Understanding Why Narcissists Fear Yet Control Intimacy
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- Опубликовано: 13 июл 2024
- Despite their desire for admiration and control, narcissists struggle with emotional and sexual intimacy. This video explores the characteristics of narcissism that contribute to this fear, including their lack of empathy, self-centerdness, and fear of vulnerability.
Also looking at how narcissists manipulate and control intimacy to maintain their desired power dynamic through tactics such as emotional manipulation, withholding affection, and using sex as a means of punishment or reward using analysis and real-life examples to shed light on the complex interplay between narcissism and intimacy.
00:00 Introduction
00:29 Narcissistic Relationships
02:32 Why they avoid and control intimacy
05:26 How they avoid and control intimacy
10:26 Conclusion
Part One: The Importance of Intimacy
• The Importance of Inti...
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#narcissistrelationship #intimacy #narcissisticabuseawareness
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Don't forget the Narcissist sets themselves up as the only source of emotional support through isolation.
I’ve been thinking about this point of yours a lot. I’ve become basically isolated except for her and her approved family. I always assumed its been my choice, my doing, but I’m beginning to wonder if I wasn’t maneuvered here over the years. Thinking back, she always made sure there was no time for anything except work and family while playing lip service to the notion that I could go do stuff and have friends and a hobby. Whenever I did go do anything she did everything possible to make sure that either her or some other family members were involved, and on the rare occasions that she failed at that she would quiz me relentlessly about everything that happened.
If you have any comments about how they go about isolating us, I would appreciate hearing about it. Thanks!
@@user-xf9lm1cb7q Oh yeah. That's one way they "gaslight" you by making you think it's all your idea or a shared idea but if you try to change your mind or push back in any way then you'd think the world is coming to an end OR they just ignore you and when you bring it up again and again they try to put it in the context of "you're nagging" or something similar. Another way they isolate you is geographically. If there is no way for the narcissist to isolate you in a way like you described, by keeping you so busy you barely have time to think much less reflect, then often times it takes the form of a physical move away from your friends and any kind of support network you may have had. Be careful friend and good luck.
It’s so insidious. For me it was subtly making fun of anyone I spent time with or acting jealous, skeptical of my positive connections with others but then not wanting to spend time with me or blowing me off when I tried to share, knew not to bring up if I spent time with others whole time they were out and about and living it up leaving me alone scrambling to regain favor as Darren said trying to feel emotionally stable and too overwhelmed insecure to even want to see friends after awhile causing me to question and withdraw which left me more alone then doing discard by slow bandaid removal, insidious, recovering now
Future faking is so insidious.
Absolutely true! Narcissist use sex as a tool to control you, whenever they want to punish you for something they think you did wrong, they stop the intimacy. Its a very sick game and whoever is in such a relationship, better run.
That's actually pretty easy. They're afraid you'll figure them out, see that there's nothing under the surface (or just nothing but evil), and wise up and leave. They want your supply, they crave it like a drug, and the last they they want you to know is that you actually have the upper hand here. You call the shots, but they think if they beat you to the punch on that, then you won't realize it and they can control you and the supply they get from you. They literally think they own you, and that you merely exist to service them at their every whim. No. You own yourself, you cut them off or grey rock. You set the boundaries. You call the shots. You're already in charge, and they're just a sniveling, tantruming 3 year old. You got this.
Well said
I am not a 'believer' in the Big Guy in the Sky any longer. . . However I can give my honest praise to that well worded message to boldly testify the bottom line truth! Ty!I'll have to throw you a Big hand clap and you got my endorsed shout out to Preach !!! Well, you've got the level that's necessary in these inhuman hungry wolves were up against. They are predators and they don't retreat easily, in families like mine, they take it personal, my exit is a direct insult. I may as well have staged a live Facebook Showdown and Slapped my Mother's across her face. I feel like how you expressed in the hard reality and I have no tolerance to spread any wild flowers and butterfly garden variety horseshit either. I could care less about the attitude in this twisted idea of a culture where, peace and forgiveness and sticking with the whole idea of, I'll what? Hate what, ah. Huh? Once they're gone I'll feel awful if I'm not on good terms, excuse me but how can I miss what I've had??
How about me being my own idea, at 57, I had better give this little 3 yr old her best shot. No, I don't act three but I have visualized showing up for her. I tuned my imagination since before then, I had to. I'm the scapegoat and so on. I wasn't given any mental verbal assistance in order to develop the ability to form words in the intended order, or wording, sequence, tone, any self expression was pushing my luck. I can communicate so much better by writing and editing the heck out of it.
