Getting REAL About the Struggle To Make Friends When You Have ADHD
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- Опубликовано: 17 янв 2024
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Hello, Brains! It's often difficult for a lot of us to make and maintain friends, so I wanted to open up about my experiences with friendships... and get Caroline's take on it!
Caroline Maguire has a handy exercise that you can download so you can recognize friendship red flags: carolinemaguireauthor.com/fri...
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Music credits:
"Life of Riley", "Montauk Point", "The Show Must Be Go”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0
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Hello Brains! Thanks for watching
Thank you for making this video. I love everything you do, you make me feel seen and heard and you make it feel like I’m not alone. I’ve related to 99% of this video.
@@dyllangames3592 I am so glad we made this video. And everything Jessica said I have felt and heard often. I am so glad you felt heard. You are not alone. There are so many of us. And Jessica helps us come together. Caroline
My name is also Jessica and this conversation was soo soo relatable that I brought tears to my eyes. I grew up always feeling like I didn’t quite belong and it was so painful. It still effect my self esteem today :(
First, thanks for the video. I think I got one for you. What do you do when you get so profoundly disappointed with your fellow man that you realize humans are actually mean and you don't really like but a small handful of them? And you have rejection sensitivity disphoria plus the baggage described in the video and you have children to try to help with similar issues. I welcome your suggestions on how to deal with this situation. 😄
Can you please offer some means of discerning if, when struggling to make friends, if the problem is "them" or the problem, to be honest, is "us"? Thank you.
It keeps blowing my mind that I look at people and think "omg they're way cooler than me and so confident and would never want to talk to me" and then discover that they're just as insecure
I have a close friend that I met through a former mutual and for years we both felt this exact thing about eachother and didn't know! we eventually had the conversation and a couple years later I was a bridesmaid in her wedding ❤
Right! I'm watching this and thinking, wow she is so cool and beautiful and smart , and how is it possible that she also feels as insecure as I 😮
Lets be friends! Do you drink coffee?
I drink coffee, can we be friends?@@CesarSandoval024
Sameee and then I find out they think the same about me. I have come to accept that I'm cool af 🍷
My favorite kind of friends are friends you can do life with. Run errands. Hang out at a house with friends and their kids. Stand in their messy kitchen with them while they wash dishes and chat.
Though, let's be honest... you're either helping with the dishes or you're the one that started doing them. 😅
How do you get those...?
I thought those kinds of friends were fiction? I've only ever seen/heard about them on tv shows and in movies.
@@bleh329 Idk, as an adult you sometimes don't really have time for a 'friend date' so you make time, like this. I can't squeeze in a dinner date with my friend so I ask if she wants to meet over lunch. We go to her place and cook something simple, and I will be gone in maybe an hour. It's better than nothing. It's better than many people can do. Sometimes a friend has a deadline she needs to work for and I come over to her place to study. We only talk on breaks. This comment made me realize I want to do these kinds of things more. There are some friends I barely ever see because they're always 'busy'. But busy life becomes very stressful if you never see friends.
Friends who you have fun with no matter what you are doing. I had one of those for a long time, but it still went sour. These friendships are made way back in your carefree days.
I don't usually comment but this video was PAINFULLY relatable. It's good to know I'm not the only one who has these thoughts
There are times I swear she is just reading from a chapter of MY lifes book not her's. So relatable
SAME (100%)
I felt like she was telling my story too. But is that an adhd experience is what I need affirmation on or is that just normal people feelings
Normally don't comment on videos in general and I had to agree. Everything she said was so relatable to me that it hurt, and just listening to these two talk was an experience that I feel is helpful.
Negative vs. Positive Traits
awkward = cute, funny
weird = unique
boring = stable
annoying = loyal
too much = bubbly, energetic
overly-emotional = deeply caring
too sensitive = observant
just a list of traits to show that if you feel like this... there is always another side to the coin.
Hope you have a great day & Safe Travels!
Oh, thanks for the summary ❤
I really like using endearing as my counter to a potential flaw. I find myself saying. "Man, that's embarrassing, I hope it's endearing." Lol
Empathetic is a good one for sensitive too.
However for "too much" I'd also like to suggest just making it a neutral proposition, just mismatched energies.
As an introvert I look for introvert energies most of the time, if someone is higher energy requires constant connection, they need to find someone else. You could say it's too much, but really I just have different preferences, and I'm "too much" of an introvert for them.
the magic of doublespeak does wonders
Thank you. I needed this. It is important to shift the perspective, and flipping the negative self adjectives does just that!
The last two was something I really needed to see :) thank you.
My diagnosis includes both ADHD and autism. I don't know how to make friends, but my autistic part isn't really interested in making friends, so it all works out. There's an old joke - "I live in my own little world. But it's okay, they know me here."
I’m like that too. Both diagnosis, and have actually never wanted friends, as a child I found other girls boring. But I have a large family, so I’m forced to spend time with others, and I appreciate them. I actually had a few friends, but they took advantage of me, so I don’t see them anymore.
I am too! My wife always says how good I am with people in general but on the flip side there are days where I just can’t function around other people, have no interest and like you said I want to be in my own world and not be bothered.
I love this
Same! I’m not interested in making friends, but my therapist explained that it’s good to have a safe place where you feel like you belong in case there’s a time when you need extra support.
@@biaberg3448I’ve got dual diagnosis too and have struggled with relationships too
I always felt like the drunk guy in a room full of sober people. Missing social cues, trying to make someone laugh by putting a lamp shade on my head. Never understood the conversation people were having.
