They never let you think for yourself or even define who you are. They have to tell you who you are. And by doing that, you are already stuck in a loop where you have to please them.
Your right on, my body knows it's in distress, between the alcohol abuse, physical abuse and the sleep depravation, a few broken bones and 5 days in ICU All to help satisfy that urge, that the brain asks for. I will be on the lookout for the exit door.. Thank you for your dedication.
I have stopped that by telling the disordered person in my life that I know exactly who he is and naming every bad vice and character flaw he has...😂 I didn't hold back. I wish I was like this from the very beginning.
@@melisentiapheiffer3034 thing is I’ve done that too, to my ex multiple times. It didn’t help or fix anything including their delusionment mainly because each time I’d come back. It does hurt them like hell initially and they remember every negative thing you’ve said and will hold it over your head. It makes you feel better at first but I find the biggest thing is silence. Makes it easier to sleep at night, doesn’t give them ammunition and I think they know when their “mask” has come off because they’re not able to manipulate you.
When I stopped the justifying, rationalizing and excusing and I really started looking at what I was allowing, it was unbelievable. It was like I had woken up from a self hypnotic state.
I’ve run into several people who are stuck in relationships where they thought they had values in common. Only to discover that they were lied to. It’s because the person they married simply imitated to ‘catch’ them and was incapable of forming their own value system! They then lived off the good reputation of the trapped spouse.
Needed this today...5 weeks free and thriving..the loneliness is the worst thing but that was there anyway. Life is peaceful now, im allowed to dance even if it is alone 😂I don't miss him I miss the false persona he falsely promised. Stay strong everyone, survive and thrive ❤❤
@@plusone8015 You are lonely in such relationships anyhow. There is no difference. In fact if you are out of the relationship at least you are at peace and free.
Kept giving chances until I've realized that I wasn't really the problem, once I got out of the relationship I felt safe and better on my own. Been going to therapy to help myself heal, and always listening to Dr. Ramani to learn more about this stuff and honestly this helps a lot.
I unwittingly did this when I got tired of the constant abuse from my ex best friend. For the last time she'd publicly humiliated me with barbed comments I went home and thought; "why have a been friends with this person for so long? I feel so drained and upset when I've been in her company? I do all the running around after her? What exactly do I get from this friendship?" And that was my moment that I vowed to never contact her again. My circle of friends became her flying monkeys. I'm happier and have found peace, alone. I honestly dont feel alone, because i have plenty to keep me busy. My lovely family and my lovely furry family, too. I think it must be awful to resent people so much that you only want to tear them down. I believe my other innocent friend is her next victim. I wish I could do something, but I believe I would come off worse from a smear campaign. Hopefully she'll figure it out and not put up with it like I did.
@guppywibble3752 I went through the same with a friend a year ago. 20 years of friendship over. Sometimes you have to tell people that your “dance card” is full.
It's bittersweet to know that other people have had to go through it too. On one level we didn't deserve it and on another that we can all relate to it. Ugh...the put downs. I'd feel really paranoid and start wishing I'd not come out to socialise. You feel like everyone must be judging you...part of you knows that not everyone is so cruel, but it really plants seeds of doubt. AT THE TIME. Now I feel sad for her that she must have wanted what I'd got, but didn't wish to share it. The way to accomplish that is by coercive control. Thankfully thanks to these clever psychologists, I started realising that it wasn't just me. That my friend was a text book malignant narcissist. She even proudly told me that she witheld intimacy from her husband if he'd dared to put a foot out of place. I understand now, what it's all about.
My narc spouse abused me for years and also gaslighted me saying that it's good for me and toughens me up. I used to believe him until recently. I left him and taking time to heal
I'm proud of you for leaving him ❤ I just left my mom too I lived with her long enough to not think about how much money I have been giving her and not have savings every month. Now I realize I earn enough money to live on my own, and she just wanted to take my money all along
Sounds like the old "beat your children, because the world is cruel," bs. Advice always doled out by sadistic people looking for justification. So sorry, best of luck healing.
Have had the horror of having two narcissistic relationships back to back. The first was six years, the second 10 months. It was the shortest one that destroyed me. I have not dated anyone now for 9 months. Still healing, but feeling stronger. It takes time and alot of therapy, but I will never be someone's 'option' again. I'm a good person and deserve to be someone's priority. If they are not consistent in their contact with you, cancel at the last moment and don't make you a priority, RUN! The sex may be great, but that is part of their plan. Do not buy the 'I am so busy' nonsense.
Thank you Dr for your channel. You helped me get out of a 12 year marriage with a narcissist about 5 years ago. I watched your videos for 2 years out of the 12 and finally build the courage to leave. Still to this day I watch your videos that continue to help me stay away. Blessings be poured upon your life 🙏🏼 ❤
You're better than me. He had to leave me, because I refused to leave... Because I have fear of abandonment of BPD, and everyone always left him (cuz he's NPD) (and I had no idea what that was 20yrs ago} so I promised to always be there. I knew he was cheating and lying, and I still couldn't leave. I did my part of the marriage. And I made him divorce me because I wouldn't file; let him have to sort out "his reasons" for breaking our marriage vows and explain it to God. I hope he repents before he dies, because I truly still do care for him and love him, even though we're not together anymore. I can't hold that HATE on my heart. I had to keep forgiving him and also forgiving myself for feeling mad, until I got to the point where I don't feel bad anymore.
Warrior… Like your on-line name! I have Considered myself A Warrior for ‘The Most High’ for 2 1/2 Decades of Saying World Prayers! Glad you Got Away fm. your Narc! I realized my Marriage was over ~ when I could Never put one of our Marriage Pictures on the Wall… Even for our 10 Year Anniversary! 🙏🏻💛🔆🕊🍃
Asking the question 'What is it that you like about this person?' is a great excercise. I asked myself 'What is it that I like about my mother?' And the answer was: She is needy. She is like a child that I have to take care of. It is a suffocating relationship. I feel like I'm tied to her and I'm completely dominated by her needs. The relationship is ruining my chance to have a rich independent life. But there is a strong connection there... I always thought that was love.
I've just come out of a narcissistic/sociopathic relationship and this was the number one reason I didn't leave. Thank you so much for the work you do.
This video triggered a memory. I remember having panic attacks at the thought of my dad dying and him being unavailable to give me advice about life. What a painful joke. It was a trauma bond. I've been doing just fine since I went no contact 7 years ago.
I like the background in this video more than I'll ever like a narcissist. I live with one myself, so I understand some things ... I was alive and functioning for many years before they came along and I can do it again. This is the thinking that has kept me sane and help me hold on to my childlike wonderment and individuality.
Excellent definition. I'm definitely trauma bonded and get googly eyed even thinking about my narc ex, there are so many good things about him that I love, but the bad outweighed the good by far and just got worse and worse until it nearly destroyed me. Understanding all this is what empowered me to move on. Still need to watch these videos regulary to not forget and relapse.
I admire you honesty so much. Your words are filled with bravery, empathy, vulnerability and self understanding ❤. I really needed to read this today because my boyfriend is an abusive narc who has done SO many deal breakers, that while cognitively I understand I should break up (should have never started) I am still here for whatever emotional, subconscious or somatic reasons. You are so strong. Keep doing you. ❤🎉🔥 Wishing you the very best on your journey.
Everyone should listen to their gut instincts, which we tend over ride with relatives and co-workers. Those gut instincts will throw up warning signs, but the Narcissist can and will dance on a needle to change your thoughts which should be an additional warning sign or gut instinct. They never and I mean never change, just watch as an observer and you will see the same game played with everyone they meet.
One person I know who is in trauma bonded relationship, once said she liked that her partner is ''very persuasive, thinks rationally and brings fresh perspective to the table''. I remember saying very similar things to my therapists when I was in this position myself. Idealisation of a partner and of some actually difficult experiences, even being manipulated on a daily basis, is often a part of trauma bond. Therapists usually stop when they get this type of an answer because it feels insincere. If this question is a part of a regular conversation it may pass unnoticed, or at least will not be challenged. That's why therapy is crucial in going narc free.
The Internet in many ways is a blessing. If I did not have access to your videos Dr.Ramani, I would have gone from a promising young driven woman, to giving it all up. I am so grateful.
I can't live with them/I can't live without them.. Now I see why I was for such a long time in a relationship with someone narcisistic.. that was my continuous thought that I can't live without this person.. Athough I knew from inside something was very wrong in our relationship, I couldn't leave because it felt like I couldn't live without this person in my life.. it makes all so much sense now! THANK YOU ❤️
When I was asked what I liked about my narc ex when we were together, I felt the "magical" and "never felt this before feeling", but I also definitely had an answer because everything I admired about him were part of his mask… and since I fell for the mask, I fell for that qualities he displayed while wearing it! I’d say he was kind, and driven, and patient, made space for my feelings, good with kids, funny, considerate…the list goes on. This is tricky though because you only realize later once you’re out of the relationship that what you loved/admired about them was their mask. Now, the hard part is believing that an honest person really exists. Building trust is going to take a long time😂
It took me a long time to stop looking back at who he use to be while wearing the mask and staying focused on who he is now. Now that I've made a decision to break the bond, I went no contact because I didn't want him hoovering or putting the mask back on.
5:30 This!!! After 25 years of being trauma bonded to a covert narcissist, I wasn't willing to admit it even though it was there all the time. It was ONLY when I ready for it to end that I stopped being in denial. These videos are so helpful in keeping me from going into denial ever again. Thank you Dr Ramani.
