This kind of goes along with the "look at everything I do for you," but we also got the "just wait till you have kids of your own, and they act so ungrateful and spoiled" (Not surprisingly I never had any kids…).
my parents said the same thing too at one point 🙃 unfortunately for them i will never have kids, and not wanting to pass on the generational trauma onto them is one huge reason i will never have them
All of the bullets and more. For almost 50 years I had lived with the idea that I was nothing unless I serve and help others. Just recently I realized that "my character" was actually a bunch of symptoms of Complex trauma and I act as a codependent person. The grief and anger for all these years wasted due to self sabotage, refusing opportunities, playing invisible and getting into abusive relationships is overwhelming sometimes. The deep shame of being nothing and deserving nothing rulled my life and made me run away from love, appreciation, opportunities and success. No achievement was good enough for me up to now. I was my hardest critic as I kept the voices of my father and my mother in my head. Sorry for the long coment, but I guess I am still processing my emotions and trying to cope with this realisation. Thank you for your videos. They help me find more and more aspects of my trauma and get through this period.
No contact with my mother. She probably thinks I am the problem. Ok then. "They don't apologise". My mom would always say "I can not be wrong because I am the mother" or "It has never happened" or "Ok, maybe it happened, but just let it go already".
They are so quick to move on and put everything in the "past" . My mother does this all the time. On one hand I admire that she doesn't hold grudges and wants to move on BUT on the other hand, it's really because she doesn't want to hold herself accountable and deal with being a mature adult dealing with emotions and having those conversations.
It hurt me deeply that my mother did these kinds of things. I cant even think of her as my true mother. I have tried to stick around to take care of her, but she has made it impossible- more toxic than ever. Physically and psychologically abusive- she is very intuitive and uses any vulnerability to exploit. Just no. No more. I get to be a person too.
I feel this. I'm definitely the problem to my own mom. After I set clear boundaries, stated I cared about her and wanted a relationship she said, "I can't do this anymore. I'm not good enough for you. I just can't live like this anymore".....same mom same. I think the most frustrating part of going no contact is having to explain/justify to anyone who asks why I went no contact. It's never "what did the parent do to make a child not want to have a relationship with them?" And it's always "what did you do?"
I’m no contact with my dad too. What’s the point in trying to communicate with people who will gaslight you into believing that you’re misremembering abuse or making it up. It’s like screaming into a void and losing your voice from it. I decided to save my voice for people who could hear it and it is the single best decision I have made in my life.
This resonates with me so much :( One thing specifically is how my mom would constantly guilt me about "how much they've done for me" and how "ungrateful" I am, even though I rarely asked for things and was pretty grateful for what I had. As a kid she'd corner me in my room and berate about my "ungratefulness" until I started crying, after which she'd seem satisfied and stop. To this day I have a hard time accepting help or gifts from anyone because this little voice in my head tells me I'm not worth it. I think this may be the reason I seek out friends/partners where I end up being used because otherwise I feel like I'm taking advantage of that person... I've been working on it for years but it's still really tough to overcome.
I had pretty the same exerince with my mother 😢 I am sending you loads of love ❤ be strong and distance yourself from her as much as possible. This is damaging for life… save your life by cutting the cord. You deserve peace and happiness!!
What monsters. Children are the parents’ choice, the care of those kids is their chosen (legal) responsibility. These dysfunctional parents want an award for taking care of their kids? Congratulations, they stayed out of jail!
Love and hugs to all of you …hope you all find a way to leave the circle of junk this creates (inside and out) and find peace and worth and self worth and self love. ❤❤❤
I unfortunately was raised by narc parents and through years of therapy helped me be aware. I have depression,Anxiety, Eating disorders, CPTSD and anxious attachment from the abuse and I absolutely refuse to bring the generation curse with my future children. Healing was the hardest most challenging thing I ever went through but it is worth it to see the root of my problems and learning how to cope with it. ❤
I'm proud of you for walking down the road of healing! You're right. It's not easy but you are breaking the cycle of generational trauma. You aren't alone. I'm walking next to you too. ❤️ You got this!
Yep, all of the above. My mom is a whole cluster b nightmare. My dad is… something; not sure what. Sometimes I forget that other people have parents without all of these traits, other times I’m preoccupied on thinking about those healthy parents and how I could’ve turned out if I had been lucky enough to be raised in a normal family.
You are not alone on this! I think to myself all the timewhy did I get this shit family dynamic when others got a good healthy home?? Why wasn't I lucky enough?? It is and was possible just not for me, working on moving forward...
The fact that you have the awareness of the impact you have on others is a good thing! It takes a long time to unlearn but therapy and reading books like "adult children of emotionally immature adults" are SO healing to know you aren't alone and how to re-parent yourself to break the cycle. Sending you a hug and positive vibes.
Yup! Both parents have these signs. It was a nightmare growing up. My home was more like a prison than a home, I couldn’t wait to leave the house. The irony of Life is that it forced me to move back home and heal with them. I’ve came out of my dark nights of the soul with them, and we are on better terms. I wish all of you the best.💛
The thing is, most people who are like this have a high opinion of themselves. The won't admit there's a problem because they see themselves as perfect. That's why they never apologize.
I don't talk to my mom. If I say or do something wrong she will stop talking to me. I just don't have time for that. My siblings can tell her anything there is no consequence. Love has always been conditional. I was the scapegoat in the family dynamics. I was an extremely sensitive child. It has definitely affected me.
@lindaanne9403 I definitely relate except it's a little more my Dad. Being "loved conditionally" doesn't feel like love at all. I find the whole thing very draining.
It usually has to be the most sensitive child to be the scapegoat. They have to be intuitive enough to pick up on the subtle tactics, and care enough about the parent’s well being to be available for the manipulation. It’s diabolical to set up an innocent and emotionally intelligent child that way. I’m sorry it happened to you. Those kinds of sweet kids should be celebrated and encouraged. Not stunted.
@@elii_diiz Good question. I don't know. Good luck. I don't know if it's best to call them out or to be Teflon and don't care. I think it might have helped to acknowledge early that my mum is an assh0l1 a dickhead. There are lots of asses in the world and sometimes family members are one of them, its not our fault its just bad luck.
Throughout my course of therapy, I realized how emotionally underdeveloped both of my parents were because of their traumatic childhood. I’ve accepted and grieved the relationship I will never have with them. I keep them on the periphery of my life and keep my expectations of them low to protect my emotional self. It was a hard decision to make but it was the best one for my own mental health.
While listening to this i suddendly broke in tears. So true. I had a sense that something was wrong with my childhood and this is so.... validating. Somethimes I think about who I could have been if I had grown up in a loving, supporting family. But each of us has his/her own path, I think that we need to start acknowledging that our wounds are the roots of our wisdom and strenght, that the magnificence of us human beings is the ability to evolve, forgive and embrace love and acceptance, towards us in the first place, but also towards the people who hurt us so bad in the past.
It’s crazy that my dad was every single one on this list. The guilt & shaming were the worst though. My dad won custody over my sister and I, but he used to make me feel so guilty every time I wanted to see my mom. I was 9 years old, of course I missed my mom. I’m still working on untangling all of the difficult emotions, but your videos have been so helpful I’m so grateful for all of your work 🙏
I always get the apologies, empty apologies, juat another way to manipulate you. They "apologise" so you have to forgive their bad behaviour, abuse and treatment, then next day they do the same.
