What is Dry Begging?
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- Опубликовано: 13 окт 2024
- Dry Begging is a subtle form of manipulation and coercion sometimes employed by narcissistic people to get them what they want, while making it seem like it’s your idea.
Rather than just making a request it works by exploiting social cues and emotional signals. It usually involves dropping hints or making emotional demonstrations aimed at creating a sense of obligation in others. Narcissists try to create a situation where the other person feels compelled to offer assistance or resources.
This video outlines the motivations behind dry begging,, gives examples and some ways to handle it.
#drybegging #coercivecontrol #narcissism
This is absolutely true. They're never direct. Thank you for the term.
I have totally seen this in action with my narc mother and sister. I didn't know it had a name. I usually just pretend like I didn't hear them or just ignore the "hints". But because they do this they also think that everyone does it. For instance I was once said to my Mom, "I need to water my plants" and she said "I'll do it later". I did not want or need her to water my plants, I was just making a statement. Sheesh. Very annoying. Thank you for your very informative videos.
Thank you for finally putting a name on another repulsive narcissistic trait.
It's interesting how they suddenly disappear when you address it directly and say no. After professing they'd never dream of asking for anything, of course.
This is what my younger son did to me for years, until I had to withdraw my financial aid. Then he moved to being angry and condescending with me, until I stopped enduring that too. His stance is that I always gave his brother "anything he wanted." Not true. For now, and maybe for the rest of my life, he's quit speaking to me at all. This is saddening but is more peaceful than what I was going through.
Never separated from mother & it’s too late to become an adult now ❤️🩹
Well done you.
Stay true to yourself here.
The label of "son" confers an onus on you to have to behave a certain way...but at the end of the day, when you remove the onerous label, your son is just another human being who mistreats other by using emotional manipulation...and you don't need someone like that in your life, irrespective of who they are.
New term for something I have seen. Mom was especially good at this. It fit so perfectly with her expectation that we would, should, read her mind. And comply. Sigh.
Sir, Thank You for this. And I don't make light of this subject but truly when you said "and the cat may starve." I fell out of my seat. My SIL went through a spell where I truly believed that at any moment she would resort to just sending everyone in the family a bill for existing.
First laugh o' the day, my God, thank you.🤣
Wow. This was my dad. I always knew the implications of his speech patterns, but it's like he was speaking in code and I was the interpreter and code breaker for others. One retort of his: "you know what I mean." Self-sufficient persona meets shameful vulnerability. It's really hard to understand how this "works". Loads of narc supply by playing the game 20 questions.
Fascinating topic.
This channel manifests a remarkable depth of experience with these topics, for such a young fellow.
I hadn't heard the term before, and regarded what I now understand it means as just a form of playing the victim, the goal of which can be material or non-material.
Observe don't absorb. Brilliant. Thank you.
So that's what it's called
I see this on social media. I never knew this was what it was called. Where I see it, I have wondered why the family doesn’t help. I now understand that the family is tired of the constant demands. Whenever my neice has done this “oh, my kids would love (whatever it is) but we can’t afford it.” My daughter would text me and wanted to send money. I told my daughter that her cousin is poking at the husband’s family. Sure enough, two days later is a photo of the kids playing with whatever.
I’ve been through this with 5 neighbors, to varying degrees. Sometimes very minimal, like a met one time suggestion. Other times, the dry begging will turn into a full-on smear campaign, because I’ve seen how they operate and I do anything from feign ignorance, to disappear, to actually end up calling the police, because they can become quite determined that you’re going to do what they want, no matter how innocent it may appear. This also comes in the form of love bombing actually. A way of making you feel you’re everything from their plumber to their healer. I know that sounds crazy and a stretch. But, you should meet the family living downstairs now. It’s only quiet now, because I used scarcity to create a boundary and because working to obligate me has backfired for them. So, they may feel I’ve recognized that they would treat me as a healer, plumber, superintendent, nanny. But that nothing has shifted. Just another situation of shining light in someone’s intent and actions, that they’d much rather be insidious and, as Darren says, makes it look like it was either your idea or you volunteered.