This is how I've always felt about my mom. We get along much better when I'm living elsewhere, and when she hasn't heard about my current stressors. It feels like unfinished business.
In 2017, I went to a marriage retreat with my wife. They gave us a little chalkboard that had “I love you because“ written on it, and we were supposed to fill that in every once in a while to remind each other why we love each other. That was over six years ago and I’ve never been able to think of anything to put on the chalkboard. It hangs in our room and makes me wanna throw up
The blank board would be from my husband. It hurts. I could actually still find affection I’m so bad off. Blessings to you, and maybe take down that chalkboard?
I trauma-bonded with my mom. She was a habitual liar and often abandoned us all our lives to go gamble our money away (we were already very poor and we often had no food). She tried to be my “best friend” but I don’t have a genuine thing I actually like about my mom, considering a lot of our “bonding” was fake.
I can relate to that "friend zone" relayionship with narcissistic mother. 😢 I'm her lady in waiting, her parent and her servant too. She often speaks to me like she was 15 year old talking to another 15 old or to a big sister / parental figure. The intimate details she has been revealing to me all my life are just way too much. And, I can never tell anything about my life in depth because she attacks me like a violent beast right away! Like when I opened about my loved one's suicide to her long ago. She attacked me instantly! It unleashed the narcissistic rage! 😢 I was so heart broken then, I almost lost my mind - and she got angry because I told her! 😭💔💔💔
I dont think I trauma bonded with my parents but it is still hard to get out. My mom recognizes this partially and is trying to help me connect with services. However, the process isn’t fast and I don’t know how much longer I will have to live with them for. I did trauma bond with someone else but I am no longer in contact with that person. It just feels so frustrating when I have to continue to live with my parents. I did try to move out in August but the climate was not right as the place I was trying to move to really didn’t need more people so it was an impossible situation. I will try again soon and hopefully have better luck. Continuing to live with my parents, makes me feel like I am not living real life.
We learned not to tell mom anything. Never knew when she'd freak. Sometimes she'd be really loving and understanding...but it felt like she was trying to milk more pain out of a situation than was really there, if that makes sense? Sometimes she'd 'steal' emotions, reacting as if they hurt her more. Sometimes she'd just say or indicate that she was bored talking about whatever it was. And sometimes she would have a complete freak-out meltdown. It was the end of the world as we know it! No way to know which reaction you'd get, but they all sucked. As we grew up, we formed the sibling code: "don't tell mom" and "don't be a buzzkill." Seriously. My sister cut her leg on something once when she was a teen. It was late and her friends were over. It was a really deep gash, and needed stitches. She chose to bandage it with lots of neosporin, and let it be a huge scab for a couple of months. 30 years later you can still see the scar. Mom never knew.
I put up with it for years. There was no other option for me. I did not have the financial resources to fight or move to another part of the country or quit my job and start over. That is what it really boiled down to for me. I was totally over a barrel and just had to suck it up and put up with him. When he died suddenly, I was upset upon finding him. After I got over the shock of finding him dead, there was a huge inner peace that descended upon me.
Same for me. When I woke up one morning & he was dead in his recliner, all I felt was relief. The shame is, that’s all our kids felt too. Life has been so good without him & Im learning who I am again after decades.
Some of us are more than ready and happy to live on our own. Money issues are keeping me here for the time being. Lots of gray rocking, ignoring and learning to not feel guilty about it.
It really is crazy to think that everything that I went through was not just my experience. Every time I listen to you, Dr. Romani, I am affirmed with what I was going through and the decisions that I’ve made. My last two relationships have been with narcissists. I’m now in therapy, and broken up with my ex. Every time I think about reaching out to him, I listen to your videos… And it helps me to stay focused on the forward.
I feel the same way. Except I'm finally in a place where I have no desire to reach out to him after being trauma bonded for 25 years. Went back and forth many times before but so happy to be free now. At 61, I'm still healing and I'm determined to not waste any more of my years. Keep growing your strength and I wish you well.
I did divorce my narcissist and miss her dearly. I do have a long list of things I really liked about her, she was an amazing but troubled person. She was very abusive at times with rage and physical violence. It was extremely hard to leave her because she had extremely great attributes and extremely bad attributes. I wish it had been mostly bad so i wouldn't miss her so much.
This is me exactly. And yes, I want to find a therapist who understands Narcissism and Trauma Bonding. There is relief in self discovery. Thank You Dr Ramani for your expertise.
It is really hard to find therapists who understand narcissism I have found. Be careful as it is much easier for the narcissists to turn the story around against you.
Your channel has been a really important resource for me during my divorce from a covert narcissistic emotional abuser. Breaking the trauma bond has been the hardest thing I've ever done. For others who are going through this and perhaps reading these comments - you may feel like you will never be the same. you may feel like you cannot function at the same capacity as before, your memory may be affected, you may not be able to sleep. You may feel completely destabilized and lost. I finally, after about 14 months of living apart and 3 months of no contact am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. I see myself coming back to myself. I am able to access happiness again and am feeling confident and capable. I wanted to share some words of encouragement for those who might be in the depths of the abyss right now. If you build a ladder one day and one rung at a time you can climb out of the abyss!
Dr. Ramani, I just want to thank you for this channel, I've been watching for few years, I'm 33 now and while it's taken me 12 years of no contact, I finally stood up my narcissist enabler father and told him like it is. That I'm done being used, that I remember the abuse everyone else sweeps under the rug and unless he sees the truth and leaves my covert narcissistic mother, I don't want any contact with him or my sibling flying monkeys. God, it feels so good to stand up to an abuser, he's no less guilty than she is. I sent the email, and I can't stop smiling. I never thought I would have the courage, but you have helped me see my light. Whatever repercussions come from it, if they try to attack me, it will be less painful than continuing as I have been, shrinking myself for fear of hurting someone else's feelings. The man is 60, and the siblings are 30 or older, if he can't take the truth, that's not on me. God, it feels amazing to stand up for myself, finally! thank you, thank you, thank you so much, blessings to you and your family.
No contact has served me so well. It was extremely hard but so worth pursuing. I had to. These people made me soooo sick. Living alone with many animals means I have to look after me 100%. I have to eliminate anything that might be toxic. My animals mean way too much to me. I mean way too much to me
I was in the "can't live with/can't live without" cycle for YEARS until one single sentence broke it all, and I found my freedom. I realized I'd rather be alone than continue to go down the path I was on
@@zeekay3205 sure. In the long run it is best for most people to be in a relationship again. We are social creatures. But dr. Ramani is more inclined to stay single and her vulnerable followers are being influenced by her personal choice. We can even say that it is narcissistic to stay alone (narcissistic self sufficiency) fooling ourselves that we dont need anyone or that others are not worthy. This is all I have to say about it.
I think Dr. R has said repeatedly to take time to be alone before getting into an intimate relationship. I haven't heard her advocate for becoming hermits.
Some of us are also just done with that part of life. There isn't a strong desire for an intimate partner and romance anymore. It's an intense desire in your 20's. Once you hit 50 or 60, (can't speak for everyone) it's different. You can have sex and romance, sure. But you don't feel that driving need for sex and romance. If somebody is cool with friends and pets, and isn't yearning for someone in their bed, cool.
Looking back now, I can’t believe I made this statement, but I actually said that I would rather die by his hand than to live without him! Yikes! Out almost 2 months now. Still fighting to break the hold of that trauma bond, but making progress.
My ex and I really did have common interests and we really did love spending time together! I think that’s why it was so confusing for me over time. It was a 20 year relationship. As I’ve come to learn more about neglectful narcissism, I better understand why it was so difficult. He wasn’t constantly abusing me in the classic grandiose narcissistic ways. But he wasn’t doing much that was good either. That’s the neglect. As the years went on, more classic forms of narcissistic abuse became more and more common and that’s when I began to have more and more symptoms of anxiety and stress and become more and more unhappy and I would say to my therapist ”I’m not happy but I don’t see myself leaving” and it took a long time till I was able to see myself leaving and then I left.
Blessings to all you survivors. Know in time that your wounds will heal. Thankful for Dr Ramani and others that take the time out of their busy schedules to educate us❤️❤️
Yes I get times when I think is he relly that bad, and i have to remind myself YES he is, he is entitle, grandiose, selfish etc etc and does not validate my feelings. He is fine if ALL his needs are met.
I stayed because I felt that someone needed to be there for my mum; she had had a Hell of a life when she was a kid, in an orphanage where they beat the kids( found that out when she was talking in her sleep in hospital with Sepsis) so I took the putting down etc but then I found out later that she didn't want me there and even though one of my siblings was nasty to the family she wanted to us to move in with them. She also knew about what I was going through with my stepdad and didn't protect me; I don't feel anything about her now.
I'm stuck and don't know how to get out. You're right - your mind is one hell of a gaslighter. It keeps telling me I won't make it without him even though I am the primary earner (but it it never specified WHY I won't be able to).
It takes something to push you over that line to leave. It took 3 therapists for me. They were very patient with me but I could see in their eyes what they were saying. I think that can be achieved with podcasts like yours to get one to trust their own thinking. Doctor Ramani, you are important to the process.
