I hope this episode serves as an important reminder for you to start putting yourself first. Drop a like and let me know what else you’d like to see discussed on future episodes in the comments!
Morning Mel. I feel very stupid for asking. I'm from South Africa, I am very anxious about messaging you, but I am obsessed with the let them theory, having depression for years. l am a teacher, and I would like to know if I disagree with my boss/management etc., even if it is about another younger teacher for example. Do I speak up or do I let them. It will open a can of words but I am not sure when to use the let them theory if you have a strong opinion or feeling. Do I step back and stay out of it (let them) ?
Having personal boundaries is what I was never taught. Always surrounded by criticism, of course I became a people pleaser. When I finally learned boundaries and started saying what is really on my mind, not just going along no matter what, the realization came to me as a total shock. I just could not believe how unaware I was, never even knew this boundaries thing exist. I just perceived people with boundaries as cold, egoistical and selfish. I can see now how I was wrong. The realization brought so much personal empowerment, self-respect and not giving a shit. I really don't care if there are others who see me as such, because I know I am not like that, I just have my set of rules when it comes to a relationship. And also, those people who were in my life for my peoplepleasing, were extremely angered once I changed and they just left. And to be honest, it gave me a huge relief, like suddenly I am free.
YESSS!!! Good riddance to those leeches who masqueraded for too long as friends. Becoming self aware and empowering yourself with healthier behaviors, boundaries, and self love is life changing.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It's liberating to hear others experience similar ordeals. Bottom line, standing up for ourselves is necessary for our well being.
The more self love I build the more I lose people. Still have guilt but I realize they were benefiting from me not loving myself and not saying No. 👋🏻 ✌🏻
Do you live around a lot of family, or a large friends group? Family and friends are a strong energy, often supportive, tribal for good and not-so-good. Generally they rebel if they perceive your actions as striking out on your own, walking your own path. That is a generalization, of course, I say again - not true in every case. Good energy with you loving yourself, that's important, really vital. Onward!
That is a bummer that you've lose people, but it is really good to build up love for yourself. That is important. It's important to put yourself first. Eventually I think you will attract people who respect you for that.
The word no is a beautiful and powerful word. It sets boundaries and it shows that you have self respect. Say no when you don’t want to do something and don’t feel bad about it. You don’t have to explain yourself when you say no.
I heard Dr Phil say once " don't complain about what you tolerate" it's a good saying,makes me aware when you straight getting into that cycle of going around and around!
I have one thing to add to this--when you say no, don't explain. Do not say, "No, because I'm.... tired, broke, not into it..." etc. If you give a reason you feel like you need to soften the why, you feel guilty, you also give them something to flip back on you. "oh no, it's going to be so much fun..you'll wake up.. don't worry about the money, i'll buy.. " Imagine the cashier asking if you want a credit card. If you say *anything--they have a retort ready. So, if you just say, "no thank you" it leaves them no room to reply. They don't know what to do with it and you don't have to defend your decision. Just be polite and say, "no thank you."
Thank you for this podcast on people pleasing. I am 72 years old and have bone cancer. I am currently in remission, but I will need to continue doing chemo for the rest of my life. The members of my family that I have and a few of my friends now avoid me because they do not understand what I need to. Even though it is painful to be rejected, I still have to take care of myself. My step-son does not talk to me at all because I would not quit treatments, move to where he lives, and take care of him because he was dealing with health problems. He is 43 years old. I suggested he talk with his father or his mother to get some help. Cancer has taught me to put me first, to set boundaries with my family, and to deal with their anger because I am unable to be available to people please them. It took a while, but my brother finally accepted my illness and even drove me to my treatments.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. 1st may I say I wish you all the best of Health and for Continuing Treatment. You are doing exactly what Mel is trying to explain to other people, and I applaud you for that. You handled the situation with your stepson perfectly and did not cave into his selfish needs. 🥰
@@BettyWilchek Well-said, Betty and I agree. lindaaugusta, I definitely sympathize with your situation , but am very glad you are putting yourself first. As Betty said, I wish you all the best of health, also. You definitely matter and are very important, too. I hope you recover well and live happy the rest of your days :)
It took me fifty years to learn to say no without losing sleep and avoiding discomfort. The level of discomfort I felt growing up was unhealthy and continued through my adult life. The physical discomfort is real. Thank you, Mel.
We all need to grow and be ok with being uncomfortable. Setting boundaries is hard, but we have to PRACTICE it to be able to do it. Straight up: in less the 50 years most of us here today, 30 or older, will be dead. If you are going to have a good life you HAVE TO lean i to and practice setting boundaries, say no, and learn to be a little uncomfortable. Because its worth it❤❤❤
I agree, generally, but somebody [an individual] usually drives it. If you push back against manipulation and refuse to succumb to guilt, your reward is freedom and self-determination. The family members who are on your side will stay connected with you [and possibly learn from you]! Good energy with your struggle.
Man it took me one lousy relationship for several years to see how I'm manipulated by my own family, and what's even more heartbreaking my mother being the 2 worse. Now, when I say no, or speak my mind they say I'm drunk, or I'm an alcoholic I should stop drinking... Well I have and still they say the same thing to me and others. Unfortunately the only thing is to leave their lives, so you can get on with yours. But, it sure did help me knowing that several years of a bad relationship was led by me not being able to say no my whole life. So, I now no guilt and no alcohol, and no family, but I'm grateful for my new family that brings me joy.
