The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion: Kristin Neff at TEDxCentennialParkWomen
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- Опубликовано: 17 май 2024
- In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)
This video makes me realize that you are your own therapist. You are your own support system. You are your own friends.
I would say self-compassion is the way we accept ourselves all of our flaws and believe in our goodness and build ourselves to be better
I really thought I have gone crazy. I thought I was starting to hear whispers in my head. Thank God for the comments section. XD
lol same i feel u
SAME LOL
Lol
Me too hahahahahahaha
1 minute in and I had to stop the video and collect my thoughts
Realizing I was confusing “Pushing myself” from “Punishing myself.”
I teared up when I thought about my day and how many times I punished myself for being overweight, not doing the dishes, not cooking the chicken, watching tv all day, and eventually making my self feel bad for feeling bad. No wonder I was having so much anger and depression lately, and I realize something needs to change because what I’m currently doing is not just hurting myself, but my soul and who I’m meant to be.
Haley...it does help to hear you express my experience...I believed the lies and programming of my Father and Mother who hated each other also,my whole life,divorced at 2.
Practice mindfulness by doing yoga and meditation. Yoga means unity. You have to clear your mind and work on your inner self. A little bit like "inner engineering". What this means is that you are managing your emotions and your energy in such a way, that when you experience outside life, you will be able to handle it. Also, practice positive affirmations and visualizations with all the goals you have.
Bless You and Hugs. I can identify.
"Confusing 'pushing myself' from 'punishing myself'". So good! Thank you for sharing this! Helped me a lot! 👍🙏
A
This woman is so gentle she even has trouble imitating a harsh voice.
I am glad someone noticed it :) It's hard for Empaths to be otherwise.
I used to feel proud of myself because of my good grades, when I lost it i crumbled, my sense of self worth was GONE. In glad I came across this video. Everyone talks about raising self esteem but self compassion is so much more important.
Same case bro
@@moondustcompliments5329 I’m very much so proud of you and I hope you see the message you put and be like wow I came so far because you did❤️ keep it up ! You are loved you are worthy
@@moondustcompliments5329 Kim
I feel this so hard
Yes, self-compassion is a way of living. Once you feel compassion for yourself you free yourself from feeling your worth depends on success or anything else. It is so much more empowering to be kind, caring, and understanding to ourselves than just boosting our confidence.
“Comparison is an act of violence against the self” - Iyanla Vanzant
The way Kristen says 'Okay' is like a warm hug for the mind
Her voice is so beautiful and kind and I can see her love of her work in her eyes.
True. She is a product of her own work.
Love is patient, Love is kind, and she embodies that completely ❤️
Her work and herself, a gift. Example of a new 'mode' of being.
really? i dnt mind the subject matter but the voice just pisses me off
@@anthonydentice8180 Why? For example, do you think it's phoney niceness or something like that?
"Luckily, we aren't just reptiles"
*audience claps silently*
It took me like 20 times of rewinding and watching that in slow motion to figure out what had happened.
Hahaha that crowd REALLY needed to hear that!
11:17
That was weird. LOL 😂
Ironically that was the most reptilian thing they could have done lmao
changed my life in 19 minutes. going to watch this whenever i forget myself.
the passionate being
Just a friendly reply to remind you to rewatch this. Hopefully all is well and you don’t need it, but just in case...
Hugs
I would recommend that you read her book as well. It’s been really beneficial for me while trying to learn self compassion
watch it again
self-compassion and self-acceptance are two of the most important things in life you can do for yourself.
Is it diference selfcompasion and self acceptance
@@quruxleyqalanjo5485 i suppose being self compassionate makes you accept yourself as a result with your flaws and uniqueness
@@caroledouillot8858 absouletly true sis
Absolutely. The good news is that if you really practice and feel compassion for yourself, you start accepting yourself with all your parts automatically;)
I am 35, over-weight, not good looking - unable to find anyone who would marry me, have a PhD but cannot find a job..not even a low-paying menial job. Its been 1 year since I have been unemployed...its eating into me now. I am overwhelmed and I am just trying to stay strong and sane. Thanks for the video.
You're a beautiful lady. :) Remember to keep stong and know you're not alone. We are all connected.
I only have a diploma at the age of 39 working as a registered nurse. It is comforting to know that i am jot alone in this imperfect world. Thank you Drake.
