A parent can have multiple children but you can only have one mother and one father. They can afford to discard you if you are ungrateful but you can afford to deny your roots. When we trim the leaves of a plant, they regrow but when we cut off the roots, it dies.
@marvelousoui4393 I glad you seem to have a great relationship with both patents/guardians. I get where you are coming from with your opinion, but why minimize a person's worth to owing their parent or not losing touch with your roots/you can be replaced? That is an apathetic view on traumatic experiences and the ability to enforce the concept 'no, never again'. I have no contact with my father, but my sister is working on having a relationship with him. I can see him as a person with scars of his own or flaws, doesn't mean I should force myself to forgive trauma and fear he gave me during my most vulnerable years of life. Adult children who do this are not being rash, holding grudges, or missing out on a relationship. They are deciding to live the fullest life possible without trying to put in constant effort to please their abusers. I worked to have a relationship with my dad but realized, at 18, that he would continue to hurt me and my sister. I would continuously be harmed. Also, don't ever have more than one child with the expectation of discarding or expecting them to care for you if you raise them. How you treat your kids will determine the relationship later in life.
@@mechaniraThey are talking about how family members would rather silence victims and hide the wrong doing of their abusive or even rapist family members to keep the family from looking bad
@@mechaniraFor real? I'll tell you that in many cultures, having an outwardly successful, shiny public image is something that must be protected at all costs. If the reality is one of abuse, neglect and rampant narcissism, and a child "outs" his/her parents as being crappy parents, the fury of the family will fall on them - because now everyone knows they're actually shitty people instead of the paragons of virtue and hood parenting they want to portray themselves as.
I victim blame those who victim blame. They are shocked when you use their words against them. It puts them into the position of a victim being blamed because they feel like they are the victim in that situation.
I am being the bigger person by not allowing myself to be engaged by behaviour that isn't acceptable, and pivoting my energy towards constructive loving endeavours.
@@ssboschky When you don't engage with unacceptable behavior you are passively letting it continue to exist. I understand that this is very difficult to deal with terrible behavior and I think it isn't our job to fix everyone. What we do need is not turn a blind eye to bad behavior. We can't just say "yeah this is bad, but I'm not gonna do anything about it because it's a waste of time". If we can't convince the person doing the terrible thing, we can at least convince others that they shouldn't be like this.
@@htpkey yeah, like say something. just don't accknowledge their stupidity. but don't stay quiet. your words are the most important. you are NOT as small as they want you to be. as they try to make you believe. you are much much louder and wiser. as long as we can handle it and it doesn't cost us our mental health, baby steps, absolutely. that's a hard one. need the right tools hah Not easy but not impossible! ☺️🤗
It's strange how people expect you to be the bigger person when, beforehand, they treated you like you were so small that you were practically invisible to them
And we also have PEACE! When family members are upset by truth telling, I feel compassion for them; because it comes from a place of fear. My actions are shaking their reality and it's scary. I get it. It's not going to change MY life, but I get it; and they're allowed to cope in whatever way they choose.
I didn’t want to go no contact with my mom. I loved her so much. For years I tried to make things work, bending to her will and playing her game. But there’s always a breaking point. The pain eventually outweighed the love and I had to leave. Going no contact with a parent is never an easy decision.
So this. For 40 years I tried to make it work, in any way you mentioned and more, untill I gave up. It was always so stressfull and hurtful. How I wish I had a different relationship, loving and caring. I see her on birthdays, christmas and easter, and that's enough.
Family’s always be like: Why can’t you just take abuse so that way we don’t have to stand up to the abuser because that’s inconvenient for us?? So selfish! 🙄🙄
I stopped talking to my dad for seven months. Nonstop did I hear family members say you should fix your relationship, you should check up on him as if what he did to me was insignificant and that I shouldn't be hurt by the things he said and did to me. I eventually started talking to my dad again and started rebuilding a relationship. But one thing that really pissed me off is when I mentioned that he sends me money twice a month (*I'm a college student and he rather me not work), and my aunt literally said "aren't you glad that you started talking to your dad again, since he's sending you money." I think that seven months of not talking really helped us, but that comment really disgusted me , as if I'm supposed to have someone in my life who really hurt me stay in it because they are helping to pay for stuff. That's like saying to someone "you should stay in a abusive relationship even though they abuse you at least they take care of you"
It’s so true! My step dad is bipolar and unmedicated and always has been. Been physically and emotionally abusive to me and I would stand up for myself and all my mom would do is say “you’re both acting like children”. Difference is I was a child and he was a grown man that knows better. I haven’t talked to him in nearly two years and the whole time my mom would push to me talking to him whenever I see him at family events. There’s a reason I refuse to talk to him and that’s an apology I’m never going to get. He put his hands on me and my ex saw it so he beat the shit out of him. And when it blew over he apologized to my ex who beat the shit out of him but not me who he beat the shit of. It just shows he doesn’t respect me and I can’t stand how my mom and other family members can say I’m being childish for refusing to talk to him but I have told everyone. All I want is an apology and then I’ll consider making small talk. He knows it everyone knows it and after 2 years still nothing.
That's so we'll said. Thank you for sharing this. There's so many of us that have lived thru this. I wish more ppl understand they are NOT alone. That single fact, that I was not alone, helped me feel so much better. I hope it helps someone else.
The truth has power! My best friend didn't grieve at all when her mother and father died. She thought something was wrong with her. That is until she went to a seminar on family abuse and child truth teller. She said she felt free for the first time in her life.😊
Your friend probably had already grieved the loss of her parents before they died. She grieved the ones she never had. So there was nothing left to grieve for.
My abusive father took his anger on our dog too (slammed his head on the floor, kicked him in the ribs and he flew halfway across the apartment...) sooo what if they answer yes? T-T Well i do think my family would hate him after hearing that he hit the dog, but why is hitting his wife and daughter not enough...?
My dad hit and kicked my dogs when mad at them. Now the first one is scared of random objects and jumps at noise. 😁 I was the autistic kid, unfortunately. You can imagine how my relationship with my father is.
"if theres one thing a family hates more than an abuser, its a truth-teller" is one of the hardest truths I've ever had to accept. Even my siblings who agree with me and also understand the extent of my mom's abuse (especially to me as the only daughter) hate the fact that I won't just accept it and humor her
Have you read Jeannette McCurdays new autobiography? Really might be relatable. She writes about the relationship with her narcissistic mother as the only daughter
@@Raddiebaddie Yes, it's incredible ❤️ I was so happy she was able to write about her experience because it started such an important conversation. She has done so much for victims of parental narcissistic abuse
Your probably the problem. Just thought you should know. Normal people dont go on the internet and talk badly about family even if their in the right. Im assuming the guy in the video he is the problem too. I dont care if people cut of bad family members. But people who will trash on anyone in front of strangers for likes and attention. In my experience they are the real shitty people. Just putting that out there do with it as you please.
@@captaintony1227 i actually didnt do any of the things you mentioned here but i'm sorry if you are easily triggered, upset or confused. i recommend just not engaging with content that makes you feel this way because it seems like a waste of valuable energy and it's causing you to make assumptions or "fill in the blanks" about strangers. i tend to find that people who seek out content they don't agree with and reply to comments with unrelated rants and judgments are generally unstable and easily offended. you could probably benefit from grounding exercises and doing a mental inventory on why you make those assumptions. it seems as though you are just projecting but who am I to say!
Literally this, my siblings directly experienced the abuse and my older brother still thinks I should talk to her again. She abused him too, being a mother means nothing if you treat your kids the way she did us, as far as I’m concerned she was an egg donor and an incubator
It's funny how we put more expectations and responsibilities on the children in these circumstances than the people who were supposed to be the mature adults.
The thing I find most people don't realize, people want to have a good relationship with their parents. In fact, they will often do everything they can to nurture a healthy relationship with a parent. So when someone goes no-contact with their parent, it's an incredible indictment of that parent that they were so awful not even their kid wanted to be around them.
No one seems to be talking about parents who DIDN’T harm their children being ghosted. I was a devoted, loving mother, involved in my grown chidren’s and grandchildren’s lives. Our family had problems caused by someone else years ago. Eventually two of my children scapegoated ME and ghosted me with zero explanation and zero contact.. its so unfair to m grandkids and me.
@nancyoldham In my experience, kids, minor or adult, especially adult kids would never want to separate themselves from their parents without a reason. Unless they are both psychopaths. But if they're not, you should really do some soul searching, because I find that most parents NEVER, EVER, NEVER think they could be wrong regarding interactions with their kids, or that they could have possibly ever done anything to hurt their kids or put them in harms way, whether directly or indirectly. And I promise you, if you are a parent and you think that way, YOU ARE DEAD WRONG. There is a reason your kids don't want your grandchildren around you.
@@angel-mq2mo I’m not one of those, and my story is complicated and a bit different. I agree that most people don’t want to separate from their parents. You would not even believe the soul searching I’ve done, including a ton of therapy. I just want to point out there ARE exceptions sometimes. To not recognize this is to further the stigma of alienation, which is why a lot of people don’t talk about this. People need to keep an open mind and see that all is not so black and white, and there can be many, many facets to this heartbreaking and common problem.
It is lonely. But idgaf about sugarcoating the truth and I will call out anyone in my family, including my mother and my stepdad, for unwarranted behavior or lying. And they know it too.
When I went no contact with my parents and stopped putting in the effort to have a relationship, nobody ever tried to call me or reach out, it was a hard pill to swallow. I made the decision to not go and see my father when his time was short and I didn’t go to his funeral and to this day I have no regrets. My heart goes out to everyone who never had parents they could lean on.
@@Big_slick671it’s not that we don’t care it’s that we love our estranged children but respect their decision plus we raised them to be independent and make decisions they believe are best for them. It is also peaceful and saves our sanity by not walking on eggshells. I love my kids and am here for them all equally if they need me they can call. I will not cop their abuse, violent outbursts nor the toxic drama anymore. It is the people around who intimately know the circumstances that are more angry than I am. I am not one that cares for funerals so I told my family not to tell my estranged daughter and I don’t want a funeral. I will be dead what will I care.
"The one thing a family hates more than an abuser is a truth-teller." MAN THAT HITS HARD. Nobody likes when you tell the truth. That's why I'm estranged from most of my family. I tell the truth about what happened to me, and they hate how it portrays our family. IMO, they're so offended about how it portrays the family, they should reflect on themselves and why the truth shows them in such a negative light. It's not my fault that they can't handle what they see when they hear the truth.
My mom has 6 adult kids with no contact. She completely splintered our immediate family with her abuse, yet when extended family get together, they are amazed that the kids don't attend (if we know my mom will be there.) It was one of the hardest decisions to cut her off, and I still have a hard time explaining it. This video was empowering. Thank you.
You owe nobody an explanation, Miranda. The fact that you found the decision difficult shows that you didn't make it lightly. This was no whim. Also, five other adults, in the same situation, chose to do the same thing. FIVE!! That's doesn't make you an anomaly, it makes your mother's behaviour a pattern. As an outsider looking in, there is one common denominator here that is the OBVIOUS issue - your mother. If 6 adults all have taken issue with the behaviour of their mother, then the people in your extended family need to open their eyes and spot that insanely obvious common denominator! I mean that's less of a red flag, and more like a full-blown major alarm system going off. It's not up to you to teach other adults basic logic. Quite frankly, if her behaviour was so bad that it upset so many children, those in the extended should be *apologising* for not stepping in, and *thanking* you for succeeding where they failed and protecting your mental health. If they can't see that, then they're an extension of her abuse and you're better off giving them a very wide berth. It sounds like your siblings understand if they've chosen the same path. I wish you happiness and healing. You deserve it 💕
It astounds me that people could look at the situation and place blame on the child, I always know the parent must be absolutely terrible if their own kids won’t talk to them
I like to make jokes about my mom. Like: "I'd call her but reception is really bad 6 feet under ground" People sometimes apologize or express sympathy, which is hilarious because if they knew how she treated people she had power over, they wouldn't.
I cut the THING that gave birth to me off nearly 4 years ago now. How amazing my life has changed since! Im now in work, studying, mostly out of debt, no my self worth and am happy without 30+calls and messages daily. Ive learnt to close a door instead of trying to find answers and talking through crap with it.
@@Yabadabadoo1259 people who go no contact with their parents without having any bad experiences because of them you should tell those kids that they’re not going to have their own kids, but people like you in majority and cultures support kids who are ruining families and disrespecting their parents and their rules with no reason…. Do not be stupid know the difference w Between those criticisms parents and those disrespecting kids🙏🏼
@@mariamano4474 she meant that the person commented above is traumatized by toxic parents that having his own kids scares him. Because the mental programming by parents is not easy to change, most people who are raised by toxic parents do not want kids or anything that reminds them of their own heartbreaking childhood. She didn't say that there are no disrespectful kids in this world
So true. Haven't spoken to my mother in years, and it's always, "Why are you acting this way to your mother? She's your mom." No, she's my abuser, and if you took time to research both sides instead of harassing me, maybe you would know that.
What did she do to you? Did she sexually abuse you or lock you in a closet with no food or water? If not, then you're just being a typical self centered, petty, millennial.
@@ezoxide lmao, same. Found him when I got invited to his funeral where someone had the audacity to say he wanted to see me 🤣 like he could've had he put in even a drop of effort lol. If you find him, remember you owe him nothing, nor do you deserve to be mistreated just cos you share some dna :)
Mine is in prison and has almost always been scum. I won't miss him when he's gone for good. No relationship with him and IDC if him and my stepmom cut me out of his will (IDK if they did but I don't want anything associated with him or them.)