As I got older and realized this didnt work I shut down and said nothing to anyone. Painfully awkward.
I feel you if it’s not around someone I already know aren’t judgmental
I so relate to trying so hard and missing social clues and not understanding what to do and then just giving up on it and not being as outgoing anymore or not participating in large groups.
I can relate and invite us to think the other way round - we are in a room full of drunk people and we are the only ones that are sensitive and have empathy, we are creative and have multiple interests, think out of the box and can hyper-focus, etc
@@Lbd_lbd_I was gonna say, I often feel more like the sober one haha (though that still has felt very isolating sometimes)
Omg, if I went anywhere and someone had a lamp shade on their head, I’d make a beeline to that person and want to be their friend 🤗 I’d feel like I found my people! The lampshade people ❤
On a serious note, I also really relate to what you’re actually saying… I’m 40 now and don’t spend a lot of time (or any, really) socializing, but I try to seek out anyone who looks like they might be feeling socially anxious & try to help them not feel alien like I always did/do 😅
Making friends is hard but it's also hard to recognise when it's a good friend or not. So often I've felt close to someone who didn't feel the same... Or had toxic friendships but because that's all I knew I didn't question it.
This!! It's so hard to figure out when someone is talking to you and being nice, but not a good friend. No one will just say "yo! I'm not interested in being your friend." Instead they say things like "Oh I can't make it to the movies, but maybe next time!" and they're just saying "maybe next time" to be nice...so you can never really tell that they if they actually like you or not 🙃 I've just gotten the the point where people basically have to come to my house and drag me with them somewhere before I think "Oh...this person *wants* to spend time with me?!?!"
Same! Thank you for sharing! I‘m too emotional now to write more, but it’s equally a sad and comforting thing to know, not to be alone with such struggles ❤
@@smm855 haha, that’s how you definitely know it’s super real. Otherwise it’s a guessing game
My God. I always never knew, the hurt I felt could be felt by someone as great as you. I'm a Grandpa. If my parents and teachers had resources like this channel, my life would have been different 💯
And you are changing lives. My grandchild has benefitted from _your_ advice.
This is beautiful.
Stopping generational issues from continuing. Champion
It's never too late my friend. I'm a 60 year young grandma still learning ! ❤😅❤
When she said she feels like she has to prove herself in every social situation, I felt that. I always feel like I have to prove myself, and I've slowly been starting to learn/realize that I'm not a problem, but it's so hard. I don't want to "take take take take take" in friendship, but I don't know what I can do for my friends out of a genuine heart so that it's "even/equal" put into the relationship.
Same.
What really hurts is that I had a friend with ADHD that did "take take take take take" (granted she had a long laundry list of very demanding health issues that developed mid friendship), and while not entirely her fault, the friendship fell apart, and that was a part of it.
Now I have this new friendship with another person, and I don't want to be that person in this friendship. It feels a lot more of a rational fear when you're on the receiving end of it, but it's hard to gauge when you're doing it.
I learned a helpful question about 20 years ago for those situations. Sometimes the person is a people pleaser, & sometimes we can be so "energetic", physically or mentally, that they easily hand over the reins - in the beginning.
The question to ask is: "What kind of support do you need?" (/ want/ wish for, dream about?)
And tell them the truth, that you want to have a balanced friendship and can't read their mind. So its not only okay, it's welcomed for them to speak to what they want. Even if you can't provide it, you might help brainstorm.
In general, people are not used to figuring out what support looks like, so just offering to really hear them can start a genuine shift in each of you.
❤
Sometimes, it's enough to let them talk. People like to be heard and tell their story. Sometimes I just let my friend tell their story, meaning whatever is bothering them most right now, like family, financial problems, boyfriend, etc.
Also, ask what they need specifically. A good question is "do you want a hug, for me to do something or for me to just listen?" Starting there could help.
Why did you climb into my head and post what was hidden in the back corner that I didn't even know about until I read my brain comment you posted? 🤔🤔
This is the most relatable comment I've read in a while.
Personally, I tend to be drawn towards other people with ADHD and I think that it's because the conversations tend to flow a bit more easily, I like creative people and learning new information so that tends to fit, and I also like to move a bit so it's nice to spend time with people who like being active.
I've mostly given up on trying to befriend neurotypical people at this point. ADHD and neurodivergent people are the easiest for me to connect with. It's info dumps, memes and lots of interrupting...which is exactly how I like it. They're loud and creative and fun and I'd rather be in a space like that, than try to pretend I'm something I'm not.
Same. I find it easier to connect to slightly older neurodivergent girls than regular girls
Yeah most people I still stay in contact with has ADHD and it's easier to cope and tolerate each other because both make similar mistakes so we can look out for each others' blind spots as well. Obviously ADHD is just widening the spectrum(of personality, not like ASD) hence there is more chaos compared to NTs so sometimes it can be bit unique but really it's just about feeling validated to be who we are and that's not just ADHD thing it's human thing.
For me, it’s always really hard because I’m always masking. So I feel like my friends (few and far between) don’t actually like me, they like who I present as. And I every time I have been myself in front of a friend, I’m “too much.” So I’m really working on not masking as much.
I feel like spending time with people when masking makes me more rather than less lonely, so I've been prioritizing unmasking over making friends.
I've never really masked much. I didn't learn how as a kid and only got diagnosed last year. And I still have no friends who want to be around me more then a few hours every few months.
