@@mechaniraThey are talking about how family members would rather silence victims and hide the wrong doing of their abusive or even rapist family members to keep the family from looking bad
@@mechaniraFor real? I'll tell you that in many cultures, having an outwardly successful, shiny public image is something that must be protected at all costs. If the reality is one of abuse, neglect and rampant narcissism, and a child "outs" his/her parents as being crappy parents, the fury of the family will fall on them - because now everyone knows they're actually shitty people instead of the paragons of virtue and hood parenting they want to portray themselves as.
@@toffeenut1336 that has to be the parent’s raising of the child then because until they’re a certain age, they literally are dependent on the parents, they are powerless.
@@toffeenut1336why does someone always have to make this point. It's not about that. It's about victims of terrible parents. If it doesn't apply it's not for you.
It’s kinda hard to ditch abusive family members if you’re still a kid, you’re disabled , or financially unstable. In all of those cases, you literally need your family to survive.
@Lunakitty1234 Absolutely, many are trapped like that for years, so it's important to get good grades in school and then try to assert your financial Independence as quickly as possible.
And we also have PEACE! When family members are upset by truth telling, I feel compassion for them; because it comes from a place of fear. My actions are shaking their reality and it's scary. I get it. It's not going to change MY life, but I get it; and they're allowed to cope in whatever way they choose.
A parent can have multiple children but you can only have one mother and one father. They can afford to discard you if you are ungrateful but you can afford to deny your roots. When we trim the leaves of a plant, they regrow but when we cut off the roots, it dies.
@marvelousoui4393 I glad you seem to have a great relationship with both patents/guardians. I get where you are coming from with your opinion, but why minimize a person's worth to owing their parent or not losing touch with your roots/you can be replaced? That is an apathetic view on traumatic experiences and the ability to enforce the concept 'no, never again'. I have no contact with my father, but my sister is working on having a relationship with him. I can see him as a person with scars of his own or flaws, doesn't mean I should force myself to forgive trauma and fear he gave me during my most vulnerable years of life. Adult children who do this are not being rash, holding grudges, or missing out on a relationship. They are deciding to live the fullest life possible without trying to put in constant effort to please their abusers. I worked to have a relationship with my dad but realized, at 18, that he would continue to hurt me and my sister. I would continuously be harmed. Also, don't ever have more than one child with the expectation of discarding or expecting them to care for you if you raise them. How you treat your kids will determine the relationship later in life.
I understand. My father was emotionally and physically abusive, so I wrote him off. I did not go to the funeral. Everyone told me I’d regret it. It’s been just over 16 years. Still DON’T regret it.
Yup haven't talked to my abusive father for 10 years. My mom is using the excuse I'll regret it. Her dad was horrible to her and walked out of her life at 3 years old. So she told us at 18 she traveled from NY to NC to a retirement home she went to him just to cuss him out. He didn't recognize her or even knew who she was because he has over 20 kids. She wasted money for nothing and the dude still ain't gave a f*** and died peacefully. My father is still alive and I still won't talk to him.
Man... It's so sad to hear that. It hurts me just thinking about it. But I can understand, in a way I'm lucky to have a loving family, so I can imagine that's not the case for everyone. After all, we didn't decide to be born. But I can't help thinking that if parents are like this, there must be a reason ? Were they brought up that way ? Are they desperate, ill or completely lost ? Sometimes, even as adults, it's complicated to deal with emotions, and even as parents they're still human. But if course that shouldn't excuse their behavior...
My abusive father took his anger on our dog too (slammed his head on the floor, kicked him in the ribs and he flew halfway across the apartment...) sooo what if they answer yes? T-T Well i do think my family would hate him after hearing that he hit the dog, but why is hitting his wife and daughter not enough...?
My dad hit and kicked my dogs when mad at them. Now the first one is scared of random objects and jumps at noise. 😁 I was the autistic kid, unfortunately. You can imagine how my relationship with my father is.
I am being the bigger person by not allowing myself to be engaged by behaviour that isn't acceptable, and pivoting my energy towards constructive loving endeavours.
@@ssboschky When you don't engage with unacceptable behavior you are passively letting it continue to exist. I understand that this is very difficult to deal with terrible behavior and I think it isn't our job to fix everyone. What we do need is not turn a blind eye to bad behavior. We can't just say "yeah this is bad, but I'm not gonna do anything about it because it's a waste of time". If we can't convince the person doing the terrible thing, we can at least convince others that they shouldn't be like this.
@@htpkey yeah, like say something. just don't accknowledge their stupidity. but don't stay quiet. your words are the most important. you are NOT as small as they want you to be. as they try to make you believe. you are much much louder and wiser. as long as we can handle it and it doesn't cost us our mental health, baby steps, absolutely. that's a hard one. need the right tools hah Not easy but not impossible! ☺️🤗
It's strange how people expect you to be the bigger person when, beforehand, they treated you like you were so small that you were practically invisible to them
Sometimes it's nice to be reminded that you're not the only one having your kind of problems. Thank you, this couldn't have come at a more appropriate time for me.
That's so we'll said. Thank you for sharing this. There's so many of us that have lived thru this. I wish more ppl understand they are NOT alone. That single fact, that I was not alone, helped me feel so much better. I hope it helps someone else.
I victim blame those who victim blame. They are shocked when you use their words against them. It puts them into the position of a victim being blamed because they feel like they are the victim in that situation.
"if theres one thing a family hates more than an abuser, its a truth-teller" is one of the hardest truths I've ever had to accept. Even my siblings who agree with me and also understand the extent of my mom's abuse (especially to me as the only daughter) hate the fact that I won't just accept it and humor her
Have you read Jeannette McCurdays new autobiography? Really might be relatable. She writes about the relationship with her narcissistic mother as the only daughter
@@Raddiebaddie Yes, it's incredible ❤️ I was so happy she was able to write about her experience because it started such an important conversation. She has done so much for victims of parental narcissistic abuse
Your probably the problem. Just thought you should know. Normal people dont go on the internet and talk badly about family even if their in the right. Im assuming the guy in the video he is the problem too. I dont care if people cut of bad family members. But people who will trash on anyone in front of strangers for likes and attention. In my experience they are the real shitty people. Just putting that out there do with it as you please.
@@captaintony1227 i actually didnt do any of the things you mentioned here but i'm sorry if you are easily triggered, upset or confused. i recommend just not engaging with content that makes you feel this way because it seems like a waste of valuable energy and it's causing you to make assumptions or "fill in the blanks" about strangers. i tend to find that people who seek out content they don't agree with and reply to comments with unrelated rants and judgments are generally unstable and easily offended. you could probably benefit from grounding exercises and doing a mental inventory on why you make those assumptions. it seems as though you are just projecting but who am I to say!
Literally this, my siblings directly experienced the abuse and my older brother still thinks I should talk to her again. She abused him too, being a mother means nothing if you treat your kids the way she did us, as far as I’m concerned she was an egg donor and an incubator
I know I am not popular in certain family circles myself. Too bad for them, because it could have been so different. But I am not going to gaslight myself over it anymore. 😢
Yeah, as an adult, I now see how weird it was for the adults in my family to say "lying is wrong", but it only applied to _them._ There was an entire script of lies for school and the outside world in general, and if you "tell them our business", you'd get in trouble.
It's 100% accurate too. I'm the truth teller in my family. After years of abuse and trying to get help for myself and my siblings (which never came to fruition because apparently I was a liar! ) And it's amazing how little they listened to children even when showing up to school with proof, being covered in bruises 30+ years ago. I left home at 16 and I'm now almost 45 and don't talk to any of them except one sister. I myself won't be showing up for any of their funerals. There is a special place in hell for my mother and step father.
@@ezoxide lmao, same. Found him when I got invited to his funeral where someone had the audacity to say he wanted to see me 🤣 like he could've had he put in even a drop of effort lol. If you find him, remember you owe him nothing, nor do you deserve to be mistreated just cos you share some dna :)
Mine is in prison and has almost always been scum. I won't miss him when he's gone for good. No relationship with him and IDC if him and my stepmom cut me out of his will (IDK if they did but I don't want anything associated with him or them.)
"The one thing family hate more than an abuser is a truth-teller." I felt that. My own dad stole $10K from me via joint account when I was at my lowest in 2020. Got laid off from my job due to COVID-19, my 1st year living on my own as a university student, stressed about rent/bills because he took my money without asking. I've been no-contact with him since then & now the whole family hates me. Same gaslighting excuses like "but that's your dad, you're being immature/selfish/ungrateful, no one's perfect, forgive your dad."
Don't ever go back to him unless you want more stolen from you. People that get away with things like that never change. Maybe when it happens to those other family members, they'll understand.
Forgiving doesn’t mean you have to continue to have a relationship with the person you forgave. We forgive to avoid the poison of their misdeeds killing us. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to allow them to keep on harming us. It frees us from the abuser and the abuse but it DOES NOT mean we have to let them abuse us again!!!!
Just took the words out of mouth man... Powerful how strong this man is to go jo contact and be self reliant it's hard to do because you loose your siblings aswell
"But you should act like an adult!" Why do I have to, but no one else does? Sometimes anger keeps me up at night. Thank you for the video. I feel more understood now.
Adults don't engage with people who hurt them. So their words are right but they don't understand them. Protecting yourself and leaving behind people who weaken and hurt you, that is how an adult acts.
@@ianluk6385 yes. Easier said than done when they're supposed to be "family". I'll send you a mesage for Christmas because at some point I'm gonna have to see you in person- but don't start being chatty cause I couldn't care less. 🙄
This. It's sad but also absolutely hilarious, like taking care of the minimum needs of your child and that gives a parent the right to treat you like shit.
@@Jixsurez just because your parent didnt say they you love 100 times a day and give you everything you want doesn't mean you don't have any obligation to them either
The hardest part of going no contact with my mother wasn't actually going no contact with her; it was the unsupportive relatives who knew how she was and STILL insisted on trying to trick me into meeting her and "mending things". Much like her, no one cared how I felt. I don't talk to them now, either.
Uhh I know those. A lot of people seem to not understand that relationships mending actually requires the sides involved to acknowledge the problems, accept their faults and work to fix those.
It is lonely. But idgaf about sugarcoating the truth and I will call out anyone in my family, including my mother and my stepdad, for unwarranted behavior or lying. And they know it too.
Family’s always be like: Why can’t you just take abuse so that way we don’t have to stand up to the abuser because that’s inconvenient for us?? So selfish! 🙄🙄
I stopped talking to my dad for seven months. Nonstop did I hear family members say you should fix your relationship, you should check up on him as if what he did to me was insignificant and that I shouldn't be hurt by the things he said and did to me. I eventually started talking to my dad again and started rebuilding a relationship. But one thing that really pissed me off is when I mentioned that he sends me money twice a month (*I'm a college student and he rather me not work), and my aunt literally said "aren't you glad that you started talking to your dad again, since he's sending you money." I think that seven months of not talking really helped us, but that comment really disgusted me , as if I'm supposed to have someone in my life who really hurt me stay in it because they are helping to pay for stuff. That's like saying to someone "you should stay in a abusive relationship even though they abuse you at least they take care of you"
It’s so true! My step dad is bipolar and unmedicated and always has been. Been physically and emotionally abusive to me and I would stand up for myself and all my mom would do is say “you’re both acting like children”. Difference is I was a child and he was a grown man that knows better. I haven’t talked to him in nearly two years and the whole time my mom would push to me talking to him whenever I see him at family events. There’s a reason I refuse to talk to him and that’s an apology I’m never going to get. He put his hands on me and my ex saw it so he beat the shit out of him. And when it blew over he apologized to my ex who beat the shit out of him but not me who he beat the shit of. It just shows he doesn’t respect me and I can’t stand how my mom and other family members can say I’m being childish for refusing to talk to him but I have told everyone. All I want is an apology and then I’ll consider making small talk. He knows it everyone knows it and after 2 years still nothing.
My mom has 6 adult kids with no contact. She completely splintered our immediate family with her abuse, yet when extended family get together, they are amazed that the kids don't attend (if we know my mom will be there.) It was one of the hardest decisions to cut her off, and I still have a hard time explaining it. This video was empowering. Thank you.
You owe nobody an explanation, Miranda. The fact that you found the decision difficult shows that you didn't make it lightly. This was no whim. Also, five other adults, in the same situation, chose to do the same thing. FIVE!! That's doesn't make you an anomaly, it makes your mother's behaviour a pattern. As an outsider looking in, there is one common denominator here that is the OBVIOUS issue - your mother. If 6 adults all have taken issue with the behaviour of their mother, then the people in your extended family need to open their eyes and spot that insanely obvious common denominator! I mean that's less of a red flag, and more like a full-blown major alarm system going off. It's not up to you to teach other adults basic logic. Quite frankly, if her behaviour was so bad that it upset so many children, those in the extended should be *apologising* for not stepping in, and *thanking* you for succeeding where they failed and protecting your mental health. If they can't see that, then they're an extension of her abuse and you're better off giving them a very wide berth. It sounds like your siblings understand if they've chosen the same path. I wish you happiness and healing. You deserve it 💕
It astounds me that people could look at the situation and place blame on the child, I always know the parent must be absolutely terrible if their own kids won’t talk to them
I like to make jokes about my mom. Like: "I'd call her but reception is really bad 6 feet under ground" People sometimes apologize or express sympathy, which is hilarious because if they knew how she treated people she had power over, they wouldn't.
I owe nothing to those who are committed to misunderstanding me. I relate heavily to this. Respect to all the survivors out there. Y’all are the real G’s.
I always hate the "they're family you have to love them" crap. My parents are wonderful, but my dad's parents are absolute trash, and I refuse to respect them. I didn't even know people had more than one pair of grandparents until I was like 15 because they never reached out to us. Though, maybe it was best not growing up knowing such emotionally abusive people
it's a very similar thing with me. My grandfather was physically and mentally abusing my father but my father acted like nothing was wrong because he goes by "honor thy mother and father" so I thought that I had to love my grandfather. Until my mother's mom(who is also big on "honor thy mother and father") told me *"that man brought harm onto your family, you should treat him with respect, but you do not have to love him."*
I never met my mum's dad, we didn't show up to his funeral, and she refused her share of his inheritance. It doesn't shock me, considering he was so abusive that my mother and her brother proclaimed they would kill him while they were four and six respectively, prompting my grandmother to take her two children and move back to her home country on the other side of the world. No child support, nothing, not even supported by her own family because how dare she leave her husband (thanks 60s-70s misogyny). I don't even know what he looks like. But, my mother doesn't look like my grandmother's side of the family. And I am a clone of my mother. It's kind of unsettling to think about, so I don't. Ironically, while from broken homes, both my parents are incredible people.
If blood is what's holding your family together, that just says that you'd sooner be rid of each other if you weren't. That's not love. Edit for celerity: "you" in the general sense of the hypothetical reader, not "you" in the specific sense of anyone here, of course, in case that wasn't clear.
