Rules to Overcome People-Pleasing Caused by Narcissistic Parents
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- Опубликовано: 8 авг 2023
- Overcome people pleasing that was ingrained in you by toxic parenting. Learn to say no, boost self-esteem, and be your real self regardless of guilt & shame.
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For over 45 Years, Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC has helped 1000s of People in the Same Situation as You… As a family system and self-differentiation coach, he uses his knowledge to help clients permanently get unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to substitute for professional counseling help. Be sure to consult a professional in helping you with these integrate and utilize these concepts.
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Hi Jerry, will you be hosting another one in the new year?
There no information available about malignant narcissistic mother in law. If have any video,
“Just because a person has a need or want - doesn’t mean you are the person to meet it..”
Bombshell!
But It’s my job to save the world from famine, to save all the refugees, to save all the lonely people, to include the socially awkward...even though I have barely enough to survive myself!
Anna I agree with 💯. That line really stood out to me as well! 💛
About fell over. I would put people in touch with resources that could provide pro level help. I was disappointed that my new strategy did not help anyone. These people did not want the help. They wanted me . . . though I was doing them no good. On second thought, maybe supplying others referrals from my handy list of resources helped me. Because I was doing the right thing.
I wish this one did take me 29 years to learn I tell my younger siblings learn to say now!!
I was going to mention this in the video, but just hate to get too preachy. Jesus did say, In John 12:8 he said "The poor will always be with you, but you will not always have me with you." So there will always be needy people, poor people, destitute people. It does not mean we as fellow human beings would not do well to help others, but there will always be those who have great needs among you. bottom line: so none of us can do it all, or even all of us can do it all.
🙏🏻 thanks for your comment Jerry.
My comment comes from growing up religious - my natural kindness and compassion were used to control and exploit me, by the church, by school, parents. Defending the bullied kids, til I got bullied along with them. Giving money I didn’t have to give to people, charity boxes.
I never even had any kind of financial or survival plan, because thinking about myself in anyway felt selfish.
I look back and the priests were drinking fine wines and gambling, the school teachers were using me to do their job with problematic or slow kids, my parents were shaping me to be their caretakers..
Dont throw your pearls to swine.
“ just because someone has a need and they around you doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be that one to meet that need “
I came across this great phrase recently “servant energy”
I thought Omg that’s me! No wonder people disrespect me all the time!
I was trained, well really bullied and coerced into taking on the servant role..
It makes perfect sense to sometimes fawn over that person and sometimes detach and protect yourself from that person based on how that person is currently responding to you. Fearful-Avoidance means getting caught between these two extreme response patterns. Constantly making assessment which of these insecure responses are better one to use in this situation is the perfect response pattern when you are trapped in abusive situation.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
Don't do anything for anybody anymore. You get used. That's all.
@@robertafierro5592 From one extreme to another.
That is called Splitting - and it is official mental illness that needs psychiatric attention and cure.
Dont throw your pearls to swine
@ranc1977
Excellent quote thank you
People pleasing is your subconscious way to non-confrontational, a menifestation of fear result of trauma trapped in the body.
Another huge presentation❤
I recently went no contact with my elderly parents that I'm enmeshed with, when I finally realized I couldn't even think of my mom without having an anxiety attack. It's been freaking brutal. I am seeing therapists and I start an EMDR session for C-PTSD today. In my family you weren't allowed to say No, or my mother would explode into a rage. Living your own life was not even a concept. Into my 30s I honestly believed that my sole purpose in life was to make my parents proud and to take care of my mother. Self-worth is beyond negative. It is a hateful, hateful thing when the filters come down and you finally see your family for what it is.
Also double curses to the mental health field that convinced me that I was born "with a chemical imbalance" and all the magic pills would fix my woes. (They didn't) Meanwhile my mother would gossip about my treatment, have me report to her multiple times a day, and even come with me to group therapy and tell everyone about my sexual development and get a high off of it. No one ever thought to look at family dynamics.
Just feeling angry right now. It's still only been 2 weeks going no contact.
Wow! Your experience sounds just like mine. I’m 8 months no contact. You can do it!