You make me so happy my dad made a point to teach his kids how to spot an abusive relationship my ex boyfriend tried the whole I will end myself if you don’t stay with me stchik and I shut that down right away and called him out on emotionally abusive tactics it’s one of many reasons why we’re not together anymore and I can definitely tell you why I love my new partner I wrote it all out in my vows that I will recite on Halloween this year
I am 100% trauma bonded to my ex best friend/neighbor ( instant access to each other being so close). When I had enough I knew I had to cut her out, and I did. But I felt exponentially worse right after. I felt great guilt, confusion and felt like I was just a lot person without this friendship. I still have to make the self talk telling myself that the relationship wasn't healthy. Walking in eggshells, and being fearful isn't normal. Neither being stonewalled when I am expressing my hurts and feelings.
Thank you Dr Ramani now it’s the situation going on , my sister is the continuing narcissistic ways after our mother ways to divide us , a year after her passing R.I.P. , the painful recovery as the scapegoat is for myself without them to admit the abuse ! I try to get well ,for a log time , years of canceling to the day !
I work for an incredibly narcissistic and toxic team of senior managers. The amount of nastiness, gaslighting and undermining that myself and my colleagues put up with is soul destroying. It's not as easy as my friends make out - "oh just report them to HR/everyone just quit and get a new job". The bravery and gall that takes just isn't possible for us because we're so beaten down and rely on regular income. I have however just had an offer completely out of the blue to work somewhere else - it's a bit more money and I would be able to work from home a lot of the time... it sounds amazing. But... why on Earth do I feel so uncomfortable and frankly scared about leaving? The daily negative feelings have sort of become a comfort blanket of routine and at least I know what im getting... I've never considered myself trauma bonded, but this video makes a lot of sense. Thanks Dr Ramani... I'll talk to my therapist about it next week :)
Thank you so much for this video today. I needed to hear it as I am struggling again with doubts and everything in between a rock and a hard place. This is so hard.......................... Stepping away from all family and now getting pulled back into it because one sibling is suffering from incurable cancer and one sibling has reached out. We haven't been close in years, but that is only one of the issues. We had dysfunction growing up and everyone went their own way, but now that we are all aging, there is a desire for a connection from some. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not ready, but I can't be unkind to the brothers at this point. Just wish we I didn't have to set myself up after all the hard work of accepting it the way it is. I'm struggling for sure. Thanks so much, Dr. Ramani, you're so helpful............. My real problem is the oldest sister, so I'm not wanting to get involved for fear it will all go back to her. Yikes!
Good luck. Remember to set firm boundaries around them. Your first allegiance is to your own peace of mind. You don't owe them anything. Family doesn't get a free pass for abuse or unkind anything even when they become ill. You can have empathy without entrapment.
Thank you for this explanation. I've been curious about trauma bonding. I don't think I have it with my narcissist because I can imagine my life without him. Yet, I understand how others feel like they can't live without their abuser and they might not be in a position where they can leave for whatever reason. I hope they realize the freedom of breaking away and that they can one day achieve it.
I have never had a trauma bond addiction to a narc, as soon as figured out what they are i dropped them instantly and went no contact. It might take some time but as soon as there mask drops i get so disgusted i i don't want anything to do with them. But i had two back to back relationships with BPD partners years long with trauma bond addiction. And most of the time what you say are spot on, but this time what you describe does not reflect a trauma bond addiction to BPD persons at all, for me at least.l. Because that was as horrible and abusive as it was intense, and the horrible parts and the extreme volatility and abuse made the good times feel WAY WAY more intense like the strongest drug you can imagine and just as addictive. And anytime anyone would have asked your probing question i would had zero problem giving detailed answers. I thought i was helping i thought i was strong enough, but no one is strong enough to sort out someone with BPD who is not in treatment and in remission, if there even is such a thing. People tell me there are cases of some who have managed to sort themself out and stop being abusive to the people close to them, but i would not take my chances. Anything good that can come from that is not worth the trauma. It almost destroyed me and i will never be the same again. Run fast and far, go no contact never take the abuse, it will not get better. DO NOT LET THEM GET CLOSE. The closer you let them the worse they will hurt you. I keep attracting narcs and BPD partners, i don't trust myself to not get in to these situations again so i just do the monk mode for now. Regular connections feels so bland in comparison, getting in to situations like these really messes with your perceptions and expectations of what is normal. And please any BPD sufferers/apologists reading this who get triggered, please don't respond. We know your worst fear is being called out, exposed and left behind. But i am not here for you, you have done enough already. I am trying to help others who still have a choice to not get close and to change to something much worse from the experience. Trauma bond addiction is horrible, worse than an addiction to a drug because you can sober up from a drug addiction but you can not sober up from deep trauma, that shit stays with you forever.
I've learned and grown and am ready to go. Been sleeping in another room for a year. But I'm disabled and dependent on him practically and financially. Been turned down for disability benefits.
Yes, that helped. No kidding when trauma bound from family members. I also get shame for disconnecting. It makes me sick, rage comes on. I feel better when i am disconnected.
Thank you so much for this video. I've been trying to accept the end of an unhealthy relationship that I know has included a lot of trauma bonding but I haven't been ready to really cut ties and fully move forward. I still might not be where I'd like to be in relation to getting past this relationship but I feel very understood and like it's okay to still be on a path towards a goal rather than NEEDING to have achieved the goal.
I live with out them. As of recently i decided to out a realtionship that was taxing and heavy from the fakery, and false trauma bond. I doubted myself for a few years then backed away from the relationship to see what it really was, based on dependancy. So happy to out of that group of people and a particular individual that was soooo draining. Thanks Dr. Ramani for all that you do. ❤❤❤
Most of my relationship must be trauma bonded. My justification has always been 2 sayings. 1. they are not as bad as they could be/most are worse. 2. Better the devil I know than the devil I don't. I was raised in an abusive household where I saw my father physically abuse and beat my mom. My brothers and I, from childhood were verbally and emotionally abused by this man. He would fly into rages where he would turn purple with rage and scream at us and threaten to kill us, or to commit suicide so that we wouldn't get his insurance and we would starve and die because mom was useless and wouldn't be able to take care of us without him. None of the relationships I have had since I went into the Navy at 18 to get away from that house were as bad or toxic as the one I saw between my mom and my father. So, I have tolerated some pretty shitty relationship because none of them were as abusive to me as my father was to my mother, and I guess I sort of felt that I had no right to be treated any better than she had been. I did end my marriage to my second husband, the father of my two girls after about 6 years because even though I had taken verbal, emotional, financial and some very minor level physical abuse from him, he actually got physically rough and started screaming at my youngest girl one evening when I had been bathing her and she got soap in her eyes and started crying. I went at him when he had grabbed her arm to pull her out of the tub and he lost his grip. I that shoved him backwards over the toilet, grabbed my baby and went into the kids room where my other daughter was and locked their door. Grabbed something to wrap my daughter in , and climbed out the window and went to the neighbors to call the police. This incident happened over 40 years ago, in Texas, and even though domestic response experience are not great now, they were worse back than. Police came, not much happened because although he had been drinking, he actually wasn't so drunk as to be dumb enough not to know he had to pull himself together. And he was actually the one with an injury, so technically if I had pressed charges on him that night to go to jail, he could have pressed charges on me. That pretty much ended the marriage, even though it limped along for a few more weeks until I could get away. There was one more marriage that lasted 25 years. There was no physical abuse at all, not a whole lot of verbal abuse, but a lot of emotional abuse. Lots of invalidation and criticism. Lots of telling me how he wanted me to dress, how he wanted me to wear my hair, how I was supposed to act around others. And a whole lot of isolating me from others as the marriage went on. It wasn't too bad while my girls were still home, but once they moved out, he eventually even tried to isolate me from my girls, even though my girls actually considered him their daddy. Eight years ago he decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore because I was no longer the woman he married. And to my surprise, after all of the years and all of the changes I made for him so I would be more worthy of him and acceptable, I realized he was absolutely right. And suddenly this person I had spent 25 years thinking I couldn't live without was someone who I had no intention of jumping through one more hoop for to prove I was worthy. I am in therapy so that I can spend the rest of my life content to be who I am instead of being willing to change myself for a devil just so I don't have to be alone.
Thank you for defining what is, and why I'm finding it hard to leave my 30 yr marriage. I just keep swinging around in circles. I'm seeking help, but it's really not easy to get out of my headspace and step away.
I reacted differently I took on more responsibilities when he didn’t feel responsible and therefore I never felt dependent but I guess when I returned from the therapy I had made up my mind either there is a change in the relationship or it just won’t work because I didn’t feel like staying depressed. He refused everything talking problems over in general with friends, with me, with the bank…he threatened friends with calling the police if they would visit. It takes two people to make a relationship work. He continued in his ways until he died, was married several times .. but it was always the women s fault when it didn’t work.
Stumbled upon this video when I just realized I was on a trauma bonded relationship with my husband and starting to identify his abuse which I used to believe was because of my fault . I was grieving and this video gave me some clarity
I’ve been binging this content for months since escaping my narcissist and not fully understanding trauma bonding but now I understand. Trauma bonded was our relationship above all other factors plus I have adhd. Omg she tried to colonize my freaking soul. Omg it was so dark. There’s no question in my mind she has a personality disorder. I was never even attracted to her in the first place. She just set up shop in my life and I paid for everything and invested in her and she abused me terribly, it was nuts. 3.5 years later I’m 41 years old and she’s gone and I’m proud of myself for getting out but it had to get unbearable first yes Lord! Now I have to figure out who I am for real and do something generative because there are NO shortcuts, I tried them.
