YES I agree about it being too hard to receive too many emotions from the other person. If somebody raises their voice just a pinch more than usual I feel like I’m being scolded or yelled at the entire conversation.
Sure wish I could talk with you. It took me 17 years in a family to realize that the family is on the spectrum. Father has HFA and mother on spectrum with ocd issues. Their sons (my husband),..some grandchildren and now great grandchildren are being diagnosed left & right. It has been a long, long road, full of misunderstandings, not being able to discuss problems or important matters and far too many things to list. 😢 I always wondered why his father, at 75 yrs old would get so easily angered and actually have a tantrum like a child…?? That was what sent me looking closely at some of his other quirky traits 🤷🏻♀️. His speech, his walk and body stance, grinning at wrong times and things. Much more. So,..here I am trying to learn and understand this all by myself becauseyou forno one else wants to look deeper into it. Thank you for sharing your experience and personal perspectives with us out here!!! 😊
I’m so sorry you feel that way!! I feel like that too quite often. Most people do sometimes. I bet you’re awesome but that you’re too hard on yourself. ❤
@@sammnew Thank you for your kind words. However, the truth of the matter is that my life is far from awesome. I'm 37 and I still live under my grandma's roof. I'm jobless, no car, no gf, no substantial progress. I'm also chronically ill due to some acupuncture malpractice I underwent about a decade ago. Overall, having autism sucks BIG TIME! 😐
I'm not sure if I'm horrified or relieved that everyone of these topics manifests in my daily life - not just me then. My wife was at my last session when i was given my diagnosis a couple of years ago. What i said to the assessor at the time was " what your telling me is I pretty much spent the last 25 years unintentionally torturing my wife" . Horrible husband indeed.
All the responsibility is put on to me but my husband whom I suspect is autistic, challenges my choices and decisions. This destroys my confidence and I just feel totally unsupported and exhausted when I'm trying my best to cope. We have a special needs D with uncontrolled epilepsy.
So, is an assessment planned? If not, why not? I can't speak usefully on your statement about challenging all your choices and decisions based on a lack of information and... I'd like to think that should give you some insight as to why he challenges, because I am certainly autistic and if I think more clarification is needed, I'll challenge.
I think the idea of being a horrible husband is relative. Not ever putting the milk back in the fridge might be thoughtless, but as a psychotherapist I meet women who suffer for decades because of truly horrible husbands. From my perspective, therefore, Orion, you are one of the good ones.
My intimacy issues are the reason i am happy to be single. I hate skin-to-skin contact from anyone. I even hated affection as a kid. "Meeting the right person" won't change my mind and I am tired of hearing it will. I am satisfied being single and am not lonely and miserable, so let me be!
Thank you for talking about intimacy! Super important topic. Also YES I think my husband feels I argue a lot. He says I’m a “devils advocate” because I’m always presenting the opposite of what he’s saying. I just see it as being thorough and helping come to the best solution!
The one about time. I literally had an experience last week and your explanation really helped. My husband started a new job. I asked about when he was leaving and when he would be home. He informed me that I had kept asking him that question. It made me wonder why his answers never settled me and I wondered if I was being a bit stalk-ish 😀. So he drew out a graph (which helped) and then explained on most days he would be home between this time and that time. The graph and his explanation totally helped it sink in for me to understand.
One of the biggest challenges my autistic wife and I have with communication isn't actually us, but when outsiders will "catch" patterns in our successful communication. We do a lot of things that would be considered "toxic" in a neurotypical relationship. I will deep explain things for her she doesn't understand and others will take it as "mansplaining". I will sometimes speak VERY blunt and direct to her, especially when she is melting down, and others will take it as harsh and "abusive". I will simplify what I say to her to match our definitions of words and concepts, and outsiders will read it as I'm "talking down" to her. We have been married for 20+ years and one of the things that amazes me is how when do the thing we aren't supposed to it works, and when we do what we're supposed to, it often ends up a massive dumpster fire. Then again that sounds perfectly autistic too.
Maybe she doesn't have any self esteem ? Have you thought that? Because that is exactly what it is. Your condition doesn't give you the right to not work on modifying it. You are just a jerk with capital letters, because you are VERY aware of what you do . Shame on you.. that isn't asperger that is you being.. well you know... a jerk. I doubt she will wake up at this point but that woman was before meeting you damaged
I don't know where my original comment went..but I didn't say anything that wasn't the truth. Dude.. you have no idea how incredibly wrong what you just stated is . The fact that you are VERY aware of what you do is unexceptable. This condition doesn't give you the right to do what you do when you even know it isn't right. The only reason I can think your relationship has lasted this long is because she doesn't have any self esteem.. have you thought of that? you with low self esteem making sure hers is just as low. I say this because what you have described, I have experienced it and it is a lot worse than what it sounds, Believe me. Is like you are constantly treated as a child .. or worse like the asperger partner is a slave owner and you are "dismissed" or talked down like some kind of 18th century servant. It is extremely hurtful specifically when we are hurt and talking about something important to us. Talk about crushing your self worth! Believe me if "others" actually said something, it's because is more than just bad. At least when I was with my asperger partner, 1st I had no idea what exactly was happening . 2nd He had no idea either 3rd he rarely did it in public. I can't even wrap my head around you proudly sharing this like it actually works... yes it works with a very damage women. Shame on you sorry but it has to be said
@@raindrops4788 My goodness, that was a bit of a harsh reply! How do you know she doesn't welcome things being explained to her? It's better than not being able to understand a conversation, and being forced to realise you cannot be part of it because you have lost track. When I read this, it seemed they were in a happy, longterm relationship, and therefore would have discussed such things until they were happy with their social interaction. And in his case, what you would regard as the injured party was the autistic one. In your case, the autistic person is the offender.
Omg 2:48, we can't take a compliment... ten years ago a beautiful woman told me that I was "the most attractive girl she has ever met." I immediately brushed it off as "she's just so narcissistic she has to say these things to make people like her." Events that followed indicated I may have totally broken her heart. Ten years later, I'm totally haunted by this. (Not to mention she took my autistic tendency for all social interaction to have a purpose as me 'using' her. We autistics are all so pure but so confused by these social dances!)
So I recently put the pieces together that I am probably autistic. And this video (and some of the other similar ones on your channel) (a) clinched it for me, because oh yeah, these are all things that happened before my divorce (oops) (b) oh, THAT's what he meant?! Oops. :D THANK YOU for offering these hacks, because, frankly, there's a lot of videos out there that are "hi, I'm autistic, and here's 'weird' stuff about me" or "I'm autistic and I'm here to tell the allistic (non-autistic) folks how to deal with us." I, for one, am grateful for your explanations that help me navigate the allistic world. And now, I will continue on my binge-watching and no doubt comment on a dozen more of your videos. Thank you!
Horrible Wife here... Fixing problems is what I do. Offering a fix is my way of showing I care. You offered a lot of fixes today. Thank you for sharing... And caring! Take care, my friend!
Ok I just went back and watched this without distractions. Great video as always! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing the areas that can be tough to talk about. I feel guilty when I need alone time and can hear the kids playing in the other room with my husband, but I know I need to have it to help me get through the rest of the day!
Fantastic content, my ex couldn’t understand my need for alone time and definitely use to guilt me into meeting his constant emotional needs and the need/want for me to socialise with his friends and family I did great until it all came to a screeching halt as I reached massive burn out which then affected everything in my life hence why he’s my ex, I just couldn’t do it anymore, it’s pretty sucky really some NT’s just can’t understand no matter how hard you try to explain.
Ditto. Mine totally freaked out when I set up a little meditation room for desperately needed alone time. He literally kept pushing the door open and running away like a 12 yr old bully. That, plus his increasing meltdowns and rage-fits over every little thing- was truly the beginning of the end. I am the Neurotypical partner- but his abandonment issues were so pathological that he couldn't stand for me to set that boundary of just an hour or two a day.
I was with a girl for 9 years & the last 3 was terrible as I could no longer do the socialising, I encouraged her to go out...sadly she then met a guy who was more sociable. I've been married to a brilliant woman for 12 years now who is super sociable, I'm struggling with it again and encouraged her to go out and now my anxiety goes through the roof waiting for a repeat. Or my anxiety is through the roof as I'm forcing myself to go out...& I have a crap time & she has a crap time. 🤯😳
I'm stunned to hear you explain what I thought was a subtle feeling in myself. I could never understand why I got mad at adults taking longer than they anticipated. There was no emergency, why should I care but I did. This is one of the smallest but maybe most powerful examples of how I really am just discovering myself at 55 years old. Thank you!
