Jerry is the epitome of what a true father represents. Compassion, attentive, empathy, genuine love and care. Sometimes it makes me randomly tear up because he's truly the parent I've always wanted but never got. You truly are a blessing in the world.
Yes! It will come back to bite her so hard. /: I know from experience. The kid will get old enough to take off on his own to see his dad. And when she doesnt want that to happen, he will rebel. He will say she's the crazy one bc all of a sudden once he has a relationship now she talks bad about it and says he's not a good person to live with etc.
Adoption is not something that should be forced on a child who is vocally saying he does not want it. He knows his dad and yes, his feelings may change as he gets older. But that's up to him and no one else. This isn't something that has to happen right now. Hopefully when they go in front of a judge and the judge asks the boy what he thinks, his feelings are heard.
I find it odd they asked a 5 year old. of course he loves his daddy. And I can only imagine OP said so blank will be your new daddy. no kid will say yes to that. But honestly OP doesn't really give the best argument for allowing her husband to adopt OP. Adoption is forever. If they get divorced that does not change.
@@ADWebTV kids should be asked, and age can be taken into account. This is his entire future in question. They are literally trying to change who his daddy is. There is no urgent need to push forward with this before he is old enough to comprehend the consequences of either decision.
@@taylorpnw612 Kids have parents, I'm not saying kids should never be asked but I this situation the kid doesn't truly understand their bio dad lack of ability to be a good father. Therefore not understanding their bio dad will always bring their bio dad regardless of being adopted. If mom does is bio dad a suitable parent to be sent to live with. People often just think it's the kid taking their last name and even how OP presented it is to me not a reason to do it. But bio dad should be not whom the kid goes to if she passes and she does need to make formal steps for that possibility. Most kids are give a choice as they get older because they have better understanding about things.
@@ADWebTV they are given a choices they get older because they have a better understanding of things. Correct, and the rest of your comment honestly is irrelevant because we're not arguing different points here. This is permanent and does not need to happen, nor should it happen, until the child is old enough to understand and give input into his own life. This is a big deal and it's permanent and the stepdad is not really his parent at this point in time. His mom is, and she's very hesitant. You should be 100% sure of such a big thing. If the kid doesn't even see him as a parent, forcing the issue will not help. They need to just slow down and wait. There are other ways to ensure the boy doesn't go with his dad. Custody doesn't just default to the other parent no matter what, especially when they're a convicted criminal who's only allowed supervised visitations. Adoption right this moment is not the answer here and I think we both agree on that..
On story 2, I would start by taking the boy to therapy. My niece was taken from her mom the LAST time at around age 8, after having been take for short periods several times before that due to her mom’s drug use and neglect. Obviously there’s a lot more trauma involved in my niece’s case, but your son is obviously struggling with separation from dad and holding onto something that’s not reality anymore, except for now. Maybe don’t force adoption on him just yet but definitely find a good therapist that can help him process these feelings and in an age-appropriate way help him open his eyes to the situation and what ways adoption by stepdad can benefit him and mom. Just because stepdad is adopting you doesn’t mean bio dad is gone forever.
Through 23 and me I found out I have 5 half siblings!!! I was conceived through a one night stand 30 years ago and back in February I was contacted by my half brother. We are doing a road trip to meet them in less than a week!! However I chose not to meet my bio father because he was and still is not a good guy.
Oh boy... Here we go: My parents got divorced when I was an infant. My Bio dad went straight out to sail around the world, and what he experienced made him an alcoholic. They divorced because he kept cheating, as well as never coming home for the important stuff. My mom found a new man soon after, which was not easy with three kids. He is my hero and the one I call dad. He was the one who picked me up from school when I got bullied and helped pay for us to have a loving home. My bio dad never really tried having a relationship with us, before I turned 10. That was because he had a girlfriend who kind of made him try. This resulted in a dad who was there, and not there. He made promises, and barely kept them. My most horrible memory was when I was 12. He promised to pick me up at 10am, and then we would spend a day together. He didn't come. I called him, and he gave an excuse about being late. Noon arrived. I call him. A new excuse about being late. 2pm. Rinse and repeat, until 10pm I could hear him become more drunk as the hours went by. At 10pm, I told him not to bother. It was too late, and I knew he didn't choose me. Then I hung up and went to my mom's bedroom. I cried and she sighed deeply. (my step-dad works at an off-shore firm as well, and keeps people safe at oil rigs. So he wasn't home) My mom never once spoke down about him in our childhood. She only said: don't get your hopes up about him. Just be happy if he comes. This small sentence helped, as it was not a lie on my bio-dads behalf. Also made it so I do not resent my mother for trying to 'glamour' him and lying to me as a child. I did get a relationship with my bio-dad as a grown up. I loved him, but more like a fun uncle. But back in 2017, I asked my step-dad if he wanted to adopt my siblings and I, who all loves him like our dad. This was a blow to my bio-dad, but he accepted it. Not that he could do anything about is, as we were all adults at the time of this happening. This was something we did of our choice. My bio-dad died here in february. His lifestyle having caught up to him. I miss him. I grieve him. I did love him... But I don't see him as my dad.
lol when you mentioned the “everyone whose driving, safe driving, no road rage”… I listen to your podcasts (FKS and THT) to keep me calm and prevent me road raging and it helps so much 😂 Love you guys! Come to North Carolina soon!
Story 2: I have that bio dad, and an amazing stepdad (I was 5 when my mom married him). I'm 31 now, married, with kids of my own. I always knew that my stepdad, aka "Dad," would be honored if I said I wanted to change my name...but my maiden name was my link not just to bio-Dad, but to his whole family, and it was the only "me" I'd ever known. I think I would have really resented my mom and Dad if they'd changed MY name against my wishes. Stepdad was at all my events, a lot of my friends didn't know he wasn't my bio-Dad for months/years (because it wasn't something I ever thought to bring up), he helped put me through college (with my paternal grandmother, mom, and myself), and he walked me down the aisle at my wedding. Making the surname the point of contention isn't going to be good. Advice to the mom -- have your husband sit your son down and tell him how loved he is. That he can have whoever's name, but that stepdad will always put him first and consider him a son. Let your son make decisions about his own identity. The doors will still open around town if your spouse introduces him as "son."
Story 2: While I do not have personal experience, I am in Law School and taking a class called Children and the Law which briefly touched on adoption. OP NEEDS to contact the Guardian Ad Litem (the person who represents the child’s interests). They can take a number of positions, from Child’s express statements to Best Interest of the Child. But more importantly they are a third party who takes into account the entire situation and the judge will hold their opinion in high regard. Find out what the GAL thinks and include that in this decision.
Story 5: 100% agree with you Morgan. This isn’t a case of a friend group having to choose - this is a case of the friend who’s dating the girl deciding between his friend group and his new girlfriend. 💯 shouldn’t be the girl who wrote in’s issue !
With adoption you also have to consider what would happen if something were to happen to the mom. If step dad doesn’t adopt, father would have legal rights to child and step dad would not have any rights even though he raised the child. If step dad were to adopt he would have legal rights and be able to provide stability.
I was wondering why they didn't think about that. When my parents split my mom made sure everyone knew who'd be my legal guardian if she passed away. She hasn't passed away but she refused to leave my wellbeing up to fate. Her ex was a stranger by then and unbeknownst to me at the time, only invoked his rights to me when he wanted to spite her for leaving him. And at least he wasn't convicted of harming a child, unlike OP's situation.
Story 2 i’m a single mom who does everything by myself, so legal custody, and I gave my child my last name. It has been incredibly beneficial when traveling and doing any type of paperwork.
I raised my daughter on my own. Her father didn't mature enough to even meet her until she was 5. I never spoke poorly of him and because I wanted her to know she was loved she always received flowers "from her father" for every milestone, graduation, etc. They would come with a card that said I'm so proud of you, wish I could be there, love Dad, etc. When she was 18 she ran into him at a restaurant while he was on a date. At 20, she found out she had a 2 year old brother that her father had also abandoned. She doesn't speak to her father now and says he will never be my granddaughters' grandpa. When she realized it had always been me sending the flowers, she said she wished I hadn't made her think he cared all those years. I explained that she needed to know she was loved because it wasn't her fault he didn't care. She understands why I did it but never makes excuses for her own absent ex. I might have messed up but I did it for all the right reasons.
story 6: my grandma once told me waaaay back at the beginning of my dating escapades: if you’re thinking about breaking up with someone, you already have” this includes feeling that “but what if” yeah people can be attracted to not their SO, but full on wanting to experiment and experience something other than your SO but still claiming them as your soul mate is just trying to have your cake and eat it too op needs to decide if her relationship is worth the idea that maybe she wont get the opportunity sleep around in college the same time as all her friends, or if experiencing life and the “full college shebang” is more important to her really, no answer is wrong. but it cannot be both
Great insight. I think she's just being manipulated by the sexual propaganda being pushed to the younger generation right now through rap and college hookup culture. Messing up a relationship for sleeping around is crazy.
