I got diagnosed later in life, in a country where it's really uncommon to get diagnosed. there are no meds. and I now see adhd in everyone we, mom and I, connect with daily. I don't think ppl from my childhood were adhd tho, but I never had close friends until I grew up
I got diagnosed later in life. Since then, two of my close friends, after I described my symptoms, ended up being diagnosed… and my dad. I think at least 2 others haven’t gotten round to it yet.
I will never forget the teacher's aide who worked with a kiddo of mine's comenton this....."yep, that's one of the ways we know wich kids to screen when new kids come to the school,they flock together"
One of the things my psychiatrist said to me after being diagnosed was how surprised I'll be to learn that many of the people in my life are neurodivergent. Birds of a feather flock together as they say, and I've always felt different, like an outcast. Little did I know, I just needed to find my people. ^^
When I gave up trying to maintain the modern standard of always texting and abiding by “normal” communication standards, I found that socializing became more enjoyable when done at a natural and not forced schedule.
For my profession we try to set our next meeting with clients while on a call. A couple week ago I realized I could do that with friends!!! I've been trying to setup our next hang during the current hang and its been super helpful!
My friend has a lot of texting anxiety especially when she's doing bad mentally. I leveled with her that our friendship shouldn't be stressful and I get it. She's much better at calling and talking for hours on an earbud while we each do tasks. Everything is much more enjoyable and communicative that way even though she's the only person I talk on the phone with lol
I really love the idea of emoji codes and recognizing that there are different seasons of life, when people are more able to communicate! I think it's realistic and healthy to have other priorities besides texting back right away, so having an emoji as a reminder is super helpful.
This format was a delight! : - ) Something I love about my ADHD friends is not feeling pressured to try to mask my non-linear "look at that squirrel!" conversational style (which usually doesn't work anyway!). I *LIKE* interesting conversations that go in every direction and circle back randomly before veering off again. ; - D
I was in a car the other day passenger(the car would have crashed if i was driving) and I saw this bright pink car, interrupted my dad and brother to yell “look at the pink car” 😂 my brothers got mad at me because I interrupted them😢
11:03 I LOVED it when Dani talked about putting an emoji of a box or turtle next to a friend's name in her phone to remind her they're in overwhelmed mode and to check in with them (& not take it personally : - ). Proactively doing what DOES come naturally to us to show caring and concern goes such a long way. And if we can find the overlap in the Venn diagram of our love languages, all the better!
Just a quick ADHD tip: I recently had an ADHD assessment test thing, and I had to do some repetitive tasks, and from doing the different mundane tasks, my brain waves or something showed that I had a short spike of hyperfocus, but I quickly lost attention and interest. To work WITH this, the psychiatrist suggested that I take advantage of that spike of hyperfocus for like 5-10 minutes, then switch to another task, where I can then use the spike on that task, then switch back to the one I started with. It’s kind of alternating tasks to work with adhd and to not work around it. If you notice that you have a spike of hyperfocus, then you dull out, then try this! Especially if you have a lot of different work to do.
That's actually how I am working (and was studying before) for years. For some reason it was never obvious for me why I always do something in 415623 order instead of 123456 (example). I would do a test several times better, if I am starting from random task in the middle or even from the end and then as soon as I got tired just switch to another one, right in the middle of the task. I am also a translator, and let me tell, that's how I work most of the time, and as long as I proofread finished translation in correct order in the end it's fine to translate first paragraph and then go straight to last one, or even switch between 2 or 3 texts. The best thing is, your brain is actually subconsiously continues to work on the tasks you've left, so when you return to them, it's much easier!
I recently lost one of my dearest long time friends in large part because of terrible ADHD communication habits and it broke my heart. I wish we could have developed something like this before the deeply wounding hurt happened.
Same here. A friend of 35-years ago. My ADHD was undiagnosed and she's an everyday throughout the day texter. I once went 2-days without replying and she got another friend to send more messages to check I was alive! My brain couldn't' cope with 7hrs per month texting, but I didn't know why. Explained texting is bad for my mental health and asked if she could instead call instead and that was met with an eye roll and defensive "you want me to text you?". She has an autistic son and is a single mother so rationalised that her communication needs are more important than mine. BIG mistake! Cue resentment, frustration, misunderstanding, RSD, burnout and then a text "why can't we just meet???" meltdown. Friendship over. Lesson of the story is: firm boundaries and get more neurodiverse friends.
The things you two describe. I feel that so much. The feeling guilty for not answering everyone in order and then just deciding not to answer at all and the little paragraph of explaining yourself when you do respond to old texts. And how great it is to have a friendship where you can not communicate at all for a while or just very little communication and then go on to deepdive into a topic together is something I really like about my friendship with my best friend. Sure most of the time we just send each other memes and react to that but occasionally we dive deep into a topic and discover that topic together and that's super fun.
I will add that in my experience, a friendship you can put on hold without damage is not necessarily a "friendship between two ND people" thing. It's something that happens fairly nature when a friendship is strong enough, when enough work has been put into it. In other words, don't assume/expect that you will fall into this dynamic naturally just because your friend also has ADHD. It still takes work to get there, even if the work might take different forms than what's typical.
I think all of my closest friends have some kind of neurodivergence, and I strongly suspect I have ADHD (but no diagnosis, just years of research and applying tips from this channel), and we all have maintained long friendships through the understanding that we don't *have* to communicate every day. We pick up where we left off without issue. Not long ago a friend was visiting, and I randomly offered her a fidget while we talked - she was so excited and happy because both of us had been trying so hard to be focused on the other, and we were getting space-y and distracted. The fidgets helped us both, and there's no judgment from either of us. It's so comfortable and freeing to know that my friends don't mind if it takes me a few hours - a day or two to respond, or if we go a few months between conversations. And facebook messenger voice messages are a GIFT. My friends and I will straight up ramble about something for a voice message or two, and the other person can listen when they're able.
@@pegasusquilts yeah! Right next to the text bar (at least on mobile) there's a little microphone icon. Tap on it, and it automatically starts recording up to 30min of audio. My friends and I love to send them when our hands are occupied, when one of us is exhausted and doesn't have the mental or physical energy to type, or if one of us has a headache and doesn't want to look at tour screen more than necessary. And they're great because whichever one of us wants/needs the benefits it provides can access it without needing the other one to be available for a phone call. If my friend is at home having a chronic illness flare and wants to tell me about something before they nap, and I'm out grocery shopping, they can send the info in a way that's accessible to them, and I can listen to it at a later time when I'm not in the middle of a store. It's a really nice feature!
Thanks for talking about this topic. I’ve been reluctant to text people back when I notice I didn’t remember to respond to their last text. You’ve taught me to accept my ADHD and stop feeling text anxiety.
I always make it super clear to my friends that they'll likely never get a 'goodnight' or a 'brb' from me over text, unless we're having a super intense emotional conversation - in which case they'll get an "I've gotta go X, but please keep chatting because I do care and I want to hear about this. If you need to go on a big rant, go right ahead and I'll reply when I can." Likewise, they know that I know life happens. Sometimes you wander off and forget you were talking to someone. Sometimes things come up. I never require a goodnight, or a brb. They don't need to announce that they're putting the phone down. That's the beauty of text communication - you can take the time to think about how you want to respond, and come back to the conversation as if there was no break.
I’m the extreme opposite type of person. I feel like when I have to answer EVERY text message right away. Thus, texts are admittedly VERY distracting for this reason
I'm still waiting for my Anti-planner to arrive. Here's the thing, though... I've tried so many things that I'm afraid it won't help me. The ultimate collection of tips/strategies and me still not being able to make any of it work... 😔
This is actually super helpful and I didn't expect a video on this kind of topic to be that helpful. I am actually a person with ADHD too but I have the opposite problem of reaching out to people too much because I have an insecure and anxious attachment style and I sometimes think my other friends who are neurodivergent but like cocooning sometimes don't care about me anymore...but now I see they just need time to sort things out and process or maybe work on something that requires a lot of focus!. I feel a lot less insecure after watching this and a lot more mindful of others needing their space, so thank you!
