Why are Women Attracted to Bad Boys? | Recovery Mum & Dr. Grande Collaboration
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- Опубликовано: 8 фев 2019
- This video is a collaboration between RecoveryMum and Dr. Grande. We answer the question: Why are women attracted to "bad boys"?
Check out Recovery Mum's channel here: / @recoverymum
The dark triad comprises three personality traits narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism. When we think of the dark triad, we think of narcissism as the ‘lightest trait’ and psychopathy as the ‘darkest trait.’ These different traits have characteristics in common like empathy deficits, selfishness, a short-term mating style, as well as being competitive, antisocial, hedonistic, and having antagonism. We can think of antagonism as a low score on the agreeableness trait of the five-factor model.
Narcissism in the dark triad is really grandiose narcissism. We see characteristics like arrogance, being socially dominant, being self-centered, a sense of entitlement, and a tendency to manipulate others (we see this characteristic with all three of the dark triad traits). Psychopathy characteristics include callousness; a lack of empathy, remorse, or guilt; violating society's norms; being irresponsible; being impulsive; having shallow effect; and superficial charm. The trait of Machiavellianism includes antisocial behaviors, but they're usually conceptualized as white-collar crime. We also see cynicism, having good impulse control (so this would differentiate Machiavellianism from psychopathy), callousness and being goal-oriented (usually we conceptualize the goal as being negative).
Josephs, L. (2018). Fatal attractions: The Dark Triad and infidelity. In The dynamics of infidelity: Applying relationship science to psychotherapy practice. (pp. 89-111). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
![mgk - I Think I’m OKAY (with YUNGBLUD) (Sad Version) [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/7AC1uqQLIg4/mqdefault.jpg)
Wait, is Dr Grande in a house? I thought he lived in his office, the same way teachers presumably live under the school buildings.
Vi Haze He lives under his office.
Not UNDER the school buildings. Push up a ceiling tile at a school sometime and you'll see our penthouses up there.
You didn't know that?
"Under the school"... no, they live under their desks, when the last student leaves the classroom they crawl under the desk and go into a 16 hour hibernation, they eat chalk and drink water from the goldfish aquarium... fascinating creatures they are!
This killed me with laughter ^
Can you say, coronavirus stay the fuck home?
"The bad boy" unfortunately that bad boy we first thought as our protector, is usually the person we need protecting from.
Yeah, and she likes them. And she's not the only one.
Bad girls go for bad boys and that's the way it should be. Leave the good guys to get the good girls.
@B0omer96 lol don't be a "friend" if a girls taken leave her alone and don't pretend to care to try hook up with her and then be butt hurt when she's not keen. She most likely complains to the guy she's dating about you just as much and if you meet in a club and he rolls you then you only have your self to blame. I am guessing you are young.
@B0omer96 oh cool, yeah you get it 100%. I always find it worrying for young guys especially. I remember a long time ago I had a girlfriend that would always whine about a guy at work hitting on her only to find out she would complain about me all the time. I met this guy out in clubs and was heaps nice to him and he was almost confused but standoffish and awkward. I am physically way stronger than this guy. I found out my ex was leading him on for attention. I asked her "what if I beat this guy half to death in an alleyway would that bother you?" She replied, "I think that would be kind of hot." She was a pretty nice girl but young and foolish. Guys catering to these women have no idea the trouble they can get into and it's good that you get it. Quite often these girls don't give a damn about you even if you were in danger or even if they put you there.
@@PeterKato83 "pretty nice girl" maybe on the surface but in reality she sounds like a complete bitch lmao. She gets off on making men literally fight each other for her attention. That includes someone she's meant to love. She's the opposite of nice.
Duuudddddde. I aint seen u smile till now dude.
AvedisBahramian how not to ;)
@AvedisBahramian
To be fair to Dr Grande, it's awfully difficult to smile at a camera if you're stuck in front of one by yourself without looking a little "fake" full stop - let alone when discussing such serious topics! To interview someone and not smile at them whatsoever, would be just as inappropriate, I think. Beyond that, I suppose we'll never really know...
Its because doctor is in real conversation with someone engaging in the conversation.
I think Todd's a bit smitten! 😍
@@polly6336 yes that and that we don't normally see him in real conversation
Dr. Grande most defenitely does not meet the diagnostical criteria of a bad boy.
That’s why we love him. ❤️
Sure you do...
Of course we don't analyze anyone in this video...
@Mr. Layth Adrian lol ;)
Awesome 😀😁
And I wouldn't have him any other way. Dr Grande is perfect just the way he is.
The thrill of the chase, also “let me fix you!” 😂😂
As Onkel Heinrich (Uncle Henry) was fond of saying, "Well, there's nothing wrong with me that my wife and her mother can't fix." Then he'd clear his throat sarcastically and let out an all-knowing sigh. 😂
I don't know why it's funny when it leads to women being beaten raw on a daily basis, honestly I've always been your choice your consequences I still am but I thought you as a women would at least care more than me lol
I agree. All this talk about the "bad boy" being able to protect the woman is BS. A man does not have to be a bad boy to be tough. Women who are attracted to bad boys want a man to fix.
@@snowforest4159 I shouldn't joke about this, because it's wrong "when you play stupid games you win stupid shit." These women seems to be hell-bent on getting beaten by men who are walking alarm bells. It does make you wonder if they lack common sense and CAN'T detect threats or lacking of intelligence....
It's the mother gene. Help the wounded puppy on the street corner.
