Yeah, the problem is that these concepts are pretty utopian. The truth is that 60-70% of people are insecure and completely incapable of this communication AND some people will use “hurt” feelings as a manipulation. See the drama triangle. The victim position is always “sad, hurt, helpless, overwhelmed, uncomfy”. So sometimes it’s important to have objective reality. Nothing is worse than false accusations of “neglect, ignoring, etc”.
As long as you still put out what you feel with your partner is ok, if you think being happy is about shutting down and not saying what you think is not right then no
People feel most connected whe they feel heard. They feel most loved, when they feel connected. If she feels heard she will want commited longterm relationsip and also offer him listening. The same is with customers. If they feel heard, they always come back. They see a genuine interest. Woman feels loved the most, when she feels heard, therefore she is inspired to listen.....because she realizes on the other side of phone isnt just some "artificial robot" If man feels heard he feels loved the most. If their kids feel heard, they will listen because they feel loved and it inspires them to share ideas. "fake nice men" seek short term pleasure, or approval, from customers or wife, without listening. They probably are not bad men but they are most likely addicted to dopamine hit because "short term" pleasure gives much more dopamine and much faster, than "love and intimacy".... .because love and intimacy in sex connection" gives except dopamine also other hormones, like serotonin, oxytocin...there are much more pleasure happy chemicals during genuine sex love and intimacy. Plus genuine loving sex is better, because when woman is in love with aman, she wants to cook for her husband.....so the dopamine is very slow, but from different sources as hobbies, connection sports, so he gets slowly the dopamine, because he isnt "hustling" so much but its actually better, becausehe gets healthy connection with people. and he may go on picnic with kids so he gets the dopamine slowly....not so fast, but from differents sources as playing footbal or playing with kids. "genuine nice men" offer listening and communication and mutual respect. You seek a genuine partner but make sure when they offer genuine listening, or genuine texts that you are able to share a genuine ideas, so they see your true personality, so they react to your genuine personality, not to "a fantasy" self. (the fantasy of some tv show) only then you realize you have connection, because they react to your true personality, and you react to their true personality. Maybe humor is also a good indicator that the person is genuinelly interested, that isnt looking for a perfect answer all the time. So first listen to your thoughts, without judgment. It gives you love and empathy from yourself and to change some habits. because when you dont judge yourself you change habits much more easily. and then you are able to listen other people, so they feel heard, loved and happy and maybe they notice not just their flaws but also the good qualities about themselves. they see that you dont judge their flaws, or that they dont judge your falws because often flaws can be short term thing and people learn new things.
I just want to say that you add so much insight to the conversation that makes this video quite enjoyable! You are always bringing up points, perspectives, and questions that we have and that just goes to show how much you understand what couples are facing and I love and appreciate that! I would love to see more videos from you Jimmy!
I am sending this video to my husband and plan to schedule a time for us to talk which we have an unbelievably hard time doing. We are at a breaking point and I can not tell you how helpful what both of you do is to me! Bless you both
I love you both so much! While I’m not married, I don’t have the best examples of effective communication. I’ve gained so much from this and I hope to bring this not just into my marriage in the future but for any relationship that I have. Thank you for helping me become a better version of me. I’m so blessed that God put you in my life! 🥰🌻💛
Trying to be interested in soccer just because of my partner loving soccer only led to him blasting me with soccer facts constantly, instead of him trying learn more about me 😮💨
Virtually all marriage advice from marriage counselors is useless. Ultimately if each individual in a couple is emotionally mature, of average intelligence and cares for the other person then the marriage will be pretty easy. If either of the two are lacking in something of the above, well, no amount of “advice” on what to do will improve the marriage.
I just have to say, JIMMY, I love your little tangents! You’re so passionate about about these topics and the wisdom is flowing so quickly into your brain that your mouth can’t get it out fast enough. I can totally relate.🤣🙏🏻💕✨
I love how normal you two are, it is so relatable...and at the same time you're walking us all through the thought process around these topics. Amazing job! Thank you for exactly the way you show up.
Thank you all so much for this. I finally reached my limit after 40 years of silent treatments. The terrible part is how he only blamed ME for HIS silent treatment patterns so he wouldn’t get help! I finally filed for divorce and I could not be more glad. Contempt, projection and narcissistic stuff just became more than I wanted to handle. Your ideas work beautifully, but not with an emotionally abusive person.
Yes, as Richard Grannon says ( I’m paraphrasing badly but wanted to credit ) You can’t have an authentic conversation ( or I’d say : relationship ) with someone who is being inauthentic. The silent treatment is an inauthentic response from someone who actually refuses to relate and when habitual, is refusing to actually BE in relationship
OMG .... I've been married for 40 years and have been to counseling many times.. this web content has been more valuable than any session. I've accepted that my partner is so unaware and Ego driven,it's up to me to one day feel I deserve better and somehow heal from the pain we've both inflicted. Keep sharing 😊
OMG .... I've been married for 40 years and have been to counseling many times.. this web content has been more valuable than any session. I've accepted that my partner is so unaware and Ego driven,it's up to me to one day feel I deserve better and somehow heal from the pain we've both inflicted. Keep sharing 😊
Something I say when my partner is distancing himself is "What can I do or NOT do to help you?" This gives him the opportunity to give himself space if he needs that, to understand I am ready and available to hear all sides of his needs. Without judgement or me feeling cut down or guilty. Especially if I have anything to do with his stress.
I love this. Choosing to communicate instead of developing toxic cycles or labeling someone as a narcissist. It's overwhelmingly sad how much people throw words around these days.
This is so fantastic! Im reading The Love Prescription right now, and today marks the first day of the 7 day prescription. It took some pleading, but I got my partner to try it with me - I didnt get an agreement to read the book, but I did get my partner to say they would "try" the things in the book. Wish us luck!
