Triggers are the universe's way of showing you what needs to heal. You CAN overcome this dynamic, with time, open communication and commitment. Show up for each other consistently. Be kind.
I am anxious attachment, and my girlfriend is avoidance attachment, and gosh this just summed us up! It gets hard sometimes, because the more she pushes, the more I feel the need to latch on, and the more I latch, the more she feels the need to push. It's been a tough road, but we're getting there
I am right there with you. Its been easier for me and my partner after we started to discuss this dynamic and our roles. Once you are able to see these traits within you as they happen, you can start to shift your perspective from being scared and thinking there must be a reason why, to being scared and realizing its all in your head due to past experiences. Try to calm down and realize just because your person is shutting down doesnt mean they are going to abandon you or not show up for you. This has helped me, i hope it helps you ❤
My partner and I had this. It was absolute hell! We both love each other deeply and triggered each other so frequently. It was heartbreaking for both of us. Through mindfulness and learning to tolerate discomfort in order to show up more fully to the relationship we overcome that dynamic. It has been ten years and we are at a place that is so deeply present and loving and honest- we have become the couple I envy. The bonus is lots of childhood stuff comes up to be healed and you get to know yourself and your beloved at a deep level that creates stability and warmth and a general state of contentment. When both people in the couple want it, it truly is possible. I have much compassion for everyone suffering here.❤. I wouldn’t wish this pattern on my worse enemy.
And there is disorganized attachment, which has both the anxious and the avoidant side. Edit: At 500 likes, I think it's time to say how disorganized attachment manifests itself in my life. I avoid closeness at all cost, but I sometimes want a true connection. I always have a person I'm obsessed with. The person becomes my "favorite person". I'm hypervigilant around "her". I want physical and emotional connection with "her", but I'm scared of rejection, abandonment and betrayal, so I push her away. The love is at the same time fear, which is exactly what disorganized attachment is all about.
I think that's me- I act like both, depending on the situation. If someone actually shows me the affection and devotion I desperately crave, I feel smothered and want to either shut down or run away. But if they DON'T show me affection, I am terrified they hate me and I get all clingy and over- vigilant- I am a lot, I literally contradict myself internally in every way, it's got to be maddening even to a well adjusted partner, and I haven't found one of those yet, haha...
@pariahmouse7794 yep, same. My poor husband was in for a shit show when we first got together, but after a couple years we are successfully securely attached! I honestly didn't know if I could get through it, so if you're with a good person who's patient and loving but you want to run, tell yourself you need to give yourself time to rewire and don't let them go. Best of luck to you!!
I have always been told that I’m “too much”. My dad still says that to me and I am 40! Thank God above that I have finally started healing my inner child and breaking this cycle. I don’t ever want my child to feel the way I felt/ feel around my father.
Staying single with disorganized attachment is the best way to stay sane. No drama, ne self destructive behaviours, no clinging, no feelings of addiction, no more beeing ignored, no more feeling too much and a burden for someone else. Just me, having a little crisis now and then or a mental breakdown on my own and beeing kind and understanding to myself instead of beeging someone else to love me.
These videos just prove that the key to literally everything is good and honest communication. When we understand how people feel and why, that's when we are able to make and maintain truly meaningful relationships that last.
Me and my fiance. We've talked about it a lot. He knew how to discuss feelings and taught me how to label mine and talk about them. It's helped so much
@@frododododo I think ‘recovering’ is about healing the nervous system. Our ‘fight, flight’ response is too sensitive due to inconsistent reinforcement in childhood by hot/cold, on again/off again parenting, starting with the mother. Basically we were turned into nervous people-pleasing wrecks by early childhood. Inconsistent reinforcement is the strongest type of behavioural conditioning there is. We learn to never give up on people no matter how much negative reinforcement we get because we keep hoping for a positive response. It is the same type of conditioning as what keeps people addicted to gambling. The goal is to work towards calming the nervous system and practicing secure attachment styles. That requires learning to recognise what attachment style others have - eg if avoidant - we don’t take rejection from them as personally. And with anxious - you have to have clear boundaries so they don’t overstep them. And with other fearful avoidants - try to recognise that as well. We also have to be very wary of narcissists. I think it’s easier to try to ‘deactivate’ more often (lean avoidant) but if I do that for too long and don’t get any authentic validating communication then I get quite depressed. In any case we won’t get that from avoidants, so you need to deactivate it with those people but not fall into the habit of shutting everyone else out and be open to interacting more authentically with those who aren’t avoidant. It can be difficult though because we are either deactivated (avoidant) or (activated) anxious and you cannot be both at the same time so its like having your own personal magnetic pole shift going on internally. But the aim is to practice relating to others who are capable of it in a secure way - not avoidant or anxious. Which requires both boundaries and trust. Overtime if you have enough positive interactions and fewer triggering ones your self confidence and sense of safety grows which calms your nervous system from going into fight/flight (or freeze or fawn). Its something you have to keep working at as it is a program that has been running a long time and has to be unprogrammed. I hope that helps.
Me too. I am anxious attachment, but when I have been abandoned repeatedly I just want out. I get sick of the push-me-pull-you dynamic of the man I love that I switch off altogether.
My ex and I were in this situation. It's heartbreaking still because I genuinely loved him. Knowing the reason of my discomfort did allow me to forgive myself and make steps towards healing. I hope he find happiness.
Aw man... This hits so close 😢 we broke up 6 months ago and I still can't get over loving him in a way. When we met to say our goodbyes, and make everything clear, we both wished we'd met in a different point in our lives.
@@Tea_princess I don’t know if this helps or not but if you both had contrasting attachment styles, it doesn’t matter when in your lives you would have met - you would have always triggered each other’s attachment issues. We can do all the therapy and learn how to attach securely but when someone triggers those old issues, there will always be problems.
