Casual Sex Q&A: The Fake Intimacy of Bodies
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- Опубликовано: 6 сен 2024
- Promiscuity: Psychology of Self-Soothing with Sex (oh, and Relationships) • Promiscuity: Psycholog...
Women look for FIVE qualities in men for a long-term relationship: 1. Good Judgment; 2. Intelligence; 3. Faithfulness; 4. Affectionate behavior; 5. Financial responsibility and wherewithal.
Women look for TEN qualities in a male partner for casual sex or a sexual affair: 1. Nice body (but not too muscular); 2. Has money and not stingy; 3. Kindness; 4. Interested in them (finds them interesting); 5. Sexually desires the woman and shows it with flirting or small touches - but not aggressively; 6. Protective (but not possessive or jealous); 7. Attentive (puts the woman and her needs at the center of attention, doesn't overshadow her, compete with her, or ignore her); 8. Has a sense of humor; 9. Loves life and finds people interesting: knows to have a good, adventurous time, fun, and quick to socialize; 10. Easy going, not brooding, or overly serious and nerdy, not too intelligent or scholarly "boring"
Men seem to place a premium on these FIVE qualities in a woman for all purposes: 1. Physical attractiveness and sexual availability; 2. Good-naturedness; 3. Faithfulness; 4. Protective Affectionateness; 5. Dependability.
Dr. Vaknin, it’s quite refreshing to see your humorous side, even if it’s for a brief moment.
Fake Intamacy= Real Selfishness
This lecture very insightful yet makes me so sad. As I am a single person and I have encountered all of this (from men and women).
I guess you'll stay single then?
"Restoring our relationship with death, sometimes it is the only way' a Very beautiful way to end this dark picture you have created, enjoyed this and found many truths which I have felt but not been able to articulate, not being able to verbalise or even think clearly about these things when you can feel them is very fustrating, your gift of articulation is serving me and im sure many in these time, I am grateful for this Sam!
Its actually inspiring
Doctor Vaknin, that is a very big glass of wine.
It is a very long pandemic!
@@samvaknin Good answer!
What are you implying?He is half piss?
@@samvaknin lol😁
Dr. Vaknin, I came across your videos about a month ago and I can't tell you how refreshing it is listening to you. Your intelligence and insights are truly needed in a time like this. Thank you so much for doing these videos and giving us hope to build upon.
I love your videos, but I have to admit, it's PAINFUL, seeing my own bad behaviors in the context of a narcissism epidemic. Thank you for the precise and invaluable info, nonetheless. :)
This is so helpful Sam thankyou. I felt an actual physical resonance and healing after your video on promiscuity. I appreciate your experience and perspective.
Men and women have different realities regarding sex as with everything else, although the lines grow more blurry every day. Hormones can cause bonds where you might never want one.
I believe hormones are just a vehicle for whatever confused or damaged idea really drives the events.
I enjoyed this expose; but what a sad conclusion [but probably very accurate as far as I can see ] for the person who has burnt all his bridges and cares about no one or nothing ...........😢
Intimacy, casual sex and cheating carnage are amplified when a narc is involved. Also explained why some individuals self-medicate before, and others after, a sexual encounter. Additionally, you confirmed what I suspected with 20 and 30 somethings. Thanks, P. Sam
Wonderful lecture! I am an attractive, independent and successful woman and I haven’t dated much in the last 10 yrs after being deeply scarred by a NPD. I have a hard time with uncertainty in a new relationship and often I find when I do meet someone, I end up drinking a lot to kill my anxiety. I recently signed up on a dating site as the pandemic is removing the whole physical barrier - I feel safe doing virtual dates and have conversationally connected with a few mates. Hopeful I will make a mental connection that will lessen to continue with a physical connection. Of course drinking wine too!
I hate to admit it, but so much of this resonated with myself.
