The True Cost Of Autistic Masking (Damaging Effects Of Unconscious Masking)
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- Опубликовано: 2 ноя 2022
- What is the true cost of autistic masking? Is unmasking really necessary? For autistic people, masking can become a useful skill that lets us blend in and sometimes even do very well in society. However, this mask takes energy to create and eventually becomes a barrier that hides our authentic selves. So the question is, what is the ultimate price we pay? What is the true cost of masking?
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I'm Paul Micallef, and I discovered my own autism at age 30.
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Trying to unmask is like trying to get myself to pee my pants in public. Like yeah I can technically do it but it feels so wrong and everything in me is fighting it.
We need friends like Billy Madison to pee their pants in public with us for solidarity. 🤣
“You ain’t cool unless you pee your pants!!”
@@clicheguevara5282 If unmasking is cool, then consider me miles davis.
@@zigzag8392 LMFAOOO 🤣
You just pulled landscaping duty!
Try to care less what other think about you.
@@robertlecic9996 this advice is right there with telling depressed people to stop being sad, and obsessive-compulsives to stop thinking about it.
“She had blue skin, And so did he.
He kept it hid, And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by--
And never knew.”
― Shel Silverstein, Every Thing on It
Instant 😢 wonderful poem that really hits home for me
Shel always hit me hard as a kid. As an autistic adult, I definitely understand why.
sad loveliness
omg i love that.. once i'd managed to read it. I got sidetracked by the blue skin and it all went a bit Startekky. Then I wondered if they both had boxes that they kept a piece of blue skin in and things started to get a bit Hammerish. Its that time of night :) Lovely yet sad. I'm assuming that a sea journey was involved. I'll go now
Thank you for posting this.
“There is something wrong with me that I can’t let people see” this is how i have always lived my life
knowing is half the battle the battle should get easier now.
This sentence cut into my heart. So painfully true... 😢
I don't let people get close to me for fear they'll see the shameful, hidden me. My close friendships and my marriage were broken when I let the mask off. I never want to feel that rejection again.
@@zigzag8392 The word Shameful jumped out at me. I'm currently having EMDR for CPTSD and Shame is a word the features prominently. Only my shame has always been attributed to something else. Is autistic shame a thing ?
@@maf80I've found having cptsd and autism can be very confusing because trauma itself can cause shame, and also growing up feeling we have to hide our true autistic selves can also cause shame, so it all gets compounded. I'm trying to pick apart the pieces to make sense of things. I suspect the two things feed off each other 🙁
As a 40 yr old late diagnosed female professional, when I was assessed the psychologist said I was one of the highest masking autistics he'd ever assessed. It's contributed to severe anxiety, frequent burnout and a major dissociative disorder. I am now changing my whole career and life to not have to mask as much as it's so automatic I can't just 'drop it'.
I wish you the best of luck. I wish I could figure out how to change that. ugh.
What will your new career be?
its so good to hear your empowered now.
Suffering seems to work wonders. As unfortunate as that sounds.
I feel burned out. I'm 24 and wondering if I could possibly autistic. Would explain the friendlessness.
The very first thing I was told during my first psychologist appointment after receiving my autistic diagnosis at 38y.o. was "you have a personal responsibility to mask around other people so you don't make them feel uncomfortable". She followed this up with claiming to have the ability to read people via their body language (pseudoscience), "the problem with autistic people is" (strap yourselves in) they need to learn human behaviour like AI's learn maths (just plain ignorant ableism), ptsd triggers were because "autistic people lack theory of mind" (pseudoscience) & "cancel culture" (conspiracy theory). She got super angry when I challenged her on any of this misinformation & refuted it with claims to authority (she has professional training & I don't). It took 6+ months to build the courage to see that psychologist, and it's taken me over a year to recover from it.
Thanks Paul, for reminding me that autistic people are not broken things that need fixing. We are human beings who benefit from compassion & understanding. We thrive when we are enabled to be our authentic selves, just like everyone else
Blimey
I was finally diagnosed at 39 (after developing C-PTSD from years of unknowingly masking). All of the local therapists who “specialize” in autism immediately wanted to start me on ABA therapy. Ugh! What a joke.
But if I had been talked to like you were, I would have been absolutely ENRAGED. Just reading it second hand makes me incredibly angry. I’d rather be bullied and called re**rd by ignorant people than have to hear what that “expert” had to say.
BTW: You know why I didn’t get diagnosed until 39? It’s because the eXpErTs were too ignorant about autism to see it in me. I was diagnosed with BPD, bipolar, general anxiety disorder, clinical depression, and even sociopathy at one point. These diagnoses usually came on my first or second appointment and drugs were immediately offered. I had to _self diagnose_ my C-PTSD and this self diagnoses led to autism - which I hadn’t considered before (thanks to my ignorant doctors telling me that I can’t be autistic because I seem too normal.) Evidently they don’t understand the concept of masking or spectrum.
A lot of us on the Aspie end of the spectrum are FULLY capable of self diagnosis. We’re highly intelligent and can research a single topic obsessively for years before drawing a conclusion about it. I spent three years diagnosing myself and had already been studying psychology for 20 years.
A lot of the “experts” can go F themselves tbh. Psychology is an amazing field of study but psychiatry is in large part, a glorified drug dealing operation. It has done irreparable damage to my entire family.
I’ve gotten an official diagnosis for C-PTSD so I can get help, but I have no interest in an official autism diagnosis. I don’t need or even want their stamp of approval. ..and I certainly don’t want their ABA conversion therapy.
Sorry to hear about your experience, it must have been awfull... Good psychologist would actually congratulate on diagnosis and also points strengths of being autistic...Tony Attwood , leading autism scholar says "“I usually say to the child ‘Congratulations, you have Asperger’s syndrome’ and explain that this means he or she is not mad, bad or defective, but has a different way of thinking” - from The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome.
I'm appalled at the behavior of that "doctor". And I'm sending acceptance and support your way.
Is it any wonder we hesitate to seek a diagnosis
I am 47 I just realized I m autistic and my masking abilities are failing and meltdowning is in a cycle with exhaustion. I'm going to make it because of troops like u bro!
I didn't realize I masked until I was trying to figure out why all my relationships failed. I surveyed all my friends and family and they all said the same thing. They said that I always changed who I was to best suit the person I was with. That I wasn't being myself. And I had a thought like, "Well, who the hell is that?" When I looked inside myself, all I saw were masks. Just masks all the way down. And I was really afraid if I took them all off, there would be nothing underneath. I took them off by accident. By writing down stories from my life. Really honest stories. And through writing my stories, I came to understand who I was. And now I can't seem to fit the old masks on anymore. Not that I'd want to. And I'm finding I have to make big changes in my life because my life was designed to facilitate the mask. Not me. And now I'm really in a pickle.
You'll get there
'always changed who I was to best suit the person I was with' yep
Yes
Wow this is some interesting insight. Thanks for sharing. I’m only just realizing that I’m likely autistic and I didn’t realize how much I was masking until I began to do a lot of deep healing. The masks sort of got ripped off before I knew they were there and so I’ve been piecing things together to find out who I truly am. So the people you surveyed stopped spending time with you because you were conforming to be like them?
