Well said. They just need what you have. In my case it was a roof over his head and food in the fridge. It was painful to watch him struggle to be responsible for anything for very long. To this day I don't fully understand it. He would squander anything he got (and yours too!) once the "new" wore off. Is it just me or do a lot of narcissists have substance abuse issues also?
Unfortunately, a narcissist, covert narcissist or a covert religious narcissist don’t have the capacity to love you. What I found out is to don’t never lose yourself trying to find someone who can’t be found.
My Covert Narcissist mom never said,"I love you" but she say,"Do you know HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU? You wouldn't be alive if I didn't love you!" or whatever BS on some occasions when we argue. Of course when we argue she play victim, do all the things that a narcissist would do, whataboutsim, red herring and strawman logic. You see she's the I KNOW EVERYTHING MORE THAN YOU. I'M YOUR MOTHER! However when it's time to prove that she knows everything she straight up play victim at home OR when in public she act stupid and try to make it sound funny.
My latest narcissist was not obsessed with but it was not what I could call love either. The only thing he loved was what I provided for him: a ready-made family, assets, income and prestige.
A relationship with a narcissist can be compared to a parasite relative to a host. The parasite is chronically dependent on a host but shouldn’t be mistaken as love.
Wow never thought about it like that. But I do remember when I left the narc I would say to myself, "I have to get him off of me" and made the physical gesture of wiping something off of me. 😫 Yup...I know now, he was a parasite sucking the life out of me.
Omg i felt the same way he texted good morning beautiful i love u ❤ every morning almost the same text. It doesn’t feel sincere especially when he gaslighted me the night before, conflicts were not resolved, thought I was overreacting, my feelings didn’t matter. I really thought maybe I wasn’t grateful at least he text every morning. I really thought maybe i was wrong, at least I should move on and flirt again through texts which he loves. But then again it just throw our problems under the rug. The almost non existent affection while he was in person with me confused me so much. He always got up first after we finished eating at the restaurant and walk so fast that he was already in the car. Same thing walking everywhere I had to request him to keep his pace with me but he told me i was too slow. But he was very consistent on good morning text and good night phone call just to tell me he was going to bed.
Once you know the narcissist’s tricks, it’s painfully clear on how to spot them. The problem is that 99.9% who were abused narcissists only learn that after the abuse.
@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807 unfortunately I guess that's likely. Even if you aren't a narcissist, or maybe especially if you aren't a narcissist your prediction of how others will treat you is based on how you would act, which seems reasonable, but surrounded by the wrong people and you could be in real trouble.
Mine didn't love me. They just wanted to "own" me, subject me to their personal judgments, brag and garner my attention and adoration, and OWN my TIME! Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
I don’t believe that narcissists can love anything. Because they don’t love themselves, so they have no love to give. Which is why they’re so negative and pessimistic. In any interaction with them you will feel drained. Because all they can do is take from you.
When a grown ass man acts like a child and wants to see me every minute of every day, wants to drive by just to give me a kiss, wants to text and talk day and night, and literally says he's getting addicted to me, well, there's only one explanation: Obsession. You are right, Dr. Ramani, it felt so good as it was happening, but made me uncomfortable too. "Love is quiet". ❤
Interesting to understand how this "being seen and heard" as an adult, while being the focus of obsession by a narcissist, actually reawakens the core wound implanted by your narcissistic caregivers, who then, in a way, keep the "legacy" going, since you never felt what it was like to be loved. That's why it's so hard to break the trauma bonding, to reprogram yourself, to leave.
It's taken me a minute since I watched this to find this quote. A Dr. a long time ago, she told me, " All the love goes to them, they use you to regulate themselves. They only love you for what you give them, what you represent."
I think they obsess only as a part of their agenda/ life. Its never about 'you' They will use you as a board for them to launch themselves. They will use you period . And loyalty ? Forget it. It took me best part of 12 yrs to find out. I don't watch you alot now as I'm out of the trauma of the Narc. But I must say I find that your information and your delivery is the BEST on this subject on here. Best wishes to you thank you for being there for us.
I did and I left the relationship because it was stagnant and felt not genuine. I didn’t feel safe or heard. Every conversation that are deep would go into disrespectful arguments. He manipulated me to be a silent woman. Nothing I say have any value
At 6:00 “love does not require endless gratitude, validation, and appreciation” really struck home. My therapist has helped me realize that my husband’s behavior at home and his multiple affairs are all indicative of his ‘validation addiction’. Understanding that wasn’t love for me has been difficult, especially at a heart level.
I see now that narcissists needs validation, he would complain if I didn’t reply his texts on time or as soon as I got up. Or if I didn’t call him back fast enough. I felt so guilty when he said all that, I felt i was a bad person for not able to reply quickly or call back quickly.
I'm currently in a narcissistic relationship and working on an exit plan. He has told me on multiple occasions that all he thinks about is me. The overuse of compliments and flattering, the gifts, the texts. It's exhausting. It seems so obvious now.
I was raised by a Narc Mom - so her definition of love became my definition of love. As an adult, I endured years and years of abuse in my relationships, because I was raised to believe love was an erratic cycle of grand gestures - followed by insults, isolation, punishing silence, and conditional love. I thank God for saving me from that horrible life.
Same here and i told my ex first dat.. are you obsessive? Didn't see how cleaŕ i saw the signs and asked the questions. Still went on. Because i felt safe, because my mother was same
No, I don’t think he loved me. I think he thought I was an obsession. I think I was an object to conquer kind of like a puppet you put up on the shelf and when he is finished with you, he’d put me back but when I need you the expectation is that I can come and get you when I want you.
OMG....this really hit home.....I asked myself this so many times....does be really love me? Then I d leave, come back, he d be so great until the devaluation kicked in again...a vicious circle...I think he realised the last time I left when I told him, " You don't love me or anyone, you have no empathy" the look on his face was like a realisation that, the game is over. Even then, as I was packing, his comments were, Go, I don t need you....don't go, calm down, its late, you can leave tomorrow...ny car was top heavy and he saidcome back for the rest tomorrow....I told him, I ll never come back. Its 2 years in November....I m slowly becoming me again...
This really explains a lot with my ex. I'm a "love is the little things" person like you described; taking care of the things your SO hates to do or watching a TV show or movie they like but you don't care for, being there for them and listening, doing things like changing the oil in their car or making sure it is clean and gassed up. And my ex just wanted these grand gestures like flowers and non-stop attention to show love but was never appreciative of the little things I did. It was like those little things never happened or didn't even matter to her.
was she incapable of maintainng her own car or buying gas? that sounds like control. you were her man, and as i see it, helping with the car is a given not an act of love. putting gas in it and cleaning it sounds controlling though.....don't do for someone what they can do for themselves and then act slighted when you're not praised for it. she didn't ask you to do it....hope you can learn to see how you were at fault in your own relationship as well!
That’s exactly how abusers see their victim-to-be: a wonderful and perfect woman (or man, as it may be) who will fulfil all their secret dreams and desires unlike all those previous [deleted expletives]. Yes, abusers future-fake themselves. The point where their idol doesn’t meet their expectations is where the problems start.
I used to be in a relationship with a narc. He revenged people that did harm to me. I thought he was my hero until i also got hurt by him in a cruel way like he treated others.
I believe that love is following through on promises. Narcissists are only loyal as long as you admire them and put them on a pedestal. Once you show any sort of real emotions or vulnerability, narcissists can't handle that and will quickly walk away.
This is very interesting. I've noticed that narcissists often use "love"/ obsession to prove their worth - like comparing how expensive their engagement ring is to yours, with the implication that if yours is less expensive (and it is or they wouldn't make the comparison), you are less loved and less valuable. Same thing for gifts, vacations, restaurants - anything with a price tag. It is weird, because those can not even be your values (like maybe the cost of your ring never entered your mind before they brought it up), but you can temporarily get sucked in and feel less than. When you finally understand, you look back and it is distressing how the interaction made you feel inadequate by someone else's standards.
