i’m a DM and my wife doesn’t even play. the husbands excuse that DMing is a chore on an equal level to the things that literally keep the household running is poor. there’s two separate things here. i plan once we’ve done our chores together, when my wife is doing her hobby of writing. the mental load women (in general) take on to manage a household and stop a couple/family living in squalor is massive - he’s an adult, she shouldn’t even have to ask for him to notice what needs doing. especially if she’s been dealing with lots of family ill health. unfortunately, other things have to come ahead of dnd sometimes.
As a millennial DM who loves prep I respectfully disagree with the idea “it’s not a hobby” it’s challenging at times but that doesn’t mean I can abandon all my responsibilities. As much as I want to I can’t skip work to prep and I can’t skip chores. I think it’s really unfair to force all the work on another member of the household, it doesn’t sound like he’s skipping work, he’s just skipping out on chores.
Agreed, if the dishes are done frequently enough it isnt that hard. I also grew up in an environment where it is considered rude to make the cook clean the dishes after they spent all that time working on a meal someone else eats.
I agree. One day of DND prep does not excuse 7 days of dishes. Not to mention 1-3 on average meals daily. 7-21 dishes is not fair for one person to do alone.
I've run a campaign for years, it gets hard and may feel like a chore. You still have to do your part around the house, maybe a break from chores if I had a big part to prep but it shouldn't excempt you from cooking and cleaning
I have weirdly strong opinions on the ‘dming is a chore’ guy. I understand it’s a lot of work but I pray to god my dm has fun preparing for sessions and doesn’t see it as a chore. Actual chores, like laundry, dishes, cleaning, really don’t take that long. I don’t feel it’s ridiculous to want them to help you around the house for an hour or so and then do a task they wanted to do later. If you want you can compare the doing work to a job; just because you have a job doesn’t mean you can leave all the chores to your partner. She likely has a job and things to do too. She also likely has time consuming hobbies and commitments. You shouldn’t be finding excuses to not help your partner, you should evaluate why you feel it’s so hard to help or why you don’t want to and work around that. Personally I dodge chores when they involve strong smells or slimy textures so the best way to get me to do chores is to give me the ones that have to do with sorting/ cleaning (putting dishes away, laundry, sweeping) and now I do them faster, as I’m not avoiding a stimulus, and way more often. Before when I had the cat litter I’d dodge chores because my ocd *hates* the idea of poo dust but I’d excuse it by saying ‘I’m in school all day, I have a lot of homework, my mom and brother have so much more free time and that’s why they do all the chores’ so I get where this guys coming from. He still needs to get his shit together for the sake of himself and his relationship.
To clarify I see dming as a job as opposed to a chore. All in all I agree with y’all’s but feel like you dog piled on the girl for under appreciating her dm while she’s getting upset because she’s doing *everything else*
Good advice all around. On the subject of the couple arguing over chores, I think you were spot on, but I wanted to mention a point you didn't cover: The husband's suggestion that they just eat out, and/or hire someone to clean up. While this is an option, I would strongly advise against it as anything other than a last resort. While you may be able to afford it now, that's still money that's not going into your "rainy day" fund, or your kids' college fund (if applicable), or your own future retirement fund (definitely applicable!). As someone who's a bit older, I can say with some confidence that in the future, you will be very glad that you saved your money!
I’m the forever DM for my group. I plan for all my sessions in the time I have. But I also work full time, and pick up most of the chores in the house because my partner also works full time and doesn’t do chores. But I still manage to make sure the house stays clean, food gets made, groceries get bought, etc. I’ve been DMing for 4 years. There’s no excuse to not do chores because you’re planning sessions. The husband just seems like he’s found another way to do weaponized incompetence. Because he doesn’t want to do chores.
Even if you do consider dming a chore instead of an optional hobby, it doesn't count towards the household chores that need to be done. It's something you're choosing to do, same as if you did volunteer work, or had a garden. If he feels like he can't handle more than dming then he might need to it up.
