The videos I make are topics suggested by you the viewer. Feel free to suggest any mental health or psychology subjects you'd like me to cover in future videos. Just a reminder though, these videos are not a substitute for support from a mental health professional.
Could you please describe more about the Phrase "more like a cult" i really think this topics are really complicated not just like we can disscuss them as we speak. but still i think there might be a solution.
Yes, I came here to express my observation that the roles in my family were not fixed. In the context of academics, I was the Golden Child. In the context of daily life, often the Lost Child, when expressing my personality or non-acceptable desires (e.g., normal adult romantic relationships) I was the Scapegoat. I have two other siblings who also played these roles, but it was never truly fixed or stable that one was ALWAYS the lost or golden or mascot or whatever. The roles were just another place for the instability to demonstrate itself.
Sometimes yes other's no. I was making good money married with a great job in my early 20s but realized I was still sad or angry all the time which only made things worse. It took me destroying my life for nearly a decade to change things. I hate admitting that only after I accepted God and Yesuha Christ did I start to get better but it's obvious. I never struggled to be kind to other's or care about other's but couldn't do so for myself. Only after accepting Christ did I realize forgiveness of those that most harmed you and loving them is nessecry for forgiveness an love for yourself.
@@beareble-lion4446 There have always been snakes in the garden, and some of them wear human skin. God is welcome to love and forgive them. Loving and forgiving myself and those who DON'T continually hurt others with no remorse works just fine for me.
Third and last child. Middle brother was the golden child, oldest was fellow Lost/Scapegoated Child. Being ignored felt extra devaluing because my mother spent hours talking to my golden child brother every night. So grateful for the internet and healing information like this. Thank you!
I was mom's golden child when I was in school and she had something to brag about. When I wasn't seen as valuable to brag about I become the lost child. It's interesting how roles change throughout life.
Yep my sister was the golden child and scapegoat times. Meanwhile I was always the invisible child. I was not only abused by my father but also by my sister. She repeated the abusive cycle she suffered by my dad on me.
Yep my sister was the golden child and scapegoat times. Meanwhile I was always the invisible child. I was not only abused by my father but also by my sister. She repeated the abusive cycle she suffered by my dad on me.
Started out as golden child.......then became lost child at 11......then scape goat in my 20's. Iv went no contact and lost all my extended family, siblings, aunties , uncles etc. If I have to bear this pain to protect my children I'm willing to do that
When there’s a disagreement, someone will inevitably, most likely, be disappointed in me... So I engage in any and every disagreement in a way that ensures, that the person disappointed in me, never ends up being me! I aim to never repress, never suppress. I aim to never lose a part of myself. Radical honesty only: 100% of the time. Always, all ways.
Wow., never have i felt so in tuned with an analysis... it's like watching a video about me and how i live and felt during my childhood in details... i was the third child and never had a room all my life. My golden child bro and even my scapegoat sis had each a room. I was sleeping everywhere and nowhere.. my belongings are scattered around sometimes thrown. Ive developped maladaptive daydreaming. I once broke my clavicle and went through surgery while living under them, they absolutely have no clue til today. They have no clue about anythg going on in my life as a matter of fact, nor had i ever felt inclined to share anythg either. I'm also weirdly evasive whenever friends ask about careers or my current partner. I could go on with the list. This is so accurate it's both scary and fascinating
Thank you so much for your feedback and more so for sharing your experience. I’m glad you found the video helpful and hope you’re in a better place today
Yes invisible. I avoid the spotlight.... even well into adulthood. I let others take the credit for my ideas at work.One of my teachers early in my education wrote to my mom concerned that I wouldnt answer questions that she knew I knew the answer to. I wasnt the smart one... that was my sister. She was allowed to be smart. She and only she was allowed to be smart.Yes invisible. The girl who hid in the closet with a book. Best friend was a cat. Yes Im the third child.
I'm the 4th of 7 an a mix of the lost and scapegoat. More a scapegoat when young lost as a adult unwilling to be a scapegoat now I'm a black sheep or lost cause depending on which family member you ask.
I'm having a lot of difficulties with my lower back now I'm in my 60s, and I'm convinced it's because I've spent my life curled forward in a protective posture. The smaller and quieter I could be, the more I could escape being noticed, the better life was. I never dared to stand tall and proud because that was literally asking to be shot down by numerous family members. Narcissistic abuse is the 'gift' that keeps on giving. Even when the abuser finally leaves this world I have been damaged beyond repair physically, on top of the psychological journey.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I didn't even know I was the lost child or came from a narcissistic family until I stumbled upon this video. It made me sob as it was describing me and the pain I have felt during my childhood. I never understood why I felt so inadequate and lonely. I am better now. A move to another country, away from my family, helped me find my voice and my inner self. My first months at a new job I loved, I couldn't comprehend why people would seek to talk to me and seemed to enjoy my presence, as I had always remained outside of friend groups. Never dared to bother anyone. Gosh, this was a slap in the face, but a good one. What is the solution for a narcissitic family? How to mend these unbalanced/broken bonds?
Thank you for your kind feedback I’m glad you found it interesting. I’ve a playlist and some livestreams looking at recovery if there’s anything there you might find helpful?
I was a lost child until I was old enough to be good at sports. Then I became the golden child until I got too old for sports. Then I became the lost child again.
Boy did I read a lot of books 📚😳😐 generous & self sacrificing. When relatives see me it's, "Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!" I'm in recovery & putting it behind me, under my feet. Great video
Interesting you say third child. I was a third child, I recognize pretty much everything you've outlined here, and I'd consider my family of origin to have been dysfunctional and cult like
I was the 3rd child out of 5 and I spent my childhood in the bedroom upstairs very far away from my family. I raised myself. What I did do wrong was pursue friendships and love relationships with people who were emotionally unavailable. As an adult I was going to prove to myself that I was valuable by convincing someone who really didn't want me that I was worth it. That did not work out very well. I am almost 64 years old and will no longer commit that error again. As a child I made myself into a ghost. I was very, very obedient so that I would not get into trouble. I can honestly say that I despise my mother for what she did to her children. Two of her 5 children still speak to her. They were mostly the Golden Children: the first born son and the youngest daughter. She took turns using them as a weapon against me. I no longer speak to these three abusers. I am much happier for it and look forward to the remainder of my life being away from these sick individuals.
Sounds like me. I was obedient, didn’t ask for much, was a people pleaser, selfless. Had superficial friendships/relationships. Now I question who I am.
I too am 'The Third Child'. It is so uncanny hearing this all explained in such a detailed way; it's like watching a film of my life. My older sister - the eldest - was the Scapegoat. My older brother, the Golden Child. My younger sister - the youngest - replaced my brother somewhat later on as a Replacement Golden Child when my brother married a dysfunctional woman that my mother (rightfully) hated. I was the Lost/Invisible chid. I was expected to stay home and take of my mother. I was expected to do all grunt work at my mother's house. But I finally revolted and built a life of my own. A couple of years ago, I had finally had enough of the hero worship from my older sister of my older, control freak, bully, overtly narcissistic brother and wrote out in an email the family history and how I was trashed. Now, few within the family speak to me which is GREAT! I then voted with my feet and went complete No Contact. This has been oh so freeing! Life is so good when one removes the toxic people from one's life which all too often come in the form of supposed friends and family.
Wow. I always heard of the golden child & the scapegoat, and my sister & I often just wondered did we kind of fill both roles at different times. Now hearing this, I believe I'm more the lost child. My nephew is now definitely the golden child. It's only the last couple of years (in the run-up to my 40th) that my eyes have been opened more to how my mother really treats us. She tries to control my sister's raising of my nephew & constantly attacks us. I've learned to be a people-pleaser - to the extent that I've been stuck back at home for a decade now with mum's ill health being a torturous situation making me feel trapped. Then ironically, the pandemic did actually trap me. I'm more ready to move on now than ever. My dad is very passive in it all, any wonder in some ways, but he needs to stand up to her. Which of course is almost impossible. It's like a brick wall. As a Christian, I do pray for a miraculous change, but even if that doesn't happen, I know God will take care of me, even when I doubt it. He is the One who holds on to me in it, even when I feel I'm not holding very tightly to Him. Thank you for this video.