@@ArcadeStunfisk Thank you for this comment ♥️ it may be true Now I'm set on finding someone with stable attachment, so I can feel safe in a relationship. I now I need stability and have enough experience to consider that before entering a relationship. (Currently I'm working on my issues in therapy and try to keep myself in check to not look for any relationship just to feel the void. I know it's not a good idea in this point in my life + I'm tired. It's hard sometimes bc I subconsciously look at people as potential romantic partners, but I'm doing my best haha)
This is so on point! One thing I love about these skits besides bringing awareness to these issues and helping people who have been hurt heal,... Is that it's usually like a mom and a daughter discussing these issues. Their feelings and how they are impacted by each other's struggles. And if in real life people who have suffered with these same issues would at least talk about it, without insults or arguments, But talk to each other clearly describing how they are affected, like in these skits, that alone would open a way to show that above these issues you are so important to me that; , I'm willing to open up in a way i normally wouldn't, and it would show that you care that much more. It would definitely save relationships, and make room for understanding and healing. For instance if my Mom had opened up to me about what she was upset about, instead of never talking to me about anything besides surface level conversations .. like it's bed time, time for school, and did you do your homework.,i would have felt more valued to her. The worst part of being treated like this is because you rely on your parents and they are Unstable at times, your Identity grows around them and one day you grow up and realize you don't know who you really are. However if they had talked to you about it, or tried to let you know no matter what I want you to understand that this isn't because of you, you would have a better understanding and as a result have a healthier relationship with them, others and yourself.... I talk to my children, about everything. And always let them know why I'm going through something and how it is not their fault at all.
I hear you.... my mother kept everything at a surface level also, realized after she died in July and spending lots of time with her as she used hospitals and rehab centers for her attention instead of ever connecting with family..... that there was a lot of repressed abandonment and rejection trauma wounds childhood that will ultimately come out as people age in subtle ways but they have no idea how to identify it or talk about it. If there are any meds from Big pharma, whether it be high blood pressure or diabetes anxiety depression COPD or gerd meds especially..... that quells your creativity, certainly doesn't allow you to feel Joy, as they lobotomize your frontal lobe, impact your executive functioning and creates early dementia symptoms, like visual spatial issues and maintaining attention. Memory is typically preserved but big Pharma knows what it's doing with those side effects😖😡 because they want to keep you in the medical system. We get to choose our parents and family members, and even significant others, whether they bring us pleasure or pain, before we incarnate here so that we can learn lessons about the human condition/emotions... as we are highly evolved Spiritual Beings that chose to be here and we even get to choose our human suits beforehand. I innately knew why I chose my mother, it was so that I could learn to be the opposite of her, I learned to heal myself from physical ailments that she kept creating for herself because of her own anxious fears/ thoughts and repressed emotions....( that's where illness and disease comes from).. I learned to be very connected to my body and know how to achieve peace in any situation, so that creates balance and Alignment in mind body and spirit..... and I learned how to be in the moment via meditative Buddhist practices. I loved the challenge of clearing out any childhood triggers And when you heal yourself, you now can heal others. I would have never been on that path if it wasn't for her. So I think it's great that you're doing the opposite as well because otherwise that generational trauma carries down the lineage. The ancestors are definitely proud of you!❤
I wish I had this information about 50 years ago. It perfectly explains why my marriage failed after seven painful years of misunderstanding and mutual disappointment.
Great job , you nailed it. …..more to say about how avoidant partners can really be abusive to anxious subtypes, ❤hsps, or many other people with other tendencies.
I'm here laughing out loud as this IS ME and and my mother . And on any given day we switch those roles . This seems so clear watching it from outside .
I was in that situation with my ex. No amount of love could make it work for us. He was the love of my life but our relationship was triggering and toxic as hell. I (the anxious one) got so exhausted that i decided my peace was more important than anything else.
This was my life. 4 years ago, I started learning about attachment patterns. I remember watching one of your videos, and it was an initial eye opener for me. Thank you for doing your work. It has helped me to do mine. ❤
I love your short videos!!! They are very clear and explained so well they are easy to understand and help with emotions that we may not be able to explain ourselves.
This somehow encapsulated my entire relationship history and friendships with avoidants, more succinctly than anything else I've tried learning about this. The validation from "my parents moods changed constantly so I had to stay close and monitor them to feel safe." Thank you
These role plays are really helpful. Goes to show what a bad idea it is for anxious and avoidant people to try to connect. It's not about changing communication, or strategy -- it's just fundamentally wrong. Avoidant people should be with people who can and even more so, want to have space to themselves. That way they can get together when it is convenient for both and anxious people should be in connections that are so predictable that it pulls their nervous system out of fight/flight/fawn and provides the opposite experience to their childhood. Having an opposite experience that caused the wounding is healing. The repetition of the positive acceptance will somatically shift the anxious attachment. The same way that having a ton of space and choice about when and how to connect will be healing for avoidants. These two attachments don't mix. Period. The end!
Your videos have helped me far more than the decades of therapy I've undergone. I understand more about myself and how I am now bc of how I was raised, *and* exactly how it is affecting the family I'm building. Please keep doing these bc you are a Saint and this is much-much-much-needed.
I absolutely love you ❤ thank you again, for making these videos. My partner and I have this dynamic, slowly working on it together but this resonates so much with my situation.
I see aspects of myself in every single short! Yikes, the imperfect human experience...😳. I guess there's comfort knowing that I'm not the only one & that acceptance is progress?!?😅
This is so helpful. I am so grateful to be more aware and healed with my anxious attachment now! Some seriously rough relationships in my 20s with avoidant attachment friends 😅😅😅
I pushed so hard for more of my husband for years and it just pushed him away. We are still together but the solution has been for me to go deep with God who calms me down. I have a secure attachment with Him. After six years of my giving him space and just getting on with my life, my husband is now interacting. I work two 12 step programs to help me stay sane and never revert back.