Oof. That first one. If your friend shows up somewhere you didn't expect them; where you thought there wasn't room for them... Would you ignore them and glare at them and ask why you weren't told they'd be there? =/ OP. That girl's being a brat. Don't pay her any mind. You were invited, but more than that you'd have been welcome for ages before you were actually invited. The DM wondered why you hadn't joined in before! Go and play and let that girl go suck a lemon. She's not in charge of you or the game.
In regards to the couple arguing about chores, I definitely agree that it's a breakdown of communication and expectations not being met or being too high. Blocking out time is great advice 💜
First Story: It sounds to me like OP's friend wanted to have separate friend groups for some reason, and wanted to keep OP out of the group they played D&D with while simultaneously boasting about their D&D game around OP, which is weird. The fact that the DM didn't just invite OP out of nowhere, but did so after asking "Why aren't you in the game?" and then offered OP a spectator seat sort of reinforces this. It's just weird that OP's friend would lie to them about there being no available seats at the game when asked. Does OP hiding that they were going to sit in on a single session of the game equate to their friend's dishonesty? Who can really say? It's just a weird situation all around, and it's hard to say who's at fault. It's also weird that OP's friend seemed angry that OP was there. Not just confused for a few moments, but actually upset.
Oh man the submission about the new player “not reading their character sheet” got me fuming. OP would’ve hated me for constantly not remembering that sneak attack did extra damage as a rogue or for not “optimizing my builds” as a first time DM. Hell, I still completely forget certain feats or spells I have! It is not your job to dictate or whine about how new players are playing their characters or how they built them just because they’re not “as strong” as you would like. The DM approved the character sheet and the player, with time, will get better at remembering what’s on their sheets.
I try to block out Sunday mornings for prep. I think about ideas all week. However, I still maintain a portion of chores. It’s a time management issue.
The dragon born got a big buff in fizbans where you can use it a number of times equal to your proficiency bonus but if they are using PHB the breath weapon is a once a long rest feature I'm not sure a new player would be hesitant about something they can probably only do once per session
I have a counter point for the second topic about the new player playing a barbarian. I've been in that situation too and you can't assume the new player will be willing to learn. They made a human barbarian with the highest stat being charisma and they dumped constitution. When asked why they dumped constitution, they told us to "shut the fuck up! I know what I'm doing!" They had an AC of 16 though from heavy armor because of the first level feat from human but they couldn't rage. 5 years later, they still haven't used a single feature of a barbarian. This is a very specific example which probably only my barbarian player would do this but he exists.
With the friend thing, the only thing I can think of is that the friend is uncomfortable asking the dm if someone can join. I was in this position when I first joined my group and my sister asked if she could play with us - I told her I didn’t really feel comfortable asking the dm if I could bring someone in because I had only recently joined and didn’t feel like my spot in the group had solidified as of yet. Since I was sort of just brought in as a “guest” and I didn’t know if I was in the position where I could bring my own “guest” you know?
Idk if anyone has played the Shrek 2 video game for PS2, but the boss battles start off w/a dramatic "it's hero time" and thats how I hear its clogging time
I rarely comment but, hard disagree on the “you don’t need your friends permission to join”. Some friends are friends, and they aren’t dnd friends. Plus, not knowing that that person is going to join, even spectate, is a huge red flag. When I invited a friend to join my campaign, I made sure everyone at the table was ok with it. And that, in my opinion, is how it should always be.
@@KalinTheZola maybe op doesn’t. But specifically going through all that trouble to then intentionally not say anything feels deceitful and petty. That may work for some people, but not me.
I like the two shorter eps tbh, most the podcasts i watch are about an hour so its not abnormal for me. If i could throw an idea out here real quick. A lot of the content creators i watch on youtube upload chunks of their streams as their videos. With that said i know ive asked about a possible vod channel before and i wont again promise (dont wanna annoy lol) however it might be a move to stream the pod then upload the recording after? Like do the same thing but live? So then you cut out a day set aside to record and like absorb the advice streams into it? Looks like streams are usually 4 hours ish so like two pods then the rest for whatever? Could also be interesting to get reactions from chat on AITA or horror stories? Probably a bogus idea but in my smooth brain it could work? If dreadful disregard and launch me into the sun. 💜
I can kinda relate to the friend from the first scenario though. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting to play with certain people. I have friends that I can’t play dnd with, or I know I wouldn’t be able to, and maybe they feel that way about OP. Would it have been better to just tell OP they didn’t want to play with them specifically? I’m getting the vibe that they were trying to keep from playing with OP without having to just say it and have conflict. Still not great to just glare at them when they show up, but perhaps they were (rightfully) upset there was going to be a spectator they didn’t consent to. Lots of missing info on that one.
