A Warning to Selfless People Pleasers...
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 11 окт 2023
- There's unfortunately a dangerous side to selflessness. One where we give and give and give but end up exhausted and angry because so many people took advantage of us. Some people call this people pleasing, some call it toxic empathy. The point is there's nothing wrong with giving, but we also need to protect our time and energy from selfish or narcissistic people who only seem to take.
Watch next: 7 Clues to Spot the Narcissist Early
• 7 Clues to SPOT the Na...
If you ever want to support my work bit.ly/3FWA1Ez
#peoplepleaser #empath #selflessness
![DRAGON BALL: Sparking! ZERO - Fused Warriors Trailer [BUDOKAI TENKAICHI Series]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/84p4Lvyfyes/mqdefault.jpg)
I heard this said once and it hit hard: “If you are a giver, please know your limits because the takers don’t have any.” I found it helpful.
I am an expert on selflessness and the harmful downfalls.
I believe that's a Henry Ford quote; “Givers have to set limits because takers rarely do."
Some guys have all the luck ❤️🔥
That’s brilliant 😮
Absolutely, I've always heard Givers are always surrounded by takers. That's always been the case with me!
Selflessness, at the cost of abandoning our own needs, is not selflessness, it's codependency.
Yes!
I believe in a relationship there should be sacrifices on both sides. If both sides arent giving then it becomes toxic.
@@sapphirestar3978 I agree there are sacrifices and compromises that both parties may need to make. Relationships really are about giving and receiving and we should enter into a relationship based on what we can give to it, not what we can get from it. But both people need to share these same relationship values for that dynamic to work.
This! It is toxic to you and others imo
Codependency only occurs when both parties depend on eachother and neither can break away without suffering more. I believe every marriage is and should be Codependent (each person using one's own strengths to contribute to each other, the home, the kids, and/or pets while covering for each person's weaknesses) in a healthy manner.
Friendship should have some kind of Co-dependency but not at the expense of the Married couple and their family and home.
I have a friend who I met in College. This friend was very responsible and helped oneself, us, and others. This friend went through a very negative life changing event and has gone downhill. Instead of taking care of oneself, my friend still gave energy and resources to others and purchased frivolous things (new pets, eating out, TV and entertainment subscriptions, driving all over the place even when low on gas and not enough funds to get gas, various non-essential items, etc) and neglecting one's own needs. This friend would "cry" about not having food, gas, funds for the vet, etc and we'd give Friend funds to bail Friend out in exchange for Babysitting. Sometimes Friend would do/purchase things for oneself that our family took out of our budget in order to help friend not drown (we were Stable and could be above stable but friend was "drowning" so we tried to help friend be stable).
Eventually Friend would start "drowning" more often and ask us to Babysit our kids to earn more money when we had no need or desire to pay for Babysitting (we were gone from home a lot for work and some date nights...we needed to be home to raise our own kids too....Friend practically was a third parent).
Over the course of 10 years, we phased from enthusiatically helping, to having Friend earn the help, to dreading the next help request and giving financial budgeting advice, to requiring budgeting "homework" (poorly completed and eventually never completed), to warning that we will be gradually cutting back our financial aid, and cutting off certain other resouces to give friend time to transition back to independence. The Life Event happened roughly 10 years and Friend had minor events of One's own irresponsible actions since then. We decided we were enabling Friend and have cut Friend off of 95% resources between 10 years ago and now. We still pay $10 per month for Friend's Phone so friend doesn't have to pay $50+ for less than what our plan provides.
Bottom Line: We are no longer dependent on friend but friend is still overly dependent on us and others and can never hope to pay a fraction of what is owed to us that doesn't include the gifts given to Friend. There is a power dynamic where we're stable but friend is not responsible enough to regain stability yet. We can't hang out with friend without feeling guilty because of Friend's complaints of "Life's Woes". Friend still owes me budgeting homework in exchange for the last $250 needed to pay for an emergency vet visit for one of two cats (also owns a Service Dog and use to have hamsters and fish....the hamsters died of old age and fish are gone to who knows where). This was promised to me in MAY 2023.
We're slowly getting our family life back and learning to not feel guilty about not helping when we hear a sob story (whether is legit or not). In the future, if we do help someone, we'll either require evidence up self help up front or it'll be a one time assist/bailout.
Took me 34 years to realize I had no boundaries and couldn't say no to people because doing things for people was my way of trying to get love but it just got me used.
I also became the 'asshole' once I started saying no, making sure my cup was full before filling someone else's, etc.
Oh I understand that!
You will always be the asshole, because you set such a high expectation about yourself for others.
So they don't understand why all of the sudden, you don't meet those expectations anymore.
And they hit you with:
"So you never were the one I thought you were, you faked it!"
"You're so selfish, what about MY needs? Don't you love me?"
No matter how you will word this, they won't get why you took that 360 on them... Unless they actually care about you.
This is when you realize whether or not you've been wrong to give that much.
And yes, I'm often deemed a self-absorbed asshole too! The terms don't matter, only your reasons do.
Some claim to be people pleasers only AFTER they have “crossed a line” (they knew they were getting close but chose to continue). They are uncomfortable with people being upset with them but they still are clueless about why what they did was wrong. Then it continues. So these aren’t true people pleasers. These are autistics. I needed to figure this out recently.
MAGNIFICENTLY SAID ❤🎉❤🎉❤😂😂😂 I've learned 2 B ok with being the asshole❤️🧡💛💚💜
Beginner Jerk here. Just glad extended family had healthy boundaries to avoid taking advantage of me. It's friends who now think I'm the jerk for slowly cutting off "help" and assistance. I have my Spouse and kids who love me no matter my giving assistance or not. Now I'm focusing on loving them more than I help others.
Eldest child is learning to set boundaries by seeing the consequences of not doing so. I'm proud of her. She gets to learn early.
