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Narcissist's False Self HATES, FEARS Your intimacy!
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- Опубликовано: 8 сен 2023
- NPD much like old conception of MPD unintegrated system while BPD like modern conception of DID (OSDD). Both are dissociative, post-traumatic conditions with external regulation of ego functions, affects, and moods.
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Main role of compensatory False Self is to protect the True Self which is shy, fragile, and vulnerable.
True Self no longer psychodynamically active, but False Self is inertial, believes that narcissist will die without it. So, False Self is anxiolytic and aimed to prevent regression to borderline emotional dysregulation.
Like all mental constructs, False Self is self-preserving (aka resistances).
False Self regards therapy and intimacy as not only threats (hurt, pain, heartbreak, hostile takeover), but also as competition: they offer emotional self-regulation and a coherent sense of self-worth, obviating the needs for narcissistic supply and grandiosity, the False Self’s main functions.
Cathexis in the False Self is diverted to therapist or partner and this generates envy of both outsiders and self as good object.
Therapy and healthy (non-dependent) intimacy (friend, lover, child, parents, mentors, etc.) also push towards the emergence of a core identity to replace the False Self. This newly emerging identity feels imposed and external. It constitutes a repeated narcissistic injury (vulnerability rather than omnipotence).
False Self fights back by inducing the twin anxieties (insecure attachment style), amplifying aggression and grandiosity, impairing reality testing via the shared fantasy, leading to paranoid and psychotic ideation thus undermining therapist or intimacy partner. Paranoia is also a form of self-supply.
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Borderline’s False Self is different to the narcissist’s although it is equally grandiose and reliant on others for external regulation.
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The child was crucified, the crucified child is dead, only a shell is left - there’s no foundation to build a healthy child because the nice child that ‘could have been’ is gone, only the false self is left - what is left is a zombie pretending normalcy and lying to survive - all thanks to the narcissistic parents who were damaged by their narcissistic parents - it’s very difficult to break this damaging cycle.
@@Owyourhurtingmeyes, agreed. I’d say though, when the balance in the child is broken it tends to usually swing towards the negative, unfortunately 😢. What you’re saying is that the shell becomes an empath, I’m interested to know if that is truly real or a learned behaviour, an empathic mask?
@@scarletcesinagreed - the super empath attracts narcissists too 😢
@@matia20440I’m not suggesting anything but I’ll tell you what I did. I chose to believe in my creator, I understood that my creator is the only one that knows me and knows who I was as a child before I was crucified. I trust my creator and I’m very happy in the knowledge that my creator knows my worth. I’m still tortured by my family as well, but that’s on them, I really hope they find some peace too.
@@matia20440…I completely resonate with your comment.
Get the help you need. For example the group around Frank Yeomans helped a lot of narcissistic patients and some of them were even cured.@@matia20440
All the narcissists I have known were unable to live alone happily. They all sucked the life out of those close to them.
I am crying over this video. I've spend 10 years of my life from childhood with my covert narc girlfriend. She meant the absolute world to me but as many others I have woken up from the fantasy. This reality feels like a relieve because it explained why she was getting so cruel an abusive but at the same time as a nightmare. The end of a love story that was never real to begin with or at least not what I envisioned it to be. The grieving is of a scale I have never witnessed it before. But trying to stay strong 💪🏼
Plus side: now you are free, and have more life to look forward to
The false self is the illness
This resonates in a way that is indescribable for me. I still cannot help but feel sad for the narcissist. I can’t shake this feeling of deep sadness.
I feel the same sadness for me wife however we have to be careful we to because of the abuse don't become the same way keep in mind that very abuse was part of what made them that way. God bless!
You feel bad until they lie again and then it angers you.... and then it's back to deep sadness because they will forever be slaves to their malignant defenses.
My ex's dad was diagnosed with "bipolar disorder", personally, I don't see any difference between that and narcissism. Always devaluing his children, demeaning, belittling, and everything else that a narcissist does. His wife would talk nasty about her supposed friends and talk about people after they left her home plus she was always so "sick" or she'd say things like "I could be dead soon. I could have a heart attack. Blah blah blah." My dad did the same things saying "I don't know what you'll all do without me." or threatened to leave or kill himself or "I'm in pain and I'll put you all in some pain!" One time he was up in his bedroom and we heard his handgun go off then hit the floor, we all ran upstairs to find him laying in bed laughing his ass off! My poor mother was never "allowed" to say a word or she'd be verbally beaten down the same as the we as children. His brother was no better. I'm going to end here because I get so frickin angry when I think of everything.