Mine was the same. Each time I say no to something I don't feel comfortable doing, my family members will say oh; "you want us to beg you? Who do you think you are to say no? I won't do anything for you if you need my help." ( not like they ever did anything for me). Coming from a JW household where I was constantly taught to put the interest of others ahead of mine. Saying "NO" to someone was tagged as being rebellious. I was constantly guilt tripped into doing things that I naturally won't do. I became a human pleaser, just for peace sake. Now I'm becoming firm in setting boundaries and saying no. At first they were aggressive and calling me selfish, but now behind my back they're saying; "oh she getting wiser."
HOW do you always have the perfect podcast for what's going on in my life at the very moment it airs! Realizing it's about being uncomfortable with disappointing people, even at the expense of harming myself, hit me like a ton of bricks. Wow. I think I'm going to let myself disappoint some folks.
You don't know how this helped me... I said no to a great person for whom I have much affection but I just could not take his advice and said so... fortunately he understood...and he's still coming to dinner tonight ❤
Over time, have learnt to say No and am not sorry about it. Am at peace knowing that i don't have to do anything that is way out of my budget or schedule. ❤
Thank you Mel! It’s so true that stating your needs will make others unhappy or even angry. Be brave and stick by what is important to you! Their disapproval only speaks of their character, not you!❤
She is right…accept if the person is a narcissist, they don’t tend to forgive. But I learned to say “no” thoughtfully, with my dignity intact, even to a narcissist. I just kept looking forward and found kind hearted people that did show up in my life for the better. My narcissistic dad, unfortunately, never really forgave me. I still developed a great life, he still hurt others deeply, but I was no longer a target and found my freedom from saying “no” thank you. High Five ❤
Do you know what Mel? After this podcast, I don’t even need the “pause “ moment. I’m going straight into “No thank you” Wow, what a lesson you’ve just given me. I feel so much stronger, I will not even feel the guilt! If I do, I know now, that’s not a bad thing! Thank you for this amazing therapy. I feel I’ve just grown up by about 20 years! You are the best! 👏👏👏👏🌺🥰
That episode was a mind blowing for me 🤯 We are people pleasers because of our inability to take the discomfort of making other people upset. 🤯🤯🤯. Wow! Thank you Mel! Hi five to you Queen ❤
“ Hey, it’s your friend, Mel.” I don’t know how you came up with that intro, but I love it! It’s catchy, and it somehow makes me feel like you care, even though you don’t even know I exist. LOL Thanks for doing what you do, Mel! I love listening to your podcasts. ❤️
This is interesting to me, because my lived experience with people who were abusive was that if I displeased them, they DIDN'T actually still love me AND the consequence of not pleasing them was more abuse. As an aside, I was unable to leave the situations at the time (I was a child when I was experiencing this from one of the abusive people).
I’ve been learning things about myself for quite some time and practicing saying no, and feeling ok about it. It’s really hard because I feel like the bad guy. Another thing I notice is that I avoid people if I’ve had my mind made up about doing what I want for the day (ie walks, spending time outside, going to stores by myself) because I’m afraid I’ll get asked something that I feel I can’t say no to 😅 but getting better. 😊
I spend a lot of time reassuring people (especially my adult children) that if I ask them to do something and they don't want to, I'm completely ok with hearing no. I want people to feel like I am a safe person to say what they actually feel to me. I might be sad that you said no but I would be more sad if you did what I asked simply because you were afraid to say no.
Sometimes people have to be disappointed...I know someone who gives things as control...then also takes them back! I stopped playing the game, they don't give up easily. You can love them...but you have to be constantly aware. This can be a real problem, but , I'm as valuable as anyone . I don't argue or over explain. How this makes me feel is like a breath of fresh air....most of all in this I trust God to free me ( and teach me ) new thing's and to truly be free 😔 BB from somewhere in Louisiana
Wow! You nailed it when you said, people pleasing is more about not being okay with the discomfort we feel when we disappoint someone--we want to avoid confrontation (the confrontation of what I want vs what they want) so we avoid it altogether. This is absolutely spot on as to why I would 'go with the flow,' or not speak up with what I wanted, or why I wouldn't say anything if I didn't like something. I only recently started understanding boundaries and being more authentic and while it isn't 'easy,' it's also been such a RELIEF that it's OKAY to disagree with someone or state my needs. Thank you for these episodes and stories that help illustrate the process through the messy middle as we learn.
I also see a lesson in Mel's story about how a gift can be meaningful for the giver while having different meaning and/or also creating difficult situations in accepting that gift for the recipient. There also needs to be grace and understanding in gift giving along the lines of " I would like to extend this gift to because I love you and by sharing something I love I can show you my love, while also understanding and respecting that it is your choice how you're going to accept said gift and that it may have different meaning in your life." Personally, I would not like to have a family member feel guilty about not being able to fit a gift into their life because they don't want to hurt my feelings. It is my choice what type of gift I give and what circumstances I consider. It is the recipients choice how to accept and honor that gift. There should be no obligation either way.
Hey Mel ! I lost my Dad a few years ago , guilt comes up all the time for me! his passing was during covid which made everything so much more intense!! To say the least about all that its been the hardest experience of my Iife I live in Elkhart indiana my dad had a plastic company and i delivered parts to Brunswick back in the day. i just wanted to share .. when you said guilt is a good thing it lifted some weight off me Im 10 years older than you and i feel like i am becoming my best version of me however me and my Mothers relationship has been quite the challenge.. 😢i want to change this before she’s gone from this world but not sure i have the tools to do so.. so much hurt !! Shes 88 and failing more everyday .. wish we could have coffee together and chat like girlfriends ❤ my apologies for the long message .. thank you for everything you share .
I resonate with everything you said! I lost my dad in 2019 and my relationship with my mom is not great. She's very much all about herself and her constant suffering. It's tough.
