When She's Fun But Not That “Pretty.”
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- Опубликовано: 10 дек 2023
- Christopher explores the delicate balance between physical attraction and the enduring value and dignity of a person in the pursuit of lasting love. In this insightful video, we draw inspiration from John Paul II's "Love and Responsibility" to understand how physical attraction, when integrated with true value, can lead to authentic and enduring relationships. Discover the pitfalls of superficiality and learn to build a solid foundation for love that withstands the test of time.
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Thank you for this video. As someone who has experienced similar situations, I found this explanation helpful. I don't want to be superficial, certainly; yet, I have also seen a certain significance in finding a woman "beautiful" or "attractive" in a physical sense. I want to be able not just to tell my girlfriend/wife that she's beautiful, but to really mean it; otherwise, I'm living a lie, and she will likely catch on to the lie, which adds a strain to the relationship and increases her insecurity and unhappiness, which I would never want to do. Same thing goes for any future daughters who might inherit some of her looks. So it's not entirely unimportant.
At the same time, I have noticed in multiple instances that, even if I thought her looks were only about "average" at first, as I get to know a woman and become closer friends with her I start to perceive her as more physically beautiful as well. I think this is the same sort of principle that you are talking about in this video.
God bless your ministry here!
Thank you for sharing! Keep fighting the good fight @nathanieln.1732 and please pray for us.
What are you going to do when she gets old though? Old people are not really beautiful or attractive in a physical way.
She will catch on to the lie, you're right. And she will likely feel very badly used. Don't pursue someone you don't find at least acceptably attractive
If everyone fades with age, better to be with the one you find most attractive even after getting old and fading than the one who you're not physically attracted to and who also fades with time...also there are various features like hight, eyes, body structure etc that we find attractive that even if after aging and fading you can kind of accept their slow decline than a physical decline of a person that you're not attracted to in the first place.
There's this joke "the time of being beautiful is short, however, being ugly is a very long time" ...it may be a mean joke but the point is we're humans created to be attracted to physical beauty and to dismiss that altogether and saying it's not important I believe is just lying to ourselves... again it should not be the main focus as the video says but I don't think we should dismiss it either.
@@kaitlin8669no, some definitely are
As a side note, for the ladies, when I started dating seriously for a husband, I always went on the first date completely makeup free. I figured, "This is the face he is gonna wake up to every morning for the rest of his life, he'd better like it from day one." The result? I met a handsome man who asked me not to wear make-up at all, and we married 9 months later. Oh, and my skin is super healthy and nice because I don't use a lot of make up on it! Food for thought!
So true! Good skin care beats makeup every time.
Thank you for sharing your feminine perspective!
@@chipskind7It does, but it’s not that easy unfortunately. I have a syndrome with no cure that messes up my hormones and causes acne. They have been under control when I removed meats & chicken. But my face still wasn’t “physically attractive” for men today.
I like colourful eye makeup. It doesnt change my features and i have great skin. Its a part of my expression. Im not going no makeup for some man.
@@honeyandlavender_i have an auto immune disease. It doesnt affect my skin but my knees and spine have deformities (less on the back thank God). After getting called lazy by an ex boyfriend i gave up on men. When theyre sick theres always some woman who will drool on them. I actually had a boyfriend leave me when i got diagnosed. If makeup makes you feel more confident...then use it as long as its hypoalergenic and doesnt aggravate your acne.
I've known individuals that started relationships with people they weren't attracted to, I feel this is unfair because for every person that doesn't find you attractive there is someone who does, and that person is potentially missing out on an relationship where someone see's their worth.
Mmmmm this is so true. My recent ex wasted a lot of my time and it was difficult to rebuild my self esteem once I realized the person I loved and invested in wasn’t available to me the way Id needed him to be
Attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. It isn’t an intrinsic part of your worth.
I have dated people so found very attractive and those I did not. The guys who I was not attracted to turned out to have bad character and integrity. We make the assumption that if you are physically attracted to someone that it’s shallow but it is definitely not. We also make the assumption that a person will be better for you or nicer to you if they aren’t attractive to you. Obviously attraction shouldn’t be the only factor but it is a factor.
@@mstamper77exactly…it has nothing to do with beauty in some way
There is absolutely no guarantee (or logic in this wishful thinking) that there will be a perfect 1:1 ratio of people that don't find you attractive and people that do. Finding someone attractive is completely unrelated to someone seeing someone else's worth - did you listen at all to the video? Those are 2 completely separate things.
Someone could easily have some kind of deformity and 80% of all people find them unattractive while 20% find them attractive. It is however a good concept if you're one of the ones who doesn't to not let them miss out on the 20% that does.
Women want the man they are with to find them attractive. Tell a woman that you are in a relationship you don't think much of her looks and watch what happens... People are attracted to who they are attracted to and if the person you are with, is not attracted to you, trust there is gonna be someone out there they do find attractive and once they cross paths, that person cannot un-feel that feeling.
This man finds the unattractive women more fun becasue there is no pressure, he has no interest in being in an actual relationships with them and no need or desire to impress them so he can be himself with no fear or shame or anxiety. The root issue is not about women it's about his lack of confidence in who he is a person and the fear that if a romantic partner really knew who he was they would not like him so he has to put on a character the whole time he is around them which is a chore long term. Or he is interested in women he has nothing in common with and he knows would not like things about him and the only way to maintain a relationship with the is to play a character.
I was like this. I would feel more comfortable around men I wasn't attracted to and it was because like you said.... I had nothing to lose. And I did what the person in the letter did. I guilted myself for not being attracted to these other male friends. But in reality I was simply not courageous enough to let the guy i liked... KNOW I liked HIM 😅 I couldn't get close. I couldn't speak. I would stare in the distance. I would get awkward. It' took me years to overcome that. But now am satisfied with who I've become. 😌 And I can let the guy I like, know with a BIG smile. 😊 and eye contact and what not. 😂😂😂
Damn this is me. And the men I was attracted to slowly lost interest over time and ghosted me but my close guy friends would never do that and like me just the way I am (I don’t mean in a simp, non platonic way).
I think for now on I’m going to just be brave and be honest with how I feel and how that person feels about me.
BIG facts
So I will tell you a small story about a personal experience I’ve had recently. I met a girl on a dating app (which already sets the bar low) and we texted each other for a day or two, exchanged social medias and that was it. Didn’t feel any initial attraction to her through pictures and that caused me not to pursue anything. I never told her at the time. A year passes and I reply to her stories, she starts replying to mine, we get to chatting, and finally I decide to met her for a movie and dinner just for the heck of it. Didn’t think anything was going to come from it. I completely lowered my expectations. And nothing could have prepared me for what I saw in person. She looked just about the same in the pictures but WAY BETTER for some reason. And her eyes made me melt. And when I had this realization, outside of the movie itself, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. Towards the end of the night, we were getting back into our cars and I told her “Can I just say that you look way prettier in person?”. She smiled and awkwardly said “thank you”. I do admit that it might have come across as almost a backhanded compliment, although that wasn’t my intention at all. It was that I was taken aback from seeing her IRL appearance. I was truly flabbergasted. Weeks later after going out and spending time with her, I finally admitted to her that I wrote her off initially because I didn’t think I would have been attracted to her, as shallow as that was. And I felt the need to tell her this because what I wanted to reassure her how much of an impact she’s had on my life in such a very short time. I’m slowly falling in love with her. And in more ways than one. It’s not just looks. She checks a lot of boxes off. And I’m so happy we had another opportunity to pick things back up. I’m happy she gave me another chance to pursue her. So while I don’t think it hurt her to know my initial feelings, I do think that she could understand where I was coming from and appreciated my transparency. Just wanted to share that story 🙂
@@CptnCobblestone She will never forget that...
Interesting video, thanks. Guys it’s not that hard, be with someone you’re both physically attracted to and emotionally connected with. And for goodness sake don’t ever ever tell your significant other or spouse that “you don’t find them conventionally handsome or beautiful but sure do love their personality.”
