It is scary, and depressing, how I see myself when you describe her. It's like you and I have been together. I'm also bipolar. And I've just ended another possible serious relationship with a girl. Though, this time, it didn't really quite get to a serious point. Thank God - for her. So she's gonna have an easier time to move on and forget about me. But I know what people like us can do to people like you. I'm 30 years old. And it's been like this for as long as I remember. I can definitely say that bipolar disorder has absolutely sabotaged and pretty much retarded my social life. I see friends and family members get married, have kids, build lives with their partners. While I'm still this strange, lonely cousin or brother, or son. Who's always single. And it hurts. But it also makes me incredibly angry. For the stress that I cause in other people. For having this problem I can't cure. And for abandoning loved ones and cutting friends off. It's an incredibly selfish illness, in an endless loop. And it's exhausting. When the charred-black dog rears its ugly head, hell unleashes in our minds. In a way, I'm glad I've never really met an amazing girl like you. I could never forgive myself if I put a kind heart like yours through something like that. ..I don't know your ex. But I would guess that she's aware of what she's lost. She must be. I know I always am. But of course, bipolar people have nothing else in common but their illness. The people behind the illness are still different. I always see the damage I cause. I walk through the triggered minefield and look at every bomb crater, and remember the war and the casualties over and over again, inside my head. I twist and turn. And yes, I also suffer from "PTSD" in a way. Before we ruin it, the voices in our heads never stop until we finally act on them. And once we ruin it, the voices become silent, but the echoes never fade. Of course, the voice is always us. It's not insanity. It's hyper-sensitivity. It's insecurities. Fueled by terrible imagination. The problem is that everything is always cranked up to eleven. Or down to zero. Very rarely, you find yourself in between. You snap out of it for a moment. Just a little moment of peace. Then back into the fire you go. I'm sure she didn't just shrug you off like that, though. The reason we overreact, and cut off all ties, is because we are too afraid to get hurt. So we end it before they can "stab us" (which is something the other person usually never even intended to do). If there's one thing we can't shake off, it's emotions. And there's always an incredible amount of shame . ..I've known this girl for 2 years now. And it's been on and off, but it was never quite fully on. Now, it's off for good. "Forever." As she put it. I broke the camels back with an elephant playing a piano. At the same time, though, I tend to attract people who are a litte damaged themselves, like I am. So they usually return the fire and cause a lot of hurt, too. I'm in the same position as you are, while being in the same position your ex is. I am also trying to get to a place I used to be before I met her. A "calmer" version of me. Where it was easier to breathe. So I can reset. Right now I'm spiraling down from the whole thing. Into a dark place I know by heart. With my eyes closed I can walk through it, and up the stairs again. And every time I leave more of myself down there in the muddy waters. Anyone would have every right to hate people like us. I am absolutely sure you will get over this, though. I can see your friends and family just by seeing you, hearing you talk. Without even knowing about your personal life. You have the support you need, I'm sure. That will help a lot. And it's gonna be time. As always. The reason this may be worse than those other times is because this is very different from what you've experienced so far. If I understand correctly. This was a girl. It was a different and very new flavor of love. Probably much more intense. So this will hurt bad. It's just gonna take time. You have to cut all ties. Completely. It is over. Don't worry. I can tell your heart can't be damaged. Because you love and respect yourself. That's the key element here. People like us don't know what that means. Drink from the well of your self and begin again. Good luck.
I don't know how I came across these two videos but it's amazing. I feel like I'm in a relationship with the "male" version of your "Penny Lane". I felt like I was looking in a mirror with everything you were feeling and saying; I'm going through it right now. I felt like I was crazy until I watched this!!! Thank you so much for doing this video and I'm totally grateful to you, you have NO idea the strength and confidence you just sparked & installed back into me! Forever grateful!!! 💕
You have taken the words out of my mouth. Every single word and tear. I just went through EXACTLY what you went through. You have no clue how watching both of your videos is helping me understand what happened and is giving me tons of peace. That uncertainty was was killing me but now I feel I made the right choice. I was dating someone with Bipolar Disorder and honestly, I didn't know much about it so when she told me two months into our relationship I didn't think it would break me and damage me as much as it did. It wasn't her that damaged me but the uncertainty of what was going on. A human heart demands to be desired in a relationship. Long story short: She was very affectionate, attentive, caring, inviting, supportive, even a bit latchy and very loving for the first three months of us officially being together. I fell in love and she'd even talk about how much in love she was falling in with me. She said it first... then me. All was so beautiful until three weeks ago.. from one day to another everything completely stopped. Cold Turkey!! Completely the opposite of what she was.. now dry, simple, distant, inattentive, forgetful, bland, even rejected me so I felt. From constant daily communication now, it turned into going up to three days without hearing from her. That triggered separation anxiety in me and it was ugly. The uncertainty was something I've never felt before and that destroyed my peace. When I'd finally see her, I felt reenergized. She'd be everything beautiful she was but it was when I wasn't with her that I think made her intervert. She said she was on a combination of medications that made her numb. I tried to break up with her once and she cried.. So I told her about our severed connection. We were gonna work on it but it actually got worse cause now she'd ignore my calls. I feel I shot a puppy breaking up with her but My peace was obsolete at that moment and I needed to be in peace.. not even happy just calm. I didn't know much about the disorder when I broke up with her but now the peace comes from knowing exactly what happened and YOU helped me so much to see it. Now I know she was warning me with insinuations. I think back and all the signs where there. She'd never want to plan and always talked about living in the present. Hated to plan. Now I know she was feeling the mood swing coming when she told me '.. you know, there's gonna be a moment where it's gonna be hard for me to say what I really feel..' I didn't think much of it cause I said, '..don't say it then, just prove it by doing it..' Thank you for your videos!! I stay in peace by keeping busy and going to the gym. Not thinking about her or the happy moments we had. Very unfortunate but it's the only way I can get through this and it's been two weeks. I do feel so much better and I know I'll feel even better in another week. I did fall in love with her and I still do miss her but only time will tell if we ever meet again. :)
I feel your pain as I've been in your position quite a few times and ended up feeling like I was worth less on coming out of the relationship. After a handful of failed relationships I ended up researching the various (the most common) mental disorders such as bipolar, depression, BPD, etc. And I created some rules that have drastically helped me maintain a healthy relationship (whether it be with someone with a condition or not) and a healthy view of myself. 1. You cannot fix your partner. Do not try. You are not a hero/saviour/white knight. It is not your job and you will only decrease your self worth and push them away. The only person who can help them improve is themselves. Point out the issue, be brutally honest, if they disregard it or become aggressive simply just leave. They are not prepared to accept it and thus won't improve. Don't waste your time and energy. 2. When they push you away or try to tell you it won't work, accept it. Don't comfort them or try to reassure them that you'll "never leave". Simply say something like "I don't want that, I care for you, but it's your choice". You must never chase them. This gives them power and gives you the role of someone they can walk on, yet still be accepted by when their other pursuits fail. 3. Your emotions and happiness but be independent and self contained. Be happy in yourself, because of yourself. Do not rely on them for you to be happy or confident because when the bad days come (and they will) you must be able to shrug off and ignore whatever deluded conspiracies, thoughts, and ideas their minds have concocted. 4. Learn the warning signs of a "shift" they are always there, if you can't see them then you merely aren't looking well enough. 5. Learn the difference between attacking and defending. In an argument, if they attack you (whether it be physical, mental, or verbal) your natural response will be to feed the fire by throwing an insult or "attacking" them in return. Do not fall prey to this. Learn to defend. Block off, deflect, and ignore these attacks whilst holding your ground. If you are able to say something (preferably a question) that will make them stop and think, then this will help a lot. 6. Be constant and dependable. No matter how spontaneous or independent someone is everyone needs routine and stable ground beneath them. 7. Accept their mood. More often than not what was said and felt yesterday won't carry over to today. Accept it. Their view of you may have changed, or their likes/dislikes, or their view of them self even. Deal with the now and what is to come. 8. Prioritise yourself, your happiness, and your personal growth. Keep busy, make plans, pick up hobbies, and learn new things. It may sound selfish but if you don't love yourself/are happy in yourself how could you ever expect to make someone else happy? I'd simply like to state that I have not been trained or studied in psychology, I have not been on dating courses or read any self help books. This is simply what I have learnt in my time dating and dealing with people with certain mental conditions. I hope it can help, but if something doesn't work for you do not see it as Gods law. Modify or straight out delete it.