Same. People need to watch out for the fact that not everyone with ADHD reacts to this the same way. Furthermore, sometimes it DOES happen that your friends no longer care about you as much and lying to yourself about how they still care but just don't show it will only hurt you more in the long run. Stable friendships that don't require as much maintenance take a lot of work to get there, for that TRUST to be there. It's true that people are often unfairly blamed for neutral things that are part of their ND brain wiring.... but it's also very true that many, many people simply expect the benefits of long-term friendship without any of the work, and people with ADHD are no exception to that because we're as guilty of wanting to avoid work as everyone else is.
The way my confidence shifted when I started realizing that adult friendships are always going to be interrupted by responsibilities! And with my ND friends I can say “sorry if I was weird, I had a major attack of RSD when you didn’t respond to me, but then I realized you were probably at work and just forgot when you had free time” and so far, every time, that was exactly what happened! They saw the text when they couldn’t respond, and by the time they could, they were tired from work and totally forgot! And boy do I ever know that feeling 😂
So much guilt involved with ADHD- not answering text, returning phone calls, remembering you have that friend. UGH! Sometimes I answer the text or email in my head and plan out what I'm going to say and then forget that I never really answered them in real life. I feel like I did because I composed it in my head. Sometimes it's hard being me. Lots of shame and frustration with myself. Constantly apologizing. Out of sight, out of mind, unfortunately. Remembering much later sucks. I've learned to have a little grace with myself. I have good intentions, but sometimes I just drop the ball.
Workaround with my friends about the whole "we dont like phone calls" is to ask. So it's like "wanna call? tell me when, or just call me, I am free til [time]". I dont like phone/video calls unprompted, I get instantly anxious but if a person asks, I can prepare and then its fine.
I already had my autism diagnosis at age 16, now I'm older and going through the testing for ADHD... and well my wife got diagnosed late as well with ADHD. Just watching this makes me go like yep this is totally so like me. Which just feels so good to know I'm not the only one that will be just silent for ages but once you connect it's perfect.
I wish more people understood. I feel like I’ve spent the majority of my life feeling misunderstood. Thank you for bringing awareness and normalizing an entirely normal thing 😊
For months I've been having a crisis about not remembering that I have friends and I felt like I was neglecting my friendships but I don't feel able to keep close attention to friendships. I have already talked about it with some friends but I didn't know what else to do about it. So I'll totally use the emoji code!! It's exactly what I needed. Thank you!!! ❤️❤️❤️
The idea of using ghost and fire emojis as a shared understanding for urgency/priority is such a good idea! And it's cute too I definitely use the heart emoji for when I want to respond in some way, but words aren't coming to mind. It's super helpful for me
With my in-the-know friends, we change the default emoji from 👍🏻 to ❤, 💝, 🦄, 😆. Something that conveys warm feelings and doesn't seem cold, like 👍🏻 sometimes do. But is easy enough to send when we don't have the brain capacity to write anything. It's really nice ❤️
Extremely relatable! To the "$20 in the pocket friend" idea, I don't know if you've heard the term "comet" from the polyamorous community, but it's basically the same thing for romantic relationships, and it's fantastic. I talk to my comic like MAYBE twice a year, but when they're in town we're like OH RIGHT I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU 😂 😂
I thoroughly enjoyed watching the two of you interacting! Laughing and being silly while also sharing some tips and tricks to keep communication open. You did good.
OMG, I bought the Anti-Planner and got mine in the mail a couple of weeks ago and it's the best! My husband and are both ADHD, but struggle in different ways.
Omg, I have an adhd friend ( I am too) but he often doesnt write back or call back but when we do meet or text or talk on the phone he is always super happy about it. That confused me a lot because I often thought that he doesnt care about me enough, I know now that it is not true ( also because he reeeally apologized) but it still uses a lot of energy from me. When you said you forget about each other and after 3 month still love each other as of no time has passed made me sooo happy, that seems to be possible with him, thanks for the idea!
It took years for me to teach myself this profound lesson. Masking eventually gets you discovered and can be awkward, while if you're authentic from the start there are no awkward spots and it's up to the other person if they accept you or not. Saves everyone time 🤷♂️
Wow, what a great take... I think I've lost some friendships because of the initial masking and once it wore off I was deemed "selfish and rude" when really I was just bored with the conversation lol. Thanks for sharing
I do not have ADHD, but one of my very dearest friends does. I’m very understanding of how she goes off grid and I have my own weird & beautiful quirks too. ❤
I miss having a good adhd friend. I get along well with almost everyone but there’s a difference between having a friend who is energized and enriched by being your friend and those who are slightly overwhelmed or not as well suited to just roll with the flow of this kind of relationship. I often feel like I have to accommodate others so that I don’t make them uncomfortable or make myself fit them instead of existing naturally as myself. It’s lonely. It’s also hard to find this kind of thing, especially when you’re isolated by your own circumstances and you are out of practice making those judgment calls on who to bring into your personal world or feel overwhelm by the process of fitting a new person into your life. Maybe I’m overthinking it and maybe it’s something else entirely I should be dealing with but I really miss this kind of friendship.
This is my favorite video of yours! It made me feel so much more comfortable with my own silliness, which I have had to mask my whole life due to abuse and trauma. I'm 40 now and REALLY struggling with that part of myself and so scared to unmask it. Thank you for this.
I loved watching y'all together, it makes me happy to see 2 people absolutely enjoying each other's company. I wish i had that. I mean I love the couple of friends I have and we're really close, but I don't have any neurodivergent friends. My friends doesn't fully understand my experiences.
My partner and I have an agreement, that we can say: "I am going to say this in the bad/inept way", and then continue to say the thing. That way we give each other extra leeway about sounding judging, ignorant, negative, ableist, ect.: We know that the other one mean it in an empathic way, but just can't quite phrase it right in the moment. We also use it when talking about possible conflict topics, like politics or pineapple on pizza. Where we want to understand each other, but our wording might sound more offensive than we really mean it. Then we use the phrase to mean "assume good intent". (We don't use it to be mean to each other, and then say that it is meant nice. That makes no sense to us to do. Just in case someone think that we would abuse it).
I rarely make comments but have to say that I am a 32 year old male, going through a rediagnosis and learning of my adhd for the first time. I recently received my copy of the anti-planner and it has changed my life instantly. I’m so much more productive. I have only had to use a few that have become go to tools, such as the card game! I have preordered your book ‘How to ADHD’ as well and cannot wait. Thank you both for your continued content! 🙏🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
34 year old male here. Not diagnosed (yet). Can I get in touch with you somehow and ask some questions about your use of strategies? I'm still waiting for my copy of the Anti-planner.
My boyfriend and I are horrible at texting each other, so I suggested voice messages because those work for me. It's going great now because we can tell each other everything without having to write a paragraph while also not having the pressure of answering immediatly when on a phone call.
This is one of my favorite videos on this channel! I love how unapologetically ADHD Dani is letting herself be! I found this channel about two years ago, a little bit after I myself got diagnosed. This channel helped me learn so much about different ways ADHD has affected my life and how to cope and work with it instead of against it. But after 24 years of masking it was really hard to learn how to just be me sometimes. Now, with the shortage of meds I'm having to figure it out all over again, and the mask has been going back because "I should" be able to handle it. But it was really refreshing to see you both just hanging out and being you, and really encouraged me to allow myself some space to just be.
