Watched all your other videos about dating an avoidant woman. I learned about the attachment style, worked on my own „more anxious“ attachment. Gave her space, didn’t criticize, etc. But the moment I expressed my desires, wants and needs which weren’t overbearing to be honest, she took everything as an attack, called me „highly insecure and needy“ and then ended the relationship. We met only once a week because she couldn’t more. Never initiated anything on our days where we weren’t together, multiple hours to answer me and all of this bullshit. I wouldn’t say I’m secure or anxious, perhaps something in between, but when you see only passive behavior for months straight. Texting first, reaching out first, attempting to build an emotional connection, talking openly in conflicts but you’re met with stonewalling, silent treatment, blaming, selfish defensiveness, … you get pushed towards anxious. Been trying over and over to make this work, but people IT IS NOT WORTH IT. You will burn yourself out, start questioning yourself and your worth. Just do yourself a favor and go for someone emotionally available.
Well put. I just lived it this fall. Can't say I'd ever date someone who's fearful avoidant again. Plus, some of them are already looking for, or connecting with, a new person (or people) before your dating relationship ends. They need to heal by working through the trauma they've experienced. Misleading, using, and discarding the good people who care about them is hurtful behavior.
I don’t know how you can sit there and say avoidants are not “damaged.” All of their behaviour is dysfunctional, immature and toxic. They are demonized the most because they break their own hearts and others.
Agreed. One recently hurt me. That said, I'd like to hear any success stories. Many are pouring their hearts out on the internet because of the person they lost. What about the relationships that survive?
After dating an avoidant woman, I will NEVER date an avoidant one again. EVER. Why would you want one that will prioritize herself when the sh*t hits the fan and shut down and/or run? Find a securely attached woman instead.
I dated 4 DAs coming out from very toxic relationships and I never felt so unimportant or low value in those women eyes ... No empathy, just selfishness. Didn't get intimate with any of them. I got the kissing as the most intimate thing ... Become secure person with boundaries and don't deal with them, you are wasting your time and nerves as they mostly can't change. Run.
I met this woman 4 years ago. Older than me but still pretty attractive. We got involved but for a long, long time I never took her seriously. Not that I didnt want to, but because of her weird behaviour. Never met anyone like her before. At the same time she wanted "exclusivity" from me, she never wanted to hold hands in public, never introduced me to her family nor would she show any hability to communicate in a loving way. Not a single compliment, for instance. Time went by and I came to know she never had a relationship longer than 6 months. Keep in mind she was 40+. 4 years later, she is not my girlfriend anymore because dealing with her is exhausting. One interesting thing is that she always came after me when I broke up with her. And that happened A LOT of times. Its something that an avoidant supposedly would never do. During those 4 years, she was able to say things like "you are the love of my life" which is amazing to hear from an avoidant and she could recognize her toxic way of being. Still, I do not agree when you say they are not damaged. Yes, they totally are and at least this one was able to admit it and got better but its not enough when you go from negative points to just barelly acceptable... On the other hand, I've had an anxious girlfriend and although not a perfect scenario, its easier to deal with. You really know when they like you and the only difficulty I've come across was her jealousy. For me its easier to deal with someone who is jealous than with someone who does not show love in a proper way. Jealousy can be childish and insecure but many times its really because the person likes you. Not knowing if the person really likes you or how much they do, its much harder to deal with imo.
@@Warrior_Princess_1111 Its unnactrative from your point of view as a female not so much for a guy. We dont care if a woman is insecure. Not saying is a great trait to have but I prefer some jealousy instead of indifference or cold behaviour
@ricardodulica6862 OMG, I had the same exact experience. She didn't like public displays of affection, never invited me to family events, kept our relationship in the closet, and always held me at arms length. It is emotionally exhausting. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I really appreciate bro because he has personally helped me heal my own avoidance issues and lead a non toxic relationship. But an avoidant attachment is more than just a style, like he says it’s a wound, and we all know “hurt people hurt people” so be very careful out there ya’ll. This wound can range in severity, like I said I’d say I’m a recovering avoidant myself. So please do your research on psychopathy - borderline personality and even narcissistic personality disorders - in both vulnerable/covert and grandiose/overt styles. He said it himself “self protection” is the key and never doubt how far someone will go to defend a fragile ego. I got myself into a lot of trouble thinking just because someone shares similar pains to me that we could both recover in a healthy manner. That is not the case 🙅🏻♂️ love in abundance - cherish those who are dear to you, but please pick your battles wisely, walk slowly, take your time and do not go head first into some else’s misery and codependency. Praying for y’all, thanks for reading. 💯
You’re both 100% wrong. An avoidantly attached woman will leave the man she loves in typical avoidant fashion, they show up secure and strong initially then fade into their behaviours once it means something to them… a lot of shame and bottled up pain in an avoident’s heart. My DA ex told me she’s never been happier or loved anyone more as she walked out the door of a 2.5 year relationship, first time I saw her cry in 2.5 years too - nothing but pure grief and anguish from her, no anxious behaviour in sight.