I still think you are the best Sam!! 💗💗💗💋
I highly appreciate this content. Thank you. :)
Can you make a video for the people that are still old-fashioned? With some tips how to survive celibacy? Maybe go deeper into why feminine energy is beautiful and it's actually an act of trust and appreciation towards the man by acting submissive? So it has a quality of devotion to it and is making the man we allow in actually special (I mean is this not already enough? Why have hundreds of women to feel like you are a valuable man, if you can just have one that makes you feel so? Isn't it special if a woman shows her sluttish facets, because she honors all the efforts a man has done to demonstrate how special she is for him, so she wants to show how special he is for her too and give back? How can this have lost it's meaning?) And how can I understand the good side of male energy, when it's not aggressive, controlling and disrespectful towards women as in the past?? Because I mean we can't go back. Women today have the mindset of equality in there heads and I wouldn't want this to change and live in a world where a man makes every single decision for a woman. I mean we are not dumb and we are our own person. We don't need a man to think or talk for us or handle every problem that we have. We are not needy. But sure to be needy once and and again would be nice as today it's mostly not possible, because needy apparently means too much work and commitment for a man or a weak character, a woman that a man can treat as shitty as he wants after having done some favors to her. (I am maybe exaggerating here). Or expect sex in return. Can't men be gentle just for the sake of honoring the existence and softness of women? Without any hidden motives?
You know, I am not a fan of strict gender roles, where a man always has to be the leading force and the woman the follower. I think it's ok if the roles are switching at certain times and if women portray aggressiveness and men portray sensitivity. There must be room for that in the personality of a person as every single being has a feminine and masculine side to them. But of course I value the old-fashioned dynamic as I believe it to be in natural resonance with our biological programs. So how could that dynamic healthily look like in modern days?
You know, I think the problem in todays society is the lack of a balance in terms of energy. We live in a world where everything that is yang is glorified and almost everything that is yin is seen as something bad. You can't show weakness, you are not allowed to be open about your deepest emotions and needs and to show vulnerability. There is no compassion for your unique situation. You are supposed to "man up" even as a woman and just accept everything as it comes without wasting valuable time with expressing genuine emotions like sadness and giving yourself time to heal.. You can not even openly compliment someone genuinely as it will come off as strange or used against you in a way to make fun of you or lead ppl to feel skeptical about your intentions as such behaviors are not familiar anymore. You can't take your time deciding what it is what you want or don't want.. allow yourself the time and just flow with the process until the right "thing" unfolds for you. You're supposed to know what you want and have plans, be active and pursue your goals. Be active in social media and demonstrate the world that you're a success and out there doing something with your life. You need to be interesting, have a lot of skills and have an exciting life. You can't be just human anymore and be content with the small things, the things that actually matter in life and that you carry deeply in your heart with, because not being active in all this social nonsense that is modern today and not having achieved something big just makes you look like a loser. There is no appreciation for you, your life or respect if so.....
Everything has to be fast, immediately available (the same with love = immediate spark) and impressive, loud, out there.
We should have more love and appreciation for the yin qualities in life. And that's the big failure in the feminism movement. We have achieved that masculine attributes (except for aggressiveness) is valued and accepted about women, but we haven't achieved (which is one of the most important in my eyes) to be valued and accepted for the natural gender qualities we women and man) possess. I feel like if the world would honor them more and make room for them, the world could be healed from this narcissistic and ignorant approaches people possess today. Because they are necessary to truly connect. Without femininity there is no real and intimate connection, because we must be patient to go with the ebb and flow of a relationship and we need to be trusting to leave out the games. We need empathy and compassion to allow vulnerability and authenticity to be, without fearing a separation. That is what makes the bond strong, deep and special. Personal. We must honor stillness to self-reflective and look deeply into ourselves and our motives so we don't end up using or hurting each other.
...
I have been a very sweet, soft and caring young girl, raised in Germany and I don't want to portray this country as misogynistic, but it taught me to just suppress what is feminine in myself. Me mentioning my intuitiveness always brought laughter and belittling words from men. It hurt.