Yep he would tell me I love you by taking me out to eat and paid for it and would mentioned it when we had rocky conversations that he did that because he loved me
When you really love somebody you don't care how much the engagement ring costs...you are just happy to be marrying the person you love. I knew a nice young Christian guy and he was not rich...he worked and saved up to propose to his girlfriend with a little $500 ring...she was very happy and they are now happily married. You don't have to have the most expensive things to be happy. Narcissists only want the most expensive stuff to show off they are better then other people...they might get the most expensive stuff but in a loveless marriage of lies and cheating.
I have had one narcissistic relationship where he was obsessed with me. It was unhealthy. Things started downhill when I did not live up to his expectations.
This isn't just in romantic relationships, family can be possessive, time consuming & jealous too, and completely believe that it's all in the name of love.
My narc ex beat me, got me kicked out of 3 apartments in 3 months , fired from my second job and stalked and harassed workers at my first job and then would send me all sorts of messages about how they were in love with me and I should come to their hotel. That was the first time I understood obssession vs love. Scary.
@@karlabritfeld7104"They" is the OP's ex. It's a trick to conceal the gender of the person being discussed. IME, in the past, people only used gender-neutral "they" to refer to a hypothetical or unknown person of unknown sex. Nowadays however, it's being used for specific people, as well. Personally, I think it's confusing, as it not only conceals the gender of the person being discussed, but can also obfuscate the number of persons in question. It's jarring to switch from discussing one specific person to hearing "they" and wondering "how many people are actually talking about?" Sorry, rant over 😂
@@deadparrot5953 The world is a homophobic place, and increasingly so. Instead of going to AN ABUSE SURVIVOR group and bringing your political BS in here. "They" is used by EVERYONE in their common language and people understand it completely. Don't come in here and gaslight us and pretend you don't know. It's, frankly, disgusting that you come here and make this political. Disgusting;
@@deadparrot5953It has become a normal way of talking for many people as well due to copying without thinking, such as saying could care less, instead of couldn't care less! I've always said he or she though because they is plural and know someone who says we rather than I or me. I was never sure if she meant her daughter and our brother and late mother in regard to opinions etc. 🤔
Using “they” as a pronoun is blatant insanity. I’ve seen lunatics try to explain it away using old Poetry and informal language, but for me “THEY” will always mean plural (more than one person) And I think some of these people with mental illness have demonic spirits in them that cause them to believe they are more than one person and “THEY” are any gender they feel like being that day. Next they will be trying to convince us “THEY” identify as their favorite animal and their identification preference should be respected
Hello! Narcissism is largely the person being obsessed with themselves. For example every day i can't help but pat my self on the back for how smart i am
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
Experts like Dr. Ramani that take the time to create this videos are saving my life. I wish I listened 4 years ago when I begin to have doubts. I had my nose broken by my narcissist and expensive gifts followed. He slapped me, chocked me, kicked me, spitted on me. But he got me a house, cuddled me and provided all my meals. Told me the abuse was my fault because my jealousy and that I was his world..He started therapy, stopped some of the physical abuse, but switched to playing victim to my.extreme reactivity at the end. He told me that if I leave he was going to be single for a year to.grieve... because he needs to smile, cannot be alone. I left... Dr. Ramani and other experts are my life line to deal with my trauma bond, help me bite my pillow and don't go back. Thank you. God bless you! ❤
After to listening to videos made by men diagnosed with NPD, I doubt my ex was capable of what I call love. He was not obsessed with me but rather building and maintaining an amazing image for himself. He loved what I could provide him with but not me as a person.
Been here before. People just put you on a pedestal & don’t see you who for you really are. I think relentlessly telling the truth is the only way to weed people out. Until eventually you find someone that matches your energy & consciousness
I have had some of my adult children insist that their father loved me. My answer is that his definition of love was not the same as most people. Love doesn't behave that way.
Definitely obsession in my experience. Their version of ‘love’ is abuse, period! Thank God I found the strength to pull myself out of that mess. No Contact for 6 months. Feeling so much better and more like myself! Thank you Dr. Ramani, I appreciate you 🙏🏼
I agree with you 💯❤ Dr. Ramani. It is not love, it's obsession. So, if it feels excessive, it must be obsession, not love. In the end, that is not what truly matters in a relationship. Thank you for this❤❤❤
I'm laughing because if anyone had done any of those obsessive things with me I would have run screaming. Nothing impresses me less than someone trying to impress me. My husband would just tell me what I wanted to hear and then "change his mind". He was the poster boy for love bombing but in a covert way. I got sucked right in. For a while.....
This video really helped me. I'm struggling with rumination because I keep thinking "well this person cared" but looking back it mostly felt obsessive and that bw what does love look like was really tripping me up as my parents were very toxic as well so I'm used to love-bombing/devaulation. This really helped give me clarity that this is common in narcissistic relationships and I definitely related to mirroring that behavior as well and then feeling weird/icky/guilty because it didn't feel right/normal to me.
I think what they experience is pretty much limerence. Lots of people can experience it, at different times in their lives, for various reasons... except most people have the awareness to know they are just obsessed and the self control to not act on the fantasies without at least some discernment. They just have as little control over this ''love'' as they do over raging or malignant behaviors.
Obsession can never feel like love and your description of both of them is brilliant dr Ramani. Love is peace, security, stability, care, empathy, compassion , patience, humility and so much more. Love is life and obsession is like putting life on hold. I loved this message. Thank you. God bless you❤
This woman just made my day. And she has done so, on several occasions when i sought clarity about what kind of person I'm dealing with. Thank you very much Dr. Ramani. 🙏
This was me! The shine wore off, her real self came out, negativity everywhere when out in public, and rules and conformity or arguments about how little stupid things get done. I took the bait, she pushed my buttons, I just went gray rock and now I ignore, maybe take a week or more to respond and no face time and explained my boundaries to not come over. She sending her cousin a flying monkey to bring me a few items.
My narcissistic relationship was a friendship that happened during COVID, online and through text. Definitely my so-called friend was obsessive in exactly this way. But in the context of COVID it felt like a genuine very intense friendship was forming. Until he got bored one day and then became nasty. And it left me wondering if he ever even respected me at all and that's when it all fell apart and was so hurtful.
They love having someone who loves them. If one defines love as making the other feeling happy, free, fulfilled, the problem becomes visible immeadiately
To become resistant to love bombing, it helps to learn to see yourself and practice being heard in your daily life. Actively speak up once a day in various aspects of your life. Share yourself with a safe person once a day. Write down 3 wins from your day before bed. See yourself. Allow yourself to feel heard by other people. Once you learn to get these needs met for yourself, you won’t be as vulnerable to love bombing and manipulation. Take your power back. For anyone caught in a trauma bond, please be gentle with yourself. It’s psychologically tough.
I heard a female fellow worker expound her view on relationships saying, " People should just come together for sex, then go to their separate side of the house". What a concept !
Its always tit for tat. I gave up on my sister yrs ago....she made everything so tense and was so passive aggressive all the time. Even being in the same room as her, was just so awful....the vibes they put out are so negative and controlling. There's no love, just a business like deal....and then judgement about how much it would have cost and comparisons like this. No love, no gratitude, just a deal....and if you havent come up to their delusional expectations, then they wont visit or offer help or afternoon tea...or doing anything to help their aging parents for a few months or years.