This should be taught in schools, in parenting classes, in the mental health industry, in workplaces, in jail, basically everywhere..
The accuracy! Cause it's like he's reading from my life script
And before anyone is allowed to have a relationship for sure. Imagine, how many more happy relationships we would have.
TOTALLY!!!!
A hard truth I've had to face recently is that people-pleasing is a form of manipulation. It's my nervous system's way of trying to protect me - by using niceness to attempt to control other people. I'm not a bad person for doing it, but I certainly don't want to continue down this path.
In addition, it means I always have a mask on. The people in my life who aren't toxic want to know me so they can be there for me, but if I'm always putting on a front, it keeps them away, too. It's been so hard to learn how to be both vulnerable AND set boundaries, but it's been well worth it.
Great insights. Do you have any suggestions on books or classes?
@@rachelb315 not that I can think of. I had this epiphany during therapy.
I think this describes me quite well🥲
🎯
I'm trying to think this out but I also think there's a difference between people pleasing with the Self in mind, versus people pleasing because you haven't learned how to think of yourself in any equation. I find that some form of people pleasing comes from the approach of "Well if I can, then I don't have a reason not to" because they aren't able to see the actual cost that it has on them. Because no one taught them to how to do that self-assessment.
If they are UNWILLING OR UNABLE to respond, communicate, compromise, listen, acknowledge, apologize, whatever… it’s TIME TO STOP 🛑
For me it's not that i fear abandonment. I just thought no one was capable of the bare minimum. I definitely abandoned myself for 14 years because i let his bottomless need overshadow any of my needs. I've stopped treating partners like children. If they can't or won't be adults then they're not suitable for me.
I wish I would have watched this video 30 years ago. It could have saved me so much heartache.
They should teach this in school.
Same, too bad there was no RUclips 30 years ago.
I agree and I sent it to my daughter to help her unlearn what I did in my life and relationships. I did not know how to teach this. I am just learning myself now at 58
That’s why I have 0 friends. Everyone dumps on me and asks for help but if I need an ear they half azz listen for a couple mins then say how “Omg that’s crazy here’s more about me!” I just say forget it I’ll go home and talk to my wall it listens better.
Oh my God..; I have these same friends. Now on my owm❤
It's so true that a traumatic childhood sets us up for failure in our romantic relationships. I recently had this conversation with my sister.
None of them will even try to understand my plight! Just because I’m not married and don’t have children Does Not Mean I’m the family death nurse. They’re not tolerable
If you never felt wanted as a child, being a people pleaser is the only thing to try and feel loved and valued. It doesn't work. Love self first, then give if you have to to give. Boundaries are needed to survive.
Or give when it comes from your heart… openly giving is an act of love. That’s different than “if you have to” or because of survival patterns.
When I started talking about my needs and boundaries it led to fights. Now I'm done with the relationship because he is lying and gaslighting and not taking responsibility for his actions. But I am demonized for mine even tho I acknowledge my wrongs.
Wooow i just broke up for the same reasons.
Watch dr Ramoney on narcissistic behavior it has helped me to heal...within a relationship or outside of one...your responsibility is taking care of yourself at this point. Be the best you can be, even when he is not...search yourself to ensure you are staying kind( speak the truth in LOVE),
This also applies to platonic friendships... 😕
The resentment is real.😔 While back I complained to my husband that whenever my friends are sick I'm there to help them out, but no one cares for me that way. He said "whenever someone asks how you are, you say you're fine, so no one even knows you're struggling!" Boom!🤯 Yeah, I guess that could have something to do with it....🤔😅
Thanks, Jimmy. You stated in a different video that 'as long as I'm begging to be a priority in someone's life, I am abandoning myself.' That really stuck with me! Listening to your videos clarify and validate what I'm living with and without in my marriage... I was living with lots of neglect, etc., yet I accepted it because I still wanted the positives. However, it is NOT acceptable for me to abandon myself! This realization in addition to other cumulative positive beliefs, I pushed for divorce and finally insisted my husband move out. He hasn't signed the divorce papers and now they have expired. I'm working on myself and caring for me in place of abandoning me.
I'm struggling being alone, without any supportive family, nor friends any friends nearby, but I keep reminding myself how unhappy and alone I've been in the marriage. Loving and valuing oneself is very difficult despite progress I've made through the years. Thanks, thanks, thanks!
Your not alone . God is with you . Find friends to talk to and hang out . Being alone is one of the scariest feelings we have . But being alone while married is the worst . I know this feeling . I’m alone being married for 16 years . The best thing anyone can do for themselves is learn how to enjoy being by yourself . Take yourself out for coffee , have a glass of wine in a bath, watch a movie you always wanted as I have started doing these things and not caring if they are pleasing to my husband as I started putting myself first more often . I have finally realized that I would rather be single for the rest of my life then be constantly rejected . I pray you find someone you can enjoy talking to , sharing good conversations and companionships ❤
I firmly believe, based on my own experience as well as witnessing the lives of others, that "No husband is better than a bad husband." Living alone does not automatically make you lonely. You can always reach out and establish meaningful, supportive friendships and afford these people as much or as little space in your life as YOU choose. Living under the same roof with someone who distances, ignores or, worse yet, neglects and abuses you is the very definition of the deepest form of loneliness. Stay? Leave? It's our choice and it's important to know that there is a price to be paid whichever we choose.