Where's the love and joy in all that. The suffering is too much. That's not God's ideal purpose for marriage. Distance is for strangers or evil people and walls and fences are to keep bad neighbors out or for a safeguard and a note of boundaries but loved ones are most always welcome there is no second thought it is natural. All these mental and emotional things are oppressing and surpress your liberty. Ohhh Jesus Thank You for the joy of the Lord. Give love simply loveeee. It is a release. Don't grab, don't be desperate, don't be codependent, don't smother when a person wants space but just live in love. Be free. Be honorable, be great, be you and give love with no general expectation of reciprocation but keep a high standard for reciprocation in intimate love. Remember love, care and positive attention is a lifestyle practice. It's a healthy lifestyle. Just be good. People who struggle with emotional, mental and behavioral disorders are traumatized somehow and unhealed this is like a burden to a free spirited person like a pest, demon or parasite. Nobody wants those bad vibes. If you refuse to be a Wonderful happy person you just don't fit into our paradise or utopia vibes. They are firing and triggering each other back and forth like a ping pong game. STOP ALL THAT BULLSHIT N JUST LOVE... WTF... that is it, true love is the healing!!!
@@sophiachin1262and then there’s being human. There’s been a tremendous amount of suffering for the last few thousand years, even you mentioned it yourself about trauma. Unfortunately it’s not just a case of “ok I’m going to be high vibe today”. Yes, positivity and optimism are helpful, but they’re also avoidant to healing our trauma. We do need a balance of spirituality and physicality, all the while one is human living this earthly plane. We do need to be realistic in order to heal. We are still with God through this. Really imperative not to keep one’s head in the clouds, and I stress face it head on. That’s where true peace and contentment comes from. It’s dangerous to dismiss and be unrealistic, or spiritually bypass also. Blessings to you ✨✨✨
@@sophiachin1262Agreed! True love, communication, trust, understanding, and a safe space is the answer to help heal this. People Must be open to tearing down their own protective walls or one will risk missing out on true love, true friendship, and happiness. Everyone is not out to get us! Loving and vulnerability is the Answer!
@@pppf_SYour own growth does not need to be validated by another. If you set out to heal yourself and you have found a path that has benefited you, then that's great! Why must it need approval of another? It feels great if another does, sure! But It's your journey, not anyone else's. If you've put in the hard work and you see growth, then be proud! Self validation is a wonderful tool. I highly recommend cultivating it. I love you unconditionally. ❤️🙏 Namaste.
This is how I feel inside. These 2 dialogues together at the same time. And creates mayhem for me internally and I feel so overwhelmed by it sometimes. I’m in counseling for my mental health. I just felt like sharing.
it can work for some people. but it just didnt work for me. broke up with my ex who was anxious attachment (with anger issues) as an avoidant, i know relationships take work. but sometimes compromising my happiness is just not worth it
I think i have a bit of both, but not in any extreme way. I want closeness and I'm very intense about it. I like seeing reciprocity in the guy, but he can't be too into it and want closeness at the same level as I do. Otherwise i feel gross and as though he's rushing things (ironic, given my history of rushing in). But if he acts too distant, I panic and worry he doesn't like me. My current love interest, the moment I detected he liked me back a lot, I weirdly felt repulsed. But as soon as his demeanor turned back into a more stoic energy, I relaxed. It's all very strange to me how I crave love and yet when I get it in an obvious manner, I want to run away. I've been telling myself lately that if I want to be loved, I'll just have to accept that any display of reciprocity is good and running away is doing exactly the opposite of what I've been striving for.
This explains my last relationship. He's avoidant and I'm anxious. He kept running and it was draining my soul! He runs but always comes back. I'm just sick of it at this point. I don't want to deal with anymore avoidants.
When I began to pray to God for protection a decade ago,many times a day and always before sleep,I found self-love and alots of anxiety dissapeared.I'm an highly sensitive Empath who takes in others and needed the strongest protection there is, I can feel the difference before and after praying. I grew up as the Scapegoat child of two Narc's,my father was violent towards me,so the place called home was unsafe and gave me huge memory loss. JazzyT, Heyoka Empath.
As an avoidant, I wonder how many anxious attachments I broke off from. It's draining trying to be a cuddly teddy bear when you feel like an overused, scribbled-on toy. I guess it's better to say goodbye than it is to ice them out because you're exhausted.
I will not worry or panic . I will calm down breathe in and out slowly and feel the feeling of being loved by the universe knowing that everything and everyone is alright . I am not alone and there are people who do love me . I acknowledge , that I always have Jesus with me all the time. He hears me , he cares about me and is always listening .That is how I know, that I am okay and everyone else is okay too, cause Jesus and the Angels are watching over us all the time . ❤Thank-you Lord for Healing and protecting me, my children , my family , and everyone in the world and Giving us all lots of Peace , Love and Joy 🥰 I will live my life with a Merry Happy Heart to feel the feeling of being loved and appreciated all the time no matter what . 🌎 Knowing God is With Me 😉 right beside me 😘 all the time ! We all go through different childhood feelings and emotions and happenings , just know that you are perfectly normal and beautiful just the way you are . God is always arranging all the right people and places in our path to help us all to be okay 😊!
I’m avoidant attachment and my best friend is anxious attachment. It’s not usually a problem unless I start going on a lot of dates with a guy. She gets scared of losing me and draws closer to me, becoming very affectionate in front of the guy, as if to let him know that I am hers and he can’t have me. Blocking him from sitting next to, talking to me, etc. This of course causes me to push her away which fulfills her fear that I will abandon her if I get a boyfriend. Shes aware she is doing it and even apologizes without my having to point it out, but it’s like a reflex she can’t control and neither of us know how to handle it. I have no intention of abandoning her as she has been there for me through thick and thin, but it is very stressful for me to deal with especially when dating is already difficult and I don’t like seeing her so scared of losing me. Advice would be appreciated.
