my autistic unmasking journey is confusing... here's why.
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- Опубликовано: 6 фев 2025
- This is part 5 of a series of raw and honest videos that I shoot as a video diary for myself whilst navigating my late diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder at 30. I decided to share these raw and honest videos because I hope they help someone else going through the process of late-diagnosis to feel less alone. Please share this video with your networks of fellow late-diagnosed friends and feel free to leave a comment if it resonates with you - I would love to hear your story too!
Sending you love
Charlie xxx
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Welcome! I'm Charlie. I spent 30 years creating a life I thought was expected of me. Eventually I burned out, quit my job & discovered I am autistic. Now I am looking forward to creating a new life on my own terms, and sharing it with you through this channel. I hope to simply be me. This is my journey, rewilding.
What is 'rewilding'? I explain in my first video here: • Rediscovering myself a...
Masking has not brought me good things in my life: it has created situations where people think I can do things that I can’t, that I want/like things that I don’t, that I consent for things to happen which I do not, and that I am happy when I am not. Most of all it has prevented anyone knowing me properly.
This. I’m never heard my own experience articulated so clearly from anyone else.
@@ashleysmith792 ❤️
Yep. Years of masking left me with a feeling of living a wasted life. I stopped masking. I lost a lot of friends and i am alone most days but at least it's an authentic life now.
Relate to this. It feels like I give way to much to those who give very little or those who drain me.
Same, it brought me depression and PTSD. Unmasking made people make rude and very mean comments/remarks and I lost “friends”
Don’t have friends anymore but I actually feel relieved and am deconstructing my life trying to find my real self after having worn sooo many masks and personas for years.
Hang in there autistic friends ❤
In my experience, there are two types of masking. One is the conscious mask - I can feel this as a change in mindset when I'm talking to some (most) people when there's a conversation that's not going according to plan. My strategy for unmasking in that case is to simply end the conversation at that point (like most autistic folk, I have scripts for that...). The long-term result of that is masking becomes less and less a feature, proportionally, of my interactions with people...and so I'm gradually losing the habit.
The other type of masking is much, much harder to stop - everything you learned before you became self-aware (ie as a child). For those of us who learned to mask early (and therefore were diagnosed late), that's _insanely_ hard to do, because those things are so tightly integrated with our sense of self that we can't separate ourselves from them. My current approach is in conjunction with my wife, where "home" is effectively my safe, dark place where there are no circumstances where I _need_ those things. Work in progress, that.
You should bear in mind that it's OK to mask - it's even necessary, to get the results you want in the world. To my mind, the process of unmasking isn't throwing the mask away, but rather reserving it for those times when it's genuinely useful (be it to achieve a particular result, to get out of a really awkward situation, or to avoid upsetting someone you care about).
Thank you for sharing, it's valuable to hear your experience 🙏 I agree it's ok to mask & helps in many ways in many situations. For me the confusion comes from knowing this, but also being hesitant to mask so much because of its contribution to burnout as I mentioned in the video (and also come to think of it other hnhealthy habits like people pleasing). Its a case of unpicking these things over time to find somewhat of a balance that works I think.
@@charlierewilding - ah yes, that's the trick. Over time, that hesitancy will probably turn into an explicit (internal) question - "Am I willing to sacrifice a spoon or two to get this done?" - and just fine-tuning your process for getting in/out of it.
I tend to prepare in advance (my world's carefully constructed so I can usually do this fairly reliably - I'm in my mid 40s, so I don't have a lot of the social pressures of 20s and early 30s), so I can predict with about 80% accuracy when I'm going to need to mask beyond the point where recharging will be required, and thus plan in some recovery time afterwards. It helps that my wife is _incredibly_ understanding about it - for example, she knows that our weekly/monthly shops are exhausting from a masking and sensory perspective, so she knows I'm not going to be able to help pack it away when we get home. She also keeps an eye on me when we're out socially, and will almost always step in so I have a chance to escape rather than mask past the point of no return.