I don't have a PHD, but I feel your pain. I'm overweight, getting out of an 8 year marriage to a narcissist that has left me incapable of holding down a job. I have so much mental/emotional work to do until I can begin to take care of myself financially. It feels like I'm a failure and it's so hard to feel like I'll ever get better. But I'll tell you what I tell myself: keep going lady. The world needs that special something that only you have. You're beautiful. Your life has purpose and you have people in your life who love and value you.
Welcome to the world of the well educated and unemployed. Fully 2/3rds of the jobs created since the so-called recovery are low wage positions. After working very hard to get ahead in school and business I was unemployed for two years, massively under employed for one year, and now I am unemployed again. Welcome to the new economy - yippie!
R Feyman I feel for all of you, disillusioned folk. Do heed her advice, and find the courage to carry on. You are not alone, and someone, somewhere can benefit from your knowledge and experience and reciprocate in different ways.
This should be a class in our school system. It would change the way we live with ourselves and with our neighbor.
Absolutely!
This woman has saved my life. Two years fighting with insomnia just to figure out compassion as a whole concept. I embrace myself now more than ever. And feel beyond grateful!
I know you wrote the comment to yourself, but somehow I feel warmth in my heart when I read your comment. I guess self-compassion is contagious. Thank you so much for making my day!
yes, i figured out just recently that we are too harsh to ourself, and become something we hate, a perfectionist (narc) and use violent (psycho's) if things doesn't go our way....
self compassion is the cure.....
How’s your sleep been 10 months later?
@@szymon200000 It's a thing of the past now. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm anxiety free :)
Took some notes. If I got any of the time stamps wrong let me know and I'll fix them. This is such a great talk, not just about the #empowerment of self-compassion but in every single way that this skill affects our lives:
2:35 "For many years psychologists really saw self-esteem as the ultimate marker for mental health and there's a reason for that..."
3:08 American Culture: High self-esteem = special, above average. (Logical impossibility).
4:02 #narcissism levels in college undergrads is the highest ever recorded
4:31 #bullying
4:49 #prejudice
5:09 #success
5:38 #women #supermodels
5:57 ♀ feelings of attractiveness diverges from ♂ in about 3rd grade
6:30 solution = self-compassion ("embracing ourselves as we are flaws an all) and has 3 core components
6:58 1. #Self-Kindness
7:45 2. Common Humanity (shared human experience - where we connect
8:56 3. #Mindfulness (includes ability to recognize our own suffering)
9:56 #motivation
10:18 #cortisol #adrenaline (fight or flight response) triggered by self-criticism so both attacker and attacked body's response is to shut down
11:24 #depression
11:33 #safe-place #care-giving #Oxycontin #opiates (feel good hormones) #evolution (mammals) respond to warmth, gentle touch and soft vocalizations
12:14 #parenting (how to best motivate our #children) - there are two ways; one has long-term negative consequences
13:52 #research strongly supports #compassion
12:42 self compassion offers the benefits of self-esteem (strong mental health, stable sense of self worth) without the pitfalls (#narcissism, social comparison, ego-defensive aggression
15:13 Self-compassion steps in just when self-esteem deserts you
15:30 #autism #autistic kids #challenge faced by Kristin and she found grace under pressure through self-compassion (example given)
18:00 Self-compassion is *not* self-indulgent or selfish because "...the more we are able to keep our hearts open to ourselves, the more we have available to give others..."
18:14 You know how to be a good friend and comfort someone. I invite you to be a good friend to yourself. It's easier than you think and it really could change your life.
+Niki Flow This is amazing, thank you so much.
I'm really glad it was helpful +Samantha Richardson! This talk touched my heart so deeply -- I wanted to remember it really well. ♥.
yesssss thank you!!
You deserve a nobel peace prize for this! That's gonna make it way easier to rewatch it and recap, thank you!
Niki Flow I
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.” - Carl Rogers
Almost ended in tears listening to this. What she said here was like reading a receipt on my entire existence.
@Vic Flair I'm glad to see people like you and me finding so much meaning in having watched this - may we all continue to learn and grow not only in relation with others, but perhaps first and foremost, ourselves so as to heal and better learn to navigate through this world and our experiences. Praying for a continued journey to health and wholesomeness, onwards and upwards!
You're definitely not alone buddy 🙂
Let's practice some common humanity then
I absolutely love minute 17:30: Putting her hands over her heart, she said, "This is so hard right now, darling. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm here for you." I have copied that out to keep at work, thank you.