I am single and yes people annoy me if I am around them for too long. I don't have a friend group cause I don't keep in contact with people (have a bit of an out of sight out of mind with the occasional popup thought), on the whole it doesn't bother me. I feel you juggling the wanting to be alone with the needs of the people that you have chosen to spend permanent time with.
I thought my husband was a telepathic empath. I didn't actually need to communicate verbally with him. Imagine my surprise decades after our divorce when I realized that he wasn't telepathic. 😳
Thank you Orion! This is THE most helpful talk on autistic challenges I've heard so faf. You''ve explanned SO clearly why the people loses to me get so annoysd. I'm 70, rapidly going blind, and i live with a family who attend the same church as myself. I cried all day yesterday because they were so angry when I suggested one of them use a larger bowl to beat 6 eggs in. I could not understand why they get so angry, - but now I do! BLESS YOU for being so honest and unbiased. You are the first RUclips with autism that I've listened to who can see both paeries' points of view and give kind and valid advice. 😀
I had to laugh around your discussion around lateness. I'm ASD, and my partner is ADHD. So it's really good that I can tolerate schedule changes better than some.
My hubbie has Asoergers, tourettes and sensory issues....and weve been tog for nearly 34 years. I will send him links to your videos...we are Aust too, so he will feel better - I hope. Youre very helpful. And yes, all the helpful things youve suggested weve done it all the relationship. Very encouraging to watch 🙂
After getting divorced, fundamentally because of my mental health, I had decided to never get into a relationship again. Despite advances, I push women away to protect them from potentially falling in love with me. I feel like I passively hurt people that get close too me. I also feel like I sometimes need to know that I can leave this world and I don't want to hurt more people if I do.
This has resonated with me so much. My wife left me 4 weeks because I was a 'horrible husband'. For our time together I could never understand why I am the way I am but over the last 3 months of hours and hours of research I now have a referral to be tested for Autism. I've watched so many of your videos and each one speaks to me and describes exactly who I am and what I am.....I truly believe I am a 48 year old autistic adult that has gone undiagnosed and been masking for so long I didn't realise that what the root cause of my behaviours. Thank you for helping me make sense of my life.....finally.
My husband is adhd and aspergers and I used to get upset at some of these things but now I see things differently, he's not being hurtful and getting angry at something innocent hurts him. I feel we have both helped each other grow.
Lists are my secret weapon for knocking out multiple tasks whether its work, chores, friends, hobbies. I've gone from not being able to do my simple math homework to now managing several multimillion $ construction projects with flawless precision. I keep a legal pad on my coffee table and another one for work. Whenever something needs done or is cluttering my mind, i just write it down. Now its really easy for me to see that if its on the list, its very important, and my day consists of crossing off as many action items as possible, with loosley schedule break times and at say 5pm, im done with the list for the day. Whenever im feeling burned out i go down the list, feel great again about all the stuff ive accomplished that is crossed out. Anything im hung up on i just cross it off and break it down in to simpler easier tasks. Then i write down any loose ideas. Then i either pick something easy to tackle to gain some momentum in my day, or i can at least see what is of dire importance to move on next. Its essentially a very organized yet loose journaling technique for practical application. It documents progress, gives a format to include important information like names, dates, phone numbers as things get knocked out. Ive moved on from a mess of sticky notes, calendar reminders, white boards, spreadsheets, etc and now i just have that legal pad. Every month or so it gets full and i put it on the shelf with the other volumes. Its fun to pick out an old one and see what i was up to. I date most of my pages so it's kind of fun to go back in time and see how far i have grown. I also SWEAR by my Sammsung note phone. I can just whip out the stilus and write down any fleeting adhd thought before i lose it, without getting distracted by the 50 unread texts and 300 emails. Then those phone notes get teansferred to my legal pad usually while i have my morning coffee.
Thank you so much Orion for your transparency! It’s helped me realise so many things I do in my marriage are because I’m autistic, whereas before I thought those things were what most regular guys thought/did. “…this is a ‘thing’..” 😂😂😂 My wife and I watched this together - enormously helpful, thank you!!!
This is really good and helpful. I would love to see even more content about marriage/relationship issues. I'm the suspected autistic (getting evaluated next week) so it's a little different I guess being a wife, but I felt like a lot of this was helpful. I especially struggle with feeling like a bad wife, not just because of the communication issues and struggle with emotional intimacy, but also because my husband works long hours and I work part time, so I'm in charge of cooking and household duties. Which is fine, but I can't ever keep up and struggle to get through what I need to do. He's very kind about it, but I'm a perfectionist and have an idea of how I feel I "ought" to be.
YYYYYYYYYUP!!!!!! Wonderful video. I so often feel like a horrible wife, because of my meltdowns which are devastating to my guy :(, and my need for so much alone time. 💗 I often suspect that my husband is autistic. He does a lot of things you were talking about. But he thinks he's as "neurotypical as they come". Sigh.
Orion. As a woman, self diagnosed, I'm supposed to be affectionate and touchy feely. Like you, I'm not cold but I do vary. Strangely, when I am feeling triggered or upset, that is when I can find touch too much or claustrophobic. Yet, I do yearn for cuddles at other times when others don't feel like it. As a woman, I wouldn't say I'm super logical but certainly I'm more logical than the average neurotypical woman. I am very emotional and through therapy, I'm a lot better now at explaining my feelings. In past relationships, I have found that the men are often finding fault with me and are disappointed with me in some way. I tend to be extreme. Either I'm too attentive and clingy or if I'm involved with something I'm passionate about, they will be relegated to second place and I won't be present for them. You are right. A lot of extra frustrating explanations are required, even though this doesn't come naturally. I do enjoy socialising to a degree. It can be fun for a while until I can feel the familiar tiredness encroaching and realise I'm zoning out or becoming overwhelmed. At that point, I will need to make my excuses and leave early like Cinderella at the ball. It is slightly different for women on the autistic spectrum. We are not AS single minded but we do have other challenges which many neurotypical men don't appear to relish and certainly aren't aware of. I am not married yet, partly because it's taken me so long to figure this out without much help from the medical establishment. Thanks for ALL you do and God bless your ministry. ❤👍🙏
I hate when plans that I've made in my own head, and not necessarily told anyone, don't turn out the way I expected, but otherwise, I'm not really rigid timewise? I have time blindness so I can't tell how long a minute is anyway. I struggle to form and keep routines actually. I do like to know things plan wise, ahead of time, like where I'm supposed to park at an event. I think details like that help me to be on time so I can take into account everything that I need to.
I've been married coming up to a year with my asd husband and these resources have been so valuable as I navigate our relationship. And these more "negative" or real experiences have actually had an interesting effect in our relationship. I'm constantly learning about neurodiverse relationship and the dynamics present, and have attempted to accommodate my husband and his needs according to my understanding of his blend of autism(if I may be allowed to call it that). The interesting effect I mentioned is while I believe my personality just so happens to complement my husband's, I've tailored my approach so much through videos like these that he actually seeks out my company, and through a recent blunder have come to realize he wants me chatter away and doesn't want as much alone time and I thought he would appreciate having. But I've mellowed down a lot being around him, so he has a bit more of the spotlight when he chooses for it. TLDR these types of informative videos have been invaluable to the (I would like to think)success of my relationship and I thank you so much
How I wish we had watched this forty-odd years ago when we got married. Sadly he died two years ago, and since then I am coming to a growing realisation that he was autistic and I have AuDHD. We stuck with it and stayed together, helped by our Christian faith; and most of it was good, but a little understanding of this could have blown away some of those moments when I felt frustrated and upset with our marriage. Too late now.
It’s insane how much I relate to this exact feeling all the time. And it’s amazing that you can put it into words for me. I can never tell my significant other how I feel. And I always wish I had the words. This is it. And I wish I felt like I didn’t have to fix everything.
Most of this describes well the reasons that my relationships have never worked - I haven't gotten to the point of being a horrible husband. The "you don't really love me" response has ended things well before that was ever possible.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and honesty. As an autistic husband and father who also had major trauma and C-PTSD, I struggle with this exact thing and your videos are so completely helpful and healing. They let me know I'm not alone in this.
