Unmasking After Late Autism Diagnosis - Embracing Authenticity
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- Опубликовано: 1 июн 2024
- Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. On this video I explore the topic of unmasking after an autism diagnosis later in life. Plus, I share my personal lived experiences as an #actuallyautistic person. #orionkelly #autism #asd #autismsigns #whatautismfeelslike
⏱ Index:
00:00 - Welcome
00:57 - Unmasking
03:45 - Challenges
17:51 - Strategies
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ABOUT ORION:
Orion Kelly is an #ActuallyAutistic vlogger (RUclipsr), podcaster, radio host, actor, keynote speaker and Autistic advocate based in Australia. Orion is all about helping you increase your understanding, acceptance and appreciation of Autistic people.
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Most people think saying "I am Autistic" is fishing for an excuse for being odd. Telling them that you are (To me) is impossible. Im 55yrs, it feels like a wasted life.
💞
I'm really sorry this is this you feel as I only realized I was autistic in my 30's and sometimes felt like my youth was wasted. I hope it gets better for you,.
At 59 I found out what masking was, and that I'd been doing it since I was 4. I felt like my life was wasted too. My 60th birthday was coming up. I never liked celebrating my birthday, but this time, I decided to use it as marker, and celebrate starting an authentic life as ME. Your life isn't wasted, because you're still here, and you can be YOU now because you know it's OK to.
If it helps, first relay to people that you have eccentricities. Then, after you've been around them a while and they've seen your eccentricities, you can tell them you're autistic. Just a thought. I was diagnosed with Asperger's in 2008 at age 37. I basically continue to go through life thinly masked in many cases. I say thinly because I have allowed more of my eccentricities to show through in the past few years. Just hang in there. Let go of people who don't accept you as you are and find people who do. It might take a long time, but you can do it. I'm going through the same thing. Not only that, but I was thrust into a different city several months back and basically had my whole life turned upside down. So, I think things have finally really come to bear and I've been feeling depressed. So, I'm starting on anti-depressants for a while to get me through this adjustment period.
I understand those challenges. But just think about the good experiences that you DID have, and the positive ways that you have impacted people (when some people are having a terrible week, it makes a difference if someone is just nice to them one day; even if only for a few minutes). I know that it can feel like we have missed out on doing things (or not doing things) that we really wanted to do, but went against our wants and needs anyways, just to blend in and make other people happy. And once you grow older (and more tired), a person starts to value their own survival (taking care of their needs) a little bit more, because they just can't physically withstand socializing all day, everyday at work, and even after work if friends and family want to see you. It really would have been nice to know that I had autism years ago, so that I could stop beating myself for not performing or keeping up with everybody else. I spent years trying to figure out who I was (what I liked and didn't like) and it was kind of a scary feeling to not truly know those core things about who I am. I hope that you are staying true to yourself, and are taking care of your wants and needs now, so that you are able to have more good experiences and enjoy life a little bit more. And sometimes that can involve taking risks of trying new things, and living your life closer to the way that you have always wanted to live it (for me, it was escaping the common workplace environment and gaining back some of my freedom; but a real risk at that (but a risk that I am glad that I took). 🙂
When masking makes you compliant and a people pleaser, people will complain that they liked you before you unmasked because you were easier to be used and manipulated for others wants and desires even if they are unaware they were doing it
I've literally lost 2/3rds of my friend this year after my late diagnosis. Standing up for myself and respecting my boundaries was too much for them. Its a hard change but for the better for sure
I disagree. Usually when you mask, you act caring etc. When you don't, you treat people like dirt. So don't say it makes you easier to manipulate. Aspies think being made to care and love is being manipulated. Sick of it. Yes, had my heart broken by an aspie, which may explain my feelings towards this rn
@@avalancheKTYes, there is some degree of truth in this. We are supposed to, as people, work to keep ourselves from hurting others, and people do use autism as an excuse to stop working at that effort. That's not good.
It's not a good idea just be brutally honest and rude at all times...that shouldn't be what "unmasking" is. We treat others with care because we want to be treated with care...sometimes autistics will say "no. I don't want to be treated that way"...but I (an autistic) think that is a lie, and I see other autistics get very upset when they finally get a taste of their own medicine. Nobody likes someone who is rude to them.
@@avalancheKT Go to therapy and stop projecting your experience onto all autistic people. And don't assume we wanna be called "aspies" either, plenty of us want nothing to do with a term originating from a Nazi doctor.
@@avalancheKT On one hand I see what you are saying, there are people who like to use their autism as an excuse to be a jerk. But, I have been taken advantage of more times than I can count and also even sexually assaulted and didn't even know until later. So please don't generalize. Some people have an extremely strong fawning response when they are masking (if you don't then count yourself lucky), and the people around them don't even know that their behavior is entirely out of line because you give them a paradoxically positive response.
I was diagnosed last week with ASD after already being diagnosed year's ago with ADHD. On May 25, at 45 I got an Autism diagnoses. My brain decided it was done masking on it's own after another stupid/traumatic life event, and at 43 could not mask in certain areas anymore. The CBT training class settings I grew up in seemed to just be forgotten d things got harder. I was trained as a child to act "normal". Life is harder, and now lonelier. My family and friends gave up on me long ago. And my symptoms do nothing but get me in trouble. I watch these videos to be less alone, and appreciate them. Thank you for your strength.
This is how I feel. I have very few people left who tolerate me. And I just want to be me and not be in anybody’s way, but it seems like I always am unless I heavily mask and just do what is expected of me, instead of being myself and thinking for myself
Hugs
They don't appreciate our efforts to connect so why bother?
Similar experience here. After my daughter died, my mask shattered. I CAN'T anymore. And I don't want to.
So sorry. thats got to be super challenging.
I’m literally sitting here with sensory overload. I’m a teacher, and I try to be vulnerable with my students. They know that “sounds and light hurt me”, so they are aware and are very understanding. And I’m grateful for a boss and many coworkers who are accepting and helpful when I’m struggling, and we’re very supportive in my journey of unmasking and getting diagnosed.
One thing I noticed after I stopped masking was my temper got shorter. When I was masking, I literally internalized all negative emotions and went and exploded at home. Now that I’m allowing myself to experience emotions in real time, I’m having to learn to regulate it in a way I haven’t before.
I'm glad I'm not the only one struggling with in the moment emotions. I was thinking something is wrong with me to be _angry_ at normal toddler behavior my daughter does.
Great insight, interesting these parts of ourselves, then regulating them, takes time. Best to you.
This is very relatable and very difficult work. Good for you for doing that work. I had very bad experiences when I was working in education undiagnosed, but a restaraunt job was actually where I received support through my diagnosis journey.
I’m Audhd and I’ve got to say that being a teacher is probably one of the hardest jobs for us. I couldn’t imagine having to deal with all those people all sounds and lights and thoughts and problems all day long.
ur not alone!! ive been experiencing very similar feelings. but trust. we all got this!!
Even as kids many of us autistic folks found ourselves 'responsible' for the responses and emotional well-being of the people who should have known us but weren't (Still aren't?) responsible to know themselves. And too often we neglected ourselves to fit in and care for others.
Yup... this has been my life experience, also.
Yeah, it got to the point where I feel bad for non-liveing objects or ideas when I have breakdowns.
This
This, so much, this!
