How Does the Unfaithful Spouse View the Betrayed Spouse Who Chooses to Stay in the Marriage?
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- Опубликовано: 3 окт 2024
- Samuel answers a popular question from betrayed spouses. How Does the Unfaithful Spouse View the Betrayed Spouse Who Chooses to Stay in the Marriage?
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
In both of my experiences the disrespect got even worse and I was slowly treated worse and worse until there was no respect, no loyalty and a lot of cruelty and indifference to my feelings and worth.
That’s usually how it goes. It’s rare that things are actually able to go back to where they were when things were happier times + stay there. Once someone shows you who they are…..
It’s literally textbook they demonically hate you no matter what if you get in the way and cry and beg it will amplify their anger. Leave them completely alone and move in silence 💯
I stayed. I did the work. I fought really hard. And I won, for a moment. Then he did it again.
How long after, if you don't mind me asking? Did he do it again?
Well did he do the healing he needed to do or did he ignore it and you forgave him anyway?
The unfaithful spouse showed a lack of respect by cheating. And once the betrayed decides to stay and work on the marriage, the unfaithful will show even less respect. My now ex-husband became an absolute monster as soon as I decided to forgive him. He actually went back to his affair partner and maintained a relationship with both of us until I discovered it again and decided to leave him permanently. It hurts but it was the best decision for my mental health. Staying is not a sign of strength.
I was forgiving after 2 years me and the same side became pregnant at a same time
Yep, happened to me as well. Found out about my wife's emotional cheating. Forgave her the same day. Just had one requirement - don't do this again. Guess what. She was doing this for next few months - where I trusted her, and wanted to rebuilt what was broken. All she did in this time was to hurt me in many different ways. After few months I've discovered she didn't changed, and even done more evil things. She literally forced me to divorce her...
We're not all the same. My spouse can't forgive me a kiss with a stranger. And I understand...I know how much damage I've caused to my husband, to me and to our family. So, each day I'm m trying to be just a better person, for me and my family. We are separated 14 months now, it hurts like hell. I'm still hoping that we will reconcile, as I will never do the same mistake again. But, I'm aware, that's not even up to me...
@@jelenapiskinDear Jelena, I don't want to offend you, I just want to point out a wording in your choice of words that can be very painful for those of us who have been cheated on, because you cheaters (usually) downplay your responsibility for what you have done.
At least that's how I felt with my (cheating) husband. I struggled with him a lot about wording that didn't take responsibility away from him.
You write about a “mistake” you made.
But mistakes happen accidentally, sometimes even when you've been very careful not to make a mistake. There is no intention behind mistakes.
But cheating/kissing ALWAYS happens out of INTENTION! No one accidentally falls with their own mouth onto another person's mouth, no one accidentally falls with their own genitals into another person's genitals, etc. It is always intentional. Even if cheaters often don't want to admit it to themselves. It is their own defense mechanism against shame and guilt.
But this “whitewashing” harms us who have been cheated on in addition to what we are already going through.
Your ex-husband is a single human being. He alone is too small of a sample to serve as representative of the average behavior of the entire worldwide population of people who committed infidelity
Oh man…this is sad and just shows why cheating is not worth it. It can never be the same. How exhausting for the cheater and the victim.
Yeah I'm good. I would smash the sister, the mom, or best friend of my soon to be ex wife.
I have done one of these three when my partner betrayed me lol.
My husband got a friend of mine pregnant. He begged me to stay but I couldn’t imagine a life constantly worrying about him cheating with her. Also there would be a walking talking reminder of his affair. She would also always have reason to see him. He and I had no children together we were blending a family. I left moved 1500 miles away and for months he would call and ask me to come home. I couldn’t so he married this woman and she has made his life miserable. It’s been years and I’m still hurt and angry. We had a good relationship and enjoyed our life together until he betrayed me. I miss him, I miss our life and I know she intentionally did this. I have not been able to trust again I wish I could forget those years. He was a great father to my children he instilled good values in them and always showed how important they were to him. So they were also hurt. I misjudged his character and my friend’s character I don’t see how they can respect and trust each other. I know I’m missing a life that never actually was real. I’m still angry though.
I’m so sorry this happened to you! That is such a painful story but you have to forgive him for yourself. The devil uses people and he certainly used your spouse and frienemy.🙏🏾❤️ I’m going through a level of betrayal I never would’ve imagined also but bitterness and anger makes it worst.
I’m so sorry for your loss, your children’s loss AND the intense pain of betrayal. I posted my the high points of my story a couple of years ago.
What I found was I had to learn to trust myself. To know I am good, it was his inadequacies that led him to betray what we had. Until I stopped trying to figure out what “I” had done or not done, my inadequacies in HIS mind I realized It was a total practice in futility. You can NEVER get in someone else’s brain. I thought if I could just understand the WHY I could heal myself. You will never know the entirety of the WHY.
I respectfully suggest you take any future time trying to understand what happened and instead to learn to trust yourself again. You’ll find that so rewarding and you deserve much future happiness.
The betrayer doesn't deserve to have peace again. Do you know that there is no worse pain than being betrayed by the person you trusted??
truth
Absolutely agree. It is intentionally inflicted harm.
So true all though my Spouse says he didn’t even think about how it would affect me he didn’t think he would get caught
That's what my ex wife thought. She thought I would never catch her as she was half way across the world. But fate had other plans for me, which I am yet to see. @@79britchik
I don't believe this is true for most unfaithful. They are just glad they got away with it, and will be more cautious when cheating next time.
Yup
Exactly
I think there is any most but it's a huge risk. They've already shown you their capacity.
This is the biggest fear that stops anyone from trying. And it is a risk, as a liar that doesn’t lie is a rare thing. But not impossible. People can redeem themselves, but it takes a lot of work and a relationship with the foundation that can withstand it.
I haven’t found it either and suspect I had the same experience as you guys. However I’m not sorry I stayed and tried. It cost me several years but I know now for sure that I did the best I could.
Yup. Trust me. I know. He kept doing it
Ouch. Can the unfaithful get over it?? They did it. Can he find in me, the betrayed, what he found in his affair partner?!? If this is what he's really thinking, I'm not sure I want to forgive anymore. Just wow
That's how I feel too
That's EXACTLY what I was thinking !
I appreciated the overall sentiment, but that one part definitely rubbed salt in the wound.
