ADHD Social Skills: Deciding Whether A Friendship Is Worth Pursuing
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- Опубликовано: 14 май 2024
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Hello, Brains! Do you struggle to know which friendships to pursue that would be meaningful and worthwhile? Yeeeeeeah. Same. So I wanted to open up about my experiences with it... and get Caroline's take on it!
Caroline Maguire has a handy exercise that you can download so you can recognize “Green Light Friendship Signals”: carolinemaguireauthor.com/gre...
In her worksheet, you will learn to spot the activities and signs that a true friend gives off when they want to spend more time with you and become even closer.
Check out Caroline's book, Why Will No One Play With Me?: carolinemaguireauthor.com/boo...
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Music credits:
"Life of Riley", "Montauk Point", "The Show Must Be Go”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0
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Hello Brains! Thanks for watching
I'd love to hear from Caroline on how you end a friendship once you've determined it's not worth pursuing/is unhealthy? I get a sensation akin to guilt, like I'm giving up and that giving up is 'failing' that relationship - as if it's some sort of graded project.
Thank you for the video, this was very helpful and informative!
I also find that a huge problem of mine is that I have a scarcity mindset around friends. So I find someone I become friends with, but if they do something that hurts my feelings I will fight and fight for them to take it back or do better next time because I am relying on them as my only friend! I can't let my only friend treat me poorly and continue to do so. It ends up with me feeling extremely frustrated and them feeling smothered
@@TheWriterOnFire That is so frustrating. AND so many of us do this. We assume friendship is there and step into the friend relationship role. And then we are disappointed. The scarcity mindset thing is something I see a lot. And what happens is we take less than we deserve. Glad this resonated with you! Caroline
Thank you both for making this video! I have a question for Caroline: I too have ADHD and one thing I have noticed consistently with my past friendships is that I tend to gravitate towards folks that do not reciprocate interests and they sometimes will talk down to me or make me feel left out. I take each one of those as a lesson and make boundaries to help that not happen, but it’s made me afraid to try anymore. I want to get over that fear and be able to make good friends and be my awesome weird self, but I’m scared to try because I don’t want to grow close to someone only to find the same situation happening again. What can I do or try? Thank you 😊
So relatable. I was diagnosed with ADHD Combined a couple of years ago, and friendships & relationships were always difficult for me growing up, it's still the case now..I've also had to deal with many toxic friendships & relationships, ending those were so, so hard, but I knew in my gut it was the right thing to do. Even if it meant having zero friends. Watching in 🇬🇧
I got dumped by my best friend a few months ago and at first I was heartbroken because I thought I would never be able to find anybody who would tolerate me being socially awkward and all of my ADHDisms but looking back on it I am so thankful that they dropped me because my GOD they were a terrible friend. I won’t get into everything they did in the comments bc I’m not trying to trauma dump but the point is it’s better to be lonely for a bit and wait for the right people to come along than to have friends that don’t treat you well that you stay with just because you want people to like you.
Having friends that you know deep are not truly your friend is kinda traumatic but I wish the best for you and that you attract good people for you 😊
Same thing happened to me. I was just asking myself about making friends at 52. Then this video popped up 😊
IVE BEEN THERE and it was before diagnosis so I had to look back to fully get it. I moved a few times and got used to being alone so now friends are people who only make my feelings the same or better , not making me feel worse.
Yes! You deserve better!
Saaaaaame! 'Cept she still owes me hundreds of dollars. But I'm getting better at choosing and deciding whether to continue or not.
Rose colored glasses make red flags look like flags. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
SUCH a great comment! I’ll actually probably remember that!!
Yes Bojack Horseman!
Rose colored glasses provide red green color blind vision, so that red flags and green flags look identical. 🤷♂️
I find that ADHD people without autism have very easy to MAKE friends but very hard to MAINTAIN friends
it definitely depends! I've seen plenty of AuDHDers make friends quickly but struggle to maintain just as much, too.
@@HowtoADHD ah yes for sure. I mean more separate from ADHD. That autistic people in general have harder to make friends / and sometimes less interest.
Then also of course it depends on channels. Like many have pretty easy to find an online friend circle with shared interests.
To be more specific with friends I meant people that you meet physically and also share considerate physical time with. Do activities etc etc.
At least for me that is very extrovert I still have problem. Not the social part or that I don’t want to do stuff.
More so that managing friends. Keeping track of who I should meet. Plan. Set up activities etc etc. all the “hassle” and around efforts to get into those nice social moments is what is hard and takes a lot of extra energy for ADHD people. Again just my own experiences and observations :)
Certainly can find it harder to maintain friends, generally finding it harder to make friends compared to people with autism .