For me, the ideal communication method is what I call "passive" communication. Irl when several people are in the same general space, like school or work or something way less soul crushing, where people are around and you can talk to them but you don't have to, and you are just in their presence. Online is social media, or a shared discord or text group, where you post and I post, and maybe we're talking to each other and maybe we're not, but people are in a shared virtual space. One on one conversations that's not just someone asking a question you can answer and be done with often fills me with fear. You're responsible for an entire half of the conversation. I feel like I get bored of talking way faster than most people, so then you have to find a polite way to end it, especially irl or on a video call where you can't just do something else in between responses. Also the worst text someone can send is just "hey". Like, maybe put a bit of what you wanted in your message? It's it "Hey, I'm just bored, you up for a chat?" Is it "Hey, I was wondering XYZ?" You're allowed to send full sentences. Getting just "hey" in my inbox makes me want to hurl because I have no idea what they want and what situation responding at all will get me into
This conversation is exactly like what I would have with the ADHD people in my life, and there are many 😂 It especially reminds me of my relationship with my cousin, since we are really our truest selves around one another. Masks off, snacks on.
@@HowtoADHD I’m glad, I really hope you see your positive impact on the world. Your channel is like one big cocoon for this community and I have so much love for you and all you do ❤️
I was diagnosed this year at 48 years old, and oof, I wish I'd had this info growing up. Also, my Anti-Planner arrived last month, and it's amazing! I love the way it's organized-it makes it so easy to find what I need at the moment that I need it.
I needed this video so badly, i love and appreciate both of you so so much for making this video, or any infact. I always put myself down for not responding to friends, and have ultimately ended up with zero friends as nonen of them or even i fully understoodf what was going on. I can't even begin to tell you how much i appreciate the fact that you make content that validates these things. THANKYOU.
I love this video(and channel) I have been on anti-anxiety meds for years, only to realize that they treated the symptom not the neurodivergent issue. Hearing you chat about your experience echoes my own experiences and helps me know I am not alone, and that help is out there for me. Also it helps me not feel guilty for needing the type of help I need and being specific on how to help me. So often people “help “ me in unhelpful ways and I get angry and frustrated and discouraged so I don’t ask for help, or turn down the help offered.
I totally have the same embarrassment about not responding to texts IMMEDIATELY. My particular presentation is such that phone calls are tremendously easier, because I can do the give-and-take and be in the moment, and not feel the looming obligation of a text to return. But I know lots of ND people who loathe and resent phone calls because they feel put on the spot with every conversational exchange. So even though we both understand where the other is coming from, we end up a little annoyed at each other :(
I have started using the heart emoji a lot ... texting and social media. Especially when is something very emotional and I might struggle with saying the right thing, avoiding clichés etc. I have even made FB posts where I requested a simple heart emoji b/c the thing was just so big. I think I'm fortunate that I don't text with a ton of people regularly. I don't love talking on the phone. My favorite is Marco Polo, but that's limited to a fairly small group of people, too, and ppl know it's for chit chat and not urgent updates.
The goofiness is so enjoyable and so funny in contrast of the sleepy dog more in the end phase of the video! I really loved the video of just seeing you hang out with a good friend.
When Dani talked about taking offense to something said, my therapist taught me to “check my facts” kinda what Dani said about revisiting the situation next time you see/talk to them and just say hey this is what I heard, is that what you meant? Or say “ what did you hear me say?” Could set up your hang out space with fidget toys and snacks for people to access while talking and maybe notepads and pens for people to write down thoughts as they arise so you don’t interrupt but can remember what you wanted to say
Omg you guys are making me cry. I thought I was the only one with the out of sight out of mind problem. I just thought I was a freak when it came to this, and have lost so many friendships this way, and worse when I do remember them I’m so embarrassed/ashamed that I can’t get myself to contact them out of the blue from my end. If for some reason they wander back into my life, I treat them like 6 months or two years haven’t passed. And most of them are confused by this, which in turn confuses me because I’m like, but we’re friends. And the texting, my biggest problem with that is it’ll happen when I’m at work or otherwise busy and then just forget about it happening only to discover the text days or sometimes even months later. And then on the other side when I do think to call someone it’s often when it’s like midnight or I’m in the shower or at work and it’s completely inappropriate to do so. It sucks.
Thank you!! As a newly diagnosed women at 52, I was wondering how my ADHD affected my friendships, since I always seemed to be bad at this. This helped so much, I felt so seen, mind blowing! And I really like this kind of video!
Thank you both SO much for doing this! This is amazing and fits and feels so completely right with friendships I've only recently involve ADHD (mine, included)! And the bit about accepting speaking off the top of our heads and/or emotionally impulsive reactions just hits me so hard in so many ways... THANK YOU!!!
The friend who introduced me to this channel is my super ADHD friendship friend. We’ve known each other for 20+ years now… and sometimes won’t see each other for a year or more. And we both have trouble keeping up with life in general, so we tend to disappear into our own shit for a while. But we always pick right back up where we were. I think the first real ADHD friendship moment was when we realized that one or the other of us would always be half an hour late for whatever meet up time we set. And we decided to just not make that a problem for our friendship.
Texting and mobile phones in general are the worst thing to ever happen to people with adhd. I am old, and remember a time before. While mobile phones are great if there is an emergency, they absolutely suck for general life. I miss the time before. We got together more, we socialised and organised things more, via analogue means. It was far more genuine, and non obligatory.
Speak for yourself, I find voice-chatting exhausting but can text for hours. To be fair, by "texting" I mean typing things on a keyboard in an instant messenger client or sth. Screw phone-typing and phone texts. Seriously.
Fun watching you two, you’ve got such a great dynamic - you should team up now and then to interview other people, (making it a three person panel), I think it could be great fun. And keep Chloe involved 😉
This video is so important. I thoroughly believe in this and that this is the difficulty of retaining friendships, specially when it comes from an ADHD point of view. It was incredibly invalidating when I tried to explain myself about this, and be blamed for “making excuses”. It’s not fair when I was doing the best I can for my senior year of university (aka barely getting by) and people yelling at me for not giving them time/energy that I didn’t have. It’s painful and sad, but what else can you do? I’m only one person, and it’s not personal when I don’t have energy to socialize like I used to. It is very healing to have others who hold space for you, and are understanding of your presence coming in waves. Specially when going through “cocooning” periods. Thank you both for a great video. ❤ lots of love ❤️
The one thing about my friends with ADHD is we are so used to misunderstandings. When something doesn’t track we ask about it. Another skill we share is we can discuss more than one thing at a time and rarely does anyone get lost. I am a member of ADDA and often meet on zoom. Less masking and often we tell on ourselves. Simple things like I almost missed the meeting because I lost track of time becomes a laugh and been there done that a lot. I have long related to the butterfly for many reasons. Sometimes my brain goes in many directions in seconds other times like you I cocoon. Thanks for your work.
I have to balance ADHD, ASD and Borderline Personality Disorder. ASD compels me to answer texts as soon as I can, or I'll forget to (ADHD), but my BPD means that going too long between receiving messages or being "kept in mind" by friends starts to cause abandonment anxieties. With other ADHD friends, we work on communication techniques like quick messages when they have the spoons like "oh hey, not feeling up for a full response but haven't forgotten about/ignoring you"
Love this video it was so fun! Your videos help me get up in the morning and being able to listen to you and Dani chat made my morning so much easier 😁
I had a friend like that. Can't say I understand. I do respect that it slips your mind to contact on regular basis but can't you like, set reminders or something? I love that friend. She's perfect other than she makes me feel totally unappreciated and like I'm the only one who cares for that friendship. Now I'm more focused on another girl who is stable and reliable as a rock.
Well that was weird. I was lying in bed trying to get motivated to get up and go to work, thinking about a sad old man in one of our hospital beds who speaks Italian, and wishing my Italian was better than residual high school from 50 years ago and you turn up with a Babbel ad? So - guess who now has a lifetime (60% off 😂) subscription 😅 - Grazie! And now I really should get to work…
That's how I do friendships. 🙂 I do let people know how I am. Others can take people not reaching out or communicating regularly as that they don't want the friendship. But I put it out there immediately. That I am super inconsistent and if they want to do something anything. Just invite me and if I can't ask again because I am always down for socializing but life requires get in the way. My default is always a yes.