Trauma bonding is hell on earth 🤦♀️ cognitive dissonance over the moon 👩 after several attempts to escape by gray rocking he finally just disappeared & the relief was tremendous 👩 the fear that I can’t make it on my own is still there & I daily remind myself that there’s nothing to fear now but fear itself
Thank you so much for your videos! For the last 12 years I have been with my absolutely wonderful new wife. But I am still struggling with the damage caused by my narcissistic ex wife! I was married to a narcissist for seven years, and as our youngest daughter finally was old enough for living half time with me, I finally left my narcissist wife! Shared custody was hell as even in Sweden the mother in practice has the upper hand in legal matters! I sought help from social services, but they always believe the mother. I watched my daughters suffer, but I was powerless as nobody believes the disgruntled father... I recently discovered your videos, and they really help me in my healing!
I'm 46, only broke away quite literally one year ago. Lived with my narcissistic mother and sister not just in childhood but as an adult. I struggle every day with guilt and missing them. In the past I only lasted a few months before going back when they dangled that love carrot. I'm terrified I can't do this and I really am crazy and mentally immature like they always said.
You CAN do it. Have faith in yourself you’re stronger than you think. It’s hard at first to think rationally instead of emotionally but stick with it. Try making a 2 column list of pros and cons of the relationship and put in writing some of the worst offenses and make yourself look at them when the emotion is overpowering your common sense. 👍
If you haven't reached out or heard from them in over a year, that is a clear sign you can live without one another. Keep that in mind, cuz it means you're doing better than you thought.
There is a lot online basically validating trauma bonds as a "spiritual" connection, like soulmates and twin flames. Yeah, that happens when they break down your boundaries and you're enmeshed.
I think they are spiritual connections -just in the worst way. I think religion calls them soul ties. This scripture comes to mind: "whatsoever you bound on earth shall be bound in heaven and whatsoever you loosen on earth shall be loosen in heaven."
In a way, yeah. It feels deep and real... Like you're intimately connected and they really know you. When it comes to this connection with a narcissist, it's actually projective identification and introjective identification. "When a person expels a bad object, it may well be into another person. Projective identification involves projection into another object and then identifying with the object (often a person). This keeps bad parts of the self at a safe distance without losing them. Introjective identification Where a person finds another person attractive in some way, then they will often take a part of that other person and introject that part into their own ego. In this way, they become more like the admired person. Also, having a part of that person in them, they feel closer to them and usually like to be physically and emotionally closer to them, perhaps for fear of distance leading to the introjected part (particularly if it is not fully internalized) being lost."
The mistake is when you project your good qualities because you make the mistake of seeing their false self (likely a hero or savior) as the real Self.
@@HaruKomorebi I'm always fascinated by the phenomena of projection. You did a great job explaining it. So would you say the narcissist actually draws out the projection, like making themselves a blank canvas? I always felt the covert narcissist I was with was observing me closely, was always agreeable and never revealed much about his 'likes'.
@@HaruKomorebi years ago before I knew anything about trauma bonding or narcissism, I wrote this poem. ' Do I not see myself in you, reflected back to me, do I not long to love that which is in me but I can not see...'
for me, a red flag i should have paid attention to was them saying they put a super low value on sex, and then sending me nudes to make themselves feel better. if sex is of such low value, why did they have to turn a good friendship into a sexual thing when I was perfectly happy the way it was.
and why did i let them? because I'm so alone and it's difficult to say no when I'm feeling like someone is finally paying attention to me. I've cut myself off from pretty much the whole human race aside from what i type in the youtube, 2 online friends, and my mom. everyone else is a danger to me currently. I need therapy, but I can't really deal with that until I get my neck looked after, and it's currently held in a mostly stable state by the max dose of suboxone. 46 more days until mri. I'm assuming it's gonna be another 2 weeks to a month after that and I just have to exist in this state of barely contained agony but suffering under the illusion that I can do SOMETHING.. ANYTHING thanks to just the right level of analgesia, which is literally the only thing I've ever wanted but never been able to get until I got on to the heroin. should have done that 20 years ago lol [All i needed was the weed and it just wasn't possible in my disabled poverty stricken state, and my mom sure as heck wasn't paying for that stuff back then]
now that I finally convinced my mom that I was going to die living with her presumably undiagnosed ocpd symptoms that I've only just realized as the best way to describe, plus her boyfriends histrionics 24/7 because she let him "work" at home with the main level being "open" concept of the house so no privacy when going to the kitchen as the "working" bf was watching tv in the living room, also the same recent realization. furthermore, my neurodivergence is definitely way up there and I've been masking my entire life and I've only just been able to be myself for the past year, the year prior was entirely traumatic in trying to figure out how to be me on my own because of the forced living conditions I was dealing with for the previous 15 years and how isolating it was living with such a controlling person in control of literally every aspect of your life because you'll die if you don't let her control you. it took a huge fight for her to even realize she had that power over me and was using it irresponsibly
Fear of retribution, stalking, harassment, increased violence, the smear campaign, trespassing, breaking into the house, and their revenge, and also having to co-parent and leave an impressionable vulnerable child alone with that abusive monster. AI left 32 years ago; he turned our lovely daughter into his flying monkey and taught her how to abuse me.
So odd.. I have lived entire life- parent to spouse- eggshell walking.. it is my norm- so, do ai have history, and good memories.. yes.. but The physical weariness of adjusting to moods, moments of rage.. have come with a price.. I am worn out. 😢
I nominate Dr. Ramani for a World Peace Prize for her unflagging dedication to the victims of narcissism and her uncanny ability to shine light on the wounds of narcissism so that we all may heal. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani!
This is helping me learn why my Mom still takes it after 55 years of marriage. And why she expresses an opinion with me of ndependence, then changes her mind when around dad. I'm learning to see her as a victim and flying monkey, seeing things that I didn't see when young. Makes me mad at him, pity but still mad at her for letting him dictate.
This is so true, Ive experienced trauma bond at the abuse of others interfering with a relationship then they ran away and haven't looked back and when they have it's been about revenge, eek. They don't even know a thing about me yet we were meant to spend some time together. The relationship that never happened it was only a trauma bond and seperation, moving forward is a must even if it hurts a lot
Going through a lot of emotions.... Trying to leave a narcissistic abusive relationship, but now he's love bombing and future faking (though maybe he believes or intends it??) and I feel awful, crying all the time, because I'm lying to him or leading him on in order to keep peace or not upset him, while I'm in the process of leaving...
Just exactly how sick can you get from stress? From walking on egg shells all the time? From having the gut feelings/signs of cheating, but not enough proof so you can't say anything because you don't want the neighbors to hear him yelling that he's sick of you not trusting him? Or trying to do more errands, even though that makes you more sick, because yesterday he was mad about "doing everything all of the time"... Now you're really sick and he's more mad about not getting sex. I've been disabled 15 years now but recently started getting extremely ill. Lost 50lbs in a month for absolutely no reason! Drs can't figure out why. So many symptoms... I feel like I'm dying. 😢 and stuck. GBY all ❤️
It’s weird without them their is peace but I miss them and am still drawn to them and their craziness! The addiction is so strong..the draw to try and Hoover myself back in or the hope that they’ll Hoover even though I KNOW the relationship isn’t healthy and that’s hoping for either isn’t healthy. Thank G-d for your videos and others that are putting out source material to help. I mean I have answers like that for why o love her but I also wondered why the hell I was in the relationship as well!
They never let you think for yourself or even define who you are. They have to tell you who you are. And by doing that, you are already stuck in a loop where you have to please them.
Your right on, my body knows it's in distress, between the alcohol abuse, physical abuse and the sleep depravation, a few broken bones and 5 days in ICU All to help satisfy that urge, that the brain asks for. I will be on the lookout for the exit door.. Thank you for your dedication.
I have stopped that by telling the disordered person in my life that I know exactly who he is and naming every bad vice and character flaw he has...😂 I didn't hold back. I wish I was like this from the very beginning.
@@melisentiapheiffer3034 thing is I’ve done that too, to my ex multiple times. It didn’t help or fix anything including their delusionment mainly because each time I’d come back. It does hurt them like hell initially and they remember every negative thing you’ve said and will hold it over your head.
It makes you feel better at first but I find the biggest thing is silence. Makes it easier to sleep at night, doesn’t give them ammunition and I think they know when their “mask” has come off because they’re not able to manipulate you.
Best to place 1,335 miles between u . Because they don't know why they liked u ...just misery loves company. Or so I've been told by a valued friend
Narc survivor is just here to poach viewers from Ramani
When I stopped the justifying, rationalizing and excusing and I really started looking at what I was allowing, it was unbelievable. It was like I had woken up from a self hypnotic state.
Sending healing love to all who have suffered and are suffering ❤
Thank you!
Asante & right back atcha babe. 😊
Thank you....sending love back...x
❤
Oh , I feel so healed right now 😑
I’ve run into several people who are stuck in relationships where they thought they had values in common. Only to discover that they were lied to. It’s because the person they married simply imitated to ‘catch’ them and was incapable of forming their own value system! They then lived off the good reputation of the trapped spouse.
Needed this today...5 weeks free and thriving..the loneliness is the worst thing but that was there anyway. Life is peaceful now, im allowed to dance even if it is alone 😂I don't miss him I miss the false persona he falsely promised. Stay strong everyone, survive and thrive ❤❤
Loneliness is hard but abuse is intolerable and insufferable and erodes one’s integrity…
@@plusone8015 You are lonely in such relationships anyhow. There is no difference. In fact if you are out of the relationship at least you are at peace and free.
