How to Know When to End a Relationship
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- Опубликовано: 22 май 2024
- Make up or break up? Knowing when to call it quits.
If you’ve ever been through a rough patch, you know this is a painful question to answer. Do you stick it out? Do you cut the cord and run? Do you sacrifice more to make it work? Do you demand your partner give up everything and run away to Fiji and live happily ever after?
These are the hard questions we answer in this episode.
To help us figure this out, I’m going to be roasting viewers’ relationships with their partners. I’m going to go over five real-world examples sent in from you, fans struggling with relationships, and in the process I’m going to share the three questions we must all ask ourselves to figure out if it’s time to break up.
So get your hot sauce ready, because shit’s about to get spicy. Maybe even have your partner join you for this one. It could be fun… or it could ruin your marriage. Let me know.
00:00 Introduction
02:12 Reader question #1: Do I leave my wife who appears to hate me?
08:27 Reader question #2: Should I leave my husband of 19 years with whom I feel entirely incompatible?
15:33 Reader question #3: My husband’s dream is ruining our marriage. What do I do?
23:28 Reader question #4: I’m in an amazing relationship but I’m uncertain about our future. Should I end it?
29:16 Reader question #5: I broke up with my girlfriend who has many issues and I’m regretting it. Am I abandoning her?
35:35 Summary: three questions to decide whether to break up
Theme Song: “Throne” by Bring Me The Horizon
License ID: XYeXG67A8bL
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"A lot of people, they don't love who their partner is. They love who their partner could be or they love who their partner used to be".
Wrong. They stay for financial and convenient reasons. No true love. Relationships are two insecure individuals using and tolerating each other for their own selfish needs and wants for the fear of being alone. Relationships are full of manipulative manipulation and lies due to hate which is bought on by fear. If everyone new what everyone was truly thinking, then no one would have any friends and relationships would not exist
This
It's communication, built up unsolved issues, lack of effort.
Why i feel this so bad…?
@@skaziblu I agree that the communication is often the issue but it might be that regardless the communication, you may find out that the relationship that you begin with was okay for both but you have since developed in such a different directions that your relationship is not going to work in long term.
It might be that neither partner is willing to let go of his or her long term goals and the changes needed to actually reach those goals is not compatible with the ongoing relationship. If this happens, one party must let go of their long term goals or the relationship should end. Often, the people are so afraid to stop the relationship that they try to force the relationship to work even though it is *not possible* to make it work with the goals that both partners have, assuming both partners want to achieve their future goals.
And since nobody is going to know their full future, you may been in a long relationship before figuring out that the goals are incompatible with the relationship. And this situation may slowly grow up because you'll be figuring out the long term goals over your whole life.
In that case, if neither partner is willing to sacrifice their own long term personal goal, the only thing that can be sacrificed is the relationship.
Trying to force your partner to drop their goals to keep the relationship running is not a good option because it will simply make he or she miserable in long term. And the same applies to your own goals. You cannot choose to have future goals for both partners and a working relationship; you can only pick two out of (a) your goal, (b) your partner's goal and (c) working relationship.
For those wondering, here are the three questions:
1. Are both people in the relationship making a good faith effort to improve it?
2. Are the compromises being made making the relationship better or worse?
3. Are you only compromising hoping your partner will change?
Summary and wrap up at 35:36
ty love you
Thank you legend
why spoiling the podcast?
@@teacherfromthejungles6671for the same reason someone would go to the comments section before the video ended
Thank you sooo much! ❤
“Compromise isn’t trying to make sure everyone is happy. It’s making sure no one is miserable.” 🔥🔥🔥
I ended my 10 year marriage and got divorced a year ago now and this just helped reiterate that i made the right decision. This is such great advice.
That is very strong of you. Obviously i don't know you but i am proud of u for taking action in something u believed in ! Keep on keeping on my friend :)
I realized I was happier single. That's when I knew it was over. After not talking for awhile.
I feel I would be a lot happier single. But the girl I have is good and as the video says. “If it’s good don’t fuck it up”
Thoughts?