With the DM stuff being counted as a chore. I think...it's the same kind of thing as when our grandmothers would "entertain" on a Sunday. They've got all this food prepared (or otherwise accounted for). There was the good china, a nice punch bowl, table linens, etc that they had to find and buy or maybe borrow back and forth with their friends. They had to plan for something after the meal. Even if she enjoyed it, she was doing all this for the health of her family and her friends and I don't think you could call it a hobby. That's maintaining your lifestyle. That's a chore. I don't know how many DMs would like to be compared to bougie old ladies hosting Sunday dinner, but that's how I think of it (with a good DM at least). That said though. It's not great that he said they could just hire someone to cook and clean. Sir, you can hire someone to be your DM too. Let's maybe not suggest that things our partners do to keep the household running aren't important. Like oh I don't need you to do that. I can hire it done. 😑 Both of these folks are being unfair.
i’m a DM and my wife doesn’t even play. the husbands excuse that DMing is a chore on an equal level to the things that literally keep the household running is poor. there’s two separate things here. i plan once we’ve done our chores together, when my wife is doing her hobby of writing. the mental load women (in general) take on to manage a household and stop a couple/family living in squalor is massive - he’s an adult, she shouldn’t even have to ask for him to notice what needs doing. especially if she’s been dealing with lots of family ill health. unfortunately, other things have to come ahead of dnd sometimes.
As a millennial DM who loves prep I respectfully disagree with the idea “it’s not a hobby” it’s challenging at times but that doesn’t mean I can abandon all my responsibilities. As much as I want to I can’t skip work to prep and I can’t skip chores. I think it’s really unfair to force all the work on another member of the household, it doesn’t sound like he’s skipping work, he’s just skipping out on chores.
Call me crazy but a DM still needs to do the dishes. 🤷🏼♂️
Agreed, if the dishes are done frequently enough it isnt that hard. I also grew up in an environment where it is considered rude to make the cook clean the dishes after they spent all that time working on a meal someone else eats.
I agree.
One day of DND prep does not excuse 7 days of dishes. Not to mention 1-3 on average meals daily.
7-21 dishes is not fair for one person to do alone.
I've run a campaign for years, it gets hard and may feel like a chore. You still have to do your part around the house, maybe a break from chores if I had a big part to prep but it shouldn't excempt you from cooking and cleaning
I have weirdly strong opinions on the ‘dming is a chore’ guy. I understand it’s a lot of work but I pray to god my dm has fun preparing for sessions and doesn’t see it as a chore. Actual chores, like laundry, dishes, cleaning, really don’t take that long. I don’t feel it’s ridiculous to want them to help you around the house for an hour or so and then do a task they wanted to do later. If you want you can compare the doing work to a job; just because you have a job doesn’t mean you can leave all the chores to your partner. She likely has a job and things to do too. She also likely has time consuming hobbies and commitments. You shouldn’t be finding excuses to not help your partner, you should evaluate why you feel it’s so hard to help or why you don’t want to and work around that. Personally I dodge chores when they involve strong smells or slimy textures so the best way to get me to do chores is to give me the ones that have to do with sorting/ cleaning (putting dishes away, laundry, sweeping) and now I do them faster, as I’m not avoiding a stimulus, and way more often. Before when I had the cat litter I’d dodge chores because my ocd *hates* the idea of poo dust but I’d excuse it by saying ‘I’m in school all day, I have a lot of homework, my mom and brother have so much more free time and that’s why they do all the chores’ so I get where this guys coming from. He still needs to get his shit together for the sake of himself and his relationship.