If you have to say that last line you’re doing a disservice to the both of you. There is a person for every other person whose walk includes a marriage. If you can’t find someone who fits you right, then that’s simply not in your walk and you must find what you’re here to do.
Personally I’m going to keep my eyes open for that person and if I don’t find someone by my 40s or 50s I’ll probably dedicate myself to the church. Maybe I’ll become a priest or something. Who knows.
All I can say is a piece of knowledge that has been given to me. So long as you never fall to despair, the future takes care of itself. Have faith that your road will be revealed in its own time.
@@My10thAccount Well said. Good luck to you.
Very simple. It’s not hard at all
People are so entitled. I can’t believe people say things like that. I’m demisexual so I know that is why I find it insane but like the lack of just plain empathy.
Awesome advice. Especially the last part.
The worst part of about using physical attraction as the litmus test for love is that his/her beauty makes us blind to their faults...for a very long time - until eventually the physical beauty starts to fade and the real person emerges - which of course was there all along (but we never saw it).
🙄
Yep. Beautiful people break up left and right. Why? They're over their looks and no longer want to live with the actual person.
Picture of Dorian Gray.
I feel like this is a cope people use to settle for someone they are not physically attracted to.
Almost everything I've heard on this channel I agree with. But I'm starting to realize how difficult the world makes it to remember fundamental truths like these on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis. Society is so hyper-sexualized and, frankly, pornified, that it takes an effort of will for me just to remember that there are higher values to aspire to. As a secular person starting to come to religion, it really feels like the allegory of the cave. What's "normal" is not normal.
The fact that it's so difficult is a sign of the the glory that awaits on the other side! Keep fighting the good fight, we're praying for you!
You stated this fact very well.
"what's 'normal' is not normal" so true!!
My mom loves to tell the story how she fell in love with my father: Actually she was more interested in his friend who was far more attractive and my father only was the “wingman”. But over time she found out that the conversations with my father were really deep and satisfying and (so she always states it): “The more I talked to him the more attractive he seemed to become.”
And what should I say: My father doesn’t have a”pretty face “, but he is really sportive and in great shape at 61 and just has a lot of inner qualities that I also pursued when looking out for a man to marry myself. So thumbs up mom, you made a great choice!
a woman is more open dating a man that's less attractive let's say below their "league" ( to a certain extent). Men are more visual - A woman is more concerned with a man's economic viability, security. Of course a woman has to have a modom of attraction to her partner also. ( but in the back her mind she might be thinking - I hope are kids don't get any of my husbands physical traits?
Your mom is a wise woman!
Its not like that for males. They are driven by looks.
@@etcwhateversure but men don’t take woman who don’t have personality serious. They won’t know why or what it is but they can’t move forward. Maybe she’s super seeet but doesn’t have a future , or funny but super distrusting of him, he thinks all he needs is a cute face and kind girl but they will always be put in the situation where they “ got the girl” they didn’t ask much of & were super shallow about then realize they had to chose with substance in mind . Just because that’s what they want, as a woman don’t think it’s a good idea to waste the time you could be building your character , on trying to build your looks. It’s not worth where you’ll end up.
@@happywings15 yes i think you are correct. As for me im not suited for marriage and have bad experience with men. God is the most important. No man can fullfill the thirst for God. They are also not worth the trouble. I prefer to go pray more and go to Church than to give them the time of the day.
I'm a young man, something I have personally observed in both men and women, is we are all mostly attractive if we take care of ourselves. Now this isn't always the case, some can eat healthy, exercise regularly, and not necessarily be a "Hottie" but if someone is say.
Overweight, Unhygienic, doesn't care for their outward appearance, as a consequence they will become their lifestyle, which is why you should trust someone's appearance. However, it is not the end all be all, its very similar to our Faith, True Faith produces visible works, Inward health and good characteristics produce outward beauty.
1. Nothing is permanent, not a good excuse to discredit looks
2. People can change, people can lie. Personality isn’t permanent.
I would say don't feel forced to marry someone you find ugly. But give it some time. When you learn more about them you actually might see them as more physically attractive. I've met a lot of people I didn't think much of at first but gradually began to see them as more attractive until I actually had a hard time *not* lusting after them haha... If you still don't find them attractive after a while, don't marry them! No woman wants to be with someone who thinks she's ugly. But don't let your FIRST impression be FINAL. You'd be surprised how much your perception of someone can change when you get to know them better.
I actually went out with my ex of three years who I in my youth would never have considered dating. God showed me how HE SEES HIM in the spirit. And so I gave him a chance and decided to date him. Unfortunately, our relationship ended due to irreconcilable differences to put it plainly.
But I developed what you described over time, an attraction to him after hearing him speak and getting to know his personality and quirks. Then I slowly started to develop an attraction to him... And this surprised me because at first sight of him. My mind first immediately said NOPE.😅 Lol When my mom would ask me about him. I would get annoyed and say bleah PLEASE STOP! 😅 But he had a passionate soul and charisma that overshadowed his physical appearance. So when people say I could never date someone I don't find physically attractive, I laugh. 😂😂😂 looks aren't the only things that make a person "attractive".
This only applies to women 💀
@@juhadexcelsiorNo, it doesn't. That's a stereotype.
@@misspriss2482 search this comment section for a similar comment made by a man. Good luck.
Men aren't doing all that and squinting sideways to find you attractive so don't waste your time. Find someone you are genuinely attracted to and date them.
People become more attractive when you get to know them. 😊
Maybe that's more true for women. I assume men value physical beauty a lot
It is true for men as well, at least from my personal experience. I tend to find this more prominent if the woman is catholic/virtuous. It appears that they are more attractive even perhaps physically, from the mere fact of getting to know them better.
Its just not the reality how it funtions...
You need to at least feel a bit attractive to a men or woman otherwise its also not good...
Imagin my girlfriend or wife would want to hear how beautiful she is... and as a men i would need to tell her she is althought its not like that so i would need to lie... sorry but thats not how it should be.
Yes believe and character are more important but still one cant deny physical attraction.
For men as we are more visual its just not that easy said as you meant
@@wordsoftruth_7 I agree. Men are different.
@@wordsoftruth_7 It hurts because I have been with guys who were hung up on their ex's perfect body. So yes men are visual. It hurts when you are with a man who clearly wants someone else
Hard disagree: the “fun” is from not being nervous and needing to perform for the other, because there are no perceived stakes. If you desire something, fear (of potential loss) creeps in and can completely ruin your ability to enjoy time with the other.
I definitely think this is a part of it too. I often find it's easier to be myself around girls I'm not really attracted too or who are openly not straight (because in that case I naturally respect never considering a romantic relationship) or whom I realize are way out of my league. Even though I'm young (still in college), I don't think that will change much until I enter a romantic relationship.
True, now that's established - should he pursue a romantic relationship with some he's not physically attracted to? If they ever did a assessment of relationship what they like about each other he's going to basically have to lie to her - or skirt the truth. She says "what do you find attractive about me.? He say. "Your funny. "But do you find me attractive?" Him - "Umm.... - Could you define that??"
@@sitka49 I mean, it depends. There’s not like a morally or scientifically correct answer here. My first thought is that if you’re not sexually attracted to someone (ie you can’t or don’t want to imagine ever engaging sexually with this person) then, no. Why would you? You’re not obligated to be married in the first place. And if you find yourself desiring marriage because you’re afraid of “missing out” or that “time is ticking”, you’re motivator is out of fear, not love, and that’s also a really bad reason to pursue marriage. But secondly, it may well be that as you continue to spend time with someone they become so very dear to you it’s difficult to imagine a life without them. Maybe you don’t get horny thinking of them, but you can imagine raising kids together, serving together, etc. In that case, the relationship may be worth pursuing! I would only caveat that with if their body is *actively sexually repulsive* to you, for God’s sake, don’t pursue it. One of the obligations of marriage is the sexual, and pursuing someone you’re actively not attracted to seems like a work against charity.