At this point I'd just like to throw in here that the actual saying goes "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Take from that what you will.
I had the opposite happen. My elder brother was horrifically abusive throughout my childhood and teenage years. My mother, this beautiful and compassionate pillar in my life, used to just hold me in her arms as he screamed and yelled about all sorts of things. He hit her, pushed her, tormented her, and used protective services as a tool to strip my mother of her voice and any freedom to punish him. Social workers saw her as the villain and left us in hell... Yet, my mother was always blamed for destroying the family, and for speaking out. Her friends told her to abandon/kick out my brother but the family shamed her for even arguing with him. Yet, that beautiful woman put me in therapy because she saw how much I was suffering. Although because he was so young there’s now this weird expectation that we have to wipe it all under the rug, that those were difficult teenage years. No contact with him was the best thing I did in my life. It was euphoria and safety. My therapist could focus on helping me heal instead of how to protect myself emotionally. I struggled to speak about my experiences but my silence was more powerful than any words I could have used.
Older brothers are supposed to protect you, shield you when your parents can't, tell you about things you need to know when your parents don't want to, be your backup and be the one person you can go to if no else wants to listen or you can't tell. I wouldn't even call yours a brother anymore, just a man that your mother gave birth to when he didn't deserve to be even associated with her.
I'm so sorry for you and your mother. I'm glad at least you seem to understand she wanted to love you (and probably felt terrible her own offspring could be the way your brother was). I can't imagine that struggle of needing to kick out a child due to that but also feeling guilty of letting him out into the world like that.
My dad's side is full of narcissists (including him), only one positive note is they noticed one of their siblings is toxic. However, they still can't look at themselves, and see they are also the problem to everyone else outside of the family, and inside
💯 The abuser and the dysfunctional family wants you to shut up and play your role within the dysfunction. How dare you step out of the role they assigned you. What makes you think you can act on your own values and interests? 😄
Yes! Me and my cousin are the truth tellers in our family. No one loves it in Camp Let’s Mourn the Abuser, yet it sure feels great to not have to pretend we didn’t go through that and it really just frees up space (cuz it lets us know who is worthy of our time) for our various chosen families to fill our lives❤
As the one person with no filter in my family, yes.. We’re doing way better and I’m quite sure some credit goes to me just sorta, getting fed up at some point and just letting it all out. Our parents are not bad people, and my evidence is that they did listen in the end,, so yeah at least there’s my story on it!
My family was only fortunate in that we had a large number of people who knew how bad my grandfather was. Our parents made sure the granddaughters were Never alone with the man. His own daughters and wife knew what he would and had done to them. (Quick edit: he was sent to prison for it several times) Most of the family showed up just to make sure he was really dead dead. Only one person cried at the funeral and she got looks cast at her that clearly implied she was insane. No one wanted to talk for his eulogy and half of us were trying not to laugh at the minister's usual speal about being a "child of god". I'm glad you turned out far better than your father.
We were also never left alone with one of our grandfathers. I think we only visited because of our Grandma because I don't remember seeing him ever again. I didn't know why then but I'm very grateful now that I do. It's chilling that people are like that and there's families out there that will cover it up and pretend it didn't happen.
I’m with you 💯! I went no contact with my narcissistic, abusive mother after my Dad died. It was such a relief! All of my anxiety, depression and anger slowly disappeared after. I’ve never felt so free. Good for you for choosing your sanity!
I went no contact 11 years ago. Best decision I have ever made. Last year after a decade of trying to make it work with my little sister, I also had to go no contact with her. Honestly there is no doubt in my mind that I'm the bad guy in their story, but at least they're not part of mine anymore. Who needs blood ties when they only strangle you ?
"Honestly there is no doubt in my mind that I'm the bad guy in their story, but at least they're not part of mine anymore." I needed to read this exact thing because my toxic family's perception of me and how they would talk about me to others in our family has been a big reason for me holding off on going NC when I really need to, and this is what I needed to read tonight. Thank you.
The amount of toxicity family members have can be damaging to the person on the long run, mentally, physically and emotionally. Cutting people off is a good way to ensure your safety and well-being.
I’ve been estranged from my family for the last 15 years and it’s been the hardest but most rewarding thing I’ve ever had to do. I needed to hear this. Thank you.
Yeah it's a tough situation. My father hates fat people, I'm really really fat. He hates minorities, my wife is Hispanic, he criticizes black guys for not staying with their kids, but I barely knew him growing up, and it's not an accurate stereotype. He's a really spiteful guy. I feel sorry for him but I don't talk to him anymore. I've got too many things to be thankful for and at 51 years old, I just don't have room in my life to focus on negative stuff. It was a hard decision but like you, I'm happy I made it.
It's funny how we put more expectations and responsibilities on the children in these circumstances than the people who were supposed to be the mature adults.
It's a power/hierarchy thing. I'm from a religious family. Still am, but here's one thing that bug me. Despite the fact that the Bible says you respect leaders, parents and elders and that you shouldn't treat you get people and children badly, the former get heavily focused on. People love to use scripture to earn respect, because otherwise, you can only get respect by being a respectful, kind and decent human being. And sadly, alot of people aren't
I can understand respecting the dead to an extent. If they were a piece of shit when they had a pulse, them being in the ground doesn't automatically undue all they did. If they weren't respectful and just a downright horrible human being in life, than its only justified they be remembered that way
@@TheUndeadOhioan1999 yeah they made their own choice of how to treat others, and in that they cannot expect to be missed nor mourned over. They made their bed.
@@sandras2624 unfortunately the sad truth is that theres a 99% chance that at least one person is going to be sad they're gone, and even defend them. Without going too into detail, a HUGE chunk of my family are toxic and have royally fucked me up, honestly looking forward to when they're dead and won't lose an ounce of sleep saying the truth. Some may say you must eventually forgive somebody who wronged you, and how its the "morally right" thing to do. Anybody who says that is either blind, ignorant, is one of the lucky ones to not experience stuff that leads to life long trauma, or all of the above
I didn’t want to go no contact with my mom. I loved her so much. For years I tried to make things work, bending to her will and playing her game. But there’s always a breaking point. The pain eventually outweighed the love and I had to leave. Going no contact with a parent is never an easy decision.
So this. For 40 years I tried to make it work, in any way you mentioned and more, untill I gave up. It was always so stressfull and hurtful. How I wish I had a different relationship, loving and caring. I see her on birthdays, christmas and easter, and that's enough.
Parental alienation is also Loud . When you choose to keep their mothers secrets because you're more concerned about the children's mental health . Make sure you actually Know your Truth .
it was surprisingly cathartic realizing almost everyone in my 'family' were just a bunch of narcissistic children with chips on their shoulders. go no contact, stay no contact, keep your heads up kings
You have no idea how much I needed this. I’m an adult child who is currently looking for apartments and moving out as soon as possible and definitely going no contact once I do and deep down, I know it’s for the right reasons, but I can’t help but be made to feel guilty, so thank you, really. I’m crying right now. You have no idea how much this helps. My sister did it and we were all made to hate her, to the point she had I haven’t had a relationship in almost a decade. In between that time, the abuse from my parents got so bad that my brother died as a result. I won’t do the same, though I have contemplated suicide more times than I care to admit. I will follow in my sister’s footsteps. I will get out. I will be happy. I will stay alive long enough to do that for myself and for my brother, because he never had the chance.
Reading your story really hits home. I cut contact with my father 6 years ago and all of my brothers stopped speaking to me as a result. I never wanted them to feel like they had to pick a side but our father made them choose, and being minors at the time they naturally picked him. They're adults now and still don't speak to me. I miss them immensely. I hope that when you break free, you reach out to your sister. I'm sure she will be so happy to hear from you.
I hope it gets better.I know this is random but my motivation to live is to be able to cover Ben Sharpo's grave in pride flags and if it needs to be more subtle, rainbow flowers 😌 in all seriousness, you are worth it, and you deserve happiness
@Marcy630 If it was supportive, great. If it wasn't then it means it came from someone who can't understand because they haven't had to live through what I did, which is also great. That you were kind enough to stop and wonder is the best of all. Thank you, I appreciate you.
You go !! I haven't missed my mother for one minute since she died in 1998. My childhood was marked by profound neglect, parental narcissism and utter lack of protection from a family abuser. My mother abdicated her parental responsibilities, but reaped what she sowed. None of her adult children miss her in the least. I wish I had known that no contact was even a possibility in the 70s, 80s or 90s ...
It's tough. I'm a weird ass that would go to the funeral and mourn the person I wish they were with the jealousy I had of other parents that were good. I would hope to hear a true story of them that was good and wish I knew them as that. A story of their childhood or something about them before I knew them. Even meeting someone else at the funeral who is as hurt as myself.
Cutting out toxic siblings did wonders for my mental health. Parents don't get it but respect it and don't press me on it. Lol they did the same to several aunts and uncles.
l just decided to go no contact with my brother after he told me im faking my DID and that my trauma "couldn't possibly be that bad". Told my mom about it today and she got pretty upset and said "thats sad". As if it was purely my fault I'm cutting contact. Its so tiring to be treated like I'm the problem when l try and set boundaries and stand up for myself. Just wanted to vent.
I just went non contact with my brother, and i know he told my parents and they all would have bad mouthed my husband (he is making me). Yet i have spoken to each parent this week and not a word as they have been using my brother to speak for them. (i am low contact with my parents but only because of my children)
Haha, I went low/ no contact with my sister a couple years ago. My grandfather is still waiting for us to "get over" our differences. I love him and generally he's a great guy but old fashioned in the way that he doesn't believe in mental health or therapy so his opinion (nor anyone elses) matter in that regard. Keep one doing what's best for you!
@@euryid8920 don’t know you but I am proud of you setting boundaries and doing what is right for you own well being. Parents like their adult kids to get along but sometimes siblings change, or feel entitled to expressing their hurtful opinions, or even like to start drama. It’s ok to set boundaries and when that doesn’t work then it’s time to take alternate steps to create distance, how ever that looks.
I didn't get to know my half siblings until I was 13 (they were 10, 9 and 6 at that time). Me and the then 10 year old grew closest, we shared similar interests. I went through a traumatic time thanks to my "father" and when I finally stood up for myself and turned him in, all them turned on me, including my sister I was closest with. It hurt and sometimes still does. But I'd rather have no contact than to be around those horrible people ever again.
You do what is right for you on your life in this moment. You can always change your mind, feeling change. Or you stand by what is right for you. I haven’t talk to my dad in 36 years. I have no regrets and I don’t owe any one explanations on what I do or don’t do.
No child makes the Decision to go no contact with their parent lightly. If they do 99% of the time that parent is messed up and deserves the alienation
The term is estranged parents...& yes the overwhelming majority absolutely had it coming for a LONG time.Parental alienation is when an underage child is kept away from the other parent usually after the parents break-up, a lot of narcs do this 💩 to their kids so they'll hate the other parent😮💨.Great post,just 💭 I'd clear the terms up since a lot of folks get parental alienation & estranged parents mixed up.Some of these estranged parent buttholes are purposely trying to muddy the waters by mixing these terms up in their whiny videos🤢.
I always get tired of the oh “but they’re your family” excuse as if sharing the same blood just immediately erases all of the trauma and emotional damage that they have inflicted on you. Respect is mutual, it shouldn’t be given to a person who doesn’t know how to respect others at all.
Respect is not always mutual. Respect is based upon witness of effort to maintain credibility through integrity. I often wonder about people that want to be respected. I wonder if they feed the poor, visit those in prison. Show love and acceptance of others' thoughts and expression even if they distinctly disagree in their viewpoints. I remind many that you can't build a civilization when everyone has to change their speech and actions to accommodate those subscribe to extreme bias. The argument very often lies with when someone in their life is trying desperately to point them in what they feel is the best direction. You just don't want to hear it.
@@EagleZoo Well I understand what you mean but I’m talking about if you probably respected someone in the past but they continuously disrespected you, then they get surprised when you want nothing to do with them anymore.
@@EagleZoo And tbh, if you push someone so close to the edge like that and abuse and neglect them sm, even if they are a kind person, you can’t possibly expect them to uphold that same kindness towards you anymore.
@@EagleZoo Oh and I also forgot to mention. You don’t have to always do community things to be kind/respectful, and visiting people in prison..it depends on what they did mostly. Like if a loved one did something like murder many innocent people or raped many people etc, I would be devastated to even be related to them.
Coming from a broken family where we all secretly hate each other and drwad passive aggressive family events, it truly is better to just not get involved. Sadly, sometimes it's better for everybody to just go about your separate lives and be happy. Sadly, sometimes blood doesn't mean shit.
The black sheep of the family, that uncle, or aunt, who stays away and doesn’t talk that much… Is generally the person who can see through all the bullshit and refuses to engage with it
True im the same way whats worst for me is i said i would go back to being a family if they were willing to apologize for all the bad but no one wanted to so now my only family is my friends
I just never felt close to my family other than my mom and when she passed away I had no need to see my 3 sisters or father anymore it's been 20 years I don't know if they're alive or dead
There is no such person in my family, all caught up in bs except me and my sister, who's studying psychology tho. She knows damn well, and I got diagnosed secretly after I could go to therapy alone.
Lmao one of my dad's friends said to me as a joke "haha you don't know what your daddy's like when he's mad, you're so spoiled" AND I WISH I HAD HAD THE GUTS TO TELL HER "NO, ///YOU/// DONT KNOW WHAT HES LIKE WHEN HES MAD" ffs I still regret that, but I guess he would have just laughed and pretended to be all sweet and then get pissed at me later so you know, maybe it was a blessing in disguise
Yes!! Exactly. My aunt is like this; she manipulates and charms the hell out of people when she’s around them.. it’s just since covid that the outside world is starting to see it too.. she has no filter anymore so everyone deals with her abuse now.
I haven't spoken to my father in over 20 years, and have only had very limited contact with my mother. He SA'd me from so young, that I can't remember when it started. When I told her, she protected him and did nothing except tell me to not talk about it. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me to 'just get over it', I'd be so rich!!
The truth has power! My best friend didn't grieve at all when her mother and father died. She thought something was wrong with her. That is until she went to a seminar on family abuse and child truth teller. She said she felt free for the first time in her life.😊
Your friend probably had already grieved the loss of her parents before they died. She grieved the ones she never had. So there was nothing left to grieve for.
"The one thing a family hates more than an abuser is a truth-teller." MAN THAT HITS HARD. Nobody likes when you tell the truth. That's why I'm estranged from most of my family. I tell the truth about what happened to me, and they hate how it portrays our family. IMO, they're so offended about how it portrays the family, they should reflect on themselves and why the truth shows them in such a negative light. It's not my fault that they can't handle what they see when they hear the truth.
