Holiday Survival Guide For Autistic People (6 Tips)
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- Опубликовано: 12 июн 2024
- Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. On this video I explore the impact of the holiday season on Autistic people. Plus, I share my personal lived experiences as an #actuallyautistic person. #orionkelly #autism #asd #autismsigns #whatautismfeelslike
⏱ Index:
00:00 - Welcome
00:30 - Tip 1
05:00 - Tip 2
12:15 - Tip 3
14:16 - Tip 4
17:55 - Tip 5
26:35 - Tip 6
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Orion Kelly is an #ActuallyAutistic vlogger (RUclipsr), podcaster, radio host, actor, keynote speaker and Autistic advocate based in Australia. Orion is all about helping you increase your understanding, acceptance and appreciation of Autistic people.
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I have a whole new strategy this year. It's called "it's not happening". I am not travelling to see family, and I am not travelling to see multiple friends. I am staying at home. On Christmas day I will cycle round a local lake, and then clean my apartment!
Not everyone has the luxury of doing that. 🙄
That sounds lovely, have a great time!
"One simple trick the experts don't want you to know." 😂 Have fun doing you!
Wish I had the option to do that. Might have to fake being sick...
That sounds AMAZING✨️✨️ Enjoy💖
YES!!! My family always told me that my son was "spoiled", because I made him a separate meal for Thanksgiving or Christmas, full of foods that HE likes to eat. My aunt tried to shame me into forcing him to eat what everyone else was eating, and I called her on it. NO, my son is Autistic. If you want a miserable kid, and everyone else miserable because he had a meltdown, then force him to eat things that make him gag. Not me. I prefer a happy child and a peaceful house. He's a sweet kind, and yet he is constantly scolded, because he does not "behave" in an acceptable way. I'm not going to throw added stress and shame on top of that, during the holidays. And, he is always going to have sensory issues. And, if pizza makes him smile at the holidays, I will feed it to him for every meal! Stay in your lane, family; I am raising him, not you.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. You will give your son good memories in the future because you know what he can tolerate. That’s a good mom. Keep it up and merry Christmas 🎄
This
You are a great parent!
We need more parents like you! Wish I would've had this kind of parents. ❤
You're an awesome mom! Wish mine had been more like that during my childhood.
Loosely related, but I live in a place where people love to loudly rev their engines and blast their shitty music. It's by far the worst trigger of my sensory issues, and I've taken to blasting the harshest and loudest music I listen to when I'm in the car as a counter and a shield to all the unwanted noise. People really don't understand that loud noises for hypersensitive autistic people are like firing a gun right next to the ears of a bat.
I still remember clearly, last years Christmas lunch when we just started our daughter’s diagnosis journey. We had made a PB sandwich to bring as it was her staple safe food, and the first thing my mother demanded was that “no, she will eat what everyone else is eating”. Long story short she obviously refused to eat any other food and after a brief meltdown, happily ate her PB sammich. This was also the tipping point of completely cutting contact with all of my family for failing to acknowledge not only my daughter being autistic but the clear signs growing up, my self being autistic as well 😕
I hate that. The flat out disrespect. My daughter have been having a food disorder since she got her MMR vaccine. Sure some idiots put in their spoon and then they can't understand. Those are idiots and I stay away.
Im sorry about that. Your mother had no respect for you and your daughter difference. Good thing my parents are both ND and still we did have our share of arguments. But we can have a good Christmas together because...food is laying on the table...each one eat what they like, when they want. And we chat and watch some tv and its totally fine to have alone time in the middle. So no one is breaking their habits and behaving like an hive mind.
oof. i'm sorry you went through that. the stigma about mental health really needs to be broken.
@@nonnymoose6260- I know that one all too well. 🙄😣
@@nonnymoose6260no this is patrick (sorry had to do it) - im the little girls dad
That was another point, that we “always gave in” to tantrums.
The worst part of it is my mother works in disability care, looking after intellectually disabled housed clients - and absolutely refuses to acknowledge my daughters clearly autistic traits not to mention showed a blind eye to mine growing up because “thats not what being autistic is” 🤦♂️
So that explains why I tend to seek out comfy quiet nooks to take a break from the crowded social circles. Not only a quiet place to recharge, catch up on own interests or little tasks, and even have a brief hot cocoa before choosing to get back into chaos or wait til it’s all over. Thank goodness I’m one of the few “holiday happybugs” that embrace the holidays, but it’s a fine line between “woohoo” to “I need a nap”.
Autism friendly foods are so easy to dress-up for the holidays!
My brother likes waffles and my friend loves French-toast. Both of these can be done with a plethora of optional festive toppings for the neurotypicals.
Sandwiches can be made festive for the family with cookie-cutters.
Just separating out dressings and sauces from dishes allows people to add to their comfort level.
Customizable meals are so easy & fun for everyone.
Just got through a family Christmas this weekend... I made festive versions of my daughter's safe foods for her (after asking her what would make a special meal for her). Christmas tree shaped pancakes, a chocolate mud cake as an alternative to pudding. I made enough to share which my little nieces and nephews thought was awesome. My autistic husband, now knows that taking breaks from gatherings is better than being miserable the whole time. It ended up being a lovely day for everyone.
At 54, this is my first Christmas season as a known autist. Watching your videos is like watching something spoken in my own language. It's comforting and makes perfect sense. The holidays have always been extremely difficult and I've never really liked them; now I know why. Getting the diagnosis, researching, and watching videos like yours, I'm learning to give myself breaks when I need them. I listen to my internal voice of what I need. I practice self-care in a whole new light. Thank you, Orion, for what you do.