SO hard. 😥
I have never heard of a voice more kinder and compassionate as Kristin Neff. I could listen to this talk over and over. Thank you!!
13:31
* *cries in asian* *
...okay jokes aside, this was one of the most relatable ted talks I have ever heard. My parents have always harshly criticized me for studies and ngl it actually worked my grades went high. So I started self criticizing myself too in order to motivate myself since my parents don't criticize me anymore. So I extreme low self compassion, low confidence, anxiety, sometimes self harm, suppress and ignore my feelings a lot, etc etc.
But I am doing my best to get out of this years long rut and I will definitely be successful.
My parents unconsciously took the critical approach, because it was how they were raised. The problem with it is not only that our brains don't get motivated this way, but also that people often don't bother to explain how to achieve things. It is easy to say "You should know Math better! Why can't you just bring good grades?!" or smth, but it is hard to explain to child how to learn more effective, study equations and so on. It requires efforts, time, knowledge and patience from parents.
Kristin Neff is the bomb. I've had her book for years and I'm still alive and well because of this woman. Heed her words - self-esteem is for suckers. Get into self-compassion and free yourself.
I am glad you are still here! Well done!
Just Being Grateful to be yourself as being YOURSELF is the first baby steps to self compassion and self worth.
The best talk I have listened to! I found myself not able to truly practice self-compassion precisely because I perceived as self-indulgent deep down, and I worried I would become lazy.
Your research debunks all those myths our parents and society imposed on us!!
Thank you truly so much!
I can’t believe this talk was given 11 years ago. It likely will forever be relevant.
This makes me think back to sobbing while home alone at 16 staring at myself in the mirror and genuinely asking "Why are you so mean to me?" It can be so hard to be nice to yourself when self-criticism becomes the norm 99.9% of the time.
I recently self-harmed, and I knew I had to tell somebody, so I told my guidance counselor, and she told my dad. He was so supportive and kind about it, and didn't press too hard, but he gave me a book and told me about this video because I do have the toxic thoughts that I'm not good enough. I hope so badly this helps
Self-harming is just one more way for people to cope. It is no different than drinking, over-exercising, or over-working. It is OK if you self-harm. Just do it safely.
...and think compassionate and self-loving thoughts about yourself while doing so.
I think it's good that you were able to inform someone and have support from your dad. And the fact you have awareness of your actions. What's something you like to do when you feel upset that can maybe counteract or even disprove your toxic thoughts? I want you to know that you are special and good enough! And the toxic thoughts you have aren't what I see from what you wrote! I see someone with potential and self-awareness!!
I hope that a year later, you're doing better. I used to self harm as a teen and eventually found coping strategies. It is a difficult thing to break.
Hope ur doing ok bro
we need more people like her in the world!
the internet needs more of this ..and less off 4chan or other toxic narcisistic psychopathic places of the internet. ...people of the world need this.
Then be more of her❤
@@PHanomaly trying
@@ASAFYY I seriously believe that when you truly care for yourself and understand how to be there for yourself in the best and worst times, only then can you have deep empathy, understanding and wise compassion for others, only then will you realize how harsh and cruel people are with themselves.
I'm very delicate with peoples egos because I dont want to make them beat themselves up, I want them to embrace their imperfect being like I do.
She makes an awful lot of sense. If you cannot be kind to yourself, compassionate, how can you ever expect to be to others, really? Really glad I found this.
If most people in the world thought like this woman, it would be a much, much better place.
"Self compassion is a way of relating to ourselves kindly, embracing ourselves as we are:flaws and all". Love it
Exactly, self-compassion is the antidote to self-criticism;)
Excellent message! As a parent, I think I'm going to focus more on teaching self compassion than self esteem.
Oh dear I do appreciate your talk / teaching. I pray I can imbrace these truths and work toward healing
I love how she talks! It's reassuring. It's almost maternal, I feel safe :) I don't feel it insults my intelligence...
Amazing research and beautifully explained. The world is a better place because of the likes of Kristin Neff, Brené Brown, Liz Gilbert, Prince Ea, etc.
Breńe Brown for me 😊
30+ years of AA, which I recommend HIGHLY, but I attended a recovering Dharma meditation and Kristin Neff was brought up...and now I EMBRACE this practice...it makes sense and combats the GUILT I lived with and shame...in a very short time I personally have felt a TREMENDOUS RELIEF. Thank you. I anticipate a revolution towards this as it is so POWERFUL.