My mom’s family essentially aided a middle aged man in grooming my (then underage) sister. My mom literally has a relationship with these freaks 😅 guess we know which side she is on
You are so correct! My dad‘s fourth wife said it right out loud, “you are making this family looks so bad!“ All because I didn’t want to go visit out of state where they live because they fight and they are alcoholics and it was just repulsive to be around them. I severed all ties years ago, and I wish I had done it sooner, but they have that fear factor that keeps you trapped in their web of disgusting lies.
@lunaluv some people do appreciate hearing the truth no matter how painful. True, they'd rather avoid the pain but in the end, they like that someone loved them enough to tell the real truth
Shook me so hard I nearly fell out my chair! SHOUTOUT TO THE TRUTH TELLERS - you’re the ones who were courageous enough to do what everyone else wouldn’t and they hate you for it, not because they hate YOU but everything you represent that convicts their spirit
I'm in the exact same family. I don't have a relationship with my father for over a decade now due to his alcoholic lifestyle. It's our choice and right to walk away from ANYONE that creates drama and problems, especially family. My mom isn't happy with me either because I walked away from the Cathoilc church after 41 yrs. It's MY life, and I want to live in truth, not tradition. So I really don't care what anyone has to say about me bettering myself.
That is too hilarious. I finally went no contact with my egg donor. My older sister finally killed herself with alcohol poisoning and my younger brother with meth. I almost killed myself. My egg donor is still alive! I couldn't tell you how many times I have heard people say, "Isn't your mother just the sweeeeeeeeeeeeeetest person in the world?"🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
After beating me up almost every day of my life, my family threw me out at 16, telling me to never come back before slamming the door in my face. No money, no belongings and not a single family member who would speak to me. I'm 51 years old now and I have zero regrets about never speaking to them again, although they tried. It took a long hard time to straighten out my life but I'm happy now and I can't even imagine still being wrapped up in the family bs.
My mother & aunt were shipped off to live on a farm to work for room & board. Their parents got divorced because their mother got pregnant by another man. She had 5 more kids with him. My mom & aunt had 2 more siblings. One married at 14 & one boy who went to work on the railroad with their father when he was 12. Their dad couldn't care for my mom, 8-yrs-old & aunt, 5-yrs-old. They were terribly abused by farm hands, etc. The oldest married aunt found out where they were located when they were allowed to call home once & go home for Christmas one year. The oldest aunt kept the youngest & took my mom to their mother's to live with 5 kids in one bed. The alcoholic step-father drank all their money. Sometimes all the children would split a can of plums! He tried to molest my mother & when she told her mother & confronted him, he kicked my mom in the back, & threw her down the steps, & told her to never come back! She was 14-years-old! She had no clothes other than what she was wearing. She walked across town to the oldest aunt's house. She made my mother get a job as a waitress, serving sandwiches & beer. The aunt made her move out. She lived in one of those communal apartments that had a bathroom down the hall. Men always tried to get into the bathroom when she was bathing. She had no money as all of her check went to rent. Sometimes she would fill her stomach up with water or the cucumber she bought. The oldest never came & got her for Thanksgiving or Christmas. She sat alone, no TV or radio. It was a horrible existence. The oldest aunt had so much money, sometimes the husband wouldn't cash his checks for weeks at a time. They had new cars, new furniture, etc. My mom had to borrow shoes from her to go to the doctor. It still hurts my heart that she could treat my mom so horribly! She never even brought her food! How could you treat someone you supposedly love like that? Years later when my grandmother died, one of the half-sisters said to my mom(after discussing some of the bad things that my mom went thru) had the nerve to say, After MY mom let you come live with us! Like, excuse me? She still didn't get that grandma was my mother's mom before she was her's. Sorry, this is so long. My mom & aunt turned out to be very loving, & kind mothers. They married abusive husbands but that's another story. My mom's 2nd husband, our step-dad, was in the USAF & gave us a great life! They're 89-yrs-old & are still married! My mother still loved the mean sister because she was her sister and all she knew. They were closer after my mom married my step-dad but I don't think I could've gotten past it.
@@ellegodoi6833 I kept saying, the oldest aunt. I meant the oldest sister, MY aunt. Their brother wouldn't even talk about his mom for abandoning them. He was a good man, a Korean vet, and would do anything for his two younger sisters. He made me laugh! He came to visit us with his girlfriend, who wore false lashes, a wig & lots of makeup. He said at night he didn't know whether to get in bed with her or the suitcase! 😁 Anyway, thank you, so glad you found happiness. Never look back! Happy Holidays!
That’s so cruel! I cannot believe what you were forced to go through at such a young age. They do not deserve a child like you, and you owe them absolutely nothing.
This is my story, too. My mother passed last year and i have been vilified for years for finally standing up for myself. So when she passed and I was not speaking to her, I was the one in the wrong. I am so tired of being told to "just let it go" and I need to respect her/them. Where is my respect? My entire family knew she never loved me and NO ONE ever did a damn thing about her obvious favoritism towards my sisters. So when she passed I cut the majority of my family off. I have been much more at peace, but it is hard still.
This whole thing is so heartbreaking to me. I grew up in a wonderful bubble with a mother who made it very clear that she loved me above all else. My dad died when I was 7, & she wanted to be sure to give me the love of 2 parents. (Impossible, but she sure tried!) I never had any physical or emotional abuse at all, & I now know just how blessed I was. Since the advent of social media, I've come to realize just how common toxic family relationships really are, & that's a damned shame. It wasn't until I married my late husband, many years ago, that I saw what growing up with toxic, abusive parents can do. My MIL is every rotten MIL stereotype all rolled into one. But the only one of her kids to get the physical abuse was my husband, her eldest son (out of 3 boys). She treated him like dirt as long as he could remember. She got pregnant at 16 to a total loser, & when that when bad, her child was blamed for wrecking her life. And she never stopped blaming him. She was from an extremely wealthy family, & later married a man who joined the family business, & became a very successful business owner himself. He adopted my husband, & they added 2 more boys to the family. From the outside, they had the world by the balls, & lived the American dream. I grew up down the street from them, & never knew of the turmoil in that house. My husband never did escape that witch's evil toxicity. Not even when he was on his deathbed. He tried cutting her off, but his heart longed for the kind of relationship that I had with my mom, so he'd keep in contact. Thankfully, my mom had plenty of room in her heart, & treated him like she did her own kids. She loved him very much, & he loved her. But he'd cry & ask "Why can't my own mom love me like your mom does?" I never had an answer. Now, my husband is gone way too soon, & his "mother" is still taking up valuable air from the rest of the planet. To say I'm bitter is the biggest understatement of the century. She's 77 now, & has been going through some serious medical stuff the last few years. What a shame. I hope she hangs on another 20 years. It would serve her right. Sorry for going on so long. Truthfully, what I've said here is just the tiniest tip of the iceberg, as far as her abusive behavior goes. I could write a book (or 2) about it all. Thank you to those who bothered to read this. And to all of you who have to distance yourselves from toxic & abusive family- I'm truly sorry for your suffering, & my thoughts & prayers for happier days in your future are heartfelt. Please take care of yourselves & stay in a safe space, whatever that means for you. Many blessings to you all. 🙂
The love, thoughtfulness, and compassion in your words just leapt from the phone screen, right into my heart. Thank you, you beautiful, astounding, kind, important person. Thank you. 💗💐
I find myself to be the child blamed for my mother's life not turning out how she wanted. She loves my older brothers. Right after I was born the Drs found she had ovarian cancer and a hysterotomy to address it. She has blamed me for it my whole life. Turns out Dr's say she probably already had it and it was only found because of the pregnancy. If she did not have me, it would have went unnoticed. My parents divorced shortly later... she blames having another child as the reason. Like me as a baby had any choice in the matter. There are little to no pictures of me as a child but she has lots of my brothers. I hear about it in little ways all the time. "don't have a girl, " Don't have a third child" etc etc. I have moved away now to have peace. You are right, families hate truth tellers! The truth is, she has never taken responsibility for her own life, including healing from disappointments.
@@aliasalibi6671 Your reply to my comment has touched me so deeply. I thank you for your kind words. You too, are an important, special person. I truly do wish the best for you, & others who struggle with family pain. It shouldn't be that way, but I know that many families have issues that can't be fixed. I just hope that the victims of abusive families can somehow find peace. All my best to you. 🙂💖
@@SoapyCricket I'm sorry for what you've had to endure. No parent should ever blame their child for what's wrong in their own life. Children don't control the adult's life, the adult is supposed to take responsibility for their problems themselves. I hope you can somehow get past it all & find peace. You deserve it. All the best to you. 🙂💞
@@Howiesgirl Thank you so much! Best Christmas present :-). You are a kind and caring person. I am so sorry for your loss, truly. I have longed for that from my own mother, so I understand what he meant. Know you are a bright light and we need people like you. Happy Holidays and much love to you!
They love to blame the weak or the victims, you can see this pattern playing out in rape victims. They always blame the women for being the victim. And in this case it's the kids that got abused.
For years my mother has bullied me yet she expects me to always forgive her and answer when she calls. I made up my mind that I’m putting myself first and my mental health is important! I started having limited contact with her and I don’t care what anyone has to say because it’s my life and they didn’t go through my experience. You did what’s best for you ☺️
“Oh honey I don’t know. Could be them being one of them gays.” Lemme say most of the shitty parants are kinda homophobic or more will blame stuff instead of blaming themselves
And that childhood seeps into your adult life affecting your self worth and image, along with relationships you try to forge. I broke away from my mother for almost 5 years. Then she had an accident and I relented, only to end up going through trauma again by her hand. When you realise that she values money more than a relationship and your health there is only one option. But as with all narcissistic individuals, they are the victim and the stories they fabricate to keep that image are nothing short of wicked.
I did my absolute best, with an undiagnosed disability that kept me from working. And I've constantly been told it wasn't good enough. My best wasn't good enough. Let that sink in.
U harmed the family by not trying to have a good relationship the last 10 years u had a dad. Ppl always lookin at shit from the wrong perspective 🤦🏽 This some grown baby entitled shit🤡
I hear y’all. My mother is toxic AF but I’m the one who is called shameful for having boundaries. I’m still healthier without her - whatever shade is thrown at me. Be strong, beautiful people ❤
Месяц назад+3
I was no contact with my dad when he died. It was my 4th time no contact. No regrets. Not even for my previous attempts at connection. I am no contact with my mother who is far more abusive and still alive. They divorced many years ago and when he died she reached out. I tried with her for a forth and final time. I no longer feel bad for trying. I no longer feel bad for being no contact. No contact is infinitely better.
The thing I find most people don't realize, people want to have a good relationship with their parents. In fact, they will often do everything they can to nurture a healthy relationship with a parent. So when someone goes no-contact with their parent, it's an incredible indictment of that parent that they were so awful not even their kid wanted to be around them.
No one seems to be talking about parents who DIDN’T harm their children being ghosted. I was a devoted, loving mother, involved in my grown chidren’s and grandchildren’s lives. Our family had problems caused by someone else years ago. Eventually two of my children scapegoated ME and ghosted me with zero explanation and zero contact.. its so unfair to m grandkids and me.
@nancyoldham In my experience, kids, minor or adult, especially adult kids would never want to separate themselves from their parents without a reason. Unless they are both psychopaths. But if they're not, you should really do some soul searching, because I find that most parents NEVER, EVER, NEVER think they could be wrong regarding interactions with their kids, or that they could have possibly ever done anything to hurt their kids or put them in harms way, whether directly or indirectly. And I promise you, if you are a parent and you think that way, YOU ARE DEAD WRONG. There is a reason your kids don't want your grandchildren around you.
@@angel-mq2mo I’m not one of those, and my story is complicated and a bit different. I agree that most people don’t want to separate from their parents. You would not even believe the soul searching I’ve done, including a ton of therapy. I just want to point out there ARE exceptions sometimes. To not recognize this is to further the stigma of alienation, which is why a lot of people don’t talk about this. People need to keep an open mind and see that all is not so black and white, and there can be many, many facets to this heartbreaking and common problem.
My husband wanted nothing to do with either of his parents. His father died unceremoniously while we were on the way to another state for a job, and the family acted like we should turn around and come back. We have yet to even see the rest of the family since. And yet, it still tears my husband up, because he's so bitter about his whole childhood surrounding that man. So, I feel this, wholeheartedly.
The forgiveness is for your husband to heal, not exactly for his parents. Him not showing up to his funeral is his business, it's just to be bitter about is not good for his health.
Because its not easy to cut contact with your parent, everybody wants an supportive parent that they can love. But sometimes it just doesnt happen, doesnt mean it doesnt hurt to cut out family.
What people need to understand is this: if your parents abuse you, they forfeit the right to call themselves parents. Parents are supposed to provide love and safety so that their children can develop and thrive and live their best lives. Your husband doesn't owe them anything. People say forgive your parents so that you're not bitter. What they don't understand is that if you forgive them, they will just take that as permission to keep abusing. Sometimes you have to walk away so you can have your peace and preserve your emotional integrity. It is being the bigger person. I'm not saying hold on to your anger and be bitter. Because that's not healthy either. I hope he is able to heal, and he's very lucky to have an understanding partner like you. Good for him for setting boundaries.
It's taken 12 years of healing from my childhood to become a fully functioning adult without symptoms of cptsd and multiple health issues holding me back preventing me from living the life I want.. when you are that damaged from people who were meant to love you, it's hard to go back
"But but she is your mom. She made a mistake. Forgive her." She did nothing when my uncle gropped me and blamed it on my clothes. I was wearing a lose t-shirt and baggy pants.
You go girl! My aunts tried to push me/guilt trip me into reconnecting with my mom. Not happening after all the psychological abuse I suffered through my whole life. Haven’t talked to them in 4 years, and I have never been better!
@@sbs.2759 honestly I live with my dad and stepmom. They are amazing I cut off all contact with mom as soon as I turned 18 because she kept inviting my molester into the house. I moved into a college in my dad's city. I am in much better shape. My mom can rot in hell. She is a vile woman who cheated on my dad multiple times and still blames my dad.
I say the same about my mum. "But she's your mum" she was also still my mum was she was abusing me. Neglecting me, allowing others to abuse me. They soon shut up
"If there's one thing a family hates more than an abuser, it's a truth teller." This one hit HARD. I'm so thankful that more and more stuff like this us getting out there. Recovering from a narcissistic upbringing is a challenging, and deeply confusing, journey. Videos like this are such wonderful and helpful reminders that I'm not the one who's crazy. 💗
I rid myself of all the toxic in my life after YEARS of putting up and shutting up!Shame it took me to reach age 40 before I realised how bad certain family members were for my well being! Of course I’d be the horrible or nasty one if anyone asked them why!