Why is your top button undone for this thumbnail? Savage!
Flex those pecs doc.
Lol!!! Cute comment.
Yesss very strikingly risque...I think that and showing his bed! And the smiling is purely setting the scene as if role playing with those cues and those alone of a bad boy. Happy to tell you TODD, you just dont fit the profile of anyone's idea of a bad boy!
Bad boy outfit for this vid
I loved this. It had a podcast feel to it. I think you would do very well with more long form communication segments like this. Good stuff, Doctor.
Yes!! I agree about Dr Grande and longer segments
It is SOoooooo nice to see you smile, Doctor!!!
Isn't that sexual harassment?
It IS great to see you smile.
It IS a nice smile, isn't it?
I think it may have something to do with feeling special ....for having a man who seems aggressive toward people and seems like he doesn't really care that much about others, spend his time with you and treat you differently than you see him treating everyone else. It's like that ridiculous twilight movie with the vampire who falls in love with the girl... It seemed like every female on the planet wanted to be that girl who was able to "tame the monster" with her beauty and essence...or whatever. It's really weird to me for anyone to think that way, but I believe going into a relationship with a "bad boy" has a lot to do with how special it makes the woman feel. Like out of everything in the world, I'm the one thing that makes this scary and uncontrollable man tame and emotionally open to only me, and he loves nothing but me.
Around 17mins in, that's in line with what my initial thoughts about this topic were.
Yeah I agree with this statement
That also comes from false notion from other women in her life that if he loves you he will change . Beauty and the beast phenomenon. She falls for the love bombing or his power of worldly controls. ...and. pays life shattering price for it. Recless optimism?
goes in line with what was discussed in the video tho, women are getting more narcissistic. My ex actually said she gave a snarky smile at other girls when she was with her past bfs bit anecdotal but you get the point.
When a girl had a crush on me I was always like "wtf did I do?" Now I understand that I was being a douchebag.
It's honestly fucked up, it's dysfunctional, it's bad for society, it's bad for children, and it kinda makes me not respect women that much.
Dr you look so humble and soft spoken. Indeed, you are extremely knowledgeable intelligent. I love all your videos.
Smart people don’t need to be pompous, aggressive and their exhibitionary selves.. that’s usually the ones who need constant validation, sense of power (“I can’t control myself but I can control you & others. 😂Check that!”), and the ones who have no depth and substance to them.
I love how he throws in random jokes into his videos but says them all serious, it's great! How do you keep a straight face lol
I am more attracted to reasonable or wise people (partners or friends) Is that also a revolutionary adaptation? Smarter animals survive?
I think the Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome really does play a huge role in the fantasies of women who are enamoured with psychopaths.
Shout out to recovery mum. I adore her and she's helped me so much in dealing with my charge these last 2 years. She's doing better than ever and I let her watch Shehrina's channel when there's something specific to her behaviour. Thanks Dr. Grande. ❤
❤❤❤
This was really eye opening. Many times the women I dated broke up with me because i was too nice. In there previous relationships, they were used to alcoholics or drug dependent men or physically abusive. I am none of these. Are there that many "bad boys" out there that have ruined it for us "good guys"?
These women have unhealthy bonding traits and are attracted to unhealthy men with similar traits.
These two have nice chemistry. Dr Grande is smiling the whole time. She’s very sweet and beautiful.
Personally, I think its a self-esteem thing. If you respect yourself, you won't be interested in someone so unhealthy for you. If you require a daily kick-in-the-shin, a "bad boy" is your type.
Bruh simple as
Yes, my husband and I were friends for a year before we started dating-we dated for 5 years -including living together before getting married-we have now been married 27 years. He my best friend-that friendship has helped us through so much in life. When someone asked how we have stayed together and happy, playful with each other-there are a few reasons but the first one that jumps in my head is-I like him, I really like him, I joy his company-we have fun together, then the second thing is communicating-we have meetings-😂 especially as we change through the years-respect each other.
And on the bad boy thing-I’ve never been attracted to bad boys-I love smart, creative, kind, thoughtful men-my husband all those and more 😁
Just found your channel Dr. Todd Grande-love it-love your voice-and the way you breakdown cases has me really thinking differently-hmmm
Just out of curiosity, how many times have you cheated on him to keep the flame alive? I mean, women cheat to save their marriages right? Or so they tend to report. So, how many times for you?
"Bad boy thing" - Me too, but they can be just a little bit bad, occasionally.
@@GladiatorH2Modz 😂😂😂
@@slardebard you incels are actually hilarious
Wooow. That makes so much sense. Such a simple explanation. Thank you !
Cool mic, Doc
Thank you! It's a Blue Snowball -
Everything's COOOOL ABOUT DR. GRANDE 👍🤓👍
I think the impression of boring/mellow/dull vs. dynamic/adventurous/sexy is huge. There's also chemistry. We rarely take sex into account. Once intimacy is involved, and the sexual chemistry is powerful, then it's really hard to quit that relationship.
You think it has something to do with risk taking?
@@h.borter5367 That would involve the "adventurous" aspect, no?
I think dominant/bad boys are callous with sex and so they involve them a lot early on to trap women by chemistry
It's a common personality type to just "go with things." I've met so many girls who swore off datings, guys, or "want a break from it," "I'd never date a guy I work with," etc.....And they end up doing doing so once they met the person they feel the connection with.. It's often a "He asked so I took the plunge and went with it." It goes both ways..If a girl approached a guy he was attracted to and said something, he'd likely "give it a try."
