The conversation I had with Dr. Becky @goodinside today was incredibly eye opening 👀. If you gained some valuable insights today like I did, then I’d be so grateful if you’d drop a like and subscribe to hear from some more incredible guests in the future.
I just couldn't stop pausing and writing stuff down. I'm on my third listen and I'm still blown away. There are some huge revelations here. It's heavy but also uplifting.
Just finished reading ‘Raising Warriors: Preparing Your Children For a Godly Life’ and it really opened my eyes to some new ways of guiding my kids in their faith. Highly recommend it if you’re looking to strenghten your family’s spiritual life
Oh my god! People pleasing, perfectionism, overthinking, questioning yourself, inability to take risks, fear of being seen! Whenever you were in most contact with your desires it endangered your relationships! mind! Blown!
I did not see a place to look into Dr Becky. I appreciate the insight of many of your podcasts, but I would like to dive more into what Dr Becky was saying. Thank you for all you do, and how open, honest and to the point you are.
Sorry, a 9 month old doesn’t think when they get overwhelmed that they push people away - that’s ridiculous. What they encode if this happens a lot is that their parent is not there to soothe them when they need soothing and this could effect their attachment and trust issues. Memory exists without other people to interpret it as well. She needs to study cognitive psychology. Pre language people can remember smells, sounds other sensations. There are also many memories we have from younger years when we were verbal so we can remember in words but never talked to anyone about. Memories are not always accurate because we didn’t necessarily interpret them correctly, but they’re still important because we believe them.
So if your a baby, when you cry and when a caregiver fails to provide appropriate support, you then carry that bodily sensation into adulthood? Like you struggle to cope with anger/frustration/sad emotions in adulthood?
This made me think of so much.. My whole childhood my parents would scream at me like drill sergeants over my childhood frustrations there was so much screaming and fighting over super small things and it was always so scary for me. I still feel what I physically felt as a child because it never went away. And this made me think both my grandfathers where super abusive towards my parents. Screaming fighting and yelling verbal abuse and physical abuse. I had an undiagnosed panic attack disorder and GAD I stated struggling at 7 with it and my parents didn't know how to handle it at all. they would always tell me I don't know what to do with you and yell at me. I'm 29 and still no where in life because I have a crippling social disorder that I cant get a grip on. I'm in therapy for the past 3 years finally diagnosed and I realized so much but I don't know how to push myself because as a child I would hide and want to be alone and I'm still that 7 year old. and even with the acknowledgement idk how to change its like I have the open door with no room. And I still have resentment towards my parents but I could see how they where raised was definitely projected it on me but they themselves were victims.
I’m 37, I’ve been in therapy since I was 20, I’m just now starting to take care of myself because I’m worth the work, getting to the door is a great step but walking through isn’t easy, don’t get frustrated and just try little steps, you’re going to stumble, you’re supposed to stumble, just keep working towards going through that door YOU CAN DO IT AND ARE WPRTH IT
Hi....remember you are stronger than you think. Talk to your therapist about "healing the little". And also look into EMDR therapy. It can help you refile trauma. It took you time to be where you are. It will take time to push through. But you will. Make sure you engage in self care every day. Good food, sleep, nice music, light a candle & take a nice bath, take a walk and get sunshine on your face, watch videos that make you laugh, have coffee with a friend, maybe go to church?, pray?,....take time for you. Be blessed..you are worth it!!!
Wow, Mel. This is huge. As a young father this is so important to be cognitive of. Thank you. I will continue working on myself so that I don't blah all over children. Thank you so much for your dedication to us.
I love this topic; the subconscious mind creates who we are! That includes the good parts and the blocks and limitations you have that stop you from experiencing more in life right now. For example, let's say you touch your hand on a burning hot stove when you are a kid. You don't have to think about not doing the same later on; you automatically avoid it cause your brain saved that painful feeling with the experience of what happened down in your subconscious mind *so you never do it again.* Let's say you have a mother that reacts strongly to you when you cry when you are younger, perhaps yelling at you. Then you might stop yourself from crying in the future, and you might stop speaking up. *Why?* Cause you don't want to experience the traumatic emotion of feeling abandoned or not loved by your mother ever again, so you tweak your personality and start acting in new ways. This could be why you people please later in life, why you let people walk over you, to name a few. As kids, just as Becky said, we need love and acceptance from our parents to feel safe and be okay. And we'll do *anything* to get it. Including burying parts of who we really are and taking on new negative aspects. Aspects that we have come to believe we need to have to be accepted in life, which screws us over cause we keep acting in the same way later on in life. Still stuck in our unconscious survival mechanism to escape pain.
So well explained and it's exactly where I'm at and I'm the one that wasn't allowed to cry as a child I quit crying at 15 never cried again until I was 21 because I thought that I had to hold on to the pain to survive to be stronger as a person to handle situations that were catastrophic in my life at the time and you wouldn't believe how messed up as an adult I am
I can’t thank you enough for bringing this guest to the podcast. I have learned it’s okay TO WANT something! Unbelievable. And how much strings are attached to my childhood and my parents’ divorce. I just recently discovered your channel and can’t get enough of it!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you! ❤ 5,4,3,2,1 - mirror high 5! 😂
38:24 WOW!! I definitely see how I’ve brought my “childhood adapting behaviors” into adulthood… not good🙁. But now I’ll be mindful of it . Thank you both!!
