The Balance Between Finding a Morally Good Partner and a Physically Attractive One
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- Опубликовано: 25 июл 2023
- Dr. Peterson delves into the complexities of finding a balance between seeking a morally good partner and a physically attractive one. He explores the dangers of jealousy, trust issues, and the damaging effects of demoralizing your partner's attractiveness.
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"One of the things that people do is take the shine off those who are shining around them so that they don't look dim in the reflected light." Unbelievable quote. Very true about human relationships in general... It takes a special and strong person to truly build up those around them.
I struggle with that, at times. 🙃
Re-framing towards primarily praising & rewarding the positives, and do less of noticing & punishing the negatives, is a huge challenge to do consistently (for me)... 🙃🤔
humans respond better to those who bring them down compared to the opposite. People develop superiority complexes if you are too nice to them, which is why being sociopathic, sly and psychopathic are effective human strategies.
@@21Kikoshi they're not effective strategies in the long-run. Perhaps if one's perspective is revolving around short-term achievements and constant manipulation, one can succeed using the dark triad traits, but it's not a great strategy for long-term success.
he didn't answer the question though- he twisted it into a different meaning
@@HowDidIGet3700Subs it's true, but to some extent the question was flawed from the beginning and was based on the idea that there is a right balance to strike between a hot and a good wife - which I don't think is the point. I don't think the two are necessarily correlated so more important than striking a good balance between the two is probably learning to keep the "Hot" component (which is also an extremely personal concept) going. Or at least that's what I get out of it.
Seeing a husband and wife in love after years together gives me so much happiness 😊
Me too!😊
i think you would be shocked that their initial interaction when they first met.
it gave me happiness too for the first 15, only now going into divorce after 20. I can't emphasize enough how marriage is the number one cause of divorce ..initiated by women by a huge margin FYI.
@@mobilemcsmarty1466 Sorry to hear. I wish you peace and healing 🙏
@@mobilemcsmarty1466 yes because women change over time physically and mentally, men stay the same. Marriage is a temporary glue to keep people long enough in order for them to have kids which is stronger glue.
Recently turned a mere 20, and while i was at work this new girl came in. My work is a social job so it’s 90% females and i find most of them very good looking.
Well when this new girl came in, we had a very short conversation and in my head while talking to her i went “she’s not that pretty”.
I go and fix some things, and she was already there fixing some things too, then she looks at me and smiles and i was awe struck, a face just full of warmth and kindness, i could immediatly tell she was a kind soul.
Some time go by and just noticing all the small details she did, put her so far from other “hot girls” who tend to be superficial. Helplessly i began falling for her and suddenly whenever she looked at me i’d blush hard trying to act like nothing.
And it just changed my whole life perspective on this thing. Hot girls are hot, but the right woman, the right soul, is in a different league.
When you know, you know. Shine your light on her my friend
Well? Then what happened? (scoots chair forward)
its very different for men in 20s than in 30s or more...the first law of attraction is how the woman looks like for us. The right soul and attractive should go hand in hand, you can't ignore looks just as you can't ignore personality
You just described how women usually fall in love. The fact that you still found her attractive after getting to know her just means that you actually do find her physically attractive in some way. You would've otherwise friendzoned her no matter how beautiful her soul is.
how pretty was she though...
I have done this to my wife. For years. Because my own addictions and issues. Your wife really is a garden. You really do reap what you sow. I sowed a LOT of junk and I got a return. Praise God he let me hit what felt like the bottom, and I now sow good seed into our marriage. And I reap it. It’s amazing. Women are heavily effected spiritually and emotionally and physically by how we as men treat them. There is a phrase “show me your wife and I’ll show you your life” and it’s so so so true. A beautiful flourishing wife, is the result of a man sowing good things into her life and tending to her as he should. As God intended us to. And as God does to us.
thank you.....seriously, thank you for this message.
🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🌷🌺🌸💐🌞 thank you for saying this! I wish all men thought this way and cared about their women so much.
Wow that was beautiful
You are totally right! If the man in your life makes you feel safe, calm and appreciated, a woman automatically gets relaxed and therefore brighter, more positive and happier. As described already she begins to flourish and wants to become a better person for the man who is giving her so much strenght and love.
That's beautiful and encouraging!
There is definitely a balance. My dad chose my mom because she showed a lot of morally good and motherly traits, but he ended up leaving my mom because he got bored of her and because she wasn't really his "type" (they didn't have many common interests). Morally good should take precedence, but you should also find them attractive enough that you're going to be willing to fight for and put in effort to keep them.
Exactly. This is why it’s important to find your partner attractive even if it’s not the conventional and also to be their “type”.
Looks gets your foot in the door but having those good partner qualities is super important. It’s sad when people choose lust over love and duty to their partner. Never choose someone who only has looks to offer and nothing else.
Nowadays the word is THEY (women) choose you. You don't choose them.
@@LegoGirl1990 of course you're right about that. Seems to me they also divorce each other. . . from time to time.
Need more than attraction because a woman in her 40's once be as attractive as you found her in your 20's... Very important to be beyond looks.
@LegoGirl1990
Thanks for that!
Holy cow - what woman would want to go through life with a guy who’d already decided in the first week that he had no right to shape the conversation???
And what guy would devote a minute of his time to a woman that he’s already decided has some immovable need to control the outcome of everything?
