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Toxic Coworkers? 4 Simple Steps to Create Protective Boundaries + Thrive - Terri Cole
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- Опубликовано: 14 авг 2024
- Do you work in a toxic work environment? Do you work with a toxic co-worker or perhaps you are suffering under a toxic boss?
Also if you work in an office filled with drama, even if you’re not directly in a war with someone, the negativity still impacts you.
And maybe it’s not all that dramatic at all and you simply have a coworker who is nosy about your personal life or overshares about his or hers.
At the root of all of these scenarios is a lack of effective boundaries. So in this week’s episode, I am sharing 4 simple steps to create healthy boundaries at work, even with unhealthy people.
Download the guide for this episode at the bottom of the blog post: www.terricole....
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
1:00 - What is a toxic work environment?
2:36 - Look at your side of the street (repeating realities)
7:50 - Harness the power of your intention
10:52 - Body language
15:40 - Make a simple request
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4 Top Reasons You're Not Setting Healthy Boundaries: • 4 Top Reasons You’re N...
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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole....
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RESOURCES:
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbo...
Boundary Boss Bootcamp, my 8-week signature course, is carefully constructed to take you to the next level of empowerment in all your personal + professional relationships using a positive and proactive boundary skillset that no one ever taught you. Until now: terricole.com/...
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#terricoleshow #boundaries #settingboundaries
So true. Toxic ppl do NOT like when you draw boundaries. One of their tactics is to throw a fit and when you don't respond they change their tune... You just hold your ground.
Stay strong. Sending you compassion and protection.
So many of these videos make it seem like you can actually make it better. i was in a toxic environment, got promoted and suddenly I had a target on my back. Every single manager turned against me and bullied me even though I was hitting every KPI, bringing quality work, trying to be positive. It was a small office and everyone was toxic or became toxic from working there. Sometimes it really is out of your control and you need to just leave.
you cant make a "dump site" cozy....no matter how much you do the tidying up....i also agree that the only solution is through the exit door and onto new pastures...let them drown in their misery.
@@GodiscomingBhappy it’s like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic
Sadly, insecure people with inadequate leadership will unconsciously form a bullying culture. I recently moved teams. I noticed everyone bends over backwards, brake safe systems of work to impress the manager. But when I didn't follow suit they began to target me. They like to slag people off, but if I disagree, it makes me a target. Never been good at groups because I'm unwilling to go along with unsavoury behaviour. Alas! 🎯
I had to draw a healthy boundary with a co worker who ran to my desk every time she had a freak out! I wait one year and as we were in a private conference room I shared that her behavior was disturbing my peace. I don’t think anyone had ever set a boundary with her! She didn’t speak to me for about 6 months . Her behavior didn’t change but she stays her distance and I’m good with that!🙏🏽💎👍🏽
You can stay to yourself do your work and they will still cause problems for you. Pick ,watch your every move. Waiting for you to make a mistake.
Laughing at me and wall is blocking us that’s only problem when you can’t have them face to face to do that!!!
But I know me, love me and happy with myself , I blast music and sing ignore whole world and do my job, go home happy
@@Flatleava I don't have a wall blocking them and I can't play music but I'm getting closer to God and loving myself more. And going home happen.
@Karen Sanders he's probably scared of you. Isn't it sad to think how they actively go out of their way to try to make somebody else's life miserable instead of focusing on making themselves better? Try to think of them as an annoyance. But don't make it personal.
Oh my gosh yes! That's what is happening to me. Worked 5 years! And suddenly Im breaking rules I never knew about?
@Karen Sanders
Absolutely Absurd
Terri - while those suggestions are great, in a (work) situation that is toxic, and uncompromising, especially toward non-management people, especially to new people, when you are so assertive to draw boundaries that is comfortable for you, and/but uncomfortable for others, you will be a target of relentless and ruthless harassment and gossip. That will be the consequence of drawing boundaries and speaking up for yourself. Even to the point of losing the job. Toxicity is called toxicity for a reason.
This may be true in some situations, Jojo but def not all and we still got to do it, ya know? Because the cost of not drawing your boundaries is YOU-your real and authentic self, which I think is too high. Thanks for your input!
I agree with this. I’ve been pondering about either changing my attitude meaning being more nice in the way I talk to them. I just don’t understand why I need to do a lot off effort to prove myself by being the one who will adjust and change to fit in
But I understand how I should be harmonious myself rather than being too tough. I guess it’s more of being firm about my boundaries in a nicer way. Frustrating but maybe it helps more to have peace of mind. I guess just like how it is with narcissists and doing the grey rock method but for this time “killing them with kindness” lol.