Same here along with "one up" on me...Example: If I had a regular sedan, she would claim she had a luxury sedan $30K more expensive...She would do this all the time along with put downs mixed in with false complements
Purely transactional , my husband literally told me last night that he has neglected me and my feelings and wellbeing because I have been not able to keep up with the housework ,I just had our 4th baby 6 weeks ago- he literally like abandoned me the whole first week I was home postpartum since my mother came over to help out, he felt that meant he got to be gone for hours on end doing whatever he wanted to do and go on his friends boat all day and out drinking and smoking cigars on the deck every single day and not once check in on me or any of my needs as a partner as I recovered because I don’t really matter to him in a real loving sense… I love my babies we have had together but sadly I brought another poor child victim into this Narc mess- I was so hopeful for many years thinking he loved me- I finally got my clarity and I have actually allowed myself to fully listen to his words and actions and see the light in this darkness- the mask dropped and I lowered my rose colored glasses and now can fully see and accept he never loved me …it was all an illusion…
This is where things gets shady and confusing for many people. Respect, friendship, obsession in a positive way like creativity is the best thing in a love relationship, does not give right for rage and hate. Obsession in jealousy and control is the problem. Obsession on empathy is the most romantic and beautiful thing that happens between a man and a woman when they really care for each other. If problems shows up is not because obsessive empathy, but because other things are happening like cheating, financial problems, divorce or inmaturity.
This shines a light on how important it is to understand the difference between obsession and love. I would like more videos on this because it's tricky. I hate how these people twist kindness and generosity for their own ends. I think some people truly do show love with some grand gestures because that's how they are. Unfortunately, others warp this to get what they want. So how do we tell the difference? I've been thinking about it a little bit after watching this video, trying to find a way to differentiate the two. I think I've come to a preliminary conclusion. If someone does give you a grand gesture and you genuinely think or say "you didn't have to" because you truly feel they didn't have to, but it feels like a pleasant bonus, then it's probably genuine. When love is involved and they do all the quiet little gestures that you want and need, then a grand gesture feels like a bonus, the icing on the cake, maybe unnecessary, but sweet nevertheless (and gratefully received). When obsession is involved, this is probably the *only* time you feel appreciated, "loved" and seen, because the rest of the time you don't receive those little gestures that take care of your wants and needs. Sometimes you might even feel doubt and negativity about the relationship, possibly even thinking of leaving it, but these grand gestures pull you back in. You think "see they can be generous, maybe they aren't so bad after all. Maybe I'm being too picky" The grand gestures keep you there and are the only evidence you have of their "generosity." It's never about the little things, the little things don't exist in that relationship. To conclude, in a healthy relationship where real love is involved, a grand gesture would feel like a wonderful surprise, but even if it didn't happen, you would still be happy with the relationship because those quiet little gestures _do_ exist. In an obsessive relationship, the grand gesture is necessary to keep the relationship going, to maintain the illusion of pleasantness, because without it, it's hollow. In summary: - a grand gesture coupled with the quiet gestures = love - a grand gesture with no quiet gestures = obsession A good thought exercise could be, "if this grand gesture didn't happen, how many positives are there in the relationship? Would I still be happy in it?" I'm not sure it's the whole picture and I'm still trying to figure it out myself, but I think it's some way there. What does everyone else think?
I had someone OBSSESS with me to the point that I literally thought (and believed) *suicide* was the only way out. I was more than unhappy in the relationship -- I was _miserable_ and yet still he just WOULD NOT LET GO: even when I told him *multiple times* that it was over, he didn't get it. It was horrible, it drove me into bankruptcy, it tore my own family apart... a narcissist is a PSYCHOPATH. There's no cure, no treatment, ONLY DECONTAMINATION AND DISTANCE.
This is me right now. I keep telling my husband that even if everything improved between us, if I am no longer in it or can no longer move forward, that he has to please understand that he has to let me go. It’s been a lot of repeat cycles that I don’t trust it anymore but this time it really does feel true and I question if I am the narc person. If he’s offering everything and my kids are happy, why would I be selfish to let it go if it can finally be what I’ve been fighting for. And I’ve thought so many times that maybe no longer being here would be the better option bc idk if I can be happy anymore or I can’t trust my mind anymore on what is love. I’ve told him that I’m no longer good for him if I can’t love him the way he deserves and I don’t bring him excitement or energy but he Keeps saying he loves me and will go down swinging. Is he fighting for our marriage out of love or is he fighting for his image and what he thinks I bring him. It’s so confusing. My heart tells me I was finding peace as I was walking away but my broken mind tells me I’m being irrational and just depressed and will regret walking away.
And then they go on and tell everybody that you are obsessed with them. So, considering their projection, I believe that dr. Ramani is telling the absolute truth!
What’s scary is that he actually directly would tell me that he was obsessed with me and the first time he ever said that, I got REALLY scared and wanted to run away… So many instances I wanted to run. I’m so glad I’m safe and no contact. Stay strong and stay safe🩵
Even though I've been no contact for 14 years my narc sister is still obsessed with getting into my life. They get obsessed even when it's not a romantic relationship.
@@marciestoddard730I totally agree with you about the family system and one particular family member used to be like an obsessed ex-partner! It's still the case at times, even though she has been living in another country for many years now. 🥺
Dr. Ramani, I’ve watched many of your videos and they’ve had a major impact on my life and how I operate with narcissistic people. This particular video is so very on point! I swear this one is IT!!! I don’t even like for people to tell me they love me for this very reason. In their eyes, we’re just objects to bring temporary satisfaction and happiness. All those statements are easy for them to say because they want someone to say it to them. That’s their only motivation. There’s no real depth. Thank you for this.
Oh my god you just shined so much light on a 30 year relationship. It started when I was about 10 and he was 13. Obsession.. not love. Wow.. so incredibly eye opening. I did the same things this woman says she did. I tried to match it to keep him. But it came and went. With songs he wrote. Attention. Letters. So so much more. I have quite the story that some day, Dr. Ramani, I hope to share on your Navigating Narcissists channel. You know, if I ever have the courage to write my book. 😅
Mine was obsessed with me for 6 months, til the last day when he discarded me. He kept violating my boundaries and when I asked him not to do XYZ, he kept pushing me and pushing. He then devalued me, found a new source a supply - a woman he had a virtual connection with over the phone/internet social media for 2.5 years (they never met in person when we were together, but he met this new supply 2 days after he discarded me). OMG, I am so glad it's over and that he is now her headache, and not mine 😃 God exists...
I used to have a so called friend like this. It's funny but I used to feel angry at her but now I feel kind of sorry for her. I remember that there was this man she was always obsessing about who clearly did not give a fig about her. She would write him all these poems and one day he took her aside and gave all the poems back to her. That's the terrible thing about narcs they only love their concept of u not actually u...
Thank you for this video! I just fled a relationship with a covert narcissist. Now that I have started dating again I want to avoid ever being lovebombed but I caught a part of me wishing my new person would do the same things for me: the consistent texts, wanting to see me every day, travelling together right away. This video reminded me that a new healthy love might not look so “romantic” and it is a good thing. It is all about healing so I don’t need lovebombing and obsession to feel loved and seen.
Today is my birthday, I really needed this one. Dr. Ramani your perception of love is reality. The way you described love and obsession is very precise and accurate. Very few in this world are lucky to witness such fortune with their partners. Only parents can love their children unconditionally.
@@cantgetps5564 mhm bt dont make ther assertion that unconditional love is only from parents. it can be experienced in all forms of life, you just are going through something with your gf. most here know that the love we received as children from our parents was not real, and is the reason why we seek wholeness through broken people as an adult.
Even though I’ve been out for 11 years, this video made so much of our relationship, and the relationship he has with our son click. Thank you for this ♥️
I'm going through that same click...out for about 8 yrs now...but he was still alive for 2 of those yrs and it was hell trying to get away. I just learned last week he told out daughter...I'm a horrible person/her mother...he secretly turned her against and feed our own daughter lies, told her about sex all behind my back and it's all coming out now😢 I never saw how bad he really was, it makes me sick 🤢. It's hard to sleep knowing I knew so little.