Great video and relatable topic for me! My husband starts conversations with disclaimers and that does help a bunch! We use Discord to communicate, which helps me process. Glad you're back!
Thanks, Orion, for the work you do. The more open discussion on this subject helps those of us who are coming out to our friends and family. This gives me something to point to in order to explain how my Autism was missed throughout my childhood and then misdiagnosed as bipolar in the late eighties. It also might help me to explain to my family members who are also Autistic. I fully believe that my Dad is, my mom was, and two of my sisters and some of their children are Autistic. Not to mention that so many of my aunts and uncles are also Autistic. My father's father was a musical genius and came from a family of musical geniuses. They can play any instrument you put in front of them within minutes even if they've never even touched that instrument before. Those kind of people tend to have children who are Autistic. Many of them now are in STEM occupations as was I. I only wish that I had gotten some of that musicality myself. I merely play drums and sing. One of the most painful symptoms of Autism I've displayed is for example, when my wife would reach out to touch me on my arm or shoulder etc. and I don't see her hand coming it would cause me to jerk, twitch, jump, or even yell. That is very bad for a relationship. There's so much more but I'm trying to find other ways to be intimate that I can also enjoy, not talking about sex. Because of this need we have for alone time, I do have a space that is very similar to a "man-cave". I have my little area in the office with my computers where I spend all of the time I have for myself. I wear headphones but I am available for anything my wife needs since that's in the center of our house. I remind her frequently, like several times a week, that I'm always available and ready to do whatever she needs from me.
This may have been the most helpful one so far. The "arguing/debating" and my need to try and problem-solve are some of the biggest barriers to communication with my spouse (ADHD but not autistic), it's something that comes up semi-regularly and I just don't know how else to express myself and my care. Definitely showing this to them later, and I really appreciate that you provided potential solutions for not just the allistic partner, but for the autistic partner too. Thank you!!
Good to have you back! Great video and totally relatable. Some differences, especially on friendship, because I am female and desire friends but have a hard time connecting. I loved your explanation on the algorithm process of the brain from prior conversations. It made me giggle but totally get it. I love your honesty. Sometimes it's just nice to explain why you see that you feel/think you're a horrible spouse. Being told your being "too hard on yourself" or any other things like it, is a sense of feeling like your thoughts and feelings are disqualified. When really what you are expressing is totally valid.
You definitely are *not* horrible. But I respect how there are so many needs and hardwiring differences that can make us conclude that we'll never deserve a committed, interpersonal relationship. It's like, "Why would t/hey want a person as unfamiliar with human connection as me? Did this person make a mistake? Should t/hey even love me?" From her presence, you are learning how anesthetized your interpersonal needs are. It doesn't *feel* like it's a need, sort of like having a chronic nutrient deficiency and only feeling healthy when someone makes a complicated meal you never dreamed of making. Meanwhile other people crave it so badly they make it hard for us to get the recipe, let alone the chance to be whole and happy ourselves. But slowly, you see the difference and work to make it happen. This video is like that recipe. I don't know if this analogy makes any sense. Let me know.
hahahah. I love @5:00. If anyone ever tells me their problems, I will immediately provide them with a bullet point list complete with web links or any information necessary for them to go and fix their issues. I wondered if that was an autistic trait. I don't think anyone has ever taken my advice - they just wait a week or two and whine about the same thing again, as if I hadn't already solve their problems.
Yes, as a young man in my first relationship my former girlfriend said I was always wanting to fix things and as a early 20 year old not knowing I was autistic I thought it was wrong. I still don't truly understand emotional support though I have read up on it. After my marriage ended due to suspicions of being a narcissist by a professional I got support and started looking at being autistic (awaiting diagnosis on a waiting list) due to the clear markers. Thanks Orion these videos are insightful and supportive.
As a late-diagnosed(?), high-masking wife (married 30 years): I just realized that I can dish out emotions very well, But cannot receive them very well. Thank you 🙏🏻
I would like to add another point. Although I am yet to have an official diagnosis (on the waiting list) when I first met my wife I was heavily masking and so I feel like a shitty husband as I feel like I was lieing to my wife about who I was (even though I didn't know at the time I was masking) it took me 9 years before I started showing the real me. I find that the hardest thing to deal with.
Glad to see your feeling better. Good video, I think all people ASD or not need to learn to keep an open mind about what others say and find solutions in relationships so everyones need are being addressed as best they can.
I think youre fine. If you have an understanding wife,I'm sure she is used to you. Maybe try communicating how you feel,if that would help you feel better. I don't know how it is,but I think if she understands that you come and go,she will probably be ok with it. You might be over worrying a little bit? I don't know.... alone time is a physical need that needs a shout out! Some of us need MORE alone time then most other people,and that is ok! Make sure your family knows you love them but you physically need to be alone.
I understand this and I'm still undiagnosed. Even though one of my my children was diagnosed and another didn't want the diagnosis, because of the stigma. I want answers because I am stuck, because of bullcrap. You are a great husband and father. I understand where you are coming from. Yet, if you deal some people who are narcissistic. It can be difficult. My sensory issues can make it hard because of certain individuals. I always try to show & be faithful to loved one's despite things going on. You are there and your trying to be present. Routine is important. I haven't been allowed to have this in a long time. It can frustrating. Yet, I try to have a positive attitude, no matter what. Thank you. ❤
Please do more videos of this please 🙏🏽 I feel like I haven't fully understood why my husband does the things he does and I want to understand him more instead of seeing him the way others do.
I get told off for needing alone time any more than the bare minimum, being told I’m selfish for wanting my own hobbies etc where I can decompress. Very frustrating. My wife thinks I’m likely autistic but sees it as a problem I have to deal with and change. Not that simple. Also she doesn’t understand the overwhelm and meltdown thing that comes with excessive stress, and that I should just suck it up because that’s what good men do.
Thank you so much for this video. We recently discovered we are both autistic, but very differently. We have been married for 34 years and this video has explained so much and will definetly help our relationship.
This intimicy thing.... I feel constantly bad, my partner really need a lot of touching (his major love language) and he brings it up a lot that he does not feel appreciated and loved. And that makes me shut down. I really want to be more touchy but it's sooo hard. Also when I sometimes is reactive and automaticly shake him of or cringe when he just suddenly softly touches me makes me feel so bad. I don't mean to do that. All of this resonates with me.
This is so fascinating. You don't sound like a horrible husband. It seems very important for both people in these situations to have knowledge about autism and a good amount of communication about each other's needs. In every healthy relationship on the planet, there are usually compromises being made on each side. I have to wonder, are there less personality clashes in relationships between two autistic people? Is it common for autistic people to date each other?
Regarding lateness, it's not necessarily that for me. It can just be a schedule change. If someone says they are going to do something at X time, I expect them to do that or go where ever at X time. Not 20 minutes earlier or 30 minutes later or, heaven forbid not at all! It has less to do with my personal schedule than it does with it merely being a change. It irks me because it's a change. "You said that you were going to do blah at X time. What happened?" That said, extreme lateness will annoy me; as it does many neurotypical people too. If you're going to be more than 30 minutes late, let me know. My wife with whom I'm separated was often 1.5 to 2.5 hours late with no phone call, email or text saying, "Hey, things are taking longer than I thought . . . . " Yeah, communication is key on both sides. That said, I'm guilty of not communicating too. Oh, but it's perfectly fine then. Yeah, not really.
You’re never stuck. Just know that. He will have to pay his debts to you including child support. No reason to be in a marriage when you can be by yourself and be miserable too. I hate this for all NT women who are going through this. Nothing like being abused!
Bit of constructive criticism and unsolicited advice. 😅 I feel like your communication issue re problem solving is more of a gender problem than ND problem. Men tend to want to solve problems and women just want to be heard… 🤷🏻♀️ Would love to see this topic discussed with an autistic woman, so we can see where the overlap is for neurodivergence. 🤔 Also, many ND people are actually with other ND partners, and I understand you are with a NT, but I’d love to see less NT comparisons re relationships as most of these issues are relevant for ND partners too. 🤷🏻♀️ Thanks for getting the conversation going!! ☺️👍
Thanks so much for your comments on the video. I completely disagree with you regarding the problem solving point. However, I’m grateful for your point of view.