My son broke off all contact with his alcoholic, abusive father at the age of 26. (And yes, we tried for years to get the court to listen to us but they wouldn't believe what we were telling them).Every one in our family supported him. His dad was a toxic monster. No contact for 5 years but my son still feared his dad might show up suddenly one day. Then late one night we got a visit from the police telling us his dad died; my son has been 100% happier ever since then. Not one person blames him.
I know someone who was forced to go visit... a few yrs a go, the father got himself busted having child p. On a customer's pc... the courts force them to visit as kids and her youngest siblings refuse to have anything to do with him. Yes he made noise about it, the kid was then 26, but good old papa insisted the mother was lying and keeping him from him. Yes he tried to make out the kid was under 18, making loads of noise. He then tried to get pop rights to friend kids. Wanted access to her oldest child so he could convince the kid, then 12, to join him in his ways. The creepy thing out of it was, he acted like he was the father of the child, not the grandparent
My favorite thing my therapist told me when I was sad about cutting my father out was, "People say you only have one family, well you only have one appendix, but when that fu(ker is trying to kill you you cut that b@stard out of your life" Really helped me with not only cutting out my father but my brother also.
I pray that you pray for them. Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm...Eph 6:12 We, who get to know and acknowledge and receive the abundant love and abundant mercy of our Creator who loves each of his creation equally, strive to die to ourselves and become the hands, feet, mouth, and heart of Him who gives us life. Your pain is known by Him. He is the great healer. And the norm is that the hurting are the ones he uses to bring the offenders into Truth. I pray your family makes amends to you and pays your forgiveness for them (God will do the judging better than we ever could!) forward. Hope to see you in Paradise when the earth is made anew and there will be no more tears! Evil WILL be separated from Good for eternity, as He promised. Read the Word. He'll talk to you!
I think that every single person that reprimanded him for not showing up for the funeral would've been the exact ones who would've asked him what right he had to be there, if he had actually gone.😢
Also, I think anyone who questions you like this is sus. In my case, very likely to get the boot as well. I live far away so they probably would be blocked immediately.
@@momikal2238right. A really healthy person would ask you why you didn't come and would be interested in the truth. Not in the lie of others about you. And they would believe and understand you, even if they maby did know your father or mother from a different side.
My best friends has no family for this exact reason. Her father was a physically, mentally, sexually abused his family. She was adopted and her father got money from the state. Needless to say he didn't spend the money on her. He didn't sexually abuse his biological kids but since she wasn't family, it's okay (he would sexually assault her mother, she was handicapped and couldn't really escape from him). Her father told her that no one would take her in (she has a physical disability), if she told anyone. She didn't tell me until, after she moved out from her fathers and she was safe.
Yep, one of my uncles accused me of trying to shove my grandpa into a nursing home to get money because I said he shouldn't be unsupervised ever. Why? Because he kept trying to leave to "go home". Whenever he was done with whatever was going on he would just walk out the door of wherever he was to "go home". Even if he was already at home or in another country. I was just worried about him. Also how would him being in a nursing home give me money? They're EXPENSIVE!!
Thank you! I needed this. My dad just fired me and disowned me after I lost my child. And I couldn't come to work because I was bleeding so bad I lost my job and my dad is happy with that and he knows what he did!
Life is short and as a parent of adult children I say this. Do what you must to live in peace. If your parents are toxic they probably won’t care anyway. Keep your mental health a top priority
My father abandoned me when I was 6, but previous to that he was physically and (seggsually) a busive. When he threw me across the bed my eye scraped the corner of my nightstand, removing a tiny bit of the white of my eyes and leaving all sorts of bruises. My mother had enough, no longer believing that I was just being a tomboy and hyperactive child. "You see her while I'm present or not at all", and he chose the latter. When my uncle, his brother, passed away he decided to use my devastated and mourning grandmother as a tool to get me to speak with him. This was the first time I had seen him since being that little girl. I had never forgotten the things he did. "Would you like to meet X?" "No." That was all I said. While she was grieving for her adult son passing away, he talked her into trying to make amends with me instead of doing so himself, I assume he did so in hopes of using her as a shield. Probably knowing I would never try to hold him accountable because I didn't want her to be hurt knowing the truth or to cause a fuss at a funeral. I was 19 and what I learned is that people don't change. He was still the sneaky and manipulative shithead he had always been. I've kept that lesson close to my heart ever since, and no one understands that lesson unless they've been through it themselves. Now if anyone tells me that "he's my father, I should give him a chance" I cut them off immediately if they persist once I explained why he doesn't get another chance.
@bina nocht this is one of those things that's so much easier to say when you're not the one sitting in the middle of it. Not saying that they took the right way out just that the decision is so much more complicated when it's your own to make.
Preach!! I honestly thought I was alone in hearing, “But she’s your mom.” Man I wish I had social media connections thirty years ago. It wouldn’t have been so scary, so guilt ridden. I’m in a good place now and hope my younger global neighbors feel the strength of all of us in this struggle. You are going to be ok.
I hope to every God ever that 1) we can end cycles of abuse 2) people stop saying crap like "but they're your parents" as though that makes abuse a valid relationship option 3) more of us start trauma dumping on people who feel like it's okay to say that until they think twice about ever saying it again. In my life, I've NEVER heard "but they're your parents" in ANY variation in response to a HEALTHY situation. It's always been "I cut them out. They're toxic." "But that's your mom." 🤨Yea, and that's why the toxicity is a BIGGER problem.
I heard someone on another video saying she had to listen to the same thing. “You only get _one mother!._” “Well, _she_ only gets *one ME!* And what did she do w/ THAT??”
“I know what you are going to say. That I should probably try to make things right with her, since she’s family.” “No. She’s crazy and needs to go down.” -Uncle Iroh.
Im so sorry you went through that. I too went no contact with my parents 2 years before my abusive male parent died of cancer, and I too had the experience of being treated like the villian even though i treated them with respect when i ended contact.... more respect than i ever got from them. Its been 6 years since he died, and I've not missed him even for a second. When you never had a real parent to begin with, there's nothing left to grieve when an abuser dies. Sending love to everyone out there going through this.
thank you for writing "When you never had a real parent to begin with, there's nothing left to grieve when an abuser dies." this perfectly sums up my family dynamic & alleviates so much of my guilt at the same time. I deeply thank you for sharing your story... I for one was enlightened.
I read about the dysfunctional families in the Bible and it has helped me through not feeling guilty of going no contact with my dad. It’s ok not to be close to certain family members.
@@katierucker2870Soon as I get out of my grandma's house, I'm going no contact with either my aunt or my siblings. Especially the soul sucking, gaslighting, emotionally and verbally abusive harpy I have for a sister, Fuck 'em!
My dad treated me like dirt, degraded me and made vile and inappropriate sexual comments towards me. At 54 l finally told him l didn't want to know him. He laughed. No respect given well access denied
Same exact things happened to me. Almost 4 years ago was the last time I talked to my father, he laughed when I said I’d never speak to him again. I’m so happy and ok now it’s hard for me to believe.
@@Beautyargentina6 l am so sorry 💔😭 the worst part of my childhood was simply being 'unloved' and unfortunately for me it has been a theme that has continued 💔😖😣
![Noob To Max With DRAGON REWORK In Blox Fruits [FULL MOVIE]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/LnBMOinoOvA/mqdefault.jpg)
"The one thing a family hates more than an abuser, is a TRUTH-TELLER."
PREACH.
This was deep!!!
I agree 💯 percent
Agree completely.
Biggest understatement!
And that's why they hate me...
Most people care about their public image more than their actual families well being. It's disgusting.
Elaborate.
@@mechanirawhat do they need to elaborate??😂 im sure I can elaborate it for you.
@@ezbred8145 I'm just confused which side they're on
@@mechaniraThey are talking about how family members would rather silence victims and hide the wrong doing of their abusive or even rapist family members to keep the family from looking bad
@@mechaniraFor real? I'll tell you that in many cultures, having an outwardly successful, shiny public image is something that must be protected at all costs. If the reality is one of abuse, neglect and rampant narcissism, and a child "outs" his/her parents as being crappy parents, the fury of the family will fall on them - because now everyone knows they're actually shitty people instead of the paragons of virtue and hood parenting they want to portray themselves as.
I feel this guy’s pain in his voice. Some parents are just bad.
Awful
Can also be the inverse of that.
@@toffeenut1336any “bad” child learned that behavior from someone.
@@toffeenut1336 that has to be the parent’s raising of the child then because until they’re a certain age, they literally are dependent on the parents, they are powerless.
@@toffeenut1336why does someone always have to make this point. It's not about that. It's about victims of terrible parents. If it doesn't apply it's not for you.
This dude is spot-on. Tell your truth, ditch abusive family members AND their flying monkeys, and don't look back.
I wish I could thumbs this up 99 more times.
I like this one very much : Flying monkeys
It’s kinda hard to ditch abusive family members if you’re still a kid, you’re disabled , or financially unstable. In all of those cases, you literally need your family to survive.
@Lunakitty1234 Absolutely, many are trapped like that for years, so it's important to get good grades in school and then try to assert your financial Independence as quickly as possible.
Agree 💯
*"Want to be respected in death, earn that shit while you're alive"*
-F.D. Signifier
Agreed
Exactly
Right on!
Damn that goes hard
Love FD channel
Truth tellers become scapegoats, punished incessantly for being brave. Good for you for taking your power back.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
And we also have PEACE! When family members are upset by truth telling, I feel compassion for them; because it comes from a place of fear. My actions are shaking their reality and it's scary. I get it. It's not going to change MY life, but I get it; and they're allowed to cope in whatever way they choose.
"Truth tellers" often use that as an excuse to be assholes
Amen. Amen.
A hit dog will Hollar. If the truth hurts you create a better one for yourself. @josephang9927
"But she's your mom"
"I was her CHILD"
thats a perfect trauma sence in a movie ima write it down
💯💯💯💯💯
On the flip side because enablers are some of the worst:
"He's my son, I can't kick him out."
"SO YOU'LL LET YOUR DAUGHTER SUFFER??"
A parent can have multiple children but you can only have one mother and one father. They can afford to discard you if you are ungrateful but you can afford to deny your roots. When we trim the leaves of a plant, they regrow but when we cut off the roots, it dies.
@marvelousoui4393 I glad you seem to have a great relationship with both patents/guardians. I get where you are coming from with your opinion, but why minimize a person's worth to owing their parent or not losing touch with your roots/you can be replaced? That is an apathetic view on traumatic experiences and the ability to enforce the concept 'no, never again'. I have no contact with my father, but my sister is working on having a relationship with him. I can see him as a person with scars of his own or flaws, doesn't mean I should force myself to forgive trauma and fear he gave me during my most vulnerable years of life. Adult children who do this are not being rash, holding grudges, or missing out on a relationship. They are deciding to live the fullest life possible without trying to put in constant effort to please their abusers. I worked to have a relationship with my dad but realized, at 18, that he would continue to hurt me and my sister. I would continuously be harmed. Also, don't ever have more than one child with the expectation of discarding or expecting them to care for you if you raise them. How you treat your kids will determine the relationship later in life.
I understand. My father was emotionally and physically abusive, so I wrote him off. I did not go to the funeral. Everyone told me I’d regret it. It’s been just over 16 years. Still DON’T regret it.
You are free of it and thankfully was able to think for yourself and not take on everyone else’s shame or beliefs.
Yup haven't talked to my abusive father for 10 years. My mom is using the excuse I'll regret it. Her dad was horrible to her and walked out of her life at 3 years old. So she told us at 18 she traveled from NY to NC to a retirement home she went to him just to cuss him out. He didn't recognize her or even knew who she was because he has over 20 kids. She wasted money for nothing and the dude still ain't gave a f*** and died peacefully. My father is still alive and I still won't talk to him.
@dognextdoor what do you understand now?
Man... It's so sad to hear that. It hurts me just thinking about it.
But I can understand, in a way I'm lucky to have a loving family, so I can imagine that's not the case for everyone. After all, we didn't decide to be born.
But I can't help thinking that if parents are like this, there must be a reason ? Were they brought up that way ? Are they desperate, ill or completely lost ? Sometimes, even as adults, it's complicated to deal with emotions, and even as parents they're still human.
But if course that shouldn't excuse their behavior...
@@ReinaAfricana and SHE’S the one who chose him
I usually use the
“Do you take out your anger on your dog?”
And when they say “No.”
I always say “Exactly.”
Exactly, would you do that to your Dog or Cat, no, so if you wouldn't do that to a fur Baby then why the fuck do it to a Child!😒
My abusive father took his anger on our dog too (slammed his head on the floor, kicked him in the ribs and he flew halfway across the apartment...) sooo what if they answer yes? T-T
Well i do think my family would hate him after hearing that he hit the dog, but why is hitting his wife and daughter not enough...?
My dad hit and kicked my dogs when mad at them. Now the first one is scared of random objects and jumps at noise. 😁
I was the autistic kid, unfortunately. You can imagine how my relationship with my father is.
wtf you even trying to prove with this …
@@jasminevictoria4652 It's pointing out the hypocrisy of physical punishment toward human children vs toward dogs and other pets.
These people expect you to be “the bigger man” and show up to your dad’s funeral. But they weren’t the bigger man to address your dad’s toxicity.
I am being the bigger person by not allowing myself to be engaged by behaviour that isn't acceptable, and pivoting my energy towards constructive loving endeavours.
@@ssboschky When you don't engage with unacceptable behavior you are passively letting it continue to exist.
I understand that this is very difficult to deal with terrible behavior and I think it isn't our job to fix everyone. What we do need is not turn a blind eye to bad behavior. We can't just say "yeah this is bad, but I'm not gonna do anything about it because it's a waste of time".
If we can't convince the person doing the terrible thing, we can at least convince others that they shouldn't be like this.
@@htpkey yeah, like say something. just don't accknowledge their stupidity. but don't stay quiet. your words are the most important. you are NOT as small as they want you to be. as they try to make you believe. you are much much louder and wiser. as long as we can handle it and it doesn't cost us our mental health, baby steps, absolutely. that's a hard one. need the right tools hah Not easy but not impossible! ☺️🤗
@@aurora_boketto7746 Agree!
It's strange how people expect you to be the bigger person when, beforehand, they treated you like you were so small that you were practically invisible to them
Sometimes it's nice to be reminded that you're not the only one having your kind of problems. Thank you, this couldn't have come at a more appropriate time for me.
Me too! 😁see my comment.....
🙏
Me too.
Same here
Yes!!
I can't understand people who side with an abusive parent. Anyone who harms a child without apologizing is a monster and deserves no pity.
Apologising *_and meaning it and having a plan to behave differently in the future._*
Someone else said this recently: Toxic families are ones that cater to the least emotionally intelligent person.
I felt it. You're not alone
Oh. That is so accurate. That is such an insightful and clearcut way to summarize so much painful chaos. Thank you for sharing.
F****ck, that puts it so succinctly.
That's so we'll said. Thank you for sharing this.
