When You Are Their Sex Prop: Exhibitionism, Autoeroticism, Masochism
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- Опубликовано: 16 апр 2021
- Autoeroticism (regarding oneself as one’s sex object) often goes hand in hand with exhibitionism (becoming sexually aroused by another’s objectifying gaze). The more numerous the observers, the more intense the sexual excitatory state.
That is why the autoerotic - mainly narcissists and psychopaths - gravitate to group sex with total strangers even in early adolescence.
The autoerotic objectify not only themselves but also the partner, whose body they use as a sex toy, to masturbate with.
Thus, the partner’s identity is utterly incidental: he or she could be anonymous strangers encountered only minutes or a few hours before the act.
Casual sex is the autoerotic’s staple: in his committed relationships, s/he is typically sexless.
Sex with the autoerotic is an eerie sensation: disembodied, mechanical, non-reciprocated, infantile, and lonely as the autoerotic partners focus exclusively on their bodies and on their self-gratification.
The intimate partners of the autoerotic invariably develop sex aversion to them. The autoerotic’s solipsistic self-focus, defiance, and oblivion to the partner is also a narcissistic injury and triggers aggression in narcissists and psychopaths.
Paradoxically, precisely because the partner is a mere generic, undifferentiated prop, as long as they are sexually catered to within the relationship, the autoerotic rarely cheat on their mates. At any rate, they are actually making love to themselves.
If s/he is masochistic, the autoerotic’s on the fly sex involves extreme self-trashing: sex with unwanted, little-known, or inappropriate partners in degrading circumstances or environments. Less commonly, cheating serve or even celibacy the same purpose of self-despoiling (“I am a bad, unworthy object”).
The self-trashing autoerotic abuses substances with the aim of disinhibiting herself and numbing herself to her socially unacceptable conduct and possible unconscious ego dystony.
Narcissists and psychopaths are an imitative “surface” only: there is no depth, just an empty schizoid core where a person should have been. They are carbon-based simulations.
As Hervey Cleckley noted already in 1942, these mutants prefer sexual self-trashing to normal sex and to mainstream trashing (BDSM).
Sexual SELF-trashing is defiant and reckless: it is assertive and involves self-efficacious agency, even when it is ego dystonic. By contradistinction, sexual trashing by OTHERS is an entirely submissive, even self-annihilating role which involves total objectification and ritualized helplessness.
Self-trashers and subs are easily mistaken for each other. Narcissists and psychopaths can never enjoy being the bottom masochistic sub: they need to control and to defy. They self-trash to gratify their masochism.
Narcissists and psychopaths view the world, sex included, as a zero sum game.
When they regard themselves as inferior or superior to a potential sex partner, they gravitate impulsively towards self-trashing casual sex.
When the possible mate is perceived as an equal peer, they decline to have a one night stand and instead insist on grooming, lovebombing, and an ensuing shared fantasy.
As narcissism and antisocial traits and behaviors become more normative and widespread, sexual self-trashing is rendered a common practice at least in the forms of “meaningless and emotionless sex” and flagrant serial cheating.
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Perfectly described once again Sam. The entirety of that impersonal experience is indeed a very lonely feeling during "intimacy" which was so obviously choreographed. The act that represents the ultimate union was the epitome of disconnect over and over again. It felt disorienting.
I know it's pretty randomly asking but does anyone know of a good website to watch new series online ?
@Malcolm Cruz Flixportal =)
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@Malcolm Cruz Glad I could help :)
This makes perfect sense.
My ex, if I were in the mood would say go and take care of yourself.
She didn't understand that this is not satisfying, because she thought of sex as masturbation with a person as a sex prop.
I have never been able to have feeling-less/meaningless sex. Sex is an expression of love, for me.
I've never been able to understand sex dolls. And living breathing sex dolls are no different.
I am celibate because I don’t want to be a sex object. I prefer not to engage in it anymore as if I’m not in love with my partner I have no excitement, so I choose to refrain. Not because I trash myself it’s because I simply don’t want to commingle my energy with someone who is just out for lust and desire
thank you! This has som much relieved me from jealousy toward the new object ...... I spent a couple months figuring out @how could he move on without closure?", "how could he be with her?" - all this ah s really helped me drop the veil of invisibility ..... Thank you! "Glorified masturbation" it is!
Dear Sam, I am celibate for a few years( i consider it celibacy even though i may have had one or two sexual episodes a year) but i am sure I am not trashing but saving myself this way! It is hard to find a decent man who will not make me feel horrible after this "no promises" sex. So I decided it is healthier for me to stay celibate. Because the more I have sex the more I wantvl it, and it happens always that attachment to a wrong guy can eventually form. Most celibacy cases is a very very hard choice. People wouldn't have gone this way, if they had a partner who they could trust. So I refuse to think that I am thrashing myself this way. One more thing, even if I decide to go sexual with someone's, this man would expect me to do all sorts of sexual porn feats on him, even though I hardly know him yet - and the fact that I clear my boundaries makes them pursue a different woman next time. The one who will be more satisfying him. He will choose the self trashing woman who loves to degrade herself. So.... How to have sex in thos world? Just - how?