Nobody is ever motivated by shame and guilt… wish someone had told my parents that when I was growing up… I need to remember this, because I definitely know how true it is from personal experience, especially when responding to other peoples unwanted behaviors…
I'm so sorry that your parents are so misguided. Do your healing work. My late dad was mi!itary n misguide. I've been on the healing path since my late teens. I just turned 65. It's do able, it takes time n patience. ❤
My grandmother TOLD my mom to discipline using guilt and shame. She didn’t know any better, so she did! I developed codependency (for more reasons than just that). Still trying to overcome it and I’m 65
Me thinking I grew up with great parenting and then realizing they only used guilt and shame. Then spanked me when I had my own opinion. No wonder I'm feeling like such a horrible mom, and I'm triggered by my kid. I'm trying to help them with something I've never been taught myself.
I learned very valuable words: don’t yell, blame or isolate yourself. Shame stops us from the track that got us up to a point that is frozenness. It’s interesting that compassion and momentum is the key to life. Assuming positive intent about life and myself keeps me on the path and separate myself from a situation.
Yes, this IS required listening! I’m spouse , a mom of a young adult, and an early childhood educator -These are concepts I’m learning about in a parenting training course I’m taking called Hand in Hand. I’m unpacking my own childhood triggers that are being brought to the surface. With this acknowledgement we must also remember that parents and children are doing the best they can with the tools and skills they have. There is always more to learn, realize, and forgive about our own childhood and our own parenting- I’m so relieved that it’s never too late to rewire our emotional selves. Peace and love
I actually ended my relationship because we triggered each other vulnerabilities. I tried to communicate that, but each time I did a series of behaviors occurred, like defensiveness, blaming, stone walling, gaslighting, exhausting. I owned my triggers and explained them, but if the other person is empty, forget it. Ring around the Rossary... oh, thanks a million for helping us, you are dynamite!! I do think we must own our behaviors, I never expected a man to pay, which might be a mistake too.
Awesome episode! I've been listening to the audio book by Gabor Maté "the myth of normal" and it resonates so much with the statement "our triggers are stories from your past..." also about the fact that some behaviours were adaptive in our childhood but are causing problems in our adult life. I'm working on becoming a happier and assertive person and mom. Thank you Mel for your incredible work and support!
Wow I’ve been reading a lot of books about our childhood triggers and how they play out in us but never how we relate with our kids this is the best information I’ve ever heard thank you for sharing this information I will be getting the book and passing on this information
I remember reality at 3 and 4 years old, but not a lot of the surrounding emotional stuff that came with it, memory of feelings are from 5 and up. My body has older memories from a lot of things that I know in my core actually happened to me. the stories compounded over time and it has for sure affected my life up to 66 years. LOL. I get a gut punch when others start projecting on to me stuff that is not even mine. Yep you can vomit it all up on your kids. Even when you know what is going on, it is like a disembodied energy that you can watch go loony. I have done the repair part for a long time now but I have to work on the core reasons for me to be in this pattern. I was heavily wounded by my mother who shamed and poured her self hatred onto me, I was the truth teller and scapegoat for the family crap. It has been compounded by my siblings doing the same crap to me and project all the crap as being my fault for not changing to make them feel good when it is their work to do as well. I have had to distance myself from my family to start working on the deep seated shaming that I was taught. I know some of it but you gave me new ways to work on it. Lots of crap has come up in the last 12 years and it has 180 degree affect on my life but still lots to repair. thanks for the new tool.
I really enjoyed this podcast episode. Lots of learnings here for parenting and also for parents and non-parents to apply to their life. I had heard of Dr. Becky's podcast from our kids' pediatrician and child psychologist but I didn't pay much attention. After listening to this episode I'm listening to the audiobook "Good Inside" and it's profound. I love the approach based on the Good Inside philosophy and principles rather than timeouts, sticker charts, rewards and punishments. Looking forward to listening to the rest of the book and I'm already trying to apply principles such as "Two things are true" in parenting and to other areas.
This is so good. I can see how it’s hard for me to ask for what I desire. I was told by my father that I was old enough that my wants won’t hurt me. I also see my ex’s abandonment keeps resurfacing with our child and making her choose one parent over the other, instead of allowing her to have both.
I just realized that my soon-to-be ex-husband... Shames me by bringing up the past to try to make me feel guilty for things I've already asked for forgiveness for years and years ago. The difference between a few years back when I still froze up and beat myself up and now is our recognize it when it happens when he really berates me. Also I think he recognizes that I'm not bothered by it as much and I won't let him continue to be do his mental psychology to me. Yes he can still get to me However now I'm recognizing more and more when he does it. As though I'm a third person in the conversation looking at what he's doing to me and what I'm doing in response.
Stop interacting with him at all! Put him out of your life. You may feel dependent, and that will stop when you start gathering people who appreciate you.
When I ever got triggered as a parent, before saying something I would regret, I would put everyone involved in "Mommy Timeout". That meant we each went to our bedrooms for a short amount of time to reflect on how we feel. I would then go to them, have a conversation about the situation, then hug them telling them that I love them. I tried to never shut down my children. I always made time to allow them to look at everything in any and all types of stores, never rushing them, after a bit they would be ready to go. If they knew they had time to look a talk about different ones they would eventually be satisfied. I never had a bad experience with my children ever, often they were praised by shoppers, some clerks always remember them, for their good behavior. I always told my children they were angles sent from Heaven and we should behave as such. They are adults now who recognize their own triggers and can regulate themselves very well being open and honest about their own needs when it comes to issues causing dysregulation. Being self aware was of the utmost importance to me as a parent.