Yay Me! 🤸🫶❤️🔥💫
It's still going to be a fight to the finish. My family robbed me, but being the underdog, the loser, I'm always underestimated. That's insane but I guess they had my label as the one "insane". They went entirely too far, and lucky for me, I lived through it and have since then finally gotten an address, (until Tuesday October 3rd, I have to scoot, I'm not at all being treated fair here) a not so minor issue, a biggy. Now I get my mail and O.M.G my oh My, they have some explaining to do. Not to me, I won't ever speak to or listen to another second if I can avoid it.
I already hear the horrible nasty loud and damning crap of violet regret for my existence. I will have to learn more vocabulary because I could never find words or understand what to think or how to feel. I only got an introduction to narcissistic parental abusers at around 50 yrs old. Ross Rosenberg and his channel. I've been quite literally grieving since the discovery. . I will no longer allow anyone to assault me in this or any other way. As best I can to avoid it. My place is a shaky space to live and function at the moment. I have so utterly and completely 'disassembled' I guess. Meaning I don't recognize myself as who I had always insisted was standard and a limit I had toward my behavior and the effort I demanded for remaining honest and attractive and my enthusiasm never wore out. Now I'm like someone carrying a hand grenade and fiddling with the pin to make myself clear around most everyone! I hate having to be out and about. I am friendly but only casual . I'm not interested in much conversation. I love my privacy and enjoy my own company now. I don't have that sad and desperate neediness I used to have. I have my own way of being and it's unusual and I am now good with it, it's what works. My life has been from the outside looking in, I have no understanding of how to relate normally, I hope that makes sense. I can't do some things at all easily, like navigating on foot or driving with a GPS. There are more blind spots or mental gaps that I have and I can't explain them so I've split. That's okay because it's served a need. That's been going on forever but I was too embarrassed to bring it up, even to myself.
I have never been so defeated and it's altered who I have been all throughout 5 different bouts of total helplessness and forced into the streets. I do not intend to allow their version of me as a person to be my legacy. I will do all things possible to expose the fraud that shines a rosey glow all over the heap of rotten hypocrisy.
I now let myself get carried away yakking on and on. But, I now don't send most of the rants, I select the whole piece and cut it then i put the words and feelings directly into a very cool little life journal app. I can later edit and rearrange the way that my story will be ultimately published and more useful. That's a good goal in what is left in my being born in the Twilight Zone. 06/26/1966 Detroit Michigan! I'm named after my Dad, Jack Dempsey Strong, a man born in Kentucky in poverty with a sixth grade education. He was a bad ass joker who didn't have to yell to make people nervous. He left this life after giving it his everything. I wasn't sad that he died, I had a drink and said, now you can rest, cheers! It would have been nice to have known him as he aged but that didn't happen. Blah blah blah, enough!
Keep on keeping on! I'll do that to the best of my newly found power of observation. I only really got free from the foggy, toxic fumes being blown in my eyes, ears, ECT just recently.
Singing off. . .
From this new
exploration! 😏💫❤️🔥🫶
Jacklyn Marie 0:50
You just. described my honeymoon. My skiing trip. The death of my father. No genuine remorse.
Everything you said is Spot on. These are the things narcisists do. Staying in a relationship with one means no intimacy, or emotional connection instead you get exploitation and humiliation.
So True-Sadistic Energy.
I do find it difficult having grown up with a narcissistic family to show my vulnerable side. Having done so with family members before I was aware of the family dynamics, with predictable consequences, my nervous system still recoils even outside family relationships. Dealing with my unawareness and anxiety growing up in a stressful environment has become a full time job. Better late than never I suppose.
This video described my former marriage completely. Never enough and always their way. Anything you say can and will be used against you. And they will do the upmost to isolate you from family and friends, especially if they have figured the narcissist out.
Yes my ex husband is a covert narcissist and he said pretty much the same... "Why would we have sex...we've already produced children..." or " sex is for teenagers and I'm not a teenager anymore " I was ridiculed was wanting normal marital intimacy. Oh and you're right, he was obsessed with his 3x girlfriends and I once found a stash of photographs of his exes, he kept them in our marital bedroom!!!!
Best thing I read was " x" husband
This is beyond disgusting, and it hurts to read. But unfortunately does not surprise me. They are truly troubled people to put it lightly. You are definitely a lot better off without that poor excuse of a "man". Hoping your healing journey is going in the right direction 💪
Sounds like he was just interested in getting the trophy 🏆 but not in running the race. Just remember that you are a prize even if he wasn’t.
@welshpokerman101 thanks...yes...life is way better without him...its tiring being a single mum and working full time (narcissist ex husband hasn't paid a penny towards kids) but life is good, I'm regaining my confidence, I might even write a book !
@@charlottekyoto9519 Writing is a great idea. If nothing else it would be great therapy. Good luck!
I also realize now that my gifts either physical or emotional were very often rejected.