Pour your energy into something positive that you love, it will help you heal.
Eckhart Tolle put it this way: "Only when you have truly had enough suffering in your life are you able to say, I don't need it anymore."
Amen to that. I've certainly put in my time. ❤
I like his another quote "fed up with being unhappy."
Kept giving chances until I've realized that I wasn't really the problem, once I got out of the relationship I felt safe and better on my own. Been going to therapy to help myself heal, and always listening to Dr. Ramani to learn more about this stuff and honestly this helps a lot.
I unwittingly did this when I got tired of the constant abuse from my ex best friend. For the last time she'd publicly humiliated me with barbed comments I went home and thought; "why have a been friends with this person for so long? I feel so drained and upset when I've been in her company? I do all the running around after her? What exactly do I get from this friendship?" And that was my moment that I vowed to never contact her again. My circle of friends became her flying monkeys. I'm happier and have found peace, alone. I honestly dont feel alone, because i have plenty to keep me busy. My lovely family and my lovely furry family, too. I think it must be awful to resent people so much that you only want to tear them down. I believe my other innocent friend is her next victim. I wish I could do something, but I believe I would come off worse from a smear campaign. Hopefully she'll figure it out and not put up with it like I did.
Yes, we can’t rescue anyone but ourselves. 💕
@guppywibble3752 I went through the same with a friend a year ago. 20 years of friendship over. Sometimes you have to tell people that your “dance card” is full.
This sounds like what I experienced, with my ex-best friend. So many barbed comments, put downs while out in public.
It's bittersweet to know that other people have had to go through it too. On one level we didn't deserve it and on another that we can all relate to it.
Ugh...the put downs. I'd feel really paranoid and start wishing I'd not come out to socialise. You feel like everyone must be judging you...part of you knows that not everyone is so cruel, but it really plants seeds of doubt. AT THE TIME. Now I feel sad for her that she must have wanted what I'd got, but didn't wish to share it. The way to accomplish that is by coercive control. Thankfully thanks to these clever psychologists, I started realising that it wasn't just me. That my friend was a text book malignant narcissist. She even proudly told me that she witheld intimacy from her husband if he'd dared to put a foot out of place. I understand now, what it's all about.
Yes, just be there to pick up the pieces when she reaches out.
My narc spouse abused me for years and also gaslighted me saying that it's good for me and toughens me up. I used to believe him until recently. I left him and taking time to heal
I'm sorry that happened to you 😢
Hugs
Delighted to read that you left
Well done you
Wishing you many happy & peaceful days ahead ❤
I'm proud of you for leaving him ❤ I just left my mom too
I lived with her long enough to not think about how much money I have been giving her and not have savings every month. Now I realize I earn enough money to live on my own, and she just wanted to take my money all along
Sounds like the old "beat your children, because the world is cruel," bs. Advice always doled out by sadistic people looking for justification. So sorry, best of luck healing.
"What if I'm wrong?" ~ yes! 💯✨️
Have had the horror of having two narcissistic relationships back to back. The first was six years, the second 10 months. It was the shortest one that destroyed me. I have not dated anyone now for 9 months. Still healing, but feeling stronger. It takes time and alot of therapy, but I will never be someone's 'option' again. I'm a good person and deserve to be someone's priority. If they are not consistent in their contact with you, cancel at the last moment and don't make you a priority, RUN! The sex may be great, but that is part of their plan. Do not buy the 'I am so busy' nonsense.
The type of person who runs when not made a priority is a narcissist
Thank you Dr for your channel. You helped me get out of a 12 year marriage with a narcissist about 5 years ago. I watched your videos for 2 years out of the 12 and finally build the courage to leave. Still to this day I watch your videos that continue to help me stay away. Blessings be poured upon your life 🙏🏼 ❤
You're better than me. He had to leave me, because I refused to leave... Because I have fear of abandonment of BPD, and everyone always left him (cuz he's NPD) (and I had no idea what that was 20yrs ago} so I promised to always be there. I knew he was cheating and lying, and I still couldn't leave. I did my part of the marriage. And I made him divorce me because I wouldn't file; let him have to sort out "his reasons" for breaking our marriage vows and explain it to God. I hope he repents before he dies, because I truly still do care for him and love him, even though we're not together anymore. I can't hold that HATE on my heart. I had to keep forgiving him and also forgiving myself for feeling mad, until I got to the point where I don't feel bad anymore.
Warrior… Like your on-line name! I have Considered myself A Warrior for ‘The Most High’ for 2 1/2 Decades of Saying World Prayers!
Glad you Got Away fm. your Narc! I realized my Marriage was over ~ when I could Never put one of our Marriage Pictures on the Wall… Even for our 10 Year Anniversary!
🙏🏻💛🔆🕊🍃
Asking the question 'What is it that you like about this person?' is a great excercise. I asked myself 'What is it that I like about my mother?' And the answer was: She is needy. She is like a child that I have to take care of. It is a suffocating relationship. I feel like I'm tied to her and I'm completely dominated by her needs. The relationship is ruining my chance to have a rich independent life. But there is a strong connection there... I always thought that was love.
it’s conditional love
"It's beyond words..." It's addiction.
I've just come out of a narcissistic/sociopathic relationship and this was the number one reason I didn't leave. Thank you so much for the work you do.
Hopefully you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.... Good luck
This video triggered a memory. I remember having panic attacks at the thought of my dad dying and him being unavailable to give me advice about life. What a painful joke. It was a trauma bond. I've been doing just fine since I went no contact 7 years ago.
These videos are my lifeline right now. They are invaluable. Thank you.
Same here, so empowering. Stay strong, you've got this❤
I like the background in this video more than I'll ever like a narcissist. I live with
one myself, so I understand some things ... I was alive and functioning for many
years before they came along and I can do it again. This is the thinking that has
kept me sane and help me hold on to my childlike wonderment and individuality.
Spot on. I lost my health over it. 33 years worth.
Excellent definition. I'm definitely trauma bonded and get googly eyed even thinking about my narc ex, there are so many good things about him that I love, but the bad outweighed the good by far and just got worse and worse until it nearly destroyed me. Understanding all this is what empowered me to move on. Still need to watch these videos regulary to not forget and relapse.
I do the same. Thank you. This helps me to know I’m not alone in going back and watching these videos to remind me when I start to doubt myself again.
I admire you honesty so much. Your words are filled with bravery, empathy, vulnerability and self understanding ❤.
I really needed to read this today because my boyfriend is an abusive narc who has done SO many deal breakers, that while cognitively I understand I should break up (should have never started) I am still here for whatever emotional, subconscious or somatic reasons.
You are so strong. Keep doing you. ❤🎉🔥
Wishing you the very best on your journey.
I do the same… still grief and blame myself… and get goggly eyed at the same time
When I healed my own trauma the bonding ended. It was like I woke up. ❤
❤❤❤
Everyone should listen to their gut instincts, which we tend over ride with relatives and co-workers. Those gut instincts will throw up warning signs, but the Narcissist can and will dance on a needle to change your thoughts which should be an additional warning sign or gut instinct. They never and I mean never change, just watch as an observer and you will see the same game played with everyone they meet.
One person I know who is in trauma bonded relationship, once said she liked that her partner is ''very persuasive, thinks rationally and brings fresh perspective to the table''. I remember saying very similar things to my therapists when I was in this position myself. Idealisation of a partner and of some actually difficult experiences, even being manipulated on a daily basis, is often a part of trauma bond. Therapists usually stop when they get this type of an answer because it feels insincere. If this question is a part of a regular conversation it may pass unnoticed, or at least will not be challenged. That's why therapy is crucial in going narc free.
The Internet in many ways is a blessing. If I did not have access to your videos Dr.Ramani, I would have gone from a promising young driven woman, to giving it all up. I am so grateful.
I can't live with them/I can't live without them.. Now I see why I was for such a long time in a relationship with someone narcisistic.. that was my continuous thought that I can't live without this person.. Athough I knew from inside something was very wrong in our relationship, I couldn't leave because it felt like I couldn't live without this person in my life.. it makes all so much sense now! THANK YOU ❤️
When I was asked what I liked about my narc ex when we were together, I felt the "magical" and "never felt this before feeling", but I also definitely had an answer because everything I admired about him were part of his mask… and since I fell for the mask, I fell for that qualities he displayed while wearing it! I’d say he was kind, and driven, and patient, made space for my feelings, good with kids, funny, considerate…the list goes on. This is tricky though because you only realize later once you’re out of the relationship that what you loved/admired about them was their mask. Now, the hard part is believing that an honest person really exists. Building trust is going to take a long time😂
You just described my situation 😞
It took me a long time to stop looking back at who he use to be while wearing the mask and staying focused on who he is now. Now that I've made a decision to break the bond, I went no contact because I didn't want him hoovering or putting the mask back on.
5:30 This!!! After 25 years of being trauma bonded to a covert narcissist, I wasn't willing to admit it even though it was there all the time. It was ONLY when I ready for it to end that I stopped being in denial. These videos are so helpful in keeping me from going into denial ever again. Thank you Dr Ramani.
This is how I've always felt about my mom. We get along much better when I'm living elsewhere, and when she hasn't heard about my current stressors. It feels like unfinished business.
The power of intermittent rewards -- like gambling addiction...