Unfortunately, there's no getting around the fact that we need our partners' help when other people are involved. I honestly have no idea how single autistic folk manage.
That is such a good point! Having a good partner helps so much.
@@digiscream This is incredibly reassuring and helpful, thank you! You're right - having a partner, and even more-so an understanding and supportive one, is such a blessing.
@@charlierewilding What would be great is if you did a video where you (being in your comfort zone, at home) consciously (as much as possible) be as much yourself as possible. Let go of the structured thinking and the idea that you need to appear a certain way in front of the camera. This helped me even before I was diagnosed.
I also practice this at my doctor's appointments (minus the neccessary social niceties.)
I hope this makes sense, doesn't come off as invalidating your struggles (because I understand, and am going through this too right now), and doesn't come across as insensitive.
I hear what you're saying. As eager as I am to be fully me, I have a fundamental and pervasive mistrust of my own mind. I look forward to hearing how you tackle that struggle.
'mistrust of my own mind' - yes, that's it!
Just talked with my therapist about this, have 100% the same problem. Am not able sometimes to judge my own behavior and impressions (e.g. am I egoistic requiring others to "shut up" and leave me alone in an argument when having a meltdown?), doubting myself and my needs as a consequence. The answer of my therapist: you are the sole source of thruth for you, every need you feel is 100% valid, not doubtable or negotiable. Its 100% real and true. Letting that sink in gave me so much power and trust in myself. For the example it means it is 100% correct and ok to have the need to be left alone on meltdown - independent of the situation. Every human has the right to draw a border and be left alone. If that is not respected when expressed or communicated (by whatever means), its abusive, a violation of personal boundaries. All the best to you!
I can relate so so much! The only thing so far that helped me to get a bit better at figuring this out is 1. Asking myself: do I think I should think this? Is this something I think I should xyz… or am I actually thinking this? 2. The less stressed my nervous systems feels, the bigger the chance to catch myself…. I mean, thoughts are so fast and this auto-micro-censoring runs on steroids 😂
You are not your mind. Meditation teaches us this. You are Consciousness. No ones mind is trust-worthy. Who you are will spontaneously arise when you are free from over-thinking and fear-based behavior modification.
Hi friends, I hope you're doing well? Another personal update on my autism diagnosis journey this week all about the confusing thing that is unmasking after a diagnosis (whether self or formal). I hope this provides some solidarity if you're also feeling a little confused by it all. Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences too, if you're comfortable sharing. Sending much love, keep being you ❤
I wish there were some examples. Examples help me alot. All of this feels so vague at the moment, although I know its a process I have been going through for the past 3 years, couldn't it also be called individuation? Or de-conditioning?
Also, it would be cool to hear what advice the therapist gives, I don't have one, no health insurance atm.
I was recently diagnosed, and I thought I was high-masking. But the diagnosis process brought self-awareness to things I hadn’t noticed before, like how I look away from someone when I speak, but maintain intense eye contact when the other person is talking. So the awareness is almost making me try to mask more and not less, lol!
I do this same thing. I have to look at the side of their face or something - I get too distracted trying to act "normal" in terms of body language and eye contact to also think about what I want to say and how to communicate it so that the other person will understand. At least on Zoom calls and things like that, I can tab out so I don't have to be distracted by looking at people.
Funny you say that. I can't process my response to open ended questions if I am looking at the person. I realized I did that in an interview 6 years ago. I Noticed I do that with my doctor. I think because I am older at 52, that some traits seem to be surfacing more now.
I'm commenting as a newly self-diagnosed person who resonates, but also because you have 99 comments and I really want to make it 100!
I have just been diagnosed within the last month. I have never even contemplated until now that Autism is one of my special interests. All i do is research it and info dump on people but you have made me realise it is an interest. You are awesome and are helping a very newly diagnosed autisitic 32 year old
Thank you so much for this open, honest video! Communities/society are typically setup by and for neurotypical people. The subconscious masking will mostly appear because we've grown up and lived in this "hostile" environment. 😢 I hope your journey is continuing well. ❤
What you said about getting in sticky situations and not being safe hit home hard. I am 62 years old, never diagnosed (self diagnosed in October 2023), and by this time in life, there is no one left but predators. I still don't recognize them until it is too late. They come in the way of "support" or "help" but they mean to do neither.