Figured out I was autistic last year at 50 after burnout and long Covid took my ability to mask. I drop things for no reason, have trouble speaking, understanding people and making eye contact, and sensory sensitivity is cranked up. I didn’t understand what was going on. All of a sudden I was autistic (and at first I didn’t realize all my stuff was autism). Luckily one of my lifelong special interests had been psychology (in a desire to understand myself and others) and I figured it out. It was shocking, but explained everything.
There was a grieving period, but ultimately self-acceptance and self-understanding allowed myself to forgive all my perceived shortcomings (I just can’t human like other humans). I’m not a bad person. I’m autistic and adhd. I’m different.
Clearing out all the judgments created space for joy to come back into my life. Luckily, I’m in a place where I have time and space to just be and discover. Having this diagnosis changed everything. I no longer see myself as a failure, someone who had so much potential but wasted it. I have a disability that makes some things a lot more difficult for me. But it also gives me superpowers of creativity, focus, empathy, honor, and joy
Going through exactly the same thing! The discovered inability to talk is especially a big struggle, people assume you’re stupid and/or don’t trust you. I think I’d rather just stay quiet at this point because even trying really hard doesn’t seem to help it. I used to be well spoken, it’s a bizarre thing to go through
Same here. I am so happy to hear it’s not just meee
Yeeeessss👏👏👏👏👏
I'm 45. This is me 🙌🙏👏👏👏💪🏼🤠🕎 I've been through it all..no more masking.letsgooo!!
Same boat at 46 and is your birthday 7/23?! I saw it in your name and that’s my birthday!
That comment about masking being an attempt to be unseen, that invisibility I struggled with for decades. There is much that I want to say, but words.... So THANK YOU
Hear, hear! When I first found out about my autism, I realized that many, many of my behaviors were geared to trying to be invisible. I just did not want to be noticed. But then I would speak my mind and of course, got noticed, not always in a good way.
Yep.
Yes! That line spoke to me too. It takes a really good flow on certain topics in one on one conversations with someone who I feel is really listening to me to get me to unmask without trying. And those moments are rare. Most of the time I'm just quiet in the corner supporting the world around me, making sure nothing blows up too close to me.
It’s a mask that I’m going to continue to wear because I’m not excepted because I haven’t got a diagnosis and the doctor will not send me to a specialist to get a diagnosis
So how am I supposed to? I don’t know, figure out my mental state and get a handle on my learning disability.
If I don’t know what it is because I’ve been told by doctors that I have anxiety, I have depression I have suicide gaslight you could just put all those things in the autism and I’ll probably feel better about myself, because I finally have validation the fact that I’m not normal for a reason
Because it to this day, I continue to believe I’m a normal person. I don’t have hot in anyway I’m just fucked.
I’m just stupid my brain is broken because I slammed it with math textbook at10 years old
And no one seem to give a shit that I gave my self fucking brain trauma
And even when I bring it up to a doctor now moves on like it’s no big deal that I gave myself a fucking concussion at 10 years old multiple times
Because after I hit myself a lot, I felt dizzy and my vision was blurry
But I’ve just given up on my Health I smoke cigarettes, I drink and I smoke weed cause fuck my house because no one else seems care why the fuck should I
Attempt to be unseen, is literally my entire life. I never wanted to be seen. I always wanted to be a well most of my life when I was a young little kid. Apparently I was the centre of attention wanting to get to know everybody, but by time I got in the school, I basically became a shut in. Didn’t wanna socialize didn’t wanna interact hated people and just like my isolation.
I didn’t realize I hated people until I was about in teenager
When I started setting boundaries my roommate said that I’d changed. That I didn’t used to be like this. My roommate clearly took offense and called my boundaries ridiculous. Unmasking and standing up for yourself can be very difficult. I receive a good deal of resistance from some people when I drop my mask. Despite that resistance unmasking is totally worth it.
It’s like pretending to be a horse when you’re actually a donkey. Just be a donkey and own it.
People might criticise you but being yourself is a lot less effort. And it frees up mental energy to do the things you’re good at.
@@AutomaticDuck300I didn't realize until recently that masking burns mental resourced the way it does.
I only began consciously masking a few years ago and my cognitive faculties have noticeably deteriorated.
For me, I think it's a mix of:
-An abundance of mental resources being allocated to monitoring body language, vocal tone, word choice, etc.
-My way of masking was to act clueless and stupid, to appear less intimidating to others. I have accidentally turned not thinking into a habit.
@@glacity just be natural and people can either like it or not.
It’s so very difficult. Learning more about myself, and WHY I’ve always been the most misunderstood person that my friends and I have ever known, has been painfully eye-opening. I’ve recently learned of a couple social cues that I hadn’t known about, and realized how so many people in my past must’ve thought I was a selfish snob. I’ve broken down into tears a lot lately.
Thank you for this video.
What cues did you learn?
One of the most impactful statements I ever heard from someone, while I was trying to figure out if I was maybe undiagnosed, was "You don't hate yourself. You hate the self you are forced to portray." Probably doesn't apply to most people but man did it feel like a slap in the face to me.
Workplace rejection is the worst for me. Because I make sure I'm not doing anything INTENTIONAL to upset people. Went so far as to read a lot of books to help myself communicate better with others. Focus on I statements. Don't' accuse people of things. Don't use negative adjectives to describe people. But you know speaking bluntly and straight forward seems to be the right idea in my head. But I've learned or come to understand that NT people tend to lie... A LOT. So they see our blunt/forward comments as some sort of manipulation, since so many NTs have issues just being blunt and honest up front. And then when an NT does get upset... its usually over some weird thing they perceived you said X so you MUST mean Y. All while not taking into account that NONE of my past actions would even suggest that is true, nothing I've said even come close to that wild accusation. Then I'd get in trouble for how someone is FEELING about me... and because they can't deal with their own feeling some how that is my fault and I should change to make them feel better? Biggest insult/slap in the face... I already do so much to make others comfortable, I've always stood my ground when I know I haven't done anything wrong. And will not change myself to make another's internal feelings better, that is their responsibility to change their personal beliefs to stop getting hurt over minor things that are not even pointed at them. But because I'm weird/odd/strange/not normal some how your feelings are my responsibility? LOL no, that's gaslighting and manipulation right there.
I don't think NT people as a whole are a problem. The types of NT who I think cause the biggest problems are those that believe people as a whole should behave a certain way. Those types of people who generally see things in black and white/all or nothing thinking. Those who do not value uniqueness. Those that believe society has a set of rules everyone should abide by. Those that think the only tools they will ever need is a hammer and a screw driver... You know the ones... if they can't see something physically wrong with you then they think you should be normal. This type of person is the problem. They cannot accept differences. Closed minded people who also think their intuition/gut feelings are right and don't bother to investigate. At 25 they thought they had everything figured out and don't challenge their world view.
Yep
I've grown up with my own mother being like that. I just said, what was true and she'd get upset at something I did not say, but she believed I suggested. It's so frustrating to tell everyone "NO! I mean what I say. Don't pretend I said things, I didn't."
Even when being as careful as you can be, it is just not possible to tell the truth to someone that doesn't wanna hear it.
@@zer0her048 yup my mom and sister did the same to me and would accuse me of being a horrible person. Only my grandmother actually took the time to understand me as an individual. There was a time my mom and much later my father accused me of being on or doing hard drugs. It was always relieving to have my grandmother be upset for me because she knew me so well that she knew I would never do that and that they clearly didn't know me if that is what they accused me of. I don't have those toxic family in my life anymore they where too hurtful. I went out of my way to try and understand then and they never did the same for me
@@zer0her048 I feel you. My parents are like that too.
