This makes sense. I've messed up relationships by sharing and showing too much, but I've also learned that refusing to share anything about what I'm feeling is another way to seem unsafe for a woman: she can wonder what you're hiding and come up with all kinds of terrible scenarios. One of the most helpful ways I've thought about it is "tell, don't show." If I can state in a calm setting and calm matter-of-fact voice that I've been dealing with this or that, then it shows her that I'm not hiding anything that's threatening her, that I'm aware of what I'm feeling, and that I'm exercising self-control.
This is so true it's like there is a need to share one emotions or problems in a non dependent way , a non burdenous way to your woman. It also requires men to be more emotionally available to women even if it's not necessarily the other way around.
this is crazy. I feel like I would have to make up problems or emotions just to fulfill this need from her. I just don't know what it is i'm supposed to be sharing.
"I'm feeling so warm and fuzzy loving you. You're the only girl in the world to me!" - GOOD VULNERABILITY "I'm feeling outmatched at work and I didn't get that promotion and now I'm doubting myself and I really need a hug." BAD VULNERABILITY. That is all.
Emotional sovereignty is correct. You can't go overboard with this vulnerability'. Then you become a child to your romantic partner & she becomes Mommy. Then you're dumped or placed in the friendzone. Lesson: Do not make your partner your mommy.
i’ve learned that when it comes to women you can ignore a solid 90% of what they say they want and focus on their actions instead. the problem is figuring out what the 10% is that actually matters
My experience is that when a man shows vulnerability, it is weaponized against him. A man can be honest, caring, provide safety etc without being vulnerable in his relationship.
Everywhere on social media when men answer the question "What happened when you REALLY opened up to your partner" the vast majority of men said it hurt or ended their relationship. Maybe we can start listening to MEN'S lived experiencing and not discounting them. They will say "Oh, you're just a sad, excluded, bitter man!" when we go against their narrative. The question is, do you - as a man- CARE what a woman's needs for you are? Society's expectations? They "don't need no man" now. So, why are we still playing this game? Social disconnection has been the path to peace for me, and now I'm invulnerable - and not exploitable.
@@NorthernGuy-v1x women distain weak men. Being vulnerable to them always leads to a lack of respect and desire. Go to a man for advice. the lesson here is something Patrice O’Neil said: “you don’t ask a fish how to catch it. You ask a fisherman”.
This is the best channel I’ve listened to regarding the facets of manhood and masculinity. I appreciate your insightful content and the way you provide an honest and open attitude toward the world that is not bent on bitterness.
Here's a tip for Vulnerability: Be it. But do it, just because you want. Do it from a place of curiousity and reflection and it works out fine. Be real about it. Dont do it because somebody asks you to or because you cant help yourself. Help yourself, always. It happens rarely that Women want a dependent man. And if, it's most often not a healthy relationship anyways.
I’m binging your material brother. I just want to say you really have an enlightened way of seeing and expressing things. There is unfiltered and brave honesty in your words but no negativity nor exasperation. Really really appreciate you.
My two cents. The big problem are guys who refuse to deal with their intense emotions. They cut them off, but of course they don't really cut them off. They live in our bodies anyway. I think women need a guy who is in touch with the full range of emotions and can deal with them properly. Well-regulated, maybe? For women, I think the safety issues are that they are safe to express the full range of intense emotions and he can absorb anything, stay in the moment and be aware and "feel" them without reacting emotionally as well. Instead of a heat sink, an emotion sink. Intense emotions get absorbed and diffused. Not emotion armour, intense emotions come out and they bounce around and ricochet, causing collateral damage.
Good points and I agree with your conclusions. Let's not outsource our emotional work to the women in our lives and throw our unprocessed, raw anger, fear or pain at them. I wish we had a wisdom not only in our peers but in the previous generation to help us and challenge us rather than bringing the unprocessed problems to our partners.
I burned many of opportunities with women over being needy. Nothing will kill attraction faster than that, lol. Took a long time to shed that trait and lot's of therapy and self development. One of the most important things in shedding the neediness was develop strong boundaries, for myself and for others.