Stay strong! No contact feels like such a relief and I’m finally finding a “normal” existence.
@@Frances864I'm still no contact and doing OK. Therapy is starting to help. 👍👍
@@gojiberry7201 ❤🩹I had a few horribly angry teenage years, and no one ever thought to look at our family dynamics either. All I remember along those lines was a teacher inviting me to stay with her, and how she went on a bit about how her family has dinner together every night and other mundane routines in her family. I remember being puzzled by this, but in retrospect I think she may have been kind of wondering out loud what goes on in my family, though she didn’t ask. But no we never had family dinner in my family home, it was not a cozy nice home at all. No family holidays or other quality times either, I don’t understand it as my mum (who decided these things) did go skiing and summer beach holidays with her parents, so why not with us? Or bake a cake together…anything pleasant would have been nice really?! Not a financial issue either, I just don’t understand why my parents couldn’t and still don’t enjoy their life. They only want to sit inside and talk about “problems.” And then they feel victimized when people don’t want to do this with them.
It’s ok and perfectly human to feel angry at this point! It’ll be worth it to come out on the other side and live your life for yourself!! 💪🏼
People pleasing makes me angry bc I am doing what I don't really want to do so...people will like me. Thanks Jerry.
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I’m learning that “self interest” is not selfishness. It’s normal and healthy and normal, healthy people respond well to it. It’s taken me 60 years to learn that, mind you. But it’s finally taking hold.
Investing in my own well-being by having online coaching sessions with Jerry back in 2019 was the best thing I have done for myself. If you’re watching this video thinking about doing the same, go for it. What I learned changed my life. Thank you, Jerry. I’m forever grateful, from Buckinghamshire, UK.
That is awesome! Thank you for your kind words.
HE does not mention trauma. HE is a quack.
10 Common Struggles for Adult Children of Alcoholics
1. Being rigid and inflexible
2. Difficulty trusting or being closed off
3. Shame and loneliness
4. Self-criticism
5. Perfectionism
6. People pleasing
7. Being highly sensitive or reactive
8. Being overly responsible...
I do find his videos helpful but I think he mentioned somewhere that he's religious, maybe a preacher of some kind, and as an atheist who ran away from a sect of fundamental christians, that is not a good fit for me. I'm glad it worked for you though. It's a bit like cancer treatment: with a good medical team, the treatment will be tailor made for each patient (for example we have different versions for the enzymes in our liver - cytochrome P450 - so we process drugs differently, we have preexisting conditions etc.)
@@yehmen29 Continue watching my videos, you got the story wrong :)
Glad you find my videos helpful, I hope they continue helping you
By learning to stop being a people pleaser you learn how to start pleasing yourself.💛 Excellent video Jerry 💯🎯💪👏👏👏
100%
Narcissist?
@@ranc1977Missing the point??
@@chrissttiiee People pleasing is not sickness nor abnormality. Without it we would not have ability for empathy and connecting with others.
Other people would serve us as a tool that we discard after we satisfied our needs, trash it aside until the need comes again.
That is why we see the rise of narcissism in the world because HSPs , empaths, victims of abuse are explained that people pleasing is sickness and abnormality while abusers are never taken accountable for their abuse.
Our reactions, our brain , our thinking, our opinions - if we do not harm anyone with it - it is not sick. It is not abnormal, there is nothing to fix.
IF there are evil people who take advantage of our kind heart - it is the evil people who are the one and only and true problem. Not us.
This theme is seen over and over in toxic world -
if a woman is abused - the toxic society will blame her for being weak or choosing the hooligans, or dressing provocatively.
No one looks at the evil person who is committing the crime.
Somehow we are always at fault, not evil anti-social monsters.
It's alright now. I learned my lesson well. You see you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself.
I remember that song.
@@pstewart6537 It's a good one!
Adult children of alcoholics did the best they could do to survive as children. Their behaviors, coping skills and personalities were shaped by chaos and trauma. As adults their inner child is still exiled and terrified lead to compensatory.