You've just described me to a t. I grew up in a narcissistic family. Then I married a narcissist and stayed married 27 years. All of my work situations have been unhealthy and led to me being overworked. I wonder how I can change my programming to escape repeating an endless cycle.
whenever someone gives me "too much" I react, feel overwhelmed and act rejecting and isolating myself. I even don't feel ok to feel like a lost child. I hear the words like "oh are you discrediting our family? you don't know anything, you are wrong to feel this way" so that I can be invisible again. For a long time I considered the feedbacks they gave me, now I'm in a position that they react everything I do and have and all they want is me being nonexisting which I tried to gave them. My whole existence was burden to them. The mom never saw me yet abused me as a trash can for complains and as a male after my father's death. My brother, who is the golden child, supressed me whenever I get ahead of him as a person and as another male. It wasn't so hard to get ahead of him as he is not the best at anything. And it was killing me because having the ability to achieve things, recieving love and attention for who I was, being flirty, and accepting the male side of me was a threat to him. (Now I know in a healthy family those were something to encourage so the person can do more of them. ) Because he was aware he was not capable to do it and he was safe and favorite in this abusive family structure. So I disowned my positive aspects. And whenever someone saw and tried to connect with those aspects I rejected and even get angry to them as I was not allowed to own it and be an individual. The scapegoat put the blame on me for everything. So I am raised like there is no reality beyond that house and this is the best I can ever have. They were the best brother, mother and father that I ever have. The other families were lame. And I believed. And now I know, my reality is the shared fantasy of a fucking narsisist. I always tried to solve life's problems. Why is it like this? Why should life go this way? Why people act like this, why males must do this, why people can't be more open? Why X, Why Z? And in my age of 30, I see that those questions are invalid for the real life. Life was not like this at the first place. *The thing I believed to be my fantasy was actually the reality which rejected by my family.* I was able to connect with the world. I was able to support and defence myself. I was able to be assertive, accepting and was able to glorify my aspects, my approaches on things and the way I do things. And yet, all those were threats. Even when I'm writing those my reality shifts time to time. Once I feel like those are things a father should be proud of, and then I tell myself you are self grandiosing stop it. Now I'm on my way to reclaim and own my reality but it's hard. It's hard as I became scapegoat when I acted out honestly. And I wasn't aware of the term of golden child, but now it makes sense, because when I acted out the most threatened person was the golden child and he attacked me. (He was supressing me with the silent threat of attacking, when I picked up the courage, it happened.) I completely ignored him and never have in my life again. And he attacked me physically. Yet I'm still fearing, when I live away from them, my fear supressed me. Being mirrorless was treathening differently from having a broken mirror. I don't know how it's gonna end. But I, now, know I deserve better. And I should trust the world's reaction to my actions, rather than echoing voices in my head which are completely seperated from reality and always aims to make me still.
Older sister (6 years older) - Golden Child Me, Middle Sister - Lost Child Youngest Sister (11 months younger) - Scapegoat Funnily enough both sisters would hang up on me and call me the golden child… convenient considering my survival game plan was to be compliant and invisible to avoid parents wrath so on the service it appeared I was the golden child but that was me 2 sisters playing out my parents roles making me the scapegoat to exile and take their frustration out on. I journaled, always had my head in a book, and when the golden child or scapegoat wasn’t available I got moved up to play both roles. Shitty situation. Thank you for seeing us.
I am the third and last child, the one they had in hopes of having a son, but ended up having three daughters instead. I was the lost child. My parents never attended any parent-teacher meetings at school, I had to go alone to big life events alone like getting myself admitted to high school, getting vaccinated, making my national ID card etc.; where people usually were accompanied by their parents. I also got lesser financial resources as they had spent more on my older two siblings and also convinced me that they don’t have much money left for me. So I almost never let them know of my needs and tried to live with the bare minimum. Even if I did, they refused to meet my needs or made me feel like a burden for having them. Now, I navigate through life as much invisible as possible as well, I don’t voice my opinions or needs, and let others have what they want, often at the expense of myself.
I’m the oldest but definitely a lost child. But my family is a divorced family so there were new children introduced to take over the Golden child role. Interesting! This definitely helps me understand myself better.
You hit the nail on the head for my experience. Especially for the part of trying to be as invisible as possible, even now in adult hood. Sounds like the lost child is the scapegoat child. Are these different names for the same thing, or is the lost child and scapegoat child the same?
I was the third child. There were a number of years difference between me and my siblings. Other than my grandmother, I was pretty much ignored by everyone. I remember sitting up in bed late one night, and saying to myself that “these people are weird”. I sought parental vibes from teachers and the parents of friends. I quietly did what I wanted to do. I only seemed compliant. When my grandmother died, and my older siblings left the house, my father turned his narcissistic rages on me. But I was already too old. I quietly did well enough in high school to get scholarships to go to college to escape.
Second child….lost …tried hard not to be too “golden” to avoid issues….parents truly loved my creativity and the ease of my being, but at a cost to me. As an adult, I felt quite lost. Hard time in jobs, making decisions, relationships, just couldn’t find my way….finally, in my forties, I began to build a life, bought homes, met a good man….never too late to “be found.” Interesting, this happened after both of my parents passed away.
Thank you Darren, this describes so much my ex boyfriend and his enmeshed family. Is it possible that despite the childhood emotional neglect and abuse, as an adult, they stay close and idealise their parents still? My ex is a 39 yo man, I was his first girlfriend in a real relationship and he was riddled with doubts, fears of intimacy, as times loving at times fearful of me, not comfortable to be himself and to share his feelings. And constantly looking for advice from his mother (probably narc or borderline, very intrusive) or sister... As if he can't think for himself and make a decision on his own. His mom said he's independent and she wonders why "he was even dating", and I am sure she comforted him in thinking he should break up and find someone else. He was difficult as a child he said, with ADHD, bullied.. And his parents valued other siblings for their academic success. HIs mom was over controlling he said. So why is it that he is still enmeshed with them now at 39, and doesn't detach to build his own life? Is it to belong to the family cult? He doesn't honour his needs, and self-neglect his health. So, when he ended our relationship and I know he loved me, it's like he doesn't value his own desires and needs for a relationship?
Thanks for this as it most closely describes my experience. In college I stood in front of a store window just to experience people maneuvering around me - it was proof I existed. But I am better now. Because I can sing! I took voice lessons and it was literally like finding my voice. But why would anyone WANT to hear me? How could I send my voice over everyone when I grew up having NO voice? It was a crazy thing to me. BUT just recently I sang in Front of people freely and uninhibited for the first time. It was an amazing feeling to be heard. No one knows how much I over came psychologically to do that.
It is me too. My mom was being shamed by others as they were saying how lucky they are but she was only taking those about her kids and then coming to me saying they say my daughter does this for me what about your daughter! And she was coming and telling me do these for me… The things she was asking were out of my ability to do. She was never proud of how great her kids in particular me I am compared to those other woman who were shaming her. She was also never ashamed of herself to look at them to live better. Only wanting more from me. Never noticing this daughter is having so many challenges in her life. I was amazed by how self centered she is and which type of a mother she is. Very much amazed. You know when you had a mother but she was dead but still you can’t believe how come this is possible
Wow, thank you for this. I am the youngest of four and not planned, so I was definitely the lost child. You put into words what I have tried to describe for years. I moved in with my sister when I was 16 to save my life and sanity and they barely noticed. It didn't matter what I did, so long as I was quiet about existing while I did it. I was in band and sports. My parents showed up if my sister drove them, it was in town, and the moon was just right. Besides that, they had no idea. I know that this being the common experience really proves that it wasn't my fault, but I don't wish this on anyone.
Wow! Lost Child most of my childhood, until I got well into puberty, and started asserting myself somewhat, which was met with escalating physical and verbal violence from my egregiously sick, sadistic, pathologically angry mother. She provoked, and provoked and provoked me, Battle Ax of the 20th Century, until I just couldn't take it anymore. Then the SG role shifted from my older brother (2nd born) to me (3rd born). What a sh*tty hand of cards....from Lost Child to Scapegoat. There was nowhere to turn, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. My mother wanted me dead. I truly felt like my life was in danger living under the same roof with her. IP - sent to psychiatrist at age 13, who understood I was a "good barometer" for the family dysfunction. Lord come quickly!!
