Meaningful Casual Sex, One Night Stands: Their Emotions and Psychology
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- Опубликовано: 25 июл 2024
- Presentation to the 2nd International Webinar on Psychology and Psychiatry, March 2021
Casual sex is a continuum: from pornography, to cybersex and sexting, one night stands, to casual sex, like FWB (Friends with Benefits). The spectrum runs from the impersonal to the personal and from the merely visual to a total experience.
One night stand and casual sex satisfaction very low and participants insist that it is emotionless, meaningless/meant nothing, and the partner is a nobody. They compare it to masturbating with another’s body (autoerotic empathy through the other’s gaze, L. Rangelovska): animated sex doll or dildo.
But it is easy to prove that this is false: casual sex is anything but casual, it is narrative intended to resolve multiple dissonances triggered by the lack of subsequent bonding. It is a rupture of the typical sexual script even when both parties are fully aware and consensual.
(1) Intimate partners (who had experienced casual sex first hand) react with jealousy and breakup when their mates have one night stands: they consider it to be a significant deal breaker;
(2) Some of these encounters evolve into relationships. Had casual sex been totally emotionless and meaningless, this would have never happened;
(3) Participants report negative or positive emotions after the sex: shame, guilt, and anger (mostly among women or following substance abuse), satisfaction, pride, and elevated self-esteem (among men and also among women with personality disorders). This signifies that the sex was a meaningful experience that triggered an emotional cascade;
(4) Sex: initial info exchanged, hormonal cascade, long-term memories (hippocampus);
(5) Use of alcohol and drugs to alter the perceptions of the potential partner’s attractiveness, to enhance intimacy (via ritual), and disinhibit (overcome socialization) proves that casual sex is a momentous event that requires a massive effort and investment and an alteration of the personality and its scripts;
(6) Casual sex involves trust (physical and emotional), a sense of safety (hence beta preference), suspending defenses, and exposing vulnerabilities. These are some of the most profound and transformational emotional experiences (also common in love and in therapy);
Sex is a drive/urge, so opportunity driven: even unattractive partners with incompatible smells and offputting behavior (such as stinginess/being cheap, pushy, vulgar, aggressive) are game.
Casual sex is a part of mate selection: a test drive. Many attempt to convert it to some type of relationship (friends with benefits, or even a romantic one).
Intimacy in casual sex involves: attentiveness, kindness/succor, passion (irresistibility), directness/honesty, matching expectations, leadership, good time/fun, affection, compassion, comfort, non-judgmental/non-critical, equality.
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...
Alcohol's role in one night stands cannot be underestimated.
Cannot be overestimated.
Watch my videos on alcoholic blackouts.
Notice they call drugs and alcohol "mind altering substances " not mind enhancers 🧐
@@wolfrahmphosphoros5808 In some jurisdictions, not everywhere and it depends to what degree (if the party was unconscious or not).
Alcohol is an enabler, (and an excuse!) the intention is already there before that step. Being the one cheated upon, despite my trying to sort it out - it was a deal breaker and just the final nail in the coffin from someone I had trusted.
I did a search on meaningful sex and came across your video. I listen to the entire video and learned a lot from your overview of sex the meaning of sex relationships hookups and one night stands. Great video.
The framing from a non moralistic perspective is extremely helpful. Why is there such a pressure from society to normalise those acts to the point of shaming those who chose not to engage in them?
Excellent observations and delivery Dr. Vaknin! 😘
Very interesting, particularly the part about personal and societal inhibitions towards casual sex and the relationship between these inhibitions and western culture primarily (perhaps other cultures too, of which I am ignorant). As you read in the book, some fear that greater and more prolific involvement with casual sex may undermine the foundations of the committed relationship, the cornerstone of western (often Biblical-y inspired) society.
Thank you for so eloquently expanding my understanding of these ideas. I struggle to incorporate them into my own "semi well established" sense of self-identity, specifically because I perceive myself as someone too "well-valued" to engage in casual sex. As stated above, this most prominently results from a cultural viewpoint, however much I would like to call this idea my own. I take from this talk, the idea that casual sex may not be as bad or destructive a thing as I once thought, yet it still seems valueless to me beyond the animalistic gratification it provides. As you rightly stated, it is a defiant a rebellious act against what is considered to be acceptable by the ideas of society and is therefore destructive of that society. If people had a better control over their "ape brain" something like this might not be a problem. It certainly makes me think about the way in which we organize ourselves within a society and the rules we lay down for eachothers acceptable behavior and the potential differences in societal organization that might exist and yet still produce a functioning civilization.
Hopefully this understanding and these ideas will help aid me along my journey of navigating the ever-so complex world of human interactions...
I met this male once who smelled very unique. I had never really noticed male smell in that way ever before. It was magical. I would love to understand why that happened. His smell was exquisite. I wonder if other women noticed him like that too. I hope I smell another one like that some day.
Phéromones which tell you he was a perfect mate for reproduction
@@jamyv7826 then that's who my DNA matched up with?
My husband had the most attractive scent I’ve ever encountered. I was drawn to him instantly. He turned out to be a covert narcissist and my life has been a living hell for 14 years.
I would advise anyone who encounters such intense attraction (visual/olfactory) to run the other way without a second glance.
@@CCCat2022 I hear you. I can tell you that my husband, who doesn't smell wonderful and I wasn't intensely attracted like that, is a covert narcissist. I have lived in hell for 35 years. So, I get it.