What happens often in bad relationship situations is that we get so emotionally invested into it (literal time and feelings) that it's hard to just let it go.. This happens with people in pyramid schemes, they invested time & money into it to where they usually won't just give up until getting something out of it. This is where confirmation bias comes in,, we start to see & where what we want to see and hear. I'd say 70% break away and grow wiser from it..Some don't and go right back into another pyramid scheme.
@@Tgogators that isn't the same at all lol. Love and sex literally affect your mind on a chemical level similar to drugs
Dr. Grande you have a lovely smile. Thank you for sharing it every once in a while. I’m an old lady so it’s not a creepy comment: it’s more of a motherly comment. 😌
Obviously when women compliment its not creepy even if it's married women
I think we 'gravitate' toward familiar. Childhood experiences good or bad form a basis for subconscious familiarity, IMvHO.
Yess so few people talked about this yet it’s so true
Relationship between our mom and dad became models of our future relationships
I agree that it seems to be the peat and repeat of even unpleasant circumstances that one has moved on from....or so you thought you had. I'd be content if I was able to find a better method of dealing with a problem childhood but redundancy and no perceived growth or new knowledge is a bore.
It’s so good to see you smile, Dr. Grande! 😊
Interesting .☺I never heard this topic from this POW . Calling someone from the dark triad a bad boy is an understatement .
There is perceived prestige in being chosen by someone who, apparently, doesn’t value anyone else.
I've always wondered about this for the longest time. As a woman I find bad boys very off-putting.
I still don’t understand it to this day.
Recovery mom seems really stupid. There you are, describing really gruesome symptoms and she is laughing very inappropriately. Something is really wrong with her!
Agreed.
@@miriamadahan1730 Nah you're the only one coming off as stupid, she has borderline personality disorder and doesn't react how most people would. But if you ever took the time to understand why someone has a reaction, instead of jumping to judge it, you might not seem so adorably ignorant.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 YOUR SPOT ON!
The part of your personality that you repress will often be expressed in your mate or "other half" or " mirror". You can only be bored if there is something else you would rather be doing. Covering up boredom with chaos doesn't really solve boredom, it just covers it up. You are also only lonely if you wish to be with someone. You can be lonely with someone. You can be alone and not ever feel lonely.
Thank you so much Dr. Grande for such enrichment.
As soon as I am attracted to someone, I know they can be defined by the dark triad. It’s really unsettling, they say one out of 100 people are clinical psychopaths, and I’m only attracted to 1-2 people per year and 100% of the time, they admit to me sooner than later (almost bragging) about how heartless and cold they can be, and I get hot under the collar. I am the common denominator. I’m working hard to heal, not dating, studying my own weaknesses and co/counter dependent behaviors.
Are you sure of what it is you are doing? It sounds to me like you might need to find a really intuitive and experienced counselor to figure this out. From what you say, it isn't obvious what you're doing, or that you are causing this. When you see the terrible, criminal side, do you find it hard to walk away, or do you run in the other direction? If you extricate yourself quickly and deftly (they move on, don't stalk you), don't be sure you are doing something that's hard to figure out and stop. You probably can. In fact, I'm sure you can.
Yes working on yourself is good. Also find friends! Have a life of your own. Also educate by watching Dr Grande’s videos. I think you can desensitise by his criminal analysis videos and bring your subconscious up.
Also bear in mind that partners suffer the most from the abusive people because it’s easy to get hands on in the same house. Let your fear for life and survival instincts of that part overcome this attraction intellectually
Yeah. It may be best to get professional help. Exclusively being attracted to sociopaths or even psychopaths likely means you have some deep rooted issues.
This is a fascinating topic that I'm very grateful to Grande for addressing. So much of society seems to revolve directly and indirectly around this pivotal relationship dynamic.
And for a nice guy, certainly vindicating.
Don't think in the binary. One could also may be a limp wristed, coward type that high value women despise after just taking one glance at.
@@singularity844 ...what?
Grande is a great interviewer. It was very interesting and I've never seen him do this before. Please do more interviews!
This format is soooo much more watchable. Thanks.
The bottomless pit analogy is gold.
I have just recently found Dr. Grande's videos & channel & have only been watching your videos for approximately a month now.This is the first time I have seen Recovery Mum or seen him do a video with another person & I thought it was excellent!! I will be checking out Recovery Mum's channel now. :) I love the topic & thought you both interacted great together & covered a lot. I worked at a psych hospital for 7 years back in the 2000's & worked in the mental health field in the community for about 5 years after that. I am still interested in almost any topic related to mental health. I am not a doctor or an expert but I do read a lot on many issues in this area & I am still and always have been fascinated by human behavior. Thanks for taking the time to record these videos & post them for all of us to watch.
I also think that many women see the "Bad Boy" (Notice Boy is used not Man) as someone who could be manipulated to do things that women fantasize about but don't have the courage to do by themselves. Knowing all the time if there are repercussions they can fall back into the, "I'm just a victim also and he made me do it."
Plausible deniability
I feel today that most women are interested just in being entertained all of the time! Life comes with a lot of heavy decisions that have to be met, so to escape from those feelings they seek out the bad boy image so they don't have to deal with their own reality.
I think women are much better at hiding narcissistic traits. My mom is definitely a narcissistic, and she’s very good at acting like a normal likable person in public places. Some people might see through it, but a lot of people don’t. Maybe now that women aren’t being so expected to behave a certain way in public, the narcissistic traits might be more easily identifiable.