For me, it's about TALKING LESS. Being an open book around women is a very very bad idea for a man. SOMETHING you say will have her instantly get turned off and vet you. This is important when you're new and all she is LOOKING for are red flags and deal breakers. This is where stoicism comes in.
I can't imagine living with a woman for my live that I can't share my full self with. This is one of the reasons why I made my standard for looks as min as possible and analyzing the girl and make tests to see if I can be myself with her.
I personally think feminists come from a good place to make men open up, but feminists are majority women, and women do feel better when they talk about their problems to their friends and support networks, which they have plenty of who are willing to give them a listening ear. Feminists assume what works for them, works for men. But it depends on the guy if these things work for them, I'd say it might work for a small chunk of guys. But male issues are multi-factorial, not just one variable. So it solves a small piece of the problem, but this change has had some downsides to a lot of men, especially in the dating world. In my dating experience, plenty of women have said they want a guy who opens up and shows his soft side. I do believe they are coming from a good place also, but I see it time and time again, having shown weakness is a big big attraction killer. But I figure you got to be yourself at the end of the day, but do tell her what's up from time to time, but don't overdo it. Women are attracted to security/safety, which translates to financial safety, emotional safety (you're not an emotional mess) and other forms of safety. If you swept up in the river or in life and unable to confront things but get swept up in the current, then she's going to notice.
Woman want men that are courageous. With life, work, passion. This means not being needy in theses areas but confident and open about obstacles and successes.
Vulnerability IMHO is just honesty that feels risky. Being open and honest around your life, emotions, relationships, etc... honesty creates intimacy (Into Me You See). Intimacy creates deep connection. In order to be vulnerable you need a high degree of self-awareness and understanding of your mind, body and spirit.
I kind of resent women for having what I see as anti-human sex drives. It's wild, but being asexual or homosexual sounds like a better deal, overall. I hate being attracted to people who can never have empathy for me. I hate that I can't shut it off either.
Brother, here's some friendly advice: whatever lead you to that conclusion is pain within you that you're going to have to acknowledge, accept, take ownership of and work through. This perspective is misguided and not helpful. Don't continue down that path, it won't lead you anywhere good. I don't know what experiences you've had and I'm not judging. I'm not asking you to just believe me, but I do ask you entertain the idea that what lead you to that conclusion is by and large a pain within you. Take care.
@@stephena.8193 That's not "from pain within" that's from basic observation about the world. Even when you point out that women are incapable of empathy for the male sex, it's somehow STILL your fault as a man. Incredible.
@@ggggg77273if she shows empathy for you. Don't think she is in anyway sexually attracted to you. You have now just like become a Female friend, one of the girls!
I now see sexual need (thirst) as 100% pure liability and just keep doing things to further de-sexualize myself. It's the most liberating thing I've ever done with my life. I can walk away from what women need and want and focus on the needs of my children. Been divorced 10+ years and haven't spent 10 cents or ten seconds on relationships and I have zero regrets about that choice. For men who still have The Thirst, play the game, take the losses on the chin, and go chase boys. GO CHASE. LOL.
@@ggggg77273 He's saying if you're not thirsty and playing their game you're hurt and broken. He has adopted a female mindset and is full of internalized misandry. Ignore him.
Interesting topic. Let's look at it from a different perspective for a moment. If we think about it, some people might simply not like emotions and that's because they simply can not understand their own emotions or feelings. There are plenty of people who can not understand their own emotions so they will not understand others, that's understandable. It's like a whole new language. It's not a man or woman or whatever gender you are issue. Some people get annoyed and irritated at others for simply expressing happiness. Eg. I have been in a relationships with people who all experience mental illnesses such as Autism, Bipolar and BPD. All 3 of them hated emotions with a passion. All beautiful human beings mind you. But they ran off logic. Most people are emotional-logic. So it's not about gender or masculinity, it's simply that they never were allowed to be themselves when they were children. That's why they can be very controlling. What you're referring to is a lack of mentalisation. Those women (or men) who see emotions as weakness might have difficulties regulating their emotions. I dont want to be married to a robot, I need someone who is not ashamed to be themselves - an emotional being. ❤
Attn: Men in long term relationships - what do you hear and how do you feel when your partner says they want you to “open up” to them (especially about any struggles / addictions / etc) …?
