Say This To Stop Them Disrespecting You | Jocko Willink | Leif Babin | Extreme Ownership
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- Опубликовано: 7 фев 2025
- In this video, Jocko Willink and Leif Babin, the authors of the NY Times #1 Bestseller, "Extreme Ownership: How U.S. Navy SEALs Lead and Win", talk about the strategy to win respect and also how you can lose respect.
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I like how Jocko always starts with introspection first. Define issue. Check self first. Collaborates. Ask questions to find root cause. Get buy-in. This is real leadership that earns respect.
Anytime there is an issue, you have to look at yourself first.
@leifbabin1512 yeah, but that's hard for peopleto do, me included. The older I get, the more rare it is to find someone who always checks themselves first.
I need to self check myself prior to dealing with my son. I have definitely learned that you cannot demand respect. Truly thankful for your advice. I humbly need to do some serious introspection, build a better relationship, actually listen to his complaints, and get his buy-in in order to right our disagreements. You guys are stellar. Thank you!
Really valuable! Thanks Sir’s!
In addition to the advice given in this video, don't ever forget, some people are just assholes. And, usually, there is nothing you can do to change that.
Any chance you think that comes from someone hating themself internally?
I’ve worked under leadership that treated people like shit and I’ve worked under people that wanted to be friends with everyone. The best leaders are the ones that no how to master both of these. You gotta know how to talk to people and treat them well. But you also need to know when to be hard without being the asshole that everyone is miserable working for.
All about balance (in my opinion)
This goes against his closing statement here.
You're right, some people are narcissistic and there's nothing you can do to please them. They will keep moving the goalpost to keep you in control.
Some people will not like you for reasons and there is not much you can do to fix that.
My mentor:
"Never bring me a problem without a possible solution. It may be unworkable, it still shows you are trying to solve the problem"
That’s what an old boss of mine said too. It was a game changer and it’s part of my leadership approach.
Man code to the responsible people
Some people are doing there best which I understand is still a problem but could be coached, some are lying about doing their best because they have no intentions of it. I try to stay respectful even when dishing out orders and ask for other perspectives. If time permits I can usually build trust getting things done most efficiently and easiest, even though nothing is easy in my world. Problem is never that kind of time. Always under fire. That’s why training time is important as in the fire. Many individuals have multiple ways of operating and can’t get them to understand all communication being the same between us is where unity and resolve begin. Nobody believes in team and common code which is mandatory when we all have strengths and weaknesses to figure out how to compliment the team instead of running down or competing. Ego is a funny thing to balance. Not to much not to little. Getting rid of them is what doesn’t happen and a team is only as strong as weakest link. Keep preaching we have a bunch of weak leaders and nobody is helping build up in large part cause we’re fighting a loosing war, even though we win many battles. Much love brother let’s keep trying, all we got.
B💥 💥 m
the number one tool for fixing any situation and improving my life has been self reflecting on what role did I play. The reason its not everyones go to is because it requires a lot of gut level honesty and ego check.
Recovery 101, I can’t agree more
it hurts to set aside your fantasy of yourself an view the reality of your person. It's deeply unpleasant and unfortunately most people would rather live in their fantasy than in the reality that they could actually improve, and they will fight to the absolute death to do so.
Same ! and we are rare jewels
best saying in here "when you demand respect you lose respect"
My Mom was a 5ft 1 inch immigrant from Ireland. When i was younger she saw me and my brothers climbing a tree in the backyard. She yelled out the kitchen window" if Ye fall from that tree and hurt yourselves, I will break your necks". We were all afraid of here. Years latter now i"am 6ft 3inch 220 lbs, and my brothers and i are still afraid of Her-----, and we LOVE Her very much..
❤ I love the if "ye".. I've Indian analogies for my mom... so sweet.
Much respect for your mom
@@leifbabin1512 Thanks for your kind words
Amen irishseven😂😂
Being afraid of your mom isn’t respect.
Jocko: This guy can't be beat.
agreed
Spartan spirit in my rational thinking.
When I made E5 in the Navy, I was sent to LMET school. They taught us, praise in public, reprimand in private. I had some issues with various individuals during my Navy time. Always handled it the same, staying consistent, firm, but allowing feedback. Always worked except with those individuals who couldn't admit their wrongs.