@@randomstuff463 Probably terrible advice, but maybe try it out? Try out a period of time so you know what it would be like to be single. Maybe a breakup, maybe a break. Then reassess if you are actually happier single vs being with your partner
"If it's good, don't fuck it up." Epic, simple. Giving you full credit, Mr. Manson. Thank you
This gives me "You gotta do better Senator" vibes
Who else is here after breaking up to check if it’s certified
Validated
Hahahhahaha
just ended a 5 year relationship rn
I think we conflate relationship incompatibility with "well no one is perfect so just deal with it" way too often.
Drew is such a great host, pitches in with mindful questions; some subtle humor here and there when things get too serious. I'm loving this style of podcasting!
Why do you not include Models in the list of books you've written
That’s really interesting! I’ve been thinking about investing in digital currencies lately but wondering how to do it. Do anyone have any thought on that?
After I got upto 900k trading with expert Jennifer Fan ,I bought a new House and I'm now able to send my kids to a better school in the states When someone is straight forward with what he or she is doing people will always speak up for them.
"Hey everyone! 👋 Just starting my investment journey in crypto and stocks. 🚀 Learning the ropes and excited about the possibilities. Any tips or or info on how I’ll reach out to Jennifer fan Let's grow together! 🌱💡
I’ve heard a lot about trading with her but how competent and trustworthy is she?
i got the most advice out of the red flag lockdown boy. healthy relationships are about values and behaviors. unhealthy relationships are about feelings. THANK. YOU.
YES!! Feelings are so subjective, whereas values and behaviours are objective.
What I especially love about this video, is that it's very straightforward and to the point. As a woman growing up in an environment that women are doing all of the emotional heavy lifting in a relationship, I'm used to overthink and analyze myself all the time. Trying to figure out how I could do better. No need to explain how that leads to toxic relationships 😅 And even when I explain to my family why I broke up my relationship, men and women alike ask me what I could have done better. It's time people see that a relationship is a two way street, shared effort and shared responsibilities. And no one should be responsible for carrying anyone's bagage along the road.
what I find interesting about emotional labor for women... is that it's created for them by them... They expect their men to do it the same as them. I read an entire post on reddit about womens emotional labors. While I can certainly empathize with some of the posts... a lot of it was just victim mode. I'm not saying this is you. I'm glad you got out if it didn't fit you. I guess what I'm saying is we have to ask ourselves whether what we expect is realistic and accept when our partners don't always hit the mark. To me there is such a thing as a minimum viable relationship that everyone gets to define for themselves... past that there will be ups and downs. if they don't hit the MVR any longer then that's clarity. One coach I read said the longer a relationship goes on the higher the chance of an incompatibility rearing it's head. people change.
I like Mark Manson’s book too, However, it's important to note that he is not a licensed relationship therapist, unlike the world-renowned licensed relationship therapist
ruclips.net/user/liveIrkjMgAlnVk?si=PZh0Wd3c7U5RPtUG
ruclips.net/video/P2AUat93a8Q/видео.htmlsi=E_Gx29-npQGUOJM6
We need to be careful about whose advice we listen to.
It’s our life we are dealing with.
I love how balanced Mark's advice is
Yep, balanced but does give the suggested choice.
after 8 years of torture. and no compromises and nobody are willing to improve the relationship. on the end of 8th year. I cut the cord and run! your life is so much much much better after THAT!
“You create the World around you”. Yes. Including when you leave a relationship.
If you keep drawing the wrong people into your life it is time to take a good look at yourself and what you are doing.
The first question really hit home for me. Just ended a 7 year relationship over something so trivial that I had to blame myself and apologize for. Despite apologizing and trying to appease, was cursed out all the way. Situations like this kept repeating throughout the relationship, sometimes would turn to physical abuse on me. I'd keep trying to explain that getting cursed is not the way, we need to maintain respect to be able to get through things, but was stonewalled for a month until we finally decided to call it quits. She's with another guy now (not even a week after the breakup) and I'm just feeling relieved and sorry for the dude.
You’re a god, remember!
She was with another guy already. You just didn't know it.
time to level up my dude. this'll pass. dont let it define you
Sounds very similar to my situation.