It hurts and isn’t sitting well with lots of listeners because it’s triggering because it’s honest.
If I'm being honest I was the one that had to tell my finace what his issue was and I already knew there is a huge chance all he could be thinking about was the other women's body's and the characters body's instead of mine and I was faced with the reality that my body isn't the only body he wants. It's heartbreaking but sadly already have a huge feeling that's the case.
"Will I find in my spouse what I found in my affair partner?" is this really what my husband is thinking? SO I was truly NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM. 10 months Post D-day and I am sort of disgusted with these thoughts... when it comes to questions of 'Will I will get over this" of course I can if my husband is sincere, but if he is trying to look for things in me he found in his AP then he is at a loss. I was not her and will never be. I am only ME! Yeah this isn't sitting well with me.
Andrea, I think the same! Although my husband hasn’t came back yet (1 false start 1 year ago). It disgusts me to think he is thinking of her at anytime. 😒
Are you still working on restoration of your marriage?
Same same same
This probably isn't what all men think.
Hang in there. It takes time and more pain to get this point. I’m just starting to see my wife being genuinely remorseful and I’m beginning to be aware that she’s truly got my back. Hard to untwist this pretzel, but you’ll both throw out the pretzel together soon.
My situation exactly; how does one know if they’re genuinely sorry. It sounds as if he’s trying to pick and choose what’s best for him... nowhere is there any mention of the lack of morality, broken vows etc. It’s as if his doing his wife a favour by going back🙈
Well, you can be sure about one thing- there's going to be even more disrespect for "choosing to stay"
I stayed for my children. things would have been worse.....my children were spared for the most part....
@@mmommo10 I'm sure you did the right thing in your situation, but there are other ways to look at it. I didn't stay, the divorce was medium- nasty, many problems arose, but after it was finished I felt immence relief and never regretted for even one second. It's like doubling your oxygen supply)) And the kids love me and I see them regularly
I feel you missed the mark on this one because I didn’t hear feelings of remorse, or possible fear of losing the betrayed, I didn’t hear respect or gratitude for the betrayed decision to stay. This just did not sit well with me for some reason🙏🏻
Me too😔
Same. No good feelings on this one.
Well my husband still after a month getting caught with my friend by her husband says that he is not ashamed and sorry, but he made a mistake. Whatever that means.
@@tinam.9187 I’m so sorry you’re going through this 🥺
Heidi, I feel like he has expressed this in many other videos, he is pretty far in recovery and I feel like the remorse is the first emotion.
She is in awe of you because you have taken accountability for what you did... Most cheaters just want to sweep it under the rug. You are the exception.
Amen!
I tried to forgive my wife for the sake of our son but after 15 years she is still as cold as ice & now that our son is grown I am leaving her. Looking back I wished I left the moment I found out of her betrayal.
Good on you find someone younger, decent and start another family
You stayed because you didn’t know
She would stay cold as ice. You gave it a chance and I commend you for that. Sometimes they do return to loving again so it’s worth it. But now if you know it’s time to leave you are doing it justly.
@keithachrem2872 I wanted to kindly ask as someone who was recently cheated on, are you saying that you've experienced or know of the cheater being kind and loving? Just wondering. My significant other is kind, exhibits loving behavior but since they cheated and lied it's questionable they were also lied and cheated on by their ex girlfriend, mother of their kids before she passed a couple of years ago. So wondering if they're just kind in ways but trifling at the same time? Did you experience faithfulness return if betrayed? Hope you don't mind the questions. Just wanting some insight. Thanks
is it funny that the betrayal side still cold as ice, i think she didnt realize what she done. i think her view would be : it was just a cheat, not a big deal.
Someone very close to me has been havig an affair for the past 6 years. They've known their spouse for over 20 and have been married for around 15. I found out when i was still a child and the amount of pain i've felt and kept to myself is too much. The unfaithful know what they're risking and they have no remorse. I wouldn't forgive them.
This vid scared me a little because when you stay with a narc they always figure you’ll stay through whatever… and are emotional vampires. They smirk at the fact that you’re as weak as they believed you were. I honestly believe anyone who cheats for YEARS has narcissist traits. I was attached to a family like that through a relationship. One partner (narcissist) had been having an affair since before their first kid with their partner, had a number of kids outside the marriage, and the kids they have together have not told the other parent (last I knew anything about them). I realized that I had already been dealing with the same psychological abuse as the partner being cheated on….. and realized it was ALL going to happen to me. I also realized that even thought it wasn’t my place to tell anyone the truth the emotional burden was too heavy. I felt like a liar too. I cut all of them off after telling the spouse I found out I was being cheated on the whole time (by their kid who is also a narc). I don’t truly know if they believed me. But maybe they’ll put the pieces together and receive the confirmation that their kid is repeating something they saw all their life 😕
@@TiffyAlwaysBlissy Funny enough, research into infidelity is showing there's actually a common denominator in genetic predisposition sometimes that was unexpected. It's not the only factor, but one that was certainly surprising.
While I haven’t engaged in adultery I can speak on this. I can do so from the perspective of having numerous opportunities to be the other guy. Even at my current workplace, there’s at least 7 married women who’ve made passes at me & if I wanted to, could engage them. From a baseline carnal standpoint, the temptations are there BUT because of my rooting in being taught about Jesus it’s stopped me from doing so. Also, I’m an empathic person. I understood that I would feel terrible about contributing to the destruction of ones marriage and family unit and even more so the destruction of my soul. It’s not worth it. That’s not to say I’m holier than thou but it’s all a choice.
Part of why I’m so against it is because most of the men in my family are/were adulterers. I knew something was off about that and I saw how it affected the family and others. Affairs never end well folks.
The above is not a bragging thing as much as it is a testament about how God can work. Here it is that I have opportunities to engage in adultery & fulfill lustful pleasures but I’m choosing, for the sake of Jesus and not myself, to say no and carry onward. I’ve had some of these married women actually get upset with me behind that. Imagine what it would’ve been like if I would’ve said yes and then eventually cut them off? It would’ve been worse.
To engage would open me up to susceptibility due to delving into the enemy’s realm at that point. At that point I wouldn’t be a victim but a survivor of my bad choices and judgements. We can’t play with fire and act shocked when we get burned. That’s what it boils down to.
