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Is YOUR Best Friend AUTISTIC?
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- Опубликовано: 17 авг 2024
- Which of your closest friends is autistic? How would you know if they didn't tell you? If you think you'd know for certain, maybe this video will prove you right?
#EngageAutism #AutismAcceptance #actuallyautistic
00:00 Intro
01:22 They look different
03:25 Not that kind of "look"
04:53 The mask
06:07 Nerds - everywhere!
07:34 The socials
09:45 Little circles
12:04 Why not?
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I am autistic and I have a friend who I also think is autistic, but she doesn't think she is, because she can read people (but hey, so can I, sometimes, I think, perhaps).
She can believe whatever she wants to believe, her happiness is none of my business. She knows everything there is to know about the Titanic though. :)
This is awesome! I missed a chance to make a great, local new friend. I was into that mobile phone Pokemon game a few years ago, that was location based, and you could buy incubators and hatch eggs while walking. I encountered a gentlemen a smidge older than I, walking with 2 phones. He ignored me completely, but then I asked him if he was catching pokemon too. He talked pokemon for 5 minutes straight, as we walked together and captured the critters. He freely shared many tips and tricks to help my game. And then we parted, never to be seen again. My loss, if you ask me.
I can "read" people as well, but I'm still autistic. Understanding social cues & non-verbal behavior is not a determining factor on whether or not someone is autistic. Obviously, it does play a role, but the reason why autism is a spectrum is because it manifests differently in each autistic person. There are different levels of severity for each autistic trait and we may express certain traits differently from others. My younger brother, who is also autistic, can't handle being around screaming kids, whereas screaming kids don't really bother me but a fly buzzing around me will annoy the crap out of me.
If she's interested, I'd suggest reading the book Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. I'd suggest this book to autistic and allistic folks, everyone should read it. There's so much good information in it and different exercises you can do. One of the exercises ask you to think about autism stereotypes you've seen in the media and how has it shaped your views of autism. One of the biggest stereotypes portrayed in media is that autistic people can't understand non-verbal & social cues, and one of the reasons I (like your friend) thought I couldn't be autistic was because I do understand those cues (my brother doesn't, which is probably one of the reasons why he's been diagnosed since he was a kid and I only found out about mine this year at 34 years old). Also, we both have ADHD, which I was only diagnosed with 3 years ago, so having both is it's own unique experience as well.
One thing people should know is that, according to the double empathy hypothesis, which actually holds quite a bit of water, having an autistic best friend may be the best sign you’re autistic yourself.
I sent a video to my exes that said there was a high chance they were autistic too lol. It was humorous and made to sounds like an STD lol
Does it go the other way? I'm autistic. I sometimes wonder if my best friend is autistic, purely because I feel like I understand, communicate with, and "read" her better than pretty much anyone else (except my wife). In my experience, people I can understand, communicate with, and "read", are likely to be autistic, too. But it's also possible that I've gotten to know her well enough that I can do a much better job interpreting her non-verbal communication.
3:04 me wearing the decade-old hoodie with the design that's almost completely faded, because it's really soft inside and the fabric doesn't touch my neck.
I have a T-shirt featuring the Avengers (in a 1970s marvel style) bursting into action, with the legend "Lad's Night Out" on it (coincidentally) which I loved for the same reasons. I wore it for years and it was the softest, most comfortable garment I've ever owned. I cried when finally it wasn't wearable.
My red thin sweater
I feel truly happy, truly safe, truly in my colour in in. It is getting frayed, I’m afraid, soon to be relegated as « inside clothes »
The neck thing, yes! That's a thing for me, too.
@@E.Pierro.Artist I can't wear ties.
Same@@RaunienTheFirst
She told me. We've been BFF's since we were 13 & 14. We're 48 & 49. She wasn't diagnosed until we were in our 40's. We were weirdos in different ways but our weirdness fit. They still do
That is beautiful!
@@faeriesmak I'm genuinely blessed to have the relationship we have. We might not see each other for 6 months but the conversation starts like I just walked back in the room after stepping out for a minute. It's joyful
@@AlexirLife Those are the best kinds of friendships to have. I am lucky in that I also have one of those, but my friend also has about a million friendships that are similar. I believe that she is also autistic but she is a VERY socially active, extroverted autistic!