Ugh.
It’s really important to have both things. And you should choose someone attractive for the well being of that person too. Let’s suppose you are not attracted to your partner to the point where you don’t have much physical touch, the other person will feel rejected. We all need to feel sexy and desirable for our partner. So if you don’t think your partner is attractive you probably should let them be with someone who will. And don’t fall for “you have to choose one of the two things”, my husband is both handsome and of good moral, at least on my eyes.
Yeah, what makes someone attractive for me isn't the same for my friends. I just have to be lucky (or blessed) enough to find someone that attracts me and is also morally good.
Well spoken, and very important comment, the which I agree with very much.
Couldn't agree more. Committing this paragraph to memory for the next time I'm accused of being shallow
You never found men more handsome than your husband? That even for a little bit made you think about doing sex with them?
Agree, it's not mutually exclusive and you should strive for both. If not, morally good would probably be best long-term.
I won the lottery here. She is beautiful, intelligent filled with light and deeply moral. I am truly blessed.
"Clean the inside of the cup, and the outside shall be clean also" -Jesus
" There is nothing hidden that will not become manifest " -Jesus
If her actions aren't beautiful, she is not beautiful.
Amazing.
Now that's well said. If her actions are beautiful then she is not
I can't disagree with this, and I'm not even religious 🕊
@@mobilemcsmarty1466 lol well that's fine. If we fallow and believe His precepts... My friend, we are His.
@@hamdoolam Even if we don't believe he was divine ? I agree that Jesus said good stuff and some pretty bad stuff too. I also agree a lot with Steven Pinker, does that make me his ? Just sounds silly to me...
I love how Dr Peterson talks about humbling yourself and looking in the mirror instead of tearing the other person down. I had to learn to let go of my unrealistic expectations and apply my them to myself.
If you expect your partner to check all the attractive boxes or sought after boxes and you dont even have them, how can you expect to get the same in return? Don’t discount a potential dating partner just because they dont check off all the boxes: newsflash, most of you, like me, arent special, your average. And thats okay.
As he tears down Andrew Tate, buying the propaganda, would be the same as if Tate bought all the leftist propaganda against Jordan Peterson. Used to have so much respect for Peterson, but he is just a hypocrite.
What if you DO have them? What if you do check all the attractive boxes that you want in a partner?
Then keep looking and you will find
@@cosmingurau I know two men in my life who are good looking, military men who could get anyone. Yet, their wives are slightly above average with the best, coolest personalities. Go for personality and you'll never be bored.
@@Mint-kj9kwIf you got the looks and personality, go for all that you got too and more. Why settle for less?
I was in a long-term relationship with a great person, the kindest man of all. He never judged, always supported, helped, but never made himself inferior to me. He was still someone I respected, someone I wanted to become the father of my children. He was never my type physically though, but I fell in love with his soul. I never wanted to be that shallow person, who is all about the looks. As the years passed, he still saw me strikingly gorgeous. He wanted to be close physically and I just couldn't anymore. We went through countless methods, sexologists and psychologists. And the conclusion is this: You can't control your body, your physical responses. If you are bodily repelled, you can NOT think your way into liking it. So yea, in the relationship, full of fun, trust, mutual plans and respect...we broke up over sex. Because every person wants to be desirable for the partner, so please, don't make my mistakes, don't be with someone unless you find them initially attractive, you will just make their lives miserable and their self-esteem non-existent.
Thanks for sharing, only corroborates my inner convictions as well that you virtually spoke word for word.
Thank you; I concur with these words
Fascinating. Even though you found a genuinely good man, there was no genuine desire to sustain your attraction on your end. At least you set him free.
Interesting experience. However, it's not clear why you wanted this person to be the father of your children... but not physically attracted to him. Whereas the idea of him being the father of you children denotes a sexual attraction. I have heard people who are attracted to others spiritually and were quite clear about not crossing the line...because sincerely there was no physical attraction.
Not all love demands and leads necessarily to relationship and/or marriage.
You can't force seggsually attraction to happen. Often heteroseggsual people understand this better in the following scenario. Say two women or two men, all hetero, are buddies, comrades in the true meaning, companions. Very good friends, which is wonderful. Can they have seggs with each other, oral, penetration, massage, French kissing, making out and more and genuinely enjoy it? Would that change if they marry? The obvious answer is no. So if the person is not your seggsual type, but you're not both aseggsual, stay on the friend level. This can even be in a monogamous marriage, if both people agree up front on having a seggsless marriage. But if you don't want a seggs less marriage, choose someone you like. Then keep the attraction going even as bodies change with age. Which is a learnable skill. But you need a baseline physical attraction.
I've experienced that a partner gets more physically attractive the more you get to know the person on a deep, emotional level - it goes hand in hand. That is also a part of why i believe you shouldn't start a relationship with having sex... In some way it becomes less intimate
What do you mean it becomes less intimate?
@@thrilla72 Sex is PHYSICAL intimacy. But EMOTIONAL intimacy takes time to develop. Sex occurring early often hijacks the development of emotional intimacy.
@@toomuchinformation say that first sentence again please?
@thrilla72 They meant that it stumps the development of attractiveness, just didn't come up with perfect sentence to describe the idea at the time.
@@kresovk5 Sex stumps the development of attractiveness?