I know I am not popular in certain family circles myself. Too bad for them, because it could have been so different. But I am not going to gaslight myself over it anymore. 😢
Yeah, as an adult, I now see how weird it was for the adults in my family to say "lying is wrong", but it only applied to _them._ There was an entire script of lies for school and the outside world in general, and if you "tell them our business", you'd get in trouble.
It's 100% accurate too. I'm the truth teller in my family. After years of abuse and trying to get help for myself and my siblings (which never came to fruition because apparently I was a liar! ) And it's amazing how little they listened to children even when showing up to school with proof, being covered in bruises 30+ years ago. I left home at 16 and I'm now almost 45 and don't talk to any of them except one sister. I myself won't be showing up for any of their funerals. There is a special place in hell for my mother and step father.
I think that every single person that reprimanded him for not showing up for the funeral would've been the exact ones who would've asked him what right he had to be there, if he had actually gone.😢
Also, I think anyone who questions you like this is sus. In my case, very likely to get the boot as well. I live far away so they probably would be blocked immediately.
There are literally ick parents out there that are blaming "social media" for these estrangements. But never themselves. Really shows the kind of people they are
I always hate the "they're family you have to love them" crap. My parents are wonderful, but my dad's parents are absolute trash, and I refuse to respect them. I didn't even know people had more than one pair of grandparents until I was like 15 because they never reached out to us. Though, maybe it was best not growing up knowing such emotionally abusive people
it's a very similar thing with me. My grandfather was physically and mentally abusing my father but my father acted like nothing was wrong because he goes by "honor thy mother and father" so I thought that I had to love my grandfather. Until my mother's mom(who is also big on "honor thy mother and father") told me *"that man brought harm onto your family, you should treat him with respect, but you do not have to love him."*
I never met my mum's dad, we didn't show up to his funeral, and she refused her share of his inheritance. It doesn't shock me, considering he was so abusive that my mother and her brother proclaimed they would kill him while they were four and six respectively, prompting my grandmother to take her two children and move back to her home country on the other side of the world. No child support, nothing, not even supported by her own family because how dare she leave her husband (thanks 60s-70s misogyny). I don't even know what he looks like. But, my mother doesn't look like my grandmother's side of the family. And I am a clone of my mother. It's kind of unsettling to think about, so I don't. Ironically, while from broken homes, both my parents are incredible people.
If blood is what's holding your family together, that just says that you'd sooner be rid of each other if you weren't. That's not love. Edit for celerity: "you" in the general sense of the hypothetical reader, not "you" in the specific sense of anyone here, of course, in case that wasn't clear.
At this point I'd just like to throw in here that the actual saying goes "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Take from that what you will.
I always get tired of the oh “but they’re your family” excuse as if sharing the same blood just immediately erases all of the trauma and emotional damage that they have inflicted on you. Respect is mutual, it shouldn’t be given to a person who doesn’t know how to respect others at all.
Respect is not always mutual. Respect is based upon witness of effort to maintain credibility through integrity. I often wonder about people that want to be respected. I wonder if they feed the poor, visit those in prison. Show love and acceptance of others' thoughts and expression even if they distinctly disagree in their viewpoints. I remind many that you can't build a civilization when everyone has to change their speech and actions to accommodate those subscribe to extreme bias. The argument very often lies with when someone in their life is trying desperately to point them in what they feel is the best direction. You just don't want to hear it.
@@EagleZoo Well I understand what you mean but I’m talking about if you probably respected someone in the past but they continuously disrespected you, then they get surprised when you want nothing to do with them anymore.
@@EagleZoo And tbh, if you push someone so close to the edge like that and abuse and neglect them sm, even if they are a kind person, you can’t possibly expect them to uphold that same kindness towards you anymore.
@@EagleZoo Oh and I also forgot to mention. You don’t have to always do community things to be kind/respectful, and visiting people in prison..it depends on what they did mostly. Like if a loved one did something like murder many innocent people or raped many people etc, I would be devastated to even be related to them.
Coming from a broken family where we all secretly hate each other and drwad passive aggressive family events, it truly is better to just not get involved. Sadly, sometimes it's better for everybody to just go about your separate lives and be happy. Sadly, sometimes blood doesn't mean shit.
OMG! YES! I haven't talked to my narcissistic alcoholic mother or golden child narcissistic brother in 13-years. The more boundaries & limitations I tried to set the more abusive they became. I don't plan on ever talking to them again. They are pure evil & did everything possible to ruin my life & destroy my family.
I realised I was the golden child and my younger sister was the scapegoat, I found out after my sister was already kicked out. My mother is emotionally garbage as she gaslights me when I tell my problems. Before that, I've been worried about being a narcissist,
I absolutely despise how people use their parental relationship against you as if you owe them something. Excuse me, but i did not choose to be born. You only owe things to people who you choose to do things for. For example, you owe it to your married partner to do chores around the house because you chose to be with them, therefore you have an obligation to make the relatiomship as smooth as possible. But being born without choice and using, "I raised you, i gave you life, i fed you, i bought things." Is literally just a form of manipulation and abuse. I learned this very quickly when my parents threatened to take away or destroy things they bought for me. What dod i do? I went out and bought my own stuff and keep all my receipts, so they cant threaten to destroy my property because if you do, ill smash up their stupid valuable vehicles they care so much about. I will play fair with you, you want to break something of mine, i get to break something of yours. I have no remorse for people like that. Just like if you punch me, better be prepared to receive a punch in return. You want to manipulate me? Honey, i will gaslight and manipulate you until youre a balling mess and i will not feel anything for it. My parents behavior towards me has taught me how tobe absolutely cold hearted to people who treat me like anything that is not right. I have a big heart, but i am not easily taken advantage of anymore. I can live on my own and fend for myself. I have independence, and that scares people. The fact that i cant be manipulated and abused and gaslit to be dependent on someone else's control scares people away from me, and thats what i want. I dont want you in my life if you cant accept my independence. I will play as a team as long as you work things out with me too. If not, you will not hear the end of me bringing up our issues. Ive met too many people who have said i am the problem and i need to change, okay, i will make adjustments when you make adjustments. Ive been to therapy, i know how to be accountable and self-aware and make immedoate changes. 7+ years of therapy on-and-off. I know myself better than anyone. I can keep my word, but if you dont hold your end of the bargain, then i dont either. You either play fair with me, or you can eat shit. Lol. Because i will literally serve you a cracker on a plate while i eat a full meal to show you how unfair you treat me. Im vindictive. So dont be a part of my life if you dont want to be treated like this. I will 100% throw your unfairness in your face every moment you are a part of my life until you change as well or leave. I cannot stand people who think they know better than you and shame you just because of their age, gender, race, or relationship status. You are a human to me and i will not raise you higher than i raise myself. You will alwaya be on the same level as me because i am not playing into power struggles.
@@Jake38nineWow this was powerful. Im trying to get to a similar place as you. I still have the problem of being too scared to hurt their feelings even though they hurt mine with no remorse. I still have too much empathy when people dont have empathy for me. Being this way just gets me taken advantage of and no one learns their lesson. Im trying to learn how to care about myself more and put myself first and give back the same treatment they give to me because how else will they learn? I hate when people say be the bigger person becasue being the bigger person is just putting up with mistreatment and it just continues.
@amandaolson6682 I still empathize and I still am understanding of my enemies. You have to be empathetic and understanding of your enemies to get beneath their skin. You have to know their triggers. But it is stressful. You have to have a strong mind and will and safe place. I do not recommend acting this way when you have no escape. You have no idea what people will do top. But if you're safe, then go off. That's why independence is a good trait to learn and have. You have to learn how to take care of yourself and your surroundings before you expect someone else to take care of theirs. Most people have a hard time being alone with themselves. You have to learn how to be alone. You have to learn how to think for yourself. You have to learn how to disagree and question things. That's how you become strong-willed. The whole "be the bigger person" thing is just a manipulative tactic to keep you stifled. I ignore most hollow advice and get angry at it because you can just hear how fake and disingenuous it is. I'm looking for depth and authenticity within people. Telling someone to be the bigger person or forgive or "be yourself" is the same shallow bs as small talking about the weather everyday with everyone you meet. I don't want to talk about the weather on a surface level, I want to talk about the science and causation of weather AKA Depth. I can't stand shallowness.
My verbally/emotionally abusive dad casually and unashamedly said to me "You better not come to my funeral". I was only 12 or 13 at that time; I kept wondering all my life what wrong I have done for him to say such a thing. Now over 4 years since I have gone little to no contact with my family house, whenever I remember my dad's statement, I feel I would rather not go to his funeral. He never made me feel wanted and loved, he won't even miss me during his last moments. I won't grieve for long either.
I don't even know what I would say if I met mine. There is just nothing between us and grandparents rights agenda seems way too wrong, if it ever happened. To think some places have that as an option, regardless how the adult child feels about it. My kid had his great gran, it was plenty. The truth really shows, when the then child leaves and they try damage control, who shows support and who complains
This. It's sad but also absolutely hilarious, like taking care of the minimum needs of your child and that gives a parent the right to treat you like shit.
@@Jixsurez just because your parent didnt say they you love 100 times a day and give you everything you want doesn't mean you don't have any obligation to them either
Dad left me as a baby. Mom left me at 8. He kept his other children. She kept her other child. As an adult they expect me to forgive with a 5 minute phone call. I have a son. I'd rather die by being eaten alive by maggots then to give up my son.
Omg, that’s horrible!! 💔 My dad left when I was a baby, but my mom kept me. But… She was emotional neglectful, and told me when I was 16 that she wished she had given me up for adoption 😢 I have abandonment issues to this day.
Omg you just explained my life with my dad 100%, I won’t attend his funeral when he dies and to be honest, I don’t care what my family says, it’s my decision and what I can live with, not anyone else’s
Yes. there is no point to attend a toxic family member funeral if people are not in good terms and treat people with disrespect. Doesn’t matter if it’s blood. Toxic is toxic end of story.
My dad's side is full of narcissists (including him), only one positive note is they noticed one of their siblings is toxic. However, they still can't look at themselves, and see they are also the problem to everyone else outside of the family, and inside
Sometimes it's nice to be reminded that you're not the only one having you're kind of problems. Thank you, this couldn't have come at a more appropriate time for me.
I'm sorry you lost your mom, but I'm also proud of you for knowing your limitations in life and what was good for you. Mine has been gone almost 20 years, and I have never had a day of regret for not speaking to her for the last 18 years of her life. My aunt (who said to me more than once that she wished she had been my mom, instead of her sister) kept me in the loop, and that was just fine. That was enough.
Cutting out toxic siblings did wonders for my mental health. Parents don't get it but respect it and don't press me on it. Lol they did the same to several aunts and uncles.
l just decided to go no contact with my brother after he told me im faking my DID and that my trauma "couldn't possibly be that bad". Told my mom about it today and she got pretty upset and said "thats sad". As if it was purely my fault I'm cutting contact. Its so tiring to be treated like I'm the problem when l try and set boundaries and stand up for myself. Just wanted to vent.
I just went non contact with my brother, and i know he told my parents and they all would have bad mouthed my husband (he is making me). Yet i have spoken to each parent this week and not a word as they have been using my brother to speak for them. (i am low contact with my parents but only because of my children)
Haha, I went low/ no contact with my sister a couple years ago. My grandfather is still waiting for us to "get over" our differences. I love him and generally he's a great guy but old fashioned in the way that he doesn't believe in mental health or therapy so his opinion (nor anyone elses) matter in that regard. Keep one doing what's best for you!
@@euryid8920 don’t know you but I am proud of you setting boundaries and doing what is right for you own well being. Parents like their adult kids to get along but sometimes siblings change, or feel entitled to expressing their hurtful opinions, or even like to start drama. It’s ok to set boundaries and when that doesn’t work then it’s time to take alternate steps to create distance, how ever that looks.
I didn't get to know my half siblings until I was 13 (they were 10, 9 and 6 at that time). Me and the then 10 year old grew closest, we shared similar interests. I went through a traumatic time thanks to my "father" and when I finally stood up for myself and turned him in, all them turned on me, including my sister I was closest with. It hurt and sometimes still does. But I'd rather have no contact than to be around those horrible people ever again.
No child makes the Decision to go no contact with their parent lightly. If they do 99% of the time that parent is messed up and deserves the alienation
The term is estranged parents...& yes the overwhelming majority absolutely had it coming for a LONG time.Parental alienation is when an underage child is kept away from the other parent usually after the parents break-up, a lot of narcs do this 💩 to their kids so they'll hate the other parent😮💨.Great post,just 💭 I'd clear the terms up since a lot of folks get parental alienation & estranged parents mixed up.Some of these estranged parent buttholes are purposely trying to muddy the waters by mixing these terms up in their whiny videos🤢.
Let’s be honest. We all saw the redness in his eyes. I feel it. This man must be protected.This guy is helping us,while he expierenced something cruel..❤
Everyone in my family was scape goated by my father. I wouldn't keep the ' family secrets ' and was labeled a blabber mouth because I was the truth teller in the family.
"But you should act like an adult!" Why do I have to, but no one else does? Sometimes anger keeps me up at night. Thank you for the video. I feel more understood now.
