7 STAGES of Trauma Bond, NOT LOVE
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- Опубликовано: 22 май 2024
- Ever felt like you couldn't break away from someone, even if you knew they weren't good for you? That's what we call a 'trauma bond' or 'trauma bonding'. It's when you get really attached to someone, even if they're not treating you right.
In this video, we'll talk about the 7 stages of this bond, so you can understand why it happens and how to deal with it. We'll also look at how this bond connects to codependency, especially in relationships with narcissists or people with NPD. Our goal is to help you see the difference between real love and a toxic attachment. If you've ever felt stuck in a bad relationship, this video is here to give you some friendly advice on how to break free and find healthier connections.
#traumabond #trauma #narcissist #npd
NOTE TO SEO: ADD POP UP CARD FOR “TOXIC RELATIONSHIP SIGNS” IN THE The Cognitive Dissonance Stage POINT
NOTE TO SEO: ADD “4 Reasons Why You Can't Leave a Toxic Relationship" IN THE OUTRO AS END SCREEN VIDEO.
Writer: Chloe Avenesa
Editor: Kelly Soong
Script Manager: Kelly Soong
Voice Over: Brandon / @littleghostyofficialtm
Thumbnail Artist: Krisha Que
Animator: FLEURI
RUclips Manager: Cindy Cheong
References:
Carnes, P. (1997). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications.
Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford University Press.
Firestone, L. (2013). The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses. Routledge.
Freeman, R. (2016). Neurobiology and the 'Bond'. The National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Herman, J. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
Weitzman, S. (2000). Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages. Basic Books.
0:52 love bomb stage
1:39 devalue stage
2:15 discard stage
2:58 hoover stage
3:25 cognitive dissonance stage
4:11 break free stage
4:54 healing stage
Thanks bruh ❤
timestamp Terry. hi.
Flying by the accident scene,site
Tammy ty?
Pitts
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Hi. I'm in a similar situation.
I believe you need some distance from her - never see her again, avoid talking to her. You can write a text pouring out your heart, leaving no loose ends (and no things unsaid), then cut ties.
Next, don't judge yourself, don't try to "get rid of thoughts of her". Instead, let the pain teach you about yourself and about the relationship. You'll become a better person and partner for the next one, but more importantly, more compassionate and loving of yourself.
With time you'll realize that you don't need her to be happy. You may need some of what she gave you, the purpose she fulfilled in your life in order to be happier, but not her specifically. The chemicals in your brain will eventually let go and allow you to open up to someone new.
It's not a fast process, but be kind to yourself and it'll happen much faster than it seems right now.
Good luck. Sending love
my relationship kinda feels like this , but im the one "manipulating" them, i genuinely didn't realize this as im slowly healing
Same, accidental manipulation... Lovebombing because I really was madly in love... Discarded her because I was going back in deep depression... Also devalued her unknowingly, autism making me blunt when I wanted to really help her improve... Isolation, well It's not me here, for she has no friends, and 2 family members. And she don't want to talk to them too much... with all of this she has a terrible self esteem and thinks everything's always her fault 😓
It explains a lot, anyway... 😢
it's amazing you're aware that you are the one who manipulating. not everyone do that. i wish you heal and forgive yourself, then you could let them go to find their happiness
@@Trucidekholy crap, that's our story too! Thankfully I realized I'm autistic among other problems and I'm trying to be better.
Think it's me too. It's so tough as she's still my best friend but the situationship turned into me inadvertently performing these toxic traits. Not sure what to do
Awesome video! A little remark though, not in all trauma bonds the "toxic" part is trying to harm the other. Many times they have no idea that they cause harm. Trauma bond happens because of the people having a bad relation with themselves, based on the distorted/unhealthy thinking patterns that they are not aware of, that are caused by different traumas they got through, especially the childhood ones.
Remember this can happen for friendships too. I was only 9 when I met my abuser, and 12 when I got out. I recognize these steps now. We were never in a romantic relationship, but what she did was unspeakable. I sometimes fear for what has become of her, but overall, I'm ok now.
Also Srry abt what happened with ur friend :(
Yup I had a controlling and toxic “friend” in middle school and high school. We were never romantically involved but she did have feelings for me, and I kind of had feelings for her. She used to use me for lunch money and homework answers, and she would try to turn me against my other friends and gaslight me into thinking everyone was out to make fun of me. She didn’t have a very good home life so I think she was jealous of me and my friends, and she also had abandonment issues so she felt the need for reassurance from me. I’m not making excuses it’s just an explanation for her past behavior. Anyway long story short during my second half of high school she moved and I was finally free from her. I do hope after all those years she’s redeemed herself. There are times when I miss the good times with me and her though.