Celebrate Recovery is a 12 step group found nation wide if you are in the US. People mistake it as a drug or alcohol program but 2/3 of attendees are just working through any of life's hurts, hang-ups or habits they want to quit. You can meet supportive people or just go to be listened to in a confidential and anonymous environment. Best of luck
As soon as I tried to set boundaries, and stand up for myself and what I was willing to allow happen or not, the relationship, the 5 year 2 kids later marriage, is now ending. 😢 I'm a toxic empath. I just recently read Search for Significance and God changed my view of myself and when I realized my worth was wrapped up in Jesus it's like my eyes were completely open to all the emotional, hidden abuse over the past five years. I'm really giving myself space to make decisions as an adult for what's best for me and my daughters, and that is to stand up for myself, set healthy boundaries, and allow him to respond. Well his response was silence. Which spoke so loud. And now that I'm leaving, I'm the bad guy. I'm the one who's being maligned. But it's ok. I know who I am in Christ now. I know I've done the work biblically to try to restore this marriage. And I know that he's not only being unfaithful, but he's abandoning us for his side job. Even though I've expressed lovingly how desperate his family is for his time and affection. 😢 My heart is so broken. But I know God sees me.
So happy that you've found a friend in Christ. It doesn't stop things from happening but gives you an anchor in the storm, and gives you something to hold on to when everything else fall apart.
That’s really hard, I was in a similar situation. Sending you lots of love ❤
Thank you 🙏🏼
@@kerrymillar1267 what did you do? I'm still searching for validation that what I'm doing is right.
@@rachelevelyn777Hi Rachel! I know this question was for the other person but I went through this too. I stayed I a relationship for 22 years and we had one child. I stayed hoping things would get better. It led to many years of depression, anxiety, self-doubt, health issues etc. I let the “good” thing’s override all of the bad things. I justified his bad behavior and changed so much about myself (diminished my light, happiness, personality etc.) The toxic behavior from my sons father really made an impact on my son too. It effected his relationship with God. My son believes in God and Jesus but since his earthly father let him down and he felt like he kept having to “work” for his dads approval (even though he nothing ever seemed to be good enough).
So now I’m healing and helping my son heal. I want him to know the Love of God and how God sees Him and is pleased not by how his earthly father has shown him.
This is a spiritual battle. Once I realized the ex was a distraction and diversion from what God had planned for me I made the decision that he had to leave. I denounced and came out of agreement with that ungodly soul tie in Jesus name. It’s been a year now and my relationship with God has grown so much!! And there is so much more peace and I can think clearly. There’s still work to do but I wish I had made the decision earlier. My goal is to help my son. My prayers go out to you. The Holy Spirit will show/guide you. I saw all the signs before but dismissed them. You may be getting your answer so pray that you accept what is being revealed. 🤍🙏🏼
You are describing me.. I sent it to my husband so he could try to understand how I feel and he didn’t even watch the video I’m sure.. all I got back was “oh my gosh….” And then silence… 😢 whatever, time to take care of myself.. ❤
This sounds like my situation, except I don’t even dare send him any of these videos. But never worry… he makes it to church every week and prays and reads his Bible everyday. I’m so glad I knew who God was before I met him and that he was not my introduction to God… because if that were the case, I would want nothing to do with God.
@@CrochetySharon ya my husband made it VERY clear 2 days ago NOT to send him anymore RUclips videos.. especially “from some guy on RUclips that is a feminist and doesn’t know him or our situation personally, he doesn’t agree with him at all or what to hear his BS”… I tried to explain why I sent it and he was like ya fine go.. as he rolls his eyes.. I told him that right there is obvious he doesn’t care about the “why” his actions are saying he just wants to shut me up so hurry and speak so you can leave me alone. Asked if he would be upset if someone sighed and said that to him and rolled their eyes when he wanted to explain something and be vulnerable.. he just deflected and argued. I tried to just explain why I sent it and since i had more than one point he started questioning (after the 2nd one) why I was still talking, I was supposed to say “the” reason and then he could go back to watching his movie.., 👍 ok got it.. we will. It ok, God and me are working on a plan 😉 not dealing with that crap anymore
And I agree… he goes to church very few these days and refuses to pray with me for years now .. definitely knew God before him and part of my vetting was they had to be a practicing Catholic… now I feel like I am married to a pagan… so sad
Praying for your situation ♥️
@@atdepaulispraying for yours too. Prayer for guidance from God and His strength to do what he wants us to do.
Take care of you first… they don’t want to listen or do anything to fix anything ..l it’s all good work on an another plan.❤
I have never experienced a safe space to speak of feelings
This is totally me! I learned the hard way. Thru years of therapy, I have accepted that I can't change or will not change my husband. He didn't want to go thru therapy with me. He would always say, "It doesn't work!" I ended up doing therapy for myself. I am glad I did. Thank you for this video!
I broke up a relationship and left a spiritual community because too many told me I was the problem in the relationship. They said I should be giving without expectation of return and until I learned that, I should not be in a relationship. Somehow, that seemed wrong. I went with my gut and found a therapist who affirmed that a relationship where one gives and the other only takes is abuse.
it hurts so much to confront this. I'm trying to heal myself from being codependent on a partner who is struggling with an addiction and can't meet my needs right now. Facing that insecurity is terrifying. I know I need to do it though. I want to be ok if I need to move on. I hope I won't need to, I hope that healing my codependency will take away some of the suffocation and create a safe space for us to come together. But if we can't...I need to be ok.
Watching this video is painful. But I need the reminder. I also just wanted to comment so that anyone going through something similar doesn't feel so alone.
Thank you for being vulnerable!
What a wake-up call, this was.❗️
In case you've not yet found him, Gabor Mate has books & RUclips videos on addictions, & on the price we pay in our health for being people-pleasers, co-dependents... I hope you check it out.
@@margaretsearle5173Do they also help you come up with solutions?? I may check it out. ❤
@rebecca You are definitely not alone. Working on my inner self, watching inspiring videos, such as this, reading great books, and counseling has helped me tremendously. It's hard, but accepting your relationship as it is, is key. I had to face a lot of hard realities..not a picnic in the park, but worth it. It has lightened my heavy load. I stopped focusing on him so much and do things I enjoy. I did all of this not for him, nor my marriage but for my mental health. Working on inner self is PRICESLESS!! It saved me in sooo many ways.❤❤
we didn't talk about boundaries because i ASSUMED he would naturally understand. wrong!!