And I guess I’m too scared of being stepped on again and maybe I need a different kind of shield. I am the one who will suffer if I don’t change something in myself not just for myself but also to lessen the toxicity in the work I am in. I’ll miss out on possible friendships with less toxic coworkers
@@carlylara6 Avoid friendships with co-workers. Separate business from pleasure. Don't even share personal information at work. Whatever you say can and will be used against you in a court of toxic people.
What I have found to be toxic at work is not only when a coworker repeatedly treats me inappropriately (recently a older male colleague pulled my hair - not in jest, totally out of context, another example of his level of human being) and when I told my supervisor, he belittled the behavior and said something in the sense of it is no big deal... so toxic coworker and toxic boss, when he refuses to deal with problems and does not have my back.
Better go to HR that's sexual harassment
perfect time to use the middle finger and move on to another job
@@GodiscomingBhappy - not so easy in a small country with limited work oportunities in my field (went to university to do this work), but luckly that toxic coworker got fired for harrassing someone else and I only come in contact with my boss on somedays. I like writing specific examples because, when I was at the beginning of this learning journey, generalized statements describing the toxic behavior were not all that helpful, but concrete examples helped open my eyes... so now I process my emotions by writing here, it helps and I hope that at the same time, I might be helping someone else understand, what is just wrong and unacceptable.
@@caleuxx9108 I totally understand. Maybe God is trying to tell you that you have other talents you need to explore.... if the field you are in is small and toxic and you do not want to be a doormat maybe it is time to take a good look at your abilities (which I am sure you have many otherwise you would not be picked on) and plunge into the unknown.... I am not going to say it is easy, it is tough, but I am going to say you will be happy you did and wondered why you did not do it earlier. Blessings.
My coworkers were hostile, lazy and even made it clear they would not assist with work in any way. I tried being, kind, being humorous and finally standing up for myself. I realized I was in DENIAL big time and quit. The one manager who was supposed to be managing was rarely there so everyone tried to manage each other. Once I clearly looked at the situation I left.
Right on!!!
Sheesh like you want direction from them and they just saying make it your own do whatever, some like that I think
Repeating realities may exist in some cases however TOXIC people are just that and it has nothing to do with repeating realities especially when the person(s) Co- workers are bullies in the workplace!
I hear you and I"m witnessing your situation.
I’ve regularly gone through toxic workplace issues. I do my best to be welcoming, helpful and friendly to new employees and they end up “clinging” and approaching me for every problem or questions about their jobs (whether I know the answers or not.). I can’t seem to strike that happy medium where I can be friendly and polite without becoming a doormat. Eventually I have to request or demand “breathing room” to do my own work and it leads to hard feelings. I like meeting people and getting to know them, but we’re on company time and we’re there to work.
It is all about boundaries. When you know what you need for your success at work and ask for it, it won't have to build up to a blow up for the breathing room.
Refer them to their direct supervisors with their questions. Say you don't want to misspeak, you should ask your supervisor for furtherexploration
Great video. Today at work I will be putting it into practice. Tired of bringing work home. Toxic
13:34 has the best life advice.
This was so awsome, I kinda feel like i owe you some money!💐
Thank you !!
Thank you for being here and I am so glad it resonated with you!!
I am currently experiencing the same in my work right now. This girl created her OWN clique and she's very clingy to the people within her clique to the point that she's becoming manipulative. She would tell people like "do not eat with them", and worst part is this girl makes up stories and bullshit things about ME to other people, without me doing anything to her because I NEVER TALKED TO HER or I couldn't recall any moment that we have to interact with each other, except that I just smile at her and greet her every morning though and she does too. But day after day, her "clingy" act and manipulative attitude is becoming obvious that most of us in our team are already noticing her and her clique's attitude.
I overheard her talking things about other people in our team and most of the time it was about ME. I'm not sure if she's really doing it intentionally to make it so obvious on my end. Sometimes she talks to her "clique" about a team decision that she doesn't agree with but when you approach her, she will respond otherwise as if she's very happy about the decision on certain points and never gives her thoughts about everything when you ask her.
