The Problem of Friendships with ADHD
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- Опубликовано: 21 окт 2024
- 🚀 Transform your Morning Routine with ADHD: geni.us/adhd-m...
ADHD and replying to messages don't always mix well, but this ultimate guide has your back (and your inbox). If you've ever ghosted anyone for several years only because you forgot to reply to them that one Tuesday, you're in the right place!
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WOW. I can relate soooo much. I feel like I've lost so many friends over the years because of my inability to respond back. It's not like I intentionally do it but texting back later turns into 6-8 months of not replying.
Allan I feel you with all of my heart!! It is just a constant struuuggle 🤧 without help I'd probably succumb to shame and anxiety at some point too.. though I considered recommending using AI generated answers as help too 😅
If someone I considered a friend didn't text me back for 6-8 months I would have already gone through a grieving process of losing them and feel like they didn't like nor care about me enough as a person to want me in their lives. In fact I'm going through this right now with a friend who has ADHD.
As someone who has to deal with this with every person I know, I feel the same way. @@the777john
@@the777johnme too✊🏻
It's hard to empathize when I don't notice it so much when people do it to me. It doesn't have much to do with how fond I am of them. Sometimes, their response is extraordinarily crucial to preserving the relationship, though. A unique situation, for example.
I'm just too mentally exhausted from the required social interactions of life to pursue recreational social interactions. I have friends, and they ARE understanding, but it's not fair to them when I am not able to support them in their lives. I'm actually on a leave of absence from work right now because I burned out and shutdown. I've been home for two months trying to heal my brain, and I still feel shutdown. It's one of my biggest frustrations in life - not having the energy to pursue anything because daily life is so draining. No kids. Regular 40 hr job. No physical illness or problems. Just mentally exhausted.
I have the same exact problem. Really wish I could take off so much time from work to try to recuperate and heal my brain. I feel like I'm just running on empty and burning the candle on both ends
I know his you feel
I feel this so much
I definitely understand, unfortunately. Hope you’re feeling better 💟
in the past ADHD people had it easier, as living in a small city or community, you got to see your friends almost every day... now it's up to keep touch with messages and its a huge pressure and people are more "out of sight"
the way that I literally teared up from watching this video, I have hurt so many of my friends and family, even lost friends all together bc of my poor messaging habits. I always wondered what was wrong with me and why was it so hard for me to just respond to messages when other people don’t struggle with that. I feel like the tips you share in this video will help a lot. I haven’t been diagnosed with ADHD, but I found your videos this week and the amount that I can relate to all of the things you explain… it makes me feel like I wish I would’ve looked for help way sooner in life (i’m 23) whether it’s help for possibly having adhd or just help in general. thanks for making these videos ❤
I'm so sorry! I'm right there with you! *hugs*
I laughed so hard when she said ‘how do I apologise for ghosting?’
That’s literally my whole deal.
thanks for this. I don't have ADHD but a past friend suspected that she did - undiagnosed. As someone on the other side of it, it really does feel incredibly hurtful. Over the years, I've spent so much time feeling like it is a 1 sided friendship. I spend time messaging and caring about her... and then I never receive a response back. It feels very isolating and heartbreaking. I am now feeling a lot of grief about letting go of that friendship, but I also just feel like I couldn't bear it anymore. The dynamic made me feel SO anxious and insecure, over time, like she didn't like me as a friend anymore or couldn't be bothered to spend a few mins on a reply. I tried literally like 8 to 10 different times to address it over the years, but it's not within my control - it was up to HER to seek solutions or support or therapy or self help, but it seemed like she never did. It makes me so, so sad. Literally crying in my car rn. I hope people will really take what you're saying to heart and try to maintain their friendships. Speaking from experience, I feel such a deep loss and it's so emotionally painful.
I'm going through this same exact thing with a friend who is diagnosed with ADHD and I care about her so much and I really feel like she doesn't care about me at all. I always reach out to her and she does respond often but she never reaches out to me. She'll always tell me how she appreciates me and enjoys our friendship but she never makes herself available or includes me in anything. I want to know more about her and her life, her day to day, that's what friendships are but I begin to feel like she's so closed off and guarded most of the times and then others she's an open book, we'll laugh and have a good time. It's a roller coaster and she tells me not to take it personally but I can't not take some of the things personally when they're very personal like if she says hey lets do this or that or I want to go with, and when the time comes for this or that event I get a completely different person who is now rejecting what we were supposed to be going and doing. I'm left scratching my head like hey you wanted to do this now you don't? Not only does it ruin plans it hurts because I was excited to see her and do something together as friends. Then I'm left questioning our whole friendship. Then I'll see her go and do things with other friends no problem all the time even shortly after excluding me from plans she made with me. It's such terrible behavior honestly sometimes I feel like ADHD is just an excuse for it and I feel very hurt and rejected. It kills me because I know she struggles with depression and ADHD and I want to be there for her but she just won't open herself up enough to let me in and listen and be there for her. So does she really care about me and appreciate me like she says? She doesn't show it in fact she shows the opposite with some of the behavior and I honestly can't tell if it's the ADHD or if she really just doesn't like me at all as a person. So I've halted reaching out to her lately and I actually feel as if I've entered a state of grieving over a loss for someone I cared about. It's so terribly one sided.