I was the lost child in my family. I'd like a video on how is the life of a lost child in adulthood. I have had bad relations, I've been Mobbed at job. Everything seems threatening. I' ve been in therapy for a long time without any results. I've been isolated for a long time, so scared of people! Thinking that I did not deserve friendship or love. I'm now on therapy for childhood trauma, making progress. But my live has been so sad, always suffering, not knowing that I was the lost child.
I was mainly the scapegoat but I certainly recognize the lost child in myself. I know they were my sisters. My brother was a raging bully but protected us from the worst of my mother. I tried to protect my sisters from my brother. I wasn't good at it.
Infx here!!! 💕 Love and blessings to the other sensitive souls out there. It's time to find our place in this world... Now that we're free of the cult of narcissism we don't have to be lonely anymore! I personally believe we're meant to find our voice, get together, and make a change with all the wisdom our solitude has gained. Highly sensitive people need to stand up! ❤
I'm the 2nd of 4, but not wanted, born at a difficult time in my parents' marriage when my narcissistic mother was considering divorce. I recognise both the Scapegoat and the Invisible child in myself. My mother blamed me for every bad thing, regularly accused me of lying and caused me to have an unjustified reputation within the extended families of both sides as a liar who couldn't be trusted. My older sister was initially the Golden Child because she was very premature and needed a lot of medical attention, but the title laterly went to my younger brother, born after my parents reconciliated. She then became the Tattle-Tale/Enabler ratiing me out on any little thing, probably to get attention from my mother, but also embedding my reputation as a liar since she was responsible for most of the actions I was accused of. As an adult I hate liars, which probably does not make me very diplomatic. I hate being made to feel like a fool through lies, I'd prefer others to be straight with me. I also have always struggled to make friends - I never learned as a child. My sister and I went to the same primary school, a year apart, but she was moved down to my year, claiming to have been bullied by a teacher, but in retrospect she was probably too immature, spoiled and wouldn't behave. She promptly took over my friend group and became the ringleader, allowing me to hang out with them with conditions always attached. I was always quiet, tried not to bring attention to myself. I don't stay in touch with people because I see now that most of my relationships with "friends" were mostly superficial and were never going to be permanent. I don't keep in touch with anyone from either primary school, secondary school or university. Even now, I tell my mother and sister as little as physically possible. My relationships are my own. I hated being forced to introduce friends/boyfriends to either of them, hated that both of them could be charismatic and charming, but also could subtly devalue me. My late husband pointed this out to me after finally meeting my mother for the 1st time, saw her for what she was/still is, and it was a revelation to me that someone could actually see through her facade and support me.
I definitely resonated with this one too. These videos help me put my experiences into context and explain why I developed certain issues, so thanks for that!
Somehow I was the lost child and the golden child. My sister was the scapegoat and she got the brunt of my mom's Wrath. While I was ignored save for her to laud praise onto me for me for being quiet and unassuming. I was the third child and stayed in my room playing video games. Because of that I got into a really abusive relationship and I find it really hard to make friends
As the ONLY child of a SINGLE narc mother, I feel like at different times I played all these roles: lost, golden, scapegoat, etc. Is that likely or possible in your opinion?
@@DarrenFMageeif there is a video now about switching roles or taking on a bit of each at different times or in different circumstances I would be very interested to watch it. Although majority lost child behaviour til mid teens there are other ingredients in there too that I would like to understand. I avoided being bullied outside of the home at secondary school although constantly aware of the threat, feeling like a target. Thanks to the person in the comments that gave me the answer that the nephew was the golden child. I was trying to figure out who was the golden child! Thank you Darren for a great video. Very concise and precise. Lots of insights.
Yeah only after I turned 28 or so did I find out its unusual to not remember anything more than seconds long between age 2 and 10. I was a scapegoat and lost child 4th out of 8.
I have a child with a severely Narcissistic mother who comes from a family like this. I never noticed it until recently after doing so much thinking and research. They are a family with 7 children and they are all just so perfect it's weird but i always felt like something wasn't right. My daughters mother is the oldest and has so many different levels and layers of the disorder it makes me crazy just trying to unravel it but after watching a lot of your videos I have figured it out. Also after hearing how nasty her mother can be behind the fake smiles. Her father also seems to come from from an abusive family and just doesn't talk much and if he does it's very soft. For a long time i thought she was just a spoiled brat and that's why she always needed compliments and always seeking attention from anywhere, but now I think she suffers from conditional love or never getting what she needed from her mother. She's managed over the last 2 years to triangulate me through her family to make me the bad guy and her the hero and victim. She takes no responsibility for anything because of the shame she would face from the family for getting pregnant and not being married. Anyway I could go on forever about the unbelievable episodes of rage. Thanks for all the help !!
My brother is the lost child hes the 3rd one and my mother never even wishes him happy birthdays she's such a negligent mother and you described him to the T
I'm an only child . My mother was brutally abusive . Is it possible for a parent to make you play every role ? I feel like I was required to play every role depending on her mood .
Thank you for your work. I would like to add some associated problems: with a narcissist parent the other family members seem to be loving. Not seldomly the enablers in the familiy are not healthy characters too. So you learn to interprete doubtable character traits as beeing "good" cause it seems so in comparison to the narcissist parent. In reality you are prone to other, maybe milder ways of abuse, cause you are blind for them.
I have been smoking weed nonstop...to deal with all the Information of psychopath and narcissist mother and father did to us...the pain has been surreal...happiness is here now and to stay
Is it possible to be both the scapegoat and the lost child? I had told my boyfriend that my dad either abused me or ignored me. The abuse was so bad that I looked forward to being ignored. My boyfriend told me that being ignored is also a form of abuse. That was years ago before I knew terms like scapegoat, goldenchild, etc. So now I wonder if my role was both the scapegoat and the lost child, depending on which one served my parent's need at that particular time.
My older sister is the 3rd child, and I would say this described her fairly well. She's definitely passive-aggressive, and codependent, and she enables narcissist, after narcissist, after narcissist. She cannot stand me. I speak the truth, and it enrages her. lol She's like an ostrich that willingly puts her head underground, sweeping all the bad shit under the rug like "nothing to see here, it never happened".
It's in vogue to push therapy as a panacea but I've actually been more helped by articles, books, and RUclips videos by therapists who understand these family dynamics: - videos explaining Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb - Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma (trauma does NOT just mean being beaten or yelled at - being a Lost Child qualifies!) - Patrick Teahan's great RUclips channel on childhood trauma recovery (some of his shorts are hilarious ; - ). Special mention: his role plays of inner child work with his mentor Amanda Curtin - the classic book Homecoming by John Bradshaw on inner child work (transformative!) - videos by Dr. Ingrid Clayton (funny!), Jay Reid, and Dr. Ramani for validation and advice specific to narcissism Also helpful: - googling ways to regulate the nervous system after childhood trauma and trying some ideas that sound good to you (e.g. taking a walk, noticing nature, mindfulness meditation, petting an animal, dancing, singing, tai chi...) - "corrective experiences" getting out of the family's orbit and giving yourself a chance to find out things you're good at and/or valued for (for me this came through, school, work, and friendships) - journaling about thoughts and feelings - using a feelings chart and building skill at noticing and honoring feelings - The life-changing concepts of CBT or DBT (even without doing the exercises consistently ; - ) a. Lists of common cognitive distortions, b. The MAGIC that if thoughts lead to feelings, addressing the thoughts can sometimes (not always) help with the feelings! Amazing! - being a friend to yourself--including improving self-talk - making a "dysfunctional family tree" of all the issues in the family as far back as you have information (helps you see *it wasn't about you!*) - practicing assertiveness and boundaries (start with low-stakes situations to build comfort and skill) - cutting out or limiting contact with toxic people - pursuing personal interests - learning your love languages and lavishing yourself with abundant care and kindness Best wishes to you! : - )
I hasten to mention that therapy with someone who really gets childhood trauma and narcissism or is at least affirming and interactive could be great, I just haven't yet found anyone like that personally. My attempts at therapy with a number of "blank slate" therapists who intentionally don't show emotion or give feedback actually made me feel MORE damaged and unfixable for a while, which makes sense in retrospect because they were replicating the emotional neglect of my childhood! (No mirroring, empathy, compassion, or guidance!) I found it very validating to learn recently that that isn't an uncommon experience among other childhood trauma/neglect survivors.