Seems like two concepts are being crossed here. Not resonating. Vulnerability is something that we flow in and out of as circumstances arise. In a balanced life we are sometimes vulnerable. When vulnerable we are discovering things about ourselves and hopefully getting through in a healthy way. And tho we are a social species, our self-worth ultimately comes from within if it is to be sustainable.
I thought "all I want you to do is listen" is what vulnerability is all about. Even a child does not expect his mom to solve all his problems for him once he is verbal. The question truely arises about exposing vulnerability within the relationship, where solving issues together is inevitable. Somehow you do not address this most challenging aspect of vulnerability.
Men simply have higher EQ. Why would I as a man let my emotions override my logic? Dating is difficult because a man must retreat from logic as the guiding force and attempt to understand his wife on a different level and that feels foreign. I certainly have had many vulnerabilities over my years but they are temporal at best. I analyze, understand the causal elements and then make the necessary changes. I rarely make the same mistakes from vulnerability twice. Rarely have I found that a man needs to listen to women for the blueprint considering the vast amount of observable data. You think women are throwing themselves at athletes, entertainers and monied men because these guys are "vulnerable"?
Men, don’t show your emotional side to women. Share your troubles with fellow men first, deal with the issues, and when things aren’t as messy as before, if necessary, share with your women. Otherwise, women cannot handle men who are just as emotionally volatile as themselves.
Let me know in the comment what other topics you'd like me to cover.
Your videos are awesome! Thank you very much
This makes sense. I've messed up relationships by sharing and showing too much, but I've also learned that refusing to share anything about what I'm feeling is another way to seem unsafe for a woman: she can wonder what you're hiding and come up with all kinds of terrible scenarios. One of the most helpful ways I've thought about it is "tell, don't show." If I can state in a calm setting and calm matter-of-fact voice that I've been dealing with this or that, then it shows her that I'm not hiding anything that's threatening her, that I'm aware of what I'm feeling, and that I'm exercising self-control.
This is so true it's like there is a need to share one emotions or problems in a non dependent way , a non burdenous way to your woman. It also requires men to be more emotionally available to women even if it's not necessarily the other way around.
this is crazy. I feel like I would have to make up problems or emotions just to fulfill this need from her. I just don't know what it is i'm supposed to be sharing.
"I'm feeling so warm and fuzzy loving you. You're the only girl in the world to me!" - GOOD VULNERABILITY
"I'm feeling outmatched at work and I didn't get that promotion and now I'm doubting myself and I really need a hug." BAD VULNERABILITY.
That is all.
Emotional sovereignty is correct.
You can't go overboard with this vulnerability'. Then you become a child to your romantic partner & she becomes Mommy. Then you're dumped or placed in the friendzone. Lesson: Do not make your partner your mommy.
Historically even peasant women who found out a man was vulnerable, the first thing she would do is see what she could get out of him.
Hey do you have any studies or historical examples to prove this. I’m in a argument about about this right now
That narrative of "Men have those problems because they aren't vulnerable enough", seems partly like a marketing strategy for therapy.
i’ve learned that when it comes to women you can ignore a solid 90% of what they say they want and focus on their actions instead. the problem is figuring out what the 10% is that actually matters
My experience is that when a man shows vulnerability, it is weaponized against him.
A man can be honest, caring, provide safety etc without being vulnerable in his relationship.
Everywhere on social media when men answer the question "What happened when you REALLY opened up to your partner" the vast majority of men said it hurt or ended their relationship. Maybe we can start listening to MEN'S lived experiencing and not discounting them. They will say "Oh, you're just a sad, excluded, bitter man!" when we go against their narrative. The question is, do you - as a man- CARE what a woman's needs for you are? Society's expectations? They "don't need no man" now. So, why are we still playing this game? Social disconnection has been the path to peace for me, and now I'm invulnerable - and not exploitable.