OMG I wish I knew about you 2 years ago. My narc spent over 10k on me in the first 9 months, sent me a thousand texts a day, we couldn't be in a different room in the house, we couldn't go anywhere without the other, and he would stare at me all the time. Then poof, all gone.
I was thinking a little about this a number of minutes ago... I think for some, atleast, it is "the one that belongs to me" that in some way fills the position of "the mate" .. I simply reduce the mental capacities down to the lower rungs in the animal kingdom and it makes sense. The more advanced functions are not engaged.
So so accurate! I was dealing with a covert narcissist for 2 years and when the obsession died down, i genuinely kept asking him why did u not care about me. I thought it was love because it felt so intense in the beginning. It didnt help that he kept bringing up the fact that he hasnt loved anyone this much in his life. Truth was he was just obsessed and the obsession died down eventually and he cheated.
They love you for what “YOU” do for them, the “things they need from you”❕❕❕ As we all should know by now “we are the flavor of the week, month or year's serving a function to meet their particular needs. We are the drug (their fix) to provide the high they need until they need another kind ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
Wow, there at the end, you use the word "electric"....that's EXACTLY what it all felt like for about the first year or so.......man! I was astounded! BUT then he changed, the mask dropped and after another year of second, third and fourth chances, the scales finally fell from my eyes and I realized, there would be no miraculous turn arounds and that it was painfully and much too slowly coming to an end.....I'm 59, it was sorta my last attempt at having some companionship and affection in my last few years, lol, but I am OVER IT!!! It was the best worst two years of my life and I'm happier with my cats and solitude!!
Same for me & happy to be home safe & free with my cats @ 65 ❤️ don’t give up on love though because faithful friendship is still out there & worth attracting
Wow what a subtle but important distinction. This really helps make clear certain happenings in narcissistic relationships, the trauma bonding, or addictive quality of it. I think it is true that the obsessive quality comes also from a lack of empathy but also a need for grandiosity. Thanks Dr.Ramani. Very useful indeed.
I had a good husband for a time. Unfortunately, he became (always was) a severe alcoholic. I tried for many yrs to get him help. But anyway we were 18 and 22. It's very "uncool" at that age for a guy to call during his break to say what's up. He did...he didn't care how it would be precieved. The difference was, he WAS just saying hi. Not fishing for information, not judging where I was at. It's not an automatic thing of calling or now texting. You can tell.
one of the best videos Dr. Ramni.....I liked tthem all, but this in top 3 and I watched many. Thx for the work you doing you helped me greatly to point the finger on the problem # narcissism and understad it.
For the older ones, did you had a hard time watching that Julia Roberts movie, Sleeping with the enemy? That was one of the first times I understood I had grown up in an abusive family. I couldn't make sense of it for years. But it stuck with me. And although it was hard to do I did watch it again many years later, when I was more mature. And I felt worst. I couldn't cover my eyes (or heart) anymore. The obsession is now something I'm on the lookout for. And maybe too much defensive about. Narcs make us double think when someone is being nice... I need to recalibrate!
I remember my and I shared a strong connection. It really was love but Idk what happened. She starter shifting, speaking language of her friends, over thinking, etc. We had gotten to a point of comfort just being around each other. She ran out of gas on the side of the road at night coming back from a friends and she was able to count on me coming to help her. Cooking together and cleaning up was effortless. Sure, we had some grand fun times and adventures but we made the most out of visiting the grocery store together. Her friends started getting in her head it was transactional, she then thought she used me, we didn't have enough spark, and so on. Weirdest shift I'd seen. I don't want to blame the friends only but they didn't help the same as my friends didn't help with all of their judging. She definitely played victim from her dad and ex so maybe I fell into a savior role. However, I think im sane enough to notice the true signs of a connection vs unhealthy using of others.
Oh my God! Watching dr Ramani 's presentation, it all makes sense now ! Now I get it, that explains a lot in my relationship with him. Thank God, while I was with him, I learnt about narcissism and was watching dr Ramani. Your videos not only helped me find my true self while I was still with him, but also find the courage to leave although in love. I still am in love. But dr Ramani, your videos give me strength to resist him and protect myself
My display model was very honest. We had dated for 4 years, and 3 weeks into our marrage her turned to me and said "Don't think I love you, you are a free maid, cook and wh___." He was obsessed with my leaving because he would have to shop for another model. Oh my!
![Lp. Последняя Реальность #99 ПОСЛЕДНИЙ СЕКРЕТ [Санчез] • Майнкрафт](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/0qVEuJrIaJ8/mqdefault.jpg)
Narcissists aren't loyal to you. They are loyal to their need of you. Once their need changes, so does their loyalty.
Exactly!!
Damn right.
Well said.
Well said. They just need what you have. In my case it was a roof over his head and food in the fridge. It was painful to watch him struggle to be responsible for anything for very long. To this day I don't fully understand it. He would squander anything he got (and yours too!) once the "new" wore off. Is it just me or do a lot of narcissists have substance abuse issues also?
Exactly!! This is my mum and I also had two friends like this. They were smothering af.
I think that the narcissist truly believes that they love you but it is not love. It is about control, ownership and obsession.
Domination as well.
@@KarenGriffith_SoulfulCoaching yes.
Narcs are confused
@@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807 yes.
Agreed
Unfortunately, a narcissist, covert narcissist or a covert religious narcissist don’t have the capacity to love you. What I found out is to don’t never lose yourself trying to find someone who can’t be found.
The baggage they carry is way too much and not worth the merry go round of mind games
❤
All narcs are obsessed and do not love anyone. It's impossible because it goes against NPD
My Covert Narcissist mom never said,"I love you" but she say,"Do you know HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU? You wouldn't be alive if I didn't love you!" or whatever BS on some occasions when we argue. Of course when we argue she play victim, do all the things that a narcissist would do, whataboutsim, red herring and strawman logic.
You see she's the I KNOW EVERYTHING MORE THAN YOU. I'M YOUR MOTHER! However when it's time to prove that she knows everything she straight up play victim at home OR when in public she act stupid and try to make it sound funny.
No theynate terrible grown ups that pick on delayed knowledge process then call it thirty own and shit talk into continental divides
Their love is a burden we have to carry like a trauma
Like a kiss from a tick with Borellia
My latest narcissist was not obsessed with but it was not what I could call love either. The only thing he loved was what I provided for him: a ready-made family, assets, income and prestige.
Narcissists do whatever it takes to get whatever they want. Count on being sold short while they manipulate you into believing they love you.
A relationship with a narcissist can be compared to a parasite relative to a host. The parasite is chronically dependent on a host but shouldn’t be mistaken as love.
Wow never thought about it like that. But I do remember when I left the narc I would say to myself, "I have to get him off of me" and made the physical gesture of wiping something off of me. 😫 Yup...I know now, he was a parasite sucking the life out of me.
Everyone they encounter is their hosts
It makes me so uncomfortable when someone starts texting me "Good morning " everyday. It feels so fake to me.
Because it is. I hate it too!
Me too, I always get the vibe that they want something when they send that smh
Same
Omg i felt the same way he texted good morning beautiful i love u ❤ every morning almost the same text. It doesn’t feel sincere especially when he gaslighted me the night before, conflicts were not resolved, thought I was overreacting, my feelings didn’t matter. I really thought maybe I wasn’t grateful at least he text every morning. I really thought maybe i was wrong, at least I should move on and flirt again through texts which he loves. But then again it just throw our problems under the rug.
The almost non existent affection while he was in person with me confused me so much. He always got up first after we finished eating at the restaurant and walk so fast that he was already in the car. Same thing walking everywhere I had to request him to keep his pace with me but he told me i was too slow. But he was very consistent on good morning text and good night phone call just to tell me he was going to bed.
