YES! And what I hate is that I have to be in the mood to match the energy of my environment and most of the time my energy levels or involving myself in small talk is not at their level for lack of better words. Small talk is so superficial and boring. It is hard to give elaborate answers on simple boring questions. I don't talk non-stop on how the weather has been since we spoke two days ago. I talk, engage, and sometimes I'll just observe and listen or sometimes I will sit down for a moment. Being part of a conversation to me is not always talking, part of conversating is listening and body language. I have noticed that my body language is more relaxed, my hands don't flap everywhere and I don't sit up so straight as if I was balancing a plate on my head. I wonder if that makes me look discontented or board? And I am the epitome of resting b**** face, if I am not smiling I look mad. Lol at that point, when somebody says "what's wrong" or "why are you are quiet?" A minute after talking for awhile, it makes me scream inside. Because the answer I really want to give would make me sound like a smart-ass. "Nothing is wrong, I'm sitting down just like you were a moment ago. Why am I quiet? Because I am listening to what is being said, why should I interrupt? If I have something to say I will chime in. I could go on about subjects that are not interesting to you to the point where you were asking me why I'm talking so much." The the worst one is, " are you okay, you look mad? Why are you not smiling?" I was just laughing! Am I supposed to sit here like a cheerleader giving a big toothy grin in between cheers? Am I being rude by not smiling in between masticating bites of food and taking a sip of soda?" How about somebody just hand me a big Halloween mask with a big grin on it?
Whenever I'm alone - I unmask. Talking to myself, in general expressing my thoughts aloud gives me great joy, flapping my hands too. That's why whenever my roommates are out I suddenly become very energetic and euphoric. I don't have friends but my family. With them I can unmask and be myself so I make sure to video call them once a week. The only thing I can't live without is expressing my thoughts. I don't know how to explain it but for example whenever I read a great book I feel the need to tell about it to someone, be it myself. I don't have friends and my family doesn't really share my interests so talking to myself is the best option for me (and it's really therapeutic). However, I can do this only on rare occasions. I noticed when I can't do it for the longer periods of time I become very tired, lethargic and depressed, almost as if something was draining energy from my body and mind.
the energy being drained the more your talking/sharing hits me hard! I caught this sign in myself and actually went to bed very early to recharge. I slept from 6pm to 6am only woke up because I had to go to work, but after TWO weeks of constant study and sharing and feeling like crud, I felt 100% social battery
Oh thank God! I'm on the spectrum too, and I thought I was the only one who talks to myself. But I usually do so when imagining myself or any of my characters in any scenario.
Omg i always get SO excited and could talk literal hours about something bit there is no one that would listen to me for that long i can never bring my whole point across… thats so frustrating…. So i run around my flat and talk to myself and getvso enthusiastic
I think I might just be autistic.... I had a conversation with my husband last night and realized that whether autistic or not I definitely mask. He notices it but I don't always notice. Its a defense mechanism to ensure acceptance, peace and ensure that I am understood. But it drains me so badly and he can tell the difference when I'm relaxed and just me with him vs when others enter. He's been trying to help me with this bless his sweet heart. I pray everyone finds someone as supportive and caring as him.
ADHD/ADD and PTSD (among others) also use masks. Imho it's definitely worth looking into, obviously if it feels valuable to you and whenever/once you have the energy and time. Lots of love to you!! ❤
The greatest lie i was told throughout childhood was "just be yourself and people will come to accept you." but its always the one who said it who rejects it the harshest
I don't think that's a lie! Yes, a lot of people won't accept you, but you'll find the people who appreciate you for being yourself. Billy Porter is a huge advocate of this and his life is a true example of it!
I dont think its a lie. They truly believe its the truth. They dont know people are judgemental asses. They dont know that they themselves are judgemental asses. Or they are self deluded.
Most people seemingly don't have to deal with constantly being misunderstood from being held to a standard that is only usefully applicable to NTs, making others seem rude/uncaring/arrogant when misapplied. Being yourself around others would be fine if others could understand that being you means they need to understand you on your terms not NT terms.
I like the idea of less secrets. I'm pretty smart and highly analytical; that's the biggest part of myself I hide. Most people just want chit-chat and to complain rather than actually fix problems. As I've gotten older I have less and less ability to be around that.
@@annestay5021 A lot of complaining is more about the person's emotions and them wanting to feel seen and heard, than the actual problem. I'm autistic and I see both sides, but when I get annoyed at someone for trying to fix my problem, it's because I want them to see and validate my feelings more than I want the issue fixed.
okay on number 1. In the past, I've literally had to lie down, put my head in my hands, and just unwind from stress, and then in my mind I would go "oh im just subconsciously trying to convince myself im actually suffering. In reality im just lazy and cant do the things I want to do cause I subconsciously dont want to." like I legitimately didnt trust my own feelings or stress and that the only reason I couldnt get myself to be productive sometimes was because "I was lazy." It took me *YEARS* to accept that there I had mental health issues that were actually stopping me from doing what I wanted. And it sucks when I talk to family like my sister or mom or step-dad and they just tell me "oh Brent's just making stuff up to be lazy again" or "stop being weird" or the like. I'm actually proud of myself now that I have some degree of confidence in myself that If they tell me to stop acting a certain way, or im just exaggerating how uncomfortable something is, I can actually get mad and go 'no, this is how it feels for me.' it really sucks cause I can only imagine how much other people have to deal with this. Like straight up not believing their own emotions because they've been told by other people 'you're just making stuff up.'
Wow thank you for writing this I am really bad with this to the point that I am almost numb to my emotions and really bad at recognizing them in the moment.
oh wow, this comment hit me like a brick wall. the whole “maybe this isn’t actually a problem and i’m making it all up!” cycle never ends, and i’m trying so hard to find a way out
Helps to know why my son takes the time after school to be on his own, unwinding. It's about recharging for him and time for unmasking. Being himself in the comfort of his own place. Have stopped barging in on the process.
Yes, I am starting to think that this is why I feel smothered if I have to visit people 3 or 4 days in a week; 2 days is even pushing it, since I have to socialize at work for a lot of the day. I couldn't figure out why I am the way I am until two people (on totally separate occasions) told me that they were sure that I had Aspergers (one said that they were on the spectrum, and that I show more symptoms than they have). I almost snapped on year, during Christmas, because I had to go to 4 Christmas dinners, one day right after the other, with a house packed right full of people. This might make me sound ungrateful, but I almost had a total nervous breakdown, because I had to talk and talk and talk. My brain felt like it had been doing math equations for hours, and I had a hard time sounding enthusiastic and happy nearing the end of the night, trying to portray who people wanted me to be, while my grandma criticizes who I am from time to time, despite me trying to sound like a cheerful social butterfly. I now understand why I used to run to my room and listen to music as a teenager, during family gatherings (usually after eating and doing dishes). And at my dad's fireman camp-outs, where there would be about 16 people there, all day, everyday (I was the weirdo who sat in the camper with my headphones on, and wasn't much interested in participating in the scavenger hunt, since I didn't understand why everyone was so competitive (I got yelled at by one of the adults for giving away a clue to the other team, and remember being confused, wondering what I did wrong). I was thinking, "Why, what are we going to win that's so life-changing? Isn't it just a game?" But yeah, that's me. I don't even care if people call me weird anymore.
It always surprises me how difficult of a concept this is for people to grasp? Autism defining character is problems with social engaging. Too much interaction to us is like leaving your hand on the stove. Being alone is the cool water running over the burn. After the water there is still a burn and it should not be touched but protected until it heals. No one but the autistic person can say when its okay again and every small interaction can risk the burn getting worse again. We make too many connections, our brains literally burn out because there is no automation of social rules, we have to think them all to ourselves. It's like playing five games of chess in your head. Youd be exhausted too if you had to do that for hours every day.
I did the same thing. With books or an educational show and a little ice cream (needed the energy tbh) i would sit and just rest and then I would be able to successfully tackle and ace my homework. Sometimes rollerblading by myself in nature helped when I got older and things got more stressful. Different things for different people.
@@RioRav it doesn't feel like a burn to me, that implies lasting damage, I just get sleepy. That sucks if your symptoms are that heavy tho. I feel like using less-intense language would make it more palatable to NT's, sometimes they can think we are exaggerating, so using more tolerable words would probably allow them to relate
The most devastating part of masking to me is that there are things that even when I'm alone I kept help but feel shame over. I like to make music and I don't share it with anyone because I know that it's "cringe" and nonsensical by most peoples standards and it's not in line with what they expect from me. I like making music with complex rhythm textures and very emotional chords which I personally love, but I know that the average person doesn't understand it because it doesn't sound like what they're expecting to hear. So it ends up feeling like a guilty pleasure I don't share because I don't want to share it and get ridiculed by someone who doesn't have the capacity to appreciate what I'm doing. I'm getting better about it though, caring more about myself than what others think.
Similarly, I hide my music and my talents from my family for the most part. I do post music on Spotify under my music name, and that might be a good alternative for you to get your music out there and find people who actually do appreciate it (If that's what you want).
I intentionally started masking 10 years ago, at age 42, after being laid off a 4th time and told yet again that it's not based on poor performance. Well, of course not. I'm a top performer. So I figured it must be something about my personality, and I started watching and mimicking others, just trying to keep a job. It worked in that sense, that I left my last two jobs on my own terms after 5 years each. But it also fractured me. And exhausted me, till all I could do was work and sleep. I am at a new job, one that promotes diversity and openness. And I'm trying to be authentic, but it's scary.
@@RedTailedSmeargle nope, not trans, though I understand that incidence is high among autistics. It's been a year since that comment, and I now understand I lived through some childhood trauma. The symptoms are very similar to autism.
I'm 39 and while I've always known I was odd in one way or another, it's only thanks to living alone over the past few years when I've had enough time to reflect and process that I've become the mask even while alone.
Masking is always damaging. We are not disordered. Maybe being our authentic selves could bring a world where the next generation wouldn't have to wear masks at all. The world needs our worldview!
And yet we have to live in a world where we are surrounded and outnumbered by NT's who function differently from us. In that regard there are some compromises that need to be made to get along with others. I don't think its damaging to do something differently in public so as not to stress out the people around you.
Dropping the mask when Im alone... 51yo, discovered my autism 4 months ago. After enduring 16 years of my late husband's Huntington’s Disease, my first (undiagnosed) unmasking happened in my grief. 12 months later, I lost my job. I'm learning what my mask is and rediscovering myself, week by week. Thank you for your video.
Suggestion: start to unmask through appearance (eg hair colour /clothes /tattoos etc. ) that show your unique style instead of what is expected of you. People get a sense of you without you having to verbalise it.
But those are all added things to your physical appearance that pretty much anyone else could do. Autism is too often these days watered down to some kind of aesthetic. Dying your hair, tattooing yourself buying a new wardrobe etc really does not equate to being your authentic self. Nor is it an option for many people, especially autistic people who struggle with too much attention, sensory issues or financial problems. If anything it's just unintentionally masking in a different direction, trying to appear different rather than the same. Trying to appear any certain way is not being authentic.
@@Maria-up2yv I agree, it's not for everyone. As an autistic person myself, it has been a helpful way of exploring my true identity. I've allowed myself to always wear black and I don't dye my grey hair anymore, even though those were expectations on me as a middle aged woman.
@@RenataWade I've finally learned to dress and be Me as well! I don't like my hair in my face so I always wear it in a bun. I often get, "Why don't you let your hair down!". I really like to look nice but the clothing has to be comfortable or it messes me up. I got a new wardrobe of clothing that I love and I feel confident in. Unmasking in some respects is absolutely good and personal 'style' is in that. That said, we're all a little different so I say, "Keep trying until you find your best you." I wish NT's would try that as well. My 40's have been the best years of my life.