In 2017, I went to a marriage retreat with my wife. They gave us a little chalkboard that had “I love you because“ written on it, and we were supposed to fill that in every once in a while to remind each other why we love each other. That was over six years ago and I’ve never been able to think of anything to put on the chalkboard. It hangs in our room and makes me wanna throw up
I feel your pain!!!!
That’s tough. Been there too.
That would be me but with an ex-husband.
The blank board would be from my husband. It hurts. I could actually still find affection I’m so bad off. Blessings to you, and maybe take down that chalkboard?
@@CharMinsky I had actually thought about that, but that would lead to so much more… Ugh, just whatever miserable two hours of yelling would follow.
I trauma-bonded with my mom. She was a habitual liar and often abandoned us all our lives to go gamble our money away (we were already very poor and we often had no food). She tried to be my “best friend” but I don’t have a genuine thing I actually like about my mom, considering a lot of our “bonding” was fake.
I can relate to that "friend zone" relayionship with narcissistic mother. 😢 I'm her lady in waiting, her parent and her servant too. She often speaks to me like she was 15 year old talking to another 15 old or to a big sister / parental figure. The intimate details she has been revealing to me all my life are just way too much. And, I can never tell anything about my life in depth because she attacks me like a violent beast right away! Like when I opened about my loved one's suicide to her long ago. She attacked me instantly! It unleashed the narcissistic rage! 😢 I was so heart broken then, I almost lost my mind - and she got angry because I told her! 😭💔💔💔
I dont think I trauma bonded with my parents but it is still hard to get out. My mom recognizes this partially and is trying to help me connect with services. However, the process isn’t fast and I don’t know how much longer I will have to live with them for. I did trauma bond with someone else but I am no longer in contact with that person. It just feels so frustrating when I have to continue to live with my parents. I did try to move out in August but the climate was not right as the place I was trying to move to really didn’t need more people so it was an impossible situation. I will try again soon and hopefully have better luck. Continuing to live with my parents, makes me feel like I am not living real life.
We learned not to tell mom anything. Never knew when she'd freak. Sometimes she'd be really loving and understanding...but it felt like she was trying to milk more pain out of a situation than was really there, if that makes sense? Sometimes she'd 'steal' emotions, reacting as if they hurt her more. Sometimes she'd just say or indicate that she was bored talking about whatever it was. And sometimes she would have a complete freak-out meltdown. It was the end of the world as we know it! No way to know which reaction you'd get, but they all sucked. As we grew up, we formed the sibling code: "don't tell mom" and "don't be a buzzkill." Seriously. My sister cut her leg on something once when she was a teen. It was late and her friends were over. It was a really deep gash, and needed stitches. She chose to bandage it with lots of neosporin, and let it be a huge scab for a couple of months. 30 years later you can still see the scar. Mom never knew.
I put up with it for years. There was no other option for me. I did not have the financial resources to fight or move to another part of the country or quit my job and start over. That is what it really boiled down to for me. I was totally over a barrel and just had to suck it up and put up with him. When he died suddenly, I was upset upon finding him. After I got over the shock of finding him dead, there was a huge inner peace that descended upon me.
Same for me. When I woke up one morning & he was dead in his recliner, all I felt was relief. The shame is, that’s all our kids felt too. Life has been so good without him & Im learning who I am again after decades.
Some of us are more than ready and happy to live on our own. Money issues are keeping me here for the time being. Lots of gray rocking, ignoring and learning to not feel guilty about it.
It really is crazy to think that everything that I went through was not just my experience. Every time I listen to you, Dr. Romani, I am affirmed with what I was going through and the decisions that I’ve made. My last two relationships have been with narcissists. I’m now in therapy, and broken up with my ex. Every time I think about reaching out to him, I listen to your videos… And it helps me to stay focused on the forward.
I feel the same way. Except I'm finally in a place where I have no desire to reach out to him after being trauma bonded for 25 years. Went back and forth many times before but so happy to be free now. At 61, I'm still healing and I'm determined to not waste any more of my years. Keep growing your strength and I wish you well.
I did divorce my narcissist and miss her dearly. I do have a long list of things I really liked about her, she was an amazing but troubled person. She was very abusive at times with rage and physical violence. It was extremely hard to leave her because she had extremely great attributes and extremely bad attributes. I wish it had been mostly bad so i wouldn't miss her so much.
What were her "great attributes"?
I struggle with romantizing the good times
This is exactly what I am going through right now 🙁🙁🙁😮💨😮💨😮💨thank you Dr Ramani, you are the best 😊
May I ask you something?
Are you German?
‘What if I’m wrong?’ Your intuition & your body will tell you the truth.
This is me exactly. And yes, I want to find a therapist who understands Narcissism and Trauma Bonding. There is relief in self discovery. Thank You Dr Ramani for your expertise.
It is really hard to find therapists who understand narcissism I have found. Be careful as it is much easier for the narcissists to turn the story around against you.
Your channel has been a really important resource for me during my divorce from a covert narcissistic emotional abuser. Breaking the trauma bond has been the hardest thing I've ever done. For others who are going through this and perhaps reading these comments - you may feel like you will never be the same. you may feel like you cannot function at the same capacity as before, your memory may be affected, you may not be able to sleep. You may feel completely destabilized and lost. I finally, after about 14 months of living apart and 3 months of no contact am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. I see myself coming back to myself. I am able to access happiness again and am feeling confident and capable. I wanted to share some words of encouragement for those who might be in the depths of the abyss right now. If you build a ladder one day and one rung at a time you can climb out of the abyss!
Dr. Ramani, I just want to thank you for this channel, I've been watching for few years, I'm 33 now and while it's taken me 12 years of no contact, I finally stood up my narcissist enabler father and told him like it is. That I'm done being used, that I remember the abuse everyone else sweeps under the rug and unless he sees the truth and leaves my covert narcissistic mother, I don't want any contact with him or my sibling flying monkeys. God, it feels so good to stand up to an abuser, he's no less guilty than she is. I sent the email, and I can't stop smiling. I never thought I would have the courage, but you have helped me see my light. Whatever repercussions come from it, if they try to attack me, it will be less painful than continuing as I have been, shrinking myself for fear of hurting someone else's feelings. The man is 60, and the siblings are 30 or older, if he can't take the truth, that's not on me. God, it feels amazing to stand up for myself, finally! thank you, thank you, thank you so much, blessings to you and your family.
No contact has served me so well. It was extremely hard but so worth pursuing. I had to. These people made me soooo sick. Living alone with many animals means I have to look after me 100%. I have to eliminate anything that might be toxic. My animals mean way too much to me. I mean way too much to me
I personally use everything you have taught me through the years to really vet people in my life and it has really changed my life for the better.
I was in the "can't live with/can't live without" cycle for YEARS until one single sentence broke it all, and I found my freedom.
I realized I'd rather be alone than continue to go down the path I was on
Not a solution. Not healtht long term
@@chocolatecookie8571 could you explain your reply more?
@@zeekay3205 sure. In the long run it is best for most people to be in a relationship again. We are social creatures. But dr. Ramani is more inclined to stay single and her vulnerable followers are being influenced by her personal choice.
We can even say that it is narcissistic to stay alone (narcissistic self sufficiency) fooling ourselves that we dont need anyone or that others are not worthy.
This is all I have to say about it.
I think Dr. R has said repeatedly to take time to be alone before getting into an intimate relationship. I haven't heard her advocate for becoming hermits.
Some of us are also just done with that part of life. There isn't a strong desire for an intimate partner and romance anymore. It's an intense desire in your 20's. Once you hit 50 or 60, (can't speak for everyone) it's different. You can have sex and romance, sure. But you don't feel that driving need for sex and romance. If somebody is cool with friends and pets, and isn't yearning for someone in their bed, cool.
Looking back now, I can’t believe I made this statement, but I actually said that I would rather die by his hand than to live without him! Yikes! Out almost 2 months now. Still fighting to break the hold of that trauma bond, but making progress.
❤
My ex and I really did have common interests and we really did love spending time together! I think that’s why it was so confusing for me over time. It was a 20 year relationship. As I’ve come to learn more about neglectful narcissism, I better understand why it was so difficult. He wasn’t constantly abusing me in the classic grandiose narcissistic ways. But he wasn’t doing much that was good either. That’s the neglect. As the years went on, more classic forms of narcissistic abuse became more and more common and that’s when I began to have more and more symptoms of anxiety and stress and become more and more unhappy and I would say to my therapist ”I’m not happy but I don’t see myself leaving” and it took a long time till I was able to see myself leaving and then I left.
Took me 14 years... Stay strong
Blessings to all you survivors. Know in time that your wounds will heal. Thankful for Dr Ramani and others that take the time out of their busy schedules to educate us❤️❤️
Yes I get times when I think is he relly that bad, and i have to remind myself YES he is, he is entitle, grandiose, selfish etc etc and does not validate my feelings. He is fine if ALL his needs are met.
I stayed because I felt that someone needed to be there for my mum; she had had a Hell of a life when she was a kid, in an orphanage where they beat the kids( found that out when she was talking in her sleep in hospital with Sepsis) so I took the putting down etc but then I found out later that she didn't want me there and even though one of my siblings was nasty to the family she wanted to us to move in with them. She also knew about what I was going through with my stepdad and didn't protect me; I don't feel anything about her now.
Can relate to it so much. Especially, what if I am wrong part.
