Unknowingly I've spent about the last 10 years unwinding much of the conditioning. I used to be quite popular and had quite a few friends, but the inauthenticity and hollowness of it all was killing me. Now I have basically no friends at all, but I feel I'm still only midway through this process, feeling dissociated, and not sure where I'm going. I do know I can't go back though, I feel an almost visceral revulsion at the thought of imitating the behaviour that made me fit in before.
Agree. I made a deal with myself in the parking lot following my diagnosis that I would never again push myself to be someone I'm not. Visceral is a good way to put it. I'm happy with my partner, 1 friend, and cats lol 😂
As a self-proclaimed geek/nerd, when I went to college, I was shocked by finally finding lots of people like me, congregating in science fiction clubs, science clubs, and other speciality interests. I think there are many of us awakening to who we are. I think you will find your people.
@@ProudlyAutistic A friend who really understands you, or at least tries as best they can, is better than a dozen superficial relationships. The only difficulty is not to be too naïve in this respect due to the lack of the possibility of reading people and to take enough time to ensure that it really is a friend in the end. Cats are one of the most divine beings on this planet anyway, so much superior to humans. Even the pharaohs knew that. 😁
One thing during my road to getting diagnosed as having mild support needs ASD that I found was on my kindergarten report card, my teacher said that I was disruptive to other children. This came as a huge surprise to me since I think most people would describe me now as being very reserved - to the point where some people have said it makes them uncomfortable that I'm so reserved or off-standish! After years of defining my self worth via societal standards that I failed to live up to, it's been difficult trying to rebuild this foundation out of a standard of personal comfort and happiness. But, it's also been very rewarding and comforting to find people who share similar experiences. It's also been very uplifting to see newer generations place a bigger emphasis on acceptance and (sometimes) diversity of thought.
I think we're in a similar place. I am definitely naturally extroverted even though the weight of masking has pushed me into introversion. As a young child, all my early career choices has to do with interacting with people and being the center of attention. I recognize I can't recapture that. However I'm doing the best I can to find authenticity in a way that is healthy for me. I agree about this younger generation, I truly think they will be the ones that bring change. Good luck on your journey 💛
@JE-pd8fp if a rule doesn't make sense, why have a rule? The answer is generally because it suits someone else, but even that is a better way to explain it then "because I said so", imo.
I’m finding that when I am interacting with someone and I’m aware that I’m in my authentic skin and acting from instinct, that it’s helpful to explain to the trusted person that I’m interacting with, that this is me when I’m authentically autistic. Because most people don’t make the connection. Which is why we need to educate the world!
I just want to express how much your videos are helping me. You put into words concepts I have trouble expressing. Everything you explained is spot on to my inner experience. Thank you ❤
I just got my late autism diagnosis on the 22nd of may 2024. Just 8 days ago. I'm 43 years old. Autistic youtubers like you means the world to me. Thank you. 🏆❤
This really hits for me. I’m a trained dog trainer, I learnt all about operant conditioning etc. i never related it to my own life. it kind of makes sense why I relate to this so much and why people say I’m so good with dogs. Thank you for making this video.
I was diagnosed as a hyperactive (ADD) kid in 1983 and they wanted to send me to corrective therapy and put me I ritalin because I was a "problem child". My parents refused because they believed I was a healthy and happy child, just different. I spent most of my adult life masking, trying, and normally failing to fit in no matter how hard I tired and not understanding why people treated me so badly and often disliked me for no reason. I only recently accepted I am likely an autistic person following over a year of researching, taking all the usual tests, talking to friends and family, and engaging with the the community to hear and share experiences. I believe I was misdiagnosed in 83 and I am in fact an autistic person, rather than having ADHD, I really relate to the ASD side and not so much with the ADHD side of the spectrum. I am currently in the process of unmasking and stopping people pleasing and pretending I am someone I am not. Not quite sure how to go about it, but this video was helpful :)
Journaling without rules or self editing seems to be helping me to be more authentic in other situations as well. I'm also trying to just accept that my expectations are not valid, what I think should be socially harmonious isn't, but I can still be myself and move on.
@@mindofthespirit1543 it seems kinda cliche and it was a struggle to begin, still a struggle to not hold anything back, but it has been SO helpful for me.
YES. I have come to the realization people will NOT accept and love me for who I actually am. So now, instead of masking, I isolate and I’m much happier.