@@ellyk8834, I have a school reunion (30 years) coming up next month, and I would like to make a speech that will go something like this: "Good evening, I remember, on our second last day of school, we went to Dreamworld (I went to school in Queensland), and I told my mother that I didn't want to go, but she told me I had to, as it was the last time that I'd be with these students. I compromised and said, "All right, but I'm taking the early bus home." I chose my activities carefully, and, I rang my mother at about 1:30pm (after I had permission from the Year Co-Ordinator) and said, "I'm having a better time down here than I thought I would. So, can I stay until 5pm, please?" She said yes, and when I got home, she said to me, "I'm glad you stayed down there." "Why?" "Well, this was the last time you were with these kids." Six years ago, I had to get a new car, and a man with whom I was friendly, said, "I like that car. It's more you. Your old car; it wasn't you." What did he mean, I wondered. Was it the more bland colour, the more bland styling? I remember in my first year at high school, a kid who used to harass and bully me told me that if I wanted to be more popular, I should let my hair grow long at the back, some other superficial nonsense, and graffiti my schoolbag. Okay, I had slightly longer hair in Year Nine, but that was because I went on a holiday to the Sunshine Coast when I was in Year Eight and my mother cut my hair and said, "I'll leave it a bit longer at the back, to protect your neck." But guess what, my hair is thin, curly and wavy and it split, so it looked horrible. And my schoolbag was MY schoolbag, and if I saw somebody with a car like mine with Monroe shocks on it and I said, "You should put a set of KYBs on that," they'd probably tell me to use the precursor to Quicken Books (MYOB), and if someone with Monroe shocks told me that KYBs were stupid and I should have Monroe, I'd tell them to mind theirs. I remember one day, this kid and another who was an incessant bully, were pushing me to sensory overload, and Mr Feher asked what was going on. This kid replied, "He's a weirdo, Mr Feher." Now, if I had been Mr Feher, I would have said to him, "Well, generally, people tend to avoid weirdos, not hang around them." But guess what? Four years later, Mr Feher was my Multi-Strand Science teacher, and three years after that, Mr Feher was my brother's science teacher, and he asked if we were brothers and what I was doing. And my brother said that Mr Feher was pleased that I was at university because I'd worked hard at school. So that shows how much of an impact that kid had on Mr Feher. After a few years of recurring nightmares about bullying, I went and saw my GP, and was diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I saw a few psychologists, but I saw one who asked a question that helped explain a lot. The question was, "Have you ever heard of Asperger's Syndrome?" "No." So, we did a few tests and we found out that I am autistic. That explained many of my quirks and eccentricities and things that made me who I am. I can remember this same kid making the idiotic statement, "Imagine if you had a bump on the head and you changed." I know he wasn't some people's favourite teacher, and I only knew him to say hello to, after he came to my house selling raffle tickets from his soccer club, but Mr Loughrey's brother was a taxi driver who was violently assaulted and acquired a brain injury. And guess what, I didn't want or need to change! Since I have been diagnosed as autistic, I have made some amazing friends, and I can be both a member of the autistic community and someone from the Class of 1991.
Weirdly I have been able to unmask at work because I'm wearing an actual mask ..lol of course my life is a study in irony. I don't have to go around with my best authentic fake smile on anymore. I can sit at my desk with flat effect working and not feel anxious or worried about how my face looks to others. I can stick my tongue out when doing things that take alot of physical concentration and nobody sees it's great feels much less stressful now. I hope this pandemic will end one day...even then I will not be taking my mask off but I will be unmasking 😀
This. Working in healthcare and wearing an actual mask all day and doing most consultations by phone has changed my life. I am so much less anxious and exhausted on a daily basis.
I was upset the other day when I told someone I was autistic and their response was ‘yes, they are getting good at finding things wrong with us these days’ !! I really didn’t know what to say. I am learning that I am not wrong to tell people but their response can be wrong. I may likely be ready next time though.
Finding a job where ppl DO accept you for who you are . Even the right city made a big difference for me. It's hard to be authentic when your parents made fun of you growing up and reject you. Now that dad is gone, the fear is gone and I'm discovering who I am....what i enjoy doing in life without proving anything to anyone.
The way that sometimes strangers can be the most accepting when they DONT know you, that sparks the fire in the fear of mine that people won’t accept me anymore once they get to know me.
Being diagnosed at 30 with ASD made me really look at why I masked in the first place. And it’s really painful. It’s comforting to know now I can learn how to undo and accept my true self without imitate negative response which is the very reason it all began.
Something I’ve noticed: The most successful NTs are completely encased in a facade. They act successful, wear the right clothes, drive the right car so people can assume they are a good bet. Everywhere I’ve ever worked people wear the costume of professionalism for that occupation. Remember figuring things out for yourself uses a lot of energy, thought macros that are triggered by appearance makes it easy for people to just assume you’re a professional in your job. I just say as little as possible, look right and be as indispensable as possible. Nobody cares that I’m Autistic because they can rely on me to get the job done correctly. It also helps to have several people between me and anyone who might ask me a social question where feelings are involved. I’m great at empathy and sympathy but I suck completely when I’m around someone seeking pity. I have no time for that.
Good thought there... There's adapting to the situation (which ideally everyone should do), there's the NT "fake it 'till you make it"/life coach approach, and then there's masking. I don't like thinking about it as masking, but then, like you, I suck at interacting with someone seeking pity". Rather than say something completely roughshod, I can "say as little as possible", but I see that as being considerate instead of being "fake".
Yes it is no small thing unmasking .As a woman I was constantly criticised for my dress my hair my refusal to wear certain clothes , my mother permed my hair cried at the dresses I would not wear , screamed at me to put on makeup, so I became a doll and then I was abused multiple times as I was not aware of my sexuality , I now wear the same clothes most of the time, I wear little makeup but I dont go out much as I still don”t accept myself much , but I al letting a few people in a little bit
Thank you for sharing your story ❤, I can identify with most of it. Your story helps others to know they are not alone in these experiences. Stay strong 💪🏾
Hi I’m Gypsy an Autistic Alcoholic. I opened up in a room full of anonymous friends. Alcohol became an easy mask to wear, and felt like a cloaking device. Thanks for sharing and helping me be as kind to myself as I am to others.
I was staying at a friend's place earlier this year; slept on the couch there for about a month. This was prior to realizing I'm autistic. I can't sleep with those small lights on the television, etc. on, so I'd ask him, "hey can you turn those off when you go to sleep?" He thought it was rather comical and slightly odd, but it frankly wasn't a big deal for either of us. We've known each other for seven years at this point, though. I've just kind of been rather open about my quirks, incidentally. I generally speaking tend to tell people, regarding issues such a these: "I don't expect you to understand personally -- but I would like to be treated with respect either way."
Same here, undiagnosed nearly 50 here but absolutely certain I'm on the scale... And probably near the top if I'm honest. Not sure how to unmask or even if I'm doing it... Lots to figure out.
I got out of a relationship years ago because I needed to find myself, I didn't know why. At the time it just sounded like those people who needed an excuse to get away from a relationship. I started to feel comfortable in my own skin, showing who I was to some new friends, but then I got entangled in a new relationship, without knowing I was using a mask my whole life. The result was I lost everything I conquered when I was on my own, got a new mask and completely lost the notion of who I am. After years of suffering in a relationship, being someone else full time, I'm burned out, I don't know who I am, what I really like, but also I'm on the path again of unmasking and showing the world and especially myself who I am.
I was 61y old when I discovered my Autism. Now I am proudly Autistic af and learning that I am almost certainly ADHD as well. The Neurobland with their unexceptional brains will not other me or oppress me. For me it starts with refusing to accept their terminology: e.g. ASD for me is Autism Spectrum *Difference*...and I don't mask, I shield. I am not "diagnosed" but *recognized*. My Left-handedness was never a disease or disorder and neither is my Autism. I simply have an exceptional brain.
I don't like these premiere alerts! I keep getting myself all situated to enjoy a "session", then I see it's not until tomorrow. I look forward to this one, tomorrow.
The worst part is when we want to do a certain thing but cant now. We end up on waiting mode instead of finding another thing to do. It’s just too distracting
You know what it's like to go your whole life into adulthood before realizing that we're not defective/strange/broken/etc.. but simply different, so this will hopefully make sense that I was SO happy to learn this that I got really excited and made a Facebook post that basically said, "Hey, so, for anyone who'd been wondering why I do this, this, that, am like this, that, this, etc.. it turns out that I'm autistic" Because it's all just family and coworkers, and I didn't even think about how they would actually react because I've been masking my "weirdness" all my life but they all still think I'm weird anyway, so it didn't seem to matter. That being said though, now they all are aware but as I write this, I realize that I don't think I'm going to actually unmask because then they'll actually see the extent. Your videos are very empowering and educational though, and appreciated by SO many people. Thank you for doing what you do. 💕
Growing up, I was strange, weird, and "stuck up" (aka, quiet/"shy")... but as there seemed to be nothing I could do about it, I took the attitude "so are we all - to me, YOU are weird!" (and noisy).. Probably life could have been a lot easier, might have been better even, if someone had said something to me. These days, I just open up v-e-r-y slowly to people who seem equipped to take it in stride.. and there are an amazing number who can.
I have never been "officially" diagnosed, but always felt different. If I am autistic, I started masking very early (think elementary school). Back then & today; I have been told my brain is broken. I watched another video 25 Traits of Autism & had 23 of them. I decided to figure out who I really am & started dismanteling the mask. It does not always go well. One day at a time-that's how I am handling this.
I have been masking for my whole life. Ive done it so often and for so long its hard to know who I am without it. But by slowly letting the mask fall Ive noticed that social things are not as draining and I overall have much more tolerence. Thanks for the video
sometimes sitting through one of this guy's video presentations, proves more helpful than sitting across a room from some shrink, while attempting to grasp at thoughts/ideas that at some point, in some way, with any luck, may prove meaningful.
Love gradual. Empowering self. Masking prevented me from being more secure with myself; knowing autism impacts me is also freedom to be authentic; then others around me know what they are seeing in me too
Thank you so much for your videos. I am an 'NT', but started working with someone who I believe is an Aspie - Per your videos, I have learned that I should never suggest that he might be an Aspie, that input alone has been great. I watch your videos to try and understand my co-worker and how he works and how best to work with him. He is brilliant, and kind, and sweet...and yet I know I am not really seeing who he truly is. I would love to tell him that he can be himself with me...if that would help his creativity with our project. On another note - I love your videos. I hope you are able to share more of your authentic self in the future. All the best...
Woah, reading this comment and understanding that you are willing to understand your fellow human on that level, it melts my heart. As a aspie myself: we need to treasure you and your ability to look further than the first 'masking signs' that goes unseen by so many 😁👍 I hope this comment is still relevant for you today. And I hope your colleague is more himself around you as well 🤩
Thanks for making this video it's been another one that I didn't realise I needed until I started watching it. Fellow aspie here and I often have a little cry of happiness when I hear you perfectly lay out a problem I face daily and the process to follow to attempt to decipher it and reconcile it. Thank you.