Watch the contemporary sexuality playlist.
Wonderful lecture as always. Can a borderline alternate between self trashing sexual activities during a season and then at other times persue sub-dom type activities?
How does Voyeurism/voyeurists play in to this topic - what are they about? I secretly suspect that there is a kind of 'secret pact' between exhibitionists and voyeurists?
You say that sex in degrading circumstances may be sending yourself a message "I am doing so despicable things because I want it and it turns me on, I'm in control" etc. But I also see a sadistic tinge to it if this is an act of cheating. It's like telling to yourself "I'm doing it in such horrendous circumstances, my partner would be in much pain and would get a huge blow to their self esteem if only they knew". It is not necessary for them to know, the thrill comes from your ideation of their 'knowing'.
Very interesting lecture again!
Yes, true: "I will devalue the thing you hold most dear and cherish, your 'property'"
@@samvakninYes, and at the same time the whole peculiar triangle is an autoerotic exercise, in which you're interacting between Yourself A, Yourself B and Yourself C.
Yourself A is the avatar-director of the whole act whose real self can't be there because it's non-existent. Yourself B is the dildo, the here-and-now replaceable skin of a human being (a grain of rice or a bus on the busy line schedule, to use your metaphors). Yourself C is the partner who is physically absent from the scene but as a matter of fact very much present and necessary as a mental object you can interact with. This whole thing is not happening in the real world but in a mental matrix occupied by holograms. And you don't connect to holograms - you summon them and use them for entertainment. Nobody needs to know what is going on. Whereas in BDSM it seems that those who partake, know more or less what role they're in.
@@Anna-nr3sh ruclips.net/video/c63VKv6byXY/видео.html
@@Anna-nr3sh It applies in other settings. Sexually self-trashing teenagers, To paraphrase you: ""I'm doing it in such horrendous circumstances, my parents would be in much pain and would get a huge blow to their self esteem if only they knew". It is not necessary for them to know, the thrill comes from your ideation of their 'knowing'.
I have a curiosity about self-trashing: In what category does excessive masturbation to the thought of others fall in? When looking for potential mates but masturbating to the fantasy of having sex with those people, with no regard to who they are. I'm sure it fits somewhere in this description, but I can't point out where. Basically it's a form of refusing sex, but still clinging to some sick fantasies.
I'd be curious to hear you talk about this topic of masturbation and self-induced sexual fantasies.
Fantasies are never sick. Actions can be if they are non-consensual or harmful.
Interesting. Acting out according to your fantasies, even if they're completely fine, without communicating them to your partner counts as sick. Noticed this, when it felt fake, robotic, even theatrical. Something seemed off..
Rings a bell now. Thank you for the clarification
What explains the arousal of a narcissist who likes to cross dress as a woman? My own interpretation of this would be that he needs to incorporate the counterpart's sex/looks/etc traits into himself to (again) distance from the other person, being himself enough to feel loved, needed and aroused. Plus, he believes he embodies his idolized idea of his partner. Any input on this, Professor? Thank you so much! Your YT channel is simply amazing.
PS: why does he feels this need to cross dress in any case? Not sure about the psychological explanation for this. And I'd like to clarify that I'm not talking about cross dressing as a pathology nor similar, just the narc person arousal (keeping it as two separate things)
Why isn't it healing of insecurity by mirroring. Sometimes when you grew up with lies you need to prove to yourself that you are desirable by challenging insecurity?
The Narcissist generally is incapable of self healing as they don't tend to have a sense of "self". They were never allowed to heal in their youth in a healthy manner and thus created a new identity that was capable of being stronger than their aversions. Mirroring only serves as an option for the narcissist to speak to their false self when their partner is in love with that version. Its only when the partner appeals to deeper senses of emotions (emotions that the true self has vs the false self) that they snap and devalue as nobody is supposed to see or get to the true self.
The partner usually challenges the insecurity by trying to get the narcissist to "open up" to their desires, but the desires the narcissist has are elementary and childlike at times and or emotionally undeveloped, which can bring shame to the true and false self (sexually repressed children tend to have this carry over). The Narcissist can only gain self confidence via a partner and usually mirrors a partner's interest when it suits them. Power comes when the partner in their love for the narcissist becomes submissive to the Narcissistic desires. Its almost like a parent catering to a child's needs. When the parent says "no" they act out.
how about the self trashing aspect of bpd. addiction to self sabotaging behaviours
This video is about SEXUAL self-trashing (a behavior typical of BPDs only when they switch to secondary psychopathy).
Does this exist on a spectrum? Where does normal sexual curiosity and arousal slip over the midline into narcissism?
When you self-trash.
@@samvaknin thank you. Very helpful to know.
