It is so hard to accept ourselves when those around us don’t validate our experiences or perspectives. This is why I won’t go to therapy anymore, because as a high-masking woman I’ve ALWAYS been dismissed because I am not, idk, stereotypically nonverbal and flapping my hands around. Even my school psychologist sister dismisses me when I talk about autism: “Everyone is a little autistic though. Let’s not over-pathologise ourselves. It’s called the spectrum for a reason.” It can be so hard to be ourselves when no one allows us to be
Ugh yes!! Going to therapy is hard. They're like, "you seem fine, I think we're done here" and I'm just dying inside 😩 Also as for your sister (if you don't mind my commenting on that) have you ever flipped it on her? "Yes, it really is a spectrum, isn't it?" Or something along those lines. I'm sorry you have that to deal with :/ I've told one person other than my husband and my brother and the response was an odd look and, "I don't think you are". Maybe I'm bad at discerning looks but what I got from it was confusion and like... disgust? Took some tests and showed them results and they told me to work through it with a therapist. That's what we get for trying to be understood, I guess
@@SassyKat6669 I did actually tell her how dismissive it is to say that, and she isn’t an inconsiderate person by any means so she took the point. But oftentimes, the damage is done. She said she wouldn’t speak on it again but it’s like nooooo that’s not helpful either 🥲😂 it just made me feel like speaking up for myself hurt her feelings. It’s bizarre because neurodivergent traits seem to come from my dad’s side, yet she’s more likely to reference our autistic cousin than me because she has more of the “stereotypical” types of social issues and sensory sensitivities. She would NEVER say “everyone is a little autistic though” when talking about that cousin, but for some reason I am seeing things that aren’t there in myself? It’s kind of like the double empathy problem. Therapists can be aware that there is a discrepancy in recognizing and diagnosing high-functioning autistic people, and yet they don’t realize how much they rely on stereotypes to recognize and consider that someone is struggling with autism. And so when the person in front of them thinks they are, they just say “no you’re probably depressed and have features of anxiety.” Ok, but I’m telling you WHY I am depressed and anxious, and you don’t realize that dismissing me makes it worse 😂😂😂
@@innocentnemesis3519 I'm sorry you've been through it (but so good to know I'm not alone in a way). Before I suspected I was speaking to a therapist like, "I know I have adhd but there's something else. Like, there's depression but it's secondary, it's a reaction." At the end of that same session you know what he said? "It sounds like you're depressed would you like to work on that?" I get that's what he normally works with and sees though, so if it's there he's gonna find it. I just wish they didn't focus so heavily on it. Happens in the medical field too though. Someone smokes and it MUST be their lungs. A close family member has a type of blood cancer and every time they go in, everyone is all over their lungs. Like yeh, there's low oxygen but it's because the blood can't carry it. And I'm depressed because my brain doesn't do the thing the way I want it to. I hope that comparison made sense! (Edited for some missing words)
Hello sister!!! I too have spent my entire life masking. I have decided not to even bother sharing with some people, because of precisely the reaction you described.
@@SassyKat6669 It totally made sense, and I’m sorry you have also had this experience in therapy. And you’re right, medical professionals in general can very much have tunnel vision especially if they’re a specialist. I totally get you on the depression part. For YEARS I’ve been told I just need to accept and love myself, but people don’t see how much their invalidation contributes to the depression. I’ve tried CBT multiple times and then started blaming myself when I couldn’t finish the homework, force myself onto a schedule, change my thinking patterns, or make myself not zone out when people are trying to talk to me. When I finally realized I was autistic and probably ADHD, I was amazed that no one ever even suggested ADHD to me at the very least. Like, the things I was describing struggling with were pretty textbook neurodivergence, but you’re right - they just want to slap the bandaid on the depression that results from years of being unseen and invalidated. They never seem to consider that there is a valid reason you’re depressed.
I mask so well. As I interact with another, I look fine on the outside. At the same time, my anxiety level is screaming inside. I weigh potential outcomes to my responses, judge what is going on, and try to analyze what is expected as the interaction proceeds. It's exhausting.
When I first found out, I was so happy. I finally knew why people didn't want to be around me and it was impossible to make friends. I thought now I'll just tell people and they will completely understand and accept me..... Boy was I wrong there! I should have said I have HIV or something they wouldn't have ran away as fast.... These are people my age about 10 years ago. Casual friends at local bars. Telling family was a little better but I got the same response as your grandmother, my mom has eventually come around but still says there's nothing wrong with the way I am... I understand why she says that but for me, I need to know why I'm never invited to things, why people ignore me, why people use me for my talent and then drop me like a dirty sock. Knowing there is something "wrong" makes me feel so much better. I asked myself for 25 years "what's wrong with me?" Now that I know, it hurts when people don't believe you. The first person I came out to "was" a good friend he made me feel so stupid and low. I felt like I was trying to apply for disability trying to explain it to him. He said I just needed an excuse for being a weird asshole. (Be very careful who you come out too! People will take advantage of our weaknesses!) Just went through that for about the 100th time...
This sounds very much like my experience. I spent my adult life wondering what was going on, but always being told that since I was "functional" (keeping a job, paying my bills, etc) there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with me. Once I reached my conclusion of ASD+iADHD earlier this year I've broached the topic with many people I know; nearly all have been very skeptical and many outright dismissive of the idea. Those I've been able to sit down and explain at length about all my reasoning they come around to understanding and agreeing.
@jliller They are skeptical because unless they have spent weeks or months with you alone they've seen mostly masking. They do notice the common things that make us stand out as different but even then they only see maybe 10% of what's really going on inside our heads outwardly. The rest is us doing a mental marathon trying to hold it together. I'm bad about if too many people are in a room talking several different conversations going on my brain hears "words" so it tries to compute all conversations at once. It's like a different language. I can hold out for maybe 20 minutes before I get this overwhelming urge to leave immediately, and I usually do it without saying a word. I'll usually use my IBS excuse or important phone call. My main point is people don't realize what I'm really going through they can't understand because they can't put themselves in our shoes. I've often wished I could put people inside my head for a day so they could understand what we go through daily. It's absolutely amazing we can function as well as we do. At the end of the day, I think we are the most mentally tough individuals on the planet to deal with what seems like an alien race called humans. JMO. As always, it's a gift and curse but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Who cares about lots of friends anyway. Need a friend, buy a dog lol.
So well written. Same, trying to find out for years what’s wrong with me, then finally finding out the difference and not being believed. It really hurts. Some people seem to give the impression that I’m trying to do this to get attention or something, but I have not ever been the kind of person to do things for attention. So frustrating 😢
@Taylor Hornsby Thank you. I completely understand you there. I can't speak for everyone, but I think the majority of us hate attention and drama. I have literally begged the closest family and very few friends to watch these videos so they can have that "eureka moment" and suddenly realize "hey you were right all along, you're not crazy." But that never seems to happen. Wish I had a perfect answer to fix this problem, but if I did, I would be NT not autistic lol.
When I told my husband, he just kind of shrugged and said, "knowing what it's called doesn't change who you are. We've been married 20 years and we're managing just fine." And he was so right. I was not only validated but I felt fully accepted! My sister pushed back hard because we're twins, and she's not on the spectrum. But we've worked it out. Thank you for this video!
Or perhaps your sister pushed back hard because she is currently unable to accept that she might be autistic too. I've seen that with several (clearly autistic) family members. "You can't be autistic because if you are, I might be too."
I came out as soon as I discovered my autism... At age 69. I recently moved to the community and was a relatively new member of the church. So I came out by standing in front of the congregation and making an announcement. 😊 Yep! I told everyone what a blessing it is and how grateful I am to finally know who I am. When I told my family and friends, also right away, their reaction was basically. "Oh." I mean they've always known that I'm a bit weird, so this probably just made sense to them! 😁 Church folks have been fine. I guess my point is, I'm not looking for anyone's validation. Just happy to shout the good news from every housetop. Happy to be me, and at last, to know who the hell that is! ❤️
I was also 69 when I was diagnosed. My grandson is on the spectrum and so in the process of researching what that means I discovered several RUclips channels such as “Autism From The inside” and started recognizing what was being described in myself. This prompted me get a professional diagnosis. The only people I have told are very close family (adult son and spouse) and one childhood friend. I am frankly nervous and worried about telling others.
"I mean they've always known that I'm a bit weird, so this probably just made sense to them!" You'd think always being known as a bit eccentric/weird and one day saying you'd figured out the explanation as to why would be readily accepted, but in my experience that's not the case. Your friends/family might even be dismissive of the idea that there is any explanation at all for your lifetime of behavior because they believe some people are odd ducks for absolutely no reason at all.
@@jliller You could be right about the dismissiveness. However, I discovered something else happened when I came out in public. I am an acupuncturist, author, and screenplay writer, among other things, and I started my own RUclips channel a while back. My focus was on healing. However, once I came out with my autism, especially female related stuff, people were suddenly a LOT more interested. I think sometimes they just do not know how to respond, in person.
I was born 1960, figured out on my own that I'm autistic via reading a random newspaper article about "Asperger's Syndrome" in Nov 2005 at Age 45. This was a "Gobsmacked" moment for me, it utterly & completely explained my life! I fit all the "stereotypes" down to a T: Very difficult childhood, socially awkward, bullied, disruptive in class, not capable of focusing on schoolwork, very few long term friends, in & out of psychologist's office, a Pariah to everyone in my life - family, teachers, classmates, irritatingly focused on narrow interests - trains, ships, bridges, buildings, geology, geography, history, music, art - all at the cost of completing schoolwork. Oh yeah, insanely photographic memory, gifted at math, literally, didn't even have to be taught algebra, geometry, calculus - all that I could do effortlessly, but not hold a conversation of small talk at a party. But somehow, I managed to cope well enough w/society to go to college, my parents were so Dysfunctional & treated me so abusively I knew I HAD to strike out on my own at age 17, could not tolerate being with them another minute of my life, once on my own things improved a lot, plenty of painful learning experiences trying to live w/dorm mates, room mates, etc, but eventually figured life out enuff to get multiple degrees & licenses in Civil Engineering, land a job w/a State DOT agency designing highways, lived on my own, bought a house, advanced up the career ladder to Project Engineer then Project Manager (I was literally born for my career, literally, "Predestination"), had a few relationships, married for 8 years, didn't work out, never had kids, by the time I "discovered" my "way of being" I was 2+ decades into my career, pretty successful, divorced but in another relationship, had a pretty good social circle of friends. Your video is prompting me to go back & remember how I "came out" once I figured out my "way of being" Now here is some controversy: Even after 17 years, I STILL don't have an "official diagnosis" - there are many reasons - first off, I am simply Absolutely Sure I'm Autistic, just having lived my life experiences, knowing what I'm interested in, how I behave, my career, taking all the surveys, etc - some things, like sensitivity to overstimulation, were things I realized I had, but never had thought about. Secondly, when I did seek therapy, most of the groups said "we only take on children", the few that would handle adults said "well, unless you have a "disability" situation, ie, being discriminated against at work, or needing special accommodation at work, then we don't have the time for you". Third, once the Sandy Hook mass shooting happened in Dec 2012 (10th anniversary the other day), which is in my home state (CT, USA), EVERYONE started saying "It's a Mental Health Issue! Take All the Guns Away from Anyone With Asperger Syndrome!" (because the shooter was diagnosed as such), so me, being a firearms enthusiast as part of my interests in history, would have no part in ever seeking an official diagnosis ever again. So anyhow, I was pretty outspoken & didn't care who I told. I immediately realized that I was literally surrounded by folks "on the spectrum" at my job (I worked mostly with other engineers on designing & managing projects, & I started seeing the "traits" in just about everyone I worked with), & my social circle (most everyone I was friends with was because of some special interests - historical gaming, music, art, bicycling, etc, & again, I saw "traits" in just about everyone. Most folks took it lightly, laughed about it, I did encounter quite a few folks who were obviously "on the spectrum" but ashamed / embarrassed about it, didn't want to talk about it or acknowledge it. So yeah, then it came to my parents. I'd been semi-estranged from them since I went to college at Age 17, had moved 6 hours drive away, only visited for a day or 2 every couple months, on & off, for decades. Didn't share much of my life w/them, as both of them disapproved, I never lived up to the Predestined life they had in mind for me. It was tougher because I was an only child, not by their choice, my Mom had Birthing Difficulties, 3 late term miscarriages when I was Ages 2, 3, & 5. So they wrapped all their hopes & dreams around me, a Disturbingly Dysfunctional offspring, who had brought them nothing but Embarrassment & Humiliation in front of their friends & family my entire childhood. Dad wanted an athlete, as he had been, but lost interest once it was obvious I had less than zero talent at hitting a baseball, throwing / catching a baseball / football. I played Soccer, but to Dad = "Not A Real Sport" / "For Kids Who Failed At Playing A Real Sport" (yeah, typical 'Murican lol). Mom, whose father had been disinherited from a wealthy family for marrying below his social class, so she had to grow up poor in the Depression /WW2, she was singularly focused on me growing up to be some sort of "Big Shot" lawyer, corporate CEO, mover & shaker - law degree or MBA from Villanova, corporate lawyer job, country club membership, trophy blue blood wife, 2.5 perfect children, chemlawn mcmansion in the 'burbs, church deacon, rotary club president, dashing in a 3 piece suit, MAKE LOTS OF MONEY & BE WEALTHY & HAVE HIGH STATUS!!!!!! To her, my Engineering career was too "blue collar", didn't "get it" at all. Also, working for the Gov't - ugh! Just . . . No - "when are you gonna get a Real job?" So yeah, my "coming out" to parents happened on my next visit, at breakfast, figured I had their attention. Mom at first showed me an article from Time Magazine she'd kept around from like a year ago, about how Silicon Valley couples were having "Fully Autistic" children at a far higher rate than the general populence, & then the "connection" to "Asperger's Syndrome" began to be made. So yeah, she already knew. But even so, she was STILL in denial about it, blamed the "Liberal Jewish teachers & other kid's parents for warping your mind" (yes, the few friends I did have were Jewish, & the Jewish teachers & parents were the only people ever in my childhood to treat me w/dignity & respect - in fact I owe my success to that little bit of mentoring I got). Mind you, this was by ~2012, when Greatest Gen folks like my parents had been listening to AM talk radio for a few years, were fully steeped in the "Birther" thing - "Obama is the Antichrist!", yata yata. On board the MAGA train, even tho it hadn't left the station. I even tried apologizing to them, for all the hardship I'd put them thru, all the grief, embarrassment, humiliation. I wanted them to know I was happy with my life, & did not hold anything against them for the Abusive treatment they meted out (Mom used to hit me w/the back of her hand across my face every time she got bad news from the school about me), I understood why it was difficult for them to deal w/me. So, never really "got thru" to either parent, Mom passed away in 2014, never would ever talk about it again, whenever I tried to bring it up, she'd wave her hand, look away. Dad eventually totally disowned me during the 2016 election runup, when I refused to join him on the MAGA train. Sad. I will say, much of my parent's issues have to do w/the Stigma associated w/Mental Illness in their generation (born circa 1930). The genetic component means that it's their "fault" I have a "Disorder" for which there is no "Cure", in their minds. Yup, can't choose your family. Sad to say. But otherwise, I have no issue telling anyone. Am married to my 2nd wife for 11 years, I told her all about my "condition' from Day 1, she still sometimes doesn't fully "get me", especially when it comes to my "triggers", like TV cable news, which is so full of lies & bullshit it simply drives me off a cliff (& it doesn't matter, right or left wing, both are just as bad to me). One thing I will add - I know it's now Unacceptable to use the term "Asperger Syndrome" due to the Dr's association w/the 3rd Reich (I agree), & now it's also apparently unacceptable to use the term "High Functioning", which I prefer. "Autism is Autism" the "community" screams. But to me, there is indeed a distinction. I have a couple friends with "fully" autistic children (they are ones who I see as being "on the spectrum" but in denial, like my parents, ashamed of the genetic component), their children, although now in their 20's, will never, despite a lifetime of intensive therapy, be able to live independently, hold down a job, drive a car, or even take a bus/train. They will need "Adult" supervision their entire lives. Yet here I am, pretty well adjusted, having a successful education & career designing & managing some very large, complicated projects (in the $100's of millions), having 6 relationships, 2 of them marriages, a circle of friends, yata yata. Sure, I share many of the same "issues", but not to that severe of a degree. I would say, restricting the label of "Autism", & that's it, to both them, & me, is at the very least pretty confusing to the "lay person" not familiar with it. I will use "on the spectrum". I will Emphatically NEVER use the term "ASD" - "Autism Spectrum Disorder" - I REFUSE to label myself with a "Disorder" - no, I have a "way of being", not something "Wrong" for which a "Cure" is needed. Sorry for this being so long, you all know how that goes. "End A Conversation!" lol
read the whole thing. Thanks, it's always good to know so's life history and learn sth about it. Sorry for your parents, but you seem to not be affected as much nowadays. I have loving parents, but still know the pain of dealing with stupid people. I also don't agree with the autism unification, there's a big big difference between formerly called aspergers and severe autists.