I so related to your comments on not knowing where your mask begins and ends. It is something I am also struggling with. As I unmask I can sense it is a hard process for friends and family who have known me in a different way.
Exhausting is exactly the word. ❤
It is so sad to me that children who are diagnosed young now, get help, they can be themselves and seem to be accepted that way. I have tried to fit in and did what was acceptable to everyone else.... in the process my health is down the drain, I am burned out, I have really no idea who I actually am, and if I show bits of myself I find, it's unacceptable 😢. Not fair....
I just found this video. I'm a good bit older than you, and I'm not diagnosed yet, but wow is this spot on. Thank you. I might actually share this one with a friend or two so they can understand what's going on with me.
I’m being diagnosed, along with gifted mind and severe ADHD. I’m just starting my unmasking as well. Just want to send you my love ❤
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This is so relatable to me. I think I’m going through autistic burnout myself right now. Some days feel like breakthroughs that I fail to capitalise on. Other days feel like… nothingness, mostly. A waste of my time. There’s still a lot of ways I need to unmask. I feel like I’m fooling myself and others, by not pursuing things I really want. I am ‘playing things safe’ perhaps. And after a uni course that didn’t suit me, I’ll be attending another one, even though I lost faith that university is a suitable form of education for me. And I’ve only more recently found a creative writing study. I haven’t been able to attend open days, but it sounds like such fun. I had fun on open days at uni, but the courses there… they seem interesting, but they’re no interests of mine. Not passions. Writing for me is an autistic special interest. And I think part of unmasking is trying to let those around me know just how intense those interests really are. I feel like others wouldn’t understand. Can any of you really put your mind to things you aren’t enthralled by for long? I can’t. I mean, I was kind of able to in high school, but there, I didn’t choose my courses. The motivation there was to graduate. And that’s not the same kind of motivation you can muster now. As the new school year is approaching… I just feel no excitement towards that uni study. Only dread and anxiety. That I’ll once again not fit in. That the course will once again not suit me. I guess I still am in autistic burnout. I think I have been for like… nine months now. It’s draining, which leads me to do so little and then I get upset of myself for doing too little even if the energy isn’t really there.
Hey I'm a bit late but I just want say that I related a lot to your situation in the past! In 2021 I graduated from a degree in English Literature, but my passion was really music; I reconnected with this passion in late 2019/early 2020 after stumbling upon an unconventional genre of music I'd had no idea existed before - so, right before my third year. I didn't listen to myself. I knew, 'I'm not enjoying this', but I still went ahead and took the easier 'safe' path. I regret it, have regretted it so hard, and yet I don't regret it entirely. For one, I learned from this experience how to tell what I really want from what I don't want; and that listening to my gut is so important. My gut knows, and from this point on I'm going to give it a lot more credit than I ever did before. I'm several months out of a subeditor job now, which completely burned me out from the 6-month mark in. I felt utterly joyless while in it, but I stayed with it for the 6 months after that, sinking even further into a dark hole.. I'm lucky because I have a partner who (suffering burnout too) was willing to embark on an (unpaid) gap year together to recover. We're currently still in that. And my oh my! - have my true desires and passions become so much clearer, I can't even express..! I'm still confused ofc, but now it's like seeing a few beacons of light on the horizon, where before there was just pitch-black night. I guess I just want to share with you the importance of following your gut, if it's communicating with you. If you don't know yet how to listen to it, then learn. It's so rewarding. You know what you want. No one else can. That sounds shallow, like all the life-guru advice out there, but it is a strangely simple truth. Going off the safe path is scary, but then you must ask yourself if you're willing to sustain that decreased joy/sense of fulfilment/quality of life for the rest of your life... In my case, I came to a big 'no'. If it's the same for you, I guess I just wanted to share this in the hope it could give you some validation on whatever next step you take. I don't often write such long comments to people I don't know, but I related a lot with your story, even how you wrote your comment. Good luck!