Yes, I’ve done that, doing what other people want me to do instead of what I want to do, I’m breaking that cycle as we speak, my mom thinks she knows what I need to do with my life when in fact it’s the opposite of what I need to do with my life and what’s best for me ❤✝️🦋 I’m starting over at 53 just left Upstate from a domestic violent engagement And came back home to Long Island 🏝️ Gods got me ✝️
So I need to develop the part of me that stands really firmly in my own interpretation of events. It causes mayhem in your family but maybe it makes you feel more 'defended' for the next time
Assume good intent…. Everyone is capable of changing….. That is refreshing and hopeful to hear, because so much of the videos and podcasts I consume online that talk about narcissism and stuff like that, they make it sound like certain people are just kind of evil and they will never change. And since I have a lot of narcissistic people in my life, that’s a really depressing concept to try to come to terms with… When you say everyone, do you mean EVERYONE? Even sociopaths??
It can be challenging for an individual to revisit experiences from their childhood, and in starting to challenge them may feel like a personal attack on what was learned then as well. Learning to rewire the brain is a long process, but is also necessary for a healing process to take place.
❤️Thanks! This is a great conversation. 🔑 Key Words: Self-abandonment. I really appreciated Mel for bringing up the topic of self-abandonment when it comes to the challenge of keeping promises or commitments to your self @47:07. I feel grateful for how Dr. Kennedy's demonstration of what a loving inner dialogue or inner self talk looks and sounds like with or without a dash of humor.
During my childhood I experienced abuse in my family of origin. They don’t grasp that. Then during the start of my schooling years. This never ceased! I’ve lost out on so much re: healthy relationship connections. An education that I really needed but couldn’t get cause of my ADHD & Learning differences that were never understood or believed in, thus couldn’t be properly educated in the way I needed. Then friendships were really difficult to make & keep for a long time & truly included in. As a child was always told (on my crescent where I lived) my last name was used & then heard go home-we don’t wanna play with you!) That happened too much times to count! Then any boyfriends were from really dysfunctional families themselves! Oh, wonderful! I’ve never had a “truly healthy relationship with any males period. I experience my own brother 6 yrs & 6 days older than me still treating me with a degree of disrespect, demeaning, devaluating, etc. I really wonder if he’s even really aware how he’s affecting me on whatever level. Been told by a woman in church that’s she’s observed me quietly & seeing very similar behaviour patterns in me as she’s seeing in many of her clients! She’s stated that she’s observed emotional dysregulation. I can’t control my emotions. Am very very sensitive & can & do cry 😭 at the drop of a hat! It’s a very real thing/issue. Not something made up!!! My parents were not meant to be married to each other. Their marriage was very unhealthy in a majority of ways! I’m the 5th sibling & have wished that I hadn’t been born! I’m now in my early 60s! Still suffering to this day. 2023!!! Really?! Hoping desperately for correct & precisely needed counselling by a counsellor who sincerely grasps/understands exactly what & how I’ve been feeling & experienced/experiencing to this day?! I’m truly so incredibly tired of this. Thus so much crying 😭! Can’t seem to win in being clearly understood & have my feelings & experiences validated & get the tools 🛠 to fix all this. Otherwise I’m ready to GIVE UP!!! Really find Mel Robbins videos interesting! Thanks Mel!
My first memory is waking at night with something poking in my back (it was a muscle twitch) I turn to see what it was and nothing was there. I looked through bars (cot bars) and saw two lumps in the bed, of course I didn't know it was mum and dad, I was too young but it was the fear I felt that helped me remember it. My father was a cruel man.
So much more helpful and real than the ridiculous "medium" stuff! Thank you for getting back to reality with this episode. I was really starting to worry about the direction this podcast was going. It was starting to feel very Sylvia Brown. I don't always agree with everything you post, and I appreciate that because it's healthy to entertain outside perspectives; but I definitely worry when I see delusional "psychics" or "mediums" or whatever nonsense that was.
Eye-opening! Thank you for this great discussion. Mel, I wish you didn’t interrupt your guests at the most crucial part of their remarks… it’s frustrating when you interrupt them in the middle of what they are saying (not at the natural interlocutor turn-taking pauses) and then start narrating a whole personal story about yourself…Other than that, you host brilliant speakers and share very valuable content. Thank you.
If I yelled at my kids or my dog, it wasn't because of my past, it was typically because they weren't listening after 20 times of my being calm.😂 I understand the difference. I came from an abusive home, there's a difference. I really hope this would be helpful for me but it's not.
This was so incredibly enlightening and I will definitely listen to this again and again and make sure I capture every part of it. Thank you so much for posting!
We can't blame our parents for or how we was raised We have to understand like this lady said in the beginning we repeat the pattern from generation to the next in some sort of way, we can change that by renewing our minds or actions catching ourselves our reactions to situations it's horrible that we don't see this child hood parenting trauma experiences until most of the time when we have our own children anything between that we thinking it's us we operating off of the auto pilot from that still childhood up bringing in some way or another. It's alot to unpack here I agreed with some stuff and understood some.