TLDR version: Women are biologically attracted to dominance because in subcommunicates leadership and competence. The person does not have to be a criminal per say, but just make his own rules and show an independent spirit. This really stands out from the average man and women are drawn to this like a magnet.
Then I'm not a woman.
No, I'm not a woman either then. Dominant men are over bearing.
Attract people with less self esteem and confidence
So women confuse dominance with leadership
Lol, no. There are plenty of dominant women who prefer submissive men. It goes any which way
I think there should be more Dr Grande and Recovery Mum videos, I think they are a good dynamic and Recovery Mum asks questions that viewers may have.
It could be for different reasons, such as being the "good girl" type (possible saviour complex, or ego boost), or thinking you can tame the bad boy. Or maybe being bad a bad girl = double trouble, partner in crime, a fling, etc.
Small Children, Horses and Dogs.Can be trained,
Adults, not so much.
Bad girl needs her match!!
Being with bad guys gives excitement and ‘chemistry’
A bad boy is stronger than a nice guy, therefore more capable of protecting their offspring. It's in our DNA.
Some people can't change. If you accept that you're s***ed.
I enjoy watching these two converse so much! I get a yin yang vibe. Cool collaboration
Thank you both for these very interesting insights. I want to share 2 examples from personal observation:
I think daughters who grew up in a family where one or both parents have dark triad personality, have a tendency to be drawn to these "bad guys" and call it "love at first sight".
1. observation: When life is all about survival and not to be abondened - these daughters have survived in a similar environment and think they know how to cope with it in the long term.
Exp: I once had to save a young woman I knew, who ran into my apartment at midnight, telling her alcoholic boyfriend abused her physically; and I was the only person nearby, she could think of to escape to. Long story short: after calling the police , med reports, courts etc.. when she had developed trust in me, I asked her why such a economically independent, pretty, intelligent, warm hearted, successfull young woman like she, who would have so many alternatives for a committed relationship with a "good boy", picked such a horrible "bad boy". And asked her instinctively if her father was an alcoholic and "bad boy" too... She started crying and said "yes". Her father owned a bar, from where she had to pull him home every early morning; she had taken care of him in his last days when he was dying (from alcoholism caused illness) , he was so thankfull to her because she took care of him etc... I asked her if she ever dated a normal guy ? And yes she had dated a brilliant guy in her own standarts, with a wonderfull family, they were about to get married, but she left him because she fell in love with this horrible man. And guess what - she returned to this bad guy , with horrible traits a year later, saying she deeply loved him, and could help him to beat alcoholism, only to be beaten up horribly again and again ... I don't know what she is doing now, but this "charming" man (who has no job etc, but economically completely dependent to his mother) is married to another pretty woman in the mean time, who has a very good job - and I hear from mutual friends that he still drinks and beats her too.. They tell these woman a few emotional, touching things from their childhood, why they have these dark traits, and the woman tries to save /heal him for the cost of destroying herself.
2. observation : the feelings of children who grow up with dark triad / emotionally absent parents are not validated -may not trust their gut but rather listen to "words" Having been emotionally abused in their childhood, they look for protection and safety above all - and these "bad boys" are very convincing in the early stages of a relationship like you also mentioned in the video.
Yes, relationship is our highest experience/education. We have the opportunity to grow & have the light shine on our shadow. Then a new choice to make a different/higher choice. How we ‘do’ relationships is a big part of our life experience, a way to be grown. All we can do is provide the proper environment of growth to happen. Like we don’t grow the vegetables in our garden, we can supply the best environment for growth to happen. There is something greater than us. 🌞 There is a Top Down view, greater than the Bottom Up view.
This is so good and you should do more of these discussion with recovery mum. I also like the topic which was very interesting and hey you learn something new everyday! Thanks for this lovely live discussion, Dr Grande!
😘😘😘
@@RecoveryMum how are you doing girl
@@cdorothy444 Hey my lovely, I'm ok thank you. Had a LOT go on this year but will be back soon with a vid explaining everything xxx
A friend of mine calls the whole 'Ted Bundy is hot' situation "the tethered lion phenomenon". Meaning that he was only hot, to some women, because of his real danger, coupled with the perceived security that his imprisonment during the trial offered these women. He was literally like a lion on a chain, still dangerous within the arc of his tether, but so long as they could stand just outside of that bubble, they could reap all of the titillation that comes with being in danger without any of the risk. If he had been granted pretrial release I seriously doubt that very many, if any, of these women would have approached him.
Good insight.
Strange that they find murderous psychopathy dangerously thrilling at all
Women are a strange bunch huh? Haha
I suspect in many cases it's a form of narcissism. "I am special. I can change him. He won't hurt me. I will control him."
Victims always are attracted to what is familiar, and in this case, that is the abusive personality of a "bad boy"
grande triumphs over his arch nemesis the the "bad boy" with his heartfelt cerebralism
Cerebralism lmao 😂
Yes
There's a nice smile!. Another reason to watch your channel. 😌☮️💟☯️
I enjoyed this format. It struck a good balance between layman perspective and expertise - there was a slight element of conjecture which made it accessible, but it was more substantive than speculation.
Thank you!
I’m going to share this in my Facebook group, “Take Back Your Life MTL” 😊
in my observations in life. women go for the badboy, have a child or two, divorce and then try and find a good nice guy to help them raise their kids from the bad boy marriage.