Just now trying to start unmasking
It’s so intricate - behaviors, thoughts, worldview
Hopefully slowly but surely getting better
I was speaking to Samaritans earlier today and they also asked me what a diagnosis of ASD would mean to me. I agree with you that the freedom to be able to mask is definitely true. I also told them that a diagnosis for me would mean like a flag that I can fly for others to understand without requiring my effort to let them know of my needs as well as legal protection such as work because employers don't seem to really care. My masking involved my lifelong obsession with a role model who is no longer around which took off my mask so to speak so I found spirituality and meditation useful. I modeled myself on others as a way of masking which made me survive but not like neurotypicals. Also following the steps of communicating with others doesn't always stick with me and it reveals the true me when I can no longer do it and people expect me to continue acting neurotypical. Unmasking sounds interesting. Earlier today I became a victim of bullying in the street. I found my hat a good cover to avoid eye contact and move on. My hat is a form of masking as well but I found it difficult to unmask it by taking it off because it was frightening to reveal my true self to others. It is also a fact that I had to learn painfully from mistakes in the past on other platforms of social media.
I do think that's an important thing to consider, as anybody who is at a point where they get to choose whether to pursue the diagnosis or not is technically functioning to some extent. Personally, I'm getting reevaluated because there's been so much more information out there that wasn't out there 15 years ago when I was originally evaluated. There's still not much available that requires a diagnosis, as much of it is community created, but having the stamp of approval does allow for more accurate estimates of the level of need and does make it harder to justify the feelings of being an imposter.
I worked at a company that specializes in hiring people with disabilities. They treated me worse than any regular job ever has. Be careful, I went back to masking because a woman with ridiculous anger problems is tolerable but a woman with autism is dispensable.
Your video Just made my days a little bit easier. This Topič when to unmask, and how much to unmask around the people you love that they Will accept you and on the other side you Will still fill accepted and love. It's a f... mess and really energy draining. But its always good to know that there is always light at the end of the tunnel aka a lesson😊
Ditto... especially the part about family.... streeesssssssssssssssssss!
I relate strongly to basically everything you’re sharing. Feeling seen. Got diagnosed about 8 months ago at 26. I hope we figure this out with some more time and self-compassion! 🙏
I believe in us Nelly :)
Thank you so much for sharing this video! I haven’t been officially diagnosed yet and am currently in the process of seeking an autism assessment, but the more research I’ve done through others’ shared stories and sites online, the more confident I’ve become in the fact that I am autistic. I’ve shared some of my experience with my parents, roommate and my partner, but it’s been difficult for me to since none of them really know a lot about autism and it’s been hard for me to sum up my experience. It’s also caused me a lot of anxiety when it comes to my process of unmasking. I don’t think I’ve really learned how to be as good at masking as other autistic people are, but I’ve learned enough to get to get by in a neurotypical world and to get to where I am now. Although I really want to unmask and I know it’s important for my well-being as an autistic person, I also find a lot of my personal identity and a sense of security behind my mask. My partner and all of my close friends know me for who I am with my mask. I graduated high school and college and also got my first full-time job with my mask. I don’t even know how I would change if I learned to unmask, which is incredibly scary as well. When you mentioned you were worried about loosing friends and others close to you, you literally took the words right out of my brain! Sorry for probably oversharing, but I’m so glad you have this channel, you’ve made me feel less alone and I’m sure you are helping countless others through their own autistic self-discovery journeys! :)
I'm so happy you enjoy my videos and find them helpful Faith! Thank you for watching and sharing a bit about your journey too. I am wishing you all the best with your autism assesment - I really hope it's a validating experience for you ❤