I read the second letter differently than Mark did. She wrote that she wanted “space and autonomy” and “peace and quiet.” Mark rephrased her statement that she wanted to be alone constantly. NOT THE SAME. The letter writer used statements that sounded like she was just setting boundaries that she constantly had to defend.
Mark didn’t really go into codependency here, which surprised me. This dynamic usually means one partner tolerates mistreatment and/or makes most of the sacrifices.
Although I can see waiting a little longer if progress is being made, Mark suggested “putting in a few years” which is far longer than I would recommend. Just my two cents.
Mark can’t hide his misogyny.
No, that's something my wife would have written, but she also avoids doing anything to nurture the marriage, is extremely defensive, refuses to communicate, express needs, but holds me accountable for unmet needs that were never expressed. She ignores all good traits, yet holds a magnifying glass on all.of my shortcomings as a tool for creating emotional distance, and views any effort to work on the marriage or bring us closer as being suffocated or controlled. I'm in the process of divorcing now. Some people who need space and autonomy are incapable of functioning in a relationship.
Agree my second relationship was like this I ( the man) was the anxiously attached) and her the avoidant. That was the main struggle until we split up. I split after I could not take it anymore. Now Today I'm living the same think again with another. So this is a big issue. It is not fun to have a person be Ll over you and the pull away after you are emotionally invested. Avoidant trap.
Also the husband has quit his job to train for a marathon.... what the?
Such an important video! I broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago and I feel amazing. The biggest thing for me was kind of the first situation - Once I realized I was the only one actually willing to work on the relationship, I had to leave. Of course after I left he bombarded me with text messages and letters at my door saying he’s seen the light and he’s ready to work on himself, but at that point it was too late. As someone who’s been working on my trauma and my healing painstakingly for years, I know his come to Jesus moment wouldn’t be enough for me to get back together with him. Especially cause I’m 25, we were only together a year, and there were other fundamental incompatibilities between us.
What other incompatibilities?
@thecommonsensecapricorn why do you think it's too late? It seems to me you can give him a chance since he is more than willing to work on himself which is the thing you wanted to happen in the first place. If he starts going back to his old behaviour, you can then break it off. You may feel good now, but you may also regret giving no chances in the future as well.
@@ProEray
He only said he would work on himself after she left. Typical narcissist move. If anyone doesnt care to improve while they are still in the relationship they have no interest. It is my firm belief that if a relationship is a lot of work there is something wrong and it is time to move on. If it doesnt feel right it isnt.
He won't work pn himself.
He just wants to keep the conveniences he could get from her.
He will fall back into old patterns and maybe even get worse.
It's never worth it.
She is getting better so no need for slacking back into old habits that caused her problems.
If he really improves he will find someone new.
@@CordeliaWagner wow I cant tell all that just from this text, I think you guys are projecting a little bit. Firstly, only a certified psychiatrist can diagnose his behaviours, don't play shrink here, we all have narcissistic tendencies and it is easy to judge others.
Only her and him can know their intentions, and not even they can always understand each other's or even themselves intentions. Maybe he didn't realize he needed to change while he was in the relationship, and then after the break up he realized he had to put some work. Look, I know it is difficult to try to get back together and all, but it is also difficult to find somebody to really love and be loved by.
The timing on this is perfect, I’ve been with this girl since sophomore year in high school and now I’m a 19 year old who is now a sophomore in college. To be completely honest I’m in an unhealthy relationship its, I kinda knew before but would always tell myself that things would work out, even tho my brain was telling me another. And quite frankly I’m tired of comprising hoping she would change. It’s especially hard because its long distance cause I’m away for college, but when a person doesn’t seem to give a fuck about the relationship it makes it real hard to stay in it. Let alone not think about other options at college. So I think when I go home for thanksgiving break, I’ll break it off, even though it will hurt. I gotta do whats best for me, because I deserve to have a partner thats willing to put in the same effort and work as me.