Omg what you say about people thinking you have accused them in some way.. something that has happened to me so often, mostly with partners who always seemed to expect the worst for some reason.. always left me so bewildered and confused, trying to work out what I did wrong, always trying to think ahead and plan my words SO carefully.. so exhausting, always fearing an unwarranted angry response. The problem is theirs, not ours, and all we can do is try to seek better and more emotionally intelligent people to surround ourselves with.
When I unmask people tell me they prefer my masked self and I should go back to "Normal". My masked personality is goofy and funny... So when I unmask people leave me
::: firm hug :::
I think those kind of people don’t deserve to be in your life 💛
People leave you .
That's a bad thing ?
@@julienfroidevaux1143 being alone by choice is one thing. Being left alone by people you dont want around is bliss.
Being left by / abandoned by people you chose to / want to have in your life is a devastating feeling that can create desperation, depression, despair, hopelessness, and worse... and will absolutely affect every single interaction/relationship you have afterwards - for the rest of your life. Failure to attach, failure to thrive, failure to trust, failure to allow anyone to get close, fleeing when things get too close, gosh i could spend a year in therapy just talking about my abondonment issues
@@user-ye1go6hw9r I totally agree with you here .
This had a huge impact on my mental health issues growing up.
Adult now on top of the mental issues now realise I don't want it .
I feel sorry for the adult asd people who want it , try and fail .
If I could rewire their brains I would keep the asd wipe out the friendship / relationship part .
It's quite liberating .
Lately, I've been noticing how much energy it sometimes costs me to vary my intonation when I'm talking. It feels exaggerated and outright phony at times and I've been allowing myself to slip into monotone talking more and more. I always did so sometimes without really thinking about it but now I consciously allow it as a way of unmasking, to conserve energy and embrace the authentic me. That might not seem like much but to me, it's really something. I think it helps to start paying attention to what takes energy and what feels inauthentic in order to unmask. I just got diagnosed in early May of this year, at age 47 😊
I'm 46 and new your tip about using monotone to save energy is so helpful.
I have a pretty deep voice even for a man but every single time I talk to a stranger I mirror them with a high pitched fake voice.
I have to go to the grocery store later so I'm going to try and respond as flat and monotone as possible.
Sounds like a fun little game.
@@DJ_Paleface 😊
😊❤🎉
Getting a diagnosis as even a young woman would have given me the permission I needed to be myself! The masking for survival crushed me for decades. 😮💨
I was too severely autistic to mask .There was nothing to gain by trying to please people I needed to have a life worth living even if I had to steal it .Have you ever met anyone diagnosed autistic as adult who spent years in mental hospital when young
Getting my autistic diagnoses was like being forgiven No more assumption that my mental illness was my fault
I did spend time in mental facilities I'm 50 and just now happy to live life my way! It was much grief and continues to occasionally cause overload of grief. Most of the time I'm happier than I've ever been
Yes, me! I spent 3 years in a psych hospital in the 1980s. I have been in and out since then too. It does feel like being forgiven. I'm like "I WAS NEVER BROKEN!!" At 57, is a relief.
This is one of the most helpful videos I've seen about masking. I was particularly struck when you indicated that masking doesn't just make us acceptable in society, it actually makes us invisible. Yes! Thanks as always for your thoughtful content.
Ah, but I also tried to be invisible.
Always felt totally invisible, yes
I'm at the "redefine myself" point. I've learned my processing issues and don't have constant daily migraines anymore. I'm literally starting from my childhood memories and going from there, picking out the parts of me that I masked to "fit in" while trying to figure out the "me" underneath.
"...but even, not blend in, but not even be seen or heard, right?"
i feel seen 😳
this, exactly
Orion, I just want to say that as someone who was diagnosed very recently in my early 20s - I have been going through this process completely alone. It is scary, and hard, and I still haven’t even disclosed to work which I know is inevitable. I used to absolutely hate myself because I thought I was broken, or lazy, or just a shitty person but watching your videos and hearing how much they resonate with me helps me more than I can say. I listen to them while I’m at work and I’m having anxiety because my boss is once again getting onto me for my autistic traits. I was never very good at masking, but I do come across as someone that NTs would look at and say “No way you’re autistic.” It really helps the way you celebrate autistic traits and highlight all of our strengths and all of the wonderful parts of being autistic, because while we have many struggles, it’s not all bad. In fact, I’d say being autistic is a very positive thing in my life. I love myself and the way I think, & I always have, but it’s hard to remember that when the outside world is looking down on you.
Thank you for all your help!
I was definitely where you're at for too long, but you have getting diagnosed earlier I in your corner! One thing I've noticed is that the more I concentrate on the small joys, victories, and pursuits, the more energy I had for other tasks & people, and myself. It also shifted my attention to sharing constructive, and the right people were more often around me. As a female, the traits are expressed often differently. Small routines and comfort rituals helped, b and especially a pet or pets. And meditation! Best to you, friend. ❤️🙏💞
Hi! I am 19 and also going through this process. We are not broken, we are not wrong, we are our own unique selves. We deserve to feel loved and accepted. I wish you the very best for your journey. You can do this!
Your word's mean alot at 54 my work has cracked down on its rules, and to work their way,,, away that doesn't work but it does mean anything that go's wrong is the employees fault, such as allocated travel and site time, no time allowed for E mails, stock, checks, washing the van, or lunch breaks, customer delays are not to be marked on the paperwork of which they can change electronically,,,, try to discuss this and all you get back is "are you telling me you can't do your job roll any more" "it's for you to manage your day",, after 28 years of work there typically working 3 extra hours a day to do my roll, and after an accident with a finger when rushing to get a job done in the time frame, think i've hit burn out, and need to be checked, i feel i need to ware a sign saying sorry no short term memory, now,,,, i don't think bosses will like Autistic traits and will just say you can't do the job then, "a reason I haven’t left" discrimination law doesn't mean shit unless you own a bank and want to go to court for years of your life. So the best you can do is stay true to your self don't commit your life to one employer, with change comes opportunity's and if it doesn't work try the next. Hopefully you will make a close friend the can support you with this. Wish you the best in life, from the UK.
My best coping strategy is music, I'm very fortunate to have found several genres of EDM that help me focus, hype me up or down, and set a safe emotional background to have a discussion with myself. I just wish my job would let me have headphones on (I don't blare music because I still need to be aware of people around me) so I can reduce the emotional tax of masking.
I do not have a formal diagnosis, but know absolutely that I am autistic, as are both of my grown sons and my father. I worked very hard for services for my kids when they were young. I knew they had issues, but not what. They were both in therapy, getting executive function training, and extremely anxious from toddlerhood. They also had a lot of GI problems that my husband thought were “faking”. Luckily for my kids, stimming, sensory overload, vomiting, communication issues, and melt downs did not seem weird to me, just different to other kids, so I coped better than I might have. But I still felt like I should fix them and I drove myself to burnout.
My husband was in denial about everything and constantly pushing me to make the kids “better”, since their issues were clearly all my fault. He also demanded that I be a social butterfly and listen to music at all times, which I hated. He wanted to call me at work many times a day, when I had no time or desire to talk. It would be “silly” to drive separately to a party so I could leave when I was ready to snap, but then refused to leave when I wanted to.