Thank you for sharing this. It has been my recovery journey too. I loved my ex (Bipolar I) enormously. It's hard to reconcile the fallout of a relationship that was both the healthiest/most loving, and the unhealthiest and most toxic. I feel your pain, heartbreak, confusion, frustration, and fear. I just keep trying to remember that just because they didn't mean to hurt us, doesn't make our pain any less real. It's been such a hard learned lesson... a lot like being punished for a crime you didn't commit. But the upside to all of it, is, I will never compromise my needs for a romantic partner ever again. We can love them from a safe enough distance to ensure our mental and physical well being, and we can place hard boundaries on loved ones who refuse to take responsibility for their own health. Even if it means cutting them out of our lives, if necessary. We are stronger for trouncing our trauma.
Wow! I could not have said any of this better. This is my life currently with a little over a month after breakup and no contact with an unmedicated and in denial bipolar. So very sad and heart breaking.
I'm in the midst of a toxic relationship with my bipolar boyfriend and it just helps that you made this like I'm crying with you. I can't even talk about this relationship with anyone there's so much I can't do I'm so limited and I'm losing myself too. I feel alone and he's like the only person I have at this point. anyways thank you. thanks for making this
I'm a bit late to the party...but thank you so much for making this video. I've been in a roller coaster relationship with a lady who is Bipolar for just a few months...but hearing your story really hit home for me. Her first episode happened just a few weeks into dating...one day things were wonderful...the next she'd be depressed and moody. She'd disappear with no contact whatsoever for a week...then she'd come back and want to reconnect. I didn't know her exact condition until our second breakup...but we'd get barely two weeks of good times and then she'd have an episode and disappear again. After a few months of this I have become mentally exhausted...for such a new relationship this was just too much to deal with. Like you, friends and family would all say "just leave"...but how could they know what the good times were like? Just walking around town, hand in hand with someone who made you so happy...it was pure bliss. And then to lose that person and have them disappear like you didn't mean anything to them...it hurts more than words can ever express. After I took her back the last time I knew it was wrong...each time I'd work through my initial hurt and be moving on...and then she'd be calling me, wanting to get back together. Swearing it would be different...no more disappearing. But this last time...she's been incognito for over a week now and it's finally the last straw. All of this back and forth has caused me to fall out of love with her...and when she does reach out to me, it will be my time to walk away for good. I've been lost, sad, gained a lot of weight and constantly worried about her. No more! Part of me will always love her...but even as a survivor of mental illness myself...I just can't do this anymore. Thank you, Nicole...for sharing...I hope you have healed and life is beautiful for you again. :)
Ah...here I am, four months later watching this video again and wanting to bang my head on the keyboard. After a few months apart I ended up getting back together with my ex. We had some good times...then lots of not so good times...and I found myself exhausted and right back where we started. It seems like a foolish decision looking back now...but at least this time there was some resolution...and we both knew, that it was over for good this time. So much more I could share here but it is far too personal...I hope some of you folks out there can make it work. Good luck to you all, whatever path you need to take. :)
I've never watched a youtube video and related to a total stranger.... everything you said in your relationship I was able to see myself and my partner... I also have anxiety and panic attacks... and my partner (or ex) is bipolar... I feel better knowing that someone else really get's it.. .you get it... and I get what you went through because I went through the same thing and it blows... god bless...
You are not stupid. I do the same thing all the time. It's cause YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, WITH A GOOD HEART. And you love and care and want the best out of the situation and thinking things will change. But, sometimes you can't change how people are. My ex played a similar game with me as friends. Not with bipolar disorder, but intentionally. I relate to everything you went through, completely. And then it's like you're fine cause you stop talking to them for a while, and then it's like as soon as you're okay, "OH HERE I AM AGAIN!" I never wanted to give up on my ex or friends that hurt me and I constantly let back in my life. But you have to do that no matter how hard it is. I used to look to the future for happiness, but you can't say "yeah I'll be happy tomorrow" cause you don't know if you will or not. I'm happy from what I do in my life with youtube, school, fiancé, friends, family, pets, makeup, etc. I didn't have the support system I have a few years ago, and I can say I have moments where I'm upset but I realize that there's so many people that love and care, why should I be sad or depressed about whatever I'm upset about? There's no need, at all. It's a horrible cycle, and again I love you, even if you don't know me. This situation only makes you a stronger and wiser person! Make you happy!
I'm looking me in a mirror! I feel all you pain like mine ! I am going through the same ! I can't think I can't sleep because of this!!! I losing control of my thoughts and myself!!!
Thank you for being so raw and honest in your video. I have bipolar disorder and I haven't wanted to date anyone because I haven't felt like I've taken care of myself well enough before bringing another person in. I don't know the right words to say, but I think it was good for me to see this from the other side and to know that my decision to back off was a good idea. Thank you again for being so brave and baring it all for all of us here on RUclips. You're a beautiful person inside and out.
ok i was nearly in tears in the beginning but as soon as you mentioned ur relationship with Talia the waterworks started. i knew u guys were close and i know we all miss her but i think sometimes people miss the "youtube talia" or the "famous girl from ellen" and don't realize that for some people, like u, it was pretty much losing a friend. not pretty much, it WAS. someone u text, talk to everyday, go to for advice….. If i lost one of best friends my world would change. I know u say ur not strong but even to be comfortable doing a video this personal and even mentioning ur relationship with not only Penny but Talia…. THATS STRENGTH. i would collapse. U ARE SO STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL NICOLE!
It's self preservation...you had to walk away. You get sucked into their world and you end up thinking that you are the one that has a problem. It's hard I know...but I'm glad you love yourself enough to walk away.
Sometimes it is true love that will get you out of that rut. That is what happened with me and my husband. And a person who truly genuinely loves you is going to love you for you and that means your ups and your downs! If they fall in love with you when you are down imagine how much they will be head over heels with you in your ups! You are an amazing girl and never forget it. Anyone would be lucky to have you! Stay strong and remember it will take time but with this huge support system you have here on RUclips and in your personal life you can get through this! You will be back to your old self in no time! XoXo!!
You have such a big heart. Watching this video makes me want to give you a hug. I know exactly how you feel and I too am one of those people who will stick through A LOT for the people that I care about. I'm a "fixer/nurturer." If I see someone suffering (because of mental illness or past abuse) I want to help them. With my borderline ex, I wanted so badly to teach him that not everyone was out to hurt him; that there are good people in the world; and that he was worth loving. He was extremely verbally abusive at times and at others he would praise me. The manipulation... I couldn't stick with it and remain true to myself and or maintain happiness. It was difficult, like you, I would always take him back even though we broke up like 8-10 times in a six month period. It's hard to walk away, but you sort of have this moment where you realize that you don't know who you are anymore because you've poured so much of yourself into that other person and having to ride the ever-changing highs and lows has worn you down. I hope you are better now (as I said on pt. 1) and I am sorry if this brings up any negative or unresolved feelings. Be well and always remember to love yourself.
I can't thank you enough for making and sharing this video. I am in tears right now. I also have anxiety, but I am aware of when I need to do a self evaluation. I was beginning to believe that I was crazy, I just got out of marriage with a verbally abusive man, and to get into another stressful situation is ludicrous. I know what you mean regarding just leaving. I feel so guilty for just giving up on him, because when he's ok he's the most loving considerate person I have ever met. His illness is like his evil twin. Ive been with him for 8 months, and I know that I'm not strong enough to endure another unhealthy relationship. I can't express how I feel to him without being diagnosed. "He's concerned about me" At times I want to laugh. It's like twilight zone. I can go on forever......Thank you. I added you to SnapChat...
I commented on the last video. Hopefully you got the book, An Unquiet Mind. Therapy and the right medications can help a person so much. I am a testament to that. I know how you feel, and I know how she feels. The mind is a powerful thing, and it can come up with anything to rationalize something irrational. I hope you are feeling better, and I hope your friend can find a reason to seek professional help. Yes, it's "embarrassing" to admit you can't control yourself, but she sounds like she has pretty severe ups and downs, and the only way she can find happiness or a sense of peace is to get to the bottom of things biologically and emotionally and fix what can be fixed. Love to you Nicole, xoxoxo
I know exactly how you feel. I can't say I was in the same situation but I can relate. To be honest the main reason why I started RUclips was because I felt alone. Being on RUclips showed me that there is people that love you even people that don't even know you. There was a video where I opened up from my past relationship but I took it down. At that time it made me feel 100x better!! I am glad you were able to open up about it because that is a huge step of moving forward. I love you Nicole. Stay positive which I know it's not always easy. I wish I could just hug you. At the moment I am going through a break up :( my story is different but my past can relate to you. Sorry my message is so long but I just felt like pouring my heart out to you. You're an amazing person it shines right through your tears and your smile :)
Nicole Thank You so much for doing these two videos. I am a mother of a 15 yr old girl who has been dating this boy for a year and he is bipolar. When he has an episode he will put her down like crazy call her names, and tell her everything she does is wrong. I keep trying to tell her that she does not deserve to be treated this why, but she will not lesson to me. I am going to try and get her to watch both of these and hope this will open her eyes. Keep your head up and know that Talia is still able the lesson to you. You are in my thoughts. Lots of love, Robin
I posted this on your part one, but i thought i would put it here too. My best friend was in a one year relationship with a guy with bipolar disorder. I will have you know that after months of convincing, I got her to leave the relationship. It did take her time to go back to her normal bubbly self, for a long time after the relationship she was very negative and sad and depressed. But she recovered after support from friends and family. I am going to school to deal with people with disabilities, and the families. I'm also a great person to vent to if you ever want to talk. just message me or something. I'm here if you want to talk. :)
Nicole your video brought me to tears. Just remember you are an amazing person. If you ever need anyone to talk to I'm here. It takes a lot of time to heal from a broken heart. We are all here for you.
