This is absolutely the best video about borderlines Ive ever found. My wife of 10 years is borderline and if id watched this once a week for the last 10 years my relationship wouldnt be failing.
I've ruined so many friendships and relationships with people I care about. I don't want to hurt anyone or make a fool of myself. It makes so much sense now. I have vivid memories of violent fights between my parents where one of them would always leave and at such a young age I was and still are traumatized that I'd never see one of them again. Now I'm always traumatized to lose anyone in my life, I hate what and how I've acted to other's. I want to be accountable and better. These videos taught me a lot about myself, I'm grateful I've found your work. Thank you. Just FYI I'm a 25 year old male.
7 months with a borderline. Both the best and most traumatic relationship of my life. In the beginning she was a princess, in the end a psychopath. The mismatch between words and actions was mindbuggeling. If treated bad, she would be clingy and do anything for love. Give her love and she will attack you. Dont even try! I was so confused in the end. Why would you go thru fire for someone who is unable to connect with you on a deep level? Its like keeping a false fantasy alive.
It is mind blowing: the more good things you do for them the worse they treat you. They resent that they can’t give to you. They know deep down inside they don’t deserve you. So most codependents stay with them it’s their familiar childhood that they try and fix through the borderline. Any normal person would move on at first red flag. Watch it they are dangerous people.
@@sheriwatson1426 @Sheri Watson This is an ignorant, and extremely bigoted, comment on multiple levels. I could cite a number of studies on BPD recovery, many of these academic papers have been made openly available to the general public and are easily accessible by google search. At minimum, I suggest listening to Vaknin's RUclips video titled "Borderline's Miracle Healing" as Sam excels at handholding his audience through the material. Here's a notable excerpt: "But, actually, the prognosis for Borderline Personality Disorder is not bad at all, as we will see. By age 45, a sizable portion of patients with Borderline Personality Disorder, will have healed spontaneously and miraculously. We will not be able to diagnose the disorder in these people anymore, and the other half respond very well to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). So if you put the two together, theoretically, we can heal or cure something like 90% of Borderline patients." Beyond this point, it is ridiculous to categorize 2% of the population as a threat based on your personal experience. It completely disregards the obvious fact that, like all mental and physical health issues, there is an incredibly wide range of affliction. Not all BPD patients present equally, especially as Borderlines age and/or commit to work of wellness via therapy. Lastly, your patronizing response to another's attempt to actually understand BPD is quite telling. The desire to understand the human experience of others is the root of compassion and empathy.
@@ohreally1997 It's telling that one word got you all in a tizzy. So based on your info, stay away from bpd peeps until they are over 45 years old. A good amount of them have forms of narcissism and psychopathy. However, maybe mild bpd is cured by your time frames and style of psychological counseling.
Was nearly 10 yrs for me including 2 children I love. Absolutely HORRIFYING rollercoaster of “hell on earth”! Lying, 1/2 truths, horrifically false accusations, claimed abandonment, snooping, infidelity, back & forth, years of counseling for me (none for her)! Took me 2-3 yrs to find “borderline” to figure things out & I will never recover from her insanity, deception & maliciousness
@@ohreally1997 Wow my borderline was 54 and not anywhere close to being healed. Drank like a fish too. No time to put up with this for me. Call me bigoted. This woman would have destroyed my life. I am in therapy after only 41 days exposure.
The best I've ever heard it described. "She wants to hurt you not in order to hurt you but for you to have a shared experience of her pain..." hurt with me heal with me so we can bond together. It explains so many of my romantic relationships I realize now. Thankyou so much for sharing these insightful videos!
I suffered from BPD for half my live. But change is possible! Very hard work, the right tools and ppl, and a lot of time. And when healing starts taking place, curse becomes a blessing.
Yes! I watch videos, I’m aware of the pain i can cause involuntary and I’m aware of the thoughts I have about myself or my partner are quite delusional. I’m not insecure, if I know I am loved if my partner is kind and trustworthy and I don’t feel someone defines who I am. I don’t cheat because I love my partner deeply, and if I’m betrayed it hurts so deeply. I have my DBT workbook and see a psychiatrist and therapist and take medication. Being aware of thoughts what is real and not is key. I wish you all who suffer from bpd to heal.
I think they should re-do all the Disney movies but switch out the romantic characters with borderlines, narcissists, anti-social disorder types, and maybe throw in a few schizoids and autistic persons. Then these kids might be more ready for the dysfunctional reality of adult romance. Surrender Dorothy.
well, that's all well and good but kids these days see enough of that crap especially if they have single moms which is almost half of kids these days. they need realistic healthy models compared and contrasted against realistic unhealthy ones. The last thing we need is for this plan to backfire and little Sophie is imitating her favorite histrionic attractive princess in the Kroger's ok?
I was expecting this video to be about "hitting back" and escaping borderline people. I wasn't expecting it to be how to love and support them for exactly what they are. It's very enduring and humane and made me sympathetic to everyone involved in a borderline relationship. Like you said, it's a pure love.
I am a borderline female. When i was young, very young, batween the ages of 2 and up until i stopped giving the strong desperate reaction my mother wanted, my mom would play dead. She'd be gone. My mom kept dying from the age of 2 until i stopped reacting. I stopped reacting at around 8/9 years old. She enjoyed the sound of my desperate aggrieved cries when i thought shed left me. Another tactic was the silent treatment. Now as a child, when given the silent treatment by your mother, it feels like you've been deleted. You dont exist. This being a malignant narcissistic mother means there were many insults, gaslighting, verbal abuse of all sorts. All those words and emotions rang loud and heard deep in my little ears during the silent treatment. Somehow i felt enslaved, oppressed, unwanted, a defected child. I felt rejected. With came the feelings of unworthiness and shame. Now the deepest and most overwhelming emotion i felt hard and strong from the age of 7 was excruciating emotional PAIN. At 18, shame created a void of a deep EMPTINESS.
I am so sorry for the pain you've experienced in your life. I've never heard of a parent playing dead to their child, that's mind-boggling and plain horrifying. People are often cruel in the way they speak of people suffering from BPD, because of the ways they've been hurt by them. I hope you don't feel ashamed by the diagnosis, knowing how you've been set up by your mother to have these problems. I pray that you learn self-love to the point that you no longer have the fear of being unwanted or unworthy. I pray that you find peace and the past mistreatment will no longer sting when you remember it. I hope that you find people who will treat you gently.
I'm so very sorry you experienced such unimaginable horror. You deserved NONE of this trauma. The earth knows your terror and honors your bravery. God bless you and be well.
Thank you so much for sharing. Went through the same thing. Can’t get the idea out of my head that she must have heard my crying myself to sleep and she didn’t come to suit me. Still working on myself and healing my inner child, grieving I didn’t have a mom at all. Wishing you lots of strength and love ❤️
Living with a borderline is like being hurled into a rollercoaster seat without a moment's warning, and it can happen over and over again without warning. It's exhausting at the least, and crazy-making at its worst. The craziest part is that the borderline acts so normal in between episodes.
You got in the seat and didn't buckle in, thinking it was a tunnel of love for an easy boat ride, and then you find out it's the lightning loop, twister ride or something like that 😂
I am a Borderline and I just wanted to say just listening to you calms me instantly (even the accent calms me, lol). I don't know why, but it does. Maybe because you have BPD pegged so perfectly, so many do not understand. How nice. Sweet relief. I go to your channel and randomly pick a video, and I immediately feel comforted. No one, not my family, not my husband, not friends,. Iterally no one has shown any curiosity, care or concern for what I am experiencing, so I suffer in silence. No insurance and I am homeless at the moment so I can't see my psychologist. I feel like I have seen him listening to you. You get it. Keep explaining us, we are paying attention. 👍
Admittedly being with a borderline is a lot of hard work, since you are pretty much responsible for her emotional regulation and sense of self. And in a way the intimate partner can help the borderline become themselves and their own person, but only if the borderline is aware enough to accept this task and responsibility. However, it can be very rewarding and an extremely enriching relationship if both parties put the hard work in. Borderlines didn’t choose to be like this. It seems even worse if they act infantile but you have to be patient…
@@ChornaRealEstate if people dont understand you its because they dont want to understand. Its the same thing with yourself as well. Everyone is just trying to get revenge on others for what someone else did to them. Remember that you can get better for yourself and for others.
But, trust is a big issue when they lie and went hot/cold cycles. When they grow distant, I can't be sure if they are cyber-romancing. Because it seems like what they do in my case.
It's hard to deal with a person you know is sick when they push/pull and cheat. I tried everything to help my wife. In the end I got discarded. I know she will try to get back with me, but the trauma she has done is too much.
Wonderful comment. Problem is most are not aware or refuse to acknowledge this or seek help. I have been in a relationship with one who has teh quiet form for nearly 20 years. For 18 years i put up with this. Was a caretaker and probably codependent. But then it got too much and I found myself and boy have things been volatile since. I had to in order to retain my sense of self and self esteem. I was about to lose this. Not sure we’ll survive TBH. So very sad.
Me and my current girlfriend boderline were on the road in the Atacama desert and then she asked me to stop the car, I did, so she turned up the car stereo and turned the headlights on full volume, she climbed on the hood of my car and took off clothes while dancing. borderlines do these crazy things they drive men crazy in every way : love hate fury they make men awaken in them a sense of protection they are angelic, eternal young they are a devil sometimes. they are free but if they feel they have been rejected or feel envy they destabilize their own emotions but it doesn't last long. they will addict you! I think they are the best women of course I also have a certain narcissism too
Seems like a parent/child relationship being relived in a healthy teaching manner. The borderline is the child and the non-borderline the parent re-teaching the child what they missed because of childhood trauma.
So much work! You have to be a Saint and a therapist at the same time to endure this. Send them to a real professional and tell them to come back in 10 years
Prof. Sam Viknin is a self-professed narcissist. He says that quite a lot. He is very amazing at his research and expressing it well. But Borderlines and Narcissists are often drawn to each other. they are brother and sister personality disorders. So they counter each other's hollowness and sociopathy. The narcissist can control and the BPD actually becomes the caretaker. But it's a shared delusion and it all comes crumbling down as this reality dawns on them. There was a documentary of Vaknin being a narcissist. In one interview he is with his wife. They ask him if he feels love for his wife (a BPD). He said he has a certain affection for her, like one might have for a pet. 🤨 US non-personality disordered people whom the BPD might cling to recognize and feel all the horror of the reality of being caged in the disturbing BPD's grip. The narcissist simply doesn't care what the BPD does because they switch into the delusion of being better than everyone, and simply don't care about the BPD person or what they think, they simply enjoy the constant drama that distracts them from the empty chasm where we healthy folk have feelings. The BPD finds refuge from their own lack of identity, as the delusion of the narc never falters. and that it is at least an identity to fill their empty chasm. that sucks for both of them, but that's about as much as they deserve in this world. . This is why he talks of being able to control the BPD with much glee. He's aware this is a meaningless life of delusion though, but doesn't mention it in his videos. He is after all a narc. . Just empty people with pets and false identities.
adil chaudhry You should try to open your eyes and get closer to the screen then... because it seems like you don't have a clue about how lving with bpd affects the person who suffers fom it
@@adilchaudhry3272 super ignorant comment, do you not want people to heal? BPD is just a type of psychological wound that is deep and causes bad effects in an individual.
Incredible work, Mr Vaknin. The descriptions of borderline character, are subtle and comprehensive. I can feel your emotion at the end of the video. And it shows your love, for borderline women, that I share with you.
@@samvakninThanks. Correction made. I had a marvelous relation with a borderline woman, exactly as you describe. In the end, she was unstable, and when she noticed I was going to discover it, she decided to cheat, and walk away. Everything you said is real, even for women on the other side of the globe.