I love this, but I'm afraid it's too late, there's no eraser that can erase imprints on a cellular level in my children's bodies, the only thing I can do now is to change my behavior and hope for the best.
I can't cope with any rejection, it immediately triggers me and i start outwardly loathing myself and the person who triggered me. My traumatic, loveless and neglected childhood has completely destroyed my ability for love and intimacy. I have a lot of memories. My father force feeding my sibling her own vomit. He would laugh in my face and call me stupid repeatedly until I agreed that I was stupid. I saw great pleasure on his face when he dealt out cruel and unusual punishments and insults. We'd all be completely terrified upon him arriving home from work every day. My mum, morbidly obese and too busy rocking back and forth listening to country music on her recliner chair. She blocked out the abuse.
You can heal you. But you need help. A good therapist specialized in trauma. EMDR can be used to start to process the severe trauma`s you experienced. I was very traumatized and had EMDR from a psychologist and I still have a very good haptotherapist and helps healing me step by step. Becoming more loving towards me. Being able to be more intimate with others. I prepared for a long road to go and it is. But I am totally worth it. I hope you will find help and wish you all the best. You are worth it.
Spectacular opportunityfor personal INSIGHTS!! 💥EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN TO THIS!!💥 Mel, your facial expressions are priceless! Your authentic self is reacting to this topic~it's a total GIFT to watch you learn & process this info. (I had the same question about having the SAME BODY as born with) As ALWAYS THANK YOU!! 📢 Tech consideration: This taped very softly. I turned up the volume & almost lost my hearing when the ad came on🙄😉
Mel, I have “discovered” you a week or so and so pissed that I missed you show! Mel, you rock! Glad you have podcast so I can learn anytime!😊 I am very aesthetic so don’t take this the wrong way. It looks like your in a soundproof room, but you are so light like spring, but the room needs more light colors to reflect you!😊
Thank you ❣️ Now i know i am not crazy for talking to myself and also how i came to be me. I knew but jet again didn’t … Never realized that the triggers ARE telling ME MY complete story, the parts i did not know. Now i can let others of the hook 😂In other words stop blaming them for my nasty emotions. Working very hard on the 2023 version of myself 😅😁
This was amazing. Thanks! I wish there was a part 2. It would be great to hear more about speaking up and how it can be done in different scenarios. This is a big struggle for me.
Oh this is going to be put into a bookmark so I do NOT lose it and I can reference it later so I can go back over and over and process so much. Thank you BOTH 💖💖
This triggered a family story of my dad getting frustrated with me as a baby. I was told I wouldn't stop crying so he took me to the bathroom, turned on the cold water in the tub ad stuck my baby self under the faucet !
Mel no wonder you’re number one I’ve loved you from a far for many many years and you make me think and use my processing skills I enjoy and relate to your podcasts and just about everything you do thank you
The conversation I had with Dr. Becky @goodinside today was incredibly eye opening 👀. If you gained some valuable insights today like I did, then I’d be so grateful if you’d drop a like and subscribe to hear from some more incredible guests in the future.
More episodes on parenting, and how different ways of parenting affects children!
I just couldn't stop pausing and writing stuff down. I'm on my third listen and I'm still blown away. There are some huge revelations here. It's heavy but also uplifting.
ME TOOOOO!!!!
Amazing info!
Could you share what you wrote down, if you don't mind?
Would love to see your notes/takeaways.
She us a gid send and hell o smart
Just finished reading ‘Raising Warriors: Preparing Your Children For a Godly Life’ and it really opened my eyes to some new ways of guiding my kids in their faith. Highly recommend it if you’re looking to strenghten your family’s spiritual life
Oh my god! People pleasing, perfectionism, overthinking, questioning yourself, inability to take risks, fear of being seen! Whenever you were in most contact with your desires it endangered your relationships! mind! Blown!
Great topic. Anyone else having issues with the audio? Very difficult to hear
I did not see a place to look into Dr Becky. I appreciate the insight of many of your podcasts, but I would like to dive more into what Dr Becky was saying. Thank you for all you do, and how open, honest and to the point you are.
I’m blown away too!!! Super great information!!! 😮 thank you so much!!!
This is was such a real amazing conversation. Needed this message❤
I love this discussion! Thank you❤Mel and thank you doctor!
When she got to the second part of the talk she was in her knowledge zone and the examples and strategies were very helpful.
Thanks!
7:36 Our *Soul and *spirit are the same. So let's get our spirits healthy! ❤🎉
So good!
Wow
Sorry, a 9 month old doesn’t think when they get overwhelmed that they push people away - that’s ridiculous. What they encode if this happens a lot is that their parent is not there to soothe them when they need soothing and this could effect their attachment and trust issues. Memory exists without other people to interpret it as well. She needs to study cognitive psychology. Pre language people can remember smells, sounds other sensations. There are also many memories we have from younger years when we were verbal so we can remember in words but never talked to anyone about. Memories are not always accurate because we didn’t necessarily interpret them correctly, but they’re still important because we believe them.
When you're a baby you don't remember the words or the actions but you remember the way you were made to feel.
So if your a baby, when you cry and when a caregiver fails to provide appropriate support, you then carry that bodily sensation into adulthood? Like you struggle to cope with anger/frustration/sad emotions in adulthood?