You refinanced this addition, think how nice if you used it for how your family needed it for. Playroom, office. We as kids try to fulfill our parents/loved ones dreams. I'm still learning that you can't please everyone. When we people please all day...we slowly deteriorate...the guilt. You are so sweet, still made room for the pool table. Thanks for always keeping it real Mel ❤️
Wow I can believe these seems a sign as just what iam struggling with right now at 63 an feel I am just deciding to at last start trying to start with myself for once self care self love thank you soo much Mel . Constantly trying to please others expecially my husband an i forget about me.
You are Amazing Mel!!! ❤I love you. Thank you ever so much for the clarity and insight. You are a beautiful person. 😍 😊🎉💐🌹The truth hurts, but it also promotes healthy growth if one allows it. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Refinement is necessary in order to adjust and adapt to change. Change is inevitable, change is a must, and change is good, especially when it is under peaceful and healthy circumstances...
Next possible topic (if not already discussed): What's the difference between shame and guilt? And are they not both normal emotions that serve for a good purpose when addressed in a healthy manner?
Yes!!! I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life. I had never met or been around other people that were like that. I had no idea it actually had a name. It wasn’t until I started tuning into podcasts like this that I learned that I’m not alone. I started paying attention to other people in my day to day with work and networking and I started to see how many people there were out there that, say no! I realized that what they were doing was actually just PROTECTING THEIR CALENDAR. Dude!!! I had been stretching myself so thin, fitting in meetings to accommodate other people’s schedules, coffee meetings, whatever it was and meanwhile, cramming my calendar to the point of complete burn out. The moment I started PROTECTING MY CALENDAR, my life got so much easier. That’s it. I found it, I’m there! And if my calendar gets over loaded, that’s on me. I can’t blame anyone else but me because I’m the one in control of it. I hope this helps anyone out there. Keep up the good work Mel❤️
Yes, it is unpleasant to dissapoint people but it is also tireing constantly defend myself about my needs, wants, dreams, whatever. That is how I felt with my parents. I should have been 1:1 like them and even that had not been enough. I dissapointed them weather I did as they wanted or wheather I took care of my needs, every time I was „bad.“ I found myself in the situation when I did not even know what I want, because what I wanted never mattered. I just tried to manage and survive.
Thank you for this excellent episode. I’ve been on a journey for about a year of breaking away from people pleasing. Unfortunately there were times when I did it with a sledgehammer rather than love & understanding. This episode opened my eyes to balance. New tools. Keep rockin it ❤
Thank you! I just discovered you and I am so glad I did! I am a life coach in progress and i love your natural and logical concepts! You served me a lot today! Thank you!
Oh Mel I already watched this podcast BUT I NEED TO WATCH IT EVERY DAY EVERY DAY UNTILL IT GETS MY DEFAULT RESPONSE TO MY PEOPLE PLEASING RESPONSE , TO LEARN to say NO , to be TRUE to myself. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏MEL❤❤❤❤
Today my partner of 26 years said: why you are becoming rebellion? It hit me!! I just noticed what I have been doing in the past months that I started setting boundaries and saying no to things I don’t want to get involved. Thanks Mel! This episode hit in the right time!
Thank you for creating this video. Only one I’ve found that gives a profound explanation of how to approach people pleasing. I will check out the rest of your videos! ❤ Blessings
Do you have any episodes on how to gracefully and respectfully be on the receiving end of this? I genuinely want to be someone that hears "no" and is always respectful and easygoing, no guilt trips or meltdowns or drama involved. But even as an adult, when you're wanting to be a good friend, family member, co-worker, etc, and you are told no, I would be really grateful to have some tips and tools to bring to mind in those moments. Grateful for all you and your team do, Mel!
@TheBlfan you said you want to be at the end of receiving this. This mean no reaction. So others will do the work on setting boundaries and you will get the results you want without the out spash
@@alexandraalbertz1442 I wouldn't say it's about others doing the work for me or making me comfortable, necessarily. Both sides have to put the work in. For example, I have chronic health problems, and that affects all levels of my life, with family, friends, co-workers, etc. If I am having a day where I am struggling and I ask someone for help and they say no, I want to gracefully and respectfully handle that no without guilt trips/meltdowns/interrogations/drama. What I really want is freedom: I want to have the freedom to ask, I want others to have the freedom to answer honestly, and I want for the other person to be free and able to trust that I respectfully receive that honest answer, even when it's no. Unfortunately though my emotions get in the way of that receptivity sometimes, and so I was wondering if Mel had tips/tools/episodes for how to avoid the meltdown/guilt trip/drama.
Thank you, Mel. What you have shared perfectly describes how I feel when I say no to someone. I feel guilty, but at the same time, I am happier because I chose to follow my heart and give myself more love. I have been a people pleaser my whole life until recently. Saying no is becoming easier. You're awesome! Take care. I also used to live in Michigan, what a cool place to be.
Mel, you changed my life! I listen to all your podcasts, I have transformed my life by using the tools from you podcasts. Freedom of my mind never made me feel so good!
I have always had that issue of saying no, of saying what needs to be said. I have found that it only allows resentment to sit and to fester. I would have been "Old Mel" sitting and waiting for her friend to finish her meal even though I was dog ass tired. I have always given and now being told that I haven't done enough, the resentment came up full force. I have NEVER expressed things I felt or said no when I needed to or should have. The minute or just the fact that I can't do things that others can do, makes me someone that doesn't do enough, doesn't care enough. I am so done at that point and just like you said "do what works for me" even if it means my friend keeps it moving in another direction.
Mel! How do I raise my daughter to listen but not become a people pleaser?? She is very strong willed and has a hard time listening. I’m a new listener but you are already changing my life. I would appreciate your insight. Thank you!