Well Jesus loves you!! And I’m sure you are a wonderful person. I understand feeling this way. I isolate a lot. It’s good to get out in nature or around people once in awhile.
When I was 11 or 12 I made a conscious decision to study the way other people interact so I could emulate that, because I was worried I might be hurting others' feelings by not meeting them on their level. I treated it like learning a foreign language. Now I'm having to learn to limit my use of these skills so I have enough energy to do my job, function and regulate my nervous system. I don't think all masking is inherently a betrayal of self, it can be a tool I use to respect the limitations of others and better communicate my intentions towards them. But I need to respect my own limitations as well, and give myself the space and permission to live in a way I can maintain long term and even enjoy.
@@ProudlyAutistic and honestly if those expectations aren't rooted in relational needs that are part of a mutual and helpful relationship with that person, they're often just... not worth the energy required to meet them.
It is sad to look back and see how much of my life I've spent trying to appease others by masking and going with the flow. My authentic self was so hidden I never developed skill in any area. Now I just want to be me and not try to fit into everyone's "ideal me" box.
A great video! For me it always felt like conditioning. I haven't done it at my free will, I did it to fit in. And I payed the price for overwriting my natural reactions. Thanks for this great content.
Hi Karen, thank you for your appreaciating channel that I found a few weeks ago. And yesterday I watched an interview on the channel of Orion Kelly with you, that I liked a lot. For me both of you give me the impression to be quite authentic which I highly appreciate. Although I know that the masking over decades has its prices, especially on your identity and the unravelling of the masking will be a lifelong journey. Like you I have also got a Narcissistic parent and besides of that my whole childhood was a real unsafe experience because I have also been abandoned three times out of a sudden which created a generalised anxiety and depression. I never knew that I was an Autistic woman until I met a Sociopath a few years ago. Although this was a very toxic relationship, he opened my eyes for the fact that I am on the Autistic spectrum, which makes so much sense of how I have always experienced life. From the outside world I have always been labeld as either "too sensitive", "too anxious" or "too serious". I am an introvert but now I wonder if I was also made as one because when I was little I always wanted to play with other kids but had difficulties to make friends so that I often had to play alone. I like to sozialize but I just find it often too overwhelming, getting older even more overwhelming. In my working places I always had to interact with lots of different people because I really like to communicate but since a few years I am working for just one client in the social area so that I can (hyper)focus much better. Yesterday I told my family doctor that I came to the conclusion that I am Autistic. She was very open and supportive about my self diagnosis but I still do not know if I want an official diagnosis because I know it's a long process and might also be very expensive. By the way, I am 57 yrs. and I am quite sure that my daughter (22 yrs.) is also Autistic. She herself thinks she has Borderline. I mention this because I remember that you went to a therapist who was specialized in that field. Long story short, I really liked your example of the candies which explained the intermitted reinforcement (we were even more trained into in our Narcissistic upbringing) very well. Sending you many regards from Germany 🙋♀️
Good tips and mindset in this video. I would like to add from my personal experience after over two decades of heavy masking and heavily trying to fit in, that I realized my behavior was maladaptive. It was taking from me a lot more than it was giving me. I was trying to collect crumbs from forced relationships or acquaintances where I had to do all the work to get accepted, and I would still be micro-rejected within the relationship, and of course it would be exhausting and inauthentic. Like the feeling of walking in painfully uncomfortable shoes and never being allowed to take them off or to even acknowledge that my feet hurt. As a result of my understanding I drew away from many people, many types of interaction, and spent more time with myself, feeling who my authentic self is, as well as with people I could naturally be myself with. Also, I built up the ability not to care what other people expect of me. Not to give any sort of excuse for how I am or what I prefer. Just like they don't give excuses to me or cater to my preferences. I'm much happier and I have much more peace of mind, and I am much more myself more of the time. It's so worth it.
@@ProudlyAutisticthank you. I think you and I are about the same age, I'm 46, and I think I came to this realization in my mid/late 30s, but only in the past year have I felt more and more at peace with it. Watching videos such as yours are helpful in that regard.