Bruh just enjoy college, she clearly doesn't deserve you
Dang. I met my ex boyfriend who we really shared the same dreams. But I found out however he is just more of a future fake talker. I think the universe has something else for me. 🙏
really needed this mark, your timing is immaculate 👏🏻💓
I love the part about compromise. I struggle with boundaries and this is a healthy way to draw a line.
I haven't even watched this yet cause honestly I'm working my way through the years of videos, but since I don't do the social media thing I thought this was a good way to message you. I just wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart and tell you how fuckin amazing you are TO ME with your advice. My oldest son (21) is going through some stuff that, in return, I'm going through trying to help him figure things out and happened to stumble upon you. I can't tell you that everything is all better cause this situation is very recent but through listening to you, I'm finding better ways to reach the part of his brain that refuses to learn better ways to deal with things. Once again I'm truly grateful there are people like you out there
I’m loving your podcast series so far. I’m just really impressed and feeling so happy for you. I feel like you’ve found your medium. I’m learning so much and enjoying every minute. Keep ‘em rolling. This shit is fire.
Also, can I just say, I felt this episode was very balanced. It was so refreshing to hear someone say, in terms of troubled marriages (where appropriate): try sticking it out. Try making it work. We need more of that, and it was amazing to hear your sensible encouragement.
Love you, love your work. Don’t stop. Super proud of you, man!
Sure what matters is how we react/respond when we make mistakes...to some extent. My ex would always just blurt out "I'm sorry" after yelling at me, etc but only after I brought it up and without any reflection on his part and, not surprisingly, steps to address the problem and change. I felt completely unheard/seen. Couples counseling didn't help. He had to do the work on himself, but he dropped out of his own therapy after only a month. So, if someone isn't really owning their mistakes, but just giving lip service it feels more like manipulation than anything else.
great subject, loved the dialogue. I've lived with a partner for decades; the kids we raised are awesome. I've always appreciated our family dynamic of - having each others back, while giving each other lots of space. it does become its own little dance of balance. we've mostly always had our own work, bank accounts, hobbies while also being on the same team. Your point about being responsible for your own happiness is important. good stuff!
🎯 Bingo.
Opposites attract Yet Non Committal men never attach Years of Investing Will Never Change Leave
you’re gonna be one of your favourite channels!! i always struggle with codependence and getting the short end of the stick, and when you mentioned about story 1, it really hit me. dude doesn’t wanna deal with anything and i kept internalising his remarks and insult. i really can’t do anything if it’s one sided. thank you for reminding me!
I'm so glad that content like this exists now! I'm certain I'm not the only one who needed it years ago. Knowing how much pain this info could prevent is heartening ❤
I wish I had this type of information in My 20's and 30's
I absolutely agree! I really needed this advice in the mid 90's. Sadly, I finally ended my 28 yr marriage in 2009.
So sorry @@user-lu2ms4dm2s
So inspiring!! Love this. It's so terrible, that we don't get to learn relationship advice anywhere when we grow up. And so many people never learn much, growing old in that part...
yeah i agree because relationship is so crucial, it's about choosing a partner for the rest of your life and sadly we don't get much advices on that
Hello
YES! I've followed you for about 10 yrs. and have seen all the other styles of videos you tried before - hands down, this was the BEST! Your insightful, kind, funny and constructive manner came out brilliantly and the dynamic with this other guy was natural and flowed well! I love how non-gimicky this all was, had your own personal reflection, and still good production!! WELL FUCKING DONE 🎉 hope this podcast soars!
20:40 '...they need to take her panic attacks seriously. That's a signal. She is not built for this...she should not be doing it...'
I wish there was a Mark in my life who could have said this to me 25 years ago.
Man or woman, when you compromise yourself too much it can make you very ill.
Mark, what you are putting out here now is an amazing gift. I am grateful to be hearing it now, and happy you are helping people not make the same mistakes I did. Truly wonderful
This is an inspirational series of life management videos. So great! Thank you Mark!!
😂😂😂 love this episode. Also enjoying hearing about you and your wife, Mark. My former employer used to say that we should all be sufficiently unhappy at work. Not too much, not too little. Work is work.