This is SO empowering! I am 68 years old and very recently discovered that I'm on the spectrum. It has been terribly damaging to me not knowing this for all these years, and now I just want to scream it out loud to everyone . I have a youtube channel and plan on sharing it in public very soon. So far, family and friends have been very supportive. It has been the most liberating and transforming experience of my life and I feel as though it has just SAVED my life. Have been ashamed of, and hated myself for way too long. Thank you Paul, for all of your wisdom, insights, and encouragement. ❤️🙏
@@sylvanacandela4204 I find it extremely hard, that I did'nt know that I have lived my whole life with a mask. To suddenly stop up and question everything about who I am is a shock. This community though is really helpfull.
I was diagnosed at 12. I was kind of ignorant of my diagnosis because I wanted to be normal. There has always been the person I'm privately, and the one publicly. I think that my dad (probably autistic as well) had/has some firm belief about how to be and behave - dress and so. You know, he is the occasional kind of strict person who don't express any vulnerabilities. I lived my life like this. Never har relationships, though I longed for them. When I was about 28, there was a lot happening in my family that made me become self-aware. Started comparing myself to others at first. Then realizing that what others did with their lives wasn't for me. While meeting people that I felt comfortable with, the mask just fell off. I still mask, but I'm aware of it - and more aware of my own feelings.
Hi Paul, thanks for the important work you do. Have you ever thought about creating a playlist of your videos that would help explain Asperger's to a neurotypical person? I think that would be a helpful way to "break the ice" to the friends and families of someone newly diagnosed. Thanks!
Thank you Paul! I didn't realize it, until today,...that Every time I feel comfortable enough to drop my mask...I lose acquaintances, friends, or worse a job that I love!
I find it really, really daunting to unmask after a life time of being condemned and ridiculed for it. I'm trying to be less ashamed after interactions where I've masked again and I could have felt safe to unmask with the person, I'm just so not used to it. I'm so used to people feeling uncomfortable, or taking it personally and I struggle to tolerate that. I've ingrained some unfortunate habits from my last relationship where I copped a lot of judgement for being "monotonous" / "a Daria" .... that was a really important step in my self development to let myself embody that unmasked persona, and sadly I was too naive to combat judgement. Well, at 31 I'm trying my best to be authentic and self compassionate.
Yes, Paul, it is very damaging when one feels that one has to pretend and mask, but it is also an unconscious process for long. I say a good diet can help the person to become more balanced, as gluten, sugar trigger anxiety, overthinking. I feel myself when I am like doc Martin, emotionless, straightforward, not as rude though. When I unnecessarily giggle, laugh then I mask and try to show a happy, overly kind face and I dont feel myself then, I rarely do it now and I can recognize it when I am doing it and able to get back to my center. Lots of alone time and regular vagus nerve, somatic exercises help me big time as well. As our nervous system can easily get into Flight or fight mode, the daily exercises, meditation can help to make the body feel safe and present as when we are in flight of fight mode the body doesnt feel safe and senses the situation as a traumatic event (So practically for me almost all interaction with humans and other events were traumatic, regardless it may appeared as a positive situation). Plus sugarfree, dairy free, glutenfree, low carb and mostly raw and plant based diet.
1. when im alone the only thing i want is to continue being alone and something to distract my mind. 2. everyone i care about already knows my hobbies and interests. I havn't touched most of them in years. (hobbies/interests not people i care about) 3. ive been trying to tell people im autistic for years, most show me a bit of pity then pretend like they never heard it. Repeat tellings usually result in them laughing it off or more recently getting called nuts by my mother then slapped several times (im 30) the few who actually understand/believe me all have their own mental issues they deal with. My mask is too good, and ive worn it so long i dont know who I am anymore. My entire life is based around things that make me happy but in ways that dont make me look weird. My mask IS my life. I dont even know what to do with myself anymore, i go to work because i need money for food and rent, other then that all i want to do is space out on some biology or astrophysics till bed then wake up and repeat. Is it okay to be completely happy with nothing but a bedroom, bed, computer, and a job that pays the bills with a tiny bit of spending money? Should i even be asking if thats okay? All the shit i want to do its far to late in life for me to get started. I barely got my GED the third time round 8th grade, ive not had a gentle childhood and a lot of that revolved around school and its shit im still struggling to remember. Every few weeks some other part of my childhood comes back and its like i unlocked a section of memory ive never had before and its so vivid. Being in school was mental torture, 11 years of being completely bored out of my mind because i could read the textbook in an hour and understand most of it in a week. I cant go back to that. And then theres memory problems. Im amazing at remembering strings of numbers, names take me weeks to learn, i can remember days and events from when i was 3 years old (confirmed by describing the face of a "friend of the family" that my personal family did not know and who died when i was 4 and i had only met once when i was 3, believe me i do not come to these realizations lightly.) BUT only if someone or something triggers that memory. When i was 10 years old i had an accident with my bicycle. I couldnt remember what happened or how badly i was injured just that i didnt go to the hospital but it was the worse pain i had felt. Last year i moved across the street from where it happened and after a week of staring at the spot in the road it came back to me crystal clear, every moment. The exactly movement the handlebars made, exactly what the bruise looked like (softball sized centered directly on my sternum, with a bloodlessly white circle of skin in the center where the weight of the entire bike landed on just the bare metal end of the handlebar. 20 years later...... you know i realize now ive gone off the rails a bit. Dont even remember what my point was... I think "i have no idea whats wrong with me, i have more problems then i can count on my fingers and no idea how to go about figuring out what they are nevermind how to handle them and i give up. ive been fighting this shit and trauma and anxiety and so much more for so long i dont remember a life before i started pretending to be normal. (Fists and belts are very persuasive). SO i give up. Ill be a shut in for the rest of my life i dont care im just tired of fighting.
Thanks again Paul. You do so well at verbalizing the particulars of having Asperger's, especially why our problems can be so confusing. Aspies need and deserve self-liberation from over analyzing ourselves.
interesting thought that maybe we wouldn't be that analytical if the world would be more like us, as we would have needed to think that much to understand things and to fit in curious if this is the case, or not or the world would be just much more analytical in general if most people would be like us :)
@@martin-b-b I was plenty analytical as a small kid. It didn't start to fuel pathology until I kept getting socially 'smacked' for not playing the game of 'human' correctly according to others.
This is so true. Paul has a way of unraveling what’s going on in our heads and showing it back to us in a way we can understand. It’s seriously such a gift.
this is such a nice advice. personally it really helps that im learning about autism now after being on a personal growth journey for quite a while because at this point I have already acquired a skill of dropping the parts of me that aren authentic, at the same time its so healing to learn that other parts are just how I am and dont need to be "healed" from but rather accepted
I am so very grateful to have a coworker friend at work who is an Aspie, and I am able to tell her all of my thoughts. She was the second person to tell me that she was sure that I have Aspergers; and said that I show more symptoms than she has.
your videos always express mine and other aspies expeirences so well. it's incredibly hard for me to verbalize my thoughts and emotions like that. and they allow me a resource to send a video instead of struggling and poorly explaining an expierence or struggle i have. thank you for doing what you do
Thank you for your videos - I have been going to therapists my whole life- but they really were not that helpful- you bring sincerity-and genuinely have care and compassion for the people you reach on your channel- it’s a little bit sad that some people get degrees and have a lot of fancy paper work on the walls but they can help as much as you have- it is just therapeutic to be able to relate to you and also what you talk about is very practical and rational and beneficial- so many times I have left office doctors appointments and thought to myself what a waste of time and look down at a written prescription for medication that the therapist prescribed me- what they lack in the therapy and help that you intrinsically have- they try to make up for it by medicating their patients - thank you and God bless- I look forward to your videos- thank you
My main thing is people see one character trait and classify me as that kind of person. I'm silly and bubbly? I can't be smart. I'm fit? I can't be smart. I'm political? I can't be smart. And if I'm smart that's all i am. I can't be smart and fit, i can't be smart and bubbly or fun. All through middle school and highschool my friends treated me like I was dumb or incompetent, and in class people who realized I was smart tried to be a fake suck up friend to get answers from me. It was clear i was being talked to like a child who was easily fooled. It was only when I got the boyfriend I have now thar i was respected no matter what personality I was. I could be silly and goofy but he would still take me seriously when I eas being serious. He gets me and loves me. It's from dating him thst i am finally learning to feel comfortable being myself again, and being myself infront of my friends (my good friends, not the jerks that treated me like I was stupid). I'm so grateful to have him, and to have found people who understand wjat I've been going through my whole life. These videos bring me to tears. I really appreciate them ❤️
You seem like you’ve gotten to understand yourself and how you manage in relationships. In my 60’s and just found out I’m Asperger’s and when it comes to dropping the mask…who am I? I’m lost to who my authentic self is.
I can so relate, Cynthia- I am also in my 60s, figuring out that what I believed was weirdness/brokenness is that I have autism . I am now trying desperately to know which parts of who I think I am are authentic and which are masks. The good news is we are now all finding each other and do not need to feel so alone in our journey. Channels like this connect us, help us educate ourselves and give us new directions in our quest to understand. Yes, we found out later in life which brings it’s own struggles. The reality for me is that this struggle is infinitely better than to try to continue to keep a mask up! Best of luck, I will be rooting for you!
I can so relate to not knowing who I am. Autism, ADHD are all part of who I am, yet those close to me insist that all "labels" are bad. I don't know what I mask, but then I cannot take it off...
My mother is in the same position, having found out alongside me just recently. She's been struggling with her identity all her life, and it all just got even more confusing for her.
In my own experience, I feel uptight around people who are masking in any way. I pick up on their tension. So unmasking could produce better results for everyone involved.
I am just now coming to terms with the fact that I have autism and that every weird fact of my life can be easily explained in this light. But Im worried that autism itself may become another "mask". I dont want to hide behind my condition. I dont want it to become a definition of who I am. I dont know how to sort this out, the things that are beyond my control and I have to accept them as they are, and the things that I can and should actually change with some effort. Any tips to improve self knowledge will be appreciated. Thank you so much for these videos!
This is so wise! I have had self-doubt because all I've heard before was "unmask", but I've unmasked with a few trusted few. I like some of my mask as it allows me to function in society.
I just found your channel, and unmasking is a process I’ve just started with. Listening to you explain it in a way that is knowledgeable and understanding helped me sit with it in myself in a more positive and less impatient way, thank you!
My partner of 10 years was diagnosed with Aspergers a few days ago and I was diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago and so I’m trying SO HARD to watch these videos to learn strategies for effective communication and just more about what he has or may soon be going through but I’ve already had to restart this video twice because every time you say behind the mask or take off the mask I think of the movie The Mask where the psychiatrist on the tv talks about that same sort of thing and then before I know it I’ve missed what’s being said and I have no idea where I’m up to 😪
This was so helpful. Just the other day (I was only recently disagnosed Aspie) I let myself consciously stim with a shaggy rubber ball toy for the first time in my life and I got full body tingles, like my insides were celebrating freedom for the first time. It was magical. I want to unmask and finally figure out who I really am :)
Tonight I will embrace the fact that I apparently do not get to sleep like I want, and I will draw whilst watching RUclips at 2:00AM instead of being frustrated. I will ignore that I’ll be a complete mess tomorrow and just try to be ok with having no energy almost ever. Hey, who knows, maybe letting go the need to sleep at normal times so I can “life” will make me less anxious about sleeping and then I will! One can hope.
I have weird sleeping and awake hours too. I'm more active at night and so not a morning person so I go to bed around 2-3 and wake up at 11. I've been maintaining this schedule for over 2 years and it really works for me. I understand that most jobs (9-5) can't accommodate this particular schedule so it may not be a viable solution for you, but finding some way to shift your schedule to take advantage of when you're most active (even if it's at night) really helped my overall happiness. I find ways to work around the schedule like doing errands and other "office hour" tasks in the "morning" which is about 12pm-3pm for me. After my husband goes to sleep around 10-11, that's when the house is quiet and I can get work done. I'm a quiet person so I have no problem with being so loud, I may wake him up. Anyways, the point of this rambling is to tell you that, if you don't work with the sleeping schedule that everyone else uses, make your own. It may take some adjustments to find ways to make everything work, but it really does make life better when you're not trying to force yourself to fit the mold of the masses.