Story 3: My friend & his ex wife had 2 dogs while married. When they split, he gave her both dogs & moved states. A few years later, he moved back & they talked for a while so he got to see his old dogs, but they were still hers. If you went into a relationship with a dog, that's YOUR dog. If you get a pet as a couple while you're together & then split, it's gotta be one or the other. Split custody with a pet is so unnecessary for toxic broken up couples.
I reached out to my older half sibling last year because of a story on this podcast and it was the best decision I have ever made the first story made me think of it. If you are thinking of reaching out to lost family DO IT!!!
This episode really hits because I can relate to almost everything lol Story 6: you are young & are going to change sooooooo much between now-25. I was married at 18 to my h.s bf & we were both military. After I started college at 21 & started meeting new people, I developed a crush on a guy. I loved my husband, but we weren't completely compatible & I was finding what he was lacking in other people & we were starting to grow up differently so I asked for a divorce. Exposure to the outside dating world that isn't confined to your h.s & same people you've known for years is such a game changer. Don't stay in a relationship because you're afraid of being alone especially if you're under 25. There is so much to experience between 19-25 so go have your experiences because if you don't you will start resenting him & always wonder if there's someone better out there for you. You don't need to take every relationship to the soul mate/marriage level, meeting & experiencing different things, different people, different personality types is so worth it. I'm 100% not the same person I was when I was married & I have that time after divorce to just chill & meet people to thank for that. Those experiences with other people taught me a lot about myself & what I really want out of life & I wouldn't trade that for the world. My ex husband & I stayed friends for a few years, but we eventually lost contact. We agreed we were both so young & don't regret our marriage, but both knew we weren't a perfect match & are thankful we split.
There is ALWAYS going back in the adoption process. Just because you filed papers does not mean they have to sign anything. As an adult who grew up in a very similar situation and STILL has no contact with that parent...I would've been extremely angry at the parents who raised me. There are other ways to go about this, don't take away this choice or you will regret it.
This episode was a hit and miss for me. I understand that when two people have sex and conceive a child that there is responsibility, but if the man has expressed they want nothing to do with the child, I'm on the fence whether or not there should be a financial obligation and/or judgement..just like if a woman gets pregnant and wants an abortion it's her choice whether or not she wants to go through with the pregnancy and therefore raise a child. There was a story that went viral about a woman who got pregnant, the man said he wanted the child but she didn't, so when she gave birth she gave the child to the father, signed away her rights and paid child support. The father was in the comments basically calling this woman a deadbeat. If someone explicitly states they don't want to be a parent we need to take responsibility, figure out options, and move on. There can't be a double standard.
Story #5 I’m SO GLAD Morgan brought up the friend groups part in all this. How have we been friends for over a decade and now all of you are going to (even consider to) exclude me over a gf that we all just met? This is why I don’t have friends, I remove myself from stuff like this so quickly because of the undertones. I love the advice though and I wish I could have found THT and FKS sooner. 💞 It’s the only time I get advice that isn’t toxic. 😅
Came from listening on Apple podcast to comment on story 1. I was ima similar scenario, and it seems like the trigger has basically already been pulled on this situation, but the best advice I can give you is let his dad SHOW him who he is. Don’t conduct visits or phone calls. And I know you want to protect your baby, but from a 22 year old who used to be that kid, let him show your son who he really is. It’s going to hurt, you’re going to have to comfort him and see some disappointed faces and tears, but he’s never going to realize it if you keep hiding the bio dads flaws from him. I unfortunately still have my bio dad’s last name and I wish I didn’t, but when I was 15 and decided for myself that I wanted my step dad to adopt me, my bio dad refused. I wish my parents would’ve done it for me sooner honestly, I know a lot of prison will probably disagree with my take, but just keep doing what you’re doing and let your husband help. His bio dad has made it clear that your making son is not important to him. I really hope this helps. Sending love to your family 🫶
As an adoptee, I gotta tell you, you have a right to know where you come from. The long term psychological effects of not know where you came from are major. Usually BPD which is one of the hardest mental illnesses to live with. And honestly, listening to non adoptees talk about adoption or wanting to meet biological parents is really rough. Non adoptees just cannot fathom what it’s like to be in that position.
story 2 - i relate heavily to being a young child with a shit father that was very absent, yet still having that child naivety/hope for him to be The Ideal Father at some point. my mom never bad mouthed my dad in front of me and never prevented me from seeing him, she allowed the opportunity for my dad and i's relationship to blossom - it was on my dad to properly foster that relationship and he didn't, which as i grew older i realized just how much he /wasn't/ putting in the effort and i started to distance myself around early teens. i did have the opportunity to be adopted by my mom's then-husband when i was around 10/11, but we never went through with it (thank god for that now). i think if OP is wanting her son to "have opportunities due to her husband's last name", simply do a name change/hyphenate her son's name for the time being but do not go through with the complete adoption at this time, until the son can make that choice for himself. he is vocal about /not/ wanting to be officially adopted right now, and that should be respected. i would revisit the choice of adoption with the son every 5 years or so. for now, just ensure that OP's husband is properly set up as a legal guardian in case anything happens to OP.
Last story maybe she should tell the gf how much the friend group means to them all and say hey I'll never hang out with him alone I respect that boundary, but can we maybe meet and talk and figure out why you have such a problem with me? I respect your relationship I do not want to be anything but friends with Joe
Story 2: my advice is 2 fold. I don’t know my bio dad but have a chosen dad that I’m very close to. I don’t have his, my brothers, or my mom’s last name and I absolutely hate it. My father said he adopted me, but I have a feeling I’m gonna find out the hard way that it never happened officially. I’m now in a similar situation to you but my oldest child is 16. She didn’t want to be adopted when she was younger but now is looking forward to it. I think you should wait until he understands and approves, but I thinks it’s important. If anything were to happen to you and all. Sending you love! ❤
I think she should stop lying to the kid. When he asks about his dad let him call dad. If he doesn't pick up at least he sees that happening. My only memory of my dad is waiting, hoping beyond hope he will show up this time. But he didn't. At least I knew. I wouldn't want to have been lied to
Story 6: if you REALLY think bf is your soulmate, then why do you want to try other relationships? I just don’t understand why you would want to risk it if you truly believe he’s the one. I’m not trying to be judgmental, more just thinking that if you’re feeling this way about wanting to explore your options then is he really the one?
Kindly boop(or kiss, if you’re willing) Holly’s snoot for me. I just love her. I love your program, and I’m afraid I’m becoming obsessed with y’all. I’ve been bingeing your podcasts as much as possible. My faves are the Father Knows Somethings, as your dad(Hi Jerry)is so great. Love all of you, but you chose well in the boyfriend and father figure department. Really love y’all.
Story 2: my parents divorced when I was 3 and I always thought it was my mom’s fault because she never explained things to me as I was young. My dad would talk poorly about her on visitations and so I had it in my mind she was why he was gone. I had to learn on my own how terrible he was as I turned 18. This is just something that has to unfold on its own. You can’t tell someone how to feel - they make that connection on their own in time. I would just keep an open line of honest communication if he should have any questions as he gets older (+ therapy).
But were you mad at your mom til then? Thats my only concern with the idea to let them figure it out. Saying "he's at work" and making excuses for why he isn't there is making the kid idolize him. If she just said "I'm not sure why he hasn't called sweetheart, I will let you know if he does" I think that would be a better medium.
My partner did ancestry and found his dads family. He was an only child with 2 cousins. Now he has over 60 cousins and 8 half siblings. The adults tried really hard to hid this from the family but the truth prevailed 😂 I think the worse is that he wasnt the only one who grew up not knowing that part of the family 😮 so far theres 3
Story 1: this is my life. I meet my dad and his family. I don’t regret it, I gained more than I lost. Tho, he cut me off for no reason. His wife was never on board with my existence. So, I let it go and continued on with his extended family and the relationship I have with them.
Story 2: my oldest nephew (14) hasn't seen his father since he was 6 months old. No letters, calls, cards, no contact after that. My nephew has his last name. My sister passed away when nephew was 7 & my parents had to go to court to get full custody of him. 90% of his life he was raised by my parents while my sister was in & out of rehab. My dad asked nephew if he wanted to change his name to our/his mother's name & he said no. As much as nephew knows all his dads wrongs & has never had contact with him, it's the last name he was born with & feels comfortable with even if we don't. My 2nd nephew from my other sister was born with our last name. Bio dad didn't get heavily involved until he was a few years old & then when they went to court for a custody agreement bio dad told a sob story about how he was an only child & my nephew might be his only son & the judge ruled to have my nephews name legally changed to bio dad's last name when he was around 8, already in school, & already had our last name on his little league jerseys so everything had to be changed.
Story 2: The son could have the bio dad's name added as his middle name and the name of his mom. That way, he still has his dad's name and if he wants to drop it when he is 18, then he can.