This is such a weird concept to me. I tell my wife how how attractive she is (among other things) all the time. She does the same to me. We're so committed to each other that neither of us ever get jealous. In fact, when someone tries to pick my wife up and she tells me about it, I laugh and say I'm not surprised 😂😂
I am on that side to ❤
Let me know how it goes in 10 years
Yeah, I feel like this is a total non-issue lol. You should be in love with your partner, simple as. You find them attractive and they're a good person. These are not at all mutually exclusive.
@@CBReptiles1 Remind me!
If you really are that mesmerised by her physical appearance then you're extremely fortunate. It's not really a case of having one trait or another, it's the (seemingly) impossible task of finding a partner with both
I went for a physically attractive wife, it's been nothing but a living hell. Go for a good nurturer, a partner, a lover. Go for anything other than "attractive" and life will reward you. My superficiality has ruined my and my son's life.
@GodofDisco you should not have gotten married if you don't love your wife enough to pick only her every day. You are still looking for something better, which is a horrible thing to do to a good woman who loves you.
@@GodofDisco The person who offers to help you cheat and/or will offer to cheat on their partner is not a person worth your time.
I wouldn’t say write someone off cause they’re attractive but I see a lot of ppl staying in terrible relationships just cause their partner is attractive or they have kids together. Finding someone you’re attracted to is important but also have standards and like you said, find someone with those qualities you seek.
I hope you find peace.
@@katrinaisalwayscorrectyou are right people who are married or are dating shouldn't look for better option because there is always one if things are good you should appreciate it
So she betrayed you. It's a rhetorical question and i'm sorry you had to go through that.
my grandma used to tell me: "pick a partner that is just attractive enough for you because pretty partners you never have for your own". I remember this even said 20+ years ago. I have a very attractive wife and I married the woman I did not had a crush on for her physical appearance. I had crushes at school and university for girls/women who looked STUNNING in my eyes - but being wiser now than before: you cannot be an eye level partner to a person that stuns you (makes your brain stop working) just by standing there and looking good. So my advice is this: find a partner you would like to talk to for 1 h without getting bored and you would like to look in the face for 1 h. addition: you also need to grow confidence in having an attractive partner as the risk is to go into jealousy and ruin everything.
There was an old song that said, if you want to be happy for the rest of your life never make a pretty woman your wife.
@@georgewagner7787 if pretty means supermodel attractive then I agree. it cannot be good if 95% of dudes want to bang your wife.
I was always a beautiful girl and now a beautiful women with Morales values also a Christian I find that beauty is a curse men have never loved me just wanted to use me an have sex then off they go. I am also a people pleaser no luck there either I give up now 64 and still radiate in physical appearance and men sill look at me like I'm a meal it's been a disappointing existence and lonely beautiful is a curse 😢
@@georgewagner7787 yup! Heard it in The Boys it’s such a funny song
@@sharibriggs6997 sending you love
This is the best answer to a question that didn’t actually answer the question that I’ve ever heard
There's no way one can get best of both worlds.....
In my experience, when I get smitten by someone, she turns out to be an ABSOLUTE Betch! Like her overall demeanour is so trash it's unbelievable. They are so in their heads.
Meanwhile the average ones I see have the most feminine, understanding, peaceful aura.
What I love about Jordan is that he always respects a deep question and endeavours to give the most helpful answer and pulling no punches in doing so. His wisdom and intellect are wonderful combination and he is a happily married man to a steady beautiful hearted woman who likes and loves him
Jordan,
I also did great. We have been married 14 years and together for over half our lives (both 42). Three amazing kids that are now getting a little bit older, still young but you know what I mean. At some point I had a realization just how amazing my wife is. We too set aside 2-3 nights a week as a date night, and it really does work. I mean it works. Sometimes I need to pinch myself to make sure my life is real. Honesty above all else and really, really mean it and act it. Our relationship just seems to get better on all fronts at an amazing pace. It's really something to have happen to you. Of course, we have come through some tuff times (mostly due to my needing to grow up) but we stuck it out and when you stick it out and come out stronger on the other side well that's pretty dam cool. Also, it helps that she takes very good care of herself and is very attractive, so I am not oblivious to this. But what makes that even better is that I have total trust there. It's a great position to find myself in to be so blessed. Cause I know at some point we will need this strength to deal with whatever tragic event lurks around the corner.
Good on you bro!
I would like to know when where why and how this would’ve worked for you two.
Happy for u
@@lydie6702 about 22 years ago, Massachusetts, pure luck.
Awesome keep looking after your girl
As soon as we were married at 23 years old, my husband told me I was too old and not pretty enough, etc. What an insecure, selfish jerk he was, but I didn't see it then. After he left our marriage, confessed that he was afraid that I would leave him, then divorced me, did many years later I realize how disrespectful and emotionally abusive he was.
Sorry that happened to you
yea love is a crazy drug, hope you're doing better
Is it you or him? I think its stupid woman as you are lol that missed the "toxic side" of him. Hahahaha how could you not see that? Hes a selfish jerk ? Sure and so are many women who dont feel sorry for men enough more than men feel sorry for women. Isnt the problem within you though? You chose a bad boy. And it's not you like tried helping him because he had something important in his past to fix if he divorced after marriying.