“Do it in a way that helps them become the type of person they’d like to be” ✊🏻
(Not verbatim, but I think it’s close)
Yes. Except don’t expect respect in return. You will often not receive it.
From my experience in and out of the military now for almost 15 years. Leadership has to be able to switch on and off the bad guy and nice guy mentality to gain respect. Some of the best leaders I’ve worked under have been masters of this. If you are too soft and want everyone to like you, you will be taken advantage of. If you are hard and over the top at all times with no let up, people will resent you for it. All of this boils down to RESPECT or DISRESPECT.
You could also throw your EGO in there as well. Some leadership just can’t get out of the power tripping mindset of whatever I say goes no matter what. Some folks out there will never get out of the way of their own EGO to let themselves be a good leader
@Bekz00 I hear you. How distressing and lonely it must have been for you.
I was desperately keen for a mentor but now have stopped looking except through reading biographies and from history. And this is enough. You have qualities and have gained recognition, I suggest she fears she will never achieve this.
Be vigilant, as jealous scorned females will certainly be determined to pull you down to their level, and they will sabotage you, as you have experienced. She is to be pitied as you are the better person. Try and leave people like her behind you, as they are unable to evolve. They are not self aware, and cannot change, and so they don’t learn. But you can. One day she will meet a bigger bully than herself.
Call the police have them arrested and lock up these coward lazy bullies who are so miserable and super jealous of top workers, jealous that i own a condo, got money. Bums will always be bums friends with losers. 40 years top worker. Never let these fools ever win. 56 here trying to destroy my reputation with defamation of character. Saying i go harassing's women stalking them, i drink, I'm crazy, insecure, unstable. All 100% pure bs. My managers all know who i am. Never been suspend. Gaslight me, using flying monkeys, gang stalking me. Been doing this to me or the last 16 years. This is criminal?
I helped open a new company I have experience well one of the bosses decided to hire an outside younger friend of hers . I’ve been with the company day one this guy comes in literally snaps his fingers at people when doing there job I went and complained told him that we are not animals to be snapping fingers at. Long story short he’s in a better position than I am gets paid more all because I was standing up for what is right that’s just one of many things the company I work for doesn’t suck it’s the people. 😢
6:55 “ When you demand respect, you lose respect” 🤯
I’ve gotta listen to Jocko more regularly. All problems can and should first be run through the filter of “What can I be doing better?”
Leif, too. Both badass dudes!
The resolution of resistance is the litmus of a good leader...
This is why it’s super important to develop demonstrate-able skills, so the doubter can be faced with the fact they don’t know what they don’t know. In art anyone can say that doesn’t look right but only certain people can show how to fix it.
"Resistance" is just a healthy process to improve things (with the right mindset). It's people practicing their creative & curious minds. But people now-a-days make themselves to be a victim.
When people disagree, listen
personal accountability is contagious. People see someone who's willing to admit they might not have all the answers or has made a mistake and owned it genuinely and made changes and it's inspiring to the kinds of people you want around. If you're dealing with people who see leadership taking accountability even to their own detriment and that doesn't raise all the positive flags for them, you probably don['t want that person as part of your team because they don't value honesty or integrity, and without those two things, nothing of meaningful value can follow.
INSUBORDINATION is duty when being led by incompetence. Earn my respect, and I will respect you. Period.
No. People need to do what they're supposed to do. Period.
@@VintageCardinal Riiiiiiiiight.
How do you know you’re not the incompetent one?
@@scottohara9001 when the total environment has become toxic it’s pretty safe to assume that one individual alone isn’t the incompetent one but rather the toxicity is the direct result of the leader who fails to lead by example.
A lot of wisdom being put out in the vid.
Semper Fi!
Extreme ownership is a great book by these two men. Great stories too. Thanks Leif and Jacko.
joko is a man who saves lives while kickin butt on the field... much
Cartman had it right, "You will respect my authority"
😂
You are solid bro. 🙏🏼
Stay blessed please
You gotta give respect to get respect
I hold it in until I explode. I have an issue with impulsivity regarding others disrespecting me. I will bite holes in my cheeks to keep from flying off the handle verbally.