Hahahaha. Omg! It’s so true about the divorcing at 40 and acting like a kid (around the 13 min mark)
Trying all the things and then finally embarking on the who are you journey. 💕
Omg I was the committment phobe who lived a nomadic existence all over the world and have been with a homebody partner who is the complete opposite of me for 3 years now...at the beginning I had the same 'imprisonment' worries, but now- I wouldn't change the relationship, as we are so so happy and balance each other out. I am impulsive, head strong and love change; he is steady, considered and more calm.
We are planning on doing lots of travel together, and I have gotten him travelling and inspired him to change career by taking a risk. This guy needs to not worry. You were spot on Mark- I was the same committment phobe, always wondering about future possibilities. But I have realised I am happy, and like Bill Burr said about Nia: I just couldn't break up with them.
I know relationships aren't your main brand topic, but you're really really great at it! Please do more like this. 🙏
Thanks Mark. This video episode opened my eyes on many aspects of my relationship with my spouse and make me reflect on my current life situation 🙏
this is an amazing format of videos, more of these please Mark!
Thank you very much guys for this episode. So many insights and thoughts that were set up in place for me. Great podcast, keep doing your excellent work
I love the story about the commitmentphob ❤
I am one of those. Thank you for great advice!
Dude, I finished reading your book "Models" 3 weeks ago. It's one of the best if not the best book on this topic. Changed my perspective on women and got me to question my belief about dating in general. Impressive stuff! 👍💯
I love that book too. Models added so much more perspective on how I was moving in the world that did not benefit me
Def keep making these podcasts. I like these even more than your videos! it’s interesting to get your perspective and take on these topics in a relatable way!
Wow. Thank you for this. The last scenario hit home.
Eventually it turns into an abusive relationship towards the person trying to help the other. I’m definitely codependent. My current partner has dependent personality disorder. I used to be super involved in the community. Super involved making support groups for those that need it.
My partner has consumed every ounce of me with their inability to even make phone calls, pay bills, apply to jobs, or even go on vacation. It has turned me into a shell of the person I used to be with no friends or even purpose anymore.
Hearing it said so bluntly is exactly what I needed. Time to heal and rebuild.
Love the books btw!!!
Awesome broadcast guys! I wish I would've known this stuff years ago when I decided to walk away after 15
years.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks, man. Helped a lot. I'm the last story you told. It's is very hard, and I kinda understood it myself automatically, but you just helped me to make the final choice. You are seriously the best. Love your personality, have your book, would love to meet you someday. Anyways, thanks again. Appreciate all the effort and help.
The editor/s did a great job on this video. Thanks for this input on very relatable topics.
Mark I always love your podcast
Think it’s very helpful
Wowza. Great video and advice Mark.
31:14 I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT 😂 I hit the table saying "YES YES YES!!!!" because I have just come out of a 3 year relationship and there were some amazing aspects, like our chemistry, and I was in love, but there were some major red flags that we had to address (her sex drive was never close to as high as mine, I want kids and she doesn't), and now we've been "just friends" for 6 months or so. I needed to hear you say it felt like a lifetime, because it really fucking did!! My body was giving me red flags like anxiety, panic attacks, and I was just like "oh it'll get better". It felt like a long fucking time!!!! I think my body is still recovering but I am doing much better.
Glad you're making progress and recovering mate! Good to hear
@@beldonhuang Thanks man 😊
I totally relate to this.
Spectacular value. This will be shared and re-shared, and re-shared all over again to all of my friends and friends of friends.
Im really glad I watched this. This one gave me hope which I needed rn.
That second one was so good mark. Dangggg I’m subbing! Loved your book too. ❤
I'm glad I found this channel. Love the advice in this video. 👍🏾
The information in this video was very helpful. Thanks you.
Damn, you nailed this! Thank you. Grew up in an abusive home with a narcisstic mother. Prior to that I was in a serious of co-dependant relationships. Left a co-dependant relationship with a partner with narcissistic tendencies two months ago after being together 9 years. Started working on myself three years into the relationship, therapy helped me realize my childhood issues and baggage, did CBT and DBT, self hypnosis, read your book, started working out again and as I did, I began to see I didn't have my own identity. As I developed boundries I realized how unhealthy my long term relationship was. He had his own baggage, including anger issues and alchohol dependency. I gave him a year to seek help and he never took the first step so I left. I stopped trying to see the potential my partner had and saw him for who and where he was in the relationship as it was. It's scary, but it's also very liberating and exciting getting to learn myself and learn more about boundries and my personal resiliancy.