💕
@@the777john💕
@@the777johnYour feelings are valid and you deserve to have a friend who returns your level of attentiveness and consideration.
I have a policy now-I won’t date people with ADHD. I just don’t believe they have the capacity to give me what I need to be happy. Attention and love are basically the same thing. And they have a deficit in their ability to give attention.
The urge to send this to my friend with ADHD who doesn’t text me back fast enough
This video was super useful. "Any message is better than no message" is such a simple and obvious thing to keep in mind, yet hard to overcome. Thanks for the reminder.
Ppl think I’m ghosting them when what’s actually happening is that I’m in anxiety every single day about not responding to them and the time just keeps moving forward (a freeze response) or some days I feel relieved at the thought that it’s ok because I’ll respond soon but then later (again), I cannot actually get myself to respond. I have no idea why. The best thing for others to do is to be very very persistent in trying to reach me, not taking it personally, not demanding an explanation, COMPASSION. if you do get a hold of me, not shaming me or expressing disappointment in me, and basically just acting like there wasn’t a void, making sure I know you care about me. This is necessary because the “ghosting” wasn’t about the other person. It’s a crippling anxiety response and not ‘actual’ ghosting. I’m too nice to really just stop talking to someone and not care, which is probably part of the problem. Everything normal ppl do in a day without thinking, takes me an extraordinary amount of energy and pre thought. Contacting ppl back is a landmine for me. At first the anxiety is small, but as days go by and it starts to get weird, my stress goes up up up.and then I’m paralyzed. I literally just stare at a wall in fear instead of contacting back. This is my best description of what it’s like for me. I have adhd, rsd and other comorbid ingredients for very incompatible social skills to the rest of society. If you are neurotypical, please don’t give up on your friend. If you are neurodivergent, please don’t give up on yourself and your friend/relative/etc because the good ones will keep trying. The ppl worth being in your life will accept you are this way and try to help, not be selfishly angry.
If there’s any value to this behavior, I would say that we are giving those, we interact with, the opportunity to practice Unconditional Love. So please do.❤
Hi. I just came here to say that I see the effort you are putting into your channel and you're doing so well! Been watching for a while and I'm weirdly proud of you as a fellow ADHD'er. The time I know goes into it, the structure of the script, the consistency of uploads... As a Media producer and ADHD chaos lady, I'm really impressed and happy for you. Hope you are doing well behind the scenes too. 🧡✨
When someone asks me to do something over text I freeze. “Want to go to lunch on Friday?” I immediately know that I want to, but I know I’m going to be late, be over booked because I forgot I had something else and you’ll be pissed off. So I don’t text back. Until I know for sure I can commit. Then you’re mad because you think I ignored you.
Awww! I know the feeling! It's why I hate having full-time commitments.. Like I can't ever be sure what my life will look like when the time comes. It's so hard to gauge what will come in the way.
I'm learning to say yes when I really want to now and use the pressure of the coming appointment to get myself to do all the other things I'm trying to do on time. You could try this!
Alternatively, you could try to just be honest and try to unmask slowly in front of your friends telling them that that's how you work and you can't tell them for sure for now, but you will tell them at a later point (and tell them the later point). Hope that helps!
It's because you did ignore them whether or not you intended to. They cannot read your mind. It is better to be up front amd honest and say something than nothing at all
@@AntoniasUniverse that’s helps. Thanks
What I usually do is say that I really want to go but I need to check if I can and that I'll get back to them when I get the answer. (then I pin that message if it's on WhatsApp to keep seeing it)
Your video was meaningful/helpful 🙏🏾.
Awaiting my diagnosis in my early 40s. Your insights on ghosting and isolation resonated. Another ADHD creator suggested AI for message responses, and it's made a difference. Your video techniques helped me reconnect with 3 lost friendships today, receiving warm responses (was surprising to me).
I've saved this video as a reminder to focus on quick responses (during walks or washroom time). Thank you so much🤗.