@pancakeboi6797 you are not alone. I have been through this exact same situation ❤
I've had the situation not with love nore with a friend, but with family. It was quite exhausting for a long time term and there was no escape in the young ages.
I was in a situationship for 8 months that ended nearly 2 months ago now. She refused to date me because i didn't have my life together, which is fair. However, she constantly bombarded me with "I love you's" and "You're my everything's" throughout the entire time we were together. Two months ago, she met a guy and they started hanging out. She trauma bonded with him and in the course of a week they started dating. I was blindsided. We weren't "official" but it still feels like I was cheated on.
She'd get drunk and berate me in the evening and apologize to me in the morning. She could be so mean and aggressive. Yet, for some messed up reason, i still care for her deeply. I miss her, even though she was terrible to me 75% of the time. I'm still trying to get it together after it all happened, but it's really, really hard. I'm so lost inside 😞 💔
It’s hard .. but you’re strong and you deserve love and to be loved correctly.. you’ve got this 🌺
@rubaabdelmajeed5619 I hope you're right... I've been trying therapy and it seems to help a little.
It's called co-depency it's really unhealthy...especially when your mind starts to defend instead of breaking you away from her...don't let her into your life ever again...go no contact on her and you'll begin the journey of healing yourself
@@rubaabdelmajeed5619 I hope you're right
@lamarkagwe1870 Luckily, I have. I had some things of hers that I was going to give to her parents so I wouldn't have to see her. I told her not to contact me as I didn't want to speak nor see her. The parents thing fell through, so I got ahold of her sister, and for some reason, she lost it, saying on social media, "My nonnegotiable is that if you have a problem with me, DO NOT involve my family." All I did was ask her sister if I could drop off the book I borrowed from her.
But after that she blocked me on everything so I can't get in contact with her even if I wanted to. And if I ever find out she unblocked me, I'm going to block her, instead. This entire thing has been awful and I just want it to be over with.
I was in a situationship where I would get the "I love you" and "I miss you texts" and I thought about going back to her and maybe there could have been something different. But then, I remembered the reasons why I left, she drained me, she was toxic but also kind in both ways to others and to me, but more importantly, she has a boyfriend too. And so now, I'm just done. We all deserve better. We got this!
🫂 it'll be okay man, I know it sucks, but you can do it, it's never easy, and sometimes the world can feel like it's falling apart, but as long as you keep family close, friends close, and try to fill your time up, you'll be having fun and forget about it before you know it
And if you need to talk, you always got one person here man, I know what that's like, you aren't alone ❤️
Run
Fr bro that sounds exactly what happened to me , I empathise with ya I really do, and hope your doing better my guy.
What made me vulnerable was that I was trained to take pride in being “strong” in ignoring and suppressing my feelings from toddlerhood. So even though I was determined not to put up with being abused, on a deeper level, I could not acknowledge the feelings that indicated I was BEING abused. By the time he hit me, we were married, owned a house together, and I was 7 months pregnant with his child. I knew then that I had to leave, but had to wait several months for it to even be possible without seriously endangering myself and our baby. Even so, my life was in serious danger, and I’m lucky he moved on fairly quickly. Feelings are GOOD, they help us stay safe, even if they are inconvenient or uncomfortable! Don’t stay with someone who makes you feel icky; “bad vibes” are a totally valid reason to stop things in the first few dates! 😮💨
I've been searching online for a while now to find out what is wrong with this relationship as i've never experienced anything like this before with anyone, one minute he's sweet and kind and then suddenly he's a raving ahole and always bringing up the past about my family and having digs about at me and my past etc., and the most stupid things can trigger him, things like crumbs on the bench, and that will start a big drama about how i never clean (of course i do) and then it spirals into things he hates about my family members, .. like what has it got to do with the kitchen bench?.. i stopped seeing my family and friends (yes they've noticed) as it just adds fuel to his sick little pile of grudges he likes to bring up when something else ticks him off, but it will be a day later and he is the nicest sweetest guy on the earth, but yes this video helped explain a lot about what is going on, and it's easy to say just leave but the problem is that you're always looking for the happy days thinking those bad ones will never happen again... but they do.
I was in that same exact toxic relationship. It was usually a dark place. Please leave him. See yourself as someone worthy to actually be loved and not put down by a selfish ahole. Take some time for yourself to heal, then be open for better love.