Aside from learning how to conflict better myself in my current relationship, I am also teaching the skill I am learning to my 13 ur old daughter, who struggles with conflict because she hasn’t learned the skills yet. My goal is to help her learn these critical skills at an early age so she has successful relationships with all of the meaningful people in her life. Thank you so much for this video. I’m also sharing with my partner, since we both share a background of past unhealthy relationships. Keep up the amazing work. I appreciate it! 💛
Thank you for this. Really resonated with me to reiterate that we are fighting on the same side for our relationship, to end with both partners feeling loved.
This was wonderful!! One thing I wanted to address at some point one of you were giving an example and said “I feel unseen or I feel unheard” Within the last few months my boyfriend and I were in a relationship class where the main focus was non violent communication. Something we were taught is there are feelings and there are judgments and it’s really important to know the difference and be using feeling statements. (It is way easier said than done though haha we all struggled with it) but the judgment in this case would be “unseen” or “unheard” whereas the feeling may be: sad, angry, frustrated, etc.
Our family loves and appreciates your material so much Matthias and Jimmy. You guys touched on all of my chief concerns and questions. Thank you for all you do.
12:30 I feel... so this is how I have approached things in our marriage crisis but it didn't work. I still get left unloved, unheard, and alone. I still do this and he just stonewalls and shuts down!!
Is your husband a relative of mine? Going through the same stuff but with a twist... The guy I'm married to? Became a stranger 7 years ago by his own hands, and now, I live miserably alone, waiting for my number to be called because I'm literally stuck here.
@danielleheisler5321 how do you continue to function in a home when your husband of over 30 years becomes a stranger from a medical emergency? When you're literally dealing with a 5 year old mentality. He hasn't remembered 1 anniversary in 6 years and when I bring it up, he complains and gives excuses. This year? I wont be mentioning it because I don't want to remember it. The guy that came home from rehab, is now 100% a narcisist. He had the traits beforehand but it's a whole new level now and there's nowhere to go from here.
That was great. Thank you all. It shows really that the best and most thoughtful communication won't make up for someone who just doesn't care and respect you. If they don't they won't attempt to attend to needs or requests and just carry on in their own bubble
I guess I’ll have to watch the video now because my belief is that for a marriage to be successful and “rewarding” both individuals have to be emotionally mature, of average intelligence and care for each other. So much marriage advice completely look over that and jump right into “improving communication” or something else. Like trying to build a house on sand.
I am sending this to my husband & we are going to watch this on our TV in the living room together. I've been told I need to go to therapy or counseling, I think my husband needs to hear this video so that I'm not the crazy one. 😢
I truly enjoyed this so much! I love how relatable and relevant this conversation was. I'm a huge Gottman fan through and through but how you used different examples, broke down each part, and your own personal relationships was just so perfect and I can see better how my fiance and I can hopefully use this as a guide and reference. Thank you!
I feel like I am walking on eggshells and can’t make mistakes in communication because it immediately triggers my avoidant husband. “I feel” statements trigger him and he gets defensive and the counter-complaints take over. For example, if I say “I feel unheard” he hears “you never listen to me” so he follows with “nothing I do is enough for you.” I think my success rate is about 1 in 10.
Sounds like he needs to go to individual therapy because right now, it seems likely he's projecting his own wounds about not being enough onto your conversation. It is so frustrating to be making the effort you are and see someone seemingly committed to misunderstanding you. His toxic reaction isn't your fault. The phrase, "What did you hear me say?" might be worth trying. And if he responds with something that isn't what you said, gently let him know and ask that he try to respond to what you truly said. Another thing you might try is writing a letter to him. That might give him more time to reflect and not react so defensively. But don't put it on yourself. He needs to do his fair share.
Jimmy and Matthias, you're two of my favorite content creators, and I love that you're sharing this budding friendship with us 💗 Looking forward to more collaboration between you two.
But let's say some one says "you rejected me and you are selfish" the other can still choose to respond with "I hear you are feeling rejected. I can see how you can see that as selfish " harder to do but it is the key sometimes defusing the situation
Feeling “neglected” is NOT a feeling. It’s a perspective. That’s why someone is still defensive. Julie stated that you must use an EMOTION and then describe the situation.
1:04 Matthias totally describes my husband's posture. Trying to hold it up alone is painful! This whole thing... 😢 he wants the physical intimacy but. Or the engagement.
I enjoyed this interactive lecture very much! I especially relate a lot to the "i feel" statements portion because my partner still gets triggered by it even though I am just sharing my feelings and thinks I am trying to start an argument and becomes avoidant making me feel like my feelings aren't worthy of being heard. So I agree that if the other person isn't in a place where they are some what healed, the methods of "better" statements like " i feel" just won't work unfortunately. And so what should we do then?
Yesssss. Sometimes I spend *days* trying to word my hurts, always starting with “I feel/I felt” and still it is returned with the four horsemen. I’m just ready to give up at this point. 😔
Thank you very much for the recording, the timing could not have been better for me and my relationship. I look forward to reading the book and watching more content from you and Jimmy, subscribing!
Thank you both so much for this awesome interview and conversation. A huge growth curve for me has been realizing that emotions are actually very short a list! So sharing my feelings (6 core ones!!) is actually quite effective when it comes from a very full-body vulnerable I statement that could be 'felt' Anything that ends in 'ed' is usually a perception or a judgement word I'm using instead of the actual feeling word! (like a psuedo feeling!) ex: instead of I feel abandoned it's more like I feel sad and scared and story I'm making is that you've left and abandoned me.
This is what I found on an Instagram post. It said that everything ending with -ed is a judgement, accusing the other of not doing/not being/etc. And in the post, they also explained how we have to dig deep to know what’s really there. Odysseytoeden was the one account that I found talked about it lately. It was interesting for me. I hope Matthias and Jimmy would make a video one day about that. There is a book about a method. The S.E.W method by Julia Colwell, I think it is about that. Do you have ressources about that? :)
Thank you both for this conversation. I appreciate both of your time doing this interview. Very valuable information. I will definitely be utilizing this and be more intentional with my current relationship moving forward. I just started a new relationship so we have not had our first disagreement yet but I’m looking forward to the repair. Thanks again !