I totally understand. My ex husband never had relationships longer than 6 months and he was with me for 2 years before we got married. He said I was the most beautiful and perfect person for him. The day we signed the papers, he asked to divorce me the same night! He said I was “too good to be true” and he wanted to leave me before I left him…imagine how devastated I was! I insisted we work things out and the first year of our marriage was a disaster- he just called me ugly and fat and dumb woman every day and he completely crushed my self esteem. At last he still insisted to divorce and it took me 8 years to heal ….last year I dated this new Latino guy who made me feel so loved and confident as he praised me every day…. And only after 1.5 years did I find out he did that to every woman to hunt for sugar mammies! I feel completely betrayed and heartbroken and now I think back my last relationship made me ignore all the red flags of this current relationship as I just wanted to be loved again and I chose to believe when there were suspicions. Don’t pour money out in a relationship thinking you are selfless and willing to share - this is not generosity.
Jordan opened my ears and eyes and I hope the men I’ll encounter in the future will have access to this wisdom too.
Bless everybody here and may you all be in love with yourself and with someone who appreciates you and the importance of morals.
Whoa. Not okay.
Wow the negative remark part was exactly what my toxic ex was doing. And I can confirm the damage it had done to a person is far more than you can imagine.
Love his answer. It's a state of mind and you can CHOOSE to devalue your partner. You can also choose to up-value your partner. And what a wonderful life could lie ahead for you both then!
Crazy idea: How about thoroughly vetting a person, before "bedding" them???
Logic: If most people could be bothered to thoroughly vet their partner for traits matter; with the intent on optimizing the chances of long-term relationships... 'then', they wouldn't been to de-value or overvalue their partner later in the future.
I swear, there are too many humans who are narcissitic and disappointing (especially those who obsess over "love"/'SEX', "romantic" relationships, hyper-socializing/ promiscuousity [synonymous], etc. Case in point, too many ENXP, and 'low-functioning' ENFJ are like this, often sporting the willful 2W3 [emotional-hedonist; emotionally-volatile] enneagram and wing. "Sensor-feelers" are always the 'worst'; to an equal extent as narcissits [in all its rabid-forms] and ENTP[closet-sociopath]).
_______________
As always, XNTJ are the universal exception [💙✨] (even with cluster-b); "electrically-induced genetic-engineering" is their "spirit friend", and omni-tool technology (reverse aging/telo-mere, cluster-B 'cure', cancer-cure, and adaptive, genetic omnipotence; body and mind). XNTJ are gold; precious sentience and among humanity's most consistent best and brightest (they are invaluable components to a society and country... History, the present, as well as the future will continue to attest to this Metaphysical reality, their prominence to humanity, their potential and legacy. INTP and INFJ-males come close; MVP-enneagram: 1, 2w1, 5, and 8. Weak-enneagram ["feelers"]: 4, 2w3, and 9).
This is so true. We have the choice of up-valuing our partners.
A person’s physical appearance changes over time and sometimes an unfortunate accident might happen and the partner may become physically disabled. In the long run a good person with strong moral character outweighs everything. Of course, physical attractiveness is important too.
why is physical attractiveness important at all? Many ppl have forgotten its purpose.
I am the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Yes, I age like Ralph Macchio. You should see me so you can bow. Might even make ya spit out your chow!
In all seriousness, I think a mix is ideal. You want a partner you are attracted to, but not at the expense of personality and principles (moral or otherwise).
@@wet-read attraction is like sex they are both gimmicks for a higher purpose
People know your looks change but their is no reason not to stay healthy, fit and within the 10% of the weight you married at.
I looked for a kind hearted man who wants to have a family and is a hard worker. Looks was never on the list. However God sent me a man who had all those characteristics plus being very handsome. But before I met him I made sure I looked good, did sport and was a good woman first. Instead of looking at what I can get, I focused first on what I can give as a partner.
Amen . Blessings .
I’m just in love with how Mrs. Peterson looks at him.
Such an amazing thing when your life is by your side and supports you
What helped me was seeking an emotional, companionate connection. Trying to find someone I could call a friend but also respect and love. Passion dies down after years, but if you genuinely love and respect your partner, you will have a better chance of happiness regardless of the difficulties you face.
Passion does not die down, you must keep dating eachother and planning sex time to keep the relationship going
Thoughts;
1. Identify what is important to you,
2. establish acceptable thresholds for those areas,
3. waste no time dating anyone who doesn’t fit that criteria,
4. choose one with whom you’ll never feel like you’re “missing out” on some important area of your life.
Understand that if you have high standards, these are few. As time passes, you will be wise help her maintain her attractiveness and moral standards.
1. Identify what is ACTUALLY important to YOU and not what appeases your ego makes you feel better than others
@@MylesKillis how do you discern from the two?
@@johnd9719if you start making comparisons to others then that is likely an ego thing.
@@johnd9719 imagine you two are on an island together. Would you be happy with them there or are you more worried about what others are gonna think when you two get rescued?
@@MylesKillis Yeah but relationships don't happen on deserted islands, with only the two of you, but in a social context.
Holiness is sexy. At least to me. A good dad with his kids - oh my! Great sense of humor ... Fortunately, these describe my husband. I thank God for putting him in my life. I try not to think too deeply about it, I’m just thankful for it. 🙏❤️
Yes!!!!