There's so many of us that have lived thru this. I wish more ppl understand they are NOT alone. That single fact, that I was not alone, helped me feel so much better. I hope it helps someone else.
I believe as an heyoka empath.
That is just pure poetry
People are good at blaming the victim. Tell it man. 👍
I victim blame those who victim blame. They are shocked when you use their words against them. It puts them into the position of a victim being blamed because they feel like they are the victim in that situation.
Many thanks. We are vilified by speaking out.
people are good at being the victim too
Yep i hate that Bs 😊
Boy you cant preach enough
If your only excuse is “I am your parent” to keep contact with someone, you do not deserve to keep contact with them
tell that to the court systems.
@@ericolens3 the court does not force you to keep in contact with parents, u good? U mad cuz you treated someone terribly and they hate you for it?
@@ericolens3Found the MRA.
@@ericolens3Courts don't force adults to keep contact with their parents.
Those are the people that think that having kids is the bare minimum.
Truth telling, scapegoat adult child here. It's been over ten years with no contact, and I'm just now beginning to feel a little bit better.
"if theres one thing a family hates more than an abuser, its a truth-teller" is one of the hardest truths I've ever had to accept. Even my siblings who agree with me and also understand the extent of my mom's abuse (especially to me as the only daughter) hate the fact that I won't just accept it and humor her
Have you read Jeannette McCurdays new autobiography? Really might be relatable. She writes about the relationship with her narcissistic mother as the only daughter
@@Raddiebaddie Yes, it's incredible ❤️ I was so happy she was able to write about her experience because it started such an important conversation. She has done so much for victims of parental narcissistic abuse
Your probably the problem. Just thought you should know. Normal people dont go on the internet and talk badly about family even if their in the right. Im assuming the guy in the video he is the problem too. I dont care if people cut of bad family members. But people who will trash on anyone in front of strangers for likes and attention. In my experience they are the real shitty people. Just putting that out there do with it as you please.
@@captaintony1227 i actually didnt do any of the things you mentioned here but i'm sorry if you are easily triggered, upset or confused. i recommend just not engaging with content that makes you feel this way because it seems like a waste of valuable energy and it's causing you to make assumptions or "fill in the blanks" about strangers.
i tend to find that people who seek out content they don't agree with and reply to comments with unrelated rants and judgments are generally unstable and easily offended. you could probably benefit from grounding exercises and doing a mental inventory on why you make those assumptions. it seems as though you are just projecting but who am I to say!
Literally this, my siblings directly experienced the abuse and my older brother still thinks I should talk to her again. She abused him too, being a mother means nothing if you treat your kids the way she did us, as far as I’m concerned she was an egg donor and an incubator
"There's only one thing families hate more than an abuser, and that's a truth teller." Damn, that hit hard!
I know I am not popular in certain family circles myself. Too bad for them, because it could have been so different. But I am not going to gaslight myself over it anymore. 😢
💯 I’m the truth teller in my family and my family look at me like I’m the problem for it. 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, as an adult, I now see how weird it was for the adults in my family to say "lying is wrong", but it only applied to _them._ There was an entire script of lies for school and the outside world in general, and if you "tell them our business", you'd get in trouble.
It's 100% accurate too. I'm the truth teller in my family. After years of abuse and trying to get help for myself and my siblings (which never came to fruition because apparently I was a liar! ) And it's amazing how little they listened to children even when showing up to school with proof, being covered in bruises 30+ years ago. I left home at 16 and I'm now almost 45 and don't talk to any of them except one sister. I myself won't be showing up for any of their funerals. There is a special place in hell for my mother and step father.
THISSSSSSS
As a person who is in a no contact relationship with my father, I'm sorry. I know how it feels.
Ummm my father has disappeared
@@ezoxide ok. I'm sorry that happened to you.
@@ezoxide lmao, same. Found him when I got invited to his funeral where someone had the audacity to say he wanted to see me 🤣 like he could've had he put in even a drop of effort lol.
If you find him, remember you owe him nothing, nor do you deserve to be mistreated just cos you share some dna :)
Mine is in prison and has almost always been scum. I won't miss him when he's gone for good. No relationship with him and IDC if him and my stepmom cut me out of his will (IDK if they did but I don't want anything associated with him or them.)
Let's gather here. I see you, internet friend. We'll get through this. "Metoo
"The one thing family hate more than an abuser is a truth-teller."
I felt that. My own dad stole $10K from me via joint account when I was at my lowest in 2020. Got laid off from my job due to COVID-19, my 1st year living on my own as a university student, stressed about rent/bills because he took my money without asking.
I've been no-contact with him since then & now the whole family hates me. Same gaslighting excuses like "but that's your dad, you're being immature/selfish/ungrateful, no one's perfect, forgive your dad."
go no contact with them too
@@HelenWA I fortunately did after that. No family >>>>> Toxic family.
Oh Cheesus Crips, I've heard that a lot as a kid raised in the catholic family. I always say: people who easily forgive had a nice life.
Don't ever go back to him unless you want more stolen from you. People that get away with things like that never change. Maybe when it happens to those other family members, they'll understand.
Forgiving doesn’t mean you have to continue to have a relationship with the person you forgave. We forgive to avoid the poison of their misdeeds killing us. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to allow them to keep on harming us. It frees us from the abuser and the abuse but it DOES NOT mean we have to let them
abuse us again!!!!
"The one thing a family hates more than an abuser, is a truth teller" truest words you have ever said, sir.
With this statement my confusion lifted and I understand what it is I'm going through.
Its like that in politics too
Just took the words out of mouth man... Powerful how strong this man is to go jo contact and be self reliant it's hard to do because you loose your siblings aswell
"But you should act like an adult!" Why do I have to, but no one else does? Sometimes anger keeps me up at night. Thank you for the video. I feel more understood now.
Adults don't engage with people who hurt them. So their words are right but they don't understand them. Protecting yourself and leaving behind people who weaken and hurt you, that is how an adult acts.
@@anjafrohlich1170 thank you. I needed to hear that.
A good, rational adult will leave behind something or someone that's hurting them, and move on.
@@ianluk6385 yes. Easier said than done when they're supposed to be "family". I'll send you a mesage for Christmas because at some point I'm gonna have to see you in person- but don't start being chatty cause I couldn't care less. 🙄
I'd say "why don't YOU act like an adult and respect my boundaries?"
They shame you as an adult when they should've supported you as a child.
His absence is a big reminder of their own shame for ignoring, enabling and burying the abuse
So seems are you are bad, keep blaming parent but not doing better yourself.
This. It's sad but also absolutely hilarious, like taking care of the minimum needs of your child and that gives a parent the right to treat you like shit.
@user-wq9mw2xz3j just cuz you squirt out a child doesn't mean you have the right to mistreat them. Victim blaming is not cool, dude.
@@Jixsurez just because your parent didnt say they you love 100 times a day and give you everything you want doesn't mean you don't have any obligation to them either
The hardest part of going no contact with my mother wasn't actually going no contact with her; it was the unsupportive relatives who knew how she was and STILL insisted on trying to trick me into meeting her and "mending things". Much like her, no one cared how I felt. I don't talk to them now, either.
Uhh I know those. A lot of people seem to not understand that relationships mending actually requires the sides involved to acknowledge the problems, accept their faults and work to fix those.
I feel you same here
"No one cared how I felt". I hear you..that's my family mantra for everyone except the tyrant dictator narcissistic mother
Truth teller life is lonely af. Out here breaking generational curses
Lonely AF but enough is enough ❤️
Amen. Overcomer.
It is lonely. But idgaf about sugarcoating the truth and I will call out anyone in my family, including my mother and my stepdad, for unwarranted behavior or lying. And they know it too.
Yes! Moved across the country to get away from the abuse! Breaking curses over here as well! Proud of you for doing it!
Lonely but you are at peace and freedom is liberating ❤
Family’s always be like: Why can’t you just take abuse so that way we don’t have to stand up to the abuser because that’s inconvenient for us?? So selfish! 🙄🙄
The ol "you go deal with the abuse and cynicism so we can continue to pretend to look like a happy family"
@@thebae9589 there are so many families that love people's perception of them and their family far more than they'll ever actually love said family.
@@fawnieee You said it 👏👏👏
I stopped talking to my dad for seven months. Nonstop did I hear family members say you should fix your relationship, you should check up on him as if what he did to me was insignificant and that I shouldn't be hurt by the things he said and did to me. I eventually started talking to my dad again and started rebuilding a relationship. But one thing that really pissed me off is when I mentioned that he sends me money twice a month (*I'm a college student and he rather me not work), and my aunt literally said "aren't you glad that you started talking to your dad again, since he's sending you money." I think that seven months of not talking really helped us, but that comment really disgusted me , as if I'm supposed to have someone in my life who really hurt me stay in it because they are helping to pay for stuff. That's like saying to someone "you should stay in a abusive relationship even though they abuse you at least they take care of you"
It’s so true! My step dad is bipolar and unmedicated and always has been. Been physically and emotionally abusive to me and I would stand up for myself and all my mom would do is say “you’re both acting like children”. Difference is I was a child and he was a grown man that knows better. I haven’t talked to him in nearly two years and the whole time my mom would push to me talking to him whenever I see him at family events. There’s a reason I refuse to talk to him and that’s an apology I’m never going to get. He put his hands on me and my ex saw it so he beat the shit out of him. And when it blew over he apologized to my ex who beat the shit out of him but not me who he beat the shit of. It just shows he doesn’t respect me and I can’t stand how my mom and other family members can say I’m being childish for refusing to talk to him but I have told everyone. All I want is an apology and then I’ll consider making small talk. He knows it everyone knows it and after 2 years still nothing.
My mom has 6 adult kids with no contact. She completely splintered our immediate family with her abuse, yet when extended family get together, they are amazed that the kids don't attend (if we know my mom will be there.)
It was one of the hardest decisions to cut her off, and I still have a hard time explaining it. This video was empowering. Thank you.
You owe nobody an explanation, Miranda. The fact that you found the decision difficult shows that you didn't make it lightly. This was no whim.
Also, five other adults, in the same situation, chose to do the same thing. FIVE!! That's doesn't make you an anomaly, it makes your mother's behaviour a pattern. As an outsider looking in, there is one common denominator here that is the OBVIOUS issue - your mother. If 6 adults all have taken issue with the behaviour of their mother, then the people in your extended family need to open their eyes and spot that insanely obvious common denominator! I mean that's less of a red flag, and more like a full-blown major alarm system going off.
It's not up to you to teach other adults basic logic. Quite frankly, if her behaviour was so bad that it upset so many children, those in the extended should be *apologising* for not stepping in, and *thanking* you for succeeding where they failed and protecting your mental health. If they can't see that, then they're an extension of her abuse and you're better off giving them a very wide berth. It sounds like your siblings understand if they've chosen the same path.
I wish you happiness and healing. You deserve it 💕
It astounds me that people could look at the situation and place blame on the child, I always know the parent must be absolutely terrible if their own kids won’t talk to them
dude you got this.
your time is never worth spending it traumatized.
@@georgina-a"it's not up to you to teach adults basic logic"
idk why but that is the most validating thing I've ever read. thank you.
I like to make jokes about my mom.
Like: "I'd call her but reception is really bad 6 feet under ground"
People sometimes apologize or express sympathy, which is hilarious because if they knew how she treated people she had power over, they wouldn't.
I owe nothing to those who are committed to misunderstanding me. I relate heavily to this. Respect to all the survivors out there. Y’all are the real G’s.
“If there’s anything a family hates more than an abuser, it’s a truth teller.” Family dynamics in a nutshell.
Yeah, that one hit hard.
I liked and subscribed immediately felt it so hard and mans spitting facts
Owwww it hurts with so much truth
Yep!
Sounds like you dont know what a family is kiddo.
I always hate the "they're family you have to love them" crap. My parents are wonderful, but my dad's parents are absolute trash, and I refuse to respect them. I didn't even know people had more than one pair of grandparents until I was like 15 because they never reached out to us. Though, maybe it was best not growing up knowing such emotionally abusive people
it's a very similar thing with me. My grandfather was physically and mentally abusing my father but my father acted like nothing was wrong because he goes by "honor thy mother and father" so I thought that I had to love my grandfather. Until my mother's mom(who is also big on "honor thy mother and father") told me *"that man brought harm onto your family, you should treat him with respect, but you do not have to love him."*
Same
I never met my mum's dad, we didn't show up to his funeral, and she refused her share of his inheritance. It doesn't shock me, considering he was so abusive that my mother and her brother proclaimed they would kill him while they were four and six respectively, prompting my grandmother to take her two children and move back to her home country on the other side of the world. No child support, nothing, not even supported by her own family because how dare she leave her husband (thanks 60s-70s misogyny).
I don't even know what he looks like. But, my mother doesn't look like my grandmother's side of the family. And I am a clone of my mother. It's kind of unsettling to think about, so I don't.
Ironically, while from broken homes, both my parents are incredible people.
If blood is what's holding your family together, that just says that you'd sooner be rid of each other if you weren't.
That's not love.
Edit for celerity: "you" in the general sense of the hypothetical reader, not "you" in the specific sense of anyone here, of course, in case that wasn't clear.
At this point I'd just like to throw in here that the actual saying goes "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
Take from that what you will.
I had the opposite happen. My elder brother was horrifically abusive throughout my childhood and teenage years. My mother, this beautiful and compassionate pillar in my life, used to just hold me in her arms as he screamed and yelled about all sorts of things. He hit her, pushed her, tormented her, and used protective services as a tool to strip my mother of her voice and any freedom to punish him. Social workers saw her as the villain and left us in hell... Yet, my mother was always blamed for destroying the family, and for speaking out. Her friends told her to abandon/kick out my brother but the family shamed her for even arguing with him.
Yet, that beautiful woman put me in therapy because she saw how much I was suffering. Although because he was so young there’s now this weird expectation that we have to wipe it all under the rug, that those were difficult teenage years.
No contact with him was the best thing I did in my life. It was euphoria and safety. My therapist could focus on helping me heal instead of how to protect myself emotionally. I struggled to speak about my experiences but my silence was more powerful than any words I could have used.
"My therapist could focus on helping me heal instead of how to protect myself emotionally."
Wow. That hit deep.
@@Tericlay RIGHT. I was going to come here and comment on that. Wow.
Older brothers are supposed to protect you, shield you when your parents can't, tell you about things you need to know when your parents don't want to, be your backup and be the one person you can go to if no else wants to listen or you can't tell. I wouldn't even call yours a brother anymore, just a man that your mother gave birth to when he didn't deserve to be even associated with her.
I have an older sister who also feels she "entitled" , but not here. she'll have to rely on all those people she's been lying to for year.
I'm so sorry for you and your mother. I'm glad at least you seem to understand she wanted to love you (and probably felt terrible her own offspring could be the way your brother was). I can't imagine that struggle of needing to kick out a child due to that but also feeling guilty of letting him out into the world like that.