I found out I was autistic/adhd when I was 37. I'd been keeping up a mask on and off. A few things I found are that; 1) Masking is exhausting. It's like having a fragile origami swan in your hand and having to pay attention to not crush it. If I was working an 8 hour shift I would run out of energy by hour five or six. When I started dating it was full mask at first, but my long-term relationships slowly saw more and more mask-off, until those relationships crumbled. 2) People are bothered when the mask slips off. They don't like when I get hyper-excited about a specific topic. They don't like when I completely tune out things that don't interest me. It really does feel like the authentic, inner self, is somehow wrong or broken compared to other people. 3) My mask off oddities were more acceptable when I was younger. The older I get, the more people act hostile when I say what I really think or feel.
I self diagnosed five years ago aged 50. The mask has become a difficult outward image to remove now. I feel your pain when it comes to work. I work better on my own. I struggle on long shifts around others, especially as another person commented, "I don't mask very well". All that energy and people still see through it.
The best I can hope for is the filters prevent the normal people becoming repulsed and horrified. Working on my own helps with the ADHD as well. It takes a long time to see every aspect of a task, before tipping over into hyper-focus and completing the task quickly and exceptionally well. People are happy with the end result. It does appear initially to onlookers that I'm slow and inept. I cant do the small talk thing, no matter how hard I try. So working alone also helps there.
I've struggled to find partners and rarely can I truly be myself and therefore relaxed, as often as I would like around them, in order to maintain the relationship.
Having always been a maker, I find a bit of comfort in the company of other "creatives" many I of who I seek out are also divergent in one way or another, I can show a limited amount of my nerdiness to them.
You dont need to mask, just date another ''autistic'' person or say you are an aspie first date. Masking is a choice.
Zig Zag your comment totally resonates with me. Thank you for putting it out there!
Reading so many comments that are similar and relating, I wonder there are more people with autism than ppl with neuro normal or whatever it is called.
Then WHY ON THIS EARTH Neuro DIVERSITY is not encouraged in workplace or even at elementary schools
Why majority of ppl that fall in the specrrum have mask for a minoity of ppl that are social butterflies.
Paul, thank you so much for what you bring to everyone that needs, information; encouragement and TRUTH ! You take the hits, of those, whom , feel angry, for whatever we trigger in them…, but never forget how much your transparency, and the price you pay, means to us! Always be kind to yourself first!! You have a beautiful mind and a brave and loving core/ heart!
I find not being able to be my authentic self exhausting.
Me too
Spiritually and physically
I have ASD and work in sales. It’s driven me mad.
My real me was rejected constantly as a child, as a teenager, and as an adult. It had to be cut away from me "don't do that, why are you like that, can't you do anything right". Any time I struggled and talked about it I was given denial, reduction of my experiences, and in some cases complete rejection "there are people who have it worse" even when I gave them support, acceptance, and confirmation.
Learning I'm autistic and ADHD has just shown in sharp relief how much discrimination I've had against me, how much support I haven't had and how much I needed.
At primary school, my nickname was coco which the pupils rhymed with choco meaning chocolate because I had darker skin. Later in secondary school, they Rhymed my name Arif with riff-raff. I never finished school. I was taken out just as my exams were due to start. I tried again at another school but problems with family at home and making friends at school made me cocoon myself. Nobody understood me. They still don't.
One thing I started doing when I wanted to unmask was deliberately stim around my friends. I noticed that when I was home with my family I would sing to myself out loud all the time, but I never did that around my friends.
I pretty much started trying out new stims too. Got new stim toys, started consciously rocking back and forth, etc.
Since I had heard that stims are for emotional regulation, I figured that stimming around friends would make me feel more relaxed enough to unmask in different ways. Them not making me feel awkward for stimming was like a sort of acceptance that helped me trust them more.
Since unmasking I havent feared someone hating the “real me” in a long time.
Hear me out, because I think I just realised I have been unconciously nailing stimming in public: I usually do one of the two: I tap a drum beat with my fingers on my lap, or make a drum beat in my mouth - hitting tooth against tooth is kick drum, rubbing tooth against tooth is like a soft snare and by moving saliva around your mouth with your tongue you make a sharp snare. With that if I need to I can play elaborate drumrolls in front of everyone and nobody ever noticed. If I'm sitting I can tap my toe against the inside of my shoe on top of that and bob my head ever so slightly. xD
Everytime I watch your videos I feel so at home and accepted. Like everything I am thinking is not just in my head, but also exists in the real world and in other people. I am so very grateful to have found this channel, because it washes away my doubts and makes me stronger everytime.
I feel the same. It's awesome.
I never liked crowds, or loud noises, was always the loner at school who couldn't make real connections or hold conversations about things I don't like or find pointless. I can't understand the appeal of social gatherings and they stress me out immensely. I was never diagnosed, though, I'm still not at 26 yrs old.
But, due to my job in education, I learned to "fake" social skills and how to please people, look approachable, etc. Students and colleagues actually really like me, I'm one of the most popular teachers. But it is all so, so very draining. By the end of a workday I always feel completely exhausted and want to disappear into my room at home. Some of my colleagues have asked me in the past to hang out with them in my own free time, I try to find excuses not to go. Being social already feels like a massive chore, I don't need to do it in my free time, too.
I honestly wish I could find a romantic interest who is like me. I don't want to have to force myself to be something I'm not in my private life, too. I feel like it is even more difficult for women, because society doesn't generally expect us to be aloof or socially awkward. What is even my real personality? I feel like I never get to just let go and feel comfortable around other people.
I’m so naturally good at masking that I was 39 when I finally found out that I’m autistic. By that time, I had already developed full blown C-PTSD from decades of masking and feeling “broken”. Oddly, I had already actually stopped masking in my early 30s. I didn’t even know what masking was. I just knew that I couldn’t keep “faking it” for other people’s comfort.
Nowadays, I’ll only mask if it’s entirely appropriate - and it’s by choice, not out of desperation. I’m still trying to find balance though. Some days I’m so not up for masking that I’ll stay in my room just to avoid 30 seconds of small talk with my roommate. That’s more C-PTSD than autism though.
we made it thru this far soldgier
@@autisticexpressiongenx And we’re going to keep on marching, sarge!
*salutes
What's hating small talk got to do with CPTSD
@@Black.Sabbath It’s not about “hating” small talk. It’s about C-PTSD causing your amygdalae to keep your brain in a constant state of fight or fight mode.
Let’s say a big angry stray dog comes running straight for you in an alleyway. ..and then your friend walks up behind you and says “Yo! Have you seen the new Netflix show? It’s hilarious!” ..and you can’t mention the dog because only you can see it. ..but it’s real as far as your body is concerned.
That’s what it feels like. It’s a full blown adrenaline dump, but you have to act normal.
Here’s the other part: Fight or flight mode is such an intense mental state that your mind can only handle it for so long. Eventually “dissociation” kicks in and your brain goes into a dream like, out of body type experience. Small talk is very difficult in that state too. It’s like being WAY too high on pot and having to talk to strangers.
@@clicheguevara5282 I don't think I've ever heard it described so clearly and eloquently as you did here. Very beautifully put.