I wanna add that it's also toxic and complicated if your selflessness is the only thing you value about yourself.
I have a friend I love dearly, but she only interacts with me when she thinks she can give something. She never asks for help. She never accepts attention without making about me and how she can "pay" for it.
As a recovering people pleaser myself I understand where she's coming from, but it's hard to interact and keep contact this way. It needs a lot of work and mental stability from me to maintain this relationship, to reassure to her that she has value to me without doing something.
Not saying I will stop, but I have to keep my boundaries clear so I don't make it my own problem and that is hard sometimes, because I don't wanna feel like an asshole or like taking all the time. I want a healthy middle! 😂
But it's exhausting if I have to keep it healthy all the time for both of us. It needs two to work on that.
So, for all the other selfless people pleaser: thank you, but it's your responsibility to work on that as well, so your partner or friends can relax as well. 😘
Well said! Thank you
Yes well said!
that gave me some value and helped me out of a dark place, but as i matured, i realized, i need to focus on those that value me, and together the sum was greater then its' parts.
I am of the same kind. And have a friend like that.
I was often irritated by her insisting on always giving something, never accepting even suggestions of help.
Thank you for bringing this to light.
For me, I take it as a possibility to practice saying "no" in a gentle and firm way.
Also, for me this is a revelation/confirmation that a person disrespecting our boundaries is not a vilain.
It takes a huge amount of self-conscious effort for an honest person, who is not a taker, to deal with a pleaser and giver...
So grateful for these videos.
Love to all
Wow😮
I'm a giver but I'm not a 'people pleaser'. It saddens me that people put the two in the same basket.
It's a great virtue to give. To be of assistance to people in need. It's an honour.
But it is entirely unacceptable to be chameleon type with no set beliefs, opinions, boundaries etc to appease to other people.
You talk about people pleasers like they have some sort of character flaw or moral failing. That’s not what people pleasing is. People pleasers have strong values and ethics just like you, they just won’t risk sharing them in an effort to avoid conflict. This is my mom. She goes along with whatever, but that does not mean she lacks her own convictions inside. What a silly conclusion to make. My mom wasn’t born that way. She became that way because of spending years with her abuser. So it’s not about them being “entirely unacceptable chameleons.” People pleasers are broken people. They are deserving of your compassion instead of your ridicule. I’d expect someone boasting online about what a “giver” they are to recognize this.
@@ebrennie
1- The inverted commas in 'people pleasers' (in my comment) are there for a good reason. 'People pleasers' are widely perceived negatively. This video is one example of such perception. I happen to concur with this view - that's my opinion.
2- You suggested a definition for 'people pleasers' in that they are people who do indeed have convictions but they refrain from sharing them to avoid conflict. They "go along with whatever" as you said. Fine. Now, whatever the motive behind such choice, the person who does this should not be put in the same basket with the person who is a 'giver'. These are two different traits. This was the point of my message 😉
@@ebrennie
3- As for the chameleon metaphor you disliked, interestingly the aforementioned definition you proposed for 'people pleasers' aptly fits this metaphor. Here is a definition I found online and copy/paste:
"As a Chameleon, a man fears sharing the parts of himself that he knows. He holds secrets about himself and seeks to be what he perceives others want him to be or what he believes will get him the acceptance from others. In order to become a Lion, the Chameleon must reveal himself openly and vulnerably."
It's not wrong to be a giver..it's always good to set boundaries. Takers know no limits.
Using a victim mindset is just as damaging..if you have to say no,say no. End of the day you're your own person.
Who ever finds this. I love you ❤. Ok this channel is an excellent place for growing and learning how to feel ❤
I'm not sure how often you encounter narcissists Jimmy. I haven't identified many of them, but I've definitely met one and unfortunately, she is my ex. Many of your videos give good advice and speak to the principles of healthy relationships, but there's one thing that always gets me. Whenever I watch your videos, I can just imagine narcissists watching your videos and identifying (correctly or incorrectly) with everything that you're saying. From the perspective of the narcissist, they are the loving partner who is constantly allowing themselves to get trampled and needs to more aggressively stand up for themselves. I'd gamble that you'd be surprised by the proportion of your audience that are narcissists who selectively listen to portions of what you say to reaffirm their existing beliefs.
So hard when it’s a family member who just takes and takes and cannot reciprocate
I used to be a "giver" but now I spend a lot of time alone. If I'm alone, I don't have someone always asking me for something.
Wow🤯I need more therapy than I can afford to get myself on track but thank you for opening my eyes!!
The moment I fully appreciate myself, I realised that actualy I like being alone and take care of myself and my kids and the cats.
As a gay kid whose family kicked him out, it hit REALLY hard when you talked about the fear of not being accept. Especially when that fear came true. My anxious attachment style has haunted me for years because I grew up in survival mode around hiding and adapting my identity. And at 30 Im starting to heal
Wooow
🙏🙏🙏
You should know that you are not alone ! Your family is stage in your life just think you can create your own one that include anything you didn't have and you wish to have make your missing parts the most inspire and strong ones!
This is something I just learned @ 64 yrs old. Was married 26 yrs, single for 7 yrs now. I still find I am still being a giving person, only say NO way to many times. I know it's because I want to be LOVED
@yvonne The Greatest love is self-love.❤❤
Kindness is a strength, but so often it is seen by users as a weakness to be exploited.
Tell my daughter one person is doing all the giving and the other one is just taking soon the one that's giving is going to be worn out don't want to give you any more
I think it's hard because I feel like setting "boundaries" is being controlling and not accepting my partner for who he is. And I can't tell on my own what the difference is.