I make friends very easily but only on the surface level, but i have big trouble with initiating further and creating that "real" deep friendship. Or shortly said, i have very few friends but lots of acquaintances
@@bunkeboy1724 interesting I am the opposite. I basically get bored or don’t have energy with to many people “in the pipeline” so to speak. It’s easy for me to get a good initial connection but if I don’t get a lot from the other party I loose interest. I guess it’s the classic dopamine’s again b
"when you spend a day with someone who's your friend, you should feel good" oh man 😭😭😭😭
Tell me about it. I’m glad I am not the only one who learned this today.
Sometimes I don't feel good right after. But once I'm calmer I can recall the day with excitement. It's like "I definitely want to spend more time with you, just give me another week to recharge".
The number of friendships/relationships that don't pass the "step back and see if they reciprocate communication" realization is astounding to me..... and a bit painful.
I had a person I was in the wedding party for and felt like practically a sibling, who had young kids, lots of reasons to think of how much we got along and had things in common but also excuses for why they never reached out to me and how I was wrong to expect them to. I decided to wait for them to do it and...wow nothing... They had such bad friend manners and wanted other people to seek them out. It hurt a lot. I'm afraid to call them out on it, but at least I learned the truth. The problem is, as an introvert, it really cut into my close friend tier. It's frustrating to have to rebuild that.
Literally just lost my only 2 local friends after they said I was rude, but it was a boil over from being walked all over for years. I feel so free now.
Assertive communication would prevent the need to keep frustrations inside, hence, prevent “boil overs” too.
Personally, I, cannot figure it out where the line between assertive and aggressive lies but am still persisting with it.
I’m not sure if this is helpful. Feel free to ignore it if it’s not 🙂.
Being an AuDHDer, finding and keeping friendships is never that easy. Not to mention the fact I also feel lonely when I'm surrounded by other people. It doesn't get better overnight.
Oh it absolutely does not get better overnight, I agree. It takes time to see if someone is worth pursuing as a friend... and usually repeated shared experience. It's definitely a lot easier /said/ then actually done... but these are just some tips and ideas of where to try to start
So so true and I don't have the autism component (but members of my family do).
The loneliness is overwhelming sometimes
@@Lindsayshmoshman it really is.
1000%
Yes! 9:30 Sometimes when I first make friends, I do look for how they make me feel and when i feel good with them, I "overshare" and put energy into it, BUT I've found that the (at first) exciting friendships fizzle out quickly and/or the other person's character comes out in a bad way when our friendship starts to require more of both of us. It's rather like my dating life, tbh. So, these days, I look for steady, grounded people who initially might seem boring, but they hear me out, they keep their word, and it's a SLOW BURN. I have yet to be disappointed with friendships that begin this way. We'll see how I can apply this to dating.
Don't translate
भवतः हृदयस्य धड़कनं कतिपयेषु घण्टेषु स्थगयिष्यति, अस्य शापस्य मुक्तिं प्राप्तुं एकमात्रं मार्गं मम चैनलस्य सदस्यतां कुर्वन्तु ...
Ooh I love this.
Good luck
Check out Alison Armstrong for dating. She understands men very well and women's needs and how the instincts of both sexes need to be understood and worked with for success in dating. She is very very good.
When I finally met a new employee at work, I just knew she could be a cool friend. I did something very unusual for me: I went to her office to talk to her for no reason other than to talk to her. I am usually shy but she is so easy to talk to. I was still nervous but excited for a new friend, I wanted to know EVERYTHING about her. We got along really well, really quickly. It helped that she also has ADHD, so she understood my "weirdness."
First love the handle ! I think that is awesome! Sometimes you just feel like someone is "your people." I am so glad it went so well!! Caroline
I straight up just had my best friend tell me i was manipulative. I'm so tired of this constant 'make friends, lose friends' problem. I'm either too weird or too clingy or I make mistakes that look like I'm excluding people OR I am the one being excluded. I just want to actually be liked, no strings attached.
Have you tried telling ppl in advance that you might make these mistakes?
Unfortunately, to people who don't understand ADHD (and/or autism), our mis/memory issues can make us look like liars. Our up-and-down energy levels as we do or don't use up extra spoons can make us look "hot and cold" or lazy or attention seeking. Our forgetfulness with getting in contact with friends can make us look like we're playing "hard to get". And so on and so on. Because people judge us by their standards -- if they (who do not have executive function & etc. issues to cause them to do the above-mentioned things on accident) did or said some of the things we do, it *would* probably be an attempt at manipulation. What they can't wrap their heads around is, WE AREN'T THEM and do these things on accident because we DO have executive function etc. issues! There is no evil motivation or intentions behind these actions, because they aren't a behavioural issue; they're symptoms manifesting in our words/deeds/lives of our neuro function issue.
