Muddle: Intimacy, Emotions, Attachment Style, Sex
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- Опубликовано: 5 ноя 2022
- Intimacy is a state of affairs, not a state of mind. It has nothing to do with emotions.
This is why people can and do have sex (the ultimate intimacy) with total strangers.
Intimacy means sleeping together, talking, eating, making love. All these do not require any affect.
There is intimacy in prison, with a prostitute, in a hospital between patient and doctor, in psychotherapy. All these are emotionless states
.
Intimacy in the clinical sense is a state of affairs involving proximity, vulnerability, and joint activities (life).
No strong emotions here.
Mate selection and attachment style are two separate things.
For relationships to work, attachment styles need to match.
Impaired mate selection (choosing the wrong partners and then going on to have horrible relationships) is the core problem. It is typically the outcome of bad parental programming.
In our most modern approach to attachment, we divide all attachment styles to secure and insecure (avoidant).
Even someone with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style would be avoiding relationships and intimacy or destroying them because of anxieties and doubts.
My contribution is to suggest the additions of a flat attachment style.
Everyone has an attachment style. But some people have "flat attachment": they are incapable of any kind of bonding or relatedness at all.
Flat attachers regard other people as utterly interchangeable, replaceable, and dispensable objects or functions.
When a relationship is over, people go through a period of "latency": mourning the defunct bond and processing the grief and withdrawal symptoms associated with a breakup.
Not so the flat attacher: he or she transition instantaneously, smoothly, abruptly, and seamlessly from one (in)significant other to the next "target" and fully substitutes a newly found beau, lover, mate, or "intimate" partner for the discarded one whose usefulness has expired for whatever reason.
Many narcissists and almost all psychopaths are flat attachers.
Borderlines, on the other hand, tend to sexualize attachment (sex is proof of attachment and assuages abandonment anxiety).
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Prof Vaknin thank for reading out my reflections I wrote on your previous video. Glad you enjoyed it. I am a trained dancer diagnosed with BPD and normally tell stories via the body through my creative outlet “Dancing Along the Borderline” but find writing as beautiful and expressive as movement. It was wonderful to hear you read it out. 🙏
Very nicely expressed Lynn.
Thank you.
I did not want this vignette to end. A gem like all your other talks. Thank you!
All power to Lyn and such a description of the threads of attachment..thanks Sam love listening to you ! your honesty soothes my battered soul.
I love his videos! I love that he read that wonderful piece! The intellect behind Prof. Vaknin's assertions is profound.
Indeed!
Iam your fan. And listing to your speech is what I do when Iam free . It’s so deep. Informative
Excellent. This is the kind of material I'm searching for. Would love to hear more like this. Thank you.
Professor Vaknin, thank you.
Prof Vaknin I am a dismissive avoidant. What attachment style would best suit me or am I doomed to die alone? Do you have any lectures on this? Thank you for another great talk.
Much appreciated
The one I was with called sex intimacy but it was anything but. Robotic, the first time, he asked me if I wanted to know what his record of giving orgasms was, would count while we were doing it and when touching me, would sit back and observe my body reactions or look almost up into me and examine like a gynaecologist. He didn’t like being given pleasure, and seemed very uncomfortable with that. Took a long time to orgasm. Does this sound about right Dr Vaknin? Cerebral Narc indicators along with all of the other red flags? (too many to list here).
Madam was he a porn addict?
@@southlondon86 Well initially he denied ever watching porn as it “objectified women” and “you are a lady and should be treated as such” but towards the end he showed me a dark web porn link he was downloading, sent a lot of unsolicited d-k pics, as well as close ups of pre- fluid on the top and of him masturbating, and a video of a young ladies nipples in a tank top, so I deduced yes. He was very highly intelligent and liked to present himself as a quiet, well spoken academic with a high brow sense of humour in the beginning, but at the end acted like a pervy teenage boy. Why do you ask? 🙂
@@AremAsha It is certainly a narc indicator
I would to make a nark forgive me and be addicted to me. I know it’s possible because a narc is a little boy. And as a woman I hold the keys to the candy store. In my experience a narc is easy to manipulate, but its hard to make them forgive and forget.
Who is Lynn Shaw and where did you find her quote? Thank you for sharing it with us today. Definitely brilliant.
I’ve searched for her, but can’t find this anywhere…
In the comments section of my penultimate video.
@@samvaknin thank you Sam!
Hi there Roxanne. Glad you enjoyed it. Did you find it on the other video?
Hi Lynn!! Yes!!👏I did find your remarkable commentary on the video from 11/4/22, “Why Won’t They Change? Insight and Personal Transformation”…
Please keep writing!!🥰
Prof. Vaknin! Can you dedicate a video lecture to the process of devaluation that occurs when a narcissist parent is mortified by a son/ daughter and describe in detail the pain parents and child experience from, shame , betrayal, disappoint and sadistic abuse the follows also, is there’s any chance for the off spring to make it back into the idealized good graces as before.
What is xoxanim or who is xoxanim?
I think it's a term of endearment like... My Dears