I think masking is generally more of an issue for the later discovered autistics, like myself. Not knowing for most of your life that you were ASD "encouraged" us to develop strategies to fit into a NT world when we felt that we couldn't otherwise. These start instinctively, but - I believe - we become more aware and strategic about their employment as we get older.
i got diagnosed with aspergers in my 40s.. because i didnt know i was autistic and was bullied a lot, i learned to try to hide some of my weirdness, or do it when im alone... and not liking eye contact i learned to look past people, behind them, thru them or at a near point on their face thats not their eye so they think im looking them in the eye etc.. its funny how, by learning to try to talk to people (even though its exhausting) and act like im ok and having a good time etc, and not show my emotions too much when upset by people being mean, so that the bullies cant feel theyve won etc, i now find myself having people using those "masks" as an excuse to not give me benefits or say im perfectly fine or even accuse me of faking being autistic etc.. i feel almost like i have to act in the complete opposite way now all the time in case people dont think im autistic enough... job centre sends me to some course to do interview techniques... they constantly tell me over & over again, make lots of eye contact.. then when i do (looking near the eye etc) they then say.. oh look you made plenty of eye contact, you had no trouble with that at all... maybe we should give you less benefits? i told them after.. even if i wanted to make plenty of eye contact (which I dont) doesnt mean i cant sometimes do it and also.. my eyesight is bad now im middle aged, so its not the same anyway.. im really just looking at a blurry face. i thought i might get treated better after diagnosis, more people being understanding.. nothing much changed... only now i dont try to hide some of the ways i used to want to act... people who used to moan at me for tapping my feet or fingers or something i now just ignore... i mean... in a cafe some woman was tutting at me for tapping my foot cos i was anxious due to her kid screaming loudly... and her not sorting the problem out.. who's the actual annoying person? id say her...
@@tigrecito48 yeap take it easy i know it aint.
not if you were born in the 60s/70s then you learned very young to mark,,
Exactly!
I've experienced panic attacks, episodes of depression, and social isolation in my life. When I discovered I had autism, everything started to make sense. I realized that the intense effort I had put into masking had made life incredibly challenging. Now that I have my diagnosis, I've begun the process of unmasking, starting with my home, and I'm trying to establish boundaries with my family. I've found that I am much happier now, and my life is gradually starting to make sense. Thank you for your video; it has been truly helpful.
So I’m not the only one having panic attacks!
Holy cow!!! This is me, I am undiagnosed but I am diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression with Panic Attacks....Starting to realize at 42 years old Ive been masking my entire life! Thank you for sharing your experience, this is helping me start this journey.
Masking used to make me immediate friends, for maybe a month. That friendship turned to bullying a few months later. It's impossible to keep up expectations when you set the bar high. I think anyone who has had to get by living without supports will get it. Thank you for sharing your experiences, although different, they line up.
When you are late diagnosed it brings so many different problems 😢 I was unconsciously forced to mask by people around me because I was scolded or looked at funny when I was a certain way so I made EVERYTHING to be an amazing selfless person and worked so hard to make people around me very confortable! I am 27 years old diagnosed 8 months ago and I am severly burnt out today! I can’t even go to the grocery store without being confused, overstimulated and emotional… It’s awful I am literally disabled… Trying to study and then work like neurotypicals because I was expected to… If we new I was autistic my family would’ve been less demanding on myself I wouldn’t have been forced to do things at school and college. It would’ve been okay for me to work 15 hours a weeks instead of 30… I would be totally okay today…. Undiagnosed autism is really something 😢
Omg i'm also 27 and have had the exact same problems!! Severe helper complex which just led me to being more depressed. Anxiety, pressure in school and now my work life is seriously affected because i am just too burnt out. I'm so glad i have a supporting family and partner but my god, if i had known earlier it would've answered so many questions and maybe even stopped so many problems from arising in the first place! To think how much better it would be just makes it harder, and the masking wouldn't have become so impossible to shake off.:( But you're not alone in this and i hope you're on your way to finding ways to cope and enjoy life and be happy
@@LoonyLoonster I was lucky because 2 year prior I asked my doctor to be on a list for a psychologist and I discovered my autism by myself almost at the same time so I had the chance to get diagnosed very fast and now I stay at home I don’t work and I feel great just staying at home honestly 🥹 I live in Canada so my SO can get income tax credit every month!! We are filling the papers right now and I am so grateful 🥹❤️
@VeroniqueKowalewicz I'm still in the official diagnosis process but discovering it yourself is already the first step, I'm so glad you had a professional who could help you! 🥺 Staying home really can help so much, currently looking in changing career paths too so it's possible to work from home. There's so many things to discover about oneself it's quite the task, but I'm happy for us we both got someone to help us through! I wish u all the best ❤️
@@LoonyLoonster thank you so much 🥰 I also wish you the best!!
I was diagnosed in early 2020 and before that I did not understand what masking is or that I'm doing it. But I was very well aware that something was draining my energy every day. Now that I discovered that I am autistic, I found out that I mask very intensely. But unfortunately my masking isn't really convincing in the NT world. So basicly I put much energy in masking just to mask ineffectively. Not a good combination 😅
I think, masking and unmasking are very important topics, we can not talk enough about in our videos 😊
I can relate to your situation, I think I am similar. I can mask pretty well for short periods (grocery shopping, appointments, etc.) but when it comes to work I expend a lot of energy to mask just barely enough to get by. Usually the first year or so at a new job it's pretty good, then as the mask starts to slip I start running into communication issues, social expectattion issues, etc. I've only recently put all this together and its very helpful to hear about the experiences of other.
@@willow_wise Exactly. For short periods of time it is manageable for me. Maybe even a year in a new job, but then it gets more difficult very fast.
@@InsideAut It's the same for me as well. How did you get your diagnosis? I'm currently self diagnosed, because I don't have the time and energie right now to go through the diagnosing process, but I'm trying to get an appointment next year, as I don't think I'm going to manage an 8 hour work day with lots of collegues and I definetly need an answer for myself. I'm living in Germany btw. but I'm currently in Spain, because of work and it is so much easier here :) People are much more relaxed and I only work 5 hours a day. Those 5 hours are extremely exhausting, because it is intense work, but it's also really focused and uninterrupted, so extremely productive.
Same here! I've been masking my whole life as well. Unfortunately, now at age 42 I'm starting to see the effects of decades of masking and how exhausting it really is. I also many high pressure sales jobs where you literally have to leave if you don't maintain a certain sales per hour goal so I have to mask constantly still. I have to be super talkative and it's very draining.
@Soana Laichnam I'm from Germany, too ☺ 5 hours of work is less than most people work, but I think it is still exhausting. Great, that you can keep up with it and stay productive.
An official diagnosis would be good, I think. Even if you want to do it next year I recommend getting in contact with the right people now. Because waiting time can be quite long. A year is not uncommon in Germany. It could be even longer than that. You could contact some "Autismusambulanzen" in big german cities even from Spain.
By the way, Spain is beautiful 😍
It took moving, by myself, to a completely new state where I knew no one to drop my mask. That wasn't my intention. I moved for other reasons. But I don't think dropping the mask would have been possible for me without something that extreme.
Thank you for clearing up for me what masking is. At an early age I took the saying 'just be yourself' literally. I don't think I've ever masked. Filters, yes, but the masking you describe, no.
So how did that pan out?
I hid. Literally at school I'd stay in the library at breaks or lunch time or round the back of the sports hall or anywhere where there weren't others or I couldn't be seen because I knew who I was wasn't acceptable & the RS would be too much. I learned to be (for the most part) invisible. By & large it worked. The cost - isolation. Lots of it.