For those who are the unfaithful, let my story be proof to you that it’s possible to say no despite the temptation. For those of you engaging in that currently, I pray for you and ask sincerely that you please stop and return to your spouse. The carnal temptation is not worth it. Leave it alone and go back on the right track. That’s what God wants for you. He doesn’t want you to be a cautionary tale. He wants you to be a testament for His glory! God bless and peace.
very well said
You can’t play with fire and get shocked when you are burnt 🔥 that like hit me ! Thank you !
Thank you for sharing. I am much the same way. It's good to have a moral compass
Do you really need Jesus to have morality?
I wouldn’t want to be the home wrecker of a family unit, those women who hit on you at work are probably going to try their luck elsewhere, I’ve been that guy at work aswell, it’s a ego boost but that’s all it is, these women aren’t worth the drama and shame they will bring to you on judgement day, Peace and Love to you brother
You’re channel is getting me through my wife’s infidelity. Thank you so much .
so glad i could my friend. means a ton.
Best wishes to you Rusty.
How are you now?
I know women are so gifted with the way they forgive infidelity and move on and completely let go of whatsoever.... But believe me, once a man's pride in his woman is corrupted by thoughts of another man holding her in his arms, Men literally never heal from it, Sister that man will stay, but things will never be the same again, it might take your energy trying to fix things in vain...
For the case of women, they will always bring it back every time you fault them.... For me when am cheated on, i leave, i heal, i rediscover my self, find some space and then probably love can find me again, its tricky when children are involved, but NO ONE DESERVES TO BE CHEATED ON... And nO ONE SHOULD DESERVE TO EXPERIENCE THAT PAIN.. Its hectic.
I think you may have it wrong. A woman will usually stay for the sake of the family as a whole. One of the issues is she never fully heals, even if she forgives. It’s that inability to heal that is so sad because she lives in her own silent hell
Just reading through the comments and it is clear to see that the majority of the unfaithful are too selfish and self-entitled to even acknowledge, empathise with what they have put the betrayed through. They just don’t get how soul destroying, it is. How it demeans us, how hard we have to fight to heal so much damage, just for us to feel like a sensual, attractive woman or man again. Two years on from D day and he is still ambivalent, saying through the dynamics of our relationship he doesn’t see me like the other women (plural) that he sees himself more the child and me the adult/parent. 30 years we have been together, he never treated me the way he did them....... I love romance....and everything that goes with it. 🤷♀️
That's because you weren't suppose to "stay and heal", you are suppose to move on and HEAL.
Try to really see What you are doing In your life and relationship And see If that's What Healthy Relationships are doing If not start doing what the healthy ones are doing
I feel like you, exactly what I am thinking. Nearly exactly what I wrote earlier tonight to my husband. It's sickening
You have to let them go be in the green grass. Then they’ll see you that way again but you can never go back!
This perspective only applies if the unfaithful isn't a narcissist or psychopath. When I decided to stay and try to work things out, my unfaithful spouse decided it was time to for Him to 'suicide' me. Thankfully I survived him and got out of the relationship alive.
Samuel, I am getting sick from my body, the pain I have experienced has been unbearable after learning my husband had an affair for over one year and a half! I chose to stay but he hasn't helped me to get over this pain! We have been married for 28 years but we've known each other for 35 year's! I feel that way can't do it anymore, I feel like he left me with unresolved feelings because he refuses to talk about what he did and he acts like as if nothing happened? I still have bouts with of crying and experiencing the pain so vividly in my heart and he has made me feel left without healing! It feels like the pain lingers because he hasn't helped me at all! I need to see my self worth before I get physically more sick
One thing that helped me was to stop being a victim of the affair. I played a role in the circumstances that lead to my husbands affair. Do I excuse his actions, no he has to take responsibility, but I understand that it was disconnection and resentment and underlying issues that kept us from being connected. It was lack of boundaries and other things that influenced his decision. His choices were not mine and devastated our family and our bond. I realized I can only work on myself and begin to heal my issues. The other thing I needed to communicate was what I needed to feel safe and allow vulnerability and connection to be built. It takes two people in a relationship and to deny I had responsibilities into was to stay a victim. I am not a victim, I consciously make decisions that impact my life. I allowed the disconnect to occur by my inactions, not listening to my intuition and not wanting to cause more conflict in a relationship that was in need of help. If I had been more aware I would have seen the signs earlier. The problem is I may not have known what to do, I sought help after the fact. We never talked about something like this happening and how to protect our marriage from it before it happened. Hind sight20/20.
So sorry,,Christ is a redeemer
My wife did same thing went on over a year
Stay strong... I hope you are doing well now
@@celittle25 Foolish conversations!!! smh. Adults TALK about what's lacking, they don't walk off to FIND it outside. They decide whether to stay or leave. simple.
I wonder how many women who are cheated on are there simply because of finances fear and their children? With cheating, the foundation is broken and sometimes it is never repaired. You need to forgive your cheating spouse to free yourself it is your choice to stay or go adultery frees you from the marriage.
Nailed it.
Pretty much all of them for these reasons, men and women. With children, it is NOT our 'choice' to stay or go, it is what is best for the children and excuse me if I cant just take out a 10k loan just for lawyers fees and then buy out their side of the house after that at the drop of a hat...
🙋♀Definitely financial and for the children. The fear of abandonment began to leave when I started to work on myself, therapy, inner child work, etc. Now I am working through the grief/death of who my husband used to be, what I thought my marriage was, and what I thought my future was going to be like. I am looking at becoming financially independent and I am helping my children cope with all of this. Emotionally, I am okay with whatever outcome. I will be okay, regardless. I am healing.
Lucky you isn't easy when you are not financially stable being betrayed with kids ,its been 5 years now but the pain is like isn't yesterday, I'm trying to forgive but the trust is not there and even the effort from hos side to show remorse i don't see it but definitely when i get a job i believe I'm gonna leave .
NEVER EVER AGAIN!! I use to think ‘the enemy’ was attacking my marriage until I realized he was the enemy. Prayed, forgave, and loved unconditionally only to finally come to the conclusión that men don’t want to be forgiven. They made a decision and they executed and were fully prepared for the consequences so why in the world would we ‘forgive’ that?? 🤦♀️ Still trying to forgive myself to ever allowing this to happen. Smh.