I'm 38 and this is also my first Christmas after being diagnosed with autism. I was diagnosed last month. I love these tips and I feel good that I'm not alone in my struggles this time of year.
@@HangryVelociraptor Wishing you a wonderful Christmas, with new tools to navigate. And what’s really lovely about what you said: We are not alone anymore. I feel such weight released with these words. Thank you. 🙏💞
Hi both from 50 odd yrs of Ausomeness, I too will be joining this year with a clearer awareness off how I've always dreaded this time of year and shall be doing it my way with least amount of burnout as I can manage. Love this edition from Orion cheers me dears 👍 and wishing you all a comfortable time with a good sprinkling of Ausomeness✨ from here in 🇬🇧🎄
@@Newalks. Cheers!
When my youngest was a toddler, in the early 1990s, I had no idea she might be autistic. She was “difficult” and prone to constant tantrums until age 7 or 8. I tried the usual parenting tips of “give 2 or 3 options for what to wear” and “verbally prepare your child by describing the plan for the day’s activities”, etc. These things helped a bit, but we hit a problem with the plan - because if I said we were “going to the post office and grocery store and gas station”, but then I went to the gas station FIRST, she would have a meltdown. I didn’t know at the time that that’s what it was, but I’m pretty sure now that that’s exactly what it was. So I made a new rule that “only the driver gets to know the plan”, and that smoothed things over as long as I didn’t spring out-of-the-ordinary activities on her, such as going to the doctor’s for immunizations.
Oh, I wish I had known 30 years ago!!! She died in 2015 of brain stem cancer, just a month before her 23rd birthday, and I never knew that she might have been (probably was) autistic. She was so gifted and generous and an absolute delight to be around, as a teenager and young adult. I’m still wrecked that she’s gone.
And now I’m in my mid-50s and strongly suspect I’m autistic as well. I’m working on getting a formal diagnosis, but it’s taking time. It certainly would explain a great deal, not just at the holidays but always. I haven’t spoken to my relatives about it yet, because they’re the type to dismiss anything that hasn’t been officially diagnosed by a professional.
😢 🌺 💐
❤❤❤
Whenever my mum has Christmas or a social family event at her house I always help her in the kitchen. That way I can just hang with my mum and don't have to sit around making conversation with people which I'm so awkward at. And my mum likes having someone help her with the cooking/food prep. Then when we eat at the table I always make sure I sit next to my mum so she can do all the talking and I don't have to say too much 😝 I don't know, but I think it might help some people who feel anxious in these party/social situations to have a "safe" person they can hang out with. I always feel better sticking with my mum.
That sounds much like me. I still help clean up so I don't have to deal with all the noise and over stimulation in the main room.
This was so awesome! Thank you so so much for taking the time and having the initiative to talk about these RARELY or EVER talked about NT "habits." I related to just about all of them, ESPECIALLY, the one where family and friends make an announcement the moment they see me enter their space. I just want to run and hide each time.
I have not been officially diagnosed and am having a hard time coming out to my family because they don't believe in "mental health."
Orion, you're my support from afar, and I'm grateful for you and all your videos. I'm in my mid 40's and live in a country that will make you jump hoops for years before they diagnose ASD...
I have a long journey ahead, especially in my relationships.
You're my hero 🎉❤
Maybe dont frame ASD as mental health. I wonder if they would be more accepting if you said its a neurodevelopmental difference. They might fixate or neuro as neurological and be more accepting. 😒😅
Part of my family does not believe that I am Autistic. I have been diagnosed at birth. It has been a few decades :))))) Families are families. Can't kill them can't live with them. Tell your family to stop making announcements and respect your boundaries. If your country is hard to get diagnosed in you can always get diagnosed in a different country. You can also in most cases sue government of your country to make getting diagnosed easier and more accessible. That is what I am going to do :)
@etcwhatever It's my family that labels ASD as just another "mental health disorder" --
I'm OK. They're my family and I'm moving on either way. I just wish and hope we could be more supportive of each other, that's all. ❤
@@Jeleckami7 ASD is not a mental health disorder but simply one of major types of neurodiversity. It has nothing to do with mental health. I can tell that your family views ASD as a disease and you - as a sick person. You can simply ask them to educate themselves.
Thank you for talking directly to me AND my carer. Thank you for giving tips that focus on meeting my needs rather than the what others will think of me. I am so used to being treated like I am either helpless or expected to do more than I am able to. I have always been told I am a burden, and ruin the holidays, either by acting the way they want and having a meltdown, or acting the way I need to and failing to meet expectations. This video was great and really refreshing.
I really dislike surprise presents, even if it's something that I'd normally like. I have a wishlist on Amazon to make this easier for everyone. I can then open the present, knowing approximately what it will be. I know it's not exciting for people who like going shopping for the perfect thoughtful thing but it makes me feel more comfortable. I'd have thought it would make things easier for other people, but I no longer have any idea.
Thank you Orion, this was thoughtful and well presented. I’ve only begun to understand in the past couple of years that all my ‘Grinchness’ is because of autism. Hearing all these tips in a clearly collated presentation is very supportive. Thanks again!
I never used to have the problem of my face not showing my emotions as a kid. It was only after being judged by others on my emotions, among other things, that I feel my body has closed off that connection between my brain and my face, to give me extra time to choose the best and safest facial expression.
I became like that in highschool...before i didnt really mask.