This video is so beautiful. I was a subscriber before this video and I already liked you, now I like you even more for doing this! To come out and talk to us about something so personal in your life is truly amazing. I could probably never do something like this; but I wish I could! You're such an inspiration and I'm sorry that this happened to you. But people do crazy things when they're in love. I teared up watching this and I'm not even a crier! You're so beautiful inside and out! And you're not a nobody to me! If I ever see you in public I'll ask for a picture! Love you and I hope things get better for you girl. Keep up the good work. You're amazing :)
Dear Nicole, thank you so much for sharing your painfull story with us and I hope you are doing well. Unfortunately I'm going through the same 'toxic aftermath' like you did. Just like you I'm an empath and put my loved ones first. That mentality brought me to complexe PTSS, by being with someone who's emotionally unstable. I was a happy, strong, extravert and stable woman. He really was the best that ever happened to me, I felt never more loved. Adored even, but not in a creepy way. More in a soulmate way. He treated me with a lot of respect. He was introvert, sweet, kind, cool but also not affraid to be vulnerable, romantic, funny and he liked everything about me as a person. He became my lover and my best friend. I was head over heals in love, but this feeling was absolute different, stronger. He was stable, decent, sweet.. Almost to good to be true, so he had to be the one. That's why it's hurts so much. But hey, sharing is helping each other. :) By the time I had no idea I took the train to a freakn shitshow. It's to lang ago to remember tiny important details, but I probably ignored some little red flags. The fact that this love felt so different and special like a soulmate, was probably the biggest red flag.. for as far as I can remember, the problems/ argues began after 6 months, and mostly over non important things. Little argues blew up in no time and turned into dramatic rages. Like he had an anger problem and created problems that were'nt even there before. He could be a real dickhead. Other times he could be stone cold, moody, depressed. But later on he was this great lover again, nothing wrong. Sometimes with an apologie and promiss it would never happened again. He had had obviously a mental health problem, but he denied it. Negative emotions all over the place, but no problems at all. He had suffered from child abuse and that's what's kept me hooked. His grandmother told me many stories about his horrible childhood that made me cry and feel guilty for experincing a wonderfull childhood myself. Years went by and he became a part of me and exhausting behaviour flaws, which I never really understood, as well. After 13 years I broke up with him. It was horrible, in my heart I wanted nothing more than stay, but these extreme episodes, flaws and twists drained me. He never loved someone more than me, he said. All this time I thought he had borderline and allthough it was his 'condition', I was the one who read everything about it and trying to get him into therapy. Yes, I know, that does'nt help. He did'nt want help, there was nothing wrong with him. Right. I had given more than I had to offer and received little in return. Tired of being afraid he would end his life and tired of being alone while being together. It was leading to nowhere, like my life paused for years. Almost just as broken as he was, and still under some kind of spell that bound us together. Is this real love? Don't know, but I knew I was almost ready for a mental hospital. He did'nt want me to leave and made everything much worse. The books about mental health that I've read were great, but what I always missed was a book about and for the partners of ...., who have to put up with shit behaviour, massive stress and bizar and sometimes frightning periods. But there were'nt any books. We need to know how to understand and help them, without losing ourselves. It's all about them (of course I understand that), but it's about us too. After this break up we needed to live together for + 1,5 years untill our house was sold. Not recomended. Time passed and friends told me he became a changed man. More responsible and mature. Unfortunately for me that I could'nt be a part of his life anymore, but I wished him the best. 6 months later he showed up again, 'plead guilty' and talked all evening about how sorry he was about everything and that he worked very hard to change his behaviour etc. He could see everything so clear now, I was the love of his life and he never should have let me go. He wanted kids with only me, he said. He basicly said everything I always wanted to hear. Allthough I was trying to move on, I needed to think about this unexpected ticket. After weeks I 'dared' to try again. It was really amazing. Wow, he really was a different mam. How was this possible? After 2 years we rented a house together. Soon after that I burned out. Yeah, maybe I should have known. Meanwhile I started to be this google detective again. Because I had developt healthproblems I went to a psygologist. And did he? There's nothing wrong with him, you fool. What was I thinking. It's an upside down world, everything is and isn't possible. He was confusing, like rules of a game that constantly changed. Cliffhangers everywhere, impossible to understand a delusional mind. I found out about Bipolar, even more confusing: his behaviours and patterns did fit bipolar as well. Could it be both or had I overlooked something? I am not a psygologist, but psygologists can't see what I see. They can be the smartest person, but they only see what people show. And this man could be so confusing it makes you dizzy. So, it was possible, but it did'nt matter anyway, because somehow he got worse. Meaner and it was like he wanted to make me crazy, although the thought of it was absurd. Why in the world would he do that? Every time I got on my feet again, he pulled the karpet right underneath me to let me fall again. Almost 20 years later and this was something new. He said he loves deeply, but he never seemd to be ashamed for how he treated me the day before. I felt emotional and psychological raped. Even hated. Very devastating to find out you're a part of a game, played by the covert narcissist. Also known as con artists or wolves in sheeps clothing. WTF indeed. He could be arrogant sometimes, but NPD? No. Well, I did'nt knew there are subtypes. What I also found out is that everything I've experianced has a name and a purpose and they have a cycle too. This personality disorder and the pathalogy is shocking. Never heard of gaslighting before. It all makes me sick to the stomic to discover being used and ruin just to feed their demon ego. 'Narcissistic abuse' by the covert narcissist (aka vulnereble or closet narcissist). Maybe comorbid with bipolar and or BPD, but it does'nt really matter to me anymore. It does help me understand what happened. I've read there are many misdiagnoses between these disorders and bipolar. And most people arent aware of the narcissist who doesnt act like the narcissist everybody knows. 6 months later and I still have problems to believe it what happened. Apperently I am 'traumabonded' and have CPTSS, and new psygologist for the new cause. My 'soulmate'turned out a lot crazier than I thought he was, so I needed to escape. He was'nt the victim as he presented himself. He's called a preditor and that gives me the shivers. It was like I have lived with 2 men, one which I did'nt even liked and who scared me. It was a hell of a ride, with dr Jekyll and mr Hyde. He was the sweetest, but also the worst. Thanks for reading my endless story. Hopefully it helps someone get to answers, who is just as lost as I was. Good luck everyone!
You don't sound stupid.. you are hurt... You are an amazing person and you did everything you could.. don't blame yourself... We all have a limit.. Take care of you.. Everything will be fine
I lost myself I became a very emotional person which I never use to be. My parents decided to get a divorce after 28 years, my dad lost his job, I didn't get into the one program I thought I wanted to do in college then I failed the class when I tried to change majors, then I get diagnosed with a serious illness, then my grandma gets diagnosed with cancer all in the same year. I'm 21 I feel like a lot of weight from my parents is on me I have an 11 yr sis that I want this divorce transition to be smooth for so I find myself crying worried all the time for her. Nothing is the same and it sucks I know it will get better but sometimes it's hard. Thanks for sharing your story Nicole, wanted to share mine with you too :) maybe we can help each other
I can relate whole heartedly! It makes it very tricky to get out of a situation like that.. Because you know they can't help it and can't change. healing is very confusing, frustrating and heart wrenching. Good luck. Thnks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing!! I left a long comment on PART 1 so I'll keep this short. I went through depression really bad twice in my life! Once over the relationship i said we have in common in my comment on PART 1 and the second after having my first kid. What helped me out in the end is my faith in God and i listen to a radio station called KLOVE! They have an app you can download. try it out for a week then let me know how you feel! I'll be at Beautycon in NY so I hope you will be there so I can see you and give you a huge hug!! And yea so much for keeping this short LMAO! God Bless! I hope you get a chance to reply! :-)
Nicole, you are so beautiful, inside and out. Thank you for letting us in your heart. Take your time to heal. Staying positive for me.. I always have in the back of my mind "it could always be worse". Maybe it is the wrong way to look at it but it gives me prespective. Everyone has their own battles and everyone deals with them differently. I believe in you, you are an amazing person. Hope to see you smile soon (really smile). I'm sending you lots of hugs and love.