@@orionkelly as a ND afab, I can tell you, my brain is not wired to automatically provide solutions when presented with a problem. This may be true on paper, in school during a test or when presented with a challenge, but when a person talks to me, I'm not necessarily looking to solve their problem, nor to view it in a rational manner. I feel very connected to my emotional side, even though I totally fail to express it in an accurate manner, and I can myself go on and on talking about my problems to other people, while simply not wanting them to provide me with a solution. Because, no matter what the problem is, you better bet I have already turned and twisted the issue in every direction, thought of all the possible solutions and carefully reflected on every way it could ever be interpreted from the outside. So I hate when people go like "oh, have you thought of (insert simplest solution ever)?" Makes me feel like I sound stupid and it makes me feel like I'm not worth listening to. Also, because I struggle with understanding that other people might not think the same way, I tend to assume it's the case for them to, which means I don't provide solutions. I can sometimes come off as extremely rude when I just sit there saying nothing cause my brain is having a hard time finding anything appropriate to say, as well. It's like my problem solving skills just magically disappear. And I've heard a lot of other autistic females say the same/similar things about processing emotions.
A lot of the topics you’ve covered are perfectly normal and respective. without which can lead to resentment due to a lack of communication. I try always to keep all the people in my life whether casual friends of family informed as to my arrival times and I consider it rude when people to not do the same
In relation to people I feel bad, in relation to my pets, animals I am a wonderful, supercaring, superloving person......what a polarity ay................yes, haha you are so right Nts just like to talk about how they feel, usually rotten....I don't talk about my problems, I solve them....what is the point of complaining everyday "oh, this hurts, that hurts", it doesn't solve it...
Every video, you hit the mark. I'm not sure if Autistic tendencies is a lazy diagnosis but I know with every fiber of my being I'm on the spectrum. Medically as a female it's been extremely difficult to get the proper diagnosis.
I don't even bother with the diagnosis. I know for some need it to feel validated. But the thought of getting insurance, finding a doctor, going threw the hoops, getting the testing and in the end.... I don't get help because I'm 39. I'm an expert at masking so for me personally. No reason for a diagnosis.
I get my alone time late at night for few hours. But the real alone time I look forward to every year is my wife taking the kids to visit her mom. That's great time for me to dive in my special interest or start something new. It's a recharge for me, a week or two on my own. This year, my daughter isn't going and in my brain I'm panicking. I'm not going to get my alone time this year and it's driving me crazy. When I first met my wife I told her we'd have to live in separate houses because of this. I question why she married in first place. Would someone go running away for saying that.
I didn't hear this in there.. but I can be a public embarrassment for my spouse.. this is especially true during a meltdown but even just not being socially aware has caused some hardship for them.
Sooo in probably all my relationships I've let them end because I don't want to make them go thru these things that your wife goes thru with you. My brain thinks that I would be or it would be unfair to my partner in that it would seem that she is/was putting more effort into the relationship than I am/have/would.. And I don't have the official diagnosis to point to my issues because I hide them well with my perfect masking.
Who else loves the feeling of their fingernails in a rubbery steering wheel??? I had to put a cover on mine before i ruined it. Now the cover is ruined too lol.
I enjoyed listening to the video about reading comments you were opening up your figurative heart about understanding what was written to you in the comments section of personal emails there were many to consider and sort out. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings truthfully. Sincerely Eric M Howard II Philadelphia Pa. Land of the Liberty Bell.
I think to black and white when it comes to thoughts and opinions. Shit distractions. At work I'm constantly distracted. Also don't mess with me in my personal time. My wife never understood why I didn't like to go out and attend family functions.
Im very introverted and making time for friends and family and relationships is so painful. I have all these special interests and i usually choose to do a solo activity. I have so many revolving special interests i sometimes overwhelm myself and i get sad when i dont get to all my hobbies and thoughts. My best friends do all my social planning and i just tag along when i feel up to it, but they usually dont pressure me to be anywhere, however a guilt trip can be helpful. I just like to be told a time and a place and ill generally areangw what Im doing which isnt typically all that time critical. If i say im showing up, i always come through, although im typically a half hour late. Those are the best friends for folks like me. My best friend is also autistic and his special interest has always been heavy metal bands, so he is always buying tickets without a clue who he may bring. If i go along i usually buy us the merch and after a couple of beers im usually feeling better. But im usually ready to go before the show ends. The next few days or even an entire week ill need to spend alone though.
I wouldn't have thought that time perception could differ so much between neuro typical/divergent people. I will always call my collegues/boss when I'm gonna be 5 mn late ! Obviously, no one else does this. Which means if I can't advise anyone I'm being delayed, they will get super worried.
Most my feelings around being a horrible wife are to do with money or aversion to supermarkets. Then I have the usual guilt (wife or not) or wanting to be alone & ignore people around me - it's not all the time but fairly often.
people either talk to me normally or condescendingly. also theres poor communication in my house and people dont tell me things or the full story and i get upset. my dad over explains to the point where i zone out. same with the intimacy thing, any bedroom things are a no even just a kiss or hand hold i dont like. it makes me not want to go out with my bf (he's non autistic) because even though hes ok with me and my feelings i still feel pressured
I cryed at this video... i recognize me as a very bad and... uh, useless... partner... although i struggle to do as much as possible i can do to help and collaborate... it seems that all i trye to do is wrong... very frustrating...
I have a problem. I am the neurotypical in our relationship. I adore him. But when I do things he doesn't like he will say very hurtful things. Call me dumb. I end up feeling abused and sad. I understand why he is bothered by my indecisiveness or several other things wich I don't know how to change about myself but I cannot condone being offended every time something bothers him. What can I do? Every time he gets frustrated with me he attacks
I feel our wife's need to start a support group. Women with an autistic husband and child ... And one NT child. Specific, yes. But relatable. And .... AND they could talk to each other about their issues ... And never fix them.
I feel the same way about friends, and I've been there, collecting friends. I want friends, but it's hard to find any that actually stick around. I feel the same way about being a horrible husband as well. Only thing is that my husband doesn't understand that I am autistic so he is always angry with me about so much. I've explained what happens to me, but still I have no respect. I have a feeling that he is a narcissist.
lol my husband and I are only just now getting our official asd screenings after half our lifetimes and almost 24 years of marriage - we have an amazing time because we share a lot of the same special interests and regard each other as a special interest even, but boy are we a mess sometimes 😅 hang in there y'all ❤
I feel like a horrible way of every day due to the lack of empathy that I may unable to get from my autistic husband because his brain doesn’t work that way. You may feel horrible at times, but I feel awful all the time. I love my husband very muchthat I am losing myself completely. I am becoming a shell of a person. I am an unwatered plant.
Intimacy: Not just you my friend. Though I'm one who needs a lot of touch, other areas have made me completely give up in the area of intimacy. It has had a really bad impact on my marriage but it's easier for everyone I think. I also do not get why people share anything if they don't want them fixed. Like why are you wasting so much time on this if you don't want it fixed? If you don't want it fixed, don't think about it...
I'm married to another autistic person and we decided not to have kids, so it makes things a lot easier. I don't have to feel like I'm letting people down as much... except at work, lol.
YES I agree about it being too hard to receive too many emotions from the other person. If somebody raises their voice just a pinch more than usual I feel like I’m being scolded or yelled at the entire conversation.
Me too!
Sure wish I could talk with you. It took me 17 years in a family to realize that the family is on the spectrum. Father has HFA and mother on spectrum with ocd issues. Their sons (my husband),..some grandchildren and now great grandchildren are being diagnosed left & right. It has been a long, long road, full of misunderstandings, not being able to discuss problems or important matters and far too many things to list. 😢 I always wondered why his father, at 75 yrs old would get so easily angered and actually have a tantrum like a child…?? That was what sent me looking closely at some of his other quirky traits 🤷🏻♀️. His speech, his walk and body stance, grinning at wrong times and things. Much more. So,..here I am trying to learn and understand this all by myself becauseyou forno one else wants to look deeper into it. Thank you for sharing your experience and personal perspectives with us out here!!! 😊
It's really hard for us to acknowledge compliments because we usually feel inadequate. I seriously feel like a complete failure 24/7 😐
For real. Especially if your job has a social component and you struggle with that.