I would start with the basics that everyone should have. A partner who listens and wants to understand your side and compromises. A partner who is not demeaning and belittling. A partner that is willing to own when they make a mistake and to fix it. In my experience, those things predict how exhausted and miserable you will ultimately feel, if they are missing. And we owe no one being miserable for them to be happy. We owe ourselves being in a relationship that doesn’t feel bad. Setting boundaries is simply saying “these are the healthy things i need from someone i give my love and commitment.” I learned the hard way giving them love isn’t the same as giving them therapy. And they have to want that. Narcissistic abuse nearly destroyed my life. Of course, i didn’t know what that was at the time. But the next time, i set strong boundaries about respect, consideration, and effort required. And today i’m with a lovely man. Another person acting like a caveman because “that’s who they are” doesn’t mean your being selfish for not letting him grab you by the hair drag you off.
@@MayfloweralwaysSpeaking to me with all of this! The caveman example makes me chuckle though since every guy I’ve dates who refused to meet me in the middle was definitely not masculine… TBH they were all so far away from cavemen that they were honestly like immature little boys once I got to know them. No thank you!
@DFTBA221B SAME SAME SAME!!!!!!! I’m super super super sensitive to being controlled myself, so I’ve never wanted to risk making someone else feels controlled
Jimmy has a short on that.
I would say, boundaries is not something you throw at your partner from the top of your head. I understand they are an indication of what are the things and actions that allow you to feel respected and valued - the minimum non-negotiable?.. So they are a result of self-analysis in the first place.
An interesting moment is when you start making a list of what is ok for you, what would hurt you and what you would not accept. You discover a lot about yourself. And when you imagine somebody showing such a list to you, what would be your reaction?
Thank you, dear
Watching the video... Eye brow raising, Bam*bam*bam* ... So many years gone..
So called selflessness is a coverup for loneliness. And it leads to resentment. I’m like this but luckily the people I give to are very loving and appreciative back. Still, I need to stop overdoing it. I’m kind of tired out doing my own work and then spending hours listening to my friends. Thx for the reminder.
here is a tip. if you got friends who constantly need someone to talk to, give them the broom, or get them to do some dishes while they tell you their problems. i know it sounds silly, but i lost capacity to help becuase i didnt have time for myself. a good talk takes a few hours. we all need it, but the reality is it eats into my life and i am now one day behind in my chores.
if you want me to be there fore you always, start paying upfront. you will get less repeat problems too :P
"hey can we talk?"
"sure, i need help to clean out the basement, come on over"
@@-IE_it_yourselfoof. i've got this backwards. i'm out here cleaning their houses AND listening to their problems
The best way to make someone you care about happy is to make yourself happy. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a self-caring sort of way. Your loved ones can't ever be happy when YOU are not.
💯Say "NO" to everything and everyone. Have the courage to not be liked and to be alone. Setting Boundaries is uncomfortable, but you'll feel better in the long run🙌🏽
I just wanted to tell you thank you. I was literally taught as a child that I was here to be for others. When I started asking questions (undiagnosed autistic at that time), when I started speaking out for myself, I was told that I was worthless. Literally. That word. To this day, I help people because I want to try to help them to not go through what I'm going through. What I went through. I'm also absolutely terrified that if I don't, people will walk away from me. I'd love to say that that hasn't happened, but people have regularly walked away from me because I'm not doing something for them. It's not my personality they seem to have the problem with, but that I'm not doing something for them. I don't quite understand it myself. But I appreciate you addressing this. I believe that my value is tied up in what I can do for other people and, as someone who is disabled and currently unemployed, that really diminishes my self worth and value. So, again, thank you for pointing this out. I hadn't considered it.
Where’s your instagram content gone?
My guess is you subconsciously are drawn to people who are emotionally broken, which accounts for them using then abandoning you. My guess is you might find it very helpful to getting involved in a group therapy that facilitates healing from past trauma wounds as when you come to peace with your past I would expect you will be drawn to healthier people.
Being the giver is fine, just check that you're not over giving without reciprocation.
Paradoxically, when you over give, people's sense of fairness, and to reciprocate acts of kindness, service, and appreciation... may suddenly drastically drop when your gifts become expected and banal, rather than cherished as intentional acts of love.
If you find yourself providing and being taken for granted, try asking for words of appreciation, hugs, or quality time doing something you love.
I am autistic too (Asperger's), and I think I cracked it down. Btw, write me if you want.
As you probably figured out (don't know your age I am 34) world is complicated and they are so many opposing rules which collide and its utter trash.
Regarding the topic, set yourself rules. I have many and it's clearing out the takers. I hosted more than 350 people through Couchsurferfing and no one stole a thing from me.
I use mimicri and that's like life changer. Now, I moved to next level so I am applying the culture inside of the field. It's yealding impressive results.
3 times and that's it. 1st strike could be mistake, second is usually rule, 3rd is a rule. When you spot a behaviour which annoys you, politely tell. For that, learn etiquette. Boundaries between people were already set. It's good tool.
Live your life. Try to find a skill that is also a hobby and practice it in free time. Since it's a hobby and important person will come around in natural not forced way, you might start to think go full retard mode. However, people like to have their own personal space as we do. Don't prone, people will tell you everything and even more. So honesty, being helpful and supportive might sit you up pretty high. However it's hard to stay and develop all the skillsets. I hope that it's understandable, if not, well someone will write a comment. :)
Listening to you speak is like to listening to my heart and brain. We want to help, but when we get taken advantage of, we question OURSELVES! Bottom line: we need to realize that we are NOT here to save everyone and the world, and that when we do not, we are still OK. You do a great presentation and hit the vulnerable parts that is in each of us: we're OK not matter who we do or do not save.
I need to watch this at least once a week until I get it. Once a day, twice a week, then once a week. Until I memorize it all, until it sinks in. Until I truly believe it.
Givers have to set limits because takers rarely do.
The Buddhist term “idiot compassion” helped me a lot. That really put things into perspective for me.