Thank you for this conversation, this is helping me forgive my parents and myself
This made me think of so much.. My whole childhood my parents would scream at me like drill sergeants over my childhood frustrations there was so much screaming and fighting over super small things and it was always so scary for me. I still feel what I physically felt as a child because it never went away. And this made me think both my grandfathers where super abusive towards my parents. Screaming fighting and yelling verbal abuse and physical abuse. I had an undiagnosed panic attack disorder and GAD I stated struggling at 7 with it and my parents didn't know how to handle it at all. they would always tell me I don't know what to do with you and yell at me. I'm 29 and still no where in life because I have a crippling social disorder that I cant get a grip on. I'm in therapy for the past 3 years finally diagnosed and I realized so much but I don't know how to push myself because as a child I would hide and want to be alone and I'm still that 7 year old. and even with the acknowledgement idk how to change its like I have the open door with no room. And I still have resentment towards my parents but I could see how they where raised was definitely projected it on me but they themselves were victims.
I’m 37, I’ve been in therapy since I was 20, I’m just now starting to take care of myself because I’m worth the work, getting to the door is a great step but walking through isn’t easy, don’t get frustrated and just try little steps, you’re going to stumble, you’re supposed to stumble, just keep working towards going through that door
YOU CAN DO IT AND ARE WPRTH IT
And that (parents are people too) shows your evolution as a human. This will keep all baggage light.
Hi....remember you are stronger than you think. Talk to your therapist about "healing the little". And also look into EMDR therapy. It can help you refile trauma. It took you time to be where you are. It will take time to push through. But you will. Make sure you engage in self care every day. Good food, sleep, nice music, light a candle & take a nice bath, take a walk and get sunshine on your face, watch videos that make you laugh, have coffee with a friend, maybe go to church?, pray?,....take time for you. Be blessed..you are worth it!!!
Wow, Mel. This is huge. As a young father this is so important to be cognitive of. Thank you. I will continue working on myself so that I don't blah all over children. Thank you so much for your dedication to us.
I love this topic; the subconscious mind creates who we are! That includes the good parts and the blocks and limitations you have that stop you from experiencing more in life right now. For example, let's say you touch your hand on a burning hot stove when you are a kid. You don't have to think about not doing the same later on; you automatically avoid it cause your brain saved that painful feeling with the experience of what happened down in your subconscious mind *so you never do it again.* Let's say you have a mother that reacts strongly to you when you cry when you are younger, perhaps yelling at you. Then you might stop yourself from crying in the future, and you might stop speaking up. *Why?* Cause you don't want to experience the traumatic emotion of feeling abandoned or not loved by your mother ever again, so you tweak your personality and start acting in new ways. This could be why you people please later in life, why you let people walk over you, to name a few. As kids, just as Becky said, we need love and acceptance from our parents to feel safe and be okay. And we'll do *anything* to get it. Including burying parts of who we really are and taking on new negative aspects. Aspects that we have come to believe we need to have to be accepted in life, which screws us over cause we keep acting in the same way later on in life. Still stuck in our unconscious survival mechanism to escape pain.
So well explained and it's exactly where I'm at and I'm the one that wasn't allowed to cry as a child I quit crying at 15 never cried again until I was 21 because I thought that I had to hold on to the pain to survive to be stronger as a person to handle situations that were catastrophic in my life at the time and you wouldn't believe how messed up as an adult I am
God I don't. Want to loose what your commitment is here it's me all of it it makes sense concerning my childhood trumas I had
I think healing comes by doing what makes your heart sing. I live by it now.
"Find the good inside of you and create a better life"... Thank you Mel
I can’t thank you enough for bringing this guest to the podcast.
I have learned it’s okay TO WANT something! Unbelievable. And how much strings are attached to my childhood and my parents’ divorce.
I just recently discovered your channel and can’t get enough of it!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you! ❤ 5,4,3,2,1 - mirror high 5! 😂
Great episode - I was struggling with Childhood triggers and it was impacting my job this week and my growth potential. Thank you!
38:24 WOW!! I definitely see how I’ve brought my “childhood adapting behaviors” into adulthood… not good🙁. But now I’ll be mindful of it . Thank you both!!
Nobody is ever motivated by shame and guilt… wish someone had told my parents that when I was growing up…
I need to remember this, because I definitely know how true it is from personal experience, especially when responding to other peoples unwanted behaviors…
Hurt people, hurt other people.
I'm so sorry that your parents are so misguided. Do your healing work. My late dad was mi!itary n misguide. I've been on the healing path since my late teens. I just turned 65. It's do able, it takes time n patience. ❤
My grandmother TOLD my mom to discipline using guilt and shame. She didn’t know any better, so she did! I developed codependency (for more reasons than just that). Still trying to overcome it and I’m 65
I feel seen
Me thinking I grew up with great parenting and then realizing they only used guilt and shame. Then spanked me when I had my own opinion.
No wonder I'm feeling like such a horrible mom, and I'm triggered by my kid. I'm trying to help them with something I've never been taught myself.
I want more episodes like this! How internal/external factors affect human behaviour and mental health!
I learned very valuable words: don’t yell, blame or isolate yourself. Shame stops us from the track that got us up to a point that is frozenness. It’s interesting that compassion and momentum is the key to life. Assuming positive intent about life and myself keeps me on the path and separate myself from a situation.