I’m so sorry you feel that way!! I feel like that too quite often. Most people do sometimes. I bet you’re awesome but that you’re too hard on yourself. ❤
@@sammnew Thank you for your kind words. However, the truth of the matter is that my life is far from awesome. I'm 37 and I still live under my grandma's roof. I'm jobless, no car, no gf, no substantial progress. I'm also chronically ill due to some acupuncture malpractice I underwent about a decade ago. Overall, having autism sucks BIG TIME! 😐
I'm not sure if I'm horrified or relieved that everyone of these topics manifests in my daily life - not just me then. My wife was at my last session when i was given my diagnosis a couple of years ago. What i said to the assessor at the time was " what your telling me is I pretty much spent the last 25 years unintentionally torturing my wife" . Horrible husband indeed.
All the responsibility is put on to me but my husband whom I suspect is autistic, challenges my choices and decisions. This destroys my confidence and I just feel totally unsupported and exhausted when I'm trying my best to cope. We have a special needs D with uncontrolled epilepsy.
So, is an assessment planned? If not, why not?
I can't speak usefully on your statement about challenging all your choices and decisions based on a lack of information and... I'd like to think that should give you some insight as to why he challenges, because I am certainly autistic and if I think more clarification is needed, I'll challenge.
I think the idea of being a horrible husband is relative. Not ever putting the milk back in the fridge might be thoughtless, but as a psychotherapist I meet women who suffer for decades because of truly horrible husbands. From my perspective, therefore, Orion, you are one of the good ones.
Mr. Kelly thank you so much for making me feel like l'm not an alien creature, and am a human being that deserves a place on earth
My intimacy issues are the reason i am happy to be single. I hate skin-to-skin contact from anyone. I even hated affection as a kid. "Meeting the right person" won't change my mind and I am tired of hearing it will. I am satisfied being single and am not lonely and miserable, so let me be!
I absolutely respect that.
Thank you for talking about intimacy! Super important topic.
Also YES I think my husband feels I argue a lot. He says I’m a “devils advocate” because I’m always presenting the opposite of what he’s saying. I just see it as being thorough and helping come to the best solution!
💯 it’s good to not feel alone.
I do this all the time to everyone. I have realized that people can feel like I'm not on their side but I don't mean to be oppositional
@@orionkelly I’m tired of being alone. I’m filling for a divorce. Can’t take this anymore and won’t. It’s not fair to me.
I feel that way, too. And I am a wife 😊 This really helps. Thank you🙏🏻
The one about time. I literally had an experience last week and your explanation really helped. My husband started a new job. I asked about when he was leaving and when he would be home. He informed me that I had kept asking him that question. It made me wonder why his answers never settled me and I wondered if I was being a bit stalk-ish 😀. So he drew out a graph (which helped) and then explained on most days he would be home between this time and that time. The graph and his explanation totally helped it sink in for me to understand.
One of the biggest challenges my autistic wife and I have with communication isn't actually us, but when outsiders will "catch" patterns in our successful communication.
We do a lot of things that would be considered "toxic" in a neurotypical relationship. I will deep explain things for her she doesn't understand and others will take it as "mansplaining". I will sometimes speak VERY blunt and direct to her, especially when she is melting down, and others will take it as harsh and "abusive". I will simplify what I say to her to match our definitions of words and concepts, and outsiders will read it as I'm "talking down" to her.
We have been married for 20+ years and one of the things that amazes me is how when do the thing we aren't supposed to it works, and when we do what we're supposed to, it often ends up a massive dumpster fire.
Then again that sounds perfectly autistic too.
Maybe she doesn't have any self esteem ? Have you thought that? Because that is exactly what it is.
Your condition doesn't give you the right to not work on modifying it. You are just a jerk with capital letters, because you are VERY aware of what you do . Shame on you.. that isn't asperger that is you being.. well you know... a jerk.
I doubt she will wake up at this point but that woman was before meeting you damaged
I don't know where my original comment went..but I didn't say anything that wasn't the truth.
Dude.. you have no idea how incredibly wrong what you just stated is .
The fact that you are VERY aware of what you do is unexceptable.
This condition doesn't give you the right to do what you do when you even know it isn't right.
The only reason I can think your relationship has lasted this long is because she doesn't have any self esteem.. have you thought of that? you with low self esteem making sure hers is just as low.
I say this because what you have described, I have experienced it and it is a lot worse than what it sounds, Believe me.
Is like you are constantly treated as a child .. or worse like the asperger partner is a slave owner and you are "dismissed" or talked down like some kind of 18th century servant. It is extremely hurtful specifically when we are hurt and talking about something important to us.
Talk about crushing your self worth!
Believe me if "others" actually said something, it's because is more than just bad.
At least when I was with my asperger partner,
1st I had no idea what exactly was happening .
2nd He had no idea either
3rd he rarely did it in public.
I can't even wrap my head around you proudly sharing this like it actually works... yes it works with a very damage women.
Shame on you sorry but it has to be said
@@raindrops4788
My goodness, that was a bit of a harsh reply! How do you know she doesn't welcome things being explained to her? It's better than not being able to understand a conversation, and being forced to realise you cannot be part of it because you have lost track.
When I read this, it seemed they were in a happy, longterm relationship, and therefore would have discussed such things until they were happy with their social interaction. And in his case, what you would regard as the injured party was the autistic one. In your case, the autistic person is the offender.
Omg 2:48, we can't take a compliment... ten years ago a beautiful woman told me that I was "the most attractive girl she has ever met." I immediately brushed it off as "she's just so narcissistic she has to say these things to make people like her." Events that followed indicated I may have totally broken her heart. Ten years later, I'm totally haunted by this. (Not to mention she took my autistic tendency for all social interaction to have a purpose as me 'using' her. We autistics are all so pure but so confused by these social dances!)
So I recently put the pieces together that I am probably autistic. And this video (and some of the other similar ones on your channel) (a) clinched it for me, because oh yeah, these are all things that happened before my divorce (oops) (b) oh, THAT's what he meant?! Oops. :D THANK YOU for offering these hacks, because, frankly, there's a lot of videos out there that are "hi, I'm autistic, and here's 'weird' stuff about me" or "I'm autistic and I'm here to tell the allistic (non-autistic) folks how to deal with us." I, for one, am grateful for your explanations that help me navigate the allistic world. And now, I will continue on my binge-watching and no doubt comment on a dozen more of your videos. Thank you!
Thanks so much for watching. I’m so grateful to hear it’s helpful.
Horrible Wife here... Fixing problems is what I do. Offering a fix is my way of showing I care. You offered a lot of fixes today. Thank you for sharing... And caring! Take care, my friend!
Ok I just went back and watched this without distractions. Great video as always! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing the areas that can be tough to talk about. I feel guilty when I need alone time and can hear the kids playing in the other room with my husband, but I know I need to have it to help me get through the rest of the day!
Fantastic content, my ex couldn’t understand my need for alone time and definitely use to guilt me into meeting his constant emotional needs and the need/want for me to socialise with his friends and family I did great until it all came to a screeching halt as I reached massive burn out which then affected everything in my life hence why he’s my ex, I just couldn’t do it anymore, it’s pretty sucky really some NT’s just can’t understand no matter how hard you try to explain.
Ditto. Mine totally freaked out when I set up a little meditation room for desperately needed alone time. He literally kept pushing the door open and running away like a 12 yr old bully. That, plus his increasing meltdowns and rage-fits over every little thing- was truly the beginning of the end. I am the Neurotypical partner- but his abandonment issues were so pathological that he couldn't stand for me to set that boundary of just an hour or two a day.
I was with a girl for 9 years & the last 3 was terrible as I could no longer do the socialising, I encouraged her to go out...sadly she then met a guy who was more sociable. I've been married to a brilliant woman for 12 years now who is super sociable, I'm struggling with it again and encouraged her to go out and now my anxiety goes through the roof waiting for a repeat. Or my anxiety is through the roof as I'm forcing myself to go out...& I have a crap time & she has a crap time. 🤯😳
@@markjd3108 sorry to hear 😔
Sooooo, true. I have a lot of needy NT’s in my life that won’t leave me alone.
so refreshing to see so many of us out there after thinking I am alone my whole life
I'm stunned to hear you explain what I thought was a subtle feeling in myself. I could never understand why I got mad at adults taking longer than they anticipated. There was no emergency, why should I care but I did. This is one of the smallest but maybe most powerful examples of how I really am just discovering myself at 55 years old. Thank you!
I can honestly say that I do need Orion Kelly...
I am single and yes people annoy me if I am around them for too long. I don't have a friend group cause I don't keep in contact with people (have a bit of an out of sight out of mind with the occasional popup thought), on the whole it doesn't bother me. I feel you juggling the wanting to be alone with the needs of the people that you have chosen to spend permanent time with.