This was incredibly helpful! ❤ even though my husband and I value our relationship, we have struggled to know how to communicate effectively. Your videos, and now this wonderful gem of wisdom has really given us the tools we have been desiring. I feel confident now that we can authentically communicate. Holding infinite gratitude to JIMMY, Matthias and the Gottman’s for all your generosity 🙏🏻💕✨
Weaving my way thru healthy communication has been such a challenge for me. The biggest takeaways for me here in my own words were; You can always hit the brakes and back up in a convo. I said that wrong, let me try again… what a powerful display of self awareness. Your person is SURE to appreciate that. Stopping mid convo and just reminding your person (and yourself) that you are together, you love one another, and are working side by side to figure this out right now. Complete cheat code to promote connection amid chaos. *grabs a bagel and walks out*
Really found this entire presentation super insightful. I wasn't previously aware of the Gottmans, but will order the book now. Shared also with my adult sons. Loved watching you explore the themes in your own lives and your willingness to share your experiences. As a communications professional, I'd like to say your social media rocks and your entire approach makes these ideas more approachable for the everyday person and couple! It's empowering! French time zone, listened to recording.
Not everyone wants to process internal worlds or talk about them. How do you make a connection and build trust that feels safe for both parties to share
Validating can be as simple as paraphrasing what your partner shared, finding their truth in it, and showing them you are hearing them. It takes the temperature way down. If someone calls you a stupid jerk, that's not the time to resolve anything. Ask for a time out with the promise of coming back when both are calm. Enraged people are in amygdala hijack...not in sage cerebral cortex functioning.That aggressiveness will only escalate if the other engages.
Wow thank you so much this has really changed my perspective to fighting right and not getting defensive and changing my mindset and making me aware like you said. Thank you all🙏❤
Amazing amazing amazing. Thank you both so much for this! Ive followed you both for years now and this is just perfect. Its a good reminder to some things I forgot and some new information that I didnt know at all
This is excellent video and I will read the book. It amazes me how simple, some of these behaviors can be, but I think my personality supersedes my behaviors.. I think where am my wife and I struggling is with validation..we become defensive. That's where it falls apart.
Great video! Unfortunately, my two-year relationship ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, and I still love him deeply. I can't stop thinking about him. I've done everything I can to get him back, but nothing has worked. I'm frustrated and can't imagine my life with anyone else. Despite my best efforts, I can't get him out of my mind. I really miss him.
Hey Jimmy, Mathias, I’m really excited about the new course you have open enrollment on right now, from STUCK to secure. I am wanting to know before I sign up how long do we have access to the materials? How long is the course? or how many hours is it? Thanks you guys, I have one day left to sign up so hopefully you get this message 💕🙏🏻
Of course it is. A child doesn't want to disrupt their parent's calm, in general. They're kids and haven't developed their emotional intelligence or regulation, yet. It's always worth it to teach your kids about it and how you can each help each other.
37:49 I agree that saying "I can't control how you feel" is an unhelpful reply. Similarly, "I can't help how you download my statements" doesn't help me because it put all the responsibility on me to understand my partner.
Thank you, very helpful even though marriage ended quite a while ago. I hope to someday marry again, and don't want to repeat negative patterns. I can go through some grief when I think of ways I might have done differently. I am trying to use these tools in friendships and other relationships as they seem good for all kinds of conflict.
What if your partner makes a bid for connection, if it feels coercive? For example. He is cruel to you. But then later makes a bid for connection and your supposed to accept and act as if he wasn’t cruel? And not accepting means being ignored. Until he gives you another chance with another bid. And if you start ignoring bids, he says you are destroying the marriage.
When someone approaches their partner with I Feel statements, they aren't seeking for their partner to 'fix' it. They are seeking for their partner to 'hear' them.
Am I the only one who thought Mrs Gotman was rude when she called her husband out and said ha ha at about the 19 min going forward? She did not take their own advice, and ha Ha was totally uncalled for. I'll take Jimmies advice all day anyday. Also i don't have a problem with honesty. Telling someone they are rude if they are being rude. And I don't mind someone calling me out and apologizing when I'm in the wrong. Just saying my truth.
I think she was quick to correct to avoid misunderstandings of the process. If they have high relational capital it’s easy for John to let it go and give her the benefit of the doubt. The question would be: is she really trying to put him down or was it an automatic response to give the right info?
It’s both.. visually seeking out your partner and behaviorally, facing them when communicating, sitting close to them, making verbal / nonverbal gestures that indicate you are aware and care if your partner is relating to you in someway.. Turning toward is also.. remediating a ‘ dismissive ‘ or ‘ distracted ‘ behavior.. not returning eye contact, responding to utterances or asking for clarification instead of hiding behind defensiveness .. I.e. saying ‘ Huh ? Uh sorry.. will you say that again ?’ Instead of .. ‘ I didn’t hear you, OKAYYY.. jeeze.. you can SEE I was watching or doing or thinking something.. ‘ AND then NOT following up on the original issue.. your partners non response to your bid .. This means You ( the initiator or bidder ) are feeling rejected devalued blamed shamed gaslit ( obviously not hearing wasn’t the problem because after you explained or repeated, they did remedy the issue ) and then stupid vulnerable unappreciated under attack and unloved.. for Attempting to connect, working hard to connect and continuing to be wounded by their intentional desire to punish you in return
I interpret “turning towards” to mean expressing a conscious interest in listening, hearing, connecting and engaging with them. Being present. Showing them that they are valuable to you. This can show up in many different ways. As opposed to dismissing their feelings, or being distracted by other things, which can lead to them feeling unimportant. It doesn’t come naturally to all of us, but it is incredibly beneficial to a healthy relationship. Glad you are here learning about it. So grateful for these conversations. 🙏🏻
They fired their counselor for advising that he set a boundary. Are they saying that there should not be boundaries in marriage, do you address healthy boundaries?