Not trying to put you down, just lamenting my life 😑
My parents taught me at an early age that if you're not always yourself, then when you meet someone, you'll never know if they like the real you because they've never met the real you. I know that my flavor of crazy is an acquired taste. Fortunately for me, my husband truly appreciates my special blend and our crazies usually complement each other rather well... Most of the time. But it's a big part of who we are as a couple and why he is my other half - he gets me and loves me the way I am. As for other friends, I have a really hard time making deep connections with other people mostly because I don't have a lot of opportunities to see many people on a regular basis like I did when I worked in an office. We should totally have eents and meetups for people with ADHD to make friends, like they have for singles to meet other singles. Heck, they should have events for families to meet up and play games and stuff to make friends with other families. How would oe go about creating and marketing something like that?
I went through something similar. My solution with the friends I had/have, was to be very frank about it. Every one of my friends knows I have ADHD (I'm very open about things like if I forgot my meds one day, or if we're out late and they are wearing off) so I told them that I was trying to "unmask" myself and that I may be a little crazier than usual while trying to find my equilibrium. I gave them permission to tell me if I was going a little too far (they only called me on it once or twice in the span of about 3 months) and they were very supportive. I could tell they were a little surprised about the real me underneath, but ultimately it deepened our friendship.
The good news is, they are already your friends, and therefore invested in you. They want to see you succeed and be happy and healthy. They may struggle, you may struggle, and things may be a little weird(er)😉 for awhile, but it is ultimately very worth it.
My mom is an gone wrong example of masking. Internally she's bitter for being put down for most of her life and externally she's bubbly and cheerful. She has a major drinking problem because it's the only time she feels she can be herself but also gets beligerent and pushes people away when she's herself which further pushes her towards the masking.... I'd rather she cuss me out honestly than only be bubbly until drunk... It'd be easier to be around her and talk to her in honesty.
"Bottom of the group", "boring", "annoying"...I have used similar words about this topic so often. You aren't alone in your experience. It's also why I feel extra connected with your content and voice. I hope you are able to shift your self-talk to be more kind to yourself. That has been so helpful for me. I have also found friends that understand how much I need some extra reassurance from time to time. ((hugs))
Yep!
Hearing that even smart, beautiful Jessica feels this way, and seeing so many comments saying the same, is so sad but helpful at the same time. So many of us feel this way! I don’t feel so alone. Maybe even the people I feel intimidated by feel this way, so I don’t have to worry so much!
I'm 42 and have struggled with friendships my whole life. It's so funny but I would have been on Cloud 9 to have a friend like Jessica.
Ikr!!! Unfortunately, my insecure self would have assumed she wouldn’t like me, so I wouldn’t have talked to her!
I’m 43 and totally the same
I’m 53, diagnosed at 43. I went for years without understanding what ADHD was. I knew the DSM description, but there’s not much you can use in that. I got a new therapist (with ADHD) about six years ago and one of the first things she did was to send a link to your channel. I spent hours the first day watching all of the videos. You can’t imagine how much it helped me to like and to understand myself. When I hear how you’re not giving yourself credit for what you’ve done, despite being neurodivergent, my jaw drops. You’ve made so much, helped so many, and grown and grown during it all.
You are THE expert for what you do! Nobody else could have done it.
Late Dx club! I was dx at 38 last year, it's a whole new world!
How did you find a new therapist who had ADHD? I am thinking that I need that. I’m in therapy, but I’m not getting what I need out of it.
@@gunner6912 that’s a great question. My psychiatrist actually referred me to her. Not a terrible idea to ask for a therapist who “specializes” in ADHD. I doubt they’ll tell you the therapist has a diagnosis. State your location and maybe someone here will know one
Hey, 52 diagnosed at 42. Just commenting because my numbers are similar. Congrats on a decade of knowing.
You went from struggling to fit in a clique to creating a massive online clique. 😁
A massive online /community/. 😊 No cliques here, only community 🧡 And I'm loving having you all in it with me!
@@HowtoADHD I agree! 😁
THIS. Jess, you're not boring if over a million strangers CHOOSE to follow you. There are quite a few people online who talk about ADHD and neurodiversity, but you're the only one I check in with and find super relatable. It's not just about you doing the research. It's about you.
I super love this comment 😍 and it's kinda funny too, in an ironic way 😁
@@LaundryFaerieyes 100%… I don’t have the attention span to watch most people who talk about adhd lol but I always click on her videos as fast as possible
I’m a therapist and Caroline just talked you through the steps of CBT beautifully!
1. Tracking triggers
2. Thought reframing
3. Behaviour experiments
Spoiler alert - it's you, the person.* The single most valuable thing a RUclipsr can have is a great genuine fun *kind* personality - and you're killing it! I am sure other people can do all the research and be passionate about ADHD and explain it well, or, who knows, maybe even better. But what you have created here is a Community. We follow you not just for the knowledge and the fun way you convey it, we follow you because you are one of us, you share your own experience, and your struggles, and your journey, and you are open and vulnerable with us in a way not every educational RUclips channel is! You're great, heck, you're AMAZING at what you do, and that's both being a specialist in ADHD and an awesome RUclipsr, but, most importantly, you're a loved and cherished member of the community that you work so, so hard to make better! Thank you for your service and PLEASE don't think you're just some random person that happened to do this! (Or else! *stern look*)
*Side note, I literally interrupted watching the video at the ~8 min mark to write this comment cuz OMG I so want you to know this!!! AAAA!!! YOU GOTTA BE TOLD AND IF NOBODY ELSE DOES IT THEN I WILL!!!