When my neurotypical husband gets home I’m going to share this! Well put!
I thought my husband was a telepathic empath. I didn't actually need to communicate verbally with him. Imagine my surprise decades after our divorce when I realized that he wasn't telepathic. 😳
I thought mine was narcissistic. Nope ASD and I’m his 4th wife🙄
You can’t be serious Terrie 😂.
Thank you Orion! This is THE most helpful talk on autistic challenges I've heard so faf. You''ve explanned SO clearly why the people loses to me get so annoysd. I'm 70, rapidly going blind, and i live with a family who attend the same church as myself. I cried all day yesterday because they were so angry when I suggested one of them use a larger bowl to beat 6 eggs in. I could not understand why they get so angry, - but now I do! BLESS YOU for being so honest and unbiased. You are the first RUclips with autism that I've listened to who can see both paeries' points of view and give kind and valid advice. 😀
I had to laugh around your discussion around lateness. I'm ASD, and my partner is ADHD. So it's really good that I can tolerate schedule changes better than some.
My hubbie has Asoergers, tourettes and sensory issues....and weve been tog for nearly 34 years. I will send him links to your videos...we are Aust too, so he will feel better - I hope. Youre very helpful. And yes, all the helpful things youve suggested weve done it all the relationship. Very encouraging to watch 🙂
After getting divorced, fundamentally because of my mental health, I had decided to never get into a relationship again. Despite advances, I push women away to protect them from potentially falling in love with me. I feel like I passively hurt people that get close too me. I also feel like I sometimes need to know that I can leave this world and I don't want to hurt more people if I do.
This has resonated with me so much. My wife left me 4 weeks because I was a 'horrible husband'. For our time together I could never understand why I am the way I am but over the last 3 months of hours and hours of research I now have a referral to be tested for Autism. I've watched so many of your videos and each one speaks to me and describes exactly who I am and what I am.....I truly believe I am a 48 year old autistic adult that has gone undiagnosed and been masking for so long I didn't realise that what the root cause of my behaviours. Thank you for helping me make sense of my life.....finally.
My husband is adhd and aspergers and I used to get upset at some of these things but now I see things differently, he's not being hurtful and getting angry at something innocent hurts him. I feel we have both helped each other grow.
Lists are my secret weapon for knocking out multiple tasks whether its work, chores, friends, hobbies. I've gone from not being able to do my simple math homework to now managing several multimillion $ construction projects with flawless precision. I keep a legal pad on my coffee table and another one for work. Whenever something needs done or is cluttering my mind, i just write it down. Now its really easy for me to see that if its on the list, its very important, and my day consists of crossing off as many action items as possible, with loosley schedule break times and at say 5pm, im done with the list for the day. Whenever im feeling burned out i go down the list, feel great again about all the stuff ive accomplished that is crossed out. Anything im hung up on i just cross it off and break it down in to simpler easier tasks. Then i write down any loose ideas. Then i either pick something easy to tackle to gain some momentum in my day, or i can at least see what is of dire importance to move on next. Its essentially a very organized yet loose journaling technique for practical application. It documents progress, gives a format to include important information like names, dates, phone numbers as things get knocked out. Ive moved on from a mess of sticky notes, calendar reminders, white boards, spreadsheets, etc and now i just have that legal pad. Every month or so it gets full and i put it on the shelf with the other volumes. Its fun to pick out an old one and see what i was up to. I date most of my pages so it's kind of fun to go back in time and see how far i have grown. I also SWEAR by my Sammsung note phone. I can just whip out the stilus and write down any fleeting adhd thought before i lose it, without getting distracted by the 50 unread texts and 300 emails. Then those phone notes get teansferred to my legal pad usually while i have my morning coffee.
Thank you so much Orion for your transparency! It’s helped me realise so many things I do in my marriage are because I’m autistic, whereas before I thought those things were what most regular guys thought/did. “…this is a ‘thing’..” 😂😂😂 My wife and I watched this together - enormously helpful, thank you!!!
You are not a failure. You are funny and a great person who has ND thing, and you are doing a fantastic job!!
This is really good and helpful. I would love to see even more content about marriage/relationship issues. I'm the suspected autistic (getting evaluated next week) so it's a little different I guess being a wife, but I felt like a lot of this was helpful. I especially struggle with feeling like a bad wife, not just because of the communication issues and struggle with emotional intimacy, but also because my husband works long hours and I work part time, so I'm in charge of cooking and household duties. Which is fine, but I can't ever keep up and struggle to get through what I need to do. He's very kind about it, but I'm a perfectionist and have an idea of how I feel I "ought" to be.
YYYYYYYYYUP!!!!!! Wonderful video. I so often feel like a horrible wife, because of my meltdowns which are devastating to my guy :(, and my need for so much alone time. 💗
I often suspect that my husband is autistic. He does a lot of things you were talking about. But he thinks he's as "neurotypical as they come". Sigh.
Orion. As a woman, self diagnosed, I'm supposed to be affectionate and touchy feely. Like you, I'm not cold but I do vary. Strangely, when I am feeling triggered or upset, that is when I can find touch too much or claustrophobic. Yet, I do yearn for cuddles at other times when others don't feel like it. As a woman, I wouldn't say I'm super logical but certainly I'm more logical than the average neurotypical woman. I am very emotional and through therapy, I'm a lot better now at explaining my feelings. In past relationships, I have found that the men are often finding fault with me and are disappointed with me in some way. I tend to be extreme. Either I'm too attentive and clingy or if I'm involved with something I'm passionate about, they will be relegated to second place and I won't be present for them. You are right. A lot of extra frustrating explanations are required, even though this doesn't come naturally. I do enjoy socialising to a degree. It can be fun for a while until I can feel the familiar tiredness encroaching and realise I'm zoning out or becoming overwhelmed. At that point, I will need to make my excuses and leave early like Cinderella at the ball. It is slightly different for women on the autistic spectrum. We are not AS single minded but we do have other challenges which many neurotypical men don't appear to relish and certainly aren't aware of. I am not married yet, partly because it's taken me so long to figure this out without much help from the medical establishment. Thanks for ALL you do and God bless your ministry. ❤👍🙏
I hate when plans that I've made in my own head, and not necessarily told anyone, don't turn out the way I expected, but otherwise, I'm not really rigid timewise? I have time blindness so I can't tell how long a minute is anyway. I struggle to form and keep routines actually. I do like to know things plan wise, ahead of time, like where I'm supposed to park at an event. I think details like that help me to be on time so I can take into account everything that I need to.
This video is very good 👍
I've been married coming up to a year with my asd husband and these resources have been so valuable as I navigate our relationship. And these more "negative" or real experiences have actually had an interesting effect in our relationship. I'm constantly learning about neurodiverse relationship and the dynamics present, and have attempted to accommodate my husband and his needs according to my understanding of his blend of autism(if I may be allowed to call it that). The interesting effect I mentioned is while I believe my personality just so happens to complement my husband's, I've tailored my approach so much through videos like these that he actually seeks out my company, and through a recent blunder have come to realize he wants me chatter away and doesn't want as much alone time and I thought he would appreciate having. But I've mellowed down a lot being around him, so he has a bit more of the spotlight when he chooses for it.
TLDR these types of informative videos have been invaluable to the (I would like to think)success of my relationship and I thank you so much
This has been very clarifying. I'm gonna leave mine then. I don't want to change, and it's just bad for her.
How I wish we had watched this forty-odd years ago when we got married. Sadly he died two years ago, and since then I am coming to a growing realisation that he was autistic and I have AuDHD. We stuck with it and stayed together, helped by our Christian faith; and most of it was good, but a little understanding of this could have blown away some of those moments when I felt frustrated and upset with our marriage. Too late now.
It’s insane how much I relate to this exact feeling all the time. And it’s amazing that you can put it into words for me. I can never tell my significant other how I feel. And I always wish I had the words. This is it. And I wish I felt like I didn’t have to fix everything.
Most of this describes well the reasons that my relationships have never worked - I haven't gotten to the point of being a horrible husband. The "you don't really love me" response has ended things well before that was ever possible.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and honesty. As an autistic husband and father who also had major trauma and C-PTSD, I struggle with this exact thing and your videos are so completely helpful and healing. They let me know I'm not alone in this.
@frankchavez1880 frank yes, your 8 months ahead of me, any hacks or solutions you might have found.