She creates gossips as well even about people from other team. Like seriously girl? create a life or I'm thinking that she has a miserable life and do not have friends outside work
My office and my team is not toxic but this specific person alone, IS THE POISON in the team. I could remember she had issue with a person from other department LOL
エストラダルジー damn I feel ur pain! Dealing with the same BS at work with girls acting like we’re in high school starting cliques! I’m glad they found ppl they like at work but u don’t need to be an asshole about it either! Even the owner of the company knows what’s going on and since they’re friends with management people ignore it. All they do is gossip about everything and everyone and waste company time. We just had a meeting about ppl wasting time, talking too much etc and it’s funny they have a meeting just because of this clique and their BS
Shes a narcissit and weak person that wants control and attention. You need to play dead ..people will eventually see her for who she is because soon enough someone else from her click will take your spot and becomes rhe scapegoat...plz stay patient always be kind and professional bc her motive is to bring ppl down to her level and if u go down to her level she won. And all that gossip about u will be validated. Ppl are not dumb they know eventually they will see bc she will triangulate others within her group
Thanks, Terri. This is helpful and empowering.
You are so welcome.
Excellent video as always, Terri! I love your assertiveness, kindness and sound mind advice. How come your videos don’t have millions of views? I’m going to share this one with friends. God bless you. Xoxo.
I NEEDED this badly!
Super helpful video! Thank you again as always. Your information is gold.
Can you do a video on how to deal with lazy co workers.
Will add it to the list!!
This is SO useful and you're so funny in relaying your message! Thanks for the ideas x
So happy you liked the vid, Taaiebah! I'm grateful you're here with us ;)
wow I can relate to this so much.... exact same thing was happening to me thank you for this video very enlightening. I will get it together as an adult and stop doing things that are bad for my career..!!!
Repeating reality- over responsibility and pacifying-
Incredibly helpful. Thank you!
I'm harassed nonstop. As soon as I got her into trouble the first time with management, she started a pattern of escalation. I talk to a manager, i leave it to them, i thank them for their time, and i move on. I focus on my work and let all the negativity not affect me. I mind my own business and wish nothing ill of her. When she feels she has an opportunity to be petty again, she does it. again, and again, and again. Each time i go to management, i explain things very clearly and logically. I explain that I'm there to work and she is causing disruptions with her behavior and they talk to her. Then it happens again. To be honest, she does it mostly when she sees I am happy. The happier I am, the more she tries to ruin my day. I've tried ignoring it, letting her vent, talking to management, letting bygones be bygones and be nice to her, i've tried everything you can imagine a rational person would do to make things calm again. I give her space and never do anything or say anything to upset her. I figure she has issues and abusing me at work is her only release. So I avoid her and focus on my work. Today, same thing. I am busy working and she comes over and tells me that I should stop talking to someone I am working with because I am interfering with their work. I am not, the person in question asked me a question and I was answering. Don't tell me I am doing anything wrong in this. The blame the target approach doesn't fly with me when I've done everything short of quitting to get this person off my back. I try to take the high road, and she tries to drag me down often. I am not transferring anything. She's a miserable person and this is unprofessional behavior.
starcrafter13terran this is exactly what is happening to me!! Like word for word
How do I tel my coworkers to basically fuck off without saying that lol. They are so so mean to me, we used to be good work friends until a huge argument. I’ve gone to management 5 times and they refuse to talk to them bc they have been here 10 years and Ive been here 5.. I’m the one being bullied it’s so obvious. The two are besties so it makes it 10 times Harder
So I just put up with it bc I need this job bc it pays so much.
But I’m so sick of being treated like a kid and feeling sad and suicidal all because of these two woman!!! I don’t know what to do....
I tried the whole I’m happy and smiling all the time and she hated it but after a while I can’t smile anymore bc I’m so miserable
I honestly wish I could just die... but then I think that and am like WTF?? Over two bitches who think they are better than everybody?
Ugghhhhhhh I hate this so much
its really complicated, because i work with somebody that has no bondaries towards the boss, they stay overhours, work almost twice the time, with no paid overhours and gets the limbo stick lower for the rest of us.
She can be also incredibly assertive, self certain towards the rest of people stating to her that she is actually making the others suffer. Its not that i dont recognise a victim in her aswell, but its a team work and her lack of communication, her zealousness, endless loyalty to the workplace, working over hours, at weekends, preparing drafts, spending all this time makes the bossess think the rest should go towards this - because if she does it, its possible for the rest. But i already spend loads of underpaid overhours, mobbing, peer pressure.
I feel the workplace is toxic, a lot of people trying to survive so you cant really have a healthy workplace. Either nacrissts or people protecting themselves agaist them, so no place for spontaneus things. A lot of loneliness.
I am witnessing you with compassion. You do not have to do anything you don't want to do simply because someone else is doing it. You have a right to your boundaries.