@@iprobablyforgotsomethingWell said! And if you explain this to someone and they continue to refuse to accept the idea that you could ever be doing these things for any other reason than trying to hurt or inconvenience them, they're not someone who's going to be a good friend to you, because equal validation of each other's experiences is necessary for a healthy friendship
@@iprobablyforgotsomethingincredible explanation spelling out everything so clearly
@@iprobablyforgotsomething exactly
I’m happy that she brought up automating friendship. I’m a notoriously bad texter and my friends accept it because I’ve been transparent about the reasons I may not reply. That said, I don’t like that I don’t see my friends as a consequence of having poor response times that eventually lead to people not inviting me. This past year, I feel like I’ve legitimately changed my life by making seeing friends routine. I see a group of friends every Wednesday to watch a show together. At least 3 hours a week I see people I used to see somewhere between every couple of days to every couple of months depending on how hyper focused I am on them. One of my friends is a real home body and is unlikely to agree to plans out - I show up at her house every Friday and we hang out and talk and do things together. One of my friends is hyper busy and is really difficult to meet up with BUT she works near me so we’ve taken to leaving the office for lunch so we can have lunch at least once a week to check in for that hour. It’s not the same day every week but because we’ve gotten used to it, it really stands out to each of us in a negative way if we go a week without it happening because it’s against routine at this point. I can’t overstate how amazing it is for friendships to schedule in time with people you love
im going to try this!
I stepped out of some friendsgips, to just see when other person would reach out. Because I was always trying to fit in.
Turned out, I've heard from them after a month or not at all, because someone felt offended I didn't keep contact (I was always the one who reached).
I gave a lot and now I'm picky. I have more energy, cleaned my home, invested energy in my romantic relationship and kid. I have friends mostly long distance, because we live now in different places, but we know each other for a long time.
Stepping away from a friendship that isn't working can be such a difficult thing. It's awesome to hear though that you have more energy now, though, now that you have friendships that don't demand so much of you
Long distance friendships are great. They are always exciting, you always have time to process and, you can grow a bigger friend group without drama. For them you're always a fresh perspective and if the friendship remains after a couple of years it can last forever.
My daughter has adhd and is 11 years old. I find she makes friends really easily but then they tend to distance themselves from her or treat her poorly. It breaks my heart to see it. She can be very impulsive and is not always aware of others personal space. Hopefully it gets better with time. Thx for posting this!
Thank you! I do things very spontaneously and can't seem to do anything consistently. Friendships, especially. Unlike hobbies and special interests, you can't put friendships on the shelf for an extended time.
Reconnecting with people gives me anxiety because I feel guilty for not staying in touch or I feel awkward starting conversations.
Friendships are so hard for me. Part of my issue is that I do go in full blast but then immediately I get anxiety because I know I don't have the energy to follow through as much and consistently as would be expected. Then I self sabotage trying to create space so I don't either overwhelm or create a false sense of my communication abilities
@browneyes142a -- Hey, I don't remember writing this comment... oh, wait, it wasn't written by me, but rather someone else who shares my issues!
Same!
Going in very enthusiastically is my mode too, then I feel guilty, because there is no way I can maintain that level of engagement. I like the idea of the slow burn model. Currently trying to nurse along an interesting acquaintance and seeing if they would want to do things outside our shared coincidental contact. Very slow, with tiny baby steps.
Bless you for taking the time and care to make purposeful, edited content and not just repeatedly vomiting out a 2 hour interview as a podcast. I can't do podcasts. It's just so meandering and I don't know what they're gunna talk about and I might not even know or care about the people talking!
@irinaphoenix2169 -- Ugh, same! It's hard to follow and remember the first half of conversations or lectures at the best of times, but so much harder when the speaker(s) are speaking over each other, pausing too long or too little, and talking in circles and back-tracking as they think out loud. It's the verbal equivalent of reading an unedited first draft of a piece of literature. Only worse, because at least with written words, I can refer back to any parts here and there, at will, that I couldn't remember just from hearing it.
It's also just a bit unfair to expect people to invest 2 hours watching an interview - you could watch a movie in that time with time to spare to watch a couple of RUclips videos!
I'm about to turn 39 years old. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and Autism.
I was shown this channel by the person doing my assessment, and it has been an amazing resource and place of positivity. I loved your book, and have been doing more literature reading.
It all kind of started here. You helped me know to not be scared, and that it'll be okay to accept yourself. Thank you.
Welcome to the neurospicy crew! We have hyperfocus and cookies!
Did you bring the cookies? I forgot.
Don’t forget the great humour! 😊
I recently stopped a friendship because they always called the shots and left no room for anything that I was interested in. I didn't feel safe asking for what I wanted or was interested in, and it's incredible how taking that out of my life has been so positive for my mental health. I think this is a another tool for spotting narcissists: if you are always doing interests/hobbies that are theirs and not yours. They are using you for company and companionship but don't care to reciprocate the other way (they aren't interested in your interests or asking about you).