Yes, this IS required listening! I’m spouse , a mom of a young adult, and an early childhood educator -These are concepts I’m learning about in a parenting training course I’m taking called Hand in Hand. I’m unpacking my own childhood triggers that are being brought to the surface. With this acknowledgement we must also remember that parents and children are doing the best they can with the tools and skills they have. There is always more to learn, realize, and forgive about our own childhood and our own parenting- I’m so relieved that it’s never too late to rewire our emotional selves. Peace and love
Fabulous just doing a book study on IFS love these teachers ❤❤❤❤❤
This is just explosively good. Thank you Dr. Becky and Mel...this work has been transformative to my life.
I actually ended my relationship because we triggered each other vulnerabilities. I tried to communicate that, but each time I did a series of behaviors occurred, like defensiveness, blaming, stone walling, gaslighting, exhausting. I owned my triggers and explained them, but if the other person is empty, forget it. Ring around the Rossary... oh, thanks a million for helping us, you are dynamite!! I do think we must own our behaviors, I never expected a man to pay, which might be a mistake too.
Love you Mel but can you please let your guest speak and not interrupt?
Awesome episode! I've been listening to the audio book by Gabor Maté "the myth of normal" and it resonates so much with the statement "our triggers are stories from your past..." also about the fact that some behaviours were adaptive in our childhood but are causing problems in our adult life.
I'm working on becoming a happier and assertive person and mom. Thank you Mel for your incredible work and support!
I don't want to FACE MY CHILDHOOD I am tired 59 fighting emotionally with my past
Wow I’ve been reading a lot of books about our childhood triggers and how they play out in us but never how we relate with our kids this is the best information I’ve ever heard thank you for sharing this information I will be getting the book and passing on this information
I remember reality at 3 and 4 years old, but not a lot of the surrounding emotional stuff that came with it, memory of feelings are from 5 and up. My body has older memories from a lot of things that I know in my core actually happened to me.
the stories compounded over time and it has for sure affected my life up to 66 years. LOL. I get a gut punch when others start projecting on to me stuff that is not even mine.
Yep you can vomit it all up on your kids. Even when you know what is going on, it is like a disembodied energy that you can watch go loony.
I have done the repair part for a long time now but I have to work on the core reasons for me to be in this pattern.
I was heavily wounded by my mother who shamed and poured her self hatred onto me, I was the truth teller and scapegoat for the family crap. It has been compounded by my siblings doing the same crap to me and project all the crap as being my fault for not changing to make them feel good when it is their work to do as well.
I have had to distance myself from my family to start working on the deep seated shaming that I was taught. I know some of it but you gave me new ways to work on it. Lots of crap has come up in the last 12 years and it has 180 degree affect on my life but still lots to repair.
thanks for the new tool.
I really enjoyed this podcast episode. Lots of learnings here for parenting and also for parents and non-parents to apply to their life. I had heard of Dr. Becky's podcast from our kids' pediatrician and child psychologist but I didn't pay much attention. After listening to this episode I'm listening to the audiobook "Good Inside" and it's profound. I love the approach based on the Good Inside philosophy and principles rather than timeouts, sticker charts, rewards and punishments. Looking forward to listening to the rest of the book and I'm already trying to apply principles such as "Two things are true" in parenting and to other areas.
Yes, Dr Becky. Thank you for being my voice. Our triggers are indeed stories, yes, STORIES from our past. Yes, PAST. Not right now. Not right here.
This is so good. I can see how it’s hard for me to ask for what I desire. I was told by my father that I was old enough that my wants won’t hurt me.
I also see my ex’s abandonment keeps resurfacing with our child and making her choose one parent over the other, instead of allowing her to have both.
Thanks a lot Dr Becky❤🇮🇳
I just realized that my soon-to-be ex-husband... Shames me by bringing up the past to try to make me feel guilty for things I've already asked for forgiveness for years and years ago.
The difference between a few years back when I still froze up and beat myself up and now is our recognize it when it happens when he really berates me.
Also I think he recognizes that I'm not bothered by it as much and I won't let him continue to be do his mental psychology to me. Yes he can still get to me However now I'm recognizing more and more when he does it. As though I'm a third person in the conversation looking at what he's doing to me and what I'm doing in response.
Stop interacting with him at all! Put him out of your life. You may feel dependent, and that will stop when you start gathering people who appreciate you.
Thank you so much she put into words what I was feeling and didn’t even know it. This was very enlightening. Thank you.
How about absent parents? so the memory is being lonely and bored! and now 56yrs, no direction and depress?
When I ever got triggered as a parent, before saying something I would regret, I would put everyone involved in "Mommy Timeout". That meant we each went to our bedrooms for a short amount of time to reflect on how we feel. I would then go to them, have a conversation about the situation, then hug them telling them that I love them. I tried to never shut down my children.
I always made time to allow them to look at everything in any and all types of stores, never rushing them, after a bit they would be ready to go. If they knew they had time to look a talk about different ones they would eventually be satisfied. I never had a bad experience with my children ever, often they were praised by shoppers, some clerks always remember them, for their good behavior. I always told my children they were angles sent from Heaven and we should behave as such.
They are adults now who recognize their own triggers and can regulate themselves very well being open and honest about their own needs when it comes to issues causing dysregulation.
