3 habits that kill your confidence | Shadé Zahrai | TEDxMonashUniversity
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- Опубликовано: 15 мар 2023
- Habits are a double-edged sword - they can be the reason for our success, our happiness and our fulfilment… or the very things that undermine our confidence and sabotage us from progress. We know from volumes of research that there are specific behaviours that we unknowingly engage in that completely kill out confidence and block our advancement. Having spent countless hours with hundreds of teams from startups to Fortune 500s globally, Shadé Zahrai has observed clear behavioural and cognitive patterns that distinguish those who are successful (and happy) from those who aren’t… and most of the time it comes down to habits. This talk is an eye-opener designed to help you to recognise which self-destructive habits you’ve unknowingly succumbed to, and importantly to know how to climb out of the self-imposed self-doubt traps to reach your highest potential.
Shadé Zahrai is an award-winning leadership strategist and global peak performance consultant to Fortune 500s. A former commercial lawyer that transitioned to a successful career in banking and strategy consulting, now with her husband she runs Influenceo Global Inc., a leadership development, consulting & research firm that works with some of the world’s largest organisations. Widely respected for her thought leadership and actionable bite-sized personal and professional development content on social media, Shadé has amassed a global community of over 2.6 million followers across platforms and her content has been viewed over 60 Million times. Her and her husband Faysal are passionate about empowering individuals to overcome their self-limits and confidently create a life worth living. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
Key points:
1. Failure to start/procrastination
-> Just start, begin with the smallesr action possible towards your goal
2. Serial failure to finish
-> Find the meaning/the why and use that to pull you towards your goal
3. Hedonic treadmill/never feeling like it's enough
-> Understand that you are not your work. Meditate. Pause. Be grateful. Stop comparing yourself.
Thank you for posting the main points... I hate people gatekeeping information
Procrastination is freedom is the only time when you spend time for yourself doing nothing.
Thank you so much ❤❤❤❤
Thankyou 😊
Thank you 🙌
Confidence isn’t “I know they’ll like me”, it’s “I’m okay if they don’t”.
Than what!!!!!!
How would you define the CONFIDENCE
@Sid Sid he already said it.
Confidence is "I'm okay with not being liked, I don't need external approval".
That's how I understood his comment.
Well said
Isn’t it self-esteem?
@@tiniet2238 lots of different forms of everything
Procrastinate due to fear of failure 😢😢 You pointed out very well.
OK I have to listen to this a few more times. I have entered a cycle of procrastination that has me feeling desperate and depressed. This is ridiculous because this is not who I used to be. This advice is extremely important. It’s just what I needed. Thank you.
I’m experiencing the same situation. I always wonder why I’ve lost all my motivations. What this talk inspires me the most is instead of focusing on the loss of motivations, think about “What can I do to get excited about it”.
Hope you are doing ok!
While healthy relationships are a part of your journey, so is solitude. Have you created time to spend with yourself lately? Really tune in and just be? There is one relationship at the core of all others: you-to-you.
That's true nothing is more important than our healthy relationship
Yes! I wholeheartedly agree
@ReallyReally Are you broken because you're alone, or alone because you're broken?
Did you have countless negative thoughts in that time that you now have to counter in order to develop a healthy philosophy?
I lived 32 years avoiding people due to cPTSD, social anxiety disorder, and depression on the edge of suicide. Solitude was a symptom of my illness which inevitably led me to psychological awareness through introspection. After 3 years of personal development, now I'm ready to go beyond my 9 to 5 job and excel in business and creative work.
Of course. Until you’re out of your pubertate 😂
Solitude.... It's a sweet poison. Get used to it too much and it's all you ever want, nothing but being left alone.
It’s wonderful to see that the analogy of the Three Mind Pits is hitting home. Thank you for the beautiful comments! 🙏
When Faysal (my husband) and I were brainstorming the topic we agreed that without overcoming self-doubt no one can truly live their full potential. We hope there’s something in this talk that connects with you and inspires you to get unstuck. Thank you to TEDx for the opportunity to share this message.
In case you’re curious, here’s the research underpinning this talk:
• Knowing-doing Gap (Pfeffer & Sutton, 2000).
• Rumination and Overthinking (Joubert, Moulds, Werner‐Seidler, Sharrock, Popovic & Newby, 2022).
• Upward Counterfactual Thinking (Broomhall, Phillips, Hine & Low, 2017; Hedgcock, Luangrath, & Webster, 2021; Medvec, Madey & Gilovich, 1995 Broomhall, Phillips, Hine & Loi, 2017).