Oddly, I generally find it very hard to be around people with ADHD, particularly hyperactivity, as they just overwhelm me and I find it incredibly hard to mask around them. Generally I find that most of my close friends have ASD, and whilst I haven't got a ADHD/ASD diagnosis, most of my ASD friends are convinced I have ASD as well.
I LOVE THIS. thank you so much. friends are hard, even for 27 year olds. I'm totally sending this to my friend. We have the added challenge of being 15 time zones apart!
Yes! My friendship group of 6 of us are swimming in neurodiversity and depression,and we are so loving and tolerant. Sometimes all that goes in our WhatsApp is memes and gifs, but we are there when the 💩 hits the fan.
This video was validating. I think the first word to come to mind was "soothing"? That this works for y'all, that these methods of maintaining friendships are great and just fine, the ease/safety of being with something like a kindred spirit. That's how it's felt for me, anyhow, finding a friend with ADHD.
Ok, I just watched this video today 2-22-24. One of my diagnosis is ADD without hyperactivity and I take Concerta ER for it. I'm in my 60's and I can relate to so much of both of your conversations. I love you both! Thank you Jesus for this wonderful RUclips, and God bless Jess and Dani, in Jesus Mighty and Holy Name Amen.
omg the texting thing is so real, especially the "i learned how to ignore my phone" it's horrible when you've managed to work on your attention span, but it feels like you're expected to respond right away
I text like three people on any regular basis. These are the MOST important people in my life that have this level of access to my limited attention. I can't imagine purposely ignoring them for weeks. If I am busy I will silence my phone. I won't look at aessage until I am ready to read and respond to it. Otherwise it can sit in my notifications until It's time to process them.
I don't hold this kind of behavior against any of my friends, I am ADHD myself. I have had friends for decades that this is their communication style and we still have a good relationship. That said, I proritize my time with people that do stay in regular contact with me and keep their commitments. I do think it shows respect if you are on time, and consistent in keeping plans with each other. Everyone has limited time these days and I do appreciate my friends that don't cancel and show up in a timely manner and value my time.. I do the same thing for them. And yes, I know it's hard, but to me it's very important. That's just how I feel but it isn't a standard I'd ever enforce on anyone, and everyone has to find what works for them.
15:00 very valuable tip here in my opinion. Everyone over-interprets what other people say or do but ADHD people probably a lot more so, and the we torture ourselves with the product of our imagination really easily I think. Always best to clarify situations, waiting for a bit if it's too sensitive but not too long. Most of the time in reality people don't want to harm us.
Superb video in many ways! Helpful, fun, informative, entertaining, heartfelt, ADHD-friendship-oriented and "YES!" to FaceTime over texts any day! Jessica and Dani, thank you! Cheers!!
I LOVE the antiplanner! Was so happy when I got mine :) Its also really cool to see how the two of you interact. There is a lot that many can resonate with!
I loved this video! I always struggle with keeping in touch with even close friends and relatives. I got better at communicating that it is not due to a lack of interest. Nevertheless, I know I've hurt many great people in my life and lost more than I'd like to admit (even to myself). I also have some great friends that I know will still be there for me when and if I reach out and a few invaluable friends who know of this weakness of mine and have taken on the role of the one initiating contact. Though I know it's not fair, I couldn't be more thankful. The other side of the story is that I know that I am a great friend whenever someone is in any kind of trouble. I'm there for emotional as well as hands-on support. I'm not judgmental and I can be a good listener and give thought out advice. Usually I watch these videos just for myself. This one made me wanna share it with important people in my life to let them know that I do care, even if it doesn't always show.
I’ve always struggled with friendships as I find it so hard to keep up with the effort needed to maintain them. I’ve come to realise that one of my closest friends is very much like this. We live across the country and really only see each other in person once a year. We have basically a continuous “conversation” going that often has big gaps. There’s never a goodbye or anything like that, just abrupt radio silence for a month until one of us chimes back in randomly with something new. I’ll often pick up a train of thought weeks later like nothing happened and I’ve never felt judged. That said, it’s so far outside what the typical model for “friendship” that I sometimes doubt it. I’ll have thoughts like “it *feels* like we’re close, but are we really?”. “Am I just an acquaintance to them, but I just value it more since friendship is such a struggle for me?” Anyways, seeing you two discuss your relationship was extremely validating, so thank you for that.
I have a friend who I have known since before preschool. We are in our 30s now. We can go months without seeing and speaking to each other. Every time we do talk or meet up, it's like no time has passed. We just pick up right where we left off.
This video actually made me realize how much sense it has that me and this one other friend that recently got diagnosed with ADHD too have such an "unusual" communication pattern and it's genuinely relieving and soothing, because this video really helped me recognise the similarities in that relationship and lessened the Rejection Sensitivity going off in my brain regarding my friendship with her 😭❤ Thank you so much for this!!!
Hi! It's so nice to see you together! I fell in love with the anti-planner you showed recently. Does Dani have plans to release it in Europe or create a pdf? I'm from Poland, and here we hardly talk about ADHD in adults, and there are no supporting tools. The fact that I found out about it and was diagnosed is a miracle and I owe it in part to you and your videos.
I just got my anti planner in the mail a few days ago! I still have to get used to using it as alexithymia and being autistic can make it hard to know what section to flip to or when to pick it up in the first place. I’m going to keep it out on my desk where I can see it so maybe that will help me to not forget about it ☺️. It’s great so far.
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
100 percent agree with this, when I got diagnosed later in life, I realized that most of my friends back in Highschool also had ADHD lol
Eheheh yeah that happens a lot! We sometimes still manage to find each other whether diagnosed or not!
I got diagnosed later in life, in a country where it's really uncommon to get diagnosed. there are no meds. and I now see adhd in everyone we, mom and I, connect with daily. I don't think ppl from my childhood were adhd tho, but I never had close friends until I grew up
I got diagnosed later in life. Since then, two of my close friends, after I described my symptoms, ended up being diagnosed… and my dad. I think at least 2 others haven’t gotten round to it yet.
I will never forget the teacher's aide who worked with a kiddo of mine's comenton this....."yep, that's one of the ways we know wich kids to screen when new kids come to the school,they flock together"
One of the things my psychiatrist said to me after being diagnosed was how surprised I'll be to learn that many of the people in my life are neurodivergent. Birds of a feather flock together as they say, and I've always felt different, like an outcast. Little did I know, I just needed to find my people. ^^
When I gave up trying to maintain the modern standard of always texting and abiding by “normal” communication standards, I found that socializing became more enjoyable when done at a natural and not forced schedule.
YASSSSSSS. Exactly! Easier to enjoy when not having to stress about maintaining that modern standard
Yes, It's true
@@HowtoADHD That schedule is not fit for neurotypical people even. It is only fit for certain sociopathic managers...
@@HowtoADHD4 REPLIES
For my profession we try to set our next meeting with clients while on a call. A couple week ago I realized I could do that with friends!!! I've been trying to setup our next hang during the current hang and its been super helpful!
OHHHH! That's such a great idea!!
@@HowtoADHD2 REPLIES
Love that idea. I thin I'm going to try and implement it
My friend has a lot of texting anxiety especially when she's doing bad mentally. I leveled with her that our friendship shouldn't be stressful and I get it. She's much better at calling and talking for hours on an earbud while we each do tasks. Everything is much more enjoyable and communicative that way even though she's the only person I talk on the phone with lol
I really love the idea of emoji codes and recognizing that there are different seasons of life, when people are more able to communicate! I think it's realistic and healthy to have other priorities besides texting back right away, so having an emoji as a reminder is super helpful.