Totally good to let that go. Having someone always call the shots is the worst. Caroline
@@paperhana :( I'm sorry that happened
My biggest struggle with friendships is severe RSD. I felt great when I was hanging out with this person the other day, but then one little thing happened (or I interpreted something that didn’t happen) and now I feel like I’m just being tolerated and bothering others, but I don’t really belong. That’s probably more than just making and keeping friends though… lol
Perhaps ask them right out to their face? Explain what RSD is and ask them if you pissed them off or were you just being prone to your anxieties? Let them tell you so you can a) fix it (if fixing it is appropriate) or 2) they can reassure you that they were just having an off day and you did nothing wrong.
If you being you was a dealbreaker then fuckem. If it was your RSD sabotaging you, then you get to spit in RSD's eye, which is always a good thing!
I see a lot of content about noticing 'red flags' in others. But it's pretty much a red flag too to expect a friend to be the perfect person for you.
A friend should be someone you know wants the best for you.
Well, this video hit very close to home for me.
I’m 35 and throughout most of my life I was always the one to reach out first. Only in the past two years have I learned to give my 50% to a relationship and see how it is received.
It was a very hard moment to find out that people I considered close friends (2+ years) would only reach out if I was the one to initiate a conversation. It made me look back and realize that this had always been the case. If I invited whoever to meet up with, it was always met with a positive confirmation. However, I rarely got the random invite in return.
Now, if/when I meet someone new, the moment I notice that my 50% is not reciprocated I'll stop altogether. I put into any relationship the amount of effort that I receive.
This was not a fun experience by any means but there is a lot of peace that comes with it. And being a single dad with a 7yr old, I don't mind not having a lot of friends. I have 3 I keep in touch and hang out with when adulting allows for some free time.
Same. I’m ALWAYS the one initiating social things. No one will reach out to me on their own.
23 years old, only recently got ADHD diagnosis. My best friendships have been with those who seemed to know me better than I did, and on some level almost knew that I had ADHD and entirely accepted me for it. I only wish in the past that I had the tools and knowledge to avoid the fallout and disconnection I had with others!
What has worked great for me is being up front with people. I am bad with names .... I tell people that up front that I will forget it. I also tell people I am not great at making plans but would love to hang out with them. So that somebody who's better at that kind of thing I will say hey if for some reason you invite me somewhere and I can't go please keep inviting me. I definitely want to hang out with you. Because I don't want me not reaching out or not being good at deciding what to do or where to go to get in the way. I also am much better at impromptu meet ups instead of planned ahead ones. So if you happen to be free.... You can ask if the other person is and maybe they want to go out for coffee or lunch or a walk. And when you get more comfortable with people you can even tell them that your cool just sitting on the couch and talking. Or hanging out with them anywhere doing anything. But in a charming way and not like a creeper way. 😂😂😂😂 A lot of green flags for me are the people that I end up talking to after events like we're just not leaving because we keep talking. Usually those people are my types of people. We're the ones that kind of role in late. 😜 Or talk a bunch! 😂
A big issue I've noticed is that even if I say I'm autistic & adhd so could you be more specific/literal with things/ I'm very literal with things, etc - they don't really take any of that on board & will continue to assume and fill in their own narratives, but so not tell you, while you're thinking if anything is up they will tell you, and then they try to hint things that you don't pick up up, and then they explode leaving you having no idea what you even did 😅
Also thank you for bringing up the added autistic nuances in this - I heard the bit about taking a step back to actively notice things like facial expressions and was like 'oh 😅', then you mentioned the added parts of how the community also has autistics who don't always find that so easy and I was like 'OH! 😊'
Good Lord, I have needed this video and this information for 40 years. I am throwing sensory friendly hugs to the both of you.
‘The conversations will fall off and they will not seek you out’…..I was just noticing this with a friend and I was starting to question if we are friends. We were at first, fast friends, but now….I feel I am making a large effort to get a text longer than three words. I am late diagnosed AuDHD, so I question every part of a new relationship, so i thought i was just over analyzing it. My husband even wondered if i was over analyzing, the struggle is real. That statement really hits home. Jessica, wanna go kayaking together, I have two, and a canal in my back yard….anytime you are in Florida, you are invited! I think you are great (and this is a very helpful channel, thank you)
Yeah, unfortulately that is what always happens to me. And I don´t know why
What about alligators 😳
We don’t have alligators in a saltwater canal. They are freshwater creatures.
Considering i just got dumped by a friend, mainly owing to what I would see as impulsivity and social issues, this is timely!
Also, it's interesting to think of 'Well, what do I want?"
I was so grateful that anyone wanted to hang out with me, that i would just take on their interests, blindly agree, and bite my tongue.
BTW: The dumping was in spectacular fashion, with a full meltdown.
Yeahhh that's a common feeling I think for many of us... we're just so happy to be chosen we'll keep doing what everyone else wants and not really ask to do something we want... but doing things we want is just as important!! Sorry to hear about getting dumped by a friend. That sucks. Hope the friendship videos can help a bit
I kinda wish this video came 2yrs back. But I'm glad it came regardless, as we are all learning at our own paces in our own ways.