@@ashboehnlein8326 thanks! Yes, I have been considering this option for awhile. It really interferes with a couple things, but since I sleep so poorly those things are interfered with most of the time anyway. So, I’ll probably try this. It does make me concerned because I’ll be missing daylight because of issues with SAD and I really do like the occasional early moring watching the sunrise kinda thing and I wish I could be up with my kids for school. But… ugh… I guess this might just be one of the many things it turns out I “can’t do” because of the autism/adhd issues I’m discovering since my Dx. And if I end up feeling better overall then I guess those might not feel like too big an expense for what I get back. Certainly worth trying anyway.
Did the first two on my own. The third one was done for me, gradually, over the course of 10+ years. I didn't have the strength or knowledge to do it on my own, and thankfully someone recognized that and took control. I'm still struggling, but I feel I'm closer to the better side of healing than the wrong side of sabotage.
I'm very comfortable with myself when I'm on my own, but I really struggle with desperately hiding most of myself socially. I just came out to a coworker whom I've become very good friends with over the last year. And afterwards I was SO stressed out for a full 24 hours, and a few days later I'm still really stressed out by it, even though I knew he wouldn't judge me, and he didn't, and he really reacted so so amazingly and didn't get weird about it at all. It's still so scary. But I'm glad I did it. This is something I've hidden for so long, I've never even discussed it with my partner of 16 years. I was diagnosed at 11.
I find this so difficult. I used to unmask more at home, but now my teenagers are extremely judgy and embarrassed, to the point that they’ll tell me to stop X behavior. So even at home I can’t unmask, and I’m almost never alone.
I remember at one point telling a friend that I was looking at a bottle of nail polish and I thought I wanted to use it, but idk if I like it.i would never have worn it before, because the people I used to hang out with would've made fun of me. He told me to put it on and see how I feel about it. I spent months after that trying on anything that caught my eye and seeing how I feel when I wear them. I finally found my personal style without anyone else's influence. It felt amazing.
I've been having to learn how to get rid of the mask. Especially now that it has been cracking and I can't keep it up anymore. It's been a hard learning curve, and I admit, not everyone has been understanding.
I struggle with masking to the point I do it even when I am on my own I am trying to find specific psychological help delving through the literature to see if there is a specific treatment that helps put me in the right path to do so but it's hard to find info. Thinking of asking my counselor for advice on what kind of stuff is out their as I fee like I cannot really do it on my own and that I need someone to help guide me actually being me even if it's just on my own again when it comes to my physical expression with ADHD and possible Autism (Not diagnosed for Autism but have been with ADHD but mum and two sisters all are ADHD and autism so I am aware it's likely that I do)
Thanks for your sensitivity in this presentation. Your approach is so helpful after the hobnail boots that neurotypical reality presents us with sometimes.....
Thank you for this, I really appricate. I got my nerodivergent diagnosis not long ago. I never knew how far my masking had gone. I thought this was normal. Thank you. im trying to learn
Thank you so much! After watching this video it makes a bit more sense. I couldn't understand the bit where for example you do some behavior in public like strange sounding laughter or very loud voice or keep kick the door and your parents tell you this is not good to do so you just learn it and don't do it. I struggled to understand why you just won't learn not to do something or do it differently and move on, like learning at school. Why you would still want to do it and this is your true self and you will need to put a mask in order to be accepted or make good impression. In my lifetime I have been told off for a lot of behaviors and just learn and don't think at all this is not my true self. Sometimes later in life I think wow I don't know why I would have wanted to do that at all?! But I understand a bit more now that in autism some behavior is just triggered like by sound and the person can't help it sort of. Thank you!
Thank you for your videos, I learn a lot from them. As I have nevrodivergent persons, recently diagnosed, ADHD, in myfamily, with this background I have been looking up videoes and books about ADHD and ASD lately. I have discovered that there are obvious traits of autisme in many in the family, included myself. I am 70, I do not plan going for a full examination of several reasons. Anyway I find a lot of good information here, very useful for me, to understand myself and others around me. Also I enjoy the way the information is presented, the way to formulate and prononce give extra satisfaction. Greetings from Norway.
Thank you very much Paul, you are such help to many people. (I also like very much the colours of your text in the video, it is so pleasant to read it).
I'm not even sure who i am anymore, i've just built this personality of things that people expect from me. Masking is really tiresome sometimes, just making everybody happy. It's hard in the university where you are under so much expectation from people, often with conflicting interests. Doesn't help that i kind of built my personality around being smart.
Shrooms help me drop my filter. I feel more human and normal. Thank you for you tips, I will try using them instead of resorting to mother natures produce.
Just wow! Thank you for this video. You said some things that really changed my perspective. I am working on unmasking after wearing my mask 24 seven for about 30 years and it is extremely hard and has left me confused about how to feel and like I said, you gave me a new perspective so thank you
FILTER! Yes! Yes!Yes! Ie: “Because I do not have an intellectual deficit that impeded my ability in adolescence to observe and learn ALLISTIC social norms, I FILTER through my natural and my adapted behaviors to present myself in a manner that is most consistent with the norms for each setting and/or group of people.” Thank you! I have been trying to find better phrasing for my 50yr old, undiagnosed, in denial (because his friend…given no context or examples “doesn’t see it”) husband. I noticed hubs was especially sensitive to the word ‘masking’…I feel he interprets as being deceptive/manipulative rather than what everyone does to ‘put their best foot forward’. I am not a fan of referring to myself as ‘typical’ and hubs as ‘diverse’, and I know he hears ‘defective’. I have begun using Allistic Population and Autistic Population. 😅
I think one way of organizing and opening up to different people and places in the world gradually in the three stages is to look at the bioecological model, which was adapted from ecological systems theory about genes and ecological interactions. When we put on a mask and take it off on our own we operate in our own environment where we only affect ourselves, such as our happy place from childhood or wherever we feel comfortable. When we expand towards other individuals we operate in environments such as work, school, and community where we have direct one-to-one contact with others. When we move more outwards into the world we enter the exosystem environment where we don't have direct contacts but things such as mass media propaganda still affect us, this allows others to see our true perspectives and behaviors. Going beyond takes us into culture and politics. Another way of making sense of all this is to consider whether we are physical realists or on the extreme end psychological idealists. However, I think the best and healthiest way that Paul seems to be suggesting is to take the middle approach as a social constructivist where we wear the mask according to the situation by not taking people and everything that goes on in the world too seriously or personally. Above all, I think mutual trust and understanding between individuals is important if they are going to take off their own masks and be honest about giving honest advice to those that also unmask themselves.
There have been a few channels on autism and ADHD where some videos talk about masking and the first time I watched it, I remember thinking, "Ohhhh. I don't know how to do that." I think the closest I can get to masking is saying nothing at all
I want so bad to be free just live life you know? Wanting to unmask and actually doing it is so difficult I didn't know where to start! I will be trying these tips!💖
Today I posted a snippet of your video on burnout to my Instagram story. I made sure to share your RUclips channel. I was so nervous. It was 5 second but to let my friends know I'm going through burn out is big. I also made a new Instagram, separate from my business persona. It felt like an extension of the mask. The new one has made me pretty happy. It's still private and I only added 10 friends 😅 gradually.
Have you just realized how very little you actually know about yourself? Something else? I thought I’d learned ‘enough’, but have only recently come to realize (after recently discovering my Autistic Awesomeness) there are many things, many, still left to discover.
ok, but how do i even start with phase 1? i don't even drop it when I'm alone, i haven't unmasked for a second in 15 years and now unable to recover from a burnout even though i completely withdrew to my room for months now. i don't stim like i used to as a kid, i no longer have any special interests because its easier not to talk about them if you don't have any, i script basically all the time and now that I'm aware of it it drives me mad, i no longer look in mirrors because i noticed i always end up checking my own expressions. it is all so ingrained in me that i can't stop even when alone and I'm so tired of doing it that i can barely wake up in the morning
i think i also mask in front of myself, so it's hard to really know what real self is like. it's like, not only do i feel inadequate in front of others, i feel inadequate in front of myself, like "this isn't who i want to be" or something. and sometimes my "masking" is just actually delayed echolalia or mimicking, because that's just how i learn to socialize and behave.
I find masking can so easily get me in trouble in so far people can expect too much from me and I can’t deliver.
truth
YES! And what I hate is that I have to be in the mood to match the energy of my environment and most of the time my energy levels or involving myself in small talk is not at their level for lack of better words. Small talk is so superficial and boring. It is hard to give elaborate answers on simple boring questions. I don't talk non-stop on how the weather has been since we spoke two days ago. I talk, engage, and sometimes I'll just observe and listen or sometimes I will sit down for a moment. Being part of a conversation to me is not always talking, part of conversating is listening and body language. I have noticed that my body language is more relaxed, my hands don't flap everywhere and I don't sit up so straight as if I was balancing a plate on my head. I wonder if that makes me look discontented or board? And I am the epitome of resting b**** face, if I am not smiling I look mad. Lol at that point, when somebody says "what's wrong" or "why are you are quiet?" A minute after talking for awhile, it makes me scream inside. Because the answer I really want to give would make me sound like a smart-ass. "Nothing is wrong, I'm sitting down just like you were a moment ago. Why am I quiet? Because I am listening to what is being said, why should I interrupt? If I have something to say I will chime in. I could go on about subjects that are not interesting to you to the point where you were asking me why I'm talking so much." The the worst one is, " are you okay, you look mad? Why are you not smiling?" I was just laughing! Am I supposed to sit here like a cheerleader giving a big toothy grin in between cheers? Am I being rude by not smiling in between masticating bites of food and taking a sip of soda?"
How about somebody just hand me a big Halloween mask with a big grin on it?
Preach!
Hell yes! Going through a rough spell... well few years and social professionals just keep piling stuff on without thinking.
Exactly how I fell out of some relationships
Whenever I'm alone - I unmask. Talking to myself, in general expressing my thoughts aloud gives me great joy, flapping my hands too. That's why whenever my roommates are out I suddenly become very energetic and euphoric. I don't have friends but my family. With them I can unmask and be myself so I make sure to video call them once a week.
The only thing I can't live without is expressing my thoughts. I don't know how to explain it but for example whenever I read a great book I feel the need to tell about it to someone, be it myself. I don't have friends and my family doesn't really share my interests so talking to myself is the best option for me (and it's really therapeutic). However, I can do this only on rare occasions.
I noticed when I can't do it for the longer periods of time I become very tired, lethargic and depressed, almost as if something was draining energy from my body and mind.
the energy being drained the more your talking/sharing hits me hard! I caught this sign in myself and actually went to bed very early to recharge. I slept from 6pm to 6am only woke up because I had to go to work, but after TWO weeks of constant study and sharing and feeling like crud, I felt 100% social battery
Oh thank God! I'm on the spectrum too, and I thought I was the only one who talks to myself. But I usually do so when imagining myself or any of my characters in any scenario.
talk in the shower
Ya I feel ya with having to share my thoughts. Friendship is so important I hope you can find some friends that get you
Omg i always get SO excited and could talk literal hours about something bit there is no one that would listen to me for that long i can never bring my whole point across… thats so frustrating…. So i run around my flat and talk to myself and getvso enthusiastic
I think I might just be autistic.... I had a conversation with my husband last night and realized that whether autistic or not I definitely mask. He notices it but I don't always notice. Its a defense mechanism to ensure acceptance, peace and ensure that I am understood. But it drains me so badly and he can tell the difference when I'm relaxed and just me with him vs when others enter. He's been trying to help me with this bless his sweet heart. I pray everyone finds someone as supportive and caring as him.