That's why I have to get out of the situation immediately. I have left work pissed off to the point that I wasn't being mindful and wound up breaking my leg in multiple spots. It could've been avoided had I been paying attention. My anger is problematic on occasion.
But I recently decided to square off with it. I'm tired of being so reactive with other's nonsense. It's their baggage to carry, and I don't want to help them carry it. It's not mine to manage. I learned that I need to trust myself. I learned that crap people do are red flags of their own insecurities. I need to empower myself. I need to lift myself up and not depend on others to do that.
I'm taking responsibility for my reactive nature. I'm getting my ego in check. Nobody can hurt me unless I let them. I'm no longer in the business of letting anybody own my emotions. THEY'RE MINE!
Work is work. The nice thing is I only see my coworkers for a few minutes and I can leave as soon as I am finished. I don't have to be on site for a set time. I do my work, help as needed, and go home.
I'm no longer trying to be friends with coworkers. I'm there to master my craft and earn a paycheck. Nothing more.
A-holes won't change, but I can.
I tend to be someone who just goes in adn gets things done.
When someone says "do you know what i think?" when they aren't working?
i say "no, i don't care. Keep practicing thinking, you'll get it right some day. Either GET IT DONE or GET OUT...I have something to do"
and i walk away an get back to task.
After work, i'm OFF WORK...and i have MY personal tasks to do.
THEM?
NOT MY ISSUE OFF THE CLOCK.
I used to work salary, nights, weekends, overtime with no pay.
now it is "i work, you pay me. You don't pay me, i don't work. I cannot be committed to your ish unless i have
AUTHORITY
and
RESPONSIBILITY.
Otherwise, i punch out and it's a situation for you to manage.
The absolute GORGEOUS BEAUTY of GOING GALT!
jocko spittin fire as usual
My husband served, in the navy, 2002-2006, and he said alcohol and hazing each other, especially as a new guy, is a right of passage to joining the navy. He was a naval aircrewman on a c-130 load master. He was medically discharged because of a tbi. He told me that had the honor to fly a few teams around the world. He misses the navy. Thank you for y'all's service.
I notice most people in leadership positions these days are doing a lot of listening and asking people of a lower competency level, “what can I do better?” In my opinion, something’s off about that, because most people that attain certain levels in an organization earned it with merit. In all honesty, I agree with Jocko’s point but it seems like unnecessary extra work. It might be the best advice in this modern culture of ours. Did General Schwarzkopf have to ask his subordinates questions like “what can I do better?” in 1990-91?
You can ascertain if they're of a lower competency level by the way they answer. A leader has to lead EVERYONE on the team, regardless of competency level. All That being said, there's something to learn from everyone.....
There may be something to be learned, but you stop and listen every single time someone has input, you will fail.
I agree. I think it’s pretty intense humility and self-deference. Which isn’t necessarily efficient and sometimes self deprecating and harmful. I totally agree. But I think that’s morenat the beginning of a position too typically because it’s also the beginning of the leader’s timeframe as leader as well. Once they get more comfortable/ once they realize that they indeed are the leader for a reason and it’s because they are the ones who have the most competency to lead - they will fill the shoes. But yes it does take some time for sure. L
@joevaccaro6655 General Schwarzkopf was inside the military structure. General Schwarzkopf was a part of an elaborate, defined and specific system. A military is a hierarchy like Confucianism, and not a democracy. Good point that you make about how if the chain of command is broken then the ability to produce favored outcomes is lost.
appreciation it sir,thank you so much for this lesson on deescalation and team management
I've never known anyone to think this far into anything? Interesting thanks
To me, resistance means you're probably doing something right. If there isn't any, you might not be effective or stagnant. It's a good idea to "subordinate your ego" as you process through these events.
Hi Guys at EF, Jocko, Leif, many thanks for the video. Would you guys do us a favor and always mention of your videos which podcast / debrief episode is the video related to? It would be very helpful if someone wants to go to the full episode to deepen the topic. Sometimes i watch a video and then takes ages to find the whole episode. Thanks in advance, Adam. PS. The EO academy is great, thanks for offering it!
Great insight gentlemen, thanks
I need to pick your brain Jocko. I am training for a leadership role at my job and would love to have your input on leadership✌❤🇺🇸
Accepting blame for a problem is empowering - only you need to change to fix it.