Thank you for the amazing content Mark! I think most of these relationships are broken as a result of narcissism, various types of it.
Not everything is narcissism please. Rest with that word already!
@@peteruzombaAgreed. People throw that word around like it's nothing these days. People break up, people are assholes, not everyone are compatible in the long run. Narcissistic abuse is a different beast.
Great episode! It helped me today. Thank you to you both.
This was a great episode and great advice! It made me realize I am happy alone😊
Maybe a good future episode would be the flip side of this topic- things to work on and consider before entering into a relationship with someone.
Your content makes me feel a little less crazy lol, and I appreciate it.
these videos are so amazing thank u mark
Great podcast, first ive watched by you guys! Lots of relevant points made. Thanks
I love your channel and advice man
Thank you for sharing this 🙏
Love these podcasts and their format. Please do more of these.
I love your clarity 😁
Hey. Just came to say thank you. This video helped me a lot right now! ❤
What an episode really !!! No jokes aside dude..congrats on your new podcast 👏Amazing content you and Drew are the best company and the way you humor kind the worst case disaster senarios do not fail to amuse me, some good advices too !! 😂
Time for a new mark Manson video - I’m hyped 🎉
Tremendous value. Thank you
Thank you. This video was insightful
Fantastic advice, thank you so much!
Absolutely good luck to him and everyone involved. God bless.
Hell yeah! These guys are funny AND also this really opened my eyes. I had no idea that these were thought processes even imaginable!
I love how they're giving advice that doesn't make assumptions about people's situations.
I find often times, self-help guru type RUclipsrs often tend to dole out advice that makes ENORMOUS amounts of assumptions and make sense in a specific situation but not all situations, and that can cause a lot of trouble to people who will take that advice and apply it to their scenario, where important factors in their scenario are completely overlooked. So that leads to a lot of "Technically Good But Practically Bad" advice.
So props to these guys for giving advice like this. Doing the world a service by educating people like me.
I feel confused and lost and every bit of sense I can make of this world continues to help me, I've seen results personally from accumulating understanding of things and applying them to my life.
Wish youa lot of good luck on your journey!
The thing about values vs feelings really hits home!
Great information, thanks so much for what you do
Very interesting listen. I sometimes get board listening to long talk shows n i just jump ship. Was totally engaged. Gave me insight into my own relationship.Thanks fella's 🙏🏽🌺
Do more of these! Awesome talk!
Great podcast, I'm having relationship issues and helpful to hear how other people handle conflict, I love the compromise concept if the two people can communicate
Another great episode. Love you guys!
Mark I love your content, and production values on this new format are top notch. But the music swelling each time you say something important is… a bit over the top? I tune out every time the cheese music kicks in, which is the opposite of the effect intended. Everything else is great, and I love that you’re putting new content out! 😎👍🏼
I needed this, this morning.
Straightforward distilled advise. Love it. I’m not in a romantic relationship but I pondered how the 3 concepts might apply, generally, to other relationships like co-workers, neighbors, even non-human relationships like how I relate to food. The concepts still kinda work! Thanks!
Thanks for the idea 💡
These videos just get better and better
Mark, your podcast is the absolute shit! Please keep it up brother. Your work has helped me for years and I’m a fan for life. Thank you for all your hard work.
Great points. Thanks 🙏🏽
You saved my life man. Lots of ❤ man.
You are indeed special and amazing!
Thank you
Pleasantly surprised how good the advice was 😊
This was great thank you 🙏
Now I am planning how to end our relationship in a way that I can surely ensure to my kids the feeling of a beautiful home without their father. I endure too much.