Happy for you! Even I'm on a journey towards freeing myself from Shame. And this helped me! Thank you!
This is such a great talk. I almost cried when she mentioned little girls’ self esteem taking a nose dive after 3rd grade. It’s so true and becomes a fixation for so much of us going forward.
I love practicing gentleness with my self.
One of the best TED talks I've seen.
Kristin's voice is special. It comforts me as she talks as if I have been the child she talks about.
Simple. Exacting. Thorough.
WoW this just WoW. Eyeopening!!! The comparasing between self-compassion and self-asteem made so much sence. Thank you so much 🙏
Her self compassion excercises and meditations has helped me sooo much. I have high emotional stability and high self compassion levels now. 💛
This is so crucial. Learn to give yourself compassion. . . and you will be able to give it and get it from others.
Best ted talks related to my life.found the answer I have been searching for years. Thank you verymuch.
Thank you so much. I needed to hear this as a fellow mom who has been through the autism diagnosis, grief, shame, etc. He has actually taught me a lot of self compassion. To let go of judgement in order to live him as he is.
such a great distinction between self-esteem and self-compassion. one leads to toxic competition and the other leads to warm community.
her voice is so soothing
The critical voice in our heads comes from our immediate caregivers. We internalize the critical parent when we are very young... just because you have kids doesn't mean you're a good parent.
This is what ive done with myself beginning as a teenager. It truly does have a profoud effect on your inner strength to get through tough times and come out resilient in a positive direction. I always remember to be kind to myself because i know that turning against myself is the worst thing i could ever to do, that it only ensures failure and hopelessness. I love my inner being, and it allows me to be far more compassionate to others.❤
This is so good that you discovered this at a young age! I'm thirty and only just figuring out how to love myself💜
She says ‘okay’ like Mr. Mackey from South Park 😂 love it and comforted 🥰
Thank you for the vid. Peace love compassion truth and gentleness always and everywhere. God bless
such a beautiful talk, beautiful voice, beautiful person from heart❤
I really needed to watch this today. Thank you Kristin Neff.
I agree totally :)))))
self esteem could be built on comparison, which means conditional love, when you fail you are not lovable in your own mind
1. be kind to your self, accepting and kind, don't use harsh language, treat urself like how u will treat ur friend
2. commonality: no one is perfect, what your experiencing is a problem with many people
3. be mindful, notice we are suffering in order to give ur self compassion
myth:
1. if u are too kind to yourself, you will be self-indulgent and lazy, we need self criticism to motivate ourselves, it is false, when we criticize, we enter into fight or flight mode, causing depression, we will actually feel better with warmth, touch and soft vocalizations(what can I do to help, hug hug, how can I support you)
being gentle and kind to myself is what im doing from now. and that is not selfish of me.
Thank you Dr.Neff 🌹, You are a Great Doctor, and a Wonderful Mom 😊
I can't give enough praise to this video! Imagine what kind of world we'd have if everyone knew and internalized what's in this video.
Great talk! Really something that is important.
I have spent last 10 years on self-improvement and books alike that were making me feel bad about myself (or I have felt like this and they made it worse).
And what I needed was psychotherapy and self-compassion. Life is so different now.
Thank you Kristin.
Makes a lot of sense brother! Rejecting ourselves doesn't help us really evolve. I've done the same mistake. Been on self-compassion journey, and it is helping me in a fundamental sense.
Wow, I have been waiting to hear this for 46 years. i need to replay it every day. thank you!
This cleared a lot of old fears for me. I realize the most important thing that I have never given myself or others at times is compassion. Thank you so much I love this video!
This was so what I needed to hear right now. Thank you. I have the same airplane story with my autistic son when he was 2 years old and before he was diagnosed. It was traumatizing. At 52 years of age, I wish I’d heard this talk sooner.
Thank you Kristen for enlightening us about self-kindess, common humanity, and mindfulness!
i loved this! she's so well spoken
One of the best talks I've heard. This is life-changing research, with an impact on everything from parenting to schooling and the education system to workplace environments and leadership to even relationships
Returning to this video to reinforce what I’ve been learning about self-compassion, I’ve set the speed to 1.5; BEST thing I’ve ever done to listen to Kristin Neff
I have no idea how many times I've watched this, but it's great every time!