We’re still new to the spectrum. I started watching this video this morning as my wife was out on a walk. I got to the candy demonstration and my AuDhD took over (even though I was still watching!) and I wandered off thinking this may or may not be something I should care about. Then my wife came home and we got into a discussion about my plans for decluttering my office, laundry room, and garage. She made a suggestion from her neat and tidy perspective (in a different place on the spectrum) and -BOOM- inexplicably the mask I wear to myself falls off and for the first time I see what really goes on behind it. After nearly seven decades I’ve not even been aware of the self-destructive turmoil and chaos going on inside. For once I could feel cortisol flooding my body as I struggled to contain a monster flailing inside. I was overwhelmed with memories of so many incidents of soul-sucking, meaningless conversations to evil and abusive situations I endured in a pool of stress/cortisol and a brain overwhelmed and unable to cope. We’ve not yet told anyone about our autism discovery. Nor have we mentioned traits we now see in our family. We probably need to apologize to our kids, both for what we did or didn’t do because of our differentness, and because of theirs. Work-uh, I don’t know. I don’t know if trying to make my job more neurodivergent friendly is worth the effort. But masking? I don’t know if I can do that anymore either. It’s always been a struggle to stay employed but I’ve been fortunate to have worked most of my life. I still need to work. I just don’t think it’s necessary I endure the masks anymore. Back to the video…
Thanks for sharing, it is definitely a can of worms you've opened, but a worthy one!😊 Baby steps make great progress, glad you have a supportive partner.
As with all major things, this takes time. This may not be the best news if you've been running around undiagnosed for a large part of your life, but I think you can make the time more enjoyable by pursuing a "good" special interest that requires a lot of attention (for example, learning to play an instrument). That's one way, it definitely takes a lot of unnecessary thinking out of your head and turns it into experiences and with a bit of luck and practice, eventually into skill. Good video. I'll gladly take the sour candy.
This was extremely helpful at the point I'm at right now in my journey on accepting myself and learning how to cope. I like the 'soft' approach to unmasking you suggest. I'm still considering who to tell how I really function, and who not to, and I'm still experimenting with trying to re-learn stimming after years of negative reinforcement learning on not doing it. I sometimes get confused as to what is really my true self, but having started to unmask with the friends and family members I trust feels like coming more alive and has lifted my depression, so I must be on the right path. Still in doubt whether I should tell my patients; I'm a psychotherapist, and my experience is that most of my clients feel I help them most of the time, but I'm afraid some might think that a person with ASD is not able to understand them.
It feels very uncomfortable to unmask because I am drawing attention for behaving differently (especially with stimming). But on the other hand I don’t want to mask anymore because it is so very exhausting and I’m simply burnt out.
Yeah. I'm hoping now that we're adults we can feel comfortable challenging many of these arbitrary expectations. I can't believe I forgot to mention eye contact 🤦♀️
I think in a addition to it being conditioning, it's also similar to maladaptive or addictive behaviors, where we engage in something in hope of a reward, but much of the time no reward materializes, and we pay a heavy price each time, but we keep going back for more.
That's an interesting thought, I'll have to think about that one a bit. I could see that playing into perfectionism (maybe if I'm just a little better people will like me). Thank you 💛
I learned to wear a mask for the narcs, alcoholics, abuse survivors and codependents in my family. I wore one for myself to keep from giving up hope. Not surprisingly, I ended up working with a narc boss and three narc coworkers. A thought occurs to me. If the predatory boss could tell I was a target, how much do our masks really hide?!
After I took the mask off, I had a lot of autistic repressions where all those neuropath away I had before where I was asking was using up all my energy. I stopped masking after I became aware of mine is way more devastating when your mask crumbles but it’s a good thing because masking was killing you slowly, but unmasking you lose a lot ofcommunication skills give me a lot more more rude. I guess although I just see it upfront or sometimes you say things you don’t realize how sensitive they come off because you’re no longer wearing the mask so you pretty much have to reprogram and work from scratch all over again after mask for years
My family told me to dress and behave differently around my sister, bcs who I actually am made her uncomfortable. I refused, knowing that was unacceptable.
unmasking has been really difficult because I want people to like and accept me yet at the sametime my mask isn't perfect so people sense something off about me. socializing and trying to have friends is so difficult. I prefer being alone but feel like I need friends for some reason.
I'm similar. I'm pleasant enough, but people know I'm different. I mask for ease of communication, but I don't mask for relationships. I figure if people don't like me, it's better to find out sooner than later. Fyi I have a chat board at autistic.chat that's pretty active. I know that's not "real life" but there's some nice people on there and maybe you can make some new connections 💛
Can you talk about stimming in public like at church, school a store? Something happened today to me. I was stimming with my highlighter just moving it in my hand and moving my legs. And I then noticed the women a few seats down from me clicking her pen. She never stopped. So I thought maybe she thought I was trying to annoy her. But really I was stimming and she didn’t know me or know I’m autistic.