Haha so true so so true
First of all it's only that an that you have experienced, you logically and rationally cannot assume the same for someone else who you haven't experienced, there is no we it's only you and him and he made poor decisions that hurt you and in the long run has hurt him but he chooses to stay that way.
Im very sorry.. I hope you get better and I know exactly what you're going through right now. We'll get through this :)
So my girlfriend of 4 years had cheated on me… does your statement include women as well?
on one hand, no one can deny your hurt and minimize the damage. On the other hand, when we stay in submission to the effect of unfaithfulness, aren't we making it Lord over us?
I am still questioning her motives, we have worked through a lot of the infidelity, but even after three years, I still have doubts, questions, eerie feeling that another bombshell will go off again. Triggers still come, trust has never been the same,! I find myself hating her guts when I get triggered. I love her, I won’t lie, but the damage was too deep, just the idea of her with someone else was revolting, there are still a lot of unanswered questions, of which now, I don’t think I want the answers to. It took months to get all the necessary info, but still loopholes. Gotten through the hurt. Doing fine now, but it’s never been the same!
💜💜💜
I get it.
Same with me. Sad but my relationship has never been the same after 33 years. I have forgiven but the bad memories never go away. Triggers over so many things come. Oh well. I am 64. I can endure to the end.
@@dan-lansingmi9169 this is sad live your best life in happiness not in pain dammit never settle for someone that is willing to hurt you cheating is not an accident
I feel the exact same way as you. Nice to know IM not alone
Thank you Samuel, this helped me because I chose to forgive, but wonder if maybe he sees me as a fool for staying and also I wonder if I'm a fool for forgiving.
That's how I feel sometimes. It's been 5 months since that happened and I still feel angry and sad all the time.
I don't feel like I can trust her yet.
No idea what to think sometimes but I do feel like she sometimes sees me like a fool.
You can forgive and not stay. Sometimes forgiving is for your own benefit and allows you to move on.
I hope y'all are actually happy and whole. I couldn't get over it, so I filed for divorce. It was no way for me to live. When that trust is broken, it's incredibly hard to get back..
It's hard to cope up with the situation, I've failed to get rid of it despite forgiving her but I'm always hurt and in pain.
it is only possible to heal & find strength through God🌟to forgive & find new hope through positive affirmations💗 a brave & courageous woman IS A WARRIOR👐💜
One more thing...as an unfaithful there's no getting over what I've done the damage to my spouse. The hardest parr is knowing the emoitiinal affair wasn't worth this devastation and i knew it wouldn't be. No one evee views these videos prior to engaging in a relationship outside of a marriage, but all married couples should
My husband had a minimum of an EA. He'll admit to that but nothing more. We are 8 years on. It's not the same. It's equivalent to him smashing a beautiful cut glass vase on the floor and getting a two year old to glue it back together. It kinda looks like a vase but it'll never look the same. Trust shattered. I've never got over it. I wish people would realise these things before they go fanning their ego with other women.
Exactly. It wasn't even worth it. I sent my cheating husband a picture of his side chick trying on bathing suits she sent to me... bruised legs, over flowed trash can, and his world was shattered. The fantasy of angled pictures and intermittent interactions of only joy and feminine nature... all fake, why, bc she's just a person like all of us. Too funny.
I agree. I love these videos
I appluad your up front bluntness about being unfaithful. I am the betrayed and am at the lowest point of my life but I still want it to work. Great video..thank you for the help.
From someone that’s been there..... forgive for your own self and then move on!!!!
May God in Heaven comfort the hearts and minds of all who are going through this hell of being betrayed by their spouses. The unimaginable pain these affairs cause only God can heal. I have experienced this type of pain after I found out about my husband's emotional affair with an old friend of his. The crushing of my soul was beyond anything I'd ever experienced especially coming from a very peaceful and loving home with my parents. It's been about 5 years and I haven't been able to view him the same.
Is he trying to be a better husband , how is he behaving ?
May God give you the much needed strength to get over it.
And are you still together now ? Iyoo is so hard for me is been five years in found out but I'm constantly thinking of it ,being bitter and angry got to depression but I thank God I'm better now but once I see ornlisten to someone who is going through what I went through the pain is like of yesterday it doesn't want to go away . How did you let gonorrhea how did you heal please help me give me a method ,I feel like I'm a dead person living
as the betrayed spouse I felt like the door mat.
I see him as a weak man . Can't get past that . He says he loves me but at this point I don't believe him . I can't trust him either. He knew what are the principles of our relationship, what are the break up points. He was hiding as long as he could. Now he has a child.
He didn't want more children....
I'm grossed out by him.
Praying for my healing ❤️🩹
I'm so sorry my friend and i will definitely pray for you. take care of you and make your healing a priority. you can do this.
@@samshealingpodcast thank you so much!🙏🏻☀️🦋
I wish this is the case in every unfaithful person. What I experience thus far is endless selfishness and carelessness of the betrayed's true needs.
i'm sorry. that does happen. take care of you. set boundaries and enforce those boundaries and prioritize your own healing and well being my friend.
Rakhmi Anwar sorry, for that. That’s somewhat like what I experienced . I realized a person can’t MAKE someone love you. I truly believe a better relationship is waiting for you. My mom used to say, “ when one door closes, God opens up another one.”
My experience as well. I left and gave up and my life is much happier. Love yourself ❤️
How does anyone marry a person and not know if they can have with their spouse what another woman is offering, not be sure if you can have passion, not be sure if you can have a “spark” or whatever? Don’t get married then. I just don’t get it. No one should hurt another person this way.
Continously feeling sorry for himself and focusing on his pain strictly.
It's this type of selfish perception that caused the infidelity to begin with. The only way to mend his heart is by fixing the one's he broke first. Kid's first, spouse second, himself from it. Also to stand back as someone insulted his wife instead of standing up for her. How does he expect to put back together what he's still separating from?
My wife cheated on me now I can’t get my mind straight I can’t get what she did out of my mind and I’m sinking in depression I need advice to calm my mind this video hit home for me
so glad it helped my friend. i know it's awful, but you can get through it and you can heal. i would also give this course a shot: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
I chose to forgive. It happened when we had 12 years after we married. We continued very happy until this year she left me for another man. We celebrated 26 years last year. I would say I love you every day since the first day we married, give her presents and always was faithful. After all that she did it to me again! This time there was no consideration. Even our children asked the judge to let them stay with me. She has shredded 5 tears for each of mine.