I'm dating an INFJ fearful avoidant woman right now and its hell, first 4 months she was really high interest and bombarding me all the time with texts and re-assurance, but suddenly just started taking 8 hours to reply and now its 1-2 messages a day. We still go on dates but it went from weekly to every 2-3 weeks. On the dates itself she's still really high interest and its like nothing happened. Her therapist also diagnosed her with CPTSD recently, which confirmed my doubts about her being fearful avoidant. Anyone else experience this?
I would just ask if something is wrong when you are together. It's still good signs as long as she is not skipping dates and still going to a therapists
You've got all the facts - cptsd, avoidant (an _insecure_ attachment style) and she's slowly fading already. Insecurity is what's guaranteed! Not reliability. Brace for impact and good luck. 🫡
I didn’t watch the video but the answer is don’t date an avoidant woman…. If the person hasn’t dealt with their trauma to become securely attached then they will not be able to be in a healthy relationship.
Dont. Even if you are safely attached. Avoidant people will destroy your life for years to come and cause you trauma and pain you'll never heal from. Just run away. There is no winning. These are the worst people you can ever run into. Be aware that this guy defends them because he is one if them. But trust me, they ARE damaged. They ARE dangerous.
I supported my avoidant gf a lot bc she was unemployed. She took thousands of euros from me. We did not have any conflicts. Then she, out of the blue, she dumped me with smile. A classic avoidant behaviour.
I don't understand why someone that is aware of and understands attachment styles would ever want a relationship with someone that's avoidant? Have some fun or a fling? Sure. But an actual relationship with someone that's going to actively avoid any sort of relationship vibes and will likely just discard you at some point when they're too triggered? That's insane.
I'm not advocating for seeking out a relationship with an avoidant person. The content is for the guys who have found themselves in relationship or married to an avoidant woman. If I was single, I wouldn't pursue avoidant women either and want men to go after secure women.
Anxious people aren't demonized because they don't act like demons. Avoidants, on the other hand will destroy you with no remorse. This video defends avoidants by saying they're just looking out for themselves first. That's just a sneaky way of saying they are selfish people. They do not care about you. -- they don't even know how to. Anxious people don't want to hurt anybody -- they just want peace. In fact many of the anxious people started out secure before dealing with the avoidant's childish, selfish, inconsiderate, deceptive, life-destroying behavior. You'll never find peace trying to make it work with an avoidant. Just tell them "don't bleed on the person who didn't cut you" and if they still do... walk away.
Anxious people when triggered act like petulant children and have zero control over their emotions making them not suitable partners unless they get help and are self-aware.
If you pay close attention, you may find that it's much more complicated than "they're selfish". They're in fight or flight mode pretty much all the time, and they don't even know it. They don't even know what "peace" feels like. Figure out how to give them peace in your presence, and they will show you what you mean to them.
@Ridingrules10000 You're assuming an avoidant wants peace. I've had it made painfully clear to me by a very sef-aware avoidant that they prefer the chaos and the drama. Even though they know it won't end well, they continue down that path... over and over. Being with a calm & loving person can be enough to set them off.
1:45 and an alcoholic is someone who learned that they are safe when they are drunk. Now go willingly and have an relationship with an alcoholic. I'm married with an avoidant woman. Two years of couple therapy and things shift just a little bit. Why someone who is aware of this would willingly choose this is beyond me ( not really, it's the "i can fix her" mentality).
The avoidant woman can end up making an anxious/fearful avoidant man to over pursue putting too much pressure on the relationship causing the woman to leave.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Im phrasing it in a way of two blissfully unaware people. Avoidant women can for sure you do things triggering the other person whether it’s intentional or not. I’m not casting blame I’m just explaining the dynamic. That’s also another bad mindset as if you’ve never done anything wrong whether you knew it or not.
@@Spencer_R1 who said anything about not ever doing anything wrong? I didn't say that. I said nobody makes you do anything. If you choose to chase or over pursue, that's on you. There's a reason behind why you do it and those are your wounds to heal. If someone triggers me, that's on me and the same with an avoidant's partner. We can be triggered and still have enough self-control not to act on it.
The "protection strategy" is dangerous, to the relationship... The harsh criticism doesn't come from the majority thinking they're bad humans. I believe you said you used to be avoidant, so I understand you having your perspective. People will typically choose too much over too little. Especially when it comes to romance; although it all exists on a spectrum.
There is lots of judgment to go around. Anxious people get called too needy, co-dependent, weak, and clingy. Avoidant people are misunderstood and called irresponsible, cold, unreliable, selfish, or worse...