Better than masking - I've no idea. My ADHD brother (who did mask) seems to think I made a good choice. If that's the case I'm glad because I'd hate to experience the bad option.
Any other 'invisibles' out there?
you know this is true now. we will overcome the bumps in the road i believe
I can relate to hiding.... that's what I did too. It continued into two marriages where I became invisible. My spouses were fine with that since that made them the centres of the universe. But I couldn't sustain invisibility forever and became very angry instead, because nobody came forward to make me feel visible!!! Grrrrrr. 🙃
I can relate. I've done both. Much love to you & your brother. 🫶
I seem to do a combination of hiding and masking. I hide when I can and then pull out the mask when hiding isn't a good option. This basically means all my energy goes to masking at work (so I can pay bills and survive) and then I hide out the rest of the time to recharge so I can mask again the next day. Fun times.
Ah yes, I know toilets and libraries very well 😊
My psychiatrist referred me to a neuropsychiatrist in his practice. After some seriously brutal testing, I was diagnosed with mild depression, moderate panic disorder, autism spectrum disorder, and sensory processing disorder. I should add, I’m 60 years old. My psychiatrist immediately blew off the tests, saying that since I could talk to him and look him in the eyes, I’m obviously not autistic. Yes, I mask big time. Honestly, at this point I’m not sure how to stop anymore.
His explanation is beyond superficial… unfortunately most of the doctors doesn’t know how to deal with people in the spectrum
Masking is SURVIVAL !!
How is this looking into eyes thing? Apparently one has to look people in the eyes when talking. I look on their mouth which seems to be odd. I have to consciously look at the eyes.
ADHD-er here, but I also unconsciously masked most of my life until getting diagnosed in my 30s. I found it really helpful to realize that unmasking isn't about whether or not another person finds me "worthy"; it's about figuring out if pursuing this relationship will be worth the time and emotional energy for both people involved. If a person isn't going to accept me as myself, I'd much rather find that out early so I can move on and find other people that are more compatible. It's taken a while, but the friends I have now were worth the wait.
i can never tell if im masking or being myself until later on when im relaxing on my own and i think back and go "man i put so much energy into that".
i kinda "fake it till i make it" with my social confidence and so when i am a bit weird, people take it like im just confident rather than having no idea what im doing socially.
it seems to work for me, but im highly introverted, so it takes so much energy to be that way.
As a middle aged not-formally-diagnosed Aspie, there is one mask I know I wear and there is an unknown mask.
The known mask is that I am a very opinionated person about pretty much everything. This lead to lots of criticism for being judgmental. So I learned to seriously dial back expressing my opinions to others at all.
The unknown mask is that because I've spent my life until very recently unaware of my ASD+iADHD I've surely unconsciously masked most or all of my life in ways I have yet to figure out. I'm sure I have anxiety as a side effect, perhaps specifically due to masking. One possibility is that at a young age I may have started suppressing my emotions as a defensive mechanism.
Before I ever heard of masking, I had contemplated the existential question of how much of who I am is defined by who and what I am not. Much of my life I've felt like I am "None of the above."
I’ve spent 51 years masking until I got my diagnosis in June and I genuinely have no frigging idea who I am.
Thank you for making this video. While everything you said was great, there were some major moments of clarity there that I think helped me and will help me explain stuff to the people I care about.
Exactly. It’s a fricking hard puzzle to break down.😊
same
Thanks Paul. I have experienced the damaging effects of masking full time. I’m now on long term disability. I even realized I mask at home too. Now I rock and sing and make sound effects all I like at home and it feels great. I have been off for almost a year and I can’t put my full mask back on now, it’s like I wore it out.
When I started my new job, my employers were so quick to tell me that I would NEVER be required to mask in the workplace. It immediately made me feel worried and misunderstood. It was obvious they had no idea what masking was, except that it was "bad." I tried to explain that my masking was necessary if I wanted to be understood. The faces and tone of voice are ubiquitous and needed if I dont want people to treat me like I am rude, sarcastic, or rebellious for simply being calm and direct. Masking is such an important skill for being understood by society as a whole, and yet society takes for granted how endless it becomes for us. Instead of rushing to offer meaningless gestures, I wish my managers had stopped to ask what masking was. Or whether I was struggling with anything in particular. Instead, they got to pat themselves on the back and I remain lacking any realistic support or understanding.
Masking is like wearing a pair of high heels: sometimes it’s necessary in order to command respect in a professional setting, sometimes I may choose to wear them to make myself more ‘appealing’ socially. I can can walk quite well in them, though it’s never really comfortable. I can even run short distances, if I must. However, as soon as I walk into my front door, the first thing I do is kick them off and breathe a big sigh of relief! And I may need a bit of time before I can put them on again. Same with masking: I can do it well, to a point, and it’s useful, but never quite comfortable.
I was just diagnosed a year ago at age 45, and I'm still struggling to figure out if any parts of my mask are me or not. It has been a very grueling process that involves re-examining every moment of my life, and I've not been able to convey to my family what I'm going through. Your description was SPOT ON!!! Thank you for putting into words what I could not express on my own. I'm DEFINITELY sharing this one!!!
The only thing I'd add is to be very, very careful about unmasking to long standing so called friends. Because the reality is that some just can't handle it. I explained to a couple I've known for years about my Aspergers and particularly my experience of Alien Planet Syndrome and how my daily reality is akin to watching animals in a zoo. Didn''t go down too well - they just can't comprehend it. Good job I didn't tell them how I fake friendship cos I actually don't feel anything...!
Oh, my building friendship thing is like a whole project. Planning things out, taking years to make it work. I have very few friends because I invest so much time into having them in the first place. I will never tell "hey you are my friend because I planned 5 years long how to be friends". That will obviously result in a failed friendship. But my current friends are quite OK. Some even know about my diagnosis. One even said "yes of course you are autistic!" So I probably drop the mask a bit when with close friends.
Thank you! After a lifetime of being an unsolvable riddle to myself, I've finally discovered that I'm (almost certainly) autistic. I'm finding your videos immensely helpful.
I had this conversation with my therapist. I thought it was important for me to find out who I am, and why it is important. It's an ongoing process, but also difficult. Good luck to us all :)
Masking is related to repression. Repressed tendencies can sometimes come out in very inappropriate ways.
Thank you once again. Mid 50’s just got diagnosed. Trying to find a way, in which I can sustain life while figuring out me and not slip back into the masked person that burned me out.
Loved hearing that. My ex had a major meltdown, or burnout, we were married 33 years, he told me so much that was so unkind and simply not true. In my marriage I felt continually confused and bewildered by his attitude, responses. He talks of his masks, having no identity, not authentic, feeling empty inside, very black and white thinking. He told me in his meltdown that he had seen 30 girls he fancied intimate relationship with, and that perhaps my time was up. I finally left, I felt so hurt, of course he had no idea. He is 63 and me 60. I loved him very much, he refuses any contact, says I am delusional. I very much need some from someone who really understands autism, he has not been diagnosed, we have three boys, and I feel it is important to address this. Mainly as I think he will be so happy to find himself.