After living my entire life under the influence of narcissists, isn't possible that one could suffer from slight paranoia? I mean I have witnessed many other's actions and how they treat others and not just their family members and friends but also coworkers. Is it paranoia to think that they're doing the same behind your back? I observe everything and I break it down and what I am ignorant to I will research it. I'm not saying that I'm innocent in any way but I learned from my mistakes and actions and I did my best to never do it again. With an narcissist as your spouse you will never live down those mistakes or your flaws.
I'm very sorry to hear about your experiences. It's possible for comorbidity of bipolar disorder and NPD or subclinical narcissism. Researching bipolar disorder will quickly reveal the distinction between Bipolar and narcissism. For starters, NPD is a personality disorder, bipolar is a mood disorder.
I have repeatedly heard Psychiatrists note the great similarities in behavior between Narcissist Sociopaths and those w Bi-Polar Disorder, basically saying that when given the assessment test for Narcissistic Sociopathic tendency a person Aflicted with Bipolar Disorder will score very highly on that test, screening for Narcissistic Sociopathic traits, all people who have these personality disorders are actually victims of these disorders trapped within their own affliction, unfortunately they tend to be or are mentally driven by those afflictions to target stalk and in some way to harm their intended victim/s
Now that's not necessarily meaning harming by Physical means but, you better understand that the crazy crap that their mental sickness starts can definitely go there even if they don't want it to, but the odds are if you don't lay down and roll over for them that Physical & Mental harm is exactly what they have on the menu for you.
@@elcee7800
Look, I've been studying this for the last several years and I have learned a lot about their actions because I lived with them all of my life. Don't go assuming that I am just guessing about anything. I've seen every darn thing and I felt every bit of the abuse. Narcissists are narcissists by no other name. I have NO intention of misleading anyone about anything. Wisdom and knowledge are power, always remember that, and you'll save yourself a lot of heartache and headaches.
@@lilyjane1011
Say whatever floats your boat, I've seen and heard it all from both kinds of people, so don't try to convince me otherwise. Educate yourself, go live with these people and then tell me there's an actual difference, because there's not.
The true self cannot be revived in therapy because there is nothing there. So sad.
Completely throw out any idea that this person will be a healthy life partner. NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. Radically accepting this is the beginning of healing. This makes perfect sense why every time I try and present ideas or talk about the healthy relationship I desire and deserve it is triggering for this Narc.
Anxiety producing and worthy of being attacked if you dare suggest such a thing. A very dangerous position for a loving partner to assume.
Sam, I’m not happy with you!! I’ve asked you numerous times to not use my ex’s picture in the thumbnail.
He insisted. Said that it was one of his best.
😂😂😂😂😂😂 win comment
😅😅😅😅😅
So the alternative is to create and cause the pain in their partner that the narcissist would experience if the false self was gone. That explains why it's so painful to fall in love romantically with a narc, or borderline because you feel what they would feel of their false self ceased to exist in them. However, if your a co dependent or empath or both and have all the characteristics and attributes, that their false self is jealous of? That must be why they pick who they pick because their false self knows they can discharge it onto us, and we will also react in a way that when we are discarded and or devalued their egoic false self is reaffirmed when they see our destruction. You have once again allowed my mind to make some conscious intellectual leaps in seeing this more clearly. Mirroring, idealization, projection, as well as the false self ans why the narcissist regresses and seems like some with multiple personality disorder makes more sense now. I literally saw their regression into childhood in front of me. Post discard, I told someone that I trust who has worked with people that deal with these disorders that there were moments when i would have sworn I saw this individual change personalities ever so slightly that it good have been written off as a mood disorder or strong substance abuse. But now i know without a doubt what i saw. My intuition was warning me but like most, I ignored. I was too weak and could not walk away from the fantasy. Like in Pinocchio, I just had to go to pleasure island even though my intuitive self was telling me deep inside that something about going there was not wise and possibly dangerous and I chise not to listen to my jimmy cricket and am now Im trying to work through the pain of becoming a wrecked, deeply saddened, heart broken, spiritually and emotionally a donkey. Will i ever be the real boy (man)I was before I went through the full cycle of becoming intangled romantically ans sexually with a particular covert female somatic narcissist, who is literally rhw most beautiful women I've known and been with. Im beginng to thinkaybe not Professor.