Great video and relatable topic for me! My husband starts conversations with disclaimers and that does help a bunch! We use Discord to communicate, which helps me process. Glad you're back!
Thanks, Orion, for the work you do. The more open discussion on this subject helps those of us who are coming out to our friends and family. This gives me something to point to in order to explain how my Autism was missed throughout my childhood and then misdiagnosed as bipolar in the late eighties. It also might help me to explain to my family members who are also Autistic. I fully believe that my Dad is, my mom was, and two of my sisters and some of their children are Autistic. Not to mention that so many of my aunts and uncles are also Autistic. My father's father was a musical genius and came from a family of musical geniuses. They can play any instrument you put in front of them within minutes even if they've never even touched that instrument before. Those kind of people tend to have children who are Autistic. Many of them now are in STEM occupations as was I. I only wish that I had gotten some of that musicality myself. I merely play drums and sing.
One of the most painful symptoms of Autism I've displayed is for example, when my wife would reach out to touch me on my arm or shoulder etc. and I don't see her hand coming it would cause me to jerk, twitch, jump, or even yell. That is very bad for a relationship. There's so much more but I'm trying to find other ways to be intimate that I can also enjoy, not talking about sex. Because of this need we have for alone time, I do have a space that is very similar to a "man-cave". I have my little area in the office with my computers where I spend all of the time I have for myself. I wear headphones but I am available for anything my wife needs since that's in the center of our house. I remind her frequently, like several times a week, that I'm always available and ready to do whatever she needs from me.
Im sharing this with my husband. It explains me.
This may have been the most helpful one so far. The "arguing/debating" and my need to try and problem-solve are some of the biggest barriers to communication with my spouse (ADHD but not autistic), it's something that comes up semi-regularly and I just don't know how else to express myself and my care. Definitely showing this to them later, and I really appreciate that you provided potential solutions for not just the allistic partner, but for the autistic partner too. Thank you!!
Good to have you back!
Great video and totally relatable. Some differences, especially on friendship, because I am female and desire friends but have a hard time connecting.
I loved your explanation on the algorithm process of the brain from prior conversations. It made me giggle but totally get it.
I love your honesty. Sometimes it's just nice to explain why you see that you feel/think you're a horrible spouse. Being told your being "too hard on yourself" or any other things like it, is a sense of feeling like your thoughts and feelings are disqualified. When really what you are expressing is totally valid.
Bruh thanks being real 🙏 I'm self diagnosed female and being autistic not a fucking super power lol 😂 love your energy
You definitely are *not* horrible.
But I respect how there are so many needs and hardwiring differences that can make us conclude that we'll never deserve a committed, interpersonal relationship. It's like, "Why would t/hey want a person as unfamiliar with human connection as me? Did this person make a mistake? Should t/hey even love me?"
From her presence, you are learning how anesthetized your interpersonal needs are. It doesn't *feel* like it's a need, sort of like having a chronic nutrient deficiency and only feeling healthy when someone makes a complicated meal you never dreamed of making. Meanwhile other people crave it so badly they make it hard for us to get the recipe, let alone the chance to be whole and happy ourselves. But slowly, you see the difference and work to make it happen. This video is like that recipe.
I don't know if this analogy makes any sense. Let me know.
hahahah. I love @5:00. If anyone ever tells me their problems, I will immediately provide them with a bullet point list complete with web links or any information necessary for them to go and fix their issues. I wondered if that was an autistic trait. I don't think anyone has ever taken my advice - they just wait a week or two and whine about the same thing again, as if I hadn't already solve their problems.
Yes, as a young man in my first relationship my former girlfriend said I was always wanting to fix things and as a early 20 year old not knowing I was autistic I thought it was wrong. I still don't truly understand emotional support though I have read up on it. After my marriage ended due to suspicions of being a narcissist by a professional I got support and started looking at being autistic (awaiting diagnosis on a waiting list) due to the clear markers. Thanks Orion these videos are insightful and supportive.
As a late-diagnosed(?), high-masking wife (married 30 years): I just realized that I can dish out emotions very well, But cannot receive them very well. Thank you 🙏🏻
I would like to add another point. Although I am yet to have an official diagnosis (on the waiting list) when I first met my wife I was heavily masking and so I feel like a shitty husband as I feel like I was lieing to my wife about who I was (even though I didn't know at the time I was masking) it took me 9 years before I started showing the real me. I find that the hardest thing to deal with.
Glad to see your feeling better. Good video, I think all people ASD or not need to learn to keep an open mind about what others say and find solutions in relationships so everyones need are being addressed as best they can.
Just realized how hilariously funny you and your videos are and also very very helpful
So true!!!
You're my favorite, Orion! You're a special guy! Just the way you are.
I think youre fine. If you have an understanding wife,I'm sure she is used to you. Maybe try communicating how you feel,if that would help you feel better. I don't know how it is,but I think if she understands that you come and go,she will probably be ok with it.
You might be over worrying a little bit? I don't know.... alone time is a physical need that needs a shout out! Some of us need MORE alone time then most other people,and that is ok! Make sure your family knows you love them but you physically need to be alone.
I understand this and I'm still undiagnosed. Even though one of my my children was diagnosed and another didn't want the diagnosis, because of the stigma. I want answers because I am stuck, because of bullcrap. You are a great husband and father. I understand where you are coming from. Yet, if you deal some people who are narcissistic. It can be difficult. My sensory issues can make it hard because of certain individuals. I always try to show & be faithful to loved one's despite things going on. You are there and your trying to be present. Routine is important. I haven't been allowed to have this in a long time. It can frustrating. Yet, I try to have a positive attitude, no matter what. Thank you. ❤
Please do more videos of this please 🙏🏽 I feel like I haven't fully understood why my husband does the things he does and I want to understand him more instead of seeing him the way others do.
I get told off for needing alone time any more than the bare minimum, being told I’m selfish for wanting my own hobbies etc where I can decompress. Very frustrating. My wife thinks I’m likely autistic but sees it as a problem I have to deal with and change. Not that simple. Also she doesn’t understand the overwhelm and meltdown thing that comes with excessive stress, and that I should just suck it up because that’s what good men do.
Thank you so much for this video. We recently discovered we are both autistic, but very differently. We have been married for 34 years and this video has explained so much and will definetly help our relationship.
Orion, thank you for making us NT people understand our partners. It makes so much sense and helps immensely. Bless you! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
This intimicy thing.... I feel constantly bad, my partner really need a lot of touching (his major love language) and he brings it up a lot that he does not feel appreciated and loved. And that makes me shut down. I really want to be more touchy but it's sooo hard. Also when I sometimes is reactive and automaticly shake him of or cringe when he just suddenly softly touches me makes me feel so bad. I don't mean to do that.
All of this resonates with me.
This is so fascinating. You don't sound like a horrible husband. It seems very important for both people in these situations to have knowledge about autism and a good amount of communication about each other's needs. In every healthy relationship on the planet, there are usually compromises being made on each side. I have to wonder, are there less personality clashes in relationships between two autistic people? Is it common for autistic people to date each other?
My wife thinks I'm a pretty shitty husband. It's the double empathy issue.
Regarding lateness, it's not necessarily that for me. It can just be a schedule change. If someone says they are going to do something at X time, I expect them to do that or go where ever at X time. Not 20 minutes earlier or 30 minutes later or, heaven forbid not at all! It has less to do with my personal schedule than it does with it merely being a change. It irks me because it's a change. "You said that you were going to do blah at X time. What happened?" That said, extreme lateness will annoy me; as it does many neurotypical people too. If you're going to be more than 30 minutes late, let me know. My wife with whom I'm separated was often 1.5 to 2.5 hours late with no phone call, email or text saying, "Hey, things are taking longer than I thought . . . . " Yeah, communication is key on both sides. That said, I'm guilty of not communicating too. Oh, but it's perfectly fine then. Yeah, not really.
PLEASE TALK TO MY HUSBAND. He is a lovely genius, but living with him feels like abuse. We have kids so I'm stuck.
You’re never stuck. Just know that. He will have to pay his debts to you including child support. No reason to be in a marriage when you can be by yourself and be miserable too. I hate this for all NT women who are going through this.
Nothing like being abused!