Adults don't engage with people who hurt them. So their words are right but they don't understand them. Protecting yourself and leaving behind people who weaken and hurt you, that is how an adult acts.
@@ianluk6385 yes. Easier said than done when they're supposed to be "family". I'll send you a mesage for Christmas because at some point I'm gonna have to see you in person- but don't start being chatty cause I couldn't care less. 🙄
I didn't go "no contact" with my dad. I just started to put the same amount of work into the relationship that he did. I think my aunts finally understood when they asked me how my dad is doing and I asked them what his response was to my cousin's wedding invitation, and the follow-up call when they tried to ask him if he was coming and got no response from him. I think they finally got it when my response to "but he's your dad" was "and he's your brother."
I went no contact 11 years ago. Best decision I have ever made. Last year after a decade of trying to make it work with my little sister, I also had to go no contact with her. Honestly there is no doubt in my mind that I'm the bad guy in their story, but at least they're not part of mine anymore. Who needs blood ties when they only strangle you ?
"Honestly there is no doubt in my mind that I'm the bad guy in their story, but at least they're not part of mine anymore." I needed to read this exact thing because my toxic family's perception of me and how they would talk about me to others in our family has been a big reason for me holding off on going NC when I really need to, and this is what I needed to read tonight. Thank you.
The amount of toxicity family members have can be damaging to the person on the long run, mentally, physically and emotionally. Cutting people off is a good way to ensure your safety and well-being.
Completely understandable why people would go no contact. The fact that people will always stand up for and defend abusers is absolutely insane to me even though I should not be at all surprised.
Yeah. It's crazy how many blame the victims for defending ourselves. The victims are expected to keep being abused just so everyone around them can pretend things are normal. It's time we made it the other way round - the abuser has to clean their shit up to be accepted.
@@fionaanderson5796 Absolutely! Accountability for the abusers, empowerment for survivors, and education for everyone else around. I hope you're healing well 💙💙💙 Sending hugs & solidarity to you
@@fionaanderson5796 in context it's kinda funny how if somebody well known is an abuser/assaulter the public walks the line on blaming the victim(s), but when it's average people it's typically their family that blames the victim(s).
It's tough. I'm a weird ass that would go to the funeral and mourn the person I wish they were with the jealousy I had of other parents that were good. I would hope to hear a true story of them that was good and wish I knew them as that. A story of their childhood or something about them before I knew them. Even meeting someone else at the funeral who is as hurt as myself.
My family was only fortunate in that we had a large number of people who knew how bad my grandfather was. Our parents made sure the granddaughters were Never alone with the man. His own daughters and wife knew what he would and had done to them. (Quick edit: he was sent to prison for it several times) Most of the family showed up just to make sure he was really dead dead. Only one person cried at the funeral and she got looks cast at her that clearly implied she was insane. No one wanted to talk for his eulogy and half of us were trying not to laugh at the minister's usual speal about being a "child of god". I'm glad you turned out far better than your father.
We were also never left alone with one of our grandfathers. I think we only visited because of our Grandma because I don't remember seeing him ever again. I didn't know why then but I'm very grateful now that I do. It's chilling that people are like that and there's families out there that will cover it up and pretend it didn't happen.
An abuser father is one thing, but it's 10x worse when you have an enabling mother who does not protect you. It's also terrible when both of your parents are narcs. One is a covert narc and the other is a malignant narc.
@@Ark-ys2upmy relationship with my enabling mom was built on my hopes alone, That all shattered when I at age 60 realized she had sometimes PURPOSEFULLY triggered him to beat us to get space. I had innocently thought she was a fellow victim, So I lost nothing but my illusions but everything I had thought about her. She did “protect” me a lot but it was her fault I was in danger at all because he wasn’t an occasional abuser but a constant one.
I totally agree with you and anyone who doesn't had a good dad and will never understand! Take care of yourself and don't worry about what anyone else thinks!!!! Wishing nothing but good for you!!!💜
“Oh honey I don’t know. Could be them being one of them gays.” Lemme say most of the shitty parants are kinda homophobic or more will blame stuff instead of blaming themselves
And that childhood seeps into your adult life affecting your self worth and image, along with relationships you try to forge. I broke away from my mother for almost 5 years. Then she had an accident and I relented, only to end up going through trauma again by her hand. When you realise that she values money more than a relationship and your health there is only one option. But as with all narcissistic individuals, they are the victim and the stories they fabricate to keep that image are nothing short of wicked.
I did my absolute best, with an undiagnosed disability that kept me from working. And I've constantly been told it wasn't good enough. My best wasn't good enough. Let that sink in.
💯 The abuser and the dysfunctional family wants you to shut up and play your role within the dysfunction. How dare you step out of the role they assigned you. What makes you think you can act on your own values and interests? 😄
Yes! Me and my cousin are the truth tellers in our family. No one loves it in Camp Let’s Mourn the Abuser, yet it sure feels great to not have to pretend we didn’t go through that and it really just frees up space (cuz it lets us know who is worthy of our time) for our various chosen families to fill our lives❤
As the one person with no filter in my family, yes.. We’re doing way better and I’m quite sure some credit goes to me just sorta, getting fed up at some point and just letting it all out. Our parents are not bad people, and my evidence is that they did listen in the end,, so yeah at least there’s my story on it!
Remember y'all: When people say you're ruining the family, they don't actually care about the family. Because you were family but they did nothing to protect you. "You're ruining the family." is just them telling you that they don't care about YOUR lived experiences, that they're angry at you because your actions expose THEIR bad behaviour.
You arent ruining the family, you're ruining the illusion of a happy family they want everyone else to see and you dont owe it to them to keep that fantasy book bullshit up
Most of the time, they don't even believe you when you tell them about the bad experiences. Then when they do believe you, they say it doesn't matter because some random kid in Africa or North Korea has it worse
My brother yelled at me for moving out at 19, because "who's gonna help mom?" My favorite was "(step)dad hasn't hit you or anything since we moved to the new house" like all the times he gave me a bloody nose, kicked me, and spit on me from ages 3 to 14 were just water under the bridge and all the times he locked me out of my room so I couldn't even change clothes or get my back pack didn't count.
It's that you're "Ruining the image of a good, stable, healthy, family in the eyes of outsiders." Narcissists care about how they are perceived by everyone else, so by you not showing up to the Funeral, it gave the impression that something is wrong with the family, thus you get blamed for ruining that image in the eyes of others. They don't care about your pain, because it doesn't matter.
Parental alienation is also Loud . When you choose to keep their mothers secrets because you're more concerned about the children's mental health . Make sure you actually Know your Truth .
I'm so glad that you broke free of that cycle. I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm also deeply impressed by- and grateful for- the kind, honest, and outspoken man you've become. It's all the more amazing because you did it independently; you chose your own path. 🥰
Society are pointing fingers to children for going no contact with their abusive parents. But none of them ask the parents in question what have they done to their kids.
I can understand respecting the dead to an extent. If they were a piece of shit when they had a pulse, them being in the ground doesn't automatically undue all they did. If they weren't respectful and just a downright horrible human being in life, than its only justified they be remembered that way
@@TheUndeadOhioan1999 yeah they made their own choice of how to treat others, and in that they cannot expect to be missed nor mourned over. They made their bed.
@@sandras2624 unfortunately the sad truth is that theres a 99% chance that at least one person is going to be sad they're gone, and even defend them. Without going too into detail, a HUGE chunk of my family are toxic and have royally fucked me up, honestly looking forward to when they're dead and won't lose an ounce of sleep saying the truth. Some may say you must eventually forgive somebody who wronged you, and how its the "morally right" thing to do. Anybody who says that is either blind, ignorant, is one of the lucky ones to not experience stuff that leads to life long trauma, or all of the above
"But but she is your mom. She made a mistake. Forgive her." She did nothing when my uncle gropped me and blamed it on my clothes. I was wearing a lose t-shirt and baggy pants.
You go girl! My aunts tried to push me/guilt trip me into reconnecting with my mom. Not happening after all the psychological abuse I suffered through my whole life. Haven’t talked to them in 4 years, and I have never been better!
@@sbs.2759 honestly I live with my dad and stepmom. They are amazing I cut off all contact with mom as soon as I turned 18 because she kept inviting my molester into the house. I moved into a college in my dad's city. I am in much better shape. My mom can rot in hell. She is a vile woman who cheated on my dad multiple times and still blames my dad.
A while back I met someone, and after talking for a while they told me they had cut off a family member and had no contact with him. I said congratulations, and they said they were surprised, because most people tried the whole "but he's your family" thing. I was honestly kind of surprised that they didn't get congratulated more often for having the courage and bravery to make and follow through on their choice. No one cuts off a relative who should be in their life
My father abandoned me when I was 6, but previous to that he was physically and (seggsually) a busive. When he threw me across the bed my eye scraped the corner of my nightstand, removing a tiny bit of the white of my eyes and leaving all sorts of bruises. My mother had enough, no longer believing that I was just being a tomboy and hyperactive child. "You see her while I'm present or not at all", and he chose the latter. When my uncle, his brother, passed away he decided to use my devastated and mourning grandmother as a tool to get me to speak with him. This was the first time I had seen him since being that little girl. I had never forgotten the things he did. "Would you like to meet X?" "No." That was all I said. While she was grieving for her adult son passing away, he talked her into trying to make amends with me instead of doing so himself, I assume he did so in hopes of using her as a shield. Probably knowing I would never try to hold him accountable because I didn't want her to be hurt knowing the truth or to cause a fuss at a funeral. I was 19 and what I learned is that people don't change. He was still the sneaky and manipulative shithead he had always been. I've kept that lesson close to my heart ever since, and no one understands that lesson unless they've been through it themselves. Now if anyone tells me that "he's my father, I should give him a chance" I cut them off immediately if they persist once I explained why he doesn't get another chance.
@bina nocht this is one of those things that's so much easier to say when you're not the one sitting in the middle of it. Not saying that they took the right way out just that the decision is so much more complicated when it's your own to make.
I remember a rough time in my relationship with my mother, my dad was telling me to try to forgive her and to be the bigger person and I told him "why do I need to be the adult in this? She is the parent". It is not easy to go throught that kind of trauma and stand your ground. You are so strong.
Remember , when people tell you to "be the bigger person" they're actually asking you to pretend it didn't happen so they don't have to confront the idea that they or someone else is abusive or toxic in your life If you're the one always being told to be bigger, you are. They're just narcissists
Yes. It's their way of excusing their complete neglect of that child (who was you) when they knew EXACTLY what was going on, but dud NOTHING to prevent it. Haha just noticed my typo there.... What a perfect typo! 😂
From a therapist: a toxic family tends to rally around the most toxic member. They don't hate an abuser at all. They really hate and punish truth tellers who don't allow them to be comfortable in their toxicity
I agree with this comment. I'm not doing toxic anything and I refuse to allow my toxic son who unfortunately is on some hard drugs treat me like crap. And in my opinion, when people use hard drugs and turns them into something totally different and they try to take discipline situations that ultimately save their lives and try to redirect their behavior, and yet the adult child goes around telling horrific storytelling events just to take or divert their lack of responsibility for themselves I gave my child tough love and he went around to family and friends being a narcissist. Today I'm at peace as I will be tomorrow.
I don't know why it took me so long to look up this .. I should've done it 10 years ago .. this is more therapy than 10 years of therapy... thank u sooo much!!!
You are Brave. Amazing that my thoughts process was described by a person that does NOT Read my mind and yet is describing many mental struggles I have in general. Which sadly Calms me, since I wish Nobody else suffered the same thing, Yet it sadly calms me because I'm not the only one that suffered yet I wish the horrible general childhood I had never happened either for me, or the other person. You are Brave thanks for this video.
The black sheep of the family, that uncle, or aunt, who stays away and doesn’t talk that much… Is generally the person who can see through all the bullshit and refuses to engage with it
True im the same way whats worst for me is i said i would go back to being a family if they were willing to apologize for all the bad but no one wanted to so now my only family is my friends
I just never felt close to my family other than my mom and when she passed away I had no need to see my 3 sisters or father anymore it's been 20 years I don't know if they're alive or dead
There is no such person in my family, all caught up in bs except me and my sister, who's studying psychology tho. She knows damn well, and I got diagnosed secretly after I could go to therapy alone.
Lmao one of my dad's friends said to me as a joke "haha you don't know what your daddy's like when he's mad, you're so spoiled" AND I WISH I HAD HAD THE GUTS TO TELL HER "NO, ///YOU/// DONT KNOW WHAT HES LIKE WHEN HES MAD" ffs I still regret that, but I guess he would have just laughed and pretended to be all sweet and then get pissed at me later so you know, maybe it was a blessing in disguise
Yes!! Exactly. My aunt is like this; she manipulates and charms the hell out of people when she’s around them.. it’s just since covid that the outside world is starting to see it too.. she has no filter anymore so everyone deals with her abuse now.
I want there to be a law in this country that allows people to legally change their name and have the court record sealed without having to provide a reason. People can't always prove the abuse or the cult like behavior, but they should still be able to move, change their name, and have the record sealed so no one can find them or their new identity. I'm so tired of this.
You have no idea how much I needed this. I’m an adult child who is currently looking for apartments and moving out as soon as possible and definitely going no contact once I do and deep down, I know it’s for the right reasons, but I can’t help but be made to feel guilty, so thank you, really. I’m crying right now. You have no idea how much this helps. My sister did it and we were all made to hate her, to the point she had I haven’t had a relationship in almost a decade. In between that time, the abuse from my parents got so bad that my brother died as a result. I won’t do the same, though I have contemplated suicide more times than I care to admit. I will follow in my sister’s footsteps. I will get out. I will be happy. I will stay alive long enough to do that for myself and for my brother, because he never had the chance.