This format was a delight! : - ) Something I love about my ADHD friends is not feeling pressured to try to mask my non-linear "look at that squirrel!" conversational style (which usually doesn't work anyway!). I *LIKE* interesting conversations that go in every direction and circle back randomly before veering off again. ; - D
I was in a car the other day passenger(the car would have crashed if i was driving) and I saw this bright pink car, interrupted my dad and brother to yell “look at the pink car” 😂 my brothers got mad at me because I interrupted them😢
@@AnnabethOwl I would have appreciated being alerted to the pink car. ; - D 💖
11:03 I LOVED it when Dani talked about putting an emoji of a box or turtle next to a friend's name in her phone to remind her they're in overwhelmed mode and to check in with them (& not take it personally : - ). Proactively doing what DOES come naturally to us to show caring and concern goes such a long way. And if we can find the overlap in the Venn diagram of our love languages, all the better!
this channel has legit saved my life, can't thank enough
Aw thank you for sharing! 🥰
Just a quick ADHD tip: I recently had an ADHD assessment test thing, and I had to do some repetitive tasks, and from doing the different mundane tasks, my brain waves or something showed that I had a short spike of hyperfocus, but I quickly lost attention and interest. To work WITH this, the psychiatrist suggested that I take advantage of that spike of hyperfocus for like 5-10 minutes, then switch to another task, where I can then use the spike on that task, then switch back to the one I started with. It’s kind of alternating tasks to work with adhd and to not work around it. If you notice that you have a spike of hyperfocus, then you dull out, then try this! Especially if you have a lot of different work to do.
@ville__ This is probably obvious to everyone, but just in case, this person is a troll and should be ignored
I actually might try this, thanks for sharing!
That's actually how I am working (and was studying before) for years. For some reason it was never obvious for me why I always do something in 415623 order instead of 123456 (example). I would do a test several times better, if I am starting from random task in the middle or even from the end and then as soon as I got tired just switch to another one, right in the middle of the task. I am also a translator, and let me tell, that's how I work most of the time, and as long as I proofread finished translation in correct order in the end it's fine to translate first paragraph and then go straight to last one, or even switch between 2 or 3 texts. The best thing is, your brain is actually subconsiously continues to work on the tasks you've left, so when you return to them, it's much easier!
I just realized i actually do this. Now i know why🤣
I recently lost one of my dearest long time friends in large part because of terrible ADHD communication habits and it broke my heart. I wish we could have developed something like this before the deeply wounding hurt happened.
Same here. A friend of 35-years ago. My ADHD was undiagnosed and she's an everyday throughout the day texter. I once went 2-days without replying and she got another friend to send more messages to check I was alive! My brain couldn't' cope with 7hrs per month texting, but I didn't know why. Explained texting is bad for my mental health and asked if she could instead call instead and that was met with an eye roll and defensive "you want me to text you?". She has an autistic son and is a single mother so rationalised that her communication needs are more important than mine. BIG mistake! Cue resentment, frustration, misunderstanding, RSD, burnout and then a text "why can't we just meet???" meltdown. Friendship over. Lesson of the story is: firm boundaries and get more neurodiverse friends.
The things you two describe. I feel that so much. The feeling guilty for not answering everyone in order and then just deciding not to answer at all and the little paragraph of explaining yourself when you do respond to old texts. And how great it is to have a friendship where you can not communicate at all for a while or just very little communication and then go on to deepdive into a topic together is something I really like about my friendship with my best friend. Sure most of the time we just send each other memes and react to that but occasionally we dive deep into a topic and discover that topic together and that's super fun.
I will add that in my experience, a friendship you can put on hold without damage is not necessarily a "friendship between two ND people" thing. It's something that happens fairly nature when a friendship is strong enough, when enough work has been put into it. In other words, don't assume/expect that you will fall into this dynamic naturally just because your friend also has ADHD. It still takes work to get there, even if the work might take different forms than what's typical.
I usually text "Hey, are you free for a call?" because i hate texting and Calling out of the blue makes people uncomfortable
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I think all of my closest friends have some kind of neurodivergence, and I strongly suspect I have ADHD (but no diagnosis, just years of research and applying tips from this channel), and we all have maintained long friendships through the understanding that we don't *have* to communicate every day. We pick up where we left off without issue. Not long ago a friend was visiting, and I randomly offered her a fidget while we talked - she was so excited and happy because both of us had been trying so hard to be focused on the other, and we were getting space-y and distracted. The fidgets helped us both, and there's no judgment from either of us.
It's so comfortable and freeing to know that my friends don't mind if it takes me a few hours - a day or two to respond, or if we go a few months between conversations. And facebook messenger voice messages are a GIFT. My friends and I will straight up ramble about something for a voice message or two, and the other person can listen when they're able.
Ooh! Facebook messenger voice messages?)
@@pegasusquilts yeah! Right next to the text bar (at least on mobile) there's a little microphone icon. Tap on it, and it automatically starts recording up to 30min of audio. My friends and I love to send them when our hands are occupied, when one of us is exhausted and doesn't have the mental or physical energy to type, or if one of us has a headache and doesn't want to look at tour screen more than necessary. And they're great because whichever one of us wants/needs the benefits it provides can access it without needing the other one to be available for a phone call. If my friend is at home having a chronic illness flare and wants to tell me about something before they nap, and I'm out grocery shopping, they can send the info in a way that's accessible to them, and I can listen to it at a later time when I'm not in the middle of a store. It's a really nice feature!
Oh yeah I love getting voice texts from my friends! Never done it in messenger before, but used it tons in text n
Thanks for talking about this topic. I’ve been reluctant to text people back when I notice I didn’t remember to respond to their last text. You’ve taught me to accept my ADHD and stop feeling text anxiety.
I always make it super clear to my friends that they'll likely never get a 'goodnight' or a 'brb' from me over text, unless we're having a super intense emotional conversation - in which case they'll get an "I've gotta go X, but please keep chatting because I do care and I want to hear about this. If you need to go on a big rant, go right ahead and I'll reply when I can." Likewise, they know that I know life happens. Sometimes you wander off and forget you were talking to someone. Sometimes things come up. I never require a goodnight, or a brb. They don't need to announce that they're putting the phone down. That's the beauty of text communication - you can take the time to think about how you want to respond, and come back to the conversation as if there was no break.
I’m the extreme opposite type of person. I feel like when I have to answer EVERY text message right away. Thus, texts are admittedly VERY distracting for this reason
Jessica and Danni together! Day absolutely made! Seriously though, this channel and the Anti-planner have been godsends to me.
AWWWWWWWWWWWW thank you so much!!!
I'm still waiting for my Anti-planner to arrive. Here's the thing, though... I've tried so many things that I'm afraid it won't help me. The ultimate collection of tips/strategies and me still not being able to make any of it work... 😔
This is actually super helpful and I didn't expect a video on this kind of topic to be that helpful. I am actually a person with ADHD too but I have the opposite problem of reaching out to people too much because I have an insecure and anxious attachment style and I sometimes think my other friends who are neurodivergent but like cocooning sometimes don't care about me anymore...but now I see they just need time to sort things out and process or maybe work on something that requires a lot of focus!. I feel a lot less insecure after watching this and a lot more mindful of others needing their space, so thank you!
Same. People need to watch out for the fact that not everyone with ADHD reacts to this the same way. Furthermore, sometimes it DOES happen that your friends no longer care about you as much and lying to yourself about how they still care but just don't show it will only hurt you more in the long run.
Stable friendships that don't require as much maintenance take a lot of work to get there, for that TRUST to be there. It's true that people are often unfairly blamed for neutral things that are part of their ND brain wiring.... but it's also very true that many, many people simply expect the benefits of long-term friendship without any of the work, and people with ADHD are no exception to that because we're as guilty of wanting to avoid work as everyone else is.