@@nicolascalegario8835 Thanx. I leave my life story in the hopes it might help others. Certainly a different experience nowadays, "knowing" about your "way of being", I went 44 years wondering what planet I was really meant to live on lol. The "parents" thing is generational (me born 1960, then circa 1930) as well as cultural (they = blue collar, 10th grade educations, devoutly religious), so I don't take it personally. As for the "Autism is Autism" thing, I do agree it is the same "condition / way of being / "brain wiring", it's just a matter of "Degree", thus I agree w/the concept of "Spectrum". Just as there are many forms / degrees of severity of other "disorders" / "diseases". (ex: I have "mild" asthma. My wife has "severe" asthma w/COPD. Her life struggles are magnitudes greater than mine).
@Bob, Aside from a few traumatic experiences you've described, i see myself thoughout your life history. It was worth the read. Plus: Hi, from Southeast Connecticut. 😁
Min daughter told me that she may be autistic.She told me that it is so reliving to know that there can be a reason why she has been struggling so much with her life. Somehow, I feel that it is also reliving for me. I has been trying so hard to understand what I have done as a parent to make her so unhappy. I think that now we can build a completely new relationship without blaming each other for our past. I love her so much. I am so grateful to all of you for teaching me what is autisim. I am sure I will be able to understand my child (children) better. Thereis also a chance that I will also understand myself better.
As always, another fantastic video. I personally regret telling co-workers about my autism. It's because by intention was to have them make minor changes that would help me in stressful situations, mainly during mandatory meetings. For exemple : that they avoid wearing perfume and not sit too close to me. Well, my expectations were way off. Nobody adapted. They just take it personally and feel rejected. The question I got was " Were you officially diagnosed?". Since I am self-diagnosed, they just invalidated me. They think I'm too blunt, non-social and too much of a stickler to the rules or just an inflexible person that worry too much about details. I see myself as masking and adapting ALL THE TIME for them. So, it didn't help me at all. There was one co-worker who was very supportive and it is because his daughter is autistic. I thought that because I work in the education system, people would be more sensitive to my issues or at least more knowledgeable, but no. So, in certain work environments, it might be better to just say that you're allergic to perfume, that you are very tired that day, that rules are important for the welfare of all, etc. That kind of verbiage will be better accepted (but few people will accommodate you anyway). 😀
It really depends on the work environment. I never announced it to anyone but I was asked it by someone who saw the signs in me. My work is more Blue collar so social interactions are less important but in White collar work spending hours socializing it depends on you and it may or may not benefit you.
@Lenneeful Having retired before self-diagnosing, I might have risked disclosing to a co-worker who was a source of emotional support as I was to them. But as for bluntness, non-socializing, stickler to the rules, exhaustively detail oriented, and accommodating my other co-workers and management, it sounds like our brains are wired much the same.
I didn’t even know I was on the spectrum and until I started following this channel I am a older African American male and I’ve had horror stories coming out with my autism including employers coworkers healthcare providers and most people are not autistic friendly.
As always - so much wisdom and kindness - thank you, Paul. And if I could make a request: I realize you are extremely uncomfortable ending videos, but the gawkiness and the way you admit how difficult it is for you are very endearing and kind of invite the rest of us to be more accepting of those things that are hard for each of us to do. So, my request is - please don't get too much better at ending videos, they have become a very heart-warming part of your videos that I especially like.
I agree: When Paul leaves the awkward bits in the video (Come on, Words, Don't get stuck), it makes me feel more comfortable about my own Brainstuck moments. @Paul: Stay Relatable! 🤗 We're right there with you!
You have an excellent presentation opening and closing your videos, and everything in between. You probably don't realize the impact you have. Don't change anything!
I was just diagnosed yesterday (at age 43!) and this was the most perfect video for me to listen to right now. Love you so much for this and all your videos. I was actually considering to carry the official diagnosis letter with me so that as soon as friends or family start to question I can offer them to read it. Don't know if thats too aggressive or something (-; But I feel similar to you where I want to shout it to everyone so they can know... "Ok that's why he always seemed a bit peculiar"
I found out at 67 years old, not knowing what’s wrong sucked. I thought I was alone. I'm now very comfortable being autistic. I's nice to have an owner’s manual for my brain, I understand me a lot better. Because of this, my masking methods have improved quite a bit. But I really don’t care if people know. If I had a choice, autism with my gifts, or neurotypical, I’d choose the first. God does not make mistakes.
My son was diagnosed 8 years ago and back then I questioned myself whether he has it from me but threw out that thought because I believed it can't be as I'm really good at reading facial expressions. A couple of months ago my trusty counsellor asked out of the blue if I had ever been tested because she noticed some clear symptoms. I was stunned and my whole life flashed in front of my eyes, all those situations that would make so much sense with this diagnosis. So yeah, turns out she was right. I wish the public was more informed about what the spectrum looks like and everyone who needs it has the opportunity to get a diagnosis and proper support.
In a similar manner, I find it intriguing how swiftly I disclose my sexual orientation to others-being gay. I do so to dispel any immediate assumptions of heterosexuality, which can be quite annoying. Surprisingly, I face more discrimination when I mention my ADHD, prompting me to keep that aspect of myself hidden for the time being. Superb videos, Paul. Glad I'm subscribed to you. Keep them coming. 👍
Self diagnosed a few weeks ago (in part thanks to your awesome videos!) autistic + inattentive ADHD. Told immediate family first. Husband: to me you’re just Misha. Brother: don’t let this be label that limits you. Dad: at first he was a little confused because he has some of the same traits, but after he saw what I later posted on FB (coming out to my friends) he called and we had a long chat about our similar experiences and discoveries. Friends: in response to the FB post (which I started with a TL;DR) I received an overwhelmingly positive response. Not a single person said “I didn’t/don’t see it“ nor did anyone say “I knew it all along“. Just a lot of really positive messages and support and I was frankly pleasantly surprised.
@@avocado405 You have a valid point. But also, I’m not responsible for how other people think or what they think of me. I have to just let that go. If they’ve been talking about me at work, they’ve had 25 years to do it. I show up every day and do my best and I know that it is noticed by at least some of management. Those that don’t “get me“ maybe never will, with or without knowing I’m autistic. But MAYBE by me coming forward and being open about what I’ve learned I can create a learning experience for those that are closed minded and have a limited understanding of autism. Perhaps if more of us are more transparent in our lives and discuss it more openly we can break down the stereotypes.
Thank you so much for doing this video. I have recently told someone about my autism. I am 64 years old (masking all my life). It was the first time I was telling someone. I was taking a chance. It was not a positive experience. So, I am sending him this video as a link on his Facebook. Thank you again. I think you are great.
I don't usually tell anyone unless I think they really should know; one friend and one doctor, and I regret telling the doctor! Instead I usually explain things with the symptom rather than the actual cause, eg, 'I have discalculia' or 'I get panicky if I can't find the exit'. Some people will just think I'm weird anyway, or thick, for some reason, as I sometimes find verbal communication really difficult if it goes off my masking script. It used to really hurt, but now I know who I am it hardly bothers me now and I reckon it's their problem anyway, lol. :)
I'm a 54 year old guy from UK, can you imagine the loneliness of being on the spectrum, almost deaf and completly alone through life, it's soul destroying.
@highplainsdrifter699 I can't imagine. I can empathize, though. And i wish it were easier for you. I'm 52, on the spectrum, but high masking. I've lost a lot of hearing in one ear and started learning ASL (American Sign Language), but it makes me feel left out in conversations. Hope you can find your tribe, or at least a couple folks you can hang out with soon. If i were there we could go have tea! ☕
@@highplainsdrifter699I'm in Austin, Texas and have found SO many humans like me!😊 Maybe try some meetups? But sure if you have those in your area. Pick an interest and then go meet people into that same thing. It's still not easy, but it's a start. Maybe learn sign with a group? I feel like it's something very useful and we will all need it at some point.
@@highplainsdrifter699I live in Austin, Texas and I've found quite a few people who are my tribe. I go to meetups about things I'm interested in. Perhaps you have something similar where you are?
The « Just do it » right next to the Nike sign on your jumper made me giggle. Thank you for this very enlightening video. I found your work while researching info - I believe I’m autistic as well. It was suggested to me by a psychiatrist a few weeks ago. I told my parents with whom I’m extremely close and whose reaction scared the hell out of me, and they just said « Wow, that actually makes a lot of sense ». And we’ve all been doing more research since and find it extremely liberating for everyone. Imagine my relief ! I’m more cautious about telling people outside my family though … afraid of getting hurt somehow. But that can wait as I have my little support group already ♥️ Cheers from France !
I made the mistake of bringing it up during an escalating disagreement. I was trying to explain the preference for identifying as being autistic vs having autism, and things got out of hand. It started off as a generalized topic, but I was getting more and more upset. When they demanded to know why I was getting so agitated, it just slipped out. There was immediate pushback, and then I left the room in tears. The next day, we acknowledged the argument (things devolved into shouting before I stormed off), and then we shelved the topic. Months later, I asked to talk about it again. There was no argument that time, but they still weren't receptive, and it compounded the hurt. It sucks that they don't believe me, but I've come to terms with it. Their opinion has always meant a lot to me, so I'm still hoping one day they'll come around. Unfortunately, I don't think I've ever been as important to them as they are to me. I'm in the high masking group with comorbid ADHD and anxiety, and I think I just fall outside of their perceptions of autism. Fortunately, they aren't the only person I've shared with and things have gone better with everyone else. The first two people I told didn't bat an eyelash. The third treated it as an interesting new detail about me. I told one of my younger sisters a couple months ago, and I was shocked by how receptive she was. Instead of pushback or dismissal, she asked if it was part of why I always felt so different from everyone else growing up. Her response really touched me and it helped heal some of the pain over the one bad interaction. Don't assume one bad reception means they'll all be bad. If they are, I highly recommend looking for other autistics in your area. My entire book club is neurodivergent and queer, and I've never had an easier time making friends. When I go to gatherings with them, I leave feeling energized instead of exhausted. Being able to socialize without masking is a game changer, and I'm so grateful for my friends.
I don’t tell anyone about it. Ever. I don’t want people to think less of me or think I’m weird because they don’t know what autism means and I can’t be bothered explaining it all the time. I was diagnosed at a very young age so my family knew I had it before me.
There’s a difference between announcing it and being asked it. If asked it you should try to determine the knowledge that person has of ASD. I don’t want to lie but I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I am teased/hazed about it.
@@dambigfoot6844 The world is generally hostile to autistics, and the majority of experiences prove this view correct. Not everyone wants or needs to disclose. While it's not something I would endorse to everyone, I can understand why OP would choose to stay hidden.
Thank you for this. I'm almost 71 and just discovering a whole bunch of "whys" that I have been questioning myself about all my life. I also suffered early childhood neglect and trauma. So much is beginning to make sense. This realization is still really churning aroud inside me. I have been isolating for years. I honestly never believed I had a chance at at tribe. But as I watch and listen to you I could be you. Sheesh. Lots more to think about.
I just told close family when I was in discovery mode, but once I was certain and had professional confirmation I shouted it from the rooftops too - pretty long post on Facebook :D I think it helped that my social circle is only close, supportive friends. I'd been open over the years about physical and mental health struggles so to have this piece of information that explained so much I had to share. I made it clear it was a positive thing and a relief and I was proud so they could calibrate their responses to where I was at. The main reaction was like "I wouldn't have realised, but actually that makes sense". Then I had a few friends who said they'd been wondering themselves so I pointed them to screening tools and they ended up realising they're not. I have friends I'm pretty sure are but they haven't brought it up (yet). With people I don't know well I do that partial disclosure too - say I'm not good with faces, I am detail-oriented, I find change hard etc. It's a nice strategy that people seem to respond to well. With some health professionals I disclose even when it's not necessary just to help them broaden their understanding. I like that you didn't edit out your word stumbling, very relatable.
The first person I told was a horrible idea. How quickly one video, trying to share what I am still struggling to understand, was weaponized in one day. Was eye-opening to put it mildly. The second and only person I ‘told’ I knew I could approach it with our shared love of comedy. So I sent her link along with this exact text, ‘I have never been so bull-s$&t to ace a test in my life.’ And immediately she responded by sending laughing emojis while she called me directly. I will always regret ever saying a word to the first person. However telling my friend, in the one language I still had, I will NEVER regret. As her kindness made the hurt from that first reach-out, no less painful. But- It has helped me to let go of one person’s hurtful choice and still be okay. 💯
Watching this, and reading comments from others makes me realise and appreciate how lucky I am, to have been able to 'come out' safely and without any push back. I started telling people as soon as my referral for assessment was accepted, nevermind waiting for formal diagnosis 😂 I work in the field of autism, and have 2 sisters who were diagnosed before me, so I am fortunate that almost everyone around me has some understanding of autism. One of my lovely colleagues gave me a heads up the other day that she had rearranged part of our office, as she knew this unexpected change might bother me, and that being warned of things in advance helps me. It has been a very liberating experience. I hope that one day we live in a world where everyone can safely share who they are .