There’s rules in the workplace for a reason - when tested it’s up to the boss to uphold them. Don’t allow exceptions
Most of the corporate world does not have a faintest idea about what Jacko is talking about. Plenty of managers and only a few leaders.
Leadership requires taking responsibility
Mostly short sighted ego maniacs. Part of the reason there are so many flawed systems that aren’t getting fixed. Dogs with bones.
Much appreciated. Will be using this info with my 15 year old and 13 year old.
I wish I would have had leaders like Jacko in the navy. I was kicked out for riding my motorcycle before completing the basic riding course and disrespecting a petty officer… minor things in hindsight. I was not perfect but I worked to consistently make improvements to myself. I did have some of the worst leaders I have ever encountered in my life. I did my best but it wasn’t enough and now I’m banned for life from the military while I watch them have a recruiting crisis. God knows how badly I wish I could serve again.
GOOD. Now take full responsibility for it and get after it
Put on high heels and lipstick
Love and respect your leadership and everything you have to share with the world Jocko ...
Thank you for your services , they are priceless , and so deeply respected sir 🙏💓🌍😇.
To all of our military service men and women. 💓💓💓
🙏🌍😇's
Much L&R Jocko 💓🙏
God Bless! 🙏 xoxoxo
I can honestly say that I have never been insubordinate with any of my past supervisors, I seldom let them know my position on things. There were many times that I felt they were absurd and even petulant in the way they conducted themselves but I never let them know. Instead I simply walked away when I didn't approve of their chosen direction to lead. Most times I left ample notice however in some cases they were so disrespectful that I left quicker than I planned. I have no regrets about my time working for others!
Im not in the military, but I had a subordinate on my team once who was borderline insubordinate telling me to back off and leave him alone (premadonna) - I opted to sit down with him and let him vent - when he was done I explained everyone has a supervisor and it could be a helluva lot worse, in actually a pretty easy goithands off boss. Never had another problem.
One wonders...is he for real? Kudos!
7:00 title of video
I really really enjoyed this. Thank you for this video. On a side note, why is it so dark in there. Did they not know they were doing a podcast/interview that day? smh lol
Asking questions is to gain knowledge. That is not insubordination.
Truth.
But arguing and flat out refusing to do your job is
I'd add the importance of requesting to not be disrespectful in front of the team while we sort this out. "Hey man, It's obvious I'M not doing something right. I respect you as a person and your experience, but I'm not feeling mutual respect back in my direction. So what do I need to do differently? I'm afraid that if this continues it could hurt the team because we look like we aren't collaborating and moving forward together
Resistance is why you get buy in from the most influential individuals in your organization before throwing it in front of everyone.
these help me so much at work. thanks
Great to hear it
As a young man I dated, and later married, a single mother. I was totally unprepared to be a father of a 5 year old girl, and the first years showed that.
She is now 21 and considers me as her dad. A lot of this makes sense to be looking back.
I was not ready to be a leader. If you demand respect, you lose respect. Being placed in a role, maybe with a title, it might get your foot in the door, but respect is earned through a LOT of hard work. Oh, and it’s totally worth it.
Fatherhood is an earned leadership title.
@Jocko could you put out material in the opposite direction? For example your leader is the problem and you’re the subordinate? A lot of people including myself have terrible bosses and we are stuck with them until they move on or a better opportunity presents itself.
He’s doing exactly what you are asking…
He covers it in one of the books. He talks about his first platoon leader...heck of a story.
Awesome advice!
The type of leaders that are Schooled trained ..reminds me of Fresh out of West-point A hole officers that showed up Fresh as Officers in Vietnam ....and said ...We're Marching up HWY 13 .......and they came back with a bullet in the back .
What type of leaders?
There may also be something as a leader that you don't understand. There may be a flaw in the plan that you as the leader are not fully aware of, but that your subordinates are aware of. That may be the reason for their resistance. Because the people at the coalface often know stuff that managers who are remote from the coalface don't even realise. Tha'ts why a good leader will respect their frontline staff and seek their input prior to implementing plans that make significant changes to how things are done. Lead in this way and you'll find yourself encountering far fewer instances of "insubordination."