Reading your story really hits home. I cut contact with my father 6 years ago and all of my brothers stopped speaking to me as a result. I never wanted them to feel like they had to pick a side but our father made them choose, and being minors at the time they naturally picked him. They're adults now and still don't speak to me. I miss them immensely. I hope that when you break free, you reach out to your sister. I'm sure she will be so happy to hear from you.
I hope it gets better.I know this is random but my motivation to live is to be able to cover Ben Sharpo's grave in pride flags and if it needs to be more subtle, rainbow flowers 😌 in all seriousness, you are worth it, and you deserve happiness
Currently going through this right now with both my mom and dad. I cut off contact with my dad years ago, but my mom keeps trying to force a relationship with him. It’s both tiring and frustrating because of the lack of respect for boundaries, as well as being seen as the villain for dissociating myself from him. I’m contemplating cutting my mom off as well because she’s not respecting my sister and I’s boundaries.
So effin true! My turn to trauma dump: What gets me the most is how many people that don't know me have done this to me. The second they hear that I don't speak to my mother, it's "but she's your mom, you must love her!" She literally never formed a bond with me as a baby and proceeded to treat me terribly since- I have never felt love for her because she has never shown love to me. They often seem to think I'm incapable of love then too. Then they hear me gushing about my boyfriend, my friends, and even my belated cat (she was my savior growing up). If anyone is incapable of love, it's the narcissist that incubated me and got back pats for not aborting me as if that wouldn't have been more responsible 🤷🏻♀️ I went no contact 13 years ago as of this xmas eve and it is the best decision of my life. I have never regretted it. She brought nothing but pain and disappointment while I, her child, tried to have a relationship with her. tldr; people in general seem to have a deep-seeded need to act like they've never heard of parents abusing their children, which is why I speak so openly about it. Ignoring it enables the abuse, I refuse.
I'm so sorry you still get people doing that. I haven't had that happen with me, thankfully, as I went no contact with my dad a decade ago, and have even told people of it. The only real responses I get are "Well that sucks, he was a disappointment (my mom and family)" or "Dang. Anyway." If an adult child goes no contact with a parent, there's always a reason.
And victims benefit from seeing others stories it helps them feel not alone and may even encourage them to reach out and get help. Keep spreading your truth love ❤
It changed a fair bit for me when I got older. In my 20's people thought I must be a brat. Bit older and people tend to figure it was a pretty serious decision.
My mom was abusive as well and my father was older than sliced bread, so my childhood was awful! I’m sorry you went through that pain and suffering. I’m glad you decided to cut off your toxic parent, leave that shit for the birds!
I’m glad you had your cat-they are wonderful little saviors. And yeah, narcissistic parents are….hoooboy, the damage they do. Thank you for speaking up and out, and paving the way for it to be easier for others. That’s really important, and often unacknowledged, work.
I moved to another state and my mother couldn't get ahold of me but she somehow sent me a dollar on the venmo and said Happy mother's Day because I didn't call her and then called me a pea-rick so I blocked the venmo app, today is her birthday. I've gone no contact for a few years now and I understand that man's pain. They had nothing but hate for me the whole time I was there, then I leave and now they act like I'm selfish and abandoning them LOL but not LOL at all Gaslighting and infuriating
Yep, one of my uncles accused me of trying to shove my grandpa into a nursing home to get money because I said he shouldn't be unsupervised ever. Why? Because he kept trying to leave to "go home". Whenever he was done with whatever was going on he would just walk out the door of wherever he was to "go home". Even if he was already at home or in another country. I was just worried about him. Also how would him being in a nursing home give me money? They're EXPENSIVE!!
I had the opposite happen. My elder brother was horrifically abusive throughout my childhood and teenage years. My mother, this beautiful and compassionate pillar in my life, used to just hold me in her arms as he screamed and yelled about all sorts of things. He hit her, pushed her, tormented her, and used protective services as a tool to strip my mother of her voice and any freedom to punish him. Social workers saw her as the villain and left us in hell... Yet, my mother was always blamed for destroying the family, and for speaking out. Her friends told her to abandon/kick out my brother but the family shamed her for even arguing with him. Yet, that beautiful woman put me in therapy because she saw how much I was suffering. Although because he was so young there’s now this weird expectation that we have to wipe it all under the rug, that those were difficult teenage years. No contact with him was the best thing I did in my life. It was euphoria and safety. My therapist could focus on helping me heal instead of how to protect myself emotionally. I struggled to speak about my experiences but my silence was more powerful than any words I could have used.
Older brothers are supposed to protect you, shield you when your parents can't, tell you about things you need to know when your parents don't want to, be your backup and be the one person you can go to if no else wants to listen or you can't tell. I wouldn't even call yours a brother anymore, just a man that your mother gave birth to when he didn't deserve to be even associated with her.
I'm so sorry for you and your mother. I'm glad at least you seem to understand she wanted to love you (and probably felt terrible her own offspring could be the way your brother was). I can't imagine that struggle of needing to kick out a child due to that but also feeling guilty of letting him out into the world like that.
My favorite thing my therapist told me when I was sad about cutting my father out was, "People say you only have one family, well you only have one appendix, but when that fu(ker is trying to kill you you cut that b@stard out of your life" Really helped me with not only cutting out my father but my brother also.
I pray that you pray for them. Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm...Eph 6:12 We, who get to know and acknowledge and receive the abundant love and abundant mercy of our Creator who loves each of his creation equally, strive to die to ourselves and become the hands, feet, mouth, and heart of Him who gives us life. Your pain is known by Him. He is the great healer. And the norm is that the hurting are the ones he uses to bring the offenders into Truth. I pray your family makes amends to you and pays your forgiveness for them (God will do the judging better than we ever could!) forward. Hope to see you in Paradise when the earth is made anew and there will be no more tears! Evil WILL be separated from Good for eternity, as He promised. Read the Word. He'll talk to you!
my mom was a VERY negative part of my life. she was SUPER lazy and that negative influence had an impact on me. i don't talk to her much anymore and I've started to turn my life around.
The black sheep of my mother's family is my youngest aunt, who called out my grandpa for being a child molester. The family protected him, his church protected him, and my aunt wasn't going to accept that shīt because keeping silent had allowed him to traumatize and damage two generations of little girls. Including me, but I was far from the only one. When he died there was a graveside memorial service and nothing else. And when my other aunts who had kept silent wanted a big church funeral, my youngest aunt said she would be happy to show up and let the entire congregation know how many little girls he had molested over the years. They stuck with the graveside service.
"The one thing a family hates more than an abuser, is a TRUTH-TELLER."
PREACH.
This was deep!!!
I agree 💯 percent
Agree completely.
Biggest understatement!
And that's why they hate me...
"But she's your mom"
"I was her CHILD"
thats a perfect trauma sence in a movie ima write it down
💯💯💯💯💯
On the flip side because enablers are some of the worst:
"He's my son, I can't kick him out."
"SO YOU'LL LET YOUR DAUGHTER SUFFER??"
A parent can have multiple children but you can only have one mother and one father. They can afford to discard you if you are ungrateful but you can afford to deny your roots. When we trim the leaves of a plant, they regrow but when we cut off the roots, it dies.
@marvelousoui4393 I glad you seem to have a great relationship with both patents/guardians. I get where you are coming from with your opinion, but why minimize a person's worth to owing their parent or not losing touch with your roots/you can be replaced? That is an apathetic view on traumatic experiences and the ability to enforce the concept 'no, never again'. I have no contact with my father, but my sister is working on having a relationship with him. I can see him as a person with scars of his own or flaws, doesn't mean I should force myself to forgive trauma and fear he gave me during my most vulnerable years of life. Adult children who do this are not being rash, holding grudges, or missing out on a relationship. They are deciding to live the fullest life possible without trying to put in constant effort to please their abusers. I worked to have a relationship with my dad but realized, at 18, that he would continue to hurt me and my sister. I would continuously be harmed. Also, don't ever have more than one child with the expectation of discarding or expecting them to care for you if you raise them. How you treat your kids will determine the relationship later in life.
Most people care about their public image more than their actual families well being. It's disgusting.
Elaborate.
@@mechanirawhat do they need to elaborate??😂 im sure I can elaborate it for you.
@@ezbred8145 I'm just confused which side they're on
@@mechaniraThey are talking about how family members would rather silence victims and hide the wrong doing of their abusive or even rapist family members to keep the family from looking bad
@@mechaniraFor real? I'll tell you that in many cultures, having an outwardly successful, shiny public image is something that must be protected at all costs. If the reality is one of abuse, neglect and rampant narcissism, and a child "outs" his/her parents as being crappy parents, the fury of the family will fall on them - because now everyone knows they're actually shitty people instead of the paragons of virtue and hood parenting they want to portray themselves as.
Stay clear of toxic people, blood or no blood. Be free and healthy.
lol
The blood of the Covenant is thicker than the water of the womb
@@jwill5892 I hope you mean the covenant with GOD because of the blood of JESUS. ❤❤❤
People are good at blaming the victim. Tell it man. 👍
I victim blame those who victim blame. They are shocked when you use their words against them. It puts them into the position of a victim being blamed because they feel like they are the victim in that situation.
Many thanks. We are vilified by speaking out.
people are good at being the victim too
Yep i hate that Bs 😊
Boy you cant preach enough
These people expect you to be “the bigger man” and show up to your dad’s funeral. But they weren’t the bigger man to address your dad’s toxicity.
I am being the bigger person by not allowing myself to be engaged by behaviour that isn't acceptable, and pivoting my energy towards constructive loving endeavours.
@@ssboschky When you don't engage with unacceptable behavior you are passively letting it continue to exist.
I understand that this is very difficult to deal with terrible behavior and I think it isn't our job to fix everyone. What we do need is not turn a blind eye to bad behavior. We can't just say "yeah this is bad, but I'm not gonna do anything about it because it's a waste of time".
If we can't convince the person doing the terrible thing, we can at least convince others that they shouldn't be like this.
@@htpkey yeah, like say something. just don't accknowledge their stupidity. but don't stay quiet. your words are the most important. you are NOT as small as they want you to be. as they try to make you believe. you are much much louder and wiser. as long as we can handle it and it doesn't cost us our mental health, baby steps, absolutely. that's a hard one. need the right tools hah Not easy but not impossible! ☺️🤗
@@aurora_boketto7746 Agree!
It's strange how people expect you to be the bigger person when, beforehand, they treated you like you were so small that you were practically invisible to them
Truth tellers become scapegoats, punished incessantly for being brave. Good for you for taking your power back.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
And we also have PEACE! When family members are upset by truth telling, I feel compassion for them; because it comes from a place of fear. My actions are shaking their reality and it's scary. I get it. It's not going to change MY life, but I get it; and they're allowed to cope in whatever way they choose.
I didn’t want to go no contact with my mom. I loved her so much. For years I tried to make things work, bending to her will and playing her game. But there’s always a breaking point. The pain eventually outweighed the love and I had to leave. Going no contact with a parent is never an easy decision.
This is the truth 😢i really needed to hear this. You have said it as it is, exactly my situation.
So this. For 40 years I tried to make it work, in any way you mentioned and more, untill I gave up. It was always so stressfull and hurtful. How I wish I had a different relationship, loving and caring.
I see her on birthdays, christmas and easter, and that's enough.
Was easy for me
Sometimes wonder if I should have split. But my "family" would have condemned me
@@hey_itsashley.j I’m sorry you had to go no contact too, it’s not easy. I hope you’re doing well.
Family’s always be like: Why can’t you just take abuse so that way we don’t have to stand up to the abuser because that’s inconvenient for us?? So selfish! 🙄🙄
The ol "you go deal with the abuse and cynicism so we can continue to pretend to look like a happy family"
@@thebae9589 there are so many families that love people's perception of them and their family far more than they'll ever actually love said family.
@@fawnieee You said it 👏👏👏
I stopped talking to my dad for seven months. Nonstop did I hear family members say you should fix your relationship, you should check up on him as if what he did to me was insignificant and that I shouldn't be hurt by the things he said and did to me. I eventually started talking to my dad again and started rebuilding a relationship. But one thing that really pissed me off is when I mentioned that he sends me money twice a month (*I'm a college student and he rather me not work), and my aunt literally said "aren't you glad that you started talking to your dad again, since he's sending you money." I think that seven months of not talking really helped us, but that comment really disgusted me , as if I'm supposed to have someone in my life who really hurt me stay in it because they are helping to pay for stuff. That's like saying to someone "you should stay in a abusive relationship even though they abuse you at least they take care of you"
It’s so true! My step dad is bipolar and unmedicated and always has been. Been physically and emotionally abusive to me and I would stand up for myself and all my mom would do is say “you’re both acting like children”. Difference is I was a child and he was a grown man that knows better. I haven’t talked to him in nearly two years and the whole time my mom would push to me talking to him whenever I see him at family events. There’s a reason I refuse to talk to him and that’s an apology I’m never going to get. He put his hands on me and my ex saw it so he beat the shit out of him. And when it blew over he apologized to my ex who beat the shit out of him but not me who he beat the shit of. It just shows he doesn’t respect me and I can’t stand how my mom and other family members can say I’m being childish for refusing to talk to him but I have told everyone. All I want is an apology and then I’ll consider making small talk. He knows it everyone knows it and after 2 years still nothing.