@@faeriesmak Aren't we lucky?
@@faeriesmak Does she have ADHD? Those of us with both can appear more extroverted and social than someone who is only autistic (it doesn't mean we are actually extroverted, but the ADHD social butterfly side can sometimes mask the introverted autistic side).
Thanks for the interesting video! It took me 48 years to realize I was autistic. I assumed everyone else thought and experienced life like I do. I told my few close friends on my Birthday and they all basically said "We know". My autistic friend John first suggested I might be too over a year ago. Months of research, self reflection, and talking to friends, family, and the community later and I finally know who I am :)
Since me discovering my own autism…all of my friends are suddenly coming out of the woodwork with diagnoses too 🤣😂 my sweet kindred spirits - sharing about yourself inspires others to do the same ♥️
The joke's cruel: with my best friend, we've been throwing 'autistic' at each other's weird behaviours for years, in a playful but kind of derogatory manner. 10 years later, I turned out to be actually autistic. He laughed hard but wasn't surprised. Now, it would have been cool to check him too. There are no good professionals to get a diagnosis where he lives, but we'll start with tests online)
Thanks for commenting, and it might not surprise you that I've heard people say similar things before. The main positive that I hope comes out of this is that people you know will hold a less derogatory view of autistic folks in general. Whatever you discover, I hope you continue to have a rewarding friendship 😊
@@quinndexter6727 Thank you! After the late diagnosis, my existing friendships haven't changed. But, well, all the current attempts and relationships with new people changed drastically. At least for me.
I remember being super heartbroken when my "best" friend at age 12 told me i wasn't her best friend, and was in fact one of two "good" friends. She never mentioned her other friend before, for a whole year. Turns out it's her neighbor. I took it really hard. Didn't know I was autistic and needed the friendship defined sooner. I let that friendship fade because i was so embarassed i'd been mistaken about my "bestie" status.
This has been my experience, too. Somebody is my “best” friend, but, to them, I am just “a” friend. And figuring that out hurts a lot when you don’t understand that you aren’t neurotypical and that NTs can actually have multiple really good friends. It felt like a huge betrayal that, looking back understanding that I am autistic and see friendships differently, wasn’t actually a betrayal.
Briefly mentions science fiction conventions and then minutes later sounds the Star Trek red alert. Nice
Great advice not just for showing solidarity and openness for autisrics but folks from other marginalized groups. Thanks Quinn! 💜
I've come to realize that all the long-lasting friendships I've had were with other ND or autistic individuals. My two closest friends from college have OCD and ADHD respectively, and my close friend I met back in middle school suspects she is autistic as well.
I seem to be able to make 'a friend' but that friend always fades after a few years. Friends seem to want to not be just one-on-one, but to mingle and share with others, a 'party' being the most horrific example of mingling. I also don't know who should call whom first because I don't want to come across as needy. Also, spending an hour or two with a friend is okay - but not the entire day, and definitely not a sleep-over.
With relationships: All my partners have said I'm not the person they fell for, after we began living together. I can wear my mask for periods at a stretch but not day and night for months on end. And who invented the rule that says if your partner is invited somewhere, you must also attend?
It's weird for me that I loathe going to the supermarket but am quite relaxed at an airport. I guess it's because at an airport I won't run into anyone I sort of know, but at the supermarket that is very likely, and at the supermarket the checkout person invariably asks how I am and have I had a nice day, which is absurd. A partner once said to me: 'You look like you don't belong anywhere.' I' m not sure if they were referring to my facial expression or my choice of clothes, but both are likely.
There seems to be a lot of authentic comments here. The world often doesn't seem to take kindly to authenticity, but I appreciate it, and I always feel less alone (and more understood) after watching an Autistamatic video and reading these comments.
I told my mom one time I was having a party at my place and who was coming and she said, "that's not a party," which to me, in my head, if I have 3 friends over at the same time and there's food and drinks involved, it's a party. 😂
I don't get why spending an entire day with a friend is not ok. 🤷🏽♀ I use to do that with my best friend in college all the time. Not so much these days cause we're all pretty busy, but once in a while we'll find an activity we're all interested in and make a day of it. It's lots of fun.