For me, it was a friendship instead of a partner. It lasted for years, and I thought I was nothing without that friend, with everything I did depending on whether or not she'd like me more for it. Looking back at all our good times, it's sad to remember that I was walking on eggshells and had to read her expression whenever I said something remotely different. We don't really talk anymore, and my other friends have shown me what true love really looks like
Beautifully explained. To anyone going though this…you will be okay and you deserve to be truly loved and cherish. You absolutely can do this for yourself. I did after a 24 year toxic relationship. I’m single and now loving life. Sending hugs to anyone who need it ❤
24 years is a long time friend
i didn't knew, i was being the toxic one. Now i can see why she stopped talking to me, i thought things were perfect but she just sudenly dissapeared, so this is how she saw me, man i never wanted to harm her at all, because she was the only friend that i had, but my toxic behaviour and my insecurities made her leave. I tried to be more open and talk to her about these things, and that i wanted to change them because i hated how much harm they were causing to me and other around me. Maybe i opened myself too much, thinking she would understand, but in reality made her leave even more. now i only have my cat by my side, it feels strange, even tho i had a shitty life i always at least had someone, a best friend that had my back and was there to help me. But now? i have nothing but myself, it really does feel strange, not having friends, at least the last months of therapy made me learn a lot of things and slowly im learning to truly love myself and be someone worthy of being loved. im trying, i really am, im sorry if my insecurities and the bad things about me made her loose all the love and care she had, but i really want to change them. i vented a little too much, its been a couple of months since i talked to someone about this, not having friends it is really a strange experience
As a victim of this, I can tell you that after the realization hits, it's impossibile to forgive, so I wouldn't hope she'll ever do that if I were you. But at least it's good you realised how bad you were, hopefully you won't do it again with your future partner. And I am pretty sure she also learnt how to avoid people like this in the future, so that's all good. Good luck
@@eleonorabln6294 can we maybe be nicer to the original commenter? Remember he acted out of ignorance.
This is an issue I faced too. My ex girlfriend was instantly crazy about me and I loved her back as much as she did me. I devalued her unthinkingly sometimes because I grew up with harsh words, sometimes being told things that scarred me emotionally. I loved her very much, and didnt realize that her anxiety kicked up harder than I could imagine, because again, my experience growing up was just emotionally different than her. Things that were normal to me were hard to bear for her. No matter how much she tried to tell me, I didnt really get it. When she left me, I cried like a baby! So you see, to all those who hate on people who dont know how to communicate their love well, we are all just learning and growing, some of us through pain rather than having good examples.
@@abekabe678 I was nice enough, while also being honest and not edulcorating things as they most likely are. maybe try to actually put yourself in the victim's shoes, and then we can talk about it.
@@abekabe678we shouldn’t support his behaviour just because he wants to change. It’s really good that he’s trying to change but justifying his behaviour will only lead to him not changing.
I'm currently battling the pain of breakup from an abusive manipulative narcissistic relationship I had for 5 years.. it feels like so much right now like I can't overcome it. This video helped with that❤
This isn’t limited to romantic relationships. It can be a thing in any kind of relationship.
For example, I was in special ed for Autism for all of K12 school and I had a trauma bond with my SE teacher in high school. I felt like I couldn’t do ANYTHING to get out of that relationship cuz her class was imposed on me and the school wouldn’t let me transfer out of it, no matter how much I begged and pleaded for it or how good of a reason I had to be out of it. I didn’t know I was in a trauma bond with her til I watched this video, and of course I saw all these stages when she was putting me through it. She’d yell at me over petty things and then say she’d try to be better, but would just snap back into the manipulator that she always was. Thankfully, I’ve graduated high school now and I’ve cut off all contact with this woman and I’ve had a few years to rediscover who I am as a person without her in my life. It’s not easy to heal from trauma bonds like this, but it’s possible!
Never have I ever I related to any video in my whole 25 years of life.
Currently I'm back to being single. The video showed each and every stage i have been through in last one year.
Promises of marriage and children, dying in each others arms... Oof what not. I asked god for that girl but the devil listened and I payed the price.
Currently trying to love myself, heal from the past and those fake promises. Already one year but not such improvement. Hopefully I'll get back my old self so that when true love will knock my door I'll welcome it with open hands.
Bruh
Same thing dude.But i loved my self n healed from that trauma.You can too.☺️
@@PrangyaprabhaNayak glad that you healed. But sometimes loving ourselves isn't the only thing we need. Some wounds can't be self treated but only by a doctor. Hopefully I'll find that doctor be it a person or something else.