🟥Doc Snipes
@@pstewart6537 Garden Party - Rick Nelson
i remember being in kindergarten,I went to speech class and got rewarded a WHOLE sticker page, not just one sticker ,in a home where my mom only stole for our toys, that was exciting! I came back to class during story time,so I went straight to sitting on the floor, a girl saw I had stickers and ask if she could have one, "Yes."
so she picked the one she wanted,
then asked for another one, "Okay."
Then finally she looked at me, "Can I have the whole thing?"
I handed it over.
I didnt know the girl, and I could never understand why I couldnt say no, it always bewildered me, I was 5, had my mom already mentally shaped and molded me at that young innocent age?
I have had to endure a crazy elderly narc mom who is trying to force me to become her care taker so she can gain control over me financially due to her poor planning. I am saying no! She's tried to force me to sell my house so she can get me to pay her bills instead of her selling. The false guilt can keep you in these damaging relationships
So sorry that you have to go through this. ❤
@@TYGZus777 thank you, and I am an only child as well. But these videos are provided so much assistance for me
Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics
- struggles with maintaining interpersonal relationships
- struggles with codependency
- impulsive or dangerous behaviors
- anxiety and hypervigilance
- fear of abandonment
- conflict avoidance/fear of conflict
- constantly seeking approval
- struggles with authority figures
- poor communication
- struggles with emotional regulation
- poor self-esteem and self-image, or constantly feeling "different"
@@msbg8385you owe her nothing and she could cost you your life- you could end up a broken breathing shell.
She will say the most hateful things about you and you have a responsibility to you- it’s what she does let her say them. She could live a long time yet… only few people get this…
@@ranc1977good post
Excellent presentation!
"You can say 'No.'" I have learned to say no, but it sure has caused family alienation. I have a lot of covert narcissistic women in my family and extended family. They are master manipulators. My telling them "No" has turned into huge smear campaigns against me. Some family members sided with the covert narcs, and most of the others just view me as the one who pushed all of them away. No one that I know can be told "No" without lashing out in some way, including bystanders who aren't even directly involved in the request. The older I get, the higher the percentage of emotionally immature, manipulative people I see.
Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
🟨Janet G. Woititz
Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval.
🟨Janet G. Woititz
Yep. This.
Exactly, alot of people don't like you saying no to them...its far from easy
@@jammyjay917 "People will constantly tell you to be yourself but when you do, they will still say "not like that!" If the world truly wanted you to be real, they wouldn't make their disapproval of you so clear once you are. The truth is that people only want you to be real to the extent that they are comfortable with and in a way that they can approve of."
(YT sclera 74)
Right! Saying no is the easiest part for me. But dealing with the aftermath of the "No" is the hardest part. People get mad at you for not doing what they want you to do and make your life miserable. Sometimes to the extent that you have to give it to make it stop - then it becomes coercive control abuse. This happened a lot in my childhood and I still haven't figured out how to do deal with that in my adulthood. When people with authoritiy (for example my manager) ask me to do something I find it hard to say no and then I feel bad after saying yes while my plate is full already. And then work culture tells you that "you should always say yes to every opportunity!", which doesn't help protect myself against overwork and burnout. It is truly difficult to be balanced in selfishness.
"A man chooses, a slave obeys" - Bioshock
We have to learn saying "No!" is a complete sentence with no explanation needed!
I was recently asked if I would make an elaborate dish for a friends upcoming event - with 4 days notice. I *could* have, with great effort, but I really didn't *want* to, so I practiced saying "No" to a "safe" person - and naturally, I was met with, "No worries, I completely understand!" The world didn't end, I wasn't called names or shamed for my noncompliance and no one was angry at me. I've found that practicing saying "No" with safe people, helps me be stronger in my frame of resolve when I say 'no' to the N's in my life.
I just had to say NO to a really good friend. I'm not used to doing this and I was short and unapologetic. I think he's mad, but my safety is more important. People often forget all the good I've done for them because they're surprised and lost in the moment.
NO is an answer. No need to say anything else. Just walk away.🎉
I've started saying " NO " to my weekend neighbors. They don't bother to help me with my projects but, they expect me to say "yes " to their projects. They need to help taking their boat & dock out shortly.