I don't think they were saying not to set boundaries. They were just saying don't lead with that. That It is not the answer or solution to the problems they were having. Not the end all be all. That is Something that is necessary but Has to be used the right time and place. Their counselor wasn't looking any deeper. Sometimes counselors latch on to one thing when there is so much nuance in relationships to be explored.
You convince your husband come to get individual therapy.. We tried some couple counseling, with some limited success. But it was really, talking it through with another man, that help me
Saying; “Would you please clean it up?” (His place always.) He as an avoidant would take it as he isn’t capable, are my arms broke or I’m bossy. He is ADHD & medium hoarder. So try not to judge him. But do get frustrated when he doesn’t talk while we share bedroom only place a/c is provided. I visit from hours away every other weekend. But cut visits now 3 weeks to give space. We In late 60’s
I tell my partner how I feel and then he turns it on me. It is a cycle in an argument that takes forever for repair. Then he turns and says that I turned it on him when I tell him how I feel? I use I statements and I am not perfect, I slip up but he gets defensive even if I use I statements. I feel hurt by his defensiveness to my feelings. Very hurtful. Not sure if this relationship will last.
Not simple as that. I've done exactly that, even saying a positive thing...that a clean kitchen helps me relax. Response: "Those are not my dishes. it. Probably *insert kids name*. Tell them to clean it." (They are his dishes and so is all the grease on the countertops & cabinets from the giant meal he made at 3am earlier in the morning, it's not the person he blames & he doesn't share the effort in getting the issue resolved or responding positively). Or "Oh ok everything is my fault." 🤦🏼♀️ I think this is hopeless.
14:05 feels a little off to me. I understand her focus is disregarding who's to blame instead focus on the issues and how to resolve it, but one thing I don't understand is then how can you make your partner grow out of bad habits or not repeat the same mistakes if they don't know that it's due to their mistake that caused the issue? I know people can change in some ways and maybe not so much in other ways but we are adults and it is naive to think we cannot understand our mistake and be better. do better. It's kind of like when your child does something wrong and the mother comforts him to make him feel like it's okay and he did nothing wrong. While the dad make's it known he did do something wrong and their are consequences for it and he should learn not to repeat these mistakes because it's not doing any good. As adults I don't agree we should treat each other as kids and disregard mistakes we did. I think it should be pointed out to inform them why it is an issue so they can learn it bothers their partner and change or compromise. Not hold the issues against them or using it as a reason to make them feel insult them. But they do need to understand what wrong doing they did. And I know the word fault is something couples try to avoid because no one wants to feel wrong but it does not mean it doesn't exist. By default if someone makes a mistake or does something that bothers their partner then they are at fault for causing the issue. Why else would their need for anyone to say sorry if they aren't at fault. I think we are mature enough to understand when it's our fault for the issue at hand & accepting accountability and amending for it is maturity.
Stating a positive need is the solution to encouraging behaviors that will help meet your needs / solve the problems leading to how youre feeling. Seeing the issue as a situation, and not how your partner is just X, Y, Z judgment "has bad behaviors, doesnt listen" means your partner is the problem. Big picture, known expectations and helping each other meet them is the goal ❤
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It reminds me of, "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?" Valuable reminder to stay intentional about your relationship.
Yeah, the problem is that these concepts are pretty utopian. The truth is that 60-70% of people are insecure and completely incapable of this communication AND some people will use “hurt” feelings as a manipulation. See the drama triangle. The victim position is always “sad, hurt, helpless, overwhelmed, uncomfy”.
So sometimes it’s important to have objective reality. Nothing is worse than false accusations of “neglect, ignoring, etc”.
As long as you still put out what you feel with your partner is ok, if you think being happy is about shutting down and not saying what you think is not right then no
People feel most connected whe they feel heard. They feel most loved, when they feel connected.
If she feels heard she will want commited longterm relationsip and also offer him listening.
The same is with customers. If they feel heard, they always come back. They see a genuine interest.
Woman feels loved the most, when she feels heard, therefore she is inspired to listen.....because she realizes on the other side of phone isnt just some "artificial robot"
If man feels heard he feels loved the most.
If their kids feel heard, they will listen because they feel loved and it inspires them to share ideas.
"fake nice men" seek short term pleasure, or approval, from customers or wife, without listening.
They probably are not bad men but they are most likely addicted to dopamine hit
because "short term" pleasure gives much more dopamine and much faster, than "love and intimacy"....
.because love and intimacy in sex connection" gives except dopamine also other hormones,
like serotonin, oxytocin...there are much more pleasure happy chemicals during genuine sex love and intimacy.
Plus genuine loving sex is better, because when woman is in love with aman,
she wants to cook for her husband.....so the dopamine is very slow, but from different sources
as hobbies, connection sports,
so he gets slowly the dopamine, because he isnt "hustling" so much but its actually better, becausehe gets healthy connection with people.
and he may go on picnic with kids so he gets the dopamine slowly....not so fast, but from differents sources as playing footbal or playing with kids.
"genuine nice men" offer listening and communication and mutual respect.
You seek a genuine partner
but make sure when they offer genuine listening, or genuine texts
that you are able to share a genuine ideas, so they see your true personality,
so they react to your genuine personality, not to "a fantasy" self. (the fantasy of some tv show)
only then you realize you have connection, because they react to your true personality, and you react to their true personality.
Maybe humor is also a good indicator that the person is genuinelly interested, that isnt looking for a perfect answer all the time.
So first listen to your thoughts, without judgment. It gives you love and empathy from yourself and to change some habits.
because when you dont judge yourself you change habits much more easily.
and then you are able to listen other people, so they feel heard, loved and happy and
maybe they notice not just their flaws but also the good qualities about themselves.
they see that you dont judge their flaws, or that they dont judge your falws because often flaws can be short term thing and people learn new things.
Please dont take this down! We need all the help we can get with what we have which is not alot these days.