@@FoodieQueenBeeYes , very weird
Once you know the narcissist’s tricks, it’s painfully clear on how to spot them. The problem is that 99.9% who were abused narcissists only learn that after the abuse.
Is this meant to say "abused by* narcissists"? Or is it correctly written? I ask because if it is correctly written, maybe it is you with the issue.
@@jameshunt6414i think it was a mistake
@@user-qi3hf8ko3q fingers crossed.
True, they always discover it after the fact, when narcs have depleted them of all their resources, or have a nervous breakdown from emotional torture
@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807 unfortunately I guess that's likely. Even if you aren't a narcissist, or maybe especially if you aren't a narcissist your prediction of how others will treat you is based on how you would act, which seems reasonable, but surrounded by the wrong people and you could be in real trouble.
Mine didn't love me. They just wanted to "own" me, subject me to their personal judgments, brag and garner my attention and adoration, and OWN my TIME! Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
Well said.
Very well said!
That is definitely my experience. 😢
💕 💞 ♥️ 💜 💙 🧡 💕 💞 ♥️ to all of you!!!!!!!!!
@@genevalawrence801 💕 💞 ♥️ 💜
I don’t believe that narcissists can love anything. Because they don’t love themselves, so they have no love to give. Which is why they’re so negative and pessimistic. In any interaction with them you will feel drained. Because all they can do is take from you.
The one I had 'relationship' with never shed a tear when his own son from 1st marriage committed suicide. That was truly shocking to me.
@@ricardoleroyyarbraming9638 Yes it is just obsession and leaving you with puzzles to figure out, because of their attachment disorder.
They can't love - so obviously they don't love. They only access negative emotions.
Yes they have very fragile identities
When a grown ass man acts like a child and wants to see me every minute of every day, wants to drive by just to give me a kiss, wants to text and talk day and night, and literally says he's getting addicted to me, well, there's only one explanation: Obsession. You are right, Dr. Ramani, it felt so good as it was happening, but made me uncomfortable too. "Love is quiet". ❤
If they pout because they can't see you it's a huge warning sign (just learned)
you girls just described what i failed to describe with words to myself for so long
Money can’t buy love only prostitutes for that hour, or night. 💯
Interesting to understand how this "being seen and heard" as an adult, while being the focus of obsession by a narcissist, actually reawakens the core wound implanted by your narcissistic caregivers, who then, in a way, keep the "legacy" going, since you never felt what it was like to be loved. That's why it's so hard to break the trauma bonding, to reprogram yourself, to leave.
This! ❤
This, especially for those who grew up hearing the phrase, "children should be seen and not heard".
So well put.
@@jdredmanI heard that a lot. Doesn’t that mean my dad was a Narc. Probably right?
Ouch. This hits hard
It's taken me a minute since I watched this to find this quote. A Dr. a long time ago, she told me, " All the love goes to them, they use you to regulate themselves. They only love you for what you give them, what you represent."
I think they obsess only as a part of their
agenda/ life. Its never about 'you'
They will use you as a board for them to launch themselves. They will use you period . And loyalty ? Forget it. It took me best part of 12 yrs to find out. I don't watch you alot now as I'm out of the trauma of the Narc. But I must say I find that your information and your delivery is the BEST on this subject on here. Best wishes to you thank you for being there for us.
Took me the same amount of time to figure it all out. Such a waste of time and effort and it got me nowhere!
No there is no love without empathy. listening to your "gut" feelings helps
Yep
I did and I left the relationship because it was stagnant and felt not genuine. I didn’t feel safe or heard. Every conversation that are deep would go into disrespectful arguments. He manipulated me to be a silent woman. Nothing I say have any value
At 6:00 “love does not require endless gratitude, validation, and appreciation” really struck home. My therapist has helped me realize that my husband’s behavior at home and his multiple affairs are all indicative of his ‘validation addiction’. Understanding that wasn’t love for me has been difficult, especially at a heart level.
You were there externally as a mirror of how wonderful he was & if you didn’t reflect what he wanted to see then you’re worthless ❤️🩹
I see now that narcissists needs validation, he would complain if I didn’t reply his texts on time or as soon as I got up. Or if I didn’t call him back fast enough. I felt so guilty when he said all that, I felt i was a bad person for not able to reply quickly or call back quickly.
sending love directly to your broken heart. hope it mends and you gain strength
Yes.
To us it looks like obsession but they’re really trying to feed their addiction.
I'm currently in a narcissistic relationship and working on an exit plan. He has told me on multiple occasions that all he thinks about is me. The overuse of compliments and flattering, the gifts, the texts. It's exhausting. It seems so obvious now.
I was raised by a Narc Mom - so her definition of love became my definition of love. As an adult, I endured years and years of abuse in my relationships, because I was raised to believe love was an erratic cycle of grand gestures - followed by insults, isolation, punishing silence, and conditional love. I thank God for saving me from that horrible life.
Same here and i told my ex first dat.. are you obsessive? Didn't see how cleaŕ i saw the signs and asked the questions. Still went on. Because i felt safe, because my mother was same
No, I don’t think he loved me. I think he thought I was an obsession. I think I was an object to conquer kind of like a puppet you put up on the shelf and when he is finished with you, he’d put me back but when I need you the expectation is that I can come and get you when I want you.
OMG....this really hit home.....I asked myself this so many times....does be really love me? Then I d leave, come back, he d be so great until the devaluation kicked in again...a vicious circle...I think he realised the last time I left when I told him, " You don't love me or anyone, you have no empathy" the look on his face was like a realisation that, the game is over. Even then, as I was packing, his comments were, Go, I don t need you....don't go, calm down, its late, you can leave tomorrow...ny car was top heavy and he saidcome back for the rest tomorrow....I told him, I ll never come back. Its 2 years in November....I m slowly becoming me again...
This really explains a lot with my ex. I'm a "love is the little things" person like you described; taking care of the things your SO hates to do or watching a TV show or movie they like but you don't care for, being there for them and listening, doing things like changing the oil in their car or making sure it is clean and gassed up. And my ex just wanted these grand gestures like flowers and non-stop attention to show love but was never appreciative of the little things I did. It was like those little things never happened or didn't even matter to her.
And we all have the same stories about pouring into the narcissist.. I feel ya!!
was she incapable of maintainng her own car or buying gas? that sounds like control. you were her man, and as i see it, helping with the car is a given not an act of love. putting gas in it and cleaning it sounds controlling though.....don't do for someone what they can do for themselves and then act slighted when you're not praised for it. she didn't ask you to do it....hope you can learn to see how you were at fault in your own relationship as well!
That’s exactly how abusers see their victim-to-be: a wonderful and perfect woman (or man, as it may be) who will fulfil all their secret dreams and desires unlike all those previous [deleted expletives]. Yes, abusers future-fake themselves.
The point where their idol doesn’t meet their expectations is where the problems start.
Oooh, the “it’s me and you against the world” that truly had me baffled. I didn’t think the world was against us 😮
They have adversarial minds, not much "live and let live" ..
I used to be in a relationship with a narc. He revenged people that did harm to me. I thought he was my hero until i also got hurt by him in a cruel way like he treated others.
I believe that love is following through on promises. Narcissists are only loyal as long as you admire them and put them on a pedestal. Once you show any sort of real emotions or vulnerability, narcissists can't handle that and will quickly walk away.
I reconnected with an old classmate. Her first sentence was "Yay, I finally have an attractive friend". Red Flag! Bye bye.
It's so good 🙂
whoa weird huh?!@?
Obsession is so extreme. I hate it. But the more I hate it, the stronger its power over me. So: let go of obsession. Obsession is the bondsge of SELF.