I have started composing little songs with only the word "No" using melodic humming. I sing this to myself when I get the chance to be alone. Singing "No" in a lullaby like form helps me know that "No" is a beautiful thing to say. I'm still scared of being seen as a "bitch" or "rude". But I have to take care of myself. No is loving. I love the idea of becoming the "No girl".
I loved the
Stop being perfect at being a helper
That’s what happened in my family
Only loved when I helped
Now I’m learning to say no and feel my feelings instead of empathise other people.
This was meant for me, I have had a narsisist mother and sister; so I have been told all my childhood how I was suppose to be and what I should think, I have been a yes person, so I am very happy to listen to your video, it is very helpful to me. Kirstine from Denmark
Great Video!! I keep trying to tell my wife that she needs to be more selfish because she is constantly trying to please others all the time.
Try and fail, try and fail again, try and win and at some point your self respect gets bigger. Boundaries feel good.
I definitely was raised to believe that self sacrifice was righteous and the morally superior thing to do. Thank you for calling that out. I think that's the hardest thing to fight against when I'm thinking of myself.
I think it shows you love them more when you can tell them no.
This is 100% my experience and how I thought about approaching my deep need to have positive outcomes. I spent years of coaching then years of trauma therapy working on this and still work on it. It was deep, primal fear that if I didn’t keep everyone else’s concerns and needs before mine I would be like my parents and family as well as acting out the low self worth that was ground into me since I was little. I looked at that it the same way you outlined with the pendulum statement, “if I’m toxically selfless, if I act what I believe is selfish, I might just fall in the middle somewhere”. If I could put a finger on the one thing that has hampered my progress the most, is probably not being compassionate with myself. After all these years I’ve been at this, I’m losing patience even more that I had in the beginning.
Thanks for sharing, im battling what you speak of now.
Yes, I'm realising that self compassion is so important 🤗✌️🙏🦋
Where I think I struggle with this is that wider society *punishes* women if / when women fail - or, more, refuse - to be people-pleasers
I feel like even the best therapists, counselors, and helping professionals kind of shy away from addressing that
Yes the woman looks after . Its been conditioned in us from a masculine dominated society. Just because we give birth and seen as a carer, doesn't mean we want children in adult bodies to look after all of our lives. Living our lives for others.
Yes…
Don't wait for someone else to give you permission to rewrite your job description! Society punishes women when they draw boundaries - so it's not personal and it's not up to you to shoulder the response. It takes a lot of strength and courage to hold this boundary but it will benefit you...
Yes, it’s a noticeable lack, isn’t it? it would help to hear how to deal with the punishments that will come your way if you are a woman who says no.There’ll be serious repercussions for most women and for some, it will be dangerous.
So thought provoking 🎉 thank you. Funny how we keep pleasing the needy and demanding ones but the quiet, detached ones dont get any coz they dont demand it. We think if they are not demanding it they arent needy.
Ha, but I am a (somewhat fed up) empath and I do redistribute my love and attention to those who don’t ask. I think I take it a little far😂, as I also try to stop the pecking order with our chickens haha, and feed the ones on the bottom more. But always been very sensitive to this, I think it started in my family when my almost deaf grandpa would not get a look in on the conversation. I couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t try harder to include him, he was so cute and lovable! If he tried to watch TV, my mum would turn the volume down, and then he’d sit there watching a TV he couldn’t hear💔. I was always baffled by her lack of empathy.
Well, bleep. Jerry Wise is a mind reader. Yesterday I realized why I became a people pleaser, and that I needed to undo it. And, here he is with this video. Unbelievable and wonderful! Thank you!
This was perfect strategy for you when you were young, if you are growing up in a home where emotional openness, intimacy and authenticity were repeatedly rejected by your caregivers, the smart, the most adaptive thing to do is to learn to inhibit what you truly feel. And to exaggerate things that you don't truly feel in order to get your things met. Babies cannot be manipulative, don't have capacity to be manipulative.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
That's why I surrounded myself with pets. That's how I (try to) limit space and time for others.
THANK YOU FOR THIS
I'M HARDEST PLEASER CASE
Learning to say no afforded me an imperceptible shift. It has been long lasting and feel so good. And it truly did weed out some toxic people.