I felt a little off on this one, the echo's were distracting me (even if the headphones were off), sorry if anyone could notice 😂
I just want to say that you add so much insight to the conversation that makes this video quite enjoyable! You are always bringing up points, perspectives, and questions that we have and that just goes to show how much you understand what couples are facing and I love and appreciate that! I would love to see more videos from you Jimmy!
You did well, Jimmy. Couldn’t tell at all. Thanks for this.
I didn’t notice.
you did fine. I could see you were distracted, but, you pulled it off and all is well.
You did great. Thank you for all you do 🙏🏼
I am sending this video to my husband and plan to schedule a time for us to talk which we have an unbelievably hard time doing. We are at a breaking point and I can not tell you how helpful what both of you do is to me! Bless you both
Better still, get the book!
I love you both so much! While I’m not married, I don’t have the best examples of effective communication. I’ve gained so much from this and I hope to bring this not just into my marriage in the future but for any relationship that I have. Thank you for helping me become a better version of me. I’m so blessed that God put you in my life! 🥰🌻💛
Trying to be interested in soccer just because of my partner loving soccer only led to him blasting me with soccer facts constantly, instead of him trying learn more about me 😮💨
Dont give up! Keep learning about men and yourself as a woman...you can do it!😊
Virtually all marriage advice from marriage counselors is useless.
Ultimately if each individual in a couple is emotionally mature, of average intelligence and cares for the other person then the marriage will be pretty easy. If either of the two are lacking in something of the above, well, no amount of “advice” on what to do will improve the marriage.
Gottmans are the GOAT. Such a great interview.
I just have to say, JIMMY, I love your little tangents! You’re so passionate about about these topics and the wisdom is flowing so quickly into your brain that your mouth can’t get it out fast enough. I can totally relate.🤣🙏🏻💕✨
I love how normal you two are, it is so relatable...and at the same time you're walking us all through the thought process around these topics. Amazing job! Thank you for exactly the way you show up.
I agree, this was very helpful
Thank you all so much for this. I finally reached my limit after 40 years of silent treatments. The terrible part is how he only blamed ME for HIS silent treatment patterns so he wouldn’t get help! I finally filed for divorce and I could not be more glad. Contempt, projection and narcissistic stuff just became more than I wanted to handle. Your ideas work beautifully, but not with an emotionally abusive person.
Yes, as Richard Grannon says ( I’m paraphrasing badly but wanted to credit ) You can’t have an authentic conversation ( or I’d say : relationship ) with someone who is being inauthentic. The silent treatment is an inauthentic response from someone who actually refuses to relate and when habitual, is refusing to actually BE in relationship
OMG .... I've been married for 40 years and have been to counseling many times.. this web content has been more valuable than any session. I've accepted that my partner is so unaware and Ego driven,it's up to me to one day feel I deserve better and somehow heal from the pain we've both inflicted. Keep sharing 😊
OMG .... I've been married for 40 years and have been to counseling many times.. this web content has been more valuable than any session. I've accepted that my partner is so unaware and Ego driven,it's up to me to one day feel I deserve better and somehow heal from the pain we've both inflicted. Keep sharing 😊
Thank you Jimmy!
Something I say when my partner is distancing himself is "What can I do or NOT do to help you?"
This gives him the opportunity to give himself space if he needs that, to understand I am ready and available to hear all sides of his needs. Without judgement or me feeling cut down or guilty. Especially if I have anything to do with his stress.
Thank you so much for recording and uploading this conversation! I love that you are advocating for healthy conversations and modeling how it's done!
I love this. Choosing to communicate instead of developing toxic cycles or labeling someone as a narcissist.
It's overwhelmingly sad how much people throw words around these days.
Yes it is. Everyone under stress.
This is so fantastic! Im reading The Love Prescription right now, and today marks the first day of the 7 day prescription. It took some pleading, but I got my partner to try it with me - I didnt get an agreement to read the book, but I did get my partner to say they would "try" the things in the book. Wish us luck!
Aside from learning how to conflict better myself in my current relationship, I am also teaching the skill I am learning to my 13 ur old daughter, who struggles with conflict because she hasn’t learned the skills yet. My goal is to help her learn these critical skills at an early age so she has successful relationships with all of the meaningful people in her life. Thank you so much for this video. I’m also sharing with my partner, since we both share a background of past unhealthy relationships. Keep up the amazing work. I appreciate it! 💛
I love to read Gottman’s books as well❤
Thank you for this. Really resonated with me to reiterate that we are fighting on the same side for our relationship, to end with both partners feeling loved.
This was wonderful!! One thing I wanted to address at some point one of you were giving an example and said “I feel unseen or I feel unheard” Within the last few months my boyfriend and I were in a relationship class where the main focus was non violent communication. Something we were taught is there are feelings and there are judgments and it’s really important to know the difference and be using feeling statements. (It is way easier said than done though haha we all struggled with it) but the judgment in this case would be “unseen” or “unheard” whereas the feeling may be: sad, angry, frustrated, etc.
Thank you Jimmy and Matthias. Loved this conversation. I hope to use this going forward.
Our family loves and appreciates your material so much Matthias and Jimmy. You guys touched on all of my chief concerns and questions.
Thank you for all you do.
12:30 I feel... so this is how I have approached things in our marriage crisis but it didn't work. I still get left unloved, unheard, and alone. I still do this and he just stonewalls and shuts down!!
Do you have a specific example? I'd love.to hear it and hear Matthias & Jimmy's perspective.
Is your husband a relative of mine? Going through the same stuff but with a twist...
The guy I'm married to? Became a stranger 7 years ago by his own hands, and now, I live miserably alone, waiting for my number to be called because I'm literally stuck here.
@danielleheisler5321 how do you continue to function in a home when your husband of over 30 years becomes a stranger from a medical emergency? When you're literally dealing with a 5 year old mentality.
He hasn't remembered 1 anniversary in 6 years and when I bring it up, he complains and gives excuses.