I was the Scapegoat for my raging, abusive, alcoholic father. I look just like my mother, so maybe that was why he beat me and raged at me, even as a preschooler. I was the invisible/lost child to my enabling, codependent, neglectful, voided out mother. By 12, my will had been broken and I became primarily invisible. Unless, my Dad spotted me when he was in a rage, I avoided beatings. Although, there was that choking incident in my late teens. However, my Golden Child older sister insists that I stay the Scapegoat. My father taught me that I could do no right. He taught me that independence was to be beaten out of a child. He taught me to hide. She taught me not to expect anything. She taught me to be a codependent, people pleaser. I am her full-time caregiver. They both taught me that I didn't matter, that I was in the way. It isn't that you just get to play one role in a dysfunctional family. You get to be beaten and forgotten at school. You are physically uncared for and raged at for looking uncared for.
I grew up in a disfunctional family that screams narcassitic cult at least to myself tho others seem to be very blind to it and id very much like to share my story from what i understand in these vids i am the scape goat my younger sister is the golden child and sadly my youngest sister is the lost child and it really sucks that due to unfortunate circumstance i cant have relationship with my youngest sister who is the only family member i can remotely handle to be around but i fear the consequences of trying to have a relationship with my sister and what i may suffer from myother for it
Feels very familiar, although I was an only child. Can you do anything about the subtitles? The auto-generated ones turned your "mirror" at 6:15 into "murder", causing quite some confusion.
Guys. If it is possible at all don't go no contact. If you can reconnect or build any relationship try it out. If it is a family member worth building with. If both parents are evil maybe you have brother/grandad or someone. If it is siblings that are rotten then connect with parents. It is hard because there is often something someone who is a deal breaker.
Yes, I think so.. I was the invisible/lost child up until middle school age. Then I became the golden child. It was so confusing. Im in therapy and am reading a book on CEN. Im in my 60s and am amazed there are names and explanations for everything I went through in my childhood. My parents are both gone now so I'm free to open up and talk about it. Im becoming healthier. They say one of the best ways to heal is to give back what you didn't receive. I now have granddaughters and im making them feel loved and seen.. ❤
Haha this is sad but it’s totally me. I avoid attention and don’t even have Facebook. I never wanted a wedding because I didn’t want the attention, I hid in my room and remember thinking “I can make my room my world.”, me just being around was an inconvenience..
Well one thing that bugs me about this analysis is it never accounts for the fact when u go to school make friends go to there houses to play you soon see how screwed up ur parents really are
Because it’s an analysis about this particular role in an abusive household. This isn’t something uniquely held for that role. Any role can come to that same conclusion
I've been reading The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori. It's so powerful that I can only read a few pages at a time. There's also a couple if books by Jonice Webb on CEN.
These are some things that have helped me. : - ) I've actually been more helped by articles, books, and RUclips videos by therapists who understand these family dynamics than therapy in real life (which is convenient because it costs way less! : - ) - videos explaining Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb - Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma (trauma does NOT just mean being beaten or yelled at - being a Lost Child qualifies!) - Patrick Teahan's great RUclips channel on childhood trauma recovery (some of his shorts are hilarious ; - ). Special mention: his role plays of inner child work with his mentor Amanda Curtin - the classic book Homecoming by John Bradshaw on inner child work (transformative!) - videos by Dr. Ingrid Clayton (funny!), Jay Reid, and Dr. Ramani for validation and advice specific to narcissism Also helpful: - googling ways to regulate the nervous system after childhood trauma and trying some ideas that sound good to you (e.g. taking a walk, noticing nature, mindfulness meditation, petting an animal, dancing, singing, tai chi...) - "corrective experiences" getting out of the family's orbit and giving yourself a chance to find out things you're good at and/or valued for (for me this came through, school, work, and friendships) - journaling about thoughts and feelings - using a feelings chart and building skill at noticing and honoring feelings - The life-changing concepts of CBT or DBT (even without doing the exercises consistently ; - ) a. Lists of common cognitive distortions, b. The MAGIC that if thoughts lead to feelings, addressing the thoughts can sometimes (not always) help with the feelings! Amazing! - being a friend to yourself--including improving self-talk - making a "dysfunctional family tree" of all the issues in the family as far back as you have information (helps you see *it wasn't about you!*) - practicing assertiveness and boundaries (start with low-stakes situations to build comfort and skill) - cutting out or limiting contact with toxic people - pursuing personal interests - learning your love languages and lavishing yourself with abundant care and kindness Best wishes to you! : - )
Yep, well and truly lost. Never seen at Xmas, birthdays nothing. Rather suck up to abusers of both of us and imagines he's in the delusional fantasy living off crumbs while treating a parent that does care like a stranger. Im a snippet off total no contact with all, you chose it, as a full adult, maybe your just an another of them bastards. .using their tactics, another ignorant look away abuser happy to ignore pain even if your own heart . Humiliating yourself and a highly sensitive mum at your own cost. Makes me wish these abusers were gone forever, disappear . I hate them for making a beautiful kid a heartless person he was never meant to be. I'd kill anyone who hurt my mum not tell her to shut up but I give up. I'll stay alone. Maybe it's better that way, what kind of relationship with a family member is this, fake. It doesn't fucking care. Sorry about the language parental alienation and psychological manipulation should be an imprisonment offence. The damage seems only to the one with a heart. Gave my last today, not trying to buy love just show what it means to give unconditionally, it may as well have been set on fire. My own adult child Stuck up for his mums bullies the whole dinner, how great it was staying there, im disgusted by his ignorance. I wonder if he would give a shit if I go no contact ever again. Its not worth seeing and giving to a two faced person I don't know anymore, not like that character I don't.
The videos I make are topics suggested by you the viewer. Feel free to suggest any mental health or psychology subjects you'd like me to cover in future videos. Just a reminder though, these videos are not a substitute for support from a mental health professional.
Could you please describe more about the Phrase "more like a cult"
i really think this topics are really complicated not just like we can disscuss them as we speak. but still i think there might be a solution.
Lost child: feel nothing in order to avoid trauma. Doing things alone, daydream, fantasy, TV that's all so me. Great video!
That’s my whole childhood
Same
I was not only the invisible child, but also the scapegoat. Fun times.
Me too. The scapegoating is intergenerational. My nieces and nephews have joined in.
Yes, I came here to express my observation that the roles in my family were not fixed. In the context of academics, I was the Golden Child. In the context of daily life, often the Lost Child, when expressing my personality or non-acceptable desires (e.g., normal adult romantic relationships) I was the Scapegoat.
I have two other siblings who also played these roles, but it was never truly fixed or stable that one was ALWAYS the lost or golden or mascot or whatever. The roles were just another place for the instability to demonstrate itself.
We raise ourselves.
Sometimes yes other's no. I was making good money married with a great job in my early 20s but realized I was still sad or angry all the time which only made things worse. It took me destroying my life for nearly a decade to change things. I hate admitting that only after I accepted God and Yesuha Christ did I start to get better but it's obvious. I never struggled to be kind to other's or care about other's but couldn't do so for myself. Only after accepting Christ did I realize forgiveness of those that most harmed you and loving them is nessecry for forgiveness an love for yourself.
@@beareble-lion4446 There have always been snakes in the garden, and some of them wear human skin. God is welcome to love and forgive them. Loving and forgiving myself and those who DON'T continually hurt others with no remorse works just fine for me.
God raised me...And no, l am not religious and do not believe in Jesus Christ ❤
Third and last child. Middle brother was the golden child, oldest was fellow Lost/Scapegoated Child. Being ignored felt extra devaluing because my mother spent hours talking to my golden child brother every night. So grateful for the internet and healing information like this. Thank you!