Edit: I am now at the ~17 min mark and I just wanna give you a massive hug ;..; You're AWESOME, ok?? I can't imagine you being a "bad" friend because you care so much about us, complete strangers on the internet that happen to have the same issues that you have, so how would you not apply this to your real life relationships?!
19:34 The affirmations she was saying (“I am empathetic, I am creative”) remind my of the affirmations I started singing to myself before I start work (in my car before I go in)
It came to me when I was listening to that TikTok sound “I can be brown I can be blue I can be violet sky I can be purple I can be hurtful I can be anything you like” (Sarah Cothran’s cover of Grace Kelley)
And I loved how it repeated over and over again, and she changed which part of the vocals she was doing. So I made my own version which is “I can be strong. I can be brave. I can be patient and kind. I can be thoughtful. I can be hopeful. I can be anything I like” and it repeats in the different way she sang it (low part, mid part, high part, etc).
I really like that song and I really like repetition so it has really helped me get in the right headspace as someone who doesn’t personally feel very comfortable just saying personal affirmations.
Thank you for sharing. Its a great hack. I will do it. ❤
This is as lovely as it is catchy! Great work!
Wow you're really good with matching the syllables and writing lyrically, and this also really cheered me up today. so thank you!!
I LOVE Mika’s version of this song. Thank you! I’ll be borrowing this ❤
Friends have always been hard for me. Throughout childhood I've learned I didn't have friends around so much as people that knew they could get stuff from me because I would desperately give my friends everything hoping to keep them around. As an adult, I've found a handful of people I can unmask around and actually kind of be myself, but I'm always so anxious about annoying them or hitting them up too much that I'll often not end up hanging out with anyone. A lot of it is definitely just internalized things, but I feel you. Making friends and feeling like it's a real thing is hard. Thank you for sharing your struggle ❤
I'm going to share a social awkwardness moment. When I was in fifth grade, my mother would send me to school with money to buy lunch. I would almost always get a little bit of change back and it used to bother me to carry it around in my pockets all day. I didn't like the sound of the coins rubbing against each other in my pocket. One day at recess, I decided the best way of getting rid of this annoyance was to walk around randomly handing change to people so I could get it out of my pocket. (Hey, it made sense to my 9-year-old brain.) Because I hadn't been popular at that school, as I hadn't been popular at my previous school, one of the boys started making fun of me and accusing me of trying to buy friends. So I stopped giving my change away, went out to the far end of the playing field, kicked a hole in the dirt and buried my change rather than have it sit in my pockets.
I wasn't officially diagnosed with ADHD until I was 50 years old, but all the signs were there. Including the social awkwardness, which I still live with. And I still don't like carrying change in my pockets, but now I have a wallet! ❤
It feels like there's a good analogy here... we have things of value to offer the world, but sometimes we assume those things of value are not worthwhile because we don't personally value them. And there will always be people who make fun of us for trying to offer others what we have, but that doesn't mean what we have is not of value, nor does it mean that literally burying our talents is the only other option.
I related so hard to this, it was painful but also healing to watch.
It's heartbreaking to hear how low Jessica's self-esteem is, and when she said something to the effect of 'anyone can do what I do' re this channel, I was stunned. Sure and anyone could paint the Mona Lisa as well, no big deal Leo... lol.
Does Jess even realise the huge positive impact she's had on so many lives? I don't know if I'd have gotten a diagnosis without this channel!
I'm not sure if I would've pursued a diagnosis either without this channel. I started watching out of curiosity, and I resonated with so much that I thought there must be something to it, and I found out that there was indeed.
as an introvert, ADD, fat kid in junior high, i was poked at constantly. in high school, i had only 2 or 3 friends at a time. as an adult, ive become confident and secure in myself, but my adult friends have all moved on to pursue their goals. good on 'em but now i dont have friends. thats a real challenge. those around me are friendly socially, but friendships dont stick.
Similar here. I'm definitely better are socializing than I was before, diagnosed late 30's. But I've let go of adult friends because I realized they really didn't respect me and made efforts to avoid me anyway. And what few friends I have now I'm lucky if I see any one of them once a month.
I found that it's never too late to make it stick, but if you don't feel like it then obviously you don't have to.
It is hard to maintain friendships and as far as I can tell it's not just me or being ADHD; that feeling is quite mutual to almost everyone.
Everyone feels lonely and many people find it hard to maintain adult friendship. Being ADHD, it's certainly harder but possible.
You do however, start to wonder as you get busier that if putting in the effort is worth the outcome.
I like to have a little side quest on me when I socialize with new people, like practicing how to introduce myself.
You can make it worth your while to make it fun for you to challenge and make effort, not for the friendship itself but for your own fun.
I know it's not as easy as I made it sound but eh, seems like when it works it works.
Back in my twenties (years before I was diagnosed with ADHD), a friend repeatedly cancelled plans with me, going so far as to text me last minute that she had "gotten a better offer." That really made me feel like I was both too much and not enough, that I talked too much about stuff that annoyed people, and that I was a problem, despite what my partner and other people in my life were telling me. I can know with my thinking brain that she was going through a major life transition and that her behaviour was probably more about her than me, but my emotional brain felt like she had just told me that our eight years of friendship meant nothing to her.