Thanks for impacting the world with your teachings. I've grown mentally and emotionally in 2023 just by watching you and going to therapy ❤
This is very interesting. I've noticed that narcissists often use "love"/ obsession to prove their worth - like comparing how expensive their engagement ring is to yours, with the implication that if yours is less expensive (and it is or they wouldn't make the comparison), you are less loved and less valuable. Same thing for gifts, vacations, restaurants - anything with a price tag. It is weird, because those can not even be your values (like maybe the cost of your ring never entered your mind before they brought it up), but you can temporarily get sucked in and feel less than. When you finally understand, you look back and it is distressing how the interaction made you feel inadequate by someone else's standards.
Yep he would tell me I love you by taking me out to eat and paid for it and would mentioned it when we had rocky conversations that he did that because he loved me
When you really love somebody you don't care how much the engagement ring costs...you are just happy to be marrying the person you love. I knew a nice young Christian guy and he was not rich...he worked and saved up to propose to his girlfriend with a little $500 ring...she was very happy and they are now happily married. You don't have to have the most expensive things to be happy. Narcissists only want the most expensive stuff to show off they are better then other people...they might get the most expensive stuff but in a loveless marriage of lies and cheating.
I have had one narcissistic relationship where he was obsessed with me. It was unhealthy. Things started downhill when I did not live up to his expectations.
This isn't just in romantic relationships, family can be possessive, time consuming & jealous too, and completely believe that it's all in the name of love.
right and they feel rejected if you want to live your own life and aren't interested in their games.
My narc ex beat me, got me kicked out of 3 apartments in 3 months , fired from my second job and stalked and harassed workers at my first job and then would send me all sorts of messages about how they were in love with me and I should come to their hotel. That was the first time I understood obssession vs love. Scary.
Who is they?
@@karlabritfeld7104"They" is the OP's ex. It's a trick to conceal the gender of the person being discussed. IME, in the past, people only used gender-neutral "they" to refer to a hypothetical or unknown person of unknown sex. Nowadays however, it's being used for specific people, as well. Personally, I think it's confusing, as it not only conceals the gender of the person being discussed, but can also obfuscate the number of persons in question. It's jarring to switch from discussing one specific person to hearing "they" and wondering "how many people are actually talking about?" Sorry, rant over 😂
@@deadparrot5953 The world is a homophobic place, and increasingly so. Instead of going to AN ABUSE SURVIVOR group and bringing your political BS in here. "They" is used by EVERYONE in their common language and people understand it completely. Don't come in here and gaslight us and pretend you don't know. It's, frankly, disgusting that you come here and make this political. Disgusting;
@@deadparrot5953It has become a normal way of talking for many people as well due to copying without thinking, such as saying could care less, instead of couldn't care less!
I've always said he or she though because they is plural and know someone who says we rather than I or me. I was never sure if she meant her daughter and our brother and late mother in regard to opinions etc. 🤔
Using “they” as a pronoun is blatant insanity. I’ve seen lunatics try to explain it away using old Poetry and informal language, but for me “THEY” will always mean plural (more than one person)
And I think some of these people with mental illness have demonic spirits in them that cause them to believe they are more than one person and “THEY” are any gender they feel like being that day.
Next they will be trying to convince us “THEY” identify as their favorite animal and their identification preference should be respected
Hello! Narcissism is largely the person being obsessed with themselves. For example every day i can't help but pat my self on the back for how smart i am
Yikes!! It's the perfect explanation for why I felt trapped, as well as why his behavior changed when I became more and more independent.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
Experts like Dr. Ramani that take the time to create this videos are saving my life. I wish I listened 4 years ago when I begin to have doubts. I had my nose broken by my narcissist and expensive gifts followed. He slapped me, chocked me, kicked me, spitted on me. But he got me a house, cuddled me and provided all my meals. Told me the abuse was my fault because my jealousy and that I was his world..He started therapy, stopped some of the physical abuse, but switched to playing victim to my.extreme reactivity at the end. He told me that if I leave he was going to be single for a year to.grieve... because he needs to smile, cannot be alone.
I left... Dr. Ramani and other experts are my life line to deal with my trauma bond, help me bite my pillow and don't go back. Thank you. God bless you! ❤
After to listening to videos made by men diagnosed with NPD, I doubt my ex was capable of what I call love. He was not obsessed with me but rather building and maintaining an amazing image for himself. He loved what I could provide him with but not me as a person.
This was my experience as well. I was a box he needed to check to project the image he wanted to show the world.
Tina Turner’s “What you get is what you see” keeps playing through my mind.
Such an anthem ❤🎉
Been here before. People just put you on a pedestal & don’t see you who for you really are. I think relentlessly telling the truth is the only way to weed people out. Until eventually you find someone that matches your energy & consciousness
I have had some of my adult children insist that their father loved me. My answer is that his definition of love was not the same as most people. Love doesn't behave that way.
Definitely obsession in my experience. Their version of ‘love’ is abuse, period! Thank God I found the strength to pull myself out of that mess. No Contact for 6 months. Feeling so much better and more like myself! Thank you Dr. Ramani, I appreciate you 🙏🏼
Love is a pure feeling, unifing, uplifting, without outcomes. Everything that my parents didn't show me or teach me.
Thanks Dr!
I agree with you 💯❤ Dr. Ramani. It is not love, it's obsession. So, if it feels excessive, it must be obsession, not love. In the end, that is not what truly matters in a relationship. Thank you for this❤❤❤
I'm laughing because if anyone had done any of those obsessive things with me I would have run screaming. Nothing impresses me less than someone trying to impress me. My husband would just tell me what I wanted to hear and then "change his mind". He was the poster boy for love bombing but in a covert way. I got sucked right in. For a while.....
Same
This video really helped me. I'm struggling with rumination because I keep thinking "well this person cared" but looking back it mostly felt obsessive and that bw what does love look like was really tripping me up as my parents were very toxic as well so I'm used to love-bombing/devaulation. This really helped give me clarity that this is common in narcissistic relationships and I definitely related to mirroring that behavior as well and then feeling weird/icky/guilty because it didn't feel right/normal to me.
I think what they experience is pretty much limerence. Lots of people can experience it, at different times in their lives, for various reasons... except most people have the awareness to know they are just obsessed and the self control to not act on the fantasies without at least some discernment. They just have as little control over this ''love'' as they do over raging or malignant behaviors.
Obsession can never feel like love and your description of both of them is brilliant dr Ramani. Love is peace, security, stability, care, empathy, compassion , patience, humility and so much more. Love is life and obsession is like putting life on hold. I loved this message. Thank you. God bless you❤
This woman just made my day. And she has done so, on several occasions when i sought clarity about what kind of person I'm dealing with. Thank you very much Dr. Ramani. 🙏
This was me! The shine wore off, her real self came out, negativity everywhere when out in public, and rules and conformity or arguments about how little stupid things get done. I took the bait, she pushed my buttons, I just went gray rock and now I ignore, maybe take a week or more to respond and no face time and explained my boundaries to not come over. She sending her cousin a flying monkey to bring me a few items.
My narcissistic relationship was a friendship that happened during COVID, online and through text. Definitely my so-called friend was obsessive in exactly this way. But in the context of COVID it felt like a genuine very intense friendship was forming. Until he got bored one day and then became nasty. And it left me wondering if he ever even respected me at all and that's when it all fell apart and was so hurtful.
They catfish online nowadays. Sick.
They love having someone who loves them. If one defines love as making the other feeling happy, free, fulfilled, the problem becomes visible immeadiately
To become resistant to love bombing, it helps to learn to see yourself and practice being heard in your daily life. Actively speak up once a day in various aspects of your life. Share yourself with a safe person once a day. Write down 3 wins from your day before bed. See yourself. Allow yourself to feel heard by other people. Once you learn to get these needs met for yourself, you won’t be as vulnerable to love bombing and manipulation. Take your power back. For anyone caught in a trauma bond, please be gentle with yourself. It’s psychologically tough.