This year? I wont be mentioning it because I don't want to remember it.
The guy that came home from rehab, is now 100% a narcisist. He had the traits beforehand but it's a whole new level now and there's nowhere to go from here.
That was great. Thank you all. It shows really that the best and most thoughtful communication won't make up for someone who just doesn't care and respect you. If they don't they won't attempt to attend to needs or requests and just carry on in their own bubble
Just read this but I’m only 20 minutes in. God I think this is my exact situation
I guess I’ll have to watch the video now because my belief is that for a marriage to be successful and “rewarding” both individuals have to be emotionally mature, of average intelligence and care for each other.
So much marriage advice completely look over that and jump right into “improving communication” or something else. Like trying to build a house on sand.
This is such a brilliant and helpful conversation! Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
I am sending this to my husband & we are going to watch this on our TV in the living room together. I've been told I need to go to therapy or counseling, I think my husband needs to hear this video so that I'm not the crazy one. 😢
I truly enjoyed this so much! I love how relatable and relevant this conversation was. I'm a huge Gottman fan through and through but how you used different examples, broke down each part, and your own personal relationships was just so perfect and I can see better how my fiance and I can hopefully use this as a guide and reference. Thank you!
Listening from Bolivia, what a great conversation, thank you!
I feel like I am walking on eggshells and can’t make mistakes in communication because it immediately triggers my avoidant husband. “I feel” statements trigger him and he gets defensive and the counter-complaints take over. For example, if I say “I feel unheard” he hears “you never listen to me” so he follows with “nothing I do is enough for you.”
I think my success rate is about 1 in 10.
Sounds like he needs to go to individual therapy because right now, it seems likely he's projecting his own wounds about not being enough onto your conversation. It is so frustrating to be making the effort you are and see someone seemingly committed to misunderstanding you. His toxic reaction isn't your fault.
The phrase, "What did you hear me say?" might be worth trying. And if he responds with something that isn't what you said, gently let him know and ask that he try to respond to what you truly said. Another thing you might try is writing a letter to him. That might give him more time to reflect and not react so defensively. But don't put it on yourself. He needs to do his fair share.
This is a goldmine! Thanks for making it available (New Zealand time can be tricky)
Great video!!! Love the insight, and its right on the money!!! I appreciate you posting this.
Jimmy and Matthias, you're two of my favorite content creators, and I love that you're sharing this budding friendship with us 💗 Looking forward to more collaboration between you two.
But let's say some one says "you rejected me and you are selfish" the other can still choose to respond with "I hear you are feeling rejected. I can see how you can see that as selfish " harder to do but it is the key sometimes defusing the situation
self reflection and emotional intelligence! YES! Those are essential and worthwhile for sure. Love you guys so much for this video!
Validating is to the feeling, not the fact or opinion
Both of your work is so important and valuable! Thank you !
Feeling “neglected” is NOT a feeling. It’s a perspective. That’s why someone is still defensive.
Julie stated that you must use an EMOTION and then describe the situation.
Feeling might be lonely, sad, lacking connection. What else? Anyone?
1:04 Matthias totally describes my husband's posture. Trying to hold it up alone is painful! This whole thing... 😢 he wants the physical intimacy but. Or the engagement.
I enjoyed this interactive lecture very much! I especially relate a lot to the "i feel" statements portion because my partner still gets triggered by it even though I am just sharing my feelings and thinks I am trying to start an argument and becomes avoidant making me feel like my feelings aren't worthy of being heard. So I agree that if the other person isn't in a place where they are some what healed, the methods of "better" statements like " i feel" just won't work unfortunately. And so what should we do then?
Yesssss. Sometimes I spend *days* trying to word my hurts, always starting with “I feel/I felt” and still it is returned with the four horsemen. I’m just ready to give up at this point. 😔
Thank you very much for the recording, the timing could not have been better for me and my relationship. I look forward to reading the book and watching more content from you and Jimmy, subscribing!
Reassurance in the middle. Thats gold. I love the way you explained it. That would help me so much myself to hear. Great tool. Thank you.
Thanks for uploading!
Thank you both so much for this awesome interview and conversation. A huge growth curve for me has been realizing that emotions are actually very short a list! So sharing my feelings (6 core ones!!) is actually quite effective when it comes from a very full-body vulnerable I statement that could be 'felt' Anything that ends in 'ed' is usually a perception or a judgement word I'm using instead of the actual feeling word! (like a psuedo feeling!) ex: instead of I feel abandoned it's more like I feel sad and scared and story I'm making is that you've left and abandoned me.
This is what I found on an Instagram post.
It said that everything ending with -ed is a judgement, accusing the other of not doing/not being/etc.
And in the post, they also explained how we have to dig deep to know what’s really there.
Odysseytoeden was the one account that I found talked about it lately.
It was interesting for me.
I hope Matthias and Jimmy would make a video one day about that.
There is a book about a method. The S.E.W method by Julia Colwell, I think it is about that.
Do you have ressources about that? :)
Thanks for the recording. I will watch it again and again. It’s very empowering and loads of reflection. Thanks again
Jimmy, Matthias thank you so much for caring so much ❤ and sharing these wonderful information with us.
Thank you both for this conversation. I appreciate both of your time doing this interview. Very valuable information. I will definitely be utilizing this and be more intentional with my current relationship moving forward. I just started a new relationship so we have not had our first disagreement yet but I’m looking forward to the repair. Thanks again !
This was incredibly helpful! ❤ even though my husband and I value our relationship, we have struggled to know how to communicate effectively. Your videos, and now this wonderful gem of wisdom has really given us the tools we have been desiring. I feel confident now that we can authentically communicate. Holding infinite gratitude to JIMMY, Matthias and the Gottman’s for all your generosity 🙏🏻💕✨
Weaving my way thru healthy communication has been such a challenge for me. The biggest takeaways for me here in my own words were;
You can always hit the brakes and back up in a convo. I said that wrong, let me try again… what a powerful display of self awareness. Your person is SURE to appreciate that.
