74: John Gottman - How to Build Trust and Positive Energy in Your Relationship

[@laurasloveadvice]

What a wonderfully done interview! Thank you so much for sharing this crucial information! My favorite line,"I find myself walking around saying boy I'm one lucky guy to have Julie in my life. And I just sing her praises." 💕

[@Kajpaje]

Thank you. Maybe too late hearing this, but better late than never.

[@ASLTeachingResources]

My husband and I took the love list and evaluated our marriage, then made a commitment to work on the areas where we were lacking. Always growing our relationship.

[@selinan3077]

where can i find this love list?

[@jackiesell2877]

Excellent! I had the pleasure of attending a training taught by John and Julie Gottman. I love the way he presents information so down to earth and easy to understand.

[@earthcretia]

I feel so blessed that you and Julie are here, with research, that tells us exactly what works in building a loving relationship. Thank you so much for data based recommendations.

[@ShellySellsSTL]

Thank you for being you and doing what you do!

[@emines9132]

OMG I LOVE YOU, this made my day, a must listen!!

[@bezza2005]

Just amazing truly.

[@sadanandamilpur8409]

Lot of information and useful information !!!

[@christianlamb]

Outstanding interview!! Thx!!❤❤

[@user-ky7le8ni4l]

Excellent information. I enjoyed and took notes ✅

[@sylvianneheim4256]

I grew a bit this Sunday afternoon. Thanks

[@genesebelius4466]

Very interesting. Topic. Thank you

[@janicesmith1237]

Always interesting and enriching! Thank you!

[@sandram6068]

Love this
Thank you!

[@aquastone5870]

Continued from last comment:
The first 18 months were fantastic for us both. The last 5 months are only fun and good when I pay to maintain our lifestyle. If I close the money purse, it's one argument after another, it's all about his depression, he needs gas, he needs income, he needs sex, he needs....

[@bubbalicious797]

Sadly, you are being used. I'm sorry.

[@loveswintertrees]

They never talk about abuse or when one person rejects repair attempts when they are responsible for major disrespect, when they say they don’t care, when they deny and gaslight but suddenly want to try Gottman. I feel they are weaponizing it against me now.

[@niiniiwangio]

Very helpful!

[@earthcretia]

PS and Neil thank you for hosting such great people!

[@sianafilippo]

Hello, tried to get download and it didn't work. Would love to have the dream exercise. Thank you

[@cynthiabauer5763]

Spectacular

[@bezza2005]

Amazing

[@gracielacanedo3195]

What's the music at the end of the podcast?

[@stethoscanomaly]

"have trust and commitment in your relationship and it will be good" (wow... insight of the century)
"so how do you build trust and commitment?"
"uh well, just talk about it or something... and if you don't have it it doesn't work"
Gee wiz. How useful. So many academics approach things in this way. Thinking that their patently obvious conclusions are somehow more meaningful because of their "game theory research and statistics and blah blah". Everyone knows you need trust and commitment. Neil was the only one who actually provided suggestions for actively building these things in your relationship.

[@zaidabuffkins6149]

You need to listen properly!!!

[@onedirectionlover317]

Besides, implementing some of the specific things he does mention is harder than it looks! Going to your partner with your needs rather than relying mostly on others to complain to, etc. can be counterintuitive for many. His example about the husband articulating happiness at talking to an office woman and it making him realize that he missed his wife? That's challenging for both parties! Challenging for the husband to articulate in a way that won't hurt his wife (especially with a new baby!), challenging for the wife to listen to. It requires a level of awareness of these concepts that I think is probably challenging to come by without stuff like this.

[@drshonna]

I appreciate the conversation. Here’s what I would like to know. What are the demographics of the people in these studies and the sample sizes. I believe the information cannot be generalized to certain populations and demographics. It’s rudimentary and can be irresponsible to push for commitment when there are factors present that are damaging to one’s mental health. Asking someone to hold on and commit to someone who is a habitual infidel, a habitual liar, who is disrespectful, not present, emotionally detached, financially irresponsible, rebellious, vengeful, having children out of wedlock due to an affair while married, etc..... this is the population I work with. Do you suggest pushing commitment despite research that speaks on the effects of prolong stress and adversity? That’s where I fully disagree. No research is completely solid and as researchers we know there are LIMITATIONS and that should be noted in the discussions. Neil please get comfortable with challenging and pushing back. Us researchers expect it and appreciate it.

[@onedirectionlover317]

I mean, he addresses pretty clearly that there are very specific situations where an asymmetry of emotional attunement works, and therefore the implication that most of the time it doesn't. That obviously extends outward to situations of abuse. These are targeted towards people in healthy relationships. I think anyone whose partner wouldn't appreciate the message of the content (even if they might be puzzled at having "relationship therapist" content pushed at them) should probably leave their partner. On the other hand, as a therapist, he's worked with challenging couples, and he has worked with couples who face infidelity, and his reaction to Esther Perel makes it clear that working through infidelity requires the unfaithful partner to really come to terms with the hurt they have caused, and his message even in this podcast is about going to your partner with your needs instead of someone else, so he really emphasizes that people subject to temptation work to counter it. If anything, I'd view his message about commitment to be targeted more towards that kind of person you describe - the habitual infidel, liar, etc. etc. He himself is divorced and talks about the "Four Horsemen", and while people might have horsemen, couples who stand a chance would listen to his message and want to improve - the kind of person you describe probably wouldn't.
I actually looked up his stance on "when should people leave", and he's mentioned that when people speak more negatively about their "story of us" than positively, then the relationship is probably gone, and if one partner is just out, then it's over. But if the "habitual infidel...." partner expressed a desire to truly do the work to change, then a therapist LIKE Gottman might be able to help them make those changes if their partner DOES still want to try to make it work.
My apologies if I'm not understanding your point, but as a layperson listening to this for my own relationship, I didn't take it as "pushing commitment" - they say in some of their materials elsewhere that sometimes creating a world of love means supporting people in leaving a bad relationship, and they're not in the business of making marriages stick together come hell or high water. They talk about people fighting tooth and nail through marriages and that longevity alone is not a sign of success, so I guess I see this just as a way to encourage individuals to do what they can. One reason I feel strongly is b/c following their advice requires a level of vulnerability with which I am admittedly uncomfortable, but I am willing to jump in with the thought that if my partner turns my vulnerability against me, that I will leave. Now granted, it's always good to ask the questions you did about the sample size, limitations, etc. (as a researcher myself, I definitely get that), but for me, the emphasis was on the takeaways for individuals looking to create their best relationships.

[@aquastone5870]

What if the relationship was great until the man lost his work income for 4 months with no prospects and the woman has to use all her retirement funds and income because the man who is younger and not retired has no income for long periods as a general contractor and handyman???
She contributed $15,000 in this last year, $5,000.00 was a loan to him to prevent his bad credit. He started off inviting her to an $85.00 sushi lunch and paid for everything on dates and luxury week ends away for concerts. Now it's totally reversed and she pays gas, food, outings. He is chauffeur

[@aquastone5870]

He has become a glutton, and gaibed huge amounts of weight, he drinks beer and visits bars with bands and dancing regularly sometimes without inviting me or my knowledge until after the fact.

[@patriciamelton6930]

Kkko

[@10Tommydybro]

There’s some “reality aspects” missing within an ivory tower and podcasted-plasticized truisms envelope. Yuck! I like the research-based, raw authentic comments more. Let’s lift reality and real solutions over simplicity and boosterism.

[@Ed-vi8lj]

Boosterism is quite the stretch here.