Rejection will last a lifetime. I'm 62. I can vouch. I have Social awkwardness, zero skill picking up on social ques, relationships are very few and far between. My own kids reject me. I've spent my life kissing people's butts trying to keep friends and relationships going, but I always end up being used and abused. I have no humility. So exhausting always trying so hard to have friends. Thank goodness for the internet.
We saw that video.. it was awesome.. it made us cry.. we subscribed because of it.. Watching this.. we agree you have come a long way.. Every time we watch your videos.. we are helped.. We believe you are fine as you are.. that you do not need to mask.. no one should have to mask to fit in.. If someone has a problem with that.. it is their problem.. We would be glad to have you as our friend.. Thank you for your channel and your videos.. we are helped every time we watch.. William and Jen
Rejection has been a major part of the story of my life. Recently, several rejections happened all around the same time and led me to question myself. That's when my therapist finally mentioned she thought I was likely on the spectrum. I'm 47.
I was abandoned by my mother when I was eight days old. I dealt with it by never putting too much store in relationships, which has served me well in dealing with the kind of rejection you talk about. It is often said that humans are social beings but I'm not sure that is true in my case. If your expectations of relationships are low to begin with then anything positive that comes from them is a pleasant surprise.
this is great! I feel similarly, that rejection is a significant part of my life, but I continue to learn and grow and that helps me to handle it better and know when somebody is not worth my energy and attention
Yes. It still feels like the story of my life. But similar to you, I've learned to look back with a little more understanding and compassion for myself. Most likely, I was chasing the wrong people and clinging to the idea of relationships I thought I had, rather than seeing them for what they really were. I really like the part where you talk about letting relationships just be what they are, instead of trying to force them to be something else. Accepting a relationship might only be superficial, but it can still be enjoyable. That person just won't be who you reach out to for serious help. And that's ok, too.
Rejection has been the story of my life - misunderstood etc. Now that I know more about my brain and my brain growth disruption in my childhood, it is so much easier to cope with. Plus reaching 53 and post menopause I really don't care much what most folks think about me, just my precious few friends and daughters. Thanks Paul :D x
😳 I think I might be an version of the older you. Relationships have been so incredibly frustrating, exasperating, and painful. The part about casting an ever wider net... that hit hard. Masking has given everyone in my life this idea that I never need support because Im so positive and supportive. It has made me incredibly lonely. I've been practicing letting go of those relationships that mean I will always be the one that pushes for inclusion. It really stinks. I don't know if I would call it rejection, definitely in my young life it was, I guess as I've gotten older it's more like repeated missed connections. Thankyou so much for sharing your personal experience, for making yourself vulnerable. It helped in ways I can't express. I feel seen AND understood- validated. Its uncomfortable leaving this comment. I've felt so utterly abandoned at times. I hope others feel as seen and validated.
See now I never considered my experience to be rejection. My whole life I've always been relatively well liked. I'd learned at a young age that if you smile most people will give you a few moments of time. But it was always only surface level. Nobody has ever wanted to get close to me, never wanted to learn about what makes me me. And the few times I've tried, those people made it about them. And I was used to being outside of the group. I lived my life in a glass box. I could see them, interact with them, but I could never touch their souls. The parts that made them who they were. Over the years my glass walls only got thicker. In school I was the girl who people talked to but never invited out to a movie or a sleepover. My birthday parties were always pretty bare. But that's not quite how I view rejection. True rejection (I was dealing with cancer, which forced my mask to slip up and two people in my department caused my entire department to bully me extremely relentlessly and my boss and HR departments did nothing) to me only came recently and it sent me into a really bad burnout. I didn't clean my home, or eat, or shower, or sleep much for nearly 2 weeks. I sat in a chair and stared at a wall.