I got goosebumps at one point when you were describing "Mirroring" the borderline's extreme behaviour. Before I even had a hunch of my girlfriend being "BPD" (neither I nor she had ever heard about it), I used to employ some of the techniques you're describing to calm down her tantrums. At one time, she was threatening to cut herself, and in order to "wake her up", I very cold-bloodedly took a fork and started scraping my arm with it; she snapped out of it immediately. It was not a particularly fun experience. Other times I would mirror the calculated verbal abuse she'd throw at me until her psychotic alter ego burned out and she snapped back into her regular self and say "what am I doing". I've literally endured dozens if not hundreds of these situations... Sadly, no amount of efforts, strategies and dispositions were enough to stabilize our relationship enough to be viable long-term; I've literally developed some serious triggers and anxieties myself to the point where being together is becoming intolerable. Only now she's beginning to acknowledge my suggestions to look into the BPD diagnosis and seek some adequate help, since 18 years in psychoanalitic therapy, although useful in many ways, has not brought her even an inch towards actual proper adult behaviour and fulfillment in life.
I'm speechless. . . . Over the course of the last 50 minutes: Sam just completely described every aspect of a two year relationship I was immersed in with a flight attendant.
Given that occupation it really makes sense. Being able to do anything has to fit in a specific window and if that can't be met I can imagine the fits thrown. It's such a destabilizing job, I really can't imagine it being a good fit for a bpd
I thought you knew to avoid flight attendants to begin with.😊 I’ve been involved with several FAs myself but was lucky enough to get out of it unscathed. Hooked up with a non-crewmember though which is what brings me to the doctors work. Best of luck to you.
Thank you Prof. Vaknin for another great video. The devaluation stage is an incredibly hard thing to deal with when you know the person inflicting the damage actually loves you behind it all. That alone made me leave for good. It's a very dangerous situation to be in
I feel horrible about the things I told my boyfriend and said about him. Were recovering after a rough several years due to me not knowing I was a Borderline and my actions from my mental state... Its hard trying to get him to understand that even though I was talking crap and this and that, If you look past the face value you can see the hurt and frustration because I love him and at the time felt I was being rejected and denied. It sucks...its been difficult...
I completely understand what you are saying and have witnessed it from the other side(I am not perfect by any stretch btw!!!). Ultimately the instability and sometimes violent nature of an otherwise amazing relationship, just like Sam describes, forced me to leave. And it broke 2 hearts in the process.
I also used to massage her forehead when she started getting emotional. It didn't solve anything in the long run but it did calm her down a lot on the moment.
I have learned more from you in three days of watching your videos than I have listening to so called gurus for the past 2 yrs. Thank you sir!! You are Brillaint.!! I also think you are a legend for surviving around borderline women for 35 yrs!!
If you truly know about BPDs, you'll know that it comes in 3 tiers. 1st tier, which is usually in youth, is the most imbalanced. Volatile is the best word to describe it. 2nd phase is usually the era where they start seeking help. They're usually on their 2nd marriage, shattered career or their umpteenth job. Many crisis have been experienced by this point. Family are on eggshells. 3rd phase is usually entered by midlife and a handful of years of therapy en tow. And maybe spontaneous healing happens (massive consequential thinking or more grounded lifestyle changes happens, such as raising a child or pursuing a passion or using a talent). However, like SV has stated, the behaviors many times stay. Its exhausting. Family relationships barely get fixed and the emptiness never truly goes away. Also, by this point - in 3rd tier - a support system is in place, family and others are aware and a diagnosis is in place, etc. But SV is correct- communication is Key.
I’m here missing my BPD ex and still remembering all the horrible things they did. I hope I can snap out of this and move on. It’s disorienting as if you were in two relationships.
You never know by the second how things change. One minute you are turning in for bed exhausted after walking on eggshells, then if you are not 100% mentally present for a sincere "good night" or you are not attentative for 1 second, there is screaming and raging and you are begging for her to forgive you.
I tried, mostly unsuccessfully, to keep my bpd mom stable, or at least undead, as a child and young adult. When I saw her dumping on my children, I tried to hold her accountable and set boundaries. Of course that made me the devil. My family is my full time job, not her. if she decides to die, I'll just adhere to the advice she repeatedly gave me as a child and, "be okay." 🤷♀️
Thank you Sam and all commenters. I will have to watch this several times, make notes, and do all this for myself as I have removed myself from every one except one person in my life. I am 69 years along and have suffered myself and everyone in my lifetime, diagnosed from teenager. The isolation is sometimes stifling but also gives me insight and direction to what to work on next. I am seeking professional help and running up against the obstacles of misdiagnosis like OCD, ADHD, and refuse to take their meds. DBT and CBT seems hard to get through to diagnosticians that don't understand. So I am deduced to self help books on these at the moment. Also Richard Grannon exercises for CPTSD, and bouts of daily journaling. I'm not consistent in any or all of these, thus the search for a therapist to represent some consistency. Your lectures and seminars are priceless and provide not only amazing understanding, but a bar set for what I am to expect in therapist attributes. I bring your introject with me to these sessions.
I am of similar age. There was next to no mental health support in rural America when we grew up plus the stigma and shame was off the charts! We could never foreseen the phenomena of RUclips as a resource for healing those early wounds. I like the homeostasis I've built living on my own. I applaud you still seeking therapy to find healing. It's never too late to live your best life!❤️
I'm a borderline that's becoming a reiki practicioner and when the treatment broke the illusion I was living in, I've became disabled with PMDD and have cried for a year now on and off. Lost my ability to feel music. He is right in saying if we face who we are we wouldn't survive because i feel like im dying literally. Body is breaking down. It's not because of facing who I am though even though that's hard e.g.. realising I'm a people pleaser. But it's what people have done to me for 30 years. Psychological & emotional abuse that's made me into someone that enables people to disrespect me & boundarys where I do nothing until i split which I see as me having a moment of facing what i brush under the carpet so i blow. Knowing I've not honered myself & the people who say they love me abuse me. What I'm not surviving is seing relationships for what they are. (Being only ok if I shrink myself, no boundary, no love, codependancy, a illusion ) bpd for me is reaction to emotional abuse. Splitting is me facing what i suppress all at once where I assume that the person must be a narcassist given information. So I rage as im dealing with a psychopath in my mind) pmdd makes me face the truth. The more my emotionally abusive bf heals the less the pmdd makes me think hes bad. We attract narcassistic people so we will act accordingly. 30 years of fighting peoples gaslighting & tactics that is unconscious in them. And making sure I don't become a hypocrite fighting against what I'm guilty of myself.
@@bloom_meister9541 I shouldn't entertain you, & yet: I was moved by her comment & then enter, you 🙄 & NOW, I am feeling fiercely loyal to the original commenter, though i dont know either of you, i can see clearly that you are needing to adjust that stick up your arse, & learn some manners or common decency. It's quite gross, to scavenge the internet, looking to kick someone in a moment of vulnerability. It's not cute. Did it make you feel better? (This is intended as rhetorical question). Take care
I like this sentiment. Very difficult to hold, when one is in devaluation. In addition possibly harmful. However very good point and an important yet dissonant point for those who love borderlines. Thank you. 😊
@@sneakerhead567 It's all bullshit regardless of it's source. The human experience isn't a picnic for anyone. Character is built thru the learning of tolerance via understanding. I don't seek to persuade others to have the same opinion as me nor the same feelings that I do. God Bless
@@timsaunders8989 Shame, that was a very meager attempt at magniloquence. It might have been cute if it weren't so obviously an exercise in self-abasement.
Nothing more exhausting than keeping someone soothed. If it doesn't come from her, it's not worth maintaining. Having to remind someone you're in her life, isn't worth it. Can't make someone love you.
@@rprb1957 I feel this. I just wanted to love her. The saddest part is I know that’s what she wanted to but couldn’t allow it. I hope she become self aware and I really hope it subsides for her at age 45 as SV states can happen. She deserves love and a break from the roller coaster too. I wish I could have done all these things SV shares. But each time I tried, I would loose myself. And then she would leave and a couple months later re connect and try again. Each time loosing myself trying to help her. Heartbreaking. I cannot even be angry with her, I have to much compassion for her.
I find the similarities between BPD and heightened RSD in ADHD mixed with long term exposure to trauma like C-PTSD quite astonishing, to say the least. Similarities of symptoms listed below. _Please debate with me & don't hate on me_ I'm curious about this. *BPD:* Borderline Personality Disorder _Emotional dysregulation + Impulsiveness + All or nothing + Expecting rejection + Rejection sensitivity + People pleasing + Anxiety + Distressed dissociations + Distorted lens + Panic/anger attacks + Reassurance relying + Trust issues + Addictions + Obsessions_ *ADHD:* Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder _Emotional Dysregulation + Impulsiveness + All or nothing_ *RSD:* Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria _Expecting rejection + Rejection sensitivity + People pleasing + Anxiety + Distressed dissociations + Distorted lens + Panic/anger attacks + Reassurance relying + Trust issues + Addictions + Obsessions_ Fear of rejection, criticism, inadequacy, deception and isn’t being abandoned by someone actually the worst kind of rejection there is? *Unstable self-image:* This becomes an *RSD* issue if you're more invested in constantly trying to please others than to discover who you are as an individual. _tastes, likes, dislikes, values, beliefs etc._
I have ADHD and RSD, I married and had a child with a woman who has BPD and OCD. We got locked down together over COVID, 1/2 truths, 100 white lies a day, gaslighting, manipulation, intermittent reinforcement, cycles of ideation and vilification, I saw the psychopathy many times, it felt sadistic. Then I left. It was a perfect storm of pain and disaster, pushed me to the absolute breaking point. She took custody of my child and created false accusations, spread rumor's throughout my work networks and friends, destroyed me financially. The loss of time with my daughter has been the most painful experience of my life. I would rather be beaten by a gang of men with baseball bats, than go through the pain this woman can cause. I do understand SV's points here, we are now divorced and we have started talking again. I feel tempted to see if reconciliation is possible, Sometimes I feel strong enough to deal with it, sometimes, it feels too much. I wish that our family could have worked.
A lot of theses women are mothers too and the pain they cause in their children rarely discussed and mentioned compared to all those videos about the disorder itself..
Good for you and I wish you all the success in maintaining a relationship with a lying cheating and irresponsible woman who is overcome by her emotions. I myself tried and learned a lot about myself, the Redemptive quality of love, and how to be patient with extreme characters in everyday life. It ends up as a personal choice and the Deep truth will be whatever we decide that will be when we come to the end. But I could no longer take the logic of number one, I did not do it, two, if I did do it it wasn't that bad, three, 3, if it was bad then you deserved it. At this point I'm in my sixties and the need to babysit and parent an adult who seems to get worse as time goes on, while my own health and Vocational obligations deteriorate because all my attention and my love is expended on a person who has no awareness of it
*I practically did everything told in this video.* Guys, only different thing happens at the end she leaves you but makes a "closing speech". Hell, I had no idea she had BPD. My problem was I never had a gf, she was first and I don't have any attachment problems. Her unacceptable behaviours almost made me leave her, however she insisted to be together causing drama.
Yet another superb video! I think that everything you outlined can be helpful to anyone who loves and cares for a Borderline person, whether as an intimate partner, friend, or family member These skills, tools, and the framework you provided can help engender compassion and understanding.
I learn so much from your videos. I'm 500% convinced that I'm a BPD patient but for me right now opting therapy is not possible for many reasons. This video especially made me learn so many points on how to handle myself better. Right now I'm in a phase of recovery/mourning my last relationship. I'm convinced that he was a narcissist. Most of the times we seemed like a perfect fit. We belonged together. Being with him was a challenge on a daily basis but I was up for it. He used to tell me he loves me and can't imagine living without me and I believed that. I cared for him like a baby. I loved him. We had a really good time. I let everything slide but couldn't ignore his betrayal. It had me in shreds. He had never actually been with only me. It's funny I could never suspect he doesn't love me. I think he did love me but it's just a way of life for him. However I couldn't continue. I love him and miss him every day. Your videos help me understand so much. Thanks a lot for your work Dr. SV.