Second time watching this. Struggling today with considering coming out since I know I still feel my own stigma (based on lifelong self-worth issues). Just a nice feeling to have you discuss it so rationally.
Glad you didn't have to defend yourself. You're one of the lucky few. Only 1 person has been supportive of me. I'm so tired of feeling invalidated. I've been dealing with the same crap for 30 years about my Fibromyalgia diagnosis.
This video helped me so much. I am currently in the discovery phase of finding out I am Autistic and have not yet ventured into the territory of telling anyone aside from my wife and therapist. Thank you for making this and for being so thorough and thoughtful
Oh dear, I wish I had seen this video before I told my psychiatrist today that I'm going ahead with an assessment for adult autism at a private clinic! It never crossed her mind that I may be on the spectrum because I appear too "normal" (which is a problem in itself). Initially I wanted to keep it to myself but felt that I had to tell her and now she's worried I'm doing something that might cause more harm than good. I understand her concerns but I have to quietly follow my instincts on this and I'm tired of being dismissed as "imagining things".
I was so relieved to get confirmation of my condition. My unusual (probably) approach meant that I was fascinated to realise all the traits that I have lived with for 60 years now. My best friend has played down my discoveries, I think because she doesn't want to think of me being" not quite right". The day I got my diagnosis I made a badge declaring it. My own design. So no, I'm not afraid or ashamed of it. I'm about to tell someone I recently broke up with. Wish me luck. It's my way of completing the story.
Some people have a way with words, others have not way. That’s why I’ve learnt several foreign languages, esoterics, astrology, art of speech and so on. I have no way with words. Thank you Paul. 😁
Lol: Sometimes I excuse myself in conversation for being "multilingual" when my words get scrambled before I can remember what I was about to say. Really, I am multilingual -- conversational French, some Spanish, and just enough American Sign Lauguage to get by, plus i enjoy learning how to say Thank You in as many languages as i encnounter --but I finally discovered it's Because Autism that I lose words and tend to build my sentences inside out and backward. I should probably stop commenting and replying for tonight, lest RUclips suspects me of spamming and decides to ground me for a bit. 😝
That Steve Martin/Mark Twain quote is gold! 😂 I need to memorize that. I have always used reference to my quirks “I can’t handle fluorescent lights because they flicker”, “I struggle to listen to you talking when the TV/radio/stereo is on in the background” etc etc etc… (there’s a lot!) long before I found out I was autistic so post-diagnosis I figured I’d just stick with those kinds of explanations as the only people who really understand what “I’m autistic” really means are those who are autistic themselves, or suspect they are, or who are very close to someone who is autistic. Nobody else will have a clue. I know that because I embarrassingly didn’t have a clue before it became relevant to me either!
I love that Paul,, "I have not way with words much"... I TOTALLY relate to that... I sometimes can't even believe the way words come out of my mouth! 🙂 People that know me think I'm "funny" sometimes. I'm not actually trying to be funny. Your videos are so very helpful and informative to me as a 66 year old American female who has not "put it together" until much later in my life that I am "neurodivergent", but I ALWAYS knew that I was definitely "different" than ANYONE else. It's been a hard life for me, but I'm not complaining, it's just been more difficult to sort through things and making decisions, but now I finally "get it". I can't regret that I didn't know more when I was younger, that would only keep me sad and grief-stricken about "losing my life" and everything traumatic that happened to me because I'm the way I am. I actually LIKE the fact that I am NOT "like other people". I find that I mostly resonate with people who have "struggled" with life , but have grown from it and are Kind. I don't do well with mean, horrid people. Thank you for what you're doing Paul.
It’s really sad that people can’t just be who they are, that they have to “come out” at all. I’ve told a few people I trust that “U think I’m on the spectrum”. I received a couple of “hmm, that makes sense” responses and a few “No way! You can’t be AUTISTIC” Sigh.
I laughed out loud and pretty heartily when you said that bit about "try not telling your partner" because my partner is the person who first told me I was likely to be autistic. As far as coming out as autistic is concerned, I guess I practice a kind of radical self acceptance of being autistic. For me, to do otherwise, means I could be propelled into a state that may result in an outburst or a meltdown. If I begin acting strangely in the eyes of a neurotypical and it causes them obvious distress (I just laughed again because I am also alexithymic and other people's distress isn't always obvious to me) and if they don't know, I just tell them. It isn't fair of me to cause discomfort in others for a reason they don't know and them knowing why I am stimming or freaking out may help them understand and then deal with what is happening with me. Otherwise, unless it is medically related or could mean losing my job, I don't say anything. I don't see any reason to offer that information if it isn't effecting other people.
Mother outted me in front of my partner (whom i was going to tell because we share everything) in a very nonchalant way because she figured i had already said something. She said something like 'wow, i understand you so much better now that i know about the autism.' i observed my partner look at me through my peripheral so i looked back and he rubbed my head. Of course, i just cozied into his armpit and that was that. He cared before and nothing has changed so i don't feel the need to talk about it because i feel like it would only give reason for my partner to watch for symptoms or signs. We are happy and both of us are pretty dang weird. So.... If it ain't broke....why rock the boat.
Cynthia, think in all those adults dating another adult of the same gender, and still the parents will not accept their homosexuality. Again, because they have negativr prejudices about it.
I am extremely recently self-diagnosed, and profoundly, pervasively convinced of this reality. I need not press the point here, as those inhabiting this space will understand, so it is enough to say that it explains, and changes, nearly everything. I would like to share with you the perhaps impulsive way I did this, though I note, Paul, it's nearly identical to what you did. I want to add that I did this "my way" before I realized this was how you did it (yes, even though I watched and commented on this video two weeks ago, but somehow it didn't register with me that you did a "splash" kind of open-air announcement to the world). And now what you're saying about your "announcement" resonates wonderfully what I did. I absolutely agree that this isn't the way everybody should do it, but if somebody is in that "safe" place in life and longs to make this aspect of himself/herself understood then, yes, it is greatly liberating. What I did was, I made it an incremental weeklong revelation on Facebook, for my "intimate" circle of about 900 friends, by means of one post a day gradually unfolding various aspects of myself in a systematic way, category by category: my "quirks" and habits (that I know they have all noticed); my more invisible particularities, like shutdowns, aversions, masking and others; my "superpowers" and my areas of nearly complete incapacity (the phenomenon of "understanding things nobody else does and not understanding things everybody else does"), etc. Along the way I did, yes, tell them, "You've likely noticed my posts are unusual this week and seem to be leading somewhere. Yes, they are, and it's somewhere good. I'll get to The Point on _______" and I set a specific day for that. Some friends were beginning to express concern, suggesting things like PTSD (for good reason, in connection with the war in Ukraine). Others wanted, understandably, to chuckle it away with comments like "We're all quirky." All of this I understood. People get nervous and scared. Finally I unveiled "The Point," without unnecessary drama and clearly communicating how GREAT a thing this was for me to finally see, how it changed, on one level, everything, yet on another changes nothing at all. The response was mostly positive. Interestingly, nobody who's really known me for 25+ years, or even my whole life, ever said, "No, that's impossible." I even heard "Yes, that does make sense." My gut sense is, they, I, we all knew something was up. The only strong, even fierce pushback I got, to the effect, "No way, you're too smart, too well-spoken, too intelligent," etc., came from a FB friend I've enver met face-to-face and whose only interactions with me, for about 5 years, have been in writing. You know, just the revelation of the past two weeks alone were sufficient to ramp up my capacity for responding well to this man. I told him I appreciated his estimation of me, and I understood why he felt that way, but that I was pervasively convinced of this and it wasn't something I had an actual need to prove to anybody. If I weren't 65, but say 25 or 40, I might have done this differently. But at 65 my time is significantly less to slow-walk this. It just needed to be said, all at once (or over the course of a week 😏) so I can get on with life on this better basis. No secrets.
I just recently discovered that I have autism and I've been really hung up on telling my in-laws who my husband and I live with. Now after watching this video I feel alot better about the situation. Thank you so much for all your videos, they're super helpful!
Good practical tips, cheers Paul! And I love that wall. The most typical (and infuriating) response I get is "ah, we're all a bit on the spectrum aren't we?" I'm sure people aren't deliberately trying to invalidate or minimise one's experience but that's unfortunately how it feels.
"We're all a little on the spectrum" quite nearly equates to "But you're too normal to be autistic." Some may think they're trying to reassure and comfort you, yet others will outright reject the thought, probably because they're afraid -- stereotypes, stigma, genetics, there's no "cure," The Unknown, etc. Edit: Oops? Did I put this part on the wrong thread? I hope it will help someone nonetheless >> Your brother may well be scared and too afraid to admit he doesn't know enough about it to know what to think of your discovery. Instead of feeling hurt, let him have some time to process this news. If he gets curious enough, he might research it, learn something, and become less fearful. "Knowledge is Power." 📖❤️
I just diagnosed this year. It's hard to tell people because they automatically dismiss it. I was taught to mask and be "ladylike" my WHOLE childhood. Literally trained to look normal. But those are all learned behaviors. How I process and interact with the world is very different. That's what people don't understand.
I only told the people closest to me. Most people have no idea what it is and will never do the research to understand. My spouse still considers it "mental issues". A cousin widened their eyes and were like, "oh my"....In my case, letting work know helped because I knew my supervisor would listen and there were accommodations available and understanding for mental health days. I talk to my therapist and psychiatrist. I also talk about it with my sister because she has a child who was diagnosed and she understands. Also, I dont tell people because sometimes I think people will want to attribute something I do to autism. They already know something is not "normal" and that's enough. I personally know how (and why) to avoid triggers and politely decline situations when I am tired and burnt out. The kids and spouse know that certain noises (wild smacking of food) are a "no no" and sometimes I need quiet and alone time.
Tmac your comment powerfully resonated with me. There are few people in my life that have any idea or would invest time in learning more about Autism in order to better communicate with one another. So many snap judgments or dismissal when dialogue is even opened.
Thank you Paul. This was helpful. As usual. One of the positive features of the autism spectrum is that - at least for some of us - we tend to build up a clear-to-read methodology. As you just did for this video to explain the step-to-step way to approach this subject. And that is why I found it very helpful. Then... "Good luck not telling your partner!" LOL!!! I was in tears for laughter! About words not coming out : I am a native Italian, living in France, using quite regularly English and Spanish and... When a word does not come out for me, it does so in all of these languages! I feel totally stuck and cannot move on into teh conversation! It is as if the whole world went blank. It is such a confusing experience! But, again, there's worse to life than this... Cheers - Marco PS : during the video, there is a bizarre "colour flickering" on your person and the background. I might not have been the only one noticing that, I know. And anyway, this visual detail does not take away any of the quality to your work.
When I told my mom I was evaluated she thought it was silly. She said “that’s ridiculous” and walked off. Leaving it at that. So a few weeks later I got my diagnosis and all the results from allllll the testing they did, I went to my moms and I told her about it. I said “I know you think it’s ridiculous but, mom it’s really me. For the first time in my life everything I’ve struggled with makes sense to me” and my mom said she knows. And I said “I thought you said it was ridiculous?” And she told me she did. But then she did some research of her own and realized that I was right. It does describe me. And she told me a story about how when I was 5 or 6 a teacher I had had asked if I could be evaluated for Asperger’s Syndrome and they had said no. She didn’t realize that Asperger’s and autism are now the same thing. It was a really good moment between my mom and I.
"Why are words not working?" This happens to me so much of the time! For me any language is like a different language. I think in pictures. Using any words is always a translation for me. Thanks for you videos. I really appreciate what you're doing.
72 yes, retired. Been noticing my regressive bad behavior around friends, ignoring, not rude more than I need to, isolation. For my wife's sake I try hard to maintain masking, especially home. She has, unwittingly, adjusted to my strict routines and ways. Have meltdowns because her violating it. I need to do something for her & sake of others. Understanding my 2 self diagnosis is great help, one for adult h one for childhood. My parents knew something was wrong but no help. I was institutionalized in high school. Autism diagnostic unknown in those days. My entire life a series of high masking and crisis meltdowns. My family suffered. My sister acted as if I was savant, she was my biggest fan. So much signs as boy. Siblings suffered, now I know it was my fault. I just want closure to explain. Thank you for your efforts to teach about autism, I really need it. No sense spend money on professionals, I have more than enough experience to know better. Autistic community provides a nice feeling of support.
Paul, thankyou so much for your videos. They are so incredibly valuable! It was thanks to you I first started suspecting my autism and your videos have always been a wonderful support and guidance through my many doubts and questions.
I got push back from my parents, honestly I don't care as we dont have a particularly strong relationship anyway. The few friends I've told have been understanding and some said they had suspected it for a while and where not surprised. I'd love to tell everyone but don't have the spoons to deal with all the questions and nay sayers, I'm just going to be me and cherry pick who I tell. This is a fantastic video Paul, thank you so much for sharing and all the work you put into the channel, sending you a virtual man hug. 🙏
I'm over the hill and realized about 2 months ago why i am the way i am. The more i learn, from videos like yours, the more i feel free to be me. Thank you for what you do.
I didn't have to tell my ex that I was autistic, because he was the one who told ME that I was autistic (which I don't think is the right thing to do). And, because I didn't know much about autism at the time (and I figured that perhaps he viewed it in a negative way), I got upset at him. Then after a few months I decided to start researching about it (because one of my supervisors at work told me that she was pretty sure that I am autistic), and I was glad to discover my autism. It was the puzzle piece that I had been searching for for years! Being diagnosed with 5 different disorders still didn't explain half of my thinking.
I myself was diagnosed as a late teen with autism, and it was only picked up because of a related eating disorder. When I moved to college I moved in with a girl who clearly displayed all the hallmarks of autism. However, i never said it to her. Not in our three years of living together. I often wonder if I made the right decision, but judging from your comment perhaps I was right?