Don't forget about the shaming. That's always part of the process.
Well, at least they were able to lestm from their experience, right?
Not always; though a lot of guys do think this. Even in HS it can be spotted. Young pretty girl from a nice family gets hooked up with the poor down & out "bad boy".
I think it's more because the bad boy has more of a flippant attitude & the girl ends up feeling more a sense of relief from her prescribed role.
Check out princess Anne & the Pool Boy movie.
The thing is that many of thèse Bad boys are perfectly good boys AT thé beggining... UP until a certain point. By then, the victim is trapped. With or without kids. I'm not talking about men who appears Bad boys. A Friend of mine just escaped a sicko who was perfect up until the day she gave birth to their son... Dark triad.
I love how dr grande basically talks exactly the same way with everybody and in every video 😂
Hello Dr. Todd Grande! Please also analyze the impact of patterns imposed by movies, television, novels, music and any other sources. We know that people easily build wrong stereotypes and ideas, and that they copy the behavior of others.
Teachers sleep on their desks (or carts if they travel from classroom to classroom) at night. They take showers in the school locker rooms and do their laundry in the home economics room. For food they scavenge uneaten food from the teachers lounge fridge.
If you become the person you are created to be, you will set the world on fire. - Catherine of Siena
Elephant in the room: Height/Face/Frame as crucial variables. A genuine dark triad type who scores low on all phenotypic traits isn't going to go far with his badness and won't even be referred to as a "bad boy" in the first place, despite displaying the same behavioral (non-phenotypic) tendencies as the taller, broader and more facially attractive guys. Watch out for the trappings of euphemistic speak when discussing this topic.
Great point
@lolroflkartoffel123 this comment isn't totally true. Ted Bundy is hardly a "Chad," most grown men could beat him to death. He had a pretty good jawline but again his looks was nothing too amazing. Put him next to Brad Pitt and take his fame away and girls wouldn't look twice at him. He had charisma which is what made him dangerous and attractive to women. Also Charles Manson was a non "Chad"- like 5'2 pimp that had a dozen chicks on the regular and they literally murdered for him.
@lolroflkartoffel123 In my view, you're drowning a somewhat good point in wayyyy too much genetic determinism. Attractiveness counts for a lot, but behavioural aspects have a large impact as well (and actually, pro-social traits like kindness seem to matter the most, after attractiveness). You can actually hear about this on some of Dr. Grande's other videos.
Short men with happy relationships do exist, you know. There's too much of this over-reliance on genetics peddled by insecure men trying to feel superior (not saying that about you, but it's rife and it's poisoning this entire subject.)
I'm 5'6, was 110 emaciated, but I've never had problems with women COMING TO ME only to be disappointed 😂
Each of these traits is actually dissociated from eachother.
I for example like all the traits of attractive woman, but rate ass WAY above everything else. Like legit way above.
Women who grow up with abusive parents often become dependent on them, and also develop dependent traits, along with submissive coping style in response to dominant parents. This lends itself well, like pieces of a puzzle that fit together, like a dance, with a narcissist or dominant partner, who prefers a partner who is submissive automatically without question, and who also has low self esteem. It is common that women who have borderline p.d. also have dependent traits, if not also dependent p.d. (extreme levels of dependency). But dependent p.d. is also a separate p.d., therefore, one must not have to have Borderline in order to have dependent p.d. or have dependent traits. The dependent woman will desire to be protected in the world, desire a dominant man, a father-figure, and to also be 'rescued' from troubles. The dominant man will desire someone to rescue so that he can feel good about himself, and also because rescuing is familiar to him. The Dominant man played the role of rescuer to his own parent (who has narcissistic traits), especially, his mother. He is now looking to transfer that dominant/submissive dyad onto his partner. He does this by "feeling her out"- looking to see if she will be submissive to him no matter what he says to her or asks of her; then, he deems her a great partner for him.
Oh damn, that kinda explains alot
Yes
Actually a lot of men fantasises about dominating women
However with feminism some women fantasise dominating men
Either way this is narc behaviour
Hanging on and just surviving. Barely.
good - having watched you noth - to see this collaboration - i can see a super summit in the future
I loved this conversation. Thanks to both of you.
Dr Grande you are beaming in such a nice way when you are smitten! It's so nice to see. So, on top of being so brillant, you're also human? But of course, lol. In a situation like this, it appears Dr Grande does not meet the criteria of a bad boy, but sure meets the one of being badass!
In the hunter-gatherer situation, usually the Alpha was the sacrificial lamb. He was the man who had the least chance of dying quickly, so others could run away. He was way out-moded. He was fighting a predatory animal.
Not necessary sacrificial. I watched some animal documentaries and found that bravery was rewarded. Pretending yourself bigger than the opponent/predator to scare them off.
I never understood the attraction to bad boys. Great video, nice to see you smile, Dr. Grande 👍
Me neither, probably why I’m in my 40s, never married, no kids. I’m too decent of a man, boring and predictable. 23 year Army retired veteran. Combat vet, with specialized training, Army officer and leader and I’m considered not bad boy enough or rough enough. I see some of these bad boy types and I don’t think they could find themselves out of a wet paper bag. Biggest mystery and one I’ll take to the grave. Why women choose the men they do.
Dr. Todd Grande 🙌🙌 excellent interview. Both of you!