You are lovely. ❤ I can relate to every word you've said about your relationship. And by watching this second video I get the strong feeling your Penny Lane might be a covert narcissist too. Or someone with AsPD, they can all act quite the same (although there are core differences ). Maybe not, but it seems like it. They lack empathy when you would never expect it. They can't stop to surprise you. After a toxic relationship healing takes time. Hope you've become that strong empowered woman that you supposed to be. These persons walk into our lives to kick our asses in the most brutal way. They remind us to create healthy boundaries and to take care of ourselves. And to flush shit behaviour right through the toilet from now on. We need to heal our inner child and move on, celebrate life!
I find it a relief to hear someone express real feelings. I think we have such a culture (in Britain and the US) where everyone is supposed to be emotionless in case they show feelings which we equate with weakness. It's completely crazy; we're not robots are we?
Hey Nicole, I am someone that has also dealt with mental illness with another person. My brother has mental illness' and the hard thing to deal with is the upswings and severe downswings. My younger brother has schizophrenia. He also has not found a good regime..and it is extremely hard to deal with. The feelings that you are dealing with now are completely natural. Mental illness is something very difficult to deal with it, keep your chin up :)
Hey ...thanks so much for sharing this with all of us, and I know exactly what you are saying ...I am going through the same thing in my life ...right now and I don't know which way to turn. Thank you again ..you are a great person and deserve to be happy :)
I am currently separated from my bipolar partner and this sounds like my story to a t. The hardest part is knowing that I would take him back if he came back around, because I love him to pieces. He's only broken up with me twice in the 4 and a half years we've been together, with this being the second time. Normally he is my favourite person. He's funny, kind, genuine, creative, supportive... The list goes on and on. When he is struggling with a mood swing, he can be a demon. I am afraid that he is tired of hurting me and he is considering leaving me to save me, but I wish he knew that he was still worth it to me. I have changed with this relationship, but it has made me stronger. It was hard seeing the mood swing coming and being helpless to stop it this time. The way he looked at me even changed, when just days before we danced in the kitchen together like always. I hope sincerely that he becomes happy someday even if it isn't with me, but I'll always be waiting because he was my one.
Yeah I am on your same exact page, well we only dated 2 months but i fell deeply in love. It's been 2 weeks since we broke up. I do beliEve I'd take him back & try a different approach, we're friends apparently but haven't necessarily spoken.
i am SO sorry you are going through this nicole... if you EVER need to just vent you can always text me.. i also live with severe anxiety. it's terrible but i promise you are not alone.. hugs & kisses your way
Omg I was on emotional roller coaster for a year , I myself almost lost everything what I really worked hard for all this time . Don’t know how it happened because before him I didn’t let anybody control me and manipulate me in this kind of way . I was accused every other day of something or wake up and look were he is at night and he would be already mad and tell me I am cheating. Same thing with best friend too he would fight with a friend and then talk again after a week. One day would be all good and in the morning he would have me blocked..... I totally understand how you feel because I felt that over and over again.... however he is not diagnosed with anything and I told him before we should go to counseling or something to see that he is going insane, that he has a problem and he needs help. He would start drinking a lot of times and would get even more crazy would not listen to anything what I say because he already had a set mind on something.....
My significant other hurt because of my pretend reality . ❤️❤️❤️❤️ i love you for putting this out there because now i can fully understand how he feels and what he thinks about when im in my world .
Amazing video . I'm so glad I watched this. I too had a significant other has biopolar but Is also has narcissistic as well. Took me a while see she was killing my spirit. I just end it this week. We been talking on and off for 2 years . But that is done . And I'm better for it .Stay bless my friend
I noticed that you & have a lot in common with emotions& I have such a hard time with being happy all the time around friends/family& then going home & crying until I fall asleep but lately I've been staying positive by reading books & I like to take a shower when I'm stressed with a body wash that smells delicious (: I love you nicole you are awesome in every way possible!
I really wanna give you a real hug right now! My heart breaks with you when you are telling your story. You are so brave to share your story with everyone here. I'm sure lots of people are gonna be inspired. You are a truly beautiful person. Wish I could give you some strength to find your old happy self. Love you a lot! What do you think to start vlogging? I know I will be enjoying watching it very much! :-)
Hi, my name is Ruth and i am so sorry that you had to deal with this . Im at the other end . Im not diagnosed with bipolar disorder but i do get those "episodes" that i hate everyone and everything around me . Ive been in a relationship for 4 years and honestly he has put up with everything, how i have no clue. But back to you, i am genuinely sorry . I wouldnt wish this pain on anyone and i dont know if this is true for Penny Lane but when i am at that state of mind it does hurt me to see
I know that I would still do anything for him because of how much I love him. But at the same time I know that I have to let him go. Thank you for this video you are amazing person just know that!
Your such a strong person and I really look up to you and pains me to see you cry an be sad. I'm very young so I don't understand how being in love with someone is but I know you can get through this.
this is how it is with my gf now..I just blew up at her though..I didnt kow she was bipolar--she doest want to deal with me now though but i miss her and love her
Thank you so much it help me. I was in a relationship like this. I still love her and always will. But I said something to her that's never forgivable and the friendship is over. I hate the thought I hurt her and I did. She was amazing woman and I'll miss what we had she can't help her mental illness. And I'm trying to move on.
Count your lucky stars you are out of that bad relations. Ppl who have BPD do not show any remorse for their actions and always try to portray themselves as the victim. Move on and close the book!
I'm so glad that I'm seeing this video as I'm currently going through this. I don't know how to let go. I want him to be ok. I thought I was crazy!! OMG!! I'm educating myself on this mental illness so that maybe in the future I can help him.
the idea of being able to let go because of cheating isn't as clear cut as you think. My ex cheated on me while going through a manic psychotic episode. I had to believe that it wasn't her fault since she was completely delusional.
hey Girl keep ur head up high it will get better i know what ur going throw but dont let sadness take over if u like some one talk to them get to know them more and the happynees will take over the sadness we love u. u r very strong just give it time it took me for monts to get over my ex after he hit me
do bipolar ever feel genuine feelings of love towards you? or is it always emotions projected from their illness? basically do they have a real sensation of reality.
Yes! We are extremely empathetic and we care so deeply, the reason we cut people off and then seem to want nothing to do with them is because it hurts us so intensely and we feel so guilty and don't know how to just be friends with someone or have a half-hearted type relationship. We're very black-and-white about things so we're either extremely passionate or nothing.
Sweetheart, you ARE important and you ARE somebody. Please stop saying you aren't anything special because you are. You're the type of person I look for in a friend, somebody who is genuine and lovely and caring and on the flipside you seem like you're silly and fun, too! So please, stop and try to see what we see and how we see you.
I just watch Both of your videos and I know how you feel I have anxiety and bipolar and its hard but I am taking meds for mine and it helps me.Yes,we have to have meds to helps us to feel better so I know how u feel in takjng meds for anxiety.Hugs to u and it does not matter if your bi sexual cause I am but have not yet been with another woman like u have dated.Want to chat let me know.
Nicole, you are so beautiful, inside and out. Thank you for letting us in your heart. Take your time to heal. Staying positive for me.. I always have in the back of my mind "it could always be worse". Maybe it is the wrong way to look at it but it gives me prespective. Everyone has their own battles and everyone deals with them differently. I believe in you, you are an amazing person. Hope to see you smile soon (really smile). I'm sending you lots of hugs and love.
It is scary, and depressing, how I see myself when you describe her. It's like you and I have been together. I'm also bipolar. And I've just ended another possible serious relationship with a girl. Though, this time, it didn't really quite get to a serious point. Thank God - for her. So she's gonna have an easier time to move on and forget about me. But I know what people like us can do to people like you. I'm 30 years old. And it's been like this for as long as I remember. I can definitely say that bipolar disorder has absolutely sabotaged and pretty much retarded my social life. I see friends and family members get married, have kids, build lives with their partners. While I'm still this strange, lonely cousin or brother, or son. Who's always single. And it hurts. But it also makes me incredibly angry. For the stress that I cause in other people. For having this problem I can't cure. And for abandoning loved ones and cutting friends off. It's an incredibly selfish illness, in an endless loop. And it's exhausting.
When the charred-black dog rears its ugly head, hell unleashes in our minds.