🌸🌼☕️Sunday morning with Mel Robbins second podcast this morning and loving this topic too. I’ve been a pleaser most of my entire life having a soft heart and very low self esteem most my entire younger years 50+ now. I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older that not being a people pleaser boosts your self confidence putting myself first is not selfish but I have to admit I still feel guilty most times.
It’s normal for you to feel guilty for putting yourself first because you’re not used to that type of lifestyle, but it’s a very important tool for a happier life. Them most important thing should be that, putting yourself first always shouldn’t change your good heart ❤️ and good deeds. Putting yourself first doesn’t mean you should be greedy, but should help others in a way that you’re not displeasing yourself. Are you married still?
I have a situation nobody seems to talk about. My parents were marvelous, encouraging, stimulating, everything you could want. Never ever seen them arguing or having unkind words. No kidding. This means that I am completely unprepared for any type of conflict , not to mention physical anger of throwing things, screaming, punching holes etc. Soon as I feel any of this starting, I go into people pleaser mode 1000 percent and walk on eggshells. Is anyone else there like me?
I feel the part on guilt is something that can get better with time. Working through the feeli gs attached to the guilt takes work and time with a licensed therapist who have experience with trauma bonding can help elevate and help the individual work through that guilt and eventually letting go of it. We live in a society where everyone wants a quick fix and that's when the guilt never goes away. Deep wounded trauma bond issues takes a lot of time depending on the severity of the situation to heal. A lot of times it's the shame that's behind the guilt that makes the guilt worst and harder to release and let go of. Self acceptance has to do with becoming aware of the shame tied to the guilt so you can work through them. But again we have to be compassionate and patient with ourselves to give it the time and space it needs to heal.
I would really like to see a video supporting how to release anger when you're right in the middle of it! I have a problem with calming down after I've gotten hurt or angry and find I -might- have a tendency to hold onto things better let go, but it is not easy! Tools and tips please, please, please!
I have found it to be about respect: you respect yourself and the other person to be honest with them, and they respect you for your honesty in the end too.
I leaned from some profound Taoist that cooperation, not compromise. One should not compromise their authentic self…however sitting down, having a conversation around cooperating is excellent! And sometimes the other will continue to be manipulative by making the other feel guilty. Some relationships we have to walk away from because manipulation is not love. I think you know what I mean…
Lord I listened to this whole great video...but the end story truly brought everything home...I'm the slow eater also that would have loved that you asked...cause I would want to enjoy my food, the entertainment and from Chicagoland so not afraid to be by myself...ask & do what is right for YOU 😘
@@ConradKurtMorgan For a while now. I am trying to launch a podcast cast on recovering from childhood trauma and would love to speak with her about it.
We can all relate in some way...my biggest gripe is lying to yourself and lovingly tormenting yourself with the idea of packing the pool table away to "one day" set it back up in an addition of your home....you don't want it, you never use it.....be done with it via a sale or let your dad decide. It is useless to build your life with someone else's life (furniture) that you realistically loathe or have no interest in but simply keep it and avoid purchasing furniture that you REALLY want, to keep something that one day will ABSOLUTELY end up gone anyway.....
I hope this episode serves as an important reminder for you to start putting yourself first. Drop a like and let me know what else you’d like to see discussed on future episodes in the comments!
Morning Mel. I feel very stupid for asking. I'm from South Africa, I am very anxious about messaging you, but I am obsessed with the let them theory, having depression for years. l am a teacher, and I would like to know if I disagree with my boss/management etc., even if it is about another younger teacher for example. Do I speak up or do I let them. It will open a can of words but I am not sure when to use the let them theory if you have a strong opinion or feeling. Do I step back and stay out of it (let them) ?
Having personal boundaries is what I was never taught. Always surrounded by criticism, of course I became a people pleaser. When I finally learned boundaries and started saying what is really on my mind, not just going along no matter what, the realization came to me as a total shock. I just could not believe how unaware I was, never even knew this boundaries thing exist. I just perceived people with boundaries as cold, egoistical and selfish. I can see now how I was wrong. The realization brought so much personal empowerment, self-respect and not giving a shit. I really don't care if there are others who see me as such, because I know I am not like that, I just have my set of rules when it comes to a relationship. And also, those people who were in my life for my peoplepleasing, were extremely angered once I changed and they just left. And to be honest, it gave me a huge relief, like suddenly I am free.
YESSS!!! Good riddance to those leeches who masqueraded for too long as friends. Becoming self aware and empowering yourself with healthier behaviors, boundaries, and self love is life changing.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It's liberating to hear others experience similar ordeals. Bottom line, standing up for ourselves is necessary for our well being.
Yes, it is the greatest feeling in the world to reach this point in Life -It is truly a Big Relief to feel Free and just be yourself. 🥰
power of confidence : ruclips.net/video/-w4i44m4Vpc/видео.html
O
The more self love I build the more I lose people. Still have guilt but I realize they were benefiting from me not loving myself and not saying No.
👋🏻 ✌🏻
Do you live around a lot of family, or a large friends group? Family and friends are a strong energy, often supportive, tribal for good and not-so-good. Generally they rebel if they perceive your actions as striking out on your own, walking your own path. That is a generalization, of course, I say again - not true in every case. Good energy with you loving yourself, that's important, really vital. Onward!
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
That is a bummer that you've lose people, but it is really good to build up love for yourself. That is important. It's important to put yourself first. Eventually I think you will attract people who respect you for that.
The word no is a beautiful and powerful word. It sets boundaries and it shows that you have self respect. Say no when you don’t want to do something and don’t feel bad about it. You don’t have to explain yourself when you say no.
@Jessica Sankey you are welcome. Thank you for your kind words. Have a wonderful day
@Jessica Sankey eve
Wow.... epic!!