I was homeschooled as a kid, which limited social opportunities and learning a lot, and that has also made forming friendships harder. I tend to find someone I click with and latch on tight, because if I don't, I might lose them. Most of my close friends are also neurodivergent in some way and we have similar tendencies to cling and be intense and we're all aware of it.
I'm sorry your friend said something so cruel to you. She was the one who wasn't being a good friend, and that's on her. Hope your people now are kinder. Hugs (if you want them)
I relate to most of your comment - including latching on tight and having that one friend who would cancel or "forget" we'd made plans the night before and I often wouldn't know until I either texted or called them. That included bailing on us going shopping on my birthday one year.
My social issues stem from being fostered for the first two years of my life, then being adopted by emotionally unavailable/immature parents who already had a fair amount of dysfunction going on. I'm getting better thanks to a great counsellor, but it's hard work!
I feel like this is one of the more important issues to address regarding ADHD but everyone focuses on "gets distracted too easily". I relate to a lot of these experiences. For the longest time, I didn't have friends, and the few friends I *did* have usually had cooler friends they prioritized over me, so I was usually left behind. I'm in a much better place now as an adult, but it can be hard to get over those initial experiences.
First let me say... many people DO tell people about ADHD on uTube.... but only YOU do it so expertly and relatably.
I will admit, I was nervous about watching this because the struggle IS so real, but once again you voiced exactly what is in my head.
I think the biggest help for me in friendship, is finding "my people". Funnily enough... it would seem I found myself an ADHD community before any of us knew we actually were ADHD. Now your book/vlog is helping me find a new (and better) version of "normal."
The “i feel like I have a place where I belong but thats where it ends” is so relatable. Recently, i was able to get more friends, but I still feel as if I still mess up too much and don’t do enough as a friend. I don’t even know how to operate socially, and i go into situations with the mindset that I’m obviously going to be mostly disliked. I must have made a bad impression somewhere. They must find me boring. Im going to be hard to work with etc. I don’t recognize things like being empathetic and kind to other people and caring about the way I treat others. I don’t recognize even that caring so much is a positive thing that could make me more likable
Thank you for posting this, I relate way too much to being the “less than” friend. It’s a terrible feeling and hate that you have it, thanks for everything you do!
Man I really remember that cycle in elementary school of walking into a friend group and hanging out with them until they got sick of me, then walking into another group, etc. I started looking for backup friends during my current friendships of the time, knowing they would inevitably get too annoyed with me
I didn’t that too 😂
Same
At age 54 I realize the friends I’ve managed to keep either have ADHD themselves or understand my ADHD and accept me for who I am (not being the best at keeping in touch). The other quality I’ve noticed is THEY are each people who reach out. I call these types of people “connectors” or “touchstones”- they are the types of people who do the social planning, who email or call or text. I am good at responding, but not great at initiating, so I’m very grateful to these folks. I only have a few friends, but I’m grateful.
"People on RUclips only like my work, they don't like me as a person" EXCUSE ME ???? NO !!! A huge part of what makes this channel so nice is *YOU* as a person. You're sunny, you're friendly, you're funny, and you make people feel at ease. 🥰
I'm constantly waiting for my "short comings" to ruin every relationship I have built. I'm 39 and was diagnosed a year ago. So much make sense now but those internal messages don't go away. So much of what your shared resonated with me.
Ice cream.
When I was a kid my mom did a great job of 2 things: (1)she told me it was okay to like to do what I liked and not necessary to try to hang out and do things that just weren't fun for me and (2)she'd practise social skills (and physical ones like jumping rope) with me to help me work out how to be more confident. I really wish she was still alive. I do remember those talks but I also often feel like I'm not good enough in ways that matter.
you are more then good enough don't sell yourself short we gotta uplift and help each other
She sounds like she was an amazing human being. sending hugs ❤️
Practicing with you 🥹
Connections are just hard in general foe everyone this generation. So it's helpful overall
This chapter hit me really hard. I think I learned to not be disruptive and to avoid some of the bullying by presenting as 100% introverted and escaping into video games and cartoons as much as I could.
I am 64. Just diagnosed in the last couple years. My goal last year was to make a friend. I failed. The last friend I had couldn't get out of my car fast enough when we were last together. I am the person who will go out of their way to help. Which people love about me- but I am not the person they call to go for a walk, or coffee...The thought of dying and having no one show up to say nice things about me, besides my kids makes me sad. The struggle is real.
Diagnosed at 52. Feels like a waste of the $3,000 to be told I just need strategies. This is the story of my life! I have many coping strategies! It's the emotions I need help with. Most of your videos are relatable and you're the reason I finally got diagnosed (you and my wonderful wife). I share everything with her! I've NEVER had a relationship where I could do so. I wonder everyday if she thinks anything remotely the same about me (Am I offering enough?). She offers so much too me. Keep doing the great work! We all need each other.
Ok. Can I just say… YOU are the reason I watch your channel. The tips and tricks are great, but they aren’t why I’m here. All of your wild and wonderful self is what I connect with. As someone who also came to a diagnosis later in life (later than you at 40), your authenticity is beautiful.
Agree completely.
“Who I am,” as you incisively put it, has never been enough for my mother. She always wants _less_ and different, going out of her way to tell me that she feels wistful when looking at her friend’s daughter. I find it difficult to really believe deep down that other women can be easier to please and kinder.
@@caroleholomuzki32 sad fact of the matter is many people have no business having kids and shouldn't be allowed.