I just found out that after 24 years of marriage my husband is cheating on me, he’s out of town and he still doesn’t know I know. Idk what I’ll do but I believe that a man who cheats once, cheats twice
I've been betrayed so many times . 13 years living with him I'm done.
Hold , Love and treasure your wonderful wife. You are the luckiest man in the world. Forgiveness at this level is the ultimate love she has shown for you, your marriage and your family.
It's the faithful one living in shame.
My husband described her as his best friend. Despite his burner phone denies anything took place. 8 years on nothing his healed. Sexless marriage thanks to my husband. I've accepted a joyous loving marriage will not happen for me. In awe? No he's like a robot who only cares about himself. Good luck to anyone sticking with it.
What we betrayed also need to ask, find out and ultimately understand is, why they did it? What led them to go down that path? What made them stay there?
My wife had a secretive affair for 6 years (3 years physical). Makes me feel sick, stupid and blind.
I had suspicions but never acted on them properly. My mind was also elsewhere, I'm not innocent (comparative to her, I am pretty innocent lol). We are in the stage of healing. Its a beast of a story that I won't post here.
Ultimately having 3 small children (yes they're mine) has encouraged me to stay in the marriage - and also the fact that we love each other... that said, I don't think I would be typing this if we never had children... tough to say.
I come from a broken home and I refuse to perpetuate the heartbreak of divorce and a split family!
Stay strong people. I don't have the answers, only the experience.
But u will raise them in a dysfunctional home . It is even worse. Be careful
Ultimately, the only 'reason' they have is that they are selfish. Selfish and that they don't think you deserve the truth or to be treated any other way, i.e., they are in contempt of you. They do not respect you.
You need to read Rollo Tomassi. Start with The Rational Male.
Please tell me if you regret your decision for staying at this point? Also did you have anxiety panic attacks any triggers related to this? Just trying to relate I just found out about my husband cheating after 13 years of marriage and it was with a very young female
If the betraying spouse is a narcissist, then they see the person who stayed with contempt. But they would see you this way even of you'd never cheated. This might be a contributing factor for the cheating. Cognitive dissonance is rampant and Narcissism is on the rise. Figure out what it is and who you're dealing with.
Life is not simple as this fella claims. My spouse was a serial cheater. They loved being in love. That dopamine rush. Then come home to my serotonin.
After 9 years I had to look in the mirror and realize that I reached my "seventy Xs seventy". I was his doormat. If I had a dollar for every sorry......
My wife betrayed me and even though I’m standing for my marriage she isn’t and has filed for divorce. She said my efforts are admirable but it’s almost condescending the way she says it. Her affair partner blew her off after a few months but my wife believes their fantasy was real and she says she can’t rationalize coming back to our marriage as anything but settling when she was prepared to be with her AP forever. Just makes me feel like she lacks the emotional maturity to understand the situation for what it really is.
Both of you are married until death. Hers is the fantasy, as you say. You can only make your choices. I understand that what you choose is not getting you a lot of public respect. It's amazing how many people only respect 'moving on'...but there are also those who respect standing.
Limerence is a terrible thing. Hope you got through the pain. Sounds like she is/was still in Limerence.
Mine said he doesn’t see how he deserves me in any way and now I make him feel self-conscious because I’m “so good” and he will never be the man I deserve.
Maybe it’s that.
Just a suggestion. Perhaps it might be time to focus on caring for yourself and tidying up, and getting in shape. Perhaps none of that applies to you, but it might be worth taking a look at to see if maybe there might be things to address. Or perhaps it is something different. Women enjoy attention and love to hear how much they mean to their partner. Maybe this doesn't apply to you, but it may be worth checking it out. Best of luck to you. As someone who is about to jump ship, being sad feeling loved matter, and maturity isn't always the issue. Loneliness hurts. It is often about lack of effort and neglect.
@@kathyglass2922 Wow!
Really? So carrying on an affair is effortless? That AP...the one who is also married and cheating on their spouse...they're the one that cares and has respect for you.
That really IS maturity!
🤣🤣
I am an unfaithful spouse who will go to his grave with the guilt and shame of what I've put my wife through, It haunts me every day. I don't want to sound like the victim here, because I am not, I know what I've done can never be taken away, We are still together and she is my true hero! Her intestinal fortitude and strength are bigger than anyone I've ever known, I will always love from now until the day God takes me away from this earth. We have been together for 28 years now, 23 married, and I can't see myself with anyone else. She is my soulmate now and forever! I love her so much and I am truly sorry fir what I have done. 😥😥
I wish my husband can express about me the same way you talk about your wife. I ‘ ve been the most understanding, compassionate and loving wife even when he told me over and over again that im not the woman he wants, he’s not the man i need, that he loves someone else and after all the lies and shame he dragged me into. Im still here for him open to forgive it all. I only hope he can see some value in me.
Wow congratulations to you as you changed an saw your.mistakes.
I would like to know for how long did you be unfaithful? And did you stop non your own or after being caught? And after cheating how do you feel when she is not yet aware of the infedility, when you come.gome and she embrace you with so much love ? Where you feeling guilty and tell yourself you gonna stop it or you feel like a hero that you are not being caught ?
I'm still in pain and trying to understand my husband how was he thinking or what is he thinking
Now or before on found out. It's been 5 years but is difficult for me to heal I'm trying all my best but I'm not free anymore is like I'm waiting for him to don't again
@@sharlottendou9152 going through the same. I love him, i want to stay with him and then I don't know how to heal from it..i can see his change.. But then I visualize evry night and it us devastating
@@sucredulce3572
You deserve so much better.
@@sucredulce3572 I feel you, that’s me too!
Dude my wife won’t even admit it. She’s been caught in audio and video and she still denies it. She even tried not to smile while I showed her proof.