Emotional barriers are probably part of it. I have those for doing dishes and reading things, the latter one is ironic. I have the opposite problem. I answer messages right away and my problem is that I can type really long responses. If I put messages off, it can take me weeks to come back.
I can hyperfocus on writing, it doesn’t mean it is going to be good. It’s like 3-4 short messages where I forgot to add something or I have typos to correct. There will be several messages in a row that should have been one or walls of text. With me phonecalls are better most of the time and the larger the text box the more I write. So I prefer Phonecalls, snapchat and texts over emails. When it comes to emails, I’m cursed and I have decided to avoid them as much as possible. It just sucks the life out of everyone.
I hate emails. They are the worst!
You are so on point with the several messages that are hasty and full of typos. Honestly even if I take the time to think out a response it always turns out to be half-baked and full of typos 🫠
And the longer it takes to respond, the longer it will take to respond.. go figure.
Thank you for sharing your side!
Great video and I can relate to all of it! I do most of these, especially going for walks and being in nature. In addition to my ADHD med and coping mechanisms, I find that regular walks and runs really do a lot for me regarding relationships, such as processing things, wording messages, chatting on the phone, and largely my mood which affects it all. Thanks for posting great content, have a nice week! :)
Oh my god...
you put words to something that eats up my life to say but why I can't keep my friends....
and I'm blamed very often I always feel in debt in my relationships because I don't respond afterwards when I see them it's as if I had clocked in and I had credits, how do you do it?? thanks again❤🙌🏼
Seriously. Thank you so much for making this video. I have never-not once-ever heard anybody else get what I go through. It's literally like you're in my head-I broke down crying because it felt like such a relief to know that somebody else also goes through these exact same things. I've lost so many friendships because of this and I've never know how to express any of this to anyone. Thank you
Liebe Antonia, ich bin auf deinen Kanal gestoßen und ich kann dir gar nicht sagen, wie sehr mir deine Videos bis jetzt schon geholfen haben.
Ich verfolge viele ADHS-Kanäle aber dein Content ist wirklich fundiert.
Ich danke dir ganz herzlich für die Mühe und Arbeit, die du dir machst. Für mich und viele andere ist das von unschätzbarem Wert! 😊
More people should watch this ❤
Hello, I have a friend who probably is undiagnosed. They have told me they find it hard to reply back and when they get overwhelmed they self isolate. As a friend what things can I say to show them I understand and help them not feel bad. I want to support them and not say the wrong thing
Just text, call, or communicate with them in some way even when they may not be able to get back to you. It can a simple "Thinking of you.", "Hope you are doing well.", "Let's set up a time to talk.", or something light and funny like a meme or specific thing that happened to you.
The best thing I've noticed is people who message me frequently regardless of whether I responded to them last are the friends I am closest to.
@@whitleytaylor81 wow ur reply feels like a relief. i always wonder whether she gets annoyed by my messages or not.
Don't think I have ADHD but some of these definitely speak to me as I've lost friends due to something similar. Currently been learning about ADHD due to a new friend having it. Hopefully I can maintain this friend this time 😅
This is GOLD! Thank you for all of your videos 🙏. I have saved so many of them to a playlist so I can rewatch them when I need the refresher. Your way of teaching self compassion is so helpful, thank you.
So my friend with adhd has ghosted me for a year now. Probably unintentional but still. So yet again grieve the end of the friendship and then he’ll text at some point and think that his saying he’s sorry will make it all good. Maybe those of you with ADHD can relate. It’s not like I haven’t brought it up to him, but there doesn’t seem to be solution. So, the only thing I can come up with is so just ghost him back to end this. It’s just not worth it.
This is brilliant, thank you
😅 Awesome video 💯‼️ what do you recommend when it’s the friend or family member that doesn’t respond back to a message ? I like to send a simple message or a cute sticker every now and then just to say have a good day or week and sometimes they don’t respond back and it really gets my RSD going. Sometimes I ask friends or cousins if they want to hangout and I always try to make sure that the hangout day is set for a few days to a week later to make sure that they might not be busy and I still never hear back from them. So any advice on this situation or am I just not likeable. 😊
Call them. They are your family so never feel like you are unworthy of their love. And if they still don't respond, then it's a problem in their character for not reaching back out and other people in your family wouldn't blame you for being disappointed in unresponsive relatives.
Thank you, this is really helpful
Thnx for this video! I wonder how do u reply when it's been over and over again saying. But this time I'm better !*I hit a burnout partially due to this stuf and late diagnosis* especially with new people there's a girl I really like to hang with but she met me while I was starting my year towards my burn out . So weird arghhh sigh
Do you have any advice for being on the otherside of this? I have a friend with ADHD. When I don't hear from her I don't know when it is okay to send another message.