I have scored every bullet. Grew up next to single mother, it never occurred to me to wonder why was I so utterly unhappy, being the same time "the most provided for and selfish girl in the city". It's a new revelation every day, I was 17 and struggling to change University because I didn't fit completely at the one in a hometown. She convinced me it was a bad idea, so she won't live alone for another 3 years. My mother has passed away 7 years ago and it has been a RELIEF. I can't believe this is what we have for a relationship, I am her age now and I see how she lied to me every day for 20 years or so, mostly on occasion of doing smth in my favour while acting in her interest one way or another. So I have the rest of my life to figure out how acting in my own interests actually feels.
My parents married & had kids before they were ready. That was due to cultural pressures e.g., my dad is from a Catholic family. I’m 60 y.o. now. My mom wound up leaving my dad. They are both people who are willing to learn, change & grow. I have a decent relationship with each. BUT i still have “eggshell” moments with both of them. I don’t follow your channel out of self-pity, some might have that take. I’m actively seeking ways to heal. Thanks for your contribution, Dr Nicole & team, to helping people recognize & disrupt these tragic generational cycles. 🌳
I think you nailed this. I really appreciate the distinction of being or behaving narcissisticly as a result of inter generational trauma/ abuse/neglect versus lumping everything under NPD- important distinctions and yeah I am 44 still struggle with the after effects - can’t wait for part two
Thank you! Have one myself who according to everyone who has known him his entire life has “always acted like this.” Sometimes it’s not trauma but just born missing a certain piece.
I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt. This is a short informational clip. Not a psychology or neurology class. It's hard to cover all of the ins/outs in a 15-minute clip on RUclips without having to go into the research behind all of it. You are right though. It's not always trauma. It can be genetics. The brain's an interesting thing. Sometimes we're born with genetics that are turned on (already narcissistic), sometimes we have the genetics but it has to get activated (trauma or lifestyle habits-more below) and sometimes it's a learned behavior that never gets resolved. This is something I learned in my neurology class in graduate school. There's loads of information out there on how personality disorders form. I suggest doing your own research to learn more. In regards to lifestyle habits, I'm thinking of a more extreme example where someone is struggling with addiction. They aren't born an addict but they have DNA that predisposes them to become an addict if it gets "turned on". I.e., trauma, family norms, lifestyle habits, culture, etc.
i have gone no contact with both my parents earlier in my life and until recently i didn't communicate with them often. they are now suffering from dementia and i help out but not as much as i would had they been more present and self-aware. i am the scapegoat so i'm the only sibling who fully acknowledges the dysfunction of our family.
I didn't know how much generational trauma could be related to this. My mom is definitely this. My dad was this as well when he was in the military but relax after he retired. So that was nice.
Yup. This was my childhood! Even to this day, I downplay my emotions and my emotional needs. I even tell myself (as my mother did countless times): "You shouldn't feel that way." I'm looking forward to the next video and how to deal with the consequences of having had a narcissistic parent! Thank you for making this video!!!!
This video made me stop blaming myself and realize what I had been through in my childhood. Realizing hurts but it also made me more aware and mindful, and I won’t talk to myself the way my N parent did.
Totally grew up with all of this. I stopped trying to have a relationship with my last parent. And when I told people about what she did, she said I was just upset with her and won't talk to me anymore. No apologies, no "Can we talk about this?", nothing. It's all about what she wanted.
My parent checks 5/8 of these boxes, so not sure if that qualifies as narcissistic, but she was diangosed with Bipolar disorder a year ago (I'm 32 now). Either way, the effects of her neglect, unpredictability and shame still lingers with me. We have a "good" relationship now - very superficial - only because I've learnt in therapy to set firm boundaries, but I still feel I have healing to be done.
Ugh...all except 1 (I think) fits my parents. I can't think about it for too long...I don't know how I'm not narcissistic. Someone used the term "learned narcissism" and that resonated with me , because I used to give people the silent treatment, until I read that it was abusive. I stopped after that. The same with some other toxic behaviours I learned and repeated. It just all makes me so incredibly sad.
My father is narcissistic and so are 2 out of his 4 siblings. There is very clearly generational trauma there. I can understand and empathise but I can’t forgive him choosing not to change when the option was a) work on yourself or b) lose your children. He made his choice. He just doesn’t see it that way.
I am the family scapegoat. All of them are cluster bs. They were not abused as boomer children. Au contraire. Here’s the kicker. I was deaf as a child. This was not acknowledged in my home. I was put into hearing school with zero help. I had an IEP until high school graduation that nothing was done with. This video makes it seem like oops they just happened to be toxic narcs! Like it’s an accident of fate. I do like the video. The narc could have had so many happy memories. But chose toxicity. No contact for over a year. ❤ wishing everyone healing!
So do we forgive / use compassion or disconnect from them? Growing up with so much shame for not being the daughter my mom wanted me to be - thinks disconnecting is also not "the right thing to do" which might cause my mom to be upset with me again...and I was a great responsible child, pleased constantly, but yet... not enough. what a cycle. 😢😢😢
Needs? What needs? Lol! I'm well recovered now, and 100% re generational trauma - many, many families are like this, to varying degrees. I've made it my business to support others going through their recovery. And key to my own has definitely been going no-contact with certain family members (dad, aunts...) - to anyone struggling with that one - sometimes it's the only way to save your own mental health. You deserve it, you deserve your freedom, too. Much love & appreciation for these greats videos 💙💎🦋💎💙
Knowing I will no longer have to share important milestones with them is a huge relief. Exhausting individuals. Raising children and marriage AND dealing with them-- I'd never know peace lol.
I always felt in the way as a child, told I was too sensitive, guilted, shamed, and even now, my 94 year old mother will still give me the silent treatment for 3 days to punish me.
One thing I experienced that I don’t hear about much is doublespeak. I experienced most of the things on this list but didn’t understand that until my 30s because I was explicitly told that that wasn’t what was happening. I was told “children shouldn’t have to take care of their parents”, but praised for cooperating in my parentification and approval was withheld when I didn’t. My mom despised the “stage mothers” at my auditions, but basked into the attention I got from performing and quietly made her disapproval of my other interests very clear. And she talked about how important boundaries were but never let me set any with her. My guess is that that was #1 and #2 in conflict: her need to maintain her image as an amazing mother (including to herself) required that I pretend that all the ways I was expected to meet her needs were my own free choice, and even my idea.
All except living through my accomplishments, my mother didn’t encourage me to have any kind of accomplishment, she discouraged any out of home activities and if I did do well in school I was criticised for not doing better. She never bragged about me, she complained about me though.
Thank you for all your videos they really help me understand and also to know that as a therapist you have been through it makes me trust you even more. I can check everything in your list on different levels and it helps me take some distance with things. ❤❤❤
I love all of your videos! Thank you so so much. You have no idea how much you have helped me. Your videos are also so informative and I love that. It’s super interesting and I’m so glad I found your channel recently. ❤
I feel like knowing and learning that they really are like that, makes me have these heavy feelings of sadness and kinda restlessness.... I already made peace with the idea that they maybe narcissistic, but listening and feeling like it's confirmed, gives me this feeling that I still am grieving from it.
They *won't* push through their discomfort to grow. Many of us worked through the discomfort of identifying our trauma, learning self-awareness, often going through years of intensive (and uncomfortable) therapy to learn to re-parent ourselves. Our parents are like "nah, not doing any reading or therapy." They feel they've earned the right to judge us because we won't stop having emotions and opinions around them after all they've done for us; the least we could do is shut up and be grateful they sacrificed their whole lives for us. They still adhere to the whole "children should be seen and not heard" philosophy even when we're middle-aged.