@@NorthernGuy-v1x women distain weak men. Being vulnerable to them always leads to a lack of respect and desire. Go to a man for advice. the lesson here is something Patrice O’Neil said: “you don’t ask a fish how to catch it. You ask a fisherman”.
This is the best channel I’ve listened to regarding the facets of manhood and masculinity. I appreciate your insightful content and the way you provide an honest and open attitude toward the world that is not bent on bitterness.
Here's a tip for Vulnerability: Be it. But do it, just because you want. Do it from a place of curiousity and reflection and it works out fine. Be real about it.
Dont do it because somebody asks you to or because you cant help yourself. Help yourself, always.
It happens rarely that Women want a dependent man. And if, it's most often not a healthy relationship anyways.
I’m binging your material brother. I just want to say you really have an enlightened way of seeing and expressing things. There is unfiltered and brave honesty in your words but no negativity nor exasperation. Really really appreciate you.
My two cents. The big problem are guys who refuse to deal with their intense emotions. They cut them off, but of course they don't really cut them off. They live in our bodies anyway. I think women need a guy who is in touch with the full range of emotions and can deal with them properly. Well-regulated, maybe? For women, I think the safety issues are that they are safe to express the full range of intense emotions and he can absorb anything, stay in the moment and be aware and "feel" them without reacting emotionally as well. Instead of a heat sink, an emotion sink. Intense emotions get absorbed and diffused. Not emotion armour, intense emotions come out and they bounce around and ricochet, causing collateral damage.
Good points and I agree with your conclusions. Let's not outsource our emotional work to the women in our lives and throw our unprocessed, raw anger, fear or pain at them. I wish we had a wisdom not only in our peers but in the previous generation to help us and challenge us rather than bringing the unprocessed problems to our partners.
I burned many of opportunities with women over being needy. Nothing will kill attraction faster than that, lol. Took a long time to shed that trait and lot's of therapy and self development. One of the most important things in shedding the neediness was develop strong boundaries, for myself and for others.
For me, it's about TALKING LESS. Being an open book around women is a very very bad idea for a man. SOMETHING you say will have her instantly get turned off and vet you. This is important when you're new and all she is LOOKING for are red flags and deal breakers. This is where stoicism comes in.
Came back to this video after 1 year -- thanks for sharing this. It is of great help!
I can't imagine living with a woman for my live that I can't share my full self with. This is one of the reasons why I made my standard for looks as min as possible and analyzing the girl and make tests to see if I can be myself with her.
I personally think feminists come from a good place to make men open up, but feminists are majority women, and women do feel better when they talk about their problems to their friends and support networks, which they have plenty of who are willing to give them a listening ear. Feminists assume what works for them, works for men. But it depends on the guy if these things work for them, I'd say it might work for a small chunk of guys. But male issues are multi-factorial, not just one variable. So it solves a small piece of the problem, but this change has had some downsides to a lot of men, especially in the dating world.
In my dating experience, plenty of women have said they want a guy who opens up and shows his soft side. I do believe they are coming from a good place also, but I see it time and time again, having shown weakness is a big big attraction killer. But I figure you got to be yourself at the end of the day, but do tell her what's up from time to time, but don't overdo it. Women are attracted to security/safety, which translates to financial safety, emotional safety (you're not an emotional mess) and other forms of safety. If you swept up in the river or in life and unable to confront things but get swept up in the current, then she's going to notice.
Woman want men that are courageous. With life, work, passion. This means not being needy in theses areas but confident and open about obstacles and successes.
Vulnerability IMHO is just honesty that feels risky. Being open and honest around your life, emotions, relationships, etc... honesty creates intimacy (Into Me You See). Intimacy creates deep connection.
In order to be vulnerable you need a high degree of self-awareness and understanding of your mind, body and spirit.