In a way, I'm glad I've never really met an amazing girl like you. I could never forgive myself if I put a kind heart like yours through something like that. ..I don't know your ex. But I would guess that she's aware of what she's lost. She must be. I know I always am. But of course, bipolar people have nothing else in common but their illness. The people behind the illness are still different. I always see the damage I cause. I walk through the triggered minefield and look at every bomb crater, and remember the war and the casualties over and over again, inside my head. I twist and turn. And yes, I also suffer from "PTSD" in a way. Before we ruin it, the voices in our heads never stop until we finally act on them. And once we ruin it, the voices become silent, but the echoes never fade. Of course, the voice is always us. It's not insanity. It's hyper-sensitivity. It's insecurities. Fueled by terrible imagination.
The problem is that everything is always cranked up to eleven. Or down to zero. Very rarely, you find yourself in between. You snap out of it for a moment. Just a little moment of peace. Then back into the fire you go.
I'm sure she didn't just shrug you off like that, though. The reason we overreact, and cut off all ties, is because we are too afraid to get hurt. So we end it before they can "stab us" (which is something the other person usually never even intended to do). If there's one thing we can't shake off, it's emotions. And there's always an incredible amount of shame . ..I've known this girl for 2 years now. And it's been on and off, but it was never quite fully on. Now, it's off for good. "Forever." As she put it. I broke the camels back with an elephant playing a piano. At the same time, though, I tend to attract people who are a litte damaged themselves, like I am. So they usually return the fire and cause a lot of hurt, too. I'm in the same position as you are, while being in the same position your ex is. I am also trying to get to a place I used to be before I met her. A "calmer" version of me. Where it was easier to breathe. So I can reset. Right now I'm spiraling down from the whole thing. Into a dark place I know by heart. With my eyes closed I can walk through it, and up the stairs again. And every time I leave more of myself down there in the muddy waters.
Anyone would have every right to hate people like us.
I am absolutely sure you will get over this, though. I can see your friends and family just by seeing you, hearing you talk. Without even knowing about your personal life. You have the support you need, I'm sure. That will help a lot. And it's gonna be time. As always. The reason this may be worse than those other times is because this is very different from what you've experienced so far. If I understand correctly. This was a girl. It was a different and very new flavor of love. Probably much more intense. So this will hurt bad. It's just gonna take time. You have to cut all ties. Completely. It is over. Don't worry. I can tell your heart can't be damaged. Because you love and respect yourself. That's the key element here. People like us don't know what that means.
Drink from the well of your self and begin again.
Good luck.
I don't know how I came across these two videos but it's amazing. I feel like I'm in a relationship with the "male" version of your "Penny Lane". I felt like I was looking in a mirror with everything you were feeling and saying; I'm going through it right now. I felt like I was crazy until I watched this!!! Thank you so much for doing this video and I'm totally grateful to you, you have NO idea the strength and confidence you just sparked & installed back into me! Forever grateful!!! 💕
Joanna C Same 😔
I always feel like I'm dating two people instead of one- one hates me and the other cant live without me. It tugs at my mind and my heart constantly.
You have taken the words out of my mouth. Every single word and tear. I just went through EXACTLY what you went through. You have no clue how watching both of your videos is helping me understand what happened and is giving me tons of peace. That uncertainty was was killing me but now I feel I made the right choice. I was dating someone with Bipolar Disorder and honestly, I didn't know much about it so when she told me two months into our relationship I didn't think it would break me and damage me as much as it did. It wasn't her that damaged me but the uncertainty of what was going on. A human heart demands to be desired in a relationship. Long story short: She was very affectionate, attentive, caring, inviting, supportive, even a bit latchy and very loving for the first three months of us officially being together. I fell in love and she'd even talk about how much in love she was falling in with me. She said it first... then me. All was so beautiful until three weeks ago.. from one day to another everything completely stopped. Cold Turkey!! Completely the opposite of what she was.. now dry, simple, distant, inattentive, forgetful, bland, even rejected me so I felt. From constant daily communication now, it turned into going up to three days without hearing from her. That triggered separation anxiety in me and it was ugly. The uncertainty was something I've never felt before and that destroyed my peace. When I'd finally see her, I felt reenergized. She'd be everything beautiful she was but it was when I wasn't with her that I think made her intervert. She said she was on a combination of medications that made her numb. I tried to break up with her once and she cried.. So I told her about our severed connection. We were gonna work on it but it actually got worse cause now she'd ignore my calls. I feel I shot a puppy breaking up with her but My peace was obsolete at that moment and I needed to be in peace.. not even happy just calm. I didn't know much about the disorder when I broke up with her but now the peace comes from knowing exactly what happened and YOU helped me so much to see it. Now I know she was warning me with insinuations. I think back and all the signs where there. She'd never want to plan and always talked about living in the present. Hated to plan. Now I know she was feeling the mood swing coming when she told me '.. you know, there's gonna be a moment where it's gonna be hard for me to say what I really feel..' I didn't think much of it cause I said, '..don't say it then, just prove it by doing it..' Thank you for your videos!! I stay in peace by keeping busy and going to the gym. Not thinking about her or the happy moments we had. Very unfortunate but it's the only way I can get through this and it's been two weeks. I do feel so much better and I know I'll feel even better in another week. I did fall in love with her and I still do miss her but only time will tell if we ever meet again. :)
I feel your pain as I've been in your position quite a few times and ended up feeling like I was worth less on coming out of the relationship.
After a handful of failed relationships I ended up researching the various (the most common) mental disorders such as bipolar, depression, BPD, etc. And I created some rules that have drastically helped me maintain a healthy relationship (whether it be with someone with a condition or not) and a healthy view of myself.
1. You cannot fix your partner. Do not try. You are not a hero/saviour/white knight. It is not your job and you will only decrease your self worth and push them away. The only person who can help them improve is themselves. Point out the issue, be brutally honest, if they disregard it or become aggressive simply just leave. They are not prepared to accept it and thus won't improve. Don't waste your time and energy.
2. When they push you away or try to tell you it won't work, accept it. Don't comfort them or try to reassure them that you'll "never leave". Simply say something like "I don't want that, I care for you, but it's your choice". You must never chase them. This gives them power and gives you the role of someone they can walk on, yet still be accepted by when their other pursuits fail.
3. Your emotions and happiness but be independent and self contained. Be happy in yourself, because of yourself. Do not rely on them for you to be happy or confident because when the bad days come (and they will) you must be able to shrug off and ignore whatever deluded conspiracies, thoughts, and ideas their minds have concocted.
4. Learn the warning signs of a "shift" they are always there, if you can't see them then you merely aren't looking well enough.
5. Learn the difference between attacking and defending. In an argument, if they attack you (whether it be physical, mental, or verbal) your natural response will be to feed the fire by throwing an insult or "attacking" them in return. Do not fall prey to this. Learn to defend. Block off, deflect, and ignore these attacks whilst holding your ground. If you are able to say something (preferably a question) that will make them stop and think, then this will help a lot.
6. Be constant and dependable. No matter how spontaneous or independent someone is everyone needs routine and stable ground beneath them.
7. Accept their mood. More often than not what was said and felt yesterday won't carry over to today. Accept it. Their view of you may have changed, or their likes/dislikes, or their view of them self even. Deal with the now and what is to come.
8. Prioritise yourself, your happiness, and your personal growth. Keep busy, make plans, pick up hobbies, and learn new things. It may sound selfish but if you don't love yourself/are happy in yourself how could you ever expect to make someone else happy?
I'd simply like to state that I have not been trained or studied in psychology, I have not been on dating courses or read any self help books. This is simply what I have learnt in my time dating and dealing with people with certain mental conditions. I hope it can help, but if something doesn't work for you do not see it as Gods law. Modify or straight out delete it.
Thank you for sharing this. It has been my recovery journey too. I loved my ex (Bipolar I) enormously. It's hard to reconcile the fallout of a relationship that was both the healthiest/most loving, and the unhealthiest and most toxic. I feel your pain, heartbreak, confusion, frustration, and fear. I just keep trying to remember that just because they didn't mean to hurt us, doesn't make our pain any less real. It's been such a hard learned lesson... a lot like being punished for a crime you didn't commit. But the upside to all of it, is, I will never compromise my needs for a romantic partner ever again. We can love them from a safe enough distance to ensure our mental and physical well being, and we can place hard boundaries on loved ones who refuse to take responsibility for their own health. Even if it means cutting them out of our lives, if necessary. We are stronger for trouncing our trauma.
Wow! I could not have said any of this better. This is my life currently with a little over a month after breakup and no contact with an unmedicated and in denial bipolar. So very sad and heart breaking.