That list it's the friendly way of recognize a narc parents, let's talk about the dark evil core of a narc parent: + They are envious of you. + They will sabotage you in all ways. + They hate you. + They get angry when you are happy. + They destroy your stuff in porpoise, and make it look like a accident. + They put siblings to fight one against the other + They play victim to others and complain about you so you always be the bad . + They may even try to poison your food. + They are such hypocrites. + They instigate you to feel envy of other. + They always criticize you for everything. + Never it's effort enough to please them. + They will use you as a tool to achieve any means. + They teach you to self sabotage. + They get angry if you confront them. + They always compare you to someone else in order to diminish your self steam. + They make sure to be absent when you need them the most. + They always use gaslighting. +They are mythomaniacs. .....I can keep going on but rather would love to see what else you add to the list...
My narcissistic mum wasn't happy until I told her I was suicidal because of her abuse. She would have been very very happy if I ended my life, esp because of her. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction. What an evil mother.
My mother ticks all of these. She said to me herself that as a child she viewed me as an extension of herself. She's an expert at guilt tripping and making you feel like you're the bad person in every situation. I realised I could never get through to her when one day as a young adult I tried telling her I felt hurt by her words and actions and she just told me "you don't have a monopoly on suffering". I felt so stunned by these words that I simply left and went no contact for years. We talk now but I keep a safe distance. It hurts to know I'll never get to be as close as I would like with her and that she probably will never change.
I already knew my ma was an abusive narcissistic. But your videos make me feel seen. We got fired by 3 family therapists. Now, because of my eldest daughter syndrome, I am forced to take care of her as her POA as she has had 3 strokes. I am trying to be her caretaker while dealing with all of this anger. She is essentially a 5yr old in her mind. But I am still stuck in this rage and sadness while having to be kind to her.
Its helpful for me at 55 to keep in mind that my parents didn’t have the ability to care for me well because they also didnt have their needs met, since I am trying to stay away from depressed feelings like it was personal. It is such a between a rock and a hard place situation if I dont go way beyond my parents, my family, all the people in my original community that they told their stories to so they looked good. I have to go to what can i contribute to the world? Why am i here in a larger sense, because all those bonds i wish i could have had have been ruptured. Maybe they can heal in time for me to appreciate that, but i have to try to move into my own worth and be who i am despite all the background noise and the little girl voice who needs a hug. She gets the hugs from me now, my pets and remembering my big picture purpose- not staying focused on the mind controlling and attempts to belittle and manage me. And im not afraid to be human now- swear and say f!!!! Off! When i need to separate myself if need be. Not trying to hurt anyone-just refuse to do the bidding of the narcissistic people.
Yup! Like two narc parents weren't enough, the whole family were the same. One perfect shiny coat outside and a bunch of daily "crappola" going on just about every day in the inside. I was labeled as too sensitive and forced to smile even in the face of abuse and neglect. Older sister was bully to the point of making me bleed whenever she pleased and guess who always got blamed anyways for everything. And OMG! The drama, the guilt and the shame if things were not as they would have liked...On a positive note, though, I fully understood that part that you mentioned in your video about the fact that they themselves were not able to process their own traumas, whatever their traumas were. Indeed, they were also born in dysfunctional families themselves, and came out of war without ever have the chance to process their own wounds either. I actually feel deep compassion for them due to the fact that they never had the "luxury" to even live their own childhood or youth before beginning to build their own family. This is where I feel most compassionate about it, and yet, that's where I find the strengths to forgive them. They actually did their best with what they had at hand at that time which wasn't much at all.
35 years old and have been in and out of no contact since mid twenties. It’s been a tough road - bc mom dismisses and deflects anything I try to talk through. She’d rather brush it all under the rug or blame me for the problems. I still feel a lot of guilt and grief in my distance - especially around the holidays
My mom and dad were like this. My dad passed away and my mom has Alzheimer’s. I tried taking care of her at home (I moved her in and quit my job). After a year I was ready to give up and meet my creator; I was a wreck emotionally and physically. I moved my mom into memory care and the guilt over that decision eats at me. I can’t unthink the thought of anything going wrong in my life is punishment for moving my mom to memory care. BTW, I was almost completely estranged from her prior to her diagnosis.
Very good descriptions. Bit like bingo ticking off each one! Trying to understand and accept my mother (and exwife) behaved in these manipulative and cruel ways as a means of hiding from their own shame, guilt and childhood traumas. Need to break the cycle for myself and my own children. Up until a short while ago i actually believed my childhood was great and normal 😂hard to reconcile with an absent, now deceased father too. Slowly I’m becoming more aware and trusting in the healing and light. Meditation has helped a great deal. I’ve cried more in the past couple of years than I did in the previous 40, since I was a child!
Both my parents seem to fit in the description... I heard so many times "you are a bad daughter, I didn't raise you like this" but I think on that and I did everything right, they just didn't agree with it and "I'll pay with my own kids".... also I still remember to this day one time I was like 13 and was struggling with controling my emotions especially right before and during my period, like I could wake up grumpy and didn't understand why... my dad told me "Oh you CHOOSE to be grumpy, it's not like you don’t know where that came from"..... years later I learned about hormonal changes and ways to balance them, and that I have a medical condition that worsens those mood swings....... I felt so ashamed to feel grumpy out of nowhere for so long that I kept it in and now I also battle with rage flares that I am learning to control so I don't burst out with my kids 😢
I loved this. Also rell us ways to heal from the disorder in the end. Tell Does anyone else have anxiety or struggle with OCD because of living with parents who comported like this?
Experienced this from my mum and my sister. It is difficult to have a relationship with them and connect because I know how they will respond which will trigger my wounds. Trying to heal and grow from this currently so I can have healthy intimate relationship
Both of my parents hit all of the bullet points. In her su***de note, my mother even blamed me, after 40 years of narcissistic abuse THAT is what she left me. 💔
My mom checks off all those points and my dad some. I didn’t know until my later teens that my mom was narcissistic. I really don’t know what I thought to be honest. I always did exactly what my mom told me and she would introduce me as the golden child and I used to take pride in that until I understood her better. My childhood friends also had parents that were in some way toxic so I never knew the difference. I thought the way my parents treated me was normal. My mom stone walled me when I was 11 because “I didn’t skate well” when I was practicing with my coach. I was running late and had 5 minutes before I had to get on the ice and I didn’t eat anything so she got me a bagel. I didn’t eat the bagel because I didn’t want that in my system right as I got on the ice and I skated poorly. I just remember trying to talk to her and she would just look at me and I would just ball crying locked in my room. Something fairly recent was I wanted to get eloped to my now husband. She told me that wasn’t what I wanted and I should have a wedding with family. She exploded on me and my then fiancé because we were going to go through with the elopement. I got eloped in December and she found out by my health insurance being canceled. When I went over for Christmas my family just stared at me and were talking behind our backs. I handed my mom her gift and she practically ignored me and that was probably the worst I have ever felt. We are on better terms now but it felt like such a weight on my back for months.
Very familiar for me. I dealt with it growing up and I coped fine but when my wife then kids were targeted to get a narcissist’s way I had enough. No help, no support but my kids are exposed to this type of behaviour so small price to pay.