I'm going through unmasking currently, and am unsure how much of my "original self" I'll want due to then being a very angry and rigid child (a LOT of meltdowns happened). Do you have any thoughts on adapting authentic elements into better forms while unmasking them?
Does the need to socialize vary among those with ASD? I relate to almost all of the ASD criteria but I don't seem to relate to the need to socialize. The less that I interact with people, the happier and less exhausted I tend to be. Is that normal or not so much?
Yes, I would think so as we're all different. I don't have a high need to socialize. However, I suspect that I'm an introvert due to social trauma (PTSD) and that I'm naturally an extrovert. So what I mean by that is that I hate going out and dealing with people but when I'm in social settings, I'm pretty talkative.
I wonder if the percentage of introverts who are autistic is higher than it is in extroverts. Having to constantly pretend to be something you aren't seems like it would drain ones social batteries faster than being oneself.
I think it is higher, however, I suspect it's not conventional introversion. For example, I believe I'm naturally extroverted. Under different circumstances, I would have been. However, the stress and demands of being autistic in an NT world is exhausting and has pushed me inward.
Do you think social skills training is really just teaching autistic people to mask? If so, do you think social skills training is not good for autistic people?
@@ProudlyAutistic Party one lies based on social interaction. Party two lies for a similar reason, although it can be viewed as something different, it's still a deception. If the statement "for every problem, there is a solution" is true, it's just a matter of time to sift through the irrational solutions, and apply an actual working solution, even if someone holds your hand the entire time. That in itself is the solution to move forward, but not advance. But since moving forward can be difficult, it's a partially acceptable outcome. When I was in grade seven, a boy bullied me a bit. I can't say I enjoyed it. One day while our entire class was in the boys changing room, he tripped and fell, everyone else looked at him, and I was the only one who gave him my hand to stand up, because it was the right thing to do. He never bullied me again. Can we call his behavior NT? What about my behavior? Being authentic and true to ones self. BATOS, can be the short form. What about people who fail to develop a self, a higher self? Does BATOS apply to their situation? As the name may imply, two words , Bat OS (we can assume OS is operating system). It's not reliant on sight alone. That says a lot.
John 3:16 "For this is how God loved the world: He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who unmasks himself before Him will not perish but have eternal life.
3 years in "unmasking" after 34 years "masking", i still got no clue what i like and dislike, whom i find attractive or repulsive.. 🫣 the only thing i'm 100% sure of is that i'm trangender, autistic and i got ADHD 😂 I thought i was aromatic and asexual. Then a guy dropped into my life, and i'm sure that i definitely can feel those feeling 😂 I'm 37 acting like a 13 year old in many ways because i'm in my late second puberty.. not confusing it as being unable to make rational desicions, but needing to be childish when i can, and being confused about stuff i should know
Unknowingly I've spent about the last 10 years unwinding much of the conditioning. I used to be quite popular and had quite a few friends, but the inauthenticity and hollowness of it all was killing me. Now I have basically no friends at all, but I feel I'm still only midway through this process, feeling dissociated, and not sure where I'm going. I do know I can't go back though, I feel an almost visceral revulsion at the thought of imitating the behaviour that made me fit in before.
Agree. I made a deal with myself in the parking lot following my diagnosis that I would never again push myself to be someone I'm not. Visceral is a good way to put it. I'm happy with my partner, 1 friend, and cats lol 😂
As a self-proclaimed geek/nerd, when I went to college, I was shocked by finally finding lots of people like me, congregating in science fiction clubs, science clubs, and other speciality interests.
I think there are many of us awakening to who we are. I think you will find your people.
once you find other neurodivergent people to hang out with, life will feel awesome
@@ProudlyAutistic A friend who really understands you, or at least tries as best they can, is better than a dozen superficial relationships.
The only difficulty is not to be too naïve in this respect due to the lack of the possibility of reading people and to take enough time to ensure that it really is a friend in the end.