Story 4. Don’t put him on birth certificate! Had my dad been involved in life by force (as he didn’t want to) my life too (like Morgan) would have been so bad. It wasn’t the best, but him being involved would have made it unbearable
Story 2: I was the child in this situation. It was a little different because my biological father died, but I was the same age this kid is when I got adopted by my dad. The best thing was my parents did for me was give age-appropriate honesty. I know, OP, you’re trying to spare your son the full truth, which you should, but saying he’s busy at work isn’t true. You’re the only biological parent he can trust-don’t take that from him. What I would recommend is a conversation that goes something like this: “I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest before but everyone, even grown ups, make mistakes, and that was mine. Your dad is not around but not necessarily because of work. He is not around because he has not been feeling well and sometimes, when you’re not feeling well, it’s hard to be around other people, even people you love. I’m sure he still loves you very, very much and misses you, and I’m sad he’s not here more often, but I’m hoping he will be if he ever gets better. But sometimes when people get this way, they don’t feel better. Your step-dad is here, he’s feeling great, and he loves you very much. Sometimes step-dads show their love by adopting their kids and sharing their name. (If this is true) Your dad knows this and is okay with you having step-dad’s name. Your dad still loves you very much & you of course will always love him. And he will always be your dad and you will always be his son. Adoption just means that you have 2 dads who love you.” Obviously this is just a suggestion-I’m not a mom, I’ve just been in the kid’s shoes-but conversations like this really helped me. Your son will probably still try to blame himself for his dad not being there-I even found ways to blame myself for my bio father dying- but that’s how kids deal with things, and it’s not you or your partner’s fault. Best thing to do with that is to always emphasize that he’s not to blame when he voices that, while also validating his other emotions (anger, sadness, etc.) You and your son were giving a hard hand in life. But it isn’t a bad one. One way or another, he has 2 parents who love him and are there for him. And if his birth dad comes around, he’ll have 3. Best of luck with everything, I hope you still find lots of joy in this harder season.💕💕💕
I agree with not lying. But even saying he isn't feeling well is a bit of a stretch too. Don't you think? Again making it seem like it's out of dad's control to see the kid or not. /:
Story 2: I grew up with a last name that I didn't want, my mum had full custody and it was up to my bio Dad to organise supervised visits, never in my 26 years has he reached out. But I was stuck with his name all through school because it still required his signature to be changed. My "step" Dad was the only Dad I ever knew and needed, and I hated that I couldn't even be connected to him by his name. The day I turned 18 I changed my last name to his. So I agree, that kid will likely have resentment if he is forced to change his last name, especially if he still idolises his Dad
Last story !!!! BREAK UP With him. What are you looking for in dating other people???? Sex with other people or partying and going to parties, loving other people? Because it’s okay to be jealous of what you lll never get to have but you don’t love him. You have love for him. If you truly love him you don’t look around for other men. You can be attracted to other people but you don’t want to be with other people when you truly love someone. If your jealous of going out and partying single people do then you can experience that together. But wanting to date someone else means you’re looking for something better and you have to be willing to let him go or let that jealousy go. You don’t get to be in the between you have to choose all your gonna do his hurt him if you truly think you love him then you let him go it’s selfish to keep him from a true love he could find if you weren’t holding him back
Story 4 - my mom got pregnant with me and twin sister the guy didn’t want to be involved so he wasn’t. We didn’t know who he was until 14yrs old he is a family friend that no one but our grandma knew he was our father. She said- women get to decide if they want baby or not and the men can’t force us to do anything but they are allowed the opportunity to not be involved because if they don’t want to be a father and you force it then it’s not a good situation to have your child seeing this person. So when he was out he was out not involved at all. When we where 2yrs old he wanted to be apart of our lives and my mom said she’d love him hat however their would be requirement. If you are wanting in you are 100% in so emotionally, physically, and financially. You can’t be here one day and disappear for a year and come back. So he decided he didn’t want to be involved because he wouldn’t commit to being our actual dad.
Story 4 - you should be able to go back and add the father to birth certificate in the future vs putting him on there and not being able to change it. Where I'm from, signing the birth certificate makes you fully legally responsible for the child. Regardless of DNA or circumstances. You are able to add on at a later time, you aren't able to take people off and the only way to erase legal obligation is to have another person adopt in their place, which can be a difficult process in itself. Also in my state, you can give baby whatever last name you want, regardless of who is on birth certificate, marital status, etc. I know it's not the case in every state, but I'd find out asap. Also, men during pregnancy vs men after a child is born can be completely different mindset. For example - I have a daughter who is 8 months old. She is the youngest of 6 children, two of which are solely my partner's. When I first became pregnant, he was not happy. We discussed no more children and I had called to set up the process to get my tubes tied. His boys are teens, he did not want to start over. We argued for a few days. I told him repeatedly that I would do this on my own, would absolve him of all responsibility including child support. He told me he could never let his child be in this world without him, so that wasn't an option and I'm forcing him to parent again. He ended up coming to terms with it faster than I thought, though he still made comments and was struggling in his mind. I ended up miscarrying that baby. It was pretty severe where I almost was admitted to the hospital due to blood loss and took days to get my strength back. That was in October of 2022. In December of 2022, I got another positive pregnancy test. We never agreed on trying, but we obviously knew it was a possibility and did nothing to prevent it. This time he made random comments in the beginning about being scared to be a father again. Fast forward to today, this little girl has him wrapped around her finger since day one. He loves her so much, he does so much for me, our relationship has never been stronger (babies usually cause more strain in a relationship). So, all of this to say that you never know how he will be once baby arrives. Most men aren't interested in pregnancies or the early baby stage. Men like Jerry and my partner are unfortunately not the majority. I wouldn't cut him out completely, I wouldn't make any major decisions before you need to. Hopefully he will step up.
story 2: as a child that was adopted, NEVER make that decision for the child. in my state, after a certain age, the child has the ability to consent to the adoption, themselves. adoption impacts your childhood yes, but there are also ramifications in adulthood. acquiring legal documents, IDs, applying to schools, applying for scholarships, and more all become more difficult after you change your last name and are adopted. for OP’s son it seems like he still loves and idolizes his father. if OP took away any recognition of him being his child, legal or otherwise, the child may resent OP for taking this action on his behalf. the son is simply too young to understand this decision and what it means, let alone the long term consequences. this decision should not be made for him, regardless of his relationship with stepdad or how it will financially help. cutting a legal tie to a parent is an extremely emotional decision for all parties and should not be done unless the child explicitly states it is okay with them.
So on the adoption one... 100% don't force it. OR if you have to hyphenate the name so he keeps his dad's name too. That way, he can have both. But as someone who was adopted by my stepdad, here is my story: I (now.36 almost 37) was in 3rd grade. I took his last name. I also do not know my bio dad. Just know he didn't want me at all and read a horrifying letter he sent my mom (I did not read this until recently, and she 100% forgot it was in my baby book). I didn't 100% know the implications of changing my birth name. But at the time, I just wanted the same last name as my 3 siblings. Fast forward to 5th grade, where I find out he isn't my bio dad and has another son who is older than me. We got to meet the older brother, and I still talk to him today. 5th grade, my mom and him separated. We moved 4 hours away to my hometown, and where my moms family lived. I went into 6th grade in a new school and had to make all new friends and was incredibly depressed because I wasn't wanted by my adopted dad. He became an alcoholic and abusive, and suddenly, I wasn't his anymore. It has left me with severe trust issues towards men and a form of ptsd from the verbal,mental, and physical abuse. After high school, I married the love of my life. I got to travel and we have a son. We divorced when my son was 3. And he died when my son was 4 (he is now 12). I still love him and have a hard time with relationships. He was my best friend. After the divorce we were best friends again, like a weight lifted. Fast forward to a year ago, I did the 23 and me and my ancestry to get some insights on my side health issues for my son. I thought I turned it off on ancestry so that no one could contact me, but I was contacted by someone I already knew. He is younger than me, but I used to hang out with his older sister and had sleepovers and everything at their house... it was super weird when he reached out. I actually was super upset. I decided not to reciprocate the conversation. Not to upset him, but because I don't want to meet my bio dad. I don't want to meet his family. I want nothing to do with them. And based on when I was a teen, he wasn't good to my "brother" either. I want nothing to do with them. Now I regret doing the 23 and me and the ancestry. I have my married name now. But go by my birth name on most platforms. Other than the older brother and my siblings from my mom, I have completely wiped out anything to do with stepdads' last name. My advice is to wait until he is older to understand everything fully. My story is unique. And I haven't seen my step-dad in since I was 15. He just cut ties all together. My older brother and I lost count on how many kids he has now...
As gut-wrenching as this situation is for a 5 year old boy I feel like there are options. I feel like having age appropriate conversations and letting children know what's going on is important. Step dad currently is only involved father and can not have guardianship rights unless son is adopted. I feel like having step dad adopt is more of a security factor for mom & stepson. I think explaining to a 5 year old, not bad mouthing dad but explaining that sometimes the people we love do bad things and that hurts. But letting hubby adopt him is not replacing his dad. It just means that he will be able to be on his insurance, and if anything were to happen to mom step-dad would be the one to take responsibility ect
Story 2: I am not sure that the "there's no going back" line of thinking is true. You can always pull something back until it's signed and stamped. Also to echo Morgan: If you are a single mom or a mom who has questionable partner, give the child your last name. It will be easier in school, travel etc, not to mention you know your child with not have the name of someone that doesn't deserve that honor.