I'm 59 and I was diagnosed with Autism 3 years ago, i diagnosed myself for 7 years before getting tested. I have tinitus, raynauds syndrome, sad seasonal disorder, I am also gender fluid and have Complex trauma from being instutionalised from the age of 5, i am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I have been masking my whole life, which has made me burntout and exhausted. I also struggle with daily skils like cooking, basic housework, gardening, shopping and everyday general things which requires workers all the time. Im in a complex place and i can't do this anymore. People punished me for having Austism before I was diagnosed so I learnt to mask. Watching people on RUclips that have the same experience as me helps me to understand that I am not alone. I've been trying to unmask for the last 5 years, I'm finding it hard as I'm being vulnerable and I'm worried that people think I'm being rude and abrupt. I prefer pets and nature over people as people in the past have punished me for just being me and pets don't judged. I am currently getting funding for ongoing high level support to assist with my autism, learning difficulties and trauma. I would like to get tested for ADHD, OCD and ADA. If anyone has any tips on how to unmask with my workers please let me know.
What is my autism superpower?
A. Being autistic
I was born autistic, I am living autistic and I will die being autistic.
The world is not made for autistic people that's why we have to mask.
Self care ya'll
I'm so sorry for the traumas you have unfairly suffered, none of this is your fault. I can hear you are a kind, caring and strong person. Be proud of who you are and make sure you take the time to recharge your battery. Full respect to you and thank you for so bravely sharing your story with us all 😊
This is me! I don’t have a diagnosis yet (I’m currently struggling with the red tape of that process). I’ve been masking for decades and don’t know any difference. I feel the need to mask in order for me to cope and preserve myself in public around co workers and acquaintances. Only my immediate family and very close friends see the real me. If I don’t mask, I’m extremely vulnerable in public.
“Fake it till you make it” can be useful but it’s exhausting if it’s done all the time. I don’t think masking is the same thing as behaving within a society’s social norms but some of the masking may overlap with certain norms, so it’s good to understand what is and isn’t . It’ s also important to learn behaviors that keep you safe because this world can be rough.
When I am myself people say, -you should smile more. The point is, society won' t let you NOT masking.
I kept hearing that sentence all my life.
One of the tiny steps in unmasking I allowed myself to make is: fewer fake smiles! Just because me not smiling apparently makes people uncomfortable. At some point I realized: that's a you problem, not a me problem.
Hi. Go to Russia, we dont smile as much, national distrust for fake smiles. Can't imagine the world of fake smiles! (that's a joke partly)
Wish you all the best. Stay you.
@@anniestumpy9918 I am a 6'4 feet tall guy and people always tell me to smile more. It's very annoying. Don't get me wrong I love a good laugh, I watch some comedy guys like Peter Sellers and I laugh my house down, but that doesn't mean I have to keep wearing a fake smile on my face all day long. I think it has to do with people feeling a big guy is not a threat. This making ppl feel comfy is a pain, more so because many ppl in our lives are fake co-workers or fake friends who just want to use us for their ends, so why please them by being nice?
@@denisbax5961 THX, I never saw my german dad smile in 42 years (my mom very few times, german woman too), I think it's a German thing . Too bad I'm German-Brazilian and live in southeast asia the land of smiles.
@@anniestumpy9918 Well said Annie, we do NOT have to cater to other people's emotional states.
I went to my weekly appointment with my therapist today, because I'm trying to get a diagnosis. He told me even though I scored very, very high on my test, I couldn't be autistic because I have a job and I get by seemingly okay (I'm not btw). Well, what if I'm really good at faking it, I said. "No, that's simply not possible." I am furious.
Get a second opinion
@@JR-playlists I did, thankfully. I'm currently doing my diagnosis with a specialist. Fingers crossed🤞🏻
His explanation is beyond superficial 😔
Its because the paradigm is not built to acknowledge those that are outside its view
new therapist
That rubik's cube was a great tool and metaphor.
I'm 65 years old and am about one week into this realization. I have taken a couple of online tests, including the "AQ" one you featured, where my score was 35/50. The other test, likewise, placed me as "Level 1 High Functioning." The congruence of, 1) affirmation from the tests (even if they don't qualify as "professional diagnosis"), 2) simply everything you're saying in your videos slamming straight into my consciousness as absolutely real, absolutely "me," 3) my own inward reflections stimulated by all this, uncovering fathomless depths of memories, of interactions, confusions, disorientations, perplexities and, in general, the "visitor from a different planet" feeling, that suddenly all make sense, and, 4) my experience ALREADY, even within my first week, of unmasking--well, it all combines to a certainty I find utterly impossible to deny, even if I wanted to. But it makes just too much sense of my life for me to want to. The last point dovetails with this video. When I say I'm unmasking, it doesn't mean I'm presenting behaviors that are starkly and confusingly going to strike people in my circles as bizzarely new, arbitrary and even play-acting sorts of idiosyncracies. It's more subtle than that. There is a myriad of reactions, feelings, subtle physical coping methods, that have always been normal for me, but I've been painfully aware they were somehow inappropriate, rude, childish or just weak-willed. So I'd repress them and end up paying the price by a sense of being hollowed-out inside, like a totally withered vine ready to be blown away by a hot desert wind. What I have immediately begun doing is to stop all the inner recriminations, to stop all the censoring that begins on the inside, on the affective level even before, or even if, there is any externally observable symptom. Just doing that within, accepting that these instincts aren't bad but actually what I need, has allowed me, in a deep way that belies the casualness of the word, to RELAX. For instance, standing in a room, in a circle, with 5-10 other men at church prior to the start of services, discussing what will go on during the service, as we all stand there rather statically and soberly, paying due respectful attention to each other, as one then another of the men starts "sharing" in a sometimes rambling, not entirely coherent way, perhaps going off on a tangent, perhaps getting interrupted by some joking, and I'm standing there doing my best to appear as focused and "mature" and serious and in-the-flow with exactly what everybody's saying and the whole tenor of the moment....this has always been a spot in which I am simply dying inside, torn between a screaming impulse either to just fall down in a stupor-like state or to MOVE, to DO something, for stimulation to center on and be immediately present to. This is a spot in which I've tried some unmasking, allowing myself to differ from the others in my demeanor, to move around a bit, to not necessarily zero in so intensely and fixedly on every word and expression coming from each of the men, but to allow myself a "field" where my senses can roam while these men are a bit on the periphery (though I remain fully aware what they taking about, at least the essential gist). This might mean some staring out the window, or calm "pacing" (more like strolling) in the room while the discussion is going on, or focusing on things like flowers in the room or beautiful decorations or children's art on the walls, anything that pulls my eyes in and gives me a aesthetic/affective charge. I have found this subtle degree of unmasking, even when none of them know I'm doing it, to be simply incredibly liberating. I'm not suffering those self-inflicted inner recriminations anymore.It's like I can breathe again since...I don't know when.
In the process of getting diagnosed in my 40s. Obviously have done research, such as this video. But I'm finding out my marks are starting to drop. Last week at a therapist we were talking about a stressful thing and I suddenly realised I was rocking back and forth in the chair. It hit me then that was something I used to do as a child when in a stressful situation. And also rubbing both knees as I do it. I didn't consciously do it, maybe I have done so as an adult, but this really stood out.
And there's other things as well that have come back to me like how I hate being in a pokies room (slot machines) with all the music and lights. And having meltdowns, just wanting to curl up and be alone and lashing out if at people, even though I knew they were concerned.