Someone else said this recently: Toxic families are ones that cater to the least emotionally intelligent person.
I felt it. You're not alone
Oh. That is so accurate. That is such an insightful and clearcut way to summarize so much painful chaos. Thank you for sharing.
F****ck, that puts it so succinctly.
That's so we'll said. Thank you for sharing this.
There's so many of us that have lived thru this. I wish more ppl understand they are NOT alone. That single fact, that I was not alone, helped me feel so much better. I hope it helps someone else.
I believe as an heyoka empath.
That is just pure poetry
The truth has power! My best friend didn't grieve at all when her mother and father died. She thought something was wrong with her. That is until she went to a seminar on family abuse and child truth teller. She said she felt free for the first time in her life.😊
Your friend probably had already grieved the loss of her parents before they died. She grieved the ones she never had. So there was nothing left to grieve for.
@@moonhunter9993 damn. That's deep. 💯💔
@moonhunter9993 😢
Yeah... this resonates..
Thank You!!!!!! No contact with an abusive parent or even sibling is often the ONLY way to protect the family you do have!!!
I usually use the
“Do you take out your anger on your dog?”
And when they say “No.”
I always say “Exactly.”
Exactly, would you do that to your Dog or Cat, no, so if you wouldn't do that to a fur Baby then why the fuck do it to a Child!😒
My abusive father took his anger on our dog too (slammed his head on the floor, kicked him in the ribs and he flew halfway across the apartment...) sooo what if they answer yes? T-T
Well i do think my family would hate him after hearing that he hit the dog, but why is hitting his wife and daughter not enough...?
My dad hit and kicked my dogs when mad at them. Now the first one is scared of random objects and jumps at noise. 😁
I was the autistic kid, unfortunately. You can imagine how my relationship with my father is.
wtf you even trying to prove with this …
@@jasminevictoria4652 It's pointing out the hypocrisy of physical punishment toward human children vs toward dogs and other pets.
"if theres one thing a family hates more than an abuser, its a truth-teller" is one of the hardest truths I've ever had to accept. Even my siblings who agree with me and also understand the extent of my mom's abuse (especially to me as the only daughter) hate the fact that I won't just accept it and humor her
Have you read Jeannette McCurdays new autobiography? Really might be relatable. She writes about the relationship with her narcissistic mother as the only daughter
@@Raddiebaddie Yes, it's incredible ❤️ I was so happy she was able to write about her experience because it started such an important conversation. She has done so much for victims of parental narcissistic abuse
Your probably the problem. Just thought you should know. Normal people dont go on the internet and talk badly about family even if their in the right. Im assuming the guy in the video he is the problem too. I dont care if people cut of bad family members. But people who will trash on anyone in front of strangers for likes and attention. In my experience they are the real shitty people. Just putting that out there do with it as you please.
@@captaintony1227 i actually didnt do any of the things you mentioned here but i'm sorry if you are easily triggered, upset or confused. i recommend just not engaging with content that makes you feel this way because it seems like a waste of valuable energy and it's causing you to make assumptions or "fill in the blanks" about strangers.
i tend to find that people who seek out content they don't agree with and reply to comments with unrelated rants and judgments are generally unstable and easily offended. you could probably benefit from grounding exercises and doing a mental inventory on why you make those assumptions. it seems as though you are just projecting but who am I to say!
Literally this, my siblings directly experienced the abuse and my older brother still thinks I should talk to her again. She abused him too, being a mother means nothing if you treat your kids the way she did us, as far as I’m concerned she was an egg donor and an incubator
It's funny how we put more expectations and responsibilities on the children in these circumstances than the people who were supposed to be the mature adults.
The thing I find most people don't realize, people want to have a good relationship with their parents. In fact, they will often do everything they can to nurture a healthy relationship with a parent. So when someone goes no-contact with their parent, it's an incredible indictment of that parent that they were so awful not even their kid wanted to be around them.
This.
But when the other kids don't go no contact, you definitely look like the one that has something wrong with you. Pathetic.
No one seems to be talking about parents who DIDN’T harm their children being ghosted. I was a devoted, loving mother, involved in my grown chidren’s and grandchildren’s lives. Our family had problems caused by someone else years ago. Eventually two of my children scapegoated ME and ghosted me with zero explanation and zero contact.. its so unfair to m grandkids and me.
@nancyoldham In my experience, kids, minor or adult, especially adult kids would never want to separate themselves from their parents without a reason. Unless they are both psychopaths. But if they're not, you should really do some soul searching, because I find that most parents NEVER, EVER, NEVER think they could be wrong regarding interactions with their kids, or that they could have possibly ever done anything to hurt their kids or put them in harms way, whether directly or indirectly. And I promise you, if you are a parent and you think that way, YOU ARE DEAD WRONG. There is a reason your kids don't want your grandchildren around you.
@@angel-mq2mo I’m not one of those, and my story is complicated and a bit different. I agree that most people don’t want to separate from their parents. You would not even believe the soul searching I’ve done, including a ton of therapy. I just want to point out there ARE exceptions sometimes. To not recognize this is to further the stigma of alienation, which is why a lot of people don’t talk about this. People need to keep an open mind and see that all is not so black and white, and there can be many, many facets to this heartbreaking and common problem.
“If there’s anything a family hates more than an abuser, it’s a truth teller.” Family dynamics in a nutshell.
Yeah, that one hit hard.
I liked and subscribed immediately felt it so hard and mans spitting facts
Owwww it hurts with so much truth
Yep!
Sounds like you dont know what a family is kiddo.
Truth teller life is lonely af. Out here breaking generational curses
Lonely AF but enough is enough ❤️
Amen. Overcomer.
It is lonely. But idgaf about sugarcoating the truth and I will call out anyone in my family, including my mother and my stepdad, for unwarranted behavior or lying. And they know it too.
Yes! Moved across the country to get away from the abuse! Breaking curses over here as well! Proud of you for doing it!
Lonely but you are at peace and freedom is liberating ❤
When I went no contact with my parents and stopped putting in the effort to have a relationship, nobody ever tried to call me or reach out, it was a hard pill to swallow. I made the decision to not go and see my father when his time was short and I didn’t go to his funeral and to this day I have no regrets. My heart goes out to everyone who never had parents they could lean on.
You are a "Sick" individual.
@@Big_slick671it’s not that we don’t care it’s that we love our estranged children but respect their decision plus we raised them to be independent and make decisions they believe are best for them. It is also peaceful and saves our sanity by not walking on eggshells. I love my kids and am here for them all equally if they need me they can call. I will not cop their abuse, violent outbursts nor the toxic drama anymore. It is the people around who intimately know the circumstances that are more angry than I am. I am not one that cares for funerals so I told my family not to tell my estranged daughter and I don’t want a funeral. I will be dead what will I care.
@@sharonwadwell2425Your daughter is toxic and abusive so she cut you off... sure
"The one thing a family hates more than an abuser is a truth-teller."
MAN THAT HITS HARD. Nobody likes when you tell the truth. That's why I'm estranged from most of my family. I tell the truth about what happened to me, and they hate how it portrays our family. IMO, they're so offended about how it portrays the family, they should reflect on themselves and why the truth shows them in such a negative light. It's not my fault that they can't handle what they see when they hear the truth.
If your only excuse is “I am your parent” to keep contact with someone, you do not deserve to keep contact with them
tell that to the court systems.
@@ericolens3 the court does not force you to keep in contact with parents, u good? U mad cuz you treated someone terribly and they hate you for it?
@@ericolens3Found the MRA.
@@ericolens3Courts don't force adults to keep contact with their parents.
Those are the people that think that having kids is the bare minimum.
My mom has 6 adult kids with no contact. She completely splintered our immediate family with her abuse, yet when extended family get together, they are amazed that the kids don't attend (if we know my mom will be there.)
It was one of the hardest decisions to cut her off, and I still have a hard time explaining it. This video was empowering. Thank you.
You owe nobody an explanation, Miranda. The fact that you found the decision difficult shows that you didn't make it lightly. This was no whim.
Also, five other adults, in the same situation, chose to do the same thing. FIVE!! That's doesn't make you an anomaly, it makes your mother's behaviour a pattern. As an outsider looking in, there is one common denominator here that is the OBVIOUS issue - your mother. If 6 adults all have taken issue with the behaviour of their mother, then the people in your extended family need to open their eyes and spot that insanely obvious common denominator! I mean that's less of a red flag, and more like a full-blown major alarm system going off.
It's not up to you to teach other adults basic logic. Quite frankly, if her behaviour was so bad that it upset so many children, those in the extended should be *apologising* for not stepping in, and *thanking* you for succeeding where they failed and protecting your mental health. If they can't see that, then they're an extension of her abuse and you're better off giving them a very wide berth. It sounds like your siblings understand if they've chosen the same path.
I wish you happiness and healing. You deserve it 💕
It astounds me that people could look at the situation and place blame on the child, I always know the parent must be absolutely terrible if their own kids won’t talk to them
dude you got this.
your time is never worth spending it traumatized.
@@georgina-a"it's not up to you to teach adults basic logic"
idk why but that is the most validating thing I've ever read. thank you.
I like to make jokes about my mom.
Like: "I'd call her but reception is really bad 6 feet under ground"
People sometimes apologize or express sympathy, which is hilarious because if they knew how she treated people she had power over, they wouldn't.
I cut the THING that gave birth to me off nearly 4 years ago now. How amazing my life has changed since! Im now in work, studying, mostly out of debt, no my self worth and am happy without 30+calls and messages daily. Ive learnt to close a door instead of trying to find answers and talking through crap with it.
True😢😢😢
And let me guess: you would never have children of your own?
@@Yabadabadoo1259 people who go no contact with their parents without having any bad experiences because of them you should tell those kids that they’re not going to have their own kids, but people like you in majority and cultures support kids who are ruining families and disrespecting their parents and their rules with no reason….
Do not be stupid know the difference w
Between those criticisms parents and those disrespecting kids🙏🏼
@@Yabadabadoo1259 I have kids of my own :)
@@mariamano4474 she meant that the person commented above is traumatized by toxic parents that having his own kids scares him. Because the mental programming by parents is not easy to change, most people who are raised by toxic parents do not want kids or anything that reminds them of their own heartbreaking childhood.
She didn't say that there are no disrespectful kids in this world
So true. Haven't spoken to my mother in years, and it's always, "Why are you acting this way to your mother? She's your mom." No, she's my abuser, and if you took time to research both sides instead of harassing me, maybe you would know that.
What did she do to you? Did she sexually abuse you or lock you in a closet with no food or water? If not, then you're just being a typical self centered, petty, millennial.
As a person who is in a no contact relationship with my father, I'm sorry. I know how it feels.
Ummm my father has disappeared
@@ezoxide ok. I'm sorry that happened to you.
@@ezoxide lmao, same. Found him when I got invited to his funeral where someone had the audacity to say he wanted to see me 🤣 like he could've had he put in even a drop of effort lol.
If you find him, remember you owe him nothing, nor do you deserve to be mistreated just cos you share some dna :)
Mine is in prison and has almost always been scum. I won't miss him when he's gone for good. No relationship with him and IDC if him and my stepmom cut me out of his will (IDK if they did but I don't want anything associated with him or them.)
Let's gather here. I see you, internet friend. We'll get through this. "Metoo
"There's only one thing families hate more than an abuser, and that's a truth teller." Damn, that hit hard!
I know I am not popular in certain family circles myself. Too bad for them, because it could have been so different. But I am not going to gaslight myself over it anymore. 😢
💯 I’m the truth teller in my family and my family look at me like I’m the problem for it. 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, as an adult, I now see how weird it was for the adults in my family to say "lying is wrong", but it only applied to _them._ There was an entire script of lies for school and the outside world in general, and if you "tell them our business", you'd get in trouble.
It's 100% accurate too. I'm the truth teller in my family. After years of abuse and trying to get help for myself and my siblings (which never came to fruition because apparently I was a liar! ) And it's amazing how little they listened to children even when showing up to school with proof, being covered in bruises 30+ years ago. I left home at 16 and I'm now almost 45 and don't talk to any of them except one sister. I myself won't be showing up for any of their funerals. There is a special place in hell for my mother and step father.
THISSSSSSS
Not showing up was the most respectful act you could do for someone undeserving of respect. Would they rather have you show up and speak the truth?
I think that every single person that reprimanded him for not showing up for the funeral would've been the exact ones who would've asked him what right he had to be there, if he had actually gone.😢
Also, I think anyone who questions you like this is sus. In my case, very likely to get the boot as well. I live far away so they probably would be blocked immediately.
There are literally ick parents out there that are blaming "social media" for these estrangements. But never themselves.
Really shows the kind of people they are
I always hate the "they're family you have to love them" crap. My parents are wonderful, but my dad's parents are absolute trash, and I refuse to respect them. I didn't even know people had more than one pair of grandparents until I was like 15 because they never reached out to us. Though, maybe it was best not growing up knowing such emotionally abusive people
it's a very similar thing with me. My grandfather was physically and mentally abusing my father but my father acted like nothing was wrong because he goes by "honor thy mother and father" so I thought that I had to love my grandfather. Until my mother's mom(who is also big on "honor thy mother and father") told me *"that man brought harm onto your family, you should treat him with respect, but you do not have to love him."*
Same
I never met my mum's dad, we didn't show up to his funeral, and she refused her share of his inheritance. It doesn't shock me, considering he was so abusive that my mother and her brother proclaimed they would kill him while they were four and six respectively, prompting my grandmother to take her two children and move back to her home country on the other side of the world. No child support, nothing, not even supported by her own family because how dare she leave her husband (thanks 60s-70s misogyny).