@@anniem2777 Yeah, I suspect the same thing about my best friend (pretty much my ONLY friend). But I also know that it probably isn't up to me to say it to her. I was quite upset when my ex asked me if I was autistic, because I didn't really consider it before (until about a year ago). I was offended at first because I didn't really know what autism was, and I wasn't sure of HE knew what it was either; so I was upset because I wondered what his perception was of me. A lot of people view autism in a negative way, so I thought that maybe he did too. I had to ask him what made him think that, and I asked him how he perceives me then. Did he want to be with me, if that was the case? I argued against him, because it felt like a personal invasion, in telling me who I was. I was like, "If I was autistic, wouldn't I know it by now?" So it upset me. Then my supervisor at my last job said the same thing, and she told me that she was on the spectrum. So I researched it obsessively everyday for about 3 months, and sure enough, I had about 25 to 30 autistic traits. But am I ever glad that I discovered it, because I had an identity crisis from masking everyday and didn't know who I was anymore, and was even told by neurotypicals what I want in life. They still try to tell me, "No, you don't want that, you want THIS!" And I am just like, "Thank you. Because I must be so inadequate that I can't decide what I want for myself!" It's like telling someone that you feel a certain emotion, and them being like, "No you don't feel that, you feel THIS". As if I'm not even capable of knowing what I am feeling when I experience really strong emotions. I either experience an emotion incredibly strong (where it's obvious that I feel hurt), or else the opposite, where I'm not sure if I am feeling depressed or just okay.
Trust me I tried to explain this to my partner that I think I'm autistic and trust me it was a difficult conversation and took a while for them to understand and accept it because we had communication difficulties and she thought that I was a narcissist when quite literally I'm not trust me I've studied narcissism cluster b personality disorders psychopathy sociopathy just to make sure that I could not be biased in my examination and to make sure that I really was and I am. What sucks is that when your autistic or on the spectrum it hurts when people don't understand that you think differently and then they try to push their own views or what they see on to you and they don't realize that you just mentally and cognitively do not think in the same Manor it's very sad. If you're autistic and you're with somebody who is Nero typical you will have some challenges at times I had studied psychology philosophy sociopathy psychopathy narcissistic personality disorder and all kinds of cluster b personality disorders all to learn what I am
One thing I find about autistic people is that they’re extremely worried they’re narcissists… which is a telltale sign they are not a narcissist, because narcissists don’t care if they are narcissists, they just feel entitled to act like jerks 😂
I always thought my Mom was a narcissist... then when I realized I was autistic and SHE was autistic - it allllll made sense. She still drives me crazy though. But I now know she's not saying these hurtful things out of the blue to hurt me.
After I learned that I'm autistic, I - of course - told my wife. Her reaction: "Tell me something I didn't know yet!". And that was it. She was aware of it since we got married and it never was a problem. The reaction of other people wasn't quite that nice. But I never cared. Most people don't know what autism is. Some of my friends didn't know how to react. And then of course there was a number I never heard of again after I told them (who cares ...). But I still have some friends left. After all, it's part of my identity and it is good the way it is.
Bless you for sharing your experience. I studied a LOT of things for a LONG time. Now I know how I am and have learned that some people will never understand or accept, but some will and so I am trying to focus on having those accepting people in my life, but I'm sorry to say a lot have gone by the wayside. I'm SO neurodivergent and I'm still learning about it and I still stumble around. Nobody's perfect. All the best to you in your journey.
Diagnosed as a child, I learned to cope with it over time, where I didn't have to take medication anymore. I thought I had it under control. I felt "normal," keeping it a secret from friends and employers. Unfortunately, I didn't disclose this with my wife together for 7 years, married for 2. Somewhere down the line, I screwed up so many times, emotionally and physically detached from my wife at times. I didn't realise that I was destroying my marriage. I caused my wife to have so much pain and confusion, and my sympathy for her was so delayed that by the time I realized that I was destroying my marriage, it was too late. She announced that she wanted a divorce and she was no longer in love with me. I'm still going through the divorce procedures and come to find out she's been talking to another man for the last year and had divorce plans all along.
You are a blessing and so helpful. Thank you for your talks. I especially can relate to the loss of words that seem to hide in my brain closet, at the wrong time.😳Also, when you had a talk about writing issues. Responding to emails; It helped so much in my journey, I discovered I may very well have had, a type Language disorder. I free a kind of relief that after all these years there was a reason for my difficulties.👍Thank You.🤗
My ex of about 8 years was the first person I ever told that I thought I was autistic - she immediately dismissed the idea and I believed her; now 8 years later I'm travelling down the same path to self discovery. Still undiagnosed but your (and others) videos have made me so much more understanding of my own emotions and "oddities", especially when it comes to relationships - thank you Paul for your excellent videos
Thank you so much for this helpful video! I loved your tip to “be kind” and also to not try to force others to go on the same self-discovery journey that I’ve been on recently. I think maybe that’s an ASD trait??? I learn something, get fired-up about it and then I want others to learn the same way/thing that I’ve learned. I’m a teacher, so it’s great for teaching, but doesn’t carry over into social relationships very well. Again, great video!
Thank you so much for explaining how to choose the right time to talk to people. I really struggle finding the right moments to discuss something like this.
I had a crushing experience when I attempted to disclose to a friend. Now I focus on these videos (from high functioning/masking like minded people) to learn more about myself and how to take care of me. I’m happy to stay within this safe space I’ve created for myself….for now.
Thanks for another great video! I love your content. It is compassionate and informative and really helps me on my own road of self discovery. Also "Come on words...Why... are words...not... working" thank you for not editing that one out. It is so me 😊
Thanks for such a thoughtful video, Paul! I agree with others here that the moments you break a bit and aren't so polished are great, and just make your videos all the more relatable :) Coming out to close friends has been easy, but the prospect of anyone else is so daunting. I was lucky to already have a neurodiverse friend group that was well equipped to get it. The worst response from one them was still gracious and open: "Wow, I wouldn't have thought that made sense for you, but I know it's different for everyone." It's still early days in my process and I know that's about all I'm prepared for in terms of pushback or consequences. That being said, I'm also having to suppress the urge to shout it from the rooftops or spill to whoever at drinks, and I need school accommodations like yesterday...It's a dilemma. I'm just trying not to pressure myself to move any faster than I'm ready.
Thanks for sharing the way your words got tangled. I have that happen sometimes, and it's actually good to see it demonstrated. And you can't demo without it ACTUALLY HAPPENING! Thanks for allowing us to see how it happened to you. Sometimes I wish life had a reset or delete button! Maybe just a backspace would be ok. I appreciate this video on a topic I am thinking about this aspect of the discovery. I've told a couple people, and so far made good choices, They were curious and I got, oh, I am "on the spectrum too" responses. One of the benefits is that the people I told I can be more comfortable around, unmask a little, and can use my words better!
I’m very happy you made this channel! I love the way you’re open about how you feel and how to process emotions better or improve. It’s refreshing as I feel men don’t talk about emotional intelligence as much and provides me good tips I can use
Thanks for the informations you've shared. That was very helpfull. I am on the stage of keeping for myself yet. Only my partner is aware of the AuDhd late diagnosis at 40's. I love the way you teach and your Channel. Hopefully youll have plenty stuff to talk for long years ahead.
I'm not sure what good would come from coming out I'm 41 years old. But I do want to learn tools that will help me improve my quality of life. My journey right now is about understanding myself better, finding an online community, and optimising my life
You can ask for reasonable adjustments or not have to come up with excuses for turning down invites to stare at the ceiling bored stupid in a pub or at a party. You also get to find out who your real friends are- some will dump you due to courtesy stigma.
I like that you didn’t edit out when you were struggling to find words to say! After I quit antidepressants I have a really hard time finding the right words, even after a year off them , and I feel so self conscious about it ! I’m sure that’s not the reason for you maybe , but the reason doesn’t matter. The problem with me is that I mostly say the wrong word instead, just something random or similar.. that’s embarrassing 😢.. I think it’s a side effect from being on the meds for too many years. It’s good to just accept it and do like you do, just pause and explain that you have trouble finding the right words sometimes! I feel less alone now, thank you !
I did the same thing...told everyone I encountered who would listen. Like you I don't need validation or support. I was just excited to finally know "what was wrong with me". I could finally accept myself.
This is very well done! It is helpful. I came out to my daughter and my sister who were both supportive. That is because they both know me so well and just know how weird I am in a good way. They also have both seen me struggle so extremely hard in my life, and not understood how come I was struggling, and I couldn't just be like them. I have not disclosed it to many friends that know me. I have spent so much energy masking in front of them that it is somehow easier to just avoid them. Not literally, but kind of. I moved across the country, and I stayed off Facebook and stuff for my own sanity. So, I just haven't said anything to everyone.
Thank you for this video! Very helpful. I am just in the process of coming out at work and to my family and your videos have been extremely informative and validating 😊
You do a great job of closing off videos - even though you state you are no good at it - maybe just leave the 'I'm no good at closing out' and leave the 'see you next time' bit? I can't even imagine recording myself never mind finishing off! Well done you do a fab job x
My mother reacted just like your grandmother. She meant well but it stuck with me for a bit for sure. We have a major age difference and cultural differences too that didn't help, but yeah, I'll never forget that reaction.
Thank you for this video. It really helped me to feel better about my current situation. I have known about my ADHD for the past 5 years, and I’ve just recently learned that I may be autistic as well (still waiting to be formally diagnosed). There’s so much I didn’t know about autism and I’m still learning. I really appreciate your gentle yet informative way of explaining autism. I’ve been really worried about what people might say if I find out that I am in fact on the spectrum. This video made me feel very seen, and that I can handle whatever comes from this 😊
I so strongly want to do just what Paul did and shout this from the rooftops. I have known I was autistic since April, and I was formally diagnosed in July. I have told all of the people closest to me, but I really want to be public with it in a way similar to how Paul did. I want the weightlessness of that. However, I still feel this information can be used against me at work and in job prospects. That is the only thing giving me any hesitation about being more open.
I feel the angels have guided me to your work, Paul. You have blown open doors in my mind and helped me to be so much more compassionate and understanding, both of myself and others. May God bless you always.
I told 5 people pretty much immediately and 3 of them said something along the lines of "I'm shocked.... but not surprised. It explains a lot", one said she was so glad I'd finally figured it out as she has known for ages and the last one told me I couldn't possibly be and it was just CPTSD. About a month later I started a RUclips channel, with the intention of doing videos to help educate people on Autism, and shared my video on FB. The responses I received were positive and supportive. I only ever did that one video. Maybe one day I'll gather enough spoons to do more. It's obvious to most that I am different. Even though I was working so hard to fit in. I have had a fair amount of "oh? I'd never have guessed that", and the old "it must be very mild", but those people don't know me well enough to have seen my struggles.
That makes a lot of sense, explaining what's happening to me will also help me identify my formerly hidden tensions, all the unconscious masking that I've learnt to do. I don't want to tell anyone that I think I'm autistic. Well I've told an understanding friend but even she said 'we're all a bit neuro-divergent'.. so now I don't want to. I told my mum and she told me how many problems my siblings have! I don't actually feel heard and understood by anyone except my 2 daughters. Explaining without using labels seems the way to go. (Part of me wants to rush out and explain myself to everyone, but fear of their reactions quells this)
Thank you for this content! It is a big process and advice on this topic is very helpful. All in all, you are right, kindness is the best and really the only way to go!
Thank you SO MUCH for this video! I'm not autistic, but neurodivergent nonetheles. My mother is having a hard time understanding my recent diagnosis (ADHD). Your advice is applicable to the rest of us also :) The last part of your video was especially helpful - I need to allow my mom to figure out neurodivergence on her own before she's ready to join me on my journey. Thank you, Paul! I love your content.
Definitely a challenging topic and different for each person. In my case, now that I have a better grasp and understanding of autism with the help of these and many other advocates videos, it has made it easier to gauge who to say something to and who to let be, and what to say as well. I have at least 3 friends who are also likely autistic, so that was much easier and edifying. One friend, who is more neurotypical, rejected it outright. The friendship is more important to me than proving it to that person, so I let it roll off my shoulder and let it go. With how successfully I can mask, I can't really blame them for not accepting it. I think the more important thing overall is the understanding I have gained and it helps me articulate what's going on to my family and those who are more open and willing to listen.
from a mom's perspecrive: I was privileged to be the first to know the confirmed adult diagnosis. She is only telling family and close friends who need to know, but she is learning that most of them really are interested and do care. To me the revelation actually cleared up a lot of frustration and has brought us closer together beccause now I get it,
The strategy you describe about gradually sharing your differences/symptoms before using the word "autism" I feel like is a really good strategy specifically for those of us who are undiagnosed/waiting on diagnosis as well. Bc I know I'm hesitant to use the word autistic for myself since I haven't been formally diagnosed (even though I display most of the symptoms). But you can still communicate your needs. Lots of people know I have noise sensitivity, and social anxiety, and am very "fidgety"(stimming). But only the people closest to me know I suspect I'm autistic. Another nice benefit to this strategy is that every once in a while you tell someone about your differences, and they say "hey have you ever thought you might be autistic?" and that's so validating for someone who doesn't have an official diagnosis bc it tells me it's not just something I'm imagining and other people notice it too.
7:53 omg! Words are so hard! I do that several times a week, just have to laugh it off. Thanks for the framing on this topic. When I told my husband (even as I was trying to get diagnosed), he was supportive but didn’t see it. It took a couple of months for him to come to terms with it and see that it was indeed a valid diagnosis. We are all on a journey and while it would be lovely to have people immediately on the same page, that’s not how it works and we just have to be kind and patient as you said.
Thanks for this. I've encountered some of the problems you mentioned and my solution thus far has been to simply not tell anyone else. I'm up to telling 3 family members and 4 co-workers.
Fantastic video! I love your channel. It's so obvious you care very deeply about this topic and this community. I'm curious about one thing you mentioned.. you said you help teachers and parents understand a variety of things, including the role of emotional intelligence. I'd be really curious to hear what you have to say about emotional intelligence specifically. Thank you so much for the great work you do!
It is so hard to accept ourselves when those around us don’t validate our experiences or perspectives. This is why I won’t go to therapy anymore, because as a high-masking woman I’ve ALWAYS been dismissed because I am not, idk, stereotypically nonverbal and flapping my hands around. Even my school psychologist sister dismisses me when I talk about autism: “Everyone is a little autistic though. Let’s not over-pathologise ourselves. It’s called the spectrum for a reason.” It can be so hard to be ourselves when no one allows us to be
Ugh yes!! Going to therapy is hard. They're like, "you seem fine, I think we're done here" and I'm just dying inside 😩
Also as for your sister (if you don't mind my commenting on that) have you ever flipped it on her?
"Yes, it really is a spectrum, isn't it?" Or something along those lines.
I'm sorry you have that to deal with :/
I've told one person other than my husband and my brother and the response was an odd look and, "I don't think you are". Maybe I'm bad at discerning looks but what I got from it was confusion and like... disgust?
Took some tests and showed them results and they told me to work through it with a therapist.
That's what we get for trying to be understood, I guess
@@SassyKat6669 I did actually tell her how dismissive it is to say that, and she isn’t an inconsiderate person by any means so she took the point. But oftentimes, the damage is done. She said she wouldn’t speak on it again but it’s like nooooo that’s not helpful either 🥲😂 it just made me feel like speaking up for myself hurt her feelings.