This here is a true game changer for real. Self-Compassion is far more beneficial than self-esteem.... I definitely will be exploring this more in my own life. I'm so glad I discovered this Ted Talk. ❤
You are a very kind soft spoken lady.
This is an amazing Ted Talk. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
What a courageous, brave and inspiring testimony!
There is a lot of power in compassion. Give it to yourself and others. I love what she said about showing compassion to kids concerning their grades. Kids need more compassion from the adults in their lives instead of so much criticism - more self-love.
Thank you Kristin Neff. This is a beautiful message. It's wonderful you're helping more people learn this.
I am an avid follower of tedx talks and every month I think aaaah...i have come across the best tedx talk....but every time I am proved wrong...after watching this talk I must confess it happened again....the best talk according to me at the present moment as i type this in....
Thank you. This is currently hugely helping me cope with a very tough (and unavoidable) period of my life...
How are you doing now? :)
What a beautiful video. Thank you for this awareness. God bless.
I love this! I watch this over and over and every time I learn something new! Thank you so much for your research
Very interesting and helpful. Never thought about this before, but makes a lot of sense. No wonder Buddhism is so popular with westerners. What a great concept. And very well delivered.
im currently reading her book... im not even halfway through and it has already changed my paradigm.
i love her resassuring "okay?"'s haha
Totally agree, it's almost motherly the way she speaks.
which book?
Whispering is only in the beginning, a great talk! Thanks Kristin!
You are inspiring and wonderful ♥ Thank you dear Kristin and a warm hug from me
Steps to self-compassion summarised:
1. Self kindness: Kindness over harsh self judgement. Treat ourselves like you would treat a good friend.
2. Common humanity: how am I the same as others? To be human means to be imperfect. It’s what connects us all.
3. Mindfulness: being with what is in the present moment. Accept we are suffering to give ourselves compassion.
Self criticism undermines our motivation.
This is so important and I'm so grateful to be here...
I can’t stop crying. I’m extremely grateful about this
Reading her book and just watching this to further instill this practice. Emotional well-being here I come!
11:25
Kristin - “Luckily, we aren’t just reptiles”
Audience - ::thunderous applause::
Haha and they muted it
Excellent! I'd started practicing self-compassion some time ago. But I forget. But earlier today, as I walked through the park, I remembered. Then I "stumbled" upon this video. Thanks for reminding me that I, as much as anyone, deserve my compassion. Yes, this indeed is an idea worth spreading. And I shall.
I've listened to this a couple times as it's so powerful and in alignment with what I'm studying. Thank you.
I had some tough times and self compassion helped me to accept reality which is really the very hard to swallow pill. I feel so relatable to this, thank you.
너무 훌륭한 영상이에요. 눈물이 조금 났습니다. 스스로 비판하고 자책하는 성향이 강했어요. 그래서 실패도 두려워했구요. 이제 자기 연민을 실천해보려고 해요.
That was seriously the best talk I've ever heard from TED Talks, really changed my perspective on self esteem and self compassion! Thank you Kristin!
Thank you Kristin for your research. I really need to understand self-compassion. I have had self-loathing since the third grade. And I am a guy.
When we see ourselves as connected to all others and not in competition with all others, we are well on our way to positive well being. Thank you for sharing your important research.
Dear Kirsten, you saved my life. I've read your book "Self-compassion". I have ADHD and Bipolar Disorder, so I'm no stranger to acute shame and mood shifts. Everytime I suffer I try to recall your pieces of advice, it helps. In december I will have been spreading information about your wonderful book for 2 years. It's so underrated I think.
This is great wisdom- it makes perfect sense. Self compassion has to be at the start of all that is good in life. It creates a fullness and presence which I feel is inseparable from spirituality religious or secular. Offering 3 separate components and by implication a 'how to start' guide is a wonderful gift. Thank you and I will try and accept your invitation.
Awesome, thank you
Great talk....for both men and woman.
Hermosa charla! Muchas gracias por estos espacios de aprendizaje y reflexión.
This was a beautiful speech. You have such a calming, loving voice. Stay positive, sister.
Beautiful thoughts on self compassion. I clearly understood how high self esteem can be harm to ourselves. Thank you for this clarity. I'll adopt self compassion more.
I love her family. I knew as soon as it started who she was. You have to read the horse boy and the long ride home if you haven't. Her autistic son rowan was healed in many aspects of his autism thanks to a horse and the shamans of Mongolia. Truly inspirational! :D
Maisie Moo oh of course!