Stopping mid convo and just reminding your person (and yourself) that you are together, you love one another, and are working side by side to figure this out right now. Complete cheat code to promote connection amid chaos.
*grabs a bagel and walks out*
These are all good things. Bit not all partners are SURE to appreciate it. Some use not as a sign of weakness and now they can really treat you badly.
Really found this entire presentation super insightful. I wasn't previously aware of the Gottmans, but will order the book now. Shared also with my adult sons. Loved watching you explore the themes in your own lives and your willingness to share your experiences. As a communications professional, I'd like to say your social media rocks and your entire approach makes these ideas more approachable for the everyday person and couple! It's empowering! French time zone, listened to recording.
“Familiarity breeds contempt.” I can’t wait to see this!
Tennessee here to Mr baker awesome video im trying to learn an grow to be better in my relationships myself.
Not everyone wants to process internal worlds or talk about them. How do you make a connection and build trust that feels safe for both parties to share
Great interview. Thanks for sharing
Great interview and chat! Some real gems. Thank you! 😊
Validating can be as simple as paraphrasing what your partner shared, finding their truth in it, and showing them you are hearing them. It takes the temperature way down.
If someone calls you a stupid jerk, that's not the time to resolve anything. Ask for a time out with the promise of coming back when both are calm.
Enraged people are in amygdala hijack...not in sage cerebral cortex functioning.That aggressiveness will only escalate if the other engages.
Thank you for sharing this info and talking us through it. Cheers to deeper relationships. 🥰
Thank you both for this workshop…. Really helpful and useful to me personally and professionally. Love your humour and fun…. More please!❤
This was truly helpful…so thankful for your approach guys…i’ve got lots to think about and try to incorporate into my relationship.
Good work!
Wow thank you so much this has really changed my perspective to fighting right and not getting defensive and changing my mindset and making me aware like you said. Thank you all🙏❤
SO wonderful! Will save this to watch again and again. 💥💕💥
Amazing amazing amazing. Thank you both so much for this! Ive followed you both for years now and this is just perfect. Its a good reminder to some things I forgot and some new information that I didnt know at all
Thanks for this! I rewatched it now cause I live in Asia ❤ shared with my husband too. Keep spreading the knowledge guys!
Thank you guys so much for all you're doing its so helpful!
Absolutely loved this interview and the conversation afterwards❤ so many useful advice and conflict repair techniques. Thank you for everything!
This is
excellent video and I will read the book. It amazes me how simple, some of these behaviors can be, but I think my personality supersedes my behaviors..
I think where am my wife and I struggling is with validation..we become defensive.
That's where it falls apart.
I THOUGHT WE BOTH LOVED PLANTS!!! 😂😂
You guys are truely hekpful. ThaAnk you❤
Yes it can help rebuild trust if only he would...
Mathias, what kind of camera set-up do you have?! Nice warm cinematography aesthetic to it. Impressive.
Great video! Unfortunately, my two-year relationship ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, and I still love him deeply. I can't stop thinking about him. I've done everything I can to get him back, but nothing has worked. I'm frustrated and can't imagine my life with anyone else. Despite my best efforts, I can't get him out of my mind. I really miss him.
That's amazing! How did you find a spiritual counselor, and how can I reach him?
Thank you for this valuable information! I just looked him up online, and he seems impressive.
Great Interview ❤
I finally know who the plant person is at Jimmy's house! Awesome. The plants add so much to your videos!
Happy to know Jimmy lends a hand with the plants, as needed!
Cool! Great episode. Love you all!
Hey Jimmy, Mathias, I’m really excited about the new course you have open enrollment on right now, from STUCK to secure. I am wanting to know before I sign up how long do we have access to the materials?
How long is the course? or how many hours is it?
Thanks you guys, I have one day left to sign up so hopefully you get this message 💕🙏🏻
Two of the favourites ❤
Listening to their little disagreement at 20 minutes was just adorable. 😂
Dankeschön. Thank you ❤
Thanks for uploading , couldn't make it midnight as per Indian time zone..!!
I have a question about the number of bids for attention and how that varies across attachment styles. Has there been any work on this?
I wonder if this a good way to talk to children too: I am feeling stressed out that the toys are on the floor, would you please clean it up...
Of course it is. A child doesn't want to disrupt their parent's calm, in general. They're kids and haven't developed their emotional intelligence or regulation, yet. It's always worth it to teach your kids about it and how you can each help each other.
Can I get a copy of. I love all of this and I could use it in my relationship.
Love it! Thanks for sharing 🙏🙏
Really the non-violente communication (from Dr. Rosenberg) works miracles 🤗
Just like the lady with the inheritance, I did that but he did not care about it. Still said no cause he values money more than me.
37:49 I agree that saying "I can't control how you feel" is an unhelpful reply. Similarly, "I can't help how you download my statements" doesn't help me because it put all the responsibility on me to understand my partner.
Thank you, very helpful even though marriage ended quite a while ago. I hope to someday marry again, and don't want to repeat negative patterns. I can go through some grief when I think of ways I might have done differently. I am trying to use these tools in friendships and other relationships as they seem good for all kinds of conflict.
Could I get a copy of the books as well? The Gottmans are really good
How long will this stay up Matthias and Jimmy? Hoping to watch next weekend, but aware they usually don’t last that long 😊
Thank you. Great content
Ugh! I am always initiating and giving him what he needs to address said hurt but it's never given back to me. 😢
What if your partner makes a bid for connection, if it feels coercive?
For example. He is cruel to you. But then later makes a bid for connection and your supposed to accept and act as if he wasn’t cruel?
And not accepting means being ignored. Until he gives you another chance with another bid.
And if you start ignoring bids, he says you are destroying the marriage.
When someone approaches their partner with I Feel statements, they aren't seeking for their partner to 'fix' it. They are seeking for their partner to 'hear' them.