100% relate you
@@monikagin love and care to fellow members 🫂
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporessss I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporessss
This feels like a sign for me to finaly cut off my relationship. It genuinely feels like this for me.
thank god i was sentbefore you actually did it DO NOT DO THIS
If you think you should, maybe you should
@@benonaruwhy?
Timestamps
1). Love bombs 0:51
2). Devalue 1:38
3). Discard 2:14
4). Hoover 2:57
5). Cognitive dissonance 3:24
6). Break free 4:10
7). Healing 4:52
Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. 💙💙💙💙💙💙
A couple of years ago I was in one of the most toxic relationships I ever had, he took me to a deep depression and anxiety. I recognized all the stages mentioned in the video and it is true, they put you in a roller coaster of emotions where in one moment you are in the scariest point and next in the safest.
Now after a long way of healing I can proudly say that I have chose to love someone again, love is not like a roller coaster anymore.
I hope more people could get out of toxic relationships and have support around them because it is not easy, but if you want to have a healthy bond with other you should start from yourself.
I recently started falling for somone but I realized that he had too many problems going on in his life and I have too many problems so it wouldn’t work out , I don’t want to bond based off trauma I wanna bond healthy so that we can be happy and have fun , also I do want children and I don’t want them having 2 sad , hurt parents .
Literally how Valentino got to Angel Dust
Bruh
@@LeifTunteri-lm6un why? you don’t have to like the show yourself but there is nothing wrong with supporting it
Cry about it. @@LeifTunteri-lm6un
@@LeifTunteri-lm6un I don’t really believe that she is a bad person I think a lot of the dramas are exaggerated or fake
I had the same thoughts but I kept seeing stuff about the new season finally coming out and I loved the pilot so much I couldn’t resist watching it, then later I watched some videos on how the large majority of the dramas have been bs and at that point I didn’t have any reason to dislike it
Dear self,
Iloveyou
One of the best RUclips channels I've ever came across since 21, they really have got everything covered, they go and discuss all topics, I love you so much, your videos are very helpful ❤️
Thank you for talking about this. I'm glad that more and more people are learning about the patterns of narcissistic relationships. It's one hell of a thing to experience this kind of abuse. Mine lasted six years (on and off) and it's been three years since my abuser and I last talked. The aftermath of it all felt even worse to me than the abuse, but over time I've come to understand that it's normal to feel as if the world comes crushing down on you once it's finally over. If you're going through this, rest assured that it's part of the process and that it'll pass, but you have to give yourself permission to let go of them. It's your cue to focus on yourself and stop pouring your everything into people who will let you down for all eternity.
First comment!❤🎉
I’ve had a terrible trauma bond within a situationship! Sharing your video with my galpals
It is what I had with my “friend” who constantly sexually abused me when we were like 14-16 years old. I remember that time; I wanted to leave, but never was confident enough to do so as this relationship seemed like the only one I had; I wanted to tell other people, but he made me believe that I am hard to love and no one will sacrifice themselves for that
It’s been 2 years I’m free from that environment creating “my ground” and 1 year I stopped talking with him. Crazy to know that he created trauma bond with other friends of ours and convinced everyone that he is the victim
Live can be hard (tough, buddy)) but it will get alright. If you are reading it and you have such bond with someone, it will be fine and you must leave it. You are loved and you should care about yourself 💖
It's beneficial to view love as a marathon, not a sprint.
When we adopt a mindset focused on building a strong foundation of communication for long-term relationships, we are less inclined to rely on shortcuts. Sometimes, individuals begin relationships with fireworks, expecting an abundance of dopamine with each interaction, only to find that over time, their love dwindles.
I seek relationships where we gradually learn more about each other every day, deepening our love with each passing day.🙋
I prefer when the girl talk because she uses the right intonations that suits her voice and the subject about the psyche. Its giving heal your inner self/ child with me with me explaining why you are behaving that way it is more comforting.
Good! Keep making videos about trauma. I also like to know what to do if I still have impacts of past trauma such as triggers, poor attachment styles and other issues.
I went through this with a pwBPD...
It ended almost a year ago to the day.
I'm still healing.
Courage!
The audacity of pwBPD's exes to claim they are "healing"... From what? 😂😂😂
1st comment!