This is very helpful, thank you. 🙏🏻
I heard a female fellow worker expound her view on relationships saying, " People should just come together for sex, then go to their separate side of the house". What a concept !
Haha whatever rocks each couple's boat.
Maybe, she dealt with a narc
@@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807or maybe she's the narc! It sounds like what a narcissist would say, very selfish comment.
Its always tit for tat.
I gave up on my sister yrs ago....she made everything so tense and was so passive aggressive all the time.
Even being in the same room as her, was just so awful....the vibes they put out are so negative and controlling.
There's no love, just a business like deal....and then judgement about how much it would have cost and comparisons like this.
No love, no gratitude, just a deal....and if you havent come up to their delusional expectations, then they wont visit or offer help or afternoon tea...or doing anything to help their aging parents for a few months or years.
Same here along with "one up" on me...Example: If I had a regular sedan, she would claim she had a luxury sedan $30K more expensive...She would do this all the time along with put downs mixed in with false complements
Purely transactional ,
my husband literally told me last night that he has neglected me and my feelings and wellbeing because I have been not able to keep up with the housework ,I just had our 4th baby 6 weeks ago- he literally like abandoned me the whole first week I was home postpartum since my mother came over to help out, he felt that meant he got to be gone for hours on end doing whatever he wanted to do and go on his friends boat all day and out drinking and smoking cigars on the deck every single day and not once check in on me or any of my needs as a partner as I recovered because I don’t really matter to him in a real loving sense…
I love my babies we have had together but sadly I brought another poor child victim into this Narc mess- I was so hopeful for many years thinking he loved me- I finally got my clarity and I have actually allowed myself to fully listen to his words and actions and see the light in this darkness- the mask dropped and I lowered my rose colored glasses and now can fully see and accept he never loved me …it was all an illusion…
This is where things gets shady and confusing for many people. Respect, friendship, obsession in a positive way like creativity is the best thing in a love relationship, does not give right for rage and hate. Obsession in jealousy and control is the problem. Obsession on empathy is the most romantic and beautiful thing that happens between a man and a woman when they really care for each other. If problems shows up is not because obsessive empathy, but because other things are happening like cheating, financial problems, divorce or inmaturity.
This shines a light on how important it is to understand the difference between obsession and love. I would like more videos on this because it's tricky. I hate how these people twist kindness and generosity for their own ends.
I think some people truly do show love with some grand gestures because that's how they are. Unfortunately, others warp this to get what they want. So how do we tell the difference? I've been thinking about it a little bit after watching this video, trying to find a way to differentiate the two. I think I've come to a preliminary conclusion.
If someone does give you a grand gesture and you genuinely think or say "you didn't have to" because you truly feel they didn't have to, but it feels like a pleasant bonus, then it's probably genuine. When love is involved and they do all the quiet little gestures that you want and need, then a grand gesture feels like a bonus, the icing on the cake, maybe unnecessary, but sweet nevertheless (and gratefully received).
When obsession is involved, this is probably the *only* time you feel appreciated, "loved" and seen, because the rest of the time you don't receive those little gestures that take care of your wants and needs. Sometimes you might even feel doubt and negativity about the relationship, possibly even thinking of leaving it, but these grand gestures pull you back in. You think "see they can be generous, maybe they aren't so bad after all. Maybe I'm being too picky" The grand gestures keep you there and are the only evidence you have of their "generosity." It's never about the little things, the little things don't exist in that relationship.
To conclude, in a healthy relationship where real love is involved, a grand gesture would feel like a wonderful surprise, but even if it didn't happen, you would still be happy with the relationship because those quiet little gestures _do_ exist. In an obsessive relationship, the grand gesture is necessary to keep the relationship going, to maintain the illusion of pleasantness, because without it, it's hollow.
In summary:
- a grand gesture coupled with the quiet gestures = love
- a grand gesture with no quiet gestures = obsession
A good thought exercise could be, "if this grand gesture didn't happen, how many positives are there in the relationship? Would I still be happy in it?"
I'm not sure it's the whole picture and I'm still trying to figure it out myself, but I think it's some way there. What does everyone else think?
I had someone OBSSESS with me to the point that I literally thought (and believed) *suicide* was the only way out. I was more than unhappy in the relationship -- I was _miserable_ and yet still he just WOULD NOT LET GO: even when I told him *multiple times* that it was over, he didn't get it.
It was horrible, it drove me into bankruptcy, it tore my own family apart... a narcissist is a PSYCHOPATH. There's no cure, no treatment, ONLY DECONTAMINATION AND DISTANCE.
This is me right now. I keep telling my husband that even if everything improved between us, if I am no longer in it or can no longer move forward, that he has to please understand that he has to let me go. It’s been a lot of repeat cycles that I don’t trust it anymore but this time it really does feel true and I question if I am the narc person. If he’s offering everything and my kids are happy, why would I be selfish to let it go if it can finally be what I’ve been fighting for. And I’ve thought so many times that maybe no longer being here would be the better option bc idk if I can be happy anymore or I can’t trust my mind anymore on what is love. I’ve told him that I’m no longer good for him if I can’t love him the way he deserves and I don’t bring him excitement or energy but he Keeps saying he loves me and will go down swinging. Is he fighting for our marriage out of love or is he fighting for his image and what he thinks I bring him. It’s so confusing. My heart tells me I was finding peace as I was walking away but my broken mind tells me I’m being irrational and just depressed and will regret walking away.
And then they go on and tell everybody that you are obsessed with them. So, considering their projection, I believe that dr. Ramani is telling the absolute truth!
What’s scary is that he actually directly would tell me that he was obsessed with me and the first time he ever said that, I got REALLY scared and wanted to run away… So many instances I wanted to run. I’m so glad I’m safe and no contact. Stay strong and stay safe🩵
Even though I've been no contact for 14 years my narc sister is still obsessed with getting into my life. They get obsessed even when it's not a romantic relationship.
yep im watching this to learn not about romantic but obsession with me within my family system. just as disturbing honestly.
@@marciestoddard730I totally agree with you about the family system and one particular family member used to be like an obsessed ex-partner!
It's still the case at times, even though she has been living in another country for many years now. 🥺
you have an uncanny ability to see into my life’s experiences. sometimes loneliness obscures my perceptions. not today, dr r. thank you
Dr. Ramani, I’ve watched many of your videos and they’ve had a major impact on my life and how I operate with narcissistic people. This particular video is so very on point! I swear this one is IT!!! I don’t even like for people to tell me they love me for this very reason. In their eyes, we’re just objects to bring temporary satisfaction and happiness. All those statements are easy for them to say because they want someone to say it to them. That’s their only motivation. There’s no real depth. Thank you for this.
They are obsessed with themselves being able to have you or whatever they want in their possession
Oh my god you just shined so much light on a 30 year relationship. It started when I was about 10 and he was 13. Obsession.. not love. Wow.. so incredibly eye opening. I did the same things this woman says she did. I tried to match it to keep him. But it came and went. With songs he wrote. Attention. Letters. So so much more. I have quite the story that some day, Dr. Ramani, I hope to share on your Navigating Narcissists channel. You know, if I ever have the courage to write my book. 😅
whoa that's very crazy to have met someone and stayed that long from age 10
Mine was obsessed with me for 6 months, til the last day when he discarded me. He kept violating my boundaries and when I asked him not to do XYZ, he kept pushing me and pushing. He then devalued me, found a new source a supply - a woman he had a virtual connection with over the phone/internet social media for 2.5 years (they never met in person when we were together, but he met this new supply 2 days after he discarded me). OMG, I am so glad it's over and that he is now her headache, and not mine 😃 God exists...