Being self aware was of the utmost importance to me as a parent.
Yes, I’ve done that, doing what other people want me to do instead of what I want to do, I’m breaking that cycle as we speak, my mom thinks she knows what I need to do with my life when in fact it’s the opposite of what I need to do with my life and what’s best for me ❤✝️🦋
I’m starting over at 53 just left Upstate from a domestic violent engagement
And came back home to Long Island 🏝️
Gods got me ✝️
So I need to develop the part of me that stands really firmly in my own interpretation of events. It causes mayhem in your family but maybe it makes you feel more 'defended' for the next time
Assume good intent….
Everyone is capable of changing…..
That is refreshing and hopeful to hear, because so much of the videos and podcasts I consume online that talk about narcissism and stuff like that, they make it sound like certain people are just kind of evil and they will never change. And since I have a lot of narcissistic people in my life, that’s a really depressing concept to try to come to terms with…
When you say everyone, do you mean EVERYONE? Even sociopaths??
They don't change, ever.
It can be challenging for an individual to revisit experiences from their childhood, and in starting to challenge them may feel like a personal attack on what was learned then as well. Learning to rewire the brain is a long process, but is also necessary for a healing process to take place.
❤️Thanks! This is a great conversation.
🔑 Key Words: Self-abandonment.
I really appreciated Mel for bringing up the topic of self-abandonment when it comes to the challenge of keeping promises or commitments to your self @47:07.
I feel grateful for how Dr. Kennedy's demonstration of what a loving inner dialogue or inner self talk looks and sounds like with or without a dash of humor.
Mel u r truly saving the world since everyone needs to hear and can relate. Hugs xoxo
Wow!!! I’m crying good, happy, tears of relief. Thank you for letting me know I’m not a monster. Thank you both❤
Great content! You should also check out this book called, "The Art of Patience: Nurturing Happy and Confident Children". It helped me out so much.
I'd like to hear the guest finish their thoughts.
Sorry that maybe sounded rude it's nothing personal a lot of show hosts do this. I know they get swept up in the topic I'm sure.
Wow... this was the best. So touched by both of you. I have a lot of work to do but it doesn't seem impossible anymore.
You got this ❤️
During my childhood I experienced abuse in my family of origin. They don’t grasp that. Then during the start of my schooling years. This never ceased! I’ve lost out on so much re: healthy relationship connections. An education that I really needed but couldn’t get cause of my ADHD & Learning differences that were never understood or believed in, thus couldn’t be properly educated in the way I needed. Then friendships were really difficult to make & keep for a long time & truly included in. As a child was always told (on my crescent where I lived) my last name was used & then heard go home-we don’t wanna play with you!) That happened too much times to count! Then any boyfriends were from really dysfunctional families themselves! Oh, wonderful! I’ve never had a “truly healthy relationship with any males period. I experience my own brother 6 yrs & 6 days older than me still treating me with a degree of disrespect, demeaning, devaluating, etc. I really wonder if he’s even really aware how he’s affecting me on whatever level. Been told by a woman in church that’s she’s observed me quietly & seeing very similar behaviour patterns in me as she’s seeing in many of her clients! She’s stated that she’s observed emotional dysregulation. I can’t control my emotions. Am very very sensitive & can & do cry 😭 at the drop of a hat! It’s a very real thing/issue. Not something made up!!! My parents were not meant to be married to each other. Their marriage was very unhealthy in a majority of ways! I’m the 5th sibling & have wished that I hadn’t been born! I’m now in my early 60s! Still suffering to this day. 2023!!! Really?! Hoping desperately for correct & precisely needed counselling by a counsellor who sincerely grasps/understands exactly what & how I’ve been feeling & experienced/experiencing to this day?! I’m truly so incredibly tired of this. Thus so much crying 😭! Can’t seem to win in being clearly understood & have my feelings & experiences validated & get the tools 🛠 to fix all this. Otherwise I’m ready to GIVE UP!!! Really find Mel Robbins videos interesting! Thanks Mel!
My first memory is waking at night with something poking in my back (it was a muscle twitch) I turn to see what it was and nothing was there. I looked through bars (cot bars) and saw two lumps in the bed, of course I didn't know it was mum and dad, I was too young but it was the fear I felt that helped me remember it. My father was a cruel man.
Love you Mel❤🇮🇳
So much more helpful and real than the ridiculous "medium" stuff! Thank you for getting back to reality with this episode. I was really starting to worry about the direction this podcast was going. It was starting to feel very Sylvia Brown. I don't always agree with everything you post, and I appreciate that because it's healthy to entertain outside perspectives; but I definitely worry when I see delusional "psychics" or "mediums" or whatever nonsense that was.
Oh my gosh. This resonates with me!!! Especially doing what I didn't want to do!!
Dr Becky Kennedy: Good inside of You. Tools to PHD Columbia U; talk for everyone; about your Childhood We are gonna fix that.
Eye-opening! Thank you for this great discussion. Mel, I wish you didn’t interrupt your guests at the most crucial part of their remarks… it’s frustrating when you interrupt them in the middle of what they are saying (not at the natural interlocutor turn-taking pauses) and then start narrating a whole personal story about yourself…Other than that, you host brilliant speakers and share very valuable content. Thank you.