It's going to be a real struggle for me but these tips might make it better! I haven't told the paternal side of my family about my diagnosis because they're extremely judgemental so I just have to step away when I get too overwhelmed
I don't even talk to mine anymore
My husband says he'll hear me out when I give him an official diagnosis 🥺
@@Jeleckami7 Wow nothing like having your back. He sounds like a narcissist. Good luck!
@@Jeleckami7tell him to F off. Seriously, be a B it ch. You have to be. Put your foot down. Own your autism and say no. Enough will the controlling your life. Self diagnosis is valid. Look up Mom on the spectrum she has a video about it. Neurotypical bullies will say , "lts do this, let's go there, let's go to my family," NO. No, NO, NO. It overwhelms me and NO. HE can go away and do whatever he wants... alone. When he comes back , alone, you guys can hang out. In peace.
@@Jeleckami7
You don't need an official diagnosis to conclude that your self assessment is accurate.
There's tests on embrace autism that can give you a very clear and objective indicator.
If you answer honestly and score high, you can be reasonably assured that you have as the tests says.
What do you think happens when you're diagnosed? They test you, there isn't much more to it.
Get your husband to read this.
If you care for your wife, then you should take her seriously on this.
Your wife either has autism, or she doesn't, that's not for you to pass judgement on.
What is for you, is to support your wife and accept that she believes she may have autism.
In sickness and in health.
Maybe it’s my overactive auDHD brain, but I get the distinctive feeling that Orion is sometimes talking directly to or about specific people in his life who were highly insensitive to his own autism. His frustration really resonates with me.
I feel this on so many levels as a very late diagnosed adult who grew up during a time when autism or ADHD wasn’t even IN the social zeitgeist. My adoptive family never cared about my feelings, nor did exes, I was just “too sensitive” or “being difficult.”
I enthusiastically shared with one BF my fervent wish that it was normal to have pizza for Thanksgiving or Xmas dinner, because I loved pizza and thought the whole family dinner and meal prep thing was exhausting. He was appalled and lectured me about “tradition.” I only dated him for a year.
Another time when I was a teen, a friend at a house party I threw FILLED the room waist high with balloons, and everyone started bashing them back and forth while laughing and screaming. I laughed too, and then broke into sobs and stark panic while laughing and freaking out at the same time. No one knew since the lights were all low, but I always wondered why I reacted that way. Now I know it was severe sensory overload.
Yasssss I loved this. One thing I am immensely thankful for is that my parents have always been okay with me going away during get togethers even when at the time there was 0 thoughts about Autism. It was just one of the many “quirks” about me. But it made such a world of difference in my ability to enjoy gatherings
These are my four strategies to help me not freak out at a crowded family event. 1.Stay home 2. Take your anti anxiety meds 3. Arrive to the party early so you can greet others as they arrive verses walking into a room full of people 4. Drink an alcoholic beverage at the party .
Yep
I am lucky in that most of my extended family are probably autistic so family gatherings are pretty short in duration. We arrive at noon and are all out by 3.
Perfect timing for this video. I'm waiting for my diagnosis. This is the first year I'm able to articulate why I hate so many things about Christmas.
Best of luck
True happiness is having all your Christmas shopping done by mid October.
However, misery is working retail and realizing that calendars are a foreign concept to 90% of people. You have 12 months to prepare for any holiday. Shockingly, most people haven’t figured this out.
My mom would "Christmas Shop" all year, and store up the gifts in her closet. It's a genius idea, imo, but also understand why most people wait until November to shop...black Fri/Cyber Mon deals.
I’ve been penting myself up for Christmas for over 2 months: thinking gifts, sending post. Then there’s the overwhelm of the decorations, the lights.
I’m completely exhausted, along with my living situation I’m so done in.
I like to make things for people at Christmas and make it really personal. This year though it’s been really hard to deal with it, the over expectations of myself and my ability to achieve what I want and obviously worried how people will react.
Nearly battled through it, but decided next year I’m not doing it: everyone is getting gift cards lol
I miss Christmas at my true home, it was enjoyable and chilled. Christmas where I’m at is so full on.
Thanks for these tips for next year. This Christmas has been a massive learning curve. Now I’ve learned of my neurodivergence (adhd with asd traits) I can learn to put strategies in place to overcome the obstacles.
Now gimme a bottle of mulled wine and a bath lol.
I never understood why any holiday would be such a horror period for autistic people. Like, it's pretty much the only part of the autistic experience I can't relate to.
You have a traditionally predicated therefore predetermined routine of meals, dress code, customs, there is nothing random or unexpected about any of it. (Though the people who don't care to acknowledge your existence the rest of the year could really just extend it to the holiday period and not show up at all, I will agree with that. People who want to be strangers the rest of the year should not pretend to be friends/family just for Christmas.)
Thank you Orion just wish i could have shared this with my family 40 years ago...i am still traumatised from those Christmases from the 1980s .... Think your channel is great and thank you for being here as your insight and research really does help ❤
Agreed! This is me as well.
I want to be a kid again and have you instruct my parents on how to plan christmas routine.... i feel relaxed just thinking about an xmas plan. Great video.
Great advice not only for the holidays but year-round! Neurotypical here married to an undiagnosed ASD handsome man. Thank you!!!
This Christmas I told the family, all I want is a quiet holiday spent with the dog. That they can do what they want, but this is what I want. It isn’t to their liking at all, but I am going to stick to it. I think I will be a bit burnt out, since there will definitely be push back. Then again I am the one who does the decorating and baking of cookies. So shouldn’t it be at my speed? Baking is fun and I plan to bake tomorrow with an audiobook in the background. No one should come in and try to distract me. It is a way I enjoy celebrating.