I didn't know what mental type I was. Spending a lifetime trying to interact and "pass" as neurotypical was exhausting. I can never be neurotypical as they can never be me. Now I need to find the lost person that was me before I tried to become something I wasn't.
same here, me ex broke up with me 3 months ago and i did'nt understand my autistic trades, if i knew them befor the relationship i could have explained them to her, so she could understand how to handel them, but it causted alot of confusion while me 11 months relationship lasted, like ice blocking where she wanted a answer out of me that at that time i could'nt give answer back because she was putting presser on my so much that i turn into ice block and could'nt say anthing anymore. or that i understand sarcasme to straight forward, my ex said that i was to distracted when we where talking or kissing a good bye, so i made in to tunnel vision, where i closed of the intire would and only focus on her, but then she said that i was to aimping into her soul and that also was'nt good. masking came also confronting me where at home i was a relaxed person, but when i was going outside with orthere people i came more protective and unrelaxed. that i did'nt see, but she did see in me. but came al to late. and i blame meself for not have the experience of have dating more or have'nt got into relationship befor my 34 age, im now 36 and single again, with even more questions then answers
It's been 2.5 years for me being single after dating for 10 years. It was like her and her entire family which I knew and loved died but there was no funeral. I'm just starting to 'get over it' , but not really. Idk if it's regression or what but I feel less and less capable as time goes on. I'm pretty sure I'd never be able to be vulnerable with someone again but all we can do is hope and cope.
It is really remarkable and inspiring to see how far you've come and developed your talents in teaching through video over the years to communicate some very abstract concepts in very concrete ways. I find your videos so helpful and detailed. Can't thank you enough.
I have some really beautiful and authentic connections now. For me it has been about finding my people, unmasking, and building connection on generous compassion and care for others (still with boundaries). Anyone who rejects me now I see as doing me a favour, it's a natural filter for people who are not accepting. I adore the people in my life deeply. No surprises that many of them are neurodivergent too. 🥰
I think one issue is that autistic individuals expect others to participate in relationships with the same intensity. By their nature, the average person lacks the ability for that level of intensity. That leads the autistics to feel the neurotypicals don't care.
Good insights. It is interesting to look back and see how we grow and change as people. I think the longer we walk in the knowledge of who we are the more comfortable we can get, like breaking in shoes until they conform just right to our feet. Rejection still has its echoes in my life but nowhere near what it once did. It helps in a sense that so much of my existence has been redesigned in a much more interior fashion in the years since discovering my diagnoses. Much less need to interact on uncomfortable levels. When I do venture out, I still have places and people for which a certain amount of masking remains necessary. However, I am learning to take that as less they would reject the "real" me and more gaining a deeper understanding of what our relationship really is-and is not. I have never viewed the first video but would be interested to. I venture to guess there are marked changes and gains in assurance. I expect as the years go, there will be many more. Thanks for this and be well.
The whole concept that relationships need to be reciprocal from the start, that I need to ask for stuff from the start, is f'ing mind blowing. Like, and I think I'm not the only one, I was taught not to ask for anything, not to be a 'mooch' and to be independent from a very young age. I've even run into friend related trouble for being a 'mooch' (total misunderstanding and complete BS). But it is going to be very hard to break this habit of not asking for anything, But it brings back a time when I was young and had very little money and had a saying that all I had for my friends was the opportunity for them to do stuff for me. It felt a little self serving, but it was true. Not that I had any real friends then either.
With acquaintances and superficial "friends" you indeed cannot really ask for anything (and they probably won't offer, either). True friendship is imho distinguished by you both being able to ask.