@mamta_6996_ Hugs to you. < : - ) ❤
I was mom's golden child when I was in school and she had something to brag about. When I wasn't seen as valuable to brag about I become the lost child. It's interesting how roles change throughout life.
Yep my sister was the golden child and scapegoat times. Meanwhile I was always the invisible child.
I was not only abused by my father but also by my sister. She repeated the abusive cycle she suffered by my dad on me.
Yep my sister was the golden child and scapegoat times. Meanwhile I was always the invisible child.
I was not only abused by my father but also by my sister. She repeated the abusive cycle she suffered by my dad on me.
Thank you for validating my own questioned reality with this - you've been a blessing 💕🙏Numbers 6 v 24-26.
Started out as golden child.......then became lost child at 11......then scape goat in my 20's. Iv went no contact and lost all my extended family, siblings, aunties , uncles etc. If I have to bear this pain to protect my children I'm willing to do that
This resonates with me and been meaning to ask if one can be both a golden and lost child, or depends?
When there’s a disagreement,
someone will inevitably,
most likely,
be disappointed in me...
So I engage in any and every disagreement
in a way that ensures,
that the person disappointed in me,
never ends up being me!
I aim to never repress,
never suppress.
I aim to never lose a part of myself.
Radical honesty only:
100% of the time.
Always,
all ways.
Wow., never have i felt so in tuned with an analysis... it's like watching a video about me and how i live and felt during my childhood in details... i was the third child and never had a room all my life. My golden child bro and even my scapegoat sis had each a room. I was sleeping everywhere and nowhere.. my belongings are scattered around sometimes thrown. Ive developped maladaptive daydreaming. I once broke my clavicle and went through surgery while living under them, they absolutely have no clue til today. They have no clue about anythg going on in my life as a matter of fact, nor had i ever felt inclined to share anythg either. I'm also weirdly evasive whenever friends ask about careers or my current partner. I could go on with the list. This is so accurate it's both scary and fascinating
Thank you so much for your feedback and more so for sharing your experience. I’m glad you found the video helpful and hope you’re in a better place today
Me too
@ShaekuenC I'm so sorry that happened to you. You deserved better.
Yes invisible. I avoid the spotlight.... even well into adulthood. I let others take the credit for my ideas at work.One of my teachers early in my education wrote to my mom concerned that I wouldnt answer questions that she knew I knew the answer to. I wasnt the smart one... that was my sister. She was allowed to be smart. She and only she was allowed to be smart.Yes invisible. The girl who hid in the closet with a book. Best friend was a cat. Yes Im the third child.
Thank you for sharing. Hope you’re in a better place today
I'm the 4th of 7 an a mix of the lost and scapegoat. More a scapegoat when young lost as a adult unwilling to be a scapegoat now I'm a black sheep or lost cause depending on which family member you ask.
I'm having a lot of difficulties with my lower back now I'm in my 60s, and I'm convinced it's because I've spent my life curled forward in a protective posture. The smaller and quieter I could be, the more I could escape being noticed, the better life was. I never dared to stand tall and proud because that was literally asking to be shot down by numerous family members. Narcissistic abuse is the 'gift' that keeps on giving. Even when the abuser finally leaves this world I have been damaged beyond repair physically, on top of the psychological journey.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I didn't even know I was the lost child or came from a narcissistic family until I stumbled upon this video. It made me sob as it was describing me and the pain I have felt during my childhood. I never understood why I felt so inadequate and lonely.
I am better now. A move to another country, away from my family, helped me find my voice and my inner self.
My first months at a new job I loved, I couldn't comprehend why people would seek to talk to me and seemed to enjoy my presence, as I had always remained outside of friend groups. Never dared to bother anyone.
Gosh, this was a slap in the face, but a good one.
What is the solution for a narcissitic family? How to mend these unbalanced/broken bonds?
Thank you for your kind feedback I’m glad you found it interesting. I’ve a playlist and some livestreams looking at recovery if there’s anything there you might find helpful?
Growing up in a narcissistic home, I can tell you with my personal experience it’s like a never ending battle because they can’t take accountability
I was a lost child until I was old enough to be good at sports. Then I became the golden child until I got too old for sports. Then I became the lost child again.
That is sadly often the case
Boy did I read a lot of books 📚😳😐 generous & self sacrificing. When relatives see me it's, "Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!" I'm in recovery & putting it behind me, under my feet. Great video
Omw! I got called Santa clause too!!!
@@sihaamlagardien8369 I understand
Interesting you say third child. I was a third child, I recognize pretty much everything you've outlined here, and I'd consider my family of origin to have been dysfunctional and cult like
I’m glad you found it useful
Im also the third child and i was scape goat and invisible child
I was the 3rd child out of 5 and I spent my childhood in the bedroom upstairs very far away from my family. I raised myself. What I did do wrong was pursue friendships and love relationships with people who were emotionally unavailable. As an adult I was going to prove to myself that I was valuable by convincing someone who really didn't want me that I was worth it. That did not work out very well. I am almost 64 years old and will no longer commit that error again.
As a child I made myself into a ghost. I was very, very obedient so that I would not get into trouble. I can honestly say that I despise my mother for what she did to her children. Two of her 5 children still speak to her. They were mostly the Golden Children: the first born son and the youngest daughter. She took turns using them as a weapon against me. I no longer speak to these three abusers. I am much happier for it and look forward to the remainder of my life being away from these sick individuals.
Sounds like me. I was obedient, didn’t ask for much, was a people pleaser, selfless. Had superficial friendships/relationships. Now I question who I am.
I too am 'The Third Child'. It is so uncanny hearing this all explained in such a detailed way; it's like watching a film of my life. My older sister - the eldest - was the Scapegoat. My older brother, the Golden Child. My younger sister - the youngest - replaced my brother somewhat later on as a Replacement Golden Child when my brother married a dysfunctional woman that my mother (rightfully) hated. I was the Lost/Invisible chid. I was expected to stay home and take of my mother. I was expected to do all grunt work at my mother's house. But I finally revolted and built a life of my own. A couple of years ago, I had finally had enough of the hero worship from my older sister of my older, control freak, bully, overtly narcissistic brother and wrote out in an email the family history and how I was trashed. Now, few within the family speak to me which is GREAT! I then voted with my feet and went complete No Contact. This has been oh so freeing! Life is so good when one removes the toxic people from one's life which all too often come in the form of supposed friends and family.
Good for you!!
Wow. I always heard of the golden child & the scapegoat, and my sister & I often just wondered did we kind of fill both roles at different times. Now hearing this, I believe I'm more the lost child. My nephew is now definitely the golden child. It's only the last couple of years (in the run-up to my 40th) that my eyes have been opened more to how my mother really treats us. She tries to control my sister's raising of my nephew & constantly attacks us. I've learned to be a people-pleaser - to the extent that I've been stuck back at home for a decade now with mum's ill health being a torturous situation making me feel trapped. Then ironically, the pandemic did actually trap me. I'm more ready to move on now than ever. My dad is very passive in it all, any wonder in some ways, but he needs to stand up to her. Which of course is almost impossible. It's like a brick wall. As a Christian, I do pray for a miraculous change, but even if that doesn't happen, I know God will take care of me, even when I doubt it. He is the One who holds on to me in it, even when I feel I'm not holding very tightly to Him. Thank you for this video.
You’re welcome. Thank you for sharing and I’m glad you found it helpful
Thanks for the info - you can never have too much info on narcissistic personality disorders
You've just described me to a t. I grew up in a narcissistic family. Then I married a narcissist and stayed married 27 years. All of my work situations have been unhealthy and led to me being overworked. I wonder how I can change my programming to escape repeating an endless cycle.