Story 3: The boyfriend needs to talk to his ex - simple. The family is a byproduct of what his ex gf is doing and they have no direct ties in her still feeling comfortable to interact. Granted, it's great that he is able to reassure his current gf about their relationship by leaving when his ex comes over, but they need to talk. He needs to make it *clear* to his ex that she needs to a.) stop coming to to visit the dog by officially giving it to his family or b.) coordinate days/times to see the dog outside of the home. Additionally, the "pouring love out" needs to STOP. All of that is intentional and the pressure that his current gf will start to feel about making other ppl comfortable over herself will begin to grow. If he doesn't set hard boundaries in place or at the very least, move out, this relationship is on rocky grounds bc absolutely not.
I personally wish I had grown up with the same last name as everyone else in our household. My mom was a cheater but my stepdad was there when I was born and has always been there. My dad has only showed up to throw a fit but never to do his job. I wish this would’ve been taken care of. In the state of Ohio your husband is automatically listed as the father on your birth certificate and bc my parents were married I got his last name by default I think but she remarried and that just left my sister and I as outcasts in a household.
Story 4: cut the boyfriend loose. Relationship is done. Tell him has X amount of time (you decide, but keep it before 36 weeks) to decide if he wants to be a dad. Tell him that you'd rather he not be there at all than to be there solely out of grudging obligation. You've got this. You and your baby deserve someone who wants to be there. ♥️
That last story, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, because it's fertilized with bullshit..... Good luck kid. If I had a nickel for every guy who decided I was no longer enough and then wanted me back, I'd have a bag full of nickles to whack the crap outta them with. But in all seriousness, if you're looking and not trying to rekindle what you have/had, the love on your end is gone, don't waste his time with something that is inevitable on your part, which I is you leaving or cheating. Yank off the bandaid, but don't be surprised if he doesn't want anything to do with you going forward. I know I sound like a complete pessimist, but unfortunately, I've been the one that wasn't enough despite my love and devotion. I hope they've found what they thought they wanted, but stay far, far, away from me.
I would not give a young kid the choice. But also she just seems to be fishing for a new dad. His barely there dad can move to not existing without being adopted.
I think bio dads rights should be terminated, step dad can adopt when kid is ready. But for the love of god don’t lie to him. If he doesn’t want to be involved, tell the kid don’t say he’s working.
What the story about adoption would there be a way to tell the truth to a child in a way that not necessarily bad mouthing the father or is the child too young? Is there no way to explain it?
Story 2: I disagree. I was adopted by my step dad and I wish it happened sooner. As the kid grows up he will understand why his mom made the decision she did. Adoption doesn’t cut blood ties or just means the kid is legally no longer the responsibility of the bio parent. If the mom keeps the door open to the bio dad then I think he wont feel any which way about it. Hard to truly know though.
Story 5 This is not OP’s problem,it’s Joes! He needs to sort it out. What on earth makes “Faith” think she can control this established friends group. It is Joes choice on weather or not he stands up to Faith. OP needs to ignore this entitled asshole.
But the kids father has wealthy family, since he's scared of being disowned. I think the kid deserves access to that wealth and inheritance. No need to try to force contact, but take the child support that's the kids right
Story 2: I don't think adoption is the answer. But I think you gotta stop lying to your son. /: stop making his dad seem like some great guy that he isn't. You are the reason he is idolizing him. Telling him "he's at work" and only giving him glowing reviews isn't helping him accept what's to come. When he finds out it's going to blindside him. It will hit him all at once that his dad is a horrible person. Instead of slowly realizing on his own that dad isnt there for him. Itll hit him like a mack truck when hes old enough to understand. He's only 5 so I'm not saying talk shit about his dad. Its great you dont. But stop making excuses for him. That is not your job and its not doing him good. When he asks "why don't I see my dad" tell him the truth, "I'm not sure sweetie. I really don't know why." And be there to comfort him. You're going to end up with a kid who rebels against you and wants to go down the same path his dad did when he goes through his teens. Bc he will idolize him all these years, and eventually will be old enough to take off to see his dad. By the time that happens and you try to hold him back, he will call you the crazy one. I'm telling you from experience, I've seen it with my family and friends. Lying about him being a great person does nothing but make him an idol.
9:35 I don’t think ANY cheater wants to have their daughter they said they wanted aborted to show up later in life… it’s still going to prove he cheated. If anything he’ll be more scared of his wife knowing and leaving him as soon as she finds out he capable of cheating and keeping it a secret for over 20 years
In Story 3 it sounds like OP is expecting us to agree with her in principle and I just don’t. His family has every right to maintain a respectful relationship with someone who they considered family. If the ex is being really inappropriate it’s one thing but her visits and ongoing friendship with this family are not OP’s to control. If you go through life as a hammer, everything looks like a nail - to me OP sounds insecure and petty.
I have to disagree with you Morgan. When I was born everyone was telling my mom to give me her maiden name. She chose to give me his last name. It's only hurt me in life. I've gone 30 years of life with the last name attachment to a man that will never want anything to do with me and it hurts alot. I'd rather be attached name wise to the parent that chose me and didn't run.
Ask for story 3, make police reports. For harassmentIf your boyfriend And you Make it explicitly clear That you do not want her around ,except for the dog. Then you can go down to your local police station And get an harassment complaint. Keep doing it Until you can get an order of protectionOK. Doesn't sound like this girl is going anywhere
The adoption story - my son is also five but doesn’t know his bio and does not want to. My husband is who he calls dad and we have other children. We spent a weekend explaining adoption, what it means etc. he spoke to my husbands parents (his grandparents, who are my set of parents by choice / death also) my husband is adopted by his father due to similar situation and decided he wanted it. BUT he doesn’t want to change his last name because of his only other grandfather (who doesn’t speak to his son aka my son’s bio dad ) has the same last name. And while he lives far makes incredible effort to be included in ALL my children’s lives. So he has the best of both worlds in his mind 🤍
What has helped us… more than anything is simply transparency/Honesty but age appropriately. And we ALL are in therapy. Individually, some times together. But whichever appointment it is, we ensure we all see a professional weekly. We really work on understanding we can only control ourselves, our choices and our reactions to emotions (not emotion is right or wrong or good or bad) so he has a safe space to say whatever he feels especially regarding us. It’s helped tremendously. Watching movies / reading books he may be able to relate to and understand better. We drew family trees and different things to help him better understand by seeing it all in-front of him.
(Ok I know this is so much to read and I may be ranting but this is something personal and important to me obviously) so for example, my son has asked why his dad isn’t around, hasn’t seen or heard from him. Asks if specific families members don’t love him or ask why they can’t making what he considers “good “or kind” choices. And there are times where we quite literally have to say “ I don’t have an answer for that because I don’t understand myself” or tell him the person may be sick and need help because they can’t relearn to make the best choices on their own, they need to go to a place like therapy, but long term etc. but anytime we notice he’s down or feels like maybe someone doesn’t “love” him. We ask him to start counting all those that DO love and support him. All this has honestly made a tremendous change. He is five and can tell me he knows he’s nervous bc hid belly hurts and realize when his face is hot from anger or disappointment or fear. And when others let him down he will say “well I’ll just do my best and maybe they’ll copy me”
story 4 how is it sick for him to walk away but not a woman to abort adopt or use safe haven ? that’s so hypocritical . and why force someone who expressed from the beginning they didn’t want a child to pay for child ? and bringing fertility struggles into it is weird. not everyone sees fertility as a gift and if you’re desperate to get pregnant you’re not actually desperate for parenthood, you want to pass down your genetic line .
story 2 that sons gonna hate you. filing isn’t immediate , there’s still time to stop. story 4 do the paper abortion. he’s obviously society pressured to stay involved and you genuinely want this. let him go dude. it’s the right thing. and there was no reason for morgan to demonize him . we all deserve equal leniency when choosing parenthood .
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Jerry is the epitome of what a true father represents.
Compassion, attentive, empathy, genuine love and care.
Sometimes it makes me randomly tear up because he's truly the parent I've always wanted but never got.
You truly are a blessing in the world.
Story 2: there is a fine line between not speaking badly about the bio dad and lying to preserve the son's idolized view of him.
Yes! It will come back to bite her so hard. /: I know from experience. The kid will get old enough to take off on his own to see his dad. And when she doesnt want that to happen, he will rebel. He will say she's the crazy one bc all of a sudden once he has a relationship now she talks bad about it and says he's not a good person to live with etc.
Adoption is not something that should be forced on a child who is vocally saying he does not want it. He knows his dad and yes, his feelings may change as he gets older. But that's up to him and no one else. This isn't something that has to happen right now. Hopefully when they go in front of a judge and the judge asks the boy what he thinks, his feelings are heard.
I find it odd they asked a 5 year old. of course he loves his daddy. And I can only imagine OP said so blank will be your new daddy. no kid will say yes to that. But honestly OP doesn't really give the best argument for allowing her husband to adopt OP. Adoption is forever. If they get divorced that does not change.