My parental units were both pieces of work. I have seen people be better than them. But even those people don't want to be around me much, so... 🤷♀
In my 40s and I still feel the same way with many of the same thoughts too. Doesn't help my parents still bully me in the same way as "friends" too. It's so much harder to try to get away from it when your family continues it through your life. Hearing Caroline say we have so much to offer, just makes me cry because I really don't feel like I do have anything to offer to anyone. Being unemployable doesn't help either. I have no value for even productivity or anything. Just a few days ago, my Dad even told me I couldn't possibly understand how a gate hinge works because I've never built something from scratch out of wood. How do you feel good about yourself when dealing with this sort of thing all the time? *in tears*
Thank you so much for letting us know that we aren't alone in this, because when we're by ourselves, it sure does feel that way.
same
Thank you so much for sharing this. I can relate with so much of this. Also congrats on the NYT bestseller!
Lots of people do videos about ADHD, but THIS is where I come when I need to feel like I am not alone. The community you have built here is a safe space in a world where a kot of us just rarely feel safe around others. I am sooo grateful to have found you here.
Jessica, I cried with you for pretty much the same realisations and feelings about my past and the inner voices that keep those same feelings alive.
The reason so many of us watch you is your honesty and openness when you talk about your struggles. When you put stuff out there and say this is what I struggle with and this has helped me... That gives us hope
The qualities I see in you that come across in your videos are absolutely the qualities I want in a friend.
You are always an inspiration. Thank you
❤ As you are, so am I. 💞
i've been listening to the book when i go on walks or wash dishes, it's so digestible, i love it
That's awesome!!
I identify with all the things you discussed about internalizing negative messages, and feeling like you need to bring productivity and value to a friendship rather than just trusting that you’re enough. Thank you so much for making videos like this that make me feel less alone and abnormal.
Omg yes!!! Feeling like you have to prove your value in order to be in a space!!! That’s such an important one, and also such a painful one. You can’t just exist. You need to be “good enough”to be there… 😓
Yep, and you try so hard to ‘earn it’ and trying to make people like you and not be too much and drive them away because you don’t want to be alone - that you then have to go be alone because you’ve burned out trying! It’s a catch-22
Listening to you talk about being bullied hit so hard.😢❤
seeing jessica cry gives me the same feeling as seeing a sad puppy/kitten :'( also, i EXTREMELY relate to this entire conversation holy cow
I had that “who else would take me” mentality for 7 years in a toxic relationship. Someone who always made me feel bad about my ADHD symptoms before I was diagnosed, and then would bad mouth my medication, say that I was worse on it, or that I only spoke about my condition after I found out about it. Took me a lot of work in my self and in my self-love to get out of it
I just wanted to say that I think it's incredibly brave putting videos up there where you show yourself in such a vulnerable position to help others understand their struggle and understand that they are not alone with their struggles.
I struggle with every single social situation, because I'm boring and feel bad for people having to deal with me. Feel like a lot from this video hit home.
I can resonate with everything in this video...I also had friends who were more popular and I'd feel like I was never a priority, and just a last resort, but for me specifically...I was always the "wise" friend who offered advice to others who were living life and cheering people on from the sidelines. It turned me into a people-pleaser...I would end up in dynamics where people only came to me for help and I would have to "rescue" them and comfort them...while they didn't seem to care much about me or how I felt. I learned that how other people feel is more important than how I feel.
You and I must be living on the same wavelength. It's incredibly alienating feeling like you're the 'spare' friend. You always get treated as the back up for whenever the 'good' friend isn't around or busy.
This was so relatable... I cried with you - I had the biggest feels thinking about elementary school. Eventually (in my 30's) I have made some dear friends. It took me a LONG time, but I found weird people to be weird with me. They forgive me for always being late (a couple of them are too) It's been really hard to remind myself that I am awesome and fun! I am sometimes "flakey" but am able to tell my friends about it later. I have found out that 9 times out of 10 I saved them from having to cancel because they were too tired or too overwhelmed by peopling that day like me. Thank you for talking about this - it very much validated my feelings as a child/young adult - heck now too! Thank you!!
Jess, I'm crying with you. We are close in age and life experience of school, popularity, friendship, self esteem ...
This episode has been so cathartic, validating, and inspiring.
Thank you for being you.
NO ONE but you could have made "How to ADHD." It is what it is because you did it this way.
One thing you may not realise is how endearing you are. That quality really affects how people perceive you, in a way that you may not consider when you're overthinking your interactions.
The first minute, I gasp in recognition. The second minute, its feels like we're gonna cry. The third minute, your hope and earnest search for where you matter.... Oh dear, you matter and so do your concerns. The fourth minute on and loving to see the encouragement and conversation shared. Tears of joy and connected understanding. Thank you both so kindly.
There are many "options" to watch on RUclips. Your enthusiasm and style are why I come back here to watch *your* videos - it is very encouraging to me (diagnosed only a month ago).
Thank you very much for being honest and vulnerable. That bravery is very helpful for me to analyze my own thoughts and feelings I'm going through.
10:25 i feel this so much. At age 39 i'm still having problems making friends because i refuse to let people 'treat me badly' like why do people use harmful behaviour as 'banter'. Even though i really want companionship and comraderie, 'friends' seems to be such a 'bad' thing I have to put up with for diminishing return.
I want to finally find my people.