@@sitka49 I want to add this: porn and even more insidiously, our engagement with images of women mediated through the screen instead of the person, has deeply twisted our desires. We actually desire more than ever not sex, but masturbation while looking at screens. We don’t desire the female body, but the image of a female body mediated through glass. So if you find yourself not pursuing more real women, it may be a sign that your desires have gone awry due to our new and insidious technology. I would suggest spending less time looking at screens and more time with real people, interacting with real bodies, as a way to heal that desire. Sometimes our desires need to be “led” as it were by our culture, and one way we can do that is immersing ourselves in social environments that share the same end (church/catholic environments and functions can be helpful here). You may find that over time, spending time with real bodies, you find new desires awakening within you that were smothered before.
@@wierdpocket What you described to me is like being married with a friendship with benefits, but not a lot passion and or no real love ( or like brother sister love?) Or friend zoned with sex? -
And after while it starts to be utility or obligation intimacy, or Like the old couple that gets married for companionship ,but there's no physical intimacy , but your only in your 30's.
I worked with this friend of mine , that kind was in this situation. He married this girl he wasn't head over heels attracted to her, but that he knew her from highschool and they got along well as friends.
Years later they ran into each other and started causal relationship that they ended up into marriage. They had been married for few yr, well she put on some/lot of weight during this time, and him being that he struggle with the intimacy with her in the beginning anyway with the attraction issues, this compounded it.
So now he said he was to point of being repulsed and disgusted by having sex, that they hadn't had sex 6 mo.
I guess Idk maybe they should've kept it as a friendship. Even back then I thought to myself why would you get marry to someone you're on the fence about or not really attracted to?
One thing about marriage it can certainly change the dynamics of a lot of things - Generally if was somewhat of a red/ yellow flag in the beginning that can turn into the 800'lb gorilla in the room real quick.
and your right, there certainly is no moral scientific right or wrong.
Stranger things because i had another guy i know that went out on a first date with this girl, well they ended up having sex ,and about 2 month later she called him and told him she was pregnant ( I guess that was there 2nd date her calling him. Lol) So he decided he would marry her - I told him it was a stupid idea - but they got married anyway well 15 years later and 3 kids later and there still happily married.
In my own personal experience I found a girl on a dating app and I liked everything about her except her pictures. And because I felt that I wouldn’t be attracted to her, I didn’t pursue her. It wasn’t until a year later that we picked a conversation back up and I went on a date with her just for the heck of it. Wasn’t expecting much. But when I saw her it changed for me completely. Her eyes made me melt, and she had the sweetest smile and wore a cute outfit. This girl I brushed off was actually insanely cute.
Never discount someone right off the bat. Give it a shot. One date. See where the chemistry is for one another. Do you love their appearance or do you that and their soul? Their personality? Their morals and judgement? Humor? There’s so much to love in a person. Find all of that and more.
I would never want to be with a man that does not find me attractive. That must be horrible. Every woman want to feel beautiful, also for her husband. She knows deep inside that she is, but she needs to find the right man that sees her beauty. (In all the important ways ofcourse)
this video is funny, because this is EXACTLY how I felt about my wife when we first met. She was great, she just wasn't my "type". Long story short, God worked some things out in me and I realized basing every relationship on sexual attraction hadn't been working out for me (I was already 35 by the time I met my wife). So here we are almost 10 years later, happily married with three great kids.
Praise God for your beautiful marriage!
Beautiful but it sounds like you settled.
@@Lola-qy9ytyeah he did. these are the same men that say “ finding your dream girl is unrealistic “
no it was just unrealistic for you.
@@Ana-brwn I found my "dream girl" when I was 20 years old. It turns out she was all wrong for me, and I spent the next decade looking for girls just like her. That was a mistake. It isn't "settling" to step out of your comfort zone and acknowledge the fact that most people don't make wise decisions when it comes to choosing a mate. That's why we used to have arranged marriage.
Another thing to consider is how things can change in your mind.
I just started really talking this fall to a friend that I've known for three years (and we've talked about dating next year). I never considered her particularly attractive, but now I get chills when I look at her. My mind has definitely changed, and I've already told her she's an 11. :)
Kinda crazy to think about it, since we started hanging out together when neither was attracted to the other. Now we're patiently seeking God's time for the next step.
Wow that's amazing
My mum always said 'many a warm heart beat above a pair of bandy legs'. As I get older I understand this to be very true.
The inner beauty of a warm heart will always overshadow external looks.
Mom wisdom tends to be spot on!
I don’t recommend being in a relationship with someone you aren’t sexually attracted to. I tried it and it was horrible. We constantly fought about there not being “enough sex”. I thought 2 to 3 times a week was enough. 🤷🏾♀️
2-3 times a week is quite normal in my opinion. Depending on the duration of the relationship ofc
I had to get high or drunk to want to sleep with my exes.
I ended up marrying a man who I wasn’t attracted to physically with hopes he would grow on me.. he didn’t and I find him completely gross
I am a 49-year-old male who has always been single (for various reasons). I am also Protestant, but this is hands-down the absolute best explanation I have ever heard for something I have experienced, both in my experience of physical attraction, and my experience of female friendships. I have never had a serious romantic relationship (that was real), and this is why! I don’t want a shallow relationship, but I never had the words to express, even to myself, what I have always been looking for, until now. Thank you, brother, for articulating something I never could! I am saving this video and will refer to it often, as the Lord leads me through life. God bless you for being obedient and answering this question.
Heh heh. It really is a shame. Average men and women could get married back then because of either status, family, or virtue over looks. Now it's mostly attraction first. Before this used to anger and hurt me, but now, I'm learning that sometimes, you try your best and it doesn't work out. Praise God that I'm not in hell. Praise God that I'm not in a marriage where my only value is if I'm attractive enough to a man. Praise be to God that I'm not being settled for because he couldn't find someone better.
It is important to give a charitable interpretation (benefit of the doubt) to someone asking for help or advice. It is incredibly hard for decent people to navigate the dating world nowadays, especially for people who want to follow God's will. Avoid judging the person and challenge the idea. Marriage is a vocation, not something you should or should not expect. Celebacy is a vocation aswell. I hope these ideas help. Have a very blessed day.
@@timex1440sphow do you mean by marriage being a vocation??
That is scary that some man could marry you because you are the best he could get.
@ositachime1181 a lot to be said about marriage being a vocation. Think of priesthood as a call from God. The same applies to marriage between a man and a woman, and both of them, through their marriage, are called to be saints.
also important to understand that the “fun” girls often don’t age well.. a cruel irony for the beauty obsessed man. i have been married for 30 years, let me assure this person too, that after around a year, you only see how kind and loving and merciful and funny your spouse is..as handsome as my husband still is, i do not even see that… i see how he’s operating as a husband. incidentally, it also makes me sad to see pretty women as they age hurting themselves with injectable poisons in order to hold on to a kind of beauty that can never be restored.. and it looks ugly. beauty is truly internal.
Dude, something that really destroyed my vision about women was p0rn. Nobody is sufficiently attractive when compared to those abominations that we see on internet, and then you start to run from the girls that aren't like a supermodel or something. Today I'm on a relationship, and I care a lot about my girlfriend. That video was great, even tough I'm really confused about the healthy standards that I'd have if I didn't have watched porn before. Anyways, I'll do my best and love my girlfriend the way God wants me to do.
God bless y'all!
Thank you for sharing, brother! Keep fighting the good fight, we're praying for you.
My mothers advice is the cherry on top - and it’s very simple. (You don’t need to enter into lust to do this either).
Although Christopher West’s answer is absolutely spot on, it’s still a little vague on the details.
My moms advice - “if you can’t see yourself kissing that person, there isn’t enough attraction there.”
My parents are that ‘old cute couple’ who just celebrated 50 yrs of marriage - and my wife and I are also very happily into 15 years with 5 kids.