Tysmm for making all the awareness and comforting videos! :))🧡
Hey just loved your channel so so so much very informative and knowledgeable ❤ and yeah I've been through this toxic relationship but now I'm free from there toxicity 😊
This vdo is true. I was in a ldr online relationship he never reached for me and not even did bare minimum.I was so naive back then.I thought it was love but it was actually trauma bonding,love bumbing n emotional rollercoaster ride.wasted almost 6 yrs of my life.On and off relationship.Breaking up n back together.Finally i had the courage to leave the relationship n healed n loved myself.Now in a happy place in life where the past memories also could not haunt me 😊
We should be careful with online relationships because you never know if that person is just using you and only care about you when they need something from us.
I have bpd. If you guys are in a relationship like this, Ik it hurts. If you gotta go. I know you can’t control how you feel, but like the guy said, sometimes enough is enough and you’ll have to step away. The fear of abandonment is terrifying and I FEEL you, literally, but it’ll be okay. You have to put yourself first sometimes. You can do, just be patient with yourself.
I hope this help. If you got the wrong idea I apologize.
I see now how bad was my last relationship, we basically trauma bonded each other. I recognize somethings I did and other things she did. I'm just dumbfounded now.
Bro me too. Its rough. I have been watching things on attachment and trying to learn wtf just happened
you're describing the narcissist cycle. It's about power, winning at any cost, hurting and being condescending to feel superior at all times.
The first time I was introduced to the concept of trauma bonding, it was define to a point where I learned why I was repeatedly in relationships similar to what is described here. It's not to say that I did not have my own faults in those connections, I don't have time away to learn about these signs were a great help in finding a new love that is free of any of these traits. It also helps that the both of us are on our own emotional healing journeys, and never shy about trading notes.
If you read this far and you feel like you are too far off from having anyone in your life like this, romantically or not, keep going. You will be surprised at who shows up to not only cheer you on, but prove to you that the inner work is recognized, and even attractive 😊
I love this, the interesting thing about this is that not all relationships in this category are romantic relationships. Sometime it's with a parent and sometime certain friends. Truly beautifully explained
Im in the process of getting out of a trauma bond. This vid really helped thank you.
Finally, a video filled with good information
i had a trauma bond with my ex, it was horrible.. but now im aware of love bombing and other manipulation technics. Thank you for your video
really thanks for that, made me remember important things
This can be mutual too… I’m “inside” of one of this relationships. We broke up but still treating each one nicely because we think there is still love. But it is indeed dependence. It’s a complex situation where we still have mutual responsibilities and we’re both going to therapy on our own. I know now this but hope that the other person will realize it at some point too.
Oh my god this video described 16 years of my life what a nightmare I went through . However here I am 8 years later from exit plan living my best self it’s possible. Make your exit plan and follow through. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Many thanks for sharing. God bless you.
Some of these really hit close to me.. especially in the case of my complicated relationship with my father..
Its been 10 years since me & my family members fled from our hometown province in Negros Or. to escape from his abusive presence. I sometimes miss the simple coastal/rural life there..
Never have i ever found a video who describes my current fucked up situation more accurate
Thankyou so much for this video.
Wow, this was profound. All this happened less than a month ago. FREEDOM
Love...should never be a jail cell. Never but sadly 92% of the time it is.
Healing is ossible and there is true love out there for all... Dont give up !!!
Thank you for this honestly
This is rlly useful tbh
This helped me so much thank you
I made it to the healing stage. It took me 4 years to detach from 'my' person. Lots of lessons learned, lots of childhood traumas healed and now I am stronger than ever. I would actually add one more stage - forgiveness. True forgiveness, when you can see the whole drama from a higher perspective and thank the 'dark' person for all the harsh lessons.
Thank you, as an aspiring psychologist, it's pretty embarrassing that I needed this video to realize most of my relationships have been trauma bonds rather than love:)
After realizing I was in a Trauma Bond with someone who saved me I suddenly started to not take positivity seriously.
Hi I’m early pls like thx for such a comforting video it always helps me sleep psyc2go!!
Ive had this done to me, and now im realizing ive done the same thing to others. Man. Hurt people hurt people. But now I'm becoming a healing people. One day at a time....