Hey there! I have bpd been diagnosed and in treatment for many years. I believe myself to have a gift for sporting women with bpd. Just by looking at their picture! Look at the similarity between your photo and mine. The big Disney princess smile, child like. It’s not a regular smile. Borderlines are loving and happy. It almost never fails to help me identify someone with the same disorder as me.
I would say that the segment about supporting BPD during their psychopathic acting out sadly can ever work in a home environment. They weaponize everything, they assume worst lies and intentions when someone is doing what is humanly possible to remind them of love. Truly, this is beyond anything animalistic. It is a warped, volatile essence of dysregulation and chaos in the most vile sense.
This is my experience. I was quite amazed to hear Sam mention after splitting they can have short psychotic breaks. Makes a lot of sense as I have seen that first hand and it can be terrifying. Best one can do is be never endingly patience and never lose your temper or waste effort arguing. They just say whatever they need to win and be on top
After getting boundaries in place and working on myself in the past few years I've overcame most of my borderline traits, so much so that I can't even recognize myself. I fell in love with another borderline and it's starting to be a ride. At least, after watching Sam's videos I've understood what was actually going on and this, in turn, helped me discover myself very much. I'm really grateful to have met them, it's a whole hassle but I think it's worth it. I'm also very happy, peaceful even when it comes to other women and his experiences with them, all I wish is for him to feel loved all the time. Indeed, they're drop dead gorgeous with a voice to match and I'd always like to know their opinion on stuff, just to listen. It's fascinating to unravel all this. Always a lot to process and review from this video.
it is simply impossible to have a non toxic long term relationship without treatment. It already had an expiration date before you even met. It is very difficult to get over them and they simply will not co parent and will make your life almost unbearable. Do not have children with them under any circumstances
I vividly remember the first time I said something mean to someone I was in my early twenties. I just could not control myself it would not stop coming out of my mouth. I feel sorry for any person who falls in love with one of us. My reactions have become more explosive as I have grown old and it has scared me. I am using some of the techniques you spoke of doctor thank you so much.
All of these recommendations seem to be manageable only within a relationship where the BPD partner has self-awareness of their condition. When the grandiosity of the primary persona exceeds their ability to self realize, you as a partner are fucked.
Agree. I don't know for sure what clicked for me, but I've always known something was wrong with me, I think finally when I realized all my thoughts and emotions were 99% lies did I become aware and able to cognitively grasp it in this way I was able to change it. I'm still working on myself. My husband and I are together 20 years this year, he has anger problems, but he has trauma from his upbringing and I know it comes from love, so it's been hard for him to work on himself with so much chaos from me 😢❤ we also have 6 kids, so I'm trying to get to a place where we all work on ourselves together in a safe place. The kids say they're scared of daddy sometimes, when he feels strongly about something he gets loud and can't really control it. That's exactly how his dad was, I can see in his eyes sometimes the fear behind his behavior. Like why am I this thing I hated so much as a kid. Hang in there.
This hits hard! I’m currently going through a vicious discard and feel this is my ex in a nutshell. Went from being the love of her life, to abandoned & ghosted in
To late, relationship already went up in a mushroom cloud, 6-months and I am still missing her. I wish I had seen your video earlier. There may still be hope, but this is the longest no-contact we have had over the 9 years. She rarely verbalized what she was going through. Exactly, she said herself that she had difficulty with memory and learning. I had suggested journaling, which she never did. Oh yes paranoia and accused me of the most ridiculously insane things. I am so sorry I did not have these tools in my kit when she was present.
I could never imagine being treated better or worse than I was with her. I don’t think the good could ever be matched by another women on earth. I pray neither can the bad.
Any tips on dealing with depression and ptsd after being in a relationship with a borderliner? I was definitely codependant and made mistakes triggered by her behavior.
@@TobaccoPancake talk to lots of family and friends or even strangers. I made some new friends this way. Try therapy. I didnt because it is very hard to get one and I simply gave up due to being tired. I also am in contact with her again, kind of friends with benefits but that depends on how you enjoy being with her. Would not recommend. It needs time. I know how it sounds, but it will get better. Not like before, but you can get out of it better than before.
Your borderline description is very interesting for a stranger in this field like me. It seems to fit with "a few" women I met in life, regarding the general aspects of borderline. Especially a girl I once knew. She was beautiful and awesome, a great person actually. I wanted to date her, she told me no, we became sort of friends for a while. Then I frustrated her on something, but not intentionally, as I remember. She got angry with me among friends, and there was no fix. I was a toxic narcissistic guy at the time. As you mention I have to agree her anger towards me was to hurt me and share the emotional burden of our situation going wrong. But I felt it was also part an act, cause I guess I never truly knew her. We parted ways for a good while. Then when we saw each other again, we could only look at each other from distance. Thank you for your very insightful rich talks.
Yes very addictive! After 4 relationships with BPD women it’s hard to go back to the less intense love of a more stable person. It’s such a balance..is the amazing pure love worth the energy it takes to maintain the relationship & yourself? Still don’t know the answer to that but damn I’ve been to the stars & the gutter many times
I appreciate you ... Your wrapping together your detailed analysis with what the experience feels like! 2 borderlines together - what a once in a lifetime experience for me. Never before, never since.
My borderline ex is somewhat on the severe spectrum even with the proof of her emotional cheating she called them "friends" and the things she was saying to them were "jokes". Everytime she verbally assualted me and i stood up for myself she said she just cant talk to me because im so "sensitve" and cant take a "joke". Its all just a big game to her. She got very cruel towards the end. She would text me as if i just didnt understand how emotions work and I just dont understand while sending multiple hysterical laughter emojis as if i were just beneath her...because i just "wouldnt get it" even if she sat me down and explained to me how she met (literally most of these ppl shes never even met in real life and were just "cyber friends") these ppl and how their relationship worked..completely nuts
That's exactly how my ex was, and when I confront him he'd get very abusive and ruthless i thought he was a psychopath, i stayed because i knew he was just deeply hurt and had to make me see it, he went to therapy turned out it was BPD, things got better he gave me the best times of my life like sam said it was worth the price untill he stopped therapy it all went haywire again i had to leave, eight years later and i still regret it though...
What a powerful, realistic and encouraging talk. I needed to hear this because I am also in the boat of seeing those rewards and also the amount of work and struggle to maintain it.
I was married to a BPD woman for over 30 years, we had/raised 3 children together. The end came when she got angry one night and stabbed our family dog to death with a steak knife in order to hurt me. She went to jail that night, charged with felony animal cruelty. After this she ghosted me, filed for divorce, and I haven't spoken to her since that night. This was 2.5 years ago. Proceed at your own risk.
Thank you so very much Professor Vaknin. This information is so valuable. It is abundantly clear that you have a deep understanding of this horrendous condition. I have recently found you and I am so extremely grateful for your wisdom. Thank you!
Thank you for this video. I watched it as a borderline wife. And the last few minutes of you explaining the prize being worth the price helped me see those aspects of myself that I always tend to forget. I'm not all bad all the time and I definitely don't mean to be that much effort to be involved with. I have a wonderful husband who tries so hard and it makes me feel so bad for him. I wish he'd just give up on me and move on with our girls, so they can live happily, no more egg shell walking..... but he stays🤷♀️..... thank you for those last few minutes especially 🖤
What a rare loving account of how to deal with a borderliner (for people who are into that type of personality and ready to pay the price). I would not feel I deserve so much goodwill from a partner, but on the other hand, I also feel borderliners have something special and pure to offer, so who are we to say to people that they should steer clear of them. Just help them make an informed choice as you do here (for which a million thanks). Personnally I have asked two professional therapists if i was borderline, they said my symptoms were not bad enough to get the diagnosis. Yet I feel so much self loathing for what I put my partners through (mainly by always leaving them at the slightest upset that becomes uncontrolably intolerable in my eyes) that i have completely given up on relationships although there are still men drawn to me and trying to change my mind, and although my celibate life feels poor and incomplete. As usual for the topic, the comments come mainly from survivors who say how horrible it is to be with a borderliner. I have witnessed it is and don't want in anyway to downplay your hurt , but as a grown up, you can walk away from a partner, (it's more complicated if it's a family member). If you don't walk away, you have mainly yourself to blame. But borderliners can never walk away from themselves, and you don't know how terrible that feeling is, unless you have experienced it yourself. Thank you professor Vaknin for showing us a less black and white view ('the only option is run'). I hope one day you will be as mild towards narcissists, because if it is true that you are one, they desserve some mildness too.
I understand what you say. I believe I'm a BPD patient. My relationships have never lasted long enough in spite of no matter how much I tried, some way or the other I've pushed everyone away. I'm so young and still I feel I know the feeling of giving up on love and relationships. I don't know what kind of life awaits me in my future but I hope we shall take what comes to us as happily and peacefully possible for us. God bless. The only reason I reply to comments on posts like such is, I see people like myself hurting or just trying to be understood. I see you. I believe you. Take care.
@@priyasrivastava333 you’re very kind. Hopefully you will encounter stable , trustworthy and loving people to help you on your journey. Maybe in your lifetime there will be an effective treatment to ‘re-programme’ the brains of people that have been traumatized in one way or another and therefore have attachment problems. (Maybe with something along the lines of EMDR). Never give up 🤗
9 years with him. I'm exhausted. He disguarded me 2 months ago. I can't get over it. Most intense relationship of my life. This is the best description I have found on borderline to date, and it's his birthday...I'm so upset.I wish I'd seen this years ago, then maybe I'd never have lost him. I would take him back in a heart beat, but he will never talk to me again. He ran back to his friend (whom he'd discarded for me - not that I'd wanted him to) He improved in some ways towards the end, it was almost as if we were swapping places... Thank you Doctor. This has helped me to make sense of the best roller coaster of my life.
@@escalera601 because borderlines are the opposite of each (love and hate) on the spectrum. When it's bad, it's BAD, but when it's good it's GOOD. It's like an addiction. They train you to want the high (or the deep intense feeling of happiness and love) which they make you believe you cannot find with another person. You spend ALL your time walking the eggshells and working to keep getting the GOOD. By human nature, we want what we've worked for. It's sick, it's twisted and they KNOW what they're doing. I miss the highs it's true, but overall I'm steady now and MUCH better off without him. Think of it this way, someone who was addicted to say, alcohol, drugs, sex, food, whatever, will miss it at times, but they know it's destructive, so hopefully stay clear - same thing. Best advice is, stay the f away from borderlines, NEVER get involved in the first place. Unfortunately, most people don't know it's a rollercoaster till they're half way through. It's never too late to get off tho. Good luck with your journey, stay true to yourself and who you were before you met the thing that WILL destroy your life/relationships.
How is it our responsibility to deal with an intimate partner that's basically a unregulated toddler who needs to be mothered and taught life skills and emotional maturity...but like worse? This is crazy and codependent as heck. Am I wrong?
You're not wrong, which is why everyone advises against such a relationship. That being said, a lot of people find themselves in the sauce before they even realise, and by that point they are already in love and of course wants to try to save the relationship. Unlikely to work though, of course.
You're absolutely right.. I have borderline personality disorder..my last bf was a somatic narcissist.. it was a nightmare. .. the fighting.. the pain .. the hurt .. therapy for the past 11 months is helping me .