Land and interact with the natives and being so relieved to get back to the spaceship. Interacting with the natives starts out feeling great, and then it doesn't. 😵💫
rejection no but i learned very early on to just let go and let things be now misunderstandings and just about everything else that comes with autisum & adhd [because off course i have both im just that special lol] absolutely but that only happens with people i dont know & i dont waste my time on those relationships there are a lot off people that i dont click with & im perfectly fine with that id rather be alone for the rest off my life than spend an hour in a room with someone who just does not get me & likely never will
I really enjoy listening to your videos, you are very knowledgeable and extremely helpful especially as I am currently going through an Autism assessments process later on in life 👍
I'm just impressed you watched a video of yourself ! lol I'm pretty sure I have a pathological* dislike of being recorded in any way. It's very unsettling to see* Hear*
I don’t know if it’s the autism or that I’m fat but I just can’t make friends or keep a job if I do the relationship lasts about a year then they move away or something I have no friends now and it’s sucks as the last person who I thought was a friend let me down I kind of burn bridges with people if they don’t treat me the way I would treat them it’s not that I’m being mean it’s just if I have done ten favours for someone and they can’t even do one for me I don’t see why I should keep them around maybe I’m selfish I don’t know anyone else like this?
If that’s you in the profile picture then you’re gorgeous so I don’t think it has anything to do with your looks. Maintaining friendships is hard as F tbh and the part about bending over backwards for others to in the end not getting anything in return is defeating. It’s not wrong ti expect a little in return in a relationship, especially if you give your all. I have the same problem and people keep telling me I just haven’t met the right people yet but hello, I’m 34, I should have by now at least met ONE genuine person but no. I just don’t with people anymore (neurodifficult people) online communications is enough.
@@IsidorTheNordicGuy aww thank you I’m 38 so I don’t know maybe it’s our age we’re not seen as the cool kids anymore I really don’t know maybe I’m just awkward af
Eventually, you stop trying. I'm 64. I've never had a serious relationship. Never dated a girl long enough to get to the first kiss. However long that would take. I'm not the most aggressive romantic. In the end, I'm always pushed aside. After being told I'm not good enough for almost a half century, I start to believe it. I've become more isolated from the outside world. But I'm doing okay. I can't say I'm happy, but I'm content in life. I guess that's more than most people these days. I just wish I could have been normal. I wish I could have known how to deal with people the same way other people did.
6:43 I thought you were going to say meds. It's curious, I related to that video a lot in the past, and although things didn't changed too much, I've been feeling way better (or carrying way less) after I started with medication for depression.
masked or unmasked, my problem is not acceptance or rejection... it's people not been able to understand that what is not acceptable to do to others is also not acceptable to do to me... i've been told a multitude of times that my tastes, opinions, knowledge and right to respect were not important. i'm told not to talk about and just accept the same things that make others pissed off and that they'll take about ad nauseam for years... "it's impolite to laugh about people phobia!" "I know, i only did it cause you laughed about mine for 3 years." "I find yours funny!" "so if i find yours funny, i can laught about it?" "no. it's impolite to laugh about people phobia!"
with my ex mother in law, we looped 4-5 times this dialog on multiple occasions. at no point she realised i was also 'people. even when i said it directly. she just looked at me confused... she asked me for years how she could make me believe anything she said as the only truth as if i had no knowledge, understanding or nose for bullshit of my own. and when i said "say things that are more align with reality and verifiable facts.", she said "No..." Just as a 3 years old, i'm not listening! I should just take what i'm told as the only truth and do what i'm told without thinking!
What you say is basically true for every sentient and autonomous human being, autistic or non-autistic. So perhaps there is not much difference, as human beings, the autistic being so much better than the neuro typical at focusing, categorising and logic.
Rejection will last a lifetime. I'm 62. I can vouch. I have Social awkwardness, zero skill picking up on social ques, relationships are very few and far between. My own kids reject me. I've spent my life kissing people's butts trying to keep friends and relationships going, but I always end up being used and abused. I have no humility. So exhausting always trying so hard to have friends. Thank goodness for the internet.
Same for me. 61 next birthday. Just lost another job because people don't and refuse to try and understand me.
We saw that video.. it was awesome.. it made us cry.. we subscribed because of it..
Watching this.. we agree you have come a long way..
Every time we watch your videos.. we are helped..
We believe you are fine as you are.. that you do not need to mask.. no one should have to mask to fit in..
If someone has a problem with that.. it is their problem..
We would be glad to have you as our friend..