This might sound weird but I’m sure we used to chat a while ago when you posted more art content on instagram, and I’m so pleased to have found your channel again. I was diagnosed autistic aged 25, am now 28 and it is only really just hitting that I am autistic. Those around me just see the mask (and have only ever seen the mask) so don’t really understand the huge impact of daily life in a neurotypical world on my energy levels and how much effort has to go into living! I wanted to shout an echo of yes when you said you don’t know what is you and what is the masks because that is exactly the point I am at, it can be so hard and when we learn what are common autistic traits, I don’t know about you but because I have spent my life mimicking neurotypicals, I don’t want to go down the path of mimicking autistic traits either! I suppose the journey of determining autistic traits but also the finding yourself part too will be lifelong/a long one because we are (frustratingly) ever changing (even though, for me personally again I don’t know about anybody else, I like to think I am not!). I have loved seeing your content, it is giving me a lot to ponder. Today after work I had my first nap and let myself rest, inspired by you. I hope to be able to manage more like that, thank you 🙂
The thing I'm struggling with is that the word autism has been thrown around alot throughout my life, during childhood it was in the context of "she shows a lot of symptoms but she's a girl, so she'll grow out of it." It was used as a slur against me during my teens, and suggested to me by some professionals during teen and adult years, but I straight up rejected it, with force. I threw myself into the intensely damaging persuit of "proving" I wasnt autistic, even though deep down I've known all along that I was. I've given myself PTSD through situations I've thrown myself into just because it seemed like the opposite of what an autistic person would do, and associated with some very unsavoury people throughout that. I suppose masking was a special interest, and I honestly sucked at it lol. I feel a lot of guilt for the level of ableism I've had inside me throughout my life. I'm in the process of getting diagnosed now, and in the meantime, having some self-acceptance of my autistic identity. Self-compassion is important for our healing.
I love listening to you speak! I can almost feel how cathartic it is 🕊
How lovely! I hope this shed a bit of light on your question about unmasking :)
Thank you so much for continued insights into your journey!! I’ve been thinking about pursuing a diagnosis so that others can take my self-diagnosis seriously… It’s a lot, though- I’m not any different, but it’s like the world has flipped right-side up, and I’m trying to get used to it. Anyway, best of luck as you move forward ❤❤
I - also being an Asperger (female) - personally believe that we feel more and more the need to ask in general (not only autistic people) because we leave are actual families to go out in the world to find new social circles and families with other sets of behaviours and ways of communicating that we try to adapt to. The rise of social media has made this even worse. Thinking an writing this makes me miss my family so much, I wish we were the way used to be, i just miss them so much
I had no clue what masking was to start with and I'm still learning because I mask so heavily - I don't even see it. Every now and then the veil comes down and I am startled. I thought I was fairly authentic, self aware, etc. but this is a whole other level. Unmasking can be dangerous. It is protective and hides 'weirdness'. It can also be difficult. Also, I have found it isn't always a choice. Once I became aware of masking, sometimes things just 'slip out', like my unconscious says: "Phew, this is so exhausting, I can 'let go' now!" I am trying to be gentle with myself.
Your channel is the most cathartic for me, you are so open it really helps. I must have a similar ASD profile.
This is so relatable. You're somewhat fortunate in that you were evaluated recently. I was evaluated for the first time about 15 years ago, and it wasn't until recently that I've realized that the evaluator was hinting, in a not so subtle way, that I should get the other diagnoses evaluated and then try again because I'm definitely autistic. These days, there's much more awareness of what autism actually looks like for those that weren't diagnosed or identified earlier.
In a sense, it's a bit easier for me because autism is less stigmatized that schizoaffective is, but it's still difficult. And I only got one friend, and his mother was a practicing psychologist before she retired.
I have just had my diagnosis. I feel exactly how you feel.
@soulTraveller144I am, I was on the waiting list for my assessment for two years and 2 months. I live in Cornwall for reference. If you’ve been on the waiting list this long and haven’t heard anything from them I highly recommend getting in touch with your local adult autism assessment team, they’re the ones that will be doing your assessment and they should definitely have been in contact by now. Mine contacted me a couple of months before I was near the top of the waiting list, to tell me that I was at the top of the waiting list. I hope you can get your assessment soon. It’s so important. It’s freeing for your mind. Much love
@soulTraveller144Also I also will ask if you have moved in the last couple of years, or changed your email address or phone number? When I moved house one of the first things I did was write the adult autism assessment team an email to tell them my new address incase they needed to contact me. But I do think you need to send them an email at least to find out what’s going on.