Yes exactly. And having a perspective like yours is exactly how you can make it work with an avoidant. Of course that's if the interest level is high and there's love. ❤️
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidantno you cant. Even if you do everything "right", its a losing game. If you give them conplete dustance, nothing develops between you and if you want ANY develooment, it destroys the connection. With avoidants you get an initial small amount of connection and its like a finite resource used up in any interaction. And when it gets low they get scared. And that fear turns into degrading their partners, abuse, cheating, lies and gaslighting. And worst of all: they will blame their partners for it and call them "insecure" when they have an adequate emotional reaction to being abused by a loved one. There is nothing anyone could do to somehow magically stop the abuse and refill the storage of attraction or openess with avoidants. They need someone new to feel anything again.
@@earlgrey2130 what you're describing has zero to do with an avoidant attachment. Avoidants avoid conflict therefore we don't degrade, abuse, lie, cheat and gaslight. However, some anxious attachers and narcissists can implement these behaviors. Any and all avoidants I know are loyal once in a committed relationship and they certainly do not abuse anyone. If they're interested in a relationship with you they will work with you.
Everything you said is pretty accurate. I agree with your strategies, however, not in an already tumultuous relationship. If you show up anxious in any capacity, or too avoidant then try implementing these strategies it's not going to be that easy. We lose trust pretty quickly. Just one offense will never be forgotten. Then as they continue we will put each offense into a file we have compartmentalized in our brain until that file cabinet overflows and we call it a day. So when I read people saying "They just up and left out of nowhere." it's hard for me to believe. We will up and leave if we know you're going to make it impossible for us to break it off with you after a bunch of arguing or if it's only been a few months and we're barely dating. Bottom line, we want easy relationships. There's really no need for conflict. You know who you're getting involved with ahead of time. If the things you originally loved and accepted about your partner start getting to you, that's on you. We're not going to contort ourselves into a marionette to please you. If that's what you're looking for then probably best to date someone who leans more anxious.
""Just one offense will never be forgotten. Then as they continue we will put each offense into a file we have compartmentalized in our brain until that file cabinet overflows and we call it a day."" ""You know who you're getting involved with ahead of time. If the things you originally loved and accepted about your partner start getting to you, that's on you."" the irony.
Everyone wants easy relationships but that's not how relationships work. That's an unrealistic expectation. There will be conflict and you should be equipped to handle it. And handling it doesn't mean needing massive amounts of space. You know who you're getting involved with ahead of time? How so? How exactly do you know someone before you know them? And that's leaving a aside the apparently common experience of avoidant people going all in and being really affectionate and lovebombing only to pull away after a few months. Your line about contorting yourselves and being marionettes takes the cake though. As if that isn't exactly what you demand of your partners. You want everything to be easy and free from any conflict or stress. Do you know how you get that? You turn the other person into a people pleaser that will do exactly what's needed at all times to keep you comfortable, while completely disregarding their own needs. You are correct about dating someone else though. No one should date avoidant people. It's a massive waste of time and energy. They prefer to be alone and they should be left alone.
@scottverge938 we can handle conflict, we just have no interest in doing that with someone we don't see a future with. Why would we? If you're still in the first year of dating and here you come with your bullshit then we're good. Conflict actually isn't necessary. If you learn to be an adult and casually address things on the spot before tension starts then it's nipped in the bud before an argument ensues. Any adult who manages conflict through any means aside from a calm conversation needs to put their emotions and anger in check. Nobody wants that negative crap energy around them. I don't date people pleasers. I find them unattractive. There's a normal balance of doing nice things for each other without being a simp. That's why I only date secure or self-aware avoidants with a secure lean. I've been involved with the same man for the past 4 years and because we're adults, we can have vulnerable conversations without worrying about the other person getting all ridiculous. You are correct. If you are an emotionally unstable individual who can't contain themselves then you should definitely not date an avoidant or anyone for that matter. We don't want to date you either so we can agree on that.
Thats where you're wrong. Its not on them that "things start getting to you". That is your avoidant side looking for ways to self sabotage. You could date the perfect man with the perfect reaction everytime and you'd still find reasons to lose interest. Also, you must be mature enough by now to understand that there are no "easy relationships". The thing you look for doesn't exist. What you confuse it with is the inital honeymoonphase of getting with someone new. That can't last. With anyone. Ever. Its chemiically impossible. So you keep attracting, hurting and discarding people. And its 100% your own damage. Just that you destroy their lifes by traumatizing them. You are like an emotional serial abuser as an avoidant. Help yourself and protect others by staying alone snd doing the decade of therapy needed before you date. I know its unfair. You didnt chose to be like this. But neither did pedophiles and they need to stop hurting others too. We dont get to put our desires over other peoples mental health. Applies to everyone, including you.
I hate giving space “Care about me by not talking to me” Because they feel unsafe I’m tired of this grandpa Feels like everyone avoids me and I just want the closeness I’m initially given. I’m not trying to hurt anyone I just get addicted to attention that is initially CONSISTENT. I get attracted and used to that consistency.