My wife left me almost nine months ago. I deserved it(addiction and anger issues). There were issues on both sides, but at the point of separation, things were mostly my fault. The first visit(about two months) was lukewarm on her part and that made me frantic, then I let go of her and the pursuit of romantic love and left it and her in God's hands. I finally felt some peace in the recovery process; I stopped striving and just buckled down and continued on my own "work." After that is when she started moving slowly back towards me. After she mostly got past her ambivalence(about four months), I was overwhelmed by her mercy and grace. It was our second visit in person(about six months) that we regained sexual intimacy. The third visit was even better. We even had some joint emotional and financial issues to get through together. We did well on those. Now we are working things out like I never would have believed. I am so thankful to her and have resolved to be good for her and good to her. Looking forward to being with her again. Thanks again, my beautiful sweet wife.
I was the betrayed and I couldn’t bare the thought of staying. I love myself too much to look like the fool in the scenario. Props to anyone who has forgiven their betrayer. I just couldn’t even though it was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.
Best thing you did for yourself
thanks for leaving this comment. helps a lot.
You can forgive and still move into a new fulfilling life.
B, that’s the thing... most of us that stayed was abused in childhood and trying to love someone in the way that we needed to be loved. The betrayer thinks it’s about them 🙄 because they have an overblown ego. I’m so happy that I did the work to heal because now I would NEVER EVER STAY!!
Youre an inspiration
Yes my husband feels grateful I stayed , it’s been 4 years since DD but it’ll never be the same, HOW? I will never forget what he did, I have changed so much as a person, my kids don’t know, or friends, everyone I have the best marriage, this year will be 40 years married, his affair was between 2012-2017, I found out 2020, he said he never wanted me to find out, and was taking this to his grave! His affair partner told me everything
You may have heard this already but I have to say you are truly doing God’s work. Keep speaking wisdom into our pain.
means more than you know. thank you so much.
I agree...... You guys have helped me make some sense to all the mess. And even if it's not easy to hear things about where the unfaithfuls heads are at in the early stage of coming out of the fog, it helps us understand our spouse more.
I can only hope that "awe" happens. I still feel that it is me that is being tried for his behavior.
So accurate
I agree totally… I woke up one day and some other person who I barely knew destroys my life and I lose my house, my daily interaction with my children etc….
I hear you.
I hope it happens for you and for me.
They probably see their partner as not deserving of their respect because they stayed with them after being betrayed. This probably communicates to the cheater that their partner has low self-esteem which will teach them that they can treat them like crap and they will stay. Eventually it will teach them that it's okay to treat you that way because you keep putting up with it. They're definitely not going to stop. I broke up with my ex because he had several emotional Affairs and Justified it by saying that because he was not sleeping with these other women that it wasn't cheating. I'm not going to stay with someone who would disrespect me like that and see no problem with it.
I cant agree with you more. For me cheating is all encompassing...it involves both emotional and sexual
Exactly, that’s how it started and then they getting the courage to fully cheat because you STAYED. They amo it up
No we can’t reconnect. Thank you.
I don't ever want to feel disrespected again...it prevents me from being to good. I feel like if I am to good I it leaves me to just be taken advantage of. One hint and I am out.. never again
Don't ever let anyone, no matter how long you are with, ever make a fool out of you. Leave them in the dust. Too many women in the world to ever worry about only one, no matter how much you have been through.
How long after D-Day was Samantha able to feel and verbally express Love? 1year and 7 months in and I cannot and have not said "I Love you." I'm not sure if I love him, I do know that I appreciate his efforts. But I don't see him like I once did.
she still loved me but thought i was an 'xxxxxxx' and said that often. love isn't a feeling. she loved me and hated me she said. one day love...another day hate. it was normal. i think at one year and seven months later, you have to ask some tough questions and make sure you're getting infidelity specific expert help.
Where was this awe of your significant other prior to your cheating? Why must an emotionally traumatic event such as cheating be the catalyst for a sudden gain of respect for your faithful spouse? Why are you “awe- stricken”of what seems to be unhealthy coping mechanisms from the faithful spouse?
Pride.
Im on my personal healing,my husband betrayed me,i cant share with anyone,i am afraid that we are humiliated by our friends.i swallowed all the pains..whenever i ask my husband he will get frustrated and raise his voice at me.i am trying to save our marriage and i am forgiveng him,but the pain is killing me.I am an OFW,and it is hard that i even commit suicide.but I am here with pain struggling.
Hi Myra, If you feel you are a danger to yourself, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, as soon as possible. Please take care!
Myra keep your head up
Respond please
Are you OK
One of the best videos uploaded in awhile imho. Thank you for all you do!
means a lot.
I've got a huge question. What happened when the betrayed spouse is the one that is blamed by everyone( both the betrayed and unfaithful's family and say that it was all their fault, and that spouse has been abused for a long time but not by the unfaithful?
it happens more than you would believe. it's vital to have an expert third party involved to help bring clarity and insight and stop blaming the victim of the infidelity.
The betrayed spouse probably doesn’t realize it early on but it sounds like they could possibly be dealing with a narcissist. They plant seeds in family and friends even prior to the start of their cheating so they always have a get away plan, a way to explain things, or a way to blame the person. If the cheating spouse is a narcissistic, professional help will not help. And it’s best to give time and space between the family and friends who believe the lies. Those that belong in the betrayed persons life will eventually see things for what they truly are, the other folks just don’t belong in their life.
@@TiffyAlwaysBlissyan accurate observation.👏👏👏
I haven’t seen any level of remorse or regret that was enough to guide behaviors back to a healthy place. Just a lot of placating words, half assed attempts and then more cheating. I’m thoroughly convinced that 90% of cheaters see a willingness to stay and work on a marriage as exploitable weakness.
But you clearly felt remorse. If the unfaithful doesn't feel remorse, then there's no point.
I think the points here are much onesided. The side of the betrayer.
Whenever I hear a confession of a betrayer complimenting a betrayed one, I can't help but think you're doing it for manipulation reasons. I've never forgave my ex and broke up the relationship immediately. As a betrayed one myself, maybe it's just bitterness speaking or maybe because I never got a sincere apology. Didn't even get a confession until it was evident to everyone.
Sounds like you're making the unfaithful the victim 😒
I decided to stay with my cheating husband. it is interesting to learn how the unfaithful spouse views.
Never the same. Sorry.
I think my ex lost respect for me because i wanted to save our relationship after her affair. If i had walked out of the door and slammed it behind me, she may have come running after me. But instead, by wanting to save our relationship, i just came off as clingy and needy.