I don't even know what he looks like. But, my mother doesn't look like my grandmother's side of the family. And I am a clone of my mother. It's kind of unsettling to think about, so I don't.
Ironically, while from broken homes, both my parents are incredible people.
If blood is what's holding your family together, that just says that you'd sooner be rid of each other if you weren't.
That's not love.
Edit for celerity: "you" in the general sense of the hypothetical reader, not "you" in the specific sense of anyone here, of course, in case that wasn't clear.
At this point I'd just like to throw in here that the actual saying goes "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
Take from that what you will.
I always get tired of the oh “but they’re your family” excuse as if sharing the same blood just immediately erases all of the trauma and emotional damage that they have inflicted on you. Respect is mutual, it shouldn’t be given to a person who doesn’t know how to respect others at all.
Respect is not always mutual. Respect is based upon witness of effort to maintain credibility through integrity. I often wonder about people that want to be respected. I wonder if they feed the poor, visit those in prison. Show love and acceptance of others' thoughts and expression even if they distinctly disagree in their viewpoints. I remind many that you can't build a civilization when everyone has to change their speech and actions to accommodate those subscribe to extreme bias. The argument very often lies with when someone in their life is trying desperately to point them in what they feel is the best direction. You just don't want to hear it.
@@EagleZoo Well I understand what you mean but I’m talking about if you probably respected someone in the past but they continuously disrespected you, then they get surprised when you want nothing to do with them anymore.
@@EagleZoo And tbh, if you push someone so close to the edge like that and abuse and neglect them sm, even if they are a kind person, you can’t possibly expect them to uphold that same kindness towards you anymore.
@@EagleZoo Oh and I also forgot to mention. You don’t have to always do community things to be kind/respectful, and visiting people in prison..it depends on what they did mostly. Like if a loved one did something like murder many innocent people or raped many people etc, I would be devastated to even be related to them.
Coming from a broken family where we all secretly hate each other and drwad passive aggressive family events, it truly is better to just not get involved. Sadly, sometimes it's better for everybody to just go about your separate lives and be happy. Sadly, sometimes blood doesn't mean shit.
OMG! YES! I haven't talked to my narcissistic alcoholic mother or golden child narcissistic brother in 13-years. The more boundaries & limitations I tried to set the more abusive they became. I don't plan on ever talking to them again. They are pure evil & did everything possible to ruin my life & destroy my family.
I realised I was the golden child and my younger sister was the scapegoat, I found out after my sister was already kicked out.
My mother is emotionally garbage as she gaslights me when I tell my problems.
Before that, I've been worried about being a narcissist,
They can keep going on with their toxic lives,sir. You keep living your free healthy one .Stay clear of toxic people.
"But she's you're mother..." Exactly...which means she shouldn't have done what she did to me....f**k that....family members can be toxic too
I absolutely despise how people use their parental relationship against you as if you owe them something. Excuse me, but i did not choose to be born.
You only owe things to people who you choose to do things for. For example, you owe it to your married partner to do chores around the house because you chose to be with them, therefore you have an obligation to make the relatiomship as smooth as possible.
But being born without choice and using, "I raised you, i gave you life, i fed you, i bought things." Is literally just a form of manipulation and abuse. I learned this very quickly when my parents threatened to take away or destroy things they bought for me. What dod i do? I went out and bought my own stuff and keep all my receipts, so they cant threaten to destroy my property because if you do, ill smash up their stupid valuable vehicles they care so much about. I will play fair with you, you want to break something of mine, i get to break something of yours. I have no remorse for people like that. Just like if you punch me, better be prepared to receive a punch in return. You want to manipulate me? Honey, i will gaslight and manipulate you until youre a balling mess and i will not feel anything for it. My parents behavior towards me has taught me how tobe absolutely cold hearted to people who treat me like anything that is not right. I have a big heart, but i am not easily taken advantage of anymore. I can live on my own and fend for myself. I have independence, and that scares people. The fact that i cant be manipulated and abused and gaslit to be dependent on someone else's control scares people away from me, and thats what i want. I dont want you in my life if you cant accept my independence. I will play as a team as long as you work things out with me too. If not, you will not hear the end of me bringing up our issues. Ive met too many people who have said i am the problem and i need to change, okay, i will make adjustments when you make adjustments. Ive been to therapy, i know how to be accountable and self-aware and make immedoate changes. 7+ years of therapy on-and-off. I know myself better than anyone. I can keep my word, but if you dont hold your end of the bargain, then i dont either. You either play fair with me, or you can eat shit. Lol. Because i will literally serve you a cracker on a plate while i eat a full meal to show you how unfair you treat me. Im vindictive. So dont be a part of my life if you dont want to be treated like this. I will 100% throw your unfairness in your face every moment you are a part of my life until you change as well or leave. I cannot stand people who think they know better than you and shame you just because of their age, gender, race, or relationship status. You are a human to me and i will not raise you higher than i raise myself. You will alwaya be on the same level as me because i am not playing into power struggles.
@@Jake38nineWow this was powerful. Im trying to get to a similar place as you. I still have the problem of being too scared to hurt their feelings even though they hurt mine with no remorse. I still have too much empathy when people dont have empathy for me. Being this way just gets me taken advantage of and no one learns their lesson. Im trying to learn how to care about myself more and put myself first and give back the same treatment they give to me because how else will they learn? I hate when people say be the bigger person becasue being the bigger person is just putting up with mistreatment and it just continues.
@amandaolson6682 I still empathize and I still am understanding of my enemies. You have to be empathetic and understanding of your enemies to get beneath their skin. You have to know their triggers. But it is stressful. You have to have a strong mind and will and safe place. I do not recommend acting this way when you have no escape. You have no idea what people will do top. But if you're safe, then go off.
That's why independence is a good trait to learn and have. You have to learn how to take care of yourself and your surroundings before you expect someone else to take care of theirs. Most people have a hard time being alone with themselves. You have to learn how to be alone. You have to learn how to think for yourself. You have to learn how to disagree and question things. That's how you become strong-willed.
The whole "be the bigger person" thing is just a manipulative tactic to keep you stifled. I ignore most hollow advice and get angry at it because you can just hear how fake and disingenuous it is. I'm looking for depth and authenticity within people. Telling someone to be the bigger person or forgive or "be yourself" is the same shallow bs as small talking about the weather everyday with everyone you meet. I don't want to talk about the weather on a surface level, I want to talk about the science and causation of weather AKA Depth. I can't stand shallowness.
Nailed it. That's why I left home at 15 and never went back. It was me or her and I chose me.
@@Jake38nineexactly. I'm there with my mom rn. It's mind boggling, but I'll be okay. All stay strong
*"Want to be respected in death, earn that shit while you're alive"*
-F.D. Signifier
Agreed
Exactly
My verbally/emotionally abusive dad casually and unashamedly said to me "You better not come to my funeral". I was only 12 or 13 at that time; I kept wondering all my life what wrong I have done for him to say such a thing.
Now over 4 years since I have gone little to no contact with my family house, whenever I remember my dad's statement, I feel I would rather not go to his funeral. He never made me feel wanted and loved, he won't even miss me during his last moments. I won't grieve for long either.
I stopped speaking to my mother 16 years ago and it was the hest decision i have ever made. Stay strong.
I don't even know what I would say if I met mine. There is just nothing between us and grandparents rights agenda seems way too wrong, if it ever happened. To think some places have that as an option, regardless how the adult child feels about it. My kid had his great gran, it was plenty. The truth really shows, when the then child leaves and they try damage control, who shows support and who complains
They shame you as an adult when they should've supported you as a child.
His absence is a big reminder of their own shame for ignoring, enabling and burying the abuse
So seems are you are bad, keep blaming parent but not doing better yourself.
This. It's sad but also absolutely hilarious, like taking care of the minimum needs of your child and that gives a parent the right to treat you like shit.
@user-wq9mw2xz3j just cuz you squirt out a child doesn't mean you have the right to mistreat them. Victim blaming is not cool, dude.
@@Jixsurez just because your parent didnt say they you love 100 times a day and give you everything you want doesn't mean you don't have any obligation to them either
Dad left me as a baby. Mom left me at 8. He kept his other children. She kept her other child.
As an adult they expect me to forgive with a 5 minute phone call.
I have a son. I'd rather die by being eaten alive by maggots then to give up my son.
That’s beyond rough. Abandonment is so damaging. I’m sorry that that happened to you.
Omg, that’s horrible!! 💔
My dad left when I was a baby, but my mom kept me. But… She was emotional neglectful, and told me when I was 16 that she wished she had given me up for adoption 😢 I have abandonment issues to this day.
@@ambermac77 So sorry to hear that..❤🌹🌹
I hear you totally. My mom stayed til I was 19, and I still don't have anything for her. She didn't think of that, I guess.
@@newlifebetteryou thank you! I’m 46 and still working things out. 💖
Poor guy, RESPECT for telling the truth and nothing but the truth.
Omg you just explained my life with my dad 100%, I won’t attend his funeral when he dies and to be honest, I don’t care what my family says, it’s my decision and what I can live with, not anyone else’s
Yes. there is no point to attend a toxic family member funeral if people are not in good terms and treat people with disrespect. Doesn’t matter if it’s blood. Toxic is toxic end of story.
When family members side with the abuser, they are just as toxic. Self care is freedom.
👍🏽Absolutely 👍🏽
And they get cut off as well.
Enabling my abuser sends a clear message that you don't care about me.
My dad's side is full of narcissists (including him), only one positive note is they noticed one of their siblings is toxic. However, they still can't look at themselves, and see they are also the problem to everyone else outside of the family, and inside
@@ms.pirate I have also noticed how narcissism can be pervasive in varying degrees and spread among close relatives.
I'm preparing to go NC with a narcissistic parent. I'm gonna block a lot of people.
Sometimes it's nice to be reminded that you're not the only one having you're kind of problems. Thank you, this couldn't have come at a more appropriate time for me.
Me too! 😁see my comment.....
🙏
Me too.
Same here
Yes!!
This hits so true. It's been a year since my mom died and I didn't talk to her for the last fifteen years of her life.
I'm sorry you lost your mom, but I'm also proud of you for knowing your limitations in life and what was good for you. Mine has been gone almost 20 years, and I have never had a day of regret for not speaking to her for the last 18 years of her life. My aunt (who said to me more than once that she wished she had been my mom, instead of her sister) kept me in the loop, and that was just fine. That was enough.
“The only thing a family hates more than an abuser is a truth teller.” Yep.
Cutting out toxic siblings did wonders for my mental health. Parents don't get it but respect it and don't press me on it. Lol they did the same to several aunts and uncles.
l just decided to go no contact with my brother after he told me im faking my DID and that my trauma "couldn't possibly be that bad". Told my mom about it today and she got pretty upset and said "thats sad". As if it was purely my fault I'm cutting contact. Its so tiring to be treated like I'm the problem when l try and set boundaries and stand up for myself. Just wanted to vent.
I just went non contact with my brother, and i know he told my parents and they all would have bad mouthed my husband (he is making me). Yet i have spoken to each parent this week and not a word as they have been using my brother to speak for them. (i am low contact with my parents but only because of my children)
Haha, I went low/ no contact with my sister a couple years ago. My grandfather is still waiting for us to "get over" our differences. I love him and generally he's a great guy but old fashioned in the way that he doesn't believe in mental health or therapy so his opinion (nor anyone elses) matter in that regard.
Keep one doing what's best for you!
@@euryid8920 don’t know you but I am proud of you setting boundaries and doing what is right for you own well being. Parents like their adult kids to get along but sometimes siblings change, or feel entitled to expressing their hurtful opinions, or even like to start drama. It’s ok to set boundaries and when that doesn’t work then it’s time to take alternate steps to create distance, how ever that looks.
I didn't get to know my half siblings until I was 13 (they were 10, 9 and 6 at that time). Me and the then 10 year old grew closest, we shared similar interests. I went through a traumatic time thanks to my "father" and when I finally stood up for myself and turned him in, all them turned on me, including my sister I was closest with. It hurt and sometimes still does. But I'd rather have no contact than to be around those horrible people ever again.
No child makes the Decision to go no contact with their parent lightly. If they do 99% of the time that parent is messed up and deserves the alienation
The term is estranged parents...& yes the overwhelming majority absolutely had it coming for a LONG time.Parental alienation is when an underage child is kept away from the other parent usually after the parents break-up, a lot of narcs do this 💩 to their kids so they'll hate the other parent😮💨.Great post,just 💭 I'd clear the terms up since a lot of folks get parental alienation & estranged parents mixed up.Some of these estranged parent buttholes are purposely trying to muddy the waters by mixing these terms up in their whiny videos🤢.
Exactly
Exactly. Just common sense.
Exactly 💯
Exactly
Let’s be honest.
We all saw the redness in his eyes. I feel it. This man must be protected.This guy is helping us,while he expierenced something cruel..❤
Everyone in my family was scape goated by my father. I wouldn't keep the ' family secrets ' and was labeled a blabber mouth because I was the truth teller in the family.