@@annbiggs7270 oh wow and your coming to other comments as well. Pathetic
Start watching the videos on the channel all time until he understands something
Bit of constructive criticism and unsolicited advice. 😅
I feel like your communication issue re problem solving is more of a gender problem than ND problem. Men tend to want to solve problems and women just want to be heard… 🤷🏻♀️
Would love to see this topic discussed with an autistic woman, so we can see where the overlap is for neurodivergence. 🤔
Also, many ND people are actually with other ND partners, and I understand you are with a NT, but I’d love to see less NT comparisons re relationships as most of these issues are relevant for ND partners too. 🤷🏻♀️
Thanks for getting the conversation going!! ☺️👍
Thanks so much for your comments on the video. I completely disagree with you regarding the problem solving point. However, I’m grateful for your point of view.
@@orionkelly as a ND afab, I can tell you, my brain is not wired to automatically provide solutions when presented with a problem. This may be true on paper, in school during a test or when presented with a challenge, but when a person talks to me, I'm not necessarily looking to solve their problem, nor to view it in a rational manner. I feel very connected to my emotional side, even though I totally fail to express it in an accurate manner, and I can myself go on and on talking about my problems to other people, while simply not wanting them to provide me with a solution. Because, no matter what the problem is, you better bet I have already turned and twisted the issue in every direction, thought of all the possible solutions and carefully reflected on every way it could ever be interpreted from the outside. So I hate when people go like "oh, have you thought of (insert simplest solution ever)?" Makes me feel like I sound stupid and it makes me feel like I'm not worth listening to. Also, because I struggle with understanding that other people might not think the same way, I tend to assume it's the case for them to, which means I don't provide solutions. I can sometimes come off as extremely rude when I just sit there saying nothing cause my brain is having a hard time finding anything appropriate to say, as well. It's like my problem solving skills just magically disappear.
And I've heard a lot of other autistic females say the same/similar things about processing emotions.
I think your brain has a problem with actual logic vs the social media brain which is what you have. No this is not true whatsoever.
I totally identify with this video.
A lot of the topics you’ve covered are perfectly normal and respective. without which can lead to resentment due to a lack of communication. I try always to keep all the people in my life whether casual friends of family informed as to my arrival times and I consider it rude when people to not do the same
In relation to people I feel bad, in relation to my pets, animals I am a wonderful, supercaring, superloving person......what a polarity ay................yes, haha you are so right Nts just like to talk about how they feel, usually rotten....I don't talk about my problems, I solve them....what is the point of complaining everyday "oh, this hurts, that hurts", it doesn't solve it...
You do the best job ever of explaining what it feels like to be autistic. Bravo
Every video, you hit the mark. I'm not sure if Autistic tendencies is a lazy diagnosis but I know with every fiber of my being I'm on the spectrum. Medically as a female it's been extremely difficult to get the proper diagnosis.
I don't even bother with the diagnosis. I know for some need it to feel validated. But the thought of getting insurance, finding a doctor, going threw the hoops, getting the testing and in the end.... I don't get help because I'm 39.
I'm an expert at masking so for me personally. No reason for a diagnosis.
@@divinelotus19 I got diagnosed and now my work gives me things that help me out like giving me extra breaks and understanding how to process with me
I get my alone time late at night for few hours. But the real alone time I look forward to every year is my wife taking the kids to visit her mom. That's great time for me to dive in my special interest or start something new. It's a recharge for me, a week or two on my own. This year, my daughter isn't going and in my brain I'm panicking. I'm not going to get my alone time this year and it's driving me crazy. When I first met my wife I told her we'd have to live in separate houses because of this. I question why she married in first place. Would someone go running away for saying that.
I always thought that I was normal and everyone else was a bit odd,until I found out that I had ASD at the age of 42 😜
I didn't hear this in there.. but I can be a public embarrassment for my spouse.. this is especially true during a meltdown but even just not being socially aware has caused some hardship for them.
I feel the same way.
You truly are brilliant. I've learned so much from you
Sooo in probably all my relationships I've let them end because I don't want to make them go thru these things that your wife goes thru with you. My brain thinks that I would be or it would be unfair to my partner in that it would seem that she is/was putting more effort into the relationship than I am/have/would.. And I don't have the official diagnosis to point to my issues because I hide them well with my perfect masking.
Who else loves the feeling of their fingernails in a rubbery steering wheel??? I had to put a cover on mine before i ruined it. Now the cover is ruined too lol.
I enjoyed listening to the video about reading comments you were opening up your figurative heart about understanding what was written to you in the comments section of personal emails there were many to consider and sort out. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings truthfully. Sincerely Eric M Howard II Philadelphia Pa. Land of the Liberty Bell.
I think to black and white when it comes to thoughts and opinions. Shit distractions. At work I'm constantly distracted. Also don't mess with me in my personal time. My wife never understood why I didn't like to go out and attend family functions.
Im very introverted and making time for friends and family and relationships is so painful. I have all these special interests and i usually choose to do a solo activity. I have so many revolving special interests i sometimes overwhelm myself and i get sad when i dont get to all my hobbies and thoughts. My best friends do all my social planning and i just tag along when i feel up to it, but they usually dont pressure me to be anywhere, however a guilt trip can be helpful. I just like to be told a time and a place and ill generally areangw what Im doing which isnt typically all that time critical. If i say im showing up, i always come through, although im typically a half hour late. Those are the best friends for folks like me. My best friend is also autistic and his special interest has always been heavy metal bands, so he is always buying tickets without a clue who he may bring. If i go along i usually buy us the merch and after a couple of beers im usually feeling better. But im usually ready to go before the show ends. The next few days or even an entire week ill need to spend alone though.
This was amazing
I wouldn't have thought that time perception could differ so much between neuro typical/divergent people. I will always call my collegues/boss when I'm gonna be 5 mn late ! Obviously, no one else does this. Which means if I can't advise anyone I'm being delayed, they will get super worried.
Fantastic video 👌
Bless you and thank you.
Most my feelings around being a horrible wife are to do with money or aversion to supermarkets. Then I have the usual guilt (wife or not) or wanting to be alone & ignore people around me - it's not all the time but fairly often.
people either talk to me normally or condescendingly. also theres poor communication in my house and people dont tell me things or the full story and i get upset. my dad over explains to the point where i zone out. same with the intimacy thing, any bedroom things are a no even just a kiss or hand hold i dont like. it makes me not want to go out with my bf (he's non autistic) because even though hes ok with me and my feelings i still feel pressured
Thanks!
Thanks for your support.
I cryed at this video... i recognize me as a very bad and... uh, useless... partner... although i struggle to do as much as possible i can do to help and collaborate... it seems that all i trye to do is wrong... very frustrating...
I have a problem. I am the neurotypical in our relationship. I adore him. But when I do things he doesn't like he will say very hurtful things. Call me dumb. I end up feeling abused and sad. I understand why he is bothered by my indecisiveness or several other things wich I don't know how to change about myself but I cannot condone being offended every time something bothers him. What can I do? Every time he gets frustrated with me he attacks
I feel our wife's need to start a support group. Women with an autistic husband and child ... And one NT child.
Specific, yes. But relatable. And .... AND they could talk to each other about their issues ... And never fix them.
😆
I feel the same way about friends, and I've been there, collecting friends. I want friends, but it's hard to find any that actually stick around. I feel the same way about being a horrible husband as well. Only thing is that my husband doesn't understand that I am autistic so he is always angry with me about so much. I've explained what happens to me, but still I have no respect. I have a feeling that he is a narcissist.
lol my husband and I are only just now getting our official asd screenings after half our lifetimes and almost 24 years of marriage - we have an amazing time because we share a lot of the same special interests and regard each other as a special interest even, but boy are we a mess sometimes 😅 hang in there y'all ❤
I’m sure you are a Wonderful husband!
I feel like a horrible way of every day due to the lack of empathy that I may unable to get from my autistic husband because his brain doesn’t work that way. You may feel horrible at times, but I feel awful all the time. I love my husband very muchthat I am losing myself completely. I am becoming a shell of a person. I am an unwatered plant.
Oh wow do I relate!!!
Intimacy: Not just you my friend. Though I'm one who needs a lot of touch, other areas have made me completely give up in the area of intimacy. It has had a really bad impact on my marriage but it's easier for everyone I think. I also do not get why people share anything if they don't want them fixed. Like why are you wasting so much time on this if you don't want it fixed? If you don't want it fixed, don't think about it...
I'm married to another autistic person and we decided not to have kids, so it makes things a lot easier. I don't have to feel like I'm letting people down as much... except at work, lol.