It’s solid advice… character traits and shared values first, attraction second, but there does have to be at least a minimum level of ‘raw material’, and at its simplest reality that means you must actually WANT to kiss that person… all the best friendship-ness in the world might not achieve that base level of attraction, and it would be unwise to pursue a relationship without that as part of the ‘raw material’.
Thank you for sharing! The "raw material" is good and God intended.
Wow your mom's advice is so simple yet so effective! I am going to use that moving forward to assess my attraction to a woman.
First time seeing this channel. Instant subscribed!! I’m a reborn Christian trying cope in the looseness, hookup culture and hedonism of the secular modern world. Hearing a well thought through articulation of physical attraction and love integrated in the way you explained is what this messed up secular culture needs. Amen 🙏🏽
Are you Chatolic?
Christopher West, words can’t describe how thankful I am for what you explained in this video. When you said about rooting your love in the value and dignity of the person, you will see their value and dignity radiating through their body. Honestly, this has been the way I’ve felt attractions with women but couldn’t explain it until now. Also, this explains why when I have based my life merely on attraction it feels empty, in the sense that you feel a a deep connection. Please pray for me to find a good wife that both of us put God in the center and for our love to be rooted in clue and dignity so the attraction will be FOREVER! I’m yearning to be get married and be one with someone and have children, God willing!
Thank you for sharing! Praying for you and your future bride.
Some people are considered "too good" for someone because they are more attractive.
There are a culture of men who think dating a very beautiful woman gives them status.
Day by day I understand Saint Rose of Lima more.
Every human person is VERY GOOD before the eyes of God!
I find that as you fall in love with someone they become the most beautiful woman in the world to you, even if beforehand you didn't thinknthey were beautiful.
This is a high value man, giving HIGH value advice 🙏🏼! I pry this goes viral! This is true wisdom and not short sighted of the future
Thank you for watching! Your viewership helps the video get out there.
Involved in a young adult group I have found many of my fellow men focusing on how physically attractive a woman is as the first and primary point. And what’s more many use the theology of the body as a defense for their behavior.
I’m glad you made this video which acknowledges attractiveness, but also calls us to move beyond that framework. I know I could be better at it myself.
as you mentioned its a young adult group....as they grow and their brain develops they will mature
But isn't it the same for women? I can never be romantically interested in someone whom I'm not attracted to.
We must pray for one another; that we may see as He sees!
Its biological and its not going anywhere, getting involved with a person you are not attracted to is just gonna make the women who are more attractive and distracting and create a issue for you to struggle with for no good reason. Don't make your life harder than its supposed to be, only date women you have a bat least a baseline attraction to, it will be harder to maintain a full relationship if its not there.
Nothing wrong with attraction. But I notice that Catholic men want the percect trad wife, not realizing that they aren't so perfect themselves.
Yes! Physical attraction is important, but its not the end all be all. You should certainly be attracted to your spouse but true, authentic love goes beyond that. True, authentic love is total, faithful, and fruitful
Amen!
Social media and other influences have really warped our perception towards physical beauty I think. All you’re seeing on social media is “10/10s” so much so that your standards have been raised supernormally high. When you go out into the real world and see real people look like people, you may perceive them as not attractive enough when in the meantime your standards are just unrealistic.
Agree agree agree, it's more realistic to just switch off the platforms that promote that kind of crazy and admit your own level of physical attractiveness, then go out in search for someone on your level. I look nice eg. but I'm not a big muscle man or otherwise super hot, so I tended to get really needy and overwhelmed around girls that look like supermodels. Talked to one girl who did not have what I was looking for physically and just got a little sad when she got a boyfriend... But the sadness didn't last long. Then I had a two year relationship with a girl I thought was so pretty it was honestly fantastic, but I blew it by not having some good inner characteristics I should have had. Point is that last girl was a great match, she was pretty but not out of my league. I think she was a bit offended I saw it that way, but I've learned that being honest doesn't need to mean being too blunt
Imagine a man saying he’s not attracted to u but he thinks you’re ‘fun’😂😂😂 yikes
Some people over-estimate their own attractiveness as well, both physically and personality-wise. Self-evaluation isn't a bad idea when seeking a long-term relationship. When I was in high school, my friends had crushes on guys who were considered highly attractive physically. Those same guys were very unattractive to me because they weren't incredibly kind or funny. They let their looks represent them as a person. Spending time with a person who is a joy to be around but may not be deemed attractive initially in a snap judgment, may very well radiate attractive physical features that were overlooked initially. Give them a chance, see if anything develops. Every single personal has unattractive qualities.
I think that ease of enjoyment, having more fun as the person puts. It, can also be rooted in the psychological intimidation of someone who is found really attractive, and approaching them romantically, as opposed to approaching someone who is maybe not as physically stunning, but still enjoyable, and letting your guard down around that person. You're not as pressed interiorly to try and impress this person, it just comes more naturally because you're not psyching yourself out with how much beauty is there. I've always found that getting to know a person, no matter how physically attractive they are, often elevates my attraction from the merely physical to something more emotional, psychological, and spiritual.
C'mon here sir! The foundation of the relationship "should" be to the deepness of the value of the person. It's very solid. We can't even see true beauty until we look deep within a person.
I only thought of my husband as attractive the closer I got to him and the more I understood him. Most amazing man I have ever met! When it came to good looking guys I steered clear, never gave any of them time of day, knowing majority have a terrible personality. Thinking looks could get them anyone and anywhere. I looked at the heart and nothing else!
Thank you for sharing your story!
looks have nothing to do with a persons personality, there are plenty of unattractive people out here with terrible personalities to match.
@@r.walker7986 Did you not read the word majority I did not say all
But I digress majority of the population of the world has a rotten attitude and personality
@@r.walker7986agreed. It’s almost as if there is some sort of unspoken insistence that the less conventionally attractive you are , the better heart and personality you have and vice versa. This is similar to the ridiculous assumption that very attractive blondes can’t be intelligent , whereas the “uglier “ women are. Who says someone can’t be both “ugly” and “dumb” and the converse ?
Chris really said “yes, you’re being superficial.” in the most polite and theological way. 🤣
blessed is the person who knows the difference between what you want and what you need
This video answers a lot of questions I have had about attraction. Thank you!
We're so glad it blessed you! Please pray for us.
Thank you for the interesting video. I got married to my wife when we were both in our early 20s (24 for me 22 for her) and we fell in love just by meeting and chatting online in a totally unrelated setting. By the time we finally met in person, she was a faithful "revert" and I was attending catechism -- the priest asked us outright when we planned on getting married because we seemed so compatible.
I guess my advice to this man and other young men in this situation is as follows: there will always be something you can find to be attracted to about a virtuous woman, men are both biologically and supernaturally wired to do so. In the inverse, if you marry a beautiful yet sinful or cruel woman then that supernatural truth will manifest like a canker in your home life.
Don't care about looks, just want peace and harmony with my loved one that's all.
We all long for peace and harmony!
Any advice for us not-so pretty ladies who have "great personalities" and are fully aware, but don't want a husband who obviously settles?
Thank you for you comment @RootbeerAndBeans ! We truly believe that every person reveals a glimpse of the eternal beauty of God! That being said: Christopher and his wife Wendy address more specific questions and give more detailed advice in their weekly podcast. Feel free to submit your question here: askchristopherwest.com/ask
@@TheologyoftheBodyInstitute thank you :) God bless!
Unpopular opinion: unattractive people are
not supposed to be in relationships or pursuing them in the first place. God did not
create them for that. If he did, then questions like this would not have to be asked. Just serve God celibate and in solitude. Humans were wired to seek attractiveness for a
reason.
I am looking at your photo and you are VERY PRETTY!!!!!
@@blitzkrieg6872 oh so kind of you, but that was many years ago/before my beloved dog stepped on my nose :D at any rate, between my dad and the older ladies in my community (you know they can't lie, haha)... i've been told many times i have an unusual face. thanks, folks! whatever, i'm fine with it, i just don't want some guy settling.