I used to have a so called friend like this. It's funny but I used to feel angry at her but now I feel kind of sorry for her. I remember that there was this man she was always obsessing about who clearly did not give a fig about her. She would write him all these poems and one day he took her aside and gave all the poems back to her. That's the terrible thing about narcs they only love their concept of u not actually u...
I think obsession is trying to please someone with a lot of effort, but love is feeling the security, that your love is approved, and you are safe
Obsession is an unhealthy fixation of the mind on a person place or thing. It is a disorder and a sign that the person is malfunctioning
Thank you for this video! I just fled a relationship with a covert narcissist. Now that I have started dating again I want to avoid ever being lovebombed but I caught a part of me wishing my new person would do the same things for me: the consistent texts, wanting to see me every day, travelling together right away. This video reminded me that a new healthy love might not look so “romantic” and it is a good thing. It is all about healing so I don’t need lovebombing and obsession to feel loved and seen.
Love is following through on what you said you’d do - sums it up. Only one I trust at this point is my landlord!
Today is my birthday, I really needed this one. Dr. Ramani your perception of love is reality. The way you described love and obsession is very precise and accurate. Very few in this world are lucky to witness such fortune with their partners. Only parents can love their children unconditionally.
Most people watching this channel are victims of narcissistic parental abuse . Please try to stay away from generalizations like this .
@@AN-fb7hc So am I, I recently am trying to disengage with my narc gf. It's real hard and I am fighting. Her videos are just visionary to me.
@@cantgetps5564 mhm bt dont make ther assertion that unconditional love is only from parents. it can be experienced in all forms of life, you just are going through something with your gf. most here know that the love we received as children from our parents was not real, and is the reason why we seek wholeness through broken people as an adult.
Even though I’ve been out for 11 years, this video made so much of our relationship, and the relationship he has with our son click. Thank you for this ♥️
I'm going through that same click...out for about 8 yrs now...but he was still alive for 2 of those yrs and it was hell trying to get away. I just learned last week he told out daughter...I'm a horrible person/her mother...he secretly turned her against and feed our own daughter lies, told her about sex all behind my back and it's all coming out now😢 I never saw how bad he really was, it makes me sick 🤢. It's hard to sleep knowing I knew so little.
OMG I wish I knew about you 2 years ago. My narc spent over 10k on me in the first 9 months, sent me a thousand texts a day, we couldn't be in a different room in the house, we couldn't go anywhere without the other, and he would stare at me all the time. Then poof, all gone.
This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Thank you ❤️
I was thinking a little about this a number of minutes ago... I think for some, atleast, it is "the one that belongs to me" that in some way fills the position of "the mate" .. I simply reduce the mental capacities down to the lower rungs in the animal kingdom and it makes sense. The more advanced functions are not engaged.
You just explained my last 9 years! Thank you for all your wisdom!❤ 😊
Finally loves description i was hoping for...
Thank you
So so accurate! I was dealing with a covert narcissist for 2 years and when the obsession died down, i genuinely kept asking him why did u not care about me. I thought it was love because it felt so intense in the beginning. It didnt help that he kept bringing up the fact that he hasnt loved anyone this much in his life. Truth was he was just obsessed and the obsession died down eventually and he cheated.
They love you for what “YOU” do for them, the “things they need from you”❕❕❕ As we all should know by now “we are the flavor of the week, month or year's serving a function to meet their particular needs. We are the drug (their fix) to provide the high they need until they need another kind ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
Thank you very much for your work! Awesome videos, very insightful and informative!
Thank you. This was the best video that I personally needed to hear right now. I appreciate you Dr.
This video is hitting home! Thank you for sharing
This is so wonderful. I wish everyone could understand this.
You give me such comfort just listening to you talk about this.
Thank you...❤
Love the Dr Ramani definition of love. Thank you!❤
Yeah, my experience over the past 40+ years is that it’s obsession and what they can get.
Thanks for clearing this up. ❤
Wow Dr. RAMANI thank you so well said!
Beautifully said Dr R. ❤
This is one of the best videos of Dr.Ramani out of so many best videos. She articulated the difference between love and obsession.
Wow, there at the end, you use the word "electric"....that's EXACTLY what it all felt like for about the first year or so.......man! I was astounded! BUT then he changed, the mask dropped and after another year of second, third and fourth chances, the scales finally fell from my eyes and I realized, there would be no miraculous turn arounds and that it was painfully and much too slowly coming to an end.....I'm 59, it was sorta my last attempt at having some companionship and affection in my last few years, lol, but I am OVER IT!!! It was the best worst two years of my life and I'm happier with my cats and solitude!!
Same for me & happy to be home safe & free with my cats @ 65 ❤️ don’t give up on love though because faithful friendship is still out there & worth attracting
Oh the goofyness! Love seeing Dr. Ramani's personality in her videos! ❤
Wow what a subtle but important distinction. This really helps make clear certain happenings in narcissistic relationships, the trauma bonding, or addictive quality of it. I think it is true that the obsessive quality comes also from a lack of empathy but also a need for grandiosity. Thanks Dr.Ramani. Very useful indeed.
This is a beautiful, meaningful message. Thank you♥️
I had a good husband for a time. Unfortunately, he became (always was) a severe alcoholic. I tried for many yrs to get him help. But anyway we were 18 and 22. It's very "uncool" at that age for a guy to call during his break to say what's up. He did...he didn't care how it would be precieved. The difference was, he WAS just saying hi. Not fishing for information, not judging where I was at. It's not an automatic thing of calling or now texting. You can tell.
one of the best videos Dr. Ramni.....I liked tthem all, but this in top 3 and I watched many. Thx for the work you doing you helped me greatly to point the finger on the problem # narcissism and understad it.
Wow Dr Ramani… you’ve really stepped up the technical game for youre videos. Bravo!
For the older ones, did you had a hard time watching that Julia Roberts movie, Sleeping with the enemy?
That was one of the first times I understood I had grown up in an abusive family. I couldn't make sense of it for years. But it stuck with me. And although it was hard to do I did watch it again many years later, when I was more mature. And I felt worst.
I couldn't cover my eyes (or heart) anymore.
The obsession is now something I'm on the lookout for. And maybe too much defensive about.
Narcs make us double think when someone is being nice... I need to recalibrate!
Thank you once again spot on
I remember my and I shared a strong connection. It really was love but Idk what happened. She starter shifting, speaking language of her friends, over thinking, etc.
We had gotten to a point of comfort just being around each other. She ran out of gas on the side of the road at night coming back from a friends and she was able to count on me coming to help her. Cooking together and cleaning up was effortless. Sure, we had some grand fun times and adventures but we made the most out of visiting the grocery store together.
Her friends started getting in her head it was transactional, she then thought she used me, we didn't have enough spark, and so on. Weirdest shift I'd seen. I don't want to blame the friends only but they didn't help the same as my friends didn't help with all of their judging.
She definitely played victim from her dad and ex so maybe I fell into a savior role. However, I think im sane enough to notice the true signs of a connection vs unhealthy using of others.
Oh my God!
Watching dr Ramani 's presentation, it all makes sense now !
Now I get it, that explains a lot in my relationship with him.
Thank God, while I was with him, I learnt about narcissism and was watching dr Ramani. Your videos not only helped me find my true self while I was still with him, but also find the courage to leave although in love. I still am in love. But dr Ramani, your videos give me strength to resist him and protect myself
I thought about recently how there were people I felt content sitting quietly with
My display model was very honest. We had dated for 4 years, and 3 weeks into our marrage her turned to me and said "Don't think I love you, you are a free maid, cook and wh___." He was obsessed with my leaving because he would have to shop for another model. Oh my!