You are basically describing the modern day Instagram, tiktok woman and onlyfans model. I think in your generation there were less borderlines and psychopathic men/women but with generation y, z and onwards we grew up in a world of social media, greater dopamine addiction prone, single motherhood, etc that has rendered the modern man or woman inherently narcissistic or on a spectrum of the cluster b personality disorders histrionic and borderline (secondary psychopath) the borderline is pretty much every single girl in the western and modernized world to greater and lessor degrees or a borderline that has not been awakened yet hence the propensity for it in our culture is always there because of the nurture aspect. Not to mention toxicity, drama and borderline histrionic behaviors is now incentivized and encouraged by women and not punished or shamed anymore. So we will see a greater crowd of borderlines than in the past. most women born in Generation Y,Z and onwards latently are borderline in my experience or have the tendency to be. Almost every single girl on social media showcases what you call ‘exhibitionism, autoeroticism and masochism’ to varying degrees. The toxicity and virally inducing narcissistic nature of social media, tiktok and Instagram even infects the elderly making them act like generation z and y. in your day respectfully not many women were borderline it was a anomaly and a spectacle to behold however in my day the modern women because of the innovation of social media apps, the globalization of sexual access, and single motherhood (fatherless homes, childhood abuse, trauma, abandonment) breeds and nurtures women (as well as men) to be narcissists and psychopaths. this is why your content is so relevant as it describes most of our experiences.
Is refusal to kiss and cuddle a symptom of auto arousal?
Wow! my ex told me he had sex with his exwife at a party on the first date. I was shocked, so not even close to my values. He told me after rehab he had sex with another man AND his ex girlfriend. Again, appalled. Too late, married,, he'd adopted my kids. Had I known all of this, I would NEVER have married him. His choice of porn, which was excessive, gang bang. What happened to him in his childhood, I can't imagine. Been apart since May. I had very little sexual contact withI him. All sex was intimacy free, sex doll and I withdrew. My god....exact. I'm assuming when I was home, he went into my closet and read my journals. I complained about the sex, bad. Major narcissistic injury. He changed at that point and I didn't know why until months later.
I thought she was a awesome friend. I fell in love with her. Almost as soon as we got together she became someone else. she accused me of being a narcissist totally fucked with my head. FML
Perhaps this explains while the ex narc always wanted to have sex during the day or with the lights on. She never wanted to hit the lights and have sex at night before bed. She was constantly thinking and talking about our "great" sex. The eye contact, long stares and intense intimacy wasn't there. Love making was not a possibility for her.
There is a common opinion among “psychologists” that exhibitionists (men who jump out of nowhere in the parks and start masturbating in front of women) are not dangerous. So if it goes from narcissism or psychopathy actually makes them dangerous.
Does self trashing always reflect narcassism? Is it possible to have the sexual dissanonce for other reasons and not be on the high spectrum of narcassism?
Borderlines and psychopaths self-trash as do victims of childhood sexual abuse.
@@samvakninis it only with sexual abuse in childhood or can it be related to any abuse in childhood?
It’s not intimacy, it’s antimacy
Cool
I thought my ex was on the autistic spectrum but after watching this I’m confused again … are there any similarities … I’m trying to find answers
I’m on the spectrum and while I can force myself to make some eye contact when socializing, I absolutely can’t stand it during sex. I think there is a correlation, if that helps at all.
Interessting, so that means that those persons wich have that disorder, they never could have a normal relationship, with a fullfilled sex live.
please discuss narcissist male sexual masochists/bottoms/subs/degradees
Search the narcissist’s sexuality playlist.
Could you please make another RUclips channel geared for narcissist? An introduction of what it is and how to help become more self awarenesses? Done in a very subtle way that isn't in your face. From what little information I have on this topic I believe that you could be somewhat of an role model to certain types narcissist. I have noticed with my husband he has been trying to understand why he keeps hitting certain road blocks in his career that keeps him in circles unable to obtain the image that he wants and has in his head. His strong desire for success & financially supporting his family I believe is strong enough to entertain the idea of becoming aware of CERTAIN issue. Possible stabilizing his life a little more. I have noticed that he has spent most of his life trying to understand why certain things happen. His narcissism has caused a great handicap in his finances. I think you have the credibility that is required for people such as this to entertain the idea & listen. I noticed that his personality is very close to yourself and I think you might be someone relatable to certain people who possessed such narcissistic quality. I'm not sure if such a thing is possible for my insight is limited on this topic. My intuitions however are very strongly leaning toward the possibility of creating more of a open society on this topic and personality disorder. It seems everywhere I look online society has looked down on these types of people. If they were to type narcissist in Google search they would immediately get triggered and turned off to the idea. I've been able to get my husband open to wanting to understand more just by showing him one interview you did but now he really wants to try to understand and is asking for more explanation. I'm in no place to provide this information and he is taking to Google which I believe will have a negative effect. He is basically saying I am asking you for your opinion now which means don't give it otherwise. I'm learning that he must be in a certain place in his mind and life for this to occur. It's rare. I believe that most of the information has been put out by people who have been abused and geared towards being abused. That narcissist in general have caused incredible amounts of pain in people's lives. The information is not set up for helping people manage their lives with this on the side of the narcissist. If the platform was opened more about this and society accepted openly that this is a personality disorder instead of the center focus being on how horrible these people are then the conversation could be open to speak in a way of helping manage & maintain their lives better. The fact is that these people exist in society and lives are being effected. It''s not realistic for society to delete them. They are going to be living in our communities, possible be DRs, lawyers, parents, so on. Again I have no idea what I am speaking of is even realistic it's just a thought that occurred.