They aren't worth my time or effort I'm so done with avoidant women who cry they want good communicators but shut down when being given what they supposedly want.
Pretty sure ive got some avoidant traits. Dude though. One thing ill mention that ive noticed more so lately with meeting people online is, Text conversations, while initially getting to know someone is great. It can cause more issues than not. For example, simply by replying hours or days later, can instantly result in severed connections. This underlying behavior of people becoming in constant communication with their next lover, right out of the gate, in my opinion, is unhealthy. Yall mess yourselves up when someone doesn't resond that day or days later, come up w/ theories, start playing games, change up on em, ect. Side note: If you're on social media, and you post content talking shit on the other gender and are always negative about it. You're still hurting, tryna heal. Why even date? Insecurities will come out more. Probably date fr the wrong reasons. Anyways, long story short. The dating scene is in discord and social media sucks.
dude i was JUST watching your other video with the similar title. i started dating this frickin model. hottest girl ive ever seen. she came onto me very strongly at a house party. im 28 shes 23. we exchanged numbers and have been on 2 dates (played pool, restaurant, then we make out in front of her apartment). she recently said she told her mom about me and she keeps hinting that shes not seeing other guys. she's coming on very strong. she has a lot of casual sex typically (ive heard from other people) and im assuming she detaches after. she keeps holding back from sex at the end of the dates with me and most recently said "everything goes downhill after that". seems like she's afraid she will lose interest in me after sex. its actually really sad. she said she was hit as a kid, she said she's typically avoidant. we have an insane amount of chemistry. i dont even care about the sex im just concerned that she'll lose interest after getting intimate OR if i dont push to get intimate she will get bored of me. i know i should walk away but im utterly obsessed. (but ive masked all of this and she has no idea im THAT into her. she thinks shes the one who is more interested.) any advice people?
Tell her what you want. If she's a party girl who likes to have sex, but she's afraid that sex will ruin her relationship with you, then she has some work to do on herself. She will friend zone you into oblivion and be thirsty all the time, just not for you. And it's not because she isn't attracted to you. Her fear of intimacy will overpower her attraction to anyone she gets close to. If she's really attractive, it's easier for her to continually move to the next relationship than it is to look inside. If she's not self aware and wanting to change, she won't change.
Similar situation as me. She gonna leave if you slip up once because she has alternatives. The power move is to leave her first once you see signs she is a true avoidant lol mine left me and i never turned back. Do not make her your gf, only see casually.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant How is he obsessed. He just said he likes her. Can't a guy state his romantic intentions for a female without being labeled obsessed these days? What a joke of a world we live in these days.
I would like a list of statements a whole long list of them something that you may accumulate over years something you put in a website or PDF that you can email and get for free
Uhh because at some point they agreed and just abandoning them at the first sign is just as bad? Avoiding someone does not tell the other person ANYTHING.
It's like inviting someone to your birthday party, only to snatch their present for you out of their hands and then slam the door into their face, leaving them on the front porch!
The problem is YOU arnt being avoided, emotion / vulnerability are. You are , generally speaking, IN the consensual relationship …. But confused and probably frustrated that ‘normal everyday’ problems get ignored and brushed under the carpet.
Watched all your other videos about dating an avoidant woman. I learned about the attachment style, worked on my own „more anxious“ attachment. Gave her space, didn’t criticize, etc.
But the moment I expressed my desires, wants and needs which weren’t overbearing to be honest, she took everything as an attack, called me „highly insecure and needy“ and then ended the relationship.
We met only once a week because she couldn’t more. Never initiated anything on our days where we weren’t together, multiple hours to answer me and all of this bullshit.
I wouldn’t say I’m secure or anxious, perhaps something in between, but when you see only passive behavior for months straight. Texting first, reaching out first, attempting to build an emotional connection, talking openly in conflicts but you’re met with stonewalling, silent treatment, blaming, selfish defensiveness, … you get pushed towards anxious.
Been trying over and over to make this work, but people IT IS NOT WORTH IT. You will burn yourself out, start questioning yourself and your worth. Just do yourself a favor and go for someone emotionally available.
@@jovenm.3790 Amen
Well put. I just lived it this fall. Can't say I'd ever date someone who's fearful avoidant again. Plus, some of them are already looking for, or connecting with, a new person (or people) before your dating relationship ends. They need to heal by working through the trauma they've experienced. Misleading, using, and discarding the good people who care about them is hurtful behavior.
Once or twice a week is pretty ok for working adults. Her reaction is not.
Completely agree. I'm never dating an avoidant woman again. EVER.
100% well written here. I wasted 6 years.
I'm surprised Conor puts out videos like this - we all know these relationships don't work.
I don’t know how you can sit there and say avoidants are not “damaged.” All of their behaviour is dysfunctional, immature and toxic. They are demonized the most because they break their own hearts and others.
Very true
They are "demonized" for tons of reasons.