God only knows how much this video hit me. This is why I needed therapy to heal my traumas. Good Lord, watching you speaking I felt like you heard my story and talking to me like being my therapist. these type of videos are still triggering me. Thank you, first step in healing is to admit we were doing it, subconsciously, coz we didn't know any better!
So true!!
The intensity and details and exact wording making this video remarkable between all the others and outstanding. Thank you.
@@rich-ard-style6996yes exactly, these words shine out.
This is all so true. And we need to be ready to walk away when a potential partner signals that they are not willing to honor your requests or boundaries.
Years ago I married someone whom I KNEW was wrong, because I didn’t believe I deserved to be cared for and I thought that he would *learn* to honor my requests and boundaries. It’s all falling apart. Don’t make the same mistake, people!
The kind and loving part of a person gets tainted and begins to fade, taking the absolute pleasure of a part of you that loves to help others that need help.
We must understand that what we need comes from our internal self, not from another.
It's about knowing that the love we have is ours and we don't give it to get it back from another, we give it because we have it to give. Those that receive it, need it and only for the amount of time it is needed.
The only one who knows how you love or what you want, is you.
Expectations have been burned into our brains and brings with it disappointment. Expect from self.
Your work is amazing. The way you communicate and pass the information in such a kind and clear way really helps.
Thank you 🙏
I second that! Love your work & how you articulate complex concepts, Jimmy! 🙌🏼
Has never been reciprocated, and two broken marriages and one broken 15 year friendship later, I’m just done. And alone. 3 strikes, I’m out.
Love is not enough... I based my marriage on loving my partner no matter what, I truly believed in that in my 20's. I ended up in a very toxic partnership, all 33 years of it.. Back then we knew nothing, just remember that.. No Internet, no videos, no info...
I agree with everything except the worrying about being left. I think I am like this because it is what I was taught to be like at home, and it is what society told me that I need to be like to be considered a good person. If you do not try to be the cheerful, thoughtful, kind person that puts everyone first then you do are a horrible person, and being a horrible person is not something good.
My selflessness with my husband now has boundaries, after 26 years. And it's working, mostly, after over a year of "Hey, you're not being respectful again. Switch the tone, NOW." Probably not the greatest way to go about it, but so far, it is working. I say that, and 10 minutes later, the whole tone changes and a discussion happens rather than a fight.
Now it's my kids who aren't accepting that I'm not the live in babysitter, house maid, laundress, cook, kitchen maid, and general chauffeur. Unpaid all of that...I get the "But you're Grandma, you're SUPPOSED TO help, and do, and be."
How do I answer that from my 20-25 yr old kids, when I actually agree with them, just not to the extent they seem to expect me to?
Same with the adult children! I am honestly triggered by how entitled they are but it's my fault they are that way because I wanted them to have a different life than me and well....I went too far with it.
A Golden rule I learned: If you'd rather not acting assertively, or getting into a fight, fearing losing them, they were never really there for your own self in the first place.
For me the line is not whether it’s being reciprocated but whether I’m giving from a free heart or is it a frustrated attempt to “get” something.
Karma is real. Some people need to give.
If it looks toxic, it’s because it’s not being done from peace and ease but from some transactional mechanic in the mind…
My struggle is being able to receive. Receiving is hard when you have trauma and fear that the love you are being given will be taken away from you.
Yes. Because at some point, you /will/ want to be reciprocated. You will /need/ to be given to, and when it doesn't happen. When you're suddenly confronted with the reality that your partner doesn't want an 'equal' relationship...that's when the resentment starts. You try to tell yourself that it was just an off day, but you start to notice the off days, and they get more and more frequent. And one day, the effort stops being worthwhile.
Giving was something I was expected to do as kid when I was the oldest child with both my sister and I in foster care together. All my time and attention went to her because she was all I had left of my biological family. Anytime I did ask for something it went straight to her. Don’t get me wrong I love my sister to bits but it got so bad that I refused to talk about what I was feeling and ended up going to therapy at an early age because of it. I was so scared that I would stopped being loved if I didn’t give 100% 24/7.
This hurts, but is extremely appreciated it to hear it from outside myself ❤
OK... And the worst part is when they make you feel like you're the problem for genuinely care and give the you got.
I'm definitely a selfless giver. I had my sense of self destroyed growing up by my narcissistic farher and could only find purpose by sacrificing for others. I was also raised with an extreme protestant work ethics where work was treated as salvation by preoccupying yourself with work to prevent sinful thoughts from existing in your head. So, I would just work myself to death from a young age and put others ahead of my nonexistent needs as a form of religious salvation and finding purpose in life.
So many Men have this "nice guy" persona with covert contracts. When I finally expressed my needs and set boundaries the relationship ended.
Oh my goodness Jimmy. When I was under a year old on the doctors advice my mother left me to cry in the evenings. She was told to go for coffee and leave a babysitter and not come home until I had stopped crying. It took about three hours or more each evening and it took a week and a half before I didn't cry anymore. I knew it left me with sleep problems and nightmares but I didn't realize how long it would persist into my adult life and what it did to my psyke and relationships. My son sent me one of your clips and this one in particular speaks directly to me. I've had three failed marriages because I married narcissistic types. I thank you for your posts and your work in this field. I'm going to be getting professional help shortly.
The problem with me is once a person becomes part of my life in any sort of way I tend to. Become a pleaser towards them
Thank you for talking about this.
You give and give and give...and get crumbs in return. It leads to constant yearning, frequent feelings of your love tank gauge on 'E'.
"We try to heal them with our love..."
Exactly right. The problem with someone who needs that kind of healing is that they need to get professional help, they need to 'do the work' to help close the wounds within themselves. Otherwise, they hold onto love about as well as a sieve can hold water.
Thank you to you and your wife for sharing your experiences and being open about these real struggles. I am working on getting everything ready to file for divorce, but it is very validating that I can’t change the addiction or the narcissistic traits (counselor confirmed) and I am responsible for my self worth and value. I wish every couple would watch your videos as part of a mandatory dating or marriage prep course. They are very creative and you make good use of humor for such sensitive topics.