Sad but true. Hope someone sees this and will be able to save themselves from this
I needed to see this.. it’s only been a couple weeks and I’m still healing🥺 all I hate is leaving someone I loved, most if not all these stages applied to me. And realizing that it really was a T bond relation ship I was in bc things moved way too fast and ended abruptly😢
It's been 2 years and a half since I met my first love and it has been messy to say the least... At first, everything was good but I was a major wreck, I had an intense need to be around them, constantly took up their time and encouraged them to be the same. Over time, I abandoned that neediness because I realised that having personal time outside of your relationship is what makes the time together really count. It was too late by the time I realised it and the sweet, loving and understanding man I had loved had turned cold and bitter. Though he never outright said it, he stopped loving me a long time ago and it's been hard to realise that no matter how I've changed now and improved myself for him, I can't win back the affection of someone I drained the love out of
if he really love you, he would be honest about his feeling from the very beginning and let you to grow. if not, then he might not want the relationship to grow...
Ey I gotta say, despite the heartbreaking story youve told us, congrats to you for realizing that neediness is also a toxic trait! My ex never realized that about herself and denied it when I softly called her out on it. I pulled back when there was too much neediness, but found a certain amount of it adorable, so I probably confused her. Shes in a relationship with some new now, and I have lost the will to honestly go on with my studied, deadlines dont scare me anymore lol. All i do is watch youtube videos. If she comes back I know I have so much to work on, literally a dozen things I did were just blatantly wrong. But I never even realized what triggered my mind to be unkind or cold to her
I lived all this. It was the most difficult thing I've been through in my life. I never had a relationship for real before that one, the trauma bond one, and before meeting him, it was like a dream to finally be living that. The sex was awesome, I felt so drawn to him, to what he made me feel, I used to feel protected by him, I felt like we were going to build something awesome together, but little did I know how much I would suffer after, and I'll be honest, he knew it would not work since the beginning and he warned me, and I didn't want to listen. I don't want to paint him as the villain and me as the victim. He was suffering inside, he knew it, and I was the one who didn't listen to him. As I was in love with him, I wanted to fight for it and I used to try to show him that what he had was valuable so he should work for it too. I think it was unfair from me when he said it wouldn't work right at the beginning. He used to lie all the time when I always tried to be honest with him, and then I would question him about the lies and he would try to run away from it. The problem is that I insist too much on people who doesn't really want something with me, and now I know I'm totally wrong for doing that and on that part it was my responsibility to get out of that. Then we ended up dating for three years, and a lot of breakups happened cause he would always do something wrong towards me and I would complain, and then he tried to run after me, telling my mom he loved me. He was very jealous and didn't want me spending time with friends, not even my family, he was jealous of all of them. He always thought I would cheat on him (and I guess that's because he was the one who was cheating on me). He would put me down with words when he felt I was better than him in something maybe in an attempt to feel better about himself. Feelings are crazy and even after all that, I really think there were moments that we really loved each other and shared good things, but it wasn't sufficient to build something for life, not at all. It's sad, but I think that it was I had to live to learn what love isn't, that passion can't sustain something for life, and that trying to communicate with someone doesn't always work if the other person is not open to talk and that I can't control other people and not better them just cause I have faith. That person need to have faith on themselves first of all, and I couldn't help him with his suffering from his past, even though I tried hard to do that. He used to say I changed him and that made me stay for so long, thinking I was close to happiness with him, forever, but it wasn't like that unfortunately. I'll never forget him and what we lived, the good parts and the bad awful parts of it. It changed me. I hope for the better. I still wonder if he's okay or not. I wanted to take his pain off, but that is not up to me. I have to let go of the control I want to exert in people's lives.
Its crazy how i saw this vid AFTER i broke up of a 5 years of relationship , I WAS SAYING the relationship was A toxic relationship but i wasnt 100% sure after watching this vid now i can say IT WAS NOT LOVE IT WAS TRAUMA BOND ,i went throw all the stages , And now im at the HEALING stage its a crazy stage in this stage u will know WHO U truly are , in my case things happen so fast now day by day i know my self better , damn 5 year is alot so it will take a bit till the healing stage is over but Alhamdulilah i broke up from that relationship life is WAY WAY BETTER NOW , if u know u r in a relationship like this come out of it it doesnt worth it u matter more , WISH EVERYONE A HAPPY LIFE ❤
This can also happen to parents. It’s hard to get out of it because growing up in this you think it’s normal. But you can heal from this and walk away from it. It just takes time self research and self education.
That feel sad being in trauma bond.
Really enlightening video! Understanding the difference between trauma bonds and genuine love is crucial. Thanks for breaking it down so clearly!
Thank you
Don't forget about the part when you roll down from that healing-mountain 🙂 and then you have to pick yourself up again and start marching up that hill once more. I'm right there with you on that mountain side. It will all be worth it! ❤
As always I love your videos🐼🐧👍
Thank u for the insight...