To clarify I see dming as a job as opposed to a chore. All in all I agree with y’all’s but feel like you dog piled on the girl for under appreciating her dm while she’s getting upset because she’s doing *everything else*
Good advice all around. On the subject of the couple arguing over chores, I think you were spot on, but I wanted to mention a point you didn't cover: The husband's suggestion that they just eat out, and/or hire someone to clean up. While this is an option, I would strongly advise against it as anything other than a last resort. While you may be able to afford it now, that's still money that's not going into your "rainy day" fund, or your kids' college fund (if applicable), or your own future retirement fund (definitely applicable!). As someone who's a bit older, I can say with some confidence that in the future, you will be very glad that you saved your money!
I’m the forever DM for my group. I plan for all my sessions in the time I have. But I also work full time, and pick up most of the chores in the house because my partner also works full time and doesn’t do chores. But I still manage to make sure the house stays clean, food gets made, groceries get bought, etc.
I’ve been DMing for 4 years. There’s no excuse to not do chores because you’re planning sessions. The husband just seems like he’s found another way to do weaponized incompetence. Because he doesn’t want to do chores.
Even if you do consider dming a chore instead of an optional hobby, it doesn't count towards the household chores that need to be done. It's something you're choosing to do, same as if you did volunteer work, or had a garden. If he feels like he can't handle more than dming then he might need to it up.
Oof. That first one. If your friend shows up somewhere you didn't expect them; where you thought there wasn't room for them... Would you ignore them and glare at them and ask why you weren't told they'd be there? =/ OP. That girl's being a brat. Don't pay her any mind.
You were invited, but more than that you'd have been welcome for ages before you were actually invited. The DM wondered why you hadn't joined in before! Go and play and let that girl go suck a lemon. She's not in charge of you or the game.
In regards to the couple arguing about chores, I definitely agree that it's a breakdown of communication and expectations not being met or being too high. Blocking out time is great advice 💜
Omg QueenRoe! Congratulations! The brain cell between us was used!!!!!
You guys are so wholesome. Just listening to you guys talk about your distribution of chores is very sweet.
First Story: It sounds to me like OP's friend wanted to have separate friend groups for some reason, and wanted to keep OP out of the group they played D&D with while simultaneously boasting about their D&D game around OP, which is weird. The fact that the DM didn't just invite OP out of nowhere, but did so after asking "Why aren't you in the game?" and then offered OP a spectator seat sort of reinforces this. It's just weird that OP's friend would lie to them about there being no available seats at the game when asked. Does OP hiding that they were going to sit in on a single session of the game equate to their friend's dishonesty? Who can really say? It's just a weird situation all around, and it's hard to say who's at fault. It's also weird that OP's friend seemed angry that OP was there. Not just confused for a few moments, but actually upset.
OMG MAGS ARE THOSE REAL SPACE BUNS
ACTUALLY YES 😭😭😭😭
Oh man the submission about the new player “not reading their character sheet” got me fuming. OP would’ve hated me for constantly not remembering that sneak attack did extra damage as a rogue or for not “optimizing my builds” as a first time DM. Hell, I still completely forget certain feats or spells I have!
It is not your job to dictate or whine about how new players are playing their characters or how they built them just because they’re not “as strong” as you would like. The DM approved the character sheet and the player, with time, will get better at remembering what’s on their sheets.
I try to block out Sunday mornings for prep. I think about ideas all week. However, I still maintain a portion of chores. It’s a time management issue.
The dragon born got a big buff in fizbans where you can use it a number of times equal to your proficiency bonus but if they are using PHB the breath weapon is a once a long rest feature I'm not sure a new player would be hesitant about something they can probably only do once per session
I have a counter point for the second topic about the new player playing a barbarian. I've been in that situation too and you can't assume the new player will be willing to learn. They made a human barbarian with the highest stat being charisma and they dumped constitution. When asked why they dumped constitution, they told us to "shut the fuck up! I know what I'm doing!" They had an AC of 16 though from heavy armor because of the first level feat from human but they couldn't rage. 5 years later, they still haven't used a single feature of a barbarian.