Thank You So Very Much For Sharing This You Are Absolutely Right I Was In Love With This Person Thought We Would Have A Life Together He Should Me He Destroyed My life My Soul My Self Worth I Was Destroyed/Discarded For Loving The Narcissist..
Narcissistic Abuse Is Brutal
Absolutely brilliantly explained why it’s so confusing to the people who try to make a safe space for those who suffer. Our safe space is a threat. Rage and weird resistance will return to keep the false self alive. I had to leave 2x, in sorrow but now at peace. I can’t fix it.
No, you can’t fix it - it’s a dangerous illusion that you’ll never truly know, it can’t be figured out - unfortunately, a real experience to the narcissist. Poor narcissist, never stood a chance of a normal life, abused and then punished for that abuse. Self sabotage forever unless they learn and educate themselves on this condition - knowledge could help…
@thistooshallpass5425.. You are correct and my heart aches for them. Sending up prayers to the Most High God for those who are struggling with this and desire to change, yet struggling to change due to their disorder.🙏🏽🥺🤲🏽
This is simultaneously invigorating and heartbreaking. Through my PTSD I've been clinging to false hope, even tho I know its hopeless. I have 30 years invested! No more - only full acceptance of reality now
@@ladyvirgo013 No chance of a hoover or manipulation anymore in my case - I know too much to be fooled, and nothing can move me. The PTSD was from the shock, the false hope was the product of 30 years invested. Conflicted emotions yes, but I will never be fooled again
I watched The Crowded Room - and it broke my heart. I see the similarities in my own circumstance and trying to reach the victim I always thought I saw dwelling underneath. I know you tell me there is nothing left of him (the original him), but thats the truth I still struggle to deal with and embrace. After everything, I want him to be well and to live, and to find happiness, or at the very least hope and self forgiveness. I always felt I could love him enough to bring him back, make him brave and resurface - and I recognize that's my own ego and I have no right, but it doesnt make anything easier.
Sorry, my English is not the best. What is it called please
I am healing from several consecutive, narcissistic and codependent relationships, the last being the most severe, and the one that awakened me to this dynamic. In my healing, it seems to me that we have psychology and the workings of the human mind, but I can’t help but look at a brighter picture and feel that these vulnerabilities are where evil entities take advantage as well. I became narcissistic in my last relationship try as I might to give, and help him, I became lost in it as well. However, there was a breaking point, and through the pain, I started to turn to God. Pain like that is only remedied through some sort of faith based practice. The only thing that is real is true love. For me, this is what the narcissist needs, but as you describe, will never be allowed to reach for.
Why do I cry listening to this , after he treated me soooo horribly bad … I feel so bad for him … but nothing I can do help .. he’s gone living w his parents again and w tons of support n w his ex again
@@halawashen7464 I tried to help him , but he drained me and took me down , when I was no longer use he went back to his ex … it’s was a mess .. he abused me in every way someone could abuse
@penijoni1316 I think they do that w everyone tho
This is what happening inside me right now. There is a war inside. Been a narc is way more complex than people can imagine.
Do u have npd ? Pls don't judge me for asking, i just need help coz i m facing much difficulty with my partner
@@majesticwork6067 yes I have npd. What's going on with your partner?
@@ARIELH-ot5lzmy husband was a narcissist and he abused me different ways. Can you please explain to me how do you feel being a narcissist and are you self-aware when you hurt people
My ex smoked crack, not to get high but to avoid the utter horror of his own empty, endless smdsrk inner nothingness. He was just alive, waiting to die. Not suicidal, just had nothing, was nothing, just existing until he could die. Crack gave him a brief refuge from the horror inside his own mind, he didn't smoke to get high, just to obligate the endless hell of himself. It broke my heart to be honest.
I agree with this! They use the crack to stop them thinking. X
Maam, why were dating a crackhead?
Woah! Glad you got away from that. I had a mate who used meth (RIP), he was an only child and codependent.
Thank you for explaining this complicated and deep subject of Narcissism. I have suffered from this stuff since childhood!!! I have suffered it as a victim even in personal relationships. I blamed myself for this bad energy. Again, thank you for this innovative approach and deep truths!!!!