A story of my last relationship of 9 years which i left 2 years ago. I'm out and I'm finally free.
Totally relatable 👌
Fun part was, I was convinced(manipulated) to think it was all my fault, misunderstandings, confusions... 😅😅
I`m 33 and just going to a breakup after 8 years. Its really difficult for me because I didnt want to be with him in the beginning cuz I was really heartbroken before! He was the one pushing us into a situationship, calling it a relationship and then we lived together for 7 years where he was critizising and ignoring me while I was trying to be "good enough" to finally get what I truly wanted: love, feeling close to someone, having a deeper connection. The more I developed myself, the more I opened up and tried to be close, the worse his behavior got being more distant, belitteling and irresponsible. Here we are now ... im more heartbroken than ever, missing him, hating myself for theese feelings, beeing so afraid to ever love someone again while theres nothing I want more than to marry, have a healthy relationship and share true love.
I was struggle with toxic families who are manipulates which makes me feel uncomfortable. I decided to surround myself with positivity and creativity which is peaceful and take some time for rest when tired. Its important to prioritize mental well being from those toxic people even a family member too I should ignore with
I have not bonded with anybody in many years. My last social connections were back in 2000. It is doubtful I will ever look for amicable, nor amorous, connections ever again. The negatives of interpersonal, social, interactions, and bonds, far outnumber the tiny amount of benefits social bonds may have. It is not worth having friends and a romantic interest today. I will never seek them again.
I went through a 7 year relationship where I was the abuser. Well for the first 2 years. After that I trusted and loved her which flipped the dynamic. When she eventually left me because I started standing up for myself, it was very hard. Therapy, medication, and new friends have completely changed my life in the last 4 years. Still not ready to trust someone with marriage but in the past year I've started dating when the right gal comes around and it's been pretty nice. Maybe as I get my life back in order I can start actively dating but I'm still not there yet.
This was my last relationship, 100%. Every last step like she followed a friggin playbook. It only lasted 6 weeks and she started dating my "best friend"
Serious question, is it always that the other person willingly manipulates you?
Or can a trauma bond also just happen due to trauma of both people involved and strategies that they adapted, that are just not helpful in a relationship?
People can manipulate without realising it...
Thank you 🙏
I just realized that I'm in the same situation ship with a friend. At first, she started giving me compliments and stuff like that then suddenly she starts gossiping about myself, not taking countability for what she did, acting like she knows it all and a lot more... I just realized today that this wasn't healthy a all she took all my time in the way that I couldn't have it for myself or even exercise and do my skincare routine
Healing is extremely difficult. You can't automatically leap into self love.
It's a painful, awkward process for which you have to be very patient and give yourself tons of grace. All of it while keeping yourself accountable for your actions, not towards the other person (the abuser, f-them!) but towards the only one who will be with you your whole life (you!). Plus, one also has to learn to not feel guilty for the many times we betrayed ourselves in favor of the abuser. Tons of work.
It's all worth it, though
Spot on x
This can also happen to friendships too tbh, happened to me once. It was simple, just cut them off without giving them any explanation. If they hang around with your friends, just act like they’re not there and forget their existence, completely focusing on you and those you are having fun with. Of course, try to keep your physicaldistance between you and them too as it’s harder to think clearly around those
this video is so addictive tf
I was a victim of trauma bond, but then i broke up with her 3 months later.
A year later i found another girl and ive been with her for 5 months now, i would say we have a healthy relationship, but this video made me realize ive been showing signs of trauma bond as me as the abuser.
I will not try to be like the person who once abused me, i will be better.
I been in this for 2 years... finally broke it off this year
I hate people who use this on me.
I was in this kind of relationship for 2 years. Ups and downs was changing not everyday, but every moment... I was rather silent about my success, because he started blaming himself for being nothing. It started after one call with him, after my exam, he was talking hours how was his day and when i asked if i can say my news he was nice: "Yes of course sorry darling." So i said that i passed the exam, which was really hard for me and that teacher said, that he seeing the progress. After this words he was cold, and just said: "Aha, great." And again about himself. That was one of my first red flag situation (which i finally saw) and i started confront him about it, that is unfair that is this his whole reaction. And he started about his school and i am thinking, he is under the pressure and it is hard to listen about my success. And that i am selfish. It was hard after that 2 years seeing my positives and that i am still matter.
I send prayers for strength, happiness and everlasting joy to God and The Universe for everyone dealing with a Trauma Bonded relationship. I am just now breaking free and this BRAND NEW WORLD 🌍 IS A SCARY PLACE!