• Neural Impacts of Social Rejection (Eisenberger, Lieberman & Williams, 2003).
• Cognitive Reframing (Crum, 2021).
• Meaning-Motivation Link (Molden & Dweck, 2000).
• Productivity Orientation (Keinan & Kivetz, 2008).
Thanks so much to you and your husband! Kudos 👏 on your work!
Your words have similarity to what Krishn Bhagwan have said in Bhagwat Gita.
@@aplausos2 thank you! We’re so happy it resonated 🙏🙏
@@navdeeptyagizero You're absolutely correct! A lot of what we know in science today actually comes from ancient philosophers and spiritual teachers. Although they used different methods, their insights are still applicable today. They also believed in the interconnectedness of all things, which is a concept that modern science is only beginning to fully grasp. Not only that, some of the concepts in modern physics have their roots in ancient spiritual and philosophical traditions. The wisdom of the past remains valuable in helping us learn and uncover new knowledge 🧡
The way you explain is just amazing!
Self-doubt can be developed from parental or any significant others disapproval. Those people are the most important self-confidence builders.
No. You are the most important to “self”
You the person that will tell someone else “you messed up my self esteem”
You gotta go listen to Katt Williams and stop being “simple”. Lol.
I think is really true but at the end as Shade says, once you are consciouss that your life is only yours, you have to change the narrative and the beliefs you have about yourself. Trying to allign with confidence is a decision and an inner work.
😂 ДЕНЬ НЕЗАВИСИМОСТИ... ЭСТОНИИ -КЕРСТИ КАЛЬЮЛАЙД 5 ЧАСОВ 😂
😂😂.... ДЕНЬ НЕЗАВИСИМОСТИ... ЭСТОНИИ -КЕРСТИ КАЛЬЮЛАЙД 5 ЧАСОВ 😢
Especially if you adore such a one! 😢
Her voice is so soothing
Hello Dear. Thank you for sharing such useful advice. I began my journey to reinvent myself a year ago, and I'm now living healthier, more confident, and stronger, earning six figures, and having time to enjoy family and friends. I'm happier now because I'm living my life for myself. This is to encourage someone that "you may start whenever you want to have a reset, it's worth it!" I'm trying to keep growing since it's a journey💚💚💚
Congratulations Mariana 🎊🎊Thanks for encouraging others with your story, I will love to get tips from you too.
@@melbavic23712 Change your mindset, read self-help books, expand knowledge, budget and don't spend on impulse, save, take your finances seriously, eat healthy, exercise your body, meditate; the list goes on... I hope it is useful to you.
That is so amazing!! Thank you for sharing your story. I really hope it inspires another lady out there to start taking action♥♥♥
@@mariana23273 How did you grow to 6 Figure? I'm honestly trying to work on my personal finance this year.
I learnt to be frugal, minimal on spending, saving and paying myself first through Investing, made Plans, growing passive income, Read a lot of books on finance, followed my plan consistently.
I absolutely love Shadé and the way she explains concepts. I am truely inspired! Thank you Shadé!
I am expecting this type ofcomment from
An India 😂😂😂
@@ankitporwal5760 🤔
I have been in self doubt lately it's refreshing this came on my timeline,it definitely reminds I can change my narrative and I have the power to do it for true self
TEDx talks are smth which we always look for..
Thank you TEDx ❤️
I love this. I use that analogy. Watching my son trying to walk 10 years ago,motivated me to never give up.
That's great to know why I feel exhausted sometimes. I always think that it could never enough for me and I have to make myself spend more time on my studying.
Your video gives me a lot positive energy. I have learnt that I should "just do it" and stop thinking too much or comparing my journey to anyone.
As you said "Excellece then is not an act but a habit"
Thank you for inspiring me💗
This talk beautifully summarizes the reasons for me be hesitant and stuck. Thank you Shade for your guidance, its time to act now!!! 😎
*Summary* with timestamps. ✏️
Three self-doubt mind pits that limit confidence:
2:31 *Failure to Launch* (the knowing-doing trap), rumination and overthinking.
- "What if I fail?", "What if I'm underqualified?", "What if I've missed something?"
3:44 *Treading Water* (failing to finish what we start).
- Hesitation, losing interest, seeking greener grass, getting bored.
4:54 *Destination Obsession*
- You set an exciting goal; put in the work & discipline to achieve it. Only to derive a short burst of pleasure, followed by a lack of fulfilment. So you immediately set the next goal.
- Feeling like you've never done enough.