@@ADWebTV kids should be asked, and age can be taken into account. This is his entire future in question. They are literally trying to change who his daddy is. There is no urgent need to push forward with this before he is old enough to comprehend the consequences of either decision.
@@taylorpnw612 Kids have parents, I'm not saying kids should never be asked but I this situation the kid doesn't truly understand their bio dad lack of ability to be a good father. Therefore not understanding their bio dad will always bring their bio dad regardless of being adopted. If mom does is bio dad a suitable parent to be sent to live with. People often just think it's the kid taking their last name and even how OP presented it is to me not a reason to do it. But bio dad should be not whom the kid goes to if she passes and she does need to make formal steps for that possibility. Most kids are give a choice as they get older because they have better understanding about things.
@@ADWebTV they are given a choices they get older because they have a better understanding of things. Correct, and the rest of your comment honestly is irrelevant because we're not arguing different points here. This is permanent and does not need to happen, nor should it happen, until the child is old enough to understand and give input into his own life. This is a big deal and it's permanent and the stepdad is not really his parent at this point in time. His mom is, and she's very hesitant. You should be 100% sure of such a big thing. If the kid doesn't even see him as a parent, forcing the issue will not help. They need to just slow down and wait. There are other ways to ensure the boy doesn't go with his dad. Custody doesn't just default to the other parent no matter what, especially when they're a convicted criminal who's only allowed supervised visitations.
Adoption right this moment is not the answer here and I think we both agree on that..
On story 2, I would start by taking the boy to therapy. My niece was taken from her mom the LAST time at around age 8, after having been take for short periods several times before that due to her mom’s drug use and neglect. Obviously there’s a lot more trauma involved in my niece’s case, but your son is obviously struggling with separation from dad and holding onto something that’s not reality anymore, except for now. Maybe don’t force adoption on him just yet but definitely find a good therapist that can help him process these feelings and in an age-appropriate way help him open his eyes to the situation and what ways adoption by stepdad can benefit him and mom. Just because stepdad is adopting you doesn’t mean bio dad is gone forever.
Through 23 and me I found out I have 5 half siblings!!! I was conceived through a one night stand 30 years ago and back in February I was contacted by my half brother. We are doing a road trip to meet them in less than a week!! However I chose not to meet my bio father because he was and still is not a good guy.
Oh boy...
Here we go: My parents got divorced when I was an infant. My Bio dad went straight out to sail around the world, and what he experienced made him an alcoholic.
They divorced because he kept cheating, as well as never coming home for the important stuff.
My mom found a new man soon after, which was not easy with three kids. He is my hero and the one I call dad. He was the one who picked me up from school when I got bullied and helped pay for us to have a loving home.
My bio dad never really tried having a relationship with us, before I turned 10. That was because he had a girlfriend who kind of made him try. This resulted in a dad who was there, and not there. He made promises, and barely kept them. My most horrible memory was when I was 12. He promised to pick me up at 10am, and then we would spend a day together. He didn't come. I called him, and he gave an excuse about being late. Noon arrived. I call him. A new excuse about being late. 2pm. Rinse and repeat, until 10pm
I could hear him become more drunk as the hours went by. At 10pm, I told him not to bother. It was too late, and I knew he didn't choose me. Then I hung up and went to my mom's bedroom. I cried and she sighed deeply. (my step-dad works at an off-shore firm as well, and keeps people safe at oil rigs. So he wasn't home)
My mom never once spoke down about him in our childhood. She only said: don't get your hopes up about him. Just be happy if he comes.
This small sentence helped, as it was not a lie on my bio-dads behalf. Also made it so I do not resent my mother for trying to 'glamour' him and lying to me as a child.
I did get a relationship with my bio-dad as a grown up. I loved him, but more like a fun uncle. But back in 2017, I asked my step-dad if he wanted to adopt my siblings and I, who all loves him like our dad. This was a blow to my bio-dad, but he accepted it. Not that he could do anything about is, as we were all adults at the time of this happening. This was something we did of our choice.
My bio-dad died here in february. His lifestyle having caught up to him. I miss him. I grieve him. I did love him... But I don't see him as my dad.
lol when you mentioned the “everyone whose driving, safe driving, no road rage”… I listen to your podcasts (FKS and THT) to keep me calm and prevent me road raging and it helps so much 😂
Love you guys! Come to North Carolina soon!
Story 2:
I have that bio dad, and an amazing stepdad (I was 5 when my mom married him). I'm 31 now, married, with kids of my own. I always knew that my stepdad, aka "Dad," would be honored if I said I wanted to change my name...but my maiden name was my link not just to bio-Dad, but to his whole family, and it was the only "me" I'd ever known. I think I would have really resented my mom and Dad if they'd changed MY name against my wishes. Stepdad was at all my events, a lot of my friends didn't know he wasn't my bio-Dad for months/years (because it wasn't something I ever thought to bring up), he helped put me through college (with my paternal grandmother, mom, and myself), and he walked me down the aisle at my wedding. Making the surname the point of contention isn't going to be good.
Advice to the mom -- have your husband sit your son down and tell him how loved he is. That he can have whoever's name, but that stepdad will always put him first and consider him a son. Let your son make decisions about his own identity. The doors will still open around town if your spouse introduces him as "son."
Something about watching/listening to Jerry is comforting
I just finished scrubbing my bathroom and then I heard Jerry say ‘I hope your house is all done’ and jumped because HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?😂😂😂😂😂
Story 2: While I do not have personal experience, I am in Law School and taking a class called Children and the Law which briefly touched on adoption. OP NEEDS to contact the Guardian Ad Litem (the person who represents the child’s interests). They can take a number of positions, from Child’s express statements to Best Interest of the Child. But more importantly they are a third party who takes into account the entire situation and the judge will hold their opinion in high regard. Find out what the GAL thinks and include that in this decision.
Story 5: 100% agree with you Morgan. This isn’t a case of a friend group having to choose - this is a case of the friend who’s dating the girl deciding between his friend group and his new girlfriend. 💯 shouldn’t be the girl who wrote in’s issue !
With adoption you also have to consider what would happen if something were to happen to the mom. If step dad doesn’t adopt, father would have legal rights to child and step dad would not have any rights even though he raised the child. If step dad were to adopt he would have legal rights and be able to provide stability.
I was wondering why they didn't think about that. When my parents split my mom made sure everyone knew who'd be my legal guardian if she passed away. She hasn't passed away but she refused to leave my wellbeing up to fate. Her ex was a stranger by then and unbeknownst to me at the time, only invoked his rights to me when he wanted to spite her for leaving him. And at least he wasn't convicted of harming a child, unlike OP's situation.
Story 2 i’m a single mom who does everything by myself, so legal custody, and I gave my child my last name. It has been incredibly beneficial when traveling and doing any type of paperwork.
I raised my daughter on my own. Her father didn't mature enough to even meet her until she was 5. I never spoke poorly of him and because I wanted her to know she was loved she always received flowers "from her father" for every milestone, graduation, etc. They would come with a card that said I'm so proud of you, wish I could be there, love Dad, etc. When she was 18 she ran into him at a restaurant while he was on a date. At 20, she found out she had a 2 year old brother that her father had also abandoned. She doesn't speak to her father now and says he will never be my granddaughters' grandpa. When she realized it had always been me sending the flowers, she said she wished I hadn't made her think he cared all those years. I explained that she needed to know she was loved because it wasn't her fault he didn't care. She understands why I did it but never makes excuses for her own absent ex. I might have messed up but I did it for all the right reasons.
story 6: my grandma once told me waaaay back at the beginning of my dating escapades: if you’re thinking about breaking up with someone, you already have”
this includes feeling that “but what if”
yeah people can be attracted to not their SO, but full on wanting to experiment and experience something other than your SO but still claiming them as your soul mate is just trying to have your cake and eat it too
op needs to decide if her relationship is worth the idea that maybe she wont get the opportunity sleep around in college the same time as all her friends, or if experiencing life and the “full college shebang” is more important to her
really, no answer is wrong. but it cannot be both
Great insight. I think she's just being manipulated by the sexual propaganda being pushed to the younger generation right now through rap and college hookup culture.
Messing up a relationship for sleeping around is crazy.
Story 3: My friend & his ex wife had 2 dogs while married. When they split, he gave her both dogs & moved states. A few years later, he moved back & they talked for a while so he got to see his old dogs, but they were still hers.
If you went into a relationship with a dog, that's YOUR dog. If you get a pet as a couple while you're together & then split, it's gotta be one or the other. Split custody with a pet is so unnecessary for toxic broken up couples.
I reached out to my older half sibling last year because of a story on this podcast and it was the best decision I have ever made the first story made me think of it. If you are thinking of reaching out to lost family DO IT!!!
This episode really hits because I can relate to almost everything lol
Story 6: you are young & are going to change sooooooo much between now-25. I was married at 18 to my h.s bf & we were both military. After I started college at 21 & started meeting new people, I developed a crush on a guy. I loved my husband, but we weren't completely compatible & I was finding what he was lacking in other people & we were starting to grow up differently so I asked for a divorce. Exposure to the outside dating world that isn't confined to your h.s & same people you've known for years is such a game changer.