She probably should try to see you as two Individuals,instead of someone they're in a symbiosis with,real friends want's the best for their friend and will not put control into the friendship,as your friend does to you. JazzyT.
Working towards security every day. But, disorganized attachment factors into a lot of things you might not think, like your parasympathetic response - flight fight freeze or fawn.
oh dear Lord, it is so difficult when parents don't want their children; neglecting & abusiving them instead of actually being an active, loving parent doing parenting. Its a verb for at least a decade❤
Thank you for your dedication & hard work! Please write a book compiling all of your videos & offer solutions for each; types of therapy, EMDR, Ketamine treatments, etc. I’ll try anything to heal my inner child 🙏😊❤️
THIS IS WHY INSECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE AND AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE ARE LIKE OIL AND WATER AND A RECIPE FOR DISTASTER. PEOPLE GO FIND SOMEONE WHO IS SECURELY ATTACHED WHO CAN MEET YOUR NEEDS FOR CONNECTION OR SPACE.
I’m an Anxious attachment and I always seem to find Avoidants. I find it so difficult to get out of my cycle of anxiousness to try and connect with my partner in a way that will resonate with him. Struggling with my attachment and trying to give him the benefit of the doubt has broken us up many times. But I’m trying to work on breaking that cycle in individual therapy. I need to give myself and my now ex-partner grace for growth
Man I was in a relationship like this. Even physical touch made me twitch and stuff. It hurt them. It hurt me too. Like I want to be touched but it’s usually like too much idk
Sometimes i'm both . I wanna be close with my friends but i'm to much when i'm loud , but when i stay silent i instantlly think that i'm invisible 😅 argh
Literally feeling this way today and this popped up. Anxious attachment here! I have realized I make up for it by being really affectionate/giving so I never feel disconnected but then when I’m upset or in a bad place I fall into myself and just magically hope my partner (who’s used to/loves my affection but doesn’t need it desperately like I do) will make up the difference without me even asking and then I’m all hurt and feeling rejected or like I did something wrong. And I logically know this is all trauma etc. and that I’m loved and need to communicate my wants and feelings. Which leaves me feeling stupid for being upset and feeling clingy. Yay!!!! But slowly, with therapy and work I’m healing ❤️🩹. Slowly. Very slowly…. 😅
This is simultaneously triggering and healing for me
Same
Yes
Triggers are the universe's way of showing you what needs to heal. You CAN overcome this dynamic, with time, open communication and commitment. Show up for each other consistently. Be kind.
@@Sky-Childhow do you heal this without a partner. I just want it to stop
Wow same
I am anxious attachment, and my girlfriend is avoidance attachment, and gosh this just summed us up! It gets hard sometimes, because the more she pushes, the more I feel the need to latch on, and the more I latch, the more she feels the need to push. It's been a tough road, but we're getting there
I am right there with you. Its been easier for me and my partner after we started to discuss this dynamic and our roles. Once you are able to see these traits within you as they happen, you can start to shift your perspective from being scared and thinking there must be a reason why, to being scared and realizing its all in your head due to past experiences. Try to calm down and realize just because your person is shutting down doesnt mean they are going to abandon you or not show up for you. This has helped me, i hope it helps you ❤
This is my wife and I to a T. Let's heal together! Bringing love and awareness to our inner child.
@@scarletbrown225that actually does help, thank you ❤
@@erictschroeder1064absolutely! For a better future!
My partner and I had this. It was absolute hell! We both love each other deeply and triggered each other so frequently. It was heartbreaking for both of us. Through mindfulness and learning to tolerate discomfort in order to show up more fully to the relationship we overcome that dynamic. It has been ten years and we are at a place that is so deeply present and loving and honest- we have become the couple I envy. The bonus is lots of childhood stuff comes up to be healed and you get to know yourself and your beloved at a deep level that creates stability and warmth and a general state of contentment. When both people in the couple want it, it truly is possible. I have much compassion for everyone suffering here.❤. I wouldn’t wish this pattern on my worse enemy.
*Anxious-avoidants have entered the chat*
And left it just as fast 😅
@@hebah025🤣🤣🤣🤣🙋🏻♀️
@@hebah025lmaoooo
@@hebah025ouch that’s fair
YUP. Everything makes me panic 😂 you get too close? You distance yourself? UH-OH.
And there is disorganized attachment, which has both the anxious and the avoidant side.
Edit: At 500 likes, I think it's time to say how disorganized attachment manifests itself in my life. I avoid closeness at all cost, but I sometimes want a true connection. I always have a person I'm obsessed with. The person becomes my "favorite person". I'm hypervigilant around "her". I want physical and emotional connection with "her", but I'm scared of rejection, abandonment and betrayal, so I push her away. The love is at the same time fear, which is exactly what disorganized attachment is all about.
I think that's me- I act like both, depending on the situation.
If someone actually shows me the affection and devotion I desperately crave, I feel smothered and want to either shut down or run away.
But if they DON'T show me affection, I am terrified they hate me and I get all clingy and over- vigilant- I am a lot, I literally contradict myself internally in every way, it's got to be maddening even to a well adjusted partner, and I haven't found one of those yet, haha...
Yes!!
@pariahmouse7794 yep, same. My poor husband was in for a shit show when we first got together, but after a couple years we are successfully securely attached! I honestly didn't know if I could get through it, so if you're with a good person who's patient and loving but you want to run, tell yourself you need to give yourself time to rewire and don't let them go. Best of luck to you!!
I wish this attachment style would get more love 😂😭
Well I think you just answered my comment question
I have always been told that I’m “too much”. My dad still says that to me and I am 40! Thank God above that I have finally started healing my inner child and breaking this cycle. I don’t ever want my child to feel the way I felt/ feel around my father.