I work in health care and was exhausted and over stimulated at the end of each day. Too many people wanted too much from me.
Pretending to be “normal” for my hubby, and my boss, and the world led to years of profound depression and over medication.
At 55, I found a great therapist who taught me how to set boundaries, especially with my husband and my boss. Hubby did not like it and divorced me. The best thing that could ever have happened! I now live in a lovely, little, neat, quiet house surrounded by my pets and plants. At work, i also set limits and discovered that I’m valuable enough that I can call all my shots. I work shorter days and I communicate with most people by email, because I HATE talking on the phone. I ask for the music to be turned down if I’m overwhelmed. I say no to social events if it’s too much and drive alone to all social events so I can leave when I want to. I’m honest with my kids about my limits. My youngest son wanted to live with me for 3 months and I said sorry, I can’t do that. We found him an apartment instead. I’ve embraced my quirky self and my kids limitations and I’m coming to terms with my difficult childhood. I have weaned off of most of my antidepressants and all of my anti anxiety medications.
I don’t mask anymore and I am THRIVING!
Wow... 🎉
Diagnosed at age 59 and still struggling with unmasking at age 64. I really appreciate your help.
Thank you for this. I was diagnosed at the age of 58, in 2017. I am still working out how to be comfortable and happy with myself. I have a very supportive partner, but one thing it is helpful to recognise is that some people you've known for a long time won't accept this. They sometimes seem to be hurt that you masked and camouflaged and they can find it very difficult to acknowledge that you want to be yourself now, which for me means not being social.
I had so much self hatred for being on the spectrum. So much shame. It’s why I denied being on the spectrum. There was so much fear of being rejected by everyone. I’ve been admitting it and accepting it. Finding people on you tube like has been so helpful in accepting it all. Meltdowns still scare me. Those are hard
It's so amazing how Orion can vocalise how we're thinking and feeling, because he's shared same or similar experiences. It's so inviting, a relief to know that we're not truly alone and there are answers out there for the majorities of our questions and concerns.
Masking I've found to be a protective technique from have to face the neurotypical world that we live in. It could also be protective for others I've felt. Next level control of pretty much every aspect of ourselves except our brain which is essentially working overtime.
It's draining, yes. It's not truly us, sure, but only because we're being reserved for ourselves and others.
An incredibly excellent presentation of a daily challenge and constant struggles of the neurodivergent. Awesome job, you never cease to surprise me with the perfect timing for your videos and their topics.😊
When I first received my diagnosis I was so happy to FINALLY (at 58) know why I am the way I am that I was telling everyone. I stopped doing that pretty quickly when I realized that a lot of people equate autism with violent or delusional mental illness, and they have no interest in correcting their beliefs. If these are people whose actions can negatively impact on your life be very careful what you tell them and when. Be sure you are protected against negative reactions (being fired, evicted, declared mentally incompetent so that others can get legal control over your finances [this is especially an issue for older people]). My estranged husband and the last living member of my family, a brother, totally ignored what I told them. It isn't about them, therefore it is of no interest, either that or they don't want it known that their wife/sister is a nut case, which might have a negative impact on their images. The diagnosis has meant that I know what I need now and why, and I know what I need to do and so can protect myself--something that I never really understood that I needed to do before. No need to be paranoid--just alert.
Thank you for the reminder about getting legal control of you (via your finances or in other ways because they are controlling types). I always liked the saying "be wise as serpents but harmless as doves."
In other words, if people aren't ready to embrace you for who you are, they are not likely to have your best interests in mind. I've seen some atrocious behavior around people doing this when others died. If you are old or defined as mentally ill, it is just an invite for predators to take what they can. Your comment made me rethink wanting to tell people. I can advocate for my needs, including sensory needs, etc. without revealing a diagnosis to people I don't trust.
My whole life I've misjudged people who did not have my best interests at heart. I need periodic reminders not to let this happen. Many of us who are autistic tend to be too trusting (naive).
I have incredible pattern recognition skills. Hyperphantasia. A nearly perfect tonal ear. Echolalia gives me amazing memorization skills for monologues and spoken poetry. I can recite PAGES of poetry, both my own AND that of others, and not only recall correctly the author, but also THE FIRST TIME I READ/HEARD IT. or how about the fact that those two things are actually THE SAME THING to me. I HEAR everything I read.
These are superpowers, hope you find a positive outlet for them! 🙏
@@lulumoon6942 I wouldn't call them super powers. I consider them my brains compensation to me for making other things nigh on impossible.
I received my ADHD diagnosis before the pandemic. The pandemic was the first time I got to experience what it felt like to not have to mask. It made it harder to mask once things opened back up.
Thanks for talking to me this morning ❤.
I was in tears a bit, felt like you were an understanding friend.
I am expecting my diagnosis results today. I’m 63.
My granddaughter is three, was diagnosed a year ago.
Educating myself about autism, the indications pointing to my own likely autism were glaring.
I appreciate the clarity and guidance you bring.
I'm feeling this as well.
Some of these videos feel so good, like listening to a longtime friend who "just gets me".
In other moments I feel creeped out, like someone who I've never met has been watching me through my windows 🙂
So many of these are just so right-on with emotions and thoughts I'm also having.
At 70 with getting a late diagnosis, I can totally relate to this.
I’m 52, and I’ve been slowly coming to terms with I’m neurodivergent in some way (likely ADHD & autistic). So many people think I can’t be either one because of conflicting behaviors, and my constant wanting “to fit in and not be noticed for the wrong reasons.” Unmasking is very challenging.
ADHD & autism can be like opposite twins in the same body, 1 always wanting what the other wants to avoid: stimulation, rules, spontaneity, quiet and more.
@@katielangsner495 I have this analogy: ADHD and autism are on the same street, but have different house numbers. In me, I've found those contradictory traits actually compliment each other and help keep me more balanced. Like, the autism keeps me organized. The ADHD keeps me productive. Etc.
For me, my mindset about my maksing is that I should take the mask off, but only in certain situations. I was diagnosed when I was twelve. Now I'm sixteen and it's stressful and overwhelming going into the work force. And I surpress it all because it makes people more comfortable. It even makes me comfortable because then I don't have a melt down. Which is the last thing I want my employer and costumers to see.
I've known that I have aphantasia for about 3 years. Last year I discovered that I also have SDAM and I opened to the possibility that I am also an autistic person. This all happened whilst I was writing a book about my trauma-filled life and reviewing the trauma through the lens of aphantasia and SDAM. I've since gone into therapy and had my autism confirmed. I also realised that I had been wearing a mast for over 65 years and I tried to drop that mask and just allow who I am to emerge. The problem was that I had absolutely no idea who I am, and two weeks ago I went into a major meltdown that lasted three days and was followed by what I suspect was a shutdown.
I'm writing this with your video paused at 7.11 because I had to say Thank You. This, so far, is the best possible way I have to explain to other people what happened, with recognising and accepting my neurodivergence and why it is so important to me to know this at my late age. And it is also the best way because you have again helped me to understand a bit more about who, and why, I am.
You are doing awesome work.
Thanks for sharing your experiences. I'm much older, too, but feel so young/immature in the rebuilding process. Best to you.
Thank you for sharing this. Especially for SDAM. I didn't know it existed and now I'm crying because of how relatable it is
This is how I'm feeling right now! Glad I dont have to type it all, sad to hear we are having the same struggles. Hopeful we can all overcome them together now that we are part of a new community!