What's scarier... believing he loves you & dictates every aspect of your life & you think that's acceptable
I'm stuck and don't know how to get out. You're right - your mind is one hell of a gaslighter. It keeps telling me I won't make it without him even though I am the primary earner (but it it never specified WHY I won't be able to).
It takes something to push you over that line to leave. It took 3 therapists for me. They were very patient with me but I could see in their eyes what they were saying. I think that can be achieved with podcasts like yours to get one to trust their own thinking. Doctor Ramani, you are important to the process.
It really hard and a lot more complicated when it’s your daughter who I love deeply, always did and always will.
Im finding that it's the extreme sense of guilt for leaving them on their own, I'm still feeling stuck.
Once you forgive yourself, the guilt is replaced with compassion for yourself FIRST and then the other when we accept that we can't change them.
You make me so happy my dad made a point to teach his kids how to spot an abusive relationship my ex boyfriend tried the whole I will end myself if you don’t stay with me stchik and I shut that down right away and called him out on emotionally abusive tactics it’s one of many reasons why we’re not together anymore and I can definitely tell you why I love my new partner I wrote it all out in my vows that I will recite on Halloween this year
I am 100% trauma bonded to my ex best friend/neighbor ( instant access to each other being so close). When I had enough I knew I had to cut her out, and I did. But I felt exponentially worse right after. I felt great guilt, confusion and felt like I was just a lot person without this friendship. I still have to make the self talk telling myself that the relationship wasn't healthy. Walking in eggshells, and being fearful isn't normal. Neither being stonewalled when I am expressing my hurts and feelings.
Thank you Dr Ramani now it’s the situation going on , my sister is the continuing narcissistic ways after our mother ways to divide us , a year after her passing R.I.P. , the painful recovery as the scapegoat is for myself without them to admit the abuse ! I try to get well ,for a log time , years of canceling to the day !
I work for an incredibly narcissistic and toxic team of senior managers. The amount of nastiness, gaslighting and undermining that myself and my colleagues put up with is soul destroying. It's not as easy as my friends make out - "oh just report them to HR/everyone just quit and get a new job". The bravery and gall that takes just isn't possible for us because we're so beaten down and rely on regular income. I have however just had an offer completely out of the blue to work somewhere else - it's a bit more money and I would be able to work from home a lot of the time... it sounds amazing. But... why on Earth do I feel so uncomfortable and frankly scared about leaving? The daily negative feelings have sort of become a comfort blanket of routine and at least I know what im getting... I've never considered myself trauma bonded, but this video makes a lot of sense. Thanks Dr Ramani... I'll talk to my therapist about it next week :)
You are awesome. Take it easy. Wishing you all the best. ❤️
Thank you so much for this video today. I needed to hear it as I am struggling again with doubts and everything in between a rock and a hard place. This is so hard.......................... Stepping away from all family and now getting pulled back into it because one sibling is suffering from incurable cancer and one sibling has reached out. We haven't been close in years, but that is only one of the issues. We had dysfunction growing up and everyone went their own way, but now that we are all aging, there is a desire for a connection from some.
Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not ready, but I can't be unkind to the brothers at this point. Just wish we I didn't have to set myself up after all the hard work of accepting it the way it is. I'm struggling for sure. Thanks so much, Dr. Ramani, you're so helpful............. My real problem is the oldest sister, so I'm not wanting to get involved for fear it will all go back to her. Yikes!
Good luck. Remember to set firm boundaries around them. Your first allegiance is to your own peace of mind. You don't owe them anything. Family doesn't get a free pass for abuse or unkind anything even when they become ill. You can have empathy without entrapment.
SPOT ON! And thank you so much for clarifying this can apply to relationships with family
Thanks!
Thank you for this explanation. I've been curious about trauma bonding. I don't think I have it with my narcissist because I can imagine my life without him. Yet, I understand how others feel like they can't live without their abuser and they might not be in a position where they can leave for whatever reason. I hope they realize the freedom of breaking away and that they can one day achieve it.
I have never had a trauma bond addiction to a narc, as soon as figured out what they are i dropped them instantly and went no contact.
It might take some time but as soon as there mask drops i get so disgusted i i don't want anything to do with them.
But i had two back to back relationships with BPD partners years long with trauma bond addiction.
And most of the time what you say are spot on, but this time what you describe does not reflect a trauma bond addiction to BPD persons at all,
for me at least.l.
Because that was as horrible and abusive as it was intense, and the horrible parts and the extreme volatility and abuse made the good times feel WAY WAY more intense like the strongest drug you can imagine and just as addictive. And anytime anyone would have asked your probing question i would had zero problem giving detailed answers. I thought i was helping i thought i was strong enough, but no one is strong enough to sort out someone with BPD who is not in treatment and in remission, if there even is such a thing.
People tell me there are cases of some who have managed to sort themself out and stop being abusive to the people close to them, but i would not take my chances. Anything good that can come from that is not worth the trauma.
It almost destroyed me and i will never be the same again.
Run fast and far, go no contact never take the abuse, it will not get better.
DO NOT LET THEM GET CLOSE. The closer you let them the worse they will hurt you.
I keep attracting narcs and BPD partners, i don't trust myself to not get in to these situations again so i just do the monk mode for now.
Regular connections feels so bland in comparison, getting in to situations like these really messes with your perceptions and expectations of what is normal.
And please any BPD sufferers/apologists reading this who get triggered, please don't respond.
We know your worst fear is being called out, exposed and left behind.
But i am not here for you, you have done enough already.
I am trying to help others who still have a choice to not get close and to change to something much worse from the experience.
Trauma bond addiction is horrible, worse than an addiction to a drug because you can sober up from a drug addiction but you can not sober up from deep trauma, that shit stays with you forever.
Great comment
@@2wheelsarefun73 Thanks.
I've learned and grown and am ready to go. Been sleeping in another room for a year. But I'm disabled and dependent on him practically and financially. Been turned down for disability benefits.
Always amazing videos and input, so on point, deepest gratitude and respect for you, Dr. Ramani :)
Thank you for all of your videos!!!!
Yes, that helped. No kidding when trauma bound from family members. I also get shame for disconnecting. It makes me sick, rage comes on. I feel better when i am disconnected.
Thank you so much for this video. I've been trying to accept the end of an unhealthy relationship that I know has included a lot of trauma bonding but I haven't been ready to really cut ties and fully move forward. I still might not be where I'd like to be in relation to getting past this relationship but I feel very understood and like it's okay to still be on a path towards a goal rather than NEEDING to have achieved the goal.
I live with out them. As of recently i decided to out a realtionship that was taxing and heavy from the fakery, and false trauma bond. I doubted myself for a few years then backed away from the relationship to see what it really was, based on dependancy. So happy to out of that group of people and a particular individual that was soooo draining.
Thanks Dr. Ramani for all that you do. ❤❤❤
Thank you, doctor
Thank you for this clarification. Its very helpful for people who have trauma.
Most of my relationship must be trauma bonded. My justification has always been 2 sayings. 1. they are not as bad as they could be/most are worse. 2. Better the devil I know than the devil I don't. I was raised in an abusive household where I saw my father physically abuse and beat my mom. My brothers and I, from childhood were verbally and emotionally abused by this man. He would fly into rages where he would turn purple with rage and scream at us and threaten to kill us, or to commit suicide so that we wouldn't get his insurance and we would starve and die because mom was useless and wouldn't be able to take care of us without him. None of the relationships I have had since I went into the Navy at 18 to get away from that house were as bad or toxic as the one I saw between my mom and my father. So, I have tolerated some pretty shitty relationship because none of them were as abusive to me as my father was to my mother, and I guess I sort of felt that I had no right to be treated any better than she had been. I did end my marriage to my second husband, the father of my two girls after about 6 years because even though I had taken verbal, emotional, financial and some very minor level physical abuse from him, he actually got physically rough and started screaming at my youngest girl one evening when I had been bathing her and she got soap in her eyes and started crying. I went at him when he had grabbed her arm to pull her out of the tub and he lost his grip. I that shoved him backwards over the toilet, grabbed my baby and went into the kids room where my other daughter was and locked their door. Grabbed something to wrap my daughter in , and climbed out the window and went to the neighbors to call the police. This incident happened over 40 years ago, in Texas, and even though domestic response experience are not great now, they were worse back than. Police came, not much happened because although he had been drinking, he actually wasn't so drunk as to be dumb enough not to know he had to pull himself together. And he was actually the one with an injury, so technically if I had pressed charges on him that night to go to jail, he could have pressed charges on me. That pretty much ended the marriage, even though it limped along for a few more weeks until I could get away.
There was one more marriage that lasted 25 years. There was no physical abuse at all, not a whole lot of verbal abuse, but a lot of emotional abuse. Lots of invalidation and criticism. Lots of telling me how he wanted me to dress, how he wanted me to wear my hair, how I was supposed to act around others. And a whole lot of isolating me from others as the marriage went on. It wasn't too bad while my girls were still home, but once they moved out, he eventually even tried to isolate me from my girls, even though my girls actually considered him their daddy. Eight years ago he decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore because I was no longer the woman he married. And to my surprise, after all of the years and all of the changes I made for him so I would be more worthy of him and acceptable, I realized he was absolutely right. And suddenly this person I had spent 25 years thinking I couldn't live without was someone who I had no intention of jumping through one more hoop for to prove I was worthy. I am in therapy so that I can spend the rest of my life content to be who I am instead of being willing to change myself for a devil just so I don't have to be alone.