Situationship….. love that
This is so true. My ex tried the yelling and belittling again last summer. Not tolerating it at all. So toxic.
When shouting/screaming, it is because 1. Being extremely stress-exhausted and chronically abused and sleepless, 2. Thinking one not being heard/seen/respected, 3. overreacting from all previos times when my calm, poloite asking has gone unheard and needs gone unmet, 4. Being in fear , deep fear and bewilderment, desorientation at why not getting help for decades and being so sick. Sorry
I saw a great reminder, ironically in an adult coloring book that said that givers need to set limits because takers rarely do. Too true.
My husband and I have a pattern where I express an issue I have or a negative feeling I have with our relationship, and instead of him validating it and letting me talk about it, we end up switching to me counseling HIM on how to have a relationship and about his past trauma, and then he feels better and I got nothing.
People pleasing can be conditioned from birth. Unfortunately, the relationship that you're describing here is one I was stuck with from the cradle. My mother trained me to be the harmful version of selfless and people-pleasing. I wasn't allowed to have needs. She was the only person in our family who was allowed to have needs, and love had to be earned, and I was never perfect enough to get there. And as a result of my early training, I stayed way too long in an abusive marriage, because I had learned as a child that it was my job to fix other people and carry them, and if I couldn't, the problem was me, and that other people had the right to treat me badly if I failed at perfect. The theme of my last decade has been unlearning the unhealthy beliefs I was raised with and learning who I am and what my needs are and how to express them in a healthy way in the context of a relationship. Therapy has been an integral part of this process.
So good. I’m currently learning more about attachment styles, and I have been doing personal codependence work for a few years now. Preventing slips back into old habits is continual. It is all about remember our valuing, communicating clearly and lovingly, and true relationships have reciprocity, and for me to love, encourage and give as I’m led to, then let go and let God handle the rest with it. Realizing others have their own brokenness and pain, most often, unhealed and no desire to heal. I desire to heal and change, even at 56 years old. That’s on me. Thank you.🙏
Jimmy would you consider doing a video on what emotional safety is, what it entails, etc. Or point us in the direction of a good resource. No matter how many times , different ways I explain my husband says he doesn't understand.
Thank u for another great video! ❤
Great idea! Would love to hear one about emotional safety, too.
I had the same experience.... I tried and tried to explain what that meant but my husband did not ever really seem to understand it. Thanks!
Your talking about my old self I was with my husband 38years loved him,looked after him,nursed him on his death bed I lost him 2 years ago and miss him everyday but I've worked hard on myself and know my boundaries and my worth and love myself first now ❤feeling blessed ❤️🙏
yes, it takes always two people to work equally in a relationship to make it harmonious, good and healthy.. it's never a work and responsibility of only one person
And you can never force another person to make it good, it must be a genuine freewill offering, if its not so, then walk away from that unwilling partner, because in no time he/she will turn the relationship into hell on earth
They always say do to another what you want them to do to you, however, I don't get back what I give and have been suffering from being this type of person
The only times my friends, family, co-workers, bosses etc...become dismissive, blaming, call me names, the silent treatment or controlling of me or even out right physically abusive to me is...when i say anything stupid such as what my needs are, how I feel, etc...
If I say I'm hungry I just get told if I'm not hungry then you're not hungry. I had a friend that asked me if I was still hungry and I shook my head yes. They brought me more food then said good for you for speaking up. But then when they asked again if I was still hungry after that and I shook my head no. They said good for you for NOT being hungry anymore. I was so hurt and confused about why they said that to me. Because they say things to me about how I barely ate around them when first met them. But now I eat more when I'm around them. So it makes me go back to the behaviors of over eating and under eating around them to get them to stop making comments about how much I eat. I know they say those things to be controlling of me. Because I've lived with controlling people my whole life but I had a small break of living with someone who was more secretly controlling them open so I didnt see it until too late but during that break i had time to work on therapy and learn and grow and my eyes were now open to these behaviors but it only causes people to get more creative with their tactics. I don't have a therapist that understands these things I go through so there i can't talk to him about any of it. I'm in the process of trying to educate him so he can understand my struggles but I'm suffering because I need a therapist who's already educated in these problems who can actually help me through them. I don't have time to educate my therapist so that he can actually become my therapist. It just takes too much time. The problem is no one in my area treats my issues . Let alone have enough education to identify my issues for what they really are. I told my therapist I have an attachment disorder. He looked at me and said I don't think you have an attachment disorder. He's known me for like 45 minutes. Well maybe a bit longer. But it was only our second or third session. And the first session all we did was fill out paperwork. So I was honestly hurt by that and Everytime I say I need EVERYDAY therapy like 5 days of consistency. He says he can't. He's not allowed. And if I need that many days then I need to go to the hospital for an evaluation. I'm sorry. But why should I be punished for expressing my needs let alone even having the knowledge that, 5 days of therapy would actually help me...why should I be punished?? It took me years to educate myself with these things and try to start treatment. But the problem is I am not a licensed therapist. I need help treating myself for my issues. And I need the proper support as I DON'T get it from family or friends. Not in these areas anyways. I'm drowning trying to take care of myself but have to keep abandoning myself to take care of others. My therapist is getting tired because he's doing everything he can help me except the very thing I need him to do which is to listen to me about what I need and what my struggles are and to meet me where I am at mentally, and emotionally. Things that have helped me in the past with healing and would help with building a trusting therapeutic relationship with him such as play therapy he says it's hard to do that. I'm left with having to explain myself on everything and justify myself on everything and even educate him. Just so he can help me. I'm so exhausted here. We've hit the same wall that me and last therapist have hit. Neither one of us is willing to listen to the other. I trust him. But I don't trust him enough to listen to him when he tells me to talk to these people over here or gives me homework because he's not listening to me about what my needs are. In his mind I should pick what's most important. And focus on force trust. Or so called faith. But that's all I ever do is have faith (trust without evidence) in people with the expectations that trust (built from evidence) will eventually form but it never does. And I always end up hurt because no one is willing to meet me where I am at mentally or emotionally or physically. No one is willing to make the effort to gain my trust. Everyone expects me to always trust blindly and never question them. But then it only continues the behaviors within me that keep me trapped inside enmeshment relationships. And people take advantage of me abuse me and leave out as trash when I become too much of a problem for them. So I get hurt. And then there's people who get hurt because they can't understand why I never lost to them and I question them on everything when they tell me to do stuff. And they can't understand why I keep bringing up the same things over and over such play therapy or bible trivia or regular trivia or asking them to do arts and crafts with me. They can't understand why I'm not learning and growing and moving forward with their teachings. They think I'm lazy or think I'm playing them but I simply just don't trust them. And I'm simply waiting for them to be willing to make a CONSISTENT effort in building my trust in them. They think that the absence of mis-trust from them warrants me to continue to trust them blindly. But they never see the more they dismiss my needs for evidence. The more they dismiss my needs for trust built from evidence to be built in first place is actually teaching me to NOT trust them. The lack of willingness to build evidence, is in fact evidence that teaches me my trust is misplaced.