Agreed. One recently hurt me. That said, I'd like to hear any success stories. Many are pouring their hearts out on the internet because of the person they lost. What about the relationships that survive?
Pro tip. Don’t date them.
After dating an avoidant woman, I will NEVER date an avoidant one again. EVER. Why would you want one that will prioritize herself when the sh*t hits the fan and shut down and/or run? Find a securely attached woman instead.
Yes yes and YES
I dated 4 DAs coming out from very toxic relationships and I never felt so unimportant or low value in those women eyes ... No empathy, just selfishness. Didn't get intimate with any of them. I got the kissing as the most intimate thing ... Become secure person with boundaries and don't deal with them, you are wasting your time and nerves as they mostly can't change. Run.
I met this woman 4 years ago. Older than me but still pretty attractive. We got involved but for a long, long time I never took her seriously. Not that I didnt want to, but because of her weird behaviour. Never met anyone like her before. At the same time she wanted "exclusivity" from me, she never wanted to hold hands in public, never introduced me to her family nor would she show any hability to communicate in a loving way. Not a single compliment, for instance. Time went by and I came to know she never had a relationship longer than 6 months. Keep in mind she was 40+. 4 years later, she is not my girlfriend anymore because dealing with her is exhausting. One interesting thing is that she always came after me when I broke up with her. And that happened A LOT of times. Its something that an avoidant supposedly would never do. During those 4 years, she was able to say things like "you are the love of my life" which is amazing to hear from an avoidant and she could recognize her toxic way of being. Still, I do not agree when you say they are not damaged. Yes, they totally are and at least this one was able to admit it and got better but its not enough when you go from negative points to just barelly acceptable...
On the other hand, I've had an anxious girlfriend and although not a perfect scenario, its easier to deal with. You really know when they like you and the only difficulty I've come across was her jealousy. For me its easier to deal with someone who is jealous than with someone who does not show love in a proper way. Jealousy can be childish and insecure but many times its really because the person likes you. Not knowing if the person really likes you or how much they do, its much harder to deal with imo.
Jealousy is so unattractive not to mention insecure and immature. I guess we all have our preferences. I can't stand jealous men.
@@Warrior_Princess_1111 Its unnactrative from your point of view as a female not so much for a guy. We dont care if a woman is insecure. Not saying is a great trait to have but I prefer some jealousy instead of indifference or cold behaviour
@ricardodulica6862 OMG, I had the same exact experience. She didn't like public displays of affection, never invited me to family events, kept our relationship in the closet, and always held me at arms length. It is emotionally exhausting. Thank you for sharing your experience.
@@milkphish4122 Thank you bro
Let her be someone else’s problem. Why settle for less?
I really appreciate bro because he has personally helped me heal my own avoidance issues and lead a non toxic relationship. But an avoidant attachment is more than just a style, like he says it’s a wound, and we all know “hurt people hurt people” so be very careful out there ya’ll. This wound can range in severity, like I said I’d say I’m a recovering avoidant myself. So please do your research on psychopathy - borderline personality and even narcissistic personality disorders - in both vulnerable/covert and grandiose/overt styles. He said it himself “self protection” is the key and never doubt how far someone will go to defend a fragile ego. I got myself into a lot of trouble thinking just because someone shares similar pains to me that we could both recover in a healthy manner. That is not the case 🙅🏻♂️ love in abundance - cherish those who are dear to you, but please pick your battles wisely, walk slowly, take your time and do not go head first into some else’s misery and codependency. Praying for y’all, thanks for reading. 💯
How to date an avoidant woman?
Don't.
She might be avoidant for you but she is anxiously attached to the guy she likes.
Amen brother.
They are NEVER avoidant for a guy that truly gives them the tingles.
You’re both 100% wrong. An avoidantly attached woman will leave the man she loves in typical avoidant fashion, they show up secure and strong initially then fade into their behaviours once it means something to them… a lot of shame and bottled up pain in an avoident’s heart. My DA ex told me she’s never been happier or loved anyone more as she walked out the door of a 2.5 year relationship, first time I saw her cry in 2.5 years too - nothing but pure grief and anguish from her, no anxious behaviour in sight.
@@norswil8763 One more reason not to date her. Why would someone want an avoidant partner when they can have securely attached partner.
The problem is: almost alk single women older than 35 are mentally problematic and mostly avoidants.
I'm dating an INFJ fearful avoidant woman right now and its hell, first 4 months she was really high interest and bombarding me all the time with texts and re-assurance, but suddenly just started taking 8 hours to reply and now its 1-2 messages a day. We still go on dates but it went from weekly to every 2-3 weeks. On the dates itself she's still really high interest and its like nothing happened. Her therapist also diagnosed her with CPTSD recently, which confirmed my doubts about her being fearful avoidant. Anyone else experience this?
Leave her
I would just ask if something is wrong when you are together. It's still good signs as long as she is not skipping dates and still going to a therapists
You are in for a world of hurt brother
Better to punt. So many better women out there. Why suffer?