I’m hoping there’s a third video covering ways to deal with the effects it has in our adulthood because that’s where I’m at currently. I’ve forgotten how to communicate with others and I’ve been feeling like I have to walk on eggshells with anyone I interact with. It’s so exhausting and draining and I want to feel like I can be myself or to even dig deeper to get to know myself because it’s felt unsafe to do so for so long
ALL of that ☝️is 100% accurate🧐Those people never take responsibility for their own lives expecting others to save them. 🙏Thank You so much for sharing! It’s a very informative video.🌸🌼🌺
@@TheHolisticPsychologist 💚absolutely! Please continue educating us because it helps us to understand ourselves, heal our past and become better and happier human beings!💯Thank a lot!☘️
Both of my parents are narcissistic people that’s why I’m a fatherless and motherless child my mom 👩🏾 is worst then my dad he’s tried to make amends over the years but he still has no real interest in me or my everyday life. My mom 👩🏾 I’ve had to go no contact she’ll reach out every now and then but I have no real relationship with her
Yes, I grew up with my narsissist dad. As a child I learned to justify every thing he did even if he was clearly wrong, even if he was violent emotionaly or fisicly. He used to say: "you have no right to judge me" and "you take for grandted everything I do, I might die tomorrow". It was so awful, I just couldnt see it. I cut comunication with him the day he was violent towards me, he couldnt stand I put a boundarie on him, and I thought he wasn't cappable of being fisicly violent with me, but he was. We havent talked in two years and a half, and I don't think he cares if I live or die. Now I don't feel safe trusting older men, or people in general.
You can understand that the parents themselves have their own issues in childhood, which explains why they were like this, but my question is: could you forgive them? You can simply understand that they have their own mental issues and it wasn't fair how they treated us, but knowing that they may never be held accountable for their actions and most likely they will continue to put the blame on us and it still hurts... can you still forgive them?
Thats my big question right now, and Im.more in the NO response because someone who still is hurting us its natural just to walk away, It isnt functional to forgive or apologise without a change behaviour, its going to repeat and now im stucked in that horrible cycle. At least i've learned in phsicology that we as humans arent obligated to forgive, because in the world exists a hole narrative about foregiveness that only you are "big" and "superior" or a "better" human if you do it, and if ypu dont you're the terrible one. And thats false, to put to the victim that guilt and obligation to forgive even he or she was abused its bad and toxic. We are not obligated to forgive that persons. Unfortunatly they obligate us to take the hard decisions like no contact them no more, they obligate us to get through difficult feelings like the guilt that come with those desicions, but thats the answer, if the relationships ends its because their fall. Not ours.
Had a vulnerable narcissistic father who died this spring. The more I look, the more I realise how _mean_ he really was. My mother, who was very enabling and is still emotionally immature, still thinks he was a good person for some odd reason.
My mother never showed any love she would leave me alone for a week and come back and not talk to me I was 8 yrs old. Today Im sure she wonders why I cant connect w her like my younger siblings.
Everything Nichole describes here is my mom and it hurts because when I went and did something that I felt was a monumental accomplishment she tried to say the person I was with that night in 2011 that I was acting in sexual ways with was a predator. Mom was only saying this because it was around 8pm on a Sunday night and I. Was purposely ignoring my phone til 9pm and mom had snooped on my computer and saw that I was having webcam timer with a much older man and thus she had the police with her when I answered. Mind you this was at the age of 21, I was not a minor. After I came home from that night by my dad I was trying to talk about it as the fun thing I did over the summer and people around me told me not to talk about it to anyone. I am still angry about it 13 years later. I’m not angry about what happened to me because to me it was not a sexual assault and my mom tries to insist it was. I’m angry at the fact my feels of thrill were shut down. Now when my mom is over the moon about something I feel bitter and jealous that she can freed that way about something but when I did in 2011 I was told not to feel that way by being told not to talk about it.
What can I do if I have to live together with my narcissistic mom, I dont have an inmediatly option of getting out of my home, I dont have a job, Im looking for one but even that decision of turn all my life and focus it into start to getting out feels so terrible and sad. I have to work and make my own money while I think every day in my situation with her. Im 27 and finally I can understand what is happening with me. I was in a free psychological therapy but I feel this isnt helping me, it isnt a good service at all ): Idk how to feel better at home or what can I do while I decide to break all the relationship with my mom or not. ): my therapist is only focusing in how probably my mom is feeling and why, not about to teach me how to validate and navegate my own emotions that are high levels of anger and depression.
Hii, I had a narcissistic mother, I've done therapy many times, most important thing you should feel good with the therapist. I would say change therapist and leave as soon as you can. All the best ❤❤❤
you are not alone, my situation is similar then your's . I have a job but not enough money to move out because I need to help out financially my mom because she does not earn enough... dont know how to deal with her bc I really want to move out & live my life the way I deserve it
I believe both my parents were/are narcissistic but it's different with each of them. I've chosen narcissistic men as well. Done with that! Just bought your book How To Be The Love You Seek.
My mom recently (finally!) admitted to me that she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but she also share many of the traits you discussed. What are the chances she is both?
Adding: My mom grew up a heavily parentified first daughter and sibling to 6 other kids. Her family was very poor and very abusive. Mental illness and addiction factored heavily into daily life. I'm not at all surprised that my mom is the way she is.
I sound like a future narcissistic parent but I also feel like my mom does this too and we both feel the same way. I do feel like I make mistakes and need to say sorry, but my mom doesn’t believe that she can hurt my feelings and if I bring it up she tells me it didn’t happen or that there’s no way it could’ve affected me because it doesn’t make sense logically.
Ah yes, this is my dad. Very little praise, silent treatment for weeks, unpredictable moods, never would apologize, and emotions were rarely validated and regarded as unnecessary. And I was his least favorite so I was his main target. Good times.
This kind of goes along with the "look at everything I do for you," but we also got the "just wait till you have kids of your own, and they act so ungrateful and spoiled"
(Not surprisingly I never had any kids…).
@@juliet8678 my mother always told me, “ if you want to have anything don’t have kids”.
my parents said the same thing too at one point 🙃 unfortunately for them i will never have kids, and not wanting to pass on the generational trauma onto them is one huge reason i will never have them
@@violet-sr6vh same here, although we'd probably be better parents since we're conscious of these patterns.
All of the bullets and more. For almost 50 years I had lived with the idea that I was nothing unless I serve and help others. Just recently I realized that "my character" was actually a bunch of symptoms of Complex trauma and I act as a codependent person. The grief and anger for all these years wasted due to self sabotage, refusing opportunities, playing invisible and getting into abusive relationships is overwhelming sometimes. The deep shame of being nothing and deserving nothing rulled my life and made me run away from love, appreciation, opportunities and success. No achievement was good enough for me up to now. I was my hardest critic as I kept the voices of my father and my mother in my head.
Sorry for the long coment, but I guess I am still processing my emotions and trying to cope with this realisation. Thank you for your videos. They help me find more and more aspects of my trauma and get through this period.
No contact with my mother. She probably thinks I am the problem. Ok then.
"They don't apologise". My mom would always say "I can not be wrong because I am the mother" or "It has never happened" or "Ok, maybe it happened, but just let it go already".
They are so quick to move on and put everything in the "past" . My mother does this all the time. On one hand I admire that she doesn't hold grudges and wants to move on BUT on the other hand, it's really because she doesn't want to hold herself accountable and deal with being a mature adult dealing with emotions and having those conversations.
It hurt me deeply that my mother did these kinds of things. I cant even think of her as my true mother. I have tried to stick around to take care of her, but she has made it impossible- more toxic than ever. Physically and psychologically abusive- she is very intuitive and uses any vulnerability to exploit. Just no. No more. I get to be a person too.
I feel this. I'm definitely the problem to my own mom. After I set clear boundaries, stated I cared about her and wanted a relationship she said, "I can't do this anymore. I'm not good enough for you. I just can't live like this anymore".....same mom same. I think the most frustrating part of going no contact is having to explain/justify to anyone who asks why I went no contact. It's never "what did the parent do to make a child not want to have a relationship with them?" And it's always "what did you do?"