Getting involved with someone with borderline traits will give you some golden moments in love but you need to be Dr Sam Vanakin at all other times. Let me put what Dr Sam said in worldly sense. 1)Love is irreplacable. They can have a healing touch. Emotionally as well as physically. You will crave for more. This makes you addicted to the subject. 2) the distorted reality and paranoia implicates you most of the times. You would be left confused and would be defending yourself half of the time. 3) They would be unreasonable, acting like emotional fools, childlike with no sense of responsibility. 4) Sometimes you'd like it if they go out of their way to help a puppy, but next day they'd be found extending their empathy to an ex who has successfully manipulated his way back in. 5) You would be constantly insecure about whether you are able to keep them reassured or not. But like Dr Sam said they could go on a reckless flirting spree with no consideration for your emotions. The rules you imposed on yourself have no meaning to them. You'd feel anger, guilt and confusion. 6) You will get acknowledgement for your pain and sometimes even apology but the next day would be the same again. You guessed it right. My story. I say not worth it. Go for it if you have had a stable life and want to experience and manage the rollercoaster. But if you have had enough on your plate, you are going to regret it. I choose peace.
Exactly. I want to share my life with someone I love, not with someone I look at as a frustrating rubik's cube that I have to scramble and re-solve every day. Life is already a challenge full of problems I need to solve. I need a teammate to help me challenge life, not each other.
bless you, this is a wealth of great knowledge. I'm 1 year in and have been learning all I can but have paid the piper as well. It's certainly one of the hardest relationships I've had but her love makes it all worth it and I always tell her that. I have never been loved by anyone the way you do.
11:15 For 20 years I managed to do this, but the thing that wrecked it all is that for those same 20 years, my BPD father-in-law was directly competing against me for the "pivotal role". In the end, he won. In his late 70s, he was able to break her with his victimization/woe-is-me guilt tripping. I believe that since he is the original sinner that caused her trauma to begin with, it was futile for me to even believe I had a chance against his evil hand. I could not convince her to remember the horrible ways her toxic family treated her in the past, so I could not give her continuity with me.
Thank you so much Professor Vaknin iv learned so much from your videos. The way you explain things so in depth I can actually begin to understand my self and the women I love. About 2 months ago she ended our 10 year relationship. She is 52 years old and im 48. For the majority of the relationship I contributed her behaviors to menapause. I had told myself to just be patient and it will pass some day. Obviously it never did that's why iv been searching for a way to understand my mistakes. In all the ways you described your attractions to boarderline women it's the same for me. When I think of her and see her I see how loving she is and noone makes me feel the way she can( Good and Bad) I made so many mistakes all of the ones you explained. I always put everything on me hoping it would just end the fighting. I know that watching some videos will not make me be able to fix things in the future. But it's a relief to finally have an idea of the areas iv failed and at least an understanding of what I need to do. Towards the end of the relationship when she would withdraw from me and give me the silent treatment I would always just isolate myself from her because rejection from the women you love hurts like nothing else. I'd start of trying to be understanding and get her out of it but eventually once my feelings were hurt or if I felt I was losing her I'd act out saying cruel things back at her. It hit me hard when you said you have to be kind and loving. I realized years ago that I'm probably a little too sensitive at times. And when it's someone I love and my feelings get hurt anger will take over almost to protect myself. Thank you again Professor I look forward to being able to learn and understand myself and people I care about better.
Thank you Prof. S. Vaknin, for your very well said' and done' presentation. You produced all the hard facts with tremendous skill and easy understanding. I BPD continuously question why I cannot retain information about my where, why, when, or the lost time. I always refer to being in a time warp. It's frightening and always rapidly quick. Also the self harm and suicidal tendencies are so sporadic and painful but mostly out of Rage. I do refer to myself as an angry young woman sadly. I have been gifted with a great sense of humour which helps guide through the darkness. Thanks again Sam x
What a dangerous and toxic thing to say. I think it's more accurate to say that about toxic people who don't want to heal, in general. And NPD are BPD are different. Idk if you can be both so easily. Narcissists are horrible, but even they are capable if they want to change. I'd never be with a narcissist. It's be able to with most anyone who agreed to work on themselves. Sorry, I'm just defensive because my sister is BPD and she's really misunderstood and very sweet. As her favorite person, I know it's hard to handle her. But you just have to realize it's mostly cptsd and learn how to support someone in that way, if you have the motivation to love them and stay. They're just a lot of work because their parents never taught them better.
I'm learning about my bpd too after my most hellish years. 3 years ago i started to transition to reclusive lifestyle. I moved away from my friends and family changed my numbers deleted my accounts and ghosted any one who was interested in me. Now i just work alot, and drink alot alone... ( 3 weeks sober tho girrrl) its been 3 years of avoidance and self hatred. Lawd ha'mercy I just want to be a normal person.
I never do the pull away for any other reason than, I’m seeing things that make me believe they are going to leave me, so I want to avoid that pain and need to try and leave them before they can leave me
Have not watched but I definitely have described my past BPD partners as Sirens. Most definitely. They are probably what they greek were talking about.
This video is extremely insightful. However, by attempting to employ all the techniques mentioned, anyone involved with a borderline is essentially abandoning themself to figure out the borderline’s 24/7 mind fuggery.
That man would be me... ...Just kidding, it’s been 6 months since our breakup, I would totally take he back. Being with her is equal to the pain of not.
i didnt know until it was too late. She became violent. I went to jail after disarming her, she took a knife to herself and my things. I wasnt charged but in that cell i knew the trauma bond was real. I wish I couldve helped her while she was still here. she went back home states away, left all her belongings and heirlooms. I miss her, Love her, but theres no getting through. I'm hated, not sure if I was ever loved.. object constancy,, all these terms.. its been 2 months.. im learned now, i wish I knew before. I did a lot of these things you mentioned naturally, but if i knew there was a disorder I wouldn't have been so helpless
she is so beautiful. I do not feel I'll feel the same way about a woman ever.. but its time to take care of myself.. sheesh. I do love her, despite the cheating, rage, lack of accountability etc. surprised on your take after I finally convinced myself to let go. Not sure if she is BPD or NPD,, I believe there is a spectrum.. she displayed all of it. But enchantress.. thats the key word. God Bless us all
No thanks I've been there it's a emotional roller-coaster from hell ups n downs you never know what they thinking in there distorted brain I think I will stay single
I have a very abusive borderline addict/alcoholic in my home. Bipolar but abuses the meds to get high then goes unmedicated and drug seeking. Refuses counseling, because she can only lie. Has had PTSD from horrific abuses and rapes. I believe she's got multiple personalities due to conversations, changing appearance. She may be facing prison. Could not complete community service. Can I get her committed before they throw her into what will probably destroy what is left of her mind.
Sam, my ex narcissist boyfriend who I lived with for one year and six months before I left him : he cheated on me in the beginning our relationship. This borderline he paraded in front of me , even picking me up for church while I had be subjected to the borderlines abuse inside of the car . I was shaking the entire time ( I suffer from childhood PTSD ) . I left the church, I mean I ran from the church. I ran to a cafe and got tea and a cake , calmed my nerves and made a call to the narcissist boyfriend breaking up . He leaves the borderline in the pew and goes to the bathroom and calls proclaiming his love . But that he’d never had such a younger woman and that the relationship wouldn’t last . One week later, I’m still suffering from the fact that he never once spoke up for me while the borderline was tearing me to pieces inside the car. The narcissist then came to my door , when I failed to show up for church . He gave a Leonardo DiCaprio performance on my door step to me “ I will always love you and if that woman doesn’t want me to see you then I’m going to tell her to go to hell . He whisk me away for dinner and romance . Yet he said nothing about telling the borderline that he was in love with me . He never kissed me either and kept seeing this borderline for the rest of November and even took her to thanksgiving to meet his family. This relationship with the borderline ended the first of December or so he says . This borderline staked us a whole year! Thank you Sam 🙏
Only did 41 days with mine. I am not a PhD psychologist and don't have time to put up with all this drama. Very difficult to separate. Best sex I ever had though but I realized that "she" was not there. It was a pose and act. Very serious shit guys. Run run run!
I'm borderline; he has alexithymia. How can I stop getting so triggered by his inability to communicate on an emotional level? The cognitive dissonance is real. One minute, I only see the (probably neurodiverse) beauty that I'm in love with; the next minute, he's the persecutory object - an evil covert narcissist who wants nothing more than to discard me. I still don't know which, if any, of these two selves are truly him. It's very dysregulating when you can't express or communicate on an emotional level. How can I ground myself in reality? Your videos are my world - thankyou.
I spent 30 years surfing this wave, from incredible high to another, with gusto! Eventually, it was time to stop and my own sanity improved 10,000 times. While they were worth it, in the end, slowing down to 25 mph saved my life.
This is my favourite video. I felt the care Dr. Vaknin has in this regard. So true as well if I look at what has helped me in therapy and in life, as a person who was in the least a budding borderline.
I wish I’d have watched this video some years ago, to help him in the right time. Now he is deeply grounded in the black hole and won’t listen 😢💔 don’t know what I can do more to help him and in the same moment try to help myself.
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
This might just be the best RUclips video I’ve ever watched period.
This is absolutely the best video about borderlines Ive ever found.
My wife of 10 years is borderline and if id watched this once a week for the last 10 years my relationship wouldnt be failing.
It's never too late.
I've ruined so many friendships and relationships with people I care about. I don't want to hurt anyone or make a fool of myself. It makes so much sense now. I have vivid memories of violent fights between my parents where one of them would always leave and at such a young age I was and still are traumatized that I'd never see one of them again. Now I'm always traumatized to lose anyone in my life, I hate what and how I've acted to other's. I want to be accountable and better. These videos taught me a lot about myself, I'm grateful I've found your work. Thank you. Just FYI I'm a 25 year old male.
You are blessed to have self awareness and desire to change at such a young age. Knowing is half the battle.
7 months with a borderline. Both the best and most traumatic relationship of my life. In the beginning she was a princess, in the end a psychopath. The mismatch between words and actions was mindbuggeling. If treated bad, she would be clingy and do anything for love. Give her love and she will attack you. Dont even try! I was so confused in the end.
Why would you go thru fire for someone who is unable to connect with you on a deep level? Its like keeping a false fantasy alive.
It is mind blowing: the more good things you do for them the worse they treat you. They resent that they can’t give to you. They know deep down inside they don’t deserve you. So most codependents stay with them it’s their familiar childhood that they try and fix through the borderline. Any normal person would move on at first red flag. Watch it they are dangerous people.
@@sheriwatson1426 @Sheri Watson This is an ignorant, and extremely bigoted, comment on multiple levels. I could cite a number of studies on BPD recovery, many of these academic papers have been made openly available to the general public and are easily accessible by google search. At minimum, I suggest listening to Vaknin's RUclips video titled "Borderline's Miracle Healing" as Sam excels at handholding his audience through the material. Here's a notable excerpt:
"But, actually, the prognosis for Borderline Personality Disorder is not bad at all, as we will see. By age 45, a sizable portion of patients with Borderline Personality Disorder, will have healed spontaneously and miraculously. We will not be able to diagnose the disorder in these people anymore, and the other half respond very well to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). So if you put the two together, theoretically, we can heal or cure something like 90% of Borderline patients."
Beyond this point, it is ridiculous to categorize 2% of the population as a threat based on your personal experience. It completely disregards the obvious fact that, like all mental and physical health issues, there is an incredibly wide range of affliction. Not all BPD patients present equally, especially as Borderlines age and/or commit to work of wellness via therapy.
Lastly, your patronizing response to another's attempt to actually understand BPD is quite telling. The desire to understand the human experience of others is the root of compassion and empathy.
@@ohreally1997 It's telling that one word got you all in a tizzy. So based on your info, stay away from bpd peeps until they are over 45 years old. A good amount of them have forms of narcissism and psychopathy. However, maybe mild bpd is cured by your time frames and style of psychological counseling.
Was nearly 10 yrs for me including 2 children I love. Absolutely HORRIFYING rollercoaster of “hell on earth”! Lying, 1/2 truths, horrifically false accusations, claimed abandonment, snooping, infidelity, back & forth, years of counseling for me (none for her)! Took me 2-3 yrs to find “borderline” to figure things out & I will never recover from her insanity, deception & maliciousness
@@ohreally1997 Wow my borderline was 54 and not anywhere close to being healed. Drank like a fish too. No time to put up with this for me. Call me bigoted. This woman would have destroyed my life. I am in therapy after only 41 days exposure.