You've got all the facts - cptsd, avoidant (an _insecure_ attachment style) and she's slowly fading already.
Insecurity is what's guaranteed! Not reliability.
Brace for impact and good luck. 🫡
I didn’t watch the video but the answer is don’t date an avoidant woman…. If the person hasn’t dealt with their trauma to become securely attached then they will not be able to be in a healthy relationship.
Is it just me or are most people - me included btw - broken/damaged these days?
Yes
yes I believe 100% to be exact
Dont. Even if you are safely attached. Avoidant people will destroy your life for years to come and cause you trauma and pain you'll never heal from. Just run away. There is no winning. These are the worst people you can ever run into.
Be aware that this guy defends them because he is one if them. But trust me, they ARE damaged. They ARE dangerous.
Yes
I have an avoidant gf. It is so frustrating but she is also a fantastic person.
shes a fantastic person to other men, too ;)
@@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g not all avoidents cheat
@@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g what do you mean?
@@erikn54she cheats bro. Avoidant women are like that. They csnt help it.
@@erikn54 he probably thinks that she will automatically cheat because she is an avoidant. But don't make assumption’s (about that/in general)
I supported my avoidant gf a lot bc she was unemployed. She took thousands of euros from me. We did not have any conflicts. Then she, out of the blue, she dumped me with smile.
A classic avoidant behaviour.
I don't understand why someone that is aware of and understands attachment styles would ever want a relationship with someone that's avoidant? Have some fun or a fling? Sure. But an actual relationship with someone that's going to actively avoid any sort of relationship vibes and will likely just discard you at some point when they're too triggered? That's insane.
I'm not advocating for seeking out a relationship with an avoidant person. The content is for the guys who have found themselves in relationship or married to an avoidant woman. If I was single, I wouldn't pursue avoidant women either and want men to go after secure women.
Anxious people aren't demonized because they don't act like demons. Avoidants, on the other hand will destroy you with no remorse. This video defends avoidants by saying they're just looking out for themselves first. That's just a sneaky way of saying they are selfish people. They do not care about you. -- they don't even know how to. Anxious people don't want to hurt anybody -- they just want peace. In fact many of the anxious people started out secure before dealing with the avoidant's childish, selfish, inconsiderate, deceptive, life-destroying behavior. You'll never find peace trying to make it work with an avoidant.
Just tell them "don't bleed on the person who didn't cut you" and if they still do... walk away.
Anxious people when triggered act like petulant children and have zero control over their emotions making them not suitable partners unless they get help and are self-aware.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant This is just your reaction to a secure person asking you to pass the butter at the dinner table.
If you pay close attention, you may find that it's much more complicated than "they're selfish". They're in fight or flight mode pretty much all the time, and they don't even know it. They don't even know what "peace" feels like. Figure out how to give them peace in your presence, and they will show you what you mean to them.
@Ridingrules10000 You're assuming an avoidant wants peace. I've had it made painfully clear to me by a very sef-aware avoidant that they prefer the chaos and the drama. Even though they know it won't end well, they continue down that path... over and over. Being with a calm & loving person can be enough to set them off.
@@reverendjim4184 come again?
Kinda seems like none of this is gonna work
1:45 and an alcoholic is someone who learned that they are safe when they are drunk. Now go willingly and have an relationship with an alcoholic.
I'm married with an avoidant woman. Two years of couple therapy and things shift just a little bit. Why someone who is aware of this would willingly choose this is beyond me ( not really, it's the "i can fix her" mentality).
wow! the first line hit differently.
I have just a friend who's avoidant like this. It's so frustrating at times.
The avoidant woman can end up making an anxious/fearful avoidant man to over pursue putting too much pressure on the relationship causing the woman to leave.
We don't make anyone do anything. You exist and move how you choose to.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Im phrasing it in a way of two blissfully unaware people. Avoidant women can for sure you do things triggering the other person whether it’s intentional or not. I’m not casting blame I’m just explaining the dynamic. That’s also another bad mindset as if you’ve never done anything wrong whether you knew it or not.
@@Spencer_R1 who said anything about not ever doing anything wrong? I didn't say that. I said nobody makes you do anything. If you choose to chase or over pursue, that's on you. There's a reason behind why you do it and those are your wounds to heal. If someone triggers me, that's on me and the same with an avoidant's partner. We can be triggered and still have enough self-control not to act on it.
@The_Whimsical_Avoidant , define "over pursue". Or is that my insecurity asking the question? 😅
@@Ridingrules10000 always being the one to want to hang out, always being the one making dates. Giving flowers or others things.
I triggered a FRIEND by saying something stupid and now I’m back in here
Gadddammit!!
do not do it.
The "protection strategy" is dangerous, to the relationship... The harsh criticism doesn't come from the majority thinking they're bad humans. I believe you said you used to be avoidant, so I understand you having your perspective. People will typically choose too much over too little. Especially when it comes to romance; although it all exists on a spectrum.