==============================
💡 *How do you free yourself and avoid falling in?*
==============================
6:38 *Failure to Launch*
+ Shift your internal narrative (inner/mental chatter).
Next time you catch yourself thinking: "I can't do this." => redirect to "How could I make this happen?"
+ Shift "I should do this" or "I have to do that" to: "I get to do this" or "I choose to do that".
+ Instead of combating disempowering thoughts, redirect your mind to empowering language that reflects personal control. 💪
+ Finally, move from "why" to "what": instead of "Why don't I feel motivated?" ask yourself "What can I do to get excited about getting this done?"
+ ⚠ It's vital that the reframing is immediately followed by action!
9:10 *Treading Water*
+ If you find yourself stuck in this mind pit, schedule time to reflect on WHY you're doing what you're doing. ("For the sake of what?")
9:38 *Destination Obsession*
+ When you're aware of this unhealthy doubt-driven behavior, remind yourself of the irrefutable truths that:
> You are not your work.
> Your worth is not entirely a reflection of your achievements.
and
> You're not going to find lasting contentment on the hedonic treadmill of achievement.
+ Instead, set boundaries for yourself.
Lastly, if you notice yourself feeling inadequate due to comparing your current reality to someone else's? Shift the narrative. Say: "I'm happy for this person. What can I learn from their Journey?"
🧠 _You can unlearn [self-doubt] through creating new, healthier habits and tapping into the power of neuroplasticity that rewires your brain._
Wait! I hope u do book review. If not, u really need to start! By thr way, thank so much
Thanks for writing these down. Very grateful to you :)
Thanks man 😊
Thanks
Thanks
So well spoken, thanks for this!
Oh, wow, it was the best talk about self doubt and how to manage it. All I needed today. Thank you so much Shade ❤️
I love her as the way she deliver the knowledge and talk.. nd voice
Failure to launch has been my bane all my life. Thank you for pointing this out, hopefully even after failing many times later in life. I can start, continue and reach my target successfully 🙌
This is one of the video i have watched that has refused to leave my mind. It keeps playing over and over in my mind. I saw where i have been getting it wrong and thst has made my life crawling. Thanks for this
Thank you for sharing this! This is what I need right now. I've been struggling with low self-esteem all my life and have been holding up a lot of plans due to indecisiveness. Thank you again. You are beautiful.
If we allow the toxic pattern of low self-esteem ( through comparison, being bullied, high standards set up by parents) to repeat themselves in our mind we are sure to confirm our low esteem
Major issues :
Overthinking and rumination ( negative what if's)
Treading water( always in a mode of getting ready and acquiring skills.. i.e knowing that what one needs to do yet not taking action)
Destination obsession ( always thinking that one has not done enough)
Procrastination ( avoiding failure)
SOLUTION
Cognitive reframing:
Changing the mindset from " I have to do this " to " I choose or get to do this"
From " why? to "what"? = " Why don't I feel motivated" ? to " What can I do to get excited about getting this done?
Taking Action
Even if it's small action start taking it
Having a meaning to your goal
Do not attach your self image to your goal
[You are not your work ]
Allow yourself to take meaningful breaks ( meditation, exercise etc)
Change the mindset of comparison to learning ( what can I learn from this person)
I had to watch the entire video again because i was so mesmerised by her eyes that i ended up googling "how to make your eyes shine?". great video
This has always been my main problem, there's a solution to this and you might already know it: "just do it". People will call you unworthy, lazy, pull you down, don't listen to them. Just mind your own business and "just do it". But remember to also take rest and stay in balance. Don't stay at one end because either you will be lazy or burned out due to overworking. Remember, balance.
it's happen to me now and thanks God I watch this.
Alhamdulillah
Unbelievable...it's like you've stepped into my head ! I'm glad I found this video !
"Excellence then is not an act but a habit"
All of these habits describe me. Thank you for this 🙏🏼
THANK YOU SHADE! You have helped me more with this 11 minutes video than my therapist in 3 years.
I really felt identified with the 3 cases and the most important thing I learnt from this video is about *changing the narrative*. It is so important how our inner communication desenvolves with our reality and how our words have great impact in reality.
We are what we do, so in order to change your life you have to change your actions.
Right now I was feeling kind of demotivated to finish some video edits for my work because sometimes I feel is dull or boring but that exact thought is what I change now. It is actually fun because it is a video of a very important person in my country and also is part of my journey to become a better video editor and be able to work professionaly for Hollywood, Netflix, HBO. That is my goal and also to enjoy the process. Because it is so beatuful to see how things bloom when you put your energy to it.