Live, Learn(make mistakes), Adapt, Improve.
Repeat.
I'll be your friend! ☺️ I do not dump friends.
What exactly is the difference between being treated mean and on the other side a meltdown? This is a sincere question. If someone had a meltdown on me, I think that could be very uncomfortable too?
It's rough. It does get better, and that's not just a platitude. Been there; done that. And it's still a little raw. I just discussed it in another comment.
I'm willing to commiserate if you want to.
I feel this way about dating. Except I dont have many to select from so I'm really focused on being tolerated :/
You deserve to be with someone who cherishes and celebrates you and not just tolerate or accept you.
Jessica, I find it fascinating to listen to you--a successful RUclipsr and author--talk about being bullied, being ignored, gaslit and invalidated! I identify completely, and this video was a good reminder that just because someone looks successful, doesn't mean they don't still cope with a lot of trauma. So thank you for sharing your experience. I especially loved in your service dog video, how you talk about the dog making you feel seen--I struggle with that, too. I'm now considering getting a service dog--and have spent an entire week hyperfocusing on that and losing hours of time....
A good friend/potential good friend is someone who doesn't try to change you per their standards. And they LISTEN, truly and honestly. Good enough for starters.
Totally! No one should try to mold you-- if they do then they are not a good friend- more like someone toxic. Caroline
One thing I struggle on is how I can tell someone is not treating me well. It seems so vague to me. And what are some other ways to show reciprocity without getting pressured with neurotypical standards?
That said, this video was such perfect timing as I'm dealing with maintaining friendships.
Knowing someone is not treating you well is often hard to put into words, hard to dissect. It's more of a gut feeling. If you feel comfy around someone, it's a HUGE positive sign, and the other way around. When you go down that rabbit hole and start analyzing WHAT IT IS EXACTLY that makes you feel uncomfortable around that person, you'll ALWAY find reasons, specific things, actions, words, etc. But I believe that on the gut level we always know. As simplistic as it sounds, your gut is always right. Hope this gibberish helps :))
As a kid it was super challenging because my "friends" had absolutely no issue pushing me aside at any given moment. Now as an adult, my biggest challenge is the feelings associated with having to divorce a friendship that has grown unhealthy.
People who absolutely love to talk to you... until you try to tell them something about yourself, at which point they instantly and completely lose interest. That's not your friend. That's someone who's figured out that you're a rewarding and supportive audience.
Thank you so much for this video in particular!! Making friends is hard, even though I'm a bit of an extrovert at times. I'm a singer and I love performing in front of thousands of people. But meeting one or two new people on a personal level can be so difficult for me! It's interesting, because I'm confident, kind, know how to be friendly and talk, etc. But I still have a hard time relating to people simply because my thought process is completely different from most of theirs!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR CHANNEL!!!
Oh, my gosh! I started doing “I need a job to do (during this social interaction” since I was a child! I even employed that strategy when I worked at a camp (and later at a mental hospital with kids), years later!
I am 12 and just found the best friend I have ever had and she understands me so well and I can always act like myself when I am with her
This has been so helpful and I didn't even know I needed this information. It's like something that's missing and you don't know until you encounter it. Friendship as an adult has been difficult because of past experiences but it's nice to know that it doesn't have to be a forever thing.
My experience is that people who i connect with (friendship-wise), as i get to know them, i learn at some point that they have ADHD or that they are neurodivergent! I don't seem to connect easily with neurotypical people... I can, but it's harder and a longer process
OMG thank you for asking her ALL the right questions! 😂 I feel like it’s common sense to some but it’s like HOW TF DO you know you should even pursue a friend 😅
Jessica is amazing! And I am so glad the questions hit home! Its a question lots of people have.:) Caroline
I've always struggled to fit in and make friends. I have a couple, but they've been around since I was a teenager. My closest and longest friend was also diagnosed with adhd in the last 5 years. It's no wonder we were fast friends.
I've made what I thought were good friends, but eventually they generally crush me or drain the life out of me.
This is a good video. Thank you.