I've been thinking and learning a lot about authenticity lately. Did you know being your authentic self can actually improve your immune system? It's literally just good for you!! In so many ways. Happy to see this vid about it from you so i can learn from you too 🙏 i just recently started trying to be more of myself with people in my life more intentionally. So i'm taking notes. Haha 🙂☺
Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself, of my emotions, sensitivity and sticking to routine. As an undiagnosed autistic I can't fully unmask, but I keep reminding myself, that it is okay to be vulnerable.
I do feel monumentally challenged. I do discriminate against those who are actually like me, or I have been trained to do so. I've had soooo many monumental setbacks that seem completely impossible to overcome, or recover from. There are SOOO many absolutely perfect points in this long rant that apply directly to my experience of not figuring out I was Autistic, until hitting 60. Yes, I started having meltdowns in the workplace. I never felt a shutdown was acceptable behavior... and I was definitely in burnout at that time. I didn't know what any of those things meant at the time. I started researching why noise, lights, and smells were bothering ME in the workplace, but not my coworkers. BAM... SPD --> Autism. Finally an explanation for all the friction in my life.
Orion, thank you for your videos.
I have little chance to get an autism test soon, but I have come to the realization that I am on the spectrum - like my two kids.
I am sitting here, listening, and I feel insanely tired. So many puzzle pieces falling into place. So much to unroll.
Thank you. This video is unsettling, but very useful.
I was diagnosed in September and I'm finding it really tricky navigating things, so thanks for all your hard work!
I worked night shifts in a call centre for 9 years, was great at my job, but was moved to day shifts and had a full on breakdown after 6 months and couldn't work for a long while, I now know a lot of it was autistic burn out.
My last employer didn't understand autism or mental health and thought talking about things was pointless, I had to quit after a month as I was working 65 hour weeks. My boss said the work could be done in 30 so I was obviously just slow. Despite the work being spaced out from 8am to 2am. Her words have had such an effect on me mentally and I now feel like a massive failure. Especially as she no longer talks to me as I queried my last pay cheque, which was a load lower than it was meant to be.
Now I'm finding it all but impossible to find a new work from home job and there's no support for me at all. 😞
This was helpful. I was diagnosed at 49. I thought my brother and sister in law would be supportive since both of my nephews are autistic. However, I was informed by my sister in law that I was NOT autistic because she knew what “autism looks like.” 🤔 My brother agreed and added that my seizure disorder changed my brain, and that’s why the doctors came up the autism diagnosis.🤯 They’ve seen me 2 times in 30 years.🤷♀️
This was an excellent video! Because of the isolation due to the pandemic, my mask was set on the table by the door and I became accustomed to not needing it. I lived alone at that time. My house mates are autistic and had suspected I was autistic for years. Then I went thru a period of death. My brother, who I was taking care of died. Some few months later my elderly cat died and I came home from the veterinarians to find another cat had dropped dead from a heart attack. A few months after that one of my housemates cat was killed by a dog. A week ago the same dog savaged my chihuahua. He is recovering. I’ve been a mess and slapped that mask back on so fast it would make your head spin. Now I’m trying to take it off again, while still trying to deal with all the grief and stress. Do you have a video or podcast that deals with developing skills to handle something like this?
Since I’ve been unmasking my anxiety has actually decreased. Realizing I’ve needed to stim my whole life 😢and now I’m doing it it’s like when your legs wake up from being asleep. 😅I’ve always known I have adhd but know I know it’s audhd it’s so much of a change. Thank you for your videos thank you for your ability to share and help us learn what’s e never learned before.
If you can cover relationship accommodation that would be really helpful thanks❤❤
I am 54 years old in the US, and my biggest obstacle in accepting and advocating for my autistic self is getting an actual diagnosis. I can't find anywhere to get diagnosed, but work, my therapist, and my primary doctor want an actual diagnosis in order to start accepting my neurodiversity.
33 female here. I came to your channel because I just realized my guy friend (36 male) whom I have dated, may have autism. I have ADHD. He has social anxiety and is introverted, so I didn't see the potential autism until recently.
Respectfully, as someone with ADHD I have a hard time being patient though listening through the long video to get to the main points, I keep skipping ahead looking for the spark notes. 😅 I love your enthusiasm and positivity, and great information! Thanks for sharing! I find a lot relates to my friend.
Honestly listening to this it appears to me that leaving one's mask on is much simpler. I was diagnosed at 60, a very young sixty, and I have heeded this advice numerous times with negative results. There are a few points, such as dealing with self-depreciation, that have merit. I do enjoy your channel and come here when I need a bit of self-help.
you have no idea how much this video is doing for me right now, I am pursuing official diagnosis but I have is no doubt left in me as to if I am or am not autistic. The pain, the masking and the never being good enough, not being able to get the hidden cues everyone else was using, wondering what was wrong with me.
Watching this video is the first time I feel any amount of self love in so very long. It may seem strange but I only feel excited to go on this unmasking journey, I've gotten to a point where I have nothing left to lose and everything to gain. Words cannot explain how grateful I am for what you are sharing. Sincerely thank you.
Diagnosed last year at 36. I have so much support from those who really love me, though I still feel lonely as I come to terms with who I am. Tell you what though, accepting I need plushies at all times has been a game changer, flew home (Melbourne to Perth) last night cuddling an 80cm bear, made the flight a lot easier.
I’m 56 and only just realised that I have ASD. I’m worried about my partner, my work, my friend group and myself. When I remove my mask surely no one will want to know me? When I mention that I’m autistic most people say. “Oh I think everyone’s like that” ! Drives me mad!
Something I hear a lot when I try to explain autism to people: “Everyone has something, you just need to ”
I had my first full-blown anxiety attack after a weekend writing workshop with 36 other women, 34 of whom were complete strangers. (What was I thinking?) I was 70 and still undiagnosed autistic. When it was time to say good-byes, I turned and ran out of the room, got in my car, gunned it out of the parking lot, and wondered all the way home what the heck was going on with me. That was a signal..... :)
Then I experienced a major bullying incident in my 'soulful, sisterly' group of friends. We had been meeting monthly for a few years. I had the audacity to address gossip against me by some of the members in the group, and was unceremoniously kicked out. Once I got over the trauma, that, among other recent 'incidents', was the biggest gift to my autistic life.
Now I am teflon coated. I can recognize unsafe people from a mile off and am capable of establishing boundaries for the first time in my life. I'm also drawing in supporters (potential friends) for being myself.... Did I mention I've had a lot of counselling?
I don't think my supporters are autistic women, but wise women my own age who have learned a few things about life, like the effects of anxiety, gossip and bullying. They are different in their own ways in that they don't hide their intelligence and they are tuned in more than is 'normal' to human nature. They have probably experienced bullying themselves.
I'm hoping it works out long-term with them.
You're not just a very good channel, or a breath of fresh air; you are a goddam blessing! I'm 33 and was diagnosed with PDD last year. After doing some research, and especially discovering your channel, I genuinely do not feel like I'm a lone alien in this world. Keep up the good work, Kelly. You have my support every step of the way.