Masking all the time, day and night is exhausting, which is why sometimes when my family is staying over, I'll go in my room and shut my door and basically that's their cue to leave me the hell alone. Also, I'm willing to bet it was a NT who invented the rule that if your partner is invited somewhere, you should attend as well (stupid rule imo). Unless it's an important event that's honoring/celebrating your partner or something (like a graduation) let people have their own thing. Just cause you're a couple doesn't mean you have to do everything together; have they never heard of codependency?
The supermarket/airport thing makes sense to me cause it makes me think about how I HATE having even 1 fly buzzing around me, but a classroom full of screaming kids is not a big deal. 🤷🏽♀
Also, people asking how you are or if you're having a good day is absurd cause we know they don't really care. They're only asking to seem "polite." I hate small talk so much.
@@VanessaMarieBooks Spending a day with a friend is an overload for me. Last time it involved going to three art exhibitions, coffee before and after (that's five hours), then going back to her house and her asking me to stay and chat with her partner and herself. That is just too much.
@@msimons7440 Got it, I think I misunderstood your comment the first time. I thought you were saying based on societal rules, we should only spend an hour or two with friends, not a whole day or a sleepover. That’s why I didn’t get it; I was thinking, “why wouldn’t it be ok to spend a day with a friend?” But you were actually saying, for your type of neurospicy brain, you can only handle an hour or two with a friend before it gets to be too much. That makes sense.
I'm Autumn Rose, and I'm autistic ❤❤❤❤
With our ten steps you can get better! Lol jk
It is believable from how you wrote it. 😅
@punitadatta lol, no joke! 🤦♀️🤭❤️🙏🫶🪷
If they don't know either, and you follow the suggestion at the end of the video, they might just go on an information exploration and find out for themselves - which could be really helpful for them, especially with a best friend to hash it out with.
Happened to me.
Friend told me "Ain't no way you're not autistic"
And I was like "Absolutely not"
So then I did 4 weeks of intense research and looked back at my life. And...
Yeah. He was right. It's shocking how well it explains a lot of the struggles I've had, that I, previously, just shrugged off.
Interesting topic, Quinn.
I feel like [for me] it's pretty easy to tell [if someone else is autistic], but I'm autistic myself, so it's a bit different.
I feel like being educated about ASD is really what will help you be able to tell.
12:24 i think i have to add one more reason: They are not sure if they are autistic and dont want to selfdiagnose because they are absolutly not sure if they really are
Late diagnosed of 4 years ago. So cruel when you form a close friendship and they act like they reciprocate but don't really see you as a friend really
I am officially adding 'autistipeeps' to my vocabulary. :)
I love that!
A very good video. The strategy you recommend at the end would certainly work for me. There is no chance I could resist talking about it. It might be hard to get me to stop, though.
Oh yes my daughter is fabulous at masking. In school but out of school we sure know she's autistic. I'm struggling to get anyone to look at even assessing her because school don't see anything 😢
I am sorry. I am lucky that my sons high school had such a good special education program that they sent him for further testing when I was just trying to get accommodations for his ADHD struggles. This didn’t come without years of fighting his previous schools and having them deny him services even though they were the ones telling me that he was having some problems. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck.
That's pretty much the pattern matching I do whenever I get to know people. And the hit rate is close to 100%.
I have known I was autistic at an early age. This was in the 70s My diagnosis was my own since it wasn’t really recognized at that time.
I got kicked out of Second grade just for reading. I wasn’t supposed to read yet according to my teacher. I never actually attended middle school. I was just beginning ninth grade at new school. After the first month there I found out about a nation wide testing in high school. I ended up taking the test too because our 9th graders were put in the same school as high school because of overcrowding.
I was the last one to get my test scores. They wanted to do one more test on me. The results were hand delivered to my parents and principal. I was told that my lucky numbers are 16. SAT-1650. IQ-165. I didn’t even know what being in the upper 99% meant.