Yes. Why are we the ones that are the problem when we’re trying to protect ourselves and have a boundary.❤
When family members side with the abuser, they are just as toxic. Self care is freedom.
👍🏽Absolutely 👍🏽
And they get cut off as well.
Enabling my abuser sends a clear message that you don't care about me.
My dad's side is full of narcissists (including him), only one positive note is they noticed one of their siblings is toxic. However, they still can't look at themselves, and see they are also the problem to everyone else outside of the family, and inside
@@ms.pirate I have also noticed how narcissism can be pervasive in varying degrees and spread among close relatives.
I'm preparing to go NC with a narcissistic parent. I'm gonna block a lot of people.
Thank You!!!!!! No contact with an abusive parent or even sibling is often the ONLY way to protect the family you do have!!!
Stay clear of toxic people, blood or no blood. Be free and healthy.
lol
The blood of the Covenant is thicker than the water of the womb
@@jwill5892 I hope you mean the covenant with GOD because of the blood of JESUS. ❤❤❤
Exactly!!
Thank you @@jwill5892
Blood makes you related. Family is safety, being seen, heard and appreciated.
I got you Bud!
“If there’s one thing a family hates more than an abuser is a truth teller” truer words have never been spoken!
💯
The abuser and the dysfunctional family wants you to shut up and play your role within the dysfunction. How dare you step out of the role they assigned you. What makes you think you can act on your own values and interests? 😄
It was this portion of the statement that really hit me.
That is such a powerful statement... ❤️❤️❤️
Yes! Me and my cousin are the truth tellers in our family. No one loves it in Camp Let’s Mourn the Abuser, yet it sure feels great to not have to pretend we didn’t go through that and it really just frees up space (cuz it lets us know who is worthy of our time) for our various chosen families to fill our lives❤
As the one person with no filter in my family, yes..
We’re doing way better and I’m quite sure some credit goes to me just sorta, getting fed up at some point and just letting it all out.
Our parents are not bad people, and my evidence is that they did listen in the end,, so yeah at least there’s my story on it!
The best thing I did was walk away from a narcissistic mother. She made my childhood, teenage years and early 20's hell.
Wow sorry to here that
My life is just getting worst
I am in my early 20s and almost mid 20s in 1 more year And still getting abused
Same
Same here
My family was only fortunate in that we had a large number of people who knew how bad my grandfather was. Our parents made sure the granddaughters were Never alone with the man. His own daughters and wife knew what he would and had done to them.
(Quick edit: he was sent to prison for it several times)
Most of the family showed up just to make sure he was really dead dead. Only one person cried at the funeral and she got looks cast at her that clearly implied she was insane. No one wanted to talk for his eulogy and half of us were trying not to laugh at the minister's usual speal about being a "child of god".
I'm glad you turned out far better than your father.
We were also never left alone with one of our grandfathers. I think we only visited because of our Grandma because I don't remember seeing him ever again. I didn't know why then but I'm very grateful now that I do. It's chilling that people are like that and there's families out there that will cover it up and pretend it didn't happen.
Did someone steel spike the heart, you know just in case, Romanian style.
@@Iansco1 If he was buried alive I think the lack of oxygen would finish him off.
Wow, getting laughed at by your family at your own funeral. His life was garbage. I can’t imagine living such a pathetic, disgusting life
Gracious of y’all to have a funeral at all. He deserved a cardboard box and an incinerator.
I’m with you 💯! I went no contact with my narcissistic, abusive mother after my Dad died. It was such a relief! All of my anxiety, depression and anger slowly disappeared after. I’ve never felt so free. Good for you for choosing your sanity!
I went no contact 11 years ago. Best decision I have ever made. Last year after a decade of trying to make it work with my little sister, I also had to go no contact with her. Honestly there is no doubt in my mind that I'm the bad guy in their story, but at least they're not part of mine anymore. Who needs blood ties when they only strangle you ?
"Honestly there is no doubt in my mind that I'm the bad guy in their story, but at least they're not part of mine anymore."
I needed to read this exact thing because my toxic family's perception of me and how they would talk about me to others in our family has been a big reason for me holding off on going NC when I really need to, and this is what I needed to read tonight. Thank you.
"Who needs blood ties when they only strangle you" is such a metal sentence and im gonna use that in the future for sure!
The amount of toxicity family members have can be damaging to the person on the long run, mentally, physically and emotionally.
Cutting people off is a good way to ensure your safety and well-being.
Everyone loves to put you in the bad guy box without knowing the whole story at times. But eventually you get to be at peace with it
Best description ever!! Thank you!
I’ve been estranged from my family for the last 15 years and it’s been the hardest but most rewarding thing I’ve ever had to do.
I needed to hear this. Thank you.
Im just starting this journey that's for commenting I needed to hear this as well and God bless
@@alexandriacontreras4428 OMG I can relate to your situation so I know the feeling.
I agree
Yeah it's a tough situation. My father hates fat people, I'm really really fat. He hates minorities, my wife is Hispanic, he criticizes black guys for not staying with their kids, but I barely knew him growing up, and it's not an accurate stereotype. He's a really spiteful guy. I feel sorry for him but I don't talk to him anymore. I've got too many things to be thankful for and at 51 years old, I just don't have room in my life to focus on negative stuff. It was a hard decision but like you, I'm happy I made it.
I feel the same way. We have to actively keep our minds happy and healthy.
It's funny how we put more expectations and responsibilities on the children in these circumstances than the people who were supposed to be the mature adults.
Boomers were the leeches that destroyed the planet after all
The adults already proved that they cannot be counted on. So people put the burden on the child just to not have to struggle with the adults.
Exactly!!!
It's a power/hierarchy thing. I'm from a religious family. Still am, but here's one thing that bug me. Despite the fact that the Bible says you respect leaders, parents and elders and that you shouldn't treat you get people and children badly, the former get heavily focused on. People love to use scripture to earn respect, because otherwise, you can only get respect by being a respectful, kind and decent human being. And sadly, alot of people aren't
I hear you. I see you. I know exactly what you mean. I'm sick of being the one blamed for family dysfunction. It's not you. It's not me. It's THEM!
So true. Everyone wants everything swept under the rug. Dying doesn’t make someone not an asshole.
I can understand respecting the dead to an extent. If they were a piece of shit when they had a pulse, them being in the ground doesn't automatically undue all they did. If they weren't respectful and just a downright horrible human being in life, than its only justified they be remembered that way
👏🏽
@@TheUndeadOhioan1999 yeah they made their own choice of how to treat others, and in that they cannot expect to be missed nor mourned over. They made their bed.
@@sandras2624 unfortunately the sad truth is that theres a 99% chance that at least one person is going to be sad they're gone, and even defend them. Without going too into detail, a HUGE chunk of my family are toxic and have royally fucked me up, honestly looking forward to when they're dead and won't lose an ounce of sleep saying the truth. Some may say you must eventually forgive somebody who wronged you, and how its the "morally right" thing to do. Anybody who says that is either blind, ignorant, is one of the lucky ones to not experience stuff that leads to life long trauma, or all of the above
Wwll said.
I didn’t want to go no contact with my mom. I loved her so much. For years I tried to make things work, bending to her will and playing her game. But there’s always a breaking point. The pain eventually outweighed the love and I had to leave. Going no contact with a parent is never an easy decision.
This is the truth 😢i really needed to hear this. You have said it as it is, exactly my situation.
So this. For 40 years I tried to make it work, in any way you mentioned and more, untill I gave up. It was always so stressfull and hurtful. How I wish I had a different relationship, loving and caring.
I see her on birthdays, christmas and easter, and that's enough.
Was easy for me
Sometimes wonder if I should have split. But my "family" would have condemned me
@@hey_itsashley.j I’m sorry you had to go no contact too, it’s not easy. I hope you’re doing well.
"If there's one thing a family hates more than an abuser, it's a truth teller" That one fact destroyed my entire life from childhood.
Parental alienation is also Loud . When you choose to keep their mothers secrets because you're more concerned about the children's mental health . Make sure you actually Know your Truth .
Yep
Same here.
it was surprisingly cathartic realizing almost everyone in my 'family' were just a bunch of narcissistic children with chips on their shoulders.
go no contact, stay no contact, keep your heads up kings
You have no idea how much I needed this. I’m an adult child who is currently looking for apartments and moving out as soon as possible and definitely going no contact once I do and deep down, I know it’s for the right reasons, but I can’t help but be made to feel guilty, so thank you, really. I’m crying right now. You have no idea how much this helps. My sister did it and we were all made to hate her, to the point she had I haven’t had a relationship in almost a decade. In between that time, the abuse from my parents got so bad that my brother died as a result. I won’t do the same, though I have contemplated suicide more times than I care to admit. I will follow in my sister’s footsteps. I will get out. I will be happy. I will stay alive long enough to do that for myself and for my brother, because he never had the chance.
Reading your story really hits home. I cut contact with my father 6 years ago and all of my brothers stopped speaking to me as a result. I never wanted them to feel like they had to pick a side but our father made them choose, and being minors at the time they naturally picked him. They're adults now and still don't speak to me. I miss them immensely. I hope that when you break free, you reach out to your sister. I'm sure she will be so happy to hear from you.
Hello,
Go to Sam Vaknin narcissism revisited.
Thank me later ❤
I hope it gets better.I know this is random but my motivation to live is to be able to cover Ben Sharpo's grave in pride flags and if it needs to be more subtle, rainbow flowers 😌 in all seriousness, you are worth it, and you deserve happiness
I pray you and your sister restore your relationship.
I wish you all the best in the world, you can do this!
yes. i went no contact with my narcissitic mother and she took me to court to try and force her presence into my life. i'm not even joking.
How ? Is such a thing too do? And what you ask to the court to do ?
What
That is the craziest (albeit, most believable) thing I've ever heard!
Is such a thing possible?
Grandparents have sued, and won, rights to see their grandkids in the US.
As long as you don't have kids I don't see any legal ground.
It's been 22 years for me now, the day I turned my back was the day I slowly started to learn that life can be good and that I have value.
Good for you loce yourself more everyday
😊💜👍
You have value.
Awwww, yes, you have value...
@Marcy630 If it was supportive, great.
If it wasn't then it means it came from someone who can't understand because they haven't had to live through what I did, which is also great.
That you were kind enough to stop and wonder is the best of all. Thank you, I appreciate you.
You go !! I haven't missed my mother for one minute since she died in 1998. My childhood was marked by profound neglect, parental narcissism and utter lack of protection from a family abuser. My mother abdicated her parental responsibilities, but reaped what she sowed. None of her adult children miss her in the least. I wish I had known that no contact was even a possibility in the 70s, 80s or 90s ...
"the only thing people hate more than an abuser is a truth-teller!" That hits home so hard! Denial is a powerful sedative...
So true. Your family will forgive you for murder but they will NEVER forgive you for telling the truth about what shitty, selfish parents they were
True
It's tough. I'm a weird ass that would go to the funeral and mourn the person I wish they were with the jealousy I had of other parents that were good. I would hope to hear a true story of them that was good and wish I knew them as that. A story of their childhood or something about them before I knew them. Even meeting someone else at the funeral who is as hurt as myself.
What’s wrong with murder ?
Does know where I can find the original video??? Tiktok is banned in my country so is there like a youtube link??
hi. what's your name mean? mine is a star trek reference.
Cutting out toxic siblings did wonders for my mental health. Parents don't get it but respect it and don't press me on it. Lol they did the same to several aunts and uncles.
l just decided to go no contact with my brother after he told me im faking my DID and that my trauma "couldn't possibly be that bad". Told my mom about it today and she got pretty upset and said "thats sad". As if it was purely my fault I'm cutting contact. Its so tiring to be treated like I'm the problem when l try and set boundaries and stand up for myself. Just wanted to vent.
I just went non contact with my brother, and i know he told my parents and they all would have bad mouthed my husband (he is making me). Yet i have spoken to each parent this week and not a word as they have been using my brother to speak for them. (i am low contact with my parents but only because of my children)
Haha, I went low/ no contact with my sister a couple years ago. My grandfather is still waiting for us to "get over" our differences. I love him and generally he's a great guy but old fashioned in the way that he doesn't believe in mental health or therapy so his opinion (nor anyone elses) matter in that regard.
Keep one doing what's best for you!
@@euryid8920 don’t know you but I am proud of you setting boundaries and doing what is right for you own well being. Parents like their adult kids to get along but sometimes siblings change, or feel entitled to expressing their hurtful opinions, or even like to start drama. It’s ok to set boundaries and when that doesn’t work then it’s time to take alternate steps to create distance, how ever that looks.
I didn't get to know my half siblings until I was 13 (they were 10, 9 and 6 at that time). Me and the then 10 year old grew closest, we shared similar interests. I went through a traumatic time thanks to my "father" and when I finally stood up for myself and turned him in, all them turned on me, including my sister I was closest with. It hurt and sometimes still does. But I'd rather have no contact than to be around those horrible people ever again.
You do what is right for you on your life in this moment. You can always change your mind, feeling change. Or you stand by what is right for you. I haven’t talk to my dad in 36 years. I have no regrets and I don’t owe any one explanations on what I do or don’t do.
No child makes the Decision to go no contact with their parent lightly. If they do 99% of the time that parent is messed up and deserves the alienation
The term is estranged parents...& yes the overwhelming majority absolutely had it coming for a LONG time.Parental alienation is when an underage child is kept away from the other parent usually after the parents break-up, a lot of narcs do this 💩 to their kids so they'll hate the other parent😮💨.Great post,just 💭 I'd clear the terms up since a lot of folks get parental alienation & estranged parents mixed up.Some of these estranged parent buttholes are purposely trying to muddy the waters by mixing these terms up in their whiny videos🤢.
Exactly
Exactly. Just common sense.
Exactly 💯
Exactly
"That is a very loud truth." Dang, that blew my mind. It nailed, what I was not able to put into one single sentence for years.
I always get tired of the oh “but they’re your family” excuse as if sharing the same blood just immediately erases all of the trauma and emotional damage that they have inflicted on you. Respect is mutual, it shouldn’t be given to a person who doesn’t know how to respect others at all.
Respect is not always mutual. Respect is based upon witness of effort to maintain credibility through integrity. I often wonder about people that want to be respected. I wonder if they feed the poor, visit those in prison. Show love and acceptance of others' thoughts and expression even if they distinctly disagree in their viewpoints. I remind many that you can't build a civilization when everyone has to change their speech and actions to accommodate those subscribe to extreme bias. The argument very often lies with when someone in their life is trying desperately to point them in what they feel is the best direction. You just don't want to hear it.
@@EagleZoo Well I understand what you mean but I’m talking about if you probably respected someone in the past but they continuously disrespected you, then they get surprised when you want nothing to do with them anymore.