Take time to discover your self worth
whenever someone gives me "too much" I react, feel overwhelmed and act rejecting and isolating myself. I even don't feel ok to feel like a lost child. I hear the words like "oh are you discrediting our family? you don't know anything, you are wrong to feel this way" so that I can be invisible again. For a long time I considered the feedbacks they gave me, now I'm in a position that they react everything I do and have and all they want is me being nonexisting which I tried to gave them. My whole existence was burden to them. The mom never saw me yet abused me as a trash can for complains and as a male after my father's death. My brother, who is the golden child, supressed me whenever I get ahead of him as a person and as another male. It wasn't so hard to get ahead of him as he is not the best at anything. And it was killing me because having the ability to achieve things, recieving love and attention for who I was, being flirty, and accepting the male side of me was a threat to him. (Now I know in a healthy family those were something to encourage so the person can do more of them. ) Because he was aware he was not capable to do it and he was safe and favorite in this abusive family structure. So I disowned my positive aspects. And whenever someone saw and tried to connect with those aspects I rejected and even get angry to them as I was not allowed to own it and be an individual. The scapegoat put the blame on me for everything. So I am raised like there is no reality beyond that house and this is the best I can ever have. They were the best brother, mother and father that I ever have. The other families were lame. And I believed. And now I know, my reality is the shared fantasy of a fucking narsisist. I always tried to solve life's problems. Why is it like this? Why should life go this way? Why people act like this, why males must do this, why people can't be more open? Why X, Why Z? And in my age of 30, I see that those questions are invalid for the real life. Life was not like this at the first place. *The thing I believed to be my fantasy was actually the reality which rejected by my family.* I was able to connect with the world. I was able to support and defence myself. I was able to be assertive, accepting and was able to glorify my aspects, my approaches on things and the way I do things. And yet, all those were threats. Even when I'm writing those my reality shifts time to time. Once I feel like those are things a father should be proud of, and then I tell myself you are self grandiosing stop it.
Now I'm on my way to reclaim and own my reality but it's hard. It's hard as I became scapegoat when I acted out honestly. And I wasn't aware of the term of golden child, but now it makes sense, because when I acted out the most threatened person was the golden child and he attacked me. (He was supressing me with the silent threat of attacking, when I picked up the courage, it happened.) I completely ignored him and never have in my life again. And he attacked me physically. Yet I'm still fearing, when I live away from them, my fear supressed me. Being mirrorless was treathening differently from having a broken mirror. I don't know how it's gonna end. But I, now, know I deserve better. And I should trust the world's reaction to my actions, rather than echoing voices in my head which are completely seperated from reality and always aims to make me still.
Older sister (6 years older) - Golden Child
Me, Middle Sister - Lost Child
Youngest Sister (11 months younger) - Scapegoat
Funnily enough both sisters would hang up on me and call me the golden child… convenient considering my survival game plan was to be compliant and invisible to avoid parents wrath so on the service it appeared I was the golden child but that was me 2 sisters playing out my parents roles making me the scapegoat to exile and take their frustration out on. I journaled, always had my head in a book, and when the golden child or scapegoat wasn’t available I got moved up to play both roles. Shitty situation. Thank you for seeing us.
I am the third and last child, the one they had in hopes of having a son, but ended up having three daughters instead. I was the lost child. My parents never attended any parent-teacher meetings at school, I had to go alone to big life events alone like getting myself admitted to high school, getting vaccinated, making my national ID card etc.; where people usually were accompanied by their parents. I also got lesser financial resources as they had spent more on my older two siblings and also convinced me that they don’t have much money left for me. So I almost never let them know of my needs and tried to live with the bare minimum. Even if I did, they refused to meet my needs or made me feel like a burden for having them. Now, I navigate through life as much invisible as possible as well, I don’t voice my opinions or needs, and let others have what they want, often at the expense of myself.
Yep, I was raised to fail. I didn't know all this until the age of 58. So accurate.
God bless you
you just described me. This is a bit overwhelming. Thank you for your insight.
I’m the oldest but definitely a lost child. But my family is a divorced family so there were new children introduced to take over the Golden child role.
Interesting! This definitely helps me understand myself better.
I’m glad you found it helpful
You hit the nail on the head for my experience. Especially for the part of trying to be as invisible as possible, even now in adult hood. Sounds like the lost child is the scapegoat child. Are these different names for the same thing, or is the lost child and scapegoat child the same?
I was the third child. There were a number of years difference between me and my siblings. Other than my grandmother, I was pretty much ignored by everyone. I remember sitting up in bed late one night, and saying to myself that “these people are weird”. I sought parental vibes from teachers and the parents of friends. I quietly did what I wanted to do. I only seemed compliant. When my grandmother died, and my older siblings left the house, my father turned his narcissistic rages on me. But I was already too old. I quietly did well enough in high school to get scholarships to go to college to escape.
I cried all the way through your video.
Second child….lost …tried hard not to be too “golden” to avoid issues….parents truly loved my creativity and the ease of my being, but at a cost to me. As an adult, I felt quite lost. Hard time in jobs, making decisions, relationships, just couldn’t find my way….finally, in my forties, I began to build a life, bought homes, met a good man….never too late to “be found.” Interesting, this happened after both of my parents passed away.
Your analysis is interesting as always
Thank you
Thank you Darren, this describes so much my ex boyfriend and his enmeshed family. Is it possible that despite the childhood emotional neglect and abuse, as an adult, they stay close and idealise their parents still?
My ex is a 39 yo man, I was his first girlfriend in a real relationship and he was riddled with doubts, fears of intimacy, as times loving at times fearful of me, not comfortable to be himself and to share his feelings. And constantly looking for advice from his mother (probably narc or borderline, very intrusive) or sister... As if he can't think for himself and make a decision on his own. His mom said he's independent and she wonders why "he was even dating", and I am sure she comforted him in thinking he should break up and find someone else.
He was difficult as a child he said, with ADHD, bullied.. And his parents valued other siblings for their academic success. HIs mom was over controlling he said. So why is it that he is still enmeshed with them now at 39, and doesn't detach to build his own life?
Is it to belong to the family cult?
He doesn't honour his needs, and self-neglect his health. So, when he ended our relationship and I know he loved me, it's like he doesn't value his own desires and needs for a relationship?
Thanks for this as it most closely describes my experience. In college I stood in front of a store window just to experience people maneuvering around me - it was proof I existed. But I am better now. Because I can sing! I took voice lessons and it was literally like finding my voice. But why would anyone WANT to hear me? How could I send my voice over everyone when I grew up having NO voice? It was a crazy thing to me. BUT just recently I sang in Front of people freely and uninhibited for the first time. It was an amazing feeling to be heard. No one knows how much I over came psychologically to do that.
Me and my sister are escaping from this.. we are the scapegoats right now..
I am the oldest of three. I was the invisible child. I was very complying in order to stay out of drama. 💔
From the scapegoat in childhood to lost child as an adult separated from their family. Prefer to be invisible to the world
It is me too. My mom was being shamed by others as they were saying how lucky they are but she was only taking those about her kids and then coming to me saying they say my daughter does this for me what about your daughter! And she was coming and telling me do these for me… The things she was asking were out of my ability to do. She was never proud of how great her kids in particular me I am compared to those other woman who were shaming her. She was also never ashamed of herself to look at them to live better. Only wanting more from me. Never noticing this daughter is having so many challenges in her life. I was amazed by how self centered she is and which type of a mother she is. Very much amazed. You know when you had a mother but she was dead but still you can’t believe how come this is possible
Wow, thank you for this. I am the youngest of four and not planned, so I was definitely the lost child. You put into words what I have tried to describe for years. I moved in with my sister when I was 16 to save my life and sanity and they barely noticed. It didn't matter what I did, so long as I was quiet about existing while I did it. I was in band and sports. My parents showed up if my sister drove them, it was in town, and the moon was just right. Besides that, they had no idea.
I know that this being the common experience really proves that it wasn't my fault, but I don't wish this on anyone.
Thank you for this. Very insightful and absolutely correct.
Wow! Lost Child most of my childhood, until I got well into puberty, and started asserting myself somewhat, which was met with escalating physical and verbal violence from my egregiously sick, sadistic, pathologically angry mother. She provoked, and provoked and provoked me, Battle Ax of the 20th Century, until I just couldn't take it anymore. Then the SG role shifted from my older brother (2nd born) to me (3rd born). What a sh*tty hand of cards....from Lost Child to Scapegoat. There was nowhere to turn, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. My mother wanted me dead. I truly felt like my life was in danger living under the same roof with her. IP - sent to psychiatrist at age 13, who understood I was a "good barometer" for the family dysfunction. Lord come quickly!!