❤❤❤
I took a online test and have high functioning spectrum autism.
ADHD/ADD and PTSD (among others) also use masks. Imho it's definitely worth looking into, obviously if it feels valuable to you and whenever/once you have the energy and time.
Lots of love to you!! ❤
@@trishapotter3118what test
That's my boyfriend, he's wonderful. I think he's also on the spectrum as I've learned I am
The greatest lie i was told throughout childhood was "just be yourself and people will come to accept you." but its always the one who said it who rejects it the harshest
same experience
I don't think that's a lie! Yes, a lot of people won't accept you, but you'll find the people who appreciate you for being yourself. Billy Porter is a huge advocate of this and his life is a true example of it!
I dont think its a lie. They truly believe its the truth. They dont know people are judgemental asses. They dont know that they themselves are judgemental asses. Or they are self deluded.
Most people seemingly don't have to deal with constantly being misunderstood from being held to a standard that is only usefully applicable to NTs, making others seem rude/uncaring/arrogant when misapplied. Being yourself around others would be fine if others could understand that being you means they need to understand you on your terms not NT terms.
@@leighannjohnson8176 Very few of us will ever, ever, ever be darling Billy. Just saying.
I like the idea of less secrets. I'm pretty smart and highly analytical; that's the biggest part of myself I hide. Most people just want chit-chat and to complain rather than actually fix problems. As I've gotten older I have less and less ability to be around that.
Holy shit. I finally found somebody that's exactly like me. Quite impressive actually
@@balanardodia1132 I can relate to your comment. Wouldn't say exactly like me, but a big part of me sees the world similar.
Same!
@@annestay5021 A lot of complaining is more about the person's emotions and them wanting to feel seen and heard, than the actual problem. I'm autistic and I see both sides, but when I get annoyed at someone for trying to fix my problem, it's because I want them to see and validate my feelings more than I want the issue fixed.
i’m the same way. i try to give solution buh they don’t be trying to hear me. no wonder they just try to brush me aside😂
okay on number 1. In the past, I've literally had to lie down, put my head in my hands, and just unwind from stress, and then in my mind I would go "oh im just subconsciously trying to convince myself im actually suffering. In reality im just lazy and cant do the things I want to do cause I subconsciously dont want to." like I legitimately didnt trust my own feelings or stress and that the only reason I couldnt get myself to be productive sometimes was because "I was lazy." It took me *YEARS* to accept that there I had mental health issues that were actually stopping me from doing what I wanted. And it sucks when I talk to family like my sister or mom or step-dad and they just tell me "oh Brent's just making stuff up to be lazy again" or "stop being weird" or the like. I'm actually proud of myself now that I have some degree of confidence in myself that If they tell me to stop acting a certain way, or im just exaggerating how uncomfortable something is, I can actually get mad and go 'no, this is how it feels for me.'
it really sucks cause I can only imagine how much other people have to deal with this. Like straight up not believing their own emotions because they've been told by other people 'you're just making stuff up.'
Wow thank you for writing this I am really bad with this to the point that I am almost numb to my emotions and really bad at recognizing them in the moment.
oh wow, this comment hit me like a brick wall. the whole “maybe this isn’t actually a problem and i’m making it all up!” cycle never ends, and i’m trying so hard to find a way out
Due to high levels of consistent trauma during childhood; the mask formed itself as a kind of defensive measure. Your videos have been very helpful.
That's often how it happens... even if the traumas aren't recognized for the traumas they are.
Same
traumatism
Bruh same
This. ❤
Helps to know why my son takes the time after school to be on his own, unwinding. It's about recharging for him and time for unmasking. Being himself in the comfort of his own place. Have stopped barging in on the process.
Yes, I am starting to think that this is why I feel smothered if I have to visit people 3 or 4 days in a week; 2 days is even pushing it, since I have to socialize at work for a lot of the day. I couldn't figure out why I am the way I am until two people (on totally separate occasions) told me that they were sure that I had Aspergers (one said that they were on the spectrum, and that I show more symptoms than they have). I almost snapped on year, during Christmas, because I had to go to 4 Christmas dinners, one day right after the other, with a house packed right full of people. This might make me sound ungrateful, but I almost had a total nervous breakdown, because I had to talk and talk and talk. My brain felt like it had been doing math equations for hours, and I had a hard time sounding enthusiastic and happy nearing the end of the night, trying to portray who people wanted me to be, while my grandma criticizes who I am from time to time, despite me trying to sound like a cheerful social butterfly. I now understand why I used to run to my room and listen to music as a teenager, during family gatherings (usually after eating and doing dishes). And at my dad's fireman camp-outs, where there would be about 16 people there, all day, everyday (I was the weirdo who sat in the camper with my headphones on, and wasn't much interested in participating in the scavenger hunt, since I didn't understand why everyone was so competitive (I got yelled at by one of the adults for giving away a clue to the other team, and remember being confused, wondering what I did wrong). I was thinking, "Why, what are we going to win that's so life-changing? Isn't it just a game?" But yeah, that's me. I don't even care if people call me weird anymore.
It always surprises me how difficult of a concept this is for people to grasp? Autism defining character is problems with social engaging. Too much interaction to us is like leaving your hand on the stove. Being alone is the cool water running over the burn. After the water there is still a burn and it should not be touched but protected until it heals. No one but the autistic person can say when its okay again and every small interaction can risk the burn getting worse again. We make too many connections, our brains literally burn out because there is no automation of social rules, we have to think them all to ourselves. It's like playing five games of chess in your head. Youd be exhausted too if you had to do that for hours every day.
THANK YOU!!! ❤ I wish my mom had understood and respected my needs like this!
I did the same thing. With books or an educational show and a little ice cream (needed the energy tbh) i would sit and just rest and then I would be able to successfully tackle and ace my homework. Sometimes rollerblading by myself in nature helped when I got older and things got more stressful. Different things for different people.
@@RioRav it doesn't feel like a burn to me, that implies lasting damage, I just get sleepy. That sucks if your symptoms are that heavy tho. I feel like using less-intense language would make it more palatable to NT's, sometimes they can think we are exaggerating, so using more tolerable words would probably allow them to relate
The most devastating part of masking to me is that there are things that even when I'm alone I kept help but feel shame over. I like to make music and I don't share it with anyone because I know that it's "cringe" and nonsensical by most peoples standards and it's not in line with what they expect from me. I like making music with complex rhythm textures and very emotional chords which I personally love, but I know that the average person doesn't understand it because it doesn't sound like what they're expecting to hear. So it ends up feeling like a guilty pleasure I don't share because I don't want to share it and get ridiculed by someone who doesn't have the capacity to appreciate what I'm doing. I'm getting better about it though, caring more about myself than what others think.
Similarly, I hide my music and my talents from my family for the most part. I do post music on Spotify under my music name, and that might be a good alternative for you to get your music out there and find people who actually do appreciate it (If that's what you want).
Thanks for sharing man
I think many people including me, woulddd absolutely love to hear your artwork of music, must be so unique
I intentionally started masking 10 years ago, at age 42, after being laid off a 4th time and told yet again that it's not based on poor performance. Well, of course not. I'm a top performer. So I figured it must be something about my personality, and I started watching and mimicking others, just trying to keep a job. It worked in that sense, that I left my last two jobs on my own terms after 5 years each. But it also fractured me. And exhausted me, till all I could do was work and sleep. I am at a new job, one that promotes diversity and openness. And I'm trying to be authentic, but it's scary.
Are you trans? Asking because I see a lot if myself in this comment.
@@RedTailedSmeargle nope, not trans, though I understand that incidence is high among autistics. It's been a year since that comment, and I now understand I lived through some childhood trauma. The symptoms are very similar to autism.
I'm 39 and while I've always known I was odd in one way or another, it's only thanks to living alone over the past few years when I've had enough time to reflect and process that I've become the mask even while alone.
I’m sorry like me you have had to endure all of this ❤
Masking is always damaging. We are not disordered. Maybe being our authentic selves could bring a world where the next generation wouldn't have to wear masks at all. The world needs our worldview!
100%
Yes!
The world needs to respect our worldview. As we all need to respect every living creature.
And yet we have to live in a world where we are surrounded and outnumbered by NT's who function differently from us. In that regard there are some compromises that need to be made to get along with others. I don't think its damaging to do something differently in public so as not to stress out the people around you.
Obviously we need to start our own country…
Dropping the mask when Im alone... 51yo, discovered my autism 4 months ago. After enduring 16 years of my late husband's Huntington’s Disease, my first (undiagnosed) unmasking happened in my grief. 12 months later, I lost my job.
I'm learning what my mask is and rediscovering myself, week by week. Thank you for your video.
Suggestion: start to unmask through appearance (eg hair colour /clothes /tattoos etc. ) that show your unique style instead of what is expected of you. People get a sense of you without you having to verbalise it.
But those are all added things to your physical appearance that pretty much anyone else could do. Autism is too often these days watered down to some kind of aesthetic. Dying your hair, tattooing yourself buying a new wardrobe etc really does not equate to being your authentic self. Nor is it an option for many people, especially autistic people who struggle with too much attention, sensory issues or financial problems. If anything it's just unintentionally masking in a different direction, trying to appear different rather than the same. Trying to appear any certain way is not being authentic.
@@Maria-up2yv I agree, it's not for everyone. As an autistic person myself, it has been a helpful way of exploring my true identity. I've allowed myself to always wear black and I don't dye my grey hair anymore, even though those were expectations on me as a middle aged woman.
@@RenataWade I've finally learned to dress and be Me as well! I don't like my hair in my face so I always wear it in a bun. I often get, "Why don't you let your hair down!". I really like to look nice but the clothing has to be comfortable or it messes me up. I got a new wardrobe of clothing that I love and I feel confident in. Unmasking in some respects is absolutely good and personal 'style' is in that. That said, we're all a little different so I say, "Keep trying until you find your best you." I wish NT's would try that as well. My 40's have been the best years of my life.
@@ellyk8834, I have a school reunion (30 years) coming up next month, and I would like to make a speech that will go something like this: "Good evening, I remember, on our second last day of school, we went to Dreamworld (I went to school in Queensland), and I told my mother that I didn't want to go, but she told me I had to, as it was the last time that I'd be with these students. I compromised and said, "All right, but I'm taking the early bus home." I chose my activities carefully, and, I rang my mother at about 1:30pm (after I had permission from the Year Co-Ordinator) and said, "I'm having a better time down here than I thought I would. So, can I stay until 5pm, please?" She said yes, and when I got home, she said to me, "I'm glad you stayed down there." "Why?" "Well, this was the last time you were with these kids."
Six years ago, I had to get a new car, and a man with whom I was friendly, said, "I like that car. It's more you. Your old car; it wasn't you." What did he mean, I wondered. Was it the more bland colour, the more bland styling?