I struggling with one thing , when im honest with some people they just don't wanna hear it if I tell them what I think anyways it ruin our relations if I keep it for myself I feel that I'm fake and it makes easy to manipulate them and get what I want . I rather have no relationships than be fake
You have integrity, and those people are not the right match for you (unless it’s because you need to learn diplomacy).
Great video, prof. Vaknin. And I was wondering why some one night stands were catastrophic, lol. Casual sex is full of emotions: (occasionally) negative emotions.
Not always. But, yes, they are full of emotions and intimacy and are, therefore, meaningful.
@@samvaknin , and it applies to texting/sexting as well?
Yes. All human actions are meaningful and involve emotions, period.
@@samvaknin , thank you for your answers.
@@Smokillo Of course it is.
This guy is so smart
This is exactly what i need right now.
Being the one who was cheated upon (analysis, not blame), the break-up happens not because the other valued someone else enough to sleep with - but rather, how little actually your value is/was in the equation.
I’d say they valued themselves higher. But yes, the cheated-on was not in their awareness
7:13 - The 2 facets of casual sex which have an 'affinity' with sex as a part of the narcissistic shared fantasy process.
9:40 - The meaninglessness narrative infers a bridging or resolution of dissonance
11:30 Devaluation as a vehicle for exiting the dissonance
44:08 "College students who regularly hook-up, tend to have less experience in dating and long-term romantic relationships. [...] Social psychologists fear that if the hook-up culture persists, the security of long-term romantic relationships will be at risk as hooking up does not develop the necessary relationship skills one needs in order to initiate, maintain, and be satisfied in committed relationships ." But what does that mean in a more broad sense? Would that (hookup culture) not just be who we become, who we are, as a society? The new norm, if you will, and long-term romantic relationships becoming a thing of the past, and maybe even taboo. Likewise, what about people who experience negative feelings after hookups, was it really damaging inherently, or damaging because of perspectives shaped by culture and society? I don't really get it. Do we have to look at attachment theory for the answer? Do humans need long-term committed relationships to be truly satisfied? Or is a society of hook-up culture one full of addicts who need a constant "hit"?
Ah I guess I inquired too soon, just finished the video. So it seems it is rooted back to attachment theory, the attachments start then are "ruptured" and the end result is actually negative. Rinse and repeat, I suppose. Find someone else to get you "high", have the sinking feeling, then do it all over again. It seems time would be better spent actually forming true, consistent, and stable intimacy (trust, communication, value, love) with a long-term partner
@@kwetsbarevrijheid2720 I don't understand what you're asking me or the path you're trying to lead me down with the question.
Hello Sam. Is it possible to get a complete transcript of this nuanced discussion of “not” casual sex? Please advise. Thank you Jeanne
Many of these texts are on my Instagram samvak.tripod.com/instagramvaknin.html
Did Tinder changes the 'game'?
No it just commericalized it 🧐
Casual sex's most outstanding behavioural role is to help identify others with correspondingly low innate love styles and the paralleling phenotypic lack of innate higher functioning moral and executive personality descriptors.
This is brilliant! and seems ground breaking.
Question--- Dr. Vaknin what is your opinion on the idea that a man's DNA permanently stays inside a woman's body after sex?
Rank nonsense.
I would assume all of this is also applicable to someone who claims they are “neuro divergent”?
You talked about intimacy and the exchange of bodily fluids...then a partner can just get up and walk away, could this loss of connection be tied to the loss of connection a small child could experience when the mother cuts short her connection.
So could people be wanting to re-experience the sense of intimacy they felt with their mothers all those years ago but has been long forgotten.
Watch the shared fantasy playlist. The Dual Mothership concept.
I am older (58) and have had committed relationships, marriage, etc. I no longer desire that. Friends with benefits, younger men, is of more interest to me. Your thoughts?
After huge personal investment in long term commitment and that not working...I also felt the desire to go casual.
One night stand all night long (a man+a woman) can be the love at the first sight, the passion or the exciting sexual adventure (but without alcohol, drugs, diseases, violence)
Dear Dr. Vakin thank you. Do you or anyone who is interested in this subject know of any postings, research, or anything about the effects of one night stands or casual sex on their soulmate when they get married. How does the spouse feel about it. And if he/she feels as miserable as I do even after 20 yrs of marriage a beautiful family, how can one really accept or let go. I keep the most painful pain in my heart and don’t know how to fix it. If you know of a way out please share.
Thank you
Vaknin.
@@samvaknin Hi, I see you replied and thank you for that. However, your reply is empty, has no text. I hope you’ll guide me. Thanks
Abandon the nonsense about soulmates. That's the first step.
If you feel courageous ,uninhibited and knowledgeable about what you are going to do such as a one night stand , you can release your mind and body and receive pleasure because all brain neurons and sensors will be activated . The thing is that very few are that brave as they deviate from the purpose of sheer satisfaction and other elements marr the action like regret or shame. Thank you for the enlightening view on this topic Professor Vaknin.
All in all , people who know what they want and feel comfortable in their own shoes may manifest their sexual drive and disposition without social disturbances. It you have the guts to do it !!!
It is impossible to "release your mind." Don't worry I get it though. I still romanticize the idea of casual sex too. It's just simply impossible for it to not be harmful in the long run.
Cyndi Johnson ,on the contrary , if you lack awareness of your acts you will perplex things by yourself.It is a matter of choice and since intercourse has been around for million of years ,you cannot contest the sex instincts which bring the two sexes together.I agree with Professor Vaknin"s conclusion that a tie is formed between two people and that I stated.
tf u mean casual sex is with friends neighbours and FAMILY. like what?
This makes casual sex sound quite appealing to me.
Lol