I'm in the midst of a toxic relationship with my bipolar boyfriend and it just helps that you made this like I'm crying with you. I can't even talk about this relationship with anyone there's so much I can't do I'm so limited and I'm losing myself too. I feel alone and he's like the only person I have at this point. anyways thank you. thanks for making this
I'm a bit late to the party...but thank you so much for making this video. I've been in a roller coaster relationship with a lady who is Bipolar for just a few months...but hearing your story really hit home for me. Her first episode happened just a few weeks into dating...one day things were wonderful...the next she'd be depressed and moody. She'd disappear with no contact whatsoever for a week...then she'd come back and want to reconnect. I didn't know her exact condition until our second breakup...but we'd get barely two weeks of good times and then she'd have an episode and disappear again. After a few months of this I have become mentally exhausted...for such a new relationship this was just too much to deal with. Like you, friends and family would all say "just leave"...but how could they know what the good times were like? Just walking around town, hand in hand with someone who made you so happy...it was pure bliss. And then to lose that person and have them disappear like you didn't mean anything to them...it hurts more than words can ever express. After I took her back the last time I knew it was wrong...each time I'd work through my initial hurt and be moving on...and then she'd be calling me, wanting to get back together. Swearing it would be different...no more disappearing. But this last time...she's been incognito for over a week now and it's finally the last straw. All of this back and forth has caused me to fall out of love with her...and when she does reach out to me, it will be my time to walk away for good. I've been lost, sad, gained a lot of weight and constantly worried about her. No more! Part of me will always love her...but even as a survivor of mental illness myself...I just can't do this anymore. Thank you, Nicole...for sharing...I hope you have healed and life is beautiful for you again. :)
Ah...here I am, four months later watching this video again and wanting to bang my head on the keyboard. After a few months apart I ended up getting back together with my ex. We had some good times...then lots of not so good times...and I found myself exhausted and right back where we started. It seems like a foolish decision looking back now...but at least this time there was some resolution...and we both knew, that it was over for good this time. So much more I could share here but it is far too personal...I hope some of you folks out there can make it work. Good luck to you all, whatever path you need to take. :)
thx for sharing.. going thru the same and ur words help. hope u feel better... does the pain go away?
I've never watched a youtube video and related to a total stranger.... everything you said in your relationship I was able to see myself and my partner... I also have anxiety and panic attacks... and my partner (or ex) is bipolar... I feel better knowing that someone else really get's it.. .you get it... and I get what you went through because I went through the same thing and it blows... god bless...
You are not stupid. I do the same thing all the time. It's cause YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, WITH A GOOD HEART. And you love and care and want the best out of the situation and thinking things will change. But, sometimes you can't change how people are. My ex played a similar game with me as friends. Not with bipolar disorder, but intentionally. I relate to everything you went through, completely. And then it's like you're fine cause you stop talking to them for a while, and then it's like as soon as you're okay, "OH HERE I AM AGAIN!" I never wanted to give up on my ex or friends that hurt me and I constantly let back in my life. But you have to do that no matter how hard it is. I used to look to the future for happiness, but you can't say "yeah I'll be happy tomorrow" cause you don't know if you will or not. I'm happy from what I do in my life with youtube, school, fiancé, friends, family, pets, makeup, etc. I didn't have the support system I have a few years ago, and I can say I have moments where I'm upset but I realize that there's so many people that love and care, why should I be sad or depressed about whatever I'm upset about? There's no need, at all. It's a horrible cycle, and again I love you, even if you don't know me. This situation only makes you a stronger and wiser person! Make you happy!
I'm looking me in a mirror! I feel all you pain like mine ! I am going through the same ! I can't think I can't sleep because of this!!! I losing control of my thoughts and myself!!!
Thank you for being so raw and honest in your video. I have bipolar disorder and I haven't wanted to date anyone because I haven't felt like I've taken care of myself well enough before bringing another person in. I don't know the right words to say, but I think it was good for me to see this from the other side and to know that my decision to back off was a good idea. Thank you again for being so brave and baring it all for all of us here on RUclips. You're a beautiful person inside and out.
ok i was nearly in tears in the beginning but as soon as you mentioned ur relationship with Talia the waterworks started. i knew u guys were close and i know we all miss her but i think sometimes people miss the "youtube talia" or the "famous girl from ellen" and don't realize that for some people, like u, it was pretty much losing a friend. not pretty much, it WAS. someone u text, talk to everyday, go to for advice….. If i lost one of best friends my world would change. I know u say ur not strong but even to be comfortable doing a video this personal and even mentioning ur relationship with not only Penny but Talia…. THATS STRENGTH. i would collapse. U ARE SO STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL NICOLE!
It's self preservation...you had to walk away. You get sucked into their world and you end up thinking that you are the one that has a problem. It's hard I know...but I'm glad you love yourself enough to walk away.
This is exactly how it went down for me too, only Im a dude, she was a girl. thanks for sharing Nicole.
Sometimes it is true love that will get you out of that rut. That is what happened with me and my husband. And a person who truly genuinely loves you is going to love you for you and that means your ups and your downs! If they fall in love with you when you are down imagine how much they will be head over heels with you in your ups! You are an amazing girl and never forget it. Anyone would be lucky to have you! Stay strong and remember it will take time but with this huge support system you have here on RUclips and in your personal life you can get through this! You will be back to your old self in no time! XoXo!!
You have such a big heart. Watching this video makes me want to give you a hug. I know exactly how you feel and I too am one of those people who will stick through A LOT for the people that I care about. I'm a "fixer/nurturer." If I see someone suffering (because of mental illness or past abuse) I want to help them. With my borderline ex, I wanted so badly to teach him that not everyone was out to hurt him; that there are good people in the world; and that he was worth loving. He was extremely verbally abusive at times and at others he would praise me. The manipulation... I couldn't stick with it and remain true to myself and or maintain happiness. It was difficult, like you, I would always take him back even though we broke up like 8-10 times in a six month period. It's hard to walk away, but you sort of have this moment where you realize that you don't know who you are anymore because you've poured so much of yourself into that other person and having to ride the ever-changing highs and lows has worn you down. I hope you are better now (as I said on pt. 1) and I am sorry if this brings up any negative or unresolved feelings. Be well and always remember to love yourself.
I can't thank you enough for making and sharing this video. I am in tears right now. I also have anxiety, but I am aware of when I need to do a self evaluation. I was beginning to believe that I was crazy, I just got out of marriage with a verbally abusive man, and to get into another stressful situation is ludicrous. I know what you mean regarding just leaving. I feel so guilty for just giving up on him, because when he's ok he's the most loving considerate person I have ever met. His illness is like his evil twin. Ive been with him for 8 months, and I know that I'm not strong enough to endure another unhealthy relationship. I can't express how I feel to him without being diagnosed. "He's concerned about me" At times I want to laugh. It's like twilight zone. I can go on forever......Thank you. I added you to SnapChat...
I commented on the last video. Hopefully you got the book, An Unquiet Mind. Therapy and the right medications can help a person so much. I am a testament to that. I know how you feel, and I know how she feels. The mind is a powerful thing, and it can come up with anything to rationalize something irrational. I hope you are feeling better, and I hope your friend can find a reason to seek professional help. Yes, it's "embarrassing" to admit you can't control yourself, but she sounds like she has pretty severe ups and downs, and the only way she can find happiness or a sense of peace is to get to the bottom of things biologically and emotionally and fix what can be fixed. Love to you Nicole, xoxoxo
I know exactly how you feel. I can't say I was in the same situation but I can relate. To be honest the main reason why I started RUclips was because I felt alone. Being on RUclips showed me that there is people that love you even people that don't even know you. There was a video where I opened up from my past relationship but I took it down. At that time it made me feel 100x better!! I am glad you were able to open up about it because that is a huge step of moving forward. I love you Nicole. Stay positive which I know it's not always easy. I wish I could just hug you. At the moment I am going through a break up :( my story is different but my past can relate to you. Sorry my message is so long but I just felt like pouring my heart out to you. You're an amazing person it shines right through your tears and your smile :)
Nicole Thank You so much for doing these two videos. I am a mother of a 15 yr old girl who has been dating this boy for a year and he is bipolar. When he has an episode he will put her down like crazy call her names, and tell her everything she does is wrong. I keep trying to tell her that she does not deserve to be treated this why, but she will not lesson to me. I am going to try and get her to watch both of these and hope this will open her eyes. Keep your head up and know that Talia is still able the lesson to you. You are in my thoughts. Lots of love, Robin
I posted this on your part one, but i thought i would put it here too. My best friend was in a one year relationship with a guy with bipolar disorder. I will have you know that after months of convincing, I got her to leave the relationship. It did take her time to go back to her normal bubbly self, for a long time after the relationship she was very negative and sad and depressed. But she recovered after support from friends and family. I am going to school to deal with people with disabilities, and the families. I'm also a great person to vent to if you ever want to talk. just message me or something. I'm here if you want to talk. :)
Nicole your video brought me to tears. Just remember you are an amazing person. If you ever need anyone to talk to I'm here. It takes a lot of time to heal from a broken heart. We are all here for you.