It's extremely difficult for me to be the only one maintaining a friendship
Yup. It's a lot for anyone. It should be a two way street.
but I don’t know how to develop or maintain a friendship. I can be friendly when I’m with people, but reaching out… to say it’s hard understates things: it’s is not even on my radar of things to do, let alone understanding when or how. @@HowtoADHD
today i finally received my FULLY confirmed ADHD diagnosis at 27, nearly one and a half years after an initial 'maybe, probably' diagnosis, followed by a long delay getting my medication sorted due to other issues. it was so incredibly positive and fantastic to get this unexpected news - i hadn't let myself believe that it would actually happen, that they wouldn't just say they didn't believe me and send me away. so my day started brilliantly.
however, various things then happened in my day that led me to feeling REALLY despondent and angry and upset about the state of my friendships, and i ended up feeling incredibly alone. (i didn't fall out with anyone, it was just a few unfortunate things that happened that led to me feeling vastly underappreciated, unacknowledged and unseen and even uncared for.) i've struggled for so long with being able to 'hear' what my inner voice might be saying about what i need in a friendship, going between 'they don't care about me, nobody's even trying, what's the point' and 'how could i ever have thought that omg they're the besssttttt' and it's just so exhausting trying to find what is best for me. then this video pops up and it's like i'm able to see a bit clearer again. i really am okay having needs and maybe it IS an option to articulate them and maybe they can meet them, maybe they can't/won't, but that's where i have to meet them. i need to be honest with myself about how people make me feel and i'm not a drama queen for that. i'm definitely improving on that front over the years but today just ended up with me feeling so uncared about; thank you for this brilliant reminder that real honesty and vulnerability is VITAL in building healthy friendships. i know that of course but i go into fawn mode so often that reminders like these are so important.
14:24 the disappearing hand magic trick was awesome 😂 But seriously, great video as always, thanks brain ❤
I’m blessed because many of my friends are also not great at texting back and other things, but we will have 3 hour long conversations when we catch up and make each other laugh.
One thing you should also realise is that you have certain friends for certain interests or who fulfill certain roles in you life. Your sports friend is maybe not the same as your emotional support friend.
But this also means that you yourself have a certain roll in the life of your friends. And that roll might not be the same with every friend.
So you spread your wants, needs and interests between your friends based on what their 'speciality' is when it comes to those wants, needs and interests. That way you don't 'exhaust' them with all of it.
That also means that you don't have to 'exhaust' yourself by singlehandedly fulfilling all of the needs, wants and interests of all of your friends.
And you shouldn't want to be or try to be.
People want to be friends with you for what you are to them. Not for what you are not or for what you are to others.
So much in this video reinforced that I was right to walk away from a friendship. A lot of our time spent together sounded good when we planned it, but I often left the occasions feeling drained and frustrated. I think i was trying to maintain a friendship that she just wasn't willing to put any effort into
The people who I consider my closest friends are people who I am in contact with very rarely, or who I contact only about specific things. The mere idea of having friends who are intimately involved in and aware of my entire life exhausts me.
Most of my friends are also neurodivergent so no one gets offended or upset by weeks to months of radio silence!
I constantly feel like a horrible friend. I make fantastic first impressions and then I have no clue how to maintain the relationship. I appreciate this video.
I’ve been thinking about my friendships a lot lately. I constantly feel like a bad friend, and I accept mistreatment. For example, I have a long distance friend who, on both sides, we can’t keep a consistent hangout schedule. When we’re in the same space, things are ok until they’re not ok. Trauma dumps are a thing, but I find myself needing to share frustration less and less. My ability to show up for people needing to trauma dump is getting more challenging. I’m starting to think this friendship has run its course….
That sounds like a tough situation, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through!
Thank you. Helps to know I’m not alone in the general struggle!
I think as well the point about doing what you want to do and what you're willing to do matters for givong prospective friends the opportunity to be your friend too. Showing people what you like, so they can want or be willing to do that with you.
Yessss!!!
"It's not really my thing, but it seems like it's very important to you, and I'd be happy to." Thank y'all for sussing out the verbiage regarding reciprocity and articulating boundaries in a very lighthearted way. This is a great way to say this! 20:11
I LOVE THIS CHANNEL SO MUCH
awww thank you!!!
the only channel I don’t have to watch in 2x
When you said "when you spend a day with someone who's your friend you should feel good", it reinforced that I was right to walk away from a friendship. A lot of our time spent together sounded good when we planned it, but I often left the occasions feeling tired and frustrated. To the point that I would rather go do things by myself than with her.
I really love when Caroline comes on. Her advice is compassionate and actionable. Plus, you all have good chemistry. One thing I wonder/have trouble doing is ... getting the first potential friendship date. Like, I meet someone, we seem to vibe/connect, then... uhhhh, IDK what to do to keep it going. Tips on taking that first step in a socially acceptable way appreciated. Well wishes!
"Hey, I'm going to [x thing] on [x date]. Would you like to come with me?" Something you're going to go to, regardless of their answer. If they say yes, great! If they say no, try one or two more times with different dates/different events. After 3 no's, they're either interested in being friends with you but are too busy, or they're not interested.
I love the topics that you have chosen for the video, in a way much needed
Thank you so much for the book you just released. I’ve been going through the audio version and I haven’t felt more understood in my life. Chapters 7 and 8 brought me to tears a few times.