Thank you for your channel and your videos.. we are helped every time we watch..
William and Jen
Rejection has been a major part of the story of my life. Recently, several rejections happened all around the same time and led me to question myself. That's when my therapist finally mentioned she thought I was likely on the spectrum. I'm 47.
I was abandoned by my mother when I was eight days old. I dealt with it by never putting too much store in relationships, which has served me well in dealing with the kind of rejection you talk about. It is often said that humans are social beings but I'm not sure that is true in my case. If your expectations of relationships are low to begin with then anything positive that comes from them is a pleasant surprise.
this is great! I feel similarly, that rejection is a significant part of my life, but I continue to learn and grow and that helps me to handle it better and know when somebody is not worth my energy and attention
I'd like to have a win or two... just every so often... that would feel great.
Same
I see you💞
Priceless info everyone needs to know! These were all huge mistakes and then solutions for me too.
Yes. It still feels like the story of my life. But similar to you, I've learned to look back with a little more understanding and compassion for myself. Most likely, I was chasing the wrong people and clinging to the idea of relationships I thought I had, rather than seeing them for what they really were.
I really like the part where you talk about letting relationships just be what they are, instead of trying to force them to be something else. Accepting a relationship might only be superficial, but it can still be enjoyable. That person just won't be who you reach out to for serious help. And that's ok, too.
Wonderfully said. I feel the same.
Rejection has been the story of my life - misunderstood etc. Now that I know more about my brain and my brain growth disruption in my childhood, it is so much easier to cope with. Plus reaching 53 and post menopause I really don't care much what most folks think about me, just my precious few friends and daughters. Thanks Paul :D x
😳 I think I might be an version of the older you. Relationships have been so incredibly frustrating, exasperating, and painful. The part about casting an ever wider net... that hit hard. Masking has given everyone in my life this idea that I never need support because Im so positive and supportive. It has made me incredibly lonely. I've been practicing letting go of those relationships that mean I will always be the one that pushes for inclusion. It really stinks. I don't know if I would call it rejection, definitely in my young life it was, I guess as I've gotten older it's more like repeated missed connections. Thankyou so much for sharing your personal experience, for making yourself vulnerable. It helped in ways I can't express. I feel seen AND understood- validated. Its uncomfortable leaving this comment. I've felt so utterly abandoned at times. I hope others feel as seen and validated.
See now I never considered my experience to be rejection. My whole life I've always been relatively well liked. I'd learned at a young age that if you smile most people will give you a few moments of time.
But it was always only surface level. Nobody has ever wanted to get close to me, never wanted to learn about what makes me me. And the few times I've tried, those people made it about them. And I was used to being outside of the group. I lived my life in a glass box. I could see them, interact with them, but I could never touch their souls. The parts that made them who they were. Over the years my glass walls only got thicker.
In school I was the girl who people talked to but never invited out to a movie or a sleepover. My birthday parties were always pretty bare.
But that's not quite how I view rejection. True rejection (I was dealing with cancer, which forced my mask to slip up and two people in my department caused my entire department to bully me extremely relentlessly and my boss and HR departments did nothing) to me only came recently and it sent me into a really bad burnout. I didn't clean my home, or eat, or shower, or sleep much for nearly 2 weeks. I sat in a chair and stared at a wall.
❤❤❤
I didn't know what mental type I was. Spending a lifetime trying to interact and "pass" as neurotypical was exhausting. I can never be neurotypical as they can never be me. Now I need to find the lost person that was me before I tried to become something I wasn't.