I have to say that (wise) elderly men like Jordan Peterson (and of course their female counterparts) on RUclips really fulfill/supplement the role that older/wiser people within the family or tribe used to have. I say used to because it seems to have diminished in this day and age where we are less connected to the ones around us. Love you Jordan!
Good point!
It is interesting having the inverse of this as we both grew up with toxic purity culture. My wife and I are both of high moral character and she is quite beautiful - but it has been a long process for her to feel comfortable acting out in an attractive way - sometimes even dancing at home - because of the constant shame programming growing up.
Purity is a hell of a lot better than the opposite whore hedonism culture
I would pick the so called 'toxic' purity culture of your generation over the toxic degenerate culture of our generation any day. I believe any man looking for a virtuous wife in our day holds the same sentiments. It is tough. And yes, men should marry a woman for virtue above all else.
I would dare assert modern day men offer women more than ever before in regards to what they find desirable in a long term mate whereas modern women offer men less than ever before in regards to the traits we find desirable in a long term mate. Virtue and the wisdom of it being first and foremost.
it’s easier to fix that than the rampant degeneracy that is allowed these days
@@meat.As an arab woman that's not always the case dear you didn't live in purity culture to get what this person is implying at, I still follow alot of parts of purity culture but I cannot deny that there are certain things you have to reprogram or you will be screwed if u took them with you
I developed touch phobia from purity culture. Luckily I had an ex boyfriend who was very very patient with me. There are books on the subject that I've read this past year that can help. I never had any money for even doctors appointments for sickness let alone therapy. (Married another man -both virgos from our same religion)
What makes JP rare as an intellectual is that he actually has that bad boy side to him which most intellectuals miss.
Sadly, he is a grifter and a populist. He pretends to be a tough guy but in reality just another simp who has traditional wife, who has dysfunctional attention-seeking daughter, and who is on dangerous prescription drugs. In other words he is a total mess. And a bullshitter
He is an honest male.
Intellectual? BAD BOY?!?
@@leaf842cope
loll this comment is so funny
My wife was attractive and after dating 3 years we married and built a family. She betrayed me and gave her body to another man on a whim. I saw the red flags before i decided to build a life and family with her and ignored them. I paid the price.
Im sorry that happened too you, and this may be odd as a questipn but Im curiose, so if your comfortable with answering, Id like too ask would you say that your marriage choice was the worst decision of your life?
@@genericascanbe3728 No. The worst choice was how i handled the infidelity. The marriage gave me children that i adore. I stayed in the marriage for my young daughters. I wasn't going to share my children with a poor choice of a new boyfriend/husband of my wife's Choosing. Her judgment in men other than myself was concerning. It's a long-complicated story but she has her mind right.
@@PJHEATERMAN Well, Im glad things are better for you and your kids now. Thank you for answering my question.
What were the red flags?
"gave her body to another man on a whim" sounds pretty gross. Gee I wonder if your religious.
This is a question i have asked myself many times.
I believe that in the final analysis, a morally good partner is what should take priority. Because besides, you won't know how that person will look like after ten years, especially not thirty. So if you do it for the looks lets say, you will only hurt yourself by choosing the short term satisfaction pathway. But someone with a good moral compass can almost only change for the better. And a morally just person is less likely to betray you, whatever that may mean within the confines of the relationship ofcourse.
The reason i asked myself this question is because i befriended two people, the first one looks like heaven but has a heart of stone. And the other i don't fancy that much when it comes to look, but you couldn't wish for a better friend. So i asked myself this: if ever, who would i want to spend my life with.
I've asked this too I had a very very good looking woman offer me an affair and said she'd marry me too, I turned her down on both fronts. I chose the morally good wife so I have to live up to that standard too, she's pretty as well but someone even hotter/younger came along. I imagine that always happens and so if you marry for looks you're just gonna be constantly trading in for new models so I think it's both morally better for everyone and better for your soul in the long run to choose the morally good wife from the jump so you can stay with the same person forever, if you're built on a deeper foundation (and I know God too which helped) then that's gonna pay off dividends in terms of staying faithful too.
Spend your life with somebody who inspires you to be a better person, understands the value of teamwork and has a good smile. If she happens to be smoking hot, congratulations bro 🤜🤛
If a beautiful woman takes care of herself, and if you take care of her too, she will be beautiful throughout her 60s and possibly further on. That's a huge chunk of life spent with a beautiful woman. In contrast, if you marry a homely woman, you don't spend a single day with a woman you find objectively attractive. I have no idea why anyone would decide on the latter.
Yes in theory a morally good partner etc. BUT . . . No matter how good to start with, the human heart is PREDATORY. If an opportunity comes along that seems worth the risk a so called " Morally Good " person may give in to temptation like any other soul would. The bible says to avoid ALL OF THAT . . . seek not a wife.
@@piehound Incorrect. Scripture teaches that if you walk by the spirit you will not gratify the desires of the flesh, there are many of us real Christians who have encountered such temptations & resisted.
This triggered a memory, one evening my ex husband and I were out and just had dinner, these two young beautiful girls told him he was lucky to have me and he was pissed and didn't say a word to them. I was hurt but later figured out he was jealous, sick. Needless to say the marriage didn't last.
Good Q+A. There's 2 parts to consider. First are you fit, are you healthy, are you well rested -- if no, fix you first. Most people could agree that few things are as sexy as just being fit. The second is your imagination; can you see being playful as a couple scooting around the dining table after married 30yrs -- if no, again fix you first, because you don't know (or haven't witnessed) of any good long term relationships.