🎉❤
power of confidence : ruclips.net/video/-w4i44m4Vpc/видео.html
I heard Dr Phil say once " don't complain about what you tolerate" it's a good saying,makes me aware when you straight getting into that cycle of going around and around!
Never heard that, wow that's a keeper and I am ready to tell it to a few people in my life!
Love that! 👏👏👏👍
"Do not complain about things you are not willing to chance"
Thank you for this. I am definitely going to start reciting this in my mind when I face tough issues/decision making.
“You teach people how to treat you”- Dr. Phil
“They can only do what you allow”- Dr. Phil
I have one thing to add to this--when you say no, don't explain. Do not say, "No, because I'm.... tired, broke, not into it..." etc. If you give a reason you feel like you need to soften the why, you feel guilty, you also give them something to flip back on you. "oh no, it's going to be so much fun..you'll wake up.. don't worry about the money, i'll buy.. "
Imagine the cashier asking if you want a credit card. If you say *anything--they have a retort ready. So, if you just say, "no thank you" it leaves them no room to reply. They don't know what to do with it and you don't have to defend your decision. Just be polite and say, "no thank you."
Good advice Claudine. "No thank you" is enough.
“No” is a complete sentence 😊
This is so good- "yes people will feel disappointed once you put yourself first, but they will still love you" 💖💖💖 - thank you Mel 🙏
Bmo
Thank you for this podcast on people pleasing. I am 72 years old and have bone cancer. I am currently in remission, but I will need to continue doing chemo for the rest of my life. The members of my family that I have and a few of my friends now avoid me because they do not understand what I need to. Even though it is painful to be rejected, I still have to take care of myself. My step-son does not talk to me at all because I would not quit treatments, move to where he lives, and take care of him because he was dealing with health problems. He is 43 years old. I suggested he talk with his father or his mother to get some help. Cancer has taught me to put me first, to set boundaries with my family, and to deal with their anger because I am unable to be available to people please them. It took a while, but my brother finally accepted my illness and even drove me to my treatments.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. 1st may I say I wish you all the best of Health and for Continuing Treatment. You are doing exactly what Mel is trying to explain to other people, and I applaud you for that. You handled the situation with your stepson perfectly and did not cave into his selfish needs. 🥰
Dang. Your step son is a piece of work! Let him go!
@@BettyWilchek Well-said, Betty and I agree. lindaaugusta, I definitely sympathize with your situation , but am very glad you are putting yourself first. As Betty said, I wish you all the best of health, also. You definitely matter and are very important, too. I hope you recover well and live happy the rest of your days :)
It took me fifty years to learn to say no without losing sleep and avoiding discomfort. The level of discomfort I felt growing up was unhealthy and continued through my adult life. The physical discomfort is real. Thank you, Mel.
We all need to grow and be ok with being uncomfortable. Setting boundaries is hard, but we have to PRACTICE it to be able to do it. Straight up: in less the 50 years most of us here today, 30 or older, will be dead. If you are going to have a good life you HAVE TO lean i to and practice setting boundaries, say no, and learn to be a little uncomfortable. Because its worth it❤❤❤
This is something I struggled with mainly in my family. The guilt and manipulation is huge among families 😩
I agree, generally, but somebody [an individual] usually drives it. If you push back against manipulation and refuse to succumb to guilt, your reward is freedom and self-determination. The family members who are on your side will stay connected with you [and possibly learn from you]! Good energy with your struggle.
this...this! ......thankyou @@mickeyaugrec7560
Man it took me one lousy relationship for several years to see how I'm manipulated by my own family, and what's even more heartbreaking my mother being the 2 worse.
Now, when I say no, or speak my mind they say I'm drunk, or I'm an alcoholic I should stop drinking...
Well I have and still they say the same thing to me and others. Unfortunately the only thing is to leave their lives, so you can get on with yours.
But, it sure did help me knowing that several years of a bad relationship was led by me not being able to say no my whole life.
So, I now no guilt and no alcohol, and no family, but I'm grateful for my new family that brings me joy.
Mine was the same. Each time I say no to something I don't feel comfortable doing, my family members will say oh; "you want us to beg you? Who do you think you are to say no? I won't do anything for you if you need my help." ( not like they ever did anything for me).
Coming from a JW household where I was constantly taught to put the interest of others ahead of mine. Saying "NO" to someone was tagged as being rebellious. I was constantly guilt tripped into doing things that I naturally won't do. I became a human pleaser, just for peace sake.
Now I'm becoming firm in setting boundaries and saying no. At first they were aggressive and calling me selfish, but now behind my back they're saying; "oh she getting wiser."
I totally understand because I have been a people pleaser my whole life. You are amazing!!!
This entire episode is pure GOLD.. thank you MEL 💖🙏💖
HOW do you always have the perfect podcast for what's going on in my life at the very moment it airs! Realizing it's about being uncomfortable with disappointing people, even at the expense of harming myself, hit me like a ton of bricks. Wow. I think I'm going to let myself disappoint some folks.
You don't know how this helped me... I said no to
a great person for whom I have much affection but I just could not take his advice and said so... fortunately he understood...and he's still coming to dinner tonight ❤
Over time, have learnt to say No and am not sorry about it. Am at peace knowing that i don't have to do anything that is way out of my budget or schedule. ❤
Thank you Mel! It’s so true that stating your needs will make others unhappy or even angry. Be brave and stick by what is important to you! Their disapproval only speaks of their character, not you!❤
She is right…accept if the person is a narcissist, they don’t tend to forgive. But I learned to say “no” thoughtfully, with my dignity intact, even to a narcissist. I just kept looking forward and found kind hearted people that did show up in my life for the better. My narcissistic dad, unfortunately, never really forgave me. I still developed a great life, he still hurt others deeply, but I was no longer a target and found my freedom from saying “no” thank you. High Five ❤
Do you know what Mel? After this podcast, I don’t even need the “pause “ moment. I’m going straight into “No thank you” Wow, what a lesson you’ve just given me. I feel so much stronger, I will not even feel the guilt! If I do, I know now, that’s not a bad thing! Thank you for this amazing therapy. I feel I’ve just grown up by about 20 years! You are the best! 👏👏👏👏🌺🥰
Soo what I'm hearing is that I really need to remember that I'm a people too? Thanks for that!