Cats are one of the most divine beings on this planet anyway, so much superior to humans. Even the pharaohs knew that. 😁
One thing during my road to getting diagnosed as having mild support needs ASD that I found was on my kindergarten report card, my teacher said that I was disruptive to other children. This came as a huge surprise to me since I think most people would describe me now as being very reserved - to the point where some people have said it makes them uncomfortable that I'm so reserved or off-standish!
After years of defining my self worth via societal standards that I failed to live up to, it's been difficult trying to rebuild this foundation out of a standard of personal comfort and happiness. But, it's also been very rewarding and comforting to find people who share similar experiences. It's also been very uplifting to see newer generations place a bigger emphasis on acceptance and (sometimes) diversity of thought.
I think we're in a similar place. I am definitely naturally extroverted even though the weight of masking has pushed me into introversion. As a young child, all my early career choices has to do with interacting with people and being the center of attention. I recognize I can't recapture that. However I'm doing the best I can to find authenticity in a way that is healthy for me. I agree about this younger generation, I truly think they will be the ones that bring change. Good luck on your journey 💛
I was also "disruptive." From an early age I never wanted to obey a rule I didn't understand. I'm very into rules. They just have to make sense.
@@JE-pd8fp"obedient to principles, not people," was what I said all my life.
my report card says I'm a good student but I disrupt the other children by making animal noises
@JE-pd8fp if a rule doesn't make sense, why have a rule?
The answer is generally because it suits someone else, but even that is a better way to explain it then "because I said so", imo.
Nice analogy with the sour candy. Very effective messaging when you ate it. Lol.
Yeah, I like a good teaching aid lol 😂
I agree. I love your humour - very subtle, but then I love that about autists. We are not flat affect, we appreciate subtlety.
I’m finding that when I am interacting with someone and I’m aware that I’m in my authentic skin and acting from instinct, that it’s helpful to explain to the trusted person that I’m interacting with, that this is me when I’m authentically autistic. Because most people don’t make the connection. Which is why we need to educate the world!
I just want to express how much your videos are helping me. You put into words concepts I have trouble expressing. Everything you explained is spot on to my inner experience. Thank you ❤
Thank you, that's my goal with this channel (to explain our experiences in a relatable way). I'm glad it's helping ☺️
I just got my late autism diagnosis on the 22nd of may 2024. Just 8 days ago. I'm 43 years old. Autistic youtubers like you means the world to me. Thank you. 🏆❤
Congratulations! 🎉
Thank you @@ProudlyAutistic
This really hits for me. I’m a trained dog trainer, I learnt all about operant conditioning etc. i never related it to my own life. it kind of makes sense why I relate to this so much and why people say I’m so good with dogs. Thank you for making this video.
Wow, how powerful. I hope that specialized understanding can greatly help you on this journey!
I love your videos. As a recently diagnosed (at the age of 39) autistic guy, they have been very helpful to me.
(quietly loving your username. Even g and d have a pleasing symmetry for me.)
Thank you, I'm glad they're helpful 💛
Really helpful perspective and approach for someone new (ish) to the idea of masking 🍀
Glad it was helpful 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic 😇
Are you trying to unmask? What have you found helpful in your journey?
I was diagnosed as a hyperactive (ADD) kid in 1983 and they wanted to send me to corrective therapy and put me I ritalin because I was a "problem child". My parents refused because they believed I was a healthy and happy child, just different. I spent most of my adult life masking, trying, and normally failing to fit in no matter how hard I tired and not understanding why people treated me so badly and often disliked me for no reason. I only recently accepted I am likely an autistic person following over a year of researching, taking all the usual tests, talking to friends and family, and engaging with the the community to hear and share experiences. I believe I was misdiagnosed in 83 and I am in fact an autistic person, rather than having ADHD, I really relate to the ASD side and not so much with the ADHD side of the spectrum. I am currently in the process of unmasking and stopping people pleasing and pretending I am someone I am not. Not quite sure how to go about it, but this video was helpful :)
Journaling without rules or self editing seems to be helping me to be more authentic in other situations as well. I'm also trying to just accept that my expectations are not valid, what I think should be socially harmonious isn't, but I can still be myself and move on.
Forgiveness, mercy?
@@courtney9212
I was thinking the same - journaling helps me define my authentic self verus the image I present.
@@mindofthespirit1543 it seems kinda cliche and it was a struggle to begin, still a struggle to not hold anything back, but it has been SO helpful for me.
YES. I have come to the realization people will NOT accept and love me for who I actually am. So now, instead of masking, I isolate and I’m much happier.