Thank you for this raw and honest chat about masking! I'm embarking on a very similar path. Just diagnosed with autism prior to Christmas. I know I've been masking with eye contact, but don't really know how else I've been masking. Just hearing another woman talk about similar challenging and confronting issues is really reassuring and comforting. I'd imagine it takes courage to share your story so openly, so I'm grateful for that. Oh I bought the book Divergent Minds and gave some loop ear plugs a go based on one of your other videos. Blessings, Georgina 💛🦉🌻
Hi Georgina, I'm pleased my recommendations are coming in handy! I hope you're doing ok, I know how confusing and overwhelming the first few months after diagnosis can be ❤ I too was not sure how I was masking at the outset, and I'm still working it out, but it does start to make sense organically over time as our brains process the new information about ourselves we are receiving. Know that you, and I, are valid just as we are in this moment ❤
Thank you for your reply! :) 💛💛💛
I have thoughts about the feeling unsafe to disclose to people because they might use it against me thing.
I worried about this too. My main worry is physical safety as a small bodied female, but I worry less about my loved ones. I think this is because when I am connected to my body, I can tell when something is off. Even if I can't really put my finger on what it is, I have never been wrong about someone when I've trusted my gut.
I hope I can learn to do this again. Somatic therapy is sorely needed.
Great topic, and one I’ve been thinking about for months now. There’s a lot to learn and process on this subject.
Totally. It's a real slow burner.
Definitely not alone!
Thank you so much for sharing all that you do. You have been such a huge part of me pursuing my assessment. I cant express how helpful you have been.
🥹❤️ all I hope for is to help others in situations similar to me, so I'm so happy to receive your comment. I hope your assessment process is a validating experience.
I am going through the unmasking process too, masking is not worth it for me, but it is a long process to find out how to unmask as a 31 year old after unconsciously masking. I have made a sensory scale of all my sensory triggers and a food diary to recognize my food sensory triggers. I have found it very useful to have something measurable to track what a good day intail and how I actively can make more good days and when to recognize I have reached my limit. 😊
I hope you find peace.
Thank you for sharing. It's a bit strange but I find myself identifying with how you describe your masking even if I don't have autism or adhd. I realize that I've been doing my own version of masking for a long time to hide how much I was struggling with my mental heath because of trauma, ptsd and burnout so that I could pretend to the people around me at work or when I saw my family (I live alone... no masking with my dog haha!) that I was doing ok. I was in survival mode and didn't want to worry them... also I think because I didn't know how to explain what was going on because I didn't even fully understand it. Very interesting!
I recognize everything in this video. It's a difficult process.
Dear Charlie, thank you for your Video. Again you've helped me a lot with your words, I am curently going through the same problem, but couldn't find the words to describe how I feel. For my frinds and Family it is hard to understand whats going on and I can't communicate back, but I am sure, that the people, who love you will stay with you even If you "go weird" and demask. Thank you for helping all of us with that. Have a nice day and have a great bath ❤️ BW Meike
Thank you for watching & sharing Meike. We'll get there. 🙏❤️
Same thing. What is me and what is my mask. I have helped friends with problems with family and relationships, divorve and stuff like that.. I am very good at getting to the root of a problem. Even in relationships and psychology. But I somehow absorb the emotions involved. And they stick to me. And I need a lot of time to proces. And suddenly I cant do the most simple things any more and feel completely drained.
I was recently diagnosed with autism and adhd. I can't tell what is masked and what isn't.