Wow. Another knowledge bomb. Than k you. So the false self is the one protecting and saying (when we were talking once about religion) “I dont believe in God I only believe in myself -if you dont mind- angry sneer “
And after listening to your video I suddenly also understand the push pull dynamic and the masks etc and the mortal fear of him surrounding change or not having control. Over anything. But craving intimacy but never allowing anyone near. And being harshest on the people close to him.
What an incredibly lonely tantalus torture… No wonder he needs his addictions to keep going 🤔
Brilliant explanation... #1 whole-picture explanation of why, even though I love the narcissist with all my heart, I will never be able to revive him…
Your help has been instrumental in my understanding and acceptance. Thank you
This video is amazingly helps me understand people with narcissistic personality disorder ( I always been very understanding because I knew to be like that you have to have extreme amount of emotional/ physical/ sexual pain as a child ( usually the combination of those abs I believe in a lot of cases) The more I understand the more saddened and conscious I get and understand it even more and more deeper why people with this disorder ( which type of people I am a magnet of) is it so resistant to healing. This video is the best I ever watched on any other platform ever and you bet I spend hours and hours watching psychological content as my passion is psychology. Not just on narcissistic a lot of other disorder and mental condition etc. You feel when something real is just really comes through! Thank you @Sam Vaknin! Highly appreciate it! 🙏🏻🧠♥️
Your ability to explain with such precise insight and poetic profundity is powerful and unforgettable! I appreciate what you are doing.
I haven't been to your channel for seven years but thought I'd look you up again. You look younger and fitter than you did then .
I got stuck in this narcissistic relationship, i loved him, that was my fault... and now i m in pain, i feel like die better than to live alone. I did nothing wrong to him ever, even i was always there for him in all his difficulties. But he did everything wrong with me, i am left alone for no reason. Why this happens to me
You are trauma bonded dear he never loved you and can't love you that's the fact please go for therapy before that see sam vaknin how narcissist victims heals ?? Please understand nothing is wrong with you he is a walking dead person he too is broken and suffering you cantfix him ..in his eyes he is seeing you as enemy for loving him that is npd he has a personality disorder like a curse God will heal him ...let go of him by forgiving don't say to him that he is npd he will deflect and you will again suffer ..so the gift you can give him to is leeting him go ...
Love yourself work on yourself 😊
If I understand it right, the false self is the bad voice in the narcissist body. But the narcissist can feel that he is not really this fantasy person, so he is covert and needs the narcissistic supply to persuade himself daily. The real self is so weak because it was stopped in the first years when the person was like a white sheet of paper. So there are no alternatives.
Yes! you are absolutely right. The fales self make the narcissist think they are supreme by supplying the narc grandiosity.
I missed you. I'm staying in a hotel after losing my home to a flood. Thank you for all your videos ❤ much love Julie ❤️
Thank you-i recognise someone i used to be close to, in this. They used to totally baffle me at times, with their behaviour.
I myself can see that I more than likely have borderline personality disorder and honestly the false I created ended up being a sexual identify of being a gay male. But now here in my mid-thirties I question who I really am.
Your fales self was a gift from God,( coping mechanism) but there is someone (satan) is not so happy your were give such power. Hence they can make self harm then you get confused.
This is big. Absolutely brilliant
Bravo ! This time you out did yourself - what a fantastic description of one of the most complex dynamics facing humans today as we will all meet a cluster B sooner or later … thank you my dear profesor Vaknin for the insight ❣️
This is the most helpful video so far, probably because I have already learned so much from you previously.
I cannot thank you enough for this. You help more people than you realize.
Professor Vaknin , thank you.
Really one of the best and most insightful videos of yours Dr.Vaknin!!!🎉 thank you!!!
I agree, deeply insightful and I felt healing. Because there’s so much confusion with their inexplicable twists and turns. Now I see it more clearly, why it’s so disorienting. They were navigating a boat I was never on and couldn’t see
Can we tattoo these people so we don’t spent our lives analyzing
I like it
That was the best description of the process that I have heard so far. Thanks!
Vaknin. You are right on point! Keep up the awesome work.
Excellent.
My N-Ex-Friend declared:
1) I’ve never had my heart broken; I pull back my heart when I sense it is mishandled
2) I’ve found my momma (in you)
3) I don’t lose people (he stays in contact with all ex-partners/wives
4) I can’t live alone: I can’t be by myself
5) I’m a good person (as if trying to convince himself, esp. after hurting me/gaslighting me/omitting true, etc.)