That environment kills creativity and innovation.
i was riveted! such excellent insight!
You are so damn insightful. I'm watching all your and it's hitting me hard. Please keep sharing your wisdom.
Thank you for sharing this! I found you about a week ago because I am always looking for tools to healing from many childhood ACE’S.. I have ADHD, PTSD, and growing up with a narcissistic mother and stepfather who kept me from my biological father other paternal family(that i was unaware of until around age 12) which attracted me to your channel especially around “Healing the Mother Wound”…. I am in tears right now writing this because I sooooo need this… Thanks a million times
I am so glad my work is resonating ❤️
I needed this today! Thank you so much!
You're welcome!
Great work, invaluable info yet again, thanks
Especially because a colleague who perceives the smallest slight has recruited colleagues against me because I gave her a bit of a ribbing about reaching the 40s. She seems to always bring the personal drama of her life in to her - have only been in the job a short time - now I want out, because I can't be bothered with this crap. Eek
Thank you so much 😊💖 infinite blessings to you
You're welcome!
Thankyou so much for making this video it helps so much, I have one co-worker who has been so difficult to work with and had been making things difficult with other co workers spreading fake gossip about me, I have tried so many different things and looked at so many different ways to deal with it, none of which seemed to work. It had gotten so bad that I would dread having to go into the office and was having trouble sleeping at night, but your video is so helpful and makes so much sense, it's really helped and inspired me. Thankyou so much (L&S) :)
I'm so glad this resonated for you and that it helped! I hear you and.I feel you. Keep taking care of yourself, pal.
Toxic work place - Terri, I work in health care... so I work with people. You also have such an experience. Could you, would you, please do a video specific about working in a difficult environment? This type of job is specific in that our clients/patients primarily need us and at the same time they are often full of emotions (normal emotions for these situations). What is normal in a difficult environment? How to tell if its too toxic for me? while other people can stay there for years....?
Oh my gosh. I just figured out my work problem.
Right on! thank you for sharing!
Is there a video on boundaries with bosses or supervisors? I'm in desperate need of it! Please help!
Start here: ruclips.net/video/hQat94JARuQ/видео.html Sending you strength, mama!
The way i see it.... let's compare it to a soccer player, he gets his knee injured and goes to rehab and recovers.....that knee will always feel the change in weather, feel tender under pressure, etc (my friend being a good example). Now, let's talk about being hurt and abused by an extremely toxic mother and sibblings.... getting out of that crap hole is like rehab but the injury is there still....every time one walks into a job, chances are that one becomes a magnet for any other narc or psycho. From personal experience I can say the ONLY solution is to have BOUNDARIES, however the "injury" is still there and the psychos and narcs can get the scent.....is a constant battle for sure... NEVER EVER give up though....i quit a number of jobs and God is guiding me to give ME a second chance.
Very, very described. It’s like a primitive behaviour- the scent fits.
I don't have eye envy lol but I DO have eyebrow envy ... Your eyebrows are simply ahhhhhh-mazing and you have big beautiful eyes. Great message and takeaways!!!
Thank you!
You are fantastic. I'm struggling.
I'm sending you strength. I am glad the video is resonating with you.
Thank you for sharing this. Would you be able to do a video on coworkers constantly staring or gangstalk? How do you deal with it. I tried ignoring, called corporate compliance. No help. Now im too the point i want to address these individuals constanly invading my space. Thanks.
Thank you for the suggestion. What is gangstalk?
Gangstalking is when u have a group of peo that walk by staring at you for long periods of time, to try to intimidate or control your actions, trying to make you feel powerless. Its a result of smear campaign, targeting one individual for standing up for themselves. Work mobbing.
This is so good!!!
Thank you!
Wonderful video very helpful thank you.
Shit i have a idiot as a boss and the highest manager.Sexually harasses women & never gets punished.He harasses the employess and tries to give warnings over nothing.The second supervisor is a drama queen.The third supervisor is a drug addict high at work.This is who i work with.
I hear you. Make sure you are taking steps to take care of you in that kind of environment.
Good information, but the volume is too low.
Gossiping and snide remarks on the side for no reason here supervisor is suspect and one lady that I work with👍🏼
My narc mother is the most of who I encounter that are bullies
What a good video!! Thank you
❤ lovely video. And really good explanation. Thank you! I enjoyed it! 🌞
So glad you enjoyed it! ❤️
I have one lady observing me obviously and when I look into her eyes she looks away!!! Every day, oh and sometimes I act I don’t see her and she just has open mouth
before I was mad(wanted to confront her)but now listening to u it’s funny!!! And she says really mean things
I'm witnessing you.