Am I the only one who thought Mrs Gotman was rude when she called her husband out and said ha ha at about the 19 min going forward? She did not take their own advice, and ha Ha was totally uncalled for. I'll take Jimmies advice all day anyday. Also i don't have a problem with honesty. Telling someone they are rude if they are being rude. And I don't mind someone calling me out and apologizing when I'm in the wrong. Just saying my truth.
I think she was quick to correct to avoid misunderstandings of the process. If they have high relational capital it’s easy for John to let it go and give her the benefit of the doubt. The question would be: is she really trying to put him down or was it an automatic response to give the right info?
I’m new to you all.
Can you explain what ‘turn towards’ means?
Is it simply facing your partner more ?
Or more involved?
It’s both.. visually seeking out your partner and behaviorally, facing them when communicating, sitting close to them, making verbal / nonverbal gestures that indicate you are aware and care if your partner is relating to you in someway..
Turning toward is also.. remediating a ‘ dismissive ‘ or ‘ distracted ‘ behavior.. not returning eye contact, responding to utterances or asking for clarification instead of hiding behind defensiveness .. I.e. saying ‘ Huh ? Uh sorry.. will you say that again ?’ Instead of .. ‘ I didn’t hear you, OKAYYY.. jeeze.. you can SEE I was watching or doing or thinking something.. ‘
AND then NOT following up on the original issue.. your partners non response to your bid ..
This means You ( the initiator or bidder ) are feeling rejected devalued blamed shamed gaslit ( obviously not hearing wasn’t the problem because after you explained or repeated, they did remedy the issue )
and then stupid vulnerable unappreciated under attack and unloved.. for Attempting to connect, working hard to connect and continuing to be wounded by their intentional desire to punish you in return
I interpret “turning towards” to mean expressing a conscious interest in listening, hearing, connecting and engaging with them. Being present. Showing them that they are valuable to you. This can show up in many different ways. As opposed to dismissing their feelings, or being distracted by other things, which can lead to them feeling unimportant. It doesn’t come naturally to all of us, but it is incredibly beneficial to a healthy relationship. Glad you are here learning about it. So grateful for these conversations. 🙏🏻
They always talk about “couples who form toward each other” or don’t. What are the statistics when one person forms toward bids and the other doesn’t?
They fired their counselor for advising that he set a boundary. Are they saying that there should not be boundaries in marriage, do you address healthy boundaries?
I don't think they were saying not to set boundaries. They were just saying don't lead with that. That It is not the answer or solution to the problems they were having. Not the end all be all. That is Something that is necessary but Has to be used the right time and place. Their counselor wasn't looking any deeper. Sometimes counselors latch on to one thing when there is so much nuance in relationships to be explored.
I think it was the way she was saying: Just put your foot down and tell her NO! That’s what the issue was
I am married to a dismissive avoidant. The only emotion he can or will communicate is anger. He can’t identify any other feelings. What do I do?
You convince your husband come to get individual therapy.. We tried some couple counseling, with some limited success. But it was really, talking it through with another man, that help me
Is there any way that I can get a book?
Saying; “Would you please clean it up?” (His place always.) He as an avoidant would take it as he isn’t capable, are my arms broke or I’m bossy. He is ADHD & medium hoarder. So try not to judge him. But do get frustrated when he doesn’t talk while we share bedroom only place a/c is provided.
I visit from hours away every other weekend. But cut visits now 3 weeks to give space. We In late 60’s
What to do when you partner repeatedly avoids your bids for connection and this is not a phase; it's become a position.
It’s a message that they want to be alone. Which hurts like hell, I am sure. Just leave them somehow.
I tell my partner how I feel and then he turns it on me. It is a cycle in an argument that takes forever for repair. Then he turns and says that I turned it on him when I tell him how I feel? I use I statements and I am not perfect, I slip up but he gets defensive even if I use I statements. I feel hurt by his defensiveness to my feelings. Very hurtful. Not sure if this relationship will last.
Not simple as that. I've done exactly that, even saying a positive thing...that a clean kitchen helps me relax. Response: "Those are not my dishes. it. Probably *insert kids name*. Tell them to clean it." (They are his dishes and so is all the grease on the countertops & cabinets from the giant meal he made at 3am earlier in the morning, it's not the person he blames & he doesn't share the effort in getting the issue resolved or responding positively). Or "Oh ok everything is my fault." 🤦🏼♀️ I think this is hopeless.
14:05 feels a little off to me. I understand her focus is disregarding who's to blame instead focus on the issues and how to resolve it, but one thing I don't understand is then how can you make your partner grow out of bad habits or not repeat the same mistakes if they don't know that it's due to their mistake that caused the issue? I know people can change in some ways and maybe not so much in other ways but we are adults and it is naive to think we cannot understand our mistake and be better. do better. It's kind of like when your child does something wrong and the mother comforts him to make him feel like it's okay and he did nothing wrong. While the dad make's it known he did do something wrong and their are consequences for it and he should learn not to repeat these mistakes because it's not doing any good. As adults I don't agree we should treat each other as kids and disregard mistakes we did. I think it should be pointed out to inform them why it is an issue so they can learn it bothers their partner and change or compromise. Not hold the issues against them or using it as a reason to make them feel insult them. But they do need to understand what wrong doing they did. And I know the word fault is something couples try to avoid because no one wants to feel wrong but it does not mean it doesn't exist. By default if someone makes a mistake or does something that bothers their partner then they are at fault for causing the issue. Why else would their need for anyone to say sorry if they aren't at fault. I think we are mature enough to understand when it's our fault for the issue at hand & accepting accountability and amending for it is maturity.
Stating a positive need is the solution to encouraging behaviors that will help meet your needs / solve the problems leading to how youre feeling.
Seeing the issue as a situation, and not how your partner is just X, Y, Z judgment "has bad behaviors, doesnt listen" means your partner is the problem. Big picture, known expectations and helping each other meet them is the goal ❤