I’m no contact with my dad too. What’s the point in trying to communicate with people who will gaslight you into believing that you’re misremembering abuse or making it up. It’s like screaming into a void and losing your voice from it.
I decided to save my voice for people who could hear it and it is the single best decision I have made in my life.
Thank you for sharing your experience🙏
This resonates with me so much :( One thing specifically is how my mom would constantly guilt me about "how much they've done for me" and how "ungrateful" I am, even though I rarely asked for things and was pretty grateful for what I had. As a kid she'd corner me in my room and berate about my "ungratefulness" until I started crying, after which she'd seem satisfied and stop. To this day I have a hard time accepting help or gifts from anyone because this little voice in my head tells me I'm not worth it. I think this may be the reason I seek out friends/partners where I end up being used because otherwise I feel like I'm taking advantage of that person... I've been working on it for years but it's still really tough to overcome.
Sending Strength of Love 🙏
Our Father God gives gifts lavishly to His children. May you receive His goodness & love.
I had pretty the same exerince with my mother 😢 I am sending you loads of love ❤
be strong and distance yourself from her as much as possible. This is damaging for life… save your life by cutting the cord. You deserve peace and happiness!!
What monsters. Children are the parents’ choice, the care of those kids is their chosen (legal) responsibility. These dysfunctional parents want an award for taking care of their kids? Congratulations, they stayed out of jail!
Love and hugs to all of you …hope you all find a way to leave the circle of junk this creates (inside and out) and find peace and worth and self worth and self love. ❤❤❤
I unfortunately was raised by narc parents and through years of therapy helped me be aware. I have depression,Anxiety, Eating disorders, CPTSD and anxious attachment from the abuse and I absolutely refuse to bring the generation curse with my future children. Healing was the hardest most challenging thing I ever went through but it is worth it to see the root of my problems and learning how to cope with it. ❤
I'm proud of you for walking down the road of healing! You're right. It's not easy but you are breaking the cycle of generational trauma. You aren't alone. I'm walking next to you too. ❤️ You got this!
Inspired by your refusal to bring this generational curse to your future children. Thank you for sharing.
@@TheHolisticPsychologisthow to heal ?! All my family toke me away when i got sick ..
I feel so unsafe , my nervous system are so senzitesd!
@@TheHolisticPsychologisti Been so anixety, depressed, weakness in legs and arms
Yep, all of the above. My mom is a whole cluster b nightmare. My dad is… something; not sure what. Sometimes I forget that other people have parents without all of these traits, other times I’m preoccupied on thinking about those healthy parents and how I could’ve turned out if I had been lucky enough to be raised in a normal family.
You are not alone on this! I think to myself all the timewhy did I get this shit family dynamic when others got a good healthy home?? Why wasn't I lucky enough?? It is and was possible just not for me, working on moving forward...
The fact that you have the awareness of the impact you have on others is a good thing! It takes a long time to unlearn but therapy and reading books like "adult children of emotionally immature adults" are SO healing to know you aren't alone and how to re-parent yourself to break the cycle. Sending you a hug and positive vibes.
Thank you for sharing what it was like for you🙏
Me too 😢
I agree. It's really hard to imagine a parent being anything other than this.
Yup! Both parents have these signs. It was a nightmare growing up. My home was more like a prison than a home, I couldn’t wait to leave the house. The irony of Life is that it forced me to move back home and heal with them. I’ve came out of my dark nights of the soul with them, and we are on better terms. I wish all of you the best.💛
Make sure you’re both not like this before you breed. Heck, don’t even get a pet rock if you are.
The thing is, most people who are like this have a high opinion of themselves. The won't admit there's a problem because they see themselves as perfect. That's why they never apologize.
I don't talk to my mom. If I say or do something wrong she will stop talking to me. I just don't have time for that. My siblings can tell her anything there is no consequence. Love has always been conditional. I was the scapegoat in the family dynamics. I was an extremely sensitive child. It has definitely affected me.
@lindaanne9403 I definitely relate except it's a little more my Dad. Being "loved conditionally" doesn't feel like love at all. I find the whole thing very draining.
It usually has to be the most sensitive child to be the scapegoat. They have to be intuitive enough to pick up on the subtle tactics, and care enough about the parent’s well being to be available for the manipulation. It’s diabolical to set up an innocent and emotionally intelligent child that way. I’m sorry it happened to you. Those kinds of sweet kids should be celebrated and encouraged. Not stunted.
How do you deal with this everyday and move on? How can I do it if I have to live with my mom in the same house?? Help me
@@elii_diiz Good question. I don't know. Good luck. I don't know if it's best to call them out or to be Teflon and don't care. I think it might have helped to acknowledge early that my mum is an assh0l1 a dickhead. There are lots of asses in the world and sometimes family members are one of them, its not our fault its just bad luck.
@@elii_diizdo you know the channel Crappy Childhood Fairy?
Throughout my course of therapy, I realized how emotionally underdeveloped both of my parents were because of their traumatic childhood. I’ve accepted and grieved the relationship I will never have with them. I keep them on the periphery of my life and keep my expectations of them low to protect my emotional self. It was a hard decision to make but it was the best one for my own mental health.
I feel broken watching this. I am frightened that I am going to be just like my parents and I hate myself for seeing myself in my dad. I feel trapped.
While listening to this i suddendly broke in tears. So true. I had a sense that something was wrong with my childhood and this is so.... validating. Somethimes I think about who I could have been if I had grown up in a loving, supporting family. But each of us has his/her own path, I think that we need to start acknowledging that our wounds are the roots of our wisdom and strenght, that the magnificence of us human beings is the ability to evolve, forgive and embrace love and acceptance, towards us in the first place, but also towards the people who hurt us so bad in the past.
It’s crazy that my dad was every single one on this list. The guilt & shaming were the worst though. My dad won custody over my sister and I, but he used to make me feel so guilty every time I wanted to see my mom. I was 9 years old, of course I missed my mom. I’m still working on untangling all of the difficult emotions, but your videos have been so helpful I’m so grateful for all of your work 🙏
I always get the apologies, empty apologies, juat another way to manipulate you. They "apologise" so you have to forgive their bad behaviour, abuse and treatment, then next day they do the same.
I have scored every bullet. Grew up next to single mother, it never occurred to me to wonder why was I so utterly unhappy, being the same time "the most provided for and selfish girl in the city". It's a new revelation every day, I was 17 and struggling to change University because I didn't fit completely at the one in a hometown. She convinced me it was a bad idea, so she won't live alone for another 3 years. My mother has passed away 7 years ago and it has been a RELIEF. I can't believe this is what we have for a relationship, I am her age now and I see how she lied to me every day for 20 years or so, mostly on occasion of doing smth in my favour while acting in her interest one way or another. So I have the rest of my life to figure out how acting in my own interests actually feels.
My parents married & had kids before they were ready. That was due to cultural pressures e.g., my dad is from a Catholic family. I’m 60 y.o. now. My mom wound up leaving my dad. They are both people who are willing to learn, change & grow. I have a decent relationship with each. BUT i still have “eggshell” moments with both of them. I don’t follow your channel out of self-pity, some might have that take. I’m actively seeking ways to heal. Thanks for your contribution, Dr Nicole & team, to helping people recognize & disrupt these tragic generational cycles. 🌳
That last one stung. “I should be the one crying” is the one I always got.
I haven't spoken to my parents for almost two months now. They stress me a lot. Takes me weeks to recover from seeing them. So toxic.
Haven't seen them in 6 years. Even though we speak on the phone I refuse to see them.