I remember in my first year at high school, a kid who used to harass and bully me told me that if I wanted to be more popular, I should let my hair grow long at the back, some other superficial nonsense, and graffiti my schoolbag. Okay, I had slightly longer hair in Year Nine, but that was because I went on a holiday to the Sunshine Coast when I was in Year Eight and my mother cut my hair and said, "I'll leave it a bit longer at the back, to protect your neck." But guess what, my hair is thin, curly and wavy and it split, so it looked horrible. And my schoolbag was MY schoolbag, and if I saw somebody with a car like mine with Monroe shocks on it and I said, "You should put a set of KYBs on that," they'd probably tell me to use the precursor to Quicken Books (MYOB), and if someone with Monroe shocks told me that KYBs were stupid and I should have Monroe, I'd tell them to mind theirs.
I remember one day, this kid and another who was an incessant bully, were pushing me to sensory overload, and Mr Feher asked what was going on. This kid replied, "He's a weirdo, Mr Feher." Now, if I had been Mr Feher, I would have said to him, "Well, generally, people tend to avoid weirdos, not hang around them." But guess what? Four years later, Mr Feher was my Multi-Strand Science teacher, and three years after that, Mr Feher was my brother's science teacher, and he asked if we were brothers and what I was doing. And my brother said that Mr Feher was pleased that I was at university because I'd worked hard at school. So that shows how much of an impact that kid had on Mr Feher.
After a few years of recurring nightmares about bullying, I went and saw my GP, and was diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I saw a few psychologists, but I saw one who asked a question that helped explain a lot. The question was, "Have you ever heard of Asperger's Syndrome?" "No." So, we did a few tests and we found out that I am autistic. That explained many of my quirks and eccentricities and things that made me who I am.
I can remember this same kid making the idiotic statement, "Imagine if you had a bump on the head and you changed." I know he wasn't some people's favourite teacher, and I only knew him to say hello to, after he came to my house selling raffle tickets from his soccer club, but Mr Loughrey's brother was a taxi driver who was violently assaulted and acquired a brain injury. And guess what, I didn't want or need to change!
Since I have been diagnosed as autistic, I have made some amazing friends, and I can be both a member of the autistic community and someone from the Class of 1991.
I like it! I took the pressure off myself gradually by prioritizing my needs through clothing and esthetics. 👏
Weirdly I have been able to unmask at work because I'm wearing an actual mask ..lol of course my life is a study in irony. I don't have to go around with my best authentic fake smile on anymore. I can sit at my desk with flat effect working and not feel anxious or worried about how my face looks to others. I can stick my tongue out when doing things that take alot of physical concentration and nobody sees it's great feels much less stressful now. I hope this pandemic will end one day...even then I will not be taking my mask off but I will be unmasking 😀
This. Working in healthcare and wearing an actual mask all day and doing most consultations by phone has changed my life. I am so much less anxious and exhausted on a daily basis.
@@squidge125
I am so glad to hear that I am not the only one who is liking wearing a mask in public 😄
Covid has helped me I like the mask as I don't have to mask and I like the screens too
I love wearing a mask for this exact reason. Strangely enough when ppl ask about my ask and I say that I get the feeling it’s weird to them but idk
I was upset the other day when I told someone I was autistic and their response was ‘yes, they are getting good at finding things wrong with us these days’ !! I really didn’t know what to say. I am learning that I am not wrong to tell people but their response can be wrong. I may likely be ready next time though.
I can so relate to that.
Say “Aaaaaactually I found out myself I’m autistic. The doctor just confirmed my suspicions.”
That's a really harsh and insensitive thing to say. I'm sorry you went through that.
It's important to recognize that what people say is a reflection of their own perception, not how everyone sees you.
Yea someone told me “don’t label yourself like that “
Finding a job where ppl DO accept you for who you are . Even the right city made a big difference for me. It's hard to be authentic when your parents made fun of you growing up and reject you. Now that dad is gone, the fear is gone and I'm discovering who I am....what i enjoy doing in life without proving anything to anyone.
The way that sometimes strangers can be the most accepting when they DONT know you, that sparks the fire in the fear of mine that people won’t accept me anymore once they get to know me.
Being diagnosed at 30 with ASD made me really look at why I masked in the first place. And it’s really painful. It’s comforting to know now I can learn how to undo and accept my true self without imitate negative response which is the very reason it all began.
Something I’ve noticed: The most successful NTs are completely encased in a facade. They act successful, wear the right clothes, drive the right car so people can assume they are a good bet. Everywhere I’ve ever worked people wear the costume of professionalism for that occupation.
Remember figuring things out for yourself uses a lot of energy, thought macros that are triggered by appearance makes it easy for people to just assume you’re a professional in your job.
I just say as little as possible, look right and be as indispensable as possible. Nobody cares that I’m Autistic because they can rely on me to get the job done correctly.
It also helps to have several people between me and anyone who might ask me a social question where feelings are involved.
I’m great at empathy and sympathy but I suck completely when I’m around someone seeking pity. I have no time for that.
I've noticed looking older. Wearing make up. Wearing hair up helps.
Good thought there... There's adapting to the situation (which ideally everyone should do), there's the NT "fake it 'till you make it"/life coach approach, and then there's masking. I don't like thinking about it as masking, but then, like you, I suck at interacting with someone seeking pity". Rather than say something completely roughshod, I can "say as little as possible", but I see that as being considerate instead of being "fake".
Those NTs, I call them 'conventionals'
@@barelylucid I call them ‘normies’
Those things are literally masking though. I think this video is the opposite: when you are done trying to be someone you are not.
Yes it is no small thing unmasking .As a woman I was constantly criticised for my dress my hair my refusal to wear certain clothes , my mother permed my hair cried at the dresses I would not wear , screamed at me to put on makeup, so I became a doll and then I was abused multiple times as I was not aware of my sexuality , I now wear the same clothes most of the time, I wear little makeup but I dont go out much as I still don”t accept myself much , but I al letting a few people in a little bit
I'm sorry for what you've been through...
So sorry to hear 😢 But glad that you are YOU now
Thank you for sharing your story ❤, I can identify with most of it. Your story helps others to know they are not alone in these experiences. Stay strong 💪🏾
Hi I’m Gypsy an Autistic Alcoholic. I opened up in a room full of anonymous friends. Alcohol became an easy mask to wear, and felt like a cloaking device.
Thanks for sharing and helping me be as kind to myself as I am to others.
Alcohol is something used by LOTS of people to function in the real world
A lot of neurodivergent people use substances like alcohol for social anxiety. AuDHD or ADHD especially because of the lack of dopamine
I was staying at a friend's place earlier this year; slept on the couch there for about a month. This was prior to realizing I'm autistic. I can't sleep with those small lights on the television, etc. on, so I'd ask him, "hey can you turn those off when you go to sleep?" He thought it was rather comical and slightly odd, but it frankly wasn't a big deal for either of us. We've known each other for seven years at this point, though. I've just kind of been rather open about my quirks, incidentally.
I generally speaking tend to tell people, regarding issues such a these: "I don't expect you to understand personally -- but I would like to be treated with respect either way."
I think I've been masking so long I'm not sure who my authentic self really is. So that might have to be the first step for me 😄.
Same here, undiagnosed nearly 50 here but absolutely certain I'm on the scale... And probably near the top if I'm honest. Not sure how to unmask or even if I'm doing it... Lots to figure out.
@@markh9194 Same here...
Diagnosed recently and I am 65 and I have no idea who I am now.
I got out of a relationship years ago because I needed to find myself, I didn't know why. At the time it just sounded like those people who needed an excuse to get away from a relationship. I started to feel comfortable in my own skin, showing who I was to some new friends, but then I got entangled in a new relationship, without knowing I was using a mask my whole life.
The result was I lost everything I conquered when I was on my own, got a new mask and completely lost the notion of who I am. After years of suffering in a relationship, being someone else full time, I'm burned out, I don't know who I am, what I really like, but also I'm on the path again of unmasking and showing the world and especially myself who I am.
I was 61y old when I discovered my Autism. Now I am proudly Autistic af and learning that I am almost certainly ADHD as well.
The Neurobland with their unexceptional brains will not other me or oppress me.
For me it starts with refusing to accept their terminology: e.g. ASD for me is Autism Spectrum *Difference*...and I don't mask, I shield. I am not "diagnosed" but *recognized*.
My Left-handedness was never a disease or disorder and neither is my Autism.
I simply have an exceptional brain.
I don't like these premiere alerts! I keep getting myself all situated to enjoy a "session", then I see it's not until tomorrow. I look forward to this one, tomorrow.
The worst part is when we want to do a certain thing but cant now. We end up on waiting mode instead of finding another thing to do. It’s just too distracting
Your content is so helpful. This video untangled a lot of thoughts that were mixed up in my mind. Thanks for your work 🙏🤗😊
You know what it's like to go your whole life into adulthood before realizing that we're not defective/strange/broken/etc.. but simply different, so this will hopefully make sense that I was SO happy to learn this that I got really excited and made a Facebook post that basically said, "Hey, so, for anyone who'd been wondering why I do this, this, that, am like this, that, this, etc.. it turns out that I'm autistic"
Because it's all just family and coworkers, and I didn't even think about how they would actually react because I've been masking my "weirdness" all my life but they all still think I'm weird anyway, so it didn't seem to matter.
That being said though, now they all are aware but as I write this, I realize that I don't think I'm going to actually unmask because then they'll actually see the extent.
Your videos are very empowering and educational though, and appreciated by SO many people. Thank you for doing what you do. 💕
Growing up, I was strange, weird, and "stuck up" (aka, quiet/"shy")... but as there seemed to be nothing I could do about it, I took the attitude "so are we all - to me, YOU are weird!" (and noisy).. Probably life could have been a lot easier, might have been better even, if someone had said something to me. These days, I just open up v-e-r-y slowly to people who seem equipped to take it in stride.. and there are an amazing number who can.
I have never been "officially" diagnosed, but always felt different. If I am autistic, I started masking very early (think elementary school). Back then & today; I have been told my brain is broken. I watched another video 25 Traits of Autism & had 23 of them. I decided to figure out who I really am & started dismanteling the mask. It does not always go well. One day at a time-that's how I am handling this.
I have been masking for my whole life. Ive done it so often and for so long its hard to know who I am without it. But by slowly letting the mask fall Ive noticed that social things are not as draining and I overall have much more tolerence. Thanks for the video
sometimes sitting through one of this guy's video presentations, proves more helpful than sitting across a room from some shrink, while attempting to grasp at thoughts/ideas that at some point, in some way, with any luck, may prove meaningful.
Love gradual.
Empowering self.
Masking prevented me from being more secure with myself; knowing autism impacts me is also freedom to be authentic; then others around me know what they are seeing in me too
Yes,i work closely with people and i feel guilty when im in a down mood or feel fatigue. Thats when l need my space and want to just be alone
Thank you so much for your videos. I am an 'NT', but started working with someone who I believe is an Aspie - Per your videos, I have learned that I should never suggest that he might be an Aspie, that input alone has been great. I watch your videos to try and understand my co-worker and how he works and how best to work with him. He is brilliant, and kind, and sweet...and yet I know I am not really seeing who he truly is. I would love to tell him that he can be himself with me...if that would help his creativity with our project.
On another note - I love your videos. I hope you are able to share more of your authentic self in the future. All the best...
Woah, reading this comment and understanding that you are willing to understand your fellow human on that level, it melts my heart.
As a aspie myself: we need to treasure you and your ability to look further than the first 'masking signs' that goes unseen by so many 😁👍
I hope this comment is still relevant for you today. And I hope your colleague is more himself around you as well 🤩
Thanks for making this video it's been another one that I didn't realise I needed until I started watching it.
Fellow aspie here and I often have a little cry of happiness when I hear you perfectly lay out a problem I face daily and the process to follow to attempt to decipher it and reconcile it. Thank you.