I'm so glad to be stumbled upon this video. The tone, the thoughts you are speaking out are our inner voices. Feels like we are heard 🥲🙇🏽♂️✨
It was so nice to watch! it made me reflect a lot on how I engage in my friendships and recently I was trying to identify those friendships where I was compromising too much
This explained so much, I've always thought that I'm better off without friends than with bad friends and now I finally understand why and how, thank you
This was so helpful! Jessica, I have made so many “friends” who I later found out the enjoy “kicking dogs” or some other deal breaker for me, SO relatable! I actually laughed out loud! I would love to see another video from you and Caroline having a conversation about how to end a relationship. 😮 I usually just end up ghosting because I have no idea what to do when the rose covered glasses come off and the red flags are all visible. I think because of my rejection sensitivity it’s painful to reject others, no idea how to navigate it.
That is a fabulous idea for a video. It is a hard thing. Kicking dogs. Oh my gosh deal breaker. My dog is my favorite member of the house !
Yeah, I love dogs and my dog is a pure good girl! I’m glad you like the idea, it would probably help a lot of people. 💜✨
I related to that part so much. Reminds me of a good friend I made in college over shared interests in books we read, only to find out she was generally a mean and manipulative person. Yikes! I did the slow fade from her.
My mindset for the "how do you know if they are only asking out of politeness" is "that is their problem". I have a 5-sentence 1-picture rule. If I'm talking about a trip or my dog, I'm allowed up to 5 sentences and one picture, and if the other person isn't asking questions or more pictures, I'll move on to another topic. If they ask more just to be polite, they'll be punished by an earful of stories and details.
Note: I'm still practicing the mindset of not taking full responsibility of everything that may go wrong in a social interaction or a friendship and don't always succeed at it
Around 18 minutes or so in they discuss something I've told people.
Go do stuff that you want to, that you find interesting. And, if you happen to have a rapport with people there? Wonderful! Pursue a friendship (or even a relationship) with them.
If you're not having fun, and it shows, or if you're there only to find someone, it's not going to go well for you.
Even better is if you do already have a friend or coworker or acquaintance that you can go with the first couple of times, who might be able to break the ice by introducing you to people.
I just ordered your book today and I'm so excited to get it! I stumbled upon your channel accidently while trying to research adult ADHD because my 24 year old daughter was recently diagnosed and had been really pushing me to get diagnosed because we match symptoms. I discussed it with my psych and she agreed so I'm being tested. My psych asked if any of my struggles were struggles when I was in school also. That night I sat down and thought about it and made a 2 page list in my bullet journal of my struggles in school. I couldn't believe it! I've been dealing with undiagnosed, untreated ADHD since I was a kid!!! Your channel really opened my eyes and makes me realize that the things I do, feel, how I react to things, etc aren't just "quirks" I'm sick with. They are symptoms! Treatable symptoms! It's like there is light at the end of the tunnel maybe!!! Thank you!
This came out at such a perfect time for me. Thank you!! 💖
Thank you both for being here. This is a question that I'm really starting to pay attention to. It's been a long time since I've "made friends". Now I'm trying to get back into it because I definitely need to expand my small horizons.
Thanks for the pointers.
I have only just started watching this and I already feel called out. "I want to be friends with people who like me" rather than actively picking people I like is something I'm only just starting to shift, and it's embarrassing that I'm doing this as an adult. Thank you so much for covering this and being so relatable!
So happy it hit home with you. So many of us do this! Its not just you. Maybe because we were last picked? Caroline
I have been multitasking while I am listening to this and everything about this is just what I need at the moment. I have realized that certain friendships were not healthy for me because I feel like I was putting more in then I was getting. This is giving me an opportunity to reevaluate where I put my time and I appreciate it so much.
Thank you so much for sharing these insights! Keep up the fantastic work!
I think when we meet someone, we tend to empathize to the point of extreme projection where we think the other person could be our best friend because we get lost in the moment and overidentify with them and project that they're just like us. I have to remind myself to reorient with reality and see the person as they are, not as I wish they were or as what parts of myself I'm projecting on them.
This was enlightening. It made me feel less guilty and ashamed about my tendencies with friendships. Especially when you talked about struggling with reciprocity and getting hyperfocused on pursuing the friendship while missing red flags. I did that recently with someone who turned out to be an awful person, I had tinted glasses simply because they seemed lonely and liked pokemon as much as me!
I'd love to see a video on conflict resolution in neurodiverse friendships, where both parties struggle with rsd and / or anxiety.
Thanks for putting this content out
I'll want/need to rewatch this but the interview is immemsely helpful for me!! Thank you for sharing this. 😊❤
Great discussion! This is valuable info for anyone that is socially ackward. So glad for your channel
This was amazing. Gotta rewatch it multiple times. It seems like a frivolous topic - friendship. But it's actually such an important investment to the overall quality of your life.
OMG, this is so timely for me. Thank you.
