Toxic Sex: When "Love" Is Bad For You
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- Опубликовано: 21 июн 2021
- WHAT you do in sex is not important. WHY you do it - is. Sex for all the wrong reasons can be bad for your mental health and lead to or enhance preexisting depression, anxiety, and substance abuse.
What are the wrong, detrimental kinds of sex?
Sex intended to regulate affects (emotions), moods, self-esteem, or self-worth;
Sex in situations where meaningful informed consent is impossible (for example: extreme intoxication);
Sex as a form of self-harm, self-punishment, or self-trashing, especially when coupled with addictions and the use of disinhibiting substances;
Extreme self-objectification (for example: group sex with strangers without an intimate partner or friend present);
Reckless, risky sexual practices and encounters;
Non-autonomous sex intended to make the sex partners like you, accept you, or “love” you;
Sex with people you dislike or are not attracted to out of a sense of duty, gratitude, or because they provide you with benefits (e.g., free drinks, or a place to crash for the night).
Participants in such sex often claim to have wanted the sex and to have acted in an agentic and empowered manner. These protestations are counterfactual and intended to resolve the cognitive dissonances, shame, guilt, and traumas that inevitably arise out of wrong sex.
The denials, reframings, and reduced affect display are all variants of defensive emotional numbing and inappropriate affect.
They mask debilitating dissonances, inner conflicts, and traumas. Left to fester, they generate depression and anxiety and lead to substance abuse as a form of self-soothing (though, of course, the abuse of alcohol and drugs has many other functions and cater to multiple psychological needs).
The psychosexuality of such people fluctuates between psychopathic, objectifying individual or group sex (cold, mechanical, exhibitionistic, emotionless, even anonymous) and people pleasing instrumental sex (intended to render potential partners addicted to the sex and to make them “like” or “love” the provider of the sexual services).
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This should be taught in school. Most of us have toxic sex and toxic relationships and don't even realize it, we consider it normal. We forgot what normal is. Sam, I can't thank you enough for this video
“We forgot what normal is.”
Nailed it, should be thought in school. As a psychology student, I was 1 month ago with my psychology class at a barbeque party. In the evening and full night, people became drunk and at this video the shocking fact at 7:00 , I was instantly thinking of my other psychology students that often use alcohol in the party and the dangers of this. I don’t blame them for their behaviors as it is maybe a (temporarily) coping mechanism from their childhood and being in their early 20’s, but I feel alienated then, even in this developmental group, when this happens. So I stopped participating in this night and went to bed. Because it is wrong. I hope others can feel this in their experiencies and make the good choice.
Sex is always meaningful. But the emotional connection to sex has been dulled and twisted; as a child molestation victim (sex is to serve, pacify and receive love from dominant partners without concern for my needs or boundaries), through learned misogyny (a woman's value is in her sex), through porn (sex is performative). I'm still in therapy for this. The first time I felt emotionally bonded through sex it was shocking. I literally couldn't fully comprehend. But that also saved me, because it was such a lightbulb moment, I've lost all interest in exploiting my body for conditional love or to satisfy an itch (like, wondering if I am attractive, and using sexual affirmation from others as the answer). I haven't had sex in more than a year now. I only want to have sex with a safe, loving partner, where the meaningfulness of sex is secured. If he's a freak as well, that's a bonus.
What kind of therapist you find to do that kind of work? I only hear sex positive talk from therapist
All that you said about sex as a child molestation victim resounded with me....ahhhhhh, I thought I was normal! Sex is really painful with my super awesome husband and I still "power through" because.....well because I love him and I want to make him happy and keep him satisfied. It isn't exactly what you said but there are tinges even so far away from my abuse that I am pretty sure I have been OVER for at least 15 years. Anyway, probably is incoherent but thanks for writing this!
Such wisdom, thanks!
The bigger problem is our egos do not know how to cope with all the trauma and abuse. What is left for the ego to do? If we express our pain, we are victims and narcissistic. If we try to take power back by claiming the names used against us to hurt us, we’re psychotic.
Women still want to love and nurture. We still want what men never wanted. Society is sick and has set us up for this. the platonic relationship and traditional family was never the reality in the first place.
This guy wanted me to get tied up and be submissive. It kind of scared me to be tied up by a guy I never slept with and hardly knew. He got angry because I told him I needed allot of trust. I felt he was manipulative. I became to depressed after breaking it off. I had to do allot of spiritual baths and light self love candles. I realized I was going to do it to get love. I was not into it. We had an argument and we broke up because he said it's too much energy. I dodged a bullet.
This must be taught in all high schools around the world. Sam is the most courageous person I have listened to.
50 shades fallout
I would add two more types of toxic sex: when you seek validation you didn't receive as a child and the sex for "spiritual evolution" in tantric communities, when usually women are manipulated by some spiritual gurus to evolve through sacred sex, connect with the divine or empower their chakras
@@BabyGirl-ow6zk You don't have to believe anything, especially such manipulations. Nobody can predict the future. What I believe is that we can get ill because some bad energies enter our system, like the one of that guru, or because of fear. So don't be affraid. Meditate and know your true nature, which is divine, and don't forget to see a doctor periodically, to make sure everything is ok
Bottom line, if he was trying to have sex with you, he wasn’t trying to help you. Not a guru, but a predator.
Teenagers should hear this at school
Wow, very interesting, because this happened to me for 10+ years and SEVERELY effected my mental health, been trying to heal for years! I think he was a true narcisistic.
I was raised by a narcissistic single mother. And currently am in Therepy.
I’ve used sex to regulate my emotions. It is an addiction. I’ve also used it to seek validation. How does one go about in “fixing” this?