I was diagnosed two years ago at 44 and after I got through a period of the weirdest grief I've ever experienced, I started trying to accommodate and be more patient with myself. To my surprise, doing that made me far more patient with other people and the relationships in my life have benefitted immensely. I also have found a job with people, coworkers and management alike, who are kind and understanding (after years of stuffing myself into a mask and working with, by and large, miserable assholes). I think that's because just about everyone I work with is much younger than I am, and the Kids These Days tend to be a *lot* more accepting than people my age and older. Having a diagnosis has made my life actually better in many, many ways.
Believe it or not you've helpee me me realize that self employment is going to be the only way for me. It's my first official week and I'm already so burried in work lol. Huge mental health win which I can't put a price on.
I only masked really at small family parties, work, or with close friends. This is because I pretty much made sure I was left alone until I was about 19 years of age. Work I had to develop scripts (there is a topic for you Orion) to get through the day and handling different individuals, first as a mathematics tutor, then an education specialist/training, then later at the casino where I had to put on a sales persona that I absolutely despised doing. However, I am indigenous and I worked at my Tribes casino. I also masked here in Denmark, mostly with my brother-in-law and his wife. They are up accepting really of my diagnosis, and want me to behave in all forms of communication in my “fawning” personality I take on when I am around her. I moved to Denmark over 20 years ago. I had to mask at school because here in Denmark they believe in small groups working together on projects, presentations, and homework. So, I came into class with a smile (I hate to smile), introducing myself, and just being engaging and kind. Though it never worked the way I hoped, I was always shunned by the Danes, and some neurotypical non-Danish men. One even took my project idea, and did it with another group.
Yes, the scripts, a lifesaver! Thank you for beautifully articulating these challenges. And you are so strong to go through so many cultural changes, and personality sublimation, to survive. I hope you have pursuits and pleasures you enjoy that will bring the right people near you. We are more than our roles! ❤️🙏💞
The big one for me was (and still very much is) is my loss of a frame of reference as to how people think. With my diagnosis, I no longer knew how "normal people" think. I'm not one, so I cannot use myself as a model, so what the hell is going on behind all those eyes? Can I trust this person? If I do trust them, I will get stabbed in the back. If I don't, I will hurt people who could be trusted, and I will continually second-guess myself, freaking myself out in the process. Working with kids helps, because their 'brutal' honesty is a breath of fresh air to me. I stink? Thanks for telling me, now I can do something about it.
What timing! Just got my diagnosis today in Brisbane at age 36.
Grateful yet slightly apprehensive about when and where to decide to disclose and bracing for the usual “you don’t look Autistic” etc. That was literally the first thing I was told by the first person I confided in when my GP recommended assessment (from a pyschologist no less). 🤦♀️
Stay strong i was diagnosed a few months ago in warsaw at the age of 25. Lost a few friends and girlfriend because of that "you're making this autism thing up" or "everybody is slightly autistic dont feel sorry for yourself".
At 4:21 in this video you caused me to have an aha moment when you said undiagnosed autistic people try not to even be seen! Correct sir! I have just recently come to terms with the fact that I've been so afraid of being seen by people my whole life that I thought I was just shy oe intoverted...not entirely true because the me I don't want people to see is the the me I'm just now getting to know myself! Slowly I'm unmasking and as I get comfortable with myself unmasked, I've noticed that the fear of "being seen oe noticed" by others is fading. I think that has something to do with we ad autistic people seeing our true selves first and then accepting and loving ourselves before we let the world see us as we really are.
I've been yelled at all my life for being my real self, so that self has been so deeply buried, I wonder if she's still alive. LOL
Same
This is spot on. I’m 53, just spent a year in therapy trying to figure out why I couldn’t be my true self bc of something that happened at a former job bc I’ve been bullied my whole life and I wanted to drill down as to why it still happens to me, why I can’t speak up and defend myself. Turns out my younger son is being recommended for evaluation due to a recent move and then I read about masking, women who shared being their true selves. I was dumbfounded. So now I’m in the rabbit hole, researching all I can learn, I’m on book 5. 😂
The whole process is mind boggling, the reactions, the lack of knowledge about autism in general, especially those who learned to hide and had no sense of self. This is exactly right Orion, thanks for the video. ❤
Not totally related to this video but your mention of guilt brought this up. I was diagnosed in my early 40's and my son is also autistic and I feel guilty about passing it on to him. I didn't want him to be like me, to have the struggles i had which I now realise were related to autism.
Mate you can't feel guilty for something you didn't know about. I bet you didn't know you were autistic when you had him. Its not something you set out to do, its not something you could have known about and it's not something to feel bad about. Your kid has the benefit of know about his ASD, and he has a Dad who can help support him when he needs it. Buit you can only do that if you let go of that guilt so you can be at your best.
Let go od the guilt, it's mis-placed and it is getting in the way of looking after your son, your family and yourself.
Fred, it's possible to think of autism as a gift since there are special interests that can emerge with autism, especially if encouraged. The struggles are definitely there, without a doubt. But the keen focus and the ability to develop one's special interests are gifts, or can become gifts.
I suspect most of us who are autistic see through the many social pretenses, so we see the world more clearly as it is. Once we learn to manage our gifts (not mask them) we have a richer life. Some of this is what I've found and some is aspirational as I'm still working it out.
three minutes in and i’m already crying. i finally feel seen and my life growing up finally makes sense. i have been dealing with a lot of suppression because i felt the need to be “normal.” the part where you said it felt like the mask was glued on really hit me hard because that’s how i feel. like my whole body is twitching just thinking about everything that’s been suppressed.
'So, stop masking', my psychiatrist said. I'm trying. I've lost all of my self-confidence and belief in my ability to function, and my intellect. People react to me differently. And, yes, it's hard to self-advocate and speak up. Thanks for sharing. It's really helpful!
As someone who was also late diagnosed as autistic, this is really helpful for me. It helped me understand why I do certain things and to help work on certain issues (mainly people pleasing because that has really gotten me in trouble before, and my internal self hatred) more and understand them. Thanks for making these videos. It's helping me, and my non autistic partner understand me better and how to help with certain things. It's really made a difference.
I told some friends my late in life diagnosis, but I wouldn't necessarily recommend it. They all treated me differently whether purposefully or not I don't know. It's just a sad situation all around, often I feel I'd just prefer to be left alone.
Yeah this is all real interesting, thing is I’m struggling like holy hell. 50 years old and just found out I’m autistic… always knew there was something “strange” or different but had no idea why.
Masking isn’t something I do, at least I didn’t think I did. It’s far from a conscious decision. I felt it was “putting on a brave face” but now see the parallels. How can you be authentic when you don’t feel you know anything anymore? I can’t get how to….
With regards looking back on life with a different perspective…. This is causing flashbacks on a regular basis, constant anxiety, deep regret and resentment, anger then back to anxiety. I’ve lost all confidence in my own judgment, intelligence and perception.
It was such a relief to find out what the “issue” or condition I have and I wouldn’t go back to not knowing, but it has quickly turned into an overwhelming burden on my thoughts.
It’s like my line of plumb that I assumed was perfectly horizontal is now completely off, but I have no idea HOW much and in what direction.
After 50 years, one divorce, no ability to maintain a relationship, even though I wanted to, many failed relationships and unhappiness and anxiety as far as I can remember, I gotta say, I’m surprised I’m still breathing..
In high school, forced into a baptist school so add further stress to mask, I took to wearing all black.
I was asked if I was emo, goth, depressed, etc...
I was a theater kid. Theater and all has always been a hyperfocus of mine.
I dressed in black to be a stage hand. To be invisible. Nail on the head with what it is to mask in that sense.