On new medication and it has made me so clear compared to the previous. Finally I feel like I belong to a community!
I was also late diagnosed. My mask developed over several years, of being made fun of, harassed and bullied. I thought of it as telling lies but it helped me hide my true self. I’m now beginning to accept myself and slowly remove the mask. I think society is now more accepting of us as well. So earlier this year I disclosed my autism to the management at work and it’s probably the best thing I’ve ever done. They have made adjustments to help me, and one of them said it explains a lot. So actually they must have suspected. Maybe my masking hasn’t been as good as I thought. My friend used the same analogy as you did, he’s gay and he said it was similar to him “coming out” knowing who you can trust to tell and when.
I discovered I was on the spectrum in my 30s, by reading on Autism I don't remember why exactly. Learning about Masking totally changed my life. It took a couple years but I finally know who I really am and that it's ok to be myself and not try to be someone else. I still mask to some extent but it's different versions of myself and not trying to be what my mind perceive as a "normal" person anymore.
Until recently, I would have insisted I rarely mask anymore. I started realizing just a couple of days ago that so much of my life, even with immediate family, is spent masking. They have a hard enough time accepting me as I am now with the small amount of unmasking I have done. I can't risk unmasking completely. I don't even know who I would be if I unmasked much more.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to unmask. It has been difficult to parse through what is real and what is a mask, so I’ve kinda given up on that and am taking a different approach instead. I am trying to unmask by repeatedly making a choice to be vulnerable. The big one: I’m asking questions when I’m confused. I know when I ask my friends what the appeal of going out to bars is, I out myself as socially different. However, despite the anxiety this causes, I’ve found value in letting my guard down in this way, and it can even strengthen the social bond with the people I ask
Same. Realizing I could just ASK was a big step for me. As much as I'd like to believe I can suss it all out...admitting that I can't has been a huge relief.
Yes reading your response, I realise that this is how I have started the process of unmasking after over 60 years of bring unaware that I was autistic.
I tell others what is too much for me. For instance socialising for more than 2 hours, asking for patience or help with things I find difficult and displaying my stress when in the past I held it in and it would feel like my head would explode.
@@francesbaker7233 I'm 52 and only recently figured it out during the pandemic.
I'd have to ask friends what the appeal of playing competitive sports is. I really never got it.
I just came out of curiosity, and I think this is pretty solid advice even for people without autism. I think a lot of people are doing something like masking, although I can imagine it feeling even more necessary for someone with autism. Society isn’t as open minded and accepting as it pretends to be, but with more people sharing these things, hopefully it can move more towards a world where no one is encouraged to mask to their own detriment.
At my age i don't know any other way to be. I am 100% me with my husband, i have a friend i can be that way with. The rest of the world is different, and it's gotten so tiring that I just don't mingle anymore outside of my home. Even my children to a point laugh at me when I struggle so I just don't spend time there. This is new and I'm still trying to figure out if this is why I'm so weird. My husband says yes I fit with the autistic spectrum and I trust him. I was taught to hate those things about me at a very young age and not sure I have enough time left to reverse the damage. Just trying to understand myself though and being able to finally put a name to my struggles is a real help. Thank you for these videos and helping me to see why I've struggled all my life. Blessings
I missed the streaming of this video because I was out at the time, masking in front of my Dad.. He doesn't know about the autism, has no real clue what is going on in my life, and in short, it's too much for him to understand. I would rather let that one go, but over the past year have realised that all the friends I stuck with from school and university (who are few and far between) are all on the spectrum, some have been diagnosed, others don't want to be labelled. Other new tribes are introverts, nature lovers, and I feel free to be me. So the lack of acceptance from my family for a variety of reasons, are no different than those without ASD. I am 52 and only figured this out a year ago myself.
Thank you for the distinction as to what masking is, and what it's not, as most people feel the need to mask appropriately in some way which is easy to forget.
The mask is important. We are dwelling in a neuro-normal world. We are the small percentage that have defective interfaces between our brains and our bodies. I never mention that I’m autistic unless things get awkward or I’m having issues understanding someone. Having a mask leads to more frequent episodes of autistic burnout. Just an hour of interacting with coworkers before heading out to the field, caused me distress. But I’m 47 and I’ve learned to “stim” in many ways. That’s what gets me through. I don’t feel the world needs to change for us, we need to learn to integrate with them. And it’s possible.
i got diagnosed with aspergers in my 40s.. because i didnt know i was autistic and was bullied a lot, i learned to try to hide some of my weirdness, or do it when im alone... and not liking eye contact i learned to look past people, behind them, thru them or at a near point on their face thats not their eye so they think im looking them in the eye etc.. its funny how, by learning to try to talk to people (even though its exhausting) and act like im ok and having a good time etc, and not show my emotions too much when upset by people being mean, so that the bullies cant feel theyve won etc, i now find myself having people using those "masks" as an excuse to not give me benefits or say im perfectly fine or even accuse me of faking being autistic etc.. i feel almost like i have to act in the complete opposite way now all the time in case people dont think im autistic enough... job centre sends me to some course to do interview techniques... they constantly tell me over & over again, make lots of eye contact.. then when i do (looking near the eye etc) they then say.. oh look you made plenty of eye contact, you had no trouble with that at all... maybe we should give you less benefits? i told them after.. even if i wanted to make plenty of eye contact (which I dont) doesnt mean i cant sometimes do it and also.. my eyesight is bad now im middle aged, so its not the same anyway.. im really just looking at a blurry face. i thought i might get treated better after diagnosis, more people being understanding.. nothing much changed... only now i dont try to hide some of the ways i used to want to act... people who used to moan at me for tapping my feet or fingers or something i now just ignore... i mean... in a cafe some woman was tutting at me for tapping my foot cos i was anxious due to her kid screaming loudly... and her not sorting the problem out.. who's the actual annoying person? id say her...
''Talk to people'' for what. Just to spew some small talk about the weather, trivia and other crap? Nah.. I'll pass.
@@unassailable6138 yeah i hate small talk... often i dont even know hwat response they want from me... and i usually just ignore people in the street just to avoid awkward conversations.. its easier just to pretend you didnt notice them...
word
I had been masking since the age of about 10. I emulated my role model's mannerisms and dancing. However, the mask fell off at the age of 38 particularly when my role model passed away and this affected my values and beliefs. At the age of about 12, I told myself that my goal was to be as good as my idol so that I can be successful and people would like me as much as they like my idol. I did gain respect and recognition in school and later in life but it was never perfect amongst other individuals from that social group or any other social group that I tried to interact with. I actually felt relieved and free that I no longer had to undergo the hard work of trying to keep up the mask. I became spiritual.
Thanks for this video! I myself don’t have autism, but I’ve had friends and a significant other who have it, and I’ve always been curious as to their experiences in the world vs mine.