This was super helpful and encouraging! Sent out texts right away! :)
I have a hard time sending bday, congrats, or whatever the kind messages. I see them as a chore. What I've been doing now is writing anything I have to say in the way it comes to mind, then I'll have some AI to review it for politness, make it funny oe serious in any ways, and then I send it with some editing. It sounds like more work as I'm writing now, but it's quick actually. My greatest concern is sounding inauthentic because I hate doing it so much, so doing it this way helps with that... I don't have the same problem on face-to-face interactions, though
I was saying to one of my cousins who I hadn't seen in many years I'd come and visit him and his newborn baby. Then I forgot / got distracted and ghosted him for several years, oops!
i have my 22 year old auto-send a wave emoji to his grandmother once or twice a month.
I’ve just accepted that I’ll probably die alone 😂
Thank you your video really helps. Haven't heard from my best friend in months. Had a cPTSD meltdown when I heard she swinged by to town and meet two people and still haven't replied to any of my messages. ADHD not responding at all and me autism feeling like she's not responding because I'm not human enough for her and cPTSD from abuse from family and society just made me wanna die so I can't hurt anyone ever again. Really anxious whether I have hurt her unintentionally because of autism. Should kill myself to end the disease. The other video said to call the ADHD person. Well one of her ADHD symptom is taking a call that was not scheduled will overwhelm her.
Dude if you're feeling so bad about someone that you want to harm yourself please do yourself a favor and walk away from that person. No one and I don't care what their diagnosis is, or arrangement of letters they want to associate with their personality, should make you feel that horrible. I've had friends like that too. I had a friend of 35+ years I grew up with who would come back to town from time to time but I'd never hear about it or from her. We were close growing up, or so I thought. Anyway one time when she was in town we did catch up and have lunch together. We had a mutual friend growing up named Mike who was my best friend. He died in a car accident when I was 18. She always had a crush on Mike. Well while we were having lunch she told me for years and whenever she's in town she'll always go and visit Mikes grave. I think she thought I'd be impressed by that. As I thought about it I'm like "Jackie! I haven't seen you for 15 years. I'm still alive! It never occurred to you to reach out to me in all those years but you visit our dead friend faithfully?" I was actually deeply hurt by that and cut her out of my life completely afterward. She was someone I cared about. It was more important and meaningful for her to visit a dead boy than it was to spend her time visiting a living friend over all those years. It completely changed my perspective on friendships and who I should or should not be investing my time, energy, thoughts, care, or adoration on.
@@the777john Thank you, John.
What if its you doing all the work to maintain the friendship though
Yeah but what if you are doing all the work to maintain it and your friends dont make an effort
I’d say talk to them once or twice about it honestly and see what comes up. Don’t back off before trying to communicate if they are worth it to you.
Is ok is part of ADHD God help them. I’m tired and I tried
Using others to do your dirty work, 'cause you have RSD going doesn't sound like a healthy advice. There might be nuance to that, but it sounded a lot like triangulation, especially when on the other end people still think that they are having the conversation with you. Hope you find better ways for managing your shame. Having a disorder is not an excuse for crappy behaviour, and treating others this way. It sucks to face the fact that sometimes we behave as AHs, but it sucks even more to be on the receiving and of AH behaviour, and there's responsibility and reparation to do. People can't be expected to to the emotional work for you. When you are neglecting others without giving them a heads up, or some form of closure, or empathy and validation, and play the victim 'cause poor you you can't help being a jerk, or you are afraid of hurting someone, now that is effed up, and newsflash, you are hurting others much more like this. Wish you all the best on your journey!
I agree I am happy to be patient and understand my friend but they need to openly address and talk and not push me away and when I assume they don’t want to talk blame me for not being a good friend is not fair own up crappy behaviour don’t simply blame everything on adhd . It’s just not fair on non adhd friends who are trying to and putting effort to understand and being honest in their communication
when you're adhd and antisocial so you really don't care
I dont ghost people ever. Theres the otherside of adhd.
Too much messaging!
Im a guy so this is more true for us.
Women might be in a different position because anxiety of what to do or say would be more likely.
So not typical for men but typical for women. Imo
That’s my problem. If I respond, I won’t get anything done for the rest of the day. I was thinking of carving out a time to message everyone once per day and then turning off my phone for the rest of the day basically. I think it might work.
@Naescent is agree
I’m leave her. She’s just a lazy. Person. And. I’m done. With her.