Well Jesus loves you!! And I’m sure you are a wonderful person. I understand feeling this way. I isolate a lot. It’s good to get out in nature or around people once in awhile.
When I was 11 or 12 I made a conscious decision to study the way other people interact so I could emulate that, because I was worried I might be hurting others' feelings by not meeting them on their level. I treated it like learning a foreign language. Now I'm having to learn to limit my use of these skills so I have enough energy to do my job, function and regulate my nervous system. I don't think all masking is inherently a betrayal of self, it can be a tool I use to respect the limitations of others and better communicate my intentions towards them. But I need to respect my own limitations as well, and give myself the space and permission to live in a way I can maintain long term and even enjoy.
This is where I am. I am learning to delineate between what I need to be functional and what is just extra to meet other's expectations.
@@ProudlyAutistic and honestly if those expectations aren't rooted in relational needs that are part of a mutual and helpful relationship with that person, they're often just... not worth the energy required to meet them.
It is sad to look back and see how much of my life I've spent trying to appease others by masking and going with the flow. My authentic self was so hidden I never developed skill in any area. Now I just want to be me and not try to fit into everyone's "ideal me" box.
I'm glad you found clarity. Good luck on your journey 💛
A great video! For me it always felt like conditioning. I haven't done it at my free will, I did it to fit in. And I payed the price for overwriting my natural reactions.
Thanks for this great content.
Thank you for your kind words 💛 Yes, the term masking makes it seem optional or like we have more control over it than we actually do.
Hi Karen,
thank you for your appreaciating channel that I found a few weeks ago. And yesterday I watched an interview on the channel of Orion Kelly with you, that I liked a lot. For me both of you give me the impression to be quite authentic which I highly appreciate. Although I know that the masking over decades has its prices, especially on your identity and the unravelling of the masking will be a lifelong journey.
Like you I have also got a Narcissistic parent and besides of that my whole childhood was a real unsafe experience because I have also been abandoned three times out of a sudden which created a generalised anxiety and depression. I never knew that I was an Autistic woman until I met a Sociopath a few years ago. Although this was a very toxic relationship, he opened my eyes for the fact that I am on the Autistic spectrum, which makes so much sense of how I have always experienced life.
From the outside world I have always been labeld as either "too sensitive", "too anxious" or "too serious". I am an introvert but now I wonder if I was also made as one because when I was little I always wanted to play with other kids but had difficulties to make friends so that I often had to play alone. I like to sozialize but I just find it often too overwhelming, getting older even more overwhelming. In my working places I always had to interact with lots of different people because I really like to communicate but since a few years I am working for just one client in the social area so that I can (hyper)focus much better.
Yesterday I told my family doctor that I came to the conclusion that I am Autistic. She was very open and supportive about my self diagnosis but I still do not know if I want an official diagnosis because I know it's a long process and might also be very expensive.
By the way, I am 57 yrs. and I am quite sure that my daughter (22 yrs.) is also Autistic. She herself thinks she has Borderline. I mention this because I remember that you went to a therapist who was specialized in that field.
Long story short, I really liked your example of the candies which explained the intermitted reinforcement (we were even more trained into in our Narcissistic upbringing) very well.
Sending you many regards from Germany 🙋♀️
Good tips and mindset in this video. I would like to add from my personal experience after over two decades of heavy masking and heavily trying to fit in, that I realized my behavior was maladaptive. It was taking from me a lot more than it was giving me. I was trying to collect crumbs from forced relationships or acquaintances where I had to do all the work to get accepted, and I would still be micro-rejected within the relationship, and of course it would be exhausting and inauthentic. Like the feeling of walking in painfully uncomfortable shoes and never being allowed to take them off or to even acknowledge that my feet hurt.
As a result of my understanding I drew away from many people, many types of interaction, and spent more time with myself, feeling who my authentic self is, as well as with people I could naturally be myself with. Also, I built up the ability not to care what other people expect of me. Not to give any sort of excuse for how I am or what I prefer. Just like they don't give excuses to me or cater to my preferences.
I'm much happier and I have much more peace of mind, and I am much more myself more of the time. It's so worth it.
Excellent comment thank you 💛 I came to a similar conclusion, but unfortunately much later., after my divorce. I keep my circle very small nowadays.