This is the first video I’ve found that had the concept of masking “dumbed down” enough for me to actually understand it. Super insightful. 🙏
You put in words perfectly things that I feel and think. I even asked myself some time before I found your channel “who am I? Am I still myself?” I felt hollow from inside like I almost forgot my true self. The true self that I hated and actually tried to kill and replace with the mask that serves everyone around, but somehow I couldn’t really accept it as my new self. People don’t see how many times I pretended someone else or mirrored someone else’s personality in order to fit in. That was exhausting and damaging. You help me accept myself and be more aware of who I am
I appreciate the distinction you make between filters and masking. This is much like the therapy model Internal Family Systems. A step that is important in IFS is to acknowledge the good intention of the mask (or "protector" in IFS language) and the when the mask is willing spend some time giving witness and compassion to both the mask and the "unacceptable part" that the mask is hiding. That will bring healing to the "exile" (IFS language) and then, the mask can transform into a more helpful role that is more like the filter you mentioned - a part that is protective in a flexible, authentic, way, not rigid or self-abandoning.
Your Videos are perfect you speaking good, im autistic Person
i have for 3 Weeks a shutdown
Masking is very hard when my Power is empty 🙏
Thank you for this video! I’ve just recently become aware I am autistic. Just recently turned 41, and my mask has been breaking. It hurts so much knowing I’ve been so different this whole time and masking so much just to fit in. Like it feels like most of my life has been a lie. I recently went through old photos of me growing up, and I could see myself getting more rigid as years went on. I kept tucking away parts of myself that people (mostly my mom) thought was weird or “not normal”. It carried into my jobs in retail, and even in the military.
I’m happy that this mask is going away, but at the same time I’m scared. Scared that friends I’ve made over the years won’t accept this “new” me that’s not neurotypical. No one but my husband has seen me unmasked, and sometimes there used to be parts that I didn’t show him. Now he’s seeing everything, and as life starts to do this hard reset, he’s still here and supporting me. I’m hoping as I interact more that I won’t feel like I have to put that heavy mask on again. I need to learn who I’ve been supposed to be this whole time and not the “retail employee” version of me (that’s how I describe my mask, cause it was always about making the other person ok with me).
I’m so glad for videos like these to know I’m not the only one going through this, and it makes sense of this tangled, knotted mess from undoing a 40yr crochet project that has been my life up to this point.
I agree that we all need to hold back to some degree - people don't want us to be so totally open. Can it be that the struggle comes from a person being upset at the difference between their real self and their public self. Knowing the public like their false self, not their real self.
Neurotypical people don't reveal their whole personality - there is always a choice as to what to show of self in order to be acceptable AND to not impose how we feel onto others.
I think the problem comes not from holding back a part of ourselves but from 'deliberately acting out' a feeling we do not feel as this is false.
But it is okay to behave as though you are okay by saying a pleasant good morning or hello.
I have autism. Learning to fit in is part of who I am. Everyone wants to grow and be liked. If I sat in the corner and flapped my hands at a party, I wouldn't be invited again. My authentic self wants to change. I think that's true of anyone capable of introspection.
When I truly engage someone in conversation, and enjoy their company, I suppress the urge to steer the conversation to my special interests. I listen and empathize and ask about them. I find it refreshing to let go of my ego. Is that masking? Or is it just trying to be my best self?
I am so bad at social situations I will legitimately just shut down. In situations where I can't leave it is very awkward. But I also have no ability to fake it.
I had a similar experience all my life. Many times in social outings I just sat there, completely overwhelmed, and got very silent pretty quickly. And then people would think I was arrogant.
I'm trying to be a bit more authentic to myself and others now in situations like that: when in any way possible, I will leave early (totally avoided that earlier because I wanted to be polite).
There's a difference between masking and self-improvement, and as a high functioning aspy, I chose the latter. The brain is a very flexible organ, we can 'unlearn' and re-educate ourselves. I still have certain behaviors and thought processes I struggle with, and it wasn't easy to readjust, but I'm much more comfortable with myself and others. Just a thought, take it or leave it. It's not for everyone, but it works for me. Thanks for the videos and I wish you success!
When I sought my diagnosis, the literal question I posed in that email was "Where is the line between my self and my depression?"
Because I had been aware of masking for decades, that was what led to my first major episode of depression. Even now I still struggle with taking off the mask completely, including around family. Not that it's entirely easy to do unmask. I've finally come to accept all of my self over these years of the pandemic, but that only added to the question of what I could show to my family. I have online friends and found family I can be open with, but they were also there when I had these realizations. Yet all the other problems remain.
I loved this video Paul, I think you captured well the complexity of our identity and how we share it socially. (I actually really appreciate in your videos that there are moments you don't look at the camera but look away to gather your thoughts as it's how I am too and so it feels familiar and comfortable.)
So many of my memories of masking are painful, the horrible feeling of enthusiastic acceptance when I wasn't being true to myself, particularly when it was from my closest loved ones. But I am more and more authentic now and any connection and acceptance that comes with that is so meaningful and fulfilling.
When I had my autistic realisation it opened me up to my entire authentic identity with three main strands - neurotype, cultural identity, and gender and romantic identity. I've taken each at a different pace but all three are interlinked for me. It's a lot to have up in the air all at once, to feel as if I'm turning myself inside out, or more accurately coming out of a cage and stretching long-constrained limbs. It is hard, and it is vulnerable, but it also becomes incredibly rewarding and healing too. I'm so thankful for community to support and validate each other as we come home to ourselves.
While I always knew I have autism, or aspergers if you wanna go by my official diagonis, I feel like I'm really starting to unmask now. Like I wasn't aware I was masking, I sometimes don't even know WHEN I'm masking. But I feel more comfortable expressing myself more. Talking about my needs, and honestly, I hope I'll get a noise cancelling earplug soon cuz there's being a construction work right next to my house, and that thing is a factory of over-stimulation to me.
I think today, kinda by necessity, was the day I REALLY unmasked. By.... stimming... (Or at least I think moving your fingers like crazy in a repetitive motion counts as stimming) Now you see, this is not the first... time my mom saw me doing stuff like this, and usually, much like today, she seems to think I have something on my hand, or anxiety or whatever. But this time I felt more comfortable explaining to her, even if I wasn't as good at explaining as I'd hope. And yeah I had to stim, cuz the noise of construction workers, plus dog's high pitched bark noises going on all the time because of those construction workers, cars outisde, and other enviroment noises... let's just say these next few days are going to be a bit hard for me lol.
I remember the last time I was really over-stimulated like this, like... I was on kinda like a class, not school, something different, I don't quite remember. And just the noise of people... talking... was overwhelming me... Eventually I couldn't handle anymore and just let out a scream. And was scolded by the teacher and probably scared everyone... and I felt quite bad... specially cuz I didn't knew how to explain why I did this in a way that didn't sound like I was just trying to grab people's atention.
That's my life to you guys...
Thank you for this so much. I joined the fb group and what you said happened yesterday Paul. The odd things in common youd never expect. Can not unsee said thing now. You said it would happen and it was exactly like this. I am still amused as even my acceptable unmasked ish reply was well received. No wonder your content is linked from the national service in Australia. This one was very helpful in particular. I have to remember this one. Your a wonderfully articulate but accessible to all abilities as possible as a presenter too. I am sure you know this but I think your particularly great at this. Thank you Paul.
I really appreciate this video. I've been working on unmasking... it is quite hard. I've been using it for over 30 years. My work is incredibly stressful and I realized that I just can't anymore. I'm tired all the time and I can't maintain it.