It’s bizarre because neurodivergent traits seem to come from my dad’s side, yet she’s more likely to reference our autistic cousin than me because she has more of the “stereotypical” types of social issues and sensory sensitivities. She would NEVER say “everyone is a little autistic though” when talking about that cousin, but for some reason I am seeing things that aren’t there in myself?
It’s kind of like the double empathy problem. Therapists can be aware that there is a discrepancy in recognizing and diagnosing high-functioning autistic people, and yet they don’t realize how much they rely on stereotypes to recognize and consider that someone is struggling with autism. And so when the person in front of them thinks they are, they just say “no you’re probably depressed and have features of anxiety.” Ok, but I’m telling you WHY I am depressed and anxious, and you don’t realize that dismissing me makes it worse 😂😂😂
@@innocentnemesis3519 I'm sorry you've been through it (but so good to know I'm not alone in a way).
Before I suspected I was speaking to a therapist like, "I know I have adhd but there's something else. Like, there's depression but it's secondary, it's a reaction." At the end of that same session you know what he said? "It sounds like you're depressed would you like to work on that?"
I get that's what he normally works with and sees though, so if it's there he's gonna find it. I just wish they didn't focus so heavily on it.
Happens in the medical field too though. Someone smokes and it MUST be their lungs. A close family member has a type of blood cancer and every time they go in, everyone is all over their lungs. Like yeh, there's low oxygen but it's because the blood can't carry it.
And I'm depressed because my brain doesn't do the thing the way I want it to.
I hope that comparison made sense!
(Edited for some missing words)
Hello sister!!! I too have spent my entire life masking. I have decided not to even bother sharing with some people, because of precisely the reaction you described.
@@SassyKat6669 It totally made sense, and I’m sorry you have also had this experience in therapy. And you’re right, medical professionals in general can very much have tunnel vision especially if they’re a specialist.
I totally get you on the depression part. For YEARS I’ve been told I just need to accept and love myself, but people don’t see how much their invalidation contributes to the depression. I’ve tried CBT multiple times and then started blaming myself when I couldn’t finish the homework, force myself onto a schedule, change my thinking patterns, or make myself not zone out when people are trying to talk to me.
When I finally realized I was autistic and probably ADHD, I was amazed that no one ever even suggested ADHD to me at the very least. Like, the things I was describing struggling with were pretty textbook neurodivergence, but you’re right - they just want to slap the bandaid on the depression that results from years of being unseen and invalidated. They never seem to consider that there is a valid reason you’re depressed.
I mask so well. As I interact with another, I look fine on the outside. At the same time, my anxiety level is screaming inside. I weigh potential outcomes to my responses, judge what is going on, and try to analyze what is expected as the interaction proceeds. It's exhausting.
I am so tired of thinking and analyzing shit
wow that hits hard
When I first found out, I was so happy. I finally knew why people didn't want to be around me and it was impossible to make friends. I thought now I'll just tell people and they will completely understand and accept me..... Boy was I wrong there! I should have said I have HIV or something they wouldn't have ran away as fast.... These are people my age about 10 years ago. Casual friends at local bars.
Telling family was a little better but I got the same response as your grandmother, my mom has eventually come around but still says there's nothing wrong with the way I am... I understand why she says that but for me, I need to know why I'm never invited to things, why people ignore me, why people use me for my talent and then drop me like a dirty sock. Knowing there is something "wrong" makes me feel so much better. I asked myself for 25 years "what's wrong with me?" Now that I know, it hurts when people don't believe you. The first person I came out to "was" a good friend he made me feel so stupid and low. I felt like I was trying to apply for disability trying to explain it to him. He said I just needed an excuse for being a weird asshole.
(Be very careful who you come out too! People will take advantage of our weaknesses!) Just went through that for about the 100th time...
This sounds very much like my experience. I spent my adult life wondering what was going on, but always being told that since I was "functional" (keeping a job, paying my bills, etc) there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with me.
Once I reached my conclusion of ASD+iADHD earlier this year I've broached the topic with many people I know; nearly all have been very skeptical and many outright dismissive of the idea.
Those I've been able to sit down and explain at length about all my reasoning they come around to understanding and agreeing.
@jliller They are skeptical because unless they have spent weeks or months with you alone they've seen mostly masking. They do notice the common things that make us stand out as different but even then they only see maybe 10% of what's really going on inside our heads outwardly. The rest is us doing a mental marathon trying to hold it together. I'm bad about if too many people are in a room talking several different conversations going on my brain hears "words" so it tries to compute all conversations at once. It's like a different language. I can hold out for maybe 20 minutes before I get this overwhelming urge to leave immediately, and I usually do it without saying a word. I'll usually use my IBS excuse or important phone call. My main point is people don't realize what I'm really going through they can't understand because they can't put themselves in our shoes.
I've often wished I could put people inside my head for a day so they could understand what we go through daily. It's absolutely amazing we can function as well as we do. At the end of the day, I think we are the most mentally tough individuals on the planet to deal with what seems like an alien race called humans. JMO.
As always, it's a gift and curse but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Who cares about lots of friends anyway. Need a friend, buy a dog lol.
So well written. Same, trying to find out for years what’s wrong with me, then finally finding out the difference and not being believed. It really hurts. Some people seem to give the impression that I’m trying to do this to get attention or something, but I have not ever been the kind of person to do things for attention. So frustrating 😢
@Taylor Hornsby Thank you.
I completely understand you there. I can't speak for everyone, but I think the majority of us hate attention and drama.
I have literally begged the closest family and very few friends to watch these videos so they can have that "eureka moment" and suddenly realize "hey you were right all along, you're not crazy." But that never seems to happen. Wish I had a perfect answer to fix this problem, but if I did, I would be NT not autistic lol.
@@Lance.West4 yes we are true badasses
When I told my husband, he just kind of shrugged and said, "knowing what it's called doesn't change who you are. We've been married 20 years and we're managing just fine." And he was so right. I was not only validated but I felt fully accepted! My sister pushed back hard because we're twins, and she's not on the spectrum. But we've worked it out. Thank you for this video!
Or perhaps your sister pushed back hard because she is currently unable to accept that she might be autistic too. I've seen that with several (clearly autistic) family members. "You can't be autistic because if you are, I might be too."
I came out as soon as I discovered my autism... At age 69. I recently moved to the community and was a relatively new member of the church. So I came out by standing in front of the congregation and making an announcement. 😊 Yep! I told everyone what a blessing it is and how grateful I am to finally know who I am. When I told my family and friends, also right away, their reaction was basically. "Oh." I mean they've always known that I'm a bit weird, so this probably just made sense to them! 😁 Church folks have been fine. I guess my point is, I'm not looking for anyone's validation. Just happy to shout the good news from every housetop. Happy to be me, and at last, to know who the hell that is! ❤️
Bless your heart, hun. I love how accepting and open you were about it. Thank you for sharing your story 💜
@@t3hsis324 🥰
I was also 69 when I was diagnosed. My grandson is on the spectrum and so in the process of researching what that means I discovered several RUclips channels such as “Autism From The inside” and started recognizing what was being described in myself. This prompted me get a professional diagnosis. The only people I have told are very close family (adult son and spouse) and one childhood friend. I am frankly nervous and worried about telling others.
"I mean they've always known that I'm a bit weird, so this probably just made sense to them!"
You'd think always being known as a bit eccentric/weird and one day saying you'd figured out the explanation as to why would be readily accepted, but in my experience that's not the case. Your friends/family might even be dismissive of the idea that there is any explanation at all for your lifetime of behavior because they believe some people are odd ducks for absolutely no reason at all.
@@jliller You could be right about the dismissiveness. However, I discovered something else happened when I came out in public. I am an acupuncturist, author, and screenplay writer, among other things, and I started my own RUclips channel a while back. My focus was on healing. However, once I came out with my autism, especially female related stuff, people were suddenly a LOT more interested. I think sometimes they just do not know how to respond, in person.
I was born 1960, figured out on my own that I'm autistic via reading a random newspaper article about "Asperger's Syndrome" in Nov 2005 at Age 45. This was a "Gobsmacked" moment for me, it utterly & completely explained my life! I fit all the "stereotypes" down to a T: Very difficult childhood, socially awkward, bullied, disruptive in class, not capable of focusing on schoolwork, very few long term friends, in & out of psychologist's office, a Pariah to everyone in my life - family, teachers, classmates, irritatingly focused on narrow interests - trains, ships, bridges, buildings, geology, geography, history, music, art - all at the cost of completing schoolwork. Oh yeah, insanely photographic memory, gifted at math, literally, didn't even have to be taught algebra, geometry, calculus - all that I could do effortlessly, but not hold a conversation of small talk at a party.
But somehow, I managed to cope well enough w/society to go to college, my parents were so Dysfunctional & treated me so abusively I knew I HAD to strike out on my own at age 17, could not tolerate being with them another minute of my life, once on my own things improved a lot, plenty of painful learning experiences trying to live w/dorm mates, room mates, etc, but eventually figured life out enuff to get multiple degrees & licenses in Civil Engineering, land a job w/a State DOT agency designing highways, lived on my own, bought a house, advanced up the career ladder to Project Engineer then Project Manager (I was literally born for my career, literally, "Predestination"), had a few relationships, married for 8 years, didn't work out, never had kids, by the time I "discovered" my "way of being" I was 2+ decades into my career, pretty successful, divorced but in another relationship, had a pretty good social circle of friends.
Your video is prompting me to go back & remember how I "came out" once I figured out my "way of being"
Now here is some controversy: Even after 17 years, I STILL don't have an "official diagnosis" - there are many reasons - first off, I am simply Absolutely Sure I'm Autistic, just having lived my life experiences, knowing what I'm interested in, how I behave, my career, taking all the surveys, etc - some things, like sensitivity to overstimulation, were things I realized I had, but never had thought about. Secondly, when I did seek therapy, most of the groups said "we only take on children", the few that would handle adults said "well, unless you have a "disability" situation, ie, being discriminated against at work, or needing special accommodation at work, then we don't have the time for you". Third, once the Sandy Hook mass shooting happened in Dec 2012 (10th anniversary the other day), which is in my home state (CT, USA), EVERYONE started saying "It's a Mental Health Issue! Take All the Guns Away from Anyone With Asperger Syndrome!" (because the shooter was diagnosed as such), so me, being a firearms enthusiast as part of my interests in history, would have no part in ever seeking an official diagnosis ever again.
So anyhow, I was pretty outspoken & didn't care who I told. I immediately realized that I was literally surrounded by folks "on the spectrum" at my job (I worked mostly with other engineers on designing & managing projects, & I started seeing the "traits" in just about everyone I worked with), & my social circle (most everyone I was friends with was because of some special interests - historical gaming, music, art, bicycling, etc, & again, I saw "traits" in just about everyone. Most folks took it lightly, laughed about it, I did encounter quite a few folks who were obviously "on the spectrum" but ashamed / embarrassed about it, didn't want to talk about it or acknowledge it.
So yeah, then it came to my parents. I'd been semi-estranged from them since I went to college at Age 17, had moved 6 hours drive away, only visited for a day or 2 every couple months, on & off, for decades. Didn't share much of my life w/them, as both of them disapproved, I never lived up to the Predestined life they had in mind for me. It was tougher because I was an only child, not by their choice, my Mom had Birthing Difficulties, 3 late term miscarriages when I was Ages 2, 3, & 5. So they wrapped all their hopes & dreams around me, a Disturbingly Dysfunctional offspring, who had brought them nothing but Embarrassment & Humiliation in front of their friends & family my entire childhood.
Dad wanted an athlete, as he had been, but lost interest once it was obvious I had less than zero talent at hitting a baseball, throwing / catching a baseball / football. I played Soccer, but to Dad = "Not A Real Sport" / "For Kids Who Failed At Playing A Real Sport" (yeah, typical 'Murican lol).
Mom, whose father had been disinherited from a wealthy family for marrying below his social class, so she had to grow up poor in the Depression /WW2, she was singularly focused on me growing up to be some sort of "Big Shot" lawyer, corporate CEO, mover & shaker - law degree or MBA from Villanova, corporate lawyer job, country club membership, trophy blue blood wife, 2.5 perfect children, chemlawn mcmansion in the 'burbs, church deacon, rotary club president, dashing in a 3 piece suit, MAKE LOTS OF MONEY & BE WEALTHY & HAVE HIGH STATUS!!!!!! To her, my Engineering career was too "blue collar", didn't "get it" at all. Also, working for the Gov't - ugh! Just . . . No - "when are you gonna get a Real job?"
So yeah, my "coming out" to parents happened on my next visit, at breakfast, figured I had their attention. Mom at first showed me an article from Time Magazine she'd kept around from like a year ago, about how Silicon Valley couples were having "Fully Autistic" children at a far higher rate than the general populence, & then the "connection" to "Asperger's Syndrome" began to be made. So yeah, she already knew. But even so, she was STILL in denial about it, blamed the "Liberal Jewish teachers & other kid's parents for warping your mind" (yes, the few friends I did have were Jewish, & the Jewish teachers & parents were the only people ever in my childhood to treat me w/dignity & respect - in fact I owe my success to that little bit of mentoring I got). Mind you, this was by ~2012, when Greatest Gen folks like my parents had been listening to AM talk radio for a few years, were fully steeped in the "Birther" thing - "Obama is the Antichrist!", yata yata. On board the MAGA train, even tho it hadn't left the station. I even tried apologizing to them, for all the hardship I'd put them thru, all the grief, embarrassment, humiliation. I wanted them to know I was happy with my life, & did not hold anything against them for the Abusive treatment they meted out (Mom used to hit me w/the back of her hand across my face every time she got bad news from the school about me), I understood why it was difficult for them to deal w/me.
So, never really "got thru" to either parent, Mom passed away in 2014, never would ever talk about it again, whenever I tried to bring it up, she'd wave her hand, look away. Dad eventually totally disowned me during the 2016 election runup, when I refused to join him on the MAGA train. Sad. I will say, much of my parent's issues have to do w/the Stigma associated w/Mental Illness in their generation (born circa 1930). The genetic component means that it's their "fault" I have a "Disorder" for which there is no "Cure", in their minds.
Yup, can't choose your family. Sad to say. But otherwise, I have no issue telling anyone. Am married to my 2nd wife for 11 years, I told her all about my "condition' from Day 1, she still sometimes doesn't fully "get me", especially when it comes to my "triggers", like TV cable news, which is so full of lies & bullshit it simply drives me off a cliff (& it doesn't matter, right or left wing, both are just as bad to me).