The double standard those men will be the first one being upset because attractive women want men with money or good resources😂
Does he have more fun because he's not nervous, and there aren't high stakes involved?
Physical attraction can grow over time. When I first met my husband I thought he was cute, but as I got to know him and his character and who he is as a person he became the most handsome and attractive man in the world to me.
I don't even notice other men anymore. They do nothing for me.
My attraction to my husband is deeper than physical attraction. I'm attracted to him as a whole person. Which is why as he is aging I find myself loving the crinkles he gets next to his eyes. And this beautiful silver streak is starting to form in his hair that makes him look like an awesome X men character 😂. I just love it!
It's why I know that I will still be physically attracted to him when we are old and gray.
That's beautiful, thank you for sharing!
It is far, far, far, far, FAR more likely that mental attraction will grow over time (it is literally inevitable) than physical attraction will. You are denying someone else to opportunity to be with him that finds him incredibly physically attractive AT THAT VERY MOMENT who doesn't need to "grow into" appreciating him.
@@Milktube I disagree. I am not wired to have intense physical attraction to anyone right off the bat. I have never been like that. Attraction for me always grows over time because I am attracted to an entire person. And I remember losing physical attraction to boys in high school. I might develop a little crush on one I thought was cute, and then I find out he's not a very nice guy or I see him behaving in an immature or inappropriate manner, and I would become revolted by the sight of him.
For me, someone's character is interwoven into how attractive I see them. So initial attraction has never been super intense for me. Because I don't know them.
Again I thought my husband was cute. I was attracted to him at the beginning, but he was a stranger. Until I got to know him better it was impossible for me to experience the attraction I have to him now. And he had the same experience. He was attracted initially and thought I was cute, but he said my kindness and feisty bubbly personality just drew him more and more to me.
He is wired the same way I am 😂 so it's a great thing we found each other. And we are completely obsessed with each other and can't keep our hands off each other now.
I couldn't care less that he didn't instantly find me the hottest woman on Earth. I'm pretty average in the looks department. Maybe a 6 on my best day. Again I believe physical attraction can grow over time. As your love and affection for someone grows it all goes along with it. And both my husband and I experienced this.
Now if you have zero attraction at the beginning, I don't know if that can truly be overcome. Perhaps for some people, but I know that a medium level of attraction can easily grow into an oh my gosh you're the hottest man on Earth kind of attraction. Because I've experienced it.
And who cares if you didn't feel that way right at the beginning? I'm so glad my husband was drawn to me for more than my physical appearance. Because if we are blessed enough to live a long life, we are all going to get old and wrinkly. What do you do then if your entire relationship was built on physical attraction alone?
‘I don’t want to be superficial’…while being superficial. A ‘beautiful bride’ is for one day, after that she’s your wife …. choose wisely
I'd just like to say this. Anyone who's all arrogant and has no trouble getting dates or is married and judges people for not getting any. Just know that it happened because God allowed it to. He could've easily shut the door and made you an involuntary celibate for the rest of your life or gave you the vocation of religious life. He could've made you have an accident or make you born ugly. He could've made you infertile..... One change in time and he could've allowed you never to meet your spouse. ........Don't get cocky.
Disclaimer: Of course we have to put effort to better ourselves to become good future spouses and parents. But I'm just sick and tired of people saying "you're single because of x,y , and z..." I've seen tons of fat, unattractive, ugly, infertile, sickly, average people find good Catholic dates and got married. You telling me their spouse is blind or something and didn't notice that there was x,y,and z wrong with them?? No, God allowed them to meet and it's beautiful. Stop putting pressure on people. It just causes more insecurity.
Yup . I often wonder why I never got lucky enough to be married and if I was some terrible person that God didn’t “reward “ me with a spouse but I have seen far too many people who I know is no saint that still met someone they really loved and who loved them back so I have to chalk it up to God allowed it for his reasons .
I used to think I didn't deserve a relationship, because it never happened. It made me feel inadequate for years. When I came back to the catholic faith, it brought me a lot o peace. I know God is in control, and I am doing my part. I am trying to be a better woman, trying to know myself better, my values, my dreams and what I want...trying to be close to God. If it never happens, I just pray I am strong enough to trust God even then.
It's true! Thank you for talking about this!
You're so welcome!
I’ve been struggling with this for a while. You mentioned physical attractiveness is still fundamental at the beginning. Shouldn’t I strive for both? Why do I have to focus on one or the other? Is it delusional to try and find a woman that I find beautiful and I truly care about wholeheartedly as a person? That just seems like the best route.
100%. If you just focus on personality and neglect physical attractiveness then you'll have issues too. Beauty is a God given thing and isn't necessarily vapid or vein. Having both is certainly ideal and worth aiming for.
I think may be he means expecting your significant other to be extremely beautiful. I think most women are decent if they cared for themselves. It is very rare to see an extraordinarily beautiful woman.
Both is important. People that will say look only on the believe and love to christ and on character are wrong. Sure they are in the end way more important and hold together as they the visual loof fades with age. Still the feeling and desire to want a girl that one is attracted to is still important. First of all its the thing that both the woman and men needs to get closer and the second thing is if only the character and believe in god is part of your live but no phsyical attraction than thats not good and it wont hold for long. So yes character and Believe and strive for god is more important but dating a person you also find attractive has to be also that a relationaship feels right and holds together.
If you'd like to get a more detailed answer, Christopher and his wife Wendy address questions like yours and give more detailed advice in their weekly podcast. Feel free to submit your question here: askchristopherwest.com/ask
Are you attractive yourself?? Then, yes. If not, why should she be attracted to you?
The dramatic camera zoom when you’re talking about physical beauty fading 😂
Ha! It's pretty serious stuff. Thank you for watching!
This is really beautiful , thank you
We're so glad it blessed you! Please pray for us.
Interesting how he had more fun and can be himself with certain women, but actively chooses to pursue women due to vanity. This is a common problem men have - the opportunity for love appears but it doesn’t come in the package he prefers. All the while, telling women they aren’t good enough for HIM.
I’m almost positive this guy isn’t very attractive himself but desires something he doesn’t have. He met women who fit his personality and lifestyle but it wasn’t enough. Young people today are doomed bc they think they deserve more than they actually do. Finding a woman with a good personality, compatible values and child bearing hips (fertile) used to be enough
This is like how a woman wants a rich man even though she's not rich herself, or thinking she deserves a man who makes more money than her.
@@kojo2773men who make less money than their women tend to be jealous and threatened though. Realistically, women need to marry someone who has the same amount (or more) of stuff to lose.
How many times throughout Songs of Soloman did Soloman emphasize his lovers “amazing personality”?…
I’m not discounting the value of connecting with the individual on an emotional and/or psychological level, but for most cases it seems as though the church largely uses this as a cope to supplement a lacking presence of physical attraction, then behave clueless when issues continue to escalate without resolve throughout the longevity of the relationship.
where in the bible does it bring up looks
Most men marry for looks. But look at the divorce rate. Clearly that isn’t working
I don't know. I think average looking women fare better overall. My sister is over 200 pounds, has various tattoos, and doesn't wear any makeup. But she's been married for almost 10 years and has a kid. And I kind of envy that because i feel like she's allowed to look however she wants and she knows her husband isn't going anywhere.
Me on the other hand, I'm vain. I want to look as good as I can while I can. I feel like if I'm not perfect I'm going to get bypassed. The only date I went on this year I had a really good time but then he didn't ask me out again. And my first thought was that he didn't think I was pretty enough and I racked my brain for a long time about it. So then I think, what if I gain 100 pounds and get tattoos will that make me loveable to someone? I really don't know some days.
Look what happened to Marilyn Monroe. She was beautiful. But her beauty didn't inspire the type of love she wanted or needed. It made her vulnerable to abuse. Compare with Sarah Jessica Parker who was cruelly nominated as the ugliest woman in Hollywood who has been married for over 20 years!!