I am excellent at masking. I didn't know it was masking until I learned this year that I am autistic. I just thought of it in my head as how I must be when around other humans. People like me when I mask. When I don't mask I'm arrogant, rude, and too much trouble per "feedback" from people "helping" me understand how I need to "improve". The world has done a thorough job of teaching me I am not acceptable unless I mask. I think you do well laying out what that does to a person's mental health. You also give me hope maybe I can find space and people where the mask isn't needed. Thank you.
i've suspected myself to be autistic for a long time (diagnosed this year)
i've always struggled with thoughts of "there's something massive wrong with me"
i've always been unable to fully internalise posivite reinforcement, compliments, praise etc.
watching this video is the first time i've really put these together and realised there's a unifying theme - social masking.
thank you for articulating what i really needed to hear
I think people mask also trying to appear better than they are, or to fit in with other people.
I like this video very much and will follow you. Authenticity is such an important thing. You are authentic. :-). One can tell.
Who Am I... that's the feeling alright. You're suggesting, decide what parts of your pre-diagnosis self would feel comfortable almost anywhere. Stick with those. The parts you adopted because they could be labeled 'acceptable' can go.... they come from a superficial place. You'll recognize them because you will feel a huge relief to drop them. I recognize now I've felt all of that, just couldn't make the distinctions. Thanks for providing them, Paul. I would add, the part of me that's most authentic is the 'deep, philosophical' part, as it turns out. I've trotted it out whenever I could because I was always looking for someone to share that conversation. Didn't get me very far though, most of the time. 😉
After being through severe depression and anxiety I was diagnosed at the age of 72!!...now a year later, things are slowly coming together...before I was always asking myself...''just who am I''...I've been masking my whole life...some more successful than others I might add...now I am much less anxious about being in some situations and facing others on my terms as they are at the time...lots more time with my psychologist is in store yet...but I'm living in my own skin a lot easier...with far less masking which is a relief...love to all from Perth Scotland😁
Found out I am (probably) autistic a few weeks ago. (Age 45). Still flipping back and forth between accepting and not accepting the diagnosis. (Clearly some of my many diagnosis are wrong! But which?) Masking confuses the shit out of me, but I have always felt I created a persona and its one thing I know I do.
This video helps clarify a lot, but it raises more questions. I have no clue who the real me is, I have been filtering myself for so long, and I have so much social phobia, not applying that filter is terrifying.
Also where is the line / distinction between self improvement and masking? I have been striving to improve myself for so long, and not just my social interactions, how much of myself is now real? Is my masking so deep, my self acceptance so limited I have gone way beyond just altering social presentation, to altering everything? No doubt much of the catalyst for this self change comes from the desire for social acceptance, so should I strip back those changes because of this motivation? If I should unmask, shouldnt I un everything that comes from the desire to fit in?
Thanks for this one, Paul. It helped me to articulate some of my own thoughts and questions on the matter.
Paul, you are absolutely amazing at communicating these things. I've learned so much from your videos and appreciate them greatly.
Thank you for the bravery and openness that it took to make and post this video. It did help.
I’m 48 and to be, masking is necessary. No one knows I’m autistic because i don’t tell them because most ppl i know would poopoo it And say “no you’re not” or “you are using it as an excuse”. So i don’t bother. Plus I’m a HSP (highly sensitive person) which means if anyone is even slightly annoyed with me, I’m my mind that means they’re pissed off which makes me feel like crap & i equate with they don’t like me. I don’t understand how NTs can get past that stuff and sarcastic cutting humor and still have a good relationship and not be offended by it. With me, i get VERY offended by it and in many cases remember such small comments up to 40+ years later.
Also, this is a great follow-up to your last video on unmasking. It answers a lot of questions I had after watching the last one.
This is another one of your best videos Paul. I've stayed away from connecting with others in autism community, and now I'm realising the value and I want to seek this opportunity and connect. Your knowledge and experience sharing has had an immense impact in my journey. Thanks.
Thanks for this topic. I've subscribed. Loved seeing the Underdogs book series on your shelf!
Oh wow!
I was asking you this question during the Q&A at the summit. Thank you for making a whole video about it! And thanks for the compliment at 0:57 😊
Thank you so much Paul...over the past year or so you have become like family through your videos...and the help that you have given me is immeasurable...so much that I am now in a place to be able to recognise most the aspects of this video...thank you so much Paul for all the help that perhaps has to travel thousands of miles away...love to the family from Perth Scotland😁
Thanks for this very informative and enlightening presentation on "masking". As is so often the case, your perceptive analysis is as pertinent for those of us who are not autistic, or for those who do pastoral counseling, as it is for those who are. I always learn something useful from your presentations, and recommend them to colleagues and clients.
I like your distinction between masking and filtering. Makes perfect sense. You must filter, I think, even with your family. For example, when there's a rage outburst because your sensory is overloaded. You're not hiding, you're controlling it in order not to hurt those that you love.
But masking... I'm The Master, I have always called myself a chameleon and I was kind of proud of it because it worked well for me. Until it didn't anymore and I crashed.
I'm still learning to walk after that one and it's not easy, I still get paralyzed too often (it's kind of a metaphor but making my body actually move has been a problem for a long time due to huge problems with executive function).
Diagnosed with ADHD at 34, year later self-diagnozed with autism thanks to people like you.
Have you done any videos regarding the mindfuck of being autistic+ADHD? If not, it's an interesting topic that many women would highly appreciate.
I have ADHD and I feel such a connection to autistic people. Especially when it comes to masking. During a long term therapy group I went to, (back when I didn't know I had ADHD) I remember trying to explain this feeling of constantly suppressing my needs, stims, boredom and inability to stay present in conversations. The therapist in the group kept saying 'just be yourself ' and I realized I didn't really know what that is. I've been suppressing so much of myself for so long that I don't know how to be "free" in front of others. When the mask slipped in the past because I've been too exhausted or too excited, people have not liked it and made it clear that I need to "get my act together". 😐
Really interesting video about masking! I watched it while researching an episode about autism. Subscribed as well!
Hello Paul. I have been enjoying and learning a lot from your videos. I found out that I have autism earlier this year.
You are helping me so much, thank you and please keep it up!
That's a brilliant video, and every word is strongly relatable, you're a wizard Paul !
It's so wild and amazing to find out there's an explanation/reason/whatever the right word for it is for me being me. It took 36 years, but I'm just grateful I found all this info at all. Thank you for putting yourself out there and giving us a chnac for an even better life. ❤
I feel like I was beginning to unmask even before I thought I was autistic, I’m 46 so I guess I was just getting to the point of I can’t do this anymore!
I think I’m better socially or social things start to seem to work better being more authentic and not trying so hard.
Thanks for the video 😊
You explained this so well. I have masked too long and am very burned out. I am glad i watched this video. It is time for me to address the feeling of not being 'good enough' to be accepted. I am isolating first though to try get the courage.
'good enough' yep
Nicely done, clear, helpful. Thank you.
This talk is amazing my brother 🙏
This actually opened my eyes, thank you.
things that help me unmask are small things i do in public that i would otherwise hide. i used to hold my breath when a person passed me, now sometimes ill take a big breath on purpose to show that i can.
Thank you for the video, I learned some insights that I wasn't aware of before.
The ‘not good enough wound’ it has ran deep in me.
Thank you so much for these videos. I am glad they found me. I’m still processing everything. I think I’ve been doing this for 40 years