The best I've ever heard it described. "She wants to hurt you not in order to hurt you but for you to have a shared experience of her pain..." hurt with me heal with me so we can bond together. It explains so many of my romantic relationships I realize now. Thankyou so much for sharing these insightful videos!
Wouldn't that type of healing be a trauma bond though?
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@@wendi2819b😊 😊😊
I😊😊😊
I suffered from BPD for half my live. But change is possible! Very hard work, the right tools and ppl, and a lot of time. And when healing starts taking place, curse becomes a blessing.
Glad you were able to heal. How did you heal?
I can relate...❤
Yes! I watch videos, I’m aware of the pain i can cause involuntary and I’m aware of the thoughts I have about myself or my partner are quite delusional. I’m not insecure, if I know I am loved if my partner is kind and trustworthy and I don’t feel someone defines who I am. I don’t cheat because I love my partner deeply, and if I’m betrayed it hurts so deeply. I have my DBT workbook and see a psychiatrist and therapist and take medication. Being aware of thoughts what is real and not is key. I wish you all who suffer from bpd to heal.
I think they should re-do all the Disney movies but switch out the romantic characters with borderlines, narcissists, anti-social disorder types, and maybe throw in a few schizoids and autistic persons. Then these kids might be more ready for the dysfunctional reality of adult romance. Surrender Dorothy.
This is genius
well, that's all well and good but kids these days see enough of that crap especially if they have single moms which is almost half of kids these days. they need realistic healthy models compared and contrasted against realistic unhealthy ones. The last thing we need is for this plan to backfire and little Sophie is imitating her favorite histrionic attractive princess in the Kroger's ok?
@@helenhoward5346 I think they are doing a lot better job lately. The older ones were not very realistic at all. I especially liked "Inside Out".
🤣
actually we should attribute their traits to the evil characters
I was expecting this video to be about "hitting back" and escaping borderline people. I wasn't expecting it to be how to love and support them for exactly what they are. It's very enduring and humane and made me sympathetic to everyone involved in a borderline relationship. Like you said, it's a pure love.
I am a borderline female. When i was young, very young, batween the ages of 2 and up until i stopped giving the strong desperate reaction my mother wanted, my mom would play dead. She'd be gone. My mom kept dying from the age of 2 until i stopped reacting. I stopped reacting at around 8/9 years old. She enjoyed the sound of my desperate aggrieved cries when i thought shed left me. Another tactic was the silent treatment. Now as a child, when given the silent treatment by your mother, it feels like you've been deleted. You dont exist. This being a malignant narcissistic mother means there were many insults, gaslighting, verbal abuse of all sorts. All those words and emotions rang loud and heard deep in my little ears during the silent treatment. Somehow i felt enslaved, oppressed, unwanted, a defected child. I felt rejected. With came the feelings of unworthiness and shame. Now the deepest and most overwhelming emotion i felt hard and strong from the age of 7 was excruciating emotional PAIN. At 18, shame created a void of a deep EMPTINESS.
I am so sorry for the pain you've experienced in your life. I've never heard of a parent playing dead to their child, that's mind-boggling and plain horrifying. People are often cruel in the way they speak of people suffering from BPD, because of the ways they've been hurt by them. I hope you don't feel ashamed by the diagnosis, knowing how you've been set up by your mother to have these problems. I pray that you learn self-love to the point that you no longer have the fear of being unwanted or unworthy. I pray that you find peace and the past mistreatment will no longer sting when you remember it. I hope that you find people who will treat you gently.
I'm so very sorry you experienced such unimaginable horror. You deserved NONE of this trauma. The earth knows your terror and honors your bravery. God bless you and be well.
Same. NPD mother. Never heard of someone else experiencing this.
Thank you so much for sharing. Went through the same thing. Can’t get the idea out of my head that she must have heard my crying myself to sleep and she didn’t come to suit me. Still working on myself and healing my inner child, grieving I didn’t have a mom at all. Wishing you lots of strength and love ❤️
Hugs, this must’ve been indescribable 😢❤
Living with a borderline is like being hurled into a rollercoaster seat without a moment's warning, and it can happen over and over again without warning. It's exhausting at the least, and crazy-making at its worst. The craziest part is that the borderline acts so normal in between episodes.
You fall out. You hit the ground. Winded, far worse. The days pass. Then you think, OMG they are still in that thing driving it! Shrieking.
So normal. I knew she was messed up, but I had no idea what I was actually dealing with. Harrowing.
You got in the seat and didn't buckle in, thinking it was a tunnel of love for an easy boat ride, and then you find out it's the lightning loop, twister ride or something like that 😂
Better than normal
😂@@flamechick6
I am a Borderline and I just wanted to say just listening to you calms me instantly (even the accent calms me, lol). I don't know why, but it does. Maybe because you have BPD pegged so perfectly, so many do not understand. How nice. Sweet relief. I go to your channel and randomly pick a video, and I immediately feel comforted. No one, not my family, not my husband, not friends,. Iterally no one has shown any curiosity, care or concern for what I am experiencing, so I suffer in silence. No insurance and I am homeless at the moment so I can't see my psychologist. I feel like I have seen him listening to you. You get it. Keep explaining us, we are paying attention. 👍
@Sinner1660 I'm another like minded sufferer ..
Admittedly being with a borderline is a lot of hard work, since you are pretty much responsible for her emotional regulation and sense of self. And in a way the intimate partner can help the borderline become themselves and their own person, but only if the borderline is aware enough to accept this task and responsibility. However, it can be very rewarding and an extremely enriching relationship if both parties put the hard work in. Borderlines didn’t choose to be like this. It seems even worse if they act infantile but you have to be patient…
thank you for ONE KIND RESPONSE in the sea of meanness and judgement!
@@ChornaRealEstate if people dont understand you its because they dont want to understand. Its the same thing with yourself as well. Everyone is just trying to get revenge on others for what someone else did to them. Remember that you can get better for yourself and for others.
But, trust is a big issue when they lie and went hot/cold cycles. When they grow distant, I can't be sure if they are cyber-romancing. Because it seems like what they do in my case.
It's hard to deal with a person you know is sick when they push/pull and cheat. I tried everything to help my wife. In the end I got discarded. I know she will try to get back with me, but the trauma she has done is too much.
Wonderful comment. Problem is most are not aware or refuse to acknowledge this or seek help. I have been in a relationship with one who has teh quiet form for nearly 20 years. For 18 years i put up with this. Was a caretaker and probably codependent. But then it got too much and I found myself and boy have things been volatile since. I had to in order to retain my sense of self and self esteem. I was about to lose this. Not sure we’ll survive TBH. So very sad.
Me and my current girlfriend boderline were on the road in the Atacama desert and then she asked me to stop the car, I did, so she turned up the car stereo and turned the headlights on full volume, she climbed on the hood of my car and took off clothes while dancing. borderlines do these crazy things they drive men crazy in every way : love hate fury they make men awaken in them a sense of protection they are angelic, eternal young they are a devil sometimes. they are free but if they feel they have been rejected or feel envy they destabilize their own emotions but it doesn't last long. they will addict you! I think they are the best women of course I also have a certain narcissism too
Same here. She turned up the music and got on the roof dancing extremely provocatively. She is an absolute joy.
Seems like a parent/child relationship being relived in a healthy teaching manner. The borderline is the child and the non-borderline the parent re-teaching the child what they missed because of childhood trauma.
WHOA!!! SPOT ON
So much work! You have to be a Saint and a therapist at the same time to endure this. Send them to a real professional and tell them to come back in 10 years
Prof. Sam Viknin is a self-professed narcissist. He says that quite a lot. He is very amazing at his research and expressing it well. But Borderlines and Narcissists are often drawn to each other. they are brother and sister personality disorders. So they counter each other's hollowness and sociopathy. The narcissist can control and the BPD actually becomes the caretaker. But it's a shared delusion and it all comes crumbling down as this reality dawns on them. There was a documentary of Vaknin being a narcissist. In one interview he is with his wife. They ask him if he feels love for his wife (a BPD). He said he has a certain affection for her, like one might have for a pet. 🤨
US non-personality disordered people whom the BPD might cling to recognize and feel all the horror of the reality of being caged in the disturbing BPD's grip. The narcissist simply doesn't care what the BPD does because they switch into the delusion of being better than everyone, and simply don't care about the BPD person or what they think, they simply enjoy the constant drama that distracts them from the empty chasm where we healthy folk have feelings. The BPD finds refuge from their own lack of identity, as the delusion of the narc never falters. and that it is at least an identity to fill their empty chasm. that sucks for both of them, but that's about as much as they deserve in this world. . This is why he talks of being able to control the BPD with much glee. He's aware this is a meaningless life of delusion though, but doesn't mention it in his videos. He is after all a narc. . Just empty people with pets and false identities.
They still will be borderline tf
Thank you Dr. Vaknin! I suffer from BPD and I have learned so much from your work.
You obviously don’t have the slightest clue.
adil chaudhry
You should try to open your eyes and get closer to the screen then... because it seems like you don't have a clue about how lving with bpd affects the person who suffers fom it
@@adilchaudhry3272 super ignorant comment, do you not want people to heal? BPD is just a type of psychological wound that is deep and causes bad effects in an individual.
No one should have to live this way in a relationship!
Incredible work, Mr Vaknin. The descriptions of borderline character, are subtle and comprehensive. I can feel your emotion at the end of the video. And it shows your love, for borderline women, that I share with you.
Vaknin.
@@samvakninThanks. Correction made. I had a marvelous relation with a borderline woman, exactly as you describe. In the end, she was unstable, and when she noticed I was going to discover it, she decided to cheat, and walk away. Everything you said is real, even for women on the other side of the globe.
I got goosebumps at one point when you were describing "Mirroring" the borderline's extreme behaviour. Before I even had a hunch of my girlfriend being "BPD" (neither I nor she had ever heard about it), I used to employ some of the techniques you're describing to calm down her tantrums. At one time, she was threatening to cut herself, and in order to "wake her up", I very cold-bloodedly took a fork and started scraping my arm with it; she snapped out of it immediately. It was not a particularly fun experience. Other times I would mirror the calculated verbal abuse she'd throw at me until her psychotic alter ego burned out and she snapped back into her regular self and say "what am I doing". I've literally endured dozens if not hundreds of these situations... Sadly, no amount of efforts, strategies and dispositions were enough to stabilize our relationship enough to be viable long-term; I've literally developed some serious triggers and anxieties myself to the point where being together is becoming intolerable. Only now she's beginning to acknowledge my suggestions to look into the BPD diagnosis and seek some adequate help, since 18 years in psychoanalitic therapy, although useful in many ways, has not brought her even an inch towards actual proper adult behaviour and fulfillment in life.
20 yrs married to a bpd, with 6 kids; now I’m a single dad, and she’s facing life in prison after a drug binge.
I'm speechless. . . . Over the course of the last 50 minutes: Sam just completely described every aspect of a two year relationship I was immersed in with a flight attendant.
@@petemorton8403 wow, and i thought I had it rough. Sorry, Brother. I hope you can heal...
@@petemorton8403 wow thats rough man.
I still carry wounds but no where near that.Hold on and good luck in there bro
Given that occupation it really makes sense. Being able to do anything has to fit in a specific window and if that can't be met I can imagine the fits thrown. It's such a destabilizing job, I really can't imagine it being a good fit for a bpd
Travel nurses, strippers. I am sure there are a few other occupations that attract these women.
I thought you knew to avoid flight attendants to begin with.😊 I’ve been involved with several FAs myself but was lucky enough to get out of it unscathed. Hooked up with a non-crewmember though which is what brings me to the doctors work. Best of luck to you.