Remember the saying, a good lover isn't a man loving lots of women ... a great lover is a man loving the same woman over a lifetime.
Uhm. Am I the only one that understood the question, as how do you choose a future wife who is balanced between morally good and hot? "He started off by saying he did pretty good, but then changed the answer to keeping the balance in an already consensual relationship. I think for the younger men who are still dating, the pitfalls of hot vs good is a real challenge. Those of us who survived that warzone and ended up in loving/sexy/rewarding relationship can tell you horror stories of the failed attempts. I always remember the one episode of HIMYM where Barney explained the crazy hot scale. That to was pretty accurate 😂
Makes me remember when a friend recommended HIMYM to me just so I could get ideas on how to get a woman. 😅
yes you are right. I was expecting him to answer the question rather going into the other topic, but I liked it anyways 😂
I think he answered the questions with "wrong", as in the question itself is wrong. The topics he goes into instead of answering it are all pitfalls that you might fall into if your thinking about how pretty the other person is.
Basically, instead of answering the question, he answered the motivation to the question. And that answer eliminated the need to ask the question.
It's because the question asked wasn't worth answering. JP answered the question that the audience member should have asked.
If you don't understand why it's the more important question to answer, you will in 20-40 years.
He did not answer the question.
There are morally hot wives inside and out. Our beauty shows in our lovingkindness for others, humility, compassion, and confidence in being ourselves. Service to our children and family. Putting others first and serving God. Thank you Jordan ✝️❤️
Bro said ‘our’ 💀😮💨
Jk no hate praise Christ
My girlfriend of 7 years has become more attractive to me the more i get to know her. ❤
Well, that’s cringe.
@@Polimuni Wabi Sabi ✝️🙏🏻
Serving the mythical beings in your socially endorsed mythology doesn't make you morally righteous. There have been countless religions in human history, yet somehow your religion is the absolute right one.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is *Victoria Lee hess*, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
@@DavidVelasquez9read "the rational male"
Attractiveness is subjective, because it depends on who is looking at whom. In my 4th long term relationship, I would now say that the most important are intelligence, character (and not be physically repulsive). If your characters are compatible, you might be able to create the right complicity, which is a kind of spiritual attraction, then physical attraction and hotness will emerge as natural consequences.
Yeah that's very unrealistic.
@@pocnit Talk for yourself. From my experience, a beautiful/hot woman with the "wrong" character will leave me cold...
@@leonora1472 It's not so much that a beautiful woman with the "wrong" character won't leave you cold, it's more that an ugly woman with the "right" character won't make you warm either.
@pocnit Without talking about extremes, I've dealt with both situations you describe, especially the hot woman with the "wrong" character, and I'm not keen in repeating. This said, you didn't read attentively my first comment: if you find a person physically repulsive, there's little chance her/his wonderful character makes a real difference...
lol
The way it is, is that physical attractiveness is but one part of the puzzle. There are innumerate things which make up the profile of an ‘attractive’ person. Physicality is one component of that; an important one. The way I’ve always described it to people is like ‘passing a test’. If the test itself is what truly matters, then it doesn’t matter by what margin you pass it; either you find someone physically attractive, or you don’t. Once the results of that criteria have been established, it matters not by what margin. We can simply move on to the more significant things about a person and let our love and understanding for them deepen and grow.
There's definitely some significant implications to by what margin they pass this test. A good example on the higher end of the spectrum is when a guy (in this case) gets suddenly very insecure because of the impression that his girl is "out of his league" a trait that was of course within him already but lay dormant under most circumstances
Very well said. I'm gonna use that
If you are not attractive yourself, finding someone as such will be almost impossible. Men generally date down the hierarchy for the perceived security.
@@Bucephalus84 I agree with nearly everything you said, up to that final explanation of "why."
At the fundamental level, that isn't why men "date down." First, it isn't very often a conscious thing, and it isn't the men that are the catalyst for the phenomenon. It is women would aren't content unless they have satisfied their "hypergamous doubt." Men, on the other hand, would be plenty satisfied dating up, across, or down...but there is an intuition that there isn't the right balance unless they date down because this typically allows for the greatest likelihood that BOTH partners are satisfied.
Men don't date down for the purpose of security; they date down (most often) because that is the dynamic that yields the best sense of reciprocity and mutual respect. (And in fairness to your comment, reciprocity and mutual respect certainly are relevant with regard to security.) But they do this organically, without calculating any insecurity based risks.
Or to oversimplify this:
Men date down, but they don't TRY to date down.
Women date up, and they absolutely TRY to date up.
One of those groups creates the phenomenon, and one of those groups responds to the phenomenon.
@@colasfalon6470 You're not disagreeing with him, rather you're explaining what he is referring to by "perceived security".
Hit the nail on the head, and explained what used to happen to me in relationships. Thank you for explaining this.
I am so happy I came across this video. Jordan explained this so well. I am constantly in this dilema. I have such a hard time finding a partner who is attractive in my eyes and morally good at the same time.I usually encounter those who are morally good but I am not attracted to them at all and as a result I have let 4 of my last parters go. I am honestly getting exhausted. Going forward I told myself that I will not spend time with someone and get to know them unless i find them attractive . When I say attractive i am talking about a combination of looks and energy.