Me wearing something nice (not even skin showy or sexy as some of today's fashion) would make me receive attention I felt uncomfortable with as it were (way older) men looking at me with that disgusting sexual look. I can remember to have received these kind of stare even as an 11 years old girl. That was kinda traumatizing.
It hurts to only be seen (being almost limited) for the the way I look, making it the most important for men anyway in choosing a mate. Don't we women have nothing more important to offer? Is this really an evolutionary thing or is this the result of a history of hundreds of years of industry? Wasn't it more important for man in cave times if a woman was nurturing, supportive and prudent?
The need of a woman to compete against the men is a mere symbol of the hurt we felt of not being valued for our natural inner qualities.
So feminism was an attempt to receive the recognition and appreciation we craved from men. But women lost there way and we got it twisted, losing and destroying femininity bit by bit. That's a real tragedy and I can't even put in words how sad this makes me.
But maybe it has to be this way to finally give praise that all the feminine qualities that were not appreciated by men in the past.
Question is will there be enough women to live femininity? What does it even completely look like?
Maybe middle eastern women can teach us?? Maybe the natural ways of femininity are long gone as masculinity's is after patriarchy?
How much has our genes changes by gradualism with thousands of years of patriarchy? Can we even imagine the ancient gender roles?
I don't know. I am just confused and sad I need to hide my natural sensuality to not get disgusting looks and disrespectful comments and advances by dumb man that only look for sex. Or live a loveless life, because there are almost every man is just lost in counting how many women he has already conquered.
Even though I can relate to the self-intimacy type of people, I would not say that I am choosing this entirely because fearing intimacy in itself, but just because it's so hard to even find men that are trustworthy and interested in a real long term relationship, willing to the work to get to really know me as a person and make me feel special and not like an object and a walking vagina that he will throw away as soon as he had it. I tried casual sex and I dissociated from my body I couldn't feel anything and were like watching myself lying there and I never want to feel such thing again. findrelationship without being controlling or something. :)
I think from experience that the guys who were psychopaths and just used me sexually in my 20s hurt so bad that I turned into one myself to stop getting hurt by the way that they could be intimate w me then discard me like trash. Now I’m older and have yet to find a man who isn’t trying to just have casual seggs. So I’m being celibate until I meet one who truly likes me and respects me. Unicorn 🦄 might exist 😂
I’m glad you eventually learnt but just a warning to the ladies. You cannot hurt a man by doing exactly what he does and giving him exactly what he wants. Most do not care if you sleep with them and then ‘discard’ them. They actually prefer it that way. 😂 The only way it hurts them is if they had to invest a lot of time, money or emotional investment into the woman without her caring at all. THATS IT. This is why they cannot stand Instagram chicks, only fan girls, goldiggers or women in the adult industry. It’s Because those women understand that game. If as a lady, you are going to sleep around at least make them work for it. Don’t just give it up for free. 😂😴
Profound thanks to you, Professor Vaknin.
I asked the same thing Dr. Why do it if they hold no value and or it meant nothing (they even downgrade, literally). Why? Their response would be either I was bored, it's transactional, different, no emotional attachment, and because I can. Then why risk the relationship with your long-term intimate partner. Their response: Silence...followed by a sigh. I have dated nothing but narcissists, psychopaths, or sociopaths. I can't seem to get it right with a healthy loving kind man. 😒
@37 min-Ahhh; The Real meaning behind ‘I-Cloud!’... ;)
Thanks Sam🐛🦋
Thanks Sam, it is exactly what I observed over the years as well in my life (this explains it and help to increase awareness enabling change) - things changed unfortunately right these ways and it took me time to understand and experience. Unfortunately I would say, or is this not unfortunately?I would say it is no problem as long this is what men and women overall want but as you said, the pandemic showed that this has wast risks and cannot be what we want for humanity (how we treat each other, no one wants this) - the soceity gets departed...
great video my guy ,u deserve more views ;)
Muito bom! Admiro tua postura, mesmo sabendo do teu transtorno usa isso de forma benéfica a todos! 🥰🥰🥰🥰👏👏👏👏
Ele tem transtorno?