Thank you Prof. Vaknin for another great video. The devaluation stage is an incredibly hard thing to deal with when you know the person inflicting the damage actually loves you behind it all. That alone made me leave for good. It's a very dangerous situation to be in
I feel horrible about the things I told my boyfriend and said about him. Were recovering after a rough several years due to me not knowing I was a Borderline and my actions from my mental state...
Its hard trying to get him to understand that even though I was talking crap and this and that, If you look past the face value you can see the hurt and frustration because I love him and at the time felt I was being rejected and denied. It sucks...its been difficult...
I completely understand what you are saying and have witnessed it from the other side(I am not perfect by any stretch btw!!!). Ultimately the instability and sometimes violent nature of an otherwise amazing relationship, just like Sam describes, forced me to leave. And it broke 2 hearts in the process.
Borderlines do not love you. It’s impossible to love someone without object constancy or sense of self.
Actually, with people with BPD, there’s a possibility they never really loved you at all. No that hurts.
They don't love u geez red pill dude
Already lost my sanity for a whole year trying to please a pwBPD, rather love and pray for her from a distance.
fr bro, just got out of the relationship, couldnt keep trying to explain how i wasnt cheating 😭, i want the best for her fr tho, she wants to be good
I also used to massage her forehead when she started getting emotional. It didn't solve anything in the long run but it did calm her down a lot on the moment.
That’s so sweet. 🙂
Sam , this is a great video. Beautiful and terrifying. So Informative and has a kindness running through it. Thank you.
I have learned more from you in three days of watching your videos than I have listening to so called gurus for the past 2 yrs. Thank you sir!!
You are Brillaint.!! I also think you are a legend for surviving around borderline women for 35 yrs!!
If you truly know about BPDs, you'll know that it comes in 3 tiers. 1st tier, which is usually in youth, is the most imbalanced. Volatile is the best word to describe it. 2nd phase is usually the era where they start seeking help. They're usually on their 2nd marriage, shattered career or their umpteenth job. Many crisis have been experienced by this point. Family are on eggshells. 3rd phase is usually entered by midlife and a handful of years of therapy en tow. And maybe spontaneous healing happens (massive consequential thinking or more grounded lifestyle changes happens, such as raising a child or pursuing a passion or using a talent). However, like SV has stated, the behaviors many times stay. Its exhausting. Family relationships barely get fixed and the emptiness never truly goes away. Also, by this point - in 3rd tier - a support system is in place, family and others are aware and a diagnosis is in place, etc. But SV is correct- communication is Key.
I’m here missing my BPD ex and still remembering all the horrible things they did. I hope I can snap out of this and move on. It’s disorienting as if you were in two relationships.
It's the deep love and passion they bring to the bedroom. It's sooo enchanting and no normal woman can touch a BPD womans intimate love making.
You never know by the second how things change. One minute you are turning in for bed exhausted after walking on eggshells, then if you are not 100% mentally present for a sincere "good night" or you are not attentative for 1 second, there is screaming and raging and you are begging for her to forgive you.
I tried, mostly unsuccessfully, to keep my bpd mom stable, or at least undead, as a child and young adult. When I saw her dumping on my children, I tried to hold her accountable and set boundaries. Of course that made me the devil. My family is my full time job, not her. if she decides to die, I'll just adhere to the advice she repeatedly gave me as a child and, "be okay." 🤷♀️
Do you share these traits with her ?
Its beyond exhausting to be with a borderline. I don't know if i find a treasure or poison at the end of the rainbow...
what did u find mate
Thank you Sam and all commenters. I will have to watch this several times, make notes, and do all this for myself as I have removed myself from every one except one person in my life. I am 69 years along and have suffered myself and everyone in my lifetime, diagnosed from teenager. The isolation is sometimes stifling but also gives me insight and direction to what to work on next. I am seeking professional help and running up against the obstacles of misdiagnosis like OCD, ADHD, and refuse to take their meds. DBT and CBT seems hard to get through to diagnosticians that don't understand. So I am deduced to self help books on these at the moment. Also Richard Grannon exercises for CPTSD, and bouts of daily journaling. I'm not consistent in any or all of these, thus the search for a therapist to represent some consistency. Your lectures and seminars are priceless and provide not only amazing understanding, but a bar set for what I am to expect in therapist attributes. I bring your introject with me to these sessions.
I am of similar age. There was next to no mental health support in rural America when we grew up plus the stigma and shame was off the charts! We could never foreseen the phenomena of RUclips as a resource for healing those early wounds. I like the homeostasis I've built living on my own. I applaud you still seeking therapy to find healing. It's never too late to live your best life!❤️
I find me🍭self 🤝bestest👭here😻💪💜🎀👑👠🍷🔮🌹🎁💋
I'm a borderline that's becoming a reiki practicioner and when the treatment broke the illusion I was living in, I've became disabled with PMDD and have cried for a year now on and off. Lost my ability to feel music. He is right in saying if we face who we are we wouldn't survive because i feel like im dying literally. Body is breaking down. It's not because of facing who I am though even though that's hard e.g.. realising I'm a people pleaser. But it's what people have done to me for 30 years. Psychological & emotional abuse that's made me into someone that enables people to disrespect me & boundarys where I do nothing until i split which I see as me having a moment of facing what i brush under the carpet so i blow. Knowing I've not honered myself & the people who say they love me abuse me. What I'm not surviving is seing relationships for what they are. (Being only ok if I shrink myself, no boundary, no love, codependancy, a illusion ) bpd for me is reaction to emotional abuse. Splitting is me facing what i suppress all at once where I assume that the person must be a narcassist given information. So I rage as im dealing with a psychopath in my mind) pmdd makes me face the truth. The more my emotionally abusive bf heals the less the pmdd makes me think hes bad. We attract narcassistic people so we will act accordingly. 30 years of fighting peoples gaslighting & tactics that is unconscious in them. And making sure I don't become a hypocrite fighting against what I'm guilty of myself.
You are not alone🕊 any change breaks habits and patterns. Get up and repeat. Your relationship with yourself fix 1st all day everyday 🙏🏼
Thank you for sharing
Always the victim...
@@bloom_meister9541
I shouldn't entertain you, & yet:
I was moved by her comment & then enter, you 🙄 & NOW, I am feeling fiercely loyal to the original commenter, though i dont know either of you, i can see clearly that you are needing to adjust that stick up your arse, & learn some manners or common decency. It's quite gross, to scavenge the internet, looking to kick someone in a moment of vulnerability. It's not cute. Did it make you feel better? (This is intended as rhetorical question). Take care
@@bloom_meister9541 also, she was very self aware here. Take notes.
Let's not forget, these videos are to encourage understanding not judgement. We ALL have qualities about us that are challenging to others
I like this sentiment. Very difficult to hold, when one is in devaluation. In addition possibly harmful. However very good point and an important yet dissonant point for those who love borderlines. Thank you. 😊
Bingo! Bc the title has me like 😬
@@sneakerhead567 It's all bullshit regardless of it's source. The human experience isn't a picnic for anyone. Character is built thru the learning of tolerance via understanding. I don't seek to persuade others to have the same opinion as me nor the same feelings that I do. God Bless
@@timsaunders8989 Shame, that was a very meager attempt at magniloquence. It might have been cute if it weren't so obviously an exercise in self-abasement.
Nothing more exhausting than keeping someone soothed. If it doesn't come from her, it's not worth maintaining. Having to remind someone you're in her life, isn't worth it. Can't make someone love you.
@@rprb1957 I feel this. I just wanted to love her. The saddest part is I know that’s what she wanted to but couldn’t allow it. I hope she become self aware and I really hope it subsides for her at age 45 as SV states can happen. She deserves love and a break from the roller coaster too. I wish I could have done all these things SV shares. But each time I tried, I would loose myself. And then she would leave and a couple months later re connect and try again. Each time loosing myself trying to help her. Heartbreaking. I cannot even be angry with her, I have to much compassion for her.
Can't make someone love you? I'll bet that's the theme of your life.
If you by a miracle you manage to do this and you "Win" her/him. You will lose yourself. It sounds so brutal. How is it even possible.
I find the similarities between BPD and heightened RSD in ADHD mixed with long term exposure to trauma like C-PTSD quite astonishing, to say the least.
Similarities of symptoms listed below.
_Please debate with me & don't hate on me_
I'm curious about this.
*BPD:* Borderline Personality Disorder
_Emotional dysregulation + Impulsiveness + All or nothing + Expecting rejection + Rejection sensitivity + People pleasing + Anxiety + Distressed dissociations + Distorted lens + Panic/anger attacks + Reassurance relying + Trust issues + Addictions + Obsessions_
*ADHD:* Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
_Emotional Dysregulation + Impulsiveness + All or nothing_
*RSD:* Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
_Expecting rejection + Rejection sensitivity + People pleasing + Anxiety + Distressed dissociations + Distorted lens + Panic/anger attacks + Reassurance relying + Trust issues + Addictions + Obsessions_
Fear of rejection, criticism, inadequacy, deception and isn’t being abandoned by someone actually the worst kind of rejection there is?
*Unstable self-image:*
This becomes an *RSD* issue if you're more invested in constantly trying to please others than to discover who you are as an individual.
_tastes, likes, dislikes, values, beliefs etc._
I have ADHD and RSD, I married and had a child with a woman who has BPD and OCD. We got locked down together over COVID, 1/2 truths, 100 white lies a day, gaslighting, manipulation, intermittent reinforcement, cycles of ideation and vilification, I saw the psychopathy many times, it felt sadistic. Then I left. It was a perfect storm of pain and disaster, pushed me to the absolute breaking point. She took custody of my child and created false accusations, spread rumor's throughout my work networks and friends, destroyed me financially. The loss of time with my daughter has been the most painful experience of my life. I would rather be beaten by a gang of men with baseball bats, than go through the pain this woman can cause.
I do understand SV's points here, we are now divorced and we have started talking again. I feel tempted to see if reconciliation is possible, Sometimes I feel strong enough to deal with it, sometimes, it feels too much. I wish that our family could have worked.
Thank you for the reality check. You talk about bpd women in the most genuine, kind, understanding and beautiful way.😢❤❤❤❤
A lot of theses women are mothers too and the pain they cause in their children rarely discussed and mentioned compared to all those videos about the disorder itself..
Just curious, what's a borderline mother like?
@@IlluminateYourPowercomplete control freak uses child to regulate her emotions
The bottling up of emotions it's so true. Thank you for this video it's very informative ways to use a borderline
Good for you and I wish you all the success in maintaining a relationship with a lying cheating and irresponsible woman who is overcome by her emotions. I myself tried and learned a lot about myself, the Redemptive quality of love, and how to be patient with extreme characters in everyday life. It ends up as a personal choice and the Deep truth will be whatever we decide that will be when we come to the end. But I could no longer take the logic of number one, I did not do it, two, if I did do it it wasn't that bad, three, 3, if it was bad then you deserved it. At this point I'm in my sixties and the need to babysit and parent an adult who seems to get worse as time goes on, while my own health and Vocational obligations deteriorate because all my attention and my love is expended on a person who has no awareness of it
very understandable
You are a genius. I just found out what my years of agony is coming from! My life story!
Thank you, Dr. Vaknin. You save lives
“If not your cup of tea, then walk away….” I simple cannot with him!💯💕
*I practically did everything told in this video.*
Guys, only different thing happens at the end she leaves you but makes a "closing speech".
Hell, I had no idea she had BPD. My problem was I never had a gf, she was first and I don't have any attachment problems. Her unacceptable behaviours almost made me leave her, however she insisted to be together causing drama.
Yet another superb video! I think that everything you outlined can be helpful to anyone who loves and cares for a Borderline person, whether as an intimate partner, friend, or family member These skills, tools, and the framework you provided can help engender compassion and understanding.