Awesome video, so well balanced advices. Love it! Year ago I've decided to end my 10yo marriage with kids. For the 1 month after divorce now. For the whole time I was going back and forth -> was it the right decision, should I endure longer (for the kids)? etc. This video gave me some peace of mind. Thanks.
Thanks for amazing video 🔥
All this advise sounds really good and well thought out. Rings true with reality.
This was a good video with great insights
thank you number 4 helped me alot :)
i find myself in this situation
Thank you. I've been thinking about leaving my current relationship but couldn't figure out why, when, or even how without seeming like a dick.
I'm not happy rn, and I could absolutely relate to this video! Thank you!
Damn mark why didn't you post this video sooner ??
I'm finally getting a divorce but the first 5 minutes of this video gave me all the answers I needed over the last 6 years
I loved Throne by BMTH as the intro and outro 🤘🔥
Mark, could you please put the books mentioned in your podcasts in the video description?
Would be super appreciated.
P.S. Thank you for all your work 🙃
Great video, Gods be damned. The timing of this video is uncanny. Last week I got dumped for the third time in a year... by the same woman. Ugh here we go again.
Aaaaaaaaand my clingy ass won't just let her go in my head. She has an avoidant attachment style, I'm anxiously attached and have become obsessed with why we are like this. I love her so much. It's actually crippling to look at her or think about her. I quit my job to create distance (I already wanted too) as I've been in and out of relief and grief since this last time. Like an enormous weight lifted off my shoulder but with a gaping wound that won't stop bleeding, although I think it's getting better. Despite how deeply we care for each other, every time we have a big issue (which most of the time feels like a bad situation she makes worse, tbh) she ends up leaving me, without much of a chance to be forgiven, or improve, or a warning about what's going to happen if I don't do something different. I've defiantly made mistakes where she's had reasons to be upset with me, but I don't think it's a fair dynamic.
I am a very forgiving person and I am determined to always be making improvements and I just want to know what I'm doing wrong before it become too much for her. One time she even went back to her ex (father of her son, long term but turbulent relationship) only to want me back because I kept showering her with love. For context she has severe CPTSD, has a beautiful baby boy, and had a horrible upbringing so there's a lot going on in her head and in her personal life, but she can't keep a grip on work so I'm concerned with her stability. So I've spent so much time trying to understand how her brain works but it's literally a constant roller-coaster of emotions and flip-flopping on really important life decisions.
She has expressed a genuine love for me and adores me, but it doesn't stop her flight response to getting overwhelmed. I've told her countless times that I just want someone who's stubborn enough to do the work of improving the relationship with me but she's too scared of herself, I suppose she'd also be a commitment-phobe too. But my love for her has dominated my life and I've disconnected from my identity in a lot of ways. I don't want to ever give up on people I love, that's what we're here for, to help people and support them, and believe that they are stronger than they give themselves credit for.
Her triggers elicit such an extreme response that it boggles my mind sometimes. So she's not saying "she shouldn't have to change", or "you need to change", not at all, her exact words were " I can't be enough for you" and she feels like she tried everything to make me happy but I didn't notice very much change in her behavior and... I'm realizing I can just go on and on. I don't like thinking about her in such a negative light, but the truth just fucking hurts some times. I'm finding that I'm a hopeless romantic, anxious mess, people pleasing lovesick puppy who is already trying to love myself as much as my freinds and family do.
Sounds like she is a fearful avoidant who needs therapy. But that is up to her.
You say you do not give up on people you love, but you are abandoning yourself in order to have her in your life. Have you ever thought it might be limerence you are feeling?
🍀🍀🍀!
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@@evadebruijn perhaps, I should have mentioned this is my first serious adult relationship, so perhaps I'm naïve on how this is supposed to feel
@@melkor5901 IMO it is supposed to feel like a pleasant thing happening in your life and not it being your whole life, which is a stressful position to put yourself in, in no matter how well rounded well balanced your partner would be.
Then again everyone has to learn the hard way by going through experiences and feel it all through, it doesn't really matter what anyone says. Take care 🍀✌️
thank you :)
@@evadebruijn
Amazing guys. I have just breakup with my partner a week a go. Very clear and straight forward advices helped me feel great and glad that I made the decision.