I always knew I didn't fit. But I came on here to try and help my relationship with my kids because of the things I know they said to me about their own add struggles. I found myself crying through the last half of this because of the little girl I was who went without knowing anyone like me. To have the things you shared impact me to tears, I know that I have been the same my whole life as you. That's the value of opening up and having friends. We don't know how normal we actually are until we hear someone tell us their own struggles. From the bottom of my tired old heart, thank you for sharing you're suffering so openly. Because at 62, now I know I'm not the only one that's like this.❤❤❤ and I don't have to pretend to be the way I think I should be. I can work on the things I think and how I treat myself with specific examples that your guests provided. I am truly touched. And so grateful I ran across this channel.
Oh my gosh, I LOVE how bubbly, fresh, alive & vulnerable you are! I'm sure there are plenty of other people I could learn about ADHD from and I have learned from others but your reels are so enjoyable, and so comprehensive that I just want to listen to you. So much of what you share is you being understanding, caring and supportive ~ i e. a friend.
My biggest appreciation for you and your videos is your openness & pure expression of emotions. No amount of research can convey your experiences with (adhd) life so vividly as you do like that. Negative struggles AND positive excitements.
Also the work and research is quite cool too.
“Who I am is not enough” is the message that parents and society gave to me too 🙏🏼🌺
Thank you Jessica for sharing your experiences 💕 I started to follow your channel bc my daughter is diagnosed with ADHD, but I resonate with your posts so much myself I am on the waiting list to get diagnosed at 51 for ADHD/ASD.
The masking, trying to fit in has taken its toll big time. I haven’t had a good relationship in my life and friendships have been hard. Only a few friendships left, the rest ditched me for my ME/CFS symptoms and Neurodiverse traits.
Ppl liked me in certain roles, but as soon as I had needs and imperfections they turned arrogant on me, especially when language processing issues became noticeable. Even though I miss deep connections, most of the time socializing exhausts me 🙏🏼🌺
This made me cry because I relate so much to everything you said. I've had so many negative experiences with friendships and trying to make friends that whenever I do belong somewhere, I still feel like they just tolerate me. Also, for what it's worth, I definitely also watch this channel for your personality and I'd love to have a friend like you!
You’re awesome Jessica! How to friend is hard. I relate so much.
4:50 “oh, you’re looking for positives!” That had me cracking up!
Our "Flaws" are what make us interesting. What we think makes us "weird" is what good friends find intriguing and it is what they come back for.
My positives... Non jugmental and a safe space for others, empathetic, honest, compassion, content in a lot of ways, silly, good at working through problems or seeing different perspectives, hilarious and fun, i have no expectations, love hearing peoples stories and having conversations.
Also, thanks for Caroline’s resources. As a newly licensed therapist (with ADHD) I think that I could learn a lot!
It's crazy how much this resonates with me and knowing it resonates with so many other people. I've distanced myself so far from "little me" and I'm finally getting to a point of trying to look back more kindly. A lot of family and friends have told me things like "I like you so much now, you used to be so annoying" and I never knew how to tell them that the me they like was a mask created by the depression and loneliness they put me through. Now, I'm finally getting to a point of letting my true self come through, and I have friends who appreciate my excitement and enthusiasm and mirror it with their own. I'm still struggling with healing that breach between my inner child and my present self, but we're working on closing the gap :)
Immediately in tears when Jessica opens up about how she thinks people see her. To see her, who I see as so kindhearted and smart and interesting, say the same words my brain bullies itself with like “if not boring, then annoying”, “too emotional.” Ooohoho, it does things to my heart. Both like,… feeling empathy and compassion for her and also for myself. Overwhelmed haha :’)
And Caroline’s response is also so relatable! “I want to envelop you in love right now, you magical bean. But I know so many of us feel this way.” aaaaahhhh
I’m crying as much as you two. Y’all are CHAMPS!!!
I related so much to how you described your childhood, especially being defferential to others and constantly questioning what I have to contribute.
I listened to this video while making friendship bracelets (for myself). It's a bit ironic. My friends are always too busy, so I get to see them about once a month. It feels very empty, but I'm also used to and usually comfortable being alone at home. And at this point in my 30's, I think most people are indeed very busy with work or family.
Something that stood out to me was how you said was that regarding How To ADHD, "Anybody could have done this" something to think about that I heard in an interview the other day "you are more than your art, you are [and everyone is] more than your work." We have value as people, not only as "the person who does the thing" We love Who you are too, Jessica. We love your voice and the way you are. as an example, I think if you decided to make a channel about a new hobby; even if this hobby was not for everyone, you would have a lot of us who would still tune in for you, and to hear what Jessica has to say.
Wow so well said I feel exactly the same! Honestly there are other channels and websites that talk about ADHD but something about Jessica's honest likeable personality keeps me coming back.
Thank you for being so vulnerable on camera. This will help a lot of people.
Oh, Jessica…you are luminous. You are compelling. You break my heart open because you’re so willing to be honest. There are lots of people talking about ADHD on RUclips but I watch you because of YOU. I’d make a beeline to talk to you in a party without knowing you at all because your awesomeness shines through.
I stopped by the Barnes and Noble in St. George, Utah a couple of days ago to pick up a copy of your book, and they were sold out! Congratulations, it seems to be pretty well-received. I don't mind waiting a week or so until their next shipment arrives.
11:35 Damn, that hits way too close to home! I've been working on unlearning the fact that I need to "justify my existence" in any given situation. It sucks but it's so worth the work!
I have always been insecure but surprisingly outgoing. I would talk to people without thinking and then get awkward. Good news is as you get older you stop caring as much.