I was told that I really didn’t have be in this school. I wasn’t being challenged enough in their curriculum. So here’s the bottom line: I had only had 5 classes in elementary school. I never really attended high school. My high school gave me the red carpet treatment. Anything I needed they’d go out of their way to get it for me. I could wander around the school and stop in any class I wanted to. But I couldn’t tell anyone or I would have to attend classes. Here’s the rub, I found out that I was a part of the upper 99%. In the Midwest but I was the highest scoring in all Minnesota! I was told that I have put their school on the map for having the highest score in Minnesota. I was also told, that I had to keep it SECRET or it would crush the honor role students who had been studying for this all year. Although I could leave school anytime, I decided to stay and hang out with my friends. So how do I know if I’m autistic? I never really went to school but I could be accepted by any college in America!
My best friend is 2 cats
Another excellent video. Loved the Michael Palin Ripping Yarns inclusion. I loved watching that show in my youth.
As for standing out due to our "fashion sense" .. I've always dressed oddly. I have about 50 asst crsvats because I don't like wearing ties. I dress on the more formal side of smart-casual. The linen suit or the three piece tweed XD hardly practical.. but certainly a very "Pete Look"
"Comfortable" means many things. Physical comfort is most important for many of us and it's certainly my priority of late, but for me that's because my lifestyle now permits me to favour ease & simplicity. When I worked with other people, especially in a "professional" capacity, I dressed to favour *social* comfort. The "look" was a much bigger consideration & I erred towards the smart & formal until I gave up on the idea of a conventional career path. The challenge was to find a balance between sensory needs, social convention and my own expression. Cravats didn't figure, but muttonchop sideburns and weskits did.
How cultural expectations like fashion interlace with autistic sensibilities is a topic all on it's own IMO 🤔
It was me. I was the autistic friend.
Or, that is, my friend who turned out to be autistic after his daughter was diagnosed struggled approaching me about what he suspected was my own autism. He had just learned about it and was talking with me in the hopes that I would catch on.
After 3 years or so, I finally did. At the time there was just to much going on my life to add that to the mix, but once things settled down it couldn't have been more obvious.
I want to wear historical costumes and folk clothing, and instead of wanting and dreaming I just do it often because they're incredibly comfortable and nobody is going to stop me 😊
I'm a gothy one since my youth as well (not a true Goth, but goth-ic).
I wear whatever fits my mood and is physically comfortable. Two consistent factors is there must be long sleeves and natural fibers.
Same
The sound effects slay me! Grange Hill intro speaks through the decades! 😂❤
Love your content, love the transition @8:32.
The like % is incredible ... 2,600 views, with 361 likes, strong testament to the quality of your work. Cheers!
I had a friend for over 20 years with an autistic son. Neither of them ever said they thought I may be autistic too. I haven't seen him since I was diagnosed, but I don't think he would believe me if I did tell him.
Why don't you think he'd believe you?
I too, was a teen goth!
I think I use a similar technique for ascertaining if someone is LGBT. Drop in things I've heard, read, seen, different talking points or signifiers that show I have an interest and therefore safe to open up to. My old boss had a rainbow mask on once, and I said to her, I love your mask it's very LGBT! It was a gamble, but it was how I found out she was gay. "I am very LGBT!"
I loathe being forced to make eye contact, took me 20 years to learn that.
My mom never let me have any noisy stims.
I wish we didnt have to hide ourselves from the general population in order to survive.
If you are autistic, the friends and relationships you have made over your life that have been the strongest, had the easiest rapport and you had the easiest communication with, the chances are those people are also autistic, have ADHD or both.
I have found this to be wildly accurate.
When things reach that critical mass where people break into groups, the Auditory Processing Disorder kicks in and I can't hear what someone is saying. I also experience anxiety because I don't think I fit into any of the groups
I can’t follow conversations or actually make out what people are saying in groups and just end up doing a lot of smile and nod, smile and nod. Then I need to go home and sleep for a week. 😂
@@faeriesmak That's exactly how I feel. It's completely exhausting sitting there and hearing the barrage of a group of voices, desperately trying to process them, and being unable to do it. I've spent most of my life being unable to hear or understand people in groups and them not knowing why. I also didn't know why myself, but I could tell something wasn't right with me
@@N4BWR I have had the same experience. Not being able to process what people in groups are saying and not knowing why. Meeting a group of people at a restaurant is one of the most difficult things. They are usually noisy and once a group is larger than about a total of 3-4 people I am totally lost. I cannot follow anything. It is like being trapped in a whirlwind of sound.