One thing I will add - I know it's now Unacceptable to use the term "Asperger Syndrome" due to the Dr's association w/the 3rd Reich (I agree), & now it's also apparently unacceptable to use the term "High Functioning", which I prefer. "Autism is Autism" the "community" screams. But to me, there is indeed a distinction. I have a couple friends with "fully" autistic children (they are ones who I see as being "on the spectrum" but in denial, like my parents, ashamed of the genetic component), their children, although now in their 20's, will never, despite a lifetime of intensive therapy, be able to live independently, hold down a job, drive a car, or even take a bus/train. They will need "Adult" supervision their entire lives. Yet here I am, pretty well adjusted, having a successful education & career designing & managing some very large, complicated projects (in the $100's of millions), having 6 relationships, 2 of them marriages, a circle of friends, yata yata. Sure, I share many of the same "issues", but not to that severe of a degree. I would say, restricting the label of "Autism", & that's it, to both them, & me, is at the very least pretty confusing to the "lay person" not familiar with it. I will use "on the spectrum". I will Emphatically NEVER use the term "ASD" - "Autism Spectrum Disorder" - I REFUSE to label myself with a "Disorder" - no, I have a "way of being", not something "Wrong" for which a "Cure" is needed.
Sorry for this being so long, you all know how that goes. "End A Conversation!" lol
read the whole thing. Thanks, it's always good to know so's life history and learn sth about it. Sorry for your parents, but you seem to not be affected as much nowadays. I have loving parents, but still know the pain of dealing with stupid people. I also don't agree with the autism unification, there's a big big difference between formerly called aspergers and severe autists.
@@nicolascalegario8835 Thanx. I leave my life story in the hopes it might help others. Certainly a different experience nowadays, "knowing" about your "way of being", I went 44 years wondering what planet I was really meant to live on lol.
The "parents" thing is generational (me born 1960, then circa 1930) as well as cultural (they = blue collar, 10th grade educations, devoutly religious), so I don't take it personally.
As for the "Autism is Autism" thing, I do agree it is the same "condition / way of being / "brain wiring", it's just a matter of "Degree", thus I agree w/the concept of "Spectrum". Just as there are many forms / degrees of severity of other "disorders" / "diseases". (ex: I have "mild" asthma. My wife has "severe" asthma w/COPD. Her life struggles are magnitudes greater than mine).
@Bob, Aside from a few traumatic experiences you've described, i see myself thoughout your life history. It was worth the read. Plus: Hi, from Southeast Connecticut. 😁
@@rebeccamay6420 j
I love what you have shared here. I am on this journey now. You give me hope.
Min daughter told me that she may be autistic.She told me that it is so reliving to know that there can be a reason why she has been struggling so much with her life. Somehow, I feel that it is also reliving for me.
I has been trying so hard to understand what I have done as a parent to make her so unhappy. I think that now we can build a completely new relationship without blaming each other for our past. I love her so much. I am so grateful to all of you for teaching me what is autisim. I am sure I will be able to understand my child (children) better. Thereis also a chance that I will also understand myself better.
As always, another fantastic video. I personally regret telling co-workers about my autism. It's because by intention was to have them make minor changes that would help me in stressful situations, mainly during mandatory meetings. For exemple : that they avoid wearing perfume and not sit too close to me. Well, my expectations were way off. Nobody adapted. They just take it personally and feel rejected. The question I got was " Were you officially diagnosed?". Since I am self-diagnosed, they just invalidated me. They think I'm too blunt, non-social and too much of a stickler to the rules or just an inflexible person that worry too much about details. I see myself as masking and adapting ALL THE TIME for them. So, it didn't help me at all. There was one co-worker who was very supportive and it is because his daughter is autistic. I thought that because I work in the education system, people would be more sensitive to my issues or at least more knowledgeable, but no. So, in certain work environments, it might be better to just say that you're allergic to perfume, that you are very tired that day, that rules are important for the welfare of all, etc. That kind of verbiage will be better accepted (but few people will accommodate you anyway). 😀
It really depends on the work environment. I never announced it to anyone but I was asked it by someone who saw the signs in me. My work is more Blue collar so social interactions are less important but in White collar work spending hours socializing it depends on you and it may or may not benefit you.
Education is a very disappointing institution. I used to teach. Very sad to help my daughter navigate that system. Trying to educate teachers is hard.
@Lenneeful Having retired before self-diagnosing, I might have risked disclosing to a co-worker who was a source of emotional support as I was to them. But as for bluntness, non-socializing, stickler to the rules, exhaustively detail oriented, and accommodating my other co-workers and management, it sounds like our brains are wired much the same.
I didn’t even know I was on the spectrum and until I started following this channel I am a older African American male and I’ve had horror stories coming out with my autism including employers coworkers healthcare providers and most people are not autistic friendly.
Yeah im 21 i dont even say to no one that im autistic
Just gave up trying
This is so true.
As always - so much wisdom and kindness - thank you, Paul. And if I could make a request: I realize you are extremely uncomfortable ending videos, but the gawkiness and the way you admit how difficult it is for you are very endearing and kind of invite the rest of us to be more accepting of those things that are hard for each of us to do. So, my request is - please don't get too much better at ending videos, they have become a very heart-warming part of your videos that I especially like.
Beautifully said and so true
I agree: When Paul leaves the awkward bits in the video (Come on, Words, Don't get stuck), it makes me feel more comfortable about my own Brainstuck moments.
@Paul: Stay Relatable! 🤗 We're right there with you!
You have an excellent presentation opening and closing your videos, and everything in between. You probably don't realize the impact you have. Don't change anything!
I was just diagnosed yesterday (at age 43!) and this was the most perfect video for me to listen to right now. Love you so much for this and all your videos. I was actually considering to carry the official diagnosis letter with me so that as soon as friends or family start to question I can offer them to read it. Don't know if thats too aggressive or something (-; But I feel similar to you where I want to shout it to everyone so they can know... "Ok that's why he always seemed a bit peculiar"
I found out at 67 years old, not knowing what’s wrong sucked. I thought I was alone. I'm now very comfortable being autistic. I's nice to have an owner’s manual for my brain, I understand me a lot better. Because of this, my masking methods have improved quite a bit. But I really don’t care if people know. If I had a choice, autism with my gifts, or neurotypical, I’d choose the first. God does not make mistakes.
My son was diagnosed 8 years ago and back then I questioned myself whether he has it from me but threw out that thought because I believed it can't be as I'm really good at reading facial expressions.
A couple of months ago my trusty counsellor asked out of the blue if I had ever been tested because she noticed some clear symptoms. I was stunned and my whole life flashed in front of my eyes, all those situations that would make so much sense with this diagnosis.
So yeah, turns out she was right. I wish the public was more informed about what the spectrum looks like and everyone who needs it has the opportunity to get a diagnosis and proper support.
In a similar manner, I find it intriguing how swiftly I disclose my sexual orientation to others-being gay. I do so to dispel any immediate assumptions of heterosexuality, which can be quite annoying. Surprisingly, I face more discrimination when I mention my ADHD, prompting me to keep that aspect of myself hidden for the time being. Superb videos, Paul. Glad I'm subscribed to you. Keep them coming. 👍
Self diagnosed a few weeks ago (in part thanks to your awesome videos!) autistic + inattentive ADHD. Told immediate family first. Husband: to me you’re just Misha. Brother: don’t let this be label that limits you. Dad: at first he was a little confused because he has some of the same traits, but after he saw what I later posted on FB (coming out to my friends) he called and we had a long chat about our similar experiences and discoveries. Friends: in response to the FB post (which I started with a TL;DR) I received an overwhelmingly positive response. Not a single person said “I didn’t/don’t see it“ nor did anyone say “I knew it all along“. Just a lot of really positive messages and support and I was frankly pleasantly surprised.
@@avocado405 You have a valid point. But also, I’m not responsible for how other people think or what they think of me. I have to just let that go. If they’ve been talking about me at work, they’ve had 25 years to do it. I show up every day and do my best and I know that it is noticed by at least some of management. Those that don’t “get me“ maybe never will, with or without knowing I’m autistic. But MAYBE by me coming forward and being open about what I’ve learned I can create a learning experience for those that are closed minded and have a limited understanding of autism. Perhaps if more of us are more transparent in our lives and discuss it more openly we can break down the stereotypes.
Thank you so much for doing this video. I have recently told someone about my autism. I am 64 years old (masking all my life). It was the first time I was telling someone. I was taking a chance. It was not a positive experience. So, I am sending him this video as a link on his Facebook. Thank you again. I think you are great.
I don't usually tell anyone unless I think they really should know; one friend and one doctor, and I regret telling the doctor! Instead I usually explain things with the symptom rather than the actual cause, eg, 'I have discalculia' or 'I get panicky if I can't find the exit'. Some people will just think I'm weird anyway, or thick, for some reason, as I sometimes find verbal communication really difficult if it goes off my masking script. It used to really hurt, but now I know who I am it hardly bothers me now and I reckon it's their problem anyway, lol. :)
I'm a 54 year old guy from UK, can you imagine the loneliness of being on the spectrum, almost deaf and completly alone through life, it's soul destroying.
😢❤🤗
@highplainsdrifter699
I can't imagine. I can empathize, though. And i wish it were easier for you.
I'm 52, on the spectrum, but high masking. I've lost a lot of hearing in one ear and started learning ASL (American Sign Language), but it makes me feel left out in conversations.
Hope you can find your tribe, or at least a couple folks you can hang out with soon.
If i were there we could go have tea! ☕
@@SweetStuffAustin yes it would be great to have our own tribe , it's tough out there
@@highplainsdrifter699I'm in Austin, Texas and have found SO many humans like me!😊 Maybe try some meetups? But sure if you have those in your area. Pick an interest and then go meet people into that same thing. It's still not easy, but it's a start. Maybe learn sign with a group? I feel like it's something very useful and we will all need it at some point.
@@highplainsdrifter699I live in Austin, Texas and I've found quite a few people who are my tribe.
I go to meetups about things I'm interested in. Perhaps you have something similar where you are?
I am not Autistic but I am interested in LEARNING more about it... Thanks for sharing your personal experience. 🕊
The « Just do it » right next to the Nike sign on your jumper made me giggle.
Thank you for this very enlightening video. I found your work while researching info - I believe I’m autistic as well. It was suggested to me by a psychiatrist a few weeks ago. I told my parents with whom I’m extremely close and whose reaction scared the hell out of me, and they just said « Wow, that actually makes a lot of sense ». And we’ve all been doing more research since and find it extremely liberating for everyone. Imagine my relief ! I’m more cautious about telling people outside my family though … afraid of getting hurt somehow. But that can wait as I have my little support group already ♥️
Cheers from France !
I made the mistake of bringing it up during an escalating disagreement. I was trying to explain the preference for identifying as being autistic vs having autism, and things got out of hand. It started off as a generalized topic, but I was getting more and more upset. When they demanded to know why I was getting so agitated, it just slipped out. There was immediate pushback, and then I left the room in tears. The next day, we acknowledged the argument (things devolved into shouting before I stormed off), and then we shelved the topic. Months later, I asked to talk about it again. There was no argument that time, but they still weren't receptive, and it compounded the hurt. It sucks that they don't believe me, but I've come to terms with it. Their opinion has always meant a lot to me, so I'm still hoping one day they'll come around. Unfortunately, I don't think I've ever been as important to them as they are to me. I'm in the high masking group with comorbid ADHD and anxiety, and I think I just fall outside of their perceptions of autism. Fortunately, they aren't the only person I've shared with and things have gone better with everyone else. The first two people I told didn't bat an eyelash. The third treated it as an interesting new detail about me. I told one of my younger sisters a couple months ago, and I was shocked by how receptive she was. Instead of pushback or dismissal, she asked if it was part of why I always felt so different from everyone else growing up. Her response really touched me and it helped heal some of the pain over the one bad interaction.
Don't assume one bad reception means they'll all be bad. If they are, I highly recommend looking for other autistics in your area. My entire book club is neurodivergent and queer, and I've never had an easier time making friends. When I go to gatherings with them, I leave feeling energized instead of exhausted. Being able to socialize without masking is a game changer, and I'm so grateful for my friends.
Part of the discovery process is grief. I'm glad you found a tribe.
I don’t tell anyone about it. Ever. I don’t want people to think less of me or think I’m weird because they don’t know what autism means and I can’t be bothered explaining it all the time. I was diagnosed at a very young age so my family knew I had it before me.
There’s a difference between announcing it and being asked it. If asked it you should try to determine the knowledge that person has of ASD. I don’t want to lie but I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I am teased/hazed about it.
Right
@@dambigfoot6844 The world is generally hostile to autistics, and the majority of experiences prove this view correct. Not everyone wants or needs to disclose. While it's not something I would endorse to everyone, I can understand why OP would choose to stay hidden.
Thank you for this. I'm almost 71 and just discovering a whole bunch of "whys" that I have been questioning myself about all my life. I also suffered early childhood neglect and trauma. So much is beginning to make sense. This realization is still really churning aroud inside me. I have been isolating for years. I honestly never believed I had a chance at at tribe. But as I watch and listen to you I could be you. Sheesh. Lots more to think about.
I just told close family when I was in discovery mode, but once I was certain and had professional confirmation I shouted it from the rooftops too - pretty long post on Facebook :D I think it helped that my social circle is only close, supportive friends. I'd been open over the years about physical and mental health struggles so to have this piece of information that explained so much I had to share. I made it clear it was a positive thing and a relief and I was proud so they could calibrate their responses to where I was at.
The main reaction was like "I wouldn't have realised, but actually that makes sense". Then I had a few friends who said they'd been wondering themselves so I pointed them to screening tools and they ended up realising they're not. I have friends I'm pretty sure are but they haven't brought it up (yet).
With people I don't know well I do that partial disclosure too - say I'm not good with faces, I am detail-oriented, I find change hard etc. It's a nice strategy that people seem to respond to well. With some health professionals I disclose even when it's not necessary just to help them broaden their understanding.
I like that you didn't edit out your word stumbling, very relatable.
The first person I told was a horrible idea. How quickly one video, trying to share what I am still struggling to understand, was weaponized in one day. Was eye-opening to put it mildly.
The second and only person I ‘told’ I knew I could approach it with our shared love of comedy. So I sent her link along with this exact text,
‘I have never been so bull-s$&t to ace a test in my life.’ And immediately she responded by sending laughing emojis while she called me directly.
I will always regret ever saying a word to the first person.
However telling my friend, in the one language I still had, I will NEVER regret.
As her kindness made the hurt from that first reach-out, no less painful. But- It has helped me to let go of one person’s hurtful choice and still be okay. 💯
Watching this, and reading comments from others makes me realise and appreciate how lucky I am, to have been able to 'come out' safely and without any push back. I started telling people as soon as my referral for assessment was accepted, nevermind waiting for formal diagnosis 😂 I work in the field of autism, and have 2 sisters who were diagnosed before me, so I am fortunate that almost everyone around me has some understanding of autism. One of my lovely colleagues gave me a heads up the other day that she had rearranged part of our office, as she knew this unexpected change might bother me, and that being warned of things in advance helps me.
It has been a very liberating experience. I hope that one day we live in a world where everyone can safely share who they are .
Second time watching this. Struggling today with considering coming out since I know I still feel my own stigma (based on lifelong self-worth issues). Just a nice feeling to have you discuss it so rationally.