Why wasn't this done by Military Sealift Command when I was trying to report an ADA violation years ago?
I would love to know how he gets on with his teenagers!
This seems like good parenting advice as well.
Hoorah! 🎉🤝🫡💜
That won’t work with a workplace bully or narcissist.
Love the notes 😂
Thank you for your commentary. I shall consider the commentary and advice.
Is an apology considered basic levels of respect or upheld discipline of decency?
How do you approach this without lowering yourself?
I do agree with taking responsibility for how did this dynamic get to this point and trying to self reflect on your role.
Why do you think collaboration to resolve conflicts and deflecting your ego's impulsiveness would lower you?
Why do you think self reflection, collaboration to resolve conflicts, and deflecting your ego's impulsiveness would lower you?
Just saved an escalation. Thanks
Ok so going the hospitality way. Chefs . . . . First time I meet many Chefs, one of the FIRST things they say is that " You have to call me Chef, I will not answer to any other name. I feel physical pain if you do not call me Chef. You can only call me Chef. It's the same as calling a doctor, doctor. You have to show me respect by calling me Chef . . . Ok . . . I have tried to point out the stupidity in this to Chefs in the past and the ones I have delt with just don't understand the damage they are doing. They yell at people for not calling them Chef and then cry when nobody wants to be their friend. It's as if they just don't see that respect can not be demanded. There is a difference between being respectful and being courteous. If respect is not given freely then it is not given at all.
I see Jocko, I click. It’s that simple.
Right on. Follow us for more content from Jocko
@leifbabin1512 Leif Babin - the Texas Batman in the house! Hope things are good. Great video.
This is fantastic advice. But Jocko and Leif, I'm only 31 years old w/ 5 years of experience in my industry, 2 of which are the director position I'm in now. It feels a lot harder to earn respect than it should. How did you deal with these people in your earlier years, before you had 20 years of experience, and before you became the most badass guys on the planet?
He said it at about 7 minutes in, ask for feedback, listen and adjust. You get respect by giving respect
6:45 how he says 8:00 take things on boarding 8:30
IE VR
What if you ask them what can you do better and they respond that you are doing nothing wrong??
Most problems I see with supervisors is that they don’t explain the mission, or the my withhold information unnecessarily. I’ve followed sergeants/Lieutenants that said yes the mission is dumb, yes it’s a bad strategy, but we have to get it done. It’s hard to respect someone who “try’s to sell a shit-sandwich”. Demanding respect is a great way to get sub-par performance. I may have to respect the position, I don’t have to respect the man.
~11:30 yeah and even if they’re just whining complaining awfully….can still temporarily honor their bad vibes, as they genuinely are, which in turn leads to moving forward constructively, vs expending energy to squash down their shitty energy and escalating things. Good stuff🤔
Michael Focaults power dynamic theory.
Interesting how each one of the host impersonates their virtual counterparts 😀
Earn respect. Do not demand it.
How do you overcome resistance? Jiu Jitsu....
70% rule... 70% persona's manageable
, 30% push back...15% of 30% then find middle ground. So task complete, last 15% just %% A- holes, grin & bear...but, move forward. Reduce drama..
My company recently published that insubordination is a fireable offense. It’s a software company, lol. 😂
How from a employee do you handle a toxic manager who falsely tells you they will fire you for insubordination, and you know you were not, maybe if anything asked defining questions?
Start recording how they abuse you. But anyways you will have to change work.
I love Jocko's content and advice - but I'm also cognizant that he was a Navy SEAL. Perhaps a rowdy bunch, but also very selective and disciplined. When dealing with regular humans, you'll need escalated disciplinary action more often than 0 times in 20 years.
I've issued 2 formal disciplinary actions in 10 years. One guy was kicked out, and the other got a sheet of paper that doesn't stay on his record to change course or else.
Yep, I was going to say the same thing. Insubordination and disrespect levels in the SEALs have about zero correlation to their levels in the real world. The advice is solid, but do not expect that same level of success in a normal workplace setting. There is significantly more Dunning-Krueger effect going on in the real world. That, along with exponentially higher levels of laziness, are major factors that drive disrespect and resistance in real world settings. Either people who know next to nothing believe that they know better, but aren't even intelligent enough to realize that, or they are just lazy and don't like it when a leader challenges them to work or think harder. The other big issue he wouldn't have likely dealt with is other leaders subverting and undermining you for various reasons like what happens often in a workplace where people do downright nasty and vile things to try to move up the ladder ahead of other peer level leaders. SEALs are selected with an extremely high bias towards teamwork at all costs. Almost nothing will relate to normal world situations.