The way my confidence shifted when I started realizing that adult friendships are always going to be interrupted by responsibilities! And with my ND friends I can say “sorry if I was weird, I had a major attack of RSD when you didn’t respond to me, but then I realized you were probably at work and just forgot when you had free time” and so far, every time, that was exactly what happened! They saw the text when they couldn’t respond, and by the time they could, they were tired from work and totally forgot! And boy do I ever know that feeling 😂
So much guilt involved with ADHD- not answering text, returning phone calls, remembering you have that friend. UGH! Sometimes I answer the text or email in my head and plan out what I'm going to say and then forget that I never really answered them in real life. I feel like I did because I composed it in my head. Sometimes it's hard being me. Lots of shame and frustration with myself. Constantly apologizing. Out of sight, out of mind, unfortunately. Remembering much later sucks. I've learned to have a little grace with myself. I have good intentions, but sometimes I just drop the ball.
Workaround with my friends about the whole "we dont like phone calls" is to ask. So it's like "wanna call? tell me when, or just call me, I am free til [time]".
I dont like phone/video calls unprompted, I get instantly anxious but if a person asks, I can prepare and then its fine.
I already had my autism diagnosis at age 16, now I'm older and going through the testing for ADHD... and well my wife got diagnosed late as well with ADHD. Just watching this makes me go like yep this is totally so like me. Which just feels so good to know I'm not the only one that will be just silent for ages but once you connect it's perfect.
I wish more people understood. I feel like I’ve spent the majority of my life feeling misunderstood. Thank you for bringing awareness and normalizing an entirely normal thing 😊
For months I've been having a crisis about not remembering that I have friends and I felt like I was neglecting my friendships but I don't feel able to keep close attention to friendships. I have already talked about it with some friends but I didn't know what else to do about it. So I'll totally use the emoji code!! It's exactly what I needed. Thank you!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Definitely hope it helps!!!
The idea of using ghost and fire emojis as a shared understanding for urgency/priority is such a good idea! And it's cute too
I definitely use the heart emoji for when I want to respond in some way, but words aren't coming to mind. It's super helpful for me
With my in-the-know friends, we change the default emoji from 👍🏻 to ❤, 💝, 🦄, 😆. Something that conveys warm feelings and doesn't seem cold, like 👍🏻 sometimes do. But is easy enough to send when we don't have the brain capacity to write anything. It's really nice ❤️
Extremely relatable! To the "$20 in the pocket friend" idea, I don't know if you've heard the term "comet" from the polyamorous community, but it's basically the same thing for romantic relationships, and it's fantastic. I talk to my comic like MAYBE twice a year, but when they're in town we're like OH RIGHT I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU 😂 😂
♪♪ ~ もしあたしが ほうき星になれたならば ~ ♪♪
I thoroughly enjoyed watching the two of you interacting! Laughing and being silly while also sharing some tips and tricks to keep communication open. You did good.
100% agree. Prefer phone calls over texts
Me too!
OMG, I bought the Anti-Planner and got mine in the mail a couple of weeks ago and it's the best! My husband and are both ADHD, but struggle in different ways.
Omg, I have an adhd friend ( I am too) but he often doesnt write back or call back but when we do meet or text or talk on the phone he is always super happy about it. That confused me a lot because I often thought that he doesnt care about me enough, I know now that it is not true ( also because he reeeally apologized) but it still uses a lot of energy from me. When you said you forget about each other and after 3 month still love each other as of no time has passed made me sooo happy, that seems to be possible with him, thanks for the idea!
It took years for me to teach myself this profound lesson. Masking eventually gets you discovered and can be awkward, while if you're authentic from the start there are no awkward spots and it's up to the other person if they accept you or not. Saves everyone time 🤷♂️
Wow, what a great take... I think I've lost some friendships because of the initial masking and once it wore off I was deemed "selfish and rude" when really I was just bored with the conversation lol. Thanks for sharing
I HAVENT EVEN WATCHED THE THE VID YET, BUT IM SO EXCITED TO SEE TWO OF MY FAVE ADHD INFLUENCERS! *added to watch later cus im at lunch*
Enjoy lunch!!! :D
I do not have ADHD, but one of my very dearest friends does. I’m very understanding of how she goes off grid and I have my own weird & beautiful quirks too. ❤
I miss having a good adhd friend. I get along well with almost everyone but there’s a difference between having a friend who is energized and enriched by being your friend and those who are slightly overwhelmed or not as well suited to just roll with the flow of this kind of relationship. I often feel like I have to accommodate others so that I don’t make them uncomfortable or make myself fit them instead of existing naturally as myself. It’s lonely. It’s also hard to find this kind of thing, especially when you’re isolated by your own circumstances and you are out of practice making those judgment calls on who to bring into your personal world or feel overwhelm by the process of fitting a new person into your life. Maybe I’m overthinking it and maybe it’s something else entirely I should be dealing with but I really miss this kind of friendship.
I miss those friendships. No one 'gets me', or Truly appreciates what's in my head (and what comes out!) like those precious, rare friends.
This is my favorite video of yours! It made me feel so much more comfortable with my own silliness, which I have had to mask my whole life due to abuse and trauma. I'm 40 now and REALLY struggling with that part of myself and so scared to unmask it. Thank you for this.
I loved watching y'all together, it makes me happy to see 2 people absolutely enjoying each other's company. I wish i had that. I mean I love the couple of friends I have and we're really close, but I don't have any neurodivergent friends. My friends doesn't fully understand my experiences.
That giggling together when u are with someone like minded reminds me of my friendships with my fellow ADHD friends and I loved it ❤
My partner and I have an agreement, that we can say: "I am going to say this in the bad/inept way", and then continue to say the thing.
That way we give each other extra leeway about sounding judging, ignorant, negative, ableist, ect.:
We know that the other one mean it in an empathic way, but just can't quite phrase it right in the moment.
We also use it when talking about possible conflict topics, like politics or pineapple on pizza.
Where we want to understand each other, but our wording might sound more offensive than we really mean it.
Then we use the phrase to mean "assume good intent".
(We don't use it to be mean to each other, and then say that it is meant nice. That makes no sense to us to do. Just in case someone think that we would abuse it).
I rarely make comments but have to say that I am a 32 year old male, going through a rediagnosis and learning of my adhd for the first time. I recently received my copy of the anti-planner and it has changed my life instantly. I’m so much more productive. I have only had to use a few that have become go to tools, such as the card game! I have preordered your book ‘How to ADHD’ as well and cannot wait. Thank you both for your continued content! 🙏🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
34 year old male here. Not diagnosed (yet). Can I get in touch with you somehow and ask some questions about your use of strategies? I'm still waiting for my copy of the Anti-planner.
My boyfriend and I are horrible at texting each other, so I suggested voice messages because those work for me. It's going great now because we can tell each other everything without having to write a paragraph while also not having the pressure of answering immediatly when on a phone call.
This is one of my favorite videos on this channel! I love how unapologetically ADHD Dani is letting herself be! I found this channel about two years ago, a little bit after I myself got diagnosed. This channel helped me learn so much about different ways ADHD has affected my life and how to cope and work with it instead of against it. But after 24 years of masking it was really hard to learn how to just be me sometimes. Now, with the shortage of meds I'm having to figure it out all over again, and the mask has been going back because "I should" be able to handle it. But it was really refreshing to see you both just hanging out and being you, and really encouraged me to allow myself some space to just be.
Neurofeedback has helped me a bit during my adhd med desert.
"Decision paralysis" is a new term for me that I really like. Also "box mode".
For me, the ideal communication method is what I call "passive" communication. Irl when several people are in the same general space, like school or work or something way less soul crushing, where people are around and you can talk to them but you don't have to, and you are just in their presence. Online is social media, or a shared discord or text group, where you post and I post, and maybe we're talking to each other and maybe we're not, but people are in a shared virtual space.