Attractiveness draws you to your spouse when you first meet.
A lengthy courtship allows you to discover more of what she or he is like. As long as you don’t engage in pre-marital sex, appearances and list might not overpower your thinking.
Once married, you have to learn to live with your choice.
We rush into sex, marriage and divorce faster than we order from a menu.
true, so true
You’re right
......you speak to minds an hearts in an unmatchable way....! Brilliant.
I wish I knew all of these earlier...... Have learned the hard way. Hearing you is a balm. Thank you, Jordan!
Always, so entertaining and mindful. Lovely!
I really like and appreciate the talks with your family numbers.
The two of you and anyone in the back ground are excellent thank you and God bless and keep you all
Such a beautiful answer
She’s both in my eyes and that’s all that matters 😊
My ex did this to me. I am very pretty, or so I've been told my whole life.... I just so happen to be more moral then most and don't sleep around and just want a man who is secure enough to see that I would never cheat or hurt him.... but they all make me feel ugly by rejecting me sexually or like Jordan said, not complimenting me or saying I look beautiful when I try. It's so sad to me and it's more about people's insecurities then me I'm starting to realize. It took me years ro get over how little and ugly my ex made me feel. But I won't dim down anymore. I know who I am and if I guy can't handle it and make sure he is secure and believes me that he's my world then that's on him. They all go for lesser and that's ok. Everyone needs what the need. I am not for the weak. But I know I am loyal and won't change that.
I can totally relate to this. I have been in several relationships where the guy I was dating would put me down and try to make me feel lesser so that I wouldn’t stray. It’s horrible when the person who is supposed to love you the most is the one constantly trying to put you down.
My mother was constantly praised for her looks, my father even married her for that reason.
The problem is that she value herself based on her looks, and she has lived quite a hard life (alcoholism and excessive sunning without sunscreen) she doesn't recognise herself now at an older age, with the way she looks, and she's still excessively hung up with herself regarding that.
So looks are deceiving.
I find that good people grow more and more attractive to me, as their pure heart shines brighter and brighter, the more I get to know them.
And all in all, the way someone makes you feel in their presence, will also color how beautiful you find them.
“Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.”
PROVERBS 11:22
As a Christian I love that you brought up Proverbs and it really is true!
@@Brian6587 Yeah people forget about this book, even Christians!
Sometimes I wished he’d answer the bloody question 😂❤
Saying that, Peterson is one of the most important wise uncle I’ve got. Even though I’ve never met him, he is very important to me.
I think the answer is you can have both if you encourage her to be attractive and work on yourself to be attractive.
@@EtoGmajor
Many women do not care if their husband is attracted to them. They do not value their romantic part of marriage. Funny enough these are the same women that complain about their men not being "romantic" and at the same time they don't care to turn their man on.
There is no point in mentioning anything to a woman like that after hearing it a few times.
My wife told me multiple times: "why would women do anything for men?" when talking about appearance. She meant that women do need to do anything to make their men attracted to them.
Needless to say, I enjoy spending time by myself recently.
I’ve had guys try to play me down when I know I’m shining and I just say “ oh stop your play acting, you know I look hot and you’re crazy about me” . His jaw dropped and he turned white.
I recognize those insecurity traits right away on a guy, and I drop him right away. Too bad for him, he should have been nicer.
By the way, I’m also nurturing, a great home maker, cook and a strong partner . You better compliment her, take my advice .
When our first impression of a person is visual, we value that highly, because that's all we have. The more time we spend with someone, if we have any sense, the more we value their personality and character.
I have found both. Extremely attracted to her and she is the best person I have ever met.
This is such a good question. God bless whoever asked it.
I've been waiting for the answer to THIS QUESTION for 25 years.. thank you 😊😅
Attractiveness is super subjective. For some, whether physically beautiful/handsome or more 'regular joe' variety, individuals quickly become ugly if they're full of themselves or think they're better than you. To me anyway - that's a massive turnoff and can truly sour your perception of another person.
lol
Brilliant! As usual JP. I'll Keep you in my morning prayers :)
This video literally saved my marriage this week! It specified my problem exactly, I took action and it all went well, you don't have to do much, make a few steps towards your loved one.
AMAZING INSIGHT! WISE MAN!
Dr Peterson, you did do great. We can all tell that you live what you preach
Trust me, looks get old, you could be marrying the most beautiful looking women in the world, and by 3 years you could be used to it. Man can get used to anything. You want a friend that you can confide with.
Asking the real questions
Thank you Jordan Peterson for that wonderful insight
This speaks to something I've never heard actually articulated before than you once again Jordan
It’s not a balance. I find her goodness, kind-heartedness, beautiful soul, and extremely considerate and patient nature extremely attractive.
This is one of the deepest, most enlightening commentary on attraction that a young man can hear. Thank you JP and your wife, great question too.
Can’t wait to watch this later
Proverbs 31 verses 10 through 12 helps to clarify how to find a good woman. So first select for a woman that you feel is attractive enough to keep your interest even when arguments happen, and then from among that group choose best fits the suggestions in Proverbs.
😮😮😮😮😮lp
Fascinating take on the matter,brutal and true.You can really hurt someone you love through indifference and bitterness. We are all capable of killing each others soul.