Appreciate you sharing about what you go through with your parents.🙏
I think you nailed this. I really appreciate the distinction of being or behaving narcissisticly as a result of inter generational trauma/ abuse/neglect versus lumping everything under NPD- important distinctions and yeah I am 44 still struggle with the after effects - can’t wait for part two
Also, narcissism is a personality style. Not all narcissistic people grew up with trauma.
Thank you! Have one myself who according to everyone who has known him his entire life has “always acted like this.” Sometimes it’s not trauma but just born missing a certain piece.
Yes! Some of them were spoilt and have never faced a consequence in their life!
I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt. This is a short informational clip. Not a psychology or neurology class. It's hard to cover all of the ins/outs in a 15-minute clip on RUclips without having to go into the research behind all of it.
You are right though. It's not always trauma. It can be genetics. The brain's an interesting thing. Sometimes we're born with genetics that are turned on (already narcissistic), sometimes we have the genetics but it has to get activated (trauma or lifestyle habits-more below) and sometimes it's a learned behavior that never gets resolved. This is something I learned in my neurology class in graduate school. There's loads of information out there on how personality disorders form. I suggest doing your own research to learn more.
In regards to lifestyle habits, I'm thinking of a more extreme example where someone is struggling with addiction. They aren't born an addict but they have DNA that predisposes them to become an addict if it gets "turned on". I.e., trauma, family norms, lifestyle habits, culture, etc.
i have gone no contact with both my parents earlier in my life and until recently i didn't communicate with them often. they are now suffering from dementia and i help out but not as much as i would had they been more present and self-aware. i am the scapegoat so i'm the only sibling who fully acknowledges the dysfunction of our family.
Thank you for sharing what it's like for you. Sending you a lot of love❤
Sorry to hear that. No fair being the scapegoat but not your fault
I didn't know how much generational trauma could be related to this. My mom is definitely this. My dad was this as well when he was in the military but relax after he retired. So that was nice.
No contact
Yup. This was my childhood! Even to this day, I downplay my emotions and my emotional needs. I even tell myself (as my mother did countless times): "You shouldn't feel that way." I'm looking forward to the next video and how to deal with the consequences of having had a narcissistic parent! Thank you for making this video!!!!
Really appreciate you sharing your resonance with this video. 🙏
This video made me stop blaming myself and realize what I had been through in my childhood. Realizing hurts but it also made me more aware and mindful, and I won’t talk to myself the way my N parent did.
Totally grew up with all of this. I stopped trying to have a relationship with my last parent. And when I told people about what she did, she said I was just upset with her and won't talk to me anymore. No apologies, no "Can we talk about this?", nothing. It's all about what she wanted.
My parent checks 5/8 of these boxes, so not sure if that qualifies as narcissistic, but she was diangosed with Bipolar disorder a year ago (I'm 32 now). Either way, the effects of her neglect, unpredictability and shame still lingers with me. We have a "good" relationship now - very superficial - only because I've learnt in therapy to set firm boundaries, but I still feel I have healing to be done.
Thank you for sharing your resonance with this video. Sending you a lot of love❤
Ugh...all except 1 (I think) fits my parents. I can't think about it for too long...I don't know how I'm not narcissistic. Someone used the term "learned narcissism" and that resonated with me , because I used to give people the silent treatment, until I read that it was abusive. I stopped after that. The same with some other toxic behaviours I learned and repeated. It just all makes me so incredibly sad.
You had narcissistic traits but were not & are not a narcissists. You recognized your behavior as toxic & made a change to be healthy.
Wow, my parents hit all your bullet points
Thank you. That list perfectly describes my mum. This is useful validation 🙏
Grateful this is validating for you.
My father is narcissistic and so are 2 out of his 4 siblings. There is very clearly generational trauma there.
I can understand and empathise but I can’t forgive him choosing not to change when the option was a) work on yourself or b) lose your children.
He made his choice. He just doesn’t see it that way.
I am the family scapegoat. All of them are cluster bs. They were not abused as boomer children. Au contraire. Here’s the kicker. I was deaf as a child. This was not acknowledged in my home. I was put into hearing school with zero help. I had an IEP until high school graduation that nothing was done with. This video makes it seem like oops they just happened to be toxic narcs! Like it’s an accident of fate. I do like the video. The narc could have had so many happy memories. But chose toxicity. No contact for over a year. ❤ wishing everyone healing!
So do we forgive / use compassion or disconnect from them? Growing up with so much shame for not being the daughter my mom wanted me to be - thinks disconnecting is also not "the right thing to do" which might cause my mom to be upset with me again...and I was a great responsible child, pleased constantly, but yet... not enough. what a cycle.
😢😢😢
Well better late than never 😅 my mom uses such things on a daily basis on everyone around😢 the more I watch the worse it looks
Needs? What needs? Lol! I'm well recovered now, and 100% re generational trauma - many, many families are like this, to varying degrees. I've made it my business to support others going through their recovery. And key to my own has definitely been going no-contact with certain family members (dad, aunts...) - to anyone struggling with that one - sometimes it's the only way to save your own mental health. You deserve it, you deserve your freedom, too. Much love & appreciation for these greats videos 💙💎🦋💎💙
Knowing I will no longer have to share important milestones with them is a huge relief. Exhausting individuals. Raising children and marriage AND dealing with them-- I'd never know peace lol.
Sadly so true.
I always felt in the way as a child, told I was too sensitive, guilted, shamed, and even now, my 94 year old mother will still give me the silent treatment for 3 days to punish me.
I'm so appreciative of your videos!
Really appreciate your presence here in the community!
Wow - this was my childhood 😢
One thing I experienced that I don’t hear about much is doublespeak. I experienced most of the things on this list but didn’t understand that until my 30s because I was explicitly told that that wasn’t what was happening. I was told “children shouldn’t have to take care of their parents”, but praised for cooperating in my parentification and approval was withheld when I didn’t. My mom despised the “stage mothers” at my auditions, but basked into the attention I got from performing and quietly made her disapproval of my other interests very clear. And she talked about how important boundaries were but never let me set any with her.
My guess is that that was #1 and #2 in conflict: her need to maintain her image as an amazing mother (including to herself) required that I pretend that all the ways I was expected to meet her needs were my own free choice, and even my idea.
Glad to see someone legitimate connecting the dots between unmet childhood needs and narcissistic traits.
Spot on . I'm 58 and learning about how my emotions talk to my body
All of the above for BOTH parents....
All except living through my accomplishments, my mother didn’t encourage me to have any kind of accomplishment, she discouraged any out of home activities and if I did do well in school I was criticised for not doing better. She never bragged about me, she complained about me though.
Thank you for all your videos they really help me understand and also to know that as a therapist you have been through it makes me trust you even more. I can check everything in your list on different levels and it helps me take some distance with things. ❤❤❤
I love all of your videos! Thank you so so much. You have no idea how much you have helped me. Your videos are also so informative and I love that. It’s super interesting and I’m so glad I found your channel recently. ❤
My ex fiancé hit 7/8 & while together, he described his childhood (his mom) just like this (8/8).
My Mum had some of these traits but not all.
Definitely got the silent treatment.😢Very strange woman.
I feel like knowing and learning that they really are like that, makes me have these heavy feelings of sadness and kinda restlessness.... I already made peace with the idea that they maybe narcissistic, but listening and feeling like it's confirmed, gives me this feeling that I still am grieving from it.
My dad is a narc. And these characteristics describe him we'll.
They *won't* push through their discomfort to grow. Many of us worked through the discomfort of identifying our trauma, learning self-awareness, often going through years of intensive (and uncomfortable) therapy to learn to re-parent ourselves. Our parents are like "nah, not doing any reading or therapy." They feel they've earned the right to judge us because we won't stop having emotions and opinions around them after all they've done for us; the least we could do is shut up and be grateful they sacrificed their whole lives for us. They still adhere to the whole "children should be seen and not heard" philosophy even when we're middle-aged.