Because I’ve spoke to my therapist about this, and he hasn’t said this is toxic. So there has been no talk about fixing it.
how about masturbation to regulate mood and emotions? is that healthier than sex
So now, how can we reverse this? Majority of women are objectifying themselves because they don't have the intelligence or the ressources to stop this vicious circle. I have the feeling that this is going to create multiple depressions, diseases etc. I hardly see a solution for humanity at this point. What can we do?
Omg… I’ve been having toxic sex my whole life and i didn't realize it!
Thank you. This was both fascinating and terrifying. My ex narc hoovered me and I bit. Loneliness and struggling self-esteem made me an easy target for bad choices.
He’s a sadistic guy. He always set the bar of desired sex pretty far into the misogynist side. He introduced me to a new thing (to me), or orgasm denial, or “edging.” This is where one gives control of their orgasm to a dominant man, usually. It sounds so appealing to stay in a constant state of arousal all of the time after you’ve entered the high level of denial. The idea is to lose yourself totally to become a “f###toy” for the man. There’s a HUGE society of people of both sexes in those practice. The men are what I would consider abusive, in that they desire humiliation and pain from their toy. The toy is to remain brainless- just 3 holes to be used at any and all times. I noticed the women posted things like, “I’m a worthless c***, and then pictures of self-harm and suicide hotline numbers, which causes me to think it’s not something they want, but rather a desire to feel- anything. But it’s easiest to feel sexual with a man, rather than truly loved IF you were in an abusive narcissistic atmosphere.
Many women note sexual abuse and loving reenacting it. The men push for dissociation because it’s a way to have zero connection or respect for the woman. There are hypnosis tapes to turn yourself into a mindless bimbo. It’s the sickest thing I’ve ever witnessed.
In your opinion, is this practice abusive, or do I just have “hang-ups?” I’m pretty sure I’m not psychopathic as I’ve never engaged in sex in such a manner. I thought I was doing research to understand how sick he was and it worked for a long time. But then he told me to call him Daddy. I regressed into that little girl who was absolutely desperate for my dad’s love. I also had a lot of abuse from other men as a child and teenager. Because if my thoughts of sex needing to feel objectifying, I am a great target for these types of men. So…I’ve not had a relationship in almost a decade and I’m terrified of trying. And yes, I’m in therapy to work through this crap, but it’s very difficult and I struggle keeping myself level. I have a bi-polar II diagnosis. How do we act out? Money, sex, or anger. I never know if I’m actually seeing things clearly, although I do when I’m under control with meds.
The psyche is so tough to navigate. I appreciate your knowledge and sharing. Thank you~
Wow, I was in a relationship like this with my NPD ex. I have BPD and in hindsight was a perfect target for this kind of sexual “free use” relationship as he called it. It was very sick and disturbing. He would force me to reenact my past sexual assaults with him while he humiliated me. Like you, since I left the relationship to heal I have not been able to be with another man. You are not alone and I hope you are healing and send you hugs.
Thank you for providing this gem! Please make a video on polyamory.
What a valuable video. Hope that everyone who needs it will find it in a right time
Thank you. I agree that this should be taught in school
I have had to teach myself to hate the sex with my narc ex Bc I’m actually physically dependent on it. The withdrawal symptoms are deep depression and anger. I am trying to stay away from him as much as possible. Unfortunately we have a child. He had me for three years as his faithful sexual partner. I finally decided to stop because it effects me mentally and emotionally when he decides to withhold. Now I don’t even want to have sex anymore unless with a future trusted faithful monogamous loyal partner. But the withdrawal symptoms are still there…. And dealing with that is so hard.
It will go away, I was addicted to my childs father's sex(also who I believe to be a narcissist too). What made it go away was thinking how gross it is (him sleeping around then coming to me, yuck). I also worked on truly seeing my value and pull it up. I hope things get easier for you soon.
He is attached to the kids?
Now THIS is Sex Education for 6th grade and up.
Great video about the sad state of sexuality and relationships.
This has been a bit like shadow work for me.
I've never resonated so much with these articulate explanations. I've only ever had a psychiatrist...so to have your advice is like gold. Thankyou Sam.
Great video! Thank you 👏
"The records that have survived the ages aren’t always an accurate picture of what life was like thousands of years ago-generally these are narratives dominated by men writing about men - powerful women are plentiful in history. These women weren’t content to be the handmaids of men but lived life on their own terms." - Marriage requires a good partnership.
Very insightful!
Hello Prof please can you do a video about how to detoxify a toxic relationship?
Thanks, profesor.
Great video thanks
Yes I found this out already this has been a big issue for me because the other party’s didn’t want but one night stands
Great video
Do addicts always stay addicts and only change from one type of addiction to another?
Alternate between addictions. The addictive personality is for life.
That explains a lot...
@@postmoderneramember8444 Do children born into environments that lack connection and self love even stand a chance?
Do parents need to be screened and educated before having children?
Addiction is a pattern. I know it might sounds strange, but in real meditation, you become a conscious observer of that pattern and cease to feed it. This, together with shadow-work or inner-child work might have a different outcome. The problem with addicts is that they are addicted to pain, to suffering - so the question is: Who am I without my pain? It's a matter of identity
In real meditation, people realize that who they are is much deeper than their personality.. The witness-consciousness is more real and one can use it to literally witness anything that appear in the field of consciousness
I identify as a cis het woman, & Loathe the behavior or most men & women, including myself. I attempt to embrace sensuality as a form of self love primarily to maintain some form of sanity hoping I will find conditional love here & there. Most modern Society is not geared around monogamous relationships anymore, in my opinion. Sad state of affairs.
Oh sh🤬t, 4 all the wrong reasons 🙈
Go say that to the Marilyn Manson accusers :-P
*marilyn manson survivors
@@adelinediallo7775 you wish...
@@iursetrof you sound very mature. have a nice day