That’s called fighting for someone you loved! She will regret it! Tail between her legs! And when that happens just smile and laugh! I begged at first without knowing the full story but found out in the end! I wouldn’t drop it until I found the truth! When I did! And caught her! That’s when it ended. Begging me crying devastated. After speaking with her she said all the same sort of things, I never thought you would leave! I never wanted you to leave! I never wanted us to end! But you have to respect yourself, your morals and walk away. Let her do the work to get you back. If she doesn’t. Her loss!
Same aswell
But i filed for divorce after i found someone new and Young
The problem was my wife's begging for a getback since she wants to change😂
But im waiting for her real change, boundaries are ofcourse set and nahh I don't ever believe in LDR ever again
She's just lowering her standards
Pity for that new girl tho
Trapped between our crossfire
But if my wife ever does it again, it's easier for me to walk out
I chose to stay and try to make things work. But his attitude was the cruelest thing I've ever endured. I'm still trying to heal. If you choose to betray the one person that loved you more than anyone it is the cruelest thing you can ever do
Thank you, Samuel, for this perfectly timed video .... just last night I asked my husband if he sees me .. really sees me. He responded with an emotional yes. It was a quiet powerful moment .... i worry about this maybe more than I realize. Thank you
so glad i could help. i'm glad you're here my friend.
Wow find what he found in the affair partner in his betrayed wife?? Wow.. oh yeah let's see honey let me be a carbon copy of that woman.. so you can be happy !! Ha ha !! 😂😂😂
As a man this really sucks to be betrayed after 18 years of marriage. Im in the early process any help is welcomed.
Hi Neil
I hope you are sorting things out with your wife, it’s a hard road but either way what ever will make you happier in your life, you know what you need to do.
As a woman its very hard to. We been together for 13 yers. He cheated with 22 yers old plastic woman. I am 50 yers old. I feel you.
Stay strong. Find whatever emotional support is available. You are not someone else's bad choice.
I'm praying that my husband sees me as the great woman that I am. Until that day, I will set boundaries; refrain from expecting certain things from him; and continue to work on myself. Prayerfully, I'll still be in a space where I want to save my marriage when he finally wakes up.
remember, we teach people how to treat us with what we tolerate and what we accept. standing up for yourself is never going to damage you or the relationship as long as love is the guiding principle. proud of you my friend.
@@samshealingpodcast Thank you
ameen.. i hope he will see the greatest in you.
Yep I expect certain things now since he cheated 10 years ago. Doesn't happen.
Same here, same situation
This is not an easy topic and reading through the comments and examining my own hart after 20 plus years after D day I still from time to time wonder if I did the right thing by staying. I have forgiven both my wife and her AP and I am sure God did as well but some days my pain is really killing me. I have decided not to talk about it anymore to no one but God and I think it will be an ongoing chat with Him till the end…
My God..it happened to me..destroyed me..I just found out I was pregnant the same time he screwed around..oh took me years..years..he totally footed my life..we were very young at the time..
How are you now?
I didn't catch my husband he came and confessed himself coz he just wanted to end his 4 year affair and knew how wrong he was and just woke up as he said. He loves me again and wants to give me and our kids the world.
Don't know whether to believe him or not the only thing that's making me stay so far is the fact that he came and told me where he could've just continued and ended it without me knowing. It's been 3 weeks and I'm still in shock and confused. We've been married for ten years and he cheated the last 4. So don't know
My spouse had an emotional affair that didn’t stop till I found the evidence on the iPad . He has denied that he did anything wrong and that I was over reacting. Totally gas lighted me even though I had proof of every word he ever wrote to her
He is not or never will be in awe of me for staying I’m just codependent he is my second husband and I adored this man . He hurt me so badly and he does not care not really. And I believe he will do it again and I will actually leave him . I’m just waiting and it’s horrible to have no trust and be waiting to find proof that it’s happened again . I have given so much to this man .
But most of the cheating partners don't ask their self non because they keep cheating after you forgive them them they go so far start a fresh affair which means they don't care about their spouses
I was a stander for 18 months, then he tried to financially abuse us. I was forced to file for divorce. I needed to protect myself and my son.
I havent cried much, but you got me this time, sam. I love this channel, and in a totally honest expression, without any subtext (dont want Samantha as an enemy! Btw "you go girl!") I love your empathy, and love the energy you bring to this nightmare of a life experience, and i love that God sent me a person of strength and good sense to guide so many towards life...if i was a bit fan girl there, its only because i dont feel alone in imperfection. God bless you, fellow Texan, and every imperfect soul searching for answers.
8 yrs post D-day. I’ve come to accept he will never see in me what he saw in his 21 year Emotional affair with his High School girlfriend. She grew up with him. I did not. She had attachments to his childhood, which I never will. But I’ve finally quit trying to compete with all that. I AM a different person altogether. I don’t need to compare myself with her. I stayed because I wanted to. But nearly killed myself by trying to compete and making myself very I’ll. I am past that now. I still get triggered because their affair lasted a generation. But we have worked thru so much. We have both been completely committed to building a NEW relationship. So when we are with our 3 sons and families , 6 grands, we are a different couple. You can never go back to what you thought you had, but you can build something entirely new. You both have to be all in and committed. It’s not easy, but it can be worth the effort.
You did your best❤❤
What about the spouses that choose to leave, even after the betrayed spouse has fully forgiven them and showed them compassion? What are they going through? Do they ever regret leaving the marriage?
I stayed. After physical affair. I decided to forgive him and keep loving him. We were good and better than ever for 10 years. Until he did it again and gain and again this time emotionally. Which hurt even more.
Once a cheater always a cheater applies to my relationship. I obviously can no longer forgive and keep loving this person that now consciously and deliberately keeps hurting me.
My husband was never in awe. At least I never felt it. He was immature to understand that such troubled marriages need double the work of regular marriages if not more. He feels I used him as doormat, manipulated him. He said he was not respected. I simply don't get it how he could throw such allegations. He needs educate himself that he was and is insecure and should look at the essence of what I was saying instead of just words. He never addressed my concerns. I always told him I wanted an emotional connect and he failed to look beyond skin deep.
I think this varies a lot. There are cases where the unfaithful is truly remorseful and wants to save the marriage, and there are cases where the only reason the unfaithful stays is because they feel like they have no other option due to finances, kids, etc. In the former case, recovery can happen. In the latter case, resentment builds even more and the marriage becomes even more dead than ever.