As usual, hit the nail on the head!!
That list it's the friendly way of recognize a narc parents, let's talk about the dark evil core of a narc parent:
+ They are envious of you.
+ They will sabotage you in all ways.
+ They hate you.
+ They get angry when you are happy.
+ They destroy your stuff in porpoise, and make it look like a accident.
+ They put siblings to fight one against the other
+ They play victim to others and complain about you so you always be the bad .
+ They may even try to poison your food.
+ They are such hypocrites.
+ They instigate you to feel envy of other.
+ They always criticize you for everything.
+ Never it's effort enough to please them.
+ They will use you as a tool to achieve any means.
+ They teach you to self sabotage.
+ They get angry if you confront them.
+ They always compare you to someone else in order to diminish your self steam.
+ They make sure to be absent when you need them the most.
+ They always use gaslighting.
+They are mythomaniacs.
.....I can keep going on but rather would love to see what else you add to the list...
This is accurate.
You nailed it - that's my dad!
My narcissistic mum wasn't happy until I told her I was suicidal because of her abuse.
She would have been very very happy if I ended my life, esp because of her.
I didn't want to give her the satisfaction.
What an evil mother.
Thank you!
Thank YOU for being here.
My mother ticks all of these. She said to me herself that as a child she viewed me as an extension of herself. She's an expert at guilt tripping and making you feel like you're the bad person in every situation. I realised I could never get through to her when one day as a young adult I tried telling her I felt hurt by her words and actions and she just told me "you don't have a monopoly on suffering". I felt so stunned by these words that I simply left and went no contact for years. We talk now but I keep a safe distance. It hurts to know I'll never get to be as close as I would like with her and that she probably will never change.
I already knew my ma was an abusive narcissistic. But your videos make me feel seen. We got fired by 3 family therapists. Now, because of my eldest daughter syndrome, I am forced to take care of her as her POA as she has had 3 strokes. I am trying to be her caretaker while dealing with all of this anger. She is essentially a 5yr old in her mind. But I am still stuck in this rage and sadness while having to be kind to her.
My story exactly. And 2 horrible, narc siblings as well. It all ruined my life. 😢
Its helpful for me at 55 to keep in mind that my parents didn’t have the ability to care for me well because they also didnt have their needs met, since I am trying to stay away from depressed feelings like it was personal. It is such a between a rock and a hard place situation if I dont go way beyond my parents, my family, all the people in my original community that they told their stories to so they looked good. I have to go to what can i contribute to the world? Why am i here in a larger sense, because all those bonds i wish i could have had have been ruptured. Maybe they can heal in time for me to appreciate that, but i have to try to move into my own worth and be who i am despite all the background noise and the little girl voice who needs a hug. She gets the hugs from me now, my pets and remembering my big picture purpose- not staying focused on the mind controlling and attempts to belittle and manage me. And im not afraid to be human now- swear and say f!!!! Off! When i need to separate myself if need be. Not trying to hurt anyone-just refuse to do the bidding of the narcissistic people.
Yup! Like two narc parents weren't enough, the whole family were the same. One perfect shiny coat outside and a bunch of daily "crappola" going on just about every day in the inside. I was labeled as too sensitive and forced to smile even in the face of abuse and neglect. Older sister was bully to the point of making me bleed whenever she pleased and guess who always got blamed anyways for everything. And OMG! The drama, the guilt and the shame if things were not as they would have liked...On a positive note, though, I fully understood that part that you mentioned in your video about the fact that they themselves were not able to process their own traumas, whatever their traumas were. Indeed, they were also born in dysfunctional families themselves, and came out of war without ever have the chance to process their own wounds either. I actually feel deep compassion for them due to the fact that they never had the "luxury" to even live their own childhood or youth before beginning to build their own family. This is where I feel most compassionate about it, and yet, that's where I find the strengths to forgive them. They actually did their best with what they had at hand at that time which wasn't much at all.
Thank you for this teaching
35 years old and have been in and out of no contact since mid twenties. It’s been a tough road - bc mom dismisses and deflects anything I try to talk through. She’d rather brush it all under the rug or blame me for the problems. I still feel a lot of guilt and grief in my distance - especially around the holidays
My mom and dad were like this. My dad passed away and my mom has Alzheimer’s. I tried taking care of her at home (I moved her in and quit my job). After a year I was ready to give up and meet my creator; I was a wreck emotionally and physically. I moved my mom into memory care and the guilt over that decision eats at me. I can’t unthink the thought of anything going wrong in my life is punishment for moving my mom to memory care. BTW, I was almost completely estranged from her prior to her diagnosis.
Wow my parent gets 8/8 . a full mark 😂😂😂
Yikes! Steer clear of them, I suggest. You are a survivor. ❤
Always told I was stuck up and no man would want me because I acted older than the boys. Just tip of the iceberg.
Tell us HOW TO LIVE HEALTHY LIFE after this????? Thank you ❤❤❤
You can do it! You have the internal recognition and desire for a healthy life. That's the key.
😮So Exact Points Dear Dr Nicole. Thank you So much from BharatIndia.❤❤👍💐
Thank YOU for being here!
Yes yes, yes and yes! Thank you!
Very good descriptions. Bit like bingo ticking off each one! Trying to understand and accept my mother (and exwife) behaved in these manipulative and cruel ways as a means of hiding from their own shame, guilt and childhood traumas. Need to break the cycle for myself and my own children. Up until a short while ago i actually believed my childhood was great and normal 😂hard to reconcile with an absent, now deceased father too. Slowly I’m becoming more aware and trusting in the healing and light. Meditation has helped a great deal. I’ve cried more in the past couple of years than I did in the previous 40, since I was a child!
Both my parents seem to fit in the description... I heard so many times "you are a bad daughter, I didn't raise you like this" but I think on that and I did everything right, they just didn't agree with it and "I'll pay with my own kids".... also I still remember to this day one time I was like 13 and was struggling with controling my emotions especially right before and during my period, like I could wake up grumpy and didn't understand why... my dad told me "Oh you CHOOSE to be grumpy, it's not like you don’t know where that came from"..... years later I learned about hormonal changes and ways to balance them, and that I have a medical condition that worsens those mood swings....... I felt so ashamed to feel grumpy out of nowhere for so long that I kept it in and now I also battle with rage flares that I am learning to control so I don't burst out with my kids 😢
My dad was all of these things. While he passed away, my mom continues the trauma. I’m in my mid 40s.
I loved this. Also rell us ways to heal from the disorder in the end.
Tell
Does anyone else have anxiety or struggle with OCD because of living with parents who comported like this?
My father never seemed to have shame. He actually seemed to be very entitled and think very highly of himself.
Experienced this from my mum and my sister. It is difficult to have a relationship with them and connect because I know how they will respond which will trigger my wounds. Trying to heal and grow from this currently so I can have healthy intimate relationship
Both of my parents hit all of the bullet points. In her su***de note, my mother even blamed me, after 40 years of narcissistic abuse THAT is what she left me. 💔
5:00 incapable of vulnerability
My mom checks off all those points and my dad some. I didn’t know until my later teens that my mom was narcissistic. I really don’t know what I thought to be honest. I always did exactly what my mom told me and she would introduce me as the golden child and I used to take pride in that until I understood her better. My childhood friends also had parents that were in some way toxic so I never knew the difference. I thought the way my parents treated me was normal. My mom stone walled me when I was 11 because “I didn’t skate well” when I was practicing with my coach. I was running late and had 5 minutes before I had to get on the ice and I didn’t eat anything so she got me a bagel. I didn’t eat the bagel because I didn’t want that in my system right as I got on the ice and I skated poorly. I just remember trying to talk to her and she would just look at me and I would just ball crying locked in my room. Something fairly recent was I wanted to get eloped to my now husband. She told me that wasn’t what I wanted and I should have a wedding with family. She exploded on me and my then fiancé because we were going to go through with the elopement. I got eloped in December and she found out by my health insurance being canceled. When I went over for Christmas my family just stared at me and were talking behind our backs. I handed my mom her gift and she practically ignored me and that was probably the worst I have ever felt. We are on better terms now but it felt like such a weight on my back for months.