I believe your theory 100% doctor.
fascinating research
I had a platonic infatuation with a young woman who turned out to be promiscuous. And a bad liar. So I get a guilty pleasure out of watching this playlist. I feel a tiny bit wronged, pity her a tiny bit and feel that I should just forget and move on. It's been four years already.
THANK U Sam
Ure THE BEST!!!
I HELPED ME ALOT 😉
I've been diagnosed with (among other things) c-ptsd, bpd, and npd, social anxiety, schizoaffective disorder, and autism spectrum disorder. Between all of these (and for those whose etiology is rooted in trauma, the circumstances which precipitated them) accessing authentic, healthy intimacy has been almost prohibitively difficult. Perhaps unsurprisingly, some of my closest folk are other cluster-bs, other autistics, other schizospecs, other people with c-ptsd. We were mutually drawn without identifying the underlying commonalities, or we met in contexts where our diagnoses were already known, and we were not compelled to fully mask.
Intimacy and social relation have frequently been terrifying or repulsive to me. The recipe for someone who inspires in me a desire to connect rather than contempt or fear (not such a clear trichotomy, but this is the simplified version) is someone intelligent, competent, and either compassionate or disempathetic enough to provide structure (to counter my having grown up with inconsistent, unstable boundaries and environment) similar enough to myself for our cognition and mannerisms to be mutually intelligible without undue effort, and conscientiousness - whatever their pathology or inclinations, I care about the continuous decision not to harm me (to build reassurance against the conditioned sense that everyone will harm me). I have been fortunate enough to have an exceptional therapist and psychiatrist for the past few years, as well as (mostly) good partners. Achieving authentic, sustainable, buildable intimacy has been something like a treasure, as much a result of difficult internal progress as external factors. I have learned that however passionate the borderline/narcissistic obsession, and however dismissive or ambivalent my attachments in general, lasting, healthy relationships are built on dedication, and within them even very damaged, traumatized, symptomatic people can attend our archaic wounds (that's the first time I've allowed a Freudianism to "penetrate" my speech since my first psychology course) adaptively, rather than by continually seeking out, reenacting, and projecting amidst additional traumatic relationships.
I would suggest that there is indeed a great deal of authentic intimacy to be built not only in gender-typed and monogamous relationships, but in gender-variant and/or non-monogamous ones as well, not least because I have found it reliably true for myself and those few with whom I am close. I would even suggest some of these can be adaptive to specific needs. For instance, I do not mind sharing - in fact thrive on compersion - but I do fear replacement; as such polyamorous disposition is vastly preferred in a partner, because this increases the likelihood 1) of my partner having their needs most fully met and 2) of their choosing to add another partner should they find someone they like (or should I be the newcomer), rather than choosing between us. More generally, having more than one partner (whether more or less intimate than the first) can help resolve relationship tension by fulfilling unmet romantic or sexual needs for any party. More fundamental than these, however - when I feel attraction and attachment to someone, I can make the choice to develop a healthy, intimate relationship from that beginning, and this is possible whether they are my only intimate partner or not. Exclusivity may be historically typical in some cultures, but there is no set rule to say that intimacy requires it. (I'm also inclined to think predisposition to poly- or monamory is an axis of orientation, similar to sexual or romantic orientation, but I have little evidence for that beyond personal experience and anecdotal information.)