"But you should act like an adult!" Why do I have to, but no one else does? Sometimes anger keeps me up at night. Thank you for the video. I feel more understood now.
Adults don't engage with people who hurt them. So their words are right but they don't understand them. Protecting yourself and leaving behind people who weaken and hurt you, that is how an adult acts.
@@anjafrohlich1170 thank you. I needed to hear that.
A good, rational adult will leave behind something or someone that's hurting them, and move on.
@@ianluk6385 yes. Easier said than done when they're supposed to be "family". I'll send you a mesage for Christmas because at some point I'm gonna have to see you in person- but don't start being chatty cause I couldn't care less. 🙄
I'd say "why don't YOU act like an adult and respect my boundaries?"
"The one thing a family hates more than an abuser, is a truth teller" truest words you have ever said, sir.
With this statement my confusion lifted and I understand what it is I'm going through.
Its like that in politics too
I didn't go "no contact" with my dad. I just started to put the same amount of work into the relationship that he did. I think my aunts finally understood when they asked me how my dad is doing and I asked them what his response was to my cousin's wedding invitation, and the follow-up call when they tried to ask him if he was coming and got no response from him. I think they finally got it when my response to "but he's your dad" was "and he's your brother."
You know it's bad when both of your children don't talk to u
I went no contact 11 years ago. Best decision I have ever made. Last year after a decade of trying to make it work with my little sister, I also had to go no contact with her. Honestly there is no doubt in my mind that I'm the bad guy in their story, but at least they're not part of mine anymore. Who needs blood ties when they only strangle you ?
"Honestly there is no doubt in my mind that I'm the bad guy in their story, but at least they're not part of mine anymore."
I needed to read this exact thing because my toxic family's perception of me and how they would talk about me to others in our family has been a big reason for me holding off on going NC when I really need to, and this is what I needed to read tonight. Thank you.
"Who needs blood ties when they only strangle you" is such a metal sentence and im gonna use that in the future for sure!
The amount of toxicity family members have can be damaging to the person on the long run, mentally, physically and emotionally.
Cutting people off is a good way to ensure your safety and well-being.
Everyone loves to put you in the bad guy box without knowing the whole story at times. But eventually you get to be at peace with it
Best description ever!! Thank you!
Completely understandable why people would go no contact. The fact that people will always stand up for and defend abusers is absolutely insane to me even though I should not be at all surprised.
Yeah. It's crazy how many blame the victims for defending ourselves.
The victims are expected to keep being abused just so everyone around them can pretend things are normal. It's time we made it the other way round - the abuser has to clean their shit up to be accepted.
@@fionaanderson5796 Absolutely! Accountability for the abusers, empowerment for survivors, and education for everyone else around. I hope you're healing well 💙💙💙 Sending hugs & solidarity to you
Unfortunately people who grow up with abuse tend to protect the abusers until they get help.
it makes me livid
@@fionaanderson5796 in context it's kinda funny how if somebody well known is an abuser/assaulter the public walks the line on blaming the victim(s), but when it's average people it's typically their family that blames the victim(s).
I agree. Same with my mother. No contact. I did not go to her funeral either. Years of my abuse. No thank you.
Truer words have been spoken on deaf ears.
I feel you brother. Your health and sanity are way more important than
So true. Your family will forgive you for murder but they will NEVER forgive you for telling the truth about what shitty, selfish parents they were
True
It's tough. I'm a weird ass that would go to the funeral and mourn the person I wish they were with the jealousy I had of other parents that were good. I would hope to hear a true story of them that was good and wish I knew them as that. A story of their childhood or something about them before I knew them. Even meeting someone else at the funeral who is as hurt as myself.
What’s wrong with murder ?
Does know where I can find the original video??? Tiktok is banned in my country so is there like a youtube link??
@@rdavila26 you remove someone from a family and it’d be worse if the parents are old and they had no siblings
My family was only fortunate in that we had a large number of people who knew how bad my grandfather was. Our parents made sure the granddaughters were Never alone with the man. His own daughters and wife knew what he would and had done to them.
(Quick edit: he was sent to prison for it several times)
Most of the family showed up just to make sure he was really dead dead. Only one person cried at the funeral and she got looks cast at her that clearly implied she was insane. No one wanted to talk for his eulogy and half of us were trying not to laugh at the minister's usual speal about being a "child of god".
I'm glad you turned out far better than your father.
We were also never left alone with one of our grandfathers. I think we only visited because of our Grandma because I don't remember seeing him ever again. I didn't know why then but I'm very grateful now that I do. It's chilling that people are like that and there's families out there that will cover it up and pretend it didn't happen.
Did someone steel spike the heart, you know just in case, Romanian style.
@@Iansco1 If he was buried alive I think the lack of oxygen would finish him off.
Wow, getting laughed at by your family at your own funeral. His life was garbage. I can’t imagine living such a pathetic, disgusting life
Gracious of y’all to have a funeral at all. He deserved a cardboard box and an incinerator.
An abuser father is one thing, but it's 10x worse when you have an enabling mother who does not protect you. It's also terrible when both of your parents are narcs. One is a covert narc and the other is a malignant narc.
@@Ark-ys2up i love to hear it. Im happy for you. Im working on doing the same thing this year.
@@Ark-ys2upmy relationship with my enabling mom was built on my hopes alone, That all shattered when I at age 60 realized she had sometimes PURPOSEFULLY triggered him to beat us to get space. I had innocently thought she was a fellow victim,
So I lost nothing but my illusions but everything I had thought about her. She did “protect” me a lot but it was her fault I was in danger at all because he wasn’t an occasional abuser but a constant one.
I totally agree with you and anyone who doesn't had a good dad and will never understand! Take care of yourself and don't worry about what anyone else thinks!!!! Wishing nothing but good for you!!!💜
“How does my kid never talk to me? all I did was give them a horrible childhood!”
“Oh honey I don’t know. Could be them being one of them gays.”
Lemme say most of the shitty parants are kinda homophobic or more will blame stuff instead of blaming themselves
I hate you dad
Lmao ikr? It’s funny and sad that they refuse to understand this, even if you tell them they will just be in denial about it.
And that childhood seeps into your adult life affecting your self worth and image, along with relationships you try to forge. I broke away from my mother for almost 5 years. Then she had an accident and I relented, only to end up going through trauma again by her hand. When you realise that she values money more than a relationship and your health there is only one option.
But as with all narcissistic individuals, they are the victim and the stories they fabricate to keep that image are nothing short of wicked.
I did my absolute best, with an undiagnosed disability that kept me from working.
And I've constantly been told it wasn't good enough.
My best wasn't good enough. Let that sink in.
“If there’s one thing a family hates more than an abuser is a truth teller” truer words have never been spoken!
💯
The abuser and the dysfunctional family wants you to shut up and play your role within the dysfunction. How dare you step out of the role they assigned you. What makes you think you can act on your own values and interests? 😄
It was this portion of the statement that really hit me.
That is such a powerful statement... ❤️❤️❤️
Yes! Me and my cousin are the truth tellers in our family. No one loves it in Camp Let’s Mourn the Abuser, yet it sure feels great to not have to pretend we didn’t go through that and it really just frees up space (cuz it lets us know who is worthy of our time) for our various chosen families to fill our lives❤
As the one person with no filter in my family, yes..
We’re doing way better and I’m quite sure some credit goes to me just sorta, getting fed up at some point and just letting it all out.
Our parents are not bad people, and my evidence is that they did listen in the end,, so yeah at least there’s my story on it!
"but she's your mom"
AND IS THAT MY FAULT?
When they say “ family comes first“ the response should always be “ Cain and Abel were family and we know how that ended “
Remember y'all: When people say you're ruining the family, they don't actually care about the family. Because you were family but they did nothing to protect you.
"You're ruining the family." is just them telling you that they don't care about YOUR lived experiences, that they're angry at you because your actions expose THEIR bad behaviour.
You arent ruining the family, you're ruining the illusion of a happy family they want everyone else to see and you dont owe it to them to keep that fantasy book bullshit up
Facts 📠📠
Most of the time, they don't even believe you when you tell them about the bad experiences. Then when they do believe you, they say it doesn't matter because some random kid in Africa or North Korea has it worse
My brother yelled at me for moving out at 19, because "who's gonna help mom?" My favorite was "(step)dad hasn't hit you or anything since we moved to the new house" like all the times he gave me a bloody nose, kicked me, and spit on me from ages 3 to 14 were just water under the bridge and all the times he locked me out of my room so I couldn't even change clothes or get my back pack didn't count.
It's that you're "Ruining the image of a good, stable, healthy, family in the eyes of outsiders." Narcissists care about how they are perceived by everyone else, so by you not showing up to the Funeral, it gave the impression that something is wrong with the family, thus you get blamed for ruining that image in the eyes of others. They don't care about your pain, because it doesn't matter.
"If there's one thing a family hates more than an abuser, it's a truth teller" That one fact destroyed my entire life from childhood.
Parental alienation is also Loud . When you choose to keep their mothers secrets because you're more concerned about the children's mental health . Make sure you actually Know your Truth .
Yep
Same here.
I'm so glad that you broke free of that cycle. I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm also deeply impressed by- and grateful for- the kind, honest, and outspoken man you've become. It's all the more amazing because you did it independently; you chose your own path. 🥰
Society are pointing fingers to children for going no contact with their abusive parents. But none of them ask the parents in question what have they done to their kids.
So true. Everyone wants everything swept under the rug. Dying doesn’t make someone not an asshole.
I can understand respecting the dead to an extent. If they were a piece of shit when they had a pulse, them being in the ground doesn't automatically undue all they did. If they weren't respectful and just a downright horrible human being in life, than its only justified they be remembered that way
👏🏽
@@TheUndeadOhioan1999 yeah they made their own choice of how to treat others, and in that they cannot expect to be missed nor mourned over. They made their bed.
@@sandras2624 unfortunately the sad truth is that theres a 99% chance that at least one person is going to be sad they're gone, and even defend them. Without going too into detail, a HUGE chunk of my family are toxic and have royally fucked me up, honestly looking forward to when they're dead and won't lose an ounce of sleep saying the truth. Some may say you must eventually forgive somebody who wronged you, and how its the "morally right" thing to do. Anybody who says that is either blind, ignorant, is one of the lucky ones to not experience stuff that leads to life long trauma, or all of the above
Wwll said.
"You're ruining the family by not talking to your mom" well she ruined my childhood and my whole life. I'm not gonna let her ruin it anymore.
"But but she is your mom. She made a mistake. Forgive her."
She did nothing when my uncle gropped me and blamed it on my clothes. I was wearing a lose t-shirt and baggy pants.
You go girl! My aunts tried to push me/guilt trip me into reconnecting with my mom. Not happening after all the psychological abuse I suffered through my whole life. Haven’t talked to them in 4 years, and I have never been better!
@@erenssister.5535 I’m sorry. You are strong and f’k them!
Yeeessss queen
@@sbs.2759 honestly I live with my dad and stepmom. They are amazing I cut off all contact with mom as soon as I turned 18 because she kept inviting my molester into the house. I moved into a college in my dad's city. I am in much better shape. My mom can rot in hell. She is a vile woman who cheated on my dad multiple times and still blames my dad.
A while back I met someone, and after talking for a while they told me they had cut off a family member and had no contact with him. I said congratulations, and they said they were surprised, because most people tried the whole "but he's your family" thing. I was honestly kind of surprised that they didn't get congratulated more often for having the courage and bravery to make and follow through on their choice.
No one cuts off a relative who should be in their life
This is EXACTLY what i needed to see today. Thank you
"There's one thing a family hates more than an abuser and that's a truth teller " literal goosebumps.... he just explained my last 10 years... 🤯
Yep.😢sorry this happens to do many kids.
And it's generational bc people damaged hurt the next generation.
So painful
And if the abuser is funny, charasmatic, provides money, ect.... they like the abuser BETTER.
100%!!!
"But they are your parents!" / "Be a bigger person!"
I. Would. Not. I will be a little orphan gremlin if that will save me from more trauma and drama
If I could "like" this more than once, I absolutely would! I wish you many peaceful, drama-free days! 🌻
I been their done that
You already are a bigger person. You were always the bigger person. You aren’t an abuser. You want a healthier world. That’s enormously good.
My father abandoned me when I was 6, but previous to that he was physically and (seggsually) a busive. When he threw me across the bed my eye scraped the corner of my nightstand, removing a tiny bit of the white of my eyes and leaving all sorts of bruises. My mother had enough, no longer believing that I was just being a tomboy and hyperactive child.
"You see her while I'm present or not at all", and he chose the latter.
When my uncle, his brother, passed away he decided to use my devastated and mourning grandmother as a tool to get me to speak with him. This was the first time I had seen him since being that little girl. I had never forgotten the things he did.
"Would you like to meet X?"
"No." That was all I said.
While she was grieving for her adult son passing away, he talked her into trying to make amends with me instead of doing so himself, I assume he did so in hopes of using her as a shield. Probably knowing I would never try to hold him accountable because I didn't want her to be hurt knowing the truth or to cause a fuss at a funeral.
I was 19 and what I learned is that people don't change. He was still the sneaky and manipulative shithead he had always been. I've kept that lesson close to my heart ever since, and no one understands that lesson unless they've been through it themselves. Now if anyone tells me that "he's my father, I should give him a chance" I cut them off immediately if they persist once I explained why he doesn't get another chance.