It's difficult because most likely your mind didn't consider your home to be a safe place when you were young. Therefore a lot less points of reference
As someone who also feels that I go through life masking, I have thought it must be that we feel we maybe living a double life and not knowing that other self. Agreed we wonder if those around us just know our masked self.
i understand completely...are there any physical things you've learned not to do around others but that you've caught yourself doing if stressed? i'm learning myself and just starting to absorb more and more info on autism and i agree the masking part was hard for me to think about but i did identify physical things i do like pinch or flick my fingertips which i still do as an adult and have caught myself doing at work and then try to stop or hide it. also when i was young, i would lightly hit myself on the arms and legs which i learned not to do in front of anyone bc of the very strong reaction ppl had when i did it especially as i got older and older. but to start the "mask identification process" i've started doing that again and i find it's easy for me to like it even if i've somewhat outgrown it, i find that the repetitive motion and the physical stimulus i'm giving myself is somewhat calming or hypnotic which seems to me to be in line with autism. my reasoning is that if i try to resurrect things i've learned not to do, it may serve as a gateway into even more advanced masking that i might be doing. also i just realized this is an old video, you may no longer be at this stage anymore lol
I wonder if just not always smiling for so long when socializing would help? Not always making others feel comfortable etc. Like when the mask falls off its time to be tired and leave.
I feel like I'll be made fun of if I unmask. I'm worried people will think I'm pretending to be autistic if I let it all hang out so to speak. They believe the mask so much, as do I and to suddenly "act autistic " will be seen as the act and not the mask.
OMG right!? I have allowed my excited AuDHD body movements to be expressed more at home -- jumping, dancing, making excited squeals, sounds, echolalia. If I did that publicly, I think that people would either assume I was 'pretending', or that I was bonkers! Sometimes I think *I'm* pretending, I mask so heavily! Then it quickly turns to imposter syndrome. However, I have now heard a number of therapists saying that NT people don't even have to think about this, because they just don't do it. It's rare that NT people *mistakenly* think they are Autistic.
The good news is neurotypicals mask too. It could be argued that small talk is masking, for example.
Can you explain a bit more what you mean when you say that it’s a privilege to be able to mask? Thank you 🙏🏻
Not wanting to speak for Charlie as I’m sure she’ll have her own thoughts but for me, as someone who is excellent at masking it means I pass as neurotypical completely and am therefore not discriminated against in the work place or in social situations for instance!
@@notesfrommybookshelf Yes, this! Externally I think I pass as a NT person in most situations so I haven't experienced overt discrimination or bullying. It doesn't mean I have not experienced difficulties in NT settings because I was undiagnosed ND (I have), but it does mean that I can more easily fly under the radar than those who cannot mask and therefore are more visibly 'different'. Whilst masking comes at a big cost (burnout, loss of identity etc), in a NT society it does also bring these privileges.
@@charlierewilding Thank you both for your answers! I’m undiagnosed and cannot tell with certainty that I’m autistic but I tend to see myself as a high masking person. I know that I’ve always been adapting my personality in any social situation. As a result everyone like me and see me as a - maybe - a little bit special but very kind person and I have been praised for my ability to speak with and make everyone feel comfortable. I’m now 32 and I’ve finally realised recently that it is actually ok not to be liked by someone and not be trying pleasing every single person on this earth. Until now I only saw the dark side of masking: I don’t have any idea who I’m and I feel stuck in life for this reason. On the top of that I also have realised that I’ve been constantly masking the fact that I have no glue of what I want in life because people for any reason don’t like to see someone not being able to express opinions. Masking my own mask is exhausting. With your comments I see now another side of masking, thanks for that!