This video is so beautiful. I was a subscriber before this video and I already liked you, now I like you even more for doing this! To come out and talk to us about something so personal in your life is truly amazing. I could probably never do something like this; but I wish I could! You're such an inspiration and I'm sorry that this happened to you. But people do crazy things when they're in love. I teared up watching this and I'm not even a crier! You're so beautiful inside and out! And you're not a nobody to me! If I ever see you in public I'll ask for a picture! Love you and I hope things get better for you girl. Keep up the good work. You're amazing :)
Everything you said, is my current life. I am choosing me and I am choosing happiness.
Dear Nicole, thank you so much for sharing your painfull story with us and I hope you are doing well. Unfortunately I'm going through the same 'toxic aftermath' like you did. Just like you I'm an empath and put my loved ones first. That mentality brought me to complexe PTSS, by being with someone who's emotionally unstable. I was a happy, strong, extravert and stable woman. He really was the best that ever happened to me, I felt never more loved. Adored even, but not in a creepy way. More in a soulmate way. He treated me with a lot of respect. He was introvert, sweet, kind, cool but also not affraid to be vulnerable, romantic, funny and he liked everything about me as a person. He became my lover and my best friend. I was head over heals in love, but this feeling was absolute different, stronger. He was stable, decent, sweet.. Almost to good to be true, so he had to be the one. That's why it's hurts so much. But hey, sharing is helping each other. :)
By the time I had no idea I took the train to a freakn shitshow. It's to lang ago to remember tiny important details, but I probably ignored some little red flags. The fact that this love felt so different and special like a soulmate, was probably the biggest red flag.. for as far as I can remember, the problems/ argues began after 6 months, and mostly over non important things. Little argues blew up in no time and turned into dramatic rages. Like he had an anger problem and created problems that were'nt even there before. He could be a real dickhead. Other times he could be stone cold, moody, depressed. But later on he was this great lover again, nothing wrong. Sometimes with an apologie and promiss it would never happened again. He had had obviously a mental health problem, but he denied it. Negative emotions all over the place, but no problems at all. He had suffered from child abuse and that's what's kept me hooked. His grandmother told me many stories about his horrible childhood that made me cry and feel guilty for experincing a wonderfull childhood myself. Years went by and he became a part of me and exhausting behaviour flaws, which I never really understood, as well. After 13 years I broke up with him. It was horrible, in my heart I wanted nothing more than stay, but these extreme episodes, flaws and twists drained me. He never loved someone more than me, he said. All this time I thought he had borderline and allthough it was his 'condition', I was the one who read everything about it and trying to get him into therapy. Yes, I know, that does'nt help. He did'nt want help, there was nothing wrong with him. Right. I had given more than I had to offer and received little in return. Tired of being afraid he would end his life and tired of being alone while being together. It was leading to nowhere, like my life paused for years. Almost just as broken as he was, and still under some kind of spell that bound us together. Is this real love? Don't know, but I knew I was almost ready for a mental hospital. He did'nt want me to leave and made everything much worse. The books about mental health that I've read were great, but what I always missed was a book about and for the partners of ...., who have to put up with shit behaviour, massive stress and bizar and sometimes frightning periods. But there were'nt any books. We need to know how to understand and help them, without losing ourselves. It's all about them (of course I understand that), but it's about us too.
After this break up we needed to live together for + 1,5 years untill our house was sold. Not recomended.
Time passed and friends told me he became a changed man. More responsible and mature. Unfortunately for me that I could'nt be a part of his life anymore, but I wished him the best. 6 months later he showed up again, 'plead guilty' and talked all evening about how sorry he was about everything and that he worked very hard to change his behaviour etc. He could see everything so clear now, I was the love of his life and he never should have let me go. He wanted kids with only me, he said. He basicly said everything I always wanted to hear. Allthough I was trying to move on, I needed to think about this unexpected ticket. After weeks I 'dared' to try again. It was really amazing. Wow, he really was a different mam. How was this possible? After 2 years we rented a house together. Soon after that I burned out. Yeah, maybe I should have known. Meanwhile I started to be this google detective again. Because I had developt healthproblems I went to a psygologist. And did he? There's nothing wrong with him, you fool. What was I thinking. It's an upside down world, everything is and isn't possible. He was confusing, like rules of a game that constantly changed. Cliffhangers everywhere, impossible to understand a delusional mind. I found out about Bipolar, even more confusing: his behaviours and patterns did fit bipolar as well. Could it be both or had I overlooked something? I am not a psygologist, but psygologists can't see what I see. They can be the smartest person, but they only see what people show. And this man could be so confusing it makes you dizzy. So, it was possible, but it did'nt matter anyway, because somehow he got worse. Meaner and it was like he wanted to make me crazy, although the thought of it was absurd. Why in the world would he do that? Every time I got on my feet again, he pulled the karpet right underneath me to let me fall again. Almost 20 years later and this was something new. He said he loves deeply, but he never seemd to be ashamed for how he treated me the day before. I felt emotional and psychological raped. Even hated. Very devastating to find out you're a part of a game, played by the covert narcissist. Also known as con artists or wolves in sheeps clothing. WTF indeed. He could be arrogant sometimes, but NPD? No. Well, I did'nt knew there are subtypes. What I also found out is that everything I've experianced has a name and a purpose and they have a cycle too. This personality disorder and the pathalogy is shocking. Never heard of gaslighting before. It all makes me sick to the stomic to discover being used and ruin just to feed their demon ego. 'Narcissistic abuse' by the covert narcissist (aka vulnereble or closet narcissist). Maybe comorbid with bipolar and or BPD, but it does'nt really matter to me anymore. It does help me understand what happened. I've read there are many misdiagnoses between these disorders and bipolar. And most people arent aware of the narcissist who doesnt act like the narcissist everybody knows. 6 months later and I still have problems to believe it what happened. Apperently I am 'traumabonded' and have CPTSS, and new psygologist for the new cause.
My 'soulmate'turned out a lot crazier than I thought he was, so I needed to escape. He was'nt the victim as he presented himself. He's called a preditor and that gives me the shivers. It was like I have lived with 2 men, one which I did'nt even liked and who scared me. It was a hell of a ride, with dr Jekyll and mr Hyde. He was the sweetest, but also the worst.
Thanks for reading my endless story. Hopefully it helps someone get to answers, who is just as lost as I was. Good luck everyone!
Ps I hope I did'nt hurt anyone.. if I did I'm sorry!
You don't sound stupid.. you are hurt... You are an amazing person and you did everything you could.. don't blame yourself... We all have a limit.. Take care of you.. Everything will be fine
I lost myself I became a very emotional person which I never use to be. My parents decided to get a divorce after 28 years, my dad lost his job, I didn't get into the one program I thought I wanted to do in college then I failed the class when I tried to change majors, then I get diagnosed with a serious illness, then my grandma gets diagnosed with cancer all in the same year. I'm 21 I feel like a lot of weight from my parents is on me I have an 11 yr sis that I want this divorce transition to be smooth for so I find myself crying worried all the time for her. Nothing is the same and it sucks I know it will get better but sometimes it's hard. Thanks for sharing your story Nicole, wanted to share mine with you too :) maybe we can help each other
ur story is my exact story & we actually getting divorced right now bc of it...& im completely alone w/ my youtube family 💕 tks 4 sharing!
I can relate whole heartedly! It makes it very tricky to get out of a situation like that.. Because you know they can't help it and can't change. healing is very confusing, frustrating and heart wrenching. Good luck. Thnks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing!! I left a long comment on PART 1 so I'll keep this short. I went through depression really bad twice in my life! Once over the relationship i said we have in common in my comment on PART 1 and the second after having my first kid. What helped me out in the end is my faith in God and i listen to a radio station called KLOVE! They have an app you can download. try it out for a week then let me know how you feel! I'll be at Beautycon in NY so I hope you will be there so I can see you and give you a huge hug!! And yea so much for keeping this short LMAO! God Bless! I hope you get a chance to reply! :-)
Nicole, you are so beautiful, inside and out. Thank you for letting us in your heart. Take your time to heal. Staying positive for me.. I always have in the back of my mind "it could always be worse". Maybe it is the wrong way to look at it but it gives me prespective. Everyone has their own battles and everyone deals with them differently. I believe in you, you are an amazing person. Hope to see you smile soon (really smile). I'm sending you lots of hugs and love.