Hello @emilyl6746 Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable! If you'd be open to begin a journey of healing, we recommend reading Theology of the Body for Beginners. It'll give you a wholesome view of how your body and reveals a glimpse of the Eternal Love of the Trinity! shop.corproject.com/collections/books/products/theology-of-the-body-for-beginners
The reason why you had to use your sister as a very specific example is because that is an anomaly. It strengthens the fact that such relationships are unusual or unnatural.
Forget about what they think of your appearance. If they asked you out they already find you attractive. If he didn’t ask you out again he’s not the one, that’s all. We don’t need to understand why some things happen, we just need to know that that door was closed but there will be another door somewhere sometime. Take care of your garden and you’ll attract butterflies. Stay well.
Of course he wants a pretty wife. Every man wants a pretty wife. And, very often, pretty = young = potential for many healthy children and long life together. These are good things to want. But see, you're not buying a painting, you're committing your life to a person. Persons are more than how pretty they are to look at. Consider how rough women have it if that was the standard; do you think YOU are a pretty man? No such thing exists. I'm not even saying a man can't/shouldn't be drawn to a woman's beauty, but the man asking the question already knows the answer: if you find a pretty woman and there is nothing else about her which makes you want to commit your life to her, then you're not going to be happy. And, just as the man asking the question already knows, the more time you spend with people, the more things about them you know and can be attracted to. Very hard to know someone's hobbies, values and sense of humor at a glance.
Imagine yourself 5 years later: "Here's the worn-down man, and beside him is his nagging, rude, obnoxious (but very pretty) wife". No one wants to be there
Brilliantly said.
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you. So true ❤
Bless
If you know there’s no chemistry between you and the person you’re dating then break it off. I once dated a doctor who was 8 years my senior and was good looking but I was not physically attracted to him. Friends told me I was crazy when I broke it off with him. Only God knew that 2 months later I would meet my (now) husband.
Looks and chemistry are important when you’re young and you start dating/ get married. Looks fade and our bodies age. But as you get older, especially when you have a family, the “lust” turns into a deep love and respect for one another
Thank you for sharing! The "raw material" is good but it's not the most important. We'd encourage you to watch this video on the distinction between lust and attraction you're alluding to in the last paragraph. It might be helpful: ruclips.net/video/C2_1QAL_t8M/видео.htmlsi=IQ-Ij1cxKjJboJLA
"Chemistry" is the worst way to evaluate a spouse, as it is nothing more than a feeling, which is fleeting. No wonder marriage rates are so low.
@@user-ij2cg8ft1fApart from divorce, a man's nightmare is a wife who doesn't want to be physical with him. And, worse, shames him for wanting that. The physical part of marriage is way more important to a man than women comprehend, and can be involved with his ability to connect and to be tender.
Hi Debbie , how long have you now been married ?
I needed this video 🫡🙏
We're so glad it blessed you! Keep fighting the good fight.
She is not pretty to you...she is a world to someone else.😊
Hmm, this is an interesting conversation. I think physical attraction is important, especially in the beginning. I haven’t met any, “fun” girls in my life that I also wasn’t physically attracted to firstly. I’ve been told so many times to focus solely on their character and stuff. Human beings are body and soul, not either or. I’d hope if I ever get married my wife would take pleasure in my body as well as my soul. That being said, I am not plugged into any Christian community or even a community of any sort. It’s just factory, sleep, grocery store and repeat for almost 5 years now. I haven’t met a girl my age that was interested in me since college. There was a girl once, that when I met her I felt like I got hit by lighting and it got really hard for me to speak without making myself a fool in her presence. I haven’t felt that before or since then. There is one woman I’ve ran into at work that embodies something which I never knew was attractive to me. For some reason this one woman will laugh about stuff, but it’s like the laughter fills her whole body, here face turns red, and she starts tremble and cover her mouth to hide her smile. There’s something about that quality, to laugh bodily, that I find very attractive. It doesn’t hurt that she’s just beautiful physically to start. The laughter only adds to her beauty in my eyes. It’s something I never knew I was attracted to before, but for some reason it’s very attractive to me. Most women I’ve met have been really cold individuals and self serious. But this woman is physically attractive, and the laughter only heightens the attractiveness, it is magnetizing.
I still long for relationship, love and physical intimacy, but I don’t believe it’ll happen for me. I’m 28 almost 29 now. If it was going to happen I would have found her by now.
You are still very young, give it time. Maybe, try to ask out that girl that smiles?
@@daniele1296 I would but that is not possible.
@@prestonowens4594 Even then, there is a lot of good women out there. Don't lose hope to get what you want!
Just go outside
You seem from your writing to be very intelligent, so you know you have time. Things have not worked out, and sometimes things don’t just happen. You actually have to give little pushes. Someone is always watching and admiring. You mentioned the coworker’s smile and laugh, and she probably does not know you like that about her. There is someone or maybe a few ladies who like things about you. It could be the faint smell of your cologne. What you bring for lunch and eat in the break room everyday, or anything, and I mean the simplest of things. Continue to be your best self each day, and simply greet a woman. When she passes you or makes eye contact just say hello or how are you and keep it moving. It does not have to be loud or force. Just matter of fact, and keep it moving. She will notice. You are nowhere near even 50. You are in a space to be struck by lighting like you said, and your entire world turn out for the better. Keep your head up. You got this.
In most cases unfortunately and because of *orn and IG models, boys have become very shallow in their beauty standards and shrink their pool of potential partners significantly because they want the hot supermodel who takes care of the house and can also match their income and have their kids. Unless you are equally GQ male model hot, don’t be an ass to women about their looks. It often takes men well into their 40s to realize it’s on the inside what matters.
Even worse, they may be attracted to a girl others might find overweight or what have you, and then due to embarrassment never settle with what he'd be happy with.
The lady in the thumbnail actually is pretty, sometimes it's us guys who have unrealistic standards in terms of physical appearence, the main causes being the likes of social media and of course, the porn epidemic
While everything you said makes sense, I think there’s still one unanswered question. You said that physical attraction is a *part* of love. So what if there’s a woman with a wonderful, attractive personality and godly character…but she’s just not physically attractive…at all? I’ve seen this happen many times. I’ve met women who have the same goals and values as me. Similar theology. Waiting until marriage to have sex. Feminine and follows feminine gender roles. Prays without ceasing. Wants children. Doesn’t see divorce as an option. Just wonderful. BUT there is zero physical attraction. She’s just not my physical type. The thought of having sex with her is just not appealing.
What would you do in this situation? I’ve been in it multiple times. Just be friends? Or pursue romance with her? She seems like such a needle in a haystack, like there’s no other woman as ideal as her, internally. But it also wouldn’t be fair for either of us to be with someone with no physical/sexual attraction.
Thoughts?
This is exactly what I argue. There could be a woman who is the kindest most devout person on the planet, but if you're not physically attracted to her it just won't work. It's doing a disservice to yourself and to her because im sure she'd rather be with someone that does find her attractive and would complement her on that
Hello! Maybe, try to be friends for a while and see if that changes. If not, it's not fair to you and her if you don't find her attractive. You will find someone else, and she will find someone else. Attraction is not the most important thing, but i has to be there :)
I’d say then leave it alone, not meant to be.
She prob feels the same way tbh
If you dont find me attractive keep moving someone else does. They like me both physically and emotionally. I definitely don’t want someone who sees being with me as settling. I am far too awesome for that. Be gone
GOD Bless you, Pastor 💜🙏🏾✝️☝🏾
God bless you, too!
Interesting choice for the thumbnail 🤔
Nope. "That fun" stems from the absence of anxiety that young man feels when he's not in a high-pressure social interaction. The fact that he is not attached to the outcome when with unattractive women allows him to let go, be himself and have fun. It also means that any relationships with those women would lack one of the raw materials of love.