@bina nocht this is one of those things that's so much easier to say when you're not the one sitting in the middle of it.
Not saying that they took the right way out just that the decision is so much more complicated when it's your own to make.
Truth= it's one thing that people hate more than an abuser is a truth teller
Truth. Thank you for saying that truth loud. It is true.
I remember a rough time in my relationship with my mother, my dad was telling me to try to forgive her and to be the bigger person and I told him "why do I need to be the adult in this? She is the parent".
It is not easy to go throught that kind of trauma and stand your ground. You are so strong.
Remember , when people tell you to "be the bigger person" they're actually asking you to pretend it didn't happen so they don't have to confront the idea that they or someone else is abusive or toxic in your life
If you're the one always being told to be bigger, you are. They're just narcissists
!!!
especially that they didn't protect you as children/looked the other way. If they see you accept/forgive them, they can forgive themselves.
Yes. It's their way of excusing their complete neglect of that child (who was you) when they knew EXACTLY what was going on, but dud NOTHING to prevent it.
Haha just noticed my typo there....
What a perfect typo! 😂
BINGO!
Finally validation feels good
From a therapist: a toxic family tends to rally around the most toxic member. They don't hate an abuser at all. They really hate and punish truth tellers who don't allow them to be comfortable in their toxicity
The flying monkeys? (aka enablers) are just as bad
💯
❤
I agree with this comment. I'm not doing toxic anything and I refuse to allow my toxic son who unfortunately is on some hard drugs treat me like crap. And in my opinion, when people use hard drugs and turns them into something totally different and they try to take discipline situations that ultimately save their lives and try to redirect their behavior, and yet the adult child goes around telling horrific storytelling events just to take or divert their lack of responsibility for themselves I gave my child tough love and he went around to family and friends being a narcissist. Today I'm at peace as I will be tomorrow.
Yeah
I don't know why it took me so long to look up this .. I should've done it 10 years ago .. this is more therapy than 10 years of therapy... thank u sooo much!!!
You are Brave. Amazing that my thoughts process was described by a person that does NOT Read my mind and yet is describing many mental struggles I have in general. Which sadly Calms me, since I wish Nobody else suffered the same thing, Yet it sadly calms me because I'm not the only one that suffered yet I wish the horrible general childhood I had never happened either for me, or the other person.
You are Brave thanks for this video.
The black sheep of the family, that uncle, or aunt, who stays away and doesn’t talk that much… Is generally the person who can see through all the bullshit and refuses to engage with it
True im the same way whats worst for me is i said i would go back to being a family if they were willing to apologize for all the bad but no one wanted to so now my only family is my friends
Usually because all we can focus on is bullshit. I know because I have always been the black sheep. Tough pill to swallow
I just never felt close to my family other than my mom and when she passed away I had no need to see my 3 sisters or father anymore it's been 20 years I don't know if they're alive or dead
There is no such person in my family, all caught up in bs except me and my sister, who's studying psychology tho. She knows damn well, and I got diagnosed secretly after I could go to therapy alone.
That's my brother and I. Everyone else seems to blissfully unaware or worse.
And they never believe you because that person is always so damn charming when everyone's around but the second they're alone with you it's all over
The lightening rod catches it when there is no witness.
Lmao one of my dad's friends said to me as a joke "haha you don't know what your daddy's like when he's mad, you're so spoiled" AND I WISH I HAD HAD THE GUTS TO TELL HER "NO, ///YOU/// DONT KNOW WHAT HES LIKE WHEN HES MAD" ffs I still regret that, but I guess he would have just laughed and pretended to be all sweet and then get pissed at me later so you know, maybe it was a blessing in disguise
He's not even actually that charming... He's actually just an asshole, people just choose to see him as "funny" instead
Yes!! Exactly. My aunt is like this; she manipulates and charms the hell out of people when she’s around them.. it’s just since covid that the outside world is starting to see it too.. she has no filter anymore so everyone deals with her abuse now.
Oh look, other people experience it too 😁
I want there to be a law in this country that allows people to legally change their name and have the court record sealed without having to provide a reason. People can't always prove the abuse or the cult like behavior, but they should still be able to move, change their name, and have the record sealed so no one can find them or their new identity. I'm so tired of this.
The “supporters” of the abusive parent think they have something to gain (financially etc) so they shun the truth teller.
You have no idea how much I needed this. I’m an adult child who is currently looking for apartments and moving out as soon as possible and definitely going no contact once I do and deep down, I know it’s for the right reasons, but I can’t help but be made to feel guilty, so thank you, really. I’m crying right now. You have no idea how much this helps. My sister did it and we were all made to hate her, to the point she had I haven’t had a relationship in almost a decade. In between that time, the abuse from my parents got so bad that my brother died as a result. I won’t do the same, though I have contemplated suicide more times than I care to admit. I will follow in my sister’s footsteps. I will get out. I will be happy. I will stay alive long enough to do that for myself and for my brother, because he never had the chance.
Reading your story really hits home. I cut contact with my father 6 years ago and all of my brothers stopped speaking to me as a result. I never wanted them to feel like they had to pick a side but our father made them choose, and being minors at the time they naturally picked him. They're adults now and still don't speak to me. I miss them immensely. I hope that when you break free, you reach out to your sister. I'm sure she will be so happy to hear from you.
Hello,
Go to Sam Vaknin narcissism revisited.
Thank me later ❤
I hope it gets better.I know this is random but my motivation to live is to be able to cover Ben Sharpo's grave in pride flags and if it needs to be more subtle, rainbow flowers 😌 in all seriousness, you are worth it, and you deserve happiness
I pray you and your sister restore your relationship.
I wish you all the best in the world, you can do this!
"if there's one thing a family hates more than an abuser its a truth teller" I SCREAMED 😭😭😭😭
This made my day 😊😁😆
@@consolee.945 Hahaha 🤣 ty
So true.
Same so loud
Currently going through this right now with both my mom and dad. I cut off contact with my dad years ago, but my mom keeps trying to force a relationship with him. It’s both tiring and frustrating because of the lack of respect for boundaries, as well as being seen as the villain for dissociating myself from him. I’m contemplating cutting my mom off as well because she’s not respecting my sister and I’s boundaries.
Everyone out there
Don't ever feel bad for protecting yourself from suffering ❤ You have the right to stay safe
So effin true!
My turn to trauma dump:
What gets me the most is how many people that don't know me have done this to me. The second they hear that I don't speak to my mother, it's "but she's your mom, you must love her!" She literally never formed a bond with me as a baby and proceeded to treat me terribly since- I have never felt love for her because she has never shown love to me.
They often seem to think I'm incapable of love then too. Then they hear me gushing about my boyfriend, my friends, and even my belated cat (she was my savior growing up). If anyone is incapable of love, it's the narcissist that incubated me and got back pats for not aborting me as if that wouldn't have been more responsible 🤷🏻♀️
I went no contact 13 years ago as of this xmas eve and it is the best decision of my life. I have never regretted it. She brought nothing but pain and disappointment while I, her child, tried to have a relationship with her.
tldr; people in general seem to have a deep-seeded need to act like they've never heard of parents abusing their children, which is why I speak so openly about it. Ignoring it enables the abuse, I refuse.
I'm so sorry you still get people doing that. I haven't had that happen with me, thankfully, as I went no contact with my dad a decade ago, and have even told people of it. The only real responses I get are "Well that sucks, he was a disappointment (my mom and family)" or "Dang. Anyway."
If an adult child goes no contact with a parent, there's always a reason.
And victims benefit from seeing others stories it helps them feel not alone and may even encourage them to reach out and get help. Keep spreading your truth love ❤
It changed a fair bit for me when I got older. In my 20's people thought I must be a brat. Bit older and people tend to figure it was a pretty serious decision.
My mom was abusive as well and my father was older than sliced bread, so my childhood was awful! I’m sorry you went through that pain and suffering. I’m glad you decided to cut off your toxic parent, leave that shit for the birds!
I’m glad you had your cat-they are wonderful little saviors. And yeah, narcissistic parents are….hoooboy, the damage they do. Thank you for speaking up and out, and paving the way for it to be easier for others. That’s really important, and often unacknowledged, work.
The best thing I did was walk away from a narcissistic mother. She made my childhood, teenage years and early 20's hell.
Wow sorry to here that
My life is just getting worst
I am in my early 20s and almost mid 20s in 1 more year And still getting abused
Same
Same here
Trying to explain this to my coworkers about my grandparents and they keep trying to make me seem like the bad person
I moved to another state and my mother couldn't get ahold of me but she somehow sent me a dollar on the venmo and said Happy mother's Day because I didn't call her and then called me a pea-rick so I blocked the venmo app, today is her birthday. I've gone no contact for a few years now and I understand that man's pain. They had nothing but hate for me the whole time I was there, then I leave and now they act like I'm selfish and abandoning them LOL but not LOL at all
Gaslighting and infuriating
The “black sheep” of the family is usually the one who is actually seeing things for how truly are.
And villified for having the audacity to point out the problems. “How dare you say it out loud!”
Yep, one of my uncles accused me of trying to shove my grandpa into a nursing home to get money because I said he shouldn't be unsupervised ever. Why? Because he kept trying to leave to "go home". Whenever he was done with whatever was going on he would just walk out the door of wherever he was to "go home". Even if he was already at home or in another country. I was just worried about him. Also how would him being in a nursing home give me money? They're EXPENSIVE!!
This’s comment is me to the T
wairt is black sheep an offensive phrase bc i heard it can be racist
No, it’s a psychological term used with toxic families
I had the opposite happen. My elder brother was horrifically abusive throughout my childhood and teenage years. My mother, this beautiful and compassionate pillar in my life, used to just hold me in her arms as he screamed and yelled about all sorts of things. He hit her, pushed her, tormented her, and used protective services as a tool to strip my mother of her voice and any freedom to punish him. Social workers saw her as the villain and left us in hell... Yet, my mother was always blamed for destroying the family, and for speaking out. Her friends told her to abandon/kick out my brother but the family shamed her for even arguing with him.
Yet, that beautiful woman put me in therapy because she saw how much I was suffering. Although because he was so young there’s now this weird expectation that we have to wipe it all under the rug, that those were difficult teenage years.
No contact with him was the best thing I did in my life. It was euphoria and safety. My therapist could focus on helping me heal instead of how to protect myself emotionally. I struggled to speak about my experiences but my silence was more powerful than any words I could have used.
"My therapist could focus on helping me heal instead of how to protect myself emotionally."
Wow. That hit deep.
@@Tericlay RIGHT. I was going to come here and comment on that. Wow.
Older brothers are supposed to protect you, shield you when your parents can't, tell you about things you need to know when your parents don't want to, be your backup and be the one person you can go to if no else wants to listen or you can't tell. I wouldn't even call yours a brother anymore, just a man that your mother gave birth to when he didn't deserve to be even associated with her.
I have an older sister who also feels she "entitled" , but not here. she'll have to rely on all those people she's been lying to for year.
I'm so sorry for you and your mother. I'm glad at least you seem to understand she wanted to love you (and probably felt terrible her own offspring could be the way your brother was). I can't imagine that struggle of needing to kick out a child due to that but also feeling guilty of letting him out into the world like that.
Listening to people talk about how sweet my dad was at his funeral sure was something.
Most abusers and enablers want a scapegoat…it makes them look better.
yes. i went no contact with my narcissitic mother and she took me to court to try and force her presence into my life. i'm not even joking.
How ? Is such a thing too do? And what you ask to the court to do ?
What
That is the craziest (albeit, most believable) thing I've ever heard!
Is such a thing possible?
Grandparents have sued, and won, rights to see their grandkids in the US.
As long as you don't have kids I don't see any legal ground.
My favorite thing my therapist told me when I was sad about cutting my father out was, "People say you only have one family, well you only have one appendix, but when that fu(ker is trying to kill you you cut that b@stard out of your life" Really helped me with not only cutting out my father but my brother also.
That therapist is a badass. They spoke with their heart
I pray that you pray for them. Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm...Eph 6:12
We, who get to know and acknowledge and receive the abundant love and abundant mercy of our Creator who loves each of his creation equally, strive to die to ourselves and become the hands, feet, mouth, and heart of Him who gives us life. Your pain is known by Him. He is the great healer. And the norm is that the hurting are the ones he uses to bring the offenders into Truth. I pray your family makes amends to you and pays your forgiveness for them (God will do the judging better than we ever could!) forward. Hope to see you in Paradise when the earth is made anew and there will be no more tears! Evil WILL be separated from Good for eternity, as He promised. Read the Word. He'll talk to you!
@@1GINAMARIE you guys don't miss an opportunity to preach,do you? Disgusting!
@@1GINAMARIE keep your religion to yourself. Freedom of religion includes freedom from religion.
That's beautiful 👌
my mom was a VERY negative part of my life. she was SUPER lazy and that negative influence had an impact on me. i don't talk to her much anymore and I've started to turn my life around.
The black sheep of my mother's family is my youngest aunt, who called out my grandpa for being a child molester. The family protected him, his church protected him, and my aunt wasn't going to accept that shīt because keeping silent had allowed him to traumatize and damage two generations of little girls. Including me, but I was far from the only one.
When he died there was a graveside memorial service and nothing else. And when my other aunts who had kept silent wanted a big church funeral, my youngest aunt said she would be happy to show up and let the entire congregation know how many little girls he had molested over the years.
They stuck with the graveside service.