You’re just right for the right people 💖
Staying single with disorganized attachment is the best way to stay sane. No drama, ne self destructive behaviours, no clinging, no feelings of addiction, no more beeing ignored, no more feeling too much and a burden for someone else. Just me, having a little crisis now and then or a mental breakdown on my own and beeing kind and understanding to myself instead of beeging someone else to love me.
Ugh this is so true. I feel the most calm when I'm single
These videos just prove that the key to literally everything is good and honest communication. When we understand how people feel and why, that's when we are able to make and maintain truly meaningful relationships that last.
Me and my fiance. We've talked about it a lot. He knew how to discuss feelings and taught me how to label mine and talk about them. It's helped so much
The fearful-avoidant people who have both anxious and avoidant styles: *well f*.
Yeah. They can change tho! Therapy helped tons.
@@francescafrancesca3554how can it change? What helped
🖐️
@@frododododo I think ‘recovering’ is about healing the nervous system. Our ‘fight, flight’ response is too sensitive due to inconsistent reinforcement in childhood by hot/cold, on again/off again parenting, starting with the mother. Basically we were turned into nervous people-pleasing wrecks by early childhood. Inconsistent reinforcement is the strongest type of behavioural conditioning there is. We learn to never give up on people no matter how much negative reinforcement we get because we keep hoping for a positive response. It is the same type of conditioning as what keeps people addicted to gambling. The goal is to work towards calming the nervous system and practicing secure attachment styles. That requires learning to recognise what attachment style others have - eg if avoidant - we don’t take rejection from them as personally. And with anxious - you have to have clear boundaries so they don’t overstep them. And with other fearful avoidants - try to recognise that as well. We also have to be very wary of narcissists. I think it’s easier to try to ‘deactivate’ more often (lean avoidant) but if I do that for too long and don’t get any authentic validating communication then I get quite depressed. In any case we won’t get that from avoidants, so you need to deactivate it with those people but not fall into the habit of shutting everyone else out and be open to interacting more authentically with those who aren’t avoidant. It can be difficult though because we are either deactivated (avoidant) or (activated) anxious and you cannot be both at the same time so its like having your own personal magnetic pole shift going on internally. But the aim is to practice relating to others who are capable of it in a secure way - not avoidant or anxious. Which requires both boundaries and trust.
Overtime if you have enough positive interactions and fewer triggering ones your self confidence and sense of safety grows which calms your nervous system from going into fight/flight (or freeze or fawn). Its something you have to keep working at as it is a program that has been running a long time and has to be unprogrammed. I hope that helps.
Yup
This helps a lot in understanding how my parent’s behavior affected me. Could you also do series on how to overcome these problems
There are alot of books and videos on how to have a secure attachment
Yesss please!
@@imomoh4701could you please recommend done books
@@imomoh4701could you pls recommend some books
@@imomoh4701Could you sum it up?
I feel like both people in one body. ❤
Then you're probably anxious (I'm not an expert tho, but I think avoidants are more constant in their behaviour)
Disorganised Attachment is both and can be caused by early trauma.
@@ZurditaDinamitaThere is an attachment style called Anxious-avoidant because some people really are both attachment styles like me.
@@AllieAtkinsonYes!
Me too. I am anxious attachment, but when I have been abandoned repeatedly I just want out. I get sick of the push-me-pull-you dynamic of the man I love that I switch off altogether.
Bravo! You two are so good at this! I love learning from you. Thank you! Thank you!
Aren't they both her?
Its one person 😂
I can never tell if it's the same person!
@@movingonward She does a good job of acting "young".
But ryebrows are different! 😃 I thought it was the same person too 😃
My ex and I were in this situation. It's heartbreaking still because I genuinely loved him. Knowing the reason of my discomfort did allow me to forgive myself and make steps towards healing. I hope he find happiness.
Aw man... This hits so close 😢 we broke up 6 months ago and I still can't get over loving him in a way. When we met to say our goodbyes, and make everything clear, we both wished we'd met in a different point in our lives.
@@Tea_princessvery relatable, I hope you're doing well ty for sharing
@@Tea_princess I don’t know if this helps or not but if you both had contrasting attachment styles, it doesn’t matter when in your lives you would have met - you would have always triggered each other’s attachment issues. We can do all the therapy and learn how to attach securely but when someone triggers those old issues, there will always be problems.
@@ArcadeStunfisk Thank you for this comment ♥️ it may be true
Now I'm set on finding someone with stable attachment, so I can feel safe in a relationship. I now I need stability and have enough experience to consider that before entering a relationship. (Currently I'm working on my issues in therapy and try to keep myself in check to not look for any relationship just to feel the void. I know it's not a good idea in this point in my life + I'm tired. It's hard sometimes bc I subconsciously look at people as potential romantic partners, but I'm doing my best haha)
You have no idea the positive impact you are having on my life. Thank you and keep up the great work!❤
This is so on point!
One thing I love about these skits besides bringing awareness to these issues and helping people who have been hurt heal,...
Is that it's usually like a mom and a daughter discussing these issues. Their feelings and how they are impacted by each other's struggles.
And if in real life people who have suffered with these same issues would at least talk about it, without insults or arguments,
But talk to each other clearly describing how they are affected, like in these skits, that alone would open a way to show that above these issues you are so important to me that; , I'm willing to open up in a way i normally wouldn't, and it would show that you care that much more.
It would definitely save relationships, and make room for understanding and healing.
For instance if my Mom had opened up to me about what she was upset about, instead of never talking to me about anything besides surface level conversations .. like it's bed time, time for school, and did you do your homework.,i would have felt more valued to her. The worst part of being treated like this is because you rely on your parents and they are Unstable at times, your Identity grows around them and one day you grow up and realize you don't know who you really are.