One on one conversations that's not just someone asking a question you can answer and be done with often fills me with fear. You're responsible for an entire half of the conversation. I feel like I get bored of talking way faster than most people, so then you have to find a polite way to end it, especially irl or on a video call where you can't just do something else in between responses.
Also the worst text someone can send is just "hey". Like, maybe put a bit of what you wanted in your message? It's it "Hey, I'm just bored, you up for a chat?" Is it "Hey, I was wondering XYZ?" You're allowed to send full sentences. Getting just "hey" in my inbox makes me want to hurl because I have no idea what they want and what situation responding at all will get me into
This conversation is exactly like what I would have with the ADHD people in my life, and there are many 😂 It especially reminds me of my relationship with my cousin, since we are really our truest selves around one another. Masks off, snacks on.
This is such a special friendship. Thank you for all the ideas! Whenever you upload I get this fuzzy excitement and I’m never disappointed ❤
You're welcome!!! And awwwwww that means so much to hear!!
@@HowtoADHD I’m glad, I really hope you see your positive impact on the world. Your channel is like one big cocoon for this community and I have so much love for you and all you do ❤️
[insert That moment when you, a queen, come across another queen, and discuss how best to maximise your joint slay meme]
“We talk about ADHD a lot.”
Yes! Because we all love to just let down and process and be our selves… with someone else who you know just gets it!
I love this! I didn't think it was possible to find friends like that. Three to six months? Perfect! Freeing. Yes.
Also, without the pressure, I think It'd be easier to just do it.
I was diagnosed this year at 48 years old, and oof, I wish I'd had this info growing up. Also, my Anti-Planner arrived last month, and it's amazing! I love the way it's organized-it makes it so easy to find what I need at the moment that I need it.
I love that finally there's a channel that talks fast enough so that my brain can actually listen 5o it on 2x speed
I needed this video so badly, i love and appreciate both of you so so much for making this video, or any infact. I always put myself down for not responding to friends, and have ultimately ended up with zero friends as nonen of them or even i fully understoodf what was going on. I can't even begin to tell you how much i appreciate the fact that you make content that validates these things. THANKYOU.
I love this video(and channel) I have been on anti-anxiety meds for years, only to realize that they treated the symptom not the neurodivergent issue. Hearing you chat about your experience echoes my own experiences and helps me know I am not alone, and that help is out there for me. Also it helps me not feel guilty for needing the type of help I need and being specific on how to help me. So often people “help “ me in unhelpful ways and I get angry and frustrated and discouraged so I don’t ask for help, or turn down the help offered.
I totally have the same embarrassment about not responding to texts IMMEDIATELY. My particular presentation is such that phone calls are tremendously easier, because I can do the give-and-take and be in the moment, and not feel the looming obligation of a text to return. But I know lots of ND people who loathe and resent phone calls because they feel put on the spot with every conversational exchange. So even though we both understand where the other is coming from, we end up a little annoyed at each other :(
5:10 - Awww this just made my day. I knew being persistent was key and I’m glad this has blossomed into something incredible.
❤❤❤ you changed our lives!
I have started using the heart emoji a lot ... texting and social media. Especially when is something very emotional and I might struggle with saying the right thing, avoiding clichés etc. I have even made FB posts where I requested a simple heart emoji b/c the thing was just so big. I think I'm fortunate that I don't text with a ton of people regularly. I don't love talking on the phone. My favorite is Marco Polo, but that's limited to a fairly small group of people, too, and ppl know it's for chit chat and not urgent updates.
This was really chill, wouldn't mind seeing more of your friendship!
The goofiness is so enjoyable and so funny in contrast of the sleepy dog more in the end phase of the video! I really loved the video of just seeing you hang out with a good friend.
When Dani talked about taking offense to something said, my therapist taught me to “check my facts” kinda what Dani said about revisiting the situation next time you see/talk to them and just say hey this is what I heard, is that what you meant? Or say “ what did you hear me say?” Could set up your hang out space with fidget toys and snacks for people to access while talking and maybe notepads and pens for people to write down thoughts as they arise so you don’t interrupt but can remember what you wanted to say
Omg you guys are making me cry. I thought I was the only one with the out of sight out of mind problem. I just thought I was a freak when it came to this, and have lost so many friendships this way, and worse when I do remember them I’m so embarrassed/ashamed that I can’t get myself to contact them out of the blue from my end. If for some reason they wander back into my life, I treat them like 6 months or two years haven’t passed. And most of them are confused by this, which in turn confuses me because I’m like, but we’re friends. And the texting, my biggest problem with that is it’ll happen when I’m at work or otherwise busy and then just forget about it happening only to discover the text days or sometimes even months later. And then on the other side when I do think to call someone it’s often when it’s like midnight or I’m in the shower or at work and it’s completely inappropriate to do so. It sucks.
Thank you!! As a newly diagnosed women at 52, I was wondering how my ADHD affected my friendships, since I always seemed to be bad at this. This helped so much, I felt so seen, mind blowing! And I really like this kind of video!
Thank you both SO much for doing this! This is amazing and fits and feels so completely right with friendships I've only recently involve ADHD (mine, included)! And the bit about accepting speaking off the top of our heads and/or emotionally impulsive reactions just hits me so hard in so many ways... THANK YOU!!!
Oh god, I SOOOOOO relate to prefering video or phone calls over text messages!
The friend who introduced me to this channel is my super ADHD friendship friend. We’ve known each other for 20+ years now… and sometimes won’t see each other for a year or more. And we both have trouble keeping up with life in general, so we tend to disappear into our own shit for a while. But we always pick right back up where we were.
I think the first real ADHD friendship moment was when we realized that one or the other of us would always be half an hour late for whatever meet up time we set. And we decided to just not make that a problem for our friendship.
Texting and mobile phones in general are the worst thing to ever happen to people with adhd. I am old, and remember a time before. While mobile phones are great if there is an emergency, they absolutely suck for general life. I miss the time before. We got together more, we socialised and organised things more, via analogue means. It was far more genuine, and non obligatory.
Speak for yourself, I find voice-chatting exhausting but can text for hours. To be fair, by "texting" I mean typing things on a keyboard in an instant messenger client or sth. Screw phone-typing and phone texts. Seriously.
Fun watching you two, you’ve got such a great dynamic - you should team up now and then to interview other people, (making it a three person panel), I think it could be great fun. And keep Chloe involved 😉
This video is so important. I thoroughly believe in this and that this is the difficulty of retaining friendships, specially when it comes from an ADHD point of view.
It was incredibly invalidating when I tried to explain myself about this, and be blamed for “making excuses”. It’s not fair when I was doing the best I can for my senior year of university (aka barely getting by) and people yelling at me for not giving them time/energy that I didn’t have. It’s painful and sad, but what else can you do? I’m only one person, and it’s not personal when I don’t have energy to socialize like I used to.
It is very healing to have others who hold space for you, and are understanding of your presence coming in waves. Specially when going through “cocooning” periods.
Thank you both for a great video. ❤ lots of love ❤️
The one thing about my friends with ADHD is we are so used to misunderstandings. When something doesn’t track we ask about it. Another skill we share is we can discuss more than one thing at a time and rarely does anyone get lost. I am a member of ADDA and often meet on zoom. Less masking and often we tell on ourselves. Simple things like I almost missed the meeting because I lost track of time becomes a laugh and been there done that a lot.
I have long related to the butterfly for many reasons. Sometimes my brain goes in many directions in seconds other times like you I cocoon. Thanks for your work.
I have to balance ADHD, ASD and Borderline Personality Disorder. ASD compels me to answer texts as soon as I can, or I'll forget to (ADHD), but my BPD means that going too long between receiving messages or being "kept in mind" by friends starts to cause abandonment anxieties. With other ADHD friends, we work on communication techniques like quick messages when they have the spoons like "oh hey, not feeling up for a full response but haven't forgotten about/ignoring you"
This delay responding to people has been SO me the past weeks. So cool to hear others have the same struggle.