Thank you so much 🖤
Thank you ❤ really helpful!
Very familiar for me. I dealt with it growing up and I coped fine but when my wife then kids were targeted to get a narcissist’s way I had enough. No help, no support but my kids are exposed to this type of behaviour so small price to pay.
I’m hoping there’s a third video covering ways to deal with the effects it has in our adulthood because that’s where I’m at currently. I’ve forgotten how to communicate with others and I’ve been feeling like I have to walk on eggshells with anyone I interact with. It’s so exhausting and draining and I want to feel like I can be myself or to even dig deeper to get to know myself because it’s felt unsafe to do so for so long
ALL of that ☝️is 100% accurate🧐Those people never take responsibility for their own lives expecting others to save them. 🙏Thank You so much for sharing! It’s a very informative video.🌸🌼🌺
Grateful this one was informative for you!
@@TheHolisticPsychologist 💚absolutely! Please continue educating us because it helps us to understand ourselves, heal our past and become better and happier human beings!💯Thank a lot!☘️
Both of my parents are narcissistic people that’s why I’m a fatherless and motherless child my mom 👩🏾 is worst then my dad he’s tried to make amends over the years but he still has no real interest in me or my everyday life. My mom 👩🏾 I’ve had to go no contact she’ll reach out every now and then but I have no real relationship with her
Yes, I grew up with my narsissist dad. As a child I learned to justify every thing he did even if he was clearly wrong, even if he was violent emotionaly or fisicly. He used to say: "you have no right to judge me" and "you take for grandted everything I do, I might die tomorrow".
It was so awful, I just couldnt see it. I cut comunication with him the day he was violent towards me, he couldnt stand I put a boundarie on him, and I thought he wasn't cappable of being fisicly violent with me, but he was.
We havent talked in two years and a half, and I don't think he cares if I live or die.
Now I don't feel safe trusting older men, or people in general.
You can understand that the parents themselves have their own issues in childhood, which explains why they were like this, but my question is: could you forgive them? You can simply understand that they have their own mental issues and it wasn't fair how they treated us, but knowing that they may never be held accountable for their actions and most likely they will continue to put the blame on us and it still hurts... can you still forgive them?
Thats my big question right now, and Im.more in the NO response because someone who still is hurting us its natural just to walk away, It isnt functional to forgive or apologise without a change behaviour, its going to repeat and now im stucked in that horrible cycle. At least i've learned in phsicology that we as humans arent obligated to forgive, because in the world exists a hole narrative about foregiveness that only you are "big" and "superior" or a "better" human if you do it, and if ypu dont you're the terrible one. And thats false, to put to the victim that guilt and obligation to forgive even he or she was abused its bad and toxic. We are not obligated to forgive that persons. Unfortunatly they obligate us to take the hard decisions like no contact them no more, they obligate us to get through difficult feelings like the guilt that come with those desicions, but thats the answer, if the relationships ends its because their fall. Not ours.
@@elii_diiz Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to stick around. Definitely doesn't mean an apology on your part.
Had a vulnerable narcissistic father who died this spring. The more I look, the more I realise how _mean_ he really was. My mother, who was very enabling and is still emotionally immature, still thinks he was a good person for some odd reason.
My mother never showed any love she would leave me alone for a week and come back and not talk to me I was 8 yrs old. Today Im sure she wonders why I cant connect w her like my younger siblings.
You mean that's not a normal upbringing?
Why people need to heal and be mindful of becoming parents or not have children at all. Unfortunately, this rarely happens.😢
Nailed it.
Everything Nichole describes here is my mom and it hurts because when I went and did something that I felt was a monumental accomplishment she tried to say the person I was with that night in 2011 that I was acting in sexual ways with was a predator. Mom was only saying this because it was around 8pm on a Sunday night and I. Was purposely ignoring my phone til 9pm and mom had snooped on my computer and saw that I was having webcam timer with a much older man and thus she had the police with her when I answered. Mind you this was at the age of 21, I was not a minor. After I came home from that night by my dad I was trying to talk about it as the fun thing I did over the summer and people around me told me not to talk about it to anyone. I am still angry about it 13 years later. I’m not angry about what happened to me because to me it was not a sexual assault and my mom tries to insist it was. I’m angry at the fact my feels of thrill were shut down. Now when my mom is over the moon about something I feel bitter and jealous that she can freed that way about something but when I did in 2011 I was told not to feel that way by being told not to talk about it.
This kind of person that strongly belive " if you get grabbed by the hand, say its not your hand". ZERO OWN responsibility 0.00
What can I do if I have to live together with my narcissistic mom, I dont have an inmediatly option of getting out of my home, I dont have a job, Im looking for one but even that decision of turn all my life and focus it into start to getting out feels so terrible and sad. I have to work and make my own money while I think every day in my situation with her. Im 27 and finally I can understand what is happening with me. I was in a free psychological therapy but I feel this isnt helping me, it isnt a good service at all ):
Idk how to feel better at home or what can I do while I decide to break all the relationship with my mom or not. ): my therapist is only focusing in how probably my mom is feeling and why, not about to teach me how to validate and navegate my own emotions that are high levels of anger and depression.
Hii, I had a narcissistic mother, I've done therapy many times, most important thing you should feel good with the therapist. I would say change therapist and leave as soon as you can. All the best ❤❤❤
@@delfina6112 thanks for your comment sweetheart its good to know the opinion of people who lived the same
you are not alone, my situation is similar then your's . I have a job but not enough money to move out because I need to help out financially my mom because she does not earn enough... dont know how to deal with her bc I really want to move out & live my life the way I deserve it
I believe both my parents were/are narcissistic but it's different with each of them. I've chosen narcissistic men as well. Done with that! Just bought your book How To Be The Love You Seek.
Thank you for sharing your resonance with this one! Hope you find How To Be The Love You Seek helpful! ❤
Yes to all of these ☑️
My mom recently (finally!) admitted to me that she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but she also share many of the traits you discussed. What are the chances she is both?
Adding: My mom grew up a heavily parentified first daughter and sibling to 6 other kids. Her family was very poor and very abusive. Mental illness and addiction factored heavily into daily life. I'm not at all surprised that my mom is the way she is.
Cluster B disorders run on a spectrum…so yes.
Anyone else find themselves dissociating while listening to this? I have to keep rewinding it 🥴😵💫
This makes sense for me.
I sound like a future narcissistic parent but I also feel like my mom does this too and we both feel the same way. I do feel like I make mistakes and need to say sorry, but my mom doesn’t believe that she can hurt my feelings and if I bring it up she tells me it didn’t happen or that there’s no way it could’ve affected me because it doesn’t make sense logically.
Ah yes, this is my dad. Very little praise, silent treatment for weeks, unpredictable moods, never would apologize, and emotions were rarely validated and regarded as unnecessary. And I was his least favorite so I was his main target. Good times.
A lot of these attributes with hyper-religious upbringing as well.