However if they had talked to you about it, or tried to let you know no matter what I want you to understand that this isn't because of you, you would have a better understanding and as a result have a healthier relationship with them, others and yourself....
I talk to my children, about everything.
And always let them know why I'm going through something and how it is not their fault at all.
Bingo!!!! You couldn’t have said this any better!👌🏾👏🏾❤
@@jocelynford4209 aww thank you! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I hear you.... my mother kept everything at a surface level also, realized after she died in July and spending lots of time with her as she used hospitals and rehab centers for her attention instead of ever connecting with family..... that there was a lot of repressed abandonment and rejection trauma wounds childhood that will ultimately come out as people age in subtle ways but they have no idea how to identify it or talk about it. If there are any meds from Big pharma, whether it be high blood pressure or diabetes anxiety depression COPD or gerd meds especially..... that quells your creativity, certainly doesn't allow you to feel Joy, as they lobotomize your frontal lobe, impact your executive functioning and creates early dementia symptoms, like visual spatial issues and maintaining attention. Memory is typically preserved but big Pharma knows what it's doing with those side effects😖😡 because they want to keep you in the medical system.
We get to choose our parents and family members, and even significant others, whether they bring us pleasure or pain, before we incarnate here so that we can learn lessons about the human condition/emotions... as we are highly evolved Spiritual Beings that chose to be here and we even get to choose our human suits beforehand.
I innately knew why I chose my mother, it was so that I could learn to be the opposite of her, I learned to heal myself from physical ailments that she kept creating for herself because of her own anxious fears/ thoughts and repressed emotions....( that's where illness and disease comes from).. I learned to be very connected to my body and know how to achieve peace in any situation, so that creates balance and Alignment in mind body and spirit..... and I learned how to be in the moment via meditative Buddhist practices. I loved the challenge of clearing out any childhood triggers And when you heal yourself, you now can heal others. I would have never been on that path if it wasn't for her. So I think it's great that you're doing the opposite as well because otherwise that generational trauma carries down the lineage. The ancestors are definitely proud of you!❤
I wish I had this information about 50 years ago. It perfectly explains why my marriage failed after seven painful years of misunderstanding and mutual disappointment.
“Activating” is a really helpful word
No one breaks down the interrelationships like you all! 🙌🏼
Great job , you nailed it. …..more to say about how avoidant partners can really be abusive to anxious subtypes, ❤hsps, or many other people with other tendencies.
Thank you for explaining my 27 year marriage to me...where were you in 1996?😂 Because of this video, I think I'll stick around.❤❤
Get the tools to heal and get a secure attachment style tho
@@24G-p5r ❤
I appreciate you educating us.😊 At the same time, this is making my head spin. It is a wonder anyone has a healthy relationship.🙃😵
I'm here laughing out loud as this IS ME and and my mother . And on any given day we switch those roles . This seems so clear watching it from outside .
I was in that situation with my ex. No amount of love could make it work for us. He was the love of my life but our relationship was triggering and toxic as hell. I (the anxious one) got so exhausted that i decided my peace was more important than anything else.
The belief I’m too much is something I deeply feel.
This was my life. 4 years ago, I started learning about attachment patterns. I remember watching one of your videos, and it was an initial eye opener for me. Thank you for doing your work. It has helped me to do mine. ❤
I love how you act this out in situations. So helpful. Love the silly music too. Perfect!
I've run from every relationship I've ever been in the moment I felt they actually loved me.
Same..being in a relationship right now but it’s feel Like im ready to run any minute
I love your short videos!!! They are very clear and explained so well they are easy to understand and help with emotions that we may not be able to explain ourselves.
This somehow encapsulated my entire relationship history and friendships with avoidants, more succinctly than anything else I've tried learning about this. The validation from "my parents moods changed constantly so I had to stay close and monitor them to feel safe." Thank you
I experience disorganized attachment, it would be really interesting to see a video on it!
I second this!
Thank you for these skits / demonstrations.......they help me understand my upbringing so much 👏💙
These role plays are really helpful. Goes to show what a bad idea it is for anxious and avoidant people to try to connect. It's not about changing communication, or strategy -- it's just fundamentally wrong. Avoidant people should be with people who can and even more so, want to have space to themselves. That way they can get together when it is convenient for both and anxious people should be in connections that are so predictable that it pulls their nervous system out of fight/flight/fawn and provides the opposite experience to their childhood. Having an opposite experience that caused the wounding is healing. The repetition of the positive acceptance will somatically shift the anxious attachment. The same way that having a ton of space and choice about when and how to connect will be healing for avoidants. These two attachments don't mix. Period. The end!
You are blowing my mind with every video I watch. Helping both myself and my Son. ❤
Your videos have helped me far more than the decades of therapy I've undergone. I understand more about myself and how I am now bc of how I was raised, *and* exactly how it is affecting the family I'm building.
Please keep doing these bc you are a Saint and this is much-much-much-needed.
If you where the Scapegoat child,Jay Reid has good videos about it. JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narc's.
I absolutely love you ❤ thank you again, for making these videos. My partner and I have this dynamic, slowly working on it together but this resonates so much with my situation.
I see aspects of myself in every single short! Yikes, the imperfect human experience...😳. I guess there's comfort knowing that I'm not the only one & that acceptance is progress?!?😅
Whyyyy must these issues attract the wrong kind of people for us 😭😅😅
Exactly😭😭😂😂
You are both amazing🙌🏻❤️
This is so helpful. I am so grateful to be more aware and healed with my anxious attachment now! Some seriously rough relationships in my 20s with avoidant attachment friends 😅😅😅
When they started conversing with each other I got lost a bit 😂
Disorganized attachment - you get the worrrrsstt of both worldsss 🎶
Yes, this is the last several years of my life. Thanks for this.