I was attracted to, and had a relationship with a bad boy about 20 years ago. He was older, someone I admired and I’d know for some time. It wasn’t until a drunken evening when barriers were broken that it started. Before that, I hadn’t seen him as someone I’d have a relationship with since he was married. He was a narcissist or had narcissistic traits…and I was definitely demonstrating my own narcissism when with him. Part of it was about adventure and excitement. The intoxicating feeling of being pursued. I think father figure, rescuer was part of it. I think he reflected things I wished I had more of…courage, extroversion, material wealth, goal strategies, great ability to debate and feel empowered. He never second guessed himself…whereas I was not solid with my identity or wants in life. We had common interests…nature, travel, pondering life, books, career overlaps. It was a no win situation. I disliked myself by getting involved with someone else’s husband. At the time I remember feeling so special that he focused on me… as did he with my attention…but it was really an illusion. What started as admiration turned to repulsion. His bad boy side just seemed selfish and narcissistic over time. I also hated myself for not acting with integrity, wanting to be rescued, having my own narcissistic stuff going on. Yuck. It was a good life lesson for me.
I was with my husband for nearly ten years. Nine years in, I had our son. By the time our son was five months old he was having some sort of affair that had started online, I had become aware of the affair, I just wanted it to stop. One day I answered the phone to her and told her that he was A] married and B] had a baby son and asked her to stop contacting my husband as it was breaking our marriage up. Her response was that he would not be having an affair if he was happy with me and that was my responsibility.
He walked out on his son and I when our son was ten months old. His relationship with the mistress did not work out and she 'phoned me and asked me to take him back to stop him pestering her. I asked her what sort of doormat that she thought that I was and that given that she couldn't do the right thing and walk away from my husband when she was asked to then she would have to deal with the consequences of their break up as it was not my responsibility.
The thing is that affairs happen in a bubble, well away from the realities of every day life. Well away from the reality of work, housework, parenting and all the other responsibilities in life. The people that have affairs are usually just looking for a holiday from real life, some of them think that it could be their real life and leave their partners.
Relationships that are born of affairs frequently don't work out for 2 reasons. First there is the karma thing. At first it might be an ego rub for the mistress that this guy has left his wife for someone else, but sooner or later paranoia is likely to set in. When they come home late from work, have they really got a project with a tight deadline or is that just an excuse to cover up having dinner with the latest squeeze? After all that is the way that the 2 of you got together. Second is the fact that it might have been the cheaters fault that the marriage had got so bad that he was having an affair in the first place. If that is the case, he is likely to bring those unresolved problems into your relationship too.
As for my ex. No his relationship with his mistress did not work out. He eventually married a woman from Zimbabwe. They were married for two and a half years when he suggested her having two of her four kids to live with them. Within six months he was having sex with her fifteen year old daughter. The police were involved and he was remanded in prison for 3 weeks, but unfortunately, the fifteen year old walked into a police station and rescinded her statements and then fled the country. He was freed and he got divorced again. He is now in a relationship with another foreign woman with kids, I'd say good luck to her because she is going to need it with him.
My ex earns good money. He will never stop what he does because he sees people as objects to be manipulated to meet his ends. When life with Miss Foreigner gets boring, he will no doubt have an affair and she will be lucky if her own kids are not the recipient of his attentions. I can see a retirement ahead of him where if he can afford it he will just move to Thailand and use the sex workers out there to meet his needs, but somehow, I think it will morph into a very lonely and empty existence for him.
I’m sorry but if you talk about yourself as a doormat that’s how it’s going to be.
Having respect for yourself first and foremost and establishing healthy boundaries is paramount.
The mistress of course doesn’t know anything about love either since one she pursued married man, two she believes it is a role of the woman to keep the man happy. That’s not how that works, nobody can make ourselves happy if we are unhappy with ourselves.
Narcissists are exploitative users, they don’t really care about anyone but themselves.
The better way is to teach people how to recognize them and avoid them.
"Ted Bundy - Oh, he's quite nice actually" LOL I'm gonna get that on a t-shirt.
For millions of years of evolution females have been watching from a distance how males behave like assh*les to prove who's dominant so the female can feel safe, at the same time men are being judged all over the place for behaving like the one who gets chosen. Typical catch 22. It makes my blood boil when I see women expressing admiration for guys like Ted Bundy.
@@curiosity_saved_the_cat He is a serial killer. Ooooooh he's so cute though.
As a guy, I think it's fully understandable to find somebody physically attractive DESPITE being a loathsome person. If there's ever a blonde bimbo serial killer with tig ol' bitties, whatcha think I'm gonna notice first? LMAO
@@hangukhiphop Yeah, there's that.
@@thijsjong So was OJ Simpson, Paul Bernardo, and Richard
Remrize (Night stalker) etc. Get more poon Sinatra
You'd think the women would stay away. Female logic for you.
here Dr Grande smiles when he is in contact with recovery mum.
Wow.! What a great dynamic. I have enjoyed/Subscribed for some time to your Presentations, but what a Wonderful addition to include Recovery Mum.!❗️ It really works to have a more conversational quality. She adds some the questions/feedback of your audience/us, increasing the listenability.! Congratulations.!❗️💯
During my training as a therapist (I’m not a therapist yet) I noticed the women who want bad boys have been deeply wounded by a male or male figure, or lack of one, and their instincts and judgment is fragmented. They then do think a seemingly stronger male (bad boy) would ultimately protect them, even if the bad boy is bullying others.