@@EagleZoo And tbh, if you push someone so close to the edge like that and abuse and neglect them sm, even if they are a kind person, you can’t possibly expect them to uphold that same kindness towards you anymore.
@@EagleZoo Oh and I also forgot to mention. You don’t have to always do community things to be kind/respectful, and visiting people in prison..it depends on what they did mostly. Like if a loved one did something like murder many innocent people or raped many people etc, I would be devastated to even be related to them.
Coming from a broken family where we all secretly hate each other and drwad passive aggressive family events, it truly is better to just not get involved. Sadly, sometimes it's better for everybody to just go about your separate lives and be happy. Sadly, sometimes blood doesn't mean shit.
Going no contact was the best thing I ever did. I finally had the peace to thrive. ✌🏻
"There's one thing a family hates more than an abuser and that's a truth teller " literal goosebumps.... he just explained my last 10 years... 🤯
Yep.😢sorry this happens to do many kids.
And it's generational bc people damaged hurt the next generation.
So painful
And if the abuser is funny, charasmatic, provides money, ect.... they like the abuser BETTER.
100%!!!
The black sheep of the family, that uncle, or aunt, who stays away and doesn’t talk that much… Is generally the person who can see through all the bullshit and refuses to engage with it
True im the same way whats worst for me is i said i would go back to being a family if they were willing to apologize for all the bad but no one wanted to so now my only family is my friends
Usually because all we can focus on is bullshit. I know because I have always been the black sheep. Tough pill to swallow
I just never felt close to my family other than my mom and when she passed away I had no need to see my 3 sisters or father anymore it's been 20 years I don't know if they're alive or dead
There is no such person in my family, all caught up in bs except me and my sister, who's studying psychology tho. She knows damn well, and I got diagnosed secretly after I could go to therapy alone.
That's my brother and I. Everyone else seems to blissfully unaware or worse.
And they never believe you because that person is always so damn charming when everyone's around but the second they're alone with you it's all over
The lightening rod catches it when there is no witness.
Lmao one of my dad's friends said to me as a joke "haha you don't know what your daddy's like when he's mad, you're so spoiled" AND I WISH I HAD HAD THE GUTS TO TELL HER "NO, ///YOU/// DONT KNOW WHAT HES LIKE WHEN HES MAD" ffs I still regret that, but I guess he would have just laughed and pretended to be all sweet and then get pissed at me later so you know, maybe it was a blessing in disguise
He's not even actually that charming... He's actually just an asshole, people just choose to see him as "funny" instead
Yes!! Exactly. My aunt is like this; she manipulates and charms the hell out of people when she’s around them.. it’s just since covid that the outside world is starting to see it too.. she has no filter anymore so everyone deals with her abuse now.
Oh look, other people experience it too 😁
I haven't spoken to my father in over 20 years, and have only had very limited contact with my mother. He SA'd me from so young, that I can't remember when it started. When I told her, she protected him and did nothing except tell me to not talk about it. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me to 'just get over it', I'd be so rich!!
to get over being SA'd as child?! the f!?
@@HelenWA Yes! My own family has told me to "move on"...while he continues to lve his life, and be a threat to other children.
The truth has power! My best friend didn't grieve at all when her mother and father died. She thought something was wrong with her. That is until she went to a seminar on family abuse and child truth teller. She said she felt free for the first time in her life.😊
Your friend probably had already grieved the loss of her parents before they died. She grieved the ones she never had. So there was nothing left to grieve for.
@@moonhunter9993 damn. That's deep. 💯💔
@moonhunter9993 😢
Yeah... this resonates..
She had already grieved long before an actual death, trust me
"The one thing a family hates more than an abuser is a truth-teller."
MAN THAT HITS HARD. Nobody likes when you tell the truth. That's why I'm estranged from most of my family. I tell the truth about what happened to me, and they hate how it portrays our family. IMO, they're so offended about how it portrays the family, they should reflect on themselves and why the truth shows them in such a negative light. It's not my fault that they can't handle what they see when they hear the truth.
My mom’s family essentially aided a middle aged man in grooming my (then underage) sister. My mom literally has a relationship with these freaks 😅 guess we know which side she is on
You are so correct! My dad‘s fourth wife said it right out loud, “you are making this family looks so bad!“ All because I didn’t want to go visit out of state where they live because they fight and they are alcoholics and it was just repulsive to be around them. I severed all ties years ago, and I wish I had done it sooner, but they have that fear factor that keeps you trapped in their web of disgusting lies.
@lunaluv some people do appreciate hearing the truth no matter how painful. True, they'd rather avoid the pain but in the end, they like that someone loved them enough to tell the real truth
That line , That one like
" There's one thing a family hate more....... Is a TRUTH TELLER"💜
amen
ABSOLUTELY
💯
Shook me so hard I nearly fell out my chair! SHOUTOUT TO THE TRUTH TELLERS - you’re the ones who were courageous enough to do what everyone else wouldn’t and they hate you for it, not because they hate YOU but everything you represent that convicts their spirit
Yuppppppp
I'm in the exact same family. I don't have a relationship with my father for over a decade now due to his alcoholic lifestyle. It's our choice and right to walk away from ANYONE that creates drama and problems, especially family. My mom isn't happy with me either because I walked away from the Cathoilc church after 41 yrs. It's MY life, and I want to live in truth, not tradition. So I really don't care what anyone has to say about me bettering myself.
At my mothers funeral so many people told me what a wonderful person she was, so kind and helpful. I thought they had gone to the wrong funeral.
That is too hilarious. I finally went no contact with my egg donor. My older sister finally killed herself with alcohol poisoning and my younger brother with meth. I almost killed myself. My egg donor is still alive!
I couldn't tell you how many times I have heard people say, "Isn't your mother just the sweeeeeeeeeeeeeetest person in the world?"🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Lol damn 😂
After beating me up almost every day of my life, my family threw me out at 16, telling me to never come back before slamming the door in my face. No money, no belongings and not a single family member who would speak to me. I'm 51 years old now and I have zero regrets about never speaking to them again, although they tried. It took a long hard time to straighten out my life but I'm happy now and I can't even imagine still being wrapped up in the family bs.
My mother & aunt were shipped off to live on a farm to work for room & board. Their parents got divorced because their mother got pregnant by another man. She had 5 more kids with him. My mom & aunt had 2 more siblings. One married at 14 & one boy who went to work on the railroad with their father when he was 12. Their dad couldn't care for my mom, 8-yrs-old & aunt, 5-yrs-old. They were terribly abused by farm hands, etc. The oldest married aunt found out where they were located when they were allowed to call home once & go home for Christmas one year. The oldest aunt kept the youngest & took my mom to their mother's to live with 5 kids in one bed. The alcoholic step-father drank all their money. Sometimes all the children would split a can of plums! He tried to molest my mother & when she told her mother & confronted him, he kicked my mom in the back, & threw her down the steps, & told her to never come back! She was 14-years-old! She had no clothes other than what she was wearing. She walked across town to the oldest aunt's house. She made my mother get a job as a waitress, serving sandwiches & beer. The aunt made her move out. She lived in one of those communal apartments that had a bathroom down the hall. Men always tried to get into the bathroom when she was bathing. She had no money as all of her check went to rent. Sometimes she would fill her stomach up with water or the cucumber she bought. The oldest never came & got her for Thanksgiving or Christmas. She sat alone, no TV or radio. It was a horrible existence. The oldest aunt had so much money, sometimes the husband wouldn't cash his checks for weeks at a time. They had new cars, new furniture, etc. My mom had to borrow shoes from her to go to the doctor. It still hurts my heart that she could treat my mom so horribly! She never even brought her food! How could you treat someone you supposedly love like that? Years later when my grandmother died, one of the half-sisters said to my mom(after discussing some of the bad things that my mom went thru) had the nerve to say, After MY mom let you come live with us! Like, excuse me? She still didn't get that grandma was my mother's mom before she was her's. Sorry, this is so long. My mom & aunt turned out to be very loving, & kind mothers. They married abusive husbands but that's another story. My mom's 2nd husband, our step-dad, was in the USAF & gave us a great life! They're 89-yrs-old & are still married! My mother still loved the mean sister because she was her sister and all she knew. They were closer after my mom married my step-dad but I don't think I could've gotten past it.
@@pamelajohnson7813 Thank you for sharing ❤ bless your mom and family.
@@ellegodoi6833 I kept saying, the oldest aunt. I meant the oldest sister, MY aunt. Their brother wouldn't even talk about his mom for abandoning them. He was a good man, a Korean vet, and would do anything for his two younger sisters. He made me laugh! He came to visit us with his girlfriend, who wore false lashes, a wig & lots of makeup. He said at night he didn't know whether to get in bed with her or the suitcase! 😁 Anyway, thank you, so glad you found happiness. Never look back! Happy Holidays!
I'm happy that your doing well
That’s so cruel! I cannot believe what you were forced to go through at such a young age. They do not deserve a child like you, and you owe them absolutely nothing.
People should know this by now. Every child deserves parents, but not every parent deserves a child.
Ooh this is a fact. Love it
This is my story, too. My mother passed last year and i have been vilified for years for finally standing up for myself. So when she passed and I was not speaking to her, I was the one in the wrong. I am so tired of being told to "just let it go" and I need to respect her/them. Where is my respect? My entire family knew she never loved me and NO ONE ever did a damn thing about her obvious favoritism towards my sisters. So when she passed I cut the majority of my family off. I have been much more at peace, but it is hard still.
This whole thing is so heartbreaking to me. I grew up in a wonderful bubble with a mother who made it very clear that she loved me above all else. My dad died when I was 7, & she wanted to be sure to give me the love of 2 parents. (Impossible, but she sure tried!) I never had any physical or emotional abuse at all, & I now know just how blessed I was. Since the advent of social media, I've come to realize just how common toxic family relationships really are, & that's a damned shame. It wasn't until I married my late husband, many years ago, that I saw what growing up with toxic, abusive parents can do. My MIL is every rotten MIL stereotype all rolled into one. But the only one of her kids to get the physical abuse was my husband, her eldest son (out of 3 boys). She treated him like dirt as long as he could remember. She got pregnant at 16 to a total loser, & when that when bad, her child was blamed for wrecking her life. And she never stopped blaming him. She was from an extremely wealthy family, & later married a man who joined the family business, & became a very successful business owner himself. He adopted my husband, & they added 2 more boys to the family. From the outside, they had the world by the balls, & lived the American dream. I grew up down the street from them, & never knew of the turmoil in that house. My husband never did escape that witch's evil toxicity. Not even when he was on his deathbed. He tried cutting her off, but his heart longed for the kind of relationship that I had with my mom, so he'd keep in contact. Thankfully, my mom had plenty of room in her heart, & treated him like she did her own kids. She loved him very much, & he loved her. But he'd cry & ask "Why can't my own mom love me like your mom does?" I never had an answer. Now, my husband is gone way too soon, & his "mother" is still taking up valuable air from the rest of the planet. To say I'm bitter is the biggest understatement of the century. She's 77 now, & has been going through some serious medical stuff the last few years. What a shame. I hope she hangs on another 20 years. It would serve her right. Sorry for going on so long. Truthfully, what I've said here is just the tiniest tip of the iceberg, as far as her abusive behavior goes. I could write a book (or 2) about it all. Thank you to those who bothered to read this. And to all of you who have to distance yourselves from toxic & abusive family- I'm truly sorry for your suffering, & my thoughts & prayers for happier days in your future are heartfelt. Please take care of yourselves & stay in a safe space, whatever that means for you. Many blessings to you all. 🙂
The love, thoughtfulness, and compassion in your words just leapt from the phone screen, right into my heart. Thank you, you beautiful, astounding, kind, important person. Thank you. 💗💐
I find myself to be the child blamed for my mother's life not turning out how she wanted. She loves my older brothers. Right after I was born the Drs found she had ovarian cancer and a hysterotomy to address it. She has blamed me for it my whole life. Turns out Dr's say she probably already had it and it was only found because of the pregnancy. If she did not have me, it would have went unnoticed. My parents divorced shortly later... she blames having another child as the reason. Like me as a baby had any choice in the matter. There are little to no pictures of me as a child but she has lots of my brothers. I hear about it in little ways all the time. "don't have a girl, " Don't have a third child" etc etc. I have moved away now to have peace.
You are right, families hate truth tellers! The truth is, she has never taken responsibility for her own life, including healing from disappointments.
@@aliasalibi6671 Your reply to my comment has touched me so deeply. I thank you for your kind words. You too, are an important, special person. I truly do wish the best for you, & others who struggle with family pain. It shouldn't be that way, but I know that many families have issues that can't be fixed. I just hope that the victims of abusive families can somehow find peace. All my best to you. 🙂💖
@@SoapyCricket I'm sorry for what you've had to endure. No parent should ever blame their child for what's wrong in their own life. Children don't control the adult's life, the adult is supposed to take responsibility for their problems themselves. I hope you can somehow get past it all & find peace. You deserve it. All the best to you. 🙂💞
@@Howiesgirl Thank you so much! Best Christmas present :-). You are a kind and caring person. I am so sorry for your loss, truly. I have longed for that from my own mother, so I understand what he meant. Know you are a bright light and we need people like you. Happy Holidays and much love to you!
Reminds me of the quote "all children deserve a parent, but not all parents deserve children"
Yeah, all children deserve a parent, but that parent doesn't have to be related to them. 👀
@@RJW14Nobody said they do. Though, yes, it should be "not all biological parents deserve their biological children"
This.
Never heard that before, but it's very fitting!
@@lidge1994 fully.
Very strange how bullies are more protected in our society than the victims.
Until I learned to forgive I was staying a victim. I have my faults too so I learned I wanted to be forgiven. So I had to learn how to forgive.
They love to blame the weak or the victims, you can see this pattern playing out in rape victims. They always blame the women for being the victim. And in this case it's the kids that got abused.
It's because people are fragile, and will protect their crappy little egos and perceptions of reality over doing what's right, most of the time.
Just like in school
We even have criminal Justice, not victim’s Justice.
For years my mother has bullied me yet she expects me to always forgive her and answer when she calls. I made up my mind that I’m putting myself first and my mental health is important! I started having limited contact with her and I don’t care what anyone has to say because it’s my life and they didn’t go through my experience. You did what’s best for you ☺️
“How does my kid never talk to me? all I did was give them a horrible childhood!”
“Oh honey I don’t know. Could be them being one of them gays.”
Lemme say most of the shitty parants are kinda homophobic or more will blame stuff instead of blaming themselves
I hate you dad
Lmao ikr? It’s funny and sad that they refuse to understand this, even if you tell them they will just be in denial about it.
And that childhood seeps into your adult life affecting your self worth and image, along with relationships you try to forge. I broke away from my mother for almost 5 years. Then she had an accident and I relented, only to end up going through trauma again by her hand. When you realise that she values money more than a relationship and your health there is only one option.