Tell each other what you just told each other. "I feel," and "I sense".
I pushed so hard for more of my husband for years and it just pushed him away. We are still together but the solution has been for me to go deep with God who calms me down. I have a secure attachment with Him. After six years of my giving him space and just getting on with my life, my husband is now interacting. I work two 12 step programs to help me stay sane and never revert back.
Its so bad u have to do all of this alone. Chances are that he not even aware of all your effort and this is damn unfair.
Where's the love and joy in all that. The suffering is too much. That's not God's ideal purpose for marriage. Distance is for strangers or evil people and walls and fences are to keep bad neighbors out or for a safeguard and a note of boundaries but loved ones are most always welcome there is no second thought it is natural. All these mental and emotional things are oppressing and surpress your liberty. Ohhh Jesus Thank You for the joy of the Lord. Give love simply loveeee. It is a release. Don't grab, don't be desperate, don't be codependent, don't smother when a person wants space but just live in love. Be free. Be honorable, be great, be you and give love with no general expectation of reciprocation but keep a high standard for reciprocation in intimate love. Remember love, care and positive attention is a lifestyle practice. It's a healthy lifestyle. Just be good. People who struggle with emotional, mental and behavioral disorders are traumatized somehow and unhealed this is like a burden to a free spirited person like a pest, demon or parasite. Nobody wants those bad vibes. If you refuse to be a Wonderful happy person you just don't fit into our paradise or utopia vibes. They are firing and triggering each other back and forth like a ping pong game. STOP ALL THAT BULLSHIT N JUST LOVE... WTF... that is it, true love is the healing!!!
@@sophiachin1262and then there’s being human. There’s been a tremendous amount of suffering for the last few thousand years, even you mentioned it yourself about trauma. Unfortunately it’s not just a case of “ok I’m going to be high vibe today”. Yes, positivity and optimism are helpful, but they’re also avoidant to healing our trauma. We do need a balance of spirituality and physicality, all the while one is human living this earthly plane. We do need to be realistic in order to heal. We are still with God through this. Really imperative not to keep one’s head in the clouds, and I stress face it head on. That’s where true peace and contentment comes from. It’s dangerous to dismiss and be unrealistic, or spiritually bypass also. Blessings to you ✨✨✨
@@sophiachin1262Agreed! True love, communication, trust, understanding, and a safe space is the answer to help heal this. People Must be open to tearing down their own protective walls or one will risk missing out on true love, true friendship, and happiness. Everyone is not out to get us! Loving and vulnerability is the Answer!
@@pppf_SYour own growth does not need to be validated by another. If you set out to heal yourself and you have found a path that has benefited you, then that's great! Why must it need approval of another? It feels great if another does, sure! But It's your journey, not anyone else's. If you've put in the hard work and you see growth, then be proud! Self validation is a wonderful tool. I highly recommend cultivating it. I love you unconditionally. ❤️🙏 Namaste.
The Anxious Avoidant dance.
Wow, I guess I’m anxious attachment. This is every relationship I’ve ever been in.
This is how I feel inside. These 2 dialogues together at the same time. And creates mayhem for me internally and I feel so overwhelmed by it sometimes. I’m in counseling for my mental health. I just felt like sharing.
it can work for some people. but it just didnt work for me. broke up with my ex who was anxious attachment (with anger issues) as an avoidant, i know relationships take work. but sometimes compromising my happiness is just not worth it
These videos are GOLD❤❤❤❤❤
Ah it’s the anxious attachment for me 😅
Thank you for all your videos ❤️🤘🏻
I think i have a bit of both, but not in any extreme way. I want closeness and I'm very intense about it. I like seeing reciprocity in the guy, but he can't be too into it and want closeness at the same level as I do. Otherwise i feel gross and as though he's rushing things (ironic, given my history of rushing in). But if he acts too distant, I panic and worry he doesn't like me. My current love interest, the moment I detected he liked me back a lot, I weirdly felt repulsed. But as soon as his demeanor turned back into a more stoic energy, I relaxed.
It's all very strange to me how I crave love and yet when I get it in an obvious manner, I want to run away. I've been telling myself lately that if I want to be loved, I'll just have to accept that any display of reciprocity is good and running away is doing exactly the opposite of what I've been striving for.
The fun feedloop of the weird yo-yo between avoidant vs codependent anxious 😅 and yet, it seems to be a very common pairing
Honestly, this is hiw people should talk about themselves. Self awareness and communication are what can really help relationships.
Wonderful example, easy to understand!!
Wow I think I'm both. Thank you for what you do. I'm learning a lot about myself.
This explains my last relationship. He's avoidant and I'm anxious. He kept running and it was draining my soul! He runs but always comes back. I'm just sick of it at this point. I don't want to deal with anymore avoidants.
Yeah, withholding love is abusive. It doesn’t matter what they went through as a child, it’s still cold, and cruel, and WRONG.
@@LittleLulubee AMEN!!!!
hell yeah
Hes not that into you. Here you go.😊
@@redleeks6253 That may be true too. Doesn't matter to me at this point. 😊
When I began to pray to God for protection a decade ago,many times a day and always before sleep,I found self-love and alots of anxiety dissapeared.I'm an highly sensitive Empath who takes in others and needed the strongest protection there is, I can feel the difference before and after praying. I grew up as the Scapegoat child of two Narc's,my father was violent towards me,so the place called home was unsafe and gave me huge memory loss. JazzyT, Heyoka Empath.
These attachment styles can come from other situations in life as well. Not only what happened with the parents
What if I have the combo meal on this one?
Me too
This is validating and yet tragic at the same time
This is me (avoidant) and my husband (anxious). The way you role play is so awesome. I love it and helps me see us differently. Thank you❤❤
Could we get your take on fearful meets anxious? These are beautiful!