So powerful, I love you Mel but so many interruptions I really wanted to continue hearing Dr Becky thoughts
If I yelled at my kids or my dog, it wasn't because of my past, it was typically because they weren't listening after 20 times of my being calm.😂 I understand the difference. I came from an abusive home, there's a difference. I really hope this would be helpful for me but it's not.
Every time the Dr tried to explain Mel interrupted, which became extremely confusing
This was so incredibly enlightening and I will definitely listen to this again and again and make sure I capture every part of it. Thank you so much for posting!
It is hard to listen this blonde woman yelling while talking. I am trying to pick up informations but can’t 😢
We can't blame our parents for or how we was raised We have to understand like this lady said in the beginning we repeat the pattern from generation to the next in some sort of way, we can change that by renewing our minds or actions catching ourselves our reactions to situations it's horrible that we don't see this child hood parenting trauma experiences until most of the time when we have our own children anything between that we thinking it's us we operating off of the auto pilot from that still childhood up bringing in some way or another. It's alot to unpack here I agreed with some stuff and understood some.
It’s wonderful and really helpful but the Dr voice is a trigger why does she have to yell??😫
I already know I'm good inside...I also know humans on this planet don't deserve my good inside.
So you show your bad side?
I love this, but I'm afraid it's too late, there's no eraser that can erase imprints on a cellular level in my children's bodies, the only thing I can do now is to change my behavior and hope for the best.
I wish Mel Robbins allows the guest to speak. She keeps interfering.
I can't cope with any rejection, it immediately triggers me and i start outwardly loathing myself and the person who triggered me.
My traumatic, loveless and neglected childhood has completely destroyed my ability for love and intimacy.
I have a lot of memories. My father force feeding my sibling her own vomit. He would laugh in my face and call me stupid repeatedly until I agreed that I was stupid. I saw great pleasure on his face when he dealt out cruel and unusual punishments and insults.
We'd all be completely terrified upon him arriving home from work every day.
My mum, morbidly obese and too busy rocking back and forth listening to country music on her recliner chair. She blocked out the abuse.
You can heal you. But you need help. A good therapist specialized in trauma. EMDR can be used to start to process the severe trauma`s you experienced. I was very traumatized and had EMDR from a psychologist and I still have a very good haptotherapist and helps healing me step by step. Becoming more loving towards me. Being able to be more intimate with others. I prepared for a long road to go and it is. But I am totally worth it. I hope you will find help and wish you all the best. You are worth it.
Mel i want you to know, you are making a difference in my life. 💞💞💞💞💞💞💞
I think we might have the same daughter Mel. Some valuable insights here
I could relate to almost all of it and already shared to 6 of my counseling clients! Excellent video thank you so much!
Thank you SO much for this conversation! ♥
Spectacular opportunityfor personal INSIGHTS!!
💥EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN TO THIS!!💥
Mel, your facial expressions are priceless! Your authentic self is reacting to this topic~it's a total GIFT to watch you learn & process this info. (I had the same question about having the SAME BODY as born with)
As ALWAYS THANK YOU!!
📢 Tech consideration: This taped very softly. I turned up the volume & almost lost my hearing when the ad came on🙄😉
my whole family disowned me at 5 years old they said i belong to the land lord 🙏❤️😊
Greetings from Italy! Go Mel!!
Well can't thank you enough...
Felt relieved to know that we can correct the damages
Mel, I have “discovered” you a week or so and so pissed that I missed you show! Mel, you rock! Glad you have podcast so I can learn anytime!😊
I am very aesthetic so don’t take this the wrong way. It looks like your in a soundproof room, but you are so light like spring, but the room needs more light colors to reflect you!😊
Thank you ❣️
Now i know i am not crazy for talking to myself and also how i came to be me. I knew but jet again didn’t …
Never realized that the triggers ARE telling ME MY complete story, the parts i did not know. Now i can let others of the hook 😂In other words stop blaming them for my nasty emotions. Working very hard on the 2023 version of myself 😅😁
Mel always saying, wait what??? And hold on!😂
The woman in the pink needs to work on her voice, her voice fads in and out,
AWESOME!!! 🙌🙌🙌And FUN!!! I loved it!!! 💗💗💗💗 Thank you!
Amazing video! ❤ Thank you.
Oh you didn't say: hey its your friend Mel 😊 i missed that🥰
my children disown me 17 years ago ❤❤❤
This was amazing. Thanks!
I wish there was a part 2. It would be great to hear more about speaking up and how it can be done in different scenarios. This is a big struggle for me.
I would like to hear more also.
Can dreams give you trauma, as a child or adult??
I appreciate the flow of the conversation
Oh this is going to be put into a bookmark so I do NOT lose it and I can reference it later so I can go back over and over and process so much.
Thank you BOTH 💖💖
This triggered a family story of my dad getting frustrated with me as a baby. I was told I wouldn't stop crying so he took me to the bathroom, turned on the cold water in the tub ad stuck my baby self under the faucet !
Oh my! I am so sorry this happened to you!!
Mel no wonder you’re number one I’ve loved you from a far for many many years and you make me think and use my processing skills I enjoy and relate to your podcasts and just about everything you do thank you
Good girls get married before they move out.
Thank you for helping me heal! 🎉
Oooops you didn’t agin…..❤❤❤❤
Thank you for spreading awareness about such an important and life altering topic!
I love you. I loved this and needed to hear it this morning. Thank you