Thank you so much Shade
Wow, incredible. I see myself in many of these areas of confidence killers, it's a tough pill to swallow and the work starts with trying something in a new way.
This video is amazing, wow! I consider that I learned more now about things I knew I was doing wrong, but was consciously avoiding making them right! Thank youuu!
I am happy for you that you did this research and I appreciate the fact that we all can learn and upgrade our lives from the points that youve mentioned. - Your Eternal Fan
Thank you so much for this. I' m going through a diffucult time right now and this video is just what I needed.
This is too good. Wonderful analogy and I can completely relate to everything you said. Thank you for sharing. This is valuable.
I found everything in this video deeply researched and articulately explained. We need to get out of this Knowing-Doing Trap.
Dear ShadeZahrai, the rich content and the lively explanation make this talk equal to the course matter in a 200 page book worth its weight in gold. Your knowledge, perseverance, presentation skills and humility are such a wonderful combination that we thank RUclips for bringing you to us. May you continue to excel in what we do! Thank you so much!
Thanks. Yes, agreed, overthinking definitely kills the confidence. Other tips are also very important.
Shade is awesome. I love her content, mostly on communication.
I asked the 12 month old next door about learning to walk and he was saying he used to listen to Anthony Robbins and to read physiology books in order to get a better insight into the process. He said he slowly built up muscle strength in his legs and tried to emulate others who were outstanding walkers. He said never give up and youll achieve your dreams!😅
I’ve been watching these lately because I’ve been feeling so low on my self esteem! Thanks!
This 11 minutes are pure gold!! Thank you
Perfect talk. Thanks 1,000,000 for sharing your work.
If I had seen this video five years ago I would have said, "Thank you for helping me to find a goal with meaning: the goal of hunting down and killing the person who caused my self-doubt". I wish I was joking. The good news is that I found forgiveness in a spiritual life that helped me to look honestly at the ways in which I, myself, have been just as guilty of passing harshly negative judgment instead of breaking the cycle... which has led to my forgiveness and acceptance of these former enemies. I hope this was helpful to someone and thank you for making such a helpful video
Thank you Shadé! To anyone out there who is doubting the success of what you'd like to do: just try. Recently I've started my own RUclips journey after years of thinking about it. It's a lot of work, but deciding to break free from procrastination and just get going is so deliberating!
How wonderful for you! Wishing you all the best on the journey of building a community and having an impact on RUclips!
*This woman has the smoothest, most eloquent voice. I can listen to her all day*
You know people watch you because you are beautiful not because you're a good speaker
On a twenty year journey to helping my people. Thank you for the update.
The skill of articulation you have is top notch.
Great TedTalk! Comparing and doubting ourselves is the thief of joy!
Thank you for a new perspective on discipline. Commit to taking meaningful breaks. The idea is insanely helpful. I've suffered from hyper focus, and I easily got burned out. Hence, I'm afraid of work because once I start, I feel like I can't stop and it damages my health. I feel like the idea opens to me a new set of challenges in my life that is healthy and feels good.
You have a great gift for explaining things in a way that is easy to grasp. I took full notes in different colors, that I plan to keep and read in my daily planner. I feel like you have thrown me a life saver because I am ADHD❤
ADHD can be a blessing in disguise, once I understood it’s impact on me, I decided to use it to my advantage. People with ADHD tend to be more creative , and we do great when we do things that speaks to our heart. We fail to focus when things are too boring for us, so I started to delegate the things that I can’t do instead of beating myself up and to pay more attention to what I can accomplish.
@@zinaali6770 I love your comment! I'll start doing this
@@zinaali6770 that's actually true, I realized this very late which was bleaking my self esteem for such a long time.
I have the same problem right now :(
Now please tell this forum what else are you beyond ADHD🕯️
I definitely have less self-doubt after watching a perfectly made video, from a extremely good speaker, telling me about people that are hyper talented. I just don't understand how researchers like Shadé are able to overlook that by building on the narrative that YOU can do it, it is all up to You ("change YOUR narrative") they might try to booster self-confidence but are just creating self-doubt in the next second. This is part of neoliberal thinking that lets' us internally attribute everything: our successes and failures. So you can't just have on side of the coin. If you booster self-confidence, you booster self-doubt as well.
Dear Shade,
You have truly inspired me.
I have started smiling and that's the beginning right?
Grateful that you spent less time on why we are this way and more time on how to overcome it. I hesitate to watch videos like these anymore because so many of them start out so negative and our minds are so impressionable that I want to filter out any possible negative programming. Took some good notes. Time to implement. Thank you!