I was the lost child in my family. I'd like a video on how is the life of a lost child in adulthood. I have had bad relations, I've been Mobbed at job. Everything seems threatening. I' ve been in therapy for a long time without any results. I've been isolated for a long time, so scared of people! Thinking that I did not deserve friendship or love.
I'm now on therapy for childhood trauma, making progress. But my live has been so sad, always suffering, not knowing that I was the lost child.
I was mainly the scapegoat but I certainly recognize the lost child in myself. I know they were my sisters. My brother was a raging bully but protected us from the worst of my mother. I tried to protect my sisters from my brother. I wasn't good at it.
INFP-s where are yall 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀
Oh surley here
INFJ-a
Infx here!!! 💕 Love and blessings to the other sensitive souls out there. It's time to find our place in this world... Now that we're free of the cult of narcissism we don't have to be lonely anymore! I personally believe we're meant to find our voice, get together, and make a change with all the wisdom our solitude has gained. Highly sensitive people need to stand up! ❤
Here! ❤ thank you for confirmation 🙏
Hello
I sure can help you
Thank you for your insightful explanation. You just described my childhood..
I'm the 2nd of 4, but not wanted, born at a difficult time in my parents' marriage when my narcissistic mother was considering divorce.
I recognise both the Scapegoat and the Invisible child in myself.
My mother blamed me for every bad thing, regularly accused me of lying and caused me to have an unjustified reputation within the extended families of both sides as a liar who couldn't be trusted.
My older sister was initially the Golden Child because she was very premature and needed a lot of medical attention, but the title laterly went to my younger brother, born after my parents reconciliated. She then became the Tattle-Tale/Enabler ratiing me out on any little thing, probably to get attention from my mother, but also embedding my reputation as a liar since she was responsible for most of the actions I was accused of.
As an adult I hate liars, which probably does not make me very diplomatic. I hate being made to feel like a fool through lies, I'd prefer others to be straight with me.
I also have always struggled to make friends - I never learned as a child. My sister and I went to the same primary school, a year apart, but she was moved down to my year, claiming to have been bullied by a teacher, but in retrospect she was probably too immature, spoiled and wouldn't behave. She promptly took over my friend group and became the ringleader, allowing me to hang out with them with conditions always attached.
I was always quiet, tried not to bring attention to myself. I don't stay in touch with people because I see now that most of my relationships with "friends" were mostly superficial and were never going to be permanent. I don't keep in touch with anyone from either primary school, secondary school or university.
Even now, I tell my mother and sister as little as physically possible. My relationships are my own. I hated being forced to introduce friends/boyfriends to either of them, hated that both of them could be charismatic and charming, but also could subtly devalue me. My late husband pointed this out to me after finally meeting my mother for the 1st time, saw her for what she was/still is, and it was a revelation to me that someone could actually see through her facade and support me.
I definitely resonated with this one too. These videos help me put my experiences into context and explain why I developed certain issues, so thanks for that!
Somehow I was the lost child and the golden child. My sister was the scapegoat and she got the brunt of my mom's Wrath. While I was ignored save for her to laud praise onto me for me for being quiet and unassuming. I was the third child and stayed in my room playing video games. Because of that I got into a really abusive relationship and I find it really hard to make friends
As the ONLY child of a SINGLE narc mother, I feel like at different times I played all these roles: lost, golden, scapegoat, etc. Is that likely or possible in your opinion?
It is. And it’s something I’ll be making a video about in the future
@@DarrenFMageeif there is a video now about switching roles or taking on a bit of each at different times or in different circumstances I would be very interested to watch it. Although majority lost child behaviour til mid teens there are other ingredients in there too that I would like to understand. I avoided being bullied outside of the home at secondary school although constantly aware of the threat, feeling like a target. Thanks to the person in the comments that gave me the answer that the nephew was the golden child. I was trying to figure out who was the golden child! Thank you Darren for a great video. Very concise and precise. Lots of insights.
Very well described
Thank you
Hi is it possible you could be this child and either have suppressed memories or be in denial that you parent exhibited the narcissistic behaviour?
I suppose it could be possible yes. Speaking with a mental health professional like a counsellor or psychotherapist might help with that
Yeah only after I turned 28 or so did I find out its unusual to not remember anything more than seconds long between age 2 and 10. I was a scapegoat and lost child 4th out of 8.
This is me as a child. Thank you for your videos
So true it hurts.
It does.
I have a child with a severely Narcissistic mother who comes from a family like this. I never noticed it until recently after doing so much thinking and research. They are a family with 7 children and they are all just so perfect it's weird but i always felt like something wasn't right. My daughters mother is the oldest and has so many different levels and layers of the disorder it makes me crazy just trying to unravel it but after watching a lot of your videos I have figured it out. Also after hearing how nasty her mother can be behind the fake smiles. Her father also seems to come from from an abusive family and just doesn't talk much and if he does it's very soft. For a long time i thought she was just a spoiled brat and that's why she always needed compliments and always seeking attention from anywhere, but now I think she suffers from conditional love or never getting what she needed from her mother. She's managed over the last 2 years to triangulate me through her family to make me the bad guy and her the hero and victim. She takes no responsibility for anything because of the shame she would face from the family for getting pregnant and not being married. Anyway I could go on forever about the unbelievable episodes of rage. Thanks for all the help !!
Looking forward to your next video on thus topic.
I would love a video on how to overcome counter-dependence
Thank you for your suggestion
My brother is the lost child hes the 3rd one and my mother never even wishes him happy birthdays she's such a negligent mother and you described him to the T
I'm an only child . My mother was brutally abusive . Is it possible for a parent to make you play every role ? I feel like I was required to play every role depending on her mood .
I too was the third child and...ditto
Thank you for sharing
Thank you for your work. I would like to add some associated problems: with a narcissist parent the other family members seem to be loving. Not seldomly the enablers in the familiy are not healthy characters too. So you learn to interprete doubtable character traits as beeing "good" cause it seems so in comparison to the narcissist parent. In reality you are prone to other, maybe milder ways of abuse, cause you are blind for them.
This was very good info
I can definitely see myself in "The Lost Child" role.
I'm a lost child but I have a superiority complex
I have been smoking weed nonstop...to deal with all the Information of psychopath and narcissist mother and father did to us...the pain has been surreal...happiness is here now and to stay
Is it possible to be both the scapegoat and the lost child? I had told my boyfriend that my dad either abused me or ignored me. The abuse was so bad that I looked forward to being ignored. My boyfriend told me that being ignored is also a form of abuse. That was years ago before I knew terms like scapegoat, goldenchild, etc. So now I wonder if my role was both the scapegoat and the lost child, depending on which one served my parent's need at that particular time.
We don’t get celebrated.
My older sister is the 3rd child, and I would say this described her fairly well. She's definitely passive-aggressive, and codependent, and she enables narcissist, after narcissist, after narcissist.
She cannot stand me. I speak the truth, and it enrages her. lol She's like an ostrich that willingly puts her head underground, sweeping all the bad shit under the rug like "nothing to see here, it never happened".
after all this analysis. i need some kinda treatment or cure or anything...something i can trust. is there anything?
It's in vogue to push therapy as a panacea but I've actually been more helped by articles, books, and RUclips videos by therapists who understand these family dynamics:
- videos explaining Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb
- Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma (trauma does NOT just mean being beaten or yelled at - being a Lost Child qualifies!)
- Patrick Teahan's great RUclips channel on childhood trauma recovery (some of his shorts are hilarious ; - ). Special mention: his role plays of inner child work with his mentor Amanda Curtin
- the classic book Homecoming by John Bradshaw on inner child work (transformative!)
- videos by Dr. Ingrid Clayton (funny!), Jay Reid, and Dr. Ramani for validation and advice specific to narcissism
Also helpful:
- googling ways to regulate the nervous system after childhood trauma and trying some ideas that sound good to you (e.g. taking a walk, noticing nature, mindfulness meditation, petting an animal, dancing, singing, tai chi...)