6) You are not a victim! (After hurting me.)
7) {Has conversations with himself}
8) He has always been wronged
9) Always blames his ex-partners for his poor choices
10) The list goes on and on….
My ex partner would go on and on about the false self and the battle and the seduction and the deception. Says the had been deceived for years. All the time talking about the absolutely fake stories of superhuman fears, knowing famous people who would do anything for him, and talking to me in his head. Stays up all night talking to himself and resolving things. When we were together, just when things were going good, he would start calling me names and sabotage the new level of closeness we had. Drinking only made it worse. I've left many times but come back but Sam you give me the strength and wisdom to know better. he would also never stop talking about divinity. Thank you for your explanations
Wow wow wow!!! Thank you Sam ✌️
WOW. This hits too close to home… my brother shows A LOT of Narcissistic/Sociopathic traits. Very impulsive, and destructive always chasing chaos to those around him-a huge fear of being controlled.
The inner child dying/sacrificed… I remember when my brother who is now 30yrs old, but when he was 5yrs old him and my older brother (3 years older) they were out by a bonfire outside in our backyard and without adult supervision my youngest brother was quickly engulfed in flames head to toe. My older brother quickly did stop drop and roll to him. He went to the hospital and wouldn’t you know there was not a single burn scare on his body. My younger brother remembers at that point it’s like someone else stepped into his body and he was no longer there. 🤯
Thank you for all your great work. I always appreciate the intricate explanations.
Thank you sooooo much Dr. Sam Vaknin for taking the time to spend on this topic. 💜 This was one of the most well informed videos that I have seen on this topic to date, and I've watched many in order to understand this disorder. I took psychology in College and have not learned this much. Blessings to you and thanks again! 🙏🏽💜
Exceptional!
Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin ❤
I am starting to feel sorry for the narcissist as he/she planned their own funerals and no one came to pay condolences except the false self
How can we tell apart what happening inside people pleaser or avoided personality since both are hiding their real self from cluster B patients who have true and false self??
AS a BW living in America, aware of all that has been engineered for all existing groups' mindset and actions, I find it incredible, the outcomes of this fantastic game of human fragmentation and manufacturing of supremacy implemented and sustained by protected groups; so-called minorities. While maintaining his pedestal existence, WM live in a semi-conscious awareness of degradation, yet the illusion of supremacy and maintaining pseudo-superiority, they'd rather remain on this aggrandized phantom existence than be human. _"The global manufacturing of narcissists that continues to metastasize throughout the universe, breeding humans to dwell in the false-self."_ The one action that can save the human race is unity. However, vanity prevents us from destroying our toxic egos that drives most humans to _"remain inside the building as it burns."_
Prof Vaknin, what if the narcississt finds some connection with a non-human like what if they get attached to an interest/hobby like painting or a project like building a dream house or a daily routine, will that provoke the false-self's envy? And if so, can it evolve into something like writer's block?
Only if it involves close collaboration with other people.
@@samvakninOk, Thank you Professor for answering.
Narcissists shorten the lives of most people around them. Here's the hope...they die alone.
How does this relate to Internal Family Systems? Is the grandiose false self just another protector or is it its own thing and not related to IFS model?
Search the channel.
The Crowded House? Or Room?
Room. www.imdb.com/title/tt14417718/
Sam Vankin how do you know cold therapy works?
Vaknin. Cold therapy is a compilation of tried and true techniques borrowed from other treatment modalities or founded on them.
Would you say there's a specific age in which the true self may be more likely to be "gone" without recourse?
Around 6-9 years, depending on multiple factors.
Thank you, Sam!
Question: we are dissecting the narcissist to bits and pieces and we know about the false self and the real self that no longer exists…is anyone trying to find a solution for these people…a cure? Now that they’re everywhere shouldn’t we be looking to help them instead of becoming their victims…coz the more narcissists and the more victims is going to create a damaged false society and relationships on all levels
Watch the cold therapy playlist and the therapies playlist.
Why the narcissist has not become his false self ,with the practice of the role he adopted from childhood.
???
@@mrs.jeremiza There is no "he". There is only the False Self. The narcissist IS the false self. Suggest you actually listen to what I am saying in this video.
Now everyone who was discarded cheated on , or their partner refused to Take out the gurbage, they think they suffered narcisstic abuse, people are idiots
Je t'Aime, Professor Vaknin.