I'm so happy you found value in the approach we took Justin, focusing more on overcoming challenges rather than dwelling on the reasons behind them. There's a lot of information out there about the 'why', so we like to provide tangible, actionable guidance on what can be done for positive behaviour change. I love that you took notes! Wishing you all the best on your journey towards growth and positive change!
Thank you so much for this video! It's simple and easy to understand. Exactly what I need at this point! Looking forward to more of your videos!
very strong speech, thank you from my heart
Ayo i watched this video twice because this lady is beautiful asf. I couldn't focus I was getting lost in her beauty. But on the real though this lady said everything that I really went through, but I am working on bettering myself. I am going to watch her other ted talks as well.
I'm going to watch this video 100 times un order to acquire all the valuable information it has. 🙌
Shadé is undoubtedly one of the best motivational & charismatic speaker I have come across. Thanks for what you are doing!
SHADE = Westernized Liberal Muslim women.
u know the type that thinks being " westernized" is being modern and free (lmao).
Thank you madam Zahrai and TEDx for the amazing information.
Great talk! And it really hit home for me today. I needed to hear this. Thank you
I loved this info and how she explain it, so true 😮🥺👏🏻
Thank you, I needed that most 🙏🏽
This is so so powerful and amazing to me! Thank you! ❤
Dunno why but this video srsly made me emotional 😢 It was so inspiring! thank you shade ❤
I am very grateful to you for your awareness❤😊
thanks for these wonderful tips. i think failing to start is my biggest problem. i read plenty of books but never implement them in real life. thanks for giving me some hope. i really admire you
how much i grateful with this video! thanks for sharing TED
This is really helpful for me right now. Thank you so much!
Thank You Shade ...God Bless You
Wow! This is prolific! I'm still wondering how I manage to create these strategies I live my life by and then listen to a talk or read a book by an expert and find out they got their from research. I'm guessing I'm more self aware and living intentionally. I'm grateful.
Really a conceptually fresh TED Talk after such a long time.
I'm exactly the third one 😂. I always feel like I'm not working hard enough and that I could have accomplished more each day. I even deny myself food when I'm hungry because I think I haven't met the goal I set for myself. I feel guilty taking breaks, particularly in the evening when the day is almost over and I haven't done much. I used to believe that my goals were appropriate, but my lack of ability compared to others, like not being clever enough, hindered me from achieving them. After watching this video, I now realize that it's a mind pit.
Thank you so much Shadé Zahrai. That was really helpful♡
It was one of the best speeches I've listened to. I'm guilty of these behaviours
So many great thought processes!
just wonderful and on-point! Thank you!
You are each and every word I have I have I am feeling from last one and half years...😊
Definitely something I will work towards, thank you.
Absolutely incredible. Loved the powerful TIPS
I love the way she broke these three issues down in their simplest forms. I really needed this at this point in my life.
Thank you so much, your beauty kept me 100% focused and I've learned so much. Thank you so much😊
This is a wonderful wonderful insights, it is time to raise my own self awareness to adjust my own thought patterns and habits after so many years of forming.
To anyone reading this comment, I wish you to be genuinely HAPPY in your life !!!
❤️💜🧡💛💚💙💗
Thanks from where you are ?
🎉Thanks much appreciated🎉
Thankyou, the same to you ❤
You will, too! Thanks for your warm comment❤️
Thanks and likewise for you!
The way you have framed the whole narration of your video is mind blowing 🤟😎
A checking of the reality for sure👍
Wow! I mean I am truly deep in two of the mentioned mind pits, and I have identified those thanks to this video
Thank you. It was really helpful. I did not know the difference between laziness and procrastination but always thought I'm not lazy 😀.
You are serving a great purpose of making people peaceful, perseverant, and more productive.
I needed this. Thank you for your contribution
You are extremely articulate. Well done!👏👏
It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.
Wow, I got so much clarity and analysis of myself.
This video spoke to me so much, lovely. I feel better thank you for making me learn
Truly inspired! Thank you very much!
IM OBSESSED WITH THIS WOMEN❤
you must be obsessed with that rediculous accent
TL;DR Here are the main points of this talk.
Three mind pits: Info-mania; Threading water; Destination obsession.
Three corresponding solutions: 1. Action orientation: "I can't do this" to "How could I make this happen.", I choose to do this. And from why to what.
2. Identify the WHY. Find the meaning for motivations
3. Set boundary for yourself. You are not your work.
3. Less comparision: I am happy for this person. What can I learn from his journey.
Thank you so much Shadé Zahrai ❤❤❤❤