- "corrective experiences"
getting out of the family's orbit and giving yourself a chance to find out things you're good at and/or valued for (for me this came through, school, work, and friendships)
- journaling about thoughts and feelings
- using a feelings chart and building skill at noticing and honoring feelings
- The life-changing concepts of CBT or DBT (even without doing the exercises consistently ; - )
a. Lists of common cognitive distortions,
b. The MAGIC that if thoughts lead to feelings, addressing the thoughts can sometimes (not always) help with the feelings! Amazing!
- being a friend to yourself--including improving self-talk
- making a "dysfunctional family tree" of all the issues in the family as far back as you have information (helps you see *it wasn't about you!*)
- practicing assertiveness and boundaries (start with low-stakes situations to build comfort and skill)
- cutting out or limiting contact with toxic people
- pursuing personal interests
- learning your love languages and lavishing yourself with abundant care and kindness
Best wishes to you! : - )
I hasten to mention that therapy with someone who really gets childhood trauma and narcissism or is at least affirming and interactive could be great, I just haven't yet found anyone like that personally. My attempts at therapy with a number of "blank slate" therapists who intentionally don't show emotion or give feedback actually made me feel MORE damaged and unfixable for a while, which makes sense in retrospect because they were replicating the emotional neglect of my childhood! (No mirroring, empathy, compassion, or guidance!) I found it very validating to learn recently that that isn't an uncommon experience among other childhood trauma/neglect survivors.
I was the Scapegoat for my raging, abusive, alcoholic father. I look just like my mother, so maybe that was why he beat me and raged at me, even as a preschooler.
I was the invisible/lost child to my enabling, codependent, neglectful, voided out mother.
By 12, my will had been broken and I became primarily invisible. Unless, my Dad spotted me when he was in a rage, I avoided beatings. Although, there was that choking incident in my late teens.
However, my Golden Child older sister insists that I stay the Scapegoat.
My father taught me that I could do no right. He taught me that independence was to be beaten out of a child. He taught me to hide.
She taught me not to expect anything. She taught me to be a codependent, people pleaser. I am her full-time caregiver.
They both taught me that I didn't matter, that I was in the way.
It isn't that you just get to play one role in a dysfunctional family.
You get to be beaten and forgotten at school. You are physically uncared for and raged at for looking uncared for.
I grew up in a disfunctional family that screams narcassitic cult at least to myself tho others seem to be very blind to it and id very much like to share my story from what i understand in these vids i am the scape goat my younger sister is the golden child and sadly my youngest sister is the lost child and it really sucks that due to unfortunate circumstance i cant have relationship with my youngest sister who is the only family member i can remotely handle to be around but i fear the consequences of trying to have a relationship with my sister and what i may suffer from myother for it
Feels very familiar, although I was an only child. Can you do anything about the subtitles? The auto-generated ones turned your "mirror" at 6:15 into "murder", causing quite some confusion.
I was the lost child. But also an only child.
Guys. If it is possible at all don't go no contact.
If you can reconnect or build any relationship try it out.
If it is a family member worth building with.
If both parents are evil maybe you have brother/grandad or someone.
If it is siblings that are rotten then connect with parents.
It is hard because there is often something someone who is a deal breaker.
I was the first child, but very invisible by my mother
Is it possible to change between roles ? For instance, you’re an invisible child, then you become the golden child, and lastly the scapegoat.
Yes, I think so.. I was the invisible/lost child up until middle school age. Then I became the golden child. It was so confusing. Im in therapy and am reading a book on CEN. Im in my 60s and am amazed there are names and explanations for everything I went through in my childhood. My parents are both gone now so I'm free to open up and talk about it. Im becoming healthier. They say one of the best ways to heal is to give back what you didn't receive. I now have granddaughters and im making them feel loved and seen.. ❤
the lost child sounds a lot like the "middle child"
Haha this is sad but it’s totally me. I avoid attention and don’t even have Facebook. I never wanted a wedding because I didn’t want the attention, I hid in my room and remember thinking “I can make my room my world.”, me just being around was an inconvenience..
Well one thing that bugs me about this analysis is it never accounts for the fact when u go to school make friends go to there houses to play you soon see how screwed up ur parents really are
Because it’s an analysis about this particular role in an abusive household. This isn’t something uniquely held for that role. Any role can come to that same conclusion
So true..
Would you have any suggestions about books I could read about this please?
‘Children of the self absorbed’ by Nina W Brown is quite good
I've been reading The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori. It's so powerful that I can only read a few pages at a time. There's also a couple if books by Jonice Webb on CEN.
Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving is a classic for recovering from childhood trauma.
@@robinhartley2325 Learning about Childhood Emotional Neglect blew my mind! VERY validating for a lost child.
Is it possible for a lost child to be a narcissist in adulthood?
I would just leave everyday all day, it was just better that way.
Yep, I’m the third child: I have an older brother and a man child as a dad 😂
It's strange that I'm the third child from my dad and an only boy. It kinda makes sense.
This is me
What's the solution? 💐
You sure need help
I can assure You
These are some things that have helped me. : - ) I've actually been more helped by articles, books, and RUclips videos by therapists who understand these family dynamics than therapy in real life (which is convenient because it costs way less! : - )
- videos explaining Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb
- Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma (trauma does NOT just mean being beaten or yelled at - being a Lost Child qualifies!)
- Patrick Teahan's great RUclips channel on childhood trauma recovery (some of his shorts are hilarious ; - ). Special mention: his role plays of inner child work with his mentor Amanda Curtin
- the classic book Homecoming by John Bradshaw on inner child work (transformative!)
- videos by Dr. Ingrid Clayton (funny!), Jay Reid, and Dr. Ramani for validation and advice specific to narcissism
Also helpful:
- googling ways to regulate the nervous system after childhood trauma and trying some ideas that sound good to you (e.g. taking a walk, noticing nature, mindfulness meditation, petting an animal, dancing, singing, tai chi...)
- "corrective experiences"
getting out of the family's orbit and giving yourself a chance to find out things you're good at and/or valued for (for me this came through, school, work, and friendships)
- journaling about thoughts and feelings
- using a feelings chart and building skill at noticing and honoring feelings
- The life-changing concepts of CBT or DBT (even without doing the exercises consistently ; - )
a. Lists of common cognitive distortions,
b. The MAGIC that if thoughts lead to feelings, addressing the thoughts can sometimes (not always) help with the feelings! Amazing!
- being a friend to yourself--including improving self-talk
- making a "dysfunctional family tree" of all the issues in the family as far back as you have information (helps you see *it wasn't about you!*)
- practicing assertiveness and boundaries (start with low-stakes situations to build comfort and skill)
- cutting out or limiting contact with toxic people
- pursuing personal interests
- learning your love languages and lavishing yourself with abundant care and kindness
Best wishes to you! : - )
What if you were lost child and golden child, weird dynamic. Lost child, golden child, and spousified.
I was sometimes the golden child but most the time lost child
Yep, well and truly lost. Never seen at Xmas, birthdays nothing. Rather suck up to abusers of both of us and imagines he's in the delusional fantasy living off crumbs while treating a parent that does care like a stranger. Im a snippet off total no contact with all, you chose it, as a full adult, maybe your just an another of them bastards. .using their tactics, another ignorant look away abuser happy to ignore pain even if your own heart . Humiliating yourself and a highly sensitive mum at your own cost. Makes me wish these abusers were gone forever, disappear . I hate them for making a beautiful kid a heartless person he was never meant to be. I'd kill anyone who hurt my mum not tell her to shut up but I give up. I'll stay alone. Maybe it's better that way, what kind of relationship with a family member is this, fake. It doesn't fucking care. Sorry about the language parental alienation and psychological manipulation should be an imprisonment offence. The damage seems only to the one with a heart. Gave my last today, not trying to buy love just show what it means to give unconditionally, it may as well have been set on fire. My own adult child Stuck up for his mums bullies the whole dinner, how great it was staying there, im disgusted by his ignorance. I wonder if he would give a shit if I go no contact ever again. Its not worth seeing and giving to a two faced person I don't know anymore, not like that character I don't.
Misery creating misery?
This was I.
Meee