Thank you, Shona. Your explanation is the only one that makes sense.
Great Video....This applies to bad girls to in many ways
He likes her. He really likes her.Seems so open and vulnerable.
It would be very interesting to have as a guest someone with the dark triad
Dr. Grande, You look 20 years younger with that ring light on!!! Wow. I'm going to have to order mine immediately!!:)
Fear overides empathy!
I like that she is being so honest. She is very beautiful as well.
I love those interviews with recovery mum. I got so much from it. Thank you very much!
I love your discussions! Recovery Mum, I admire your candor! Keep on being you! You're wonderful!
Thank you!
Great collaboration!
Opposites do attract as in the dangerous dance between codependents and Narscisst. Ross Rosenberg explains it well in The Human Magnet Syndrome.
I think a lot more women are undetcted Narscisst because they're Covert.
Dr. Grande looks like he has a bed comforter from a 1970s grandmothers guest room. Its all very wholesome and endearing .
Is he Catholic, by chance? I think I see a crucifix on his wall.🤔
I love that you still check your old videos it shows you care
My father kind of fit into this dark triad and over time I've realized that I've been attracted to a lot of the same type of men who remind me of him. In real life, as well as in fiction, where these men often become redeemable. Ofc I didn't realize this on a conscious level for many years. It seems this type of male is a very common template for most women. The difficult part is that it's so ingrained that, while I stay far away from men that exhibit that behavior now, I still can not feel an attraction towards males who don't! It's obviously problematic but at this point I don't believe there is much I can do except to stay out of relationships!
yeah you are probably still going to fall for your attraction. I suggest talking to someone. Its hard going against attraction all the time
It’s working against you to be attracted to that type you need to reevaluate
Go girl by this comment it’s in your conscious
Most women?? Fuck outta here
Someone who is making Dr. Grande. actually almost kinda sorta laughed! Must be the pretty girl!!!
Well we have not seen him talking to.others ie not in the pretty girl category...so we just dont know.
Perhaps just talking to people makes him laugh coz humans like human interactions
“I just declare it so!” Love it because it’s sadly true.
I'm glad I watched this one. Todd your laughing, smiling and not in a office.
And having a nice lady was great.
The problem is that they so charming and sell you dog and pony show then the smoking mirrors dissipate, and the true abuser comes out after you make the decision to move in. My issue was safety I grew up in a household where violence and instability were the only thing offer to my young self. The problem was that I was addicted to be loved and love him above myself. It is sad that took me so many years to learn self love. Now I am looking for someone down the road who has the same attributes as myself. However, I have learned to enjoy my own company and don't need someone to ruin my life and my mental well being. I know that I contradict myself because I say I want someone who will be my partner where we can age together but at the same time don't want anyone EVER.
Thanks ymfor your videos, I like to watch them. Could you make one video on the dimensional VS categorial approach of the personality disorders?
You are quite welcome! Here you go: ruclips.net/video/ZP-GcFdGTqM/видео.html
Great info!
Awesome video! Super interesting 🙏
Thank you. Todd the. Big I'm learning a lot from you
Excellent discussion.
Here's the thing. The title asks "why are women...", and what we see here is a gross generalization of women's attraction. I've been studying this topic, but more generally the psychology of attraction, mental health, self-esteem, and so on, for a number of years now. There has been an astronomical growth in the videos that center around "women's attraction", which is easily explained according to simply supply and demand; with the effects of greater levels of loneliness and relationship dissatisfaction in society, and with men being the one's who approach women, there is a huge level of demand for useful and helpful content to remedying this issue. Although it's not a conscious intention, I think the way such titles are phrased are in part meant to take advantage of this psychological vulnerability in men. Anyone who is desperate for answers is seen as an easy target to benefit off of, which is the most basic psychological premise for cults.
It would be better to be more nuanced in the title, asking why "some" or "many" women are attracted to such and such. As others have pointed out, a person's attractions as adults are largely predicated on their childhood experience with their primary caregivers, particularly with the opposite sex parent, and the model of love that forms from this early experience. Much of it has to do with recognition of love and attraction on an emotional level. That sense of anxiety and danger, the overall experience of fear, when present in an inattentive and abandoning relationship during childhood, is perceived as what loves looks like and feels like as an adult. So women who are turned on by these dangerous men, almost as if they their sense of agency and free will and reason has at once abandoned them, it's because they are perceiving warning signs of danger as love, and therefore, attraction. Fear, as the dr. points out, is a very powerful motivator that pushes aside other considerations.
For women it's a sign of psychological and emotional immaturity. According to Erikson, if we fail to pass through early formative stages of psychological development, then it can stunt our later on development. That feeling of fear and pain and attraction is basically the reopening of childhood wounds that demand healing from us from someone who it recognizes as a parental figure based on shared traits. Unfortunately, those shared traits are the traits of danger and abandonment, so it basically guarantees that we will be hurt again; these women are attracted to men who will hurt them because being hurt by men is what love looks like to them. It's ironic because fear pushes them towards a parental figure for protection, but because the parental archetype is defined by abuse in some way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of abuse.
It's largely a promise of healing, safety, protection, and healing, which pertains to a sense of completion and connection to oneself. Women who lack ambition seek it in their partner; women who are boring seek an exciting life in their partner; women who lack a sense of connection to themselves seek it in their partner; and women who lack a sense of meaning in life seek it in their partner. So these are traits of what Erikson calls a person who is identity confused, who lacks a coherent adult identity due to the absence of organizing principles at the core of one's being. And this represents a profound sense of disconnection. Now, the type of men that are attracted to these types of women are similarly damaged, who had a similar experience with their mothers growing up.