It's a rewarding path, may you get better soon
same here, me ex broke up with me 3 months ago and i did'nt understand my autistic trades, if i knew them befor the relationship i could have explained them to her, so she could understand how to handel them, but it causted alot of confusion while me 11 months relationship lasted, like ice blocking where she wanted a answer out of me that at that time i could'nt give answer back because she was putting presser on my so much that i turn into ice block and could'nt say anthing anymore.
or that i understand sarcasme to straight forward, my ex said that i was to distracted when we where talking or kissing a good bye, so i made in to tunnel vision, where i closed of the intire would and only focus on her, but then she said that i was to aimping into her soul and that also was'nt good.
masking came also confronting me where at home i was a relaxed person, but when i was going outside with orthere people i came more protective and unrelaxed. that i did'nt see, but she did see in me.
but came al to late.
and i blame meself for not have the experience of have dating more or have'nt got into relationship befor my 34 age, im now 36 and single again, with even more questions then answers
It's been 2.5 years for me being single after dating for 10 years. It was like her and her entire family which I knew and loved died but there was no funeral. I'm just starting to 'get over it' , but not really. Idk if it's regression or what but I feel less and less capable as time goes on. I'm pretty sure I'd never be able to be vulnerable with someone again but all we can do is hope and cope.
It is really remarkable and inspiring to see how far you've come and developed your talents in teaching through video over the years to communicate some very abstract concepts in very concrete ways. I find your videos so helpful and detailed. Can't thank you enough.
I have some really beautiful and authentic connections now. For me it has been about finding my people, unmasking, and building connection on generous compassion and care for others (still with boundaries). Anyone who rejects me now I see as doing me a favour, it's a natural filter for people who are not accepting. I adore the people in my life deeply. No surprises that many of them are neurodivergent too. 🥰
I think one issue is that autistic individuals expect others to participate in relationships with the same intensity. By their nature, the average person lacks the ability for that level of intensity. That leads the autistics to feel the neurotypicals don't care.
Good idea. very true.
Great thoughts. Monotropism for the win!
Good insights. It is interesting to look back and see how we grow and change as people. I think the longer we walk in the knowledge of who we are the more comfortable we can get, like breaking in shoes until they conform just right to our feet. Rejection still has its echoes in my life but nowhere near what it once did. It helps in a sense that so much of my existence has been redesigned in a much more interior fashion in the years since discovering my diagnoses. Much less need to interact on uncomfortable levels. When I do venture out, I still have places and people for which a certain amount of masking remains necessary. However, I am learning to take that as less they would reject the "real" me and more gaining a deeper understanding of what our relationship really is-and is not. I have never viewed the first video but would be interested to. I venture to guess there are marked changes and gains in assurance. I expect as the years go, there will be many more. Thanks for this and be well.
I have faith that your life is much better. You always seem like a strong person , helpful to others , kind and positive.
I have not rejected you. Im still with you.
Great approach; learned a lot from your reflection; How cool to be able to have a clear reference point to you past self.
The whole concept that relationships need to be reciprocal from the start, that I need to ask for stuff from the start, is f'ing mind blowing. Like, and I think I'm not the only one, I was taught not to ask for anything, not to be a 'mooch' and to be independent from a very young age. I've even run into friend related trouble for being a 'mooch' (total misunderstanding and complete BS). But it is going to be very hard to break this habit of not asking for anything,
But it brings back a time when I was young and had very little money and had a saying that all I had for my friends was the opportunity for them to do stuff for me. It felt a little self serving, but it was true. Not that I had any real friends then either.
With acquaintances and superficial "friends" you indeed cannot really ask for anything (and they probably won't offer, either). True friendship is imho distinguished by you both being able to ask.
Land and interact with the natives and being so relieved to get back to the spaceship. Interacting with the natives starts out feeling great, and then it doesn't. 😵💫
rejection no but i learned very early on to just let go and let things be now misunderstandings and just about everything else that comes with autisum & adhd [because off course i have both im just that special lol] absolutely but that only happens with people i dont know & i dont waste my time on those relationships there are a lot off people that i dont click with & im perfectly fine with that id rather be alone for the rest off my life than spend an hour in a room with someone who just does not get me & likely never will
I really enjoy listening to your videos, you are very knowledgeable and extremely helpful especially as I am currently going through an Autism assessments process later on in life 👍
I'm just impressed you watched a video of yourself !
lol I'm pretty sure I have a pathological* dislike of being recorded in any way.