At first it was to fit in... Then it was to fade out.
I have always dealt with "I gotta get the bleep out of here!" syndrome when it comes to extended social situations. Being diagnosed as autistic has helped me to understand that I am not anti-social. Understanding the why helps me explain my withdrawals so others can understand that I am not bored, angry, or offended by them. Lots of new people at once is stressful for me and I need to decompress.
I cannot begin to tell you how valuable your videos have been to me, after finding out I'm autistic at the age of 51. Bravo sir. Thank you.
I look back on (speciffically) communication scenarios where I've just completely frozen, or needed to walk out but couldn't and then felt completely drained afterwards. This makes so much sense now.
I've recently learned for better or for worse, to accept and acknowledge that the mask I wear will forever be the greatest, most charismatic aspect of my persona I will ever be capable of manifesting. I've come to terms and made my peace with this, and use it to help improve my life in the best way possible. I know that in doing this, I will be diluting my pure self with the self people wish me to be. In a way, I feel like I'm dying, like I'm giving up a piece of myself for the sake of those around me, because in an odd way, I've come to love myself, and I know my ego is strong enough to give a chip of myself away, if it means I get a chance to be among others.
I think you can also stop hanging out with people that you have to mask heavily. It really gives a huge strain on energy levels and anxiety.
@@starwars1357 Absolutely agree. I've been learning this over time and have been slowly getting those people out of my life, and I'm surrounding myself with people I can be my truest self with. I still don't mind a little masking here and there, but for sure.
@@DalariusPVP Yeah sure sometimes there will be some new, neurotypical people for example at some house gathering. I always treat it as a fun game to test my masking skills, even made some distant contacts that way :D
@@DalariusPVP It also feel very good to totally unmask when youre in a crowd f.e commute to work. There is no reason to care in that situation i can make strange face gestures or stand silly. It may sound hard but i've come from having panic attacks in public transports to squatting on the bus stop because i wanted to strech my gluts while looking like somebodys from 1998 amsterdam rave and im proud of it
I have the opposite issue. I got diagnosed when I was 7 and people taught me to be normal, I had to hone my moter skills, I had to learn to talk properly and to hide the obvious traits of my condition. The problem is I feel after so many years of pretending to be normal I've lost who I actually am. It feels like there's an empty space in me and because I've lost who I am I feel distanced from my family and friends because I can't be my true self anymore.
I was diagnosed with autism at the age of 23, and even now at 28 and i’m still figuring out how to unmask. I’ve become more comfortable with stimming and having comfort items and not being afraid at having a different way of being. These videos have been so helpful for me. 😊
I started watching your videos to see if my child might be on the spectrum. I got the diagnosis for myself a few days ago I'm 38. I just would like to say thank you, I would be very lost without your help.
well what a perfect time to be bingeing your channel
I have found... Its always a perfect time ❤
@@user-ye1go6hw9r oh sorry just for clarification this was the first comment on the video abt 3 minutes after it went up
I feel I have to mask because I have my whole life. I am afraid people won’t accept my authentic me. I am 44 years as diagnosed at 41 at 30 I was misdiagnosed bipolar
Here's my experience so far: people don't want to hear that you're autistic, they don't believe you, and they resent you from having ANY kind of accommodation that they don't get. One person said that's not fair... we all have problems, why should you get a pass? !! This is way harder than i thought.
I have never been hard on other people for being different but when it comes to myself... oh boy. My sister always reminds me to think "if someone else had that problem would you be so harsh?"
Thank you Orion. Diagnosed at 51 yrs old after a lifetime of feeling different and masking it. Very helpful video. Keep doing what you do.
I have added this to my playlist, for watching another time … it’s 2am.
Diagnosed about 18 months ago, aged 65.
I have listened to almost all of your podcasts, and each has explained a lot of my past (and present) to me. So, trying to come to terms with quite a few things and wondering “who am I?”
I think this podcast will shine some lights.
As a late diagnosed autistic person (went to get a diagnose at 30 years old), your videos are a great help for me.
i hardly ever hear people be up front about how masking Autistics are more often than not ableist in some way or another. unlearning that is very important both for self acceptance and being a true advocate or accepting member of the disability community. it's not your fault that you internalized ableist ideas, you were just trying to survive, but acknowledging the ways you are ableist and unpacking that is a really good thing to do and will help our community be safer for all types of Autistic people, not just people who present the same way or have the same experience we do
Since you asked for topics, here are some ideas. Feel free to do nothing with it! Just some thoughts that I had.
- Your experience with disclosing your diagnosis to friends and family.
- Dealing with intimacy and specifically sensory difficulties or demand.
- Balancing understimulation and overstimulation.
- Preparing for the summer holidays, how to fill and structure the days, how are you to survive it.
- How you manage taking care of your kids after school when there is no backup parent.
- Your experience with therapies/therapists and medication.
- How to avoid getting lost in a special interest or thinking about it all day long.
- Ways to boost your self confidence as an autistic person.
- Learning to stim as an adult when fidget toys don't do the trick.
- To what degree to unmask? neurotypicals also have undesirable traits that they mask.
- Autism as the next evolutionary step. Just a fun theory.
It's been a roller coaster ride. I only started to realise it after my son was diagnosed. Out of curiosity I did the same tests my son did and the results were higher than his. I thought, what???!!! And the dive into autism, SPD, PDA, ADHD all began. I used to call myself crazy. The crazy one. The wild one. The one that doesn't fit in. Looking back through autistic lense on my past has been an a-ha moment. I'm going through the pain of "seeing" what was really happening, while understanding how I ended up in such awful situations, again and again and again. For the first time I'm able to forgive myself and have compassion for myself. And now anger and a sense of wanting justice is entering my existence. Sooo many people have used me. And I've allowed so many people to do what they want to me in this attempt to hide and "be normal". How can you be normal when you don't know what that is. And when someone tells me what normal is there is no way I could do it. My Trauma Therapist told me the other day that she treats many people who are autistic, and its the attempt to navigate this life which has gotten them into serious horrors. She said I am typical of all the other autistics she's treated and understood the gaslighting from professionals. "Why do you want to be diagnosed? Your 46!" Life is hard living in NT rules. They are a strange way to be. I want to be an animal or a plant because humans are not fun, not safe to be around. They are too loud in every way. Why make clothes which are itchy scratchy? How can they even touch those materials? How can they watch a movie when they put it so loud the ears hurt and headaches come? Why can't anyone in a shop understand what I'm saying? I wonder, am I in hell already and this is the punishment? I'm tired.
In re: self-compassion
One of the hardest things that you will realise and need to accept is that you may have been harmful and even abusive to others when you weren’t aware of your ND. It’s really important to take time to not just have compassion for yourself but to have patience and compassion for the loved ones that have only known your masked self. When you couldn’t figure out how to articulate your overwhelm to people (people that are ND or otherwise), remember that they are also subject to the NT paradigms. You may have mistreated people in your attempts to get your needs met and you may not be forgiven. Moving forward, your diagnosis is something that empowers you see things more clearly and to do better by yourself and those around you. When you are granted this gift that allows you to see things more clearly, you have a responsibility to reflect on your past behavior, to keep yourself accountable in a way you couldn’t before, and to do so in a way that is compassionate to both yourself and the people that care about you
This is so crucial, I really hope more autistic men watch this. It's so important and SO HARD to have compassion for yourself.