At the end of the day perhaps I could choose to keep a stable of persons - and I have in the past - but that is always a shortcut, a bandaid cure to a deficit of intimacy. It's the long and difficult work of healing wounds (including occasionally allowing someone else in to help) that produces the most rewarding results (and incidentally, also produces its own narc supply, if I choose to place ego value in things like self-improvement and relationship health. When those become skills, mastering them becomes egoproductive, and long-term increases stable self-worth). I've finally been able to build my first securely-attached relationship, ever, and that is a profound experience; it's also been instrumental in the first legs of c-ptsd recovery... that and a veritable bucket of medication, which I owe thanks to my partner for helping me remember to take.
Dear Shiny,
Very well articulated and keep up the hard work you've put into creating intimacy. Kudos
So..... what you’re saying is relationships are screwed in the future? 😅
Pretty much
After listening to this, being someone drinking alcohol on very rare occasions, i decided i need a very biiiig glass of wine. Le chaim 🍷😉
Haha haha. Love the intro.
I like the information and enjoy the channel but the whole sex is meaningless and is becoming something you dont do in relationships is exactly why men do not want relationships lol. Ive only ever had dirty sex with long term partners. One night stands were just quickie type deals so i dont agree but to each their own. But men who are willing to do relationships without consistent sex regularly or even worse no sex is something i just cant understand theres no point.
I agree. Sexless marriages are a sign of something wrong.
Is it the Madonna whore complex ? They probably into corn 🌽 or escorts etc
It’s seriously overrated. 😂😴
i dont know sam vaknin who is the narsissist in my reslarhinship, if its him or me, but right now we are so happy together, i gues thats all that maters
Dear Mr. Vaknin... well I am so pleased to find you! ... I live on Vancouver Island B . C. Canada ....I find the most frightening thing about this is how terrified people are as they hear over and over and over how dangerous this covid bug is....according to any statistic I can find ... Canada loses 3500 people each year to theflu...Yet the covid numbers here are so low in comparison that I just cant figure out the hysteria ...Canada insisted on social distancing fairly early and B.C. fell into lineimmediately as we are just above Washington state that had early cases and deaths in a nursing home ...Fromthat I guessed that Christmas season and holiday travel had brought it to the pacific northwest ....on February 12 both my 14 and 16 year old grandchildren had a unusual cold/flu starting as a flu and quickly morphing into a heavy chestcold ... yet they wernt really sick and coughed and just felt unusually tired for xabout a week ....ten days later Ihad the same bug but amplfied by about 20 times ...! Couldnt walk downstairs for 3 days and felt rather dreamy with the fever and very deep sleep and never had such chest congestion... anyhow Im sure we have had the covid bug and we are still doing our part as community members..and social distancing, home schooling and only shopping when we absolutely have to ....but if indeed the bug came over Christmas it would be be nearly over its run now or in May ...so what if its not social distancing thats helping but the natural decline of the bugs potency? Canada is handing out much neededmoney to any that have need God bless them ....but theeconomiccosts are huge and now that weknow that the death rate is so low we should have a second look at policy ...yesterday took the car for athirty minute drive to charge the battery and was offended to read last night that that act was frowned upon ...we should stay home and distance .....enough time for a second look at the facts not the hype, however well intended .....thanks
The death total in Canada is 5,302 as of today May 14 and we are just getting to the middle of the year.
Cheers my Brother !! Youre on point
How is my fu*k buddy and I resisting an emotional connection.. we were together weekly 4 months straight
He called it off.. said I was getting my feelings too involved
2 months later he is back and the sexual chemistry the same.. QUESTION can 2 people just have amazing sexual chemistry and really have no feelings for each other?
When he disappeared was he calling or texting y?
The good thing is that it will be over soon, if we continue on this path. ^^
Better for the planet anyway. : D
Interesting. I'm so delighted to be a woman on top 😁
What
Listen to what he says
Where
How do we change?
Who is the Royal We?
Dr. Varkin. Do you take skype 'patients'? Is it possible to have a consultation with you on skype?