@@faeriesmak That perfectly describes how it is for me. I can vividly remember situations in which someone in a group at a restaurant was a few seats away and saying something to me and they felt like it was funny or ridiculous that i literally understood nothing of what they were saying.
Star Trek Conventions and baking contests... Ow I dont wanna baseball in my face!
I feel called out. hehe being silly. This video is relatable in so many ways.
Best friendships I've had are usually with other autistics like myself.
There is also the fact that Autism is used as a derogatory slur. We are factually seen as lesser and used as an insult. That adds to the burden of telling anyone. What surprises me is it isn't okay to say the n word though you can literally take an entire group of people and use them as slur to hurt others. I don't see a difference. Sure the former word has a deep history though it's nowhere near the same as taking a literal group of people and using them as a slur. There are so many reasons we might not tell you. Over text they blend in very well and you would never know.
There is also the fact that in telling people think we are stating we need special treatment and there is a stigma in just telling people. I just want you to know so you know why I do things a certain way. I don't care about special treatment. If I mess up tell me so I can correct it and avoid doing it again. Don't just yell at me and expect me to know what I did wrong. Don't just think I want you to coddle me. Help me grow as a person. It's all anyone of us want.
Actually the word is cognate with negro, which means black, and it's used to refer to a whole group of people, so it is an even stronger support of your argument than you realized..
I live in a town of about 5,000 people. The closest city where I might be able to meet other Autistic people is 45 minutes away driving but I have major anxiety with driving so that's actually way too far. I'm very much alone here.
Social gatherings become increasingly more difficult to maneuver with the increasing number of participants because of the hive mind: everyone settles on a frequency band of thought and they lose their individuality. We, as autists, I believe, are unable to limit ourselves in such a manner and thus will fall out of sync with the gathering altogether.
None of the three sir. I subscribe to you. So I watch my inbox.
I hide because I dont want to be hit with shame and blame from others.
Also, I already know my best friends are autistic (as am I). I have no need to ask what I already know.
I'm awaiting a diagnosis at age 32 😅. I'd eqaute My journey of self advocacy to the scene from the planet of the apes when the chimpanzee says no 😂. It's changed my life, I always knew I was probably autistic from when I was about 14 years old when I met somebody else who was diagnosed and the realisation hit me that they was just like me. At the time I just tried to brush it off as me not wanting to confirm to all of the stupid social rules we're expected the follow but I could never get the thought out of my head and I developed a really intense obsession with this person. A couple years later I went to a summer camp with him and just spent my entire time there watching him. It probably sounds really creepy but it was interesting seeing how he changed his behaviour around other people to blend in.
I like to think of masking like Schrödinger's cat, people act differently when they're being observed to when they aren't being observed. I'm trying to fall more on the "alive" side of this thought experiment these days by being myself and not worrying what other people might think 😅.
Very well explained. Hope this goes both ways as ever! ❤
Social situation with group large enough that discussion splits into 2 or more? That is nightmare. I will not be able to fallow any.
Thank you for this video.
Thank you Quinn, this is really interesting.
I recognise it in people sometimes. But depending on how well u know them depends on if u should tell them Ur thoughts x
"Take a look in our wardrobe." Still LMAO. Autistic or not; practicality trumps fashion and preparedness trumps pain every time.
I think people just expect women to ♀️ to be weird.
So don't notice it in women..
😂😂😂
"Is YOUR Best Friend AUTISTIC?"
No, but thanks for asking.
Was Bart Simpson autistic? His wardrobe would suggest it lol
Lisa probably was too!
@@faeriesmak agreed
most cartoon characters repeat outfits though
@@RavinBallard yes, but Bart is the only one ik of that we actually see his closet is truly all the same clothes. It's appeared in a few episodes. We don't notice it in others because why draw them differently each time, but no emphasis is given tho pointing it out. In the Simpsons, they show that they're not lazy lol, he really only does wear the same outfit, of which he has multiple of the same shirt and shorts.
@@Baptized_in_Fire. it’s much more to it than a wardrobe