Glad you didn't have to defend yourself. You're one of the lucky few. Only 1 person has been supportive of me. I'm so tired of feeling invalidated. I've been dealing with the same crap for 30 years about my Fibromyalgia diagnosis.
This video helped me so much. I am currently in the discovery phase of finding out I am Autistic and have not yet ventured into the territory of telling anyone aside from my wife and therapist. Thank you for making this and for being so thorough and thoughtful
Oh dear, I wish I had seen this video before I told my psychiatrist today that I'm going ahead with an assessment for adult autism at a private clinic! It never crossed her mind that I may be on the spectrum because I appear too "normal" (which is a problem in itself). Initially I wanted to keep it to myself but felt that I had to tell her and now she's worried I'm doing something that might cause more harm than good. I understand her concerns but I have to quietly follow my instincts on this and I'm tired of being dismissed as "imagining things".
I was so relieved to get confirmation of my condition. My unusual (probably) approach meant that I was fascinated to realise all the traits that I have lived with for 60 years now. My best friend has played down my discoveries, I think because she doesn't want to think of me being" not quite right". The day I got my diagnosis I made a badge declaring it. My own design. So no, I'm not afraid or ashamed of it. I'm about to tell someone I recently broke up with. Wish me luck. It's my way of completing the story.
Some people have a way with words, others have not way.
That’s why I’ve learnt several foreign languages, esoterics, astrology, art of speech and so on. I have no way with words.
Thank you Paul. 😁
Lol: Sometimes I excuse myself in conversation for being "multilingual" when my words get scrambled before I can remember what I was about to say. Really, I am multilingual -- conversational French, some Spanish, and just enough American Sign Lauguage to get by, plus i enjoy learning how to say Thank You in as many languages as i encnounter --but I finally discovered it's Because Autism that I lose words and tend to build my sentences inside out and backward.
I should probably stop commenting and replying for tonight, lest RUclips suspects me of spamming and decides to ground me for a bit. 😝
That Steve Martin/Mark Twain quote is gold! 😂
I need to memorize that.
I have always used reference to my quirks “I can’t handle fluorescent lights because they flicker”, “I struggle to listen to you talking when the TV/radio/stereo is on in the background” etc etc etc… (there’s a lot!) long before I found out I was autistic so post-diagnosis I figured I’d just stick with those kinds of explanations as the only people who really understand what “I’m autistic” really means are those who are autistic themselves, or suspect they are, or who are very close to someone who is autistic. Nobody else will have a clue. I know that because I embarrassingly didn’t have a clue before it became relevant to me either!
I love that Paul,, "I have not way with words much"... I TOTALLY relate to that... I sometimes can't even believe the way words come out of my mouth! 🙂 People that know me think I'm "funny" sometimes. I'm not actually trying to be funny. Your videos are so very helpful and informative to me as a 66 year old American female who has not "put it together" until much later in my life that I am "neurodivergent", but I ALWAYS knew that I was definitely "different" than ANYONE else. It's been a hard life for me, but I'm not complaining, it's just been more difficult to sort through things and making decisions, but now I finally "get it". I can't regret that I didn't know more when I was younger, that would only keep me sad and grief-stricken about "losing my life" and everything traumatic that happened to me because I'm the way I am. I actually LIKE the fact that I am NOT "like other people". I find that I mostly resonate with people who have "struggled" with life , but have grown from it and are Kind. I don't do well with mean, horrid people. Thank you for what you're doing Paul.
It’s really sad that people can’t just be who they are, that they have to “come out” at all.
I’ve told a few people I trust that “U think I’m on the spectrum”.
I received a couple of “hmm, that makes sense” responses and a few “No way! You can’t be AUTISTIC”
Sigh.
I laughed out loud and pretty heartily when you said that bit about "try not telling your partner" because my partner is the person who first told me I was likely to be autistic.
As far as coming out as autistic is concerned, I guess I practice a kind of radical self acceptance of being autistic. For me, to do otherwise, means I could be propelled into a state that may result in an outburst or a meltdown. If I begin acting strangely in the eyes of a neurotypical and it causes them obvious distress (I just laughed again because I am also alexithymic and other people's distress isn't always obvious to me) and if they don't know, I just tell them. It isn't fair of me to cause discomfort in others for a reason they don't know and them knowing why I am stimming or freaking out may help them understand and then deal with what is happening with me.
Otherwise, unless it is medically related or could mean losing my job, I don't say anything. I don't see any reason to offer that information if it isn't effecting other people.
Mother outted me in front of my partner (whom i was going to tell because we share everything) in a very nonchalant way because she figured i had already said something. She said something like 'wow, i understand you so much better now that i know about the autism.' i observed my partner look at me through my peripheral so i looked back and he rubbed my head. Of course, i just cozied into his armpit and that was that. He cared before and nothing has changed so i don't feel the need to talk about it because i feel like it would only give reason for my partner to watch for symptoms or signs. We are happy and both of us are pretty dang weird. So.... If it ain't broke....why rock the boat.
@@deborahb.1148
How absolutly lovely!
Yes, I told my brother and he completely rejected it. There has been no more discussion about it for months and my feelings are so hurt.
Cynthia, think in all those adults dating another adult of the same gender, and still the parents will not accept their homosexuality. Again, because they have negativr prejudices about it.
I like the idea of gradually revealing traits. Even if I never reveal the full diagnosis, I can still be more comfortable in social situations.
I am extremely recently self-diagnosed, and profoundly, pervasively convinced of this reality. I need not press the point here, as those inhabiting this space will understand, so it is enough to say that it explains, and changes, nearly everything. I would like to share with you the perhaps impulsive way I did this, though I note, Paul, it's nearly identical to what you did. I want to add that I did this "my way" before I realized this was how you did it (yes, even though I watched and commented on this video two weeks ago, but somehow it didn't register with me that you did a "splash" kind of open-air announcement to the world). And now what you're saying about your "announcement" resonates wonderfully what I did. I absolutely agree that this isn't the way everybody should do it, but if somebody is in that "safe" place in life and longs to make this aspect of himself/herself understood then, yes, it is greatly liberating. What I did was, I made it an incremental weeklong revelation on Facebook, for my "intimate" circle of about 900 friends, by means of one post a day gradually unfolding various aspects of myself in a systematic way, category by category: my "quirks" and habits (that I know they have all noticed); my more invisible particularities, like shutdowns, aversions, masking and others; my "superpowers" and my areas of nearly complete incapacity (the phenomenon of "understanding things nobody else does and not understanding things everybody else does"), etc. Along the way I did, yes, tell them, "You've likely noticed my posts are unusual this week and seem to be leading somewhere. Yes, they are, and it's somewhere good. I'll get to The Point on _______" and I set a specific day for that. Some friends were beginning to express concern, suggesting things like PTSD (for good reason, in connection with the war in Ukraine). Others wanted, understandably, to chuckle it away with comments like "We're all quirky." All of this I understood. People get nervous and scared. Finally I unveiled "The Point," without unnecessary drama and clearly communicating how GREAT a thing this was for me to finally see, how it changed, on one level, everything, yet on another changes nothing at all. The response was mostly positive. Interestingly, nobody who's really known me for 25+ years, or even my whole life, ever said, "No, that's impossible." I even heard "Yes, that does make sense." My gut sense is, they, I, we all knew something was up. The only strong, even fierce pushback I got, to the effect, "No way, you're too smart, too well-spoken, too intelligent," etc., came from a FB friend I've enver met face-to-face and whose only interactions with me, for about 5 years, have been in writing. You know, just the revelation of the past two weeks alone were sufficient to ramp up my capacity for responding well to this man. I told him I appreciated his estimation of me, and I understood why he felt that way, but that I was pervasively convinced of this and it wasn't something I had an actual need to prove to anybody. If I weren't 65, but say 25 or 40, I might have done this differently. But at 65 my time is significantly less to slow-walk this. It just needed to be said, all at once (or over the course of a week 😏) so I can get on with life on this better basis. No secrets.
I just recently discovered that I have autism and I've been really hung up on telling my in-laws who my husband and I live with. Now after watching this video I feel alot better about the situation. Thank you so much for all your videos, they're super helpful!
Good practical tips, cheers Paul! And I love that wall.
The most typical (and infuriating) response I get is "ah, we're all a bit on the spectrum aren't we?" I'm sure people aren't deliberately trying to invalidate or minimise one's experience but that's unfortunately how it feels.
So true, everybody says that. Infuriating.
"We're all a little on the spectrum" quite nearly equates to "But you're too normal to be autistic." Some may think they're trying to reassure and comfort you, yet others will outright reject the thought, probably because they're afraid -- stereotypes, stigma, genetics, there's no "cure," The Unknown, etc.
Edit: Oops? Did I put this part on the wrong thread? I hope it will help someone nonetheless >> Your brother may well be scared and too afraid to admit he doesn't know enough about it to know what to think of your discovery. Instead of feeling hurt, let him have some time to process this news. If he gets curious enough, he might research it, learn something, and become less fearful.
"Knowledge is Power."
📖❤️
I'm not in the slightest bit neurotypical- spent my whole life being criticised for that!
I just diagnosed this year. It's hard to tell people because they automatically dismiss it. I was taught to mask and be "ladylike" my WHOLE childhood. Literally trained to look normal. But those are all learned behaviors. How I process and interact with the world is very different. That's what people don't understand.
I only told the people closest to me. Most people have no idea what it is and will never do the research to understand. My spouse still considers it "mental issues". A cousin widened their eyes and were like, "oh my"....In my case, letting work know helped because I knew my supervisor would listen and there were accommodations available and understanding for mental health days. I talk to my therapist and psychiatrist. I also talk about it with my sister because she has a child who was diagnosed and she understands. Also, I dont tell people because sometimes I think people will want to attribute something I do to autism. They already know something is not "normal" and that's enough. I personally know how (and why) to avoid triggers and politely decline situations when I am tired and burnt out. The kids and spouse know that certain noises (wild smacking of food) are a "no no" and sometimes I need quiet and alone time.
Isn't ASD a kind of mental issue?
Tmac your comment powerfully resonated with me.
There are few people in my life that have any idea or would invest time in learning more about Autism in order to better communicate with one another. So many snap judgments or dismissal when dialogue is even opened.
@@JessWicked glad it resonated. Update. My boss turned out not to be an ally.
Hey, just found out im autistic at 40. Pretty baffled... but it's pretty much thanks to you videos.
Thank you Paul. This was helpful. As usual. One of the positive features of the autism spectrum is that - at least for some of us - we tend to build up a clear-to-read methodology. As you just did for this video to explain the step-to-step way to approach this subject. And that is why I found it very helpful. Then... "Good luck not telling your partner!" LOL!!! I was in tears for laughter! About words not coming out : I am a native Italian, living in France, using quite regularly English and Spanish and... When a word does not come out for me, it does so in all of these languages! I feel totally stuck and cannot move on into teh conversation! It is as if the whole world went blank. It is such a confusing experience! But, again, there's worse to life than this... Cheers - Marco PS : during the video, there is a bizarre "colour flickering" on your person and the background. I might not have been the only one noticing that, I know. And anyway, this visual detail does not take away any of the quality to your work.
When I told my mom I was evaluated she thought it was silly. She said “that’s ridiculous” and walked off. Leaving it at that. So a few weeks later I got my diagnosis and all the results from allllll the testing they did, I went to my moms and I told her about it. I said “I know you think it’s ridiculous but, mom it’s really me. For the first time in my life everything I’ve struggled with makes sense to me” and my mom said she knows. And I said “I thought you said it was ridiculous?” And she told me she did. But then she did some research of her own and realized that I was right. It does describe me. And she told me a story about how when I was 5 or 6 a teacher I had had asked if I could be evaluated for Asperger’s Syndrome and they had said no. She didn’t realize that Asperger’s and autism are now the same thing. It was a really good moment between my mom and I.
"Why are words not working?" This happens to me so much of the time! For me any language is like a different language. I think in pictures. Using any words is always a translation for me. Thanks for you videos. I really appreciate what you're doing.
Been diagnosed with ADHD last Friday and am wondering about this quite a lot.
I recommend the channel HowtoADHD ! It’s a good beginners guide similar to this channel but about adhd
72 yes, retired. Been noticing my regressive bad behavior around friends, ignoring, not rude more than I need to, isolation. For my wife's sake I try hard to maintain masking, especially home. She has, unwittingly, adjusted to my strict routines and ways. Have meltdowns because her violating it. I need to do something for her & sake of others. Understanding my 2 self diagnosis is great help, one for adult h one for childhood. My parents knew something was wrong but no help. I was institutionalized in high school. Autism diagnostic unknown in those days. My entire life a series of high masking and crisis meltdowns. My family suffered. My sister acted as if I was savant, she was my biggest fan. So much signs as boy. Siblings suffered, now I know it was my fault. I just want closure to explain. Thank you for your efforts to teach about autism, I really need it. No sense spend money on professionals, I have more than enough experience to know better. Autistic community provides a nice feeling of support.
Very timely video for me. Thank you so much for putting this out.
Paul, thankyou so much for your videos. They are so incredibly valuable! It was thanks to you I first started suspecting my autism and your videos have always been a wonderful support and guidance through my many doubts and questions.
This is very helpful and came just in time, I'm going to tell a good friend I am autistic today and I feel less nervous about it now. Thank you!
I got push back from my parents, honestly I don't care as we dont have a particularly strong relationship anyway. The few friends I've told have been understanding and some said they had suspected it for a while and where not surprised. I'd love to tell everyone but don't have the spoons to deal with all the questions and nay sayers, I'm just going to be me and cherry pick who I tell. This is a fantastic video Paul, thank you so much for sharing and all the work you put into the channel, sending you a virtual man hug. 🙏
I'm over the hill and realized about 2 months ago why i am the way i am. The more i learn, from videos like yours, the more i feel free to be me. Thank you for what you do.
I didn't have to tell my ex that I was autistic, because he was the one who told ME that I was autistic (which I don't think is the right thing to do). And, because I didn't know much about autism at the time (and I figured that perhaps he viewed it in a negative way), I got upset at him. Then after a few months I decided to start researching about it (because one of my supervisors at work told me that she was pretty sure that I am autistic), and I was glad to discover my autism. It was the puzzle piece that I had been searching for for years! Being diagnosed with 5 different disorders still didn't explain half of my thinking.
I myself was diagnosed as a late teen with autism, and it was only picked up because of a related eating disorder. When I moved to college I moved in with a girl who clearly displayed all the hallmarks of autism. However, i never said it to her. Not in our three years of living together. I often wonder if I made the right decision, but judging from your comment perhaps I was right?