Cry of happiness back at you
This is SO empowering! I am 68 years old and very recently discovered that I'm on the spectrum. It has been terribly damaging to me not knowing this for all these years, and now I just want to scream it out loud to everyone . I have a youtube channel and plan on sharing it in public very soon. So far, family and friends have been very supportive. It has been the most liberating and transforming experience of my life and I feel as though it has just SAVED my life. Have been ashamed of, and hated myself for way too long. Thank you Paul, for all of your wisdom, insights, and encouragement. ❤️🙏
I was just diagnosed a few years ago as an adult (though in my early 20s) and I felt (and still feel) the EXACT same way.
I really relate! I am also in the same process - though 40 years. Did you know, that you were actually living with a mask?
I had no idea that I was living with a mask, only that I could not be myself. And that was always awful.
@@sylvanacandela4204 I find it extremely hard, that I did'nt know that I have lived my whole life with a mask. To suddenly stop up and question everything about who I am is a shock. This community though is really helpfull.
I was diagnosed at 12. I was kind of ignorant of my diagnosis because I wanted to be normal. There has always been the person I'm privately, and the one publicly. I think that my dad (probably autistic as well) had/has some firm belief about how to be and behave - dress and so. You know, he is the occasional kind of strict person who don't express any vulnerabilities. I lived my life like this. Never har relationships, though I longed for them. When I was about 28, there was a lot happening in my family that made me become self-aware. Started comparing myself to others at first. Then realizing that what others did with their lives wasn't for me. While meeting people that I felt comfortable with, the mask just fell off. I still mask, but I'm aware of it - and more aware of my own feelings.
Hi Paul, thanks for the important work you do. Have you ever thought about creating a playlist of your videos that would help explain Asperger's to a neurotypical person? I think that would be a helpful way to "break the ice" to the friends and families of someone newly diagnosed. Thanks!
Yes! That would be a really great help 👍🏻 Even a specific video for friends and family of the late diagnosed to help the autistic ‘come out’ to them.
This would be a great video
Thank you Paul! I didn't realize it, until today,...that Every time I feel comfortable enough to drop my mask...I lose acquaintances, friends, or worse a job that I love!
I've gotten the message that the real me is not something people want to have around. How do I get past this?
@@laurie3113 I wish I knew, I'm going through the same thing
This is a masterpiece. I’m new in this journey. You’ve uncovered a goldmine for us.
I wonder if we can actually lead the rest of the world to be authentic!
That’s the work 🙏🏻✨🙌🏻
I find it really, really daunting to unmask after a life time of being condemned and ridiculed for it. I'm trying to be less ashamed after interactions where I've masked again and I could have felt safe to unmask with the person, I'm just so not used to it. I'm so used to people feeling uncomfortable, or taking it personally and I struggle to tolerate that. I've ingrained some unfortunate habits from my last relationship where I copped a lot of judgement for being "monotonous" / "a Daria" .... that was a really important step in my self development to let myself embody that unmasked persona, and sadly I was too naive to combat judgement. Well, at 31 I'm trying my best to be authentic and self compassionate.
All the best friend. Good on you for fighting the good fight
Yes, Paul, it is very damaging when one feels that one has to pretend and mask, but it is also an unconscious process for long. I say a good diet can help the person to become more balanced, as gluten, sugar trigger anxiety, overthinking. I feel myself when I am like doc Martin, emotionless, straightforward, not as rude though. When I unnecessarily giggle, laugh then I mask and try to show a happy, overly kind face and I dont feel myself then, I rarely do it now and I can recognize it when I am doing it and able to get back to my center. Lots of alone time and regular vagus nerve, somatic exercises help me big time as well. As our nervous system can easily get into Flight or fight mode, the daily exercises, meditation can help to make the body feel safe and present as when we are in flight of fight mode the body doesnt feel safe and senses the situation as a traumatic event (So practically for me almost all interaction with humans and other events were traumatic, regardless it may appeared as a positive situation). Plus sugarfree, dairy free, glutenfree, low carb and mostly raw and plant based diet.
Thank you so much for your comment here. It has verbalised for me what I have been suspecting but unable to put into words.
1. when im alone the only thing i want is to continue being alone and something to distract my mind.
2. everyone i care about already knows my hobbies and interests. I havn't touched most of them in years. (hobbies/interests not people i care about)
3. ive been trying to tell people im autistic for years, most show me a bit of pity then pretend like they never heard it. Repeat tellings usually result in them laughing it off or more recently getting called nuts by my mother then slapped several times (im 30) the few who actually understand/believe me all have their own mental issues they deal with.
My mask is too good, and ive worn it so long i dont know who I am anymore. My entire life is based around things that make me happy but in ways that dont make me look weird. My mask IS my life. I dont even know what to do with myself anymore, i go to work because i need money for food and rent, other then that all i want to do is space out on some biology or astrophysics till bed then wake up and repeat. Is it okay to be completely happy with nothing but a bedroom, bed, computer, and a job that pays the bills with a tiny bit of spending money? Should i even be asking if thats okay? All the shit i want to do its far to late in life for me to get started. I barely got my GED the third time round 8th grade, ive not had a gentle childhood and a lot of that revolved around school and its shit im still struggling to remember. Every few weeks some other part of my childhood comes back and its like i unlocked a section of memory ive never had before and its so vivid. Being in school was mental torture, 11 years of being completely bored out of my mind because i could read the textbook in an hour and understand most of it in a week. I cant go back to that.
And then theres memory problems. Im amazing at remembering strings of numbers, names take me weeks to learn, i can remember days and events from when i was 3 years old (confirmed by describing the face of a "friend of the family" that my personal family did not know and who died when i was 4 and i had only met once when i was 3, believe me i do not come to these realizations lightly.) BUT only if someone or something triggers that memory. When i was 10 years old i had an accident with my bicycle. I couldnt remember what happened or how badly i was injured just that i didnt go to the hospital but it was the worse pain i had felt. Last year i moved across the street from where it happened and after a week of staring at the spot in the road it came back to me crystal clear, every moment. The exactly movement the handlebars made, exactly what the bruise looked like (softball sized centered directly on my sternum, with a bloodlessly white circle of skin in the center where the weight of the entire bike landed on just the bare metal end of the handlebar. 20 years later...... you know i realize now ive gone off the rails a bit. Dont even remember what my point was...
I think "i have no idea whats wrong with me, i have more problems then i can count on my fingers and no idea how to go about figuring out what they are nevermind how to handle them and i give up. ive been fighting this shit and trauma and anxiety and so much more for so long i dont remember a life before i started pretending to be normal. (Fists and belts are very persuasive). SO i give up. Ill be a shut in for the rest of my life i dont care im just tired of fighting.
Thanks again Paul. You do so well at verbalizing the particulars of having Asperger's, especially why our problems can be so confusing. Aspies need and deserve self-liberation from over analyzing ourselves.
interesting thought that maybe we wouldn't be that analytical if the world would be more like us, as we would have needed to think that much to understand things and to fit in
curious if this is the case, or not
or the world would be just much more analytical in general if most people would be like us :)
@@martin-b-b
I was plenty analytical as a small kid. It didn't start to fuel pathology until I kept getting socially 'smacked' for not playing the game of 'human' correctly according to others.
This is so true. Paul has a way of unraveling what’s going on in our heads and showing it back to us in a way we can understand. It’s seriously such a gift.
this is such a nice advice. personally it really helps that im learning about autism now after being on a personal growth journey for quite a while because at this point I have already acquired a skill of dropping the parts of me that aren authentic, at the same time its so healing to learn that other parts are just how I am and dont need to be "healed" from but rather accepted
I am so very grateful to have a coworker friend at work who is an Aspie, and I am able to tell her all of my thoughts. She was the second person to tell me that she was sure that I have Aspergers; and said that I show more symptoms than she has.
your videos always express mine and other aspies expeirences so well. it's incredibly hard for me to verbalize my thoughts and emotions like that. and they allow me a resource to send a video instead of struggling and poorly explaining an expierence or struggle i have. thank you for doing what you do
Thank you for your videos - I have been going to therapists my whole life- but they really were not that helpful- you bring sincerity-and genuinely have care and compassion for the people you reach on your channel- it’s a little bit sad that some people get degrees and have a lot of fancy paper work on the walls but they can help as much as you have- it is just therapeutic to be able to relate to you and also what you talk about is very practical and rational and beneficial- so many times I have left office doctors appointments and thought to myself what a waste of time and look down at a written prescription for medication that the therapist prescribed me- what they lack in the therapy and help that you intrinsically have- they try to make up for it by medicating their patients - thank you and God bless- I look forward to your videos- thank you
Here here
My main thing is people see one character trait and classify me as that kind of person. I'm silly and bubbly? I can't be smart. I'm fit? I can't be smart. I'm political? I can't be smart. And if I'm smart that's all i am. I can't be smart and fit, i can't be smart and bubbly or fun. All through middle school and highschool my friends treated me like I was dumb or incompetent, and in class people who realized I was smart tried to be a fake suck up friend to get answers from me. It was clear i was being talked to like a child who was easily fooled. It was only when I got the boyfriend I have now thar i was respected no matter what personality I was. I could be silly and goofy but he would still take me seriously when I eas being serious. He gets me and loves me. It's from dating him thst i am finally learning to feel comfortable being myself again, and being myself infront of my friends (my good friends, not the jerks that treated me like I was stupid). I'm so grateful to have him, and to have found people who understand wjat I've been going through my whole life. These videos bring me to tears. I really appreciate them ❤️
You seem like you’ve gotten to understand yourself and how you manage in relationships. In my 60’s and just found out I’m Asperger’s and when it comes to dropping the mask…who am I? I’m lost to who my authentic self is.
I can so relate, Cynthia- I am also in my 60s, figuring out that what I believed was weirdness/brokenness is that I have autism . I am now trying desperately to know which parts of who I think I am are authentic and which are masks. The good news is we are now all finding each other and do not need to feel so alone in our journey. Channels like this connect us, help us educate ourselves and give us new directions in our quest to understand. Yes, we found out later in life which brings it’s own struggles. The reality for me is that this struggle is infinitely better than to try to continue to keep a mask up!
Best of luck, I will be rooting for you!
I can so relate to not knowing who I am. Autism, ADHD are all part of who I am, yet those close to me insist that all "labels" are bad. I don't know what I mask, but then I cannot take it off...
My mother is in the same position, having found out alongside me just recently. She's been struggling with her identity all her life, and it all just got even more confusing for her.
In my own experience, I feel uptight around people who are masking in any way. I pick up on their tension. So unmasking could produce better results for everyone involved.
I am just now coming to terms with the fact that I have autism and that every weird fact of my life can be easily explained in this light. But Im worried that autism itself may become another "mask". I dont want to hide behind my condition. I dont want it to become a definition of who I am. I dont know how to sort this out, the things that are beyond my control and I have to accept them as they are, and the things that I can and should actually change with some effort. Any tips to improve self knowledge will be appreciated. Thank you so much for these videos!
This is so wise! I have had self-doubt because all I've heard before was "unmask", but I've unmasked with a few trusted few. I like some of my mask as it allows me to function in society.
Ive been crying throughout this whole video. I really appreciate this, very very helpful
I just found your channel, and unmasking is a process I’ve just started with. Listening to you explain it in a way that is knowledgeable and understanding helped me sit with it in myself in a more positive and less impatient way, thank you!