Love this video it was so fun! Your videos help me get up in the morning and being able to listen to you and Dani chat made my morning so much easier 😁
I had a friend like that. Can't say I understand. I do respect that it slips your mind to contact on regular basis but can't you like, set reminders or something?
I love that friend. She's perfect other than she makes me feel totally unappreciated and like I'm the only one who cares for that friendship. Now I'm more focused on another girl who is stable and reliable as a rock.
Well that was weird. I was lying in bed trying to get motivated to get up and go to work, thinking about a sad old man in one of our hospital beds who speaks Italian, and wishing my Italian was better than residual high school from 50 years ago and you turn up with a Babbel ad? So - guess who now has a lifetime (60% off 😂) subscription 😅 - Grazie! And now I really should get to work…
That's how I do friendships. 🙂 I do let people know how I am. Others can take people not reaching out or communicating regularly as that they don't want the friendship. But I put it out there immediately. That I am super inconsistent and if they want to do something anything. Just invite me and if I can't ask again because I am always down for socializing but life requires get in the way. My default is always a yes.
There are definitely people that I just connect with on super deep levels quickly.
Oddly, I generally find it very hard to be around people with ADHD, particularly hyperactivity, as they just overwhelm me and I find it incredibly hard to mask around them. Generally I find that most of my close friends have ASD, and whilst I haven't got a ADHD/ASD diagnosis, most of my ASD friends are convinced I have ASD as well.
I LOVE THIS. thank you so much. friends are hard, even for 27 year olds. I'm totally sending this to my friend. We have the added challenge of being 15 time zones apart!
I love the idea of emoji codes!
Right?! Emojis are so useful
This one was perhaps one of the most educational ones for me. I'll appreciate it if you do similar videos more often.
Yes! My friendship group of 6 of us are swimming in neurodiversity and depression,and we are so loving and tolerant. Sometimes all that goes in our WhatsApp is memes and gifs, but we are there when the 💩 hits the fan.
I love the idea of the fire and ghost emojis! I’ve never heard anyone talk about friendships like this, I love it! It’s so me 😅
This video was validating. I think the first word to come to mind was "soothing"? That this works for y'all, that these methods of maintaining friendships are great and just fine, the ease/safety of being with something like a kindred spirit. That's how it's felt for me, anyhow, finding a friend with ADHD.
This is one of the most relatable and validating videos I have ever watched. Thank you so much for talking about this.
Ok, I just watched this video today 2-22-24. One of my diagnosis is ADD without hyperactivity and I take Concerta ER for it. I'm in my 60's and I can relate to so much of both of your conversations. I love you both! Thank you Jesus for this wonderful RUclips, and God bless Jess and Dani, in Jesus Mighty and Holy Name Amen.
omg the texting thing is so real, especially the "i learned how to ignore my phone"
it's horrible when you've managed to work on your attention span, but it feels like you're expected to respond right away
I text like three people on any regular basis. These are the MOST important people in my life that have this level of access to my limited attention. I can't imagine purposely ignoring them for weeks. If I am busy I will silence my phone. I won't look at aessage until I am ready to read and respond to it. Otherwise it can sit in my notifications until It's time to process them.
I have the anti- planner!! It's awesome. My adhd hubby is jealous.
I don't hold this kind of behavior against any of my friends, I am ADHD myself. I have had friends for decades that this is their communication style and we still have a good relationship. That said, I proritize my time with people that do stay in regular contact with me and keep their commitments. I do think it shows respect if you are on time, and consistent in keeping plans with each other. Everyone has limited time these days and I do appreciate my friends that don't cancel and show up in a timely manner and value my time.. I do the same thing for them. And yes, I know it's hard, but to me it's very important. That's just how I feel but it isn't a standard I'd ever enforce on anyone, and everyone has to find what works for them.
15:00 very valuable tip here in my opinion. Everyone over-interprets what other people say or do but ADHD people probably a lot more so, and the we torture ourselves with the product of our imagination really easily I think.
Always best to clarify situations, waiting for a bit if it's too sensitive but not too long. Most of the time in reality people don't want to harm us.
Superb video in many ways! Helpful, fun, informative, entertaining, heartfelt, ADHD-friendship-oriented and "YES!" to FaceTime over texts any day! Jessica and Dani, thank you! Cheers!!
As an Italian most say your accent is really cute 😄
I LOVE the antiplanner! Was so happy when I got mine :) Its also really cool to see how the two of you interact. There is a lot that many can resonate with!
I loved this video! I always struggle with keeping in touch with even close friends and relatives. I got better at communicating that it is not due to a lack of interest. Nevertheless, I know I've hurt many great people in my life and lost more than I'd like to admit (even to myself). I also have some great friends that I know will still be there for me when and if I reach out and a few invaluable friends who know of this weakness of mine and have taken on the role of the one initiating contact. Though I know it's not fair, I couldn't be more thankful.
The other side of the story is that I know that I am a great friend whenever someone is in any kind of trouble. I'm there for emotional as well as hands-on support. I'm not judgmental and I can be a good listener and give thought out advice.
Usually I watch these videos just for myself. This one made me wanna share it with important people in my life to let them know that I do care, even if it doesn't always show.
this warmed my heart 🥰 ❤️
Just got diagnosed two weeks ago. All your doing. Thankyou so much! ❤
Ahh that was so fun to watch. I LOVE my ADHD friendships. Excellent tip re the emoji response when you don't know what to say.
Hi beautiful, Nice to meet you here! I'm attracted to you and we watch the same channel. I'd love to know you and be friends.
2:06 your drawings of each other are adorable! 😄
awwwwwww thank you!!!!
I’ve always struggled with friendships as I find it so hard to keep up with the effort needed to maintain them.
I’ve come to realise that one of my closest friends is very much like this. We live across the country and really only see each other in person once a year. We have basically a continuous “conversation” going that often has big gaps. There’s never a goodbye or anything like that, just abrupt radio silence for a month until one of us chimes back in randomly with something new. I’ll often pick up a train of thought weeks later like nothing happened and I’ve never felt judged.
That said, it’s so far outside what the typical model for “friendship” that I sometimes doubt it. I’ll have thoughts like “it *feels* like we’re close, but are we really?”. “Am I just an acquaintance to them, but I just value it more since friendship is such a struggle for me?”
Anyways, seeing you two discuss your relationship was extremely validating, so thank you for that.
I love this so much! I feel so much better knowing others with ADHD communicate (or don’t) in similar ways to me! Such a validating video! Thank you 💗
I have a friend who I have known since before preschool. We are in our 30s now. We can go months without seeing and speaking to each other. Every time we do talk or meet up, it's like no time has passed. We just pick up right where we left off.
This video actually made me realize how much sense it has that me and this one other friend that recently got diagnosed with ADHD too have such an "unusual" communication pattern and it's genuinely relieving and soothing, because this video really helped me recognise the similarities in that relationship and lessened the Rejection Sensitivity going off in my brain regarding my friendship with her 😭❤ Thank you so much for this!!!
Hi! It's so nice to see you together! I fell in love with the anti-planner you showed recently. Does Dani have plans to release it in Europe or create a pdf? I'm from Poland, and here we hardly talk about ADHD in adults, and there are no supporting tools. The fact that I found out about it and was diagnosed is a miracle and I owe it in part to you and your videos.
I just got my anti planner in the mail a few days ago! I still have to get used to using it as alexithymia and being autistic can make it hard to know what section to flip to or when to pick it up in the first place. I’m going to keep it out on my desk where I can see it so maybe that will help me to not forget about it ☺️. It’s great so far.
So glad you’re liking it! ❤