Thank you so much! You're so right. I am a recovering people pleaser and approval addict. I am 51 years old and just starting to find my authentic self, my voice, and getting emotionally healthy for the first time in my life. I had a deep root of rejection, low self-esteem, and low self-worth. My brokenness resulted from being raised by a narcissistic abusive mother and being sexually abused and other very traumatic issues earlier and later in life. This led to major struggles with my identity, fear of people, and chronic people-pleasing all my life. Now, I am in such a better place and really coming into my true self, and it's beautiful to finally be experiencing true freedom. Your channel has helped me a lot over the years and I would like to thank you for posting this teaching for free. Where can we support you?
Saying 'yes' all the time when people ask you to do stuff is simply going to get you into a LOT of trouble when you become an adult and go out in the real world. The world is full of narcissists and generally bad people who will use you and take advantage of you by trying to help and please people. I learned it the hard way after I graduated high school and started working. Some people never learn and live a miserable life of carrying other people's burdens.
Help people who aren't asking, but they need help is soo good ❤
Hi Jerry! Love the content. Straight to the point and zero B.S. love ya 🎉
There is a big difference between those of us who are simply very kind and love love, and we are doing it all because this is our authentic self VS those who do because they want somebody to love, compliment, or value them. I've never been a people pleaser, I've been a woman with a strong identity and gentle soul.
Thank you so much for your videos. I grew up with two narcissistic parents and was also the family scapegoat. I am 47 now and in full time ministry. I recently came very close to total burnout because of people pleasing and the consequences of growing up this way. I only found out what narcissism is two years ago and since then I have made a lot of progress and I'm learning to implement boundaries as well. Thank you for your channel.
You are welcome, thank you for watching.
Don’t use the word ”selfish”, rather self-responsibility or self-focus. I have found that when I neglect myself & duties towards managing my own life bc I focus on helping others, I get into trouble and then nobody wants to help me ie I myself become a problem….
Selfish is never a good thing
Responsibility is good and we have duties both towards others and towards ourselves as adults
Is it possible to be a "men-pleaser" instead of people-pleaser? Because I so wish to have a boyfriend (I never had one) I have done things for men that made me feel very sad and unappreciated. I did things to make them like me and tried to be "perfect". Now I've had enough and cried my eyes out enough and keep saying no to men that are emotionally immature or when they are only interested in my body. All these stupid articles online that tell women "how to be the perfect date or perfect woman" that was all made for people-pleasing type of women - its a trap. 💥 Now i see that.
Never mould yourself for someone to like you.
Invited people to thanksgiving. They said yes then bailed and didn’t have the courtesy to tell me. Among other times of people not reciprocating my offers and the feeling it beings up, I am people pleasing and it’s toxic. Definitely need to work on being selfish.
I'm learning to say no, but some family members and friends dont seem to like us saying no...but i shall continue doing it, because as you say, if they dont like you saying no, they really do need to get over it, and perhaps they are not good people to have around you...
They won’t like it to start but if you stick to it, they’ll eventually give up being “shocked” at you saying no to them. But if they get worse, more controlling, more demeaning, more demanding, etc. then it’s time to reconsider your relationship with them: avoid them except for absolutely necessary interactions, spend more time with people who actually reciprocate your decency without being told to, or completely disengage and don’t give any reasons why you do. The last one is especially true for so-called “friends”. Take care! Keep saying no! “No” is the most powerful word and leads to freedom, inner peace and true joy!
For 40 years I felt almost perpetually baffled by all the anxiety out there. It seems delusional to me, because the anxiety seems usually focused on totally normal circumstances. Like, your problems aren't that unique bud. It's like anxiety is simply the way most people engage with the world. And I really mean most people. At least in my neck of the woods. I spent most of my life bending over backwards to help or create value in any way I could. No amount of sacrifice made a bit of difference. Not one bit. I've come to view myself as codependent, a perfect target for narcissism. Letting these people twist about in the wind has been the hardest thing I've ever done, but they will push you to your death if you let them. I found myself profoundly disillusioned and unhealthy, all for nothing. Cutting off the most toxic people in my life and turning focus to getting back in shape for the past 6 years has been the best project ever. I have to admit I still find myself keeping people at a distance and proceeding with caution, which feels uber unnatural but evidently the map of the world I used to work from was clearly a sh*tshow. Perhaps this is what it feels like to have boundaries?