Don't stay in a relationship because you're afraid of being alone especially if you're under 25. There is so much to experience between 19-25 so go have your experiences because if you don't you will start resenting him & always wonder if there's someone better out there for you. You don't need to take every relationship to the soul mate/marriage level, meeting & experiencing different things, different people, different personality types is so worth it. I'm 100% not the same person I was when I was married & I have that time after divorce to just chill & meet people to thank for that. Those experiences with other people taught me a lot about myself & what I really want out of life & I wouldn't trade that for the world. My ex husband & I stayed friends for a few years, but we eventually lost contact. We agreed we were both so young & don't regret our marriage, but both knew we weren't a perfect match & are thankful we split.
There is ALWAYS going back in the adoption process. Just because you filed papers does not mean they have to sign anything. As an adult who grew up in a very similar situation and STILL has no contact with that parent...I would've been extremely angry at the parents who raised me. There are other ways to go about this, don't take away this choice or you will regret it.
This episode was a hit and miss for me.
I understand that when two people have sex and conceive a child that there is responsibility, but if the man has expressed they want nothing to do with the child, I'm on the fence whether or not there should be a financial obligation and/or judgement..just like if a woman gets pregnant and wants an abortion it's her choice whether or not she wants to go through with the pregnancy and therefore raise a child. There was a story that went viral about a woman who got pregnant, the man said he wanted the child but she didn't, so when she gave birth she gave the child to the father, signed away her rights and paid child support. The father was in the comments basically calling this woman a deadbeat. If someone explicitly states they don't want to be a parent we need to take responsibility, figure out options, and move on. There can't be a double standard.
Story #5 I’m SO GLAD Morgan brought up the friend groups part in all this. How have we been friends for over a decade and now all of you are going to (even consider to) exclude me over a gf that we all just met? This is why I don’t have friends, I remove myself from stuff like this so quickly because of the undertones. I love the advice though and I wish I could have found THT and FKS sooner. 💞 It’s the only time I get advice that isn’t toxic. 😅
1:02:10 i make dinner while listening. Love your content and cant wait for next week❤
yay i can hang out with my dad and sisters while i paint folksy flowers over my sink ! i am going to send in my story this week i think!
Story 4: Don't put his name on the birth certificate. Don't tell him any of this, though.
Came from listening on Apple podcast to comment on story 1. I was ima similar scenario, and it seems like the trigger has basically already been pulled on this situation, but the best advice I can give you is let his dad SHOW him who he is. Don’t conduct visits or phone calls. And I know you want to protect your baby, but from a 22 year old who used to be that kid, let him show your son who he really is. It’s going to hurt, you’re going to have to comfort him and see some disappointed faces and tears, but he’s never going to realize it if you keep hiding the bio dads flaws from him. I unfortunately still have my bio dad’s last name and I wish I didn’t, but when I was 15 and decided for myself that I wanted my step dad to adopt me, my bio dad refused. I wish my parents would’ve done it for me sooner honestly, I know a lot of prison will probably disagree with my take, but just keep doing what you’re doing and let your husband help. His bio dad has made it clear that your making son is not important to him. I really hope this helps. Sending love to your family 🫶
As an adoptee, I gotta tell you, you have a right to know where you come from. The long term psychological effects of not know where you came from are major. Usually BPD which is one of the hardest mental illnesses to live with. And honestly, listening to non adoptees talk about adoption or wanting to meet biological parents is really rough. Non adoptees just cannot fathom what it’s like to be in that position.
story 2 - i relate heavily to being a young child with a shit father that was very absent, yet still having that child naivety/hope for him to be The Ideal Father at some point. my mom never bad mouthed my dad in front of me and never prevented me from seeing him, she allowed the opportunity for my dad and i's relationship to blossom - it was on my dad to properly foster that relationship and he didn't, which as i grew older i realized just how much he /wasn't/ putting in the effort and i started to distance myself around early teens.
i did have the opportunity to be adopted by my mom's then-husband when i was around 10/11, but we never went through with it (thank god for that now). i think if OP is wanting her son to "have opportunities due to her husband's last name", simply do a name change/hyphenate her son's name for the time being but do not go through with the complete adoption at this time, until the son can make that choice for himself. he is vocal about /not/ wanting to be officially adopted right now, and that should be respected. i would revisit the choice of adoption with the son every 5 years or so. for now, just ensure that OP's husband is properly set up as a legal guardian in case anything happens to OP.
The last story: that boy isn’t your soulmate. If he were you wouldn’t be crushing on other dudes.
Last story maybe she should tell the gf how much the friend group means to them all and say hey I'll never hang out with him alone I respect that boundary, but can we maybe meet and talk and figure out why you have such a problem with me? I respect your relationship I do not want to be anything but friends with Joe
Heck yes baking and podcast!!!
Story 2: my advice is 2 fold. I don’t know my bio dad but have a chosen dad that I’m very close to. I don’t have his, my brothers, or my mom’s last name and I absolutely hate it. My father said he adopted me, but I have a feeling I’m gonna find out the hard way that it never happened officially.
I’m now in a similar situation to you but my oldest child is 16. She didn’t want to be adopted when she was younger but now is looking forward to it. I think you should wait until he understands and approves, but I thinks it’s important. If anything were to happen to you and all. Sending you love! ❤
I think she should stop lying to the kid. When he asks about his dad let him call dad. If he doesn't pick up at least he sees that happening. My only memory of my dad is waiting, hoping beyond hope he will show up this time. But he didn't. At least I knew. I wouldn't want to have been lied to
Story 6: if you REALLY think bf is your soulmate, then why do you want to try other relationships? I just don’t understand why you would want to risk it if you truly believe he’s the one. I’m not trying to be judgmental, more just thinking that if you’re feeling this way about wanting to explore your options then is he really the one?
Kindly boop(or kiss, if you’re willing) Holly’s snoot for me. I just love her. I love your program, and I’m afraid I’m becoming obsessed with y’all. I’ve been bingeing your podcasts as much as possible. My faves are the Father Knows Somethings, as your dad(Hi Jerry)is so great. Love all of you, but you chose well in the boyfriend and father figure department. Really love y’all.
Story 2: my parents divorced when I was 3 and I always thought it was my mom’s fault because she never explained things to me as I was young. My dad would talk poorly about her on visitations and so I had it in my mind she was why he was gone. I had to learn on my own how terrible he was as I turned 18. This is just something that has to unfold on its own. You can’t tell someone how to feel - they make that connection on their own in time. I would just keep an open line of honest communication if he should have any questions as he gets older (+ therapy).
But were you mad at your mom til then? Thats my only concern with the idea to let them figure it out. Saying "he's at work" and making excuses for why he isn't there is making the kid idolize him. If she just said "I'm not sure why he hasn't called sweetheart, I will let you know if he does" I think that would be a better medium.
Excellent episode. I really enjoyed this one! ❤
Thank you for making my days 🫶🏼
My partner did ancestry and found his dads family. He was an only child with 2 cousins. Now he has over 60 cousins and 8 half siblings. The adults tried really hard to hid this from the family but the truth prevailed 😂
I think the worse is that he wasnt the only one who grew up not knowing that part of the family 😮 so far theres 3
If your thinking of other people.YOUR NOT WITH YOUR SOULMATE.... Seriously...thats not how it works😂
Story 1: this is my life. I meet my dad and his family. I don’t regret it, I gained more than I lost. Tho, he cut me off for no reason. His wife was never on board with my existence. So, I let it go and continued on with his extended family and the relationship I have with them.
Story 2: my oldest nephew (14) hasn't seen his father since he was 6 months old. No letters, calls, cards, no contact after that. My nephew has his last name. My sister passed away when nephew was 7 & my parents had to go to court to get full custody of him. 90% of his life he was raised by my parents while my sister was in & out of rehab. My dad asked nephew if he wanted to change his name to our/his mother's name & he said no. As much as nephew knows all his dads wrongs & has never had contact with him, it's the last name he was born with & feels comfortable with even if we don't.
My 2nd nephew from my other sister was born with our last name. Bio dad didn't get heavily involved until he was a few years old & then when they went to court for a custody agreement bio dad told a sob story about how he was an only child & my nephew might be his only son & the judge ruled to have my nephews name legally changed to bio dad's last name when he was around 8, already in school, & already had our last name on his little league jerseys so everything had to be changed.
Story 2: The son could have the bio dad's name added as his middle name and the name of his mom. That way, he still has his dad's name and if he wants to drop it when he is 18, then he can.