This is an extremely useful guide for neurotypical people who refuse to get a clue. Thank you!
This is fantastic, thank you so much Orion! As an autistic person, I personally identify with the part of your video which talks about not making a big deal out of an autistic child making an appearance after taking some time by themselves during a get-together. As a kid, I spent a lot of time in my room during holiday parties and I just dreaded coming upstairs to the party because I knew that family members would embarrass me, and shame me for "hiding in my room". Hoping that your video will help relatives not do that to their autistic family member.
Orion, thanks for this advice and your insights. Giving standards priority is an important differentiation. I enjoy your humor and appreciate your work and how it has impacted lives all over the world.
Yes. Well done. I avoid most holiday activities now...being older without grandkids has this advantage anyhow. My son and his wife come, they too are spectrum, and we have Chinese food together, maybe swap a gift or two and we are all happy. I put up whatever decor I feel like doing...sometimes it's more, often it's less. And I just don't do parties...ok, ONE is kind of an obligation, but this is something I prepare for, plan a rest day after and don't push myself to participate in all the silly games. I noticed this year that others were taking cues from me and not doing those childish games as much either!
Don't forget to build flexibility into the plan if you can't guarantee zero changes. There's someone who might pop in or cancel last minute? Prepare for both scenarios. The family may decide to go on a walk to check out decorated houses or may stay in? Prepare for both.
Hi Orion, did you noticed that some people move in that kind of festivities, some are going in the kitchen, some are going outside saying to smoke, some are going in an other room to enjoy less people, a little interaction with just one or 2 people etc... The kids are going to play and so on... I think that a lot of people need to regulate themselves, specially when it s a long lunch or supper... Women are going to the washroom for make up...i think that if you are not allowed to move, it s going to be a torture for everyone.... I m from Paris France, so no rules for repetition, no same pj, non noisy bonbons, no problem with the food, not so much decoration... The only thing that is difficult in my culture is to say no to apéritif, wines, champagne etc 😂, so you have to be creative 😂... But now I stay with my cats and celebrate Yule with them...yes Freedom 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
I don't think I have autism but perhaps more learned behaviour or conditioned behaviour through childhood, that could resemble similarities to autism, anyhow I have a broken family, I do not celebrate Christmas, because of this, I have always found it a mandatory celebration, where people act extra happy just for 1 day, you especially realise this with a broken family, I just am very happy you are showing this video regardless if I suffer from any particular thing or not
Thank you for this! you have spent lots of time preparing for this, it hits all of the triggers! this is fantastic, Orion. I despise tradition, having to be around PHOTO BULLIES and i cringe if anyone asks me a question. do not ask me if im allright? no, im not allright! leave me freaking alone already & douse the lights. turn down everyones voices while you are at it. Again, thanks, well done! This is the best gift from you to us ever. (i really hope i dont need to deal with a photo bully this year. it wont be good)
Sensory overwhelm is constant, always, 24/7, ever since I was born.
A reminder: I’ve discovered via going into autistic burnout for (I believe ) the first time at the age of 51-52 that there isn’t necessarily a requirement for meltdowns and shutdowns leading up to it: given too high of demands for an extended period of time, it can happen, and *THEN* you can have meltdowns and shutdowns as a result.
In my 30's, back before we had cell phones to run our lives, I had enough of the constant stresses and "divorced my entire family".
That year, I decided to create a Christmas how I wanted Christmas to be.
I started keeping a list all year of people's names that contributed to my well being either through kindness or caring challenge. First week of December I wrote thank you/appreciation Christmas cards to each one. Some people I only had a first name from a business that had to be looked up in the yellow pages.. This helped me to get into a grateful place of mind to combat the ever constant threat of depression.
Sometimes I baked cookies to surprise people in the service industries like garbage men and city bus drivers. Baking huge numbers of mixed cookie plates and hopping on and off busses on a day pass giving out cookies was so much fun.
On Yule/Winter Solstice I carefully decorated my tree with my favorite blue lights, had a yummy snack then shut off all the lights in the house. I sat quietly in the dark until I felt calm and relaxed, sometimes sang carols off key, then turned on my tree lights and made wishes for my next year.
When I felt restless, Yule was over and life moved on. It was wonderful.❤
Autistic burnout! That explains what I go through every Christmas. I'm a parent to three kids and have a lot of local family. There's a ton of expectations this time of year between what the schools want to cram in the last week before Christmas break and all the family gatherings. I end up, every January, without a doubt, suffering from acute burnout. It will happen again this year, because there's no way to avoid it, but at least now I understand what's going on with my brain.
38 years old, got my testing done a few months ago...
this video really hit hard.
Just the #5 actually was something that really hurt me as a kid. Just thinking about coming out of my room, or from the outdoors back into a the house, everyone would do that. So then, the next time, i would sit outside, for 4 hours, debating if it was worth going back in to get some dinner, or if should just stay outside cause it was easier....
Edit: and the light paradox, never really felt i had any type of overloads for senses. But during my formal testing i kinda was like "oh yeah, that kinda aligns...."
Watching this video, really made me think back to being a kid. Everyone would want to look at all the christmas lights and see the lighting events and see the cool homes. And i just wanted to look at the christmas tree for hours and hours. I would trace each strand of wire to each light, and how it would twist around each branch. Being left to do that was the best part of christmas....