I feel the same. I am so nervous around strikingly handsome men
I’m gonna push back a little here. From personal experience, I’ve felt no anxiety or pressure around attractive women and failed to have any fun in their company, same goes for being around unattractive women too. Alternately, I’ve had a lot of fun around attractive and unattractive women, while being anxious, who had great senses of humor, compassion, and high degrees of intelligence and feminine grace. I think it’s absurd to reduce it all to simply having a lack of anxiety.
I don’t think he’s advocating for being with someone who you don’t find attractive. He’s saying that in some cases, someone can become physically attractive to us when we begin to see the qualities of God manifested uniquely in them. So to marry someone in that particular case, wouldn’t “lack the raw material” you mentioned.
Thank you for sharing your perspective!
Lol, from what you're saying I should watch out for those guys that are too comfortable around me, it means they aren't into me.
Almost all women overestimate their physical attractiveness.
Wellll....it could also be that the writer isn't very sure of himself and he only feels at ease around people he isn't that attracted to. Would be interesting to know how old the guy is etc. Still, a great take by Christopher West
Thank you for watching!
Attraction matters more nowadays because it's more scarce. Obesity, tattoos, bad piercings, and bad hair dye all have made a considerable amount of women unattractive. Go back just a few decades and people took better care of themselves.
Lol..no its not. Its fueled by lust.
Wait until you see the men. They look even worse
I'd first ask why would one seek what's the most beautiful, or why are you drawn to that. I understand physical attraction but it's also deceitful. I'd argue seek out what's virtuous and look into yourself to see why you might want that 10/10 looking person, is lust or pride the driving force. I'd also encourage to reflect on St Thomas Aquinas' quote "To love someone is to will the good of them". Being drawn to someone good looking is only human but it's also superficial, there's so much more to a person than that beauty contest and if you're looking for a partner focus on making sure you'll choose a person for the right reasons. Hopefully this makes sense and doesn't come across as a harsh correction but moreso as important things to ponder.
Thank you for sharing!
This has concerned me as well, shouldn’t I feel like I desire my spouse? What if I never feel physically attracted to my husband?
Christopher and his wife Wendy address more specific questions and give more detailed advice in their weekly podcast. Feel free to submit your question here: askchristopherwest.com/ask
@@rosyclown These are some of the worst reason I've ever heard - do you think any of these analogies are viable in the long run? Men that are way down In attraction date, marry someone above there league generally have other issues too that won't show up til later - Insecurities, jealousy, controlling, and manipulative, gaslighting guilt tripping There all cost inflicting strategies just to keep her/ them in control and to change someone's behavior ( and could turn into stocking issue if they break up with them) And ugly people dont better looking over the yrs. either.
Better not to marry him.
Have fun with dating, give people a chance (unless you reaaallllyyyy feel in your gut that you don't want to). Some people are not the greatest looking, but they aren't hideous either. You might love their personality or become attracted to them because they're a great Catholic. But of course, if you don't want to. You don't have to. Only you can explain that gut feeling.
Never date someone out of pity. I've done that before and it's a waste of time. Some guys just aren't your type and no amount of personality or how great of a Catholic he is will change that.
@@sitka49i tried to make myself like a guy one time because he seemed to like me so much although I had ZERO desire to hold his hand or be close to him or kiss him . I could never manage to pull off what rosyclown suggests unless I resign myself to a life of misery and feeling disgust toward my spouse . Unbelievable what some people actually present as justification for marrying someone you feel no attraction to and even repulsed by.
I think you present one side very well. However, both people in the relationship need to think there is enough attractiveness to progress the relationship. Of course that is subjective, but if it’s not there, I think it’s best not to pursue someone.
This may sound crazy ,but “perfect” people are boring to me my friends will question my choices sometimes ,but to me they are crazy attractive . I like mine a little weird , unique features, goofy someone that’ll make me laugh for years and I can talk to for hours. yes ,attraction somewhat matters ,but I think all the other factors make you 10x more attracted just my opinion though .
Thanks for this video. I think it's really relevant now in society. And I think it's really relatable and applicable in my own life because I've been struggling in my thoughts how to find a Godly wife if I don't feel attracted to her physically.
We're so glad it was helpful! Please pray for us.
On advice from my mother and from my own experience recognize you are selecting the person you will talk to for the rest of your life. Sincere faith and moral character are first.
The Apostle Paul instructed men and women (husbands and wives) “to learn to love another…”. Or in my late father’s words: “Sweetheart, falling in love with beauty is a short lived love…”. Thank you Daddy❤️
As a woman I just gave up on marriage and children because only men I’m not attracted to are interested in me. Oh, well. Quite crying and pick up that cross.
Is it their physical appearance or their interest?
@@IONov990 Both. Men only want one thing.
@@petrichor5294 If you are young, which it sounds like, you may still have time. Dating is scary. I'm always unsure who I should give a chance to.
May I ask how fit are you? (I’m married btw).
Have you tried going to the gym? It’s a healthy habit and you will look fit even in your 50’s…
Maybe if you would be more fit, you would attract much more attractive men which you could see yourself being married to.
My Cross is hard for me, some may think it’s nonsense but for me physical attraction is very important.
I’m married 2.5 years) to someone who’s not fit and doesn’t have feminine figure (upside triangle) while I’m attracted to pearl shaped figure, while being very fit at the same time. I even sometimes look at fit, curvy women who are 50 (I’m 31) and think myself wow, that’s a figure. I myself have been working out since I was 15 and when I met my future Wife, I wasn’t interested in being married and I was a bad Catholic (interested in casual s*x & dating). So I wasn’t really attracted body wise but it was "good enough". Years passed, "pink glasses" fell down and now that I’m matured from being in love (hormonally also) to a more mature love, but now that the reality is set, I’m not giving any compliments because it would be a lie (I have ridiculous standards for myself and even more for my SO). Sad for my Wife and myself. I would never "look back" at my Wife while at the same time breaking my neck on "curvy gym girls". It breaks me apart and my Wife’s as well. We are very honest to each other.
So my suggestion would probably be to date someone who you want to look back at and would give compliments because you truly feel like that and not just say because "you have to".
PS I’m Traditional Catholic (2.4 years SSPX). If I was like that from my childhood, I wouldn’t be doing things or dating someone who’s not Catholic (my Wife is not Baptised or Christian. That’s very very very hard because of Her Soul, Our future children and their Faith/Soul).
@@AK_Catholic_Traditional Thanks for nothing loser.
True beauty is beneath “skin deep “
Have faith, hope and love.
Have faith, hope and love.
Have faith, hope and love.
Amen!
Something that isn’t talked about enough is the “downside” of being conventionally attractive. People really don’t take you seriously and unnecessarily try to neg you.
Exactly. That’s why allot of attractive people act stuck up or cold at first because they need to discern whether people are genuine or gonna bring bs to them.
Definitely this. I suffered a lot in friendships and dating because of their projections. I spent my whole life trying to prove to them that I wasn’t shallow and “down to earth” and it still wasn’t enough. I just came to the conclusion that alot of them are insecure but they still want to use you for the social perks of being with one. But they’ll be all in for someone they’re not intimidated by, which is still an insult because they’re still acting from their insecurities and aren’t working on them.
Thanks for your answer. I was wondering, what if I have a standard where I want an attractive man physically, spiritually and psychologically? I tend to joke around that I will never settle if this is my standard cause it’s high on the 3. However, I really know a lot of men who are great, but I am not able to go on with the guy cause he is not physically attractive. I also know men that are physically attractive but not spiritually and I don’t settle for that either. So my question is, shouldn’t we look for someone with the 3 aspects?
I believe society has impregnated in us, through pornography and idealism, a "perfect" body or stereotype.
So when we think about physical attraction our main point of comparison to establish the "beauty" of a person are those stereotypes.
However, I think God true perspective on beauty and attraction is totally different. A clue may be there, attached to dignity and value of the person, not without it.