That episode was a mind blowing for me 🤯
We are people pleasers because of our inability to take the discomfort of making other people upset. 🤯🤯🤯. Wow! Thank you Mel! Hi five to you Queen ❤
Mel,what I have disvovered for me is: I was taught to serve,when you can unravel that,you are free
“ Hey, it’s your friend, Mel.” I don’t know how you came up with that intro, but I love it! It’s catchy, and it somehow makes me feel like you care, even though you don’t even know I exist. LOL Thanks for doing what you do, Mel! I love listening to your podcasts. ❤️
This is interesting to me, because my lived experience with people who were abusive was that if I displeased them, they DIDN'T actually still love me AND the consequence of not pleasing them was more abuse. As an aside, I was unable to leave the situations at the time (I was a child when I was experiencing this from one of the abusive people).
I’ve been learning things about myself for quite some time and practicing saying no, and feeling ok about it. It’s really hard because I feel like the bad guy. Another thing I notice is that I avoid people if I’ve had my mind made up about doing what I want for the day (ie walks, spending time outside, going to stores by myself) because I’m afraid I’ll get asked something that I feel I can’t say no to 😅 but getting better. 😊
I spend a lot of time reassuring people (especially my adult children) that if I ask them to do something and they don't want to, I'm completely ok with hearing no. I want people to feel like I am a safe person to say what they actually feel to me. I might be sad that you said no but I would be more sad if you did what I asked simply because you were afraid to say no.
I do that as well, I tell them ‘It’s ok to say no. If you don’t want to do whatever then you don’t have to’
Sometimes people have to be disappointed...I know someone who gives things as control...then also takes them back! I stopped playing the game, they don't give up easily. You can love them...but you have to be constantly aware. This can be a real problem, but , I'm as valuable as anyone . I don't argue or over explain. How this makes me feel is like a breath of fresh air....most of all in this I trust God to free me ( and teach me ) new thing's and to truly be free 😔 BB from somewhere in Louisiana
Wow! You nailed it when you said, people pleasing is more about not being okay with the discomfort we feel when we disappoint someone--we want to avoid confrontation (the confrontation of what I want vs what they want) so we avoid it altogether. This is absolutely spot on as to why I would 'go with the flow,' or not speak up with what I wanted, or why I wouldn't say anything if I didn't like something.
I only recently started understanding boundaries and being more authentic and while it isn't 'easy,' it's also been such a RELIEF that it's OKAY to disagree with someone or state my needs.
Thank you for these episodes and stories that help illustrate the process through the messy middle as we learn.
I needed this to stay in aligned with my life ❤
I also see a lesson in Mel's story about how a gift can be meaningful for the giver while having different meaning and/or also
creating difficult situations in accepting that gift for the recipient. There also needs to be grace and understanding in gift giving along the lines of " I would like to extend this gift to because I love you and by sharing something I love I can show you my love, while also understanding and respecting that it is your choice how you're going to accept said gift and that it may have different meaning in your life." Personally, I would not like to have a family member feel guilty about not being able to fit a gift into their life because they don't want to hurt my feelings. It is my choice what type of gift I give and what circumstances I consider. It is the recipients choice how to accept and honor that gift. There should be no obligation either way.
Don’t gift people stuff that you like or are your own passion, give folks things you know they will like and need.
Hey Mel ! I lost my Dad a few years ago , guilt comes up all the time for me! his passing was during covid which made everything so much more intense!! To say the least about all that its been the hardest experience of my Iife I live in Elkhart indiana my dad had a plastic company and i delivered parts to Brunswick back in the day. i just wanted to share .. when you said guilt is a good thing it lifted some weight off me
Im 10 years older than you and i feel like i am becoming my best version of me however me and my Mothers relationship has been quite the challenge.. 😢i want to change this before she’s gone from this world but not sure i have the tools to do so.. so much hurt !! Shes 88 and failing more everyday .. wish we could have coffee together and chat like girlfriends ❤ my apologies for the long message .. thank you for everything you share .
I resonate with everything you said! I lost my dad in 2019 and my relationship with my mom is not great. She's very much all about herself and her constant suffering. It's tough.
You refinanced this addition, think how nice if you used it for how your family needed it for. Playroom, office. We as kids try to fulfill our parents/loved ones dreams. I'm still learning that you can't please everyone. When we people please all day...we slowly deteriorate...the guilt. You are so sweet, still made room for the pool table. Thanks for always keeping it real Mel ❤️
Wow I can believe these seems a sign as just what iam struggling with right now at 63 an feel I am just deciding to at last start trying to start with myself for once self care self love thank you soo much Mel .
Constantly trying to please others expecially my husband an i forget about me.
Yes we do forget about ourselves and I am not going to do that anymore cheers and take care too 💐🌻
You are Amazing Mel!!! ❤I love you. Thank you ever so much for the clarity and insight. You are a beautiful person. 😍 😊🎉💐🌹The truth hurts, but it also promotes healthy growth if one allows it. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Refinement is necessary in order to adjust and adapt to change. Change is inevitable, change is a must, and change is good, especially when it is under peaceful and healthy circumstances...