Why if there a need to honor both parents when one of them has made it abundantly clear they're not interested in being a part of this child's life?
story 5: I feel like something the friend/bf is doing is making the gf feel insecure in their relationship. he must’ve said or done something writd
Story 4. Don’t put him on birth certificate! Had my dad been involved in life by force (as he didn’t want to) my life too (like Morgan) would have been so bad. It wasn’t the best, but him being involved would have made it unbearable
Story 2: I was the child in this situation. It was a little different because my biological father died, but I was the same age this kid is when I got adopted by my dad. The best thing was my parents did for me was give age-appropriate honesty. I know, OP, you’re trying to spare your son the full truth, which you should, but saying he’s busy at work isn’t true. You’re the only biological parent he can trust-don’t take that from him. What I would recommend is a conversation that goes something like this: “I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest before but everyone, even grown ups, make mistakes, and that was mine. Your dad is not around but not necessarily because of work. He is not around because he has not been feeling well and sometimes, when you’re not feeling well, it’s hard to be around other people, even people you love. I’m sure he still loves you very, very much and misses you, and I’m sad he’s not here more often, but I’m hoping he will be if he ever gets better. But sometimes when people get this way, they don’t feel better.
Your step-dad is here, he’s feeling great, and he loves you very much. Sometimes step-dads show their love by adopting their kids and sharing their name. (If this is true) Your dad knows this and is okay with you having step-dad’s name. Your dad still loves you very much & you of course will always love him. And he will always be your dad and you will always be his son. Adoption just means that you have 2 dads who love you.”
Obviously this is just a suggestion-I’m not a mom, I’ve just been in the kid’s shoes-but conversations like this really helped me. Your son will probably still try to blame himself for his dad not being there-I even found ways to blame myself for my bio father dying- but that’s how kids deal with things, and it’s not you or your partner’s fault. Best thing to do with that is to always emphasize that he’s not to blame when he voices that, while also validating his other emotions (anger, sadness, etc.)
You and your son were giving a hard hand in life. But it isn’t a bad one. One way or another, he has 2 parents who love him and are there for him. And if his birth dad comes around, he’ll have 3. Best of luck with everything, I hope you still find lots of joy in this harder season.💕💕💕
I agree with not lying. But even saying he isn't feeling well is a bit of a stretch too. Don't you think? Again making it seem like it's out of dad's control to see the kid or not. /:
12 min a ago this is a record for me haha and I’m on lunch break @ school rn
Story 2: I grew up with a last name that I didn't want, my mum had full custody and it was up to my bio Dad to organise supervised visits, never in my 26 years has he reached out. But I was stuck with his name all through school because it still required his signature to be changed. My "step" Dad was the only Dad I ever knew and needed, and I hated that I couldn't even be connected to him by his name. The day I turned 18 I changed my last name to his.
So I agree, that kid will likely have resentment if he is forced to change his last name, especially if he still idolises his Dad
That's quite literally what she was saying
Last story !!!! BREAK UP With him. What are you looking for in dating other people???? Sex with other people or partying and going to parties, loving other people? Because it’s okay to be jealous of what you lll never get to have but you don’t love him. You have love for him. If you truly love him you don’t look around for other men. You can be attracted to other people but you don’t want to be with other people when you truly love someone. If your jealous of going out and partying single people do then you can experience that together. But wanting to date someone else means you’re looking for something better and you have to be willing to let him go or let that jealousy go. You don’t get to be in the between you have to choose all your gonna do his hurt him if you truly think you love him then you let him go it’s selfish to keep him from a true love he could find if you weren’t holding him back
Story 4 - my mom got pregnant with me and twin sister the guy didn’t want to be involved so he wasn’t. We didn’t know who he was until 14yrs old he is a family friend that no one but our grandma knew he was our father.
She said- women get to decide if they want baby or not and the men can’t force us to do anything but they are allowed the opportunity to not be involved because if they don’t want to be a father and you force it then it’s not a good situation to have your child seeing this person. So when he was out he was out not involved at all.
When we where 2yrs old he wanted to be apart of our lives and my mom said she’d love him hat however their would be requirement. If you are wanting in you are 100% in so emotionally, physically, and financially. You can’t be here one day and disappear for a year and come back. So he decided he didn’t want to be involved because he wouldn’t commit to being our actual dad.
She thinks her bc is gonna be upset if she dates other people while they stay together. Yea you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Story 4 - you should be able to go back and add the father to birth certificate in the future vs putting him on there and not being able to change it. Where I'm from, signing the birth certificate makes you fully legally responsible for the child. Regardless of DNA or circumstances. You are able to add on at a later time, you aren't able to take people off and the only way to erase legal obligation is to have another person adopt in their place, which can be a difficult process in itself.
Also in my state, you can give baby whatever last name you want, regardless of who is on birth certificate, marital status, etc. I know it's not the case in every state, but I'd find out asap.
Also, men during pregnancy vs men after a child is born can be completely different mindset. For example - I have a daughter who is 8 months old. She is the youngest of 6 children, two of which are solely my partner's. When I first became pregnant, he was not happy. We discussed no more children and I had called to set up the process to get my tubes tied. His boys are teens, he did not want to start over. We argued for a few days. I told him repeatedly that I would do this on my own, would absolve him of all responsibility including child support. He told me he could never let his child be in this world without him, so that wasn't an option and I'm forcing him to parent again. He ended up coming to terms with it faster than I thought, though he still made comments and was struggling in his mind. I ended up miscarrying that baby. It was pretty severe where I almost was admitted to the hospital due to blood loss and took days to get my strength back. That was in October of 2022. In December of 2022, I got another positive pregnancy test. We never agreed on trying, but we obviously knew it was a possibility and did nothing to prevent it. This time he made random comments in the beginning about being scared to be a father again. Fast forward to today, this little girl has him wrapped around her finger since day one. He loves her so much, he does so much for me, our relationship has never been stronger (babies usually cause more strain in a relationship). So, all of this to say that you never know how he will be once baby arrives. Most men aren't interested in pregnancies or the early baby stage. Men like Jerry and my partner are unfortunately not the majority.
I wouldn't cut him out completely, I wouldn't make any major decisions before you need to. Hopefully he will step up.
story 2: as a child that was adopted, NEVER make that decision for the child. in my state, after a certain age, the child has the ability to consent to the adoption, themselves. adoption impacts your childhood yes, but there are also ramifications in adulthood. acquiring legal documents, IDs, applying to schools, applying for scholarships, and more all become more difficult after you change your last name and are adopted. for OP’s son it seems like he still loves and idolizes his father. if OP took away any recognition of him being his child, legal or otherwise, the child may resent OP for taking this action on his behalf. the son is simply too young to understand this decision and what it means, let alone the long term consequences. this decision should not be made for him, regardless of his relationship with stepdad or how it will financially help. cutting a legal tie to a parent is an extremely emotional decision for all parties and should not be done unless the child explicitly states it is okay with them.
So on the adoption one... 100% don't force it. OR if you have to hyphenate the name so he keeps his dad's name too. That way, he can have both. But as someone who was adopted by my stepdad, here is my story:
I (now.36 almost 37) was in 3rd grade. I took his last name. I also do not know my bio dad. Just know he didn't want me at all and read a horrifying letter he sent my mom (I did not read this until recently, and she 100% forgot it was in my baby book). I didn't 100% know the implications of changing my birth name. But at the time, I just wanted the same last name as my 3 siblings. Fast forward to 5th grade, where I find out he isn't my bio dad and has another son who is older than me. We got to meet the older brother, and I still talk to him today. 5th grade, my mom and him separated. We moved 4 hours away to my hometown, and where my moms family lived. I went into 6th grade in a new school and had to make all new friends and was incredibly depressed because I wasn't wanted by my adopted dad. He became an alcoholic and abusive, and suddenly, I wasn't his anymore. It has left me with severe trust issues towards men and a form of ptsd from the verbal,mental, and physical abuse.
After high school, I married the love of my life. I got to travel and we have a son. We divorced when my son was 3. And he died when my son was 4 (he is now 12). I still love him and have a hard time with relationships. He was my best friend. After the divorce we were best friends again, like a weight lifted.
Fast forward to a year ago, I did the 23 and me and my ancestry to get some insights on my side health issues for my son. I thought I turned it off on ancestry so that no one could contact me, but I was contacted by someone I already knew. He is younger than me, but I used to hang out with his older sister and had sleepovers and everything at their house... it was super weird when he reached out. I actually was super upset. I decided not to reciprocate the conversation. Not to upset him, but because I don't want to meet my bio dad. I don't want to meet his family. I want nothing to do with them. And based on when I was a teen, he wasn't good to my "brother" either. I want nothing to do with them. Now I regret doing the 23 and me and the ancestry.
I have my married name now. But go by my birth name on most platforms. Other than the older brother and my siblings from my mom, I have completely wiped out anything to do with stepdads' last name. My advice is to wait until he is older to understand everything fully.
My story is unique. And I haven't seen my step-dad in since I was 15. He just cut ties all together. My older brother and I lost count on how many kids he has now...
I agree with what Morgan said. I grew up without my bio dad being present. However, I have his last name. I WISH my mom would’ve just gave me hers!
As gut-wrenching as this situation is for a 5 year old boy I feel like there are options. I feel like having age appropriate conversations and letting children know what's going on is important. Step dad currently is only involved father and can not have guardianship rights unless son is adopted. I feel like having step dad adopt is more of a security factor for mom & stepson. I think explaining to a 5 year old, not bad mouthing dad but explaining that sometimes the people we love do bad things and that hurts. But letting hubby adopt him is not replacing his dad. It just means that he will be able to be on his insurance, and if anything were to happen to mom step-dad would be the one to take responsibility ect
Story 2: I am not sure that the "there's no going back" line of thinking is true. You can always pull something back until it's signed and stamped.