I pray for the Holy Spirit to give us the True perspective of beauty and physical attraction, based on what he sees, so we can see it too and be fulfilled. Because a human perspective on it, would never satisfy our hearts.
Beautiful comment!
Your right and still not totally right. Its just not reality how you describe it. Beauty and attraction is a god given thing. Its nothing wrong by wanting a partner that one feels also physicaly attracted to. It is important to at least be a nit attracted to a woman or men as otherwise one would need to lie by saying to the woman shes beautiful like weman want to hear. Sure character and believe in god is more important... still if you feel zero attracted as a men to a girl or the other way then you wont even meet that person or get closer. Sure there are cases where that happened and by gods grace both got attracted to each other. But finally its still mostly i would say not like this. As is a men and womans desire to look for someone they find at least a bit attractive otherwise there will be problems in the intim area. So both is important as we are still humans that work like that.
If pornography has conditioned us to compare people to "the perfect body" , doesnt that presuppose that an such a body is a real thing men are attracted to? I see many women try to skirt around this fact by saying women of all shapes and sizes are attractive, but its simply not the case, as evidenced by what pornographic material people choose.
@@wordsoftruth_7 completely agree. Did not mean to say physical attraction was not important in reality, as it is.
Sexual tastes are extremely malleable. Research has been done showing that early sexual experiences are extremely powerful in "priming" our tastes and giving us a template of what we will be attracted to for a long time, which is why childhood sexual abuse is so devastating. With many men now, their first sexual experiences are actually with porn. Boys are being trained to think porn stars are attractive (b/c that's who they had their "sexual awakening" with). Think about that.@@Wilkins325
I married a girl that was fun but "not that pretty". I loved her and she became beautiful to me. Ironically, she divorced me because I didn't make enough money after my business failed during covid.
That's why you marry someone that's a good person too and not just fun. Fun isn't everything either
Honestly, it’s complex topic because we understand the importance of inner beauty BUT imagine being repulsed everytime the other person touches you or wants to kiss you, so, appearance seems superficial but it is very important factor, people need to stop moralizing about that
Don’t go for the beauty package, go for a more holistic approach. Do your characters match well? Do you have similar interests and values? Are your goals the same? Do you find *something* attractive in the other person without that person having to be a trophy. That thing you find attractive will radiate all the more through her qualities and her inner beauty. (Think Maria Bolkonskaya eyes in War and Peace)That’s what’s important.
What a video wow 👍
We're so glad it blessed you! Please pray for us.
But if you try to marry someone because they’re ugly, wouldn’t they be able to tell? Wouldn’t it hurt their feelings and self esteem? Wouldn’t it not respect their dignity? Wouldn’t it endanger the marriage and give satan more ways to attack it and create occasions of sin, like whether you’ll lie when they ask if you think they’re beautiful?
Thank you for your question! Christopher and his wife Wendy address more specific questions and give more detailed advice in their weekly podcast. Feel free to submit your question here: askchristopherwest.com/ask
Us ugly people also want to feel special for everything we have. As much as beautiful people love to know that you like their beauty, ugly people also madly like when you find our traits endearing and special.
I would rather be loved because of my ugliness, than despite my uglibess. Its part of me, with its meaning and purpose.
Also, while individually people can be ugly, together we make the beauty of average sum of faces of mankind.
Also, ugly girls often give birth to handsome, manly-looking sons, while beautiful girls often give birth to sissy sons.
agreed too much jawing about something which really arises organically. We do not necessarily have any control over a process of integrating "true valuer with physical attraction" and most people intuitively understand this. We also have absolutely no control over what we find sexually and physically attractive and it is unfair to man asking this question not to acknowledge this. We only can control how we react to this. If this is a young man who does not have any other compelling reason to marry i.e. family or cultural concerns, he should broaden his circle and see if he finds both. Ultimately a shared sense of ethics is the single most important thing to have in common with a mate and one can think this through as a thought exercise and this should be his guidepost if a time comes where one feels there is an obligation to marry and have children.
He should date who he thinks is pretty because that's what he values.
Interesting. Now I feel broken because I feel like I have to be physically attracted to my spouse as well. Everyone else seems to be good at looking past that. Of course fearing God and loving him more important than anything but why did God make us to be physically attracted to people if it didn’t matter?
We are all broken, but that's exactly why Jesus came. Praying for you!
Most rich guys I know don’t marry trophy wives. Plain Janes are where it’s at.
They certainly are less drama overall.
I’m pretty sure or at least hope that those rich guys are absolutely attracted to their wives
It’s true. They usually met them in school or at an industry event, as well.
When I met my husband, I didn’t find him attractive. Because he was a stranger. And I don’t feel attracted to strangers. When I got to know him, he became the most handsome man in the world.
Thank you for sharing, that's beautiful!
If you love someone their " attractiveness" grows in your eyes.. (unless, you really have absolutely NO attraction to them, and kind of "repulsed" for lack of a better term, to the idea of being intimate with them) dont always go for the 10...the average can make a beautiful spouse.
people should go for the 10, like someone that’s a 10, to them. in their eyes.
Hello! Looking for a catholic perspective on age gap relationships. I just turned 21 and I’m courting a virtuous catholic man who just turned 36. When we talk and hang out together I really don’t notice the gap and because of my Catholicism I think I’m more mature than other 21y/o women. Is the age gap an issue at all in the catholic life or is this a frivolous worldly thing?
Is he, and has he always been single?
Thank you for your question! Christopher and his wife Wendy address more specific questions and give more detailed advice in their weekly podcast. Feel free to submit your question here: askchristopherwest.com/ask We'll be praying for your discernment.
There is nothing unbiblical about having an age gap, it is just a matter of wisdom. You need to ask things such as why is he still single at this age, what is his past like and what baggage does he carry. When I was single i date a lot of older men and though I told myself at the time that there pasts didn’t bother me, deep down it really did. I was a virgin and they were not ( one had a particularly scandalous past, but was a redeemed man who had started to live a virtuous life). Even though they had changed there ways I was always insecure about their past sexual relationships. Those relationships didn’t end up working out, because the Lord had plans to bring my now husband into my life. He was a virgin too and closer to my age.
Their are many attractive things about courting with a more established man, but be honest with yourself about how you feel about certain aspects of him. Make sure he is fourth coming and honest of his past and don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions like if he struggles/d with p0rn addiction and his past relationships. Marriage is a serious thing and you want to make sure you discern well. You are young and may be mature for your age but there is always the possibility of this man thinking he can pull one over on you because you are young and naive. Not to be negative you just have to rule out that those aren’t his intentions. Very importantly make sure your family meets him and hear what they say about him. If they think there is something off about him, listen to them. It is biblical to obey your parents and you shouldn’t date someone they don’t approve of. That is a situation I myself had to experience and I am very glad I didn’t because I wouldn’t have met my husband if not!
These are all things that should be done regardless if there is an age gap, but nonetheless just be a vigilant (but not paranoid). Most of all pray to God for help discerning your relationship and that he reveals to you if the courtship should continue or progress.
God bless and well wishes in this exciting time in your life!
Great stuff! Very true! Thanks! Christ love! ❤✝️
You're so welcome! Pray for us, please!
@@TheologyoftheBodyInstitute yes! Please pray for me too!
U shouldn’t choose someone ur not attracted too , after years and years it may eat at u or u might always be wanting or tryna seek out something else that’s ‘’better’. It sounds nice on Paper to choose personality but if u want something and it’s struck deep inside in, lying to ur self is gonna always lead to a good outcome. If ur not attracted then ur not attracted. Better to not force it , plus no one wants to be with someone who doesn’t think there attractive.
Still, I'm not going to date a girl of not really attracted to her. It's just as important for a guy to have an attractive wife as it is for a woman to have a financially stable husband who can take care of the family.
I find this answer unbalanced. Simply put, both are necessary. No need to emphasize one over the other. Also, personality changes over time as well, not just looks. The whole relationship dynamic changes when kids are introduced into the family system.