My spouse betrayed me with little sister and there's a child involved. He's life seem to be normal and worst still is he's expectation me to accept amd move on. He keeps on saying 'it's in the mind ' and therefore I can choose what to feel. How do I deal with this the child will be a constant permanent reminder of the affair
i'm so sorry. i know it's awful and he's dead wrong. i would push for expert help asap. something like our ems weekend: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend if not that, then an expert therapist to intervene and help you both find heailng. his expectations to just move on are unfortunately normal but yet destructive.
For some unfaithful spouses a second chance sounds like an authorization to cheat on again. Of course this is true for those unfaithful spouses who aren't interested in healing.
But those who are, are beyond grateful
adultery is not the exception, it is fornication....
I swear this message couldn't have come at a better time. Thank you Samuel.
means so much to hear that. thank you.
Samuel my husband began cheating early in our marriage. I feel that in less than a year he began cheating. It was with one woman and another. I forgave but I slowly began getting depressed sad nostalgic. I always blamed myself thinking I was no good of a woman. He had me pregnant and his mistress pregnant. Why did he do this to me. It began at like 8 months of our marriage. We were together for 16 yrs until I had enough. I was never happy because I felt he cares more for his mistresses than me n the kids.
Few people actually respect humility and compassion. And in our society men who display those qualities are very often viewed as weak. Unfortunately, I suspect this is the most common reaction to a forgiving husband. Obviously every case is unique but this video raises unrealistic expectations.
I am finding a hard time understanding why the cheater would be looking for healing. It is their actions that have set everything ablaze. It seems pretty selfish.
A hard watch indeed
Because both parties need to heal after such things
@@ramcharge2704 what does the betrayer heal from? From being caught, from making his choices to be unfaithful? Help me here....
God hates divorce, but he understands the hardness of mans heart. Move on for a period of time. Don't stay. Renew your mind through Christ and if reconciliation is possible it will be most possible after a period of time of seperation.
remember God does not hate divorcees. it's vital that for those who come from faith hear that he does NOT hate divorcees ever. many forget to share the love of God despite their doing of something he doesn't approve of.
Why so much concern on the unfaithful spouse when they were the ones who did the damage and created the mess. They were the ones who hurt and betrayed. They were the ones who destroyed the marriage. Because no matter how much you try nothing will ever, ever be the same. So concentrate a little more on the betrayed spouse. Because the hurt wounds the heart and leaves a scar and that scar will never go away. Whereas the unfaithful will feel remorse when they get caught. And when they are intimate with you how do you know they are not comparing you or thinking about the other person because it has happened.
Helpful insights. Thank you
Welldone
After reading these comments, I am glad I am single. Whew !
I'll stay that way.
I wish I never married. The pain of your spouse cheating is as bad a betrayal as one can ecperience.
I feel like a lot of you are focusing on one part of the video. Yes it is terrible that he was looking for something more. I know for me it wasn’t just lust. It was another girl that I knew before and I was in a way pursuing a polyamorous. After everything broke down I realized “bro I am being narcissistic”
That is the truth. And it wasn’t that I didn’t love her or I loved the other more I just wanted more and thought that was okay. It’s very important to just ‘love yours’.
Now I am young and I know I made mistakes. I do not wanna be a cheater and I refuse to claim it. I totally regret what I did and after D-Day everything became more clear once I was able to be honest about.
It hurt me to hurt her and I hope that we can pull through but it doesn’t seem possible. There’s too many nooks and crannies.
Don’t lose focus on what you love and your delayed gratification over a distraction. Identify your narcissistic thoughts so you can call yourself out first. Most of all don’t live in the past.
My unfaithful chose not a woman but his additions. But eventually the woman will be there too, if he chooses to continue in this path. I have hung on for 5 years…. He has moved out to make his lifestyle easier to do and me to fiend for myself with virtually no income. Why should I keep hoping it will change for us? I am tired. Life is short. I can only pray for his salvation and hope he will except the care of God.
without help, and without expert help it's not likely he will change or sober up. it's vital you take care of yourself and get the healing you need my friend. i'm sorry it's so awful
Thanks! I feel so much worse now.
Ouch.. this one hurt. But the truth hurts sometimes. I hate that he is wondering if he'll ever find in me what he found in her. That cuts to the deepest core of my being. Every day I feel like he loves me less and less instead of seeing me in that light. I don't think he'll ever get it. I don't want to give up, but this is the most raw, tangible, heart-wrenching pain I have ever experienced. I can't hear about how he is hurting over losing her. That kills my soul. 💔
this is exactly what hit me from this video. What if he never finds in me what he found in her? what if he will never look at me the way he looked at her, with the same appreciation, with the same desire. What if he will always wonder how his life would've been with her? And what of he will never understand the amount of pain he's caused, the psychological pain I am going through, considering myself the lowest, unworthy of love, undesired woman? there are so many questions, even now, 1.5 years after D-day.
@@katallinna Exactly! Being betrayed hurts enough without the additional pain of feeling unwanted, not good enough, and like he doesn't even empathize with what he has done to me. It feels like he is staying with me out of obligation and shame, which makes the original betrayal even worse. I want to give up so much and move on with my life.
@@abaile7 Yes! Exactly! How can they not feel our pain? How can they show no real regret for what they have done? And how can they still be the ones that get angry whenever we get triggered and reminded? And you know what's worse for me? Worse than the pain of constantly wondering if he still thinks about her, or if he compares me to her, is the pain of me comparing myself to her, thinking less of me, and wondering if I will ever be able to look at him and not feel something breaking inside. Sometimes I feel like , even though he is the one that cheated, I am the punished one, I am the one that has to do all that she can so that her man will not look at another woman.
I also know that intelligent women stay only if the Unfaithful, turns it around to Purpose like this. There are NO other reasons. Saving family? The unfaithful could have gone and started other families! What about His other families? If separation has already happened, depending on the duration, the kids might have already gotten used to the new normal. Forgiveness is easy. Reconciliation might meet a "what for?" situation. The unfaithful might have too much unnecessary work. If both are Christian, it can only be God saying He wants a ministry to happen for people's eternal gain. Otherwise, adultery is a waster. The cost of Reconciliation can be too much. Life is generally not that long. We should just enjoy whether Betrayed or "unfaithful"🙂.