Jessica Mccabe your videos are so helpful and useful! You are the reason why I recently got my mild ADHD diagnosis! And thank you so so much for writing a book on ADHD! It means the world to me! This video hits me so hard because ever since I was younger I found it impossible to make friends! P.S Jessica you are an amazing mom and person so thank you!
This was extremely insightful, thank you!
thank you so much for the vulnerable questions ♥️
Your videos with Caroline are so healing for me, you two have such a great dynamic and are like speaking to so many of my direct experiences 💖
Oh my gosh- that is the nicest thing to say. I think its because I have the lived experience and because Jessica is so open. Thank you- I am so glad you are here. Caroline
@@authorcarolinem 💖💖💖
FANTASTIC video! Y’all are both great!! And greatly appreciated!! ❤
I use Sunsama, because of this channel. I LOVE it!
thank you for this conversation!
I had a very good friend for several years, but we have recently fallen out and I don't think the relationship will get repaired. This video is very helpful, glad to have run across it!
wow, im diagnosed Autism and CPTSD, THIS video has just answered a questions i couldnt put into words
I’ve been thinking about this exact problem for about a week!
Seeing your new video can’t be a coincidence. Thank you so much for your work!
I have (Autism + ADHD)
(:
You're welcome! Hope the video can help
Re. social clues. I find it very useful to straight up working into the conversation that I might miss something: "I simply don't understand irony" or "Sometimes I don't get the stuff between the lines. Did you mean that xyz?" or "Please tell me when you get tired and want to end this lunch meet. I want you to be comfortable just saying it."
1. I let people know how I work so they don't misinterpet me, and so my ADHDness doesn't surprise them later. 2. If they are also neurodivergent, they will usually do these things too, we have something in common and are more likely to become friends. Or at least have a fun night bonding over hyperfixations.
This is great! I have perceptual motor challenges but not necessarily adhd. My family is all adhd or add. All this conversation applies to me. Thanks so much!
Interesting Conversation! by the Congrats on the new baby.
Thanks to this video I just texted a friend from college I haven't seen or talked to in years. We used to play table tennis for hours after class. very close games.
Love the starfish theme chairs and pillows
This video was so helpful, no matter who I asked about getting friends none of the advice really stuck, the experiences coming from this match mine so much it’s kinda scary
I am so glad! Working with Jessica is amazing and I feel like so many of us feel this way- Caroline
Ah this is a very useful resource indeed! Thank you both for sharing your thpughts :)
I'm not ADHD but I got so much from this video.
I have so much trouble making friends. I ended a friendship I'd had for many years. When we hung out I found the experience so stressful I'd literally be sick for days to weeks after. I told myself this is what friendship is. Friendship hurts a lot. But its better than being lonely. To a lesser degree a lot of my friendships have been like this.
Slowly, slowly trying to learn about boundaries and speaking up for myself.
Sometimes it takes us a long time to realize that a "friend" leaves us feeling angry, stressed, or just plain awful. Sometimes they're a so-called friend who just wants to put us down and feel superior to us, and sometimes they are just as disregulated as we can be, which can take more energy and leave us feeling drained or over stimmulated. It's a good signal that I wish I'd realized earlier in my life!
Brilliant video, please keep going, you two are amazing!
Oh my gosh ! I am so happy you feel that way. Caroline
@@authorcarolinem Thank you!
A lot of this also applies to romantic relationships.
I honestly don’t have enough emotional energy to put into ANY relationship, so I inevitably end up distant from any friends I somehow *do* make and I’m just not worth the investment since I can’t reciprocate
That sounds familiar to me. I said the same thing for a while until one day I realized I was just being lazy, on top of a fear of rejection. You're energy goes up when you put in effort and try. If you really wanted relationships, you'd find the energy to try to get them. You just like being stuck in your funk.
@@curtpriestley2107 Your experience sounds very alien to me. You are lucky you do not have a chronic condition capping your energy even on the best of days, a condition that will always punish you with diminished capacity when you try to push beyond your limits. You are lucky that being confronted with your failings motivates you to try instead of triggering a freeze response where the guilt paralyzes you and makes you *less* able to try. You are very lucky that your ‘real wants’ are something you have the strength to do something about when you push yourself. You are lucky that your ‘wake-up call’ was successful enough to lead you to think telling someone ‘it’s your own fault for not trying’ works on everyone. Unfortunately, it did not work on me. I already knew I was weak. You, an internet stranger, telling me that I just need to try harder, to ‘really want’ to change *did not* increase my capacity to implement any sort of positive change. Far from it.
Had never heard of you before but was reccomend your book and just finished it. I just wanted to say thanks. I'm a bit weepy from the ending but am looking forward to re-listening so I can actually remember some of the advice. So yeah.. Thanks.
You listen to books? me too! im dumb
I love y'all as a duo !!
Thank you so much !! I love working with Jessica and am lucky to me her friend. Caroline