I learn so much from your videos. I'm 500% convinced that I'm a BPD patient but for me right now opting therapy is not possible for many reasons. This video especially made me learn so many points on how to handle myself better. Right now I'm in a phase of recovery/mourning my last relationship. I'm convinced that he was a narcissist. Most of the times we seemed like a perfect fit. We belonged together. Being with him was a challenge on a daily basis but I was up for it. He used to tell me he loves me and can't imagine living without me and I believed that. I cared for him like a baby. I loved him. We had a really good time. I let everything slide but couldn't ignore his betrayal. It had me in shreds. He had never actually been with only me. It's funny I could never suspect he doesn't love me. I think he did love me but it's just a way of life for him. However I couldn't continue. I love him and miss him every day. Your videos help me understand so much. Thanks a lot for your work Dr. SV.
Hey there! I have bpd been diagnosed and in treatment for many years. I believe myself to have a gift for sporting women with bpd. Just by looking at their picture! Look at the similarity between your photo and mine. The big Disney princess smile, child like. It’s not a regular smile. Borderlines are loving and happy. It almost never fails to help me identify someone with the same disorder as me.
I would say that the segment about supporting BPD during their psychopathic acting out sadly can ever work in a home environment. They weaponize everything, they assume worst lies and intentions when someone is doing what is humanly possible to remind them of love. Truly, this is beyond anything animalistic. It is a warped, volatile essence of dysregulation and chaos in the most vile sense.
This is my experience. I was quite amazed to hear Sam mention after splitting they can have short psychotic breaks. Makes a lot of sense as I have seen that first hand and it can be terrifying. Best one can do is be never endingly patience and never lose your temper or waste effort arguing. They just say whatever they need to win and be on top
After getting boundaries in place and working on myself in the past few years I've overcame most of my borderline traits, so much so that I can't even recognize myself.
I fell in love with another borderline and it's starting to be a ride.
At least, after watching Sam's videos I've understood what was actually going on and this, in turn, helped me discover myself very much. I'm really grateful to have met them, it's a whole hassle but I think it's worth it.
I'm also very happy, peaceful even when it comes to other women and his experiences with them, all I wish is for him to feel loved all the time.
Indeed, they're drop dead gorgeous with a voice to match and I'd always like to know their opinion on stuff, just to listen.
It's fascinating to unravel all this. Always a lot to process and review from this video.
it is simply impossible to have a non toxic long term relationship without treatment. It already had an expiration date before you even met. It is very difficult to get over them and they simply will not co parent and will make your life almost unbearable. Do not have children with them under any circumstances
I vividly remember the first time I said something mean to someone I was in my early twenties. I just could not control myself it would not stop coming out of my mouth. I feel sorry for any person who falls in love with one of us. My reactions have become more explosive as I have grown old and it has scared me. I am using some of the techniques you spoke of doctor thank you so much.
All of these recommendations seem to be manageable only within a relationship where the BPD partner has self-awareness of their condition. When the grandiosity of the primary persona exceeds their ability to self realize, you as a partner are fucked.
Agree. I don't know for sure what clicked for me, but I've always known something was wrong with me, I think finally when I realized all my thoughts and emotions were 99% lies did I become aware and able to cognitively grasp it in this way I was able to change it.
I'm still working on myself.
My husband and I are together 20 years this year, he has anger problems, but he has trauma from his upbringing and I know it comes from love, so it's been hard for him to work on himself with so much chaos from me 😢❤ we also have 6 kids, so I'm trying to get to a place where we all work on ourselves together in a safe place. The kids say they're scared of daddy sometimes, when he feels strongly about something he gets loud and can't really control it. That's exactly how his dad was, I can see in his eyes sometimes the fear behind his behavior. Like why am I this thing I hated so much as a kid.
Hang in there.
My bpd ex could never deal with, or accept that she was borderline, though she was/is a textbook example.
This hits hard! I’m currently going through a vicious discard and feel this is my ex in a nutshell. Went from being the love of her life, to abandoned & ghosted in
To late, relationship already went up in a mushroom cloud, 6-months and I am still missing her. I wish I had seen your video earlier. There may still be hope, but this is the longest no-contact we have had over the 9 years. She rarely verbalized what she was going through. Exactly, she said herself that she had difficulty with memory and learning. I had suggested journaling, which she never did. Oh yes paranoia and accused me of the most ridiculously insane things. I am so sorry I did not have these tools in my kit when she was present.
How are you doing now?
I could never imagine being treated better or worse than I was with her. I don’t think the good could ever be matched by another women on earth. I pray neither can the bad.
Any tips on dealing with depression and ptsd after being in a relationship with a borderliner? I was definitely codependant and made mistakes triggered by her behavior.
How are you doing rn? Going through the same and some tips could help
@@TobaccoPancake talk to lots of family and friends or even strangers. I made some new friends this way. Try therapy. I didnt because it is very hard to get one and I simply gave up due to being tired. I also am in contact with her again, kind of friends with benefits but that depends on how you enjoy being with her. Would not recommend.
It needs time. I know how it sounds, but it will get better. Not like before, but you can get out of it better than before.
Your borderline description is very interesting for a stranger in this field like me. It seems to fit with "a few" women I met in life, regarding the general aspects of borderline. Especially a girl I once knew. She was beautiful and awesome, a great person actually. I wanted to date her, she told me no, we became sort of friends for a while. Then I frustrated her on something, but not intentionally, as I remember. She got angry with me among friends, and there was no fix. I was a toxic narcissistic guy at the time. As you mention I have to agree her anger towards me was to hurt me and share the emotional burden of our situation going wrong. But I felt it was also part an act, cause I guess I never truly knew her. We parted ways for a good while. Then when we saw each other again, we could only look at each other from distance. Thank you for your very insightful rich talks.
My favorite talk of his, it’s a love letter in essence
Yes very addictive! After 4 relationships with BPD women it’s hard to go back to the less intense love of a more stable person. It’s such a balance..is the amazing pure love worth the energy it takes to maintain the relationship & yourself? Still don’t know the answer to that but damn I’ve been to the stars & the gutter many times
I appreciate you ... Your wrapping together your detailed analysis with what the experience feels like! 2 borderlines together - what a once in a lifetime experience for me. Never before, never since.
My borderline ex is somewhat on the severe spectrum even with the proof of her emotional cheating she called them "friends" and the things she was saying to them were "jokes". Everytime she verbally assualted me and i stood up for myself she said she just cant talk to me because im so "sensitve" and cant take a "joke". Its all just a big game to her. She got very cruel towards the end. She would text me as if i just didnt understand how emotions work and I just dont understand while sending multiple hysterical laughter emojis as if i were just beneath her...because i just "wouldnt get it" even if she sat me down and explained to me how she met (literally most of these ppl shes never even met in real life and were just "cyber friends") these ppl and how their relationship worked..completely nuts
Was her name Crystal?
That's exactly how my ex was, and when I confront him he'd get very abusive and ruthless i thought he was a psychopath, i stayed because i knew he was just deeply hurt and had to make me see it, he went to therapy turned out it was BPD, things got better he gave me the best times of my life like sam said it was worth the price untill he stopped therapy it all went haywire again i had to leave, eight years later and i still regret it though...
What a powerful, realistic and encouraging talk. I needed to hear this because I am also in the boat of seeing those rewards and also the amount of work and struggle to maintain it.
I was married to a BPD woman for over 30 years, we had/raised 3 children together. The end came when she got angry one night and stabbed our family dog to death with a steak knife in order to hurt me. She went to jail that night, charged with felony animal cruelty. After this she ghosted me, filed for divorce, and I haven't spoken to her since that night. This was 2.5 years ago. Proceed at your own risk.
Thank you so very much Professor Vaknin. This information is so valuable. It is abundantly clear that you have a deep understanding of this horrendous condition. I have recently found you and I am so extremely grateful for your wisdom. Thank you!
Thank you for this video. I watched it as a borderline wife. And the last few minutes of you explaining the prize being worth the price helped me see those aspects of myself that I always tend to forget. I'm not all bad all the time and I definitely don't mean to be that much effort to be involved with. I have a wonderful husband who tries so hard and it makes me feel so bad for him. I wish he'd just give up on me and move on with our girls, so they can live happily, no more egg shell walking..... but he stays🤷♀️..... thank you for those last few minutes especially 🖤
What a rare loving account of how to deal with a borderliner (for people who are into that type of personality and ready to pay the price). I would not feel I deserve so much goodwill from a partner, but on the other hand, I also feel borderliners have something special and pure to offer, so who are we to say to people that they should steer clear of them. Just help them make an informed choice as you do here (for which a million thanks).
Personnally I have asked two professional therapists if i was borderline, they said my symptoms were not bad enough to get the diagnosis. Yet I feel so much self loathing for what I put my partners through (mainly by always leaving them at the slightest upset that becomes uncontrolably intolerable in my eyes) that i have completely given up on relationships although there are still men drawn to me and trying to change my mind, and although my celibate life feels poor and incomplete. As usual for the topic, the comments come mainly from survivors who say how horrible it is to be with a borderliner. I have witnessed it is and don't want in anyway to downplay your hurt , but as a grown up, you can walk away from a partner, (it's more complicated if it's a family member). If you don't walk away, you have mainly yourself to blame. But borderliners can never walk away from themselves, and you don't know how terrible that feeling is, unless you have experienced it yourself. Thank you professor Vaknin for showing us a less black and white view ('the only option is run'). I hope one day you will be as mild towards narcissists, because if it is true that you are one, they desserve some mildness too.
I understand what you say. I believe I'm a BPD patient. My relationships have never lasted long enough in spite of no matter how much I tried, some way or the other I've pushed everyone away. I'm so young and still I feel I know the feeling of giving up on love and relationships. I don't know what kind of life awaits me in my future but I hope we shall take what comes to us as happily and peacefully possible for us. God bless.
The only reason I reply to comments on posts like such is, I see people like myself hurting or just trying to be understood. I see you. I believe you. Take care.
@@priyasrivastava333 you’re very kind. Hopefully you will encounter stable , trustworthy and loving people to help you on your journey. Maybe in your lifetime there will be an effective treatment to ‘re-programme’ the brains of people that have been traumatized in one way or another and therefore have attachment problems. (Maybe with something along the lines of EMDR). Never give up 🤗
9 years with him. I'm exhausted. He disguarded me 2 months ago. I can't get over it. Most intense relationship of my life.
This is the best description I have found on borderline to date, and it's his birthday...I'm so upset.I wish I'd seen this years ago, then maybe I'd never have lost him.
I would take him back in a heart beat, but he will never talk to me again. He ran back to his friend (whom he'd discarded for me - not that I'd wanted him to)
He improved in some ways towards the end, it was almost as if we were swapping places...
Thank you Doctor. This has helped me to make sense of the best roller coaster of my life.
Alice: why would you take someone back like this who you found exhausting and intense?
@@escalera601 because borderlines are the opposite of each (love and hate) on the spectrum.
When it's bad, it's BAD, but when it's good it's GOOD. It's like an addiction. They train you to want the high (or the deep intense feeling of happiness and love) which they make you believe you cannot find with another person.
You spend ALL your time walking the eggshells and working to keep getting the GOOD. By human nature, we want what we've worked for.
It's sick, it's twisted and they KNOW what they're doing.
I miss the highs it's true, but overall I'm steady now and MUCH better off without him.
Think of it this way, someone who was addicted to say, alcohol, drugs, sex, food, whatever, will miss it at times, but they know it's destructive, so hopefully stay clear - same thing.
Best advice is, stay the f away from borderlines, NEVER get involved in the first place.
Unfortunately, most people don't know it's a rollercoaster till they're half way through.
It's never too late to get off tho. Good luck with your journey, stay true to yourself and who you were before you met the thing that WILL destroy your life/relationships.
@@escalera601 and there's NOTHING you can do that will ever be good enough for people like that.
Maybe you are a narcisst or bordeline too. Watch Sam's other videos.