Also to echo Morgan: If you are a single mom or a mom who has questionable partner, give the child your last name. It will be easier in school, travel etc, not to mention you know your child with not have the name of someone that doesn't deserve that honor.
Story 3: The boyfriend needs to talk to his ex - simple. The family is a byproduct of what his ex gf is doing and they have no direct ties in her still feeling comfortable to interact. Granted, it's great that he is able to reassure his current gf about their relationship by leaving when his ex comes over, but they need to talk. He needs to make it *clear* to his ex that she needs to a.) stop coming to to visit the dog by officially giving it to his family or b.) coordinate days/times to see the dog outside of the home. Additionally, the "pouring love out" needs to STOP. All of that is intentional and the pressure that his current gf will start to feel about making other ppl comfortable over herself will begin to grow. If he doesn't set hard boundaries in place or at the very least, move out, this relationship is on rocky grounds bc absolutely not.
The child support bit got me, I receive a grand total of…..$47 a month for my son 😂 and that’s if he pays it
My sister literally got checks for 65cents, CENTS, because nephew was on his dad's expensive private insurance with his new step mom & half sister☠️
I personally wish I had grown up with the same last name as everyone else in our household. My mom was a cheater but my stepdad was there when I was born and has always been there. My dad has only showed up to throw a fit but never to do his job. I wish this would’ve been taken care of. In the state of Ohio your husband is automatically listed as the father on your birth certificate and bc my parents were married I got his last name by default I think but she remarried and that just left my sister and I as outcasts in a household.
Story 4: cut the boyfriend loose. Relationship is done. Tell him has X amount of time (you decide, but keep it before 36 weeks) to decide if he wants to be a dad. Tell him that you'd rather he not be there at all than to be there solely out of grudging obligation. You've got this. You and your baby deserve someone who wants to be there. ♥️
That last story, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, because it's fertilized with bullshit..... Good luck kid. If I had a nickel for every guy who decided I was no longer enough and then wanted me back, I'd have a bag full of nickles to whack the crap outta them with. But in all seriousness, if you're looking and not trying to rekindle what you have/had, the love on your end is gone, don't waste his time with something that is inevitable on your part, which I is you leaving or cheating. Yank off the bandaid, but don't be surprised if he doesn't want anything to do with you going forward. I know I sound like a complete pessimist, but unfortunately, I've been the one that wasn't enough despite my love and devotion. I hope they've found what they thought they wanted, but stay far, far, away from me.
I would not give a young kid the choice. But also she just seems to be fishing for a new dad. His barely there dad can move to not existing without being adopted.
I think bio dads rights should be terminated, step dad can adopt when kid is ready. But for the love of god don’t lie to him. If he doesn’t want to be involved, tell the kid don’t say he’s working.
❤️❤️❤️
Story 4 don't let him near that kid
What the story about adoption would there be a way to tell the truth to a child in a way that not necessarily bad mouthing the father or is the child too young? Is there no way to explain it?
Story 2: I disagree. I was adopted by my step dad and I wish it happened sooner. As the kid grows up he will understand why his mom made the decision she did. Adoption doesn’t cut blood ties or just means the kid is legally no longer the responsibility of the bio parent. If the mom keeps the door open to the bio dad then I think he wont feel any which way about it. Hard to truly know though.
Both my kids have my last name. It does make things a lot easier
Yeaaaaaa
❤
Story 5 This is not OP’s problem,it’s Joes! He needs to sort it out. What on earth makes “Faith” think she can control this established friends group. It is Joes choice on weather or not he stands up to Faith. OP needs to ignore this entitled asshole.
But the kids father has wealthy family, since he's scared of being disowned. I think the kid deserves access to that wealth and inheritance. No need to try to force contact, but take the child support that's the kids right
Ayeeee
I don’t do ex’s as friends, go be friends with you ex and I’ll find a partner who doesn’t meddle in the past
WOOHOOOOO 2nddddd!!
Story 2: I don't think adoption is the answer. But I think you gotta stop lying to your son. /: stop making his dad seem like some great guy that he isn't. You are the reason he is idolizing him. Telling him "he's at work" and only giving him glowing reviews isn't helping him accept what's to come. When he finds out it's going to blindside him. It will hit him all at once that his dad is a horrible person. Instead of slowly realizing on his own that dad isnt there for him. Itll hit him like a mack truck when hes old enough to understand. He's only 5 so I'm not saying talk shit about his dad. Its great you dont. But stop making excuses for him. That is not your job and its not doing him good. When he asks "why don't I see my dad" tell him the truth, "I'm not sure sweetie. I really don't know why." And be there to comfort him. You're going to end up with a kid who rebels against you and wants to go down the same path his dad did when he goes through his teens. Bc he will idolize him all these years, and eventually will be old enough to take off to see his dad. By the time that happens and you try to hold him back, he will call you the crazy one. I'm telling you from experience, I've seen it with my family and friends. Lying about him being a great person does nothing but make him an idol.
9:35 I don’t think ANY cheater wants to have their daughter they said they wanted aborted to show up later in life… it’s still going to prove he cheated. If anything he’ll be more scared of his wife knowing and leaving him as soon as she finds out he capable of cheating and keeping it a secret for over 20 years
In Story 3 it sounds like OP is expecting us to agree with her in principle and I just don’t. His family has every right to maintain a respectful relationship with someone who they considered family. If the ex is being really inappropriate it’s one thing but her visits and ongoing friendship with this family are not OP’s to control. If you go through life as a hammer, everything looks like a nail - to me OP sounds insecure and petty.
Oopphhh im early
FIRST
I believe you can withdraw a petition for adoption, and you should...let him decide...hes going to resent you...
I have to disagree with you Morgan.
When I was born everyone was telling my mom to give me her maiden name. She chose to give me his last name. It's only hurt me in life. I've gone 30 years of life with the last name attachment to a man that will never want anything to do with me and it hurts alot. I'd rather be attached name wise to the parent that chose me and didn't run.
I’m confused.. I said literally don’t give the baby his last name
Ask for story 3, make police reports. For harassmentIf your boyfriend And you Make it explicitly clear That you do not want her around ,except for the dog. Then you can go down to your local police station And get an harassment complaint. Keep doing it Until you can get an order of protectionOK. Doesn't sound like this girl is going anywhere
The adoption story - my son is also five but doesn’t know his bio and does not want to. My husband is who he calls dad and we have other children. We spent a weekend explaining adoption, what it means etc. he spoke to my husbands parents (his grandparents, who are my set of parents by choice / death also) my husband is adopted by his father due to similar situation and decided he wanted it. BUT he doesn’t want to change his last name because of his only other grandfather (who doesn’t speak to his son aka my son’s bio dad ) has the same last name. And while he lives far makes incredible effort to be included in ALL my children’s lives. So he has the best of both worlds in his mind 🤍
What has helped us… more than anything is simply transparency/Honesty but age appropriately. And we ALL are in therapy. Individually, some times together. But whichever appointment it is, we ensure we all see a professional weekly. We really work on understanding we can only control ourselves, our choices and our reactions to emotions (not emotion is right or wrong or good or bad) so he has a safe space to say whatever he feels especially regarding us. It’s helped tremendously. Watching movies / reading books he may be able to relate to and understand better. We drew family trees and different things to help him better understand by seeing it all in-front of him.
(Ok I know this is so much to read and I may be ranting but this is something personal and important to me obviously) so for example, my son has asked why his dad isn’t around, hasn’t seen or heard from him. Asks if specific families members don’t love him or ask why they can’t making what he considers “good “or kind” choices. And there are times where we quite literally have to say “ I don’t have an answer for that because I don’t understand myself” or tell him the person may be sick and need help because they can’t relearn to make the best choices on their own, they need to go to a place like therapy, but long term etc. but anytime we notice he’s down or feels like maybe someone doesn’t “love” him. We ask him to start counting all those that DO love and support him.
All this has honestly made a tremendous change. He is five and can tell me he knows he’s nervous bc hid belly hurts and realize when his face is hot from anger or disappointment or fear. And when others let him down he will say “well I’ll just do my best and maybe they’ll copy me”
story 4 how is it sick for him to walk away but not a woman to abort adopt or use safe haven ? that’s so hypocritical . and why force someone who expressed from the beginning they didn’t want a child to pay for child ? and bringing fertility struggles into it is weird. not everyone sees fertility as a gift and if you’re desperate to get pregnant you’re not actually desperate for parenthood, you want to pass down your genetic line .
story 2 that sons gonna hate you. filing isn’t immediate , there’s still time to stop.
story 4 do the paper abortion. he’s obviously society pressured to stay involved and you genuinely want this. let him go dude. it’s the right thing. and there was no reason for morgan to demonize him . we all deserve equal leniency when choosing parenthood .