@@ProudlyAutisticthank you. I think you and I are about the same age, I'm 46, and I think I came to this realization in my mid/late 30s, but only in the past year have I felt more and more at peace with it. Watching videos such as yours are helpful in that regard.
Very insightful and helpful take on autistic masking. Thanks, Karen!
Great video! very informative 😁
Thank you! 😊
Going through process currently. Your videos are so awesome and informative. Your honesty is refreshing.
Thank you. Good luck on your journey 💛
We’re still new to the spectrum. I started watching this video this morning as my wife was out on a walk. I got to the candy demonstration and my AuDhD took over (even though I was still watching!) and I wandered off thinking this may or may not be something I should care about.
Then my wife came home and we got into a discussion about my plans for decluttering my office, laundry room, and garage. She made a suggestion from her neat and tidy perspective (in a different place on the spectrum) and -BOOM- inexplicably the mask I wear to myself falls off and for the first time I see what really goes on behind it. After nearly seven decades I’ve not even been aware of the self-destructive turmoil and chaos going on inside. For once I could feel cortisol flooding my body as I struggled to contain a monster flailing inside. I was overwhelmed with memories of so many incidents of soul-sucking, meaningless conversations to evil and abusive situations I endured in a pool of stress/cortisol and a brain overwhelmed and unable to cope.
We’ve not yet told anyone about our autism discovery. Nor have we mentioned traits we now see in our family. We probably need to apologize to our kids, both for what we did or didn’t do because of our differentness, and because of theirs. Work-uh, I don’t know. I don’t know if trying to make my job more neurodivergent friendly is worth the effort. But masking? I don’t know if I can do that anymore either. It’s always been a struggle to stay employed but I’ve been fortunate to have worked most of my life. I still need to work. I just don’t think it’s necessary I endure the masks anymore.
Back to the video…
Thanks for sharing, it is definitely a can of worms you've opened, but a worthy one!😊 Baby steps make great progress, glad you have a supportive partner.
As with all major things, this takes time. This may not be the best news if you've been running around undiagnosed for a large part of your life, but I think you can make the time more enjoyable by pursuing a "good" special interest that requires a lot of attention (for example, learning to play an instrument). That's one way, it definitely takes a lot of unnecessary thinking out of your head and turns it into experiences and with a bit of luck and practice, eventually into skill.
Good video. I'll gladly take the sour candy.
This was extremely helpful at the point I'm at right now in my journey on accepting myself and learning how to cope. I like the 'soft' approach to unmasking you suggest. I'm still considering who to tell how I really function, and who not to, and I'm still experimenting with trying to re-learn stimming after years of negative reinforcement learning on not doing it. I sometimes get confused as to what is really my true self, but having started to unmask with the friends and family members I trust feels like coming more alive and has lifted my depression, so I must be on the right path. Still in doubt whether I should tell my patients; I'm a psychotherapist, and my experience is that most of my clients feel I help them most of the time, but I'm afraid some might think that a person with ASD is not able to understand them.
It feels very uncomfortable to unmask because I am drawing attention for behaving differently (especially with stimming). But on the other hand I don’t want to mask anymore because it is so very exhausting and I’m simply burnt out.
Social conditioning 😂
Especially when there's a behaviour punishment cycle.
"It's rude to not look at me when I'm talking to you"
Ugh....
Yeah. I'm hoping now that we're adults we can feel comfortable challenging many of these arbitrary expectations. I can't believe I forgot to mention eye contact 🤦♀️
very apt and well explained. thank you
So helpful, thankyou. I particularly appreciated the visual analogy!
Subbed after just watching your interview with Orion.
I think in a addition to it being conditioning, it's also similar to maladaptive or addictive behaviors, where we engage in something in hope of a reward, but much of the time no reward materializes, and we pay a heavy price each time, but we keep going back for more.
That's an interesting thought, I'll have to think about that one a bit. I could see that playing into perfectionism (maybe if I'm just a little better people will like me). Thank you 💛
I learned to wear a mask for the narcs, alcoholics, abuse survivors and codependents in my family. I wore one for myself to keep from giving up hope. Not surprisingly, I ended up working with a narc boss and three narc coworkers. A thought occurs to me. If the predatory boss could tell I was a target, how much do our masks really hide?!