What can one do if you financially support a mum (pop passed years ago) and it’s never enough? Mum won’t make any changes on her living situation. Yet it easy to say when she doesn’t pay for it. When I say no to “I want more” the rage is unconscionable. Yet sibling gets a pass to do NOTHING. The entitlement is sad.
And he never talks about real life situations like this one.
He simply pathologize us as abnormal and sick and dumps toxic shame for surviving toxic people.
A former church member did a Facebook live discussing self righteousness and boundaries...more or less indicating that we can use boundaries as a way to get out of doing God's work that its a heart posture problem...I of course after years of jerry have learned that people like me who lack boundaries and over function...we tend to become self righteous because we end up in that martyr dynamic with under functioners...that we are the "better" ones. That for people like me to set boundaries would involve leaving the heart out of the equation because I tend to function from a position of toxic empathy and Jesus certainly had healthy boundaries from all the stories I read and boundaries are a form of self love and protection. The self righteousness us codependents feel can blind us to our dysfunction because compared to our under functioning partners..friends family...we seem like the good stable one
people pleasing used to cause me to almost lose myself..glad that life chapter ended!
I wish someone told me this decades ago. I was taught to people please since I could walk and talk. Remember when I was about 7yrs old I gave my seat on the bus to a lady, because I was taught to do so. What did she do? She placed her son (older than me) in it "because he was so tired". That stopped my mother to encourage me to jump up and give away everything to strangers.
Adult child = my Husband
Get rid
Super helpful video, Jerry. Thank you! I have an older sister who is always balking at everyone that no one helps her enough when the entire family has been bending over backwards to help her for years (she's a single, divorced mother of a 14-year-old). Adult tantrums are her usual form of abusive behavior at the age of 47. It's exhausting and nerve-wracking for all of us, but especially for me because I am younger than she is, HSP, and dealing with my own stressors, which I learned a long time ago to not talk to her about as it ends up in a "who's life is worse "competition. Absurd. I used to say yes to her all the time because I was so afraid of her cruel outbursts. With therapy and the help of my closest friends and loving fiancé I have learned to say No to her. I can't say it yet without feeling guilty as she always seems to push my buttons or manipulate me. It's such a challenging process! I have to keep reminding myself that it's okay to say No!
Thank you for this. I've been recovering from my people pleasing and fawning and so much of this resonates.
Thank you.
Checked all the comments and all I can see good people are self loathing themselves for being good. I ADORE selfless people , they are Gods in human forms, and unnoticed leaders of the human psyche. Giving this ultimate quality a lover vibe is so contemporary. Since I am not a people pleaser I have to unsubscribe from your channel but with my respect for the good work you had do.*mind you this is not a complement but a fact.
Thanks Jerry. After accepting my parents and family for who they truly are (by what they do/don’t do and not by what they say nor what my inner child wants to believe), it’s been a lot easier to be selfish. In fact, it’s not actually “selfish” but it felt that way in the beginning and sometimes still does if I’m not cognizant or self-aware. In fact, it is quite normal and healthy to have wants and boundaries for myself as others do. This is the normal way of living life with others!
The road to hell was paved with good intentions.
I'm thanking you from the bottom of my heart, your words " just because people have needs, doesn't mean you have to be the one to solve them ". I'm not sure I've been told that before, I feel like my whole purpose on this planet is to serve others . It's very hard to build yourself up from nothing, even if I manage to find a good deal of calm success it always seems to unravel, eventually.... I thought I was the literal disfunction, from birth... ❤ thank you Mr. Wise
This video is very helpful. Thank you.
I am always thinking to myself, if I wasn’t around, what would all these people do!?
I love this video so much and it’s helping me to stop being a people pleaser. Thank you, Jerry.
That video was meant for me. Sacrificial and martyr are my middle names.