Next possible topic (if not already discussed):
What's the difference between shame and guilt? And are they not both normal emotions that serve for a good purpose when addressed in a healthy manner?
“If we make space for each other, what comes through is the love” Wow! That just hit me.
Yes!!! I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life. I had never met or been around other people that were like that. I had no idea it actually had a name. It wasn’t until I started tuning into podcasts like this that I learned that I’m not alone. I started paying attention to other people in my day to day with work and networking and I started to see how many people there were out there that, say no! I realized that what they were doing was actually just PROTECTING THEIR CALENDAR. Dude!!! I had been stretching myself so thin, fitting in meetings to accommodate other people’s schedules, coffee meetings, whatever it was and meanwhile, cramming my calendar to the point of complete burn out. The moment I started PROTECTING MY CALENDAR, my life got so much easier. That’s it. I found it, I’m there! And if my calendar gets over loaded, that’s on me. I can’t blame anyone else but me because I’m the one in control of it. I hope this helps anyone out there. Keep up the good work Mel❤️
Yes, it is unpleasant to dissapoint people but it is also tireing constantly defend myself about my needs, wants, dreams, whatever. That is how I felt with my parents. I should have been 1:1 like them and even that had not been enough. I dissapointed them weather I did as they wanted or wheather I took care of my needs, every time I was „bad.“ I found myself in the situation when I did not even know what I want, because what I wanted never mattered. I just tried to manage and survive.
Thank you for this excellent episode. I’ve been on a journey for about a year of breaking away from people pleasing. Unfortunately there were times when I did it with a sledgehammer rather than love & understanding. This episode opened my eyes to balance. New tools. Keep rockin it ❤
I am loving the black vases, and the bouquet of flowers. Thanks for this video and help growing courage to keep growing in my inner work.
Thank you! I just discovered you and I am so glad I did! I am a life coach in progress and i love your natural and logical concepts! You served me a lot today! Thank you!
I am a new listener of Mel Robbins and I like what I hear. Hell until I found her I thought I was going crazy. She really helps. Thank you.. ❤❤❤❤❤
OMG Mel can Relate with every wotd you said..😢
I can’t even get past the “patting yourself on the back” introduction any more. The greatest! Most popular! Most amazing podcast in the world!
Hallelujah! and love the guilt-free/drama angle! Thank you! Feeling the pressure right now - the message came at the exact right time!
Mel Robbins you are a legend! Keep inspiring
The world must need the person like millions of Mel Robbins ....❤ Juz ....amazing !!
Absolutely brilliant mel... 👏 👌 😀 👍
Precious!
I'm SO glad I found this video! I did multiple searches on 'people pleasing' and had watched a bunch, but THIS one spoke to me! Thank you!
Oh Mel I already watched this podcast BUT I NEED TO WATCH IT EVERY DAY EVERY DAY UNTILL IT GETS MY DEFAULT RESPONSE TO MY PEOPLE PLEASING RESPONSE , TO LEARN to say NO , to be TRUE to myself.
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏MEL❤❤❤❤
Great podcast BTW 🤗
Today my partner of 26 years said: why you are becoming rebellion? It hit me!! I just noticed what I have been doing in the past months that I started setting boundaries and saying no to things I don’t want to get involved.
Thanks Mel! This episode hit in the right time!
Thank you for creating this video. Only one I’ve found that gives a profound explanation of how to approach people pleasing. I will check out the rest of your videos! ❤ Blessings
Do you have any episodes on how to gracefully and respectfully be on the receiving end of this? I genuinely want to be someone that hears "no" and is always respectful and easygoing, no guilt trips or meltdowns or drama involved. But even as an adult, when you're wanting to be a good friend, family member, co-worker, etc, and you are told no, I would be really grateful to have some tips and tools to bring to mind in those moments. Grateful for all you and your team do, Mel!
You want others to put the work for what will make you comfortable?
@@alexandraalbertz1442 Sorry, I'm not sure what your question means?
@TheBlfan you said you want to be at the end of receiving this. This mean no reaction. So others will do the work on setting boundaries and you will get the results you want without the out spash
@@alexandraalbertz1442 I wouldn't say it's about others doing the work for me or making me comfortable, necessarily. Both sides have to put the work in. For example, I have chronic health problems, and that affects all levels of my life, with family, friends, co-workers, etc. If I am having a day where I am struggling and I ask someone for help and they say no, I want to gracefully and respectfully handle that no without guilt trips/meltdowns/interrogations/drama. What I really want is freedom: I want to have the freedom to ask, I want others to have the freedom to answer honestly, and I want for the other person to be free and able to trust that I respectfully receive that honest answer, even when it's no. Unfortunately though my emotions get in the way of that receptivity sometimes, and so I was wondering if Mel had tips/tools/episodes for how to avoid the meltdown/guilt trip/drama.
Thank you, Mel. What you have shared perfectly describes how I feel when I say no to someone. I feel guilty, but at the same time, I am happier because I chose to follow my heart and give myself more love. I have been a people pleaser my whole life until recently. Saying no is becoming easier. You're awesome! Take care. I also used to live in Michigan, what a cool place to be.
I've just listened to this and I'm such a people pleaser and always saying yes to everyone. Thank you for everything you have said. 🙏
Mel, you changed my life! I listen to all your podcasts, I have transformed my life by using the tools from you podcasts. Freedom of my mind never made me feel so good!
Awww that’s awesome, congratulations dear. How long have you been following up with Mel ?
Pool table story. All of it. Such a profoundly powerful, important remarkable story about loving others and our selves. Wow just wow.
Amen!! and I'm taking notes like I do with all your videos to better my life.