People who call themselves empaths and exhibit controlling behavior because they have a savior complex.
You are an empath if the narc is creating a drama in your life to sabatage you.
Choose actions by what will support and sustain everyone concerned, including yourself, to the best of your awareness.
Sometimes it's the template of relating from your roles in childhood. A lot of us were parentified kids and our only intimate relational experience is with our endangered siblings, for whom we were incompetent parents. We keep reprising that role instead of learning to relate to adult peers.
Takers will take until there is nothing left!
I needed to hear this.. I do not feel valued and it safe in my relationship. I feel mistreated and not heard in the slightest. I’m constantly having to create a safe space for her and she cries and plays the victim and it’s just getting so exhausting I don’t think I can do it anymore. If only she could see herself and change could things get better but at this point i can’t keep blaming myself and being the only one who apologizes when i know sometimes i didn’t do anything wrong. I am grateful for the awareness to see myself and know that if it doesn’t work out in this relationship that my next one will be stable and healthy.
Oops, I've never been so simply nailed... on the bright side is always nice to be reminded that I'm not all that unique. Witch gives hope, my situation and feelings here are not all that hard for others to understand see and relate with.
I asked my husband to not buy me cleaning things or household items for birthdays and the like. He’s now turned it on him and how it made him feel like all his gifts are worthless because I don’t feel like a bathroom scrubber or pots and pans were personable. Wasn’t for me personally.
Good Lord you covered so many things in this video that are all so important and hit home for me. I was sobbing through half of it. In a good way. So much work to do on this healing journey and thankful for accounts like yours that help illuminate my path.
Love it! Some of us know when to pump the breaks! When it’s over, it’s over.✌🏾
Selflessness is
Self sacrifice
Subconsciously giving to everyone in the midst of loosing oneself.
There is no excuse for silence treatment, passive aggressive, etc.
as someone who has ghosted people, i know it is wrong, but i had to priorities my own emotional safety, and let myself work it out on my time and my terms. i dont like being pressured into someone time frame. the take away is, if someone needs time, give it to them, if some one needs an answer give them a good one when you are ready. there is no rush.
i was talking to a first responded once whose job it was sea resque andas he told me about the times he has to leave someone behind, i told him, it is ok, in the end it lets him save more people then if he just went down helping a lost cause. we had a bit of a cry after that, but i think he really needed to hear that.
Already been there. Totally lost myself after I found someone who was kind of an emotional vampire. No reciprocation. Then I got divorced and went to therapy.
You see it all like you are in my mind. You are describing me full out, and you point to exactly the right things. I am seeing a proffesional and this is like night and day.
I have a bad to no input from childhood with little and wrong "tools" to tackle life's challenges or life at all. I have lived a long life befor now a few years starting new after a total mental breakdown.
I learned to look on my self like being two people like in a realationship, treating my self with love and respect to be the best i can be for my self so i can evolve to be a good person for others. It kind of brings the needs, expectations, selfconflict and giving down.
Its like building me to do want i want in a better way from a better and right angle ("filling my cup and not filling others from a empty cup") Its making my life and those around better.
Damm your good at this! you are right. I needed to hear this tonight as I keep thinking about going back to the person that consistently called me a piece of s...
So many people dump the victim hood but in a hit and run style … they take off when they’re unloaded because they don’t want to be a hearing ear for me . Which I’m now so pissed I’d rather not talk to anyone, I don’t care if they’re renovating didn’t go to plan !!! Crappy thing is, is doing a survey on people I know is , that there’s 90 % my contacts /firends .
This is what I and my therapist are working on right now
Thank you for helping us understand this very important matter. I remember one day, I felt that urge to protect those that were creating the problem around me by not being able to see that their actions undermined my own and their own security, now I understand, it's time for me to protect myself fiercely until the very last day of my life, my life is worth the honor.
This video was traumatizing for me .. I remembered the worth relation I have ever been in. Thank god that is over
Story of my life. Thank you, thank you. This is my life’s work. ❤
Oh my goodness this is spot on. These sucks sabotage the relationship.. I made 2 mistakes .. my picker was broken. No more I’m happy and love me more now but still more ground to cover for me.
Thank You for the clear and compassionate view of my life and how to move forward. I love your program which I found by watching other videos on narcissism. I love your balanced non-blaming approach for both sides to take responsibility for their needs, wants and desires.
It's a trauma response.... over selflessness.... over prioritize everything else every one else... this will help it already has..... over understanding others and not advocate for our own feelings.🎉🎉🎉🎉
Your marathon T-shirt explains your personality quite well.