This is your best video thus far. I can relate to every word. I'm self diagnosed almost 68yoa (June 29). I have got to where i rarely mask. It's not my job to please everyone. they must take me as i am, if they desire to be my close friend. Bright lights, loud talking and crowds set me off. I have mentioned to my regular Dr that i feel im autistic. He stated that lots of people are & asked what brought this to my attention. So, i told him about you, Orion. I bragged about you for a few moments. he ask me the name of your pg & he looked it up on his computer and said "Is this Him?" There you were, in all your Glory! I commented that it was the correct pg. He was very interested & i'm certain that hes looked at your pg. Or will. So, thank you. Job well done, Mate! Thank you. i will also mention it to my Mental Health Practitioner, i have a feeling he wont be as cool about it. Only way to find out is to 'dig right in'. I do not mask with any of my Health providers. Dentist, included. I need to be me.
i unmasked over the last several years without even knowing what that meant, or that i was autistic. after crashing and burning and being a hair away from just being dead for actual years, i forced myself through my utter exhaustion to stop trying to be 'normal', which i recognized as the source of my agony, and just be me, figure out what i wanted to do to make ME happy, regardless of how 'weird' that might be.
i made life changes to accommodate me that would fill a book, and i am genuinely happy for the first time in 60 years.
a lifetime of masking was EXHAUSTING.
The best experience i can think of that includes all of these aspects is shopping with another person. The idea of managing sensory input, exceutive function, self awareness, socializing, and trying to hide the crippling anxiety of it all is enough to create a breakdown. People dont understand why i cant tolerate making a shopping trip a social activity.
Your videos always make me tear up a bit with some self realisations. Thanks
Orion, thanks for helping me realize that I'm autistic. It's just been a few weeks, and all you say here deeply resonates.
Masking is not the word I would use: CONTROL is more like it. As I'm so wild, and intense inside, that it can't roam free in the public space.
Yes, some friends are terribly invalidating. Yes, I'm going through an existential crisis. Yes, I ve been reliving my past relationships with this new understanding. I had actually apologised to a loved One years ago for been inconsiderate... Yes, I am behaving differently as I'm now owning my sensory overload differences, so my colleagues would start wondering what got into me.
Strangely enough, as a TV reporter, some people have told me more than often they love the way I approach my work, and the way I connect with them. My work is my special interest. I just try to refrain from interrupting people all the time, with my relentless questions. It's a feedback I got recently, before I diagnosed myself. It helped.
Feedback helps...
Edit: cause we also hurt others. Realize that.
You are amazing. I was shocked when I found this stuff because I felt like some one had been spying on me. “How do they know this???” My diagnoses has been ignored by friends and family so it’s been a very lonely journey unmasking and being my self
Lonely.....could be one way to describe it but having a dog.....make life so much better.
Omg yes, so many answers yet so many new questions came with my late diagnosis. In my case that's compounded because at the same time Inwas diagnosed with trisomy 47,XXY aneuploidy. Seems like many of us KS guys have ASD+ADHD. My childhood diagnosis was incomplete, but I'm not. I feel blessed with a fresh opportunity to own my true nature and just BE ME!
This video describes exactly how I have been feeling as a 43 year old man who has just been through late diagnosis.
Thanks Orion Kelly
After listening to this, I have self-confirmed that my awareness of being fundamentally different from the others in my life does in fact go back as far as my childhood memories go. Self-preservation in the daily chaos of erractic humans never once made me feel like I wanted to conform...to fit in...to strive for acceptance and validation from my parents, my brother, and then the greater human world.
I accept my late-life diagnosis as fact. A lived experience of difference. And one filled with self-preservation, fine-tuned to exacting detail in the Mask I put on every time I go out in the world.
It has always been said of me that I dance to my own orchestra of music...I still can't feel a need to be like others.
What is also true is there is no place in society for me. I have not found a home. Any sense of home, of freindship, of connection is now past tense. Life is simply surviving. Surviving for what is a thought line I must avoid contemplating because "for what" implies there is a home...yet to be found.
I am very good at being me.
I am alone.
I am lonely.
Truth hurts but must be accepted.
I was diagnosed at 50 after my daughter was finally diagnosed. Unmasking has been a tough journey and I’m still re-learning who I am. At first it was so confusing. Where did the mask end and where did the real me live. I suppressed so many memories of difficult encounters that taught me to mask, blow by blow. Masking is associated with higher rates of depression, anxiety and mental and physical health issues. And I also learned I had multiple co-morbidities that explained so much of what I have experienced my whole life. I have been mourning the person I suppressed and hid and abused for so many years. And then “coming out” as autistic has been difficult. As a “power masker” all those years I encountered the most skepticism from my own family. Thankfully my friends and coworkers have been amazingly supportive. But ultimately unmasking is a lonely path.
I quit cutting hair after twenty years to become a driver so i could be more alone throughout the day. It has been very healing to step away from a job that just wasnt working for my brain anymore. I suppose i grew out of it and embraced the person i am and stopped teying to be someone. (At least as much as i can). 💜
I love this video. I love how our community verbalizes and articulates our thoughts in such a unique way. I find myself scatter-brained and under-stimulated with hyper-short-form content. My RUclips history is comprised of mostly long documentary-style series which can encourage my brain to stimulate itself with thoughts provoked by the content. I too hate the concise nature of all content creation these days, seeing as many autistic people struggle to process such info-dense things at such a high speed. I like elaboration, I want people to thoroughly explore the topics they choose to undertake. Perhaps, this could encourage further extrapolation of such ideas, forcing people to think a little harder, a little longer.
I've rarely watched TV or most movies. The short-form packaged stuff is like fingernails on a blackboard to me. It seems worse every year.
35, just got diagnosed a few months ago and starting the unmasking process. im loving it
Thanks Orion. I am waiting on a formal diagnosis so not quite ready to ‘unmask’. This video has helped me understand a bit more about it. I’ve been socially adjusting and suppressing some things as an undiagnosed autistic female for over 50 years. Yes, I did think that I was a typical person but always felt different and seemed a bit odd. I think I started to burn out about 5 years ago when my physical health started declining (probably from all the overwhelm and exhaustion), so I already started learning to say no to some things. I burnt out at work a few months ago, and that’s when I made the autism discovery. There’s a long way to go, but your videos and podcasts are a great source of help. Thank you, and keep up the good work. 😊
Thank you. I actually accidentally started unmaking before anyone realized I might be autistic. I can’t communicate to anyone how physical exhausting and painful it is.
Without your content I would be lost.
Orion this video explains what you have been doing lately with your unmasked videos. My god you put your money where your mouth is. I cannot tell how much admiration I have for what you have been doing recently. You are such an inspiration. But I do worry that it might have a negative impact on you personally. The NT world can be so unaccepting as we all know so well. Orion you have so much integrity it is unreal.
I'm studying up to understand the distinctions properly so I can support others better because neurotypical people mask as well and usually also unconsciously. I get that the sensory sensitivies are different. but unmasking to authenticity is a real challenge even for neurotypical people because the physiology is so interconnected with our psychology and because so many apparently 'neurotypical' people have CPTSD which is as much of a challenge to overcome. Let's be realistic, many people will never understand and we cannot expect them to, personally, I've never accused anyone of being discriminatory unless they're a malevolent abuser. Unmasking is really difficult unless you take time out. Love to all going through this process.