So helpful! I went in circles thinking my ex husband was cheating on me! Finally I thought maybe gay 🤷🏻♀️ I convinced myself he had a relationship with a male coworker. Jury is still out on that one. Either way if he was withholding for reasons mentioned in this video I’m still happy I got out. He was my worst critic and in the end a total bore when it came to sex. He preferred relegating our relationship to housemates!! I’m happier alone than living in a daily mind f-!
@CaliJen oh, how I can reconize what you described, luckily I’m free of my ex husband
happens in friendships too. One time I asked my narc ex-friend to not say a phrase I found unhelpful and unsupportive, and would prefer she say something else. She said in response to my alternative, "That sounds really personal. it's probably something only close friends should say to each other though!"
She had been calling me her "best friend" for over 10 years at that point.
Ouch!
Darren please consider a video on the victims of narcisstic childhood abuse 's keen ability to see through lies and attempts at manipulation. I know I sure can and have met many other trauma survivors who can. We saw the government's attempts at persuasion and emotional manipulation. Lost my job over it; lost my family.
Describes my ex to a “T”; wish she could see it beyond the feminist “I am who I am and you should accept me as that! Why don’t you just leave me?!”
She’s right … so you should have left.
This is the best description of how narcissists behave in intimate partner relationships. Succinct and to the point.
Nail on the head ❤ thank you
Every aspect of every presentation relating torelationshiTs with a narcissist has been 100% correct. I lived with one in a same sex M:M relationship for twelve years and as a psychiatrist, I was completely blind-sided by my NNEX (nasty narcissistic ex). Even ten years later I’m still learning about many aspects of the toxic relationship I was in. Simply listening to every single of your presentations, Darren, has helped me more than any other interventions I’ve previously tried to apply. Thank you
Many narc's are reliant on porn because no intimacy required and they just get off with the person they admire most...themselves!
Had a great time on her birthday on vacation in Hawaii. Nice day. Awesome dinner. She blew up the intimacy as we were going to bed. One of many memories burned into my soul.
Another great talk! Thanks! Been there, done that….
I'm pretty sure my partner was a a pedophile. Also sadistic. I suffer so much now because I couldn't figure out his next Supply was my children. I was 16 when we met very very small. Now it took me decades for my brain to figure out because you're dealing with so much abuse. Decades to figure out that's how he additionally was hurting me was by grooming the kids and abusing them. I'm in so much pain quite a bit of the time.
@@ennis4489 Thanks and decades to heal, I just try to keep on learning and trying to understand it all. Therapy to slowly recognize it. Trying to find where I belong. Darren's videos help to understand what was going on. I'm a lifetime learner. I keep trying.
Very helpful, thank you. 👍
100%... Excellent info and insight
Mine used to fly into a fit of rage if the couldn't "perform". There you are trying to be intimate, and he jumps out of bed in anger and leaves. It used to make me feel awful.
Always a fly in the ointment. Why would someone ruin an important moment???
Good video
I do know that compare to others, it was insidious how it crept in
Intimacy is not meant to be controlled by any one who doesn't feel it or experience it in first place! Spectrum of control varies in every individual ranging from mild to extremes.
Coercive control. Sex is coercive and rhus rape?
How do you respond to some snd what sre the difference between borderline snd narcicism ?
Darren , what is that you call " dark empathy " ? Could you explain better so that we are able to conceptualize that expression. Thank you so much.
Hi I’ve made videos on dark empathy and dark personality traits if you’d find those helpful?
Last Christmas LOL.
bit of trouble with audio on this one, for example listen to 10:20-25 & I think you'll hear it. not a complaint, just tryna help
Norwegian Wood
I once had a girl
Or should I say
She once had me
She showed me her room
Isn’t it good
Norwegian wood.
She asked me to stay
And she told me to sit anywhere
So I looked around and I noticed there wasn’t a chair. I sat on the rug biding my time
Drinking her wine
We talked until two
And then she said it’s time for bed
She told me she worked in the morning and started to laugh
I told her I didn’t and crawled off to sleep in the bath
And when I awoke
This bird had flown
So I lit the fire
Isn’t it good
Norwegian wood.
This song has so many meanings for me. I googled Norwegian wood and I think it’s a kind of fake wood veneer like we have in the states. Looks great but is thin. My ex pretended to care for me but failed to come thru. I waited was future faked Had to sleep eat vacation on his timetable.
But after twenty years and a divorce I lit my funeral pyre and am trying to forgive but am so done. Am sure I need therapy but am on my way. Thank you doctor Magee
There's no depth in a puddle.
Aloof & mechanical.
They never enjoy themselves ever
Where are the doctors all these years folls my brother 54 11/11 lol his bday 😂
That's not narcism that's life.
Really poor state of mind
I dont care about sex so i did not care