After I took the mask off, I had a lot of autistic repressions where all those neuropath away I had before where I was asking was using up all my energy. I stopped masking after I became aware of mine is way more devastating when your mask crumbles but it’s a good thing because masking was killing you slowly, but unmasking you lose a lot ofcommunication skills give me a lot more more rude. I guess although I just see it upfront or sometimes you say things you don’t realize how sensitive they come off because you’re no longer wearing the mask so you pretty much have to reprogram and work from scratch all over again after mask for years
Love this. Thank you so much
My family told me to dress and behave differently around my sister, bcs who I actually am made her uncomfortable. I refused, knowing that was unacceptable.
unmasking has been really difficult because I want people to like and accept me yet at the sametime my mask isn't perfect so people sense something off about me. socializing and trying to have friends is so difficult. I prefer being alone but feel like I need friends for some reason.
I'm similar. I'm pleasant enough, but people know I'm different. I mask for ease of communication, but I don't mask for relationships. I figure if people don't like me, it's better to find out sooner than later. Fyi I have a chat board at autistic.chat that's pretty active. I know that's not "real life" but there's some nice people on there and maybe you can make some new connections 💛
Can you talk about stimming in public like at church, school a store? Something happened today to me. I was stimming with my highlighter just moving it in my hand and moving my legs. And I then noticed the women a few seats down from me clicking her pen. She never stopped. So I thought maybe she thought I was trying to annoy her. But really I was stimming and she didn’t know me or know I’m autistic.
Was she stimming too?
I'm going through unmasking currently, and am unsure how much of my "original self" I'll want due to then being a very angry and rigid child (a LOT of meltdowns happened). Do you have any thoughts on adapting authentic elements into better forms while unmasking them?
Does the need to socialize vary among those with ASD? I relate to almost all of the ASD criteria but I don't seem to relate to the need to socialize. The less that I interact with people, the happier and less exhausted I tend to be. Is that normal or not so much?
Yes, I would think so as we're all different. I don't have a high need to socialize. However, I suspect that I'm an introvert due to social trauma (PTSD) and that I'm naturally an extrovert. So what I mean by that is that I hate going out and dealing with people but when I'm in social settings, I'm pretty talkative.
On a side note - I love sour candy 😊
It takes all kinds 💛 but yeah.... no.... not for me lol 😆
I wonder if the percentage of introverts who are autistic is higher than it is in extroverts. Having to constantly pretend to be something you aren't seems like it would drain ones social batteries faster than being oneself.
I think it is higher, however, I suspect it's not conventional introversion. For example, I believe I'm naturally extroverted. Under different circumstances, I would have been. However, the stress and demands of being autistic in an NT world is exhausting and has pushed me inward.
Do you think social skills training is really just teaching autistic people to mask? If so, do you think social skills training is not good for autistic people?
Isn't authenticity rational and logical thought? I really can't see it being anything else.
Yes. The challenge is that NTs approach it a bot differently, hence the conflict and need for masking....
@@ProudlyAutistic Party one lies based on social interaction. Party two lies for a similar reason, although it can be viewed as something different, it's still a deception.
If the statement "for every problem, there is a solution" is true, it's just a matter of time to sift through the irrational solutions, and apply an actual working solution, even if someone holds your hand the entire time. That in itself is the solution to move forward, but not advance. But since moving forward can be difficult, it's a partially acceptable outcome.
When I was in grade seven, a boy bullied me a bit. I can't say I enjoyed it. One day while our entire class was in the boys changing room, he tripped and fell, everyone else looked at him, and I was the only one who gave him my hand to stand up, because it was the right thing to do. He never bullied me again. Can we call his behavior NT? What about my behavior? Being authentic and true to ones self. BATOS, can be the short form.
What about people who fail to develop a self, a higher self? Does BATOS apply to their situation? As the name may imply, two words , Bat OS (we can assume OS is operating system). It's not reliant on sight alone. That says a lot.
John 3:16
"For this is how God loved the world: He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who unmasks himself before Him will not perish but have eternal life.
3 years in "unmasking" after 34 years "masking", i still got no clue what i like and dislike, whom i find attractive or repulsive.. 🫣 the only thing i'm 100% sure of is that i'm trangender, autistic and i got ADHD 😂
I thought i was aromatic and asexual. Then a guy dropped into my life, and i'm sure that i definitely can feel those feeling 😂
I'm 37 acting like a 13 year old in many ways because i'm in my late second puberty.. not confusing it as being unable to make rational desicions, but needing to be childish when i can, and being confused about stuff i should know