High 5 Mel. 🖐 😄👍Let's go I'm ready.😷
I have always had that issue of saying no, of saying what needs to be said. I have found that it only allows resentment to sit and to fester. I would have been "Old Mel" sitting and waiting for her friend to finish her meal even though I was dog ass tired. I have always given and now being told that I haven't done enough, the resentment came up full force. I have NEVER expressed things I felt or said no when I needed to or should have. The minute or just the fact that I can't do things that others can do, makes me someone that doesn't do enough, doesn't care enough. I am so done at that point and just like you said "do what works for me" even if it means my friend keeps it moving in another direction.
As a born 'People Pleaser' I really love this video. ❤
Mel! How do I raise my daughter to listen but not become a people pleaser?? She is very strong willed and has a hard time listening. I’m a new listener but you are already changing my life. I would appreciate your insight. Thank you!
🌸🌼☕️Sunday morning with Mel Robbins second podcast this morning and loving this topic too.
I’ve been a pleaser most of my entire life having a soft heart and very low self esteem most my entire younger years 50+ now.
I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older that not being a people pleaser boosts your self confidence putting myself first is not selfish but I have to admit I still feel guilty most times.
It’s normal for you to feel guilty for putting yourself first because you’re not used to that type of lifestyle, but it’s a very important tool for a happier life. Them most important thing should be that, putting yourself first always shouldn’t change your good heart ❤️ and good deeds. Putting yourself first doesn’t mean you should be greedy, but should help others in a way that you’re not displeasing yourself.
Are you married still?
@@ConradKurtMorgan Ok.
@@janetlassala7129 where are you from
Thank you Mel❤
Your podcasts are life changing ❤😢
Bless you
Fantastic points. I have never thought of Guilt being good. Thank you so much for talking about this in such a real way.
Wow this was amazing and EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Thank you so much!!
OMG this podcast about saying "no" and setting boundaries is amazing! my head went off with many things that you said. Thank you :)
Thank you so much Mel! This will truly transform and inspire me to live a happier healthier life! 💯🙌❤
This is awesome!!
NO is a complete sentence! ❤
I have a situation nobody seems to talk about. My parents were marvelous, encouraging, stimulating, everything you could want. Never ever seen them arguing or having unkind words. No kidding. This means that I am completely unprepared for any type of conflict , not to mention physical anger of throwing things, screaming, punching holes etc. Soon as I feel any of this starting, I go into people pleaser mode 1000 percent and walk on eggshells. Is anyone else there like me?
Thanks a ton exquisite soul!!❤
I feel the part on guilt is something that can get better with time. Working through the feeli gs attached to the guilt takes work and time with a licensed therapist who have experience with trauma bonding can help elevate and help the individual work through that guilt and eventually letting go of it. We live in a society where everyone wants a quick fix and that's when the guilt never goes away. Deep wounded trauma bond issues takes a lot of time depending on the severity of the situation to heal. A lot of times it's the shame that's behind the guilt that makes the guilt worst and harder to release and let go of. Self acceptance has to do with becoming aware of the shame tied to the guilt so you can work through them. But again we have to be compassionate and patient with ourselves to give it the time and space it needs to heal.
Needed this 🙏
Hello Mel!
Thank you for your work!
Black is your color! 🤗
I would really like to see a video supporting how to release anger when you're right in the middle of it! I have a problem with calming down after I've gotten hurt or angry and find I -might- have a tendency to hold onto things better let go, but it is not easy! Tools and tips please, please, please!
Loved April now
I needed this TODAY!! Thanks Mel!!
Meaningful conversation Mel❤
I have found it to be about respect: you respect yourself and the other person to be honest with them, and they respect you for your honesty in the end too.
I love your understanding❤❤❤
Thank you, Mel. I needed this message!
Awesome podcast, Mel! Thanks! 👏
I leaned from some profound Taoist that cooperation, not compromise. One should not compromise their authentic self…however sitting down, having a conversation around cooperating is excellent! And sometimes the other will continue to be manipulative by making the other feel guilty. Some relationships we have to walk away from because manipulation is not love. I think you know what I mean…
I really needed this I’m a people pleaser. And don’t take care of me. 😊
I really like this Mel,and I think the people pleasing ends ,when you do put someone ahead of you,its done in love,love for you and love for them.
Lord I listened to this whole great video...but the end story truly brought everything home...I'm the slow eater also that would have loved that you asked...cause I would want to enjoy my food, the entertainment and from Chicagoland so not afraid to be by myself...ask & do what is right for YOU 😘
That was brilliant I always put everyone else first. Thanks
Thank you Mel for the story of the pool table, it was the first time I laughed out loud in a long time. Misty
Thanks Mel, I love this podcast ❤️
How long have you been following up with Mel ?
@@ConradKurtMorgan For a while now. I am trying to launch a podcast cast on recovering from childhood trauma and would love to speak with her about it.
We can all relate in some way...my biggest gripe is lying to yourself and lovingly tormenting yourself with the idea of packing the pool table away to "one day" set it back up in an addition of your home....you don't want it, you never use it.....be done with it via a sale or let your dad decide. It is useless to build your life with someone else's life (furniture) that you realistically loathe or have no interest in but simply keep it and avoid purchasing furniture that you REALLY want, to keep something that one day will ABSOLUTELY end up gone anyway.....
Thank you beautiful Mel 💜💜💜
Thanks
Dear Lord! I can so relate to all this!!!! You’re SPOT ON MEL!
A Detroit, MI fan♥️♥️
This is Brilliant!
Love this episode!!! Thank you so much!!!
I'm taking notes 😅
You are amazing Mel❤️. This was very helpful.
Right on time.
Self awareness is key 🔑