It's very unsettling to see*
Hear*
i see stupids around me get along in life with other stupids. Here I am super intelligent, wise, no one recognizes me.
6:06 11:22 🌻
alot of people are lightweights and can't handle a relationship so just use people to your best advantage and be happy 😊
Not know what to say, what to do, or how to act is the story of my life
I don’t know if it’s the autism or that I’m fat but I just can’t make friends or keep a job if I do the relationship lasts about a year then they move away or something I have no friends now and it’s sucks as the last person who I thought was a friend let me down I kind of burn bridges with people if they don’t treat me the way I would treat them it’s not that I’m being mean it’s just if I have done ten favours for someone and they can’t even do one for me I don’t see why I should keep them around maybe I’m selfish I don’t know anyone else like this?
If that’s you in the profile picture then you’re gorgeous so I don’t think it has anything to do with your looks.
Maintaining friendships is hard as F tbh and the part about bending over backwards for others to in the end not getting anything in return is defeating.
It’s not wrong ti expect a little in return in a relationship, especially if you give your all.
I have the same problem and people keep telling me I just haven’t met the right people yet but hello, I’m 34, I should have by now at least met ONE genuine person but no.
I just don’t with people anymore (neurodifficult people) online communications is enough.
@@IsidorTheNordicGuy aww thank you I’m 38 so I don’t know maybe it’s our age we’re not seen as the cool kids anymore I really don’t know maybe I’m just awkward af
@ I’m awkward too, but that’s ok I think 🤔 well, awkward according to the neurodifficult people LOL 😆
I think one just gets tired. No one wants to feel used or unappreciated.
Very helpful, thanks.
Eventually, you stop trying.
I'm 64. I've never had a serious relationship. Never dated a girl long enough to get to the first kiss. However long that would take. I'm not the most aggressive romantic.
In the end, I'm always pushed aside. After being told I'm not good enough for almost a half century, I start to believe it. I've become more isolated from the outside world.
But I'm doing okay. I can't say I'm happy, but I'm content in life. I guess that's more than most people these days.
I just wish I could have been normal. I wish I could have known how to deal with people the same way other people did.
Thank you, Paul. Any reading you would recommend on unmasking?
6:43 I thought you were going to say meds. It's curious, I related to that video a lot in the past, and although things didn't changed too much, I've been feeling way better (or carrying way less) after I started with medication for depression.
masked or unmasked, my problem is not acceptance or rejection...
it's people not been able to understand that what is not acceptable to do to others is also not acceptable to do to me...
i've been told a multitude of times that my tastes, opinions, knowledge and right to respect were not important.
i'm told not to talk about and just accept the same things that make others pissed off and that they'll take about ad nauseam for years...
"it's impolite to laugh about people phobia!"
"I know, i only did it cause you laughed about mine for 3 years."
"I find yours funny!"
"so if i find yours funny, i can laught about it?"
"no. it's impolite to laugh about people phobia!"
with my ex mother in law, we looped 4-5 times this dialog on multiple occasions. at no point she realised i was also 'people.
even when i said it directly. she just looked at me confused...
she asked me for years how she could make me believe anything she said as the only truth as if i had no knowledge, understanding or nose for bullshit of my own.
and when i said "say things that are more align with reality and verifiable facts.", she said "No..."
Just as a 3 years old, i'm not listening! I should just take what i'm told as the only truth and do what i'm told without thinking!
I had that 'protective layer' from the age of say 23 ... it has served me well.
What part of you is you and not just part of masking at this point if u have to LEARN how to be yourself? Damn.
What you say is basically true for every sentient and autonomous human being, autistic or non-autistic. So perhaps there is not much difference, as human beings, the autistic being so much better than the neuro typical at focusing, categorising and logic.
2:53 "Trying to explain myself to others and not being believed" Irony is strong here
I have faith you can heal- stop rejecting healing - stop rejecting yourself