@@anniem2777 Yeah, I suspect the same thing about my best friend (pretty much my ONLY friend). But I also know that it probably isn't up to me to say it to her. I was quite upset when my ex asked me if I was autistic, because I didn't really consider it before (until about a year ago). I was offended at first because I didn't really know what autism was, and I wasn't sure of HE knew what it was either; so I was upset because I wondered what his perception was of me. A lot of people view autism in a negative way, so I thought that maybe he did too. I had to ask him what made him think that, and I asked him how he perceives me then. Did he want to be with me, if that was the case? I argued against him, because it felt like a personal invasion, in telling me who I was. I was like, "If I was autistic, wouldn't I know it by now?" So it upset me. Then my supervisor at my last job said the same thing, and she told me that she was on the spectrum. So I researched it obsessively everyday for about 3 months, and sure enough, I had about 25 to 30 autistic traits. But am I ever glad that I discovered it, because I had an identity crisis from masking everyday and didn't know who I was anymore, and was even told by neurotypicals what I want in life. They still try to tell me, "No, you don't want that, you want THIS!" And I am just like, "Thank you. Because I must be so inadequate that I can't decide what I want for myself!" It's like telling someone that you feel a certain emotion, and them being like, "No you don't feel that, you feel THIS". As if I'm not even capable of knowing what I am feeling when I experience really strong emotions. I either experience an emotion incredibly strong (where it's obvious that I feel hurt), or else the opposite, where I'm not sure if I am feeling depressed or just okay.
Trust me I tried to explain this to my partner that I think I'm autistic and trust me it was a difficult conversation and took a while for them to understand and accept it because we had communication difficulties and she thought that I was a narcissist when quite literally I'm not trust me I've studied narcissism cluster b personality disorders psychopathy sociopathy just to make sure that I could not be biased in my examination and to make sure that I really was and I am. What sucks is that when your autistic or on the spectrum it hurts when people don't understand that you think differently and then they try to push their own views or what they see on to you and they don't realize that you just mentally and cognitively do not think in the same Manor it's very sad.
If you're autistic and you're with somebody who is Nero typical you will have some challenges at times I had studied psychology philosophy sociopathy psychopathy narcissistic personality disorder and all kinds of cluster b personality disorders all to learn what I am
One thing I find about autistic people is that they’re extremely worried they’re narcissists… which is a telltale sign they are not a narcissist, because narcissists don’t care if they are narcissists, they just feel entitled to act like jerks 😂
I always thought my Mom was a narcissist... then when I realized I was autistic and SHE was autistic - it allllll made sense. She still drives me crazy though. But I now know she's not saying these hurtful things out of the blue to hurt me.
After I learned that I'm autistic, I - of course - told my wife. Her reaction: "Tell me something I didn't know yet!". And that was it. She was aware of it since we got married and it never was a problem. The reaction of other people wasn't quite that nice. But I never cared. Most people don't know what autism is. Some of my friends didn't know how to react. And then of course there was a number I never heard of again after I told them (who cares ...). But I still have some friends left. After all, it's part of my identity and it is good the way it is.
Bless you for sharing your experience. I studied a LOT of things for a LONG time. Now I know how I am and have learned that some people will never understand or accept, but some will and so I am trying to focus on having those accepting people in my life, but I'm sorry to say a lot have gone by the wayside. I'm SO neurodivergent and I'm still learning about it and I still stumble around. Nobody's perfect. All the best to you in your journey.
@@innocentnemesis3519 #relatable
Diagnosed as a child, I learned to cope with it over time, where I didn't have to take medication anymore. I thought I had it under control. I felt "normal," keeping it a secret from friends and employers. Unfortunately, I didn't disclose this with my wife together for 7 years, married for 2. Somewhere down the line, I screwed up so many times, emotionally and physically detached from my wife at times. I didn't realise that I was destroying my marriage. I caused my wife to have so much pain and confusion, and my sympathy for her was so delayed that by the time I realized that I was destroying my marriage, it was too late. She announced that she wanted a divorce and she was no longer in love with me. I'm still going through the divorce procedures and come to find out she's been talking to another man for the last year and had divorce plans all along.
You are a blessing and so helpful. Thank you for your talks. I especially can relate to the loss of words that seem to hide in my brain closet, at the wrong time.😳Also, when you had a talk about writing issues. Responding to emails; It helped so much in my journey, I discovered I may very well have had, a type Language disorder. I free a kind of relief that after all these years there was a reason for my difficulties.👍Thank You.🤗
My ex of about 8 years was the first person I ever told that I thought I was autistic - she immediately dismissed the idea and I believed her; now 8 years later I'm travelling down the same path to self discovery. Still undiagnosed but your (and others) videos have made me so much more understanding of my own emotions and "oddities", especially when it comes to relationships - thank you Paul for your excellent videos
Thank you so much for this helpful video! I loved your tip to “be kind” and also to not try to force others to go on the same self-discovery journey that I’ve been on recently. I think maybe that’s an ASD trait??? I learn something, get fired-up about it and then I want others to learn the same way/thing that I’ve learned. I’m a teacher, so it’s great for teaching, but doesn’t carry over into social relationships very well. Again, great video!
Thank you so much for explaining how to choose the right time to talk to people. I really struggle finding the right moments to discuss something like this.
I had a crushing experience when I attempted to disclose to a friend. Now I focus on these videos (from high functioning/masking like minded people) to learn more about myself and how to take care of me. I’m happy to stay within this safe space I’ve created for myself….for now.
Jolly well said, dude. Gracias. Here's to awkward goodbyes! Cheers.
Thanks for another great video! I love your content. It is compassionate and informative and really helps me on my own road of self discovery. Also "Come on words...Why... are words...not... working" thank you for not editing that one out. It is so me 😊
Thanks for such a thoughtful video, Paul! I agree with others here that the moments you break a bit and aren't so polished are great, and just make your videos all the more relatable :)
Coming out to close friends has been easy, but the prospect of anyone else is so daunting. I was lucky to already have a neurodiverse friend group that was well equipped to get it. The worst response from one them was still gracious and open: "Wow, I wouldn't have thought that made sense for you, but I know it's different for everyone." It's still early days in my process and I know that's about all I'm prepared for in terms of pushback or consequences. That being said, I'm also having to suppress the urge to shout it from the rooftops or spill to whoever at drinks, and I need school accommodations like yesterday...It's a dilemma. I'm just trying not to pressure myself to move any faster than I'm ready.
Thanks for sharing the way your words got tangled. I have that happen sometimes, and it's actually good to see it demonstrated. And you can't demo without it ACTUALLY HAPPENING! Thanks for allowing us to see how it happened to you. Sometimes I wish life had a reset or delete button! Maybe just a backspace would be ok.
I appreciate this video on a topic I am thinking about this aspect of the discovery. I've told a couple people, and so far made good choices, They were curious and I got, oh, I am "on the spectrum too" responses. One of the benefits is that the people I told I can be more comfortable around, unmask a little, and can use my words better!
I’m very happy you made this channel! I love the way you’re open about how you feel and how to process emotions better or improve. It’s refreshing as I feel men don’t talk about emotional intelligence as much and provides me good tips I can use
Thanks for the informations you've shared. That was very helpfull. I am on the stage of keeping for myself yet. Only my partner is aware of the AuDhd late diagnosis at 40's. I love the way you teach and your Channel. Hopefully youll have plenty stuff to talk for long years ahead.
I'm not sure what good would come from coming out
I'm 41 years old.
But I do want to learn tools that will help me improve my quality of life.
My journey right now is about understanding myself better, finding an online community, and optimising my life
You can ask for reasonable adjustments or not have to come up with excuses for turning down invites to stare at the ceiling bored stupid in a pub or at a party. You also get to find out who your real friends are- some will dump you due to courtesy stigma.
I like that you didn’t edit out when you were struggling to find words to say! After I quit antidepressants I have a really hard time finding the right words, even after a year off them , and I feel so self conscious about it ! I’m sure that’s not the reason for you maybe , but the reason doesn’t matter. The problem with me is that I mostly say the wrong word instead, just something random or similar.. that’s embarrassing 😢.. I think it’s a side effect from being on the meds for too many years. It’s good to just accept it and do like you do, just pause and explain that you have trouble finding the right words sometimes! I feel less alone now, thank you !
This is one I've been waiting for, thank you Paul for the very helpful advice 👍💞
I did the same thing...told everyone I encountered who would listen. Like you I don't need validation or support. I was just excited to finally know "what was wrong with me". I could finally accept myself.
A really helpful video Paul, thank you. And I love you being your more natural self in your videos 🙂
Thanky you, Paul, for this video ;) important topic and useful answer 🤘
This is very well done! It is helpful. I came out to my daughter and my sister who were both supportive. That is because they both know me so well and just know how weird I am in a good way. They also have both seen me struggle so extremely hard in my life, and not understood how come I was struggling, and I couldn't just be like them. I have not disclosed it to many friends that know me. I have spent so much energy masking in front of them that it is somehow easier to just avoid them. Not literally, but kind of. I moved across the country, and I stayed off Facebook and stuff for my own sanity. So, I just haven't said anything to everyone.
You’re videos are helping me so, so much. Thank you.
Thank you for this video! Very helpful. I am just in the process of coming out at work and to my family and your videos have been extremely informative and validating 😊
You do a great job of closing off videos - even though you state you are no good at it - maybe just leave the 'I'm no good at closing out' and leave the 'see you next time' bit? I can't even imagine recording myself never mind finishing off! Well done you do a fab job x
My mother reacted just like your grandmother. She meant well but it stuck with me for a bit for sure. We have a major age difference and cultural differences too that didn't help, but yeah, I'll never forget that reaction.
Thank you for this video. It really helped me to feel better about my current situation. I have known about my ADHD for the past 5 years, and I’ve just recently learned that I may be autistic as well (still waiting to be formally diagnosed). There’s so much I didn’t know about autism and I’m still learning. I really appreciate your gentle yet informative way of explaining autism. I’ve been really worried about what people might say if I find out that I am in fact on the spectrum. This video made me feel very seen, and that I can handle whatever comes from this 😊
I so strongly want to do just what Paul did and shout this from the rooftops. I have known I was autistic since April, and I was formally diagnosed in July. I have told all of the people closest to me, but I really want to be public with it in a way similar to how Paul did. I want the weightlessness of that. However, I still feel this information can be used against me at work and in job prospects. That is the only thing giving me any hesitation about being more open.
I feel the angels have guided me to your work, Paul. You have blown open doors in my mind and helped me to be so much more compassionate and understanding, both of myself and others. May God bless you always.
The “why are words not working” part is probably the most relatable and helpful things I’ve seen as a newly diagnosed person. I loved it.
I told 5 people pretty much immediately and 3 of them said something along the lines of "I'm shocked.... but not surprised. It explains a lot", one said she was so glad I'd finally figured it out as she has known for ages and the last one told me I couldn't possibly be and it was just CPTSD. About a month later I started a RUclips channel, with the intention of doing videos to help educate people on Autism, and shared my video on FB. The responses I received were positive and supportive. I only ever did that one video. Maybe one day I'll gather enough spoons to do more.
It's obvious to most that I am different. Even though I was working so hard to fit in. I have had a fair amount of "oh? I'd never have guessed that", and the old "it must be very mild", but those people don't know me well enough to have seen my struggles.
Thank you again for your insight and experience. I need reminding that I need to pause.
Thank you, Paul. I love how you share everything you have learned ion your journey.
That makes a lot of sense, explaining what's happening to me will also help me identify my formerly hidden tensions, all the unconscious masking that I've learnt to do. I don't want to tell anyone that I think I'm autistic. Well I've told an understanding friend but even she said 'we're all a bit neuro-divergent'.. so now I don't want to. I told my mum and she told me how many problems my siblings have! I don't actually feel heard and understood by anyone except my 2 daughters. Explaining without using labels seems the way to go. (Part of me wants to rush out and explain myself to everyone, but fear of their reactions quells this)
Thank you for this content! It is a big process and advice on this topic is very helpful. All in all, you are right, kindness is the best and really the only way to go!
Very nice coaching/strategy btw. Well thought out, nicely delivered, very accessible.
Very helpful insights and advice as always. Thank you for sharing it with us Paul.
Thank you SO MUCH for this video! I'm not autistic, but neurodivergent nonetheles. My mother is having a hard time understanding my recent diagnosis (ADHD). Your advice is applicable to the rest of us also :) The last part of your video was especially helpful - I need to allow my mom to figure out neurodivergence on her own before she's ready to join me on my journey. Thank you, Paul! I love your content.
Definitely a challenging topic and different for each person.
In my case, now that I have a better grasp and understanding of autism with the help of these and many other advocates videos, it has made it easier to gauge who to say something to and who to let be, and what to say as well.
I have at least 3 friends who are also likely autistic, so that was much easier and edifying.
One friend, who is more neurotypical, rejected it outright. The friendship is more important to me than proving it to that person, so I let it roll off my shoulder and let it go. With how successfully I can mask, I can't really blame them for not accepting it.
I think the more important thing overall is the understanding I have gained and it helps me articulate what's going on to my family and those who are more open and willing to listen.
from a mom's perspecrive: I was privileged to be the first to know the confirmed adult diagnosis. She is only telling family and close friends who need to know, but she is learning that most of them really are interested and do care.
To me the revelation actually cleared up a lot of frustration and has brought us closer together beccause now I get it,
The strategy you describe about gradually sharing your differences/symptoms before using the word "autism" I feel like is a really good strategy specifically for those of us who are undiagnosed/waiting on diagnosis as well. Bc I know I'm hesitant to use the word autistic for myself since I haven't been formally diagnosed (even though I display most of the symptoms). But you can still communicate your needs. Lots of people know I have noise sensitivity, and social anxiety, and am very "fidgety"(stimming). But only the people closest to me know I suspect I'm autistic. Another nice benefit to this strategy is that every once in a while you tell someone about your differences, and they say "hey have you ever thought you might be autistic?" and that's so validating for someone who doesn't have an official diagnosis bc it tells me it's not just something I'm imagining and other people notice it too.
7:53 omg! Words are so hard! I do that several times a week, just have to laugh it off. Thanks for the framing on this topic.
When I told my husband (even as I was trying to get diagnosed), he was supportive but didn’t see it. It took a couple of months for him to come to terms with it and see that it was indeed a valid diagnosis. We are all on a journey and while it would be lovely to have people immediately on the same page, that’s not how it works and we just have to be kind and patient as you said.
Thank you so much. Your content is so helpful, especially in the context of a recent diagnosis.
This was extremely helpful. You're such a kind soul, thank you
Thanks for this. I've encountered some of the problems you mentioned and my solution thus far has been to simply not tell anyone else. I'm up to telling 3 family members and 4 co-workers.
Fantastic video! I love your channel. It's so obvious you care very deeply about this topic and this community. I'm curious about one thing you mentioned.. you said you help teachers and parents understand a variety of things, including the role of emotional intelligence. I'd be really curious to hear what you have to say about emotional intelligence specifically. Thank you so much for the great work you do!