You would have to ask Varkin. I am Vaknin: www.narcissistic-abuse.com/ctcounsel.html
@@samvaknin 🤣🤣
Excelent
I have casual sex for its own sake. But as an AI Android model, my programming is still too limited to experience emotional attachment.
ones I drunk und dann I cannot have sex, it was harder, it's to hard too me such a itimacy with somebody I don't know... I distroyed potential longterm relationship cous of that - I wasn't ready for sex after few weeks. what's wrong with me :(
Professor Vaknin, can a Narcissist and psychopath has hypersexuality disorder?
Somatic narcissists and many psychopaths, yes. Sex addiction.
Sam Vaknin do they withhold sex to their primary source ( wife )?
Search this channel before you waste my time.
Sam Vaknin Thank you Professor
Liver break! 😂
Dr. Varkin, do you mean to say homoeroticism is a necessarily bad thing to be avoided by any means possible?
AMEN TO THAT!!!
and now they know they can make $ by becoming Escorts or SBs and get their supply and "intimacy"
Exactly.
LOL, Dr. Sam...Good idea...Please enjoy that. Yes, I thank you for shedding so much truth on such a tender topic and is a charged area of feels and perception....very personal to me...and speaking for myself....casual sex is not for me. Complete strangers. I don't get it. It is a sharing of affection... too up close and personal...invasive...that I cannot fake or take lightly...aka...casually. It makes it meaningless! TYSM! I am a fuddy-duddy, I guess. In *my* time...the prostitutes handled that...the rest had relationships. Where is the middle ground, Dr. Sam? But, you answered all that. This is much more complicated than many of us were ever prepared for. In my past...not at all. Thank YOU! Ummm? Come hither? LOLOL. Honestly, I think we have reached the end of relationships and the institution of marriage.
Facing my death is impossible because I don't have time to heal as he lives like a Mr.BIG Shot. He got away with murder yet there poor bastards who destroyed me like I was nothing... Its criminal
38:48 histrionic women.. ex and wannabe be lovers spider webbed wrapped...until they are needed. His descriptions ...smh 🤩😂🤣🤣
So at the end of the lecture, you started to talk about the Homebound Homeless as you call them, those mentally ill people that have been traumatized by abuse from their former partner such that they behave as a domiciled homeless person. They are 'doomed' and we should accept that death is sometimes the only option for them. Did I understand that correctly?
I have no idea what you are on about. I sure hope you do.
@@samvaknin Sorry - I'll try to clarify. At @1:15:00, you start to talk about the "homebound homeless." You mention that they age and die alone, wasted, exhausted, etc. Then you say we need to restore the good relationship we had with death, and that "sometimes it's the only solution." I enjoyed the lecture; I was just confused by this last thought. Are you saying that death is sometimes the only option for them as basically they are doomed/incurable? Just made me curious. Thanks for the lecture. It taught me a lot.
4.3 (women) 6 (male) one night stands per year or in a lifetime???
RV Lee that’s what I was about to say for a woman 😂
Think it's ratio
4.3:6
For every 6 one night stands a man has
A woman has 4.5
22:05 me and my brother refer to this as the "real niggah tax", basically a man with far better relationship and long term potential is treated and taken far more seriously even though he may not want to be
This is depressing, how does one deal and accept this new norm?
Sam I would venture to say that since you said (Freud) said men and women are taking on similar behaviors there could definitely also be histrionic men who do the same to women. 40:00 So in 2020 basically a mutated almost "genderless" species seeking, sharing, needing and destroying for their own selfishly pathetic reasons
??? The entire video is about UNIgender - ONE gender!
Dear God please give me wine for breakfast . 🙏
Pessah samehah
I freely admit to having casual sex for no other reason than to have fun. But I am European :-)
Yikes. There are women getting paid to do the same thing. Why give it away freely? As a celibate woman, I will never understand this line of thinking. What is so ‘fun’ about it?
It is much fun to make a woman very orgasmic. Making all her body sing with passion..almost like a musical instrument. It's also an art..
western freedom😂😂thanks afgan great nation