This is a very specific example which probably only my barbarian player would do this but he exists.
Congratulations Queen Roe. Sad gay gods 😭
With the friend thing, the only thing I can think of is that the friend is uncomfortable asking the dm if someone can join. I was in this position when I first joined my group and my sister asked if she could play with us - I told her I didn’t really feel comfortable asking the dm if I could bring someone in because I had only recently joined and didn’t feel like my spot in the group had solidified as of yet. Since I was sort of just brought in as a “guest” and I didn’t know if I was in the position where I could bring my own “guest” you know?
Been a while since I’ve commented but still been watching since the early days 🥰 keep it up you two!
I'm so hyped about the clog shirt, oh my Entity 🎉🎉❤
I KNOW RIGHT 😭😭😭
I very often listen to y’all’s while driving to school and these short episodes are the perfect length to fill my commute to and from school
Idk if anyone has played the Shrek 2 video game for PS2, but the boss battles start off w/a dramatic "it's hero time" and thats how I hear its clogging time
I rarely comment but, hard disagree on the “you don’t need your friends permission to join”. Some friends are friends, and they aren’t dnd friends. Plus, not knowing that that person is going to join, even spectate, is a huge red flag. When I invited a friend to join my campaign, I made sure everyone at the table was ok with it. And that, in my opinion, is how it should always be.
dm is the leader and should have told everyone the intention of a spectator joining. I don't think op has an obligation to let them know.
@@KalinTheZola maybe op doesn’t. But specifically going through all that trouble to then intentionally not say anything feels deceitful and petty. That may work for some people, but not me.
@@stephenmontgomery8564 sounds like everyone needs better communication skills in this story ngl.
I like the two shorter eps tbh, most the podcasts i watch are about an hour so its not abnormal for me.
If i could throw an idea out here real quick. A lot of the content creators i watch on youtube upload chunks of their streams as their videos. With that said i know ive asked about a possible vod channel before and i wont again promise (dont wanna annoy lol) however it might be a move to stream the pod then upload the recording after? Like do the same thing but live? So then you cut out a day set aside to record and like absorb the advice streams into it? Looks like streams are usually 4 hours ish so like two pods then the rest for whatever? Could also be interesting to get reactions from chat on AITA or horror stories?
Probably a bogus idea but in my smooth brain it could work? If dreadful disregard and launch me into the sun. 💜
I want a clookin‘ time tshirt now
Not the penultimate being missed again 😢 so sad
I'm fine with either or. It depends on what works best for your schedules.
Thank you 🖤🖤🖤
I can kinda relate to the friend from the first scenario though. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting to play with certain people. I have friends that I can’t play dnd with, or I know I wouldn’t be able to, and maybe they feel that way about OP. Would it have been better to just tell OP they didn’t want to play with them specifically? I’m getting the vibe that they were trying to keep from playing with OP without having to just say it and have conflict. Still not great to just glare at them when they show up, but perhaps they were (rightfully) upset there was going to be a spectator they didn’t consent to. Lots of missing info on that one.
I'm eating chicken taco and preparing for dnd tomorrow.
Oh hell yeah!!!
Entity clogs?
With the DM stuff being counted as a chore. I think...it's the same kind of thing as when our grandmothers would "entertain" on a Sunday. They've got all this food prepared (or otherwise accounted for). There was the good china, a nice punch bowl, table linens, etc that they had to find and buy or maybe borrow back and forth with their friends. They had to plan for something after the meal.
Even if she enjoyed it, she was doing all this for the health of her family and her friends and I don't think you could call it a hobby. That's maintaining your lifestyle. That's a chore.
I don't know how many DMs would like to be compared to bougie old ladies hosting Sunday dinner, but that's how I think of it (with a good DM at least).
That said though. It's not great that he said they could just hire someone to cook and clean. Sir, you can hire someone to be your DM too. Let's maybe not suggest that things our partners do to keep the household running aren't important. Like oh I don't need you to do that. I can hire it done. 😑
Both of these folks are being unfair.