It's best to take a step back from dating and learn to cultivate a relationship with oneself through which those wounds are healed. As the ego is soothed and its insecurity abated, then the way we feel and think and act will be better. It becomes easier to be attracted to and appreciate healthy attractions rather than unhealthy attractions.
I guess the key take way for men and for women is this: don't judge your value on being accepted or rejected by women/men. Who a person is attracted to is more of a reflection of who they are than of who you are. Attraction is complex, and it should not be the sole determiner of a person's value as a human being. The neuroticism, especially in men, towards being attractive to women is to a great degree fueled by a need to have value as a human being. It is important to avoid that place. But to strive to become an overall attractive person as a reflection of one's inherent sense of value is important.
shadowkill546 thank you. I find that all “science” surrounding “women” and the differences between sexes especially is viewed through a lens that completely disregards why this dichotomy exists and how it came to be so separate. Most everything else you said resonates with me as well but this “it’s a woman/man psychology thing” seems deceitful in itself but maybe that’s a strong word. These are all just concepts and more ideas jutting off from there. Going back to the source is where we will find more humanistic information.
I married a man with ASPD after he tried to run me over. I recanted my statement without the realization the police had evidence. My exes charge for Attempted Vehicular Manslaughter was dropped but he still got charged with reckless driving, vandalism and other things. I was given a suspended sentence and classified under the influence of my ex and an endangerment to myself. The judge said for each time I come into contact with my ex I would end up with an 1150 fine and a breach.
@@FreeJulianAssange23 Why would you marry someone who's tried to run you over? That didn't set off any alarm bells to you? Did you want to die? If not, how did you see your life with this person after marriage being any different?
@@TheSm1thers
Dark Triad
That was a great discussion 😊
Love Dr. Grande. He TRULY doesn't care about his background decorations!
That's very enlightening, Dr Grande. Thank you for that one as usual.
I have a few questions, Dr Grande: why is narcisssim on the rise (like exploding?)? Is it because of the rise of social media? Does social media facilitate and incrustate the split of the self in itself, specially in a child's early years? And, most importantly..., how do we ameliorate that situation? Is there such a possibility, actually, or are we rapidly and inevitably moving from a narcissistic to a psychopathic era?
I think narc era unfortunately
I think narcissism existed as long as mankind lol. I don’t think it’s much associated with social media.
Narcissism in females is on the rise coz female rights used to be suppressed, they can only be followers. Also they are supposed to take care of the family only. Perhaps they also have vulnerable narcissism back then, playing victim to get things they want for example food.
I learned so much. Thank you. I have Bipolar 1 Disorder, and the same bad boy problem. I wonder if there is any connection, other than my bouts of impulsivity, fantastic/unrealistic thinking, and, and poor judgment during mania. Although that probably has something to do with it...
Probably
Just don’t sign any contracts or make important decisions during mania :)
I realize this is an older video - but after watching many of Dr Grande’s videos over the last 3 months of him speaking in his measured, monosyllabic tone, directly into the camera with the occasional dry joke, I feel like I’ve passed into another realm! Putting aside the setting with him in front of a bare mattress (?), here he is talking with an attractive woman, so there’s like back and forth engagement and animation! He smiles! And on at least two occasions he chuckles! My analysis is that he is enjoying himself! All the while putting out interesting content. He should do more of this!
A very insightful interview. Thank you 🙏
There needed to be more emphasis in this discussion on the fact that Dark Triad men are NOT protective. They are anything but protective of a woman they are involved with. Rather, Dark Triad men are highly exploitative of women. They hold them in low regard and will treat them accordingly.
Why would anyone in their right mind think otherwise? Being a scoundrel does not offer protection. Scoundrels are the ones who pose the threats. Of course, what you see these men doing to others (i.e., harming them, tricking them, bullying them, betraying them) will eventually be turned back on the woman. The woman in these cases is either dull or wants the man she is attached to to actively engage in amoral, asocial behavior in order to give her access to the scoundrel's ill-gotten gains. Either way, she makes her own bed of self-destruction by giving herself to such men.
Yes, there is that animal urge, as primitive as reproduction drive to maintain the species.!❗️The bad boy/alpha-male….We gotta grow out of it….by our higher choices.
Loving the interaction.
soft-spoken humble understanding.
Excellent
This was great. She was really spot on and of course Dr Grande always is great at explaining things. Great collab! Explains a lot. Bpd/narc women always seem to fall for Narc/psycopathic men - ive seen this enough times. Bit like Harley Quinn and the Joker.
Thanks doc, awesome as always. Could you do a video on RRs and BPD please????
Also when a girl never has her father around growing up they tend to go for older guys and see a type of father/lover relationship in them. I experienced this a few years ago.
I’m sorry I also never had a father I mean he wasn’t very much involved in my life now he is dead
Older doesn’t necessarily mean “bad boy”. A man can be significantly older than his partner and be mature, loving, and caring
Very good.
I was 14 years old and fell madly in love with a "Bad Boy".He was very confident and Brutal.But he was safer than what I faced at home.Thank-you for this info!!!
Dr Grande, I was looking for the Diane Borchardt analysis video someone posted you said you already made. Haven't found it yet. But I just have to tell you, you have a nice smile. You should do it more often on video 😉