My partner of 10 years was diagnosed with Aspergers a few days ago and I was diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago and so I’m trying SO HARD to watch these videos to learn strategies for effective communication and just more about what he has or may soon be going through but I’ve already had to restart this video twice because every time you say behind the mask or take off the mask I think of the movie The Mask where the psychiatrist on the tv talks about that same sort of thing and then before I know it I’ve missed what’s being said and I have no idea where I’m up to 😪
What if i have no idea who i am without a mask since ive had to learn to shut up and dont stand out my entire life?
This was so helpful. Just the other day (I was only recently disagnosed Aspie) I let myself consciously stim with a shaggy rubber ball toy for the first time in my life and I got full body tingles, like my insides were celebrating freedom for the first time. It was magical. I want to unmask and finally figure out who I really am :)
Tonight I will embrace the fact that I apparently do not get to sleep like I want, and I will draw whilst watching RUclips at 2:00AM instead of being frustrated. I will ignore that I’ll be a complete mess tomorrow and just try to be ok with having no energy almost ever. Hey, who knows, maybe letting go the need to sleep at normal times so I can “life” will make me less anxious about sleeping and then I will! One can hope.
I have weird sleeping and awake hours too. I'm more active at night and so not a morning person so I go to bed around 2-3 and wake up at 11. I've been maintaining this schedule for over 2 years and it really works for me. I understand that most jobs (9-5) can't accommodate this particular schedule so it may not be a viable solution for you, but finding some way to shift your schedule to take advantage of when you're most active (even if it's at night) really helped my overall happiness. I find ways to work around the schedule like doing errands and other "office hour" tasks in the "morning" which is about 12pm-3pm for me. After my husband goes to sleep around 10-11, that's when the house is quiet and I can get work done. I'm a quiet person so I have no problem with being so loud, I may wake him up. Anyways, the point of this rambling is to tell you that, if you don't work with the sleeping schedule that everyone else uses, make your own. It may take some adjustments to find ways to make everything work, but it really does make life better when you're not trying to force yourself to fit the mold of the masses.
@@ashboehnlein8326 thanks! Yes, I have been considering this option for awhile. It really interferes with a couple things, but since I sleep so poorly those things are interfered with most of the time anyway. So, I’ll probably try this.
It does make me concerned because I’ll be missing daylight because of issues with SAD and I really do like the occasional early moring watching the sunrise kinda thing and I wish I could be up with my kids for school. But… ugh… I guess this might just be one of the many things it turns out I “can’t do” because of the autism/adhd issues I’m discovering since my Dx. And if I end up feeling better overall then I guess those might not feel like too big an expense for what I get back. Certainly worth trying anyway.
I know this is from two years ago but I'm in your exact experience 😭 you helped me feel a little better about it.
Did the first two on my own. The third one was done for me, gradually, over the course of 10+ years. I didn't have the strength or knowledge to do it on my own, and thankfully someone recognized that and took control. I'm still struggling, but I feel I'm closer to the better side of healing than the wrong side of sabotage.
I'm very comfortable with myself when I'm on my own, but I really struggle with desperately hiding most of myself socially. I just came out to a coworker whom I've become very good friends with over the last year. And afterwards I was SO stressed out for a full 24 hours, and a few days later I'm still really stressed out by it, even though I knew he wouldn't judge me, and he didn't, and he really reacted so so amazingly and didn't get weird about it at all. It's still so scary. But I'm glad I did it. This is something I've hidden for so long, I've never even discussed it with my partner of 16 years. I was diagnosed at 11.
I find this so difficult. I used to unmask more at home, but now my teenagers are extremely judgy and embarrassed, to the point that they’ll tell me to stop X behavior. So even at home I can’t unmask, and I’m almost never alone.
Ooof
Just wait until they sleep... seriously, as a teenager I had to save some of my stims for when my younger sister was asleep
I think there's something generally applicable to these tips for people with self-esteem problems or social anxiety.
I remember at one point telling a friend that I was looking at a bottle of nail polish and I thought I wanted to use it, but idk if I like it.i would never have worn it before, because the people I used to hang out with would've made fun of me. He told me to put it on and see how I feel about it. I spent months after that trying on anything that caught my eye and seeing how I feel when I wear them. I finally found my personal style without anyone else's influence. It felt amazing.
I've been having to learn how to get rid of the mask. Especially now that it has been cracking and I can't keep it up anymore. It's been a hard learning curve, and I admit, not everyone has been understanding.
I struggle with masking to the point I do it even when I am on my own I am trying to find specific psychological help delving through the literature to see if there is a specific treatment that helps put me in the right path to do so but it's hard to find info. Thinking of asking my counselor for advice on what kind of stuff is out their as I fee like I cannot really do it on my own and that I need someone to help guide me actually being me even if it's just on my own again when it comes to my physical expression with ADHD and possible Autism (Not diagnosed for Autism but have been with ADHD but mum and two sisters all are ADHD and autism so I am aware it's likely that I do)
This is so powerful. Thank you. You should write a book on this, and add in a workbook for reflection!
I really appreciate the step-by-step process fully explained here. Thank you. Of course it's easier said than done, but knowing is half the battle.
Thanks for your sensitivity in this presentation. Your approach is so helpful after the hobnail boots that neurotypical reality presents us with sometimes.....
Very relevant to me, diagnosed Autistic in June this year, at age 47. New ground
Thank you for this, I really appricate. I got my nerodivergent diagnosis not long ago. I never knew how far my masking had gone. I thought this was normal. Thank you. im trying to learn
Oooo, I like the term “filter” ! And also this is a lot of great advice , and not just concerning autism, but everyone’s authentic self!
Thank you so much! After watching this video it makes a bit more sense. I couldn't understand the bit where for example you do some behavior in public like strange sounding laughter or very loud voice or keep kick the door and your parents tell you this is not good to do so you just learn it and don't do it. I struggled to understand why you just won't learn not to do something or do it differently and move on, like learning at school. Why you would still want to do it and this is your true self and you will need to put a mask in order to be accepted or make good impression. In my lifetime I have been told off for a lot of behaviors and just learn and don't think at all this is not my true self. Sometimes later in life I think wow I don't know why I would have wanted to do that at all?! But I understand a bit more now that in autism some behavior is just triggered like by sound and the person can't help it sort of. Thank you!
Thank you for your videos, I learn a lot from them. As I have nevrodivergent persons, recently diagnosed, ADHD, in myfamily, with this background I have been looking up videoes and books about ADHD and ASD lately. I have discovered that there are obvious traits of autisme in many in the family, included myself. I am 70, I do not plan going for a full examination of several reasons. Anyway I find a lot of good information here, very useful for me, to understand myself and others around me. Also I enjoy the way the information is presented, the way to formulate and prononce give extra satisfaction. Greetings from Norway.
Thank you very much Paul, you are such help to many people. (I also like very much the colours of your text in the video, it is so pleasant to read it).
I'm not even sure who i am anymore, i've just built this personality of things that people expect from me. Masking is really tiresome sometimes, just making everybody happy. It's hard in the university where you are under so much expectation from people, often with conflicting interests. Doesn't help that i kind of built my personality around being smart.
"Is the real me inadequate" hit so hard. Thanks for this video.
Shrooms help me drop my filter. I feel more human and normal. Thank you for you tips, I will try using them instead of resorting to mother natures produce.
2:30 I stopped wondering decades ago. I’m pretty sure that my current me is shockingly different than what would have developed without trauma
Can I ask how?
Just wow! Thank you for this video. You said some things that really changed my perspective. I am working on unmasking after wearing my mask 24 seven for about 30 years and it is extremely hard and has left me confused about how to feel and like I said, you gave me a new perspective so thank you
I unmasked but was asked to put my mask back on or leave.
FILTER! Yes! Yes!Yes!
Ie: “Because I do not have an intellectual deficit that impeded my ability in adolescence to observe and learn ALLISTIC social norms, I FILTER through my natural and my adapted behaviors to present myself in a manner that is most consistent with the norms for each setting and/or group of people.”
Thank you! I have been trying to find better phrasing for my 50yr old, undiagnosed, in denial (because his friend…given no context or examples “doesn’t see it”) husband.
I noticed hubs was especially sensitive to the word ‘masking’…I feel he interprets as being deceptive/manipulative rather than what everyone does to ‘put their best foot forward’.
I am not a fan of referring to myself as ‘typical’ and hubs as ‘diverse’, and I know he hears ‘defective’. I have begun using Allistic Population and Autistic Population. 😅
A wonderful video. Thankyou
I think one way of organizing and opening up to different people and places in the world gradually in the three stages is to look at the bioecological model, which was adapted from ecological systems theory about genes and ecological interactions. When we put on a mask and take it off on our own we operate in our own environment where we only affect ourselves, such as our happy place from childhood or wherever we feel comfortable. When we expand towards other individuals we operate in environments such as work, school, and community where we have direct one-to-one contact with others. When we move more outwards into the world we enter the exosystem environment where we don't have direct contacts but things such as mass media propaganda still affect us, this allows others to see our true perspectives and behaviors. Going beyond takes us into culture and politics. Another way of making sense of all this is to consider whether we are physical realists or on the extreme end psychological idealists. However, I think the best and healthiest way that Paul seems to be suggesting is to take the middle approach as a social constructivist where we wear the mask according to the situation by not taking people and everything that goes on in the world too seriously or personally. Above all, I think mutual trust and understanding between individuals is important if they are going to take off their own masks and be honest about giving honest advice to those that also unmask themselves.
There have been a few channels on autism and ADHD where some videos talk about masking and the first time I watched it, I remember thinking, "Ohhhh. I don't know how to do that." I think the closest I can get to masking is saying nothing at all
I want so bad to be free just live life you know? Wanting to unmask and actually doing it is so difficult I didn't know where to start! I will be trying these tips!💖
I began watching your videos last week. I just wanted to say THANK YOU so much. I really needed to see these videos. Thank you.
@Fatima Mustapha mala screw off. I don't need to be "cured" and that's a lie anyhow
Today I posted a snippet of your video on burnout to my Instagram story. I made sure to share your RUclips channel. I was so nervous. It was 5 second but to let my friends know I'm going through burn out is big. I also made a new Instagram, separate from my business persona. It felt like an extension of the mask. The new one has made me pretty happy. It's still private and I only added 10 friends 😅 gradually.
Currently having a serious identity crisis because of masking
Have you just realized how very little you actually know about yourself? Something else?
I thought I’d learned ‘enough’, but have only recently come to realize (after recently discovering my Autistic Awesomeness) there are many things, many, still left to discover.
Holy crap, i resonated with this. I'm the same way, except ive had an identity crisis my whole life.
I feel like you know me, its incredible. Thanks for your help! ❤️
Thank you for making chapters in your videos
Thank you. The most helpful video yet.
Very useful information and presented beautifully. Thank you.
I appreciate you spending all your efforts.
This is so good I was gonna be skeptical
Great topic which I found really helpful, explained with empathy. Thank you 🙏
ok, but how do i even start with phase 1? i don't even drop it when I'm alone, i haven't unmasked for a second in 15 years and now unable to recover from a burnout even though i completely withdrew to my room for months now. i don't stim like i used to as a kid, i no longer have any special interests because its easier not to talk about them if you don't have any, i script basically all the time and now that I'm aware of it it drives me mad, i no longer look in mirrors because i noticed i always end up checking my own expressions. it is all so ingrained in me that i can't stop even when alone and I'm so tired of doing it that i can barely wake up in the morning
Super helpful. The first step will be the hardest, i think!
i think i also mask in front of myself, so it's hard to really know what real self is like. it's like, not only do i feel inadequate in front of others, i feel inadequate in front of myself, like "this isn't who i want to be" or something.
and sometimes my "masking" is just actually delayed echolalia or mimicking, because that's just how i learn to socialize and behave.