By sharing this, you're helping every viewer in a similar situation with their process also, providing so many inputs and thoughts to latch on bringing us further in our processes too - its super helpful, high impact and brings an enormous insight for NT's to our processes, that many of us cant formulate like you can, thanks so much for that! :)
[Its gotten long, but here is my personal take on the topic as part of my process (if anyone is curious)]
Also 6:20, My opinion is its not "just" your body & brain "thinking" its protecting you - unveiling unmasked self, unveiling being autistic is a vulnerability. Not being able to do what everyone else does effortlessly is a disadvantage and can be taken advantage of. Its the most natural thing to happen to mask because of this, to not stick out as a complete odity. Its a reflex to turn it on because of that I think, a reflex of self protection. Its a huge privilege being able to, as you said also because of that. And being able to turn it off in settings one feels comfortable surely is key to our wellbeing (because it costs tons of energy & simply is not part of us directly, rather as a mechanism of its own)
I'm not that far in my process regarding masking, but I think it will be almost inevitable to "turn it off" - it is now a part of me that I'll have to accept to be happy instead of fighting it constantly. I'm actually not sure if there is anything "without" the mask. I feel my mask is like a collage of pieces, everyone of which I've picked up from someone else or situations. Its like water insect larvae covering themselves in tiny pieces of plants to protect themselves as shell (was a special interest for a while). I sure am a person, have emotions etc etc without the mask - just not the social ways, reactions etc etc off my own.
And thats ok, if I dont have that, I am different, not a little but quite fundamentaly and not scared of finding out to not have parts other deem fundamental. And thats also ok. I'm not sure if there is a way other than accepting that I'll never be able to see myself "function" with other people without a mask, I dont think I am. I'm also curious to see beneth it, but I kind of doubt thats fully possible.
But getting to be aware of where that border, that edge between me and my mask is, I deem fundamental in my process (learning to live healthy, and sustainably without crashing as an autistic adult). Just one of many boundaries I have to start being aware of and feeling (which didnt happen from birth by not being aware of being different & as part of that simply emotionaly working differently, having so much difficulty discovering the reasons for certain emotions, and sensing them in the first place).
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts - this was super fascinating to read! I found myself nodding along in agreement to your perspective and I hope that I will get to this place of acceptance. I love how you describe it as the 'border' - the edge between you and the mask - it is a useful visual. I think I am starting to sense this organically, but my curious and often black and white mind is still attached to the idea that I will be able to know my 'true' self! I have to remind myself that this is also a fundamental part of any human experience - none of us (ND or not) are able to truly know our authentic selves because we live in societies with social conditioning etc etc... lots of food for thought, thank you!
3:28... While I get what you mean that is just really odd phrasing for it seeing as even if something is part of your persona and not your authentic you, your persona is still a part of you so to say "which parts are me, and which parts are the mask" is a bit odd because the mask is a part of you, sure it may not be your authentic you, but it is still a part of you so really it should be "which parts are parts of my own emotions and feelings and logic and which parts are parts of my persona that I put on, a character, but still a part of me just not the authentic me". I was 37 years old before I learned that the things I had been stuggling with my whole life was called gender dysphoria and accepted my true self and I was 38 years old who only got diagnosed with autism after my second time having an extended stay in the hospital (first time was related to DV, second time was related to a hate crime being committed against me as I was leaving a LGBT+ supportive location)Does the fact I had to wear two different personas at the same time for 37 years make that first 37 years all just an act? No not at all because despite it being a combination of two different personas to hide my true self in more ways than one doesn't make that persona any less of a part of me. 37 years of putting on a character of my own creation to hide in plain site? Yeah no that character is very much a part of me even if it was mostly a lie because that character and that persona is was allowed me to survive until I could be my true self, if that persona didn't exist there is high odds that I would not have made it through and so I am going to take full credit for the persona allowing me to be safe until I was in a situation where allowing myself to learn about myself would be safe.
If I unmasked, my bluntness and speaking what I’m thinking would not go down well at all. 😆
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Masking is a stupid idea ! One should just try to make a convolution product of your autistic self with basics understood socials norms !
( In case maths is not a good theme, This is, trying too mix everything in a kind of smooth and homogeneous version of all, namely an autistic person able to fit in society. "Loop effect"(this is being more likely to have such behaviors once established you may have them, hence constantly reinforcing a certain idea of a disorder) is a fearsome problem once diagnosed. I'd say, blame on the shameful communication about autism.) At worst, one would just reveal to be a goofy odd one.
Also I've just seen this was one year ago. Anyway, Glad I've finally found a satisfying solution. Posting here if anyone needs it. LOL