But as with all narcissistic individuals, they are the victim and the stories they fabricate to keep that image are nothing short of wicked.
I did my absolute best, with an undiagnosed disability that kept me from working.
And I've constantly been told it wasn't good enough.
My best wasn't good enough. Let that sink in.
*"One thing adults hate more than abusers , is truth-tellers..."*. Wow that hit hard
That hit true
Felt that !!
U harmed the family by not trying to have a good relationship the last 10 years u had a dad. Ppl always lookin at shit from the wrong perspective 🤦🏽 This some grown baby entitled shit🤡
I hear y’all. My mother is toxic AF but I’m the one who is called shameful for having boundaries. I’m still healthier without her - whatever shade is thrown at me. Be strong, beautiful people ❤
I was no contact with my dad when he died. It was my 4th time no contact. No regrets. Not even for my previous attempts at connection.
I am no contact with my mother who is far more abusive and still alive. They divorced many years ago and when he died she reached out. I tried with her for a forth and final time.
I no longer feel bad for trying. I no longer feel bad for being no contact. No contact is infinitely better.
The thing I find most people don't realize, people want to have a good relationship with their parents. In fact, they will often do everything they can to nurture a healthy relationship with a parent. So when someone goes no-contact with their parent, it's an incredible indictment of that parent that they were so awful not even their kid wanted to be around them.
This.
But when the other kids don't go no contact, you definitely look like the one that has something wrong with you. Pathetic.
No one seems to be talking about parents who DIDN’T harm their children being ghosted. I was a devoted, loving mother, involved in my grown chidren’s and grandchildren’s lives. Our family had problems caused by someone else years ago. Eventually two of my children scapegoated ME and ghosted me with zero explanation and zero contact.. its so unfair to m grandkids and me.
@nancyoldham In my experience, kids, minor or adult, especially adult kids would never want to separate themselves from their parents without a reason. Unless they are both psychopaths. But if they're not, you should really do some soul searching, because I find that most parents NEVER, EVER, NEVER think they could be wrong regarding interactions with their kids, or that they could have possibly ever done anything to hurt their kids or put them in harms way, whether directly or indirectly. And I promise you, if you are a parent and you think that way, YOU ARE DEAD WRONG. There is a reason your kids don't want your grandchildren around you.
@@angel-mq2mo I’m not one of those, and my story is complicated and a bit different. I agree that most people don’t want to separate from their parents. You would not even believe the soul searching I’ve done, including a ton of therapy. I just want to point out there ARE exceptions sometimes. To not recognize this is to further the stigma of alienation, which is why a lot of people don’t talk about this. People need to keep an open mind and see that all is not so black and white, and there can be many, many facets to this heartbreaking and common problem.
My husband wanted nothing to do with either of his parents. His father died unceremoniously while we were on the way to another state for a job, and the family acted like we should turn around and come back. We have yet to even see the rest of the family since. And yet, it still tears my husband up, because he's so bitter about his whole childhood surrounding that man. So, I feel this, wholeheartedly.
The forgiveness is for your husband to heal, not exactly for his parents. Him not showing up to his funeral is his business, it's just to be bitter about is not good for his health.
Because its not easy to cut contact with your parent, everybody wants an supportive parent that they can love.
But sometimes it just doesnt happen, doesnt mean it doesnt hurt to cut out family.
What people need to understand is this: if your parents abuse you, they forfeit the right to call themselves parents. Parents are supposed to provide love and safety so that their children can develop and thrive and live their best lives. Your husband doesn't owe them anything. People say forgive your parents so that you're not bitter. What they don't understand is that if you forgive them, they will just take that as permission to keep abusing. Sometimes you have to walk away so you can have your peace and preserve your emotional integrity. It is being the bigger person. I'm not saying hold on to your anger and be bitter. Because that's not healthy either. I hope he is able to heal, and he's very lucky to have an understanding partner like you. Good for him for setting boundaries.
It's taken 12 years of healing from my childhood to become a fully functioning adult without symptoms of cptsd and multiple health issues holding me back preventing me from living the life I want.. when you are that damaged from people who were meant to love you, it's hard to go back
I feel for your husband because he still is so trapped.
"You're ruining the family by not talking to your mom" well she ruined my childhood and my whole life. I'm not gonna let her ruin it anymore.
"But but she is your mom. She made a mistake. Forgive her."
She did nothing when my uncle gropped me and blamed it on my clothes. I was wearing a lose t-shirt and baggy pants.
You go girl! My aunts tried to push me/guilt trip me into reconnecting with my mom. Not happening after all the psychological abuse I suffered through my whole life. Haven’t talked to them in 4 years, and I have never been better!
@@erenssister.5535 I’m sorry. You are strong and f’k them!
Yeeessss queen
@@sbs.2759 honestly I live with my dad and stepmom. They are amazing I cut off all contact with mom as soon as I turned 18 because she kept inviting my molester into the house. I moved into a college in my dad's city. I am in much better shape. My mom can rot in hell. She is a vile woman who cheated on my dad multiple times and still blames my dad.
I say the same about my mum. "But she's your mum" she was also still my mum was she was abusing me. Neglecting me, allowing others to abuse me.
They soon shut up
"If there's one thing a family hates more than an abuser, it's a truth teller." This one hit HARD. I'm so thankful that more and more stuff like this us getting out there. Recovering from a narcissistic upbringing is a challenging, and deeply confusing, journey. Videos like this are such wonderful and helpful reminders that I'm not the one who's crazy. 💗
So grateful for this video. Is nice to know survivors are not alone.
Hopefully this isn't a case of one toxicity using another as justification
Some of us cant recover. Sometimes that parent reaches out from the grave to pull a last FU. One that hits you so dammed hard it anhilates!
💯💯💯💯
I rid myself of all the toxic in my life after YEARS of putting up and shutting up!Shame it took me to reach age 40 before I realised how bad certain family members were for my well being! Of course I’d be the horrible or nasty one if anyone asked them why!
My son broke off all contact with his alcoholic, abusive father at the age of 26. (And yes, we tried for years to get the court to listen to us but they wouldn't believe what we were telling them).Every one in our family supported him. His dad was a toxic monster. No contact for 5 years but my son still feared his dad might show up suddenly one day. Then late one night we got a visit from the police telling us his dad died; my son has been 100% happier ever since then. Not one person blames him.
I had a sense of relief.
I love my mom more than ever now.
We had not talked for a few years before her death. That's why.
I know someone who was forced to go visit... a few yrs a go, the father got himself busted having child p. On a customer's pc... the courts force them to visit as kids and her youngest siblings refuse to have anything to do with him. Yes he made noise about it, the kid was then 26, but good old papa insisted the mother was lying and keeping him from him. Yes he tried to make out the kid was under 18, making loads of noise. He then tried to get pop rights to friend kids. Wanted access to her oldest child so he could convince the kid, then 12, to join him in his ways. The creepy thing out of it was, he acted like he was the father of the child, not the grandparent
My favorite thing my therapist told me when I was sad about cutting my father out was, "People say you only have one family, well you only have one appendix, but when that fu(ker is trying to kill you you cut that b@stard out of your life" Really helped me with not only cutting out my father but my brother also.
That therapist is a badass. They spoke with their heart
I pray that you pray for them. Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm...Eph 6:12
We, who get to know and acknowledge and receive the abundant love and abundant mercy of our Creator who loves each of his creation equally, strive to die to ourselves and become the hands, feet, mouth, and heart of Him who gives us life. Your pain is known by Him. He is the great healer. And the norm is that the hurting are the ones he uses to bring the offenders into Truth. I pray your family makes amends to you and pays your forgiveness for them (God will do the judging better than we ever could!) forward. Hope to see you in Paradise when the earth is made anew and there will be no more tears! Evil WILL be separated from Good for eternity, as He promised. Read the Word. He'll talk to you!
@@1GINAMARIE you guys don't miss an opportunity to preach,do you? Disgusting!
@@1GINAMARIE keep your religion to yourself. Freedom of religion includes freedom from religion.
That's beautiful 👌
I see the pain in This man’s eyes. Shame on that parent(he doesn’t deserve the title dad or father) and Family members.
Not showing up was the most respectful act you could do for someone undeserving of respect. Would they rather have you show up and speak the truth?
I think that every single person that reprimanded him for not showing up for the funeral would've been the exact ones who would've asked him what right he had to be there, if he had actually gone.😢
Also, I think anyone who questions you like this is sus. In my case, very likely to get the boot as well. I live far away so they probably would be blocked immediately.
@@momikal2238right. A really healthy person would ask you why you didn't come and would be interested in the truth. Not in the lie of others about you.
And they would believe and understand you, even if they maby did know your father or mother from a different side.
"What a family hates more than a abuser is a truth teller" is 100% true.
💯
Thank you for saying this out loud. I needed to hear it.
My best friends has no family for this exact reason. Her father was a physically, mentally, sexually abused his family. She was adopted and her father got money from the state. Needless to say he didn't spend the money on her. He didn't sexually abuse his biological kids but since she wasn't family, it's okay (he would sexually assault her mother, she was handicapped and couldn't really escape from him). Her father told her that no one would take her in (she has a physical disability), if she told anyone. She didn't tell me until, after she moved out from her fathers and she was safe.
I got chills reading this because my goodness so true
The “black sheep” of the family is usually the one who is actually seeing things for how truly are.
And villified for having the audacity to point out the problems. “How dare you say it out loud!”
Yep, one of my uncles accused me of trying to shove my grandpa into a nursing home to get money because I said he shouldn't be unsupervised ever. Why? Because he kept trying to leave to "go home". Whenever he was done with whatever was going on he would just walk out the door of wherever he was to "go home". Even if he was already at home or in another country. I was just worried about him. Also how would him being in a nursing home give me money? They're EXPENSIVE!!
This’s comment is me to the T
wairt is black sheep an offensive phrase bc i heard it can be racist
No, it’s a psychological term used with toxic families
Thank you! I needed this. My dad just fired me and disowned me after I lost my child. And I couldn't come to work because I was bleeding so bad I lost my job and my dad is happy with that and he knows what he did!
Life is short and as a parent of adult children I say this. Do what you must to live in peace. If your parents are toxic they probably won’t care anyway. Keep your mental health a top priority
That's right. I've been contacting my mother less and less and she doesn't mind at all....
"But they are your parents!" / "Be a bigger person!"
I. Would. Not. I will be a little orphan gremlin if that will save me from more trauma and drama
If I could "like" this more than once, I absolutely would! I wish you many peaceful, drama-free days! 🌻
I been their done that
You already are a bigger person. You were always the bigger person. You aren’t an abuser. You want a healthier world. That’s enormously good.
My father abandoned me when I was 6, but previous to that he was physically and (seggsually) a busive. When he threw me across the bed my eye scraped the corner of my nightstand, removing a tiny bit of the white of my eyes and leaving all sorts of bruises. My mother had enough, no longer believing that I was just being a tomboy and hyperactive child.
"You see her while I'm present or not at all", and he chose the latter.
When my uncle, his brother, passed away he decided to use my devastated and mourning grandmother as a tool to get me to speak with him. This was the first time I had seen him since being that little girl. I had never forgotten the things he did.
"Would you like to meet X?"
"No." That was all I said.
While she was grieving for her adult son passing away, he talked her into trying to make amends with me instead of doing so himself, I assume he did so in hopes of using her as a shield. Probably knowing I would never try to hold him accountable because I didn't want her to be hurt knowing the truth or to cause a fuss at a funeral.
I was 19 and what I learned is that people don't change. He was still the sneaky and manipulative shithead he had always been. I've kept that lesson close to my heart ever since, and no one understands that lesson unless they've been through it themselves. Now if anyone tells me that "he's my father, I should give him a chance" I cut them off immediately if they persist once I explained why he doesn't get another chance.
@bina nocht this is one of those things that's so much easier to say when you're not the one sitting in the middle of it.
Not saying that they took the right way out just that the decision is so much more complicated when it's your own to make.
Preach!! I honestly thought I was alone in hearing, “But she’s your mom.” Man I wish I had social media connections thirty years ago. It wouldn’t have been so scary, so guilt ridden.
I’m in a good place now and hope my younger global neighbors feel the strength of all of us in this struggle. You are going to be ok.
I hope to every God ever that 1) we can end cycles of abuse 2) people stop saying crap like "but they're your parents" as though that makes abuse a valid relationship option 3) more of us start trauma dumping on people who feel like it's okay to say that until they think twice about ever saying it again.
In my life, I've NEVER heard "but they're your parents" in ANY variation in response to a HEALTHY situation. It's always been "I cut them out. They're toxic." "But that's your mom." 🤨Yea, and that's why the toxicity is a BIGGER problem.
I heard someone on another video saying she had to listen to the same thing. “You only get _one mother!._”
“Well, _she_ only gets *one ME!* And what did she do w/ THAT??”
I’m sorry for what you had to experience. I feel we have a lot in common. I’m glad to know I have someone I can relate to!
“I know what you are going to say. That I should probably try to make things right with her, since she’s family.”
“No. She’s crazy and needs to go down.”
-Uncle Iroh.
Such an epic scene
You’re a real one for that avatar quote
Iroh always for the win
IT’S THE QUENCHIEST!!!
Heard this in his voice lol
Im so sorry you went through that. I too went no contact with my parents 2 years before my abusive male parent died of cancer, and I too had the experience of being treated like the villian even though i treated them with respect when i ended contact.... more respect than i ever got from them.
Its been 6 years since he died, and I've not missed him even for a second. When you never had a real parent to begin with, there's nothing left to grieve when an abuser dies.
Sending love to everyone out there going through this.
thank you for writing "When you never had a real parent to begin with, there's nothing left to grieve when an abuser dies."
this perfectly sums up my family dynamic & alleviates so much of my guilt at the same time. I deeply thank you for sharing your story... I for one was enlightened.
When they say “ family comes first“ the response should always be “ Cain and Abel were family and we know how that ended “
I read about the dysfunctional families in the Bible and it has helped me through not feeling guilty of going no contact with my dad. It’s ok not to be close to certain family members.
😂
And Cain was made accountable...
@@katierucker2870Soon as I get out of my grandma's house, I'm going no contact with either my aunt or my siblings. Especially the soul sucking, gaslighting, emotionally and verbally abusive harpy I have for a sister, Fuck 'em!
Honor your mother and your father
My dad treated me like dirt, degraded me and made vile and inappropriate sexual comments towards me. At 54 l finally told him l didn't want to know him. He laughed. No respect given well access denied
Same exact things happened to me. Almost 4 years ago was the last time I talked to my father, he laughed when I said I’d never speak to him again. I’m so happy and ok now it’s hard for me to believe.
@@Beautyargentina6 l am so sorry 💔😭 the worst part of my childhood was simply being 'unloved' and unfortunately for me it has been a theme that has continued 💔😖😣