Honest, honorable comment
There is lots of judgment to go around. Anxious people get called too needy, co-dependent, weak, and clingy. Avoidant people are misunderstood and called irresponsible, cold, unreliable, selfish, or worse...
*Understanding her attachment style can help you navigate the relationship better.*
Except most do not show it until they are walking away....
@@tarkov_6 ⬆️ That! 🎯
Yes exactly. And having a perspective like yours is exactly how you can make it work with an avoidant. Of course that's if the interest level is high and there's love. ❤️
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidantno you cant. Even if you do everything "right", its a losing game. If you give them conplete dustance, nothing develops between you and if you want ANY develooment, it destroys the connection. With avoidants you get an initial small amount of connection and its like a finite resource used up in any interaction. And when it gets low they get scared. And that fear turns into degrading their partners, abuse, cheating, lies and gaslighting. And worst of all: they will blame their partners for it and call them "insecure" when they have an adequate emotional reaction to being abused by a loved one. There is nothing anyone could do to somehow magically stop the abuse and refill the storage of attraction or openess with avoidants. They need someone new to feel anything again.
@@earlgrey2130 what you're describing has zero to do with an avoidant attachment. Avoidants avoid conflict therefore we don't degrade, abuse, lie, cheat and gaslight. However, some anxious attachers and narcissists can implement these behaviors. Any and all avoidants I know are loyal once in a committed relationship and they certainly do not abuse anyone. If they're interested in a relationship with you they will work with you.
Everything you said is pretty accurate. I agree with your strategies, however, not in an already tumultuous relationship. If you show up anxious in any capacity, or too avoidant then try implementing these strategies it's not going to be that easy. We lose trust pretty quickly. Just one offense will never be forgotten. Then as they continue we will put each offense into a file we have compartmentalized in our brain until that file cabinet overflows and we call it a day. So when I read people saying "They just up and left out of nowhere." it's hard for me to believe. We will up and leave if we know you're going to make it impossible for us to break it off with you after a bunch of arguing or if it's only been a few months and we're barely dating.
Bottom line, we want easy relationships. There's really no need for conflict. You know who you're getting involved with ahead of time. If the things you originally loved and accepted about your partner start getting to you, that's on you. We're not going to contort ourselves into a marionette to please you. If that's what you're looking for then probably best to date someone who leans more anxious.
""Just one offense will never be forgotten. Then as they continue we will put each offense into a file we have compartmentalized in our brain until that file cabinet overflows and we call it a day.""
""You know who you're getting involved with ahead of time. If the things you originally loved and accepted about your partner start getting to you, that's on you.""
the irony.
@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g how so?
Everyone wants easy relationships but that's not how relationships work. That's an unrealistic expectation. There will be conflict and you should be equipped to handle it. And handling it doesn't mean needing massive amounts of space.
You know who you're getting involved with ahead of time? How so? How exactly do you know someone before you know them? And that's leaving a aside the apparently common experience of avoidant people going all in and being really affectionate and lovebombing only to pull away after a few months.
Your line about contorting yourselves and being marionettes takes the cake though. As if that isn't exactly what you demand of your partners. You want everything to be easy and free from any conflict or stress. Do you know how you get that? You turn the other person into a people pleaser that will do exactly what's needed at all times to keep you comfortable, while completely disregarding their own needs.
You are correct about dating someone else though. No one should date avoidant people. It's a massive waste of time and energy. They prefer to be alone and they should be left alone.
@scottverge938 we can handle conflict, we just have no interest in doing that with someone we don't see a future with. Why would we? If you're still in the first year of dating and here you come with your bullshit then we're good. Conflict actually isn't necessary. If you learn to be an adult and casually address things on the spot before tension starts then it's nipped in the bud before an argument ensues. Any adult who manages conflict through any means aside from a calm conversation needs to put their emotions and anger in check. Nobody wants that negative crap energy around them.
I don't date people pleasers. I find them unattractive. There's a normal balance of doing nice things for each other without being a simp. That's why I only date secure or self-aware avoidants with a secure lean. I've been involved with the same man for the past 4 years and because we're adults, we can have vulnerable conversations without worrying about the other person getting all ridiculous.
You are correct. If you are an emotionally unstable individual who can't contain themselves then you should definitely not date an avoidant or anyone for that matter. We don't want to date you either so we can agree on that.
Thats where you're wrong. Its not on them that "things start getting to you". That is your avoidant side looking for ways to self sabotage. You could date the perfect man with the perfect reaction everytime and you'd still find reasons to lose interest.