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM you have beautiful voice I must say ..... and u so right how some situations like they are repeated
Really love this content, thank you!
You're so welcome! ❤
I did not go in today anticipating a 'shhh' show! I am being attacked a/o scrutinized by a 2-year old..... by a jealous? egotistical? female with nothing better to do. She has problems with me. So, therefore, unfortunately...I have a problem with her. I never feel comfortable around her. Never. I have always hoped for better. It hasn't happened yet. Big sigh....She is a bit older than me, and I believe looking to feel? important in her elder years. Top dog so to speak. I would love to work with a group of evolved and mature individuals. I'm afraid to make a move, yet I know I cannot waste more time in this environment. I really need to get my act together so that I can exit.....gracefully???!!!!!
One day I made a comment on the extra paperwork the company required while another coworker was explaining how to fill out the paperwork to our fellow coworker. While explaining, she felt like I was making fun of her, I thought wth🤦♀️ is going on....I let her know I was not talking about her delivery on the information I was commenting on the extra paperwork, which didn't do any good... I began teasing my fellow coworker who is my buddy about making sure she gets it right, which is work I have to do also, then the same "offended" coworker started in on me again because she "felt like" I was being discouraging to our fellow coworker, and I let her know I'm just teasing,I thought wth🤦♀️ again this doesn't make any sense b/c this is work WE ALL HAVE TO DO..I just couldn't believe her ridiculous attitude...it bothers me when people get it wrong, then when you try to explain to them that they misunderstood it's like they are more happy with misunderstanding than understanding what the truth is... she just made up a story in her own mind and was ok with dealing with unnecessary negativity....stupid stuff like this interferes with working together in a non-hostile environment...🤷♀️
Hi Terri thanks so much - wondering did you do the other episode you mention on the toxic boss (if this is more for toxic co-worker)?
I haven't yet, but if you let me know what's going on in a comment I can try to help you out ❤️
@@terri_colehello Terri... I too would love an episode on a toxic boss... please 🥺
Im 18 and my uncle is the boss’s assistant, and my coworkers tried to get him to fire me because I’m “lazy,” even tho they give some really crappy advice, and it’s pretty sad 30-40 year olds are talking crap behind my back
I'm witnessing you and I hear you.
I have never been lucky with working. I had a horrible 75 yr old lady boss. Initially she was nice and thrn became horrible brain washing the others
You are awesome!
Yes many bosses / coworkers / clients
are full.of sacristic talks and fully of toxicity inside them..
Which makes people go away from them...
Don't be sacristic to people based on there past life
It show the person cheap characters if some one always sacristic to other person bullying him or her based on past.
Sign of dirty humans .
Not good work places with such sacristic bosses people around
If someone asks you how much you earn or how is your wahtever thing, out of the offic3e how you avoid answer those questions?
I just say "Not enough" and change the subject.
I'm 19, and have worked for 5 years at a summer job. So, since i started,i wasn't interested in what i was doing there, and didn't like it either (basically i was doing it for the money).
However, last summer, my boss,(who is already mean , angry and hurtful,but somewhat tolerable) hired someone which completely changed my environment:
He is around 40 years old.At first,he was just a regular person.but,with time, he became close with my boss within just months.He became very bossy at everyone and especially me (considering i was the smallest in age there).And lately,he has been bullying me very frequently, lowering my self esteem, and developing and "enemy" attitude towards me.
I am currently thinking about quitting and just finding another job,but i still don't know when and how.
So,can anybody explain the causes of his actions and how to cope with it???
Thanks.
The causes of his actions are less important than what it is bringing up for you and how you will respond. What boundaries are you going to put in place - meaning what is and is not ok with you? And have you spoken to your boss about this?
@@terri_cole Not yet...
Bullying and mobbing followed by total boycott
The answere is ;
GET OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE !!!
Such jobs will eventually destroy you .....
WoW!
Thanks!
I just practiced the steps and felt much better after a couple of hours. It was more like self confrontation instead of blaming others for how I'm feeling. Not easy but yielded of desired results. Thanks again.
I just practiced the steps and felt much better after a couple of hours. It was more like self confrontation instead of blaming others for the way I'm feeling in a certainsituation. Not easy but yielded of desired results. Thanks again.
My manager is a raging alcoholic...
Sending❤️❤️❤️
❤️
Toxic women