I experienced this with a girl for 8 months, it was always hot and cold, all of a sudden she has a bf and I find out she is going from guy to guy seeking attention/support and starts love boming (I wasn't alone, I'm sure it was around 7-10 guys at the same time), one day she says she wants to spend time with me and explore many thing, the next day she becomes cold and almost like everything was fake and nothing happend (it probably was) It's scary how narcistic she was. I have been to good to her and got taken adventage of, a month ago we got in to an argument about the most absurt thing ever, I did nothing wrong and she started making up scenario's and blocked me on all contact platforms before I could say something back, I know its actually a good thing it happend like this, now I'm in the healing proces and can slowly realize she could have been the worse thing ever, I stopped making excuses for her behavior and decided to go back to my own roots.
2:40 wow, they bond with you so hard that even when they’re away it hurts more so you run back to them.
❤ Just out of that relationship. It was so hard.
I'm on healing stage now, it wasn't easy but I made it this far. I'll never go back to that person again.
I was in a toxic friendship. Around the time we started chatting his girlfriend broke up with him. I know he wanted more from me than friends should want. He tricked and manipulated me in ways I will never forgive. I was younger than him and very naïve and sheltered. He was angry at me because he thought I was lying when I described some medical symptoms I was experiencing. It felt like I was trapped and hated myself. I realized something after one year had passed and immediately ghosted him. That small thing snapped me out of forcing myself to stay up late every night dispight having to get up early every morning. It was hiding an issue. I felt tired because I wasn’t getting enough sleep or so I thought. After I went to getting enough sleep my new normal was always being in some state of exhaustion. I now take medication that treats the cause of my exhaustion but not my exhaustion. It might take some time for the symptoms to disappear completely.
my ex had BPD.. crazy to see this video cos it's exactly what she did to me
last year i dreamt of my grandpa dying and it happened, then I visited my favourite prof for the first time in years, talked about it and told her I will visit next month. the day before I went my granny got a stroke, I was having nightmares among them was one where the prof's mother dies. I was so afraid it happened. and months later it was true.
I loved that prof as a mother and she always was kind and supportive to me so I wanted to do that for her since she has no family. I would visit her, give her gifts and always tell how much difference she made in my life. One time she told me to come back after 3 days because I told her I was taking meds. but when I went, a friend of hers didn't like me being there so she started humiliating me and said if I ever came again she would report me for harassment. My prof sat silent and didn't defend......
I have been writing her a novel since 2019 because she taught me one course, and the reason I am taking meds is because my heart broke when I learned that her mother died. She was my Hero and mentor and now there is possibly no way we can talk again.
I actually left a situationship because I didn't know if he was trauma bonding me or I was trauma bonding him 😫 I still really love him and I want to reach out to him but I want fate to do its work. If we ever meet again, I'll definitely love him all over again
Sometimes its more complex. Sometimes both of us have abusive traits that show as a consequence of past traumas we endured. I am seeking for help and support and want to put an end to the suffering of both us. Its more like we are so incompatible for intimate romantic relationship considering the differences of our backgrounds, but we didnt know.
My dream is that we both find peace going our way, and from a distance I could gift her million dollar things that I know she dreams of - I couldnt provide proper healing to her soul wounds. Probly made things worse since Im not perfect, and she not the type to think that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, so its full of blames of the past that never go away. While I cannot even hold a grudge for more than 1 business day. And me myself I had to leave behind old versions of myself to become even much more patient with everything, had to go back to being an introvert. Ouf, so complicated.
But thanks so much, makes me wish we would have stopped much earlier. Funny thing is that we both felt devalued by the other, we both tried to make it work, but then we both ended up living just us two which we both wanted and at the same time not really lol, I had to expose both us to some close family to get support and advice, we working on establishing peace as much possible, but we know at the end we gonna go our separate ways tho. The awesomeness of our souls tainted by so much trauma, we both done things we are not proud of tho, while all we wanted was that harmonious relationship, we both tried hard
- but then today Im realising how different our love language is ..and I promised myself to be the most kind and positive no matter what triggers occur, no matter how negative Life got her feeling. And we working a lot on more boundaries : BOUNDARIES people , thats gonna help a lot if ever you going through some like that or suspecting it might turn into this. One Love !
I went through ALL of this with a toxic 8 year old ”friendship”. Remember it’s not always a romantic relationship. Be careful out there!!
I already went throughout all these stages and learning this by myself destroyed me a little...