Would a similar approach be recommended up the chain of command? Follower askes for the feedback from leader when the leader is being disrespectful?
If it doesn't, obtain a new chain of command?
Jocko, If the individual is being insubordinate in a company and you have to get rid of them....what do you do if it is not in a work place. What if it is your sibling that is totally dependent on you?
Same idea, actually. Correct course, or you gotta go. It'll be harder, obviously, with family. But, like anyone who never has to face the consequences of their decisions, they get entitled. If you continue to bail them out, they will continue to require it of you. Stand up for yourself, so that they might stand up for themselves.
And it doesn't mean you're turning your back. It doesn't mean there's no longer love. It just means, I'm not responsible for you, you are. Then they'll figure it out or not. But it's not your business.
I hear what Jocko and Leif are saying, but at the end there, Jocko not being able to remember anyone he had to get rid of - he’s dealing with the elite of the elite, and sure, even that level will have some “disrespectful” operators. However, when you’re dealing with civilians, let’s say whom are in a union, and the union helps to protect shitbirds, sometimes those shitbirds just complain to complain, to make people lives harder. And because of the union, they can’t just be fired or let go, and they don’t want to be part of the team, they just want to complain and play the victim mentality… that’s what I deal with, and I don’t claim to be the best leader ever, but I’ve moved up pretty fast, and the people I’ve moved up over are just plain difficult. Not all of them, actually only a few, but those few can make life at work hell. In my instance, I don’t see how it always has to be the leaders fault. I get what they’re saying, and it is a noble way of leading, but some of these nasty civilians wouldn’t piss on their co-workers back if they were on fire. It’s exhausting.
I think you also have to give a sgit about getting the other persons respect for this tactic to work.
How do u get rid of them
You are speaking about problems in the hierarchy, what about people on the same level? I have a new colleague, who is just humiliating me and other people with no obvious reasons, and I am not sure if I should just report it to HR
I am having this problem right not with an insubordinate older man at work (I'm an assistant manager). He argues about everything he's asked to do and makes disrespectful and harassing comments. I've complained multiple times and even reported him to our hotline, but nothing is being done. I'm pretty sure it's b/c I'm a woman and 30 years younger (I'm also White and he's a horrible racist).
I've been looking for another job, but so far nothing has come through. I can't afford to quit b/c my husband and I really need the money.
Hang in there.
I work for the department of Veteran Affairs and it’s easily the worst job.
There’s so much corruption here and burnout. I’ve been looking for a new job.
Anyways, there are those who act like the one you described at my job.
Oi Thee USS Aircon, Aka Dave Burke? One of my opinions on thee 2nd TopGun Movie, Is that on what's Tue point of Pushing Mc9? If ya can't Remover it like thee Sparrow, from Hell.. at 7?
Small things, insubordination. Big things, NJPable offense. 🤣
7:44 Nothing yet
i thought u had straws taped together for you drink, lol
No straws
@@leifbabin1512 Jocko with silly straws would be funny
You got two options: You either put fear into them or you just walk away.
What if the feedback is unreasonable? What if they disrespect you because you can't give them something that they want?
Wonder if the Ted Lasso writers were JW fans? Hearing some similar things.
God forbid sometimes the leader's plan is simply not good.
The more I listen to him the more I know I had horrible leadership in the Army
How do you deal with that disrespect when it's coming from one of your leaders?
The exact same way as anyone else. You pull them aside and talk to them. And when that doesn’t work you talk to their leader.
my thing is im being gaslit by my manager in one section of my role.
everyone else i work with respects my work.
the only feed back i get from this person is negative, ever.
a lot of what jocko talks about is your team under your leadership, but never what to do as a team member to deal with a bad leader.
Further ego busters: Admit when you don’t know something and the hardest one of all for many people, admit your mistakes.
If someone isn’t willing to take no for an answer then they weren’t really asking a question.