It should be noted, as per 2 past neighbors I had, this isn’t limited to simply a social, psychological situation. But a financial and, perhaps, legal one. I’m not a lawyer and don’t know the laws. But, my impression is that dry begging is also used to obtain free babysitting and especially nursing care or caregiving. From what I experienced twice, it is to make it “appear” to be a bestie situation, when you’re actually being coerced into that which they a cannot afford or die not EIOT anyone for and to dodge labor laws. Done nicely enough, you don’t know what you’re getting into, they appeal to your sense of empathy, even may depend upon your “social standing” in your eyes and the eyes of others, but are every bit aware they are predating you. However, if you cooperate, they are guilty of nothing, but accepting your kindness and goodwill, although that will often evolve into your energy, time and financial resources, being absolutely sapped.
Another great video
I work with someone like this in a charity group and it’s pathetic. In the beginning, of course I fell for it but now I’m totally onto her since I’ve learned about narcissistic personality disorder. These people are despicable. “I’m just gonna have to quit and close this charity down if we don’t get more donations” translation will you make a donation, pleaseI don’t wanna ask you but if I whine long enough about closing the charity down then maybe you’ll capitulate.
Excellent video! I had never heard the term before.
I've been there before prior to my codependency recovery. I was helping a lot of people out who could do for themselves.
Unfortunately I think this is me. I'm not a narcissist, but I've never been taught to directly ask for anything. I'm really not consciously trying to manipulate anyone, this is just a habit I've picked up from my mother and that asking directly for anything should make me feel deeply ashamed.
You are self-aware. I wish you luck in trying to getting better!
My oldest son does this as well, and he is not a narcissist
Not a narcissist but just learned behavior 😉
Narcissist behavior is learned bad behavior. Take this manipulation to the next step. How do you behave when told no. What is the next level of manipulation going to be. From the narcissist. It’s like a dance
In my life a parent and sibling both have done this my whole life. One has passed away, the other I have gone no contact with. The part of me that feels like I am the bad guy for going no contact, to me it still feels like a catastrophic mess, but thank you for putting a term for what it is I am avoiding by keeping to my decision. I never did understand why my sibling wouldn't just ask me for what is needed, not having some long con or convoluted story when they could just say "I need twenty bucks". My parent never made sense to me why they had to con their kid into stuff, and one thing I've figured out is that it's kind of too bad for them they brought me up with poor ability to pick up their social cues (or anyone else's). I probably would have been bankrupt.
Oh yes!!
My nex did that .
A former "friend " did it. But once she used the phrase "I've planted the seed ...."
Then I knew.
Bang on Darren.
Brilliantly insightful as always.
Another interpretation could be that a person wants to ask a favor, but feels uncomfortable, so may ask tacitly. My major gripe with psychology is that a specific observable action may have different intents, even contradictory ones.
It’s still manipulation
Sounds VERY familiar - they stay in perpetual "victim mode" , and are *always* at the ready to receive one hand-out/favor after another 🤑
Ah! Flash of insight! That's one way to always get us to be wrong.
Always hint, then Gotcha! when wrong!
Even when caught absolutely playing this.
Like, one Thanksgiving mom was alone. Brother and sister in law took her a perfect Thanksgiving meal, for one. Roasted game hen, veggies, small pie, the works, in miniature. She acted blown away, in tears of appreciation. A few minutes later was disdainful of the mock turkey and small portions, no leftovers you see, but that's probably all to the good...
Remember, leftovers from a much bigger meal would have set her off like a rocket.
Sigh some more
self-empathy can be confused with self-pitty...I can't stand people who use self-pitty to guilt trip me to do something for them... Darren, I just can't understand why so many mental health helpers instill this in their clients/patients? they don't know the consequences can lead to entitlement? OKay, I'll try this out.
Only people with no boundaries get taken in by this crap.
When I was getting out of a relationship with a narc a few years ago, I saw this and just said No, sorry. He wanted me to lend him money. His response made me laugh out loud when he said, " that's the last time I ever ask you to lend me money!" Aa if ge was doing me the honour of lending him money. Still makes me smile 20 years later
There's another word for it, HO TACTICS.
well I hate to say it but I actually use some of these techniques to "handle" the narcissist 😁
One of the voices in my head does this.
Salesmanship?
Coercion can’t happen in a passive aggressive way. If it’s not an overt request it can’t be coercion.
Not strictly so. Look up meaning, eg could be physical.
Also, coercive control is a new term that blurs over into more subtle methods.