I feel so validated. This has been my journey and through self reflection and a heck lot of pauses, I have journalled similar rules for myself and the same thoughts behind it.
The worst part is the intensely deep subconscious priming of wanting to please. It crops up like on reflex. Glad I am able to pause midway now. But really what a journey this becomes! It is not as straightforward as just do it or don't.
To help myself learn to say no, I just recently started automatically saying no to everything. If I choose to change my mind later I can, but I don't have to!
So true. I was such a people pleaser and after quite a bit of reading and reflecting I said no to everything. I spent money on myself, bought a couple of nice clothing items, when my old car got wrecked I actually spent the money and bought a nice car ( not a Mercedes or bmw, but a newer Mazda - I was accustomed to driving death traps), I got the things I needed to pursue the interests that I want to pursue and not what everyone else expects me to do. It is “selfish”, but when a person has been so preoccupied with the wants and whims of others, “selfish” pulls you toward the center closer to “normal”. And it makes people more interested in you, that is, the right kind of people.
mr wise, you have been the best guidance as I navigate my way through cutting my toxic family and discovering my true self. im getting in shape, im not drinking anymore, im overall just happier with being me. bless you sir
Wonderful!
Thank you for this informative video, Jerry. I love the point you made about learning not to be a people pleaser keeps away the type who need to be pleased❣️
The point with the "yesser" is very, very good. Thank you very much!🙏
Great video. I think its so important to take a good hard look at your own core beliefs and values and TO THY OWN SELF BE TRUE TO YOURSELF! Then take a look at your own core wounds and see that certain toxic individuals will only continue to wound you. THOSE are the precise individuals that you must learn to be selfish with and say NO to. Give and then watch their reciprocation. If its not mutual then give to yourself more.
14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic ("The Laundry List")
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Thank you, so much, Jerry!
As clear and useful as usual 😊
So good. Thanks Jerry
Makes sense brother 🙏🏻
This makes so much sense! Thank you.
Thanks Jerry. Thanks youtube.
You are very welcome
Oh man, I needed this video. Thank you.
Be Wise!! Love your content Jerry.
Please keep this content coming Jerry! As there are many others like me, people pleaser to extreme, that need help overcoming this. Thanks Jerry!
Great video, thank you, Jerry!
Thank you so much ☺️
Thanks Jerry!!!Merry christmas!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH❤
awesome 💜
Yes need to be Selfish! Yes to this. We who had no Self.
Thanks a lot
Jerry, you are the best. That is not an attempt to people please. You have helped me so much. Thank you
Hi Jerry ❤
As always, right message, right on Time !
He is projecting toxic shame and pathology onto you and you thank him?
Brilliant. Thank you. What incredible value. Bless you.
Ableist brainwashing fest.
Great video! Please help us apply this to our adult children!
Thank you!!!
You are so welcome!
This is a single most helpful channel I've come across.
This video is amazing, just what I needed right now.
Thank you for all that you do!
He is using toxic shame to pathologize your survival mechanisms and you thank him?
EXCELLENT video, Jerry!! Living at '90 degrees,' we will VALUE - even WELCOME - an authentic 'No' from our others - especially our closest others, eh?!! Thanks, Jerry.
resonates, much appreciated Jerry as always for your great work and insights.
He is full of BS.
Thank you.❤
You're very welcome
Your insights are very helpful during my own process in trauma therapy…. big hug from Germany😊
Thank you for all your help!
You're very welcome!
As always, you were very helpful! the best #peoplepleasing rules I've ever heard. Thank you!
Glad it was helpful Alexandra
This took most of my life to learn.
Amazing message. People don’t say this enough. I am in a situation with my entire family just assuming I’ll go there, be there, do this do that because it’s what I’ve always done! I have been doing things for others for so long I don’t know how to do stuff for myself! Hahaha wow thank you for this.
I loved every single word, Jerry, great video, all makes sense
Awesome, thank you!
Always good stuff.. Keep it up..
Thanks, will do!
You are truly a Godsend. I needed this big time. Love and peace.
Appreciate that ❤️
Thank you so much.
You're welcome!🙂