Much love to you Jess ❤️ you're amazing 😘
Oh my goodness, when you said "anyone could do it." it broke my heart.... yeah, anyone could gather the facts, compile them and deliver them, but YOU do it in such a sweet, bubbly, charming way, that it is easier to comprehend. Anyone can say "these numbers are self explanatory, so let me explain..." You deliver it in a charming package, with your "Hello brains!" and your wonderful personality.
Wow. I am sitting her in tears. I'm in my mid 40s and going through the process of getting an official diagnosis after two of my three children have been diagnosed with ADHD. Learning through this channel and through my children's experiences has been eye opening. This resonated so incredibly deeply for me. You are both incredible. This channel is such a gift. Thank you.
Feels like it’s been forever since I met anyone new or made new friends. I don’t even know any places or events that would help me meet people naturally
One way that might be helpful is finding classes or meet-ups or other things that lean into things you already like to do... so joining a choir if you like singing or doing community theater, going to a place to go dance if you enjoy dancing, or doing a knitting class or knitting meet-up if you like knitting, etc.
@@HowtoADHD Thank you for the suggestion! I will have to look more into it to see what goes on around here. Maybe a sports league or board game club or something would be cool
I am so in awe of your courage. It must'nt have been easy putting this video online
16:13 Addressing scarcity mindset/core beliefs helps. ❤ 17:32 *TOOLS* Pre-game to make yourself feel comfortable and good (video on this coming). As you enter a social situation, start counting up your wins (e.g. "I showed up!" For me: "I talked to a human instead of just petting the dog."😉). Notice self-talk & replace negative thoughts. 19:11 Examples: Instead of “It’s only a matter of time before
I mess up.” *"It's only a matter of time before I do something great."* Love that! 🥰Mindset of experimenting 'til you find what works for you. Noticing your POSITIVE traits. 🌈😃🌱
I avoided watching this video for a while because I knew it would hit hard. Listening to Jessica talk it felt like I was listening to myself talk, and god it made my heart ache. But for one of the first times in my life, I didn’t feel alone.
thank you so much for this video. I guess I knew my rocky childhood friendships were surely affected by my (self diagnosed) adhd, but I am still amazed by the amount of times during this video that you described situations exactly as I have experienced them. You are never alone in your struggles
You are enough!!!!! What is the most interesting thing about anyone is who they are at the core..... Not who they are trying to be.
I also need some ice cream after that. Nearly everything you said reflected my experiences as well. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 38 and have so much baggage from not being diagnosed for so long.
As someone who has never been diagnosed with ADHD, and the possibility of having ADHD was only raised 12 months ago, watching your channel has been explaining so much about my life. This one really hits home, even as a 36 year old, who spends so much of my time isolated because why would anyone want to hang out with me? With the added pressure of recent divorce, where, in my head, not even my own wife wanted to be around me anymore, hopelessness is at the top of the list when considering social situations or making friends. Negative self-talk is so high, and the more I watch your channel, the more I realise why.
I'm struggling to get my hands on your book, but as soon as I can, it's high on my priority list!
I just want to say, your videos are a great help to me, and yes i watch them because of the information and research, but I also watch them because you are delightful, and sweet, and relateable. You seem like a great person who it would be really fun to be friends with.
I've been watching your videos for a while now and this is the first one I've commented on because i just wanted to say that.
I just wanted to be one more voice telling you that even through the internet you have an energy that makes it seem like it would be really fun to be your friend (regardless of other options around). Because when something is said enough, maybe you start believing it (even when its good).
Man, this is such a powerful video. So many thanks for being vulnerable and showing this exchange
INFO DUMP HYYYYYYYPE!! I love to listen to people infodump about their passions! I have ADHD, and just love to hear people talk way over my knowledge about stuff they really love!
OMG! When Caroline was asking about yourself at the beginning and you kept answering with - “I’m too much, I am annoying …”, your inability to answer her question is ME TOO!! If Caroline asked me this exact same question, I know 100% my answers would be identical to yours, and not even be able to understand what is the actual answer she is looking for. I have watch so many of your videos, but I have never been more seen as with this specific interaction. I don’t know what I am actually trying to say, but WOW! It’s videos like this that helps us realise that it isn’t just us, so many people feel the same as we do, we just need to find our tribe - which is easier said than done, but the internet makes it a little easier. Thank you!
I’ve said so many of the things you were sharing about your own thoughts to myself… this was very helpful and I appreciate the discussion you were both sharing ❤
Jessica, you being so vulnerable is making teary too. It's 2:30 AM in the morning, it's not fair. 😂😢
Regardless, I can sympathise with the struggle. I also feel overbearing on my friends a lot. I felt very rejected as a kid, and so even the friendships I have, I'm worried of breaking them
The mindset I use is that I live laugh and love out of sheer spite. My hypothetical enemies will have to pry my spirit out of my bloody broken fists. Helps with getting through it.
I think my biggest strength for making friends actually stems from my ADHD. Most of the times I've made friends is when I've accidentally eavesdropped on a conversation and heard something that I can relate to and just blurt out my response. I realise I am beyond lucky that it hasnt ended badly for me
We like not only because of research, we like you because you are interesting 😊
Thank you for saying that to Jessica-- because she is so much fun and kind and wonderful. She is one of the people I always turn to -- and I had forgotten about that part of the video until I watched it today and I was like -- people love you for you-- not everyone could do this!! So thank you for saying that -Caroline
I needed this video