Thank you for defining what is, and why I'm finding it hard to leave my 30 yr marriage. I just keep swinging around in circles. I'm seeking help, but it's really not easy to get out of my headspace and step away.
I reacted differently I took on more responsibilities when he didn’t feel responsible and therefore I never felt dependent but I guess when I returned from the therapy I had made up my mind either there is a change in the relationship or it just won’t work because I didn’t feel like staying depressed. He refused everything talking problems over in general with friends, with me, with the bank…he threatened friends with calling the police if they would visit. It takes two people to make a relationship work. He continued in his ways until he died, was married several times .. but it was always the women s fault when it didn’t work.
Stumbled upon this video when I just realized I was on a trauma bonded relationship with my husband and starting to identify his abuse which I used to believe was because of my fault . I was grieving and this video gave me some clarity
THANK YOU DOCTOR.
I’ve been binging this content for months since escaping my narcissist and not fully understanding trauma bonding but now I understand. Trauma bonded was our relationship above all other factors plus I have adhd. Omg she tried to colonize my freaking soul. Omg it was so dark. There’s no question in my mind she has a personality disorder. I was never even attracted to her in the first place. She just set up shop in my life and I paid for everything and invested in her and she abused me terribly, it was nuts. 3.5 years later I’m 41 years old and she’s gone and I’m proud of myself for getting out but it had to get unbearable first yes Lord! Now I have to figure out who I am for real and do something generative because there are NO shortcuts, I tried them.
Trauma bonding is hell on earth 🤦♀️ cognitive dissonance over the moon 👩 after several attempts to escape by gray rocking he finally just disappeared & the relief was tremendous 👩 the fear that I can’t make it on my own is still there & I daily remind myself that there’s nothing to fear now but fear itself
Thank you so much for your videos!
For the last 12 years I have been with my absolutely wonderful new wife. But I am still struggling with the damage caused by my narcissistic ex wife! I was married to a narcissist for seven years, and as our youngest daughter finally was old enough for living half time with me, I finally left my narcissist wife! Shared custody was hell as even in Sweden the mother in practice has the upper hand in legal matters! I sought help from social services, but they always believe the mother. I watched my daughters suffer, but I was powerless as nobody believes the disgruntled father...
I recently discovered your videos, and they really help me in my healing!
I'm 46, only broke away quite literally one year ago. Lived with my narcissistic mother and sister not just in childhood but as an adult. I struggle every day with guilt and missing them. In the past I only lasted a few months before going back when they dangled that love carrot. I'm terrified I can't do this and I really am crazy and mentally immature like they always said.
You CAN do it. Have faith in yourself you’re stronger than you think. It’s hard at first to think rationally instead of emotionally but stick with it. Try making a 2 column list of pros and cons of the relationship and put in writing some of the worst offenses and make yourself look at them when the emotion is overpowering your common sense. 👍
My husband is not a narcissist, but we definitely trauma bonded... I'm trying really hard to separate....
Thank you!
If you haven't reached out or heard from them in over a year, that is a clear sign you can live without one another. Keep that in mind, cuz it means you're doing better than you thought.
There is a lot online basically validating trauma bonds as a "spiritual" connection, like soulmates and twin flames. Yeah, that happens when they break down your boundaries and you're enmeshed.
I think they are spiritual connections -just in the worst way. I think religion calls them soul ties. This scripture comes to mind: "whatsoever you bound on earth shall be bound in heaven and whatsoever you loosen on earth shall be loosen in heaven."
In a way, yeah. It feels deep and real... Like you're intimately connected and they really know you. When it comes to this connection with a narcissist, it's actually projective identification and introjective identification.
"When a person expels a bad object, it may well be into another person. Projective identification involves projection into another object and then identifying with the object (often a person). This keeps bad parts of the self at a safe distance without losing them.
Introjective identification Where a person finds another person attractive in some way, then they will often take a part of that other person and introject that part into their own ego. In this way, they become more like the admired person. Also, having a part of that person in them, they feel closer to them and usually like to be physically and emotionally closer to them, perhaps for fear of distance leading to the introjected part (particularly if it is not fully internalized) being lost."
The mistake is when you project your good qualities because you make the mistake of seeing their false self (likely a hero or savior) as the real Self.
@@HaruKomorebi I'm always fascinated by the phenomena of projection. You did a great job explaining it. So would you say the narcissist actually draws out the projection, like making themselves a blank canvas? I always felt the covert narcissist I was with was observing me closely, was always agreeable and never revealed much about his 'likes'.
@@HaruKomorebi years ago before I knew anything about trauma bonding or narcissism, I wrote this poem. ' Do I not see myself in you, reflected back to me, do I not long to love that which is in me but I can not see...'
for me, a red flag i should have paid attention to was them saying they put a super low value on sex, and then sending me nudes to make themselves feel better. if sex is of such low value, why did they have to turn a good friendship into a sexual thing when I was perfectly happy the way it was.
and why did i let them? because I'm so alone and it's difficult to say no when I'm feeling like someone is finally paying attention to me. I've cut myself off from pretty much the whole human race aside from what i type in the youtube, 2 online friends, and my mom. everyone else is a danger to me currently. I need therapy, but I can't really deal with that until I get my neck looked after, and it's currently held in a mostly stable state by the max dose of suboxone. 46 more days until mri. I'm assuming it's gonna be another 2 weeks to a month after that and I just have to exist in this state of barely contained agony but suffering under the illusion that I can do SOMETHING.. ANYTHING thanks to just the right level of analgesia, which is literally the only thing I've ever wanted but never been able to get until I got on to the heroin. should have done that 20 years ago lol [All i needed was the weed and it just wasn't possible in my disabled poverty stricken state, and my mom sure as heck wasn't paying for that stuff back then]
now that I finally convinced my mom that I was going to die living with her presumably undiagnosed ocpd symptoms that I've only just realized as the best way to describe, plus her boyfriends histrionics 24/7 because she let him "work" at home with the main level being "open" concept of the house so no privacy when going to the kitchen as the "working" bf was watching tv in the living room, also the same recent realization. furthermore, my neurodivergence is definitely way up there and I've been masking my entire life and I've only just been able to be myself for the past year, the year prior was entirely traumatic in trying to figure out how to be me on my own because of the forced living conditions I was dealing with for the previous 15 years and how isolating it was living with such a controlling person in control of literally every aspect of your life because you'll die if you don't let her control you. it took a huge fight for her to even realize she had that power over me and was using it irresponsibly
Healing lord
Fear of retribution, stalking, harassment, increased violence, the smear campaign, trespassing, breaking into the house, and their revenge, and also having to co-parent and leave an impressionable vulnerable child alone with that abusive monster. AI left 32 years ago; he turned our lovely daughter into his flying monkey and taught her how to abuse me.
So odd.. I have lived entire life- parent to spouse- eggshell walking..
it is my norm- so, do ai have history, and good memories.. yes.. but The physical weariness of adjusting to moods, moments of rage.. have come with a price.. I am worn out. 😢
I nominate Dr. Ramani for a World Peace Prize for her unflagging dedication to the victims of narcissism and her uncanny ability to shine light on the wounds of narcissism so that we all may heal. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani!
This is helping me learn why my Mom still takes it after 55 years of marriage. And why she expresses an opinion with me of ndependence, then changes her mind when around dad.
I'm learning to see her as a victim and flying monkey, seeing things that I didn't see when young.
Makes me mad at him, pity but still mad at her for letting him dictate.
Great lecture ! Thank You Dr. Ramani
Thank you for posting this….
Encouraging
It is gruelling process….
The daily struggle. I have to keep telling myself not to backslide.
This is so true, Ive experienced trauma bond at the abuse of others interfering with a relationship then they ran away and haven't looked back and when they have it's been about revenge, eek. They don't even know a thing about me yet we were meant to spend some time together. The relationship that never happened it was only a trauma bond and seperation, moving forward is a must even if it hurts a lot
I also want to say very nice new camera setup. Very crips and clean video. I do a lot of editing and video work so things like that stand out to me. 😊
Going through a lot of emotions....
Trying to leave a narcissistic abusive relationship, but now he's love bombing and future faking (though maybe he believes or intends it??) and I feel awful, crying all the time, because I'm lying to him or leading him on in order to keep peace or not upset him, while I'm in the process of leaving...
Just exactly how sick can you get from stress? From walking on egg shells all the time? From having the gut feelings/signs of cheating, but not enough proof so you can't say anything because you don't want the neighbors to hear him yelling that he's sick of you not trusting him? Or trying to do more errands, even though that makes you more sick, because yesterday he was mad about "doing everything all of the time"... Now you're really sick and he's more mad about not getting sex. I've been disabled 15 years now but recently started getting extremely ill. Lost 50lbs in a month for absolutely no reason! Drs can't figure out why. So many symptoms... I feel like I'm dying. 😢 and stuck. GBY all ❤️
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Dont know what to say except take care of yourself
It’s weird without them their is peace but I miss them and am still drawn to them and their craziness!
The addiction is so strong..the draw to try and Hoover myself back in or the hope that they’ll Hoover even though I KNOW the relationship isn’t healthy and that’s hoping for either isn’t healthy.
Thank G-d for your videos and others that are putting out source material to help. I mean I have answers like that for why o love her but I also wondered why the hell I was in the relationship as well!
🙏🏻Thanks, Kindly, Dr Ramani! 💛🔆🕊🍃
I fucking love you Dr Ramani! You have been so essential to my healing process!