Thank you for making these. This gives so much insight
Been there. The relationship felt like “he’s too much and I’m not enough”
Oof, and then anxious attachment ends up w other anxious attachments bc they're the only ones it feels safe to be around 😅😬💀
Both are so intimately familiar and excruciatingly painful.😢
So true. Happening to me again for the 5 millionth time 😅😮😢🎉
so right 👍👍
As an avoidant, I wonder how many anxious attachments I broke off from. It's draining trying to be a cuddly teddy bear when you feel like an overused, scribbled-on toy. I guess it's better to say goodbye than it is to ice them out because you're exhausted.
I will not worry or panic . I will calm down breathe in and out slowly and feel the feeling of being loved by the universe knowing that everything and everyone is alright . I am not alone and there are people who do love me . I acknowledge , that I always have Jesus with me all the time. He hears me , he cares about me and is always listening .That is how I know, that I am okay and everyone else is okay too, cause Jesus and the Angels are watching over us all the time . ❤Thank-you Lord for Healing and protecting me, my children , my family , and everyone in the world and Giving us all lots of Peace , Love and Joy 🥰 I will live my life with a Merry Happy Heart to feel the feeling of being loved and appreciated all the time no matter what . 🌎 Knowing God is With Me 😉 right beside me 😘 all the time ! We all go through different childhood feelings and emotions and happenings , just know that you are perfectly normal and beautiful just the way you are . God is always arranging all the right people and places in our path to help us all to be okay 😊!
Please do a dialogue for fearful avoidant attachment!!
I’m avoidant attachment and my best friend is anxious attachment. It’s not usually a problem unless I start going on a lot of dates with a guy. She gets scared of losing me and draws closer to me, becoming very affectionate in front of the guy, as if to let him know that I am hers and he can’t have me. Blocking him from sitting next to, talking to me, etc.
This of course causes me to push her away which fulfills her fear that I will abandon her if I get a boyfriend. Shes aware she is doing it and even apologizes without my having to point it out, but it’s like a reflex she can’t control and neither of us know how to handle it. I have no intention of abandoning her as she has been there for me through thick and thin, but it is very stressful for me to deal with especially when dating is already difficult and I don’t like seeing her so scared of losing me.
Advice would be appreciated.
She probably should try to see you as two Individuals,instead of someone they're in a symbiosis with,real friends want's the best for their friend and will not put control into the friendship,as your friend does to you. JazzyT.
That last sentence hit me in the chest like the horse kick i took to it last Saturday night, haha-
HARD...
Working towards security every day. But, disorganized attachment factors into a lot of things you might not think, like your parasympathetic response - flight fight freeze or fawn.
These kinda videos are really helpful! Thank you so much!
Why do I feel like both!😮😂
oh dear Lord, it is so difficult when parents don't want their children; neglecting & abusiving them instead of actually being an active, loving parent doing parenting. Its a verb for at least a decade❤
You nailed the cycle 💕
Do you have any content for disorganized attachment? ❤
ohm i cry and cry and cry - the abandonment feels so real and painful - trying to heal this!!!❤
This makes so much sense now because of the way my hubby and i were raised
Thank you for your dedication & hard work! Please write a book compiling all of your videos & offer solutions for each; types of therapy, EMDR, Ketamine treatments, etc. I’ll try anything to heal my inner child 🙏😊❤️
Me too. Must be to do with an adhd brain. God there’s so much to take in 🤷♀️
Alice Miller writes about attatchment styles. JazzyT.
Jeez its like listening to the two sides of my brain having a conversation 🫣
the real fun is when you have both of these people as parents so you become anxious-avoidant 🥳️🥳️
THIS IS WHY INSECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE AND AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE ARE LIKE OIL AND WATER AND A RECIPE FOR DISTASTER. PEOPLE GO FIND SOMEONE WHO IS SECURELY ATTACHED WHO CAN MEET YOUR NEEDS FOR CONNECTION OR SPACE.
Fearful avoidant is basically having this dialogue with yourself in a relationship. Being activated by BOTH things from your partner.
I’m an Anxious attachment and I always seem to find Avoidants. I find it so difficult to get out of my cycle of anxiousness to try and connect with my partner in a way that will resonate with him. Struggling with my attachment and trying to give him the benefit of the doubt has broken us up many times. But I’m trying to work on breaking that cycle in individual therapy. I need to give myself and my now ex-partner grace for growth
I've always wondered why I feel both of these 😢my minds not right!
I can relate and feel both. It is frustrating
These two types of people do not need to be together 😞
What about Disorganized Attachment? Elaborate more on this. Ty Great skits. ❤
Watching this while hiding in the bedroom coz parents are fighting and noone knows who's feeling what.... Is so accurate and scary at the same time.
Man I was in a relationship like this. Even physical touch made me twitch and stuff. It hurt them. It hurt me too. Like I want to be touched but it’s usually like too much idk
Fearful avoidant cries in the corner 😂
I am disorganized attachment.
What is the next stage... how do these two attachment styles come together?
Thank you! More videos on attachment styles would be so awesome!
Sometimes i'm both . I wanna be close with my friends but i'm to much when i'm loud , but when i stay silent i instantlly think that i'm invisible 😅 argh
Literally feeling this way today and this popped up. Anxious attachment here! I have realized I make up for it by being really affectionate/giving so I never feel disconnected but then when I’m upset or in a bad place I fall into myself and just magically hope my partner (who’s used to/loves my affection but doesn’t need it desperately like I do) will make up the difference without me even asking and then I’m all hurt and feeling rejected or like I did something wrong. And I logically know this is all trauma etc. and that I’m loved and need to communicate my wants and feelings. Which leaves me feeling stupid for being upset and feeling clingy. Yay!!!! But slowly, with therapy and work I’m healing ❤️🩹. Slowly. Very slowly…. 😅
Same.
Are you me?