Also, you must be mature enough by now to understand that there are no "easy relationships". The thing you look for doesn't exist. What you confuse it with is the inital honeymoonphase of getting with someone new. That can't last. With anyone. Ever. Its chemiically impossible. So you keep attracting, hurting and discarding people. And its 100% your own damage. Just that you destroy their lifes by traumatizing them. You are like an emotional serial abuser as an avoidant. Help yourself and protect others by staying alone snd doing the decade of therapy needed before you date. I know its unfair. You didnt chose to be like this. But neither did pedophiles and they need to stop hurting others too. We dont get to put our desires over other peoples mental health. Applies to everyone, including you.
Don`t date avoidant women. Period.
Just save yourself the heartache and stay away from them.
They can't even COMPLIMENT someone.
I hate giving space
“Care about me by not talking to me”
Because they feel unsafe
I’m tired of this grandpa
Feels like everyone avoids me and I just want the closeness I’m initially given.
I’m not trying to hurt anyone I just get addicted to attention that is initially CONSISTENT. I get attracted and used to that consistency.
Bro you sound co dependent
@ if I’m being independent I don’t need anyone.
@ how would you like it if you saw someone every other day again they just pull out?
You ok with that? Because I call bullshit if you are.
@ everyone says to be more ok alone
When I’m ok with being alone I want no one. Then they beg. Then I get pulled back in to this shit.
They aren't worth my time or effort I'm so done with avoidant women who cry they want good communicators but shut down when being given what they supposedly want.
Interview Steve Mayeda and coach Kyle
If you are clear
They’re still gonna probably pull away right?
What’s the point? Does that works?
Kind of sounds like dealing with a little kid
Pretty sure ive got some avoidant traits. Dude though. One thing ill mention that ive noticed more so lately with meeting people online is, Text conversations, while initially getting to know someone is great. It can cause more issues than not. For example, simply by replying hours or days later, can instantly result in severed connections. This underlying behavior of people becoming in constant communication with their next lover, right out of the gate, in my opinion, is unhealthy. Yall mess yourselves up when someone doesn't resond that day or days later, come up w/ theories, start playing games, change up on em, ect. Side note: If you're on social media, and you post content talking shit on the other gender and are always negative about it. You're still hurting, tryna heal. Why even date? Insecurities will come out more. Probably date fr the wrong reasons. Anyways, long story short. The dating scene is in discord and social media sucks.
dude i was JUST watching your other video with the similar title.
i started dating this frickin model. hottest girl ive ever seen. she came onto me very strongly at a house party. im 28 shes 23. we exchanged numbers and have been on 2 dates (played pool, restaurant, then we make out in front of her apartment). she recently said she told her mom about me and she keeps hinting that shes not seeing other guys. she's coming on very strong.
she has a lot of casual sex typically (ive heard from other people) and im assuming she detaches after. she keeps holding back from sex at the end of the dates with me and most recently said "everything goes downhill after that". seems like she's afraid she will lose interest in me after sex. its actually really sad.
she said she was hit as a kid, she said she's typically avoidant.
we have an insane amount of chemistry. i dont even care about the sex im just concerned that she'll lose interest after getting intimate OR if i dont push to get intimate she will get bored of me.
i know i should walk away but im utterly obsessed. (but ive masked all of this and she has no idea im THAT into her. she thinks shes the one who is more interested.)
any advice people?
What are you hoping this turns into? Being obsessed is never a good start.
Tell her what you want. If she's a party girl who likes to have sex, but she's afraid that sex will ruin her relationship with you, then she has some work to do on herself. She will friend zone you into oblivion and be thirsty all the time, just not for you. And it's not because she isn't attracted to you. Her fear of intimacy will overpower her attraction to anyone she gets close to. If she's really attractive, it's easier for her to continually move to the next relationship than it is to look inside. If she's not self aware and wanting to change, she won't change.
Similar situation as me. She gonna leave if you slip up once because she has alternatives. The power move is to leave her first once you see signs she is a true avoidant lol mine left me and i never turned back. Do not make her your gf, only see casually.
you're toast.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant How is he obsessed. He just said he likes her. Can't a guy state his romantic intentions for a female without being labeled obsessed these days? What a joke of a world we live in these days.
Don't do it.
See also; How to pull out your own teeth with pliers and no anaesthesia
yes sir im ready with pliers, just waiting for your clarification - all of them, or just some ?
@@rando9574 All of them and the tounge
I would like a list of statements a whole long list of them something that you may accumulate over years something you put in a website or PDF that you can email and get for free
Bruh, really 😂
Isn’t this considered harassment? Why are you entitled to dating her even if she’s avoiding you!!
Uhh because at some point they agreed and just abandoning them at the first sign is just as bad? Avoiding someone does not tell the other person ANYTHING.
It's like inviting someone to your birthday party, only to snatch their present for you out of their hands and then slam the door into their face, leaving them on the front porch!
The problem is YOU arnt being avoided, emotion / vulnerability are. You are , generally speaking, IN the consensual relationship …. But confused and probably frustrated that ‘normal everyday’ problems get ignored and brushed under the carpet.