I kind of resent women for having what I see as anti-human sex drives. It's wild, but being asexual or homosexual sounds like a better deal, overall. I hate being attracted to people who can never have empathy for me. I hate that I can't shut it off either.
Brother, here's some friendly advice: whatever lead you to that conclusion is pain within you that you're going to have to acknowledge, accept, take ownership of and work through. This perspective is misguided and not helpful. Don't continue down that path, it won't lead you anywhere good. I don't know what experiences you've had and I'm not judging. I'm not asking you to just believe me, but I do ask you entertain the idea that what lead you to that conclusion is by and large a pain within you. Take care.
@@stephena.8193 That's not "from pain within" that's from basic observation about the world. Even when you point out that women are incapable of empathy for the male sex, it's somehow STILL your fault as a man. Incredible.
@@ggggg77273if she shows empathy for you. Don't think she is in anyway sexually attracted to you. You have now just like become a Female friend, one of the girls!
I now see sexual need (thirst) as 100% pure liability and just keep doing things to further de-sexualize myself. It's the most liberating thing I've ever done with my life. I can walk away from what women need and want and focus on the needs of my children. Been divorced 10+ years and haven't spent 10 cents or ten seconds on relationships and I have zero regrets about that choice. For men who still have The Thirst, play the game, take the losses on the chin, and go chase boys. GO CHASE. LOL.
@@ggggg77273 He's saying if you're not thirsty and playing their game you're hurt and broken. He has adopted a female mindset and is full of internalized misandry. Ignore him.
Interesting topic. Let's look at it from a different perspective for a moment. If we think about it, some people might simply not like emotions and that's because they simply can not understand their own emotions or feelings. There are plenty of people who can not understand their own emotions so they will not understand others, that's understandable. It's like a whole new language. It's not a man or woman or whatever gender you are issue. Some people get annoyed and irritated at others for simply expressing happiness. Eg. I have been in a relationships with people who all experience mental illnesses such as Autism, Bipolar and BPD. All 3 of them hated emotions with a passion. All beautiful human beings mind you. But they ran off logic. Most people are emotional-logic. So it's not about gender or masculinity, it's simply that they never were allowed to be themselves when they were children. That's why they can be very controlling. What you're referring to is a lack of mentalisation. Those women (or men) who see emotions as weakness might have difficulties regulating their emotions. I dont want to be married to a robot, I need someone who is not ashamed to be themselves - an emotional being. ❤
Women can and should be vulnerable with their male partners. But the reverse can never happen! It’s a hard pill to swallow.
Attn: Men in long term relationships -
what do you hear and how do you feel when your partner says they want you to “open up” to them (especially about any struggles / addictions / etc) …?
Seems like two concepts are being crossed here. Not resonating. Vulnerability is something that we flow in and out of as circumstances arise. In a balanced life we are sometimes vulnerable. When vulnerable we are discovering things about ourselves and hopefully getting through in a healthy way. And tho we are a social species, our self-worth ultimately comes from within if it is to be sustainable.
So I should tell her "I don't need you to fix this"? 😂
I thought "all I want you to do is listen" is what vulnerability is all about. Even a child does not expect his mom to solve all his problems for him once he is verbal.
The question truely arises about exposing vulnerability within the relationship, where solving issues together is inevitable. Somehow you do not address this most challenging aspect of vulnerability.
Men simply have higher EQ. Why would I as a man let my emotions override my logic? Dating is difficult because a man must retreat from logic as the guiding force and attempt to understand his wife on a different level and that feels foreign. I certainly have had many vulnerabilities over my years but they are temporal at best. I analyze, understand the causal elements and then make the necessary changes. I rarely make the same mistakes from vulnerability twice.
Rarely have I found that a man needs to listen to women for the blueprint considering the vast amount of observable data. You think women are throwing themselves at athletes, entertainers and monied men because these guys are "vulnerable"?
Men, don’t show your emotional side to women. Share your troubles with fellow men first, deal with the issues, and when things aren’t as messy as before, if necessary, share with your women. Otherwise, women cannot handle men who are just as emotionally volatile as themselves.