I am so grateful ❤
Love everything about this
When you find a great partner, then do tell when they are looking wonderful to you. To reinforce the good thing in a good way, so it happens more.
This is the dynamic the JP describes in this video. First he explains the trap of how insecure people rather steal the shine of others, as very often happens because so many people are insecure. Esther Perel mentions this also as one of the main relationship killers: constant devaluation of your partner and constant bickering. Then JP explains how to do it in a positive manner that reinforces the shine of your partner. This requires oneself being sufficiently secure. In essence the OR question was the wrong question and JP saw through this. It's an AND question, atractive to you and morally compatible in a healthy way, both integrated.
Which can take a lot of work of unlearning, when raised in a culture that puts it as an OR false dilemma.
Best comment here. The question was too binary, but reflective of a left brain dominated culture.
Wise wisdom. This is my hell.
Such a brilliant mind!
The way she looks at him when he speaks....Love, and admiration. His qualities are what truly attract a woman❤
Jordan petersons books should be a part of school syllabus. Future generations would benefit so much
Being attractive and morally good is not mutually excluded. However insecure people, unaware of their insecurities, meaning - they perceive their partner as someone who will eventually leave them, these people are most likely to sabotage all the divine blessings soon or later. So if you are insecure, and capable of knowing when it happens, you are capable of dissolving it without loosing everything that might not come around again. How do I know she is good, look how she dances, all alone, happy, beautiful, sexy, she just smiled at someone who is not me… Do you want love? Trust you are capable of loving. Otherwise you will only get some twisted imitation of it, that ends.
To well crafted questions !
Except it wasn't.
*"One of the things that people do is Take the Shine Off those who are shining around them, so that they don't look Dim in the reflected light."*
Love it.
While there is an objective standard of beauty...beauty is also many times in the eye of the beholder... Just saying.
really is a good question..
Brilliant!!!!
I choose a spiritual, emotional, energetic, Co creative and physical partner by first looking into the mirror and ensuring I stand on my own feet fully complete. They will arrive, in the meantime I perfect and love myself and find the security and solace in my own heart cultivating the fullness to share with another divine one. I seek no one to complete me. I seek one to share and grow with, mutually exploring the fullness of our rich potentials of infinity
It’s important to lift each other up in a relationship. What can you do to help your partner become the best version of themselves? Because if you don’t then you risk someone else doing that for you, when you are the one they should have gotten it from in the first place. Remember you’re on the same team.
LOVE IT!
Mechanically and magically well said
Important and challenge questions and conversations. I think this is angles down to powers and problems of Luster & Lust.
We want to keep the Luster for our love, but we don’t want the Lust to attract others whom would steal the light of our life.
For me it was very helpful to differentiate between beautiful or hot and attractive. We are trained by media to rate people's looks in comparison to others and anticipate how others would rate us and our partner. But it is all about you and your sensations. There are a lot of people who you can feel very attracted to, even if they might look pretty average to many other people. So go for someone who has a golden heart and is your type.
Thank you, 💯...
He did great❤
Ultimately, beauty, sexiness etc are less important; a partner you love, trust, respect and whose company you enjoy are the most important factors.
Very smart. He is issuing a warning against relationships where there is a clear mismatch in attractiveness. We all have the capacity for jealousy, so there is a devilish payment one must make when involving oneself in a misbalanced relationship. A payment most don't have the heart for; as a result the misbalance will hurt either one or both parties. It is wise to know your match.
Ido so enjoy your remarks you do talk such sense
Ly wilkins😊
" One of the things that people do Is take the shine off those who are shining around them so that they don’t look dim in the reflected light. " - Jordan Peterson
I grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints in Utah, and the culture growing up was very much “beauty’s on the inside,” “she’s such a sweet spirit,” “looks shouldn’t matter that much.” I remember my father, who really was a genius in many respects, telling me after a youth activity (where we talked about dating and the proper limits for it while still in high school) “You really do need to be attracted to your wife. They can say all they want about beauty being skin deep, but you should make sexual attraction a high priority when the time comes.” I think he knew I was smart enough to find someone with good morals, and I married someone in the church (although she grew up an agnostic in Maine, not sheltered like me lol), but boy was he right. My parents were married for almost 26 years when my dad died (cancer), and I’ve been married almost 10, and I have friends who definitely “settled” for a partner they found less attractive, and now they’re divorced. On the other end, I’ve had friends who married solely based on attractiveness, without seeming to care about who they really were, and they’re also divorced.
I think looking in places where you’ll only find morally good women, or those striving to be moral (so basically churches), and then finding someone with whom you have a genuine sexual attraction both ways, is probably the best advice I’d give to anyone wanting to get married right now.
Thanks
From this session, i learned that i have to unlearn everything my mother taught me about women, and lastly this is the reason why i don't want a relationship cause it's tooooo unstable, then people say no, u control how stable it is, oh you mean manipulate her and become a drug to her? Yea... i'm good this life is seeming so disgusting.
Yes i love it, i love train my body weight lifting, calisthenics, cardio exercises etc i really really enjoy it
I’ve experienced this. He’s not lying when he says they’ll turn around and call you a “fat bitch” when you let yourself go. Then when you remember who TF you are; they’ll turn around and say, “you’re on your high horse”
0:25 shout-out to that legend in the audience, lol.