Hope i can bring myself to share this video to people i care about. Debating on it, i still haven't really opened up to anyone yet
Thanks for sharing your experience it's hard however You do You and whatever it takes to do it is what matters. I love this channel and how it brings folks together reading experiences and knowing I'm not alone. Have a comfortable one 🎄👍🎄
I'm autistic and have a neurotypical partner. My brother is also neurodivergent (ADHD) and has a neurotypical partner. Two years ago I and my partner celebrated Christmas at our home with my big family (10 people, 12 if my partner's parents are also there). This year we celebrated it at my brother's home. Yeah, not sure what either one of us thought. This year me and my brother ended up sitting in the kitchen to eat while the rest of the family ate in the living room. Both had sensory overload from just hanging around our family. Still, was a nice evening overall. Can imagine what a relief it was for my brother to see everyone go back home, though.
All in our family who are neurodivergent were diagnosed as adults, so everyone is pretty much used to us being ourselves, so no one reacts to anyone of us doing something "odd" every now and then.
(Edited for spelling errors.)
Casing the joint, love that. I love to do that, if I'm going to party I find meeting the friends in their house when there are fewer people. That makes things much better for me. I don't have issue with just showing up, I just have acknowledge it's going to cost me more. What that means is I need to spend less energy before going. That can be difficult at Christmas though with some much going on every minute of the day.
I said I could do about 1 hour at 1 persons house but I can't go from house to house to house. This year I finally spoke my mind. I said no else is going to take care of me when I burn out and become very ill.
So exhausting
I only dread two things for these festivities: Greetings and flies.
1rst) Greeting someone here requires you to at least give two kisses, one in each cheek. How is actually done? You kiss in the air beside the cheek? You make contact with each cheek? Even with my father's extended family and more than twenty attempts each year I still don't grasp the technique 😅.
2nd) I get triggered by flies and I moved to a tropical place where they are abundant all year around. They increase in quantity at this time of festivities and I have no way to defend my food for these outdoor dinners that are coming without appearing like a maniac to my relatives. More than 20 critters flying and landing on the food layed on the table and no one bothered by it except me. Just one lands on my food or lands on my glass and I won't be able to eat.😢
For me the worst part is preparation for Christmas. My parents are always busy in this time because there's a lot of things to do. They argue and raise their voice at eachother and my brother a lot. I know Christmas is irritating and stressful for them too.
But I get overwhelmed very quickly. It's too loud. Everyone wants my help without clearly telling me beforehand what I'm supposed to do.
I often have meltdowns because of this. I get headaches and I'm super anxious.
Thanks for sharing! The break from school is the hardest for our family. I hope you survive your holiday! 🎄🎅
Best tip, don't go.
Run a mile and keep running.
I am so dreading it this year especially, its the first time EVERYONE is coming in again since covid. and i just cant man. i'm in a terrible mental state too so i already checked how bad it would be to just run and take the train home 🤣🤣
Okay but maintaining meal times and bed times is just good parenting, regardless of neurological differences. I’ve camped with the same group of families for 20 years & watched teens I grew up with become parents themselves. There is an observable difference between kids on a routine & kids who drop the routine.
Autistic Adult, I guess I’m a bit “strange” with this, I’ve always Hated Routines, at least the ones imposed on me! 😂 I may have one, but I refuse to call it that! 😝 I think this maybe because I had a horrible time in school. The word just leaves a horrible thought in my mind. 🤢 😆
I'm autistic. This autistic guy knows what I need to enjoy the holidays.
Tip: Listen to this guy's videos. He knows how I feel.
I feel like you read my mind! I’m autistic and never been a big fan of the holidays , but you are amazing! I think I will be calm and actually enjoy them this time because of you , so I thank you so much for posting this !
I like Christmas, all the pretty lights and music and Christmas markets and decorations and stuff. It's my favorite time of the year. Christmas would be such a wonderful holiday if neurotypicals weren't so focused on making everything picture perfect.
I saw a video of a mother making a big pity party bc she had to unwrap her autistic child's presents since the child cannot, and how the child's autism "ruined" Christmas. Honestly that mindset is so gross! Total disregard for the child's needs and emotions. Mother made it all about her and how she wanted this social media perfect christmas. Stop mistreating children! Goodness!
What a bit ch. Maybe she's autistic and doesn't even know it. Since her kid is. Maybe she herself doesn't want to be there and is trying to put up a front , masking. She masking maybe and she's irritated and can't hide it. Just a thought. 😂 I don't know.
I heard about that one! Another autistic RUclipsr covered it!
I do wonder why the mom didn't let the kid finish unwrapping the presents in his room so he won't be overstimutlated?
1- scheduling
2- sensory stuff
3- sensory stuff (food)
4- familiar places (casing the joint)
5- expectations (downtalking, passive agrresive comments)
6- crap adds up
Absolutely right on the money with this, thankyou. I can relate to the reactions to opening presents so much same with birthdays, i struggle with getting the facial expressions right so much i probably look miserable but on the inside im so happy with the gifts its so weird and hard
One thing Ive learned works well is to remove the element of surprise when it comes to presents. Either give the autistic person a heads up about what presents they are getting, or wrapp them in see through material. Still festive but way less anxiety
Visually stimming by staring at the blinking Christmas lights is one of my core memories 😍 Also, people who set off crackers without warning are terrible! Not only autistic people struggle with it, but also pets, most children, anxious people.
This was exhausting lol! Let’s just…. nOT “do” this holiday special event circus! But, aspects of it and connecting with people is rewarding… but… can be way too much!
You laid it all brilliantly. But the reality factor is most and many simply will not “accommodate” or drop demand of expectation for the most over-rated expectation events of lifetimes… they just won’t. Seem to be “unable”… even “disabled” in this expectation demand category.