How is it our responsibility to deal with an intimate partner that's basically a unregulated toddler who needs to be mothered and taught life skills and emotional maturity...but like worse? This is crazy and codependent as heck. Am I wrong?
You're not wrong, which is why everyone advises against such a relationship. That being said, a lot of people find themselves in the sauce before they even realise, and by that point they are already in love and of course wants to try to save the relationship. Unlikely to work though, of course.
Only so many fish in the sea
4 years with a border . 1 passion + 1 Love + 1 crisis + 1 caos
Borderline +somatic narcissist = very painfull relationship.
You're absolutely right.. I have borderline personality disorder..my last bf was a somatic narcissist.. it was a nightmare. .. the fighting.. the pain .. the hurt .. therapy for the past 11 months is helping me .
Endless suffering that ends in CPTSD. Been there.
This is the best one you’ve done, Sam. Genius
Getting involved with someone with borderline traits will give you some golden moments in love but you need to be Dr Sam Vanakin at all other times.
Let me put what Dr Sam said in worldly sense. 1)Love is irreplacable. They can have a healing touch. Emotionally as well as physically. You will crave for more. This makes you addicted to the subject.
2) the distorted reality and paranoia implicates you most of the times. You would be left confused and would be defending yourself half of the time.
3) They would be unreasonable, acting like emotional fools, childlike with no sense of responsibility.
4) Sometimes you'd like it if they go out of their way to help a puppy, but next day they'd be found extending their empathy to an ex who has successfully manipulated his way back in.
5) You would be constantly insecure about whether you are able to keep them reassured or not. But like Dr Sam said they could go on a reckless flirting spree with no consideration for your emotions. The rules you imposed on yourself have no meaning to them. You'd feel anger, guilt and confusion.
6) You will get acknowledgement for your pain and sometimes even apology but the next day would be the same again.
You guessed it right. My story. I say not worth it. Go for it if you have had a stable life and want to experience and manage the rollercoaster. But if you have had enough on your plate, you are going to regret it.
I choose peace.
Vaknin.
Exactly. I want to share my life with someone I love, not with someone I look at as a frustrating rubik's cube that I have to scramble and re-solve every day. Life is already a challenge full of problems I need to solve. I need a teammate to help me challenge life, not each other.
"Never, for the sake of peace and quiet, deny your own experiences or convictions." (or something like that - Dag Hammershield)
bless you, this is a wealth of great knowledge. I'm 1 year in and have been learning all I can but have paid the piper as well. It's certainly one of the hardest relationships I've had but her love makes it all worth it and I always tell her that. I have never been loved by anyone the way you do.
11:15 For 20 years I managed to do this, but the thing that wrecked it all is that for those same 20 years, my BPD father-in-law was directly competing against me for the "pivotal role". In the end, he won. In his late 70s, he was able to break her with his victimization/woe-is-me guilt tripping. I believe that since he is the original sinner that caused her trauma to begin with, it was futile for me to even believe I had a chance against his evil hand. I could not convince her to remember the horrible ways her toxic family treated her in the past, so I could not give her continuity with me.
Thank you so much Professor Vaknin iv learned so much from your videos. The way you explain things so in depth I can actually begin to understand my self and the women I love.
About 2 months ago she ended our 10 year relationship.
She is 52 years old and im 48. For the majority of the relationship I contributed her behaviors to menapause. I had told myself to just be patient and it will pass some day.
Obviously it never did that's why iv been searching for a way to understand my mistakes.
In all the ways you described your attractions to boarderline women it's the same for me. When I think of her and see her I see how loving she is and noone makes me feel the way she can( Good and Bad)
I made so many mistakes all of the ones you explained. I always put everything on me hoping it would just end the fighting. I know that watching some videos will not make me be able to fix things in the future. But it's a relief to finally have an idea of the areas iv failed and at least an understanding of what I need to do.
Towards the end of the relationship when she would withdraw from me and give me the silent treatment I would always just isolate myself from her because rejection from the women you love hurts like nothing else.
I'd start of trying to be understanding and get her out of it but eventually once my feelings were hurt or if I felt I was losing her I'd act out saying cruel things back at her.
It hit me hard when you said you have to be kind and loving. I realized years ago that I'm probably a little too sensitive at times. And when it's someone I love and my feelings get hurt anger will take over almost to protect myself.
Thank you again Professor I look forward to being able to learn and understand myself and people I care about better.
What would you do differently when she is taking space?
Thank you Prof. S. Vaknin, for your very well said' and done' presentation. You produced all the hard facts with tremendous skill and easy understanding. I BPD continuously question why I cannot retain information about my where, why, when, or the lost time. I always refer to being in a time warp. It's frightening and always rapidly quick. Also the self harm and suicidal tendencies are so sporadic and painful but mostly out of Rage. I do refer to myself as an angry young woman sadly. I have been gifted with a great sense of humour which helps guide through the darkness. Thanks again Sam x
Having a BPD narc gf is pointless. They will break your heart.
What a dangerous and toxic thing to say. I think it's more accurate to say that about toxic people who don't want to heal, in general. And NPD are BPD are different. Idk if you can be both so easily. Narcissists are horrible, but even they are capable if they want to change. I'd never be with a narcissist. It's be able to with most anyone who agreed to work on themselves. Sorry, I'm just defensive because my sister is BPD and she's really misunderstood and very sweet. As her favorite person, I know it's hard to handle her. But you just have to realize it's mostly cptsd and learn how to support someone in that way, if you have the motivation to love them and stay. They're just a lot of work because their parents never taught them better.
@@DelphineTheWorstBladeEver I tried everything.The rage and the disrespect was too much for me.
I love these videos. Learning about my personality disorder is so insightful. It’s like you explained exactly what I feel and how I act.
Have you stopped hurting people?
@@kbmrigveda5419 yes Iv stopped 🥰😘
@@humaali2742 Now you are Ali. Be love.
@@claudiobozzolo3233 not helpful. Avoidance of intimate relationships may be a better suggestion.
I'm learning about my bpd too after my most hellish years. 3 years ago i started to transition to reclusive lifestyle. I moved away from my friends and family changed my numbers deleted my accounts and ghosted any one who was interested in me. Now i just work alot, and drink alot alone... ( 3 weeks sober tho girrrl) its been 3 years of avoidance and self hatred. Lawd ha'mercy I just want to be a normal person.
I never do the pull away for any other reason than, I’m seeing things that make me believe they are going to leave me, so I want to avoid that pain and need to try and leave them before they can leave me
That’s sad.
Thank you for sharing all your insights, Prof. Vaknin! Your uploads are very, very helpful.
So True!!! When a borderline loves you!! It’s like no other feeling in the world!! No one loves like a bpd woman.
Have not watched but I definitely have described my past BPD partners as Sirens. Most definitely. They are probably what they greek were talking about.
Dear Prof. Vankin, you are superb
This video is extremely insightful. However, by attempting to employ all the techniques mentioned, anyone involved with a borderline is essentially abandoning themself to figure out the borderline’s 24/7 mind fuggery.
That man would be me...
...Just kidding, it’s been 6 months since our breakup, I would totally take he back. Being with her is equal to the pain of not.
@@CraigBozUK Beware the anger of a patient man.
i didnt know until it was too late. She became violent. I went to jail after disarming her, she took a knife to herself and my things. I wasnt charged but in that cell i knew the trauma bond was real. I wish I couldve helped her while she was still here. she went back home states away, left all her belongings and heirlooms. I miss her, Love her, but theres no getting through. I'm hated, not sure if I was ever loved.. object constancy,, all these terms.. its been 2 months.. im learned now, i wish I knew before.
I did a lot of these things you mentioned naturally, but if i knew there was a disorder I wouldn't have been so helpless
she is so beautiful. I do not feel I'll feel the same way about a woman ever.. but its time to take care of myself.. sheesh. I do love her, despite the cheating, rage, lack of accountability etc.
surprised on your take after I finally convinced myself to let go. Not sure if she is BPD or NPD,, I believe there is a spectrum.. she displayed all of it. But enchantress.. thats the key word. God Bless us all
No thanks I've been there it's a emotional roller-coaster from hell ups n downs you never know what they thinking in there distorted brain I think I will stay single
Best video! You described me perfectly and I pray that my bf thinks I’m worth it.
I have a very abusive borderline addict/alcoholic in my home. Bipolar but abuses the meds to get high then goes unmedicated and drug seeking. Refuses counseling, because she can only lie. Has had PTSD from horrific abuses and rapes. I believe she's got multiple personalities due to conversations, changing appearance. She may be facing prison. Could not complete community service. Can I get her committed before they throw her into what will probably destroy what is left of her mind.
This is me to a T!!! I am so shocked I’ve never felt so understood .. thank you 😊
Sam, my ex narcissist boyfriend who I lived with for one year and six months before I left him : he cheated on me in the beginning our relationship. This borderline he paraded in front of me , even picking me up for church while I had be subjected to the borderlines abuse inside of the car . I was shaking the entire time ( I suffer from childhood PTSD ) . I left the church, I mean I ran from the church. I ran to a cafe and got tea and a cake , calmed my nerves and made a call to the narcissist boyfriend breaking up . He leaves the borderline in the pew and goes to the bathroom and calls proclaiming his love . But that he’d never had such a younger woman and that the relationship wouldn’t last . One week later, I’m still suffering from the fact that he never once spoke up for me while the borderline was tearing me to pieces inside the car. The narcissist then came to my door , when I failed to show up for church . He gave a Leonardo DiCaprio performance on my door step to me “ I will always love you and if that woman doesn’t want me to see you then I’m going to tell her to go to hell . He whisk me away for dinner and romance . Yet he said nothing about telling the borderline that he was in love with me . He never kissed me either and kept seeing this borderline for the rest of November and even took her to thanksgiving to meet his family. This relationship with the borderline ended the first of December or so he says . This borderline staked us a whole year! Thank you Sam 🙏
@@silvio.r8443 sorry that happened to you ❤️ take care
Only did 41 days with mine. I am not a PhD psychologist and don't have time to put up with all this drama. Very difficult to separate. Best sex I ever had though but I realized that "she" was not there. It was a pose and act. Very serious shit guys. Run run run!
I'm borderline; he has alexithymia. How can I stop getting so triggered by his inability to communicate on an emotional level? The cognitive dissonance is real. One minute, I only see the (probably neurodiverse) beauty that I'm in love with; the next minute, he's the persecutory object - an evil covert narcissist who wants nothing more than to discard me. I still don't know which, if any, of these two selves are truly him. It's very dysregulating when you can't express or communicate on an emotional level. How can I ground myself in reality? Your videos are my world - thankyou.
I spent 30 years surfing this wave, from incredible high to another, with gusto! Eventually, it was time to stop and my own sanity improved 10,000 times. While they were worth it, in the end, slowing down to 25 mph saved my life.
Ladies... There's hope! That's longer than the average marriage nowadays and he seems ... Fine? :')
@@megankate4722 it wasn’t one over a long time. It was a selection. A type if you will... by choice. Until...
Ah I see :) in that case❤
ruclips.net/video/oIFLtNYI3Ls/видео.html
Amazing.. I understand this perfectly I’m not sure I can commit to this I need to look after myself and my happiness
This is my favourite video. I felt the care Dr. Vaknin has in this regard. So true as well if I look at what has helped me in therapy and in life, as a person who was in the least a budding borderline.
If you want to stop a vice. Film yourself doing it.
If its disgusting you, youll stop.
Pure gold. Thank youuu
Like Anna Karenina - blaming acting out with Vronsky on her demons. (As it was in a movie :) ). Amazing video. Thank you.
I wish I’d have watched this video some years ago, to help him in the right time. Now he is deeply grounded in the black hole and won’t listen 😢💔 don’t know what I can do more to help him and in the same moment try to help myself.
It's crazy how accurate this is
This is very useful to me! Thanks very much!