You are lovely. ❤ I can relate to every word you've said about your relationship. And by watching this second video I get the strong feeling your Penny Lane might be a covert narcissist too. Or someone with AsPD, they can all act quite the same (although there are core differences ). Maybe not, but it seems like it. They lack empathy when you would never expect it. They can't stop to surprise you. After a toxic relationship healing takes time. Hope you've become that strong empowered woman that you supposed to be. These persons walk into our lives to kick our asses in the most brutal way. They remind us to create healthy boundaries and to take care of ourselves. And to flush shit behaviour right through the toilet from now on. We need to heal our inner child and move on, celebrate life!
you're so strong and you always have your subbies here for you Nicole!
I find it a relief to hear someone express real feelings. I think we have such a culture (in Britain and the US) where everyone is supposed to be emotionless in case they show feelings which we equate with weakness. It's completely crazy; we're not robots are we?
Hey Nicole, I am someone that has also dealt with mental illness with another person. My brother has mental illness' and the hard thing to deal with is the upswings and severe downswings. My younger brother has schizophrenia. He also has not found a good regime..and it is extremely hard to deal with. The feelings that you are dealing with now are completely natural. Mental illness is something very difficult to deal with it, keep your chin up :)
Hey ...thanks so much for sharing this with all of us, and I know exactly what you are saying ...I am going through the same thing in my life ...right now and I don't know which way to turn.
Thank you again ..you are a great person and deserve to be happy :)
I am currently separated from my bipolar partner and this sounds like my story to a t. The hardest part is knowing that I would take him back if he came back around, because I love him to pieces. He's only broken up with me twice in the 4 and a half years we've been together, with this being the second time. Normally he is my favourite person. He's funny, kind, genuine, creative, supportive... The list goes on and on. When he is struggling with a mood swing, he can be a demon. I am afraid that he is tired of hurting me and he is considering leaving me to save me, but I wish he knew that he was still worth it to me. I have changed with this relationship, but it has made me stronger. It was hard seeing the mood swing coming and being helpless to stop it this time. The way he looked at me even changed, when just days before we danced in the kitchen together like always. I hope sincerely that he becomes happy someday even if it isn't with me, but I'll always be waiting because he was my one.
Yeah I am on your same exact page, well we only dated 2 months but i fell deeply in love. It's been 2 weeks since we broke up. I do beliEve I'd take him back & try a different approach, we're friends apparently but haven't necessarily spoken.
i am SO sorry you are going through this nicole... if you EVER need to just vent you can always text me.. i also live with severe anxiety. it's terrible but i promise you are not alone.. hugs & kisses your way
Omg I was on emotional roller coaster for a year , I myself almost lost everything what I really worked hard for all this time . Don’t know how it happened because before him I didn’t let anybody control me and manipulate me in this kind of way . I was accused every other day of something or wake up and look were he is at night and he would be already mad and tell me I am cheating. Same thing with best friend too he would fight with a friend and then talk again after a week. One day would be all good and in the morning he would have me blocked..... I totally understand how you feel because I felt that over and over again.... however he is not diagnosed with anything and I told him before we should go to counseling or something to see that he is going insane, that he has a problem and he needs help. He would start drinking a lot of times and would get even more crazy would not listen to anything what I say because he already had a set mind on something.....
My significant other hurt because of my pretend reality . ❤️❤️❤️❤️ i love you for putting this out there because now i can fully understand how he feels and what he thinks about when im in my world .
Amazing video . I'm so glad I watched this. I too had a significant other has biopolar but Is also has narcissistic as well. Took me a while see she was killing my spirit. I just end it this week. We been talking on and off for 2 years . But that is done . And I'm better for it .Stay bless my friend
I noticed that you & have a lot in common with emotions& I have such a hard time with being happy all the time around friends/family& then going home & crying until I fall asleep but lately I've been staying positive by reading books & I like to take a shower when I'm stressed with a body wash that smells delicious (: I love you nicole you are awesome in every way possible!
I really wanna give you a real hug right now! My heart breaks with you when you are telling your story. You are so brave to share your story with everyone here. I'm sure lots of people are gonna be inspired. You are a truly beautiful person. Wish I could give you some strength to find your old happy self. Love you a lot! What do you think to start vlogging? I know I will be enjoying watching it very much! :-)
We all love you and are all here for you!!
I so sorry for all that u have gone through but I'm sending you a prayer n hope you feel better. I just wanna hug you mamaz
I understand all too well. Thank you for making this video 💕🌸
Hi, my name is Ruth and i am so sorry that you had to deal with this . Im at the other end . Im not diagnosed with bipolar disorder but i do get those "episodes" that i hate everyone and everything around me . Ive been in a relationship for 4 years and honestly he has put up with everything, how i have no clue. But back to you, i am genuinely sorry . I wouldnt wish this pain on anyone and i dont know if this is true for Penny Lane but when i am at that state of mind it does hurt me to see
I just want to give you a hug 💖
You are so strong
I know that I would still do anything for him because of how much I love him. But at the same time I know that I have to let him go. Thank you for this video you are amazing person just know that!
Your such a strong person and I really look up to you and pains me to see you cry an be sad. I'm very young so I don't understand how being in love with someone is but I know you can get through this.
I commented on your 1st video , I can relate 100 percent every single thing your saying is exactly what I've been threw I'm totally broken .
I'm sorry you're going through all this. Sending prayers your way.
this is how it is with my gf now..I just blew up at her though..I didnt kow she was bipolar--she doest want to deal with me now though but i miss her and love her
Thank you so much it help me. I was in a relationship like this. I still love her and always will. But I said something to her that's never forgivable and the friendship is over. I hate the thought I hurt her and I did. She was amazing woman and I'll miss what we had she can't help her mental illness. And I'm trying to move on.
Count your lucky stars you are out of that bad relations. Ppl who have BPD do not show any remorse for their actions and always try to portray themselves as the victim. Move on and close the book!
Thank you for expressing your experience. I'll always love him
I'm so glad that I'm seeing this video as I'm currently going through this. I don't know how to let go. I want him to be ok. I thought I was crazy!! OMG!! I'm educating myself on this mental illness so that maybe in the future I can help him.
"so that maybe in the future I can help him." Sorry, but you can't help him the only person that can help him is himself.
the idea of being able to let go because of cheating isn't as clear cut as you think.
My ex cheated on me while going through a manic psychotic episode. I had
to believe that it wasn't her fault since she was completely delusional.
I'm going through the exact samething. It's the worst..
Thanks for the video, I'm going through the same type of relationship and it's helping me understand my bipolar better.
hey Girl keep ur head up high it will get better i know what ur going throw but dont let sadness take over if u like some one talk to them get to know them more and the happynees will take over the sadness we love u. u r very strong just give it time it took me for monts to get over my ex after he hit me
Stay strong Nicole ❤
you have been an inspiration to me you are very sweet thank you for this video it has helped me more than you know
I have followed you since the very start an subscribed and I will never stop
do bipolar ever feel genuine feelings of love towards you? or is it always emotions projected from their illness? basically do they have a real sensation of reality.
Yes! We are extremely empathetic and we care so deeply, the reason we cut people off and then seem to want nothing to do with them is because it hurts us so intensely and we feel so guilty and don't know how to just be friends with someone or have a half-hearted type relationship. We're very black-and-white about things so we're either extremely passionate or nothing.
I love you! You are a beautiful person inside and out mama.
Sweetheart, you ARE important and you ARE somebody. Please stop saying you aren't anything special because you are. You're the type of person I look for in a friend, somebody who is genuine and lovely and caring and on the flipside you seem like you're silly and fun, too! So please, stop and try to see what we see and how we see you.
Oh gosh, I've just realised this is a video from 5 years ago. Are there any updates to Nicole Christine's progress with this issue?
Its very hatd if a person with low self steem dates a bipolar person and it will affect them.
Keep your head up beautiful! I wish I could hug you!
im also a nice person that always get advantage of a lot
Did you ever speak to her again?
Thank you for sharing this.
I just watch Both of your videos and I know how you feel I have anxiety and bipolar and its hard but I am taking meds for mine and it helps me.Yes,we have to have meds to helps us to feel better so I know how u feel in takjng meds for anxiety.Hugs to u and it does not matter if your bi sexual cause I am but have not yet been with another woman like u have dated.Want to chat let me know.
Thanks for subscribing! I subscribed back! So gorgeous!
Thnx for adding me on snap chat nicole ily xoxoxo
Nicole, you are so beautiful, inside and out. Thank you for letting us in your heart. Take your time to heal. Staying positive for me.. I always have in the back of my mind "it could always be worse". Maybe it is the wrong way to look at it but it gives me prespective. Everyone has their own battles and everyone deals with them differently. I believe in you, you are an amazing person. Hope to see you smile soon (really smile). I'm sending you lots of hugs and love.
I so sorry for all that u have gone through but I'm sending you a prayer n hope you feel better. I just wanna hug you mamaz