I come from more of an autistic family tree hehe… Holidays would be a combination of grand routine… it all must be the same events with same same same the rule then pre event demand anxiety meltdowns and followed by relationship and exhaustion shutdowns… it was the “norm”… it was a package deal… all of it and we would laugh and cry and play it again and it was “good” even with all the many presentations… no expectations for some and expecting fallout with others and she’ll shock for a few. It was ALL “ok”.
Then I made the mistake of marrying into a neurotypical supposedly… ahem ADHD Type A, Fundamentalist No No No we don’t accommodate any one individual confirming to appropriate social and religious and tradition protocols and behaviors the EXPECTATION and the demand or the one will be shamed publicly.. all must know we the collective family disapprove, shunned… sent away or not allowed to participate without agreements to behave according to social norms… “or else”. Lord have mercy.
Things went to hell in a basket when the kids arrived and well… they are lovely little autistics.
Societal Narcissist + Autism matchup does not = Holiday Bliss. We just don’t
Happy Holidays Y’all. I miss my autistic holiday mess from my childhood. It was so bad it was good.
The narcissistic holidays of demand expectation so good it was bad.
🎄❤️🎉🤷♀️
Thank you for addressing gratitude! Manners are magic and necessary social rules for us to have any hope of fitting in. Plus it is a great trait for anybody to have.
Last Xmas, my MIL was all about the looong hug, claiming it was good for everybody. After one, I felt traumatized, then she went in for another 😢. I couldn't go near her for the rest of her visit.
My parents are spending the holidays in your neck of the woods 🤣 (I'm from Quebec) so this is how I survive the holidays. Sending them far far away :P
Nah more seriously I've made it a habbit of having my own yearly small celebration to myself and avoid big things. There are many people I don't wanna be around during the holidays and I'm glad I'm finally able to allow myself that grace. With arfid it's never been easy. I've been shamed about food my whole life by family especially during the holidays so now I simply don't hang around people who have done that. It's either a restaurant I know everyone will like which has some safe options for me, or I leave before dinner and go eat my own stuff.
Casing the joint is so important!
I had a meltdown when I was brought to a new medical office without being told before the ride, I was going to a new office. I was not prepared. I had such a bad meltdown, I was denied medical care. I needed more time to prep myself before the demands for me to perform, while my brain was overwhelmed. I lost myself, and then, I lost my medical care.
I remember the last family gathering and i politely announced that im leaving. It almost turned into a hostage situation cause they didnt want to let me leave. My wife told me later that day that after i left there was dead silence at the table and that they were all in complete shock that i left because i didnt give them an explanation
Dude. Like the worst holiday season ever this year. PTSD on top of Autism is hell. Just suffered a nervous breakdown. Almost 50 years of being tormented, abused, humiliated and treated like as piece of human garbage has taken its toll. I'm like such a quiet person, I like libraries and books and personal interest and peace and quiet. Why is that such a threat to people.
I LOVE YOUR SHIRT>>>>ALSO I HIDE FROM THE HOLIDAYS>>CAN"T WAIT FOR IT TO BE OVER
I'm so thankful I don't have to spend it with my family, that my partners family is lovely, so the actual day itself isn't too bad now. However just this time of year is so stressful, I've peeled 4kgs of potatoes today alone. I had to change hairdressers because my regular one is in a busy shopping centre and I can't cope.
Orion. Yes sir. This is an excellent, well thought out, and accurate guide. Attention governments of the world, please contact Orion to license and work out distribution channels for this information to be disseminated for the next decade at this time of year! Please issue placards, note cards, memes, and bumper stickers immediately!
Thank you,
The Autists
Absolutely your best video. Love it. Actually comes out like a 101 how to understand us, let alone how to be flexible to our unflexibility. Happy Silly season!
Even before my seismic ASD discovery last April/May I already knew (of course) much of this about myself instinctively. Not having a name or diagnosis for it certainly doesn't mean you're unaware that "something" is there. Anything but! And one thing I have learned over decades of trial-and-error on such family/crowd-gathering occasions is the "rule" that works at least for me: Keep Moving. Not having either the terms or "excuse" to expect others to cut me a break, as it were (i.e., before I was aware I could hardly say, "You know, because of my ASD this environment is simply too overwhelming for me right now"), I had to instinctively and, yes, in a very lonely way, contrive my coping mechanisms for the things that, bewilderingly, I just couldn't stand. Now, what "Keep Moving" means is, if that particular cauldron of chaotic reverberation and engulfing sensory assault in, say, the dining room where everybody's roaring and chortling and chattering and the walls are practically pulsing with frenetic energy, is just totally beyond my brain's capacity to "place" and cohere in, then of course I just can't be there, no debate. But it won't do to just stand there on the periphery watching, out of some false sense of social debt to be near the "collective." Nor will it do to just sit in another room by myself staring at a wall. Nor can I spend an hour in the bathroom. Any one of those three resorts is simply too obvious and too (regardless of my intention) attention-seeking. It's just too much of a downer to everybody else to know (they will inevitably know) that Ken is "pouting" or "in a bad mood" or maybe even "angry at us?" because, look, he's isolating himself and doesn't want to talk to anybody. Well, not only do I NOT want to spoil everybody else's time, even more than that I DON'T want that attention! But what I find is, nobody is bothered by, or even notices, a person who's scurrying about apparently doing something necessary. It presents the appearance of being involved, of making your contribution, of attending to the "party" and being part of the production. Indeed, it perpetually looks like a moment's digression, to anybody who happens to notice, like you're just popping out of the crowd for a sec to get some extra cutlery, or to wipe up a spill, or to replenish the pretzels, or WHATEVER. No one person pays attention for long enough to notice that this momentary diversion is actually how you're spending practically the entire party or a significant portion of it, and that's great. From my observation over decades, absolutely nobody notices or is any way bothered by it. This is infinitely preferable to hiding in your room only to have somebody come knocking and asking what's wrong. Between occasional escapes to your room, to the bathroom, to the car ("What? We're out of milk? No problem, I'll run to the store!") and then the "Keep Moving" rule when there's absolutely nowhere else to escape to at the moment--and then, yes, punctuate all these "escapes" with the occasionally pleasant, personal, meaningful encounters, those little oases of genuinely substantial exchange on the edges of the obsessive merry-making--all of this combines, in my experience, to a survival strategy that keeps me sane without making anybody else miserable.
The most absolutely dreadful time of the year. In the states we have Thanksgiving prior which is just far enough away to almost recover from by the time "The Big C" comes.
Visual schedules! I'm a preschool teacher & have always used one with my class. So especially useful with autistic & ND kids on days that are different. I recently realized I'm autistic & actually find visually-based tools really helpful as well.
Hi Orion. So nice to see a friendly and familiar face. I’m glad you mentioned Autistic burnout. My holiday celebrations started this past Saturday…an early Christmas dinner at our home. Coming up Christmas lunch at a friends home. Then New years eve 🙁 My partner doesn’t understand the effect these will have on me so I can not get out of it. Anyway, I can pretty much guarantee burnout. But I will be ok. I will take a few weeks next year to recover. 💙 to you and your family.
Your partner needs to learn about autism. Its not acceptable to put you through so many events...this year i will only do the chrismas dinner with my parents. Last year i went to everything and off course i burned out.
PS cooking is my number one therapy so when it comes to Silly Season, meals are planned and cooked by me for agreed invitees only and other socialising is external, ie no cold calls.
I love your videos. I hate the series of flashbacks, accumulated over 55 years of life, that they unearth.
Then again, I constantly have those anyway. 😊
Orion, our family’s traditional dish on Christmas Eve is Scalloped Oysters. Not everyone likes it, so we serve some alternatives!
oh man... a light bulb just went off for me... you gave the analogy of having to charge our phones like WE actually need to re-charge ourselves... Then it hit me, autistic people are so good at and frequently use analogies because we spend a lifetime NOT BEING UNDERSTOOD and having to explain ourselves... wowowowowow that just set off my brain. Analogies are the only way we've adapted to trying to relate to neurotypicals in a way they can comprehend us.
I'm still learning who I am, I'm still learning about all this... i don't know whether to cry or laugh because i finally feel like i know why i'm so different and that i'm NOT alone and there's other people that have experienced what i have and we all have similar traits. Like how many times people told me i take things too literally and i'm too sensitive. As if I could just *snap* not be that way... LOL!!!!!! It's quite sad how we've had to make analogies so much that we're good at them... but also badass because i love analogies!!!
I want my family to take all this advice to heart, but I know they wont. I mentioned to one parent once I'd become an adult and thought about what distressed me most as a child what would have been nice to have, and they completely dismissed the whole thing, not understanding why it was so important to me. What I would have liked, for every day, was a schedule, even if it was a flexible schedule and people weren't sure how long something would take, just tell me that, and write down the sequence of events I should expect. So often I was unsure of what was going to happen next when I had to be outside the home, and it was extremely taxing to not know what I could expect to happen during the day and when I could expect to be back home where I could manage my own time. I have many many memories of waiting in the car or waiting in offices while my mom ran errands, and while I had my tape recorder to entertain myself, it was still stressful to spend so much time in limbo
Also it’s ok to not hug someone just because they are family, when I was a kid and my grandma came over for Xmas she would make me hug her and she would kiss my cheek (🤢 it felt so icky due to sensory issues) and if I refused she would call me rude! It’s ok to have boundaries even at Xmas, so any parents with autistic kids who hate hugs, don’t be afraid to set boundaries with family members
I like the gratefulness, but Ive seen plenty of neurotypical people shit all over gifts. My father was a horrible gift giver, and my mother was a graceless gift receiver.
Yet they were appauled by me saying, "Angora sweaters make me itchy, I'm alergic to fur snd I'm sad for the rabbit."
I gave my friend a gift this year and he did not say thank you, or open it and critiqued me. I had to spend a day internalizing about it.
So good for Orion for teaching values in this material world.
I totally agree about the Yuletide lights being extremely soothing and beautiful.
I now say to myself
Your expectations, are yours not mine,
I did not choose them, I do not share them.
Your expectations of me,
are not a to do list, for me.
Your expectations are yours, you can keep them.
I am giving myself a neurodivergent season. Only the tree, I like the tree and it's lights that don't move.
Over recent years only put on there what feels ok, not based on any traditions. No other decs, as they felt like too much noise.
I plan to have my safe food and stay in pjs, all day.
No expectations.
Have had too many years of trying to put myself in the boxes of expectations of others and it's awful.
Traditions are NOT legal requirements. Though I totally get how some people behave as if they are.
May the season be as kind to you as possible.
Ugh the mealtime thing is so huge, I can’t digest certain foods past certain times and it messes up my whole bathroom and sleep schedules and my body doesn’t know what time it is anymore 😞 but when I say no to being served a meal I feel so rude
I'm kinda excited about bringing my portioned "outside" food to the gathering this year. It's my first year competing in bodybuilding, so everyone is actually being supportive of my "off brand" Christmas dinner (neurotypical competition logic I suppose).
Yup i got a massive shutdown. Nope, i haven't been doing Christmas for years. I put my foot down and was beyond sick and tired of traveling. Just to please a neurotypical husband. No, i told him to F OFF one day. F his family, f his social outings, F his everything. On top of that , my son gets car sick, and i was the one lugging a sack of extra clothing. In one of those nights, our truck stopped working and we were stuck in the middle of the road. No. He can travel and do whatever he wants. Me, I'm staying home with my kids. Things are a lot better. Forcing and autistic person, to do things they dont want is beyond damaging.
i told my whole family on both sides i don't want any presents for me or my children and one family member said "humbug" and then mostly people didn't ask didn't care... which i honestly PREFER because only one person asked, i gave her my information dump/oversharing answer and she never responded lol!!! I just can't... I could go on and on and on for my own beliefs, the fact it's all about consumerism and going into debt and i CARE and LOVE these people and don't want them to swipe a credit card going into debt even a small amount with interest to pretend they care/love me and my children when they forgot all my 4 children's bday's this year, never ask how we are doing, never visit, always expect me to do all the travelling (i live 3 hours away) and i'm the one with small children (4yr and 1yr). i've been gaslit, made fun of...etc... my special interests shutdown.... not to even mention the fact that i don't handle social interaction well OR being overly stimulated by lights, music, the tv usually has football on any of these holidays... i don't eat pork and my mom traditionally always cooks a pork roast and to me the whole entire house smells like burning human flesh. i stopped doing christmas personally in 2016 but i would just keep up the appearances and show up for the rest of my family and just to make sure my children still knew their relatives... but the past few times the fact that i'm doing all this back bending and people pleasing over something i don't even LIKE or enjoy has finally made this year the year where i just said "Nah. Not going to do it." Everyone of course is acting like it's an abomination and their brain is going to pop at the idea of someone NOT doing it! OH WELL, I DIDN'T DIE AND I DON'T HAVE DEBT, AND THE EARTH ISN'T FULL OF MY TRASH, AND PLASTIC TOYS THAT MY KIDS DON'T NEED AND WILL GET BORED OF IN A FEW WEEKS. If Autistic people just stopped masking and started insisting on OUR comfort and thoughts having validity, we'd have a totally different world. I've held my own preferences back for so long I just don't want to anymore. I want to be HAPPY. I want to be COMFORTABLE. Just like EVERYONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have been together since 1995 and I think I've cooked 2 Christmas traditional dinners in all that time, and that was only because that is what extended family expected to have, i have always made a curry for Christmas and each year since we have had the 3 kids I ask them in advance if they want something like home made pizza, spag bol, curry or whatever and if they want something different to us in will do 2 meals. Both daughters and now diagnosed Autistic, my son is awaiting ADHD assessment and I suspect I am possibly Autistic or AuDHD. None of us really enjoy Christmas but we enjoy having time off together so long as there is not too much of the having people over and having to go out to visit people.... I now realise that I have been doing things that stop me feeling burned out, way before I even really knew anything about Autism... I used to feel soo bad for doing What we wanted and not what extended family wanted and now I can see I've just been behaving in a slightly more Autistic friendly way all along. I stopped sending out cards because sending soo many just stress me out.
I hate not knowing what presents I am getting and having to pretend im happy with a disappointing present
Day before Thanksgiving to new years I try to stay at home as much as possible
19:45 The flashbacks I got from childhood 😭😭😭
Once, for the first time in over 40 years, my family's gathering decided on Xmas eve, to tell everyone, except me, to come in pajamas.
I felt so embarassed and uncomfortable, being in the fancy clothes, and having to explain to most everyone, nobody told me. I love wearing my pajamas all day long. Almost feels they purposefully excluded me. I felt embarrassed on top of feeling physically annoyed.
My family is all NT, I'm the only autistic one. I've used covid as a real reason to not attend extended family xmas any more.
Ryan, you are the best at explaining these big and small variation differences between NT and ND.
This topic is hardly talked about, it's been years since I've asked my family to stop giving me presents and to not expect any presents from me. I prefer to go out with friends and make memories rather than accumulate things I really don't need.
As a former abused child from narcissistic parents, I have learned to take care of myself but to no avail. It wasn't until my grandfather found out about it and removed me from their home. My dear uncle and aunt made sure that I felt safe and had some accommodations, such as what you described as "casing the joint" They did so for my cousins and for me.
As for comfort foods, each of us had one, including my uncle. It wasn't until I was in my mid-twenties that I was diagnosed and I called them. My sweet uncle told me 'Yea, we suspected you might be different but didn't want to have you diagnosed yet. And that way we avoided you being bullied or tagged by others. We tried our best for you and the boys' I cried so happily. Lol! We did not celebrate Christmas 'cause we are Pagans but we were taught to respect other religions. I still don't celebrate Christmas but enjoy the nostalgic old-fashioned music. 😉🎄🎆
Love this! Thanks for the time stamps / index!
Excellent advice, Orion. Thank you.
Brilliant video Orion brilliant.
Brilliant. Thank you so much. A genuine gift. Love this!
Thank you, I really needed this 😍.
Great advice! 👍
Thank you for the help.😊
Thank you so much for this ♥️🙏🏻♥️💚🙏🏻